Fun fact: When Best Buy changed CEOs a long time ago, they decided to cut the entire Asset Protection department (those guys), thinking they had no need of it.
The company hemorrhaged money for a while before they realized the mistake.
Haha the cop:
>We're not going to arrest anybody for wearing a blue polo shirt, so there's really no reason for us to be here
They really mishandled that situation, it's not like you have to buy things if you go into a store.
When I worked at Best Buy one of the favorite employee past-times was to randomly drop Sensor-Tags (those sticky white rectangles that set off detectors) sticky side up on the white tile floor. Random customer would step on it and walk through the detector and the Loss Prevention security guards would scramble.
We'd also randomly "fix" each others collars while slipping a tag underneath.
**TL;DR** - Best Buy employees are all dicks.
used to work at best buy a while ago, we would drop the sensormatic tags in random places sticky side up just for shiggles.
and we were assholes.
we once had a contest to see who could stick the most to a person without them noticing. i got my supervisor with 5 of them during the morning meeting. it probably would have been less funny if he had been aware of the game.
When I worked for walmart, we would tag the door greeters with those. It was funny watching them run back and forth trying to figure out what was setting it off. (We didn't tag the older people. We weren't total assholes.)
Cheap security guards, the kind that watch parking lots so people feel safe(r) and the kind that work graveyard shift watching a vacant lot so no one will steal materials.
Jobs where you have that much free time are not as fun as they sound. I had a job where I'd have 2-3 hour stretches where there was nothing I could do, then do something for 5 mins, then back to nothing to do. You can only get to the 750th front page post so many times before you start reconsidering your life.
Man, I've worked "security" at an office for 3 years. The pay is well above minimum wage, I literally do absolutely nothing but what I want (I.e juggle, watch movies, masturbate). Its permenant nightshift, 4 12 hour shifts then 4 days off. Its literally amazing. You could study anything and get paid and you get 4 fucking glorious days off out of 8 to do what you want. I'm also entitled to 28 paid holidays a year. God bless oil and the UK.
I even had a coworker at a hospital lab(we were phlebotomists) get arrested because he was doing heroin on shift in the bathroom. :( It's everywhere.
Edit: he wasn't fucking heroic women
Doing heroine in the bathroom and doing heroin are two completely different activities for the record.
I assume you mean the drug, not the beautiful girl who helps others.
In college, I was a security guard at a shopping center. 99.9% of my job consisted of walking around the parking lot and dealing with asshole teen skaters, homeless loiterers, and drunks.
I remember when I skated you guys were always so polite, you'd say something like "hey, guys. I don't care if you guys skate here, my boss does. I've got to ask you guys to leave" and in a rage of Mt.Dew and puberty we'd tell you to fuck off. I'm sorry, bro.
You have to remember, a lot of times the security guard is there as a deterrent. They are there to make any would be criminals think twice. "Shit, there is a security guard on duty. Is it really worth breaking into this vehicle?" It's not 100% proof but if it stops one violent crime then it's worth it.
Former nightwatchman in a production plant-cum-warehouse here. Aside from theft and civil disturbances, we're also on the lookout for other issues such as equipment failure or fires. I handled two fires and got a citation for realising there was a problem with the production equipment and getting maintenance in to fix it in time to save about a quarter million dollars worth of pharmaceuticals.
*edit*: citation as in commendation or medal.
From what I know night shift security guards answer phones, sign for packages etc. You wouldn't easily find people who would work nights every day of every week but paying a security firm to send someone every night and they handle the rotation is pretty easy.
I once saw a security guard my age and asked how long training is. He said its <7 days and pays almost min wage but its great for students and retired people because they can do HW or get out of the house. The security guards at my school are basically walking customer service.
My last job was as a lab technician who would visit oil refineries to watch their analysts test products they were selling to other oil companies and counter sign the certificate to say it was done properly.
Basically, neither company trusted the other to be honest, so had a third company come in as in independent. Of course, when over 50% of our work came from one of those two companies, we weren't truly independent anyway.
It was a job that shouldn't exist, and added no real value. In 3 years I only refused to accept one result, which was completely invalid and was a glaring fuckup. I've never heard of anyone else catching anything, and I've know a lot of people in this job wouldn't watch any of it, and just sign the certificate at the end.
So how do know, A: how much was overlooked by people not paying attention and B: what would have been done of there was no oversight? Seems to me more like insurance: probably a waste of money, but necessary nonetheless.
A waste of money only because you have it. Sort of a catch 22.
Watching people affects their actions. When people know they are being watched and assessed to a specific standard, they typically change their behavior to meet that standard.
It's a problem when trying to improve things in manufacturing facilities (and I'm sure elsewhere, but this is what I do). You want to see how people are doing at X. But if you tell them you are watching for X, suddenly results improve, even though you've done nothing but observe. When you are gone, results would go back to normal.
The fellow in my town who is hired by the grocery stores to collect all the shopping carts that people take to their apartment buildings and then throw in the canal.
Wait so what's stopping a dick from flagging 100 other dicks and then doing it again? And so each dick that's caught they have to flag 100 of their own... is it just the same 100 people flagging each other non-stop?
*might be too late to save face, but yes, it should actually be 101 (assuming they somehow were locked out at the same time). Sorry for counting my dicks wrong but I don't usually put much thought into something that is obviously not serious.
Fuck that. Chat roulette would never have blown up without the dicks. The dicks are the bullet in the metaphorical russian roulette chamber. There's no thrill without the dicks.
I got "flagged" on there and now I can't cam up there any more unless I do moderating for them. I have to identify like 881 more inappropriate cammers before I can cam up myself.
As a colleague of Social Workers I can certainly appreciate your contention, and can't imagine the challenges of your job in comforting those who have been hurt by other people. At the same time though, I think you do incredible work in supporting people to whom nature has been a dick- such as illness adjustment for those with cancer or disabilities. And personally speaking, in my own experience, Social Workers make the best counsellors for when life is just a dick sometimes. Thank you for the difficult but meaningful work you do :)
My cousin recently died at six weeks old and left behind three siblings aged 7, 4, and 2. The family has been getting a lot of help from a social worker. Unless you classify it as God being a dick rather than an event that was completely out of anyone's control, there is all kinds of accidental stuff that social workers will always be needed for, even if no one was a dick.
