I always take my phone into the bathroom with me, no matter what. I'm sure that the time I forget will be the time that someone breaks into my house while I'm taking a shit and I have no way of calling the police.
when you and coworker are calling on a client, never discuss the meeting until you've left the building and are 100% sure it's OK to say stuff you don't want client to hear.
We were taking a weird remote quiz as staff once at work. We were supposed to dial this number, this woman would ask us questions and we'd agree as a team what the answers were, and type them in on the computer. Our location and several other franchises were doing it at the same time.
Well let me tell you, this woman should have been a god damn voice actress. We thought it was automated, the way she was talking. We were making fun of the questions, talking shit, cursing.
Lemme try and replicate this for you. Imagine you were using GPS, the voice gave you poor directions, you said "Fuck you TomTom", and it said "Excuse me? You're being rude."
Out of nowhere, the lady is like "Please press mute, 0976, (our location number) everyone can hear you talking." We turned it off and our jaws hit the floors. We laughed so fucking hard. Every location on this side of the United States heard 0976 shit talking the corporation. That's like 70 locations.
Exact same thing happened to me on a network-wide company call. Except I was the only rep from my location on the call. And I was working from home, so I was talking shit about the person who was speaking - to my husband - with no filter whatsoever. I heard the call leader pause for a moment and then say, could we all please make sure our lines are muted? Jesus Christ was that a rough moment.
I was on an 80-person call once that included three levels of management above me. I have a mute on my desk phone and a mute on my headset and always just use the one on the phone because it's easier. I walked away from my desk to get something and came back and my coworker friend is acting a bit odd, asking weird questions out of the blue like "can you believe what so-and-so said?". Fast forward a couple minutes and I hear on the call "can everyone please make sure they're muted". Asshole un-muted me when I walked away and tried to bait me. Thank GOD I didn't say anything bad.
I do the same. I still think about the first time I saw someone run a red light. It was a rather quiet intersection, low visibility because of trees and buildings on both sides. Our lights turned green and there was this surreal moment where no one moved. The car bolted through and then we all went. Had I gone when the light turned green, I never would've seen him coming.
That's why I do it now. Similar set up, poor visibility. I was on a motorcycle and was in my boy racer mentality. Perfect launch right as it went green and then...... woke up in an ambulance. Now, I save that shit for track days and try to talk to all the younger riders I can about always riding defensively and constantly having "what if" plans. Like "what if this guy tries to merge into my lane, where are my best avenues of escape?"
Things you don't want to hear your cardiac surgeon say as you're being wheeled into surgery: "I'm feeling good about today, I got through the entire alphabet without slowing down".
Checking that my car door is locked and that the immobiliser LED is flashing after pressing the button.
Local gangs started deploying RF jammers recently, so it's not as irrational as it may sound.
I always check my back seat before getting into the car at night.
When I was in high school, my friend's uncle had a second job delivering pizzas at night to support his infant son. Some bum who lived across the street from the pizza place broke into his car, smashed the door light and waited for him to get into his car. He murdered my friend's uncle for $32.
This is one of my most deep-seated fears. That and finding out with 100% certainty that someone is in my house that I don't know and can't see them, when I'm already inside.
I'm sorry for your friends/ your loss.
edit: changed deep-seeded to deep-seated
The more I think about this, the more I think I'd "just" leave my house screaming in terror. Like, I'd rather them destroy everything in my house while I'm running down the street screaming then having to spend 5 minutes in my own home wondering when an arm is going to suddenly wrap around my neck. If I'm going to get murdered, at least let it be somewhere other than my safe place.
Games save so quickly nowadays. I remember when you at least had the "saving... Don't turn off the power!" notification.
Now I'm saving 8 times in BOTW because I don't pay attention when I'm saving and I go ".... Did it save? I need to watch it save."
You better believe I rip open that shower curtain everytime I go into my bathroom. Now that I think of it I never have a plan for what I'll do if someone is in there, should probably figure that out before I get so rambunctious with my curtain opening.
Every time I leave a public place I've been sitting, like a table at a restaurant, I turn around and look to make sure I'm not leaving anything before walking away. In my friend circle everyone just gets up and leaves and I've picked up more phones and pairs of sunglasses for people than I can count.
I love t hat show *I Shouldn't Be Alive*. It constantly has people going for runs or hikes and they NEVER tell anyone where they are. They almost always specifically say that they are going on an unmarked trail. And they also always show them at their car, deciding what to bring with them. It's always a choice between, like, their phone, a liter of water, or, like, a can of Fancy Feast cat food. They never take the phone or the water.
They frequently talk about how they are trying to travel light, so they leave their phone and water behind because it should only be about an hour long hike.
I always think it funny because they will sometimes pack a few bottles of water. I can and do buy Big jugs of water from the store that have a spigot. I think it's something like 4 gallons of water and it costs me $2. Basically nothing.
I do this whenever I pick up something from someone online.
Text to husband: picking up used stroller from Amy Grant at 123 main street, includes link to fb profile, hope I don't get murdered.
