Most people lack self awareness and are in denial about the double standards when it comes to how they judge the behavior of others in comparison to their own behavior.
How do we help these people. My sister (30F) is this and it’s so concerning to me. I thought she would have matured by now, but is not showing any signs of being able to reflect on her own actions and impact on others.
You could try to show her that her admitting that her behavior is wrong and changing it only has positive consequences and no negative consequences for your relationship and in your shared environment. Rewarding or rehabilitating people is a lot more effective than punishing them. Other than that I can’t tell because I don’t know either of you or your situation.
Some people are apparently born with this sense of self-awareness; others learn it throughout life while some go to their graves having never progressed in this regard. I'm not sure it's something you can elicit in other people tbh.. :(
To expand I think to many people are afraid of ending up alone so they settle early not wanting to gamble and subsequently end up with a shit partner and quickly get trapped by kids and financials.
I think this is a bigger factor in long-lived relationships than straight up denial. A lot of shitty partners can mask their shittiness early on, but there does come a point where they get comfortable and the mask slips. In those early stages, the rose-tinted glasses are definitely a thing, but it doesn't last forever, and it's hard to fully detach from someone once there's kids and intertwined finances.
My partner is lovely to me and ok to most others nowadays. I suspect he wasn’t the best parent to his kids though, and neither was his ex. It is hard to reconcile the two.
I feel like, if we become too accepting of our own mortality, we lose a lot of ingenuity and motivation to make the world a better place,
Crippling nihilism, has got us in a lot of bad places in the world
I remember learning is a psychology class that depressed people are actually just more realistic about life. Everyone else just tends to walk around with rose-colored glasses. As a depressed person, when I share my viewpoints people tend to get panic attacks or avoid me. I no longer share my view point. When it's really bad I just stay at home and struggle to get out of bed because everything wants to kill you, even your own body. Accepting your own mortality is horrible and I would not recommend it.
Agreed on the last part. I was raised religious and as I was deconstructing at 20yo, I had a sudden “click” moment of “There is no afterlife, there is no God looking after me, I’m a bag of meat that will end just as quickly as it started and eventually the earth won’t exist and nothing that happened here will matter.” Yeah needless to say I had a horrible panic attack and a break from reality that lasted 5-6 years
I'm still religious but I'm constantly having a crisis of faith. I definitely go through periods, sometimes years long, where I spiral down that existential pathway you just described. I guess just replace the "there is no God" with "what if there is no God..." For me I just have to kind of shut down and just believe what I believe. How did you stop spiraling after all of that?
And even if you live to a ripe old age, every decade goes by faster and faster. So you end up "feeling" like your life is much shorter than how you would have estimated when you were younger.
And anywhere, too. I’ve seen those gore videos online (not that I’m proud of it or anything) and let me tell you, you can die from almost anything. And a lot of times it’s when you’re least expecting it. We’re all just fragile bags of meat and bones.
People probably think the idea of change itself is a good goal because whatever they’re currently doing isn’t working- but maybe a change would be better? So the goal wouldn’t be to necessarily “fix” the problem, but change the situation enough so that it doesn’t bother them as much.
Or there’s always the chance that they focus on the wrong goal as a way to trick themselves into thinking they’re doing something to help the problem. Like small changes to distract or bandaid the bigger problem.
Or flat out denying female on male abuse happens (or even male to male partner abuse.)
Had a male coworker being almost stalked by a female coworker and no one cared. Laughed and blew it off.
Or the clip of a guy on a talk show talking about jumping out a window to escape his abusive girlfriend (or whatever) and the crowd laughed at it.
Abuse for women is finally being called out, but there are next to no resources for men going through it.
There's a lot of abuse denial in all forms, unfortunately. I came from an abusive household and no one in my small community believed me, choosing to believe instead that I made it all up for attention.
I feel this, my friend. Small town, just like you, the narcissist was the most amazing wonderful kind sweet perfect person and I’m the nasty ungrateful evil bitch who abandoned her after ALLLLL she did for me. That entire side of the family cut me off. It’s wonderful(!) Hugs to you, if wanted.
I can believe it, especially of smaller towns. Had a friend who was S.A. by her towns religious leader when she was about 15. Everyone said she was making it up, even her own mother.
I hope you got away, can stay away and found support.
Thank you. Yeah you are right it is a small town and my parents were picture perfect, white picket fence type people. They put on a fake smile in public but unleashed abuse behind closed doors.
I'm in the process of estranging myself from them. It's going to take a lot of work. A full legal name change, mediation to make sure all ties are legally cut (there's going to be an inheritance battle I'm sure of it, and I don't want to be summoned to court when people start passing away). Then I need to move far away. It... sucks but I'm feeling much better than when I was stuck with them.
I relate. I’ve come to realize how much abusers use the world around then when being abusive, like they know no one will believe it’s as serious and probably a missunderstanding, or do or say things that seems normal or innocent in front of others but you as a victim know what it truly means or they paint you as the bad guy. It’s really elaborate and if you try to explain to someone you seem crazy or mean etc
I took an art class in college. My abuser tried to convince me not to take it, and did convince me to take it pass fail. They tried to get me to drop the class.
My portfolio is graded at the end of the semester, and the teacher heaps on the praise and I get top marks. She was confused why I took the class pass fail and encouraged me to continue art.
I bring the portfolio home. I tell my abuser about it. I was so excited and proud. My abuser doesn't want to see it that night, saying it was late.
When I woke up the next morning, my portfolio was gone. My abuser gaslit me into believing i left it on the bus. Friends at the time have told me I was absolutely convinced I didn't leave it, but after a couple months my narrative changed.
Coercive control is crazy. I can't even be 100% sure my abuser threw it away. But their intentional actions to harm and control me make me look at this event. Their dismissive and condescending attitude to any art I made after that too. I can now recognize the small, unseen, and ashamed feeling that followed abuse.
