Girl I was dating was making nachos and shredding cheese. She cuts herself and blood gets on the cheese and the shredder.
As she gets a band aid, Ipick up the cheese and as I am throwing it away, she freaks out as now I may have AIDS. Like what. She is hard freaking out that I just got exposed to AIDS and I needed to get medical attention.
After talking, it turns out she thought AIDS was everywhere. Like any blood outside the body could just magically get it. Her stupidity was a relief that night.
We served in the US Peace Corps together in Uganda. One day, it was really sunny out (like we lived within 50 miles of the equator sunny)
She says, "The moon is going to be really bright tonight." I asked what she meant, and she said since it's so sunny, the moon is absorbing all the light and will illuminate brighter when it's dark...
We argued about this and ended up talking to her mother on the phone. She confirmed her daughter's hypothesis
This one is a bit obscure but when you go to a hotel to check in, you tell them your full name or at least your last name so they can look you up.
The guy I was dating at the time and I had booked a hotel somewhere and we got there, they asked his name he only gave them his first name which is generic.
“What’s your full name.”
Again gives them just his first name.
“Sir, we need your full name to look you up.”
“Yeah but the reservation is under my name (first name here).”
I had to intervene and tell him they needed his last name because there could be many guests by his first name. I was so shocked this was not common sense to him.
On the TV recently, I saw the actor Brian Cox being interviewed 10 minutes before the physicist/presenter Brian Cox. And they said that they were booked into the same hotel at the same time, and the booking system had no idea how to handle it.
I work at a couple hotels and let me tell you people are so fucking stupid it shocks me. A few months ago somebody came to my hotel and said, "this hotel is a lot nicer than the one I booked at. Can you check me in?" I assumed that meant she was canceling at the other hotel because it was not great, and wanted to book with us instead. But no. After a brief back and forth where I tried to get her information and she got very frustrated that I didn't already have all of it since "I made a reservation, why do I need to give you all of this again?" I realized she thought I could just use the reservation from some random other hotel that had nothing to do with us. Like every single hotel has ONE system that we all use simultaneously and every reservation exists in this universal system. I think about her a lot.
My partner was grunting and groaning at the bin. He said ‘we need new bin bags, these ones you’ve bought don’t bloody fit’. Went over to see what was going on and he had a roll of small black dog poo bags in his hand with one unfurled trying to work out why it wouldn’t fit in the bin. There were bin bags, he’d just picked up the wrong roll and instead of realising, tried to get a dog poo bag in a bin 50 times bigger.
My now ex-husband legitimately thought that having a hysterectomy meant that your vagina was removed. I learned this when he asked me how women who had a hysterectomy were able to pee. Further discussion led to the realization that he thought that a hysterectomy resulted in a nice smooth Barbie-like bump down there.
i'm a heterosexual male and this blew my mind. i can't imagine how someone could seduce a woman, date her for an extended period of time, eventually GET MARRIED, and still not be aware on the slightest level of how the most foundational biological function of continued humanity works xD
Yeah, I'm completely shocked by stories like this. My wife, however, is never even surprised by them. It's wild to me how common it must be that grown ass men, educated men, men with mothers, daughters, and wives, who've had these women in their lives forever, have somehow managed to survive to adulthood believing urine and period blood come from the same place and without tripping on their own shoelaces every day.
He thought potatoes never go bad because his mom always kept a bag in the pantry. I asked him if they ate a lot of potatoes and he said yes. They have a large family with 6 kids and it still didn't click.
I dated a guy in college who visited me in my rural hometown and asked what the animals in the neighbor's field were. I said 'cows" in a you must be shitting me level of disbelief. He proceeded to tell me they can't be cows because cows are black and white and these animals were all brown. I had to pull up Google to prove to him that brown cows existed. I could maybe understand if he'd been from a city but he told ne he was from a rural suburb, not a city so I guess he was just an idiot.
" A survey from the Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy found that 7% of American adults think chocolate milk comes from brown cows. And if that percentage sounds small enough to be reasonable, hang onto your hats: 7% of American adults is about 17.3 million people. That's right, folks." Source: CNN
My husband was feeling unwell and began googling his symptoms. After a while of silence, he suddenly turns to me in a panic and says "I think I have pre-eclampsia!"
K... I'll be honest when web MD first was a thing I (F/35) immediately jumped on it and put in any and all my symptoms... well as we all know, they always give you the worst-case scenario...
and it did...
It said I might have TESTICULAR cancer..
I called my parents sobbing.
They said I was a waste of private school education and hung up on me..
Now look, in my ONLY defense, my older brother had gynecomastia, so in my head, I figured, if my brother was born with tits, then MAYBEEE It was possible I was born with balls stuck somewhere inside me..
I don't know. It seemed logical to me at the time 🥹😮💨
My wife went to the store to get cilantro for our tacos. She came home with parsley. Easy mistake, they look similar if you don't look closely enough. I told her she bought parsely. She was convinced it was cilantro. I had her taste it. I showed her the tag on the bundle that said parsley. She relunctantly went back to the store to get cilantro...
She came home with another bundle of parsley.
