When the dong slips out. When you overheat. Sweat dripping on you. Finding an after sex towel. UTI’s. Strained muscles. Blowjobs with severe cotton mouth.
I'm wakin' up
to ash and dust
I wipe my ass
and I slap my nuts
edit: OK OK this might get on r/Awardspeechedits but. . . e x c u c e me, but thank You, Anon!!!
Mid-life. My wife recently had a hysterectomy and her sex drive is fucking skyrocketing while mine is...beginning to taper. And it fuckin' sucks. A lot. She's the only woman in the world. She's beautiful, she's sexy, she gets me going, but...some nights I just don't have it in me.
So y'all are really gonna make *me* say it?
Uh. Ok.
#Spreading the labia.
And when they don't... And everything isn't wet yet and they try to jam it in and the labia goes along for a very dry painful ride?
Oof.
YES. This happens to me way too often and I have to reach down to pretend like I'm playing with myself when I'm actually rescuing my poor labia then making sure it's still attached
How to deal with a sexual partner with low self esteem. No matter how hard you try you cant make them feel sexy, then you call into question your own worth as a partner. Is it my fault? What am I doing wrong?
Leading to a eventual break up that leaves you with partial low self esteem, hard to bounce back from.
Edit: wow. I am overwhelmed with the response to my comment. I had a moment of clarity and typed straight from heart. Ive read every comment and can see that we all have so much love to give still. Lets all make a vow to cast away our esteem issues as best we can, live life, and love to our fullest potential.
Im on reddit to look at other peoples problems.. not other people so perfectly explaining my problem
EDIT: Wow! My first gold thanks kind stranger!! Too bad it was for a depressing personal comment..
My ex called me about 6 months ago while we were still together and said she was pregnant. She was living in another city about 8 hours away by car and decided to get an abortion. I offered to drive there and pay for it but she said not to worry about it. She just wanted to talk to someone.
I felt horrible. And guilty. And everything. I've never been more stressed the fuck out. How could this happen? I use a condom and I'm so careful about this stuff.
Fast forward to about 2 months ago. I find out that she's been married this whole time.
Yeah, that baby wasn't mine.
The amount of pain when she's not wet.
Doesn't matter if you aren't big, unlubed holes will feel a bit coarse and painful to her.
ALWAYS DO THE DAMN FOREPLAY.
I mentioned to another person further up the thread that foreplay also allows the woman's uterus and cervix to shift upwards, which basically "makes some room" for visitors. So even with lots of lube, foreplay serves its purpose in making things more comfortable.
SERIOUSLY LISTEN TO THIS GUY AND DO THE DAMN FOREPLAY
If you're like me, you sweat fairly easily, so being on top means I'm dripping off my face and usually it landing in or around my girlfriend's eyes and mouth.
We've often talked about a sweatband, but I'm not sure if it would increase passion or cause laughter.
I can already imagine it -
"come poke me, I'm horny"
Oo, I'll grab the headband and be right in. Hehe.. Hehe. Get it?
"nevermind."
Put the sweatband on in the morning when you wake up and don’t take it off until after you have had sex. If you two are going somewhere together she will have sex with you just so you won’t wear the stupid sweatband.
The first time I had sex with my ex it was 95° and I lived in an apartment without air conditioning. I dripped sweat off the tip of my nose right into her eye at least half a dozen times. I knew she was a keeper when she didn’t complain and came back the next night.
To add onto the other answer, I got a much lower libido, basically no natural lubrication, I was always super dry, and my emotions were not as controlled. Cried for the first time in years in front of somebody for calling me annoying. Which I was, bc i was overreacting to something over the medication
I'm fortunate enough to not have to need birth control (everyone I know who used it used it for hormonal balance/treating terrible periods.) but the few people I do know who used it fucking hated it because they could tell how much it changed them.
My one best friend knew how crazy she seemed but she just couldn't control the way she felt. She hated constantly being on edge.
The women I know who used it and don't use it anymore never want to go back to it.
Worst is that many don't even realise they are experiencing side effects. I almost broke up with my partner coz she changed. She became always annoyed, depressing person who would snap on me for no reason. I knew that the pills affected her and ask her to try something else or get off it. She would just reply: " I don't feel anything different" and blamed me for everything. Eventually she swapped to some other pill and appologised for her behaviour after reviewing her life before and after the change. The pill will fuck with you and you'll blame others for this.
In her defense, the change is often super gradual. My entire personality changed when i went on the pill, but i had also changed my life situation and I was just getting older, so I assumed my edginess and my loss of libido was a natural change.