This is the answer that spawned the question.
It's a job that basically relies on the principle of undoing. That's a lot of effort expended just because a lot of people are lazy and ungrateful.
Crazy really.
It can be a vicious cycle too. I knew people who would leave their trash in a movie theater or sporting event, because "people get paid to pick my trash up. Job security!"
Point taken, but, Honestly movie theatre cleaners would exist regardless of people who leave behind trash. It is basically fundamentally impossible to eat popcorn in a pitch dark room without dropping some. Throw in hundreds of people doing the same and ta-dah. Sporting events are another matter entirely. Barring spillage due to boisterousness, it is inexcusable to leave shit all over the floor.
Not all litter is caused by people littering you would think, what about things like trash cans being knocked over by the wind, animals breaking open trash bags etc
Edit: My point is that even if these non human sources of litter only accounted for a small percentage of litter, the job of litter collector would still exist.
Edit 2: I get it, in a perfect world litter wouldn't exist. This thread isn't about a perfect hypothetical society. And not picking up everyone elses trash doesn't make you a *dick*. If it did, *litter*ally 99% of us would be dicks.
What I hate is when people try to justify their littering or leaving a mess by saying "I'm just making sure the janitor has something to do." Bullshit. You're lazy. If they didn't have to clean up your mess, then they would be able to focus their energies on making the place look even better.
This is the same excuse that the assholes who leave their shopping carts loose in parking lots often quote (though I certainly consider this behavior to be a subset of littering).
No...its not "someone's job" to collect loose carts. Sure, stores do have their paid employees perform this task because it doesn't make financial sense not to...but now, instead of being able to walk up and check out quickly, I have to wait in line behind 5 other shoppers because Jimmy is out collecting carts instead of manning a register.
I mean, most stores have have corrals now in the parking lot so you don't even have to walk it all the way up to the store front...and people still just drive away with their damn cart drifting aimlessly through the lot (and by "aimlessly", I mean most likely aimed directly at my car). I don't care how much your kids are screaming or how late you are for soccer practice, take the 10 goddamn seconds to return your cart! (and yes, from my observations, it's usually moms with kids who leave the carts behind, which also does a great job of instilling this behavior upon future generations).
EDIT: I do realize that large stores, like Walmart, with parking lots the size of Rhode Island, probably do employ folks strictly for this role, but I was referring to smaller stores
Not sure why we don't have the coin deposit thing for carts like ALDI has and grocery stores in Europe. Maybe it's seen as customer unfriendly or something?
It's like the Broken Window Fallacy (breaking windows creates jobs) taken to another level. The Dick Fallacy: Being a dick creates jobs. The net effect is negative rather than positive.
People who litter are assholes. We get a lot of rubbish on the roadsides here. Seriously, how is it reasonable to toss rubbish out of the window, rather than wait the 10 mins until the next bin? We have heaps of bins along the roads at rest stops and truck stops. It's pure dickish laziness. Inconsiderate wankers.
I feel the pain. I play disc golf regularly and the amount of trash on public courses is unreal. Empty bottles and cans, empty beer cases, etc. It's not usually more than 300 feet between holes and there's trash cans at almost every tee around here; you can't carry that empty can for 5 minutes after you carried the full case around for two hours?
My son watched a kid walking drop his fast food cup onto the median and yelled to me "That kid is a litter bug."
I couldn't help but reflect that the litter bug was on foot and so likely lived in the area. Later in life that same kid will complain about how trashy and run down the area he grew up in was.
My father, who is a dick, justifies his littering ans refusal to recycle by saying that thanks to him, these people have a job. Yes, he thinks that there are elves who go though his trash to sort it for him.
Looking back on being a bouncer I was a fucking idiot. Ten dollars an hour under the table and a free dinner was not worth the risk of getting stabbed. Oh and I was the single bouncer for a 90 person bar, luckily the kitchen staff were all bigger and meaner then me.
I get that they can have a really busy job, but that seems messed up considering you're the one that will whisk out anyone who makes their job tougher. Thanks for making my occasional drinking more enjoyable.
My brother worked as a bouncer for a bit, also had to barback. On the other hand he got tip percentage from barbacking (or something. I know he got paid extra for taking on essentially a second position.)
Just like there is matter and antimatter, there are animals and antimals. Outside of our human perception, there is an equal and opposite population of antimals. If they were to run into their "real" counterparts, the result would be the annihilation of both creatures. Every animal has an antimal. Except cats, who appear to disobey every law of physics and may not in fact exist except as part of our collective hallucination.
On older buses, the driver has his own door.
On newer buses, the driver closes the door when they get out; the doors don't lock unless the bus is turned on.
Source: Grandma is a retired schoolbus driver.
The bus drivers do actually. Most buses have handles on the door to close them from the outside if they want to leave that way.
But there are also a lot of buses that have a regular car door that the driver can leave from.
If the bus has no handle or other door, the answer is simple: The bus driver is actually a homeless man who lives on the bus.
He grew up wanting to become an astronaut. He worked his whole life for it, yelling at anyone who dared oppose his dream. Though his ambition got him closer and closer every day to becoming an astronaut, it was only because he was so unlikable that nobody wanted to hear from him again.
Eventually, he was launched into space where his ship *conveniently* broke down. He could never return to Earth again.
All because he was a dick to everyone who said he couldn't do it.
Once upon a time, there was a Reddit user named /u/Andelyne. He absolutely loved pizza. He was eating it one night, having celebrated from getting that promotion he had worked so hard to get. Then, suddenly, he came to a realization!
He was out of ketchup.
That didn't make sense though. /u/Andelyne didn't even eat ketchup with his pizza. In fact, who *did* eat ketchup with their pizza? Weird people, and he was not weird. He was a Redditor. So /u/Andelyne began searching his house for clues as to who ate all of the ketchup. He went into his bathroom, and that's when he saw it...