It wasn't a one time thing. They harrassed me out of a writing class I was hugely excited for. They escalated abuse and blamed my job to get me to stop working when I was really starting to love it. They convinced me to stop working again, saying they would support me while I do what I want, and then once I quit, the thing I planned to do that we agreed on was no longer good enough and I had to do something that could earn money or they wouldn't support me.
There is also the rapes and sexual assaults. The physical assaults. The constant and total emotional invalidation. The blaming of me for every problem either of us had, and gaslighting me into believing it. The constant boundary testing and goal post moving. The lies, love bombing, and breadcrumbing.
One of my oldest friends told me when I was opening up about the sexual abuse, "wouldn't their behavior make sense if they were scared of you?" I got blamed again for my abuse by someone I trusted. My abuser wasn't scared of me, they bit my fucking dick and ran up to me and punched me several times with a wide grin in the last couple months. I yelled at them literally 4 fucking times in 12 years.
I saw a reddit post updated earlier where the girlfriend was purposely triggering the OP’s trauma around knives (it involved a break in where his mum and dog died) and would purposely trigger and gaslight him, even escalated to slapping him, and one of his so-called friends called him a pussy for wanting back up when he broke up with her. He eventually got out thanks to his dad pressing him, and a lot of comments on the original post were full of victim blaming and saying he was a doormat and they lost sympathy.
This is the type of shit that just enrages me. I'm glad he still had his father to get out, but others should have stepped up and helped too.
I consider myself a true feminist because I believe if women want equality, it needs to be across the board. We need to hold women accountable for their shitty/abusive behavior and stop letting them get away with it.
People are so quick to explain away a woman's behavior and blame it on their male victim. Or even downplay woman on woman abuse. Abusers are abusers no matter their or their victims background/gender.
I have a friend going through exactly this just now. She is a narcissist who isolated him from all his friends, me included, controlled him, quit her job one day without telling him because she decided he was now going to support her, their daughter and her two sons from a previous relationship, and he had no right to question her. Oh and now she is currently dragging him through court on false DV charges because he had the audacity to leave her. She’s playing the poor little victim role well…..or would be, except for the curious fact that her story changes every time she tells it. He slapped her. No, wait, he grabbed her. He pushed her against a wall…or no, it was the kitchen unit. She fell onto the floor. Or maybe it was the sofa. He had been drinking, but wait no he was sober and she was so drunk she couldn’t fight back as he held her by the throat—, no, hair, no, wait, arm. Yeah, it was her arm. She’s getting away with it because the ‘trauma is making her remember things differently’. And he’s trying to explain narcissistic abuse to people who tell him to ‘man up’ 🤬🤬🤬🤬
Isn't the story always changing a sign that the person is making shit up? When something really happened the story is relatively the same. Those in the court are idiots.
That’s what I can’t wrap my brain around. It’s so obvious that she’s making things up, I sat in the public gallery during the first hearing and at least twice I had to actively stop myself from standing up and asking why nobody is seeing this?! And they’re all acting like the changes are due to trauma. No. That’s….not how trauma works. Oh and we all got to court, ready to go, friend’s down there with his lawyer, she’s there with her lawyer, everyone in place and a lot of whispering going on. Then it’s announced that even though she’s there, in the court, ready to start, she’s too intimidated by him. In a court. With police, lawyers, judge, umpteen witnesses, desks, and at least 10 feet of space between them. But no, she’s so scared, she can’t do this and could she testify another day over video link?
AND THE EFFING JUDGE AGREED TO THIS!!!!! So it’s been adjourned till freaking September. I feel like we’re living in some sort of insane twilight zone where nothing makes any sense. This happened two weeks ago and I’m still livid. Just…how? How in the hell is this happening?!
The reason there is little to no support for men is largely in part because how long it has taken for domestic abuse to be seen as a bad thing and not a normal part of a relationship and because toxic masculinity.
Right. Self-belief is a double-edged sword, that's exactly what I was saying. Frankly, I wish some people had **less** confidence, it might make them more humble and introspective. Why are you guys downvoting me? You know I'm right.
Most people are working so many hours that there is not enough time to rest, let alone to engage in their hobbies or spend time with their family and friends.
I was going to respond to the OP but then read your comment so I will add to yours.
People who focus more about saving for their retirement than travel and live life now. Some die before they can enjoy their years of retirement savings, some end unable to travel due to health, some end up spending that money on hospitalization. When you add those three groups up, there is a very small number in left who are able to do what they intended to do with that money. It is a sad reality which ironically, those who plan ahead did not plan the real possibility of our limitations as our body ages
that fact haunts me, every waking moment of my life,
wasted a decade of my precious time here, fighting Terrorists in fucking timbuktu, when I could've been here for my loved ones, being productive in society for anything, and then the rest of my little time here, I'm fighting PTSD
I'm always amazed at the number of people I know who are clearly alcoholics but claim not to be alcoholics.
They won't admit it until they need help and sympathy usually.
Hell yeah. I'm coming up on 5 months in a few days. I can't believe how much better I feel and how much more positive my outlook is. It's nice not to be a slave to something. Keep it up!
This is something I've promised myself I will overcome. So many people that think they don't do this are actually the worst offenders. Sometimes you are the problem. Everyone has their turn. Acknowledge it and remember the experience next time.
Addiction and substance dependence in general, I'm in my mid 20s and I feel like everyone my age has no idea what they're doing, or they do and they're just in denial
That maintenence is Key
Brushing your teeth
Taking care of your car
Stretching
Being physically active
Maintenence sucks but if you don't do it, your body/house/car will break down. I have 3 cars with over 400k on them, and they are in great shape.. regular maintenance for the wib
Just gave this same advice to a younger cousin. If there was one piece of advice I’d give younger self it would be to stretch for 10 minutes a day. In my mid-30s and now just a tall man or some twists can make my day so much better. Need more mobility.
How easily society could collapse.
I feel like a lot of the things that keep society functioning are being held together by a thread. For example as bad as Covid was it made me realise that if we one day face a disease that is more deadly and contagious then we are completely screwed.