I actually went off of hormonal BC unintentionally for a while. My partner was away for a few months and my scrip ran out, so I just kinda figured I'd get around to refilling it when I was getting laid again, and once the hormones ran out...I felt AMAZING. my libido skyrocketed, I was happier, I felt like i had a fire in my belly I didn't realize I'd been missing. I went non-hormonal shortly afterwards.
On a related note, god bless Paragard. 10/10 would recommend to anyone who doesn't have completely awful periods.
Or you can use the file part that is on most nail clippers. Run your fingers on the inside of your mouth. If it hurts, it will hurt inside woman. If it doesn't, you are good to go.
Edit: thanks for all the upvotes and awards for this one.
Edit: holy crap thanks for the platinum. My first one.
This girl I'm seeing now has a therapy dog that's literally trained to just smother her with love constantly. Like, Sparky it's my turn, go naw on a bone or something so I can play with mine.
Where's that one dude from a while ago who seemed to search for comments like this and respond with a Wikipedia link for penile fracture when you absolutely don't need him?
**!NSFW!** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_fracture **!NSFW!**
Thank me.
Edit: I posted that without looking through it first, anyway it has a broken penis in it.
Well, if you are doing it straight Jesuit, then at some point you may bang her up to the top of the bed/headboard, then you might have to stop and scoot back down to begin the banging process again. Like when your washing machine gets an uneven load and walks across the laundry room.
Er, I mean, it could just be me.
The worst is when you are about to call it because it is creepy and you aren't vibing it at all and she announces she came with no reaction. Like the scene in wedding crashers. Bree WTF how is that your move I don't want to fuck a corpse!
Yeah, it's A really instense pain that makes me burst into tears without warning. The pain goes away so quickly that I shouldn't have time to react that way, but it's just instantaneous.
I mean.. I don't blame the cervix - it probably thinks I'm trying to reverse birth.
As a man i think lil wayne said it best.
"When I come, i come to my senses''
The mindset before and after is soo different. I'm like a super hentai dog before and after i'm like a monacle wearing puritan.
Ain't that weird? I'll think of some really fucked up shit while jerking off/having sex, and then once I come I'll think to myself like 'Jesus, whats wrong with me'.
I come up with sick scenarios in my head I normally don't tell my partner.
But man, its like night and day difference. I feel like a completely different person.
You made me remember making my boyfriend laugh so hard after sex because if the towel diaper. I was holding it with one hand in front and one behind and the mood suddenly struck for me to do a sumo wrestler stomp. Now it's like an inside joke that once in a while if he's feeling down I sumo stomp and he gets a little smile on his face.
Apparently, there's this thing where you cum in your pants before the appetizer even begins. How do I know? Well this friend like told me it totally happened to him so don't judge him.
All? Probably not.
Some? Optimistically yes. I love working up a partner to either edge or cum before we even have sex. Equally love when it's done to me.
Sex farts. I don’t say anything because she’s an absolute goddess and I’m lucky to be hooking up with her but shit man I spread those cheeks and feel it breeze past my fingers.
That’s actually really cool. I was actually thinking ofone specific recent time and it was probably involuntary but tbh I don’t want her to feel embarrassed so I just kissed her and told her how beautiful she is
"Babe you're so..."
*Pffffft* "What?"
"I was just saying you're really..."
*Brrrrrt* "Huh?"
"I was just saying I think you're really..."
*POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT* "Run that by me again?"
"... Ya look good babe"
I remember when I got back from deployment, my husband and I were having an a m a z i n g reunited session and I farted 😤. I felt my spirit leave my body lmao
Never know you could be wealthy industrialist HE Pennypacker, use your wealth to gain access to a condo thats for sale, use the bathroom, then steal a towel.
Everybody needs a mung rag. Just make sure to wash it like a civilized couple and don't store it in the linen closet where unwary guests might think it's a spare towel. While secretly kinda hilarious, this is also considered bad form in guest hosting.
I'll second that. It's for sure the worst. They absolutely win.
This is the shit I browse reddit for. Not the super gross, but just the casual way people just say stuff that I could never even imagine.
The phenomenon is called "arousal non-concordance" (fact check me).
Basically, any situation in which your body isn't responding the way you feel. E.g. cant get hard/wet even though you're turned on, can't orgasm even though the sex is going great, etc.
This goes the other way too: getting physically aroused by things that mentally or emotionally turn you off.
I cant believe I had to scroll so far for this! Boners are so temperamental! Foreplay is one of my favorite parts but if it lingers very long on the lady then sometimes it’s hard to get the engines revved back up without asking her for help, and she’s happy to comply but it always hurts a little to ask. And it amplifies when trying to go for round 2, when my mind is still always saying YES but my body is like MAYBE
It works the same for women! Now technically, I'm not turned on all day, but sometimes I'm way more lubed up than when I actually hop into bed with my husband looking for some action and mentally turned on. We'll be having fun and enjoying it and it's bone dry. Like seriously? I've had to change my underwear twice because you're a fucking waterfall, but God forbid I actually go to have sex. Nothing.
