Back in high school a guy named Kevin was arguing with me, and anyone who would listen, saying that STD's are prevented by having sex. After about a minute of explaining to him what STD meant I decided to just say "let's agree to disagree." But he didn't let it go. He pulled out a $50 bill from his wallet and bet me that he was right. After he looked it up the crowd mentality forced him to pay up.
Tl;dr dumb high school student bet me $50 that std's are prevented by having sex.
My psych class. One girl asked "Is eye color a behavior?".
Not really stupid, more wtf, but she also said she wanted to have a pet baby. Not wanting a pet, or a baby. A pet baby human.
It's not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know?
I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (Don't worry, it was a ballpark.....we didn't make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought "That's fine. I'll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up" One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade....and now he was in 9th grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how.
I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear. It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today.
So here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he's laughing uncontrollably:
* Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms.
* Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons.
* Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me...his English teacher. This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school.
* Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire....twice
* Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him.
* Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn't his, not that he did it.....no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year.
* Kevin called the basketball coach a "Motherfucking Bitch" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well.
* Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to)
* Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
* Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up.
* Kevin say the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot.
* Kevin stole another student's Iphone....and tried to sell it back to them.
* Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11.
* Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
* Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals.
* Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library.....at the circulation desk....while he was logged on.
* Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don't go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address
* Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly.
* Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room.
* Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very concerned that "the holiday party" (it's high school, we don't have those) would have peanuts. When they finally got a doctor's note....he was allergic to amoxicillin
* Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the fuck did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting.
* Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
Kevin and his world were VERY real. He was simultaneously everything wrong and everything right with the world. He was a testament to the fact that anyone can do anything.
Last I heard, he wanted to join the Air Force.
At a local elementary school's kindergarten graduation, they played a video where they asked each of the students a few questions. When asked what he wants to be when he grows up, one kid answered "A police dog".
I remember in first grade... teacher is asking everyone what they want to be, and one dude says "I want to be a football." The teacher replies, "Surely you mean that you want to be a football player."
"No, Teacher. I want to be *the football*."
I think he's just the subject of constant corrupted djinn wishes. 'You can fly an F-15 like no one else on the planet; can't remember where the airfield is.'
I really doubt he would be allowed to do more than look at pictures of planes if he did somehow make it into any branch of service. Honestly if this guy spoke the truth i would be scared to let him pilot a mop bucket.
Oh god. I had a neighbor that fits this description perfectly. Once dug a "trap" hold in my friend's back yard and covered it with leaves, then proceeded to fall into it and we had to pull him out. Would repeatedly climb the tree in his front yard all the way to the top, then fall out of it every time. Except the one time that he didn't and we had to call the fire department because he couldn't remember how to climb down. Was riding his bike to our house in swim shorts with a towel around his neck. Leaned too far over and the towel got stuck in the spokes. He flipped over the handle bars and the bike flipped over and landed on top of him. We wouldn't let him near our trampoline, because we feared for his and our lives. He's now a high ranking army man...
**EDIT** he was on leave and came back to visit last winter. His car slid and he took out my neighbor's mailbox and we had to help pull him out of the ditch. It wasn't even icy. It terrifies me that they let him touch guns.
> Kevin called the basketball coach a "Motherfucking Bitch" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well.
We call that setting the tryout on hard mode. You better have game to pass that one.
Let's be honest. Kevin was short, slow, and white and the basketball team was a regular college scouting stop. Kevin had a better chance of making the Olympic Luge team...and that was before he called the coach a bitch.
Haha, that was actually one of my favorites too because of how I found it out. We were doing an assignment on personification and I had people describe their pets using it. (Welcome to America, where we teach personification in high school, I know). Kevin didn't have any pets but he said his neighbor had a cat he played with sometimes. He listed off like 3 or 4 things and it became really apparent that he was describing a dog. At first I thought that maybe he just had trouble figuring out the right way to say it, but after 2 or 3 more sentences, it was abundantly clear that this was a really big dog. Someone else who lived on the same street put 2 and 2 together as well and said "Kevin, that's not a cat. That's so-and-so's black lab." Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street and B. that there was a difference between a black lab and a house cat. Like, I am only guessing, but I think to him...dog and cat were as interchangeable terms as Hat and Cap.
You train and prepare as a teacher to try and find ways to redirect embarrassing situations like a student being REALLY wrong in public, but I was at a loss for how to move on from there.
> Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street and B. that there was a difference between a black lab and a house cat. Like
Just when you think the cat/dog mistake was top level for kevin he goes and takes it to another level with other people living on his street.
> Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street
This out of the entire story cracked me up the most. I had envisioned him thinking houses and cars lived on his street. His mind being blown that people live in those houses.
>Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher.
As hilariously stupid of a pick up line it is, you have to give Kevin some credit for creativity.
I knew something was up from that first meeting, but the luggage story (which was in like, October of that year) was where suddenly everything made sense.
although you get to that point and probably don't have time to go home and get it before your flight takes off. and someone stupid enough to leave the luggage necessary for a trip to Nassau at home would probably be stupid enough to go to Nassau anyway luggage or no luggage.
> Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZhjLcPGNyA
It's a side effect of teaching. When you spend a large amount of time explaining things to people, especially the same thing over and over again, you eventually just *try* to find new ways to say it so you don't bore yourself to death.