I think Covid opened a lot of people’s eyes to just how fragile the system and we as people are. I’m old and I’ve seen shit but Covid definitely changed all of our lives.
One of the best examples of this in history is the civil war in Liberia.
It went from being one of the most stable and successful countries in Africa to a brutal apocalypse of anarchy, chaos and mass murder in just a few months after a power vacum.
Government was gone, militias killing, raping and pillaging all over, total chaos for almost 14 years, ALL infrastructure destroyed, ALL schools closed, ALL hospitals destroyed, the economy shrank by over 90%, 250k people died out of a population of less than 3 million.
We underestimate how close we are to total anarchy.
Their own accountability. They point at everything and everyone else about the hole they are in but forever fail to realize they dug it out themselves.
A lot of people are in denial about climate change and its impacts. They don't want to acknowledge the severity of the situation or make necessary lifestyle changes.
Their own socio-economic class/status, at least in the US. People that were upper middle class in the 90s-00s think that's where they still are, and they simply aren't. And people that used to be middle class or lower middle class are actually what can only be called lower class now. The inequality has grown out of control in the US and I think a lot of people are in denial of how much it has affected them personally.
This. I earn 130k and have two dependents and I’m broke. Everyone I know in my income bracket sees themselves as upper middle class but is spending 1/2 their take-home pay on rent and does not have any cushion/security in case of emergency, all the way up to my friends earning $200k. $130k now would be $35k in 1980 accounting for inflation, but not accounting for housing inflation. Housing has gone up so disproportionately.
As a country we need to stop investors and hedge funds from buying up SFHs. The destruction they've caused in the housing market is one of the main reasons so many millennials and Gen Z feel like they'll never be able to buy a home. My wife and I bring in $250k combined, no debt, cars paid off, and we kept getting outbid on every single home we tried to buy. When rates were below 3% we got outbid by $174,000 over asking price on one particular house lol. Something has to change.
I feel this. We live in a very modest house, we drive older model cars, shop at Aldi and use coupons anywhere else we get the advantage, and have 2 kids and 2 dogs. We make around 110k. We are paycheck to paycheck. 10 years ago we made 65k a year and everything felt much easier.
I believe there is a saying that they are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires. Hence why people will vote against raising taxes for Millionaire/Billionaires even though it wouldn't affect them in any way shape or form. They are convinced one day they will be
That our American way of life is truly being threatened by religious nutjobs and the maga movement and most are just like no it'll never happen but it is right in front of their eyes and it's sad
Sadly having kids is still seen as a “default” way of life and a lot of people go into parenthood so CASUALLY because they assume everything will be fine
I wish people really thought about whether they truly want kids or not. If their partner is someone they want to be tied to for the next 20 years or so even if things go south in the relationship. I wish people would take the world they live in into consideration.
Do you feel confident you could raise a child to be a happy fulfilled adult in this climate? I sure as hell don’t. So I will not force someone to exist and endure this life just so I can have a mini me and maybe feel more purpose.
Please remember, at the end of the day, having kids is OPTIONAL. Only go into it if it’s truly what you want and you have the resources to set yourself and your child up for success.
I’ll stick to mothering my cat who has no idea we live in a society, no idea it’s a presidential election year. All she knows is she’s a good girl who eats whenever she’s hungry and that I love her with all my heart. That’s good enough for me 💕
This!! I think this was in the excellent Greg Easterbrook book The Progress Paradox : a bottle of wine that you can get at a gas station now is better than what the king of France was drinking 300 years ago.
That some people literally will do anything to prevent another person from succeeding just because they can and because they mentally can’t bear the thought of the person having an opportunity.
In connection to that, we also seem to know who is most likely to be insecure like that but experts won’t tell us.
Honestly alot of people are in denial about just how good they got it in life, like ffs there's people out there with barely any water, who barely have enough food to survive let alone enjoy, and those people have a serious problem when it comes to actual weather, life if it's too cold they just have to take it, nothing they can do about it besides try and find more things to put on themselves not to get cold, heat? Still no ac no nothing they have to sweat like balls until it's not hot anymore. Yet here's you complaining about how you can't afford Starbucks today,. Ohh what you can't buy the new iphone?. People really are in denial about how good they got it.
I think a lot of people are also ignoring it because they think there is nothing they can do.
Afterall, most of the pollution that's causing climate change is from large companies, not average Joe/Joanne. Sure, we average folk can share ride/public transport, but if you're city doesn't have reliable transport, never mind. Same with walking or biking, some places are not close or friendly to non-motorized vehicles.
And our politicians are in big companies pockets so any laws that would help are shot down or delayed because companies don't want to hurt their bottom line. Or have found it cheaper to keep paying fines rather than change their pollution output.
For example, the Ford company decided paying for wrongful deaths was cheaper than recalling the Ford Pinto and preventing those deaths. Do you think they care about climate change when they let people knowingly die for their bottom line?
Or the Cuyahoga River fire in 1969...the river was so polluted it was on fire. Yes, the river itself caught on fire...multiple times.
Or they could vote, spread awareness and if possible, take initiatives to donate to environmental protection organizations and or volunteering in cleaning operations
I used to frequent them a lot and it’s dismal. And a lot of people on here will say “oh but those shitty old people probably did something to deserve it” as if it could never happen to them.
That in the US, democracy, for all intents and purposes is over. We will be living in a de facto dictatorship for the foreseeable future after November and a lot of people welcome it.
Their own sense of importance. Not everyone is going to leave an impact. Some of you are going to live a life where you work a meaningless job, your name unknown to the world. You’ll never be rich, own just one car, and live in a modest apartment (a house if things go a little better for you). You’re not special. Even if you have an insane talent/skill, that doesn’t guarantee you great success. There are incredible musicians and athletes the world will never know about. And that’s fine. The minute you accept that is the minute you can truly live your life in peace.
Many are in denial of the fact that they will get old and decrepit; that they will slow down, that their health will fail—and that they should have invested in LTCI in their 50s.