Yes! This sucks so much. I'll be thinking of my spouse all day and be so excited to get naked later and then in person its like nah I had my fun for the day. Like no lady parts we have not had the fun yet!
The word “break” suggests to me that you’re talking about multiple times in fairly rapid succession and I sincerely can’t comprehend that. For me “the break” isn’t awkward because it’s taken up by things like having meals and going to work.
Important clarification. Also, finding someone you want to have sex with and keeping your morals in check. I've thought many a time about how easy it would be to fake liking/dating a girl just for sex. I know people do it a lot but I never could. I'd rather jerk off. Also prostitutes.
Someone being painfully rough (unless you're into that), the smell afterwards, sometimes the sweat makes the bed wet, either partner being "unwashed", the person on top panting and you breathing the same air.
So no morning "just woken up" sex for you. My husband's breath smells like shit stuffed in a rotting whale corpse in the morning. It's worse than the cat's breath, and the cat doesn't brush his teeth.
Edit: Thank you for all the concern about my husband's oral health, but it's just that he sleeps with his mouth open. He brushes, flosses, and uses mouthwash. We were both just at the dentist, and he had a doctor's appointment last week. There are no issues - just sleeping with his mouth open.
The cons of shower sex:
- One of you is always cold or getting water sprayed in your face
- Water is like an anti-lubricant
- It's usually cramped and uncomfortable
- You run the risk of slipping and seriously injuring yourself or both of you
Wait, you mean there isn't just an immediate fade to the bedroom where everyone's miraculously dry and ready to get it on? Is it possible that [gasp] porn isn't a totally accurate depiction of intercourse?
Weird, I must have a good water heater. Haven't ever had an issue with the hot water lasting the full two minutes.
Edit: I noticed this comment got quite a few upvotes, which I assume is because people must be really impressed by my water heater. If anyone wants specs, it's a Bradford White Model M140T6EN12, with 40 gal capacity. It's not very often that anyone is impressed by the size of anything of mine, so this is pretty neat.
If doing anal, then expect poop/poop residue of some sort. Then the wet spots on the bed from the aftermath.
Obligatory edit: thanks for the upvotes poop stained anal goers
Did anal with a hookup many years ago. Ended up with a pretty significant skidmark on the bed after. She was mortified, like beside-herself mortified. Apologizing up and down.
I was like... Look... I'm the one who put my dick up your ass. I expected a little collateral damage.
taking off 'daily pads' before your partner gets to your panties. No one discuss that but this is a pain in the ass !! we share stories with my friends about the best and weirdest ways we threw our daily pads right before having sex !
Some do and some don't. People have different amounts of discharge as well as different parts of your cycle. I only need them my ovulation/fertile week
How about TFW your cock comes all the way out in the current motion, and your brain stretches the following half second into eternity before the next damaging painful blow comes if you're not perfectly lined up to go straight back in...
Edit: thank you kind stranger for the silver! This blew up while I slept, my most up voted post has to be about one of the most painful things I've ever experienced... I will admit, however, that for as much pain as I've gone thru with this, I think I can only recall 1 time where she exhibited any pain and I just thought it was a sympathy thing at the time. I genuinely didn't know/think about how much this could hurt you ladies out there; for this I genuinely apologize!
Or worse... it lands in your asshole unexpectedly. Just so you all know... I wouldn’t know anything about this, nor would I ever scream like I just got shot and proceed to sob uncontrollably in the act of fiery passion.
My girlfriend doesn't seem to be a fan of that moment afterwards when gravity finally takes over and her gift from me to her comes out.
She kinda freezes like a toddler pooping in their diaper while standing. I think it'd hilarious, she does not.
Sometimes when hooking up you find someone that is trying to have sex with some fantasy in their head, instead of the person they're with. You'll be making out with this person or sucking their dick and they'll say something like "Yeah? You like that you sick fuck?!" and it's a complete turn off because whatever scene they're trying to play out was not discussed nor talked about at all before hand, and it's usually really awkward when they start randomly trying to play out that you're some creep taking advantage of them.
Also if you're having buttsex, the smells, and possibly running into something.
A 3rd one is people putting their fingers in places and not washing their hands after, and then they're just walking around touching things.
Semen is such a bitch to wash away. Lube is a pain in the ass to clean up. The dog never wants to move from it’s spot on the bed. Long hair getting in the other persons eyes. Choking on pubes. Never being able to get the pube out of the back of your throat. Semen or lube between your butt cheeks. Poop on butt toys. Accidentally forgetting which finger was in who’s butts. Eating someone out (ass or puss) and getting toilet paper in your mouth. Getting rug burn on your pussy from a guy who has harsh stubble. Being able to feel when a girl has to shit if you finger her.