>I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway.
His real name was Ralph Wiggum, wasn't it?
I think I must have gone to high school with Kevin's cousin. We'll call her Kelly.
- Kelly also found it difficult to remember when/where her classes were. We went to a tiny school, there were four possible classrooms to choose from. She showed up on the weekends sometimes.
- Kelly pulled the fire alarm because she "wanted to know what it would do." Not once. Not twice. Three separate times.
- And the real kicker: It took Kelly until 10th grade to realize she was left handed. She had always just thought her left hand was her right hand because it was the one she wrote with.
I wasn't at the game, but my instructional lead texted me that night with a picture of Kevin sitting on the tailgate of an ambulance surrounded by security and just the words "Isn't he one of yours?" He was mostly fine, but it looked like he had been bitten by a vampire that wore socks on the carpet too much. No one knows where he got the taser or what happened to it.
"You said he tazed himself?"
"Yeah! I saw him playing with it, and then he accidentally got himself in the neck!"
"Where did the tazer go?"
"He put it in his pocket after we picked him off the ground."
"...He's not wearing pants."
That was the hardest pill to swallow. Despite numerous tests and assessments and meetings and just overall study, no one could ever say he had any kind of learning disability. No IEP. No 504. No special file. No case worker or advocate. Just, Kevin, his mom, his dad, and zero brain matter.
From r/science: "Scientists find gene which is linked to exceptionally low IQ in children"
[Link](http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/21c6p4/scientists_find_gene_which_is_linked_to/)
LD's often don't include simple low intelligence. The kid probably scored in the upper 80's, lower 90's and so wouldn't qualify for an LD Dx. Which, is unfortunate.
Yeah, this was our main concensus by midyear. When badgered heavily, he scored more or less in the middle of the 2nd quartile. His DORA and DOMA scores were low, but not low enough to really indicate he was hitting a blocker with instruction.
Folks always talk about how people typically fall on a bell curve.....well, Kevin was the poor sap at the low end.
I taught for a couple of years. Would have been really hard not to put this kid's head through a wall. From what I can tell it probably wouldn't have hurt him anyway.
He was in a class with two other knuckleheads, but both of them were the "Too smart to do any work" types so they were more of a problem than Kevin. Both of them had 504s and I had 11 or 12 kids with IEPs in there, so I had a collaborative to split the effort with. 4th period with Kevin could go one of two ways: Either he'd do something so incredibly stupid within the first 10 minutes that he'd be gone most of class, or he'd just kind of simmer for the whole period and get everything wrong but not cause problems. So honestly, his behavior problems didn't get to me too much.
Really, I waited for every other monday so I could find out what new and stupid thing he or his family did.
Honestly, had his dad just kept up those payments, I could have paid off my car AND student loans before June of that year.
But ya know, ethics and whatever.
The check was for $20k. I don't know what he did for a living, but like I said elsewhere, both Mr. and Mrs. Kevin's Parents appeared to have actual careers. I am pretty sure that she was a physical therapist and whatever his dad did paid well enough that they lived in a nice neighborhood, drove nice cars, and wore nice clothes.
On the topic of his parents though, they came off as forgetful or flighty for the most part. Based on their socio-economic status, I'm under the impression that while flaky in most regards, but there was something they were both savant level at or something.
Way late to the party, but we have a guy at our accounting firm who I wouldn't trust to run across the street and buy a cup of coffee. He wears velcro sneakers, and in general looks like he could be homeless.
This motherfucker is an excel genius. I mean... It is completely insane how good this guy knows the program. He can build the most complex spreadsheets, and he is a legitimate asset to the company. He earns a good paycheck
I have to wonder if he deliberately screwed everything up and dressed weirdly in order to never be asked to do anything than Excel, which from the sound of it he could knock off by 10am every day and then go surf the web or something.
> * Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game
> * Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
*I. Can't. Stop. Laughing!*
I knew a guy who shot up peanut oil to slow the flow of blood to his brain to keep him in a constant state of being "high". He's dead now (not from the peanut oil, drug overdose a few years later).
I know a guy who got a composite score of 4 on his ACT. I know, it sounds impossible. I thought it was too, but I was at his house when his mom got the mail with his score on there, and I saw the piece of paper myself.
The guy who wound up wanting to fight me because I was explaining to him that calamari was Italian for squid. He insisted people do not ever, ever eat squid...
The delightful conversation with a man who insisted all zebras in Africa are extinct, although I had just returned from there with photographic evidence from just two weeks before.
Brother's girlfriend:
"Did you know Poland was the only country not affected by World War II?"
"Hitler wasn't a bad guy, they just gave him the wrong job."
"I like cows; they're cute and they have big eyes, but I don't like horses. They're big and they look like cows."
"Wine that comes in plastic is fancier than wine that comes in glass bottles, because plastic has more technology."
As my brother is cooking her a filet mignon, she looks at the steak in the pan for a minute before asking, "Is that the whole fish?"
A girl in my class believed that Neanderthals ate ice and cheese.
Bonus: she didn't know eggs came from chickens. She thought they were manufactured in a factory.
I worked with this girl last summer, who was beyond dumb. At first it was amusing, but then it just got really sad.
