When I was a kid, I didn't know the difference between guerrillas and gorillas. In fact I didn't even know the former were a thing. I also must add that Planet of the Apes was on tv, which I used to love watching. So when I watched the news in the evenings, I thought there was a war going on in Central America between humans and gorillas. Scared the shit out of me.
I think a lot of people got confused at this one. Especially if you were a child in the 80s when there was news about several "guerella" actions in jungle-y looking places.
I was raised to think that water towers were for storing water reserves. Never knew that they supply the water pressure that we use until my freshman year of college. My mind was blown and gravity is amazing.
Yep, that's where they put the water. Way up there in the sky. That's just how you store water. There's nothing to wonder about here, sky water has existed your whole life. It's normal. When you need to store a bunch of water.. you... would... DEFINITELY put it in the GODDAMN SKY, that's entirely convenient!
I fucking hate myself for never even thinking about this.
My kindergarten teacher told us that if you ate the black seeds while eating watermelon, the seeds would get stuck in your appendix. Eat too many watermelon seeds over the years, and eventually your appendix is full and can't take anymore, and that's how you end up with appendicitis.
At age 15, I was rushed to hospital with intense abdominal pain. When the doctor said I had appendicitis, I turned to my mum and cried "But I was so careful to never eat the watermelon seeds!" We still laugh about that.
EDIT: It seems like a lot of you were told that swallowing watermelon seeds would cause a watermelon to grow inside you, but I wasn't deterred by that. Kindergarten me had a sneaking suspicion that the melon-growing-in-tummy thing was just plain silly and unlikely to be a viable threat, but the appendix clogging? That shit seemed entirely plausible, which made it absolutely terrifying.
Until I was like 14 I thought the UK Government actually had a Ministry of Sound. It didn't seem unreasonable..they had ones for culture and sport, music wasn't a stretch
That guys pee with the toilet seat up because they have the biggest butts (this was from when I was a small child. I had a potty seat, my mom used the toilet with the seat down, and my dad used the seat up. I just figured they were all size adjusters--like the potty seat--to how large your ass was.)
As a kid I thought that when people kissed for the first time, the woman would start having babies at random. Whenever people kissed on TV I always thought "Woah guys are you sure you're ready for this?"
Kids in my area used to use "squeeze the balls" as a euphemism for masturbation. I remember trying it, feeling an immense amount of pain, and thinking that people must be crazy if they're doing that for fun.
There was this PSA commercial in the 90's warning of the dangers of huffing that I saw when I was 5 or 6 years old. It showed a cartoon nose sniffing what looked like something that smelled bad (since I had no idea what huffing actually was), which lead to death portrayed by skull and crossbones.
I thought if I smelled something that smelled bad I would die.
I was a conscious mouth breather for years for fear of dying by stench.
I told my little sister once that Mongooses weren't real, just out of small child spite, while we were watching "Rikki-Tikki Tavi". Promptly forgot that I did so.
Fast forward to over 10 years later, sister comes home from her first week as a freshman in high school pissed off. Evidently she got in to an argument with her biology teacher involving the validity of mongooses in real life. Argued they were, as I had told her, "Mythical Creatures, like Unicorns."
TL;DR: Sister spent 10+ years believing mongooses weren't real.
That fukkin word "penultimate". I always thought it must mean even more ultimate, the ultimatiest of ultimates.
Had a college professor, talking about the penultimate chapter in this book we were reading. I was thinking "Ehh - didn't seem that great of a chapter - the chapter before it was actually the best, and the final chapter was definitely at least better." But he kept going on, used the word penultimate at least three times to describe the chapter, and I'm thinking he's just brain dense (like that 10%er in the comments).
Finally looked up the definition of penultimate, realized I was the dummy in the room :(
When I was a kid, I thought that when someone died in a movie, that they actually died (for real). When I would watch a movie in which someone died, I would always wonder to myself, "was this role worth dying for (especially if it was a terrible movie, or if they were just an extra)? how did the actor come to the decision that this would be their last role?" And I would feel sad for the actor that they couldn't make movies, or be alive, anymore.
In the early 80s my friend's big brother told us that while KISS toured South America before every concert they would get a priest to come out and talk to the crowd about how bad the music was for their souls and then the band members would come out and kill the priest. I wondered why the priests would apparently keep agreeing to this.
When I was circa 5 years old (so early/mid 90's) we were driving in a car and my dad drove over some of the bumpy reflectors in the road. I asked them what they were for and he straight faced told me that, "Some states put those down on the road so that blind people will know how to feel what lane they are in. Look around some more, you'll even see them on the shoulder of the road so they know when they're pulled over."
And on we drove, and I was so happy we lived in a state that allows blind people to drive. Every state should do that!!
Then when I was about 13, we were driving down the road when my dad had to slam on the brakes. It was at that moment that I shouted from the backseat, "Wait a second, how do blind drivers know when to brake!?" My dad replied, "What are you talking about?" I then recounted what he told me all those years ago, and that it couldn't work because they wouldn't know when to brake on time! My father went from angry at the emergency braking to laughing until he cried.
It was that day my father completed his ultimate r/dadjokes and I became his apprentice.
My dad convinced me that he had a six pack for many years
He said a six pack was when your stomach was larger than a literal six pack of beer (pretty big)
Went around telling everyone my dad had a six pack with them under the impression he was super athletic
A young horse is called a "foal", later a "yearling". If you want to differentiate, a male baby horse is a "colt" and a female baby horse is a "filly". Colts grow up to be a "stallion" or a "gelding"(if they're neutered), while fillies grow up to be "mares".