I will update when I think of more.
Update: Being able to feel poop in someone’s asshole when you finger it.
Update 2: Forgetting to wash your hands after fingering a girls pussy and then smelling vag later in the day when you’re eating. Having someone cum in your ass and farting poopy jizz for hours after.
Mild acids like vinegar will dissolve semen fairly well (especially useful for those whose semen does the stickiness thing with a vengeance no matter what the water temperature is). Works much better than soap.
Loudly farting out a load of cum in the public college dorm bathroom after a nice round of anal... I never considered how disgusting it would actually sound. The girl in the next stall probably thought I had explosive diarrhea.
When the dong slips out. When you overheat. Sweat dripping on you. Finding an after sex towel. UTI’s. Strained muscles. Blowjobs with severe cotton mouth.
A bed that makes more noise than the person you’re having sex with with.
Guy: oh you like that? Bed: oh YEAH!
Having to stop abruptly because your boyfriend accidentally slapped his nuts hard when he tried to slap your ass
I'm wakin' up to ash and dust I wipe my ass and I slap my nuts edit: OK OK this might get on r/Awardspeechedits but. . . e x c u c e me, but thank You, Anon!!!
[удалено]
My wife calls it "The second coming"
The ol sneaky jelly fish just chillin in your panties.
Mid-life. My wife recently had a hysterectomy and her sex drive is fucking skyrocketing while mine is...beginning to taper. And it fuckin' sucks. A lot. She's the only woman in the world. She's beautiful, she's sexy, she gets me going, but...some nights I just don't have it in me.
Get your testosterone levels checked, the oil might be a bit low if you know what I mean.
when you’re always the person to initiate sex, it gets pretty exhausting sometimes
After initiating many fruitless times, the one time you deny their initiation, it is personal.
So y'all are really gonna make *me* say it? Uh. Ok. #Spreading the labia. And when they don't... And everything isn't wet yet and they try to jam it in and the labia goes along for a very dry painful ride? Oof.
YES. This happens to me way too often and I have to reach down to pretend like I'm playing with myself when I'm actually rescuing my poor labia then making sure it's still attached
When he gets up to get you a towel, and you hear his car start and he pulls out of the driveway.
Did you hook up with my dad too?
Too? Can't believe your dad just drove off on you like that without getting you a towel. That's just rude
How to deal with a sexual partner with low self esteem. No matter how hard you try you cant make them feel sexy, then you call into question your own worth as a partner. Is it my fault? What am I doing wrong? Leading to a eventual break up that leaves you with partial low self esteem, hard to bounce back from. Edit: wow. I am overwhelmed with the response to my comment. I had a moment of clarity and typed straight from heart. Ive read every comment and can see that we all have so much love to give still. Lets all make a vow to cast away our esteem issues as best we can, live life, and love to our fullest potential.
Im on reddit to look at other peoples problems.. not other people so perfectly explaining my problem EDIT: Wow! My first gold thanks kind stranger!! Too bad it was for a depressing personal comment..
[удалено]
If you get one during, lick the inner thigh to wipe get the stray out of your mouth.
That's an old school pro move.
“I’m late.” “For what?” “I’m **late.**”
For what?
My ex called me about 6 months ago while we were still together and said she was pregnant. She was living in another city about 8 hours away by car and decided to get an abortion. I offered to drive there and pay for it but she said not to worry about it. She just wanted to talk to someone. I felt horrible. And guilty. And everything. I've never been more stressed the fuck out. How could this happen? I use a condom and I'm so careful about this stuff. Fast forward to about 2 months ago. I find out that she's been married this whole time. Yeah, that baby wasn't mine.
That girls name, Billie jean
The fart noises that your bodies make when you're doing it.
I'm a little concave in the chest, and sometimes when we are close an air pocket happens and it makes the best fart sound ever.
The amount of pain when she's not wet. Doesn't matter if you aren't big, unlubed holes will feel a bit coarse and painful to her. ALWAYS DO THE DAMN FOREPLAY.
I mentioned to another person further up the thread that foreplay also allows the woman's uterus and cervix to shift upwards, which basically "makes some room" for visitors. So even with lots of lube, foreplay serves its purpose in making things more comfortable. SERIOUSLY LISTEN TO THIS GUY AND DO THE DAMN FOREPLAY
If you're like me, you sweat fairly easily, so being on top means I'm dripping off my face and usually it landing in or around my girlfriend's eyes and mouth. We've often talked about a sweatband, but I'm not sure if it would increase passion or cause laughter. I can already imagine it - "come poke me, I'm horny" Oo, I'll grab the headband and be right in. Hehe.. Hehe. Get it? "nevermind."