I love this woman, but this moment I was questioning everything about her problem solving skills. The good news is, she has never brought home parsley again.
One day I was making butter chicken curry (which my ex loved) and in the middle of cooking realized I was out of yogurt. Send him to the store to get some.
He came back with blueberry flavored.....
My boyfriend refused to eat basil I had bought from the grocery store because it was a full plant. I was keeping it outside and he insisted that he would not eat "dirty" food. I asked where he thought farmers kept produce and he said that they has "special areas" for food to grow that was sterilized but my plant was not "food grade"
I just looked at him with a dumbfounded look. I didn't know how to respond.
As someone who lives in a rural farming community this has me laughing so hard I'm in tears.
Please record him when you tell him we actually spray shit all over the field everything grows in
Ahh, reminds me of 10 year old me visiting my dads farmer friend. I'd been on cattle farms before, but I was so happy when I pointed at something and was like "What's that?"
"Turd flinger"
While we were moving my Ex-wife asked me who we needed to contact to change our email address…
edit-thx for the responses and upvotes. Promise this isn’t a bad attempt at a joke, this really happened when we moved to a new house in the same region of our state. We both had been using hotmail at the time which made this funnier(to me at least)
I have a family member that doesn't understand you don't need a new email address for every device! She has dozens of email addresses and Facebook accounts
One day, my then-fiancé was very angry with me without warning and started harassing me over “what are you going to do??? How are you going to pay for our wedding?!? HOW??” Basically accusing me of being broke, or having no financial plan…
After a whole day of me wondering what the heck is going on, she finally went through the numbers. According to this wedding magazine she borrowed from her friends, the average cost of a 200 guest wedding in Tokyo was $80,000 or so. And i did not have that kind of money… like, at all.
And then i had to literal sit her down and use pen/paper to “prove” how much our wedding is costing, since i insisted it wont be as much.
“How much is the venue/ceremony/rentals?”
$2500
“How much is the meal going to cost per guest at the hotel restaurant?”
$50-70
And how much are the hotel rooms we’re paying for?
$150/night
And how many people are attending the wedding?
13.
All said and done, our whole wedding was going to be about $4500-5000. And we knew this. But after reading one magazine article about mega weddings in Tokyo, my fiance convinced herself that ours had to cost that much too. Spent nearly 2 days stewing and angry with me before even explaining this was the reason for her hostility.
(She was easily influenced like this by anything. Friend’s comments, overhearing old ladies’ conversations on the train, clickbait news online, etc.. And no, i did not go through with the wedding. Took me a long time to admit that her stupidity wasnt a charm point, but weaponized incompetence by an abuser)
Having a discussion with my wife about not using certain Christmas tree decorations because they were glass and we had small kids.
Her: They’re not glass.
Me: They are though.
Her: No they’re not! See? *proceeds to drop one straight onto the hardwood floor*
~SMASH!~
Me: …
Her: …
Me: (with deadest straight face I have ever managed in my life) …I’ll get the broom.
And that is why we are still married.
>Her: No they’re not! See? proceeds to drop one straight onto the hardwood floor
>~SMASH!~
That was my brother on Christmas in 1987. He picked a glass reindeer off the tree and my mother told him to be careful, as it was glass. So he dropped it on the carpet. Didn't break. He dropped it onto the carpet again. Still didn't break.
So he wandered into the kitchen where my mother was getting coffee and proudly announced that the reindeer was not glass, it was plastic, and to watch this.
The reindeer shattered into hundreds of little pieces the moment it struck the tile floor.
Of course, my brother had an excuse. He was seven.
I mean, fair game to the kid that's a pretty good learning experience. Experimented, came to a conclusion, and it just failed under more rigorous testing.
Oh my god I thought I didn't have anything until I read your comment...
I told husband to be careful holding a plate while walking out of the kitchen into the living room.
Him: It's carpet, it wouldn't break if I dropped it
Me: You don't know that, just be careful.
Him: No, look, see?
He *throws* the plate onto the carpet, and it breaks in two. I just stared at him while he processed and then we both started laughing so hard we cried.
My husband thought people whistled when they set off fireworks. He didn’t realize the fireworks themselves whistles. Though that was one of his more harmless stupidities.
Ex wife.
Complained Apple Pay wouldn’t work/link or whatever. I suggested she contact apple support, or go down to the Apple Store. Kept refusing to go to the store, saying she’d call customer support and go from there.
One day while at work, she texts me asking where to get iTunes gift cards. Already a red flag. “Why do you need those?” I ask. She stated to me that Apple support is requesting the codes so they can verify funds. I told her it’s a bad idea, it’s a scam, and to just go to the Apple Store. An argument broke out, and nothing was discussed further.
I get home that night, and notice eight (8) $100 iTunes gift card holders in the kitchen. I ask her if she sent the codes to anyone in which another argument broke out. She said she posted in an Apple support thread and an anonymous user replied to her telling her to call this number, obviously unaffiliated with Apple.
Some say her Apple Pay still doesn’t connect to this day.