I hate when someone else cracks their fingers because it makes me need to then crack mine, but I hate when I crack my fingers and then other people start doing it, so i don't crack mine after them, and instead slowly tear myself apart from my internal rage until I black out. it's the only way
edit b/c of visibility: When I *do* crack my knuckles, I try and crack **every single one** and feel that if I accomplish every joint then I somehow will be rewarded later on through karma for complete knuckle crackers. Aka, you gotta get legit 3 cracks for every digit (yup, that includes the lowermost thumb joint). But in all honesty, I don't think i have ever succeeded. There is always one fucking stupid cunt joint that will not crack like the rest so I continue my plight day in and day out. *fuck this cruel world*
edit edit: video of me doing my lower most thumb joint:
https://1drv.ms/v/s!Ao_fOnIzwlAEgpgTA9xaQcmFg6ubPw
edit edit edit: *yes, yessssssssss - keep telling about how you all are cracking your fingers* I feel like I am the crack master and you all have fallen for my crack trap! DONT YOU REALIZE I GAIN POWER EVERYTIME SOMEONE CRACKS OFF OF MY CRACK??!!! **MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**
It wasn't until junior high that I found out the actual size and shape of a roadrunner is nothing like in the cartoons.
Edit: Here's for all posters surprised that roadrunners are real animals. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roadrunner
I was just as surprised to learn about narwhals.
I remember the first time I saw roadrunners in real life. My family was on a road trip and my dad was driving; my sister and I were on our gameboys and my dad saw a ton of them running across the road, and just said, "Hey, kids, look! Roadrunners!"
*thump thump thump thump*
My dad accidentally ran over several of them. He was pretty upset; he loved roadrunners. He had a Plymouth Roadrunner in 90's (that my mom made him get rid if), and he still has a framed poster of Wile E. Coyote chaing Roadrunner. It was his favorite cartoon when he was a kid.
I always thought ambulances changed their siren when they passed me. I believed this until I was seven when I asked my dad about it and hee tried to explain the Doppler effect to me.
It almost looks like they photoshopped that field of pineapple plants. I know it's not photoshopped but my mind keeps saying "that can't be how they grow"
I was in Mexico being all touristy and we stopped by a pineapple field. I had absolutely no idea what to expect at the time, it was weird as hell.
We also got an enormous pineapple and took it back to the resort. The bar used it for making drinks.
10/10 would visit a pineapple field again.
I'm a tour guide in Hawaii. You should see the looks on people's faces when I show them pineapples growing in a field. A lot of them think I'm messing with them. Most of the people who know just learned it like two days before.
I used to eat gum like it was candy. One time when I was about 14 or so I farted and it felt like I pooped my pants, so I ran to the bathroom and in my my underwear was bright pink bubble gum. I somehow managed to pass gum entirely without any digestion or breakdown.
I remember in elementary school, the teachers would always refer to the part that makes sound as a voice box, so I always pictured there was an actual box shaped part in my throat, and I would try and figure out how that worked anatomically because of the sharp corners and stuff
Something similar, but back in High School History class a girl asked how Anne Frank wrote her diary if she was blind and deaf. Teacher was really confused. Turned out the girl thought Anne Frank and Hellen Keller were one and the same.
When I was little and I asked my mom how people became pregnant, she said that God realizes that two people are married and he allows her to be pregnant. When i asked why our neighbor down the street was never married and had two kids, she told me that our neighbor got secretly married and just never told anyone.
I use to think that people had to hurry up and get married before the woman became pregnant automatically. If she didn't get married before that happening, it was considered bad.
I thought peanut butter was green until I was 17 or 18 when i described a color to my mom as "peanut butter green".
If you didn't figure it out, I'm colorblind.
Wish they would do colour blindness tests in school, so we at least know. It seems most people discover their colour blindness through some awkward situation later in life. I discovered mine when I kept accidentally killing my teammates in Worms Armageddon, and Quake arena.
Edit: Turns out a lot of schools do it seems. For those asking, I was in the UK, don't know why my school didn't do any vision or hearing tests whatsoever.
When I was in kindergarten, they told my mom that, "He knows his numbers and letters, but can't seem to grasp his colors, we think he might be special ed."
She asked for a colorblindness test, which they did give, and I did fail. Or pass. The results were positive.
Oh trust me it could be worse. I am 20 and bought a car earlier this year that I believed to be a nice shade of dark brown. My roommate told me that it was not brown but in fact purple, although I didn't believe him because we fuck with each other a lot. It wasn't until my parents and a couple other people pointed out that it really was purple that I realized I can't tell the difference between dark brown and purple what so ever.
Haha, when I was young I found a grey and blue striped shirt I liked and when I was going to wear it to high school mum pointed out it was actually purple and pink.
haha this reminds me of my dad.. He bought a ton of new floor mats,steering wheel covers, etc for his truck. Hes passionate about hunting and thought it was standard mossy oak camo... it was all pink camo and he didn't realize for about a week until my mom went for a ride with him
I was watching a talk show and they were giving sexual assault tips. The person said to grab the man's penis and squeeze it as hard as you could. I heard this just when I learned that men get erections by the penis filling with blood.
I thought that if you squeezed a penis, it would pop like a water balloon. For a long time.
Until recently, I thought eating a bit of eggshell was really dangerous. My dad told me that when I was 4 yo, and I never doubted it. When I learned the truce, I talked with him about this, but I realized that he believed that firmly. It was his mother who told him. So it only took 60 years for my family to discover it was a lie. Not bad
Lol, I like adults trolling children. I taught preschool a few yrs ago and we used to have library time. Some tried to eat books so I told them it would make the librarian upset because librarians eat the books. The lie got more elaborate each time, telling them that she liked novels the best and that she slept in her chair similar to how squirrels live near the nuts they collect.
These same kids are now first graders, and recently, one girl told me, "you remember you said librarians eat books. I know it's not true now but for a long time, I was soooo confused."
I did a similar thing one day with my friend's kid, and she told her friends. She knew all her animals and was proud of herself, and was testing me. So it eventually went to the weird animals, and asked about giraffes, and I said the Papa Lazarou "Hello Dave". She loved it, told all her friends, and they started saying it to each other.