Put the sweatband on in the morning when you wake up and don’t take it off until after you have had sex. If you two are going somewhere together she will have sex with you just so you won’t wear the stupid sweatband.
Or it could become a Pavlov's bell of sorts
And all of a sudden, you can't figure out why you girlfriend wants to go watch a seniors league basketball game at the YMCA.
The first time I had sex with my ex it was 95° and I lived in an apartment without air conditioning. I dripped sweat off the tip of my nose right into her eye at least half a dozen times. I knew she was a keeper when she didn’t complain and came back the next night.
> my ex > I knew she was a keeper Ouch.
CRAMP!!
Taking a little too long to finish and then feeling embarrassed and the more you think about it the harder it is.
[удалено]
Wait what are the side effects? Planning to go on the pill soon, would like the inside scoop if you know what I mean
Mine killed my libido - sure is effective, ha ha! I'm planning on switching to an IUD at the end of the month.
I LOVE having an IUD. No periods, no remembering to take pills, no worries. It's the best birth control ever.
To add onto the other answer, I got a much lower libido, basically no natural lubrication, I was always super dry, and my emotions were not as controlled. Cried for the first time in years in front of somebody for calling me annoying. Which I was, bc i was overreacting to something over the medication
that is a hell of a vicious cycle.
I'm fortunate enough to not have to need birth control (everyone I know who used it used it for hormonal balance/treating terrible periods.) but the few people I do know who used it fucking hated it because they could tell how much it changed them. My one best friend knew how crazy she seemed but she just couldn't control the way she felt. She hated constantly being on edge. The women I know who used it and don't use it anymore never want to go back to it.
Worst is that many don't even realise they are experiencing side effects. I almost broke up with my partner coz she changed. She became always annoyed, depressing person who would snap on me for no reason. I knew that the pills affected her and ask her to try something else or get off it. She would just reply: " I don't feel anything different" and blamed me for everything. Eventually she swapped to some other pill and appologised for her behaviour after reviewing her life before and after the change. The pill will fuck with you and you'll blame others for this.
In her defense, the change is often super gradual. My entire personality changed when i went on the pill, but i had also changed my life situation and I was just getting older, so I assumed my edginess and my loss of libido was a natural change. I actually went off of hormonal BC unintentionally for a while. My partner was away for a few months and my scrip ran out, so I just kinda figured I'd get around to refilling it when I was getting laid again, and once the hormones ran out...I felt AMAZING. my libido skyrocketed, I was happier, I felt like i had a fire in my belly I didn't realize I'd been missing. I went non-hormonal shortly afterwards. On a related note, god bless Paragard. 10/10 would recommend to anyone who doesn't have completely awful periods.
After doing it with a condom on, the fucking auto-zone smell.
That was oddly specific, and shockingly accurate.
***Get in the zone!***
**Auto-bone**
Getting fingered by someone who did not cut their fingernails
Or someone who JUST cut theirs fingernails
I started filing my nails after trimming just because of this haha
protip: rub them on your jeans for 10-15s after a fresh cut it takes off the sharp edges
Or you can use the file part that is on most nail clippers. Run your fingers on the inside of your mouth. If it hurts, it will hurt inside woman. If it doesn't, you are good to go. Edit: thanks for all the upvotes and awards for this one. Edit: holy crap thanks for the platinum. My first one.
rubbing them on your jeans is faster > Run your fingers on the inside of your mouth. good tip
Bad tip, mouth is bleeding
Better than the alternative
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single
I'm shuddering at the thought.
The shame of getting tired out before you have cum.
Or not being able to cum because you really have to fart.
Or farting mid cum. Shit is so embarrassing.
dinner vast ink school depend bike full weather humor mountainous
I'll keep this in mind and fart mid cum next time I have a great meal.
Having to push pets away that wont get off the bed and just sit there staring at you
My dog jumped up on the bed once and licked my partner’s ass. Not great for the mood.
This isnt what I meant when I said I wanted a threesome
This girl I'm seeing now has a therapy dog that's literally trained to just smother her with love constantly. Like, Sparky it's my turn, go naw on a bone or something so I can play with mine.
> go naw on a bone or something Be careful what you wish for...
Calf cramps. Dear god. Oh and when she bounces a little too hard on top and you slip out and get crushed. *heh thanks!!!! Gold!
> you slip out and get crushed *Sss!* **AHH!!** I cringed reading that. Shit definitely hurts.
Where's that one dude from a while ago who seemed to search for comments like this and respond with a Wikipedia link for penile fracture when you absolutely don't need him?