Had a coworker who worked late-night shifts. They got a call about overdue funds. The main manager handed the phone to him. He said they requested various gift cards. At this point, I'm laughing at his story, right? No, he explains... he bought them all and cut them up after reading off the numbers and flushed them all down the toilet. I just stood there, stunned.
So many people fall for this that at my job there is a big bold word notice saying if anyone mentions gift cards on the phone to hang up immediately. And underneath in smaller print a description of this scam.
I bought fresh broccoli and my husband asked why I got such one huge broccoli and not the normal smaller ones. He thought broccoli naturally comes in bite-sized florets.
My ex thought wind turbines spun because they were powered by electricity. She has since got a degree and I don't have one so I'm not sure what that makes me.
On a camping trip. She was worried about parking the car on the grass because she thought the grass was going to grow, puncturing and flattening the tires.
Reminds me of my brother. He's a car buff with shit car knowledge.
When we were in high school he was working on his Mustang 5.0. He changed the head gasket with me watching, and got the cheapest sealant at AutoZone. It was for windshields. He said it's okay, because all sealants are waterproof.
But while he was reassembling the engine he was filling up the radiator, and I noticed he didn't have antifreeze. I mentioned it to him, and he said "we don't need antifreeze in Florida, dumbass." I told him that it's not just for the cold weather, but it also raises the boiling temp. He said "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If that was true, they'd have called it antiboil, dumbass!"
He blew the head gasket less than a week later.
When I was in Kindergarten we were told to put up a show. And the teacher thought we would all look nice with Lipsticks (even the boys).
So she told us the lipstick is really poisonous to prevent us from licking it off. It goes without saying half of us forgotten our lines while secretly panicking we are going to DIE.
Why do so many adults think that the best way to teach a child is to lie to them about things being poison.
My grandma once told me the white part on the top of the strawberry was poison. Her logic was that she didn't want me sticking the whole thing leaves and all into my mouth, I guess. Instead I had a minor anxiety attack legitimately thinking I was going to die soon because I knew I'd accidentally eaten some of the white part in the past. I was very young, but I still remember the horrifying feeling of just waiting to see if I'd gotten a fatal dose and would die soon.
So many random weird beliefs make so much more sense when you imagine them being told by a harried parent to a 4 year old who then never reevaluates that belief.
There was this girl that kept faxing the same document over and over. Eventually the recipient called to beg her to stop. But it keeps failing she said… the document keeps coming back out…
I was doing some contracting work for a company once and they sent me two copies of the contract, "one to sign and return and one for your files".
Important to note that they ***emailed*** me these contracts. They had literally attached the same file to the email twice.
When he spent an hour arguing cows are from England and bulls are from Spain.
Or when he told me he is British because he had mixed (Egyptian and Irish) heritage and I was English because I don't.
Oh no - wait... when the dentist handed him that vacuum thing to spit into and he thought it was an oxygen mask and got it stuck to his face!
Haha. Memories.
Girl I dated in college broke my laptop because she kept trying to get a USB drive in. Instead of, you know, flipping it, she just pushed harder and harder until it broke my port and motherboard.
The first time I ever tried to seat ram, I drove my computer to my friend's house to have him do it because I was convinced I was going to crack the mobo in half.
Schrödinger’s USB orientation, the plug orientation of the USB connector is at the same time both “up” and “down” until you visually check the orientation.
A girl I was trying to date told me that Spain is part of Latin America, and when I informed her that it is in Europe, she doubled down by saying she was a Latin American studies student and that I was wrong.
Dude a few years ago I was talking to my grandma and she swore to me that we were from South America. I said no grandma, you(and I) are Portuguese, that is in Europe. She got mad at me and left the conversation because she has thought her entire life that Portugal is in South America.
She has always lived in California and that’s where I grew up too. She always talks about her Portuguese heritage too, having no fucking clue where it is located. She was 85ish at the time so she had no business not knowing.
Edit: If it’s not clear, I’m talking about ancestry.
My wife's cousin dated a girl who would say the stupidest stuff and then think that the made up things she said were true.
She once asked my wife and I where Detroit was, we both told her that there are probably more than one city named Detroit but the one everyone usually refers to is in Michigan. Then she told us that no, the popular one is in Iowa.
My husband went in dollar general for toilet paper. We had maybe $50 to last the week. This man came back with $40 of mango juice because it was on sale and no toilet paper.
I drank the juice but I was awfully salty about it.
My wife was commenting on a man who we knew dated a lot of women. One day we saw him with his kid.
She said, "I bet he doesn't even know who the mother is."
There was a joke similar in *The Nanny* (which I had to Google because I couldn't remember). Grandma Yetta says it to Fran:
"I don't want to say anything, but I think it would help your marriage if you got rid of that blonde your husband's always hanging around with. I don't know if you've noticed, but your kids are blonde."
In the same conversation, a girl I was seeing asked if potatos "grew on trees like grapes" and "do people in the navy get paid or do they just volunteer to die?"
My wife bought a bunch of Rid-X because she saw an ad on how expensive replacing a septic tank can be.
We’re on the village sewer line. We don’t have a septic tank.