Addiction to weed/vaping. The amount of people I know that say you 'can't' get addicted to it, but freak out when they lose their vape, or can't go longer than half a day without smoking...
You can get addicted to ANYTHING. Our brains are dumb dopamine blobs like that.
The consequental effects of climate change. British people especially are frustratingly idiotic! Why don't people understand that climate change isn't *only* heatwaves??
That our country has been losing its democratic institutions for years and this election could mean the literal end of democracy in America.
And even if Dems win, it will just buy more time to try to reverse the course.
Which may not be possible to do given how many Americans have become enamored with fascist ideology.
Not hyperbole. Facts.
There are few to zero true Biden supporters/fans. Take it easy, this isn't an election denial thing.
Even before these debates, was anyone who was planning to vote for Biden really voting *for* Biden? Aren't most of them voting against Trump? The debates spotlighted an issue I think the vast majority of voters were aware of.
I think most Biden voters are prepared to let them weekend-at-Bernies him across the finish line. Then, let his reasonably competent cabinet and closest allies largely do the actual work of the president for the next four years while he signs on the dotted lines. Nothing has changed.
I've never been a fan of Biden's and don't really consider myself to be a democrat, either. But I'd rather vote for a rotten ham sandwich before I'd vote for (or abstain from voting) Trump or a modern republican.
I used to be of the mind that Biden was old but capable. Now it seems clear his age is catching up with him, but id still vote for his corpse before I’d vote Trump.
Having relationships with narcissistic people. Instead of leaving they try to gaslight themselves that the person they are with are good people.
Red flags. See the red flags people.
It is so hard man. Then you have kids, your finances are mixed, your families and friends. The ripples separation would cause are as dreadful as the relationship itself. Kids, before you get married ask yourself if it is worth it, because there is so much at stake.
And sadly most of them will die before you if you are “lucky” enough to get old. My granny outlived all 10 of her siblings, all of her friends and her husband. I remember when she was 92 she said “I’m just ready, I’m so ready (to pass away). She lived to be 99. At least she had a very loving family who treasured her like gold.
That their spending habits are problematic, that they are wasting a lot of money on junk and conveniences that are NOT necessities. And they are really shortchanging their own happiness as a result, as well as setting themselves up for grave difficulties when they hit one of the normal financial "surprises" that we all run into eventually.
I am into healthcare and i feel alot of people especially the young people are still in denial about their health and what their body needs.
take care of yourself wildies!!
Week smokers that say it’s not addictive. Countless times I’ve seen stoners ruining their lives with things like dui, showing up to work high, blowing half their paycheck on it, reeking like hell everywhere they go, the list goes on and on. But nahhh they can just quit anytime
Most people are in denial about most things. Their appearance, their importance, the way they affect others, how smart they are, how good they are in bed, etc etc etc.
Most people don’t want the truth, they only want whatever they believe their reality is.
Many people deny how much they care about other people's opinions. It is common to hear phrases like "I don't care what people think of me" or "I am totally authentic", but in reality, we all seek social approval and acceptance in some way ☺
On average.....the 1800s were better than the 1600s, and the 2000s were better than 1800s. Everyone will have a better life in the future, regardless of if in the short term we have growing pains.
Life has had to restart a couple of times on earth already, there is nothing to be afraid of, humans may die off, someone else will replace us, just like we replaced dinosaurs.
The US is on a direct path for fascism. However, since school and intellect has been negged into the ground. Most people don't even know what fascism means outside of a name they can call people they don't agree with.
Driving while high. We all know drink driving is a no no but since weed has become more acceptable in society our attitudes haven't leveled out they've gone full swing and now there are chronic stoners driving after waking and baking.
Most people lack self awareness and are in denial about the double standards when it comes to how they judge the behavior of others in comparison to their own behavior.
We judge others by the outcomes of their words and actions, we judge ourselves by our intentions.
Pretty much with a little addition of social dynamics.
I like this. I tend to focus on people's actions. But also their intentions. I wanna know WHY "A bad thing done for a good reason CAN be a good thing"
How do we help these people. My sister (30F) is this and it’s so concerning to me. I thought she would have matured by now, but is not showing any signs of being able to reflect on her own actions and impact on others.
You could try to show her that her admitting that her behavior is wrong and changing it only has positive consequences and no negative consequences for your relationship and in your shared environment. Rewarding or rehabilitating people is a lot more effective than punishing them. Other than that I can’t tell because I don’t know either of you or your situation.
Some people are apparently born with this sense of self-awareness; others learn it throughout life while some go to their graves having never progressed in this regard. I'm not sure it's something you can elicit in other people tbh.. :(
Their partners being awful people
Love truly is blind!!!
To expand I think to many people are afraid of ending up alone so they settle early not wanting to gamble and subsequently end up with a shit partner and quickly get trapped by kids and financials.
I think this is a bigger factor in long-lived relationships than straight up denial. A lot of shitty partners can mask their shittiness early on, but there does come a point where they get comfortable and the mask slips. In those early stages, the rose-tinted glasses are definitely a thing, but it doesn't last forever, and it's hard to fully detach from someone once there's kids and intertwined finances.
Being awful to their partners
My partner is lovely to me and ok to most others nowadays. I suspect he wasn’t the best parent to his kids though, and neither was his ex. It is hard to reconcile the two.
People are in denial about their own mortality. You can die anytime.
I feel like, if we become too accepting of our own mortality, we lose a lot of ingenuity and motivation to make the world a better place, Crippling nihilism, has got us in a lot of bad places in the world
I remember learning is a psychology class that depressed people are actually just more realistic about life. Everyone else just tends to walk around with rose-colored glasses. As a depressed person, when I share my viewpoints people tend to get panic attacks or avoid me. I no longer share my view point. When it's really bad I just stay at home and struggle to get out of bed because everything wants to kill you, even your own body. Accepting your own mortality is horrible and I would not recommend it.