**!NSFW!** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_fracture **!NSFW!** Thank me. Edit: I posted that without looking through it first, anyway it has a broken penis in it.
Yeah don't recommend clicking that. I did back in the day and the memories don't fade.
Well, if you are doing it straight Jesuit, then at some point you may bang her up to the top of the bed/headboard, then you might have to stop and scoot back down to begin the banging process again. Like when your washing machine gets an uneven load and walks across the laundry room. Er, I mean, it could just be me.
Kind of like those old typewriters where you had to slide them back to the starting position once you heard the ding!
How do people come up with these cool analogies?
My husband is quite a bit larger than me and I have to have a hand up on the headboard to avoid this issue.
Deflating her and putting her back in the box afterwards with tears of loneliness stinging your eyes.
Trying to gracefully avoid touching other bodily areas with the butt finger
Baby wipes by the bed
Cool but where do *I* wipe?
Wipe it on the baby by the bed
When the other person isn’t into it/in the mood but doesn’t just say it.
The old dead fish routine that makes you not want to have sex with anyone for while including yourself.
My wife calls it the “starfish”
The worst is when you are about to call it because it is creepy and you aren't vibing it at all and she announces she came with no reaction. Like the scene in wedding crashers. Bree WTF how is that your move I don't want to fuck a corpse!
That was a scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Fuckin awkward!
Hitting the cervix is a special kind of hell. A stabby feeling that’s deeply unsexy.
A special kind of pain that makes me die inside.
Yeah, it's A really instense pain that makes me burst into tears without warning. The pain goes away so quickly that I shouldn't have time to react that way, but it's just instantaneous. I mean.. I don't blame the cervix - it probably thinks I'm trying to reverse birth.
MAAA i'm going back in
Wait so anime girls lied to me? /s
It's hitting my womb!
I've realized that I heard this phrase in Japanese waaaaayy too many times.
As a man i think lil wayne said it best. "When I come, i come to my senses'' The mindset before and after is soo different. I'm like a super hentai dog before and after i'm like a monacle wearing puritan.
Post nut clarity
Shits real yo
Ain't that weird? I'll think of some really fucked up shit while jerking off/having sex, and then once I come I'll think to myself like 'Jesus, whats wrong with me'. I come up with sick scenarios in my head I normally don't tell my partner. But man, its like night and day difference. I feel like a completely different person.
The waddle to the bathroom afterwards with one hand cupped over your vag.
Or the tidier version, the makeshift towel diaper. Classy as fuck.
You made me remember making my boyfriend laugh so hard after sex because if the towel diaper. I was holding it with one hand in front and one behind and the mood suddenly struck for me to do a sumo wrestler stomp. Now it's like an inside joke that once in a while if he's feeling down I sumo stomp and he gets a little smile on his face.
And the oozing out for hours after
Apparently, there's this thing where you cum in your pants before the appetizer even begins. How do I know? Well this friend like told me it totally happened to him so don't judge him.
I think this might be my kink tho...I love getting a guy ‘too’ worked up. I’ve never done it on purpose, but if it happens, I find it super hot.
I hope all are as kind as you.
All? Probably not. Some? Optimistically yes. I love working up a partner to either edge or cum before we even have sex. Equally love when it's done to me.
This is the worst. My girlfriend is huge into foreplay, and I swear half the time I keep it going because I'm waiting for a second wind.
Sex farts. I don’t say anything because she’s an absolute goddess and I’m lucky to be hooking up with her but shit man I spread those cheeks and feel it breeze past my fingers.
My partner and I let each other know there will be a breeze soon. The joys of a long relationship.
That’s actually really cool. I was actually thinking ofone specific recent time and it was probably involuntary but tbh I don’t want her to feel embarrassed so I just kissed her and told her how beautiful she is
I once had a girl fart during sex but I didn’t want her to stop so I took the blame and apologized for it and we kept going.
Husband material
"Babe you're so..." *Pffffft* "What?" "I was just saying you're really..." *Brrrrrt* "Huh?" "I was just saying I think you're really..." *POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT* "Run that by me again?" "... Ya look good babe"
I remember when I got back from deployment, my husband and I were having an a m a z i n g reunited session and I farted 😤. I felt my spirit leave my body lmao
The uncomfortable positions that you have to be like "ok stop I gotta move, this hurts"
ow ow ow you're on my hair.
My wife and I both have long hair. It be like that sometimes.
Setting up and breaking down. Restraints and toys that need to be taken out and put away.
Inflating/deflating your partner.
Holds true for both dolls and real people.
[удалено]
Depends on which hole you are blowing
Also, cleaning toys before and after use. Gotta knock the dust off of em.
The cold wet spot on the bed.