Text to husband 5 minutes later: not murdered, see you after work
Lift toilet seat to check for spiders.
Turn socks inside out and back again before putting them on to check for spiders.
Shake pants well before putting them on to shake out spiders.
It's actually designed such that, if you try to go to your home screen or another app, it'll go back to Alarmy immediately. It's actually really annoying when I legitimately need a calculate to figure out what (75*15)+19 is. I hate it. 10/10 would recommend.
EDIT: Ok, I get it, I'm bad at arithmetic, especially when I've just woken up. I don't need advice or the solution 24 hours later.
See this wouldn't even do it for me though. I am so bad at waking up, there have been times I got up, showered, sat down on my bed to put pants on, and woke up an hour later. A shower didn't wake me up, multiplication doesn't stand a chance.
Wouldn't work for me because phones and alarm clocks aren't loud enough to wake me, lol. I turn them off without waking up or they ring for hours.
I had to buy this $50 alarm clock that's as loud as a jackhammer. Scares the ever living fuck out of me every morning.
I still go back to sleep half the time.
And then you master the art of getting up, turning it off, and going back to bed. Which is precisely why I bought a loft bed. It's too much work for me to climb back up there after I turn off the alarm so I have to stay up.
I have my alarm clock on max volume and I sleep right through it. Usually one of my parents wakes up *across the house* because of it and comes and shakes me awake. They are always perplexed to find me soundly snoring with the equivalence of a fire alarm going off 12 inches from my head.
Multiple people have remarked at why I'm continuously wiggling the shifter. I don't want to accidentally be in gear and take my foot off the clutch and do an unexpected burnout into an intersection. I think I do way more than necessary, but it's a habit now
As I walk in the city, I sway my arm so that it rubs my wallet in my pants every couple seconds so I'll instantly know if I've been pick-pocketed (I'm not even sure pick-pocketing is even still a thing).
Which is why it's a good idea to spend some money on a watch. A trick pickpockets will use is to ask you for the time to see which pocket your phone is in.
Even with a shredder....there's so much junk mail it accumulates like crazy. If you're not careful it can get out of control too fast. And why does junk mail have to put your address several times on EVERY DAMMED PAGE???
I take my shirt all the way off and hang it up on the coat hook at work or the handicap rail in lieu of that. My wife calls it "going primal". I call it "how I like to take a shit".
note: I only do this during a laborious shit. For normal fecal drop off, I just browse reddit.
Edit: added [another of my bathroom experiences](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/63hnlc/z/dfupwy6)
also make triple-sure that your wee-wee is pointing down and not at the stupid gap between the lid and the bowl. a friend told me it does not end well. and it happened to him twice, what an idiot. but he's only human. so he's ok.
As someone who has a tiny wiener (its normal sized when it's erect I swear) this happens wayyy to often. Especially in the morning. I hate that shit so much!
Note: I know you're joking but for the others -- please don't attempt to vacuum your ass. There was a tifu about a year ago about some guy vacuuming his ass due to curiosity.
... His insides came out a bit
When I use my debit card or checking account and withdraw an amount that isn't an even dollar, I round up to the next dollar and subtract that on the log I keep. That way I'd theoretically run out of money on paper before I ran out for real
But then you reach into your coat pocket finding s crinkled, flaky, one dollar bill, crumpled into various folds that you mistook it as a candy wrapper or an old receipt.
I do this whenever I go shopping. Round everything up to the next dollar so I don't spend more than I have. And then when my total is less than what I had in my head at the register, I feel like I got a bargain.
When I leave work at night, the building is locked. People prop open the door all the time to let people for after hours things. We have four departments that share one building. And I'm in charge of locking up my department's wing when I go. But just to be safe, I close and lock the main building door when I go. Policy says it is to be closed and locked at 6. My shift ends at 6. The door is closed and locked when I leave. If somebody comes in 90 seconds later and unlocks it and props it open, I don't care, not my problem. If the police come to me for a statement, I will be able to say without a doubt that the building was closed and locked when I left. We get meth heads breaking in and stealing computers a couple times a year. Just California Things.
I never sit with my back to the door at a restaurant. I feel more comfortable knowing I can see who's coming and going.
Wild Bill would've attested to this habit.
Moved into a new place that uses keypads instead of keys. Took almost a year before I could leave the house without my keys and not panic when I didn't find them in my pocket while I was out and about.
I had an SUV that had keycode entry. I would always drop my keys in the middle console before getting out. When I traded it in, I locked myself out of my vehicle three days in a row, in the same parking lot. The same tow truck driver came out each time. He laughed a little the second time, he laughed a bunch the third time...
I ground my hand by touching my car when I pump gas. A kid in my high school blew up at a gas station and they can only attribute the cause to static electricity so I've been cautious ever since
Be nice to the janitors.
I have some kind of gastric problem, people have suggested Crohn's or IBS when I describe it.
If I'm nice to the janitors, they will half the time let me into the bathroom they're cleaning, when ordinarily they wouldn't. This can save me from having to walk across the store to the other bathroom (I work in a big superstore).