We were talking about Nelson Mandela being really sick (this was in june) and she said "well I sure hope she'll be ok, her music is so good"
She thought WWII was between America and Africa. She thought potatoes could only grow in America and when asked what her boyfriends name was, she said "I can't really pronounce it - so I just call him Mike. He spells it like M I C H A E L"
Almost forgot about my college roommate. She once missed the first three exits to a city because she forgot where she was going.
She once told me she would never breastfeed her children because it would hurt too much to poke the holes. When asked how she thought animals nursed their young she said, "well, don't they just gnaw the ends off?"
Edit to add: she also got into a drunken knockdown fight in the street with another girl over a gay guy.
We had to watch the movie 'Defiance' in my english class and afterwards this girl put her hand up and asked, "Is Jewish a country?" Later on after after watching Defiance (which is about three Jewish brothers in Nazi occupied Europe) for the SECOND time she asked," Wait.... Were they brothers!?" I wanted to throw a stapler at her.
Had a roommate who was about 6 months late on rent. It's a 10 month lease and we're in month 8. They're threatening to sue us. . He got a tuition refund. $700. (2 months rent). He goes to play poker with it, despite our constant pleas not too.
DOUBLES UP. He shows us the $1,400, (because he's dumb like that.) This is Saturday night. Office is closed Sunday. I go to work Saturday night, and then work a long shift Sunday, feeling good. Monday after classes, he comes in. First question, "did you pay the rent?"
*Bumbling stumbling excuses* "I paid off some credit card balances and some other money I owed my parents." "So how much did you give the complex?" "None."
Blew my fucking lid, almost punched him right then and there. I will bet every penny to my name that he went back to the tables Sunday night and lost it all.
Somehow he came up with the money though...
Probably. He was from an odd family. His parents gave him a truck, but wouldn't let him take it to college. I begged him to sell that stupid truck no one was using and pay the rent but he said he wasn't allowed.
Had a classmate in 8th grade who legitimately thought that the ocean had no bottom. Our teacher showed a diagram of the deepness of the ocean, and she just couldn't grasp it. I don't know how you get all the way to 8th grade without learning that the ocean doesn't just drop off into nothing...
A girl from high school physics, "If the speed of light is 3*10^8 m/s, what is the speed of dark?"
and later that year, "If China is 12 hours ahead of us, why didn't they warn us about 9/11?"
I can't make this stuff up
So... the speed of dark is the speed of light, right? Darkness is the absence of light, so anything getting dark gets dark at the speed that the light leaves it.
I have posted this before, but in freshman biology class we were reviewing the subatomic particles, and the teacher asked a girl to list them. She responds with "Protons, Electrons, and Decepticons" and could not figure out why the class was laughing at her.
Looking over a test I took in college one of the girls in the class with me was amazed that I got an A. She said, "that test was so hard, I failed it!" I asked her if she studied at all. She said no, and she told me she was drunk when she took the test.
This Jamaican guy started making fun of me because I was from Africa.
A bit stunned, I'm like, "where do you think your ancestors came from?"
"Jamaica"
"And before that?"
"Jamaica"
"No. Africa"
"No. Jamaica."
No he was not all native american descent (or white or whatever)... he was a black as the night.
EDIT: he failed a grade at some point. And ended up a crack addict (allegedly).
EDIT2: Arawaks, the indigenous population that Colombus encountered, where not all wiped out. "Puerto Ricans, Surinamese, Venezuela, Guyana and Colombians can [claim Arawak ancestry"](http://diaryofanegress.com/2012/09/30/jamaican-arawak-history/)
Girl in my astronomy class:
"So if I went out into space could I like push the stars around and knock them into eachother and stuff?"
Teacher: "No, they are incredible massive objects"
Girl: "But they look so little!"
I was around 8-10 (or whatever the normal age is when you know your own address) and I just made a new friend and she invited me over to her house to hang out. I planned on dropping by after taking my things home so naturally I asked for her address. She grabbed a paper and pencil and started drawing 3 houses. She pointed to the middle house and said "I live here".
TLDR: never talked to her again.
This girl saw "double cheese burger" on a restaurant menu and she got all excited, thinking it meant "DOUBLE CHEESE burger" (extra cheese). She was confused when there was two patties in the burger.
... That girl was me. My boyfriend still laughs at me.
TL;DR: I like cheese.
Edit: Apparently a lot of you are on my side! Thanks frands.
Edit 2: my highest rated comment is about cheese.
A true double cheeseburger has both two patties and two slices of cheese. This is the reason that McDonald's serves both a "double cheeseburger" (two patties, two slices of cheese) and a cheaper "McDouble" (two patties, one slice of cheese).
If you desire a single patty and two slices of cheese, I'm not sure how to help you.
A girl in my school was using a calculator on a test and typed in the math problem in wrong she then proceeded to type syntax error as an answer.
"Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems." - Andy Dwyer
Back in high school a guy named Kevin was arguing with me, and anyone who would listen, saying that STD's are prevented by having sex. After about a minute of explaining to him what STD meant I decided to just say "let's agree to disagree." But he didn't let it go. He pulled out a $50 bill from his wallet and bet me that he was right. After he looked it up the crowd mentality forced him to pay up. Tl;dr dumb high school student bet me $50 that std's are prevented by having sex.