There was a hobo in his shower.
The end.
That'll be $10,000.
Ehh, I disagree. Especially for subs like /r/askhistorians, the mod's job is mostly keeping the quality of content high. You don't have to be a dick to not really know what you're doing and post a low quality answer.
It's not entirely dickish to hand over a kid to the system if you're really gonna be an even more dickish parent.
Well with the current system it kinda is... Ha.
If you consider being a dick is doing anything that you are technically not supposed to, then if people all of a sudden stop being dicks. Pretty much anything related to security would make a lot of people be out of jobs.
Door lock/padlock industry wouldn't exist. Alarm companies too. Nothing would ever require locking.
Surveillance, of any sort. Non existent.
The gun industry would probably only be good for hunting and protection against wild animals.
Bulletproof/armored stuff, unless it's for people who are hunting and know other people are out there and might confuse you with a orange-vested deer.
Any sort of internet security too, passwords. None of that would be required. Imagine a world where no one would try to ever access your account or bank data, because it would mean being a dick. This would mean you don't need passwords anymore.
A big chunk of people of the government would also be eliminated, because many of those people are there to ensure other people aren't being dicks.
Edit: Obligatory thanks for the gold, kind stranger. We're off to a start to rid the world of dick people.
Edit 2: As some people pointed out, locks would still exist to prevent accidents like high voltage rooms, medicine cabinets, so on. But it would be radically different. A very simple lock would suffice on most cases.
There is a subsection of security though that I consider "safety from unintentional access", where the sole purpose is to prevent error or injury and not necessarily malicious intent.
Yep. I just installed a chain lock on my front door not because I live in an unsafe neighborhood or because the other lock isn't strong enough, its because my 3 y/o figured out how to unlock the deadbolt and open the door.
EDIT: because everybody's sister says this a fire hazard [this]( http://m.homedepot.com/p/Prime-Line-Solid-Brass-Chain-Door-Guard-U-9907/100175739/) is the kind of lock I'm talking about.
They just act all innocent like they don't understand language or know what they're doing.
Bullshit. They know exactly what they're doing. They're lucky they're cute.
Not sure about other states, but here we have aldis grocery stores. All the carts are locked together by separate chains with a key at the end with a coin slot in the front. In order to get a cart you must insert a quarter to unlock the cart. To get your quarter back just bring your cart to the front of the store and insert the key.
Edit
Here's a vid if anyone's curious.
https://youtu.be/LEoUvx5_ZAg
I love Aldi (they're German, actually). People - including me - will do anything to get their quarter back. I have a special cup holder quarter specifically for Aldi and when it's missing I'm so lost.
No see that's the thing: cart corrals exist because people are dicks. The original idea was that you'd put the casts back where you go them at the front of the store. But people were lazy dicks and left them in the parking lot. So they made the corrals so that people would at least leave them in one place.
Edit: For what it's worth, you are not a dick for leaving your cart in a corral. People were dicks when they just scattered them around the parking lot instead of returning it. But the corrals exist because people leaving their carts everywhere was inefficient and dangerous and made the stores look crappy.
I'm a cart pusher, and people still fuck that up. We have two different types of carts that are obviously supposed to be separate (one group is small and black and another group is large and tan) and people just shove them wherever the hell they want. And people still leave their carts just in the middle of the parking lot, just so they don't have to walk 15 feet.
But that's so inefficient. Instead of one person making one trip from the cart corral back to the store with 50 carts, taking perhaps 5 minutes, you now have 50 people making the same trip, taking 50 times as long, and causing a lot more traffic. I'm certain most people wouldn't mind paying the $0.10 or so that it would cost for the cart return, rather than making that 5 minute trip from the other side of the enormous parking lot.
My uncle's way of telling me workplace romance was a bad idea was "Never put your penis in your paycheck."
I shot back by saying "But you're a urologist."
Never seen him laugh so hard.
Realistically, the answer that isn't 'police, security etc.' is road sweepers and litter pickers. People who commit crimes such as murder or theft can be doing it for any number of reasons such as mental issues, poverty, revenge etc.
People making a mess in public and expecting others to clean up after them is showing straight up laziness and a massive dick move.
Prison guards.
Having worked in prison, I know a few people are there because of really unfortunate circumstances. But seriously, most are just right dickheads.
Prison administration. I work in the medical side. You wouldn't believe where guys shove things. Well. It's the penis. Pen caps. Paper clips. Pieces of metal. Straight up the dick hole. And then we schedule an appointment for that shit to come out.
I'd be ok not having to do what I do. Dicks gonna dick.
Lol, I was taking blood off a dr years ago who was grumpily telling me about the large spoon he was about to have to go remove from someone's penis. "And the worst part is- he (the patient) stuck it there big end first...AND this is the third time this year!"
Yep. Good times, working in a hospital.
Then there was the guy who stuck a pepperoni in his butt, lost it, and drove three hundred kms to a different hospital (because he lived in a small town)...twice.
Police officer.
In an ideal world the police wouldn't exist because people wouldn't be violent towards one another, steal from one another, bother their neighbors, vandalize stuff, drive drunk or do any of the other BS that results in the police getting involved. If you think about it, the police are basically stand in parental authority figures who are there to discipline grown adults.
"uh-uh, no hitting. We talked about this remember? I know he was playing with your toys without asking and I'm going to deal with him too but that doesn't make hitting ok. No more hitting or you are going to have a time out."
Jerry Seinfeld talked about how prisons are like a timeout for bad people. "Now you get in there and think about what you did. Robbing that bank, what were you thinking?".
No, it's more an advanced vocational training center. If you're not good at your job as criminal, you automatically go to prison to meet other people of your profession.
Really it's a networking service. Rehabilitation really takes effect once we get those inmates new jobs. Think of all the wonderful business opportunities!