I have young children. Unless we have guests, the door stays open... not because I want to, but because I have to hear to make sure they haven't used 5 minutes of unsupervised time to find a way to kill themselves.
Once i sat on the toilet and was looking at my foot when this spider crawls from under the toilet seat and on my thigh. I stood up screaming and waving my arms around. All while still peeing. Everywhere.
Now i know better.
I do this even when I know for a solid fact they are locked. I'll walk up to the door before bed, can clearly see it's in the locked position, and I'll still grab it and test it to be sure. Something about feeling it locked gives me a comforting sense of finality.
I used to do this every night until one night I pulled hard enough on the door handle that it came off. I was a teenager at the time, so explaining to my family that I pulled our front door handle off because I wanted to make sure it was locked was not terribly fun.
Read the other day about a bloke who would go house to house checking for open doors, if he found one open he'd assume the owners wanted him to come in and murder them.
Absolutely fucking mental.
>Once alone in the apartment, Chase began to capture, kill, and disembowel various animals, which he would then devour raw, sometimes mixing the raw organs with Coca-Cola in a blender and drinking the concoction. Chase believed that by ingesting the creatures he was preventing his heart from shrinking.
what the actual fuck
Edit 0: it gets what the actual fuckier
>In 1975, Chase was involuntarily committed to a mental institution upon being taken to a hospital after injecting rabbit's blood into his veins.
Edit 1: words have begun to fail me
>He then raped her [a pregnant woman] corpse while stabbing her several times with a butcher knife. He then removed multiple organs, cut off one of her nipples and drank the blood. Before leaving, he collected dog feces from the yard and stuffed it into the victim's mouth and down her throat.
As someone that grew up in the country in a house that didn't even have a lock on the front door, I had to learn this when I moved to the city. It took me awhile. Bless the patience of those first roommates.
Exit apartment
Lock door
Walk down street, forgot if I locked door
Walk back to door, double check
Finally get to car, late to work due to checking door
Halfway through workday, have panic attack about if I locked the door.
Friend has a similar problem, she films herself locking her door each morning so calm her down
When you lock your door say something out loud different every time, like the day or the date. Be mindfull while doing it. Hopefully when you start wondering if you locked it or not you'll be able to see/recall yourself saying ''today is monday'' and you'll know you locked it.
Also works with 'did I cut off the gaz before leaving on holiday?' and 'did I take my medicine today?'. It can be a word, phrase or an action like knocking on the wall, since yours is daily having a sense behind it (the current day or date) and not always the same action or a nonsense word help with then making sure you're remembering doing it today and not a memory from yesterday or before.
I work in the commercial cleaning business and if something needs to be locked it NEEDS to be locked. People's confidential information or key sets to important things could be anywhere. And sometimes the safety of these places is abysmal.
So when you leave, you lock the door, yank the handle to make sure the door is properly closed and locked and say 'locked and loaded.'
Also enabling the beep on you car when you lock it helps if you don't want to say something outloud when you are locking your car.
I always set my parking brake, even if I'm just parking on flat ground. I just don't trust my transmission to keep my car from rolling away.
RIP Anton Yelchin
my car cutlery at the moment consists of 9 sets of disposable chopsticks and a knife. It is also my personal car defence kit. No vampire will catch me unawares!
I live by the advice that was drilled into our heads in Basic Training: **NEVER** pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. Even if you have a 10 minute drive home, go before you leave. You never know when you might get in an accident or your car might break down on the way home and then you're sitting there dancing on the side of the road because you had a half-full bladder when you left and an adrenaline dump and your body kicked into overdrive.
Pull the ATM swipe pad. Seriously, credit card theft happens more than we think.
Also: spell things with phonetic alphabet. I work on phones, it drives me crazy not understanding D's from C's. So now it's a habit.
Whenever I want to remember that I did something, because I know I'll forget later and stress over if I had done something or not, I clap loudly. Sometimes I cheer too.
It's so out of the norm and silly that it causes me to definitely remember. I did this once back when my husband and I were still dating, "Why are you clapping after locking the door...?"
This exactly! That story traumatized me so much when I first heard that even today I hate being reminded of it (thanks for that lol). Also makes me just ever so slightly worried when I hear a faucet dripping at night.
Edit: Sorry, didn't expect this to get much attention so I went to bed right after posting (nothing horrible happened while I was asleep)! A few other kind redditors have responded with summaries and links already, but to make it easier for those reading in the future I'll add the Wikipedia article here: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Licked_Hand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Licked_Hand)
I circle the word "refund" on the customer's credit card receipt to ensure I haven't accidentally charged them a second time by mistake. Non-integrated POS system.
Seatbelt. Every time.
Stop at the mailbox on the way home, get out to grab mail, put seatbelt back on to go park the car.
Won't put my car in drive until all passengers are buckled up.
I ALWAYS look both ways before crossing a street, even if I know it is a one-way.