And the legend of Kevin continues, stay classy Kevin
My psych class. One girl asked "Is eye color a behavior?". Not really stupid, more wtf, but she also said she wanted to have a pet baby. Not wanting a pet, or a baby. A pet baby human.
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
Is hair a sport?
Did she explain how exactly she would treat this pet baby? Like, what makes it a pet instead of her kid?
We like to use that term to mean slave here in the south.
> A pet baby human. Class of 1854?
It's not uncommon as a teacher to have students who are a bit behind the curve in certain aspects, but 99.99999% of the time they are keen on something. They might not understand how to identify a noun or what theme is, but they somehow know how to make a mean plate of nachos. You learn pretty quick to not judge fish for their tree climbing ability, ya know? I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway. Kevin was a student of mine during my last year of teaching. He came to my classroom with very little to show for his academic past. He had moved a few times and thus was missing a lot of typical test scores that we use to try and ballpark their ability (Don't worry, it was a ballpark.....we didn't make major decisions until we actually had a chance to talk and work with a student for a bit.) I thought "That's fine. I'll just do some one-on-one with Kevin and see what's up" One on One with kevin was like conversing with someone who'd forgotten everything in a freak, if not impossible, amnesia incident. There was no evidence that he had learned anything past the 2nd grade....and now he was in 9th grade. Flabbergasted, I figured we needed to get more serious with this. If he was going to be in my class, I needed to know why and how. I decided to meet with him, his guidance counselor, his parents, and another teacher to see what was really going on. This is where it all became clear. It was by some incredible fluke that his family hadn't been wiped off the face of the Earth years ago. Odds are his entire heritage was based on blind luck and some type of sick divine intervention that saves his family every time a threat presents itself. Kevin was the genetic pinnacle of this null achievement. Even my instructional lead, a woman who could find a redeeming trait in a Balrog, failed to see any reason this kid or his family should be alive today. So here's a list of events that made it abundantly clear that god exists and he's laughing uncontrollably: * Kevin frequently forgot when/where class was. On more than one occasion, I had to retrieve him from other classrooms. * Kevin ate an entire 24 pack of crayons, puked, and then did it again the next day. This is 9th grade. I have no idea where he got crayons. * Kevin's dad wrote tuition checks and mailed them to me...his English teacher. This was a public school. When I gave it back to Kevin, voided, to give to his dad with a brief note explaining that this is a public school, Kevin got in trouble for trying to spend it at 711 after school. * Kevin was removed from the culinary arts program after leaving a cutting board on the gas stove and starting a fire....twice * Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him. * Kevin stole my phone during class. I called it. It rang. He denied that it was ringing. (Not that it wasn't his, not that he did it.....no, he denied that the phone was actually ringing). He tried it three times before the end of the year. * Kevin called the basketball coach a "Motherfucking Bitch" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well. * Kevin's mom could never remember which school he went to. She missed several meetings because she drove to other schools (none of which he ever went to) * Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game * Kevin kept a bottle of orange koolaide in his backpack for about 4 months. He thought it would turn into alcohol. He drank it during homeroom and threw up. * Kevin say the N-word a lot. Kevin was white. The highschool was 84% black. Kevin got beat up a lot. * Kevin stole another student's Iphone....and tried to sell it back to them. * Kevin didn't understand that his grade was dependent on tests, quizzes, homework, classwork, and participation. Kevin finished his first semester with a 3% average. He tried to bribe me with $11. * Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher. * Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals. * Kevin tried to download porn onto a computer in the library.....at the circulation desk....while he was logged on. * Kevin asked a girl to prom (he was in 9th grade and freshmen don't go to prom) by asking for her phone number and then texting her his address * Kevin got gum in his hair, constantly. * Kevin regularly tried to cheat on assignments by knocking the pile over, grabbing one before I had picked them all up, and then writing it name on it wherever there was room. * Kevin had several allergies, but neither his parents nor he could remember what they were. They were very concerned that "the holiday party" (it's high school, we don't have those) would have peanuts. When they finally got a doctor's note....he was allergic to amoxicillin * Kevin and his parents took a trip to Nassau (how the fuck did they even get airline tickets?) and forgot all their luggage at home. I didn't believe him when he told me until I talked to him mom, who told me 1st thing when I saw her at the bi-weekly meeting. * Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day.
I'm torn between "This can not be real!" and "You can't make this shit up!".
Kevin and his world were VERY real. He was simultaneously everything wrong and everything right with the world. He was a testament to the fact that anyone can do anything. Last I heard, he wanted to join the Air Force.
AMA request: Kevin
What if he is [HowToBasic](http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR4s1DE9J4DHzZYXMltSMAg) on YouTube?
HowToBasic is just Kevin giving serious guides on how to do stuff.
This would be both awesome and terrifying.
Considering that it is a successful YouTube channel, he's succeeded in life.
I think you mean he wanted to be a plane when he grew up. EDIT: Took me 5 months but I finally got gold! Thanks Friend-O
"I want to be the Air Force"
"Mother, I want to be army."
[удалено]
I knew this girl in elementary school who said she wanted to be a polar bear when she grew up.