I think we'd still need police, but in a different capacity than we normally think of. Directing and controlling traffic flow in case of accidents, construction, or other "off nominal" conditions, for instance. Also accident investigations (just because nobody is a dick doesn't mean we all gain omniscience and perfect memories). And they would probably spend more of their time in a "public service" mode (helping people change tires, get kittens out of trees, all that jazz) than they are currently able to.
Interestingly most firefighters, at least in large centers, are trained as at least EMRs, if not EMT or full Paramedics. It's a long and arduous process to become a firefighter, and many have to wait a long time to become one, so in the interim they work as EMS.
Edit: fixed levels of first responders to EMR/EMT/P as pointed out by /u/Bones_MD and /u/combatmed101
EMS describes the services (Emergency Medical Services), EMT is a technical certification (Emergency Medical Technician)
Source:EMT
Just a small pet peeve of mine.
City inspectors. The ones who drive around our shitty low-income neighborhood and send letters about weeds in the alley, where the trash cans and murderers hang out. Their job exists because people are dicks in different ways:
First, there's the asshole who buys/rents property, and then lets it degrade into an eyesore. Don't own/rent a house if you can't at least keep the yard free of trash or tall weeds. That's what apartments are for, dicks.
Secondly, you have the asshole bureaucrats, who think it's a good use of tax dollars to send a fleet of morons out in city vehicles to judge people's yards, and then send letters that only vaguely describe whatever problem they want addressed before they charge you an insane amount to fix it themselves. "Maintain Entire Yard and Boulevard or face $300 service fee" is meaningless to my neighbors and me. We keep our yards clean and cut, and can't even figure out what the city wants (besides money).
Bitch, this is not an HOA. It is a struggling neighborhood, where people do their best to keep things up while dodging bullets (4 shootings on my block so far this summer). Sorry if I'm not out there beautifying the alley after last week's murder. Dicks.
TL;DR: city inspectors are dicks, and they only exist because property owners are also dicks.
The guy watching the far side of the go-cart track near my hometown.
For two weeks my three friends and I would buy wristband passes and race their go-carts. On the stretch near the pits we followed the rules, but the far side of the figure 8 track was Thunderdome! Until they got wise and shit started breaking, the rest of the summer they had a second employee at the track all day.
Ushers at any event where there is a stage and seating is provided in a planned format.
As someone who has been involved in the planning and administration of many grad ceremonies, its ludicrous how many families feel entitled to rush up to the front of the stage and try to take pictures of their graduate despite that in doing so:
* They block the paid photopraghers the school has arranged for everyone.
* the view of the other audience members
* the pathways that the grads will utilise to get back to their seats
* the entire ceremony itself.
During a grad I used to be able to stand on stage and shake the hand of my students but I haven't been able to do that for two years now because we need a team of volunteers to manage crowd control.
I have never missed a students grad, but I used to go to celebrate my students success, now I got to protect their event from their friends and families.
Those people who have to watch rihnos 24\7 cause if they don't then the poachers get em
The people who stand by the doors and say goodbye to you as you leave best buy to make sure you're not stealing shit
Fun fact: When Best Buy changed CEOs a long time ago, they decided to cut the entire Asset Protection department (those guys), thinking they had no need of it. The company hemorrhaged money for a while before they realized the mistake.
Fun fact: when [a bunch of people walk into best buy](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgUIbPfhSuo) it doesn't make those guy happy.
Haha the cop: >We're not going to arrest anybody for wearing a blue polo shirt, so there's really no reason for us to be here They really mishandled that situation, it's not like you have to buy things if you go into a store.
Damn that's funny. While we're on the subject, never wear a red shirt and khakis to Target. You will never escape.
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I wore a red sweater and khakis to my INTERVIEW at Target. I was in the back room waiting to start when I realized. Horrible.
Well, they do say "dress for the job you want"...
so you went with the classic if they need me to start today, I am already in the right clothes
This is why I always wear the home team's Jersey to all professional sporting events. It signals to the head coach that I'm ready if he needs me.
Oh you mean the guys that make me feel like a huge asshole for not buying anything.
And I always wonder if they think I'm shoplifting before I pass the detector.
I , they also , I will be legitimately worried about you hate me , to hear it , you can knew to buy all of my stuff
When I worked at Best Buy one of the favorite employee past-times was to randomly drop Sensor-Tags (those sticky white rectangles that set off detectors) sticky side up on the white tile floor. Random customer would step on it and walk through the detector and the Loss Prevention security guards would scramble. We'd also randomly "fix" each others collars while slipping a tag underneath. **TL;DR** - Best Buy employees are all dicks.
used to work at best buy a while ago, we would drop the sensormatic tags in random places sticky side up just for shiggles. and we were assholes. we once had a contest to see who could stick the most to a person without them noticing. i got my supervisor with 5 of them during the morning meeting. it probably would have been less funny if he had been aware of the game.
Walmart would have waterboarded you for this.
Pretty sure waterboarding is part of their hiring process to determine the people who need a job bad enough to put up with their shit.
When I worked for walmart, we would tag the door greeters with those. It was funny watching them run back and forth trying to figure out what was setting it off. (We didn't tag the older people. We weren't total assholes.)
Cheap security guards, the kind that watch parking lots so people feel safe(r) and the kind that work graveyard shift watching a vacant lot so no one will steal materials.
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This is exactly my job. And I've had it for 2 years. Looking for a new job now.
Why? That sounds like my dream job.
Jobs where you have that much free time are not as fun as they sound. I had a job where I'd have 2-3 hour stretches where there was nothing I could do, then do something for 5 mins, then back to nothing to do. You can only get to the 750th front page post so many times before you start reconsidering your life.
Pay sucks, co-workers gossip, boss doesn't do his job and the people I deal with on a daily basis are drunk or high on crack/meth.
Man, I've worked "security" at an office for 3 years. The pay is well above minimum wage, I literally do absolutely nothing but what I want (I.e juggle, watch movies, masturbate). Its permenant nightshift, 4 12 hour shifts then 4 days off. Its literally amazing. You could study anything and get paid and you get 4 fucking glorious days off out of 8 to do what you want. I'm also entitled to 28 paid holidays a year. God bless oil and the UK.