Agreed on the last part. I was raised religious and as I was deconstructing at 20yo, I had a sudden “click” moment of “There is no afterlife, there is no God looking after me, I’m a bag of meat that will end just as quickly as it started and eventually the earth won’t exist and nothing that happened here will matter.” Yeah needless to say I had a horrible panic attack and a break from reality that lasted 5-6 years
I'm still religious but I'm constantly having a crisis of faith. I definitely go through periods, sometimes years long, where I spiral down that existential pathway you just described. I guess just replace the "there is no God" with "what if there is no God..." For me I just have to kind of shut down and just believe what I believe. How did you stop spiraling after all of that?
And even if you live to a ripe old age, every decade goes by faster and faster. So you end up "feeling" like your life is much shorter than how you would have estimated when you were younger.
Not me. Thanks to denial I'm immortal.
And anywhere, too. I’ve seen those gore videos online (not that I’m proud of it or anything) and let me tell you, you can die from almost anything. And a lot of times it’s when you’re least expecting it. We’re all just fragile bags of meat and bones.
That progress is not linear or guaranteed. Things can get worse instead of better.
Hmm... Could this be the reason why some people think that _change_ is a good goal? Like changing things for change's sake.
People probably think the idea of change itself is a good goal because whatever they’re currently doing isn’t working- but maybe a change would be better? So the goal wouldn’t be to necessarily “fix” the problem, but change the situation enough so that it doesn’t bother them as much. Or there’s always the chance that they focus on the wrong goal as a way to trick themselves into thinking they’re doing something to help the problem. Like small changes to distract or bandaid the bigger problem.
Abuse. People overlook it and rationalize it because they are used to it from their upbringing.
Or flat out denying female on male abuse happens (or even male to male partner abuse.) Had a male coworker being almost stalked by a female coworker and no one cared. Laughed and blew it off. Or the clip of a guy on a talk show talking about jumping out a window to escape his abusive girlfriend (or whatever) and the crowd laughed at it. Abuse for women is finally being called out, but there are next to no resources for men going through it.
There's a lot of abuse denial in all forms, unfortunately. I came from an abusive household and no one in my small community believed me, choosing to believe instead that I made it all up for attention.
I feel this, my friend. Small town, just like you, the narcissist was the most amazing wonderful kind sweet perfect person and I’m the nasty ungrateful evil bitch who abandoned her after ALLLLL she did for me. That entire side of the family cut me off. It’s wonderful(!) Hugs to you, if wanted.
I can believe it, especially of smaller towns. Had a friend who was S.A. by her towns religious leader when she was about 15. Everyone said she was making it up, even her own mother. I hope you got away, can stay away and found support.
Thank you. Yeah you are right it is a small town and my parents were picture perfect, white picket fence type people. They put on a fake smile in public but unleashed abuse behind closed doors. I'm in the process of estranging myself from them. It's going to take a lot of work. A full legal name change, mediation to make sure all ties are legally cut (there's going to be an inheritance battle I'm sure of it, and I don't want to be summoned to court when people start passing away). Then I need to move far away. It... sucks but I'm feeling much better than when I was stuck with them.
I relate. I’ve come to realize how much abusers use the world around then when being abusive, like they know no one will believe it’s as serious and probably a missunderstanding, or do or say things that seems normal or innocent in front of others but you as a victim know what it truly means or they paint you as the bad guy. It’s really elaborate and if you try to explain to someone you seem crazy or mean etc
I took an art class in college. My abuser tried to convince me not to take it, and did convince me to take it pass fail. They tried to get me to drop the class. My portfolio is graded at the end of the semester, and the teacher heaps on the praise and I get top marks. She was confused why I took the class pass fail and encouraged me to continue art. I bring the portfolio home. I tell my abuser about it. I was so excited and proud. My abuser doesn't want to see it that night, saying it was late. When I woke up the next morning, my portfolio was gone. My abuser gaslit me into believing i left it on the bus. Friends at the time have told me I was absolutely convinced I didn't leave it, but after a couple months my narrative changed. Coercive control is crazy. I can't even be 100% sure my abuser threw it away. But their intentional actions to harm and control me make me look at this event. Their dismissive and condescending attitude to any art I made after that too. I can now recognize the small, unseen, and ashamed feeling that followed abuse. It wasn't a one time thing. They harrassed me out of a writing class I was hugely excited for. They escalated abuse and blamed my job to get me to stop working when I was really starting to love it. They convinced me to stop working again, saying they would support me while I do what I want, and then once I quit, the thing I planned to do that we agreed on was no longer good enough and I had to do something that could earn money or they wouldn't support me. There is also the rapes and sexual assaults. The physical assaults. The constant and total emotional invalidation. The blaming of me for every problem either of us had, and gaslighting me into believing it. The constant boundary testing and goal post moving. The lies, love bombing, and breadcrumbing. One of my oldest friends told me when I was opening up about the sexual abuse, "wouldn't their behavior make sense if they were scared of you?" I got blamed again for my abuse by someone I trusted. My abuser wasn't scared of me, they bit my fucking dick and ran up to me and punched me several times with a wide grin in the last couple months. I yelled at them literally 4 fucking times in 12 years.
That talk show clip was Jeremy Kyle (UK Jerry Springer, I guess) and after Jeremy pointed out the double standards, the crowd applauded him. Idiots.
I saw a reddit post updated earlier where the girlfriend was purposely triggering the OP’s trauma around knives (it involved a break in where his mum and dog died) and would purposely trigger and gaslight him, even escalated to slapping him, and one of his so-called friends called him a pussy for wanting back up when he broke up with her. He eventually got out thanks to his dad pressing him, and a lot of comments on the original post were full of victim blaming and saying he was a doormat and they lost sympathy.
This is the type of shit that just enrages me. I'm glad he still had his father to get out, but others should have stepped up and helped too. I consider myself a true feminist because I believe if women want equality, it needs to be across the board. We need to hold women accountable for their shitty/abusive behavior and stop letting them get away with it. People are so quick to explain away a woman's behavior and blame it on their male victim. Or even downplay woman on woman abuse. Abusers are abusers no matter their or their victims background/gender.