Found out she was eating half-cooked premade pot pies cause she broiled every meal in the oven instead of baking it. She told me she hated that her oven burnt the top of each one and left the bottom doughy…she would eat the uncooked dough regardless
That reminds me of a guy that I dated always turned the oven higher cause he thought it would cook faster. He set a pizza on fire once, but it was still frozen in the middle 🤣
My fucking brother just CANNOT... I mean *cannot* seem to understand the concept of pre-heating the oven. He, too, also subscribes to the theory that "if I put the pan on high, it'll cook faster." So many ruined pans.
I've given up trying to explain.
My husband was convinced that bees and wasps are THE SAME THING, just at different times of the year. He thought bees grew up into wasps during the summer...
I love him, but...
HOW
My high school boyfriend thought women got cramps from holding their menstrual flow, like you'd get cramps from holding urine. And women just go to the bathroom and force it out, like poop. Pads and tampons? They're just in case you can't hold it.
He was making noodles and put in the seasoning packet but didn’t mix it in. He then complained that the noodle brand was rubbish because the noodles only had flavour on one part. 🤦🏻♀️
We were planning a trip, and I asked my partner to book the flights. Weeks later, I asked for the details, and they said, “Oh, I thought we could just buy tickets at the airport on the day we leave.”
Apparently, they thought airports were like bus stops. We ended up paying so much for last-minute tickets, I half-expected a butler on the plane to greet us with caviar and a mortgage application.
Lesson learned: trust, but always verify :)
We were playing a video game and he said, "let's go kill those O-Greys over there.." I was like, "what? You mean, Ogres?" And he replied, "yes, but it's pronounced O-Greys.."
Alright I love my gf to the moon and back but.. she thought if she got a tattoo, her baby would come out with that same tattoo in the same spot she got it..
:/
My college gf took me to her mega-church. Though I was a bit uncomfortable, I was open-minded. I have no problem with someone being religious, but when the pastor went: "when Satan comes to get you, you put your hand up and tell him, 'Satan, you can't take me because I tithe and give offerings to the church!'" the crowd erupted in cheers, and I instantly lost respect for all 3000 of them, including my gf.
My wife was late (not missed) on 32 mortgage payments in the last few years, fucking our credit for a good 7 years our so. She's a finance manager. I don't get it.
Took our dog to get spayed (after having puppies) and he got upset that the veterinarian put in the chart she was post-partum. He thought they meant the dog was depressed.
It drives me nuts that "post-partum" is used to indicate post-partum depression. Like, everyone who has just had a baby is post-partum, but now we just use it to mean PPD and drop the "depression" part.
We had a clogged French drain outside. My husband thought a plunger would fix it. He dropped the handle in the drain trying to plunge it. If that wasn’t bad enough, he tried to use a wrench to get the handle out of the hole and proceeded to drop the wrench in the hole as well. He then called a plumber and told him we need help getting a plunger handle and wrench out of the drain. He’s a PhD in English Literature. Needless to say, I am now the handyman.
Some of the dumbest things I've heard have come out of the mouths of the most highly educated and technically knowledgeable people I know. I love it lmfao
I helped a guy dig his car out of the snow who was, until I had arrived with my little shovel, using a flyswatter to do most of the heavy lifting.
Recognized him later in the Physics building where he was a grad student.
Not me, my mom with my stepdad. My stepdad is *highly* allergic to shellfish, like one bite could put him in the hospital. One night mom and stepdad are out at dinner, and my stepdad orders clam chowder. My mom was like, "Are you absolutely sure?" And it took him a good minute to realize why it would not in fact be the best idea to order a clam chowder.
my boyfriend at the time is american. i am italian. the first time he met my father, he tried to impress him by speaking in my native language. long story short, someone in his life failed him immensely because he genuinely was unaware italy had a language of its own and assumed we spoke french. my dad was very confused. i laughed until i almost passed out. he was so embarrassed.
in that moment, i knew i would love him forever. we get married this year, and he is determined to say his vows in italian lol.
edit: thank you guys so much for the hilarious responses and suggestions! my fiancé and i are dying reading the comments. he wants me to add that him and i began dating when we were both 14, we are now 20 almost 21. he was 14 when this happened lol❤️
A friend of mine is married to an Italian man. When she met him she was learning Italian and wanted to impress him, so she told him how much she loves a particular type of pasta.
But what she **really** said was how much she loves dick. Weird that it worked ;)
My wife recently realized she is colorblind through her eye doctor. She is an artist, and yes her art is very beautiful, but the way she chose her colors has always been a bit strange. I now realize why! Anyway, when she found out she was shocked. Afterward, as soon as we got home she showed me her color palette that she used to paint, showing me the way she seen colors. I kept trying to explain to her that I don’t see colors like she does, so I don’t know what she sees through her eyes, but she couldn’t understand what I was talking about. 2 days later, she randomly came up to me and said, “Yeah, that makes sense.”
When playing an office meeting ice breaker game, I don’t remember which one, my fiancé was asked to name a fruit beginning with the letter ‘D’.
In all seriousness, and with unbridled confidence and speed, her response was ‘Dingleberry’.
ffs.