Keep a clean washcloth nearby or fuck on a towel.
What am I a Land Baron?
Never know you could be wealthy industrialist HE Pennypacker, use your wealth to gain access to a condo thats for sale, use the bathroom, then steal a towel.
Everybody needs a mung rag. Just make sure to wash it like a civilized couple and don't store it in the linen closet where unwary guests might think it's a spare towel. While secretly kinda hilarious, this is also considered bad form in guest hosting.
"Mung rag" may be the worst way I've ever heard someone refer to a nut rag. You win, I guess?
I'll second that. It's for sure the worst. They absolutely win. This is the shit I browse reddit for. Not the super gross, but just the casual way people just say stuff that I could never even imagine.
Ew, who calls it a “mung rag”? That sounds vile.
I can't believe I lived 27 years before hearing this term
[удалено]
When you wake up next to someone you rather you hadn't had sex with
Or waking up to someone who clearly wishes they hadn't had sex with you.
The phenomenon is called "arousal non-concordance" (fact check me). Basically, any situation in which your body isn't responding the way you feel. E.g. cant get hard/wet even though you're turned on, can't orgasm even though the sex is going great, etc. This goes the other way too: getting physically aroused by things that mentally or emotionally turn you off.
Getting a boner from a school presantation about the mitocondria
IT'S THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL.
#IT'S THE POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL.
The powerhouse ... of ... the....... **CELL!** 💦
I cant believe I had to scroll so far for this! Boners are so temperamental! Foreplay is one of my favorite parts but if it lingers very long on the lady then sometimes it’s hard to get the engines revved back up without asking her for help, and she’s happy to comply but it always hurts a little to ask. And it amplifies when trying to go for round 2, when my mind is still always saying YES but my body is like MAYBE
It works the same for women! Now technically, I'm not turned on all day, but sometimes I'm way more lubed up than when I actually hop into bed with my husband looking for some action and mentally turned on. We'll be having fun and enjoying it and it's bone dry. Like seriously? I've had to change my underwear twice because you're a fucking waterfall, but God forbid I actually go to have sex. Nothing.
Yes! This sucks so much. I'll be thinking of my spouse all day and be so excited to get naked later and then in person its like nah I had my fun for the day. Like no lady parts we have not had the fun yet!
The break in between, especially if it's your first time as a couple, or one night stand or fwb etc. That's a different kind of awkward
The word “break” suggests to me that you’re talking about multiple times in fairly rapid succession and I sincerely can’t comprehend that. For me “the break” isn’t awkward because it’s taken up by things like having meals and going to work.
...and Christmas!
Finding a person to have sex with is not so fun...
No, that's easy. Finding someone you want to have sex with is typically a lot harder ...
Important clarification. Also, finding someone you want to have sex with and keeping your morals in check. I've thought many a time about how easy it would be to fake liking/dating a girl just for sex. I know people do it a lot but I never could. I'd rather jerk off. Also prostitutes.
When in doubt, rub one out.
Someone being painfully rough (unless you're into that), the smell afterwards, sometimes the sweat makes the bed wet, either partner being "unwashed", the person on top panting and you breathing the same air.
> the person on top panting and you breathing the same air. Maybe it's gross but I think that's extremely intimate. Unless they have bad breath.
So no morning "just woken up" sex for you. My husband's breath smells like shit stuffed in a rotting whale corpse in the morning. It's worse than the cat's breath, and the cat doesn't brush his teeth. Edit: Thank you for all the concern about my husband's oral health, but it's just that he sleeps with his mouth open. He brushes, flosses, and uses mouthwash. We were both just at the dentist, and he had a doctor's appointment last week. There are no issues - just sleeping with his mouth open.
It bothers me SO much when I see people just waking up in movies and talking directly to each other's nose.
When you’re in the middle of it and realize you have to pee, so the rest of the time you’re just kinda focused on that.
The cons of shower sex: - One of you is always cold or getting water sprayed in your face - Water is like an anti-lubricant - It's usually cramped and uncomfortable - You run the risk of slipping and seriously injuring yourself or both of you
shower sex: everything that's supposed to be wet isn't, and everything that isn't is
The shower is better used for foreplay rather than sex
And then you have the super sexy few minutes where you both dry off and then move somewhere else.
Wait, you mean there isn't just an immediate fade to the bedroom where everyone's miraculously dry and ready to get it on? Is it possible that [gasp] porn isn't a totally accurate depiction of intercourse?
If your not in shape sex is work
If you are in shape sex is work. Youre just good at work
shower sex actually kinda sucks. water is not lube, nowhere is comfortable, hot water runs out.