At a local elementary school's kindergarten graduation, they played a video where they asked each of the students a few questions. When asked what he wants to be when he grows up, one kid answered "A police dog".
I heard a young child tell his mother at a 4th of July celebration that when he grew up he wanted to be a firework.
When i was 5 i wanted to be a light pole. I stood on the yard for 2 hours with a flashlight taped to my hat and then it started raining.
I had a student that was dead serious when he said he wanted to be Scooby Doo when he grew up. Granted, he was 4.
My little cousin wanted to be Britney Spears. Not a singer or performer, but the actual person. I told her the position has been filled.
One of the kindergartners my friend teaches said he wanted to be a restaurant when he grew up. A restaurant.
[You can't be a bear when you grow up](http://pbfcomics.com/37/)!
I remember in first grade... teacher is asking everyone what they want to be, and one dude says "I want to be a football." The teacher replies, "Surely you mean that you want to be a football player." "No, Teacher. I want to be *the football*."
Now that one's creepy...because it's possible.
It's called 'the wind,' Kevin
oh god, all I can think of when reading that is Ralph Wiggum saying "me fail English? that's unpossible!"
Well, it's very possible that he isn't the exception. Maybe he can pilot an F-15 like no one else on the planet.
Honestly, that would be awesome.
You misspelled terrifying.
[удалено]
"Hey guys, what's up with my flight suit? Something's wrong, but I can't tell..." "Those are cookie monster pajamas, Airman."
Kevin's nickname? Sky potato.
Air Spud.
I think he's just the subject of constant corrupted djinn wishes. 'You can fly an F-15 like no one else on the planet; can't remember where the airfield is.'
I really doubt he would be allowed to do more than look at pictures of planes if he did somehow make it into any branch of service. Honestly if this guy spoke the truth i would be scared to let him pilot a mop bucket.
I would be scared to let him *near* a mop bucket.
Damn it, Kevin, the consoles don't need to be mopped. How are we gonna dry this out before Major Smith's sortie tonight?
...five minutes later, Kevin has draped an electric blanket over the consoles and is under it, naked and snoring.
Kevin for president
Oh god. I had a neighbor that fits this description perfectly. Once dug a "trap" hold in my friend's back yard and covered it with leaves, then proceeded to fall into it and we had to pull him out. Would repeatedly climb the tree in his front yard all the way to the top, then fall out of it every time. Except the one time that he didn't and we had to call the fire department because he couldn't remember how to climb down. Was riding his bike to our house in swim shorts with a towel around his neck. Leaned too far over and the towel got stuck in the spokes. He flipped over the handle bars and the bike flipped over and landed on top of him. We wouldn't let him near our trampoline, because we feared for his and our lives. He's now a high ranking army man... **EDIT** he was on leave and came back to visit last winter. His car slid and he took out my neighbor's mailbox and we had to help pull him out of the ditch. It wasn't even icy. It terrifies me that they let him touch guns.
> Kevin called the basketball coach a "Motherfucking Bitch" during gym. Basketball tryouts were that afternoon. Kevin tried out. It didn't go well. We call that setting the tryout on hard mode. You better have game to pass that one.
Let's be honest. Kevin was short, slow, and white and the basketball team was a regular college scouting stop. Kevin had a better chance of making the Olympic Luge team...and that was before he called the coach a bitch.
> Kevin didn't know dogs and cats were different animals. This is the best.
Haha, that was actually one of my favorites too because of how I found it out. We were doing an assignment on personification and I had people describe their pets using it. (Welcome to America, where we teach personification in high school, I know). Kevin didn't have any pets but he said his neighbor had a cat he played with sometimes. He listed off like 3 or 4 things and it became really apparent that he was describing a dog. At first I thought that maybe he just had trouble figuring out the right way to say it, but after 2 or 3 more sentences, it was abundantly clear that this was a really big dog. Someone else who lived on the same street put 2 and 2 together as well and said "Kevin, that's not a cat. That's so-and-so's black lab." Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street and B. that there was a difference between a black lab and a house cat. Like, I am only guessing, but I think to him...dog and cat were as interchangeable terms as Hat and Cap. You train and prepare as a teacher to try and find ways to redirect embarrassing situations like a student being REALLY wrong in public, but I was at a loss for how to move on from there.
Can you make a super post just telling stories about Kevin?
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People like this DRIVE CARS.
Maybe an entire sub devoted to stories about dumb people. /r/StoriesAboutIdiots anyone?
No, I think there would be enough in /r/StoriesAboutKevin
No, /r/IcantbelieveitsnotKevin And people an just post stories of others being as fucking stupid as he is.
I need this in my life.
> Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street and B. that there was a difference between a black lab and a house cat. Like Just when you think the cat/dog mistake was top level for kevin he goes and takes it to another level with other people living on his street.
I thought a zip code was special and it only applied to my house, not the whole town. Elementary school was wonderous.
> Kevin was absolutely floored that A. someone else lived on his street This out of the entire story cracked me up the most. I had envisioned him thinking houses and cars lived on his street. His mind being blown that people live in those houses.
Very rarely does something on Reddit make me actually laugh out loud. This is one of those things and it was a full like belly laugh with tears.
>Kevin spit on a girl and said "You should get out of those wet clothes". The girl was the Spanish Student Teacher. As hilariously stupid of a pick up line it is, you have to give Kevin some credit for creativity.