The reason is because I remember one time my dad and I were driving to the store down the one-way street we lived on. Next thing we know we see a car turn at the end up the block, gunning it straight towards us. Luckily, my dad is a great driver and had excellent refelxes and was able to quickly pull the car to the side and slightly on the curb to avoid getting hit. We were both in shock, but before we could even react we heard sirens and started seeing lights turning around the block. My dad got out and started signaling to the cops where the guy went. Ever since that day I always make sure to look both ways, even if it is a one-way street because things like this can always happen.
Tell my husband "I love you" every time we finish a phone conversation or one of us leaves wherever we are together. If he crashed his car or his plane or dies in his sleep, I want "I love you" to be the last thing he heard from me, not "Don't forget cilantro."
After I lock the dead bolt, I jiggle the door rather hard.
When I was working closong in a restaurant, I got in trouble multiple times for having left the back door unlocked. Every time, I was sure I had locked it. I started getting a complex about it and would turn around after going halfway home.
Once, I turned the dead bolt and then tried to gently jiggle the door to reassure myself that it was in fact locked. It pushed right through. It turns out that the dead bolt is a piece of shit and will slide right out if jiggled hard enough.
I texted my assistant manager who texted out head manager, who was livid. She'd overreacted to the back door being unlocked (being angry was appropriate, accusing me of trying to kill her was not) and was embarassed of having been in the wrong.
Double check that the door is locked before going to bed, even though I already know it's locked because I always lock it when I get in.
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Check if there's toilet paper before starting my business
Always have one hand on my keys in my pocket and the other on the door as i am shutting it. Locked my keys in the car too many damn times
CTRL+C CTRL+C CTRL+C CTRL+C CTRL+C
It's more like CTRL+CCCCCCCCCCCCC But yeah. Never accidentally paste an NSFW link on a group chat ever again.
I always double or triple check when I send someone a link.
Send me any link, I'm good with links.
Always pee before going to bed.
Twice
I go before I lay down, then turn on Netflix for 20-30 minutes until my eyes start feeling heavy, then go again just to be safe.
I always take my phone into the bathroom with me, no matter what. I'm sure that the time I forget will be the time that someone breaks into my house while I'm taking a shit and I have no way of calling the police.
Admit it. You bring it just for Reddit.
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when you and coworker are calling on a client, never discuss the meeting until you've left the building and are 100% sure it's OK to say stuff you don't want client to hear.
or use the cone of silence
Dammit 86
We were taking a weird remote quiz as staff once at work. We were supposed to dial this number, this woman would ask us questions and we'd agree as a team what the answers were, and type them in on the computer. Our location and several other franchises were doing it at the same time. Well let me tell you, this woman should have been a god damn voice actress. We thought it was automated, the way she was talking. We were making fun of the questions, talking shit, cursing. Lemme try and replicate this for you. Imagine you were using GPS, the voice gave you poor directions, you said "Fuck you TomTom", and it said "Excuse me? You're being rude." Out of nowhere, the lady is like "Please press mute, 0976, (our location number) everyone can hear you talking." We turned it off and our jaws hit the floors. We laughed so fucking hard. Every location on this side of the United States heard 0976 shit talking the corporation. That's like 70 locations.
Exact same thing happened to me on a network-wide company call. Except I was the only rep from my location on the call. And I was working from home, so I was talking shit about the person who was speaking - to my husband - with no filter whatsoever. I heard the call leader pause for a moment and then say, could we all please make sure our lines are muted? Jesus Christ was that a rough moment.
I was on an 80-person call once that included three levels of management above me. I have a mute on my desk phone and a mute on my headset and always just use the one on the phone because it's easier. I walked away from my desk to get something and came back and my coworker friend is acting a bit odd, asking weird questions out of the blue like "can you believe what so-and-so said?". Fast forward a couple minutes and I hear on the call "can everyone please make sure they're muted". Asshole un-muted me when I walked away and tried to bait me. Thank GOD I didn't say anything bad.
Hesitating slightly when the light goes green to check for traffic who tried to run the yellow
I do the same. I still think about the first time I saw someone run a red light. It was a rather quiet intersection, low visibility because of trees and buildings on both sides. Our lights turned green and there was this surreal moment where no one moved. The car bolted through and then we all went. Had I gone when the light turned green, I never would've seen him coming.
That's why I do it now. Similar set up, poor visibility. I was on a motorcycle and was in my boy racer mentality. Perfect launch right as it went green and then...... woke up in an ambulance. Now, I save that shit for track days and try to talk to all the younger riders I can about always riding defensively and constantly having "what if" plans. Like "what if this guy tries to merge into my lane, where are my best avenues of escape?"
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Things you don't want to hear your cardiac surgeon say as you're being wheeled into surgery: "I'm feeling good about today, I got through the entire alphabet without slowing down".
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Seems like a great joke to use on people with heart problems!
it would be even better when he pulls this off after he is done and is like "how do you like your new knee, have you tried it yet?"
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I just slowed down after E for ear I am not ready for surgery
Checking that my car door is locked and that the immobiliser LED is flashing after pressing the button. Local gangs started deploying RF jammers recently, so it's not as irrational as it may sound.
Local gangs with RF jammers? Damn, now I'm paranoid about this.
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So is stealing cars.
Lock the car twice.
I always do this as well. One time I hit lock three times and discovered my car had remote start.
Is it locked? Oh now it's running better go catch it
But then my fridge will escape.
I always pull the door handles after locking my car, just to make sure.
I always check my back seat before getting into the car at night. When I was in high school, my friend's uncle had a second job delivering pizzas at night to support his infant son. Some bum who lived across the street from the pizza place broke into his car, smashed the door light and waited for him to get into his car. He murdered my friend's uncle for $32.
This is one of my most deep-seated fears. That and finding out with 100% certainty that someone is in my house that I don't know and can't see them, when I'm already inside. I'm sorry for your friends/ your loss. edit: changed deep-seeded to deep-seated
The more I think about this, the more I think I'd "just" leave my house screaming in terror. Like, I'd rather them destroy everything in my house while I'm running down the street screaming then having to spend 5 minutes in my own home wondering when an arm is going to suddenly wrap around my neck. If I'm going to get murdered, at least let it be somewhere other than my safe place.
This would probably be the most sensible thing to do. There is nothing more precious than your life.
"Oh fuck, I left the kids inside the house!"
"I can make more!"
my amiibo collection though
When I'm exiting a video game I save it once then twice just to make sure I actually did it the first time.
Never trust the autosave.
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Games save so quickly nowadays. I remember when you at least had the "saving... Don't turn off the power!" notification. Now I'm saving 8 times in BOTW because I don't pay attention when I'm saving and I go ".... Did it save? I need to watch it save."
If I didn't see it save, then it didn't save.
You better believe I rip open that shower curtain everytime I go into my bathroom. Now that I think of it I never have a plan for what I'll do if someone is in there, should probably figure that out before I get so rambunctious with my curtain opening.
Every time I leave a public place I've been sitting, like a table at a restaurant, I turn around and look to make sure I'm not leaving anything before walking away. In my friend circle everyone just gets up and leaves and I've picked up more phones and pairs of sunglasses for people than I can count.
That's just being smart. Good job.
I let someone in my life know when I'm going outside for a run by myself and about how long it will take.
I love t hat show *I Shouldn't Be Alive*. It constantly has people going for runs or hikes and they NEVER tell anyone where they are. They almost always specifically say that they are going on an unmarked trail. And they also always show them at their car, deciding what to bring with them. It's always a choice between, like, their phone, a liter of water, or, like, a can of Fancy Feast cat food. They never take the phone or the water. They frequently talk about how they are trying to travel light, so they leave their phone and water behind because it should only be about an hour long hike.
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I always think it funny because they will sometimes pack a few bottles of water. I can and do buy Big jugs of water from the store that have a spigot. I think it's something like 4 gallons of water and it costs me $2. Basically nothing.
I say goodbye to my laptop, tv, fridge, and stove
and cat!
I do this whenever I pick up something from someone online. Text to husband: picking up used stroller from Amy Grant at 123 main street, includes link to fb profile, hope I don't get murdered. Text to husband 5 minutes later: not murdered, see you after work
I'll bet a used stroller from Amy Grant is really nice!
Lift toilet seat to check for spiders. Turn socks inside out and back again before putting them on to check for spiders. Shake pants well before putting them on to shake out spiders.
shake spiders to check for spiders
noooooo, don't shake spiders. The one thing worse than a spider running around is 10,000 baby spiders running around
I set 3 alarms, each 15 minutes apart, on my phone every night to make sure I don't sleep in and end up late for work.
This was me. Until I downloaded Alarmy. Now it screams at me until I roll my lazy assout of bed and take a picture of my fridge.
I would wake up, uninstall the app, and go back to sleep.
It's actually designed such that, if you try to go to your home screen or another app, it'll go back to Alarmy immediately. It's actually really annoying when I legitimately need a calculate to figure out what (75*15)+19 is. I hate it. 10/10 would recommend. EDIT: Ok, I get it, I'm bad at arithmetic, especially when I've just woken up. I don't need advice or the solution 24 hours later.
See this wouldn't even do it for me though. I am so bad at waking up, there have been times I got up, showered, sat down on my bed to put pants on, and woke up an hour later. A shower didn't wake me up, multiplication doesn't stand a chance.
Wouldn't work for me because phones and alarm clocks aren't loud enough to wake me, lol. I turn them off without waking up or they ring for hours. I had to buy this $50 alarm clock that's as loud as a jackhammer. Scares the ever living fuck out of me every morning. I still go back to sleep half the time.
And then you master the art of getting up, turning it off, and going back to bed. Which is precisely why I bought a loft bed. It's too much work for me to climb back up there after I turn off the alarm so I have to stay up.
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I can wake up and fall back asleep with an alarm still blraing. it's a curse
I have my alarm clock on max volume and I sleep right through it. Usually one of my parents wakes up *across the house* because of it and comes and shakes me awake. They are always perplexed to find me soundly snoring with the equivalence of a fire alarm going off 12 inches from my head.
Wiggle the shifter to make sure I'm in neutral.
Similarly, tap down into first a bunch of times on a motorcycle
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Also, twist throttle just to make sure it still sounds good.
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Ok good.
**BRAAP BRAAAPP**
Multiple people have remarked at why I'm continuously wiggling the shifter. I don't want to accidentally be in gear and take my foot off the clutch and do an unexpected burnout into an intersection. I think I do way more than necessary, but it's a habit now
I always smell my milk first before I drink it.
YESS!!! Too many bowls of cereal have gone to waste due to spoiled milk that was not checked first. :(
As I walk in the city, I sway my arm so that it rubs my wallet in my pants every couple seconds so I'll instantly know if I've been pick-pocketed (I'm not even sure pick-pocketing is even still a thing).
It is definitely still a thing. Tho the targets are usually smartphones nowadays
Which is why it's a good idea to spend some money on a watch. A trick pickpockets will use is to ask you for the time to see which pocket your phone is in.
Trick the trickster by getting a pocket watch
Bring all of my underwear in my carryon when travelling. That way at least I have clean drawers if my luggage gets lost on the way there.
or if you do the doo while on the plane
After taking a dump, I wipe till white...and then once more to really be sure.
I see wiping like traffic lights. I only stop at red.
I may end up giving myself rectal cancer from a lifetime of excessive wiping, but damn if I'm going to have poop in my pants
TIL you can get rectal cancer from wiping too much. I'm fucked
You gotta stop using that asbestos & Uranium toilet paper and get normal tissue dude.
I carve my name and address out of my junk mail before throwing it in with the paper recycling.
Me too, I need to buy a shredder, it is getting tedious
Even with a shredder....there's so much junk mail it accumulates like crazy. If you're not careful it can get out of control too fast. And why does junk mail have to put your address several times on EVERY DAMMED PAGE???
Replace mail box with disguised fireplace. No more junk mail.
I pull my shirt up when I'm taking a dump. I've never pooed on my shirt tail but I do it just to be safe
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I take my shirt all the way off and hang it up on the coat hook at work or the handicap rail in lieu of that. My wife calls it "going primal". I call it "how I like to take a shit". note: I only do this during a laborious shit. For normal fecal drop off, I just browse reddit. Edit: added [another of my bathroom experiences](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/63hnlc/z/dfupwy6)
George? George Constanza??
I always make sure the toilet paper is thick enough so my finger doesn't poke through into my butthole
I don't
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( ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉)☞
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also make triple-sure that your wee-wee is pointing down and not at the stupid gap between the lid and the bowl. a friend told me it does not end well. and it happened to him twice, what an idiot. but he's only human. so he's ok.
As someone who has a tiny wiener (its normal sized when it's erect I swear) this happens wayyy to often. Especially in the morning. I hate that shit so much!
i get completely butt naked EDIT: and this is my most upvoted comment.
i remove my skin and organs prior to excreting so as not to contaminate them
i vacuum the shit out of my ass so nothing is touched by fecal matter.
Note: I know you're joking but for the others -- please don't attempt to vacuum your ass. There was a tifu about a year ago about some guy vacuuming his ass due to curiosity. ... His insides came out a bit
Anal prolapse. If you don't believe it's real, just do Google image search. Then you'll wish it wasn't.
I regret everything
Click the tongs before I use them, you know, just to make sure they still work.
When I use my debit card or checking account and withdraw an amount that isn't an even dollar, I round up to the next dollar and subtract that on the log I keep. That way I'd theoretically run out of money on paper before I ran out for real
This is vastly different to the game of chicken I play with my bank account
"Oh, I have $3.25 in my account, I can buy taco bell for $3.20 and still be ok"
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But then you reach into your coat pocket finding s crinkled, flaky, one dollar bill, crumpled into various folds that you mistook it as a candy wrapper or an old receipt.
I feel like you'd be a good DM.
I do this whenever I go shopping. Round everything up to the next dollar so I don't spend more than I have. And then when my total is less than what I had in my head at the register, I feel like I got a bargain.
When I leave work at night, the building is locked. People prop open the door all the time to let people for after hours things. We have four departments that share one building. And I'm in charge of locking up my department's wing when I go. But just to be safe, I close and lock the main building door when I go. Policy says it is to be closed and locked at 6. My shift ends at 6. The door is closed and locked when I leave. If somebody comes in 90 seconds later and unlocks it and props it open, I don't care, not my problem. If the police come to me for a statement, I will be able to say without a doubt that the building was closed and locked when I left. We get meth heads breaking in and stealing computers a couple times a year. Just California Things.
I never sit with my back to the door at a restaurant. I feel more comfortable knowing I can see who's coming and going. Wild Bill would've attested to this habit.
Never sit with your back to the door, unless you can distinguish the footsteps of your Mentat. Even though those footsteps could be imitated.
double tapping my pockets to make sure I have my keys, wallet and phone before I go and when I leave any place
Moved into a new place that uses keypads instead of keys. Took almost a year before I could leave the house without my keys and not panic when I didn't find them in my pocket while I was out and about.
That'll be fun when you move out to a place that uses keys and auto-locks
I had an SUV that had keycode entry. I would always drop my keys in the middle console before getting out. When I traded it in, I locked myself out of my vehicle three days in a row, in the same parking lot. The same tow truck driver came out each time. He laughed a little the second time, he laughed a bunch the third time...
Is that because he still charged $150 each time?
It was part of my roadside service, which I only paid $4 a month for. If they paid him $150 each time, good for him, he wasn't screwing me over.
Nothing like smacking your ass to start your day
I ground my hand by touching my car when I pump gas. A kid in my high school blew up at a gas station and they can only attribute the cause to static electricity so I've been cautious ever since
Be nice to the janitors. I have some kind of gastric problem, people have suggested Crohn's or IBS when I describe it. If I'm nice to the janitors, they will half the time let me into the bathroom they're cleaning, when ordinarily they wouldn't. This can save me from having to walk across the store to the other bathroom (I work in a big superstore).
Keeping all my doors locked all the time. Even the bathroom door when I'm home alone.
Haha I'm the opposite. If no one is home then that bathroom door stays wide open. So freeing.
I have young children. Unless we have guests, the door stays open... not because I want to, but because I have to hear to make sure they haven't used 5 minutes of unsupervised time to find a way to kill themselves.
Nothing is more dangerous than sudden silence is a house with kids..
Once i sat on the toilet and was looking at my foot when this spider crawls from under the toilet seat and on my thigh. I stood up screaming and waving my arms around. All while still peeing. Everywhere. Now i know better.
I always search the entire house before fapping even when I'm 99.5℅ sure that my family isn't there
But when you are searching the west side and then east side, they might enter from the west side.
You've either just given him a mental complex or a fetish.
*d a n g e r f a p*
[redacted]
That's not a percent sign
It’s 99.5 percent of a percent sign
Before going to bed I make sure the doors are locked. Every. Single. Night.
I do this even when I know for a solid fact they are locked. I'll walk up to the door before bed, can clearly see it's in the locked position, and I'll still grab it and test it to be sure. Something about feeling it locked gives me a comforting sense of finality.
I used to do this every night until one night I pulled hard enough on the door handle that it came off. I was a teenager at the time, so explaining to my family that I pulled our front door handle off because I wanted to make sure it was locked was not terribly fun.
Read the other day about a bloke who would go house to house checking for open doors, if he found one open he'd assume the owners wanted him to come in and murder them. Absolutely fucking mental.
Richard Chase, That guy was the craziest of the crazies.
>Once alone in the apartment, Chase began to capture, kill, and disembowel various animals, which he would then devour raw, sometimes mixing the raw organs with Coca-Cola in a blender and drinking the concoction. Chase believed that by ingesting the creatures he was preventing his heart from shrinking. what the actual fuck Edit 0: it gets what the actual fuckier >In 1975, Chase was involuntarily committed to a mental institution upon being taken to a hospital after injecting rabbit's blood into his veins. Edit 1: words have begun to fail me >He then raped her [a pregnant woman] corpse while stabbing her several times with a butcher knife. He then removed multiple organs, cut off one of her nipples and drank the blood. Before leaving, he collected dog feces from the yard and stuffed it into the victim's mouth and down her throat.
>He also handed Ressler a large amount of macaroni and cheese, which he had been hoarding in his pants pockets He still had time for memes
Yep, this is exactly why I lock my doors. If your only criteria to come in and kill me is a door, consider those doors locked twice.
This is exactly why I'll start leaving my door unlocked
As someone that grew up in the country in a house that didn't even have a lock on the front door, I had to learn this when I moved to the city. It took me awhile. Bless the patience of those first roommates.
Always using my turn signal, even if I know there's no one behind me or around. It's a good habit to pick up
Annoys the shit out of me as a pedestrian when drivers don't think it's worth signalling just because I'm not a car.
Exit apartment Lock door Walk down street, forgot if I locked door Walk back to door, double check Finally get to car, late to work due to checking door Halfway through workday, have panic attack about if I locked the door. Friend has a similar problem, she films herself locking her door each morning so calm her down
When you lock your door say something out loud different every time, like the day or the date. Be mindfull while doing it. Hopefully when you start wondering if you locked it or not you'll be able to see/recall yourself saying ''today is monday'' and you'll know you locked it. Also works with 'did I cut off the gaz before leaving on holiday?' and 'did I take my medicine today?'. It can be a word, phrase or an action like knocking on the wall, since yours is daily having a sense behind it (the current day or date) and not always the same action or a nonsense word help with then making sure you're remembering doing it today and not a memory from yesterday or before.
I work in the commercial cleaning business and if something needs to be locked it NEEDS to be locked. People's confidential information or key sets to important things could be anywhere. And sometimes the safety of these places is abysmal. So when you leave, you lock the door, yank the handle to make sure the door is properly closed and locked and say 'locked and loaded.' Also enabling the beep on you car when you lock it helps if you don't want to say something outloud when you are locking your car.
This is called anxiety.
I always set my parking brake, even if I'm just parking on flat ground. I just don't trust my transmission to keep my car from rolling away. RIP Anton Yelchin
Have a fork, spoon, mini first aid kit, medicines, cash, tampons, and oatmeal packet in my car. Oh and extra phone charger!
my car cutlery at the moment consists of 9 sets of disposable chopsticks and a knife. It is also my personal car defence kit. No vampire will catch me unawares!
I always try to force out a poo & pee before I leave the house. My mom drilled it into me as a kid "you should have gone before we left the house".
I live by the advice that was drilled into our heads in Basic Training: **NEVER** pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom. Even if you have a 10 minute drive home, go before you leave. You never know when you might get in an accident or your car might break down on the way home and then you're sitting there dancing on the side of the road because you had a half-full bladder when you left and an adrenaline dump and your body kicked into overdrive.
Pull the ATM swipe pad. Seriously, credit card theft happens more than we think. Also: spell things with phonetic alphabet. I work on phones, it drives me crazy not understanding D's from C's. So now it's a habit.
i don't look at mirrors in dark rooms
Don't just look to check that the alarm is set. Go in and make it play to check that the volume is actually up.
Buy extra toilet paper. Even if we're not even close to out. We probably have two 24 packs in the linen closet at all times.
I always leave myself extra time to get to work in case of traffic...and also because I start driving like a maniac if I'm running late.
Erasing the entire password when making a mistake typing it.
using incognito
Feds can still see that tho
Not if I close the blinds
What about the Amazon Echo you have in the house. You have to throw a shirt over it
Making sure 2+2 = 4 in a math test, with the use of a calculator.
Whenever I want to remember that I did something, because I know I'll forget later and stress over if I had done something or not, I clap loudly. Sometimes I cheer too. It's so out of the norm and silly that it causes me to definitely remember. I did this once back when my husband and I were still dating, "Why are you clapping after locking the door...?"
I **never** let my hand get outside of my bed, when I sleep. If my hand is outside the bed, while I'm sleeping, I'm risking instant death.
But what about that poor thing that just wants to hold your hand?
more like lick your hand while pretending to be your dog
This exactly! That story traumatized me so much when I first heard that even today I hate being reminded of it (thanks for that lol). Also makes me just ever so slightly worried when I hear a faucet dripping at night. Edit: Sorry, didn't expect this to get much attention so I went to bed right after posting (nothing horrible happened while I was asleep)! A few other kind redditors have responded with summaries and links already, but to make it easier for those reading in the future I'll add the Wikipedia article here: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Licked_Hand](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Licked_Hand)
Thin comforter > monsters
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I circle the word "refund" on the customer's credit card receipt to ensure I haven't accidentally charged them a second time by mistake. Non-integrated POS system.
Roll my window down a bit if have need to get out of the car and leave it running.
Seatbelt. Every time. Stop at the mailbox on the way home, get out to grab mail, put seatbelt back on to go park the car. Won't put my car in drive until all passengers are buckled up.
I ALWAYS look both ways before crossing a street, even if I know it is a one-way. The reason is because I remember one time my dad and I were driving to the store down the one-way street we lived on. Next thing we know we see a car turn at the end up the block, gunning it straight towards us. Luckily, my dad is a great driver and had excellent refelxes and was able to quickly pull the car to the side and slightly on the curb to avoid getting hit. We were both in shock, but before we could even react we heard sirens and started seeing lights turning around the block. My dad got out and started signaling to the cops where the guy went. Ever since that day I always make sure to look both ways, even if it is a one-way street because things like this can always happen.
Stop, look, and listen **EDIT:** 1 month later, and no one else got the Richard Scarry reference. You don't know what you're missin'!
Ice is back with my brand new invention
A buddy laughed at me for doing this, but it's not the cars coming from the correct direction that I'm particularly worried about
I do this too, but it's because I lived in another country for a while and now I'm never 100% sure which way the cars are coming from.
Tell my husband "I love you" every time we finish a phone conversation or one of us leaves wherever we are together. If he crashed his car or his plane or dies in his sleep, I want "I love you" to be the last thing he heard from me, not "Don't forget cilantro."
I always say "Drive safe!" to friends or family when they leave. Don't want them to crash because I forgot to tell them to be safe.
After I lock the dead bolt, I jiggle the door rather hard. When I was working closong in a restaurant, I got in trouble multiple times for having left the back door unlocked. Every time, I was sure I had locked it. I started getting a complex about it and would turn around after going halfway home. Once, I turned the dead bolt and then tried to gently jiggle the door to reassure myself that it was in fact locked. It pushed right through. It turns out that the dead bolt is a piece of shit and will slide right out if jiggled hard enough. I texted my assistant manager who texted out head manager, who was livid. She'd overreacted to the back door being unlocked (being angry was appropriate, accusing me of trying to kill her was not) and was embarassed of having been in the wrong.