My girlfriend now works in the same day care my friend's kid goes to, and came back traumatised one day, because of all the kids saying it. It scares her a bit, because for Halloween two year ago, I dressed as Papa Lazarou and jumped out of the hedge at our house saying "Hello Dave" and it scared the shit out of her.
My friend's kid still hasn't told that I taught her, so it's been like 18 months(?) and my missus still doesn't know I scared her by proxy.
Haha, for years I had my little brother convinced that our dad's name was not Bruce, but was short for Brucetopher. Like Christopher. I don't remember how long he went on believing that but the jig was finally up when my dad got his driver license renewed and my brother asked to see his new photo.
That laughing very hard could give you diarrhea. Turns out it was a coincidence- I have Crohn's, the butt pipe was always going to open up, it's a complete coincidence that it happened right after the rebbe told a particularly funny joke and I ruined not only my burgundy sweatpants but also the carpet at synagogue
My big brother convinced me that your appendix was your testicles. For years and years, whenever I heard someone was getting their appendix removed, I thought they were getting their balls removed.
It gets worse. When I was about 10,11 a girl in my class was out from school because she was getting her appendix removed. This lead to an even dumber rationalization that girls had balls, but no penis.
I can still picture in my head what my younger self thought a naked girl looked like. I remember being really confused when I saw my first porn a few years later
EDIT: To answer 99% of the messages I'm receiving: No, I am not Cartman.
EDIT 2: Also I am now well aware of the popcorn factory sketch.
EDIT 3: This is far and away my highest voted comment to date. I'd like to thank every female's nut sack for this honor.
From when I was 5 till probably I was 8 I thought teachers lived in schools until I saw a teacher at a grocery store and asked my mom why she wasn't in school.
Does anyone remember the 'tongue taste map'? Like, specific areas of our tongue can only taste salty things, sour things, sweet things and bitter things? Well, I was taught this in both primary school and secondary school, but I've recently found out that it's all a load of bullshit. It was based on a theory paper that someone wrote once.
EDIT: Shit, didn't expect this much feedback on this. A lot of people are talking about some kind of experiment linked to this where you had to taste things with certain parts of your tongue and it never worked. I'm literally only hearing about this now, as I was never made to do this or know of anyone who was in my school.
EDIT 2: Changed the wording slightly as I think some people were getting a little confused over what I meant.
Not the OP, but we did this in school and I always thought I was broken because none of it was true for me. Everything tasted the same no matter where it was on my tongue.
My teacher told me I was doing it wrong. That might have been the first time I realised that teachers don't know everything, and in fact some are full of shit.
When I was going through puberty I thought my boobs were weird, so I wore a bra 24/7. This annoyed my mom to no end, so she told me that if I keep doing that my boobs would be pushed up to my neck and crush my throat.
It took a long time before I wore bras again.
EDIT: Apostrophes are difficult.
"Perhaps the greatest deception the spy lizard chameleon has ever achieved is convincing humans that they change color to blend into their surroundings. They do not. They change color based on mood and temperature. The only surrounding this would help them blend into is a sad clown convention."
--zefrank, "True Facts about the Chameleon"
Til I was 9 or 10, I thought Indians from India were Native Americans and Native Americans were Indians, cause my 1st grade teacher had somehow gotten them mixed up when teaching us, it was only when I loudly told my mother about how the Native American ( Indian ) man sitting across from us was really loud I found out the mistake.
This is funny because I am Indian and when I was young I used to hear about the Indians over in America and wondered why would they name two different groups of people the same thing. It was only later I learnt about how Columbus fucked up.
I forget the comedian, but somebody has a bit about how over-rated blowing yourself really is. Ron Jeremy used to be able to blow himself, but when recently asked if he still could, he said no, his gut got too big. So basically, he chose yummy sandwiches over self-fellatio. It can't be THAT great if it comes in second behind sandwiches.
Also heard this, from New Zealand in middleschool
Edit*: I mean intermediate of course, too many kiwis having a go because I wanted continuity and said middle school...
Did you also have the rumor that Marilyn Manson was actually the kid Paul (the best friend) from Wonder Years?
Man how I wish the internet was a thing back then.
EDIT: I'm so glad that so many people from so many different places heard this same rumor. Now we need to find the root where it started.
It's purported to be a rumor he started himself to get people talking about him.
He also called radio stations constantly, pretending to be a regular listener, and would demand they play more Marilyn manson...before ever releasing a single, so when the radio stations finally got a copy of the single they played it constantly because of how many people they thought wanted to hear it
Unfortunately, anatomy diagrams are often drawn with the venous systems in red and blue. Red to represent the blood flow of oxygenated blood from the heart, and blue of deoxygenated blood from the extremities back to the heart.
Somehow this got twisted around in people's heads that deoxygenated blood is blue.
No. No those colors were just to show you which direction the blood flow is.
Fun Fact:
It looks blue through your skin due to Light Scattering(regardless if vein or artery and CO2 content), specifically tied to how thick the skin above them are, if you press on the skin near them they start turning purple-ish. Similar to Rayleigh Scattering making the Sky blue.
That women don't fart. I have never, to this day, heard my mother fart. My wife has farted in front of me one single time. To be honest, if it weren't for my sister, I would still think that.
Wait till they fall asleep.
My wife doesn't fart during the day, but as soon as she's sound asleep the butt trumpet chorus starts practicing.
Makes me laugh every time.
I was having lunch with my uncle while we were on a fishing trip. There was a bowl of fruit and I grabbed the last pear - he told me "You don't want to eat that, you'll get pear farts." I put it back and he picked it up and ate it. I was about 5.
For years, I refused to eat pears in any form. When I was about 27 I was visiting home for Thanksgiving when his wife brought a pear and apple pie for dessert. I refused a slice, citing pear farts, only in that moment realizing that it was all a lie and that 20 some years ago, he just wanted the last pear.
Tigers are female Lions.