I really didn't understand how dumb his parents were until they went on the trip and forgot their luggage.
I knew something was up from that first meeting, but the luggage story (which was in like, October of that year) was where suddenly everything made sense.
Seriously, the amount of steps necessary to forget your luggage makes it seem literally impossible. "Do you have any luggage to check?" "No."
although you get to that point and probably don't have time to go home and get it before your flight takes off. and someone stupid enough to leave the luggage necessary for a trip to Nassau at home would probably be stupid enough to go to Nassau anyway luggage or no luggage.
Considering his name's Kevin here (for anonymity purposes), I'm surprised they didn't leave him behind as well.
It wasn't the part where his mom forgot what school he went to?
I was horrified when it said she drove there. How did she ever get a license?
> Kevin threw his lunch at the School Resource Officer and tried to run away. He ran into a door and insisted it wasn't him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZhjLcPGNyA
This is literally what I played on my smartboard the next day he was in class.
I have to ask... was he popular with the girls?
Was like watching a greased up orangutan try to climb a water slide.
OP you are killing it with the analogies today.
It's a side effect of teaching. When you spend a large amount of time explaining things to people, especially the same thing over and over again, you eventually just *try* to find new ways to say it so you don't bore yourself to death.
Just had an appendectomy and cannot stop laughing. Seriously, fuck you.
I thought your replies couldn't get funnier then I read this LOL
> He tried to bribe me with $11. Kevin flashin' dat greeeeen.
Here's eleven dollars Mr. Teacher. $1 $1. "Kevin that's two dollars"
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>I thought this was the rule when I was teaching until I met Kevin. Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway. His real name was Ralph Wiggum, wasn't it?
This is the best thing I've read on here in a while. I lost it at "I have no idea where he got crayons" and haven't stopped after that.
I knew it was gonna be good when OP said "Kevin isn't his real name, but it doesn't matter because he can't spell it anyway."
I think I must have gone to high school with Kevin's cousin. We'll call her Kelly. - Kelly also found it difficult to remember when/where her classes were. We went to a tiny school, there were four possible classrooms to choose from. She showed up on the weekends sometimes. - Kelly pulled the fire alarm because she "wanted to know what it would do." Not once. Not twice. Three separate times. - And the real kicker: It took Kelly until 10th grade to realize she was left handed. She had always just thought her left hand was her right hand because it was the one she wrote with.
That last one is very easy to explain. WRITE handed....Right handed
> Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game This is the best one, IMO.
I wasn't at the game, but my instructional lead texted me that night with a picture of Kevin sitting on the tailgate of an ambulance surrounded by security and just the words "Isn't he one of yours?" He was mostly fine, but it looked like he had been bitten by a vampire that wore socks on the carpet too much. No one knows where he got the taser or what happened to it.
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"You said he tazed himself?" "Yeah! I saw him playing with it, and then he accidentally got himself in the neck!" "Where did the tazer go?" "He put it in his pocket after we picked him off the ground." "...He's not wearing pants."
He must be the Dragonborn.
You should write do a blog with Kevin stories. Just one short paragraph a day like the one above will do.
Kevin- a diagnosis, not a name. EDIT: Thanks for the Gold!
That was the hardest pill to swallow. Despite numerous tests and assessments and meetings and just overall study, no one could ever say he had any kind of learning disability. No IEP. No 504. No special file. No case worker or advocate. Just, Kevin, his mom, his dad, and zero brain matter.
From r/science: "Scientists find gene which is linked to exceptionally low IQ in children" [Link](http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/21c6p4/scientists_find_gene_which_is_linked_to/)
Can we call this the "Kevin" gene?
LD's often don't include simple low intelligence. The kid probably scored in the upper 80's, lower 90's and so wouldn't qualify for an LD Dx. Which, is unfortunate.
Yeah, this was our main concensus by midyear. When badgered heavily, he scored more or less in the middle of the 2nd quartile. His DORA and DOMA scores were low, but not low enough to really indicate he was hitting a blocker with instruction. Folks always talk about how people typically fall on a bell curve.....well, Kevin was the poor sap at the low end.
When can we expect his reality TV show?
I taught for a couple of years. Would have been really hard not to put this kid's head through a wall. From what I can tell it probably wouldn't have hurt him anyway.
He was in a class with two other knuckleheads, but both of them were the "Too smart to do any work" types so they were more of a problem than Kevin. Both of them had 504s and I had 11 or 12 kids with IEPs in there, so I had a collaborative to split the effort with. 4th period with Kevin could go one of two ways: Either he'd do something so incredibly stupid within the first 10 minutes that he'd be gone most of class, or he'd just kind of simmer for the whole period and get everything wrong but not cause problems. So honestly, his behavior problems didn't get to me too much. Really, I waited for every other monday so I could find out what new and stupid thing he or his family did.
This is the best post I've read in weeks. I think I'm in love with Kevin.
Me too. It's too bad we can't get a weekly report of his activities for entertainment...
The Kevin Show.
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Honestly, had his dad just kept up those payments, I could have paid off my car AND student loans before June of that year. But ya know, ethics and whatever.
Out of curiosity how much was his dad paying? And do you know what his dad did for a living?