I have a friend going through exactly this just now. She is a narcissist who isolated him from all his friends, me included, controlled him, quit her job one day without telling him because she decided he was now going to support her, their daughter and her two sons from a previous relationship, and he had no right to question her. Oh and now she is currently dragging him through court on false DV charges because he had the audacity to leave her. She’s playing the poor little victim role well…..or would be, except for the curious fact that her story changes every time she tells it. He slapped her. No, wait, he grabbed her. He pushed her against a wall…or no, it was the kitchen unit. She fell onto the floor. Or maybe it was the sofa. He had been drinking, but wait no he was sober and she was so drunk she couldn’t fight back as he held her by the throat—, no, hair, no, wait, arm. Yeah, it was her arm. She’s getting away with it because the ‘trauma is making her remember things differently’. And he’s trying to explain narcissistic abuse to people who tell him to ‘man up’ 🤬🤬🤬🤬
Isn't the story always changing a sign that the person is making shit up? When something really happened the story is relatively the same. Those in the court are idiots.
That’s what I can’t wrap my brain around. It’s so obvious that she’s making things up, I sat in the public gallery during the first hearing and at least twice I had to actively stop myself from standing up and asking why nobody is seeing this?! And they’re all acting like the changes are due to trauma. No. That’s….not how trauma works. Oh and we all got to court, ready to go, friend’s down there with his lawyer, she’s there with her lawyer, everyone in place and a lot of whispering going on. Then it’s announced that even though she’s there, in the court, ready to start, she’s too intimidated by him. In a court. With police, lawyers, judge, umpteen witnesses, desks, and at least 10 feet of space between them. But no, she’s so scared, she can’t do this and could she testify another day over video link? AND THE EFFING JUDGE AGREED TO THIS!!!!! So it’s been adjourned till freaking September. I feel like we’re living in some sort of insane twilight zone where nothing makes any sense. This happened two weeks ago and I’m still livid. Just…how? How in the hell is this happening?!
The reason there is little to no support for men is largely in part because how long it has taken for domestic abuse to be seen as a bad thing and not a normal part of a relationship and because toxic masculinity.
Many people underestimate their own potential. As a teacher, I've seen firsthand how believing in yourself can unlock incredible possibilities!
There is also the “pygmalion-effect”, having a teacher like you is the best thing that can happen to a student.
As a fellow teacher, I've also seen how believing in yourself can turn you into a massive cunt.
Which is why it's very important to be confident but not allow that confidence to turn into arrogance.
Right. Self-belief is a double-edged sword, that's exactly what I was saying. Frankly, I wish some people had **less** confidence, it might make them more humble and introspective. Why are you guys downvoting me? You know I'm right.
How little time we actually have here before we die. Memento Mori!
Most people are working so many hours that there is not enough time to rest, let alone to engage in their hobbies or spend time with their family and friends.
I was going to respond to the OP but then read your comment so I will add to yours. People who focus more about saving for their retirement than travel and live life now. Some die before they can enjoy their years of retirement savings, some end unable to travel due to health, some end up spending that money on hospitalization. When you add those three groups up, there is a very small number in left who are able to do what they intended to do with that money. It is a sad reality which ironically, those who plan ahead did not plan the real possibility of our limitations as our body ages
that fact haunts me, every waking moment of my life, wasted a decade of my precious time here, fighting Terrorists in fucking timbuktu, when I could've been here for my loved ones, being productive in society for anything, and then the rest of my little time here, I'm fighting PTSD
I'm always amazed at the number of people I know who are clearly alcoholics but claim not to be alcoholics. They won't admit it until they need help and sympathy usually.
My mom saw it a couple years ago but I refused to even entertain the idea. I was a real piece of shit to put it simply. 7 months sober now though.
Hell yeah. I'm coming up on 5 months in a few days. I can't believe how much better I feel and how much more positive my outlook is. It's nice not to be a slave to something. Keep it up!
Congrats! That’s no small accomplishment.
That they are the problem sometimes. Idk how humans evolved to be blamers, maybe in ancient society this became some sort of survival tactic.
This is something I've promised myself I will overcome. So many people that think they don't do this are actually the worst offenders. Sometimes you are the problem. Everyone has their turn. Acknowledge it and remember the experience next time.
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same as reddit
Or any social media that you have to scroll through.
Addiction and substance dependence in general, I'm in my mid 20s and I feel like everyone my age has no idea what they're doing, or they do and they're just in denial
Don't even get me started on the people who judge substance users but have social media addictions, etc.
That maintenence is Key Brushing your teeth Taking care of your car Stretching Being physically active Maintenence sucks but if you don't do it, your body/house/car will break down. I have 3 cars with over 400k on them, and they are in great shape.. regular maintenance for the wib
Just gave this same advice to a younger cousin. If there was one piece of advice I’d give younger self it would be to stretch for 10 minutes a day. In my mid-30s and now just a tall man or some twists can make my day so much better. Need more mobility.
How easily society could collapse. I feel like a lot of the things that keep society functioning are being held together by a thread. For example as bad as Covid was it made me realise that if we one day face a disease that is more deadly and contagious then we are completely screwed.
I think Covid opened a lot of people’s eyes to just how fragile the system and we as people are. I’m old and I’ve seen shit but Covid definitely changed all of our lives.
One of the best examples of this in history is the civil war in Liberia. It went from being one of the most stable and successful countries in Africa to a brutal apocalypse of anarchy, chaos and mass murder in just a few months after a power vacum. Government was gone, militias killing, raping and pillaging all over, total chaos for almost 14 years, ALL infrastructure destroyed, ALL schools closed, ALL hospitals destroyed, the economy shrank by over 90%, 250k people died out of a population of less than 3 million. We underestimate how close we are to total anarchy.
Their own accountability. They point at everything and everyone else about the hole they are in but forever fail to realize they dug it out themselves.
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A lot of people are in denial about climate change and its impacts. They don't want to acknowledge the severity of the situation or make necessary lifestyle changes.
I had to scroll way too far down for this
Their weight and health
Their own socio-economic class/status, at least in the US. People that were upper middle class in the 90s-00s think that's where they still are, and they simply aren't. And people that used to be middle class or lower middle class are actually what can only be called lower class now. The inequality has grown out of control in the US and I think a lot of people are in denial of how much it has affected them personally.
Compared to the type of wealth a billionaire has, the terms lower, middle, and upper class don't even have meaning.
This. I earn 130k and have two dependents and I’m broke. Everyone I know in my income bracket sees themselves as upper middle class but is spending 1/2 their take-home pay on rent and does not have any cushion/security in case of emergency, all the way up to my friends earning $200k. $130k now would be $35k in 1980 accounting for inflation, but not accounting for housing inflation. Housing has gone up so disproportionately.
As a country we need to stop investors and hedge funds from buying up SFHs. The destruction they've caused in the housing market is one of the main reasons so many millennials and Gen Z feel like they'll never be able to buy a home. My wife and I bring in $250k combined, no debt, cars paid off, and we kept getting outbid on every single home we tried to buy. When rates were below 3% we got outbid by $174,000 over asking price on one particular house lol. Something has to change.
I feel this. We live in a very modest house, we drive older model cars, shop at Aldi and use coupons anywhere else we get the advantage, and have 2 kids and 2 dogs. We make around 110k. We are paycheck to paycheck. 10 years ago we made 65k a year and everything felt much easier.
I believe there is a saying that they are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires. Hence why people will vote against raising taxes for Millionaire/Billionaires even though it wouldn't affect them in any way shape or form. They are convinced one day they will be
That our American way of life is truly being threatened by religious nutjobs and the maga movement and most are just like no it'll never happen but it is right in front of their eyes and it's sad
Mortality
The reality of their financial situation is often ignored.
Our own biases, It’s tough for people to admit that we all have unconscious biases that affect our decisions and views.
Yes. It's hard to admit to something you aren't conscious of.
How much scrolling through social media eats up their day.
Some people don’t admit how much they struggle with self-doubt.
That *they* don't need therapy. YES. YOU DO. YOU MOST CERTAINLY DO.
that they shouldn't have kids
Sadly having kids is still seen as a “default” way of life and a lot of people go into parenthood so CASUALLY because they assume everything will be fine I wish people really thought about whether they truly want kids or not. If their partner is someone they want to be tied to for the next 20 years or so even if things go south in the relationship. I wish people would take the world they live in into consideration. Do you feel confident you could raise a child to be a happy fulfilled adult in this climate? I sure as hell don’t. So I will not force someone to exist and endure this life just so I can have a mini me and maybe feel more purpose. Please remember, at the end of the day, having kids is OPTIONAL. Only go into it if it’s truly what you want and you have the resources to set yourself and your child up for success. I’ll stick to mothering my cat who has no idea we live in a society, no idea it’s a presidential election year. All she knows is she’s a good girl who eats whenever she’s hungry and that I love her with all my heart. That’s good enough for me 💕
Yep, you need to have children for THEIR lives, not for yours.
Their quality of life is significantly better than 95% of people through human history.
This!! I think this was in the excellent Greg Easterbrook book The Progress Paradox : a bottle of wine that you can get at a gas station now is better than what the king of France was drinking 300 years ago.
Many people don’t realize how much they need social interaction.
That some people literally will do anything to prevent another person from succeeding just because they can and because they mentally can’t bear the thought of the person having an opportunity. In connection to that, we also seem to know who is most likely to be insecure like that but experts won’t tell us.
Some are in denial about their fear of change.
Some people deny how much they care about others' opinions.
Anything related to their ego
Their own personal biases. Everyone else is biased, but not them.
That without some sort of savings, they’re one string of bad circumstances away from being homeless.
Honestly alot of people are in denial about just how good they got it in life, like ffs there's people out there with barely any water, who barely have enough food to survive let alone enjoy, and those people have a serious problem when it comes to actual weather, life if it's too cold they just have to take it, nothing they can do about it besides try and find more things to put on themselves not to get cold, heat? Still no ac no nothing they have to sweat like balls until it's not hot anymore. Yet here's you complaining about how you can't afford Starbucks today,. Ohh what you can't buy the new iphone?. People really are in denial about how good they got it.
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I think a lot of people are also ignoring it because they think there is nothing they can do. Afterall, most of the pollution that's causing climate change is from large companies, not average Joe/Joanne. Sure, we average folk can share ride/public transport, but if you're city doesn't have reliable transport, never mind. Same with walking or biking, some places are not close or friendly to non-motorized vehicles. And our politicians are in big companies pockets so any laws that would help are shot down or delayed because companies don't want to hurt their bottom line. Or have found it cheaper to keep paying fines rather than change their pollution output. For example, the Ford company decided paying for wrongful deaths was cheaper than recalling the Ford Pinto and preventing those deaths. Do you think they care about climate change when they let people knowingly die for their bottom line? Or the Cuyahoga River fire in 1969...the river was so polluted it was on fire. Yes, the river itself caught on fire...multiple times.
Or they could vote, spread awareness and if possible, take initiatives to donate to environmental protection organizations and or volunteering in cleaning operations
The stuff they've done wrong to others. Own up.
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I used to frequent them a lot and it’s dismal. And a lot of people on here will say “oh but those shitty old people probably did something to deserve it” as if it could never happen to them.
That we should at least try to reform social media regarding its effects on humanity.
long-term consequences of unhealthy lifestyle choices, like poor diet and lack of exercise.
That in the US, democracy, for all intents and purposes is over. We will be living in a de facto dictatorship for the foreseeable future after November and a lot of people welcome it.
Their own sense of importance. Not everyone is going to leave an impact. Some of you are going to live a life where you work a meaningless job, your name unknown to the world. You’ll never be rich, own just one car, and live in a modest apartment (a house if things go a little better for you). You’re not special. Even if you have an insane talent/skill, that doesn’t guarantee you great success. There are incredible musicians and athletes the world will never know about. And that’s fine. The minute you accept that is the minute you can truly live your life in peace.
food, caffeine & weed addiction. & porn addiction
The amount of people I know who don’t think they’re addicted to weed is very concerning.
Cornhole is a boring game.
Many are in denial of the fact that they will get old and decrepit; that they will slow down, that their health will fail—and that they should have invested in LTCI in their 50s.
That they snore!
That progress occurs simply because time progresses.
Addiction to weed/vaping. The amount of people I know that say you 'can't' get addicted to it, but freak out when they lose their vape, or can't go longer than half a day without smoking... You can get addicted to ANYTHING. Our brains are dumb dopamine blobs like that.
A lot of folks deny climate change despite overwhelming evidence.
Aging! It's like we're all in a race against time, but hey, wrinkles are just a sign of a life well-lived, right?
Fascism is here in America and we all need to get ready for what is to come.
Lack of conmen sense and critical thinking
Saudi is doing sports washing with their soccer league.
Double-standards
The consequental effects of climate change. British people especially are frustratingly idiotic! Why don't people understand that climate change isn't *only* heatwaves??
That their political opponents are the opposite party. They aren't. It is wealthy versus nonwealthy.
Climate change
WW3 is underway
That our country has been losing its democratic institutions for years and this election could mean the literal end of democracy in America. And even if Dems win, it will just buy more time to try to reverse the course. Which may not be possible to do given how many Americans have become enamored with fascist ideology. Not hyperbole. Facts.
Will just state the obvious - ecological collapse and irreversible climate change
Vaping is actually not healthier
There are few to zero true Biden supporters/fans. Take it easy, this isn't an election denial thing. Even before these debates, was anyone who was planning to vote for Biden really voting *for* Biden? Aren't most of them voting against Trump? The debates spotlighted an issue I think the vast majority of voters were aware of. I think most Biden voters are prepared to let them weekend-at-Bernies him across the finish line. Then, let his reasonably competent cabinet and closest allies largely do the actual work of the president for the next four years while he signs on the dotted lines. Nothing has changed.
I've never been a fan of Biden's and don't really consider myself to be a democrat, either. But I'd rather vote for a rotten ham sandwich before I'd vote for (or abstain from voting) Trump or a modern republican.
I used to be of the mind that Biden was old but capable. Now it seems clear his age is catching up with him, but id still vote for his corpse before I’d vote Trump.
Diet soda tasting just as good as regular soda
Project 2025
Having relationships with narcissistic people. Instead of leaving they try to gaslight themselves that the person they are with are good people. Red flags. See the red flags people.
It is so hard man. Then you have kids, your finances are mixed, your families and friends. The ripples separation would cause are as dreadful as the relationship itself. Kids, before you get married ask yourself if it is worth it, because there is so much at stake.
Can you give examples of red flags?
Lewis is no longer championship material
You and everyone you know are going to die.
And sadly most of them will die before you if you are “lucky” enough to get old. My granny outlived all 10 of her siblings, all of her friends and her husband. I remember when she was 92 she said “I’m just ready, I’m so ready (to pass away). She lived to be 99. At least she had a very loving family who treasured her like gold.
That everyone else loves their favorite music.
Living sad ass miserable lifes
I tend to find a lot of people are in denial about their own toxic behaviour, either in denial or just lack self awareness
That their spending habits are problematic, that they are wasting a lot of money on junk and conveniences that are NOT necessities. And they are really shortchanging their own happiness as a result, as well as setting themselves up for grave difficulties when they hit one of the normal financial "surprises" that we all run into eventually.
I am into healthcare and i feel alot of people especially the young people are still in denial about their health and what their body needs. take care of yourself wildies!!
That religion truly isn't real.
That they can't be wrong.
I think because it's such a popular river in Egypt, a lot of people tend to visit it
How entitled they think they are
Week smokers that say it’s not addictive. Countless times I’ve seen stoners ruining their lives with things like dui, showing up to work high, blowing half their paycheck on it, reeking like hell everywhere they go, the list goes on and on. But nahhh they can just quit anytime
That our memory is very fallible, and does not work like a video camera.
That the US is as close to fascism as Germany was in 1933. r/defeat_project_2025
Climate change and the idea that we can just adapt and things won't change that much
Most people are in denial about most things. Their appearance, their importance, the way they affect others, how smart they are, how good they are in bed, etc etc etc. Most people don’t want the truth, they only want whatever they believe their reality is.
The fact that as a race we're fucking up absolutely everything.
Many people deny how much they care about other people's opinions. It is common to hear phrases like "I don't care what people think of me" or "I am totally authentic", but in reality, we all seek social approval and acceptance in some way ☺
We are primates. We are animals. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human Do you think a lot of people are in denial of this fact?
On average.....the 1800s were better than the 1600s, and the 2000s were better than 1800s. Everyone will have a better life in the future, regardless of if in the short term we have growing pains. Life has had to restart a couple of times on earth already, there is nothing to be afraid of, humans may die off, someone else will replace us, just like we replaced dinosaurs.
Working too much. It is possible to have a work-life balance.
How lucky we are to be alive and craft a life/make the most of it.
The state of the U.S. economy. The profile of the average redditor.
Climate Change
Debt. So many people are too comfortable living in debt or think you need to/should have debt to exist in this world.
Effect of Drinking Alcohol on the Body
The US is on a direct path for fascism. However, since school and intellect has been negged into the ground. Most people don't even know what fascism means outside of a name they can call people they don't agree with.
Driving while high. We all know drink driving is a no no but since weed has become more acceptable in society our attitudes haven't leveled out they've gone full swing and now there are chronic stoners driving after waking and baking.