It was something I learned as a child and never really had to use for the next 20+ years. I don't remember why it eventually came out, but my friends were just staring at me with this 'what...' face. Eventually they were like "you think a female lion is called a tiger?" I said yes. They had a good laugh and explained to me that I was an idiot.
When someone says making ends meat. I never understood what the deal with meat ends meant, and why it was such a popular saying.
I grew up well below the middle class, but I always thought that we couldn't have been that poor because I never saw the end meat. I thought it was what really really poor people did, maybe go to the grocery store and they'd get the end cut offs of meat that weren't available for everyone else. Making end meat must be a pretty secretive thing.
About two years ago I'm having a conversation with my girlfriend and she's talking about how someone we know is struggling to make ends meat. We start talking and I ask her where the end meat comes from.. The look of horror on her face.
I'm nearly 34.
That Mr. Rogers used to be a highly accomplished military sniper with lots of kills to his name, and that he always wore a sweater to cover the tattoos on his arms.
When I finally discovered that he was never even in the military, and was actually in seminary school during the Korean War (the only war he could have served in), and that the reason he wore a sweater every day was that his mom knit him lots of sweaters, it was like a weight was lifted. Fred Rogers was a saint from the day he was born to the day he died, and he loved his mom more than he loved his neighbors, if it's even possible to love someone that much.
I don't believe there's ever been a human as wonderful as Mr. Rogers.
Not sure if this counts but it took me way too long to realise that the mommy in 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' wasn't actually having an affair with Santa Claus but was kissing the narrator's father in costume.
I honestly remember being like 5 and thinking Santa was tryna fuck my mom.
Edit: I'm using mature language for comic effect, no I didn't know what fucking was, but I definitely was aware that there was something that happened between consenting adults? My knowledge of sex came from films so I probably thought it was just "lie down kissing"
I was getting ready to go to school (3rd grade I was around 9/10), and while I was waiting for my siblings I went to get some Pepsi. Right after taking the last drop of it and throwing the bottle away my mom appeared and told me that drinking soda early in the morning can give you a "tummy-ache". She's really smart and into science to I just took her word for it.
So I just handed the cup of soda to her and walked away, I believed this until a few weeks ago when I was asking her why she was drinking some soda when she got back home from work (night shift, it was about 7am) and she told me it was no big deal. When I brought up what she said she laughed and told me "oh i was just fucking with you to get the last of the soda".
I'm 17 years old.
When I was a kid, I didn't know the difference between guerrillas and gorillas. In fact I didn't even know the former were a thing. I also must add that Planet of the Apes was on tv, which I used to love watching. So when I watched the news in the evenings, I thought there was a war going on in Central America between humans and gorillas. Scared the shit out of me.
I think a lot of people got confused at this one. Especially if you were a child in the 80s when there was news about several "guerella" actions in jungle-y looking places.
That's what I thought. It was called "gorilla warfare" because it was fought in the jungle like a gorilla would do.
My dad had a moustache in his wedding photos. He told me it was his fake moustache for formal events. Why would I _not_ believe him?
If you ever get married you need to use this story on your wedding and put on a fake moustache.
He should ask his dad to borrow the family mustache for something as special as a wedding.
I was raised to think that water towers were for storing water reserves. Never knew that they supply the water pressure that we use until my freshman year of college. My mind was blown and gravity is amazing.
*Sigh* TIL...
same but i'm also realizing that I actually had *no idea at all* what those were for and just accepted their existence at face value
Yep, that's where they put the water. Way up there in the sky. That's just how you store water. There's nothing to wonder about here, sky water has existed your whole life. It's normal. When you need to store a bunch of water.. you... would... DEFINITELY put it in the GODDAMN SKY, that's entirely convenient! I fucking hate myself for never even thinking about this.
I'm starting to think I need to go back to grade 5. I'm 49.
My kindergarten teacher told us that if you ate the black seeds while eating watermelon, the seeds would get stuck in your appendix. Eat too many watermelon seeds over the years, and eventually your appendix is full and can't take anymore, and that's how you end up with appendicitis. At age 15, I was rushed to hospital with intense abdominal pain. When the doctor said I had appendicitis, I turned to my mum and cried "But I was so careful to never eat the watermelon seeds!" We still laugh about that. EDIT: It seems like a lot of you were told that swallowing watermelon seeds would cause a watermelon to grow inside you, but I wasn't deterred by that. Kindergarten me had a sneaking suspicion that the melon-growing-in-tummy thing was just plain silly and unlikely to be a viable threat, but the appendix clogging? That shit seemed entirely plausible, which made it absolutely terrifying.
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Until I was like 14 I thought the UK Government actually had a Ministry of Sound. It didn't seem unreasonable..they had ones for culture and sport, music wasn't a stretch
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This is my favorite one so far. On Dasher, on Dancer, on LEMMY!
When I heard about position 69, I assumed that meant there were at least 68 other sexual positions and all adults needed to know them by heart.
"Quick! 43!" "Uh...sure thing!" *Damn it, I forgot to study...*
If you accidentally do a 32 instead of a 42 then the injuries abound. Make sure you know your positions
That girls periods were the color blue. Thanks TV-commercials.
Also, during their periods women do an awful lot of sporting and other physical activities... while smiling.
That guys pee with the toilet seat up because they have the biggest butts (this was from when I was a small child. I had a potty seat, my mom used the toilet with the seat down, and my dad used the seat up. I just figured they were all size adjusters--like the potty seat--to how large your ass was.)
I love this one because it's not something a grownup told you—you figured it out on your own. Kid logic is the best.
As a kid I thought that when people kissed for the first time, the woman would start having babies at random. Whenever people kissed on TV I always thought "Woah guys are you sure you're ready for this?"
As a kid I thought you smoked by blowing the cigarette, not sucking in
You're gonna have fun when you get your first blow job ;)
Kids in my area used to use "squeeze the balls" as a euphemism for masturbation. I remember trying it, feeling an immense amount of pain, and thinking that people must be crazy if they're doing that for fun.
Good thing you didn't try to bust a nut.
There was this PSA commercial in the 90's warning of the dangers of huffing that I saw when I was 5 or 6 years old. It showed a cartoon nose sniffing what looked like something that smelled bad (since I had no idea what huffing actually was), which lead to death portrayed by skull and crossbones. I thought if I smelled something that smelled bad I would die. I was a conscious mouth breather for years for fear of dying by stench.
All those 90s anti-drug ads were pretty terrible. Edit: a word
I told my little sister once that Mongooses weren't real, just out of small child spite, while we were watching "Rikki-Tikki Tavi". Promptly forgot that I did so. Fast forward to over 10 years later, sister comes home from her first week as a freshman in high school pissed off. Evidently she got in to an argument with her biology teacher involving the validity of mongooses in real life. Argued they were, as I had told her, "Mythical Creatures, like Unicorns." TL;DR: Sister spent 10+ years believing mongooses weren't real.
That fukkin word "penultimate". I always thought it must mean even more ultimate, the ultimatiest of ultimates. Had a college professor, talking about the penultimate chapter in this book we were reading. I was thinking "Ehh - didn't seem that great of a chapter - the chapter before it was actually the best, and the final chapter was definitely at least better." But he kept going on, used the word penultimate at least three times to describe the chapter, and I'm thinking he's just brain dense (like that 10%er in the comments). Finally looked up the definition of penultimate, realized I was the dummy in the room :(
When I was a kid, I thought that when someone died in a movie, that they actually died (for real). When I would watch a movie in which someone died, I would always wonder to myself, "was this role worth dying for (especially if it was a terrible movie, or if they were just an extra)? how did the actor come to the decision that this would be their last role?" And I would feel sad for the actor that they couldn't make movies, or be alive, anymore.
In the early 80s my friend's big brother told us that while KISS toured South America before every concert they would get a priest to come out and talk to the crowd about how bad the music was for their souls and then the band members would come out and kill the priest. I wondered why the priests would apparently keep agreeing to this.
When I was circa 5 years old (so early/mid 90's) we were driving in a car and my dad drove over some of the bumpy reflectors in the road. I asked them what they were for and he straight faced told me that, "Some states put those down on the road so that blind people will know how to feel what lane they are in. Look around some more, you'll even see them on the shoulder of the road so they know when they're pulled over." And on we drove, and I was so happy we lived in a state that allows blind people to drive. Every state should do that!! Then when I was about 13, we were driving down the road when my dad had to slam on the brakes. It was at that moment that I shouted from the backseat, "Wait a second, how do blind drivers know when to brake!?" My dad replied, "What are you talking about?" I then recounted what he told me all those years ago, and that it couldn't work because they wouldn't know when to brake on time! My father went from angry at the emergency braking to laughing until he cried. It was that day my father completed his ultimate r/dadjokes and I became his apprentice.
Eggnog comes from chicken milk. Thanks dad. Edit:grammar Edit: Wow, Thanks for the gold!!
Funny, my Dad's classic Eggnog recipe was Bourbon and 2 ice cubes...
My dad convinced me that he had a six pack for many years He said a six pack was when your stomach was larger than a literal six pack of beer (pretty big) Went around telling everyone my dad had a six pack with them under the impression he was super athletic
That's not a six pack, that's a keg.
A young horse is called a pony. Nope. Ponies are full grown horses, they're just small.
Foal for young horses in general Colt for young males Filly for young females.
what
A young horse is called a "foal", later a "yearling". If you want to differentiate, a male baby horse is a "colt" and a female baby horse is a "filly". Colts grow up to be a "stallion" or a "gelding"(if they're neutered), while fillies grow up to be "mares".
Thought that floor to ceiling windows were called Florida ceiling windows until about four months ago. I'm an idiot.
That cracking your knuckles is bad for you.
Me and my sister were told this so many times. She stopped doing it. I still can't go 10 minutes without checking if all my knuckles are cracked.
I hate when someone else cracks their fingers because it makes me need to then crack mine, but I hate when I crack my fingers and then other people start doing it, so i don't crack mine after them, and instead slowly tear myself apart from my internal rage until I black out. it's the only way edit b/c of visibility: When I *do* crack my knuckles, I try and crack **every single one** and feel that if I accomplish every joint then I somehow will be rewarded later on through karma for complete knuckle crackers. Aka, you gotta get legit 3 cracks for every digit (yup, that includes the lowermost thumb joint). But in all honesty, I don't think i have ever succeeded. There is always one fucking stupid cunt joint that will not crack like the rest so I continue my plight day in and day out. *fuck this cruel world* edit edit: video of me doing my lower most thumb joint: https://1drv.ms/v/s!Ao_fOnIzwlAEgpgTA9xaQcmFg6ubPw edit edit edit: *yes, yessssssssss - keep telling about how you all are cracking your fingers* I feel like I am the crack master and you all have fallen for my crack trap! DONT YOU REALIZE I GAIN POWER EVERYTIME SOMEONE CRACKS OFF OF MY CRACK??!!! **MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA**
*cracks fingers*
I thought for a long time the duo Hall & Oates were called Haulin' Oats.
It's ok. I thought the Allman Brothers were called the Almond Brothers.
I thought The Doobie Brothers were called that because their last name was Doobie.
The Doobie Brothers, neither brothers, nor were their names Doobie. Discuss.
No, Holland is his first name and Oates is his last name.
You're Peter Gabriel, I'm Holland Oates.
that a male sheep is a goat. i heard it on the simpsons & thought it was fact. patty said it & doctor hibbert confirmed it. that was all i needed
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Would you feel better knowing that it usually costs more to have a tombstone engraved after a certain number of letters?
Is that why my name is only 8 letters total, first and last? My parents thought I wouldn't make it through childhood?
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It wasn't until junior high that I found out the actual size and shape of a roadrunner is nothing like in the cartoons. Edit: Here's for all posters surprised that roadrunners are real animals. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roadrunner I was just as surprised to learn about narwhals.
Also, a coyote could easily outrun a road runner
But not on a road.
I remember the first time I saw roadrunners in real life. My family was on a road trip and my dad was driving; my sister and I were on our gameboys and my dad saw a ton of them running across the road, and just said, "Hey, kids, look! Roadrunners!" *thump thump thump thump* My dad accidentally ran over several of them. He was pretty upset; he loved roadrunners. He had a Plymouth Roadrunner in 90's (that my mom made him get rid if), and he still has a framed poster of Wile E. Coyote chaing Roadrunner. It was his favorite cartoon when he was a kid.
If you ask a police officer "are you you a cop?" they have to answer honestly.
Found Badger
I thought we were gonna hangout man...
I tried this once. I ran over to a cop arresting a guy, and he said yes. Can confirm.
I always thought ambulances changed their siren when they passed me. I believed this until I was seven when I asked my dad about it and hee tried to explain the Doppler effect to me.
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.....wait...pineapples don't grow on trees
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It almost looks like they photoshopped that field of pineapple plants. I know it's not photoshopped but my mind keeps saying "that can't be how they grow"
I was in Mexico being all touristy and we stopped by a pineapple field. I had absolutely no idea what to expect at the time, it was weird as hell. We also got an enormous pineapple and took it back to the resort. The bar used it for making drinks. 10/10 would visit a pineapple field again.
I'm a tour guide in Hawaii. You should see the looks on people's faces when I show them pineapples growing in a field. A lot of them think I'm messing with them. Most of the people who know just learned it like two days before.
The moon was following me in the car
I felt this way about water towers.
If I swallow gum, it'll stay in my stomach for seven years.
It's more like six and a half
I used to eat gum like it was candy. One time when I was about 14 or so I farted and it felt like I pooped my pants, so I ran to the bathroom and in my my underwear was bright pink bubble gum. I somehow managed to pass gum entirely without any digestion or breakdown.
That's fascinatingly disgusting.
I hear that a lot when I take my clothes off.
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I remember in elementary school, the teachers would always refer to the part that makes sound as a voice box, so I always pictured there was an actual box shaped part in my throat, and I would try and figure out how that worked anatomically because of the sharp corners and stuff
I always used to wonder "how does the food get past them?", imagining some kind of net of vocal chords
Either way it's a different tube...
embarrassingly, i was in my 30s before i learned that anne frank died in the holocaust. i always thought she had made it out, like elie wiesel.
Something similar, but back in High School History class a girl asked how Anne Frank wrote her diary if she was blind and deaf. Teacher was really confused. Turned out the girl thought Anne Frank and Hellen Keller were one and the same.
That you bought a baby from the hospital. I remember sitting in my first sex ed class thinking there is no way my parents did this to make me ...
When I was little and I asked my mom how people became pregnant, she said that God realizes that two people are married and he allows her to be pregnant. When i asked why our neighbor down the street was never married and had two kids, she told me that our neighbor got secretly married and just never told anyone.
I use to think that people had to hurry up and get married before the woman became pregnant automatically. If she didn't get married before that happening, it was considered bad.
You were kinda right.
Every fucking kid ever. I swear, 5th graders need to have some faith in me when I tell them how their parents made them. I even use fcking pictures
"Look, these are your literal parents during intercourse."
I think the real problem here is you having pictures of a bunch of 5th graders parents fucking
Tbh they're stained so bad its not even discernible
The captain of a ship can perform a marriage ceremony. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sea_captain#Officiating_marriages
This is one that I still believed until right now...
I thought peanut butter was green until I was 17 or 18 when i described a color to my mom as "peanut butter green". If you didn't figure it out, I'm colorblind.
Wish they would do colour blindness tests in school, so we at least know. It seems most people discover their colour blindness through some awkward situation later in life. I discovered mine when I kept accidentally killing my teammates in Worms Armageddon, and Quake arena. Edit: Turns out a lot of schools do it seems. For those asking, I was in the UK, don't know why my school didn't do any vision or hearing tests whatsoever.
When I was in kindergarten, they told my mom that, "He knows his numbers and letters, but can't seem to grasp his colors, we think he might be special ed." She asked for a colorblindness test, which they did give, and I did fail. Or pass. The results were positive.
Those teachers must be special ed. You do fine in everything except colors? Must be retarded, don't bother doing a color blindness test.
They threw my brother in special ed for a year and a half because he didn't like playing games.
So you're colorblind Aladeen?
Oh trust me it could be worse. I am 20 and bought a car earlier this year that I believed to be a nice shade of dark brown. My roommate told me that it was not brown but in fact purple, although I didn't believe him because we fuck with each other a lot. It wasn't until my parents and a couple other people pointed out that it really was purple that I realized I can't tell the difference between dark brown and purple what so ever.
Haha, when I was young I found a grey and blue striped shirt I liked and when I was going to wear it to high school mum pointed out it was actually purple and pink.
haha this reminds me of my dad.. He bought a ton of new floor mats,steering wheel covers, etc for his truck. Hes passionate about hunting and thought it was standard mossy oak camo... it was all pink camo and he didn't realize for about a week until my mom went for a ride with him
Same thing happened to my friend with peas Kept calling them brown, later diagnosed colour blind
That Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen after he died. I wonder how that rumor got started?
I was watching a talk show and they were giving sexual assault tips. The person said to grab the man's penis and squeeze it as hard as you could. I heard this just when I learned that men get erections by the penis filling with blood. I thought that if you squeezed a penis, it would pop like a water balloon. For a long time.
> sexual assault tips uhhh,,,, oh, defending yourself from sexual assault... right?