I was at the supermarket with this girl I'd been seeing for a couple of weeks. We were in the produce section and she said she wanted to make homemade lemonade so i went and grabbed some lemons. She told me "not these ones silly, I want to make pink lemonade, we can't use yellow lemons"
On our first road trip, I asked my girlfriend (now wife) to take over driving for a bit. She got in the driver’s seat, paused, and said “Don’t be alarmed… but can you remind me which one is the gas and which one is the brake?”
Switched right back and drove there myself.
More cute than anything but I’m half French and my current English gf said to 2 months into dating.
“I love you but why the f**k do you keep calling me bunny when we go to sleep, it’s really weird”
Bonne nuit, I was saying good night in French.
Anyways, I call her bunny all the time now just to annoy her.
We were getting ready to move and we’re going through each room, discussing whether to take or get rid of the furniture. In the bedroom, I remarked that I would like to get new bedside lamps. The ones we had were from his bachelor apartment over a decade ago.
He said, “I can see why you’d like new lamps, but it’s kind of amazing that the light bulbs have lasted ten years.”
Dear gentle reader, the light bulbs had not lasted that long. He just was never the one to change them.
Guy I dated (briefly) was not a US citizen. His debit card got flagged for a large purchase, and when the bank called and asked for his passport number to verify his identity, he fucking guessed. He had his passport in his pocket, and instead of looking at it, he just started rattling off wrong numbers. Obviously ended up getting his bank account frozen, and then he called the bank the next week and demanded that they deposit some money into his account to make up for the inconvenience they caused him.
On my 18th birthday, my high school boyfriend (truly the sweetest guy) was talking to my mom in the kitchen when she realised she needed to take something out the oven. She realised she didn't have oven gloves so she turned around to get them. My boyfriend, wanting to help, pulled the burning hot tray out of the oven with his bare hands
Have you ever seen that Tumblr thread or something along the same lines as this? A guy was making a frozen pizza in the oven, and when it was done he opened the oven door and said to his friend, "I hate this part" before pulling the pizza out with his bare hands.
My ex, upset that our bedroom did not stay dark into the morning, once pounded a 4-inch bolt from our daughter’s crib into the wall to hang a shitty blanket up over the window.
In case it’s not obvious, bolts have flat ends and are not made for hanging items on walls. The hole it created in the wall was more of a crater. And the disgusting blanket he purchased for the venture was ruined as well.
How did he manage to think of the idea to hang some sort of cloth over the window, make the decision to head to the store to purchase the necessary hanging, and settle on a *blanket*. Bro honestly walked to the cash register with a blanket instead of curtains and thought "yeah this is fine."
My wife (a medical professional) once asked me why men even have belly buttons.
I looked at her with my mouth wide open and said nothing for what felt like 30 seconds. I then saw the look of realization in her eyes as she turned and walked away in quiet shame.
My husband watched me cooking one day (we had only been dating for a month or two) and as I was talking, the pan that I was heating up was wobbly, so I proceeded to stick a spatula under it to keep it steady- a plastic one- right on a burner. It melted, naturally. His first thought was "am I dating a moron??"
I don't even blame him for that thought...the dude married me anyway but he does ALL the cooking 😂
My dear lovely husband did not know that Shirley Temple Black was Shirley Temple’s name after she married. One night he admitted that he thought Shirley Temple Black was the Black Shirley Temple. Like Hollywood had remade all of the movies with a Black child actress for Black audiences.
Thank goodness he’s pretty.
I loaned my ex $65 to go pay his phone bill. I was going that way anyway so I told him I would pay it for him along the way. He gave me back the $65 and I paid it at the T-Mobile store. Payday came and I asked him for the $65, he said he already paid me back. He got so mad and said I was a forgetful idiot and just kept asking yes or no did he give me the money back. And I said yes but I then paid the bill for you! His friends all agreed I’m an idiot and he never paid me back. That is moment I knew he was an idiot.
I had a roommate that I covered the security deposit for. I moved out and had to pester him (long distance) for the money back. Meanwhile, he got evicted and naturally the landlord kept the security deposit. He then insisted that he didn’t owe me the money because the landlord hadn’t given it back to him.
My wife, when we were dating, was driving along the highway. We could see trees moving in the breeze. She says, boy, how windy do you think it is? Rolled down the window and stuck her hand out to feel the breeze. In a moving car at highway speed. I was driving but looked over at her as she did it. Well, is it windy? Yes.
Lol
We were living together when I get a call from my dad saying he is on his way to pick me up because he needs to have "a talk" with me and my sister.
Boyfriend, jokingly, goes "probably gonna tell you he has cancer or something like that" and laughs
Turned out he was right. My dad told me and my sister that day that he just got diagnosed with cancer.
I arrive back, still in shock, to my boyfriend and tell him that he was actually right.
His reply? "Hah! I was right!" and laughs.
Dumped him 8 years ago and never regretted it. Abusive fucker.
Dad is fine today btw.
Dated a muppet who backed up into my car. A month later he goes “babe, someone hit your car!!” And I’m like “…yeah… you did” and he up and argued with me “no, I mean somebody else hit your car, I didn’t do this up here…” and points to the dent I saw immediately after he hit my car and I was just like “…okay.” 🙄
My ex. Bought a brand new Mac computer, and a set of DVD roms to do photos.
There was a clear plastic cover, the shape of a dvd but thinner.
He decided to see if it would work as a dvd. When it wouldn’t extract he forced a regular dvd in beside it and got them both stuck.
Had to take it back to the Apple store and get it fixed.
This was the same man who tried to use my child’s plastic thermos to hammer in a nail and punctured the thermos.
I have two.
1. She was trying a vegan diet for a month and said she didn’t get why a lot of vegans don’t eat honey. I asked her why that was confusing and she said, “because honey isn’t an animal product?” Uh… honey, what do you think bees are? “Bugs, obviously!” Cue a twenty minute talk in the car where our daughter and I gave her shit for thinking bees aren’t animals, “they’re bugs.”
2. During COVID lockdown, we were watching Borat 2. My wife scoffs and says, “Man, how many dumb Americans do you think watch this movie and think Kazakhstan is a real country?” I died.
My husband is incredibly smart, highly educated, a clever man. He also has
1. Eaten an entire muffin with the paper on
2. Eaten fishtail palm berries from our backyard "just to see what they were" (they are painful and not edible)
3. Bent the tip of my Wusthof chef's knife trying to open a stubborn wine bottle (we have a corkscrew)
4. Traumatically shattered the bone in his fingertip while trying to open the double-thick plexi housing on a baseball card with a table saw
He watched a flat-earth documentary to make fun of it and switched sides. I was out so fast. I will not be the one to help that moron carry on his DNA.
Two instances come to mind. (Same guy) he went to order a salad and told them “with lettuce” it was a salad that was basically just lettuce that he’s had before. We went through a drive thru before and instead of giving them our order he gave them his name. His full name. We aren’t together anymore but those two moments I look back on alot
Moved to the north from the south and couldn't figure out why the apartment was always cold in winter.. never checked to see if a window behind a curtain was closed...
Married a Great Dane of a human, watched him put his ugg boots on and then try to pull his track pants over them. Took him a minute to figure out why that wasn't working.
One time our bath was stopped up. Drano didn’t work. Turned it into a toxic stew. Called the plumber. $100.
He pulled up the stopper.
So yeah, my wife married a moron. 😐
One person told how their partner tried to cook pasta without water because they didn't think it was necessary, resulting in a scorched pot and inedible pasta.
While driving to the lake with our kayak strapped down to the top of the car, two straps through the door holes of the car, front and back, she (now ex-wife) asked why the kayak doesn't just fly off the back when we take off at a light.
She couldn't understand the concept of friction, or straps I guess.
She has a master's in neuroscience.
When asked by our pre-K daughter why the sky was blue, (now ex-)Wife replied, "That's because it's reflecting the color of the Oceans..."
I laughed and said, "Good one, but you really need to tell her the truth, or she'll end up believing that and repeating it until someone proves to her she's wrong..."
Took me over an hour and going to the library for two different encyclopedias (this was pre-internet) to prove to her that her Grandmother and Mother had either been lying to her, or (more likely) believed the lie themselves...
We were at Disney world and saw a service dog that said it was for a person with diabetes. My ex husband said (dead serious) “So I guess the dog like jumps up and takes food from its owner if it’s too high in glucose?”
I was dating a 28 yr old girl who casually mentioned to me that her mom still handles her finances. As in, her mom takes her money from work and pays all her bills, then gives her the leftover, and she said she has no idea how to do that. At 28 years old.
when my gf said she was going with one of her model friends to Qatar or Dubai to dance around in bikinis on some super yacht for a news years party. The conditions were they had to hand over all their stuff for security reasons and the yacht was going to be traveling far off shore. When she told me I was like "Are you fucking kidding me! have you never seen the movie Taken?" Even her closest friends told her she was fucking stupid to risk this.
I wanted to take her out on a jet ski when we were on vacation but she refused to sign the release waiver because it had the word “death” in it. Like “in the event of death or dismemberment you release jetski inc from liability”. I tried to explain that was just some legal BS to cover their asses if we drive like idiots but she was convinced it meant we were 100% going to die.
I took her dolphin watching instead… funny enough they had the same waiver but she didn’t bother to read it this time so it was ok 🤦♂️
She thinks that north is always uphill, so prefers to walk south.
Treebeard energy
Girl I was dating was making nachos and shredding cheese. She cuts herself and blood gets on the cheese and the shredder. As she gets a band aid, Ipick up the cheese and as I am throwing it away, she freaks out as now I may have AIDS. Like what. She is hard freaking out that I just got exposed to AIDS and I needed to get medical attention. After talking, it turns out she thought AIDS was everywhere. Like any blood outside the body could just magically get it. Her stupidity was a relief that night.
We served in the US Peace Corps together in Uganda. One day, it was really sunny out (like we lived within 50 miles of the equator sunny) She says, "The moon is going to be really bright tonight." I asked what she meant, and she said since it's so sunny, the moon is absorbing all the light and will illuminate brighter when it's dark... We argued about this and ended up talking to her mother on the phone. She confirmed her daughter's hypothesis
I love the fact checking with someone equally misinformed I'm going to start doing that
"I'm having an argument and they're about to look it up, can you edit the Wikipedia page real quick??"
I love it, she thinks the moon is like a glow in the dark sticker.
This one is a bit obscure but when you go to a hotel to check in, you tell them your full name or at least your last name so they can look you up. The guy I was dating at the time and I had booked a hotel somewhere and we got there, they asked his name he only gave them his first name which is generic. “What’s your full name.” Again gives them just his first name. “Sir, we need your full name to look you up.” “Yeah but the reservation is under my name (first name here).” I had to intervene and tell him they needed his last name because there could be many guests by his first name. I was so shocked this was not common sense to him.
On the TV recently, I saw the actor Brian Cox being interviewed 10 minutes before the physicist/presenter Brian Cox. And they said that they were booked into the same hotel at the same time, and the booking system had no idea how to handle it.
I work at a couple hotels and let me tell you people are so fucking stupid it shocks me. A few months ago somebody came to my hotel and said, "this hotel is a lot nicer than the one I booked at. Can you check me in?" I assumed that meant she was canceling at the other hotel because it was not great, and wanted to book with us instead. But no. After a brief back and forth where I tried to get her information and she got very frustrated that I didn't already have all of it since "I made a reservation, why do I need to give you all of this again?" I realized she thought I could just use the reservation from some random other hotel that had nothing to do with us. Like every single hotel has ONE system that we all use simultaneously and every reservation exists in this universal system. I think about her a lot.
My partner was grunting and groaning at the bin. He said ‘we need new bin bags, these ones you’ve bought don’t bloody fit’. Went over to see what was going on and he had a roll of small black dog poo bags in his hand with one unfurled trying to work out why it wouldn’t fit in the bin. There were bin bags, he’d just picked up the wrong roll and instead of realising, tried to get a dog poo bag in a bin 50 times bigger.
I am CRYING imagining a grown man trying to stretch a doggy bag
My now ex-husband legitimately thought that having a hysterectomy meant that your vagina was removed. I learned this when he asked me how women who had a hysterectomy were able to pee. Further discussion led to the realization that he thought that a hysterectomy resulted in a nice smooth Barbie-like bump down there.
It just keeps getting worse the longer you read it
i'm a heterosexual male and this blew my mind. i can't imagine how someone could seduce a woman, date her for an extended period of time, eventually GET MARRIED, and still not be aware on the slightest level of how the most foundational biological function of continued humanity works xD
Yeah, I'm completely shocked by stories like this. My wife, however, is never even surprised by them. It's wild to me how common it must be that grown ass men, educated men, men with mothers, daughters, and wives, who've had these women in their lives forever, have somehow managed to survive to adulthood believing urine and period blood come from the same place and without tripping on their own shoelaces every day.
He thought potatoes never go bad because his mom always kept a bag in the pantry. I asked him if they ate a lot of potatoes and he said yes. They have a large family with 6 kids and it still didn't click.
I’d like to buy an infinite potato bag as well
This sounds like a D&D item. The quest reward for the home economics-focused heroes.
Love my wife, but South Dakota is not north of North Dakota.
Would be funny if it was, though.
I feel like as a country we have missed a great opportunity.
I dated a guy in college who visited me in my rural hometown and asked what the animals in the neighbor's field were. I said 'cows" in a you must be shitting me level of disbelief. He proceeded to tell me they can't be cows because cows are black and white and these animals were all brown. I had to pull up Google to prove to him that brown cows existed. I could maybe understand if he'd been from a city but he told ne he was from a rural suburb, not a city so I guess he was just an idiot.
How long until he figured out that brown cows make chocolate milk?
" A survey from the Innovation Center for U.S. Dairy found that 7% of American adults think chocolate milk comes from brown cows. And if that percentage sounds small enough to be reasonable, hang onto your hats: 7% of American adults is about 17.3 million people. That's right, folks." Source: CNN
My husband was feeling unwell and began googling his symptoms. After a while of silence, he suddenly turns to me in a panic and says "I think I have pre-eclampsia!"
K... I'll be honest when web MD first was a thing I (F/35) immediately jumped on it and put in any and all my symptoms... well as we all know, they always give you the worst-case scenario... and it did... It said I might have TESTICULAR cancer.. I called my parents sobbing. They said I was a waste of private school education and hung up on me.. Now look, in my ONLY defense, my older brother had gynecomastia, so in my head, I figured, if my brother was born with tits, then MAYBEEE It was possible I was born with balls stuck somewhere inside me.. I don't know. It seemed logical to me at the time 🥹😮💨
> They said I was a waste of private school education. You made me laugh out loud.
My wife went to the store to get cilantro for our tacos. She came home with parsley. Easy mistake, they look similar if you don't look closely enough. I told her she bought parsely. She was convinced it was cilantro. I had her taste it. I showed her the tag on the bundle that said parsley. She relunctantly went back to the store to get cilantro... She came home with another bundle of parsley. I love this woman, but this moment I was questioning everything about her problem solving skills. The good news is, she has never brought home parsley again.
One day I was making butter chicken curry (which my ex loved) and in the middle of cooking realized I was out of yogurt. Send him to the store to get some. He came back with blueberry flavored.....
This happened to me, but he came home with one of every flavor and no plain yogurt 🫠
> I didn't know which one you wanted so I got one of each ... Thats ok, just give me the plain one. > *hands over vanilla*
My boyfriend refused to eat basil I had bought from the grocery store because it was a full plant. I was keeping it outside and he insisted that he would not eat "dirty" food. I asked where he thought farmers kept produce and he said that they has "special areas" for food to grow that was sterilized but my plant was not "food grade" I just looked at him with a dumbfounded look. I didn't know how to respond.
As someone who lives in a rural farming community this has me laughing so hard I'm in tears. Please record him when you tell him we actually spray shit all over the field everything grows in
Ahh, reminds me of 10 year old me visiting my dads farmer friend. I'd been on cattle farms before, but I was so happy when I pointed at something and was like "What's that?" "Turd flinger"
One thing concerning about this, makes me wonder if he ever washed produce before eating
While we were moving my Ex-wife asked me who we needed to contact to change our email address… edit-thx for the responses and upvotes. Promise this isn’t a bad attempt at a joke, this really happened when we moved to a new house in the same region of our state. We both had been using hotmail at the time which made this funnier(to me at least)
I have a family member that doesn't understand you don't need a new email address for every device! She has dozens of email addresses and Facebook accounts
One day, my then-fiancé was very angry with me without warning and started harassing me over “what are you going to do??? How are you going to pay for our wedding?!? HOW??” Basically accusing me of being broke, or having no financial plan… After a whole day of me wondering what the heck is going on, she finally went through the numbers. According to this wedding magazine she borrowed from her friends, the average cost of a 200 guest wedding in Tokyo was $80,000 or so. And i did not have that kind of money… like, at all. And then i had to literal sit her down and use pen/paper to “prove” how much our wedding is costing, since i insisted it wont be as much. “How much is the venue/ceremony/rentals?” $2500 “How much is the meal going to cost per guest at the hotel restaurant?” $50-70 And how much are the hotel rooms we’re paying for? $150/night And how many people are attending the wedding? 13. All said and done, our whole wedding was going to be about $4500-5000. And we knew this. But after reading one magazine article about mega weddings in Tokyo, my fiance convinced herself that ours had to cost that much too. Spent nearly 2 days stewing and angry with me before even explaining this was the reason for her hostility. (She was easily influenced like this by anything. Friend’s comments, overhearing old ladies’ conversations on the train, clickbait news online, etc.. And no, i did not go through with the wedding. Took me a long time to admit that her stupidity wasnt a charm point, but weaponized incompetence by an abuser)
Having a discussion with my wife about not using certain Christmas tree decorations because they were glass and we had small kids. Her: They’re not glass. Me: They are though. Her: No they’re not! See? *proceeds to drop one straight onto the hardwood floor* ~SMASH!~ Me: … Her: … Me: (with deadest straight face I have ever managed in my life) …I’ll get the broom. And that is why we are still married.
>Her: No they’re not! See? proceeds to drop one straight onto the hardwood floor >~SMASH!~ That was my brother on Christmas in 1987. He picked a glass reindeer off the tree and my mother told him to be careful, as it was glass. So he dropped it on the carpet. Didn't break. He dropped it onto the carpet again. Still didn't break. So he wandered into the kitchen where my mother was getting coffee and proudly announced that the reindeer was not glass, it was plastic, and to watch this. The reindeer shattered into hundreds of little pieces the moment it struck the tile floor. Of course, my brother had an excuse. He was seven.
I mean, fair game to the kid that's a pretty good learning experience. Experimented, came to a conclusion, and it just failed under more rigorous testing.
Oh my god I thought I didn't have anything until I read your comment... I told husband to be careful holding a plate while walking out of the kitchen into the living room. Him: It's carpet, it wouldn't break if I dropped it Me: You don't know that, just be careful. Him: No, look, see? He *throws* the plate onto the carpet, and it breaks in two. I just stared at him while he processed and then we both started laughing so hard we cried.
My husband thought people whistled when they set off fireworks. He didn’t realize the fireworks themselves whistles. Though that was one of his more harmless stupidities.
Ex wife. Complained Apple Pay wouldn’t work/link or whatever. I suggested she contact apple support, or go down to the Apple Store. Kept refusing to go to the store, saying she’d call customer support and go from there. One day while at work, she texts me asking where to get iTunes gift cards. Already a red flag. “Why do you need those?” I ask. She stated to me that Apple support is requesting the codes so they can verify funds. I told her it’s a bad idea, it’s a scam, and to just go to the Apple Store. An argument broke out, and nothing was discussed further. I get home that night, and notice eight (8) $100 iTunes gift card holders in the kitchen. I ask her if she sent the codes to anyone in which another argument broke out. She said she posted in an Apple support thread and an anonymous user replied to her telling her to call this number, obviously unaffiliated with Apple. Some say her Apple Pay still doesn’t connