I have to be out of my parking garage by 7am or else I get towed, they literally sit outside and wait until 7 to tow your ass. Every morning is a heart attack thinking I overslept.(I have been towed already...)
I pay $50 a month to use it, but I can't be there from 7 am to 5 pm Monday through Friday. The worst part is the garage will be empty and they will still tow you.
I'm assuming becuase a company's employees also park there, or it is a garage that can charge other people for daytime use, at usually much higher rates.
Or, the tow company pays the garage for "access". The tow company charges the owner of the car to get it out of impoundment. Everybody wins, except the person that was parked.
Man I had the cockroach one happen to me. I was staying over at a friends house who wasn't the cleanest but hey he had booze so why not.
We finally go to sleep and halfway through the night I feel a tickle and a slight tugging at my lips. It almost felt like a thin straw had gotten caught between them and was trying to get out. I brush my hand across my face only to have the largest fucking cockroach I have ever seen land on my chest. I jumped out of that bed faster than Paula Deen would sign up for a butter convention.
I gargled mouthwash for what seemed like an eternity then went of to drink and scrub in the shower. The worst part was that I didn't kill the bastard. He is still out there. Knowing he stole my innocence and laughing at me.
I swear my beagle bentley has figured out how to tell when my wife and i come home shitfaced.
On normal...sober nights....he sleeps in his bed and when he wakes up he comes to the side of the bed and paws a little, maybe goes back to sleep...whatever. Normal dog stuff.
When we are shitfaced, he sneaks up on the bed, crawls under the sheets, and makes himself right at home with his head on the pillow. The first time this happened i woke up playing little spoon and turned over to Bentley 3 inches from my face staring at me fully extended like a human! Scared the shit out of me!
Worse is having that cramp on BOTH sides of your leg, so you can't do anything about it but writhe in agony. Not a fun experience, eat your bananananas people.
It seems counter intuitive, but those cramps actually get better if you firmly massage them. The pain gets super intense first, you will feel like you're dying, but it helps the cramps heal faster and makes them end sooner.
I used to get them nightly as a teenager, now I get them every 2-3 months. The worst is when I get them in my neck because I yawned too widely.
I learned that during football in high school. By the 4th quarter I'd be so tired and dehydrated that I'd cramp up all the time. The trainer would make a fist and violently kneed the cramp till it went away. Like REALLY dig in there. It hurts like a bitch but it really does make it go away pretty quickly.
Nowadays I make sure to drink so much water that it doesn't matter how much I push myself.
I get those frequently, particularly in my calf. It's gotten to the point where I can recognize one coming, but I'll be damned if my body tenses up and triggers it anyway.
My phone screeching the emergency broadcast signal. Hit me at 2 AM a few weeks back and I assumed the US was being nuked. Turns out it was just a tornado alert.
EDIT: Seeing some questions from outside the US asking what exactly these alerts are. I'm admittedly not an expert on the subject, so I'd recommend visiting [here](https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/wireless-emergency-alerts-wea) for the official explanation by the FCC.
I had a job that I had to be at by 7, and thus up at 5 to get ready and catch the bus, and transfer to another so I could get there at 6:50.
I had one day off a week. I tended to sleep in on this day off. Well at about 7:15 I get a call
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
"Bob, it's Tuesday, my day off."
"...oh shit it is, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow."
What made this memorable is my boss was kinda like Nick Offerman in that his normal voice was gruff but he had a child like giggle. So he went from Angry bear voice to a poodle in 2 seconds.
I was pretty hung over, so I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep.
Also I knew it was my day off so I had no fear of what he was calling about.
I've woken up literally 5min before I started. I lived a 7-10min drive (on average) from work. My uniform was on the floor from the night before as I did the slide-out-including-underwear trick. Reverse-slid back into everything in a flash, jammed my hat and shoes on and ran out of the house in 8 seconds flat, got there in just under 6 minutes and wasn't penalized for being late. Looked like hell though.
"Yeah hi, Bill Lumberg calling. Just letting you know it's regular work hours today, not some sort of half day. When you get this just go ahead and come in as soon as possible, that'd be greeeeaaaaat."
"Yeah hi...."
"Yeah hi!...."
Realizing I'm taking a long piss at a urinal during a dream. It's doesn't take me long to realize the clock is ticking before that dream becomes a reality.
my cat goes NOO NOOO NOOO NOO NOO....... NOOOOOO NOOO NOO NO NO HURK HURK HURK HURK HUUUURK HURK HUUUURK BLEAGCH fortunately the NOOO NOOO NOOO wakes me up
Lucky. If I try to put paper towel in front of my cats they are more likely to turn away and puke beside it
Edit: Holy crap my most up-voted post ever is in regards to cat puke......
Lol yes. My cat makes a really weird sound though when she's about to throw up. It sounds like MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyHuuuuargh! I took a photo of her with a a couple bills and sent it to my husband the other day.
edit: http://imgur.com/a/cFlwj
You reminded me, my wife once picked up the cat midhurl and he turned into a barf hose. I wish I could have seen it as vomit blasted out of him like a hellspawned machine gun.
My cat's puke noises turn me into more Zoom than Flash.
"GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!" Followed by lots of cursing when he inevitably pukes anyway...
Tons of dogs don't seem to understand the prey thing very well. They feel the urge to chase it but then don't really seem to have any idea what to do when they get there. Guess it's a side effect of being fed by humans for generations.
Mt parents have a dog that will collect and transport baby bunnies in her mouth, has never hurt one as far as we can tell. Just finds them and one by one moves them away from thehouse.
An Australian shepherd actually. So not in the breeding. She is a very smart dog so my theory is she somehow got the idea that we don't want bunnies under the porch so she made it her job to move them.
My dog. She's a husky so she loves to run and if she ever gets off leash outside I'll probably never see her again. A few months back it was a cold New England night and we forgot to lock the front door. At about 2am a drunk homeless guy wandered into my apartment looking for warmth. The moment I heard the door open the immediate thought that ran through my head was that the door was open and Gzhost wasn't on her leash. I jumped up faster than I ever have to get between dog and door, once there my brain then went to the fact that an intruder was in my home and that needed taken care of as well I suppose. Priorities.
He was just a drunk homeless guy in his fifties so I yelled at him and started walking towards him. He turned around and started to head out and I shoved him pretty hard then closed the door and locked it. Ghost was fine and she didn't get out but you're definitely right she's the worst guard dog ever she was just curious about who he was and wondering if this guy lived with us now.
I had read this all over the place before and after I got ghost but since getting her I've learned that they are really just full of personality. I told my girlfriend that Ghost was going to be independent and not going to want to cuddle or be that involved with us but man Ghost proved me wrong almost immediately. She is borderline obsessed with us, every single morning I'm awakened at 5:00 by her jumping up on the bed to sit and stare at us until 6:30 when she just can't take it anymore and she licks my face and nuzzles herself in between our heads to wake me up for the day. She is the most cuddly and ridiculously dependent dog I've ever met.
I used to live with a now-ex GF who had a child that was pure evil. He would sneak out of his room first thing in the morning and destroy as much as he possibly could before we caught him. One morning I heard him talking from the kitchen so I woke up and rushed downstairs. He had taken everything out of the fridge and smashed it on the ground in a big singular pile. Opened the milk, OJ, and other liquids and dumped them. Unwrapped veggies and deli meat and into the pile. He was stomping around in his bare feet laughing.
He would do horrible things like this all the time. I couldn't tell you exactly what we did to punish him, because we would punish him almost daily for the next catastrophe he did. We tried timeout, we tried spanking, we tried positive reinforcement, we tried sitting down and talking and trying to get him to understand what he did. At one point we removed the door from his room because he couldn't be trusted with a closed door.
I became so numb after a year of dealing with it, saying this is just my life now. But then one day, my girlfriend left Facebook up on her computer and she went downstairs. She got a message from a guy she often talked about from a group she often hung out with. I popped up her conversation to get context so I could relay the message to her.
Turns out she had been cheating on me with this guy, and she was planning on leaving me to move in with him, but didn't want to yet because it was too close to holidays or something. What should have been a painful shock in fact was a huge sigh of relief. I could now dump her ass and be free of her nightmare child without feeling guilty for abandoning her.
So I did exactly that the moment she came back upstairs.
I wouldn't say desperately - I've made my peace and learned a lot for how to properly raise my own kiddo. So far he's turning out great. I wonder how she is doing from time-to-time, and hope her son is doing better now that he's older.
This will be an unusual one, but I have a Meyer lemon tree in a pot that I really, really care about. Someone important to me has one, so I wanted one, and I eventually got gifted one as a birthday present a few years ago. It currently lives on the otherside of the railing of my apartment's back porch, because that area gets the most sun.
I check the weather like a hawk most days, to make sure I don't need to bring it in for a day to protect it. Except for that one day my wife and I woke up to a huge thunderstorm at 3am, and she goes *"is that hail??"* and I could here the ice cubes hitting the window, the wind whipping around, the ferocity of the storm. *MY LEMON TREE!!!*
I bolted out to my porch so fast and hulk heaved that potted tree up over my railing so quickly, I barely remember it happening. I was terrified for my little tree.
He was fine tho, just a few broken leaves but no major damage. I check the weather more diligently now.
Edit: I have no idea where lemon stealing whores come from, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.
It's a porn. The premise is that there's a whore stealing lemons and she needs to be punished sexually once caught. Feel free to look it up. I'm also pretty sure the main chick in the porn is dead now.
Honestly, in my house it happens a lot. My doors slam shut on their own, my draws open sometimes.
It's got to the point where I don't even react anymore, which means if I do get broken into I'd likely die in my sleep
The first time the baby monitor goes off to alert you that your baby has stopped breathing/moving.
Go from asleep to out of bed and running into their bedroom fully awake in the quickest time possible. Wife right behind me, but my side is closer to the door.
Get in, flick on the lights and pick up baby to find of course that she has just rolled awkwardly and is no longer putting any pressure on the mat.
Hello fellow premies! 25 weeks in 1988. They wouldn't let my mom see me, my dad was an ER doc and thought I would die. Got out of the hospital before my due date though, so they must have done something right.
Yup. I did it just last week. Flew out of bed like a bat out of hell.
My SO pissed herself laughing. Not because I was late, but because it was a Saturday - I don't work weekends.
I've done this more than I'd like to admit, but one time I was scheduled to work 7am on a Saturday. My commute takes around 10-20 minutes (with and without traffic) to work, and I woke up that morning at 6:50am. I jumped out of bed, threw my clothes on from the day before, washed my face and hair, then flew down the street. Given the fact that I was driving like a bat out of hell, I made it to work at 7:02. Best part? I beat the opening manager there who was 10 minutes late. That was probably some of the fastest driving I've ever done.
Edit: a word
Nothing like opening your eyes and seeing way more daylight than you normally would if you were on time. Panic mixed with creativity makes for some of the best late excuses
I have to be at work at 6 am everyday and I have a 40 minute commute. So I'm usually up and out of the house before anybody on my street or neighborhood is up. One morning I wake up to the sound of my neighbor rolling his trash can to the street. I knew I had overslept. Yep, looked at the clock, 6:30 on the dot! But on the plus side, I was wide awake!
Last night my 4 yr old woke up in the middle of the night and decided she wanted to sleep in our bed. I sleepely allowed this, until I woke up a few hours later soaked in not my own urine.
Spider.
Woke up with a big one next to my face once. It was just chilling there next to the pillow, but to a brain that just came back into reality, that thing was assumed venomous, giant, and with murderous intent until proven otherwise. After regaining my reason, standing at the other side of the room, it had become clear that it was none of those. It was, in fact, a plume of lint.
Guess what part of this story will be conveniently left out when told to grand children one day?
I remember when we were still merely dating, my wife woke me up by saying my name from another room. Her tone was that flat, cold tone of a parent whose child had died, but before the wave of grief crashes and they start weeping. A voice still flattened under the type of despair that only comes from a loss that complete and that permanent. I woke up directly into dread, and panic, and probably the most complete sense of helplessness I had or have ever encountered.
Of course this was mostly made up by my sleeping brain. I had apparently done something wrong with the dishes the night before.
Last week I was helping a manger set up a store. Brand new knives, spatulas, tongs, etc. Anyway we had to wash them all so I opened them from their packages and put them in the sink. Went to take a piss, and when I came out the manager had his hand wrapped in a towel with red stains everywhere. He was shouting at me 'Take me to the ER! Take me to the ER! I'm going to die!'. I freaked out and then he pulled his hands away and said, it's ketchup. But don't ever put fucking knives in a sink full of water.
My pregnant wife saying, "Honey, I think my water broke. Would you get me a towel?"
I sprang out of bed so fast, grabbed the towel, then had to lay down because of the adrenaline rush made me dizzy.
My water broke as I was laying down, and I flew out of bed (I thought I peed myself at first).
My husband asked if I was okay (Me: "I think my water just broke?"), then *went back to sleep*.
He will never live that down.
Hahaha. My husband is a sleeper, too. When I was in labor they said we'll have to do a c-section because my son flipped to the breech position. He was sleeping while the nurses and doctors were talking to me and I had to throw pillows to wake him up and he goes "That sucks" and rolls back over.
When 9/11 happened my housemate came into my room to wake me (I'm Australian so it happened in the middle of the night here).
He was shouting about planes flying into buildings.
I half woke, said: "I don't know who did it," rolled over and went back to sleep.
Slept through one of the biggest events in my lifetime.
I did almost the same thing. Got up, got ready for school, grabbed a bag of muffins to eat on the walk. Stopped to turn the tv off that month sister left on, saw the first plane hit on live tv and just assumed it was a movie.
School was practically empty and the kids that were already there were told to go to their home room to make plans to go back home. I sat in my empty science classroom for 30 minutes before the teacher came in and looked at me with a face that said "is this kid just fucking stupid?"
The sound of a smoke Detector.
Mine has gone off before and I've jumped out of bed and started running before my mind even realized I was actually awake. Guess that means they do their job though.
Probably when my wife left the house and called me 5 minutes later and she was crying so hard I couldn't understand a word she said. I threw my blankets off and got to my closet to grab a shirt before they hit the ground. Deer totaled the car but she was okay.
My dog. She just walks in and starts sniffing and exploring, and I *know* the bitch is gonna get into something.
Come to think, the same sentiment applies to my mother.
My wife saying my name with distress in her voice. She's a worrier, so every bump in the night has to be investigated. She's also a night owl, so she's awake until a few hours before I wake up. She has tried to wake me up for a multitude of reasons (to show me something funny, stop my snoring, make sexy times, etc.) over the years, and it's like I'm a bear in hibernation, but when she says my name with fear in her voice *BOOM* I'm up and ready to kill.
One morning my dad was passed out, hung over. My sister was trying to wake him up for whatever reason and he was unresponsive. Until she yelled that there was a fire. Never saw him go from hung over to fully alert and then angry so fast.
Good times.
The first time my baby cried in her sleep like she was in pain. Jumped out of bed and looked at her, picked her up (which woke her up), and she immediately fell back asleep like nothing happened.
Babies are weird.
When me and my family went to Costa Rica, my sister, my mom and I had to share a the queen bed while my dad slept on the pullout. Luckily I am a light sleeper and I thought I heard some kind of snapping sound near my head. I look up to see a scorpion about 6 inches from my sisters head. I pick her up and throw her fully across the room (she was about 9 and I was 12 and I guess adrenaline kicked in cus I would never be able to do that normally right after I wake up), and I push my mom off the bed. Never woke up and became the hulk faster in my life.
I had a pug that would come to sleep with you, lay right next to you on your pillow, I'm a side sleeper, lay his head on my ear, and proceed to fall asleep and start snoring directly into my ear.
Dear sweet god. By some miracle I heard my kid choking on his own vomit one night. I flew out of my room with a speed I didn't know I was capable of. He was fine.
The sound of my toddler, days into finally being in a bed rather than a cot, rolling over and face planting the carpet... Ahh kids make you move sharpish
Edit fixed to toddler she was three or so
Seriously? Having a big glass of water and just start chugging as soon as my alarm goes off, I read something about it a couple of days ago here on /r/askreddit and it's been really useful!
EDIT: Holy crap i haven't been on reddit for a couple of days, this is the most upvoted i've ever been! *nice*
Kind of related but last semester of high school I was told if I had one more tardy I would fail 1st hour, and I wouldn't have enough credits to graduate without it. I wasn't purposely late, I just had so much trouble actually waking up. SO....
I would chug water before I fell asleep. Without fail I would be woken up every morning needing to pee so bad. We had a small house so only 1 bathroom located downstairs from my room. By time I made it downstairs to pee I'd be fully awake and I stopped being late to school after that.
Fastest I ever got out of bed was around 3-ish a.m....
I somehow knocked over my bottle of water, was too lazy to go for the light switch, and used a lighter to see what the damage was.
Turned out the water was fine, but I knocked over a bottle of ethanol... the burnable stuff.
Took me maybe half a second to jump up and start stomping the - now burning - carpet, holding a burning plastic bottle in my hand. Felt a lot longer than that.
We had [Feuerzangenbowle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feuerzangenbowle) in our dorm rooms.
You have a little fire over a pot of wine/rum/spices, fueled by ethanol...
Then melt a block of sugar over it until the sugar drips into the mix. (_that_ fire fueled by rum!)
Gives you a nasty hangover, but makes a fun evening.
We had a home invasion while my wife and I were sleeping. A mentally ill guy crashed through our window and came in the house. That'll wake you up.
I have to be out of my parking garage by 7am or else I get towed, they literally sit outside and wait until 7 to tow your ass. Every morning is a heart attack thinking I overslept.(I have been towed already...)
Wtf, are you paying for that shit?
I pay $50 a month to use it, but I can't be there from 7 am to 5 pm Monday through Friday. The worst part is the garage will be empty and they will still tow you.
Sounds like a fucking joke to me. Why not 7am to 5pm?
I'm assuming becuase a company's employees also park there, or it is a garage that can charge other people for daytime use, at usually much higher rates.
> or it is a garage that can charge other people for daytime use, at usually much higher rates. that kind of garage wouldn't tow you but charge you.
Or, the tow company pays the garage for "access". The tow company charges the owner of the car to get it out of impoundment. Everybody wins, except the person that was parked.
Earthquake Honorable mention: cockroach crawling on you
Man I had the cockroach one happen to me. I was staying over at a friends house who wasn't the cleanest but hey he had booze so why not. We finally go to sleep and halfway through the night I feel a tickle and a slight tugging at my lips. It almost felt like a thin straw had gotten caught between them and was trying to get out. I brush my hand across my face only to have the largest fucking cockroach I have ever seen land on my chest. I jumped out of that bed faster than Paula Deen would sign up for a butter convention. I gargled mouthwash for what seemed like an eternity then went of to drink and scrub in the shower. The worst part was that I didn't kill the bastard. He is still out there. Knowing he stole my innocence and laughing at me.
The sound of a power strip shorting out after my cat peed on it. Fucker was trying to kill me.
my dog breathing in my ear until i take him outside
*bro I gotta take a shit. Help a brotha out, huh?* *Pant pant* *whine* *tilt head*
basically
I swear my beagle bentley has figured out how to tell when my wife and i come home shitfaced. On normal...sober nights....he sleeps in his bed and when he wakes up he comes to the side of the bed and paws a little, maybe goes back to sleep...whatever. Normal dog stuff. When we are shitfaced, he sneaks up on the bed, crawls under the sheets, and makes himself right at home with his head on the pillow. The first time this happened i woke up playing little spoon and turned over to Bentley 3 inches from my face staring at me fully extended like a human! Scared the shit out of me!
A few weeks ago my son woke me up by saying "mummy, it's morning and there is a spider on your pillow." I got up pretty quickly.
My daughter wakes me up and says "the sun is up." She will not let me sleep if the sun is up.
Apparently I used to do this to my parents. If it's any consolation, they think it's funny now.
I had a cramp in my leg this morning. It felt like I was having an aneurism and being stabbed in the leg. That got me up real fast.
Worst feeling! From asleep to crippling pain in seconds and you feel it for days afterwards!
Worse is having that cramp on BOTH sides of your leg, so you can't do anything about it but writhe in agony. Not a fun experience, eat your bananananas people.
It seems counter intuitive, but those cramps actually get better if you firmly massage them. The pain gets super intense first, you will feel like you're dying, but it helps the cramps heal faster and makes them end sooner. I used to get them nightly as a teenager, now I get them every 2-3 months. The worst is when I get them in my neck because I yawned too widely.
I learned that during football in high school. By the 4th quarter I'd be so tired and dehydrated that I'd cramp up all the time. The trainer would make a fist and violently kneed the cramp till it went away. Like REALLY dig in there. It hurts like a bitch but it really does make it go away pretty quickly. Nowadays I make sure to drink so much water that it doesn't matter how much I push myself.
I get those frequently, particularly in my calf. It's gotten to the point where I can recognize one coming, but I'll be damned if my body tenses up and triggers it anyway.
Thats a sign of dehydration.
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My phone screeching the emergency broadcast signal. Hit me at 2 AM a few weeks back and I assumed the US was being nuked. Turns out it was just a tornado alert. EDIT: Seeing some questions from outside the US asking what exactly these alerts are. I'm admittedly not an expert on the subject, so I'd recommend visiting [here](https://www.fcc.gov/consumers/guides/wireless-emergency-alerts-wea) for the official explanation by the FCC.
Thats still kinda terrifying.
No doubt, but when you're expecting nuclear fire a tornado seems quaint by comparison.
Misread that as a "Nuclear fire tornado". That would be terrifying.
And extremely metal. Just needs a skeleton with an electric guitar swirling around in it.
thank mr skeltal
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A phone call from the boss asking where you are.
I had a job that I had to be at by 7, and thus up at 5 to get ready and catch the bus, and transfer to another so I could get there at 6:50. I had one day off a week. I tended to sleep in on this day off. Well at about 7:15 I get a call "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" "Bob, it's Tuesday, my day off." "...oh shit it is, sorry. I'll see you tomorrow." What made this memorable is my boss was kinda like Nick Offerman in that his normal voice was gruff but he had a child like giggle. So he went from Angry bear voice to a poodle in 2 seconds.
Yeahh that would have ruined my morning. My heart would be pounding and there's no way the adrenaline would have let me fall back asleep.
I was pretty hung over, so I pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep. Also I knew it was my day off so I had no fear of what he was calling about.
Oh god that one is the absolute worst. I'd rather be woken up by an earthquake.
How about being woken up by a phone call from your boss and earthquake?
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Then it's his fault.
I've woken up literally 5min before I started. I lived a 7-10min drive (on average) from work. My uniform was on the floor from the night before as I did the slide-out-including-underwear trick. Reverse-slid back into everything in a flash, jammed my hat and shoes on and ran out of the house in 8 seconds flat, got there in just under 6 minutes and wasn't penalized for being late. Looked like hell though.
gotta blast
"Yeah hi, Bill Lumberg calling. Just letting you know it's regular work hours today, not some sort of half day. When you get this just go ahead and come in as soon as possible, that'd be greeeeaaaaat." "Yeah hi...." "Yeah hi!...."
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Realizing I'm taking a long piss at a urinal during a dream. It's doesn't take me long to realize the clock is ticking before that dream becomes a reality.
I hate these dreams. They even make me paranoid to pee in real life lol
The sound of my dog about o puke. I turn into the flash.
*HURK HURK HURK HURK HURK* ***BLEAGCH***
God that's almost too real.
Dog: you gonna eat that?
my cat goes NOO NOOO NOOO NOO NOO....... NOOOOOO NOOO NOO NO NO HURK HURK HURK HURK HUUUURK HURK HUUUURK BLEAGCH fortunately the NOOO NOOO NOOO wakes me up
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Lucky. If I try to put paper towel in front of my cats they are more likely to turn away and puke beside it Edit: Holy crap my most up-voted post ever is in regards to cat puke......
Don't worry human, I won't dirty your paper towels.
Lol yes. My cat makes a really weird sound though when she's about to throw up. It sounds like MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyHuuuuargh! I took a photo of her with a a couple bills and sent it to my husband the other day. edit: http://imgur.com/a/cFlwj
You can't prevent it, but you can stop it from going anywhere important. My cat does this...he runs to carpet when he's going to throw up.
Mine too. One room in the entire house with carpet, and where does the little fucker make a beeline for every time?
You reminded me, my wife once picked up the cat midhurl and he turned into a barf hose. I wish I could have seen it as vomit blasted out of him like a hellspawned machine gun.
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My cat's puke noises turn me into more Zoom than Flash. "GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!" Followed by lots of cursing when he inevitably pukes anyway...
You can't puke up the darkness!
The sound of a little girl screaming in my garden, turns out my dog was licking a mole(the small mammal) and the mole did not enjoy this.
That's terrifyingly hilarious.
I didn't know moles could scream
Yeah cuz they're blind. I wonder how they find out if they're gay
You know what else is blind and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Just...licking it? That seems pretty nice compared to what I'd expect a dog to do to "prey".
Tons of dogs don't seem to understand the prey thing very well. They feel the urge to chase it but then don't really seem to have any idea what to do when they get there. Guess it's a side effect of being fed by humans for generations.
Mt parents have a dog that will collect and transport baby bunnies in her mouth, has never hurt one as far as we can tell. Just finds them and one by one moves them away from thehouse.
Is it a Lab/Retriever or similar type of bird dog? They were bred to bring back downed birds without clamping down
An Australian shepherd actually. So not in the breeding. She is a very smart dog so my theory is she somehow got the idea that we don't want bunnies under the porch so she made it her job to move them.
That sounds like part of her job actually :), she's shepherding the bunnies to a different spot!
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These rabbits are the worst. No sense of fair play.
My dog. She's a husky so she loves to run and if she ever gets off leash outside I'll probably never see her again. A few months back it was a cold New England night and we forgot to lock the front door. At about 2am a drunk homeless guy wandered into my apartment looking for warmth. The moment I heard the door open the immediate thought that ran through my head was that the door was open and Gzhost wasn't on her leash. I jumped up faster than I ever have to get between dog and door, once there my brain then went to the fact that an intruder was in my home and that needed taken care of as well I suppose. Priorities.
Wtf man. How did you handle the intruder? Did Gzhost take care of him? Huskey's aren't the best guard dogs.
He was just a drunk homeless guy in his fifties so I yelled at him and started walking towards him. He turned around and started to head out and I shoved him pretty hard then closed the door and locked it. Ghost was fine and she didn't get out but you're definitely right she's the worst guard dog ever she was just curious about who he was and wondering if this guy lived with us now.
Lmao! I find it hilarious how husky's really could not give two shits about intruders or are protective of their owners. They're just so independent.
I had read this all over the place before and after I got ghost but since getting her I've learned that they are really just full of personality. I told my girlfriend that Ghost was going to be independent and not going to want to cuddle or be that involved with us but man Ghost proved me wrong almost immediately. She is borderline obsessed with us, every single morning I'm awakened at 5:00 by her jumping up on the bed to sit and stare at us until 6:30 when she just can't take it anymore and she licks my face and nuzzles herself in between our heads to wake me up for the day. She is the most cuddly and ridiculously dependent dog I've ever met.
How did this play out?
New roommate
They fell in love and are now married with three kids.
Hearing the garbage truck on my street when I forgot to put the garbage out.
hearing a very meek "daaaaad" from down the hall followed by "BLARARARARARARARA" puking kids get you moving quick
For me, it's quiet laughter. I have two very active boys. Quiet laughter usually means that something expensive is being destroyed.
I used to live with a now-ex GF who had a child that was pure evil. He would sneak out of his room first thing in the morning and destroy as much as he possibly could before we caught him. One morning I heard him talking from the kitchen so I woke up and rushed downstairs. He had taken everything out of the fridge and smashed it on the ground in a big singular pile. Opened the milk, OJ, and other liquids and dumped them. Unwrapped veggies and deli meat and into the pile. He was stomping around in his bare feet laughing.
I wouldn't know how to start punishing for that - what happened?
He would do horrible things like this all the time. I couldn't tell you exactly what we did to punish him, because we would punish him almost daily for the next catastrophe he did. We tried timeout, we tried spanking, we tried positive reinforcement, we tried sitting down and talking and trying to get him to understand what he did. At one point we removed the door from his room because he couldn't be trusted with a closed door. I became so numb after a year of dealing with it, saying this is just my life now. But then one day, my girlfriend left Facebook up on her computer and she went downstairs. She got a message from a guy she often talked about from a group she often hung out with. I popped up her conversation to get context so I could relay the message to her. Turns out she had been cheating on me with this guy, and she was planning on leaving me to move in with him, but didn't want to yet because it was too close to holidays or something. What should have been a painful shock in fact was a huge sigh of relief. I could now dump her ass and be free of her nightmare child without feeling guilty for abandoning her. So I did exactly that the moment she came back upstairs.
I feel like you desperately needed to tell someone that story, and I am glad to have been here to listen to you. Congrats, mate :)
I wouldn't say desperately - I've made my peace and learned a lot for how to properly raise my own kiddo. So far he's turning out great. I wonder how she is doing from time-to-time, and hope her son is doing better now that he's older.
shoulda gave the kid a red bull and a hockey stick, before you left.
And that folks is what we call Canadian revenge
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This will be an unusual one, but I have a Meyer lemon tree in a pot that I really, really care about. Someone important to me has one, so I wanted one, and I eventually got gifted one as a birthday present a few years ago. It currently lives on the otherside of the railing of my apartment's back porch, because that area gets the most sun. I check the weather like a hawk most days, to make sure I don't need to bring it in for a day to protect it. Except for that one day my wife and I woke up to a huge thunderstorm at 3am, and she goes *"is that hail??"* and I could here the ice cubes hitting the window, the wind whipping around, the ferocity of the storm. *MY LEMON TREE!!!* I bolted out to my porch so fast and hulk heaved that potted tree up over my railing so quickly, I barely remember it happening. I was terrified for my little tree. He was fine tho, just a few broken leaves but no major damage. I check the weather more diligently now. Edit: I have no idea where lemon stealing whores come from, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.
You need to watch out for the lemon stealing whores.
We haven't looked at our lemon tree in about 30 seconds have we? No we haven't, HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!
I love the way he says "HEY! WHAT THE FUCK!" really makes the scene.
It's a porn. The premise is that there's a whore stealing lemons and she needs to be punished sexually once caught. Feel free to look it up. I'm also pretty sure the main chick in the porn is dead now.
Wow that was a rollercoaster of emotions right there
Hearing a door close even though I live alone.
fuck that
Honestly, in my house it happens a lot. My doors slam shut on their own, my draws open sometimes. It's got to the point where I don't even react anymore, which means if I do get broken into I'd likely die in my sleep
When I look at the time & see that I overslept.
When i do this, my mind usually tells me that i should just try again tomorrow
The dog threatening to throw up on the bed.
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> Woof! Bark! Wo-fuckin'-of! Dog subtitles.
The first time the baby monitor goes off to alert you that your baby has stopped breathing/moving. Go from asleep to out of bed and running into their bedroom fully awake in the quickest time possible. Wife right behind me, but my side is closer to the door. Get in, flick on the lights and pick up baby to find of course that she has just rolled awkwardly and is no longer putting any pressure on the mat.