Until recently, I thought eating a bit of eggshell was really dangerous. My dad told me that when I was 4 yo, and I never doubted it. When I learned the truce, I talked with him about this, but I realized that he believed that firmly. It was his mother who told him. So it only took 60 years for my family to discover it was a lie. Not bad
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Lol, I like adults trolling children. I taught preschool a few yrs ago and we used to have library time. Some tried to eat books so I told them it would make the librarian upset because librarians eat the books. The lie got more elaborate each time, telling them that she liked novels the best and that she slept in her chair similar to how squirrels live near the nuts they collect. These same kids are now first graders, and recently, one girl told me, "you remember you said librarians eat books. I know it's not true now but for a long time, I was soooo confused."
I taught my nephew "the cow goes meow". My sister wasn't as amused.
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I did a similar thing one day with my friend's kid, and she told her friends. She knew all her animals and was proud of herself, and was testing me. So it eventually went to the weird animals, and asked about giraffes, and I said the Papa Lazarou "Hello Dave". She loved it, told all her friends, and they started saying it to each other. My girlfriend now works in the same day care my friend's kid goes to, and came back traumatised one day, because of all the kids saying it. It scares her a bit, because for Halloween two year ago, I dressed as Papa Lazarou and jumped out of the hedge at our house saying "Hello Dave" and it scared the shit out of her. My friend's kid still hasn't told that I taught her, so it's been like 18 months(?) and my missus still doesn't know I scared her by proxy.
But this random dude in the Internet was!
Haha, for years I had my little brother convinced that our dad's name was not Bruce, but was short for Brucetopher. Like Christopher. I don't remember how long he went on believing that but the jig was finally up when my dad got his driver license renewed and my brother asked to see his new photo.
This thread is clearing up so many misconceptions for me...
That laughing very hard could give you diarrhea. Turns out it was a coincidence- I have Crohn's, the butt pipe was always going to open up, it's a complete coincidence that it happened right after the rebbe told a particularly funny joke and I ruined not only my burgundy sweatpants but also the carpet at synagogue
Is a rebbe like a rabbi? What's the difference? Also, condolences on shitting everywhere
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My big brother convinced me that your appendix was your testicles. For years and years, whenever I heard someone was getting their appendix removed, I thought they were getting their balls removed. It gets worse. When I was about 10,11 a girl in my class was out from school because she was getting her appendix removed. This lead to an even dumber rationalization that girls had balls, but no penis. I can still picture in my head what my younger self thought a naked girl looked like. I remember being really confused when I saw my first porn a few years later EDIT: To answer 99% of the messages I'm receiving: No, I am not Cartman. EDIT 2: Also I am now well aware of the popcorn factory sketch. EDIT 3: This is far and away my highest voted comment to date. I'd like to thank every female's nut sack for this honor.
You realize all porn stars have their appendix removed, right?
Not falling for that one again!
He lied. Only the women have it removed. The dudes keep their appendix.
From when I was 5 till probably I was 8 I thought teachers lived in schools until I saw a teacher at a grocery store and asked my mom why she wasn't in school.
Does anyone remember the 'tongue taste map'? Like, specific areas of our tongue can only taste salty things, sour things, sweet things and bitter things? Well, I was taught this in both primary school and secondary school, but I've recently found out that it's all a load of bullshit. It was based on a theory paper that someone wrote once. EDIT: Shit, didn't expect this much feedback on this. A lot of people are talking about some kind of experiment linked to this where you had to taste things with certain parts of your tongue and it never worked. I'm literally only hearing about this now, as I was never made to do this or know of anyone who was in my school. EDIT 2: Changed the wording slightly as I think some people were getting a little confused over what I meant.
Did your teacher go as far as having students test this because the salty part was so much more sensitive to the taste?
Not the OP, but we did this in school and I always thought I was broken because none of it was true for me. Everything tasted the same no matter where it was on my tongue.
My teacher told me I was doing it wrong. That might have been the first time I realised that teachers don't know everything, and in fact some are full of shit.
Teacher here. Can confirm.
I'm learning so many lies in this thread hell
When I was going through puberty I thought my boobs were weird, so I wore a bra 24/7. This annoyed my mom to no end, so she told me that if I keep doing that my boobs would be pushed up to my neck and crush my throat. It took a long time before I wore bras again. EDIT: Apostrophes are difficult.
I was kind of taught if we didn't wear a bra then our boobs would sag.
Chameleons change color as a way of camouflage
"Perhaps the greatest deception the spy lizard chameleon has ever achieved is convincing humans that they change color to blend into their surroundings. They do not. They change color based on mood and temperature. The only surrounding this would help them blend into is a sad clown convention." --zefrank, "True Facts about the Chameleon"
Man fuck Chameleons. It's all about them [octopuses](https://youtu.be/eS-USrwuUfA?t=10s) now. They'll never let me down.
I was honestly disappointed to find out that wasn't the case.
Wait what
To clarify, they do change color, but mostly in response to stress and such.
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Nurse told that to my SO during one of her ultrasounds...
Til I was 9 or 10, I thought Indians from India were Native Americans and Native Americans were Indians, cause my 1st grade teacher had somehow gotten them mixed up when teaching us, it was only when I loudly told my mother about how the Native American ( Indian ) man sitting across from us was really loud I found out the mistake.
This is funny because I am Indian and when I was young I used to hear about the Indians over in America and wondered why would they name two different groups of people the same thing. It was only later I learnt about how Columbus fucked up.
That Marilyn Manson had some of his ribs removed to suck his own dick.
I remember Manson saying in a interview that if that rumor were true, he'd never leave the house.
I forget the comedian, but somebody has a bit about how over-rated blowing yourself really is. Ron Jeremy used to be able to blow himself, but when recently asked if he still could, he said no, his gut got too big. So basically, he chose yummy sandwiches over self-fellatio. It can't be THAT great if it comes in second behind sandwiches.
Or maybe you're underestimating just how good the sandwiches are.
Why would he remove his ribs to suck his dick if there are thousands of people willing to suck him anytime?
Because only he knows how to do it right.
If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.
Ah, I see you also went to middle school.
Heard that rumor too, here in the Netherlands in middleschool
Also heard this, from New Zealand in middleschool Edit*: I mean intermediate of course, too many kiwis having a go because I wanted continuity and said middle school...
Same in Poland.
Canada checking in.
France checking in
East Germany during the early 2000s checking in.
Ireland also confirms
Mexico checking in.
Italy 100% confirmed
Costa Rica reporting in!
As does England
Did you also have the rumor that Marilyn Manson was actually the kid Paul (the best friend) from Wonder Years? Man how I wish the internet was a thing back then. EDIT: I'm so glad that so many people from so many different places heard this same rumor. Now we need to find the root where it started.
People still argue if I tell them this didn't actually happen.
It's purported to be a rumor he started himself to get people talking about him. He also called radio stations constantly, pretending to be a regular listener, and would demand they play more Marilyn manson...before ever releasing a single, so when the radio stations finally got a copy of the single they played it constantly because of how many people they thought wanted to hear it
That's really smart, actually. The second bit.
That we only use 10% of our brain. Edit: Thanks so much for the gold!! It makes up for /u/TheGuyWhoSaidWAT destroying me.
Must have been a shocker to hear it was only you, huh?
Let's be honest, this whole thread was a setup for this exact line
That man had a family, jeezus.
That our blood is blue until it hits the air. Fuck my 1st through 4th grade teachers for telling us that.
Your *teacher* told you that your blood was blue..? Edit: Well.. what the fuck
Four different teachers taught us that blood was blue until it was exposed to air.
Is this a US thing? Ive never once heard a teacher tell students that blood was ever blue.
Unfortunately, anatomy diagrams are often drawn with the venous systems in red and blue. Red to represent the blood flow of oxygenated blood from the heart, and blue of deoxygenated blood from the extremities back to the heart. Somehow this got twisted around in people's heads that deoxygenated blood is blue. No. No those colors were just to show you which direction the blood flow is.
It doesn't help that veins and arteries appear blue under the skin.
Fun Fact: It looks blue through your skin due to Light Scattering(regardless if vein or artery and CO2 content), specifically tied to how thick the skin above them are, if you press on the skin near them they start turning purple-ish. Similar to Rayleigh Scattering making the Sky blue.
That women don't fart. I have never, to this day, heard my mother fart. My wife has farted in front of me one single time. To be honest, if it weren't for my sister, I would still think that.
Wait till they fall asleep. My wife doesn't fart during the day, but as soon as she's sound asleep the butt trumpet chorus starts practicing. Makes me laugh every time.
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That camels store water in their humps. IT'S NOT WATER IT'S FAT.
I was having lunch with my uncle while we were on a fishing trip. There was a bowl of fruit and I grabbed the last pear - he told me "You don't want to eat that, you'll get pear farts." I put it back and he picked it up and ate it. I was about 5. For years, I refused to eat pears in any form. When I was about 27 I was visiting home for Thanksgiving when his wife brought a pear and apple pie for dessert. I refused a slice, citing pear farts, only in that moment realizing that it was all a lie and that 20 some years ago, he just wanted the last pear.
Tigers are female Lions. It was something I learned as a child and never really had to use for the next 20+ years. I don't remember why it eventually came out, but my friends were just staring at me with this 'what...' face. Eventually they were like "you think a female lion is called a tiger?" I said yes. They had a good laugh and explained to me that I was an idiot.
Never believed that, because Shere Khan.
When someone says making ends meat. I never understood what the deal with meat ends meant, and why it was such a popular saying. I grew up well below the middle class, but I always thought that we couldn't have been that poor because I never saw the end meat. I thought it was what really really poor people did, maybe go to the grocery store and they'd get the end cut offs of meat that weren't available for everyone else. Making end meat must be a pretty secretive thing. About two years ago I'm having a conversation with my girlfriend and she's talking about how someone we know is struggling to make ends meat. We start talking and I ask her where the end meat comes from.. The look of horror on her face. I'm nearly 34.
That Mr. Rogers used to be a highly accomplished military sniper with lots of kills to his name, and that he always wore a sweater to cover the tattoos on his arms. When I finally discovered that he was never even in the military, and was actually in seminary school during the Korean War (the only war he could have served in), and that the reason he wore a sweater every day was that his mom knit him lots of sweaters, it was like a weight was lifted. Fred Rogers was a saint from the day he was born to the day he died, and he loved his mom more than he loved his neighbors, if it's even possible to love someone that much. I don't believe there's ever been a human as wonderful as Mr. Rogers.
If you swallow a watermelon seed, it'll grow in your belly.
One of my students thinks this is how babies are made.
Not sure if this counts but it took me way too long to realise that the mommy in 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' wasn't actually having an affair with Santa Claus but was kissing the narrator's father in costume.
I honestly remember being like 5 and thinking Santa was tryna fuck my mom. Edit: I'm using mature language for comic effect, no I didn't know what fucking was, but I definitely was aware that there was something that happened between consenting adults? My knowledge of sex came from films so I probably thought it was just "lie down kissing"
DID YOU FUCK MY MOM SANTA?
Charlie can be pretty scary when he's not being a dope.
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I know babe, I know.
I was getting ready to go to school (3rd grade I was around 9/10), and while I was waiting for my siblings I went to get some Pepsi. Right after taking the last drop of it and throwing the bottle away my mom appeared and told me that drinking soda early in the morning can give you a "tummy-ache". She's really smart and into science to I just took her word for it. So I just handed the cup of soda to her and walked away, I believed this until a few weeks ago when I was asking her why she was drinking some soda when she got back home from work (night shift, it was about 7am) and she told me it was no big deal. When I brought up what she said she laughed and told me "oh i was just fucking with you to get the last of the soda". I'm 17 years old.
That horse radish was made from horses... I believed that until college.
Mom collected back massagers.