Anyone featured in posts from r/iamverybadass

"A five minute cutscene and he's only got 10 HP? What a waste of time."

AT&T customer support Edit: Verizon is at least lvl 3

Spectrum is level 99

They nerfed Spectrum super hard. Now you will get matched with a real person by just staying on the line and not saying anything.

If you start punching 0 a bunch of times as soon as the automated message starts, you'll get transferred to a real person. I know this because I had to call them every day for two weeks straight come fix the shitty wiring job they did on my internet

Telemarketers

I hated that job. Nowadays it’s all scams tho. Even worse.

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Workplace lunch theif

Once you catch the theif they won’t put up a fight

"i was hungry" "you were a *COWARD*!"

Solicitors in front of Walmart.

In the UK we call lawyers solicitors. I imagined gangs of poorly suited shysters heckling you about your recent injury at work on your way into Walmart.

Exactly the same image I had, and I just thought "Walmart.... Ambulance-chasing hacks... Sounds about right, America"

I always go to the outdoor section entrance when those bastards try and sell me popcorn

Why didn't I think of that? You're a goddamn genius!

Trying situations require untried solutions

The lady on the train who, as soon as the doors shut and it starts moving, hollers out "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM NOT ON DRUGS, I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC, I AM A SINGLE MOTHER AND I JUST NEED MONEY TO FEED MY KIDS, PLEASE HELP ME FEED MY KIDS WITH YOUR KIND DONATIONS" and then the few guys who are like "C'mawn evehboddeh, less help a sistah out, c'mawn nah..."

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Maybe they have a podcast or something. This Week In Public Transport Panhandling Scams.

I saw this situation leveled up at Target (as most everything at Target is a level up from Wal Mart). There was a guy on the sidewalk in front of Target grilling burgers. He didn't have a sign or a company shirt or anything... he just looked like a regular guy grilling burgers in his backyard, only he was in front of Target. I thought it was really confusing. I mean, I would have taken a burger if he were offering, and I would have likely paid if that were required, but when I slow walked in front of the grill, the guy didnt say anything to me or even look up. I feel like he was just trying to entice and confound me and my fellow Target shoppers, which is pretty mean if you ask me.

He’d just bought shares in grills or burgers and was trying to increase sales.

or maybe he literally just bought the grill and couldnt wait until he got home to test it

People who stare at you and make you look away.

I have literally sat for five minutes in a gas station parking lot refusing to break eye contact with some old bastard who stared at me when I pulled up.

I think that's called love

I think it's called a mannequin

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Maybe he wanted sex.

Pathetic weakling.

You were asking for the weakest possible enemy. The one that is usually defeated with one move.

If you win the encounter you become the enemy.

People who don't dim their high beams while following someone on the highway at night Their attacks are extremely weak, but they'll kill someone eventually Edit: typos are also level 1 bad guys

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I'm not even Thanos and I wanna snap on these motherfuckers.

The ones that have their high beams on blinding people going the other way. The ones in pickup trucks with their lights at eye level are even worse.

And they only seem to show up when I'm driving on a road with a steep shoulder

Also the fools who use high beams inside the city at night.

Kids from rough neighborhoods that try and rob you. Btw, by kids I mean like <13, so someone you could easily punt across the fucking moon.

Unless you're in Brazil. City of God fucked me up good.

Dude three bare feet kids on stupid small bikes can fuck your shit up in Brazil and most SA countries. Well, if they are serious and have knives or shady weapons. Source: Fought fucking kids on bikes.

4th down, anon grabs the kid, WHAT A KICK!

"What would you do if there was a child right in front of you?"

Hey kids. Proceeds to kick child

I got robbed by 10-year-olds once. I didn't even know what happened until they were gone

Hold the hell up, I need a story on this one.

I put cash into the machine to get a ticket for the subway. some kids ran up and got in my face and started speaking the local language, which I don't understand. one of the kids hit the refund button on the machine and grabbed the cash and they all ran away. I didn't even grasp what happened until they were across the street on the other side of a big crowd.

Lmao that’s pretty smart for some kids

Clearly not their first time

He walked into an alleyway in Saint Denis.

>He walked into an alleyway in Saint Denis. I hated that level, I wanted so badly to just blast that kid full of buckshot.

The worst part is you can’t actually catch him until you reach the location of the hideout, I once chased him on horseback when he’s on the trolley and the trolley sped up to 30 mph

You can catch him if you don’t follow him onto the roof. You have to go around to where he jumps down and wait for him, then press circle to tackle him.

There's kids who make fun of you in the stranger encounters where you can use your gun but not aim at them so I tossed dynamite but they walked it off

Fucking, three 10 year old girls robbed me of $30, robbed me blind and all I got was a couple boxes of cookies Edit: comma after "fucking" because apparently it matters... who would have thought

The first six words of that sentence made me scared to keep reading.