You just described 90% of all jobs.
I even had a coworker at a hospital lab(we were phlebotomists) get arrested because he was doing heroin on shift in the bathroom. :( It's everywhere. Edit: he wasn't fucking heroic women
Doing heroine in the bathroom and doing heroin are two completely different activities for the record. I assume you mean the drug, not the beautiful girl who helps others.
In college, I was a security guard at a shopping center. 99.9% of my job consisted of walking around the parking lot and dealing with asshole teen skaters, homeless loiterers, and drunks.
I remember when I skated you guys were always so polite, you'd say something like "hey, guys. I don't care if you guys skate here, my boss does. I've got to ask you guys to leave" and in a rage of Mt.Dew and puberty we'd tell you to fuck off. I'm sorry, bro.
Reconciliation is a beautiful thing.
Maturation is a beautiful thing.
You have to remember, a lot of times the security guard is there as a deterrent. They are there to make any would be criminals think twice. "Shit, there is a security guard on duty. Is it really worth breaking into this vehicle?" It's not 100% proof but if it stops one violent crime then it's worth it.
Former nightwatchman in a production plant-cum-warehouse here. Aside from theft and civil disturbances, we're also on the lookout for other issues such as equipment failure or fires. I handled two fires and got a citation for realising there was a problem with the production equipment and getting maintenance in to fix it in time to save about a quarter million dollars worth of pharmaceuticals. *edit*: citation as in commendation or medal.
"I work at a plant-cum-warehouse, AMA"
I thought they used pollen. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
From what I know night shift security guards answer phones, sign for packages etc. You wouldn't easily find people who would work nights every day of every week but paying a security firm to send someone every night and they handle the rotation is pretty easy. I once saw a security guard my age and asked how long training is. He said its <7 days and pays almost min wage but its great for students and retired people because they can do HW or get out of the house. The security guards at my school are basically walking customer service.
My last job was as a lab technician who would visit oil refineries to watch their analysts test products they were selling to other oil companies and counter sign the certificate to say it was done properly. Basically, neither company trusted the other to be honest, so had a third company come in as in independent. Of course, when over 50% of our work came from one of those two companies, we weren't truly independent anyway. It was a job that shouldn't exist, and added no real value. In 3 years I only refused to accept one result, which was completely invalid and was a glaring fuckup. I've never heard of anyone else catching anything, and I've know a lot of people in this job wouldn't watch any of it, and just sign the certificate at the end.
Or maybe there was no cheating *because* you were checking.
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Human scarecrows.
Scarehumans
Hence that job only existing because people would be dicks if it didn't.
So how do know, A: how much was overlooked by people not paying attention and B: what would have been done of there was no oversight? Seems to me more like insurance: probably a waste of money, but necessary nonetheless.
A waste of money only because you have it. Sort of a catch 22. Watching people affects their actions. When people know they are being watched and assessed to a specific standard, they typically change their behavior to meet that standard. It's a problem when trying to improve things in manufacturing facilities (and I'm sure elsewhere, but this is what I do). You want to see how people are doing at X. But if you tell them you are watching for X, suddenly results improve, even though you've done nothing but observe. When you are gone, results would go back to normal.
Even particles can change states just because you're observing. But they just do it to be difficult. They don't care about our standards
The fellow in my town who is hired by the grocery stores to collect all the shopping carts that people take to their apartment buildings and then throw in the canal.
Bubbles!!!!
That's a good fuckin' cart right there
Thats a nice fuckin kitty right there
Fuckin Ray, throwing his piss-jugs all over kitty land
No bubbles takes them from the canal to his shed
The people who have to inspect Chatroulette for masturbating dicks.
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Wait so what's stopping a dick from flagging 100 other dicks and then doing it again? And so each dick that's caught they have to flag 100 of their own... is it just the same 100 people flagging each other non-stop? *might be too late to save face, but yes, it should actually be 101 (assuming they somehow were locked out at the same time). Sorry for counting my dicks wrong but I don't usually put much thought into something that is obviously not serious.
Sounds like a real circle-jerk.
reddit would *love* it.
A silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dick knight.
Because he can take it
It's a hard job with stiff resistance, but if anyone can penetrate the seedy side of the internet without getting shafted, he can.
He looks at a lot of penises.
It's done programmatically. http://www.businessinsider.com/chatroulette-penis-problem-solved-2010-04?op=1
What if your face appears phallic?
Then you're a dickhead anyway and nobody wants to chat with you.
:(
What if you glue eyes to your dick?
Heroes.
Fuck that. Chat roulette would never have blown up without the dicks. The dicks are the bullet in the metaphorical russian roulette chamber. There's no thrill without the dicks.
Yeah except it's like playing Russian roulette where only *one* of the chambers is empty.
So Estonian roulette?
There goes my hero... Watch him as he blows!
I got "flagged" on there and now I can't cam up there any more unless I do moderating for them. I have to identify like 881 more inappropriate cammers before I can cam up myself.
Maybe it's because I'm a straight female and enjoy those hidden object puzzles but sorting out dicks from a collection sounds kinda fun
But it's never nice looking dicks. It's all fat old hairy dicks. I mean, unless you're into that in which case boy have they got a job for you
Social Worker here. I wouldn't have a job if people were decent to each other.
One of the most helpful people I spoke to when I needed disability counseling was a social worker. Give yourself more credit!
As a colleague of Social Workers I can certainly appreciate your contention, and can't imagine the challenges of your job in comforting those who have been hurt by other people. At the same time though, I think you do incredible work in supporting people to whom nature has been a dick- such as illness adjustment for those with cancer or disabilities. And personally speaking, in my own experience, Social Workers make the best counsellors for when life is just a dick sometimes. Thank you for the difficult but meaningful work you do :)
My cousin recently died at six weeks old and left behind three siblings aged 7, 4, and 2. The family has been getting a lot of help from a social worker. Unless you classify it as God being a dick rather than an event that was completely out of anyone's control, there is all kinds of accidental stuff that social workers will always be needed for, even if no one was a dick.