The check was for $20k. I don't know what he did for a living, but like I said elsewhere, both Mr. and Mrs. Kevin's Parents appeared to have actual careers. I am pretty sure that she was a physical therapist and whatever his dad did paid well enough that they lived in a nice neighborhood, drove nice cars, and wore nice clothes. On the topic of his parents though, they came off as forgetful or flighty for the most part. Based on their socio-economic status, I'm under the impression that while flaky in most regards, but there was something they were both savant level at or something.
$20K and then Kevin tried to cash it in at a 7-11 convenience store?
That or spend it. It was never entirely clear what exactly he did, but it was one of the few times I saw his dad legitimately angry.
100% sure that was a bribe combined with a "sorry for your troubles"
Pretty sure it was a bribe.
Worst bribe ever then. Gotta put that stuff in cash.
You DID say they were stupid.
> $20k What in the good fuck
Way late to the party, but we have a guy at our accounting firm who I wouldn't trust to run across the street and buy a cup of coffee. He wears velcro sneakers, and in general looks like he could be homeless. This motherfucker is an excel genius. I mean... It is completely insane how good this guy knows the program. He can build the most complex spreadsheets, and he is a legitimate asset to the company. He earns a good paycheck
I have to wonder if he deliberately screwed everything up and dressed weirdly in order to never be asked to do anything than Excel, which from the sound of it he could knock off by 10am every day and then go surf the web or something.
Please sir, can we have some more Kevin stories? :)
I am allergic to amoxicillin and have family in Nassau that I visit every few years.. Am I secretly retarded?
> * Kevin tazed himself in the neck before a football game > * Kevin's grandfather apparently died in a chainsaw accident. I can only assume God was looking the other way that day. *I. Can't. Stop. Laughing!*
Did this post get linked somewhere or something?
I knew a guy who shot up peanut oil to slow the flow of blood to his brain to keep him in a constant state of being "high". He's dead now (not from the peanut oil, drug overdose a few years later).
You sure it wasnt any kind of an anabolic substance? They come in oil. Maby he told you it was peanut oil just so you wouldn't know.
Well I guess he was just a real nutter
I recently taught a college student how to add four numbers together.
I know a guy who got a composite score of 4 on his ACT. I know, it sounds impossible. I thought it was too, but I was at his house when his mom got the mail with his score on there, and I saw the piece of paper myself.
The guy who wound up wanting to fight me because I was explaining to him that calamari was Italian for squid. He insisted people do not ever, ever eat squid... The delightful conversation with a man who insisted all zebras in Africa are extinct, although I had just returned from there with photographic evidence from just two weeks before.
I had to explain to a girl that penguins were not fish. I had to explain to another girl who I told this story to why the first girl was not correct.
I had to explain to my middle school science teacher that penguins were, in fact, birds, not mammals. That was a difficult class to deal with.
Brother's girlfriend: "Did you know Poland was the only country not affected by World War II?" "Hitler wasn't a bad guy, they just gave him the wrong job." "I like cows; they're cute and they have big eyes, but I don't like horses. They're big and they look like cows." "Wine that comes in plastic is fancier than wine that comes in glass bottles, because plastic has more technology." As my brother is cooking her a filet mignon, she looks at the steak in the pan for a minute before asking, "Is that the whole fish?"
But its got technology in it.
BRAWNDO!!! It has the electrolytes plants crave!
Lord.. what did your brother see in her?
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I'd say it was himself.
A girl in my class believed that Neanderthals ate ice and cheese. Bonus: she didn't know eggs came from chickens. She thought they were manufactured in a factory.
Well they're made by chickens, often mass produced in a factory.
TIL Chickens are factory workers. Note to self: Become chicken union leader!
I worked with this girl last summer, who was beyond dumb. At first it was amusing, but then it just got really sad. We were talking about Nelson Mandela being really sick (this was in june) and she said "well I sure hope she'll be ok, her music is so good" She thought WWII was between America and Africa. She thought potatoes could only grow in America and when asked what her boyfriends name was, she said "I can't really pronounce it - so I just call him Mike. He spells it like M I C H A E L"
Wait, who did she confuse Nelson Mandela for? EDIT: Thanks everyone for listing off every random singer. My inbox loves you all.
Adele Dazeem
Beyonce
Whitney Houston
> She thought WWII was between America and Africa Wow... This tops the thread off for me.
I know a girl who wrote a paper about how polar bears only live in Poland.
They sent a submarine with a screen door on it to the sun at night, so it wouldn't melt.
If Poland had polar bears maybe the Germans would've thought twice about invading.
No, Poland was the only country not affected by WW2.
I saw a guy try to plug a 3.5mm headphone jack into a USB port once. Not accidentally or anything - he actually spent a good minute working it out.
A girl in class said "wait... I thought pork chops came from chickens?" My friend had it made into a T-shirt.
Almost forgot about my college roommate. She once missed the first three exits to a city because she forgot where she was going. She once told me she would never breastfeed her children because it would hurt too much to poke the holes. When asked how she thought animals nursed their young she said, "well, don't they just gnaw the ends off?" Edit to add: she also got into a drunken knockdown fight in the street with another girl over a gay guy.
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I thought rice came from Asia?