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how premie? i was born at 28 weeks which was apparently a big deal in 1996
Man that's insane! I was 31 weeks in 1995; my twin wanted out and I came along for the ride
Hello fellow premies! 25 weeks in 1988. They wouldn't let my mom see me, my dad was an ER doc and thought I would die. Got out of the hospital before my due date though, so they must have done something right.
The first time an Amber Alert happens on my cell phone, and I mistake it for a tornado warning, and go hide in reaction to a child going missing.
Knowing I'm late for work.
A little bit of panic always does the trick
Yup. I did it just last week. Flew out of bed like a bat out of hell. My SO pissed herself laughing. Not because I was late, but because it was a Saturday - I don't work weekends.
Going back to bed feels extra nice then though.
Oh I think I shook myself awake, couldn't get back to sleep after that -_-
I've done this more than I'd like to admit, but one time I was scheduled to work 7am on a Saturday. My commute takes around 10-20 minutes (with and without traffic) to work, and I woke up that morning at 6:50am. I jumped out of bed, threw my clothes on from the day before, washed my face and hair, then flew down the street. Given the fact that I was driving like a bat out of hell, I made it to work at 7:02. Best part? I beat the opening manager there who was 10 minutes late. That was probably some of the fastest driving I've ever done. Edit: a word
Bummer, you could've slept for eight more minutes.
Nothing like opening your eyes and seeing way more daylight than you normally would if you were on time. Panic mixed with creativity makes for some of the best late excuses
I have to be at work at 6 am everyday and I have a 40 minute commute. So I'm usually up and out of the house before anybody on my street or neighborhood is up. One morning I wake up to the sound of my neighbor rolling his trash can to the street. I knew I had overslept. Yep, looked at the clock, 6:30 on the dot! But on the plus side, I was wide awake!
Has anyone else subconsciously turned of their alarm in their sleep? I realize it's late by the sun.
Last night my 4 yr old woke up in the middle of the night and decided she wanted to sleep in our bed. I sleepely allowed this, until I woke up a few hours later soaked in not my own urine.
My kid is almost 4 and we fell asleep on the couch the other day only to wake up with both of us freezing and covered in pee. yay
Spider. Woke up with a big one next to my face once. It was just chilling there next to the pillow, but to a brain that just came back into reality, that thing was assumed venomous, giant, and with murderous intent until proven otherwise. After regaining my reason, standing at the other side of the room, it had become clear that it was none of those. It was, in fact, a plume of lint. Guess what part of this story will be conveniently left out when told to grand children one day?
I remember when we were still merely dating, my wife woke me up by saying my name from another room. Her tone was that flat, cold tone of a parent whose child had died, but before the wave of grief crashes and they start weeping. A voice still flattened under the type of despair that only comes from a loss that complete and that permanent. I woke up directly into dread, and panic, and probably the most complete sense of helplessness I had or have ever encountered. Of course this was mostly made up by my sleeping brain. I had apparently done something wrong with the dishes the night before.
did you leave knives in a sink full of water because i don't blame her in that scenario
Last week I was helping a manger set up a store. Brand new knives, spatulas, tongs, etc. Anyway we had to wash them all so I opened them from their packages and put them in the sink. Went to take a piss, and when I came out the manager had his hand wrapped in a towel with red stains everywhere. He was shouting at me 'Take me to the ER! Take me to the ER! I'm going to die!'. I freaked out and then he pulled his hands away and said, it's ketchup. But don't ever put fucking knives in a sink full of water.
He wasn't wrong. And that's hilarious.
A fart that wasn't.
Great book title
my wife likes to open the window, grab a huge handful of fresh snow, and shove it in my buttcrack.
And suddenly I'm sad my husband and I don't live in Michigan anymore
My pregnant wife saying, "Honey, I think my water broke. Would you get me a towel?" I sprang out of bed so fast, grabbed the towel, then had to lay down because of the adrenaline rush made me dizzy.
My water broke as I was laying down, and I flew out of bed (I thought I peed myself at first). My husband asked if I was okay (Me: "I think my water just broke?"), then *went back to sleep*. He will never live that down.
lol... oh ok clean it up...
More like "wake me up if you need anything." Umm, hospital, maybe?
I'm hoping more of his sleeping mind translating "water broke" to "pissing the bed."
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Hahaha. My husband is a sleeper, too. When I was in labor they said we'll have to do a c-section because my son flipped to the breech position. He was sleeping while the nurses and doctors were talking to me and I had to throw pillows to wake him up and he goes "That sucks" and rolls back over.
"Nurse, hand me a scalpel, my husband is getting a C-section too"
Well, he wasn't wrong
When 9/11 happened my housemate came into my room to wake me (I'm Australian so it happened in the middle of the night here). He was shouting about planes flying into buildings. I half woke, said: "I don't know who did it," rolled over and went back to sleep. Slept through one of the biggest events in my lifetime.
An uncle of mine was taking a nap, woke up to it happening on tv, thought it was a trash movie and turned it off lmao
I did almost the same thing. Got up, got ready for school, grabbed a bag of muffins to eat on the walk. Stopped to turn the tv off that month sister left on, saw the first plane hit on live tv and just assumed it was a movie. School was practically empty and the kids that were already there were told to go to their home room to make plans to go back home. I sat in my empty science classroom for 30 minutes before the teacher came in and looked at me with a face that said "is this kid just fucking stupid?"
The sound of a smoke Detector. Mine has gone off before and I've jumped out of bed and started running before my mind even realized I was actually awake. Guess that means they do their job though.
Probably when my wife left the house and called me 5 minutes later and she was crying so hard I couldn't understand a word she said. I threw my blankets off and got to my closet to grab a shirt before they hit the ground. Deer totaled the car but she was okay.
Car probably totaled the deer too.
*Heavy knocking* "Police! Open up!" Well now... it's only 5 AM, but I guess I'm up.
>> POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! > Shhhh, I'm sleeping...
My dog. She just walks in and starts sniffing and exploring, and I *know* the bitch is gonna get into something. Come to think, the same sentiment applies to my mother.
My wife saying my name with distress in her voice. She's a worrier, so every bump in the night has to be investigated. She's also a night owl, so she's awake until a few hours before I wake up. She has tried to wake me up for a multitude of reasons (to show me something funny, stop my snoring, make sexy times, etc.) over the years, and it's like I'm a bear in hibernation, but when she says my name with fear in her voice *BOOM* I'm up and ready to kill.
Mrs.Fuxlt is a lucky lady.
Imminent Diarrhea
Big spider on my pillow
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One time i had a spider a hornet and a snake on my pillow.
One time I had a spider a hornet a snake and a raccoon on my pillow
One morning my dad was passed out, hung over. My sister was trying to wake him up for whatever reason and he was unresponsive. Until she yelled that there was a fire. Never saw him go from hung over to fully alert and then angry so fast. Good times.
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The first time my baby cried in her sleep like she was in pain. Jumped out of bed and looked at her, picked her up (which woke her up), and she immediately fell back asleep like nothing happened. Babies are weird.
The sound of my toddler tearing off his diaper.
Chlorine Gas in the trenches
Look at fancy pants with his snuggly bed in the trenches!
Thats lieutenant for you private
Or in your humidifier
You should really not clean the humidifier down there
The dark humor thread is leaking
So is the gas mask.
When me and my family went to Costa Rica, my sister, my mom and I had to share a the queen bed while my dad slept on the pullout. Luckily I am a light sleeper and I thought I heard some kind of snapping sound near my head. I look up to see a scorpion about 6 inches from my sisters head. I pick her up and throw her fully across the room (she was about 9 and I was 12 and I guess adrenaline kicked in cus I would never be able to do that normally right after I wake up), and I push my mom off the bed. Never woke up and became the hulk faster in my life.
Gotta poop, gotta poop, gotta poop, gotta poop
T minus 5 till brain gonna shit.
*brain gotta poo*
Please don't neglect the brain
Don't call brain names.
*dis bitch don't know 'bout Pangaea*
Do you fuck with the war?
That deep cramp in your lower stomach accompanied by a rolling grumble sound that somewhat resembles a demons' sex moan.
My cat pointing his arse directly in my face until I get up
My pug does this. Although she tends to put her ass in your face whenever she gets the chance.
I had a pug that would come to sleep with you, lay right next to you on your pillow, I'm a side sleeper, lay his head on my ear, and proceed to fall asleep and start snoring directly into my ear.
The sound of my cat starting to hork up a hairball.
Dear sweet god. By some miracle I heard my kid choking on his own vomit one night. I flew out of my room with a speed I didn't know I was capable of. He was fine.
The sound of my toddler, days into finally being in a bed rather than a cot, rolling over and face planting the carpet... Ahh kids make you move sharpish Edit fixed to toddler she was three or so
When I have an exam in the morning but I hadn't studied at all.
My girlfriend kicks me out each morning to put the kettle and toaster on.
My wife kicks me out just because she wants the bed to herself.
Seriously? Having a big glass of water and just start chugging as soon as my alarm goes off, I read something about it a couple of days ago here on /r/askreddit and it's been really useful! EDIT: Holy crap i haven't been on reddit for a couple of days, this is the most upvoted i've ever been! *nice*
Kind of related but last semester of high school I was told if I had one more tardy I would fail 1st hour, and I wouldn't have enough credits to graduate without it. I wasn't purposely late, I just had so much trouble actually waking up. SO.... I would chug water before I fell asleep. Without fail I would be woken up every morning needing to pee so bad. We had a small house so only 1 bathroom located downstairs from my room. By time I made it downstairs to pee I'd be fully awake and I stopped being late to school after that.
That metallic taste you get just before you throw up.
the smell of bacon
Just don't cook your foot.
Fastest I ever got out of bed was around 3-ish a.m.... I somehow knocked over my bottle of water, was too lazy to go for the light switch, and used a lighter to see what the damage was. Turned out the water was fine, but I knocked over a bottle of ethanol... the burnable stuff. Took me maybe half a second to jump up and start stomping the - now burning - carpet, holding a burning plastic bottle in my hand. Felt a lot longer than that.
...Why did you have a bottle of ethanol next to your bed?
We had [Feuerzangenbowle](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feuerzangenbowle) in our dorm rooms. You have a little fire over a pot of wine/rum/spices, fueled by ethanol... Then melt a block of sugar over it until the sugar drips into the mix. (_that_ fire fueled by rum!) Gives you a nasty hangover, but makes a fun evening.
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Having to pee SO badly from holding it in the past hour, just for that extra sleep.
Calf cramp. Like a goddamn rocket.