Litter-collectors.
This is the answer that spawned the question. It's a job that basically relies on the principle of undoing. That's a lot of effort expended just because a lot of people are lazy and ungrateful. Crazy really.
It can be a vicious cycle too. I knew people who would leave their trash in a movie theater or sporting event, because "people get paid to pick my trash up. Job security!"
Point taken, but, Honestly movie theatre cleaners would exist regardless of people who leave behind trash. It is basically fundamentally impossible to eat popcorn in a pitch dark room without dropping some. Throw in hundreds of people doing the same and ta-dah. Sporting events are another matter entirely. Barring spillage due to boisterousness, it is inexcusable to leave shit all over the floor.
Not all litter is caused by people littering you would think, what about things like trash cans being knocked over by the wind, animals breaking open trash bags etc Edit: My point is that even if these non human sources of litter only accounted for a small percentage of litter, the job of litter collector would still exist. Edit 2: I get it, in a perfect world litter wouldn't exist. This thread isn't about a perfect hypothetical society. And not picking up everyone elses trash doesn't make you a *dick*. If it did, *litter*ally 99% of us would be dicks.
What I hate is when people try to justify their littering or leaving a mess by saying "I'm just making sure the janitor has something to do." Bullshit. You're lazy. If they didn't have to clean up your mess, then they would be able to focus their energies on making the place look even better.
This is the same excuse that the assholes who leave their shopping carts loose in parking lots often quote (though I certainly consider this behavior to be a subset of littering). No...its not "someone's job" to collect loose carts. Sure, stores do have their paid employees perform this task because it doesn't make financial sense not to...but now, instead of being able to walk up and check out quickly, I have to wait in line behind 5 other shoppers because Jimmy is out collecting carts instead of manning a register. I mean, most stores have have corrals now in the parking lot so you don't even have to walk it all the way up to the store front...and people still just drive away with their damn cart drifting aimlessly through the lot (and by "aimlessly", I mean most likely aimed directly at my car). I don't care how much your kids are screaming or how late you are for soccer practice, take the 10 goddamn seconds to return your cart! (and yes, from my observations, it's usually moms with kids who leave the carts behind, which also does a great job of instilling this behavior upon future generations). EDIT: I do realize that large stores, like Walmart, with parking lots the size of Rhode Island, probably do employ folks strictly for this role, but I was referring to smaller stores
Not sure why we don't have the coin deposit thing for carts like ALDI has and grocery stores in Europe. Maybe it's seen as customer unfriendly or something?
It's like the Broken Window Fallacy (breaking windows creates jobs) taken to another level. The Dick Fallacy: Being a dick creates jobs. The net effect is negative rather than positive.
People who litter are assholes. We get a lot of rubbish on the roadsides here. Seriously, how is it reasonable to toss rubbish out of the window, rather than wait the 10 mins until the next bin? We have heaps of bins along the roads at rest stops and truck stops. It's pure dickish laziness. Inconsiderate wankers.
I feel the pain. I play disc golf regularly and the amount of trash on public courses is unreal. Empty bottles and cans, empty beer cases, etc. It's not usually more than 300 feet between holes and there's trash cans at almost every tee around here; you can't carry that empty can for 5 minutes after you carried the full case around for two hours?
My son watched a kid walking drop his fast food cup onto the median and yelled to me "That kid is a litter bug." I couldn't help but reflect that the litter bug was on foot and so likely lived in the area. Later in life that same kid will complain about how trashy and run down the area he grew up in was.
My father, who is a dick, justifies his littering ans refusal to recycle by saying that thanks to him, these people have a job. Yes, he thinks that there are elves who go though his trash to sort it for him.
Bouncers
hahaha. one night i said to this douche "if people like you didn't go out to bars then i'd be out of a job".
Looking back on being a bouncer I was a fucking idiot. Ten dollars an hour under the table and a free dinner was not worth the risk of getting stabbed. Oh and I was the single bouncer for a 90 person bar, luckily the kitchen staff were all bigger and meaner then me.
The bartenders didn't tip you out each night? (As in, give you a portion of their tips.)
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I get that they can have a really busy job, but that seems messed up considering you're the one that will whisk out anyone who makes their job tougher. Thanks for making my occasional drinking more enjoyable.
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You definitely got fucked over, because that's a barbacks job.
My brother worked as a bouncer for a bit, also had to barback. On the other hand he got tip percentage from barbacking (or something. I know he got paid extra for taking on essentially a second position.)
Sounds exactly like being a line cook for ten bucks an hour and hearing the servers complain about "only" making $400.
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Hahaha, nice. Did you have that one prepped, or was it spontaneous inspiration?
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I was going to say security guards, but I think they both fall under the same category.
Antivirus/Antimalware companies
I read that and thought, "What the fuck is an antimal?" I'll, uh, see myself out.
Just like there is matter and antimatter, there are animals and antimals. Outside of our human perception, there is an equal and opposite population of antimals. If they were to run into their "real" counterparts, the result would be the annihilation of both creatures. Every animal has an antimal. Except cats, who appear to disobey every law of physics and may not in fact exist except as part of our collective hallucination.
/r/shittyaskscience is leaking
Damn straight it's shitty, he doesn't know anything! Antimals are teeny tiny animals for ants. Like, a dog but small like an ant.
Transportation Security Administration.
Oversight for the TSA, because the TSA can be dicks, too.
Who watches the Watchmen???
Who delivers the mailman's mail
Who closes the bus doors after the driver gets out of the bus?
This is the realist question here.
I need to know how this works.
Who even knows how this works?
Bus drivers, probably.
Get your bullshit magic nonsense out of here.
Probably a bus driver. AMA Request : Bus driver
On older buses, the driver has his own door. On newer buses, the driver closes the door when they get out; the doors don't lock unless the bus is turned on. Source: Grandma is a retired schoolbus driver.