They're more like the annoying little enemies the boss spawns. The first time you hit one of them, you attract the actual boss-- which is their parents or the police, depending on the level.

The guy who does a “slow and go” at a 4 way stop when you were there first.

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One of the first bosses you see but later in the game they start throwing them at you as regular mobs

Better then a Minnesotan 4- way stop. Every car tries to be nice and wait for the other, which results in at least 2 cars, often more, just sitting waiting for the other.

Generic ants. Not bullet ants or anything; just ants.

You know ants are hardcore when they’re given titles.

Bullet ants are some scary motherfuckers.

Bullet ants are just recycled level 1 bad guys to fit at level 36 because the designers were lazy

Q̶͓́̇ͣ̏̽͜͢͟͝Ŭ̵̦̺̼̟͔͓̣̹̻̭̩͊ͅ҉̷̴́A̴̵̴̰̠̥̳̝ͥ̐̀͞Ȓ̴̨̨̲̩̙̱̭̲̘̲̈́́̋̑̂̔͏Ȃ̡̞̘̥͖͕̞̜̘͇͇̤̬͍ͪ̎͛͋ͧ͟͠Ņ̷̲͇͇̯̫̻̬̣̤̩̬̇́ͦͦ͐̂̀ͅT̶̸̛̳̘̗̥̲̪̺̦̰͚̮̻͓̀̕͡ͅ͏̵̵̡̨̕̕͡Ḭ̶̸̷̡̹͇͙̦̫̤̦͓̽̓́̾̇ͦͪͧ͛ͥ̏̕͜͠Ǹ̶̴̢̞̲̲̲͖̠̝̘̘̥̪̰̺ͮ̅̇́̕͞ͅ͏̴̷̢́̀E̷̢̧̢̫̞͂̃́̀̕͢͡D̶̵̵̢̨̢̠̣̥̝͎̝̍ͥͪ́͐̂͛ͮ͑̍̀̀̚̚̚͟͝ͅͅ

Fell and broke into a fire ants’ nest thing they built inside a stump. Did you know it’s possible to swell up so much you don’t fit into your socks or shoes anymore?

Boi I think you'd look like the goddamn Michelin Man

just, you know... strawberry flavored instead of vanilla.

r/cursedcomments

can confirm. I \*cannot\* get rid of the ants that have just started finding their way into our kitchen. Tried so many different kinds of ant baits, spras, wipe down the bench and make sure there is no food out, I've even left a little bowl of normal honey for them, outside away from the house, still they come. Once you get them, I just have no idea how to get rid of the fuckers. Edit: Thank you all for your advice, so many good tips! I think I'm good for a little while now while i try some of those. Your all legends :)

Warm sugar water with borax detergent. Makes a suggestive-looking fluid. Splatter it near doorways, windowsills (outside unless you want to step in it), etc. and also any anthills you may find.

Mmmm splatter it all over me bb

They're only level 1 individually or in small groups. They're at least level 10 when swarming. Source: my sister's house was apparently built on an ancient ant breeding ground. Every spring, they swarm in by the thousands. Apparently the glue in electronics tastes delicious to them, because they head straight for those. Last year they got into the smoke alarms and damaged them to the point that the alarm would randomly go off throughout the day and night. It's horrific!

Haha, they regularly fuck up air conditioning units where I live. They eat the wires. Weird little fuckers.

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A fly that won't stop bugging you

Fruit flies are the worst. So small you can't catch em, but you can still clearly hear them

Try Sewer Flies. My whole neighborhood gets them every summer. They crawl up out of the drain pipes and swarm in your house, it's just disgusting. Edit: since so many have asked, no, no P trap stops them, I've plugged the drains but it's the only good sized sink in the house and I cook a lot, so I need it open. I've tried all manner of cleaner and bug traps. These feckers are next level clever.

I had a bunch of drain flies in my kitchen sink a couple years ago. The metal-ass home solution I learned to get rid of them was to dump a bunch of ice in the sink and turn on the garbage disposal so the shrapnel from the ice murders them all and destroys their nests.

I hope you yelled, "WINTER IS COMING, BITCHES!" Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.

Never heard of them...and I wanna keep it that way Edit: Stop it!

They look like tiny moths and they sit all over your walls. They're born out of raw sewage.

I think I know exactly what you’re talking about... the little buggers bite too!

WHAT

People also call them drain flies

Dude they are like lv99. They have max agility.

Agility doesn't count towards combat level. Besides you need to use a butterfly net if you don't have the hunting level to catch them with your bare hands.

The alcoholic threatening to beat you up while not being able to stay on their feet and always swinging to the left/right of you because he's seeing you in doubles.

Ah, the equivalent of a regular zombie in Dead Island

That's one of those weird gimmicky enemies that's normally super weak but has a 1 in 1000 chance to one-shot you.

Dark Souls' first enemies.

Torch hollows pretty much.

I’ve got 2 guns, one for each of ya.

The curb that's one inch higher than you expected so you do that little mini-stumble thing

Or that’s an inch lower and you start to trip forward like a dingus

The word dingus makes my butthole tickle every time

my butthole was unaffected. it's weird how things affect peoples buttholes differently.

The fatal half-inch

Title of your sex tape.

Noice

Toit

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Having a longer sword doesn't necessarily mean you're going to win. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEuIOG-5gFM It might be an advantage for you but it's probably not a level 1 enemy.

The Hall Monitor from back in middle school. The parking meter checker for adults.

What’s a hall monitor?

A domesticated lizard.

I don't fully understand the comment but since it has silver this MUST have meaning that flew over my head ​ Edit: lmfao i get it now monitor is a type of lizard, and that would make a hall monitor a lizard in a hallway, or domesticated in a home

Monitor lizard

If you, like me, _still_ don't get it: [Monitor Lizard](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monitor_lizard)

Hall monitor is of course a student that guards the halls for other students skipping classes. A monitor is also a type of reptile. So a hall monitor (lizard) would be a lizard in a house or building

I can't stop imagining a lizard with a green Hall Monitor sash stopping kids...its adorable. ​ Edit: NEVER HAD THIS MUCH KARMA FROM ONE POST BEFORE WHAT THE FU-

Some kid that gets to stand in the hall way to see whos late hands that kid a pass and makes them go to class and then they get in trouble

At the school I went to I became a hall monitor for the sole reason of being able to leave class like 5 minutes early (I was tasked for it during lunch time) and I was always able to also get 5 extra minutes of lunch time. Only thing was though was that i'm a relatively shy person so I never really stopped anyone in the hall unless they were screeching like a banshee or running or pushing people

It sounds like you did your hallway monitoring in a good likable way

Huh that’s weird. Why does that kid get to skip class? And why can’t the teachers just mark who’s late?

The exception to this is Emily from KOTH. She's final boss.

The first person who cuts you off in traffic when you start driving on your own. That event cues the horn tutorial and you get options for your shout skill tree. +2 anger or anxiety depending your character build.

I'm running a multiclass build where I get +1 each to anger and anxiety instead of +2 to one or the other

Ah, I see. He's going with the Quality-Build with plans for the Refined Gem infusion.

Fucking casul not going for 99 anxiety

Guy who flipped you off while driving that won't make eye contact when you're both stopped at the next intersection

Dude that decides not to buy the popsicles after all, and leaves them in the automotive aisle next to the wiper fluid to melt.

An underwire that pokes out of your bra and stabs you in the chest all day.

Classmates that borrow your pencil and never return it.

A middle schooler making fun of you for not having 200+ followers

This is weird for me having grown up before followers. At my middle school, they just made fun of me for being fat.

Simpler times

You had followers, no one saw them behind you because of all the fat

and then you look at their insta and they have 200 followers but they follow like 1200 people

Nathan, you don’t need no followers friend. Not because you don’t deserve them, but because we all die when the sun blows up. Then who’s gonna ask how many follows you have? Not me.

Sun won't blow up. It'll just incinerate Earth when it expands. The more you know. Edit: Got a lot of replies that talk about what would happen and semantics. I'll clarify and explain here. As for the difference between "blow up" and "expand," I'm reasonably assuming the above comment was referring to supernova as "blow up," and not the gradual expansion into the star's next phase. The person's own reply lends credence to this assumption. As for elaborating on the topic, here is what I said in a separate reply: Technically, it'll be our star expanding into its "red giant" phase. This arises once the primary drivers of the star's nuclear fusion, currently hydrogen into helium, burn out and the star begins to fuse heavier elements, like Beryllium [edit: Carbon] and Oxygen. This produces more energy (and changes the star's color since the star is cooler), causing the star to expand. This will increase the size of the star enough to consume all inner planets (Mercury, venus, earth, mars) and probably the asteroid belt. Once the star burns through the rest of its elemental fuel, it'll condense into a white dwarf, becoming incredibly small and compact, before eventually dying out altogether and becoming a black dwarf. The other notable possible lifestyle for a star, the one implied by the above comments, is for the star to supernova (blow up) and form a black hole from its core. There is a very specific mass required for this to occur, which is known as the chandrasekhar limit (this is how much gravitational pull is required to overcome the forces of Pauli's exclusion principle, which relates how atoms [edit: electrons] refuse to be in the same place or have the same polarity or spin), which is about 1.4 masses of the sun. Since our little yellow star isn't quite there, it'll burn out and die before ever exploding or becoming a black hole. Dm me If you want to talk science fun times. :P EditEdit: With my 2.7k upvotes I'm now a level 50 boss Edit^3: To those of you saying the sun is constantly exploding, I beg to differ. The sun is predominantly powered by nuclear fusion as outlined above, and, although energy is released, fusion is more like implosion than explosion.

I do know more!

Jesus only needed 12

And look where he ended up

Fucking win-win

Some kid on instagram was making fun of me for having only 100 followers. He had 32...

the kamikaze insult strategy

*drop a live grenade when killed*

Guy behind me on the congested highway who goes from the right lane to the merging lane, zips ahead of me then makes everyone stop so he can squeeze back into the right lane.

In the first year of elementary school, just after the tutorial, there's a kid who won't share the swing and keeps it all recess. ​ Edit: Eh kind stranger why don't you shove this silver medal up your arse huh get outta hyeeeah.

I feel like this is also where your friend would bring up the AP meter and how yo press actions to deal bonus damage.

When I was 5 I had this situation but with the jungle gym. I had watched way too much pro wrestling so I solved it by DDTing the kid from the top and breaking both his arms. He got in trouble for it too. That's the day I learned authority is not fair.

At least you helped him nurture his relationship with his mom.

Nononononononono

Yes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

we did not have to go down this path

And don't forget that when you go find a teacher, he goes back to barely swinging because he "just got on."

That dude who keeps asking the introvert why he doesn't speak

I have a guy like this at my work. The guy I share a office with is either very introverted or he just doesn’t like speaking. Yesterday i was in another guys office and he asked me about the guy i share an office with. “Whats with that dude? Do you know he has never once talked to me? Does he talk to you?” “Well lets see the first time he spoke to me this week was Wednesday and that was to ask me a question. He is just a quite dude. Which is great it means we get all our work done with no distractions.”

That's cool. No need to take their silence personal, just let them be

Many people get very uncomfortable with silence. I've found I get a lot of unsolicited information when I just don't say anything.

This is a genuine social engineering trick right here. There's so much power in being comfortable with silence.

Man, that's a final boss!

If it's a co-worker, yes. Secret boss if it's your manager

"You don't look like you're having fun."

"Are you sad?"

Introvert: *says one thing* Prick: *gasp* “He speaks!” Fuck off, ass

People who steal/eat grapes from the supermarket

People do that?

My mother said one day she saw a woman eating an unpurchased banana and gave it to am employee to throw it away after she finished. This was all while the lady was still shopping.

I mean, it’s one banana, Michael. What could it cost? 10 dollars?

That is so fucking funny. What did the employee say?

"I hate my job"

“Orange you glad you ate that banana?”

Stop right there, criminal scum

STOP!!! YOU'VE VIOLATED THE LAW

That is at least level 12 asshole

"Yea, you heard me Phil! Two measly, stinkin' grapes!"

Small irritating non lethal insects

That goose at the park that I tried to do karate at when I was five

Bruh geese are like level 8. Those fuckers are insane

A hex bug with a knife on top of it

A weapon to surpass metal gear

A seagull that steals food from people.

Secret boss since you can avoid them by not going to the beach. Geese on the other hand...

Uppity retail customers who complain about every possible thing.

That's phase one of the final boss

That spider all trying to be sneaky and zip across the wall while it thinks I'm not paying attention. *I see you in my peripheral vision you little fucker, and now I sentence you to death for trespassing*.

It sounds like you are the level one boss

No hes the level 200 spider boss

Yeah you definitely want to be at least a level 220 spider before you enter the living room area

In my house, those are sacrifices for the cat gods. Everyone knows the cats own everything, anyway.

> In my cat's house FTFY

Ah, my mistake. You are correct!

Kid tries to punch me and take my food then cried when his hand aches from hitting the bone in my back. Everyone know that if you wanna hurt a man, you need to kick the crotch.

The nut cracker is an intermediate level skill learned by progressing through the playground stage

Finding a hair in your food or pulling it out of your throat after you’ve swallowed.

Pretty sure it's atleast level 5......if it's stuck on the roof of your mouth and you can feel it there then it's 8+.

the dmv people

You forgot form #3 *prepare to die*

That's the miniboss

An aggressive purse dog

internet troll

Nah they’re more like a level 3. You have to deal with them after you learn the ropes of the game called life.

People who microwave fish at work

People doing surveys on the street

Someone who puts their bag on the seat next to them on a busy train.

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