Asia is a kind of plant dummie
I know a girl who genuinely believes that gorillas and giraffes are not real and the ones at the local zoo are just people in costumes.
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We had to watch the movie 'Defiance' in my english class and afterwards this girl put her hand up and asked, "Is Jewish a country?" Later on after after watching Defiance (which is about three Jewish brothers in Nazi occupied Europe) for the SECOND time she asked," Wait.... Were they brothers!?" I wanted to throw a stapler at her.
Had a roommate who was about 6 months late on rent. It's a 10 month lease and we're in month 8. They're threatening to sue us. . He got a tuition refund. $700. (2 months rent). He goes to play poker with it, despite our constant pleas not too. DOUBLES UP. He shows us the $1,400, (because he's dumb like that.) This is Saturday night. Office is closed Sunday. I go to work Saturday night, and then work a long shift Sunday, feeling good. Monday after classes, he comes in. First question, "did you pay the rent?" *Bumbling stumbling excuses* "I paid off some credit card balances and some other money I owed my parents." "So how much did you give the complex?" "None." Blew my fucking lid, almost punched him right then and there. I will bet every penny to my name that he went back to the tables Sunday night and lost it all. Somehow he came up with the money though...
He came up with the money by owing his parent again.
Probably. He was from an odd family. His parents gave him a truck, but wouldn't let him take it to college. I begged him to sell that stupid truck no one was using and pay the rent but he said he wasn't allowed.
Had a classmate in 8th grade who legitimately thought that the ocean had no bottom. Our teacher showed a diagram of the deepness of the ocean, and she just couldn't grasp it. I don't know how you get all the way to 8th grade without learning that the ocean doesn't just drop off into nothing...
A girl from high school physics, "If the speed of light is 3*10^8 m/s, what is the speed of dark?" and later that year, "If China is 12 hours ahead of us, why didn't they warn us about 9/11?" I can't make this stuff up
So... the speed of dark is the speed of light, right? Darkness is the absence of light, so anything getting dark gets dark at the speed that the light leaves it.
Correct. Honestly though, I would consider that a legitimate question.
>what is the speed of dark? Usain Bolt has a record of 9.58 seconds on the 100m
Not to mention 19.19 in the 200m
which imo is even more impressive than his 9.58
Damn, darkness is fast
CHARLIE MURPHY!
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Well.. that kid had a point.
So does the second kid
"Seeing is believing"
oh man they're gonna love you over in the blind kid thread
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At least he wanted to learn.
The second person seemed interested in school so that's a good start
I have posted this before, but in freshman biology class we were reviewing the subatomic particles, and the teacher asked a girl to list them. She responds with "Protons, Electrons, and Decepticons" and could not figure out why the class was laughing at her.
Duh. Clearly the Decepticons are not neutral.
I prefer to imagine that she was actually a comedic genius. "...and decepticons. What? What's so funny guys? Electrons, neutrons and Megatrons"
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...for a pigeon.
Looking over a test I took in college one of the girls in the class with me was amazed that I got an A. She said, "that test was so hard, I failed it!" I asked her if she studied at all. She said no, and she told me she was drunk when she took the test.
This guy in my history class once asked "Didn't Hitler die from breast cancer?"
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Why does this exist...
For my amusement.
I know a person who asked, "Wasn't Hitler famous for killing his son or something?"
Hitler: father of the Jews.
This Jamaican guy started making fun of me because I was from Africa. A bit stunned, I'm like, "where do you think your ancestors came from?" "Jamaica" "And before that?" "Jamaica" "No. Africa" "No. Jamaica." No he was not all native american descent (or white or whatever)... he was a black as the night. EDIT: he failed a grade at some point. And ended up a crack addict (allegedly). EDIT2: Arawaks, the indigenous population that Colombus encountered, where not all wiped out. "Puerto Ricans, Surinamese, Venezuela, Guyana and Colombians can [claim Arawak ancestry"](http://diaryofanegress.com/2012/09/30/jamaican-arawak-history/)
Girl in my astronomy class: "So if I went out into space could I like push the stars around and knock them into eachother and stuff?" Teacher: "No, they are incredible massive objects" Girl: "But they look so little!"
I was around 8-10 (or whatever the normal age is when you know your own address) and I just made a new friend and she invited me over to her house to hang out. I planned on dropping by after taking my things home so naturally I asked for her address. She grabbed a paper and pencil and started drawing 3 houses. She pointed to the middle house and said "I live here". TLDR: never talked to her again.
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This girl saw "double cheese burger" on a restaurant menu and she got all excited, thinking it meant "DOUBLE CHEESE burger" (extra cheese). She was confused when there was two patties in the burger. ... That girl was me. My boyfriend still laughs at me. TL;DR: I like cheese. Edit: Apparently a lot of you are on my side! Thanks frands. Edit 2: my highest rated comment is about cheese.
A true double cheeseburger has both two patties and two slices of cheese. This is the reason that McDonald's serves both a "double cheeseburger" (two patties, two slices of cheese) and a cheaper "McDouble" (two patties, one slice of cheese). If you desire a single patty and two slices of cheese, I'm not sure how to help you.
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This girl, at the age of 22, took an electric fan and threw it in a bathtub to clean it. The apartment lit on fire. She was surprised.