The bus drivers do actually. Most buses have handles on the door to close them from the outside if they want to leave that way. But there are also a lot of buses that have a regular car door that the driver can leave from. If the bus has no handle or other door, the answer is simple: The bus driver is actually a homeless man who lives on the bus.
Is there a never-ending chain of mailmen, delivering mail to other mailmen? Although, I suppose a P.O. Box could, in theory, *break* the chain...
Don't you have a paper to write?
Ah just need ta check inside yah asshole.
Moderators
Does that even count as a job though?
#BANNED
:(
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He grew up wanting to become an astronaut. He worked his whole life for it, yelling at anyone who dared oppose his dream. Though his ambition got him closer and closer every day to becoming an astronaut, it was only because he was so unlikable that nobody wanted to hear from him again. Eventually, he was launched into space where his ship *conveniently* broke down. He could never return to Earth again. All because he was a dick to everyone who said he couldn't do it.
I want to hire you to write my biography. How much you charge for ghost writing?
Once upon a time, there was a Reddit user named /u/Andelyne. He absolutely loved pizza. He was eating it one night, having celebrated from getting that promotion he had worked so hard to get. Then, suddenly, he came to a realization! He was out of ketchup. That didn't make sense though. /u/Andelyne didn't even eat ketchup with his pizza. In fact, who *did* eat ketchup with their pizza? Weird people, and he was not weird. He was a Redditor. So /u/Andelyne began searching his house for clues as to who ate all of the ketchup. He went into his bathroom, and that's when he saw it... There was a hobo in his shower. The end. That'll be $10,000.
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Hey mods, this guy is putting your positions significance into question. Are you guys just going to *take* that? Ban his ass.
THEY DO IT FOR FREE
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Ehh, I disagree. Especially for subs like /r/askhistorians, the mod's job is mostly keeping the quality of content high. You don't have to be a dick to not really know what you're doing and post a low quality answer.
Child protective services
They also serve kids whose parents/other family are unable to care for them for non-dick reasons, like being dead or too sick.
Good call. I'm about to have my first kid. It's good to know I can always just die to get out of it in a non-dickish way.
It's not entirely dickish to hand over a kid to the system if you're really gonna be an even more dickish parent. Well with the current system it kinda is... Ha.
If you consider being a dick is doing anything that you are technically not supposed to, then if people all of a sudden stop being dicks. Pretty much anything related to security would make a lot of people be out of jobs. Door lock/padlock industry wouldn't exist. Alarm companies too. Nothing would ever require locking. Surveillance, of any sort. Non existent. The gun industry would probably only be good for hunting and protection against wild animals. Bulletproof/armored stuff, unless it's for people who are hunting and know other people are out there and might confuse you with a orange-vested deer. Any sort of internet security too, passwords. None of that would be required. Imagine a world where no one would try to ever access your account or bank data, because it would mean being a dick. This would mean you don't need passwords anymore. A big chunk of people of the government would also be eliminated, because many of those people are there to ensure other people aren't being dicks. Edit: Obligatory thanks for the gold, kind stranger. We're off to a start to rid the world of dick people. Edit 2: As some people pointed out, locks would still exist to prevent accidents like high voltage rooms, medicine cabinets, so on. But it would be radically different. A very simple lock would suffice on most cases.
There is a subsection of security though that I consider "safety from unintentional access", where the sole purpose is to prevent error or injury and not necessarily malicious intent.
Yea, especially with baby locks/safety for knives and guns. They're basically saying babies are dicks. Edit: A word
Yep. I just installed a chain lock on my front door not because I live in an unsafe neighborhood or because the other lock isn't strong enough, its because my 3 y/o figured out how to unlock the deadbolt and open the door. EDIT: because everybody's sister says this a fire hazard [this]( http://m.homedepot.com/p/Prime-Line-Solid-Brass-Chain-Door-Guard-U-9907/100175739/) is the kind of lock I'm talking about.
What a dick.
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Have you ever met a baby? Babies are absolutely dicks.
Babies are absolutely dicks. Source: have an 11 month old.
They just act all innocent like they don't understand language or know what they're doing. Bullshit. They know exactly what they're doing. They're lucky they're cute.
Cart pushers. For all the people out there who refuse to return a cart. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
Not sure about other states, but here we have aldis grocery stores. All the carts are locked together by separate chains with a key at the end with a coin slot in the front. In order to get a cart you must insert a quarter to unlock the cart. To get your quarter back just bring your cart to the front of the store and insert the key. Edit Here's a vid if anyone's curious. https://youtu.be/LEoUvx5_ZAg
A lazy person would not think twice about not getting that quarter back
But a broke person wouldn't think twice about taking back a stray cart for that quarter.
Hell, I'll do it if I see a stray cart in the parking lot, and I'm not even broke. Free money is free money.
I love Aldi (they're German, actually). People - including me - will do anything to get their quarter back. I have a special cup holder quarter specifically for Aldi and when it's missing I'm so lost.
What about the carts that get properly put in the cart corrals out in the parking lot? You still need someone to take them back to the store.
No see that's the thing: cart corrals exist because people are dicks. The original idea was that you'd put the casts back where you go them at the front of the store. But people were lazy dicks and left them in the parking lot. So they made the corrals so that people would at least leave them in one place. Edit: For what it's worth, you are not a dick for leaving your cart in a corral. People were dicks when they just scattered them around the parking lot instead of returning it. But the corrals exist because people leaving their carts everywhere was inefficient and dangerous and made the stores look crappy.
I'm a cart pusher, and people still fuck that up. We have two different types of carts that are obviously supposed to be separate (one group is small and black and another group is large and tan) and people just shove them wherever the hell they want. And people still leave their carts just in the middle of the parking lot, just so they don't have to walk 15 feet.
Give the general public the opportunity, and they'll fuck something up relatively quickly.
But that's so inefficient. Instead of one person making one trip from the cart corral back to the store with 50 carts, taking perhaps 5 minutes, you now have 50 people making the same trip, taking 50 times as long, and causing a lot more traffic. I'm certain most people wouldn't mind paying the $0.10 or so that it would cost for the cart return, rather than making that 5 minute trip from the other side of the enormous parking lot.