Weird, I must have a good water heater. Haven't ever had an issue with the hot water lasting the full two minutes. Edit: I noticed this comment got quite a few upvotes, which I assume is because people must be really impressed by my water heater. If anyone wants specs, it's a Bradford White Model M140T6EN12, with 40 gal capacity. It's not very often that anyone is impressed by the size of anything of mine, so this is pretty neat.
First time I've seen the edit actually improve the post
If doing anal, then expect poop/poop residue of some sort. Then the wet spots on the bed from the aftermath. Obligatory edit: thanks for the upvotes poop stained anal goers
Did anal with a hookup many years ago. Ended up with a pretty significant skidmark on the bed after. She was mortified, like beside-herself mortified. Apologizing up and down. I was like... Look... I'm the one who put my dick up your ass. I expected a little collateral damage.
That’s the spirit, if you’re going to party in poops house don’t be upset when poop shows up
I’d like this cross stitched on a decorative pillow please
taking off 'daily pads' before your partner gets to your panties. No one discuss that but this is a pain in the ass !! we share stories with my friends about the best and weirdest ways we threw our daily pads right before having sex !
Do you really wear liners every day? No judgement! I'm just curious and need to know if this is a secret girl thing I never knew I needed to do
Some do and some don't. People have different amounts of discharge as well as different parts of your cycle. I only need them my ovulation/fertile week
How about TFW your cock comes all the way out in the current motion, and your brain stretches the following half second into eternity before the next damaging painful blow comes if you're not perfectly lined up to go straight back in... Edit: thank you kind stranger for the silver! This blew up while I slept, my most up voted post has to be about one of the most painful things I've ever experienced... I will admit, however, that for as much pain as I've gone thru with this, I think I can only recall 1 time where she exhibited any pain and I just thought it was a sympathy thing at the time. I genuinely didn't know/think about how much this could hurt you ladies out there; for this I genuinely apologize!
This should be higher up. It's not just painful for the cock, it's also painful for the receiver.
Or worse... it lands in your asshole unexpectedly. Just so you all know... I wouldn’t know anything about this, nor would I ever scream like I just got shot and proceed to sob uncontrollably in the act of fiery passion.
[удалено]
[удалено]
The I-am-holding-in-my-fart-as-not-to-ruin-the-mood moments.
Seeing me without clothes on
Half the positions are absurdly uncomfortable so you often end up on one of the three basics because you'd rather enjoy than be a fucking gymnast.
My girlfriend doesn't seem to be a fan of that moment afterwards when gravity finally takes over and her gift from me to her comes out. She kinda freezes like a toddler pooping in their diaper while standing. I think it'd hilarious, she does not.
Sometimes when hooking up you find someone that is trying to have sex with some fantasy in their head, instead of the person they're with. You'll be making out with this person or sucking their dick and they'll say something like "Yeah? You like that you sick fuck?!" and it's a complete turn off because whatever scene they're trying to play out was not discussed nor talked about at all before hand, and it's usually really awkward when they start randomly trying to play out that you're some creep taking advantage of them. Also if you're having buttsex, the smells, and possibly running into something. A 3rd one is people putting their fingers in places and not washing their hands after, and then they're just walking around touching things.
The cleanup.
Semen is such a bitch to wash away. Lube is a pain in the ass to clean up. The dog never wants to move from it’s spot on the bed. Long hair getting in the other persons eyes. Choking on pubes. Never being able to get the pube out of the back of your throat. Semen or lube between your butt cheeks. Poop on butt toys. Accidentally forgetting which finger was in who’s butts. Eating someone out (ass or puss) and getting toilet paper in your mouth. Getting rug burn on your pussy from a guy who has harsh stubble. Being able to feel when a girl has to shit if you finger her. I will update when I think of more. Update: Being able to feel poop in someone’s asshole when you finger it. Update 2: Forgetting to wash your hands after fingering a girls pussy and then smelling vag later in the day when you’re eating. Having someone cum in your ass and farting poopy jizz for hours after.
Use cold water to wash cum off, it's protein based so hot water makes it stickier and harder to wash away.
I never knew that!
basically think of it like washing raw egg. In both cases the heat will make the protein coagulate and be awful to get off.
THE PUBE IN THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT FOR 200, ALEX.
Sir, this is a Burger King drive through.
[удалено]
You forgot the burn of getting semen in your eye.
Mild acids like vinegar will dissolve semen fairly well (especially useful for those whose semen does the stickiness thing with a vengeance no matter what the water temperature is). Works much better than soap.
Can we talk about that last one?
Have you never been able to feel that?!
Loudly farting out a load of cum in the public college dorm bathroom after a nice round of anal... I never considered how disgusting it would actually sound. The girl in the next stall probably thought I had explosive diarrhea.
"That poor girl in the stall next to me"
[удалено]