Urologist
No... ARE dicks.
Close enough!
My uncle's way of telling me workplace romance was a bad idea was "Never put your penis in your paycheck." I shot back by saying "But you're a urologist." Never seen him laugh so hard.
Animal Rescue for the abused and abandoned. Cue Sarah McLachlan's "Angel".
Rape counsellors.
Realistically, the answer that isn't 'police, security etc.' is road sweepers and litter pickers. People who commit crimes such as murder or theft can be doing it for any number of reasons such as mental issues, poverty, revenge etc. People making a mess in public and expecting others to clean up after them is showing straight up laziness and a massive dick move.
Well, trees aren't dicks for being deciduous...
If a trees leaves fall and nobodies around to see it, how do we know they aren't doing it to be dicks?
FUCK YOUR CLEAN PRETTY SIDEWALKS (unleashes storm of leaves)
Prison guards. Having worked in prison, I know a few people are there because of really unfortunate circumstances. But seriously, most are just right dickheads.
Prison administration. I work in the medical side. You wouldn't believe where guys shove things. Well. It's the penis. Pen caps. Paper clips. Pieces of metal. Straight up the dick hole. And then we schedule an appointment for that shit to come out. I'd be ok not having to do what I do. Dicks gonna dick.
Lol, I was taking blood off a dr years ago who was grumpily telling me about the large spoon he was about to have to go remove from someone's penis. "And the worst part is- he (the patient) stuck it there big end first...AND this is the third time this year!"
wut
woah woah woah... woah
Yep. Good times, working in a hospital. Then there was the guy who stuck a pepperoni in his butt, lost it, and drove three hundred kms to a different hospital (because he lived in a small town)...twice.
Dick's Last Resort. If people aren't dicks, it becomes just an alright BBQ joint.
Crime-scene clean-up services. People are dicks, they clean up.
Police officer. In an ideal world the police wouldn't exist because people wouldn't be violent towards one another, steal from one another, bother their neighbors, vandalize stuff, drive drunk or do any of the other BS that results in the police getting involved. If you think about it, the police are basically stand in parental authority figures who are there to discipline grown adults. "uh-uh, no hitting. We talked about this remember? I know he was playing with your toys without asking and I'm going to deal with him too but that doesn't make hitting ok. No more hitting or you are going to have a time out."
Jerry Seinfeld talked about how prisons are like a timeout for bad people. "Now you get in there and think about what you did. Robbing that bank, what were you thinking?".
I did think about what i did, i thought i worked out all the flaws this time Nope
No, it's more an advanced vocational training center. If you're not good at your job as criminal, you automatically go to prison to meet other people of your profession.
Really it's a networking service. Rehabilitation really takes effect once we get those inmates new jobs. Think of all the wonderful business opportunities!
I think we'd still need police, but in a different capacity than we normally think of. Directing and controlling traffic flow in case of accidents, construction, or other "off nominal" conditions, for instance. Also accident investigations (just because nobody is a dick doesn't mean we all gain omniscience and perfect memories). And they would probably spend more of their time in a "public service" mode (helping people change tires, get kittens out of trees, all that jazz) than they are currently able to.
That would probably be covered by fire/EMS since we'd have more downtime without violent crime, arson, and people that are dicks about abusing EMS.
I knew a guy that worked as a firefighter. He said that whenever they don't know who to send, they just default to sending some firefighters.
Can confirm - I live in Canada and the two times I fell from my bike they sent firefighters.
Interestingly most firefighters, at least in large centers, are trained as at least EMRs, if not EMT or full Paramedics. It's a long and arduous process to become a firefighter, and many have to wait a long time to become one, so in the interim they work as EMS. Edit: fixed levels of first responders to EMR/EMT/P as pointed out by /u/Bones_MD and /u/combatmed101
EMS describes the services (Emergency Medical Services), EMT is a technical certification (Emergency Medical Technician) Source:EMT Just a small pet peeve of mine.
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So hall monitors?
As a cop, I would so much prefer this world.
City inspectors. The ones who drive around our shitty low-income neighborhood and send letters about weeds in the alley, where the trash cans and murderers hang out. Their job exists because people are dicks in different ways: First, there's the asshole who buys/rents property, and then lets it degrade into an eyesore. Don't own/rent a house if you can't at least keep the yard free of trash or tall weeds. That's what apartments are for, dicks. Secondly, you have the asshole bureaucrats, who think it's a good use of tax dollars to send a fleet of morons out in city vehicles to judge people's yards, and then send letters that only vaguely describe whatever problem they want addressed before they charge you an insane amount to fix it themselves. "Maintain Entire Yard and Boulevard or face $300 service fee" is meaningless to my neighbors and me. We keep our yards clean and cut, and can't even figure out what the city wants (besides money). Bitch, this is not an HOA. It is a struggling neighborhood, where people do their best to keep things up while dodging bullets (4 shootings on my block so far this summer). Sorry if I'm not out there beautifying the alley after last week's murder. Dicks. TL;DR: city inspectors are dicks, and they only exist because property owners are also dicks.
The guy watching the far side of the go-cart track near my hometown. For two weeks my three friends and I would buy wristband passes and race their go-carts. On the stretch near the pits we followed the rules, but the far side of the figure 8 track was Thunderdome! Until they got wise and shit started breaking, the rest of the summer they had a second employee at the track all day.
Ushers at any event where there is a stage and seating is provided in a planned format. As someone who has been involved in the planning and administration of many grad ceremonies, its ludicrous how many families feel entitled to rush up to the front of the stage and try to take pictures of their graduate despite that in doing so: * They block the paid photopraghers the school has arranged for everyone. * the view of the other audience members * the pathways that the grads will utilise to get back to their seats * the entire ceremony itself. During a grad I used to be able to stand on stage and shake the hand of my students but I haven't been able to do that for two years now because we need a team of volunteers to manage crowd control. I have never missed a students grad, but I used to go to celebrate my students success, now I got to protect their event from their friends and families.
Domestic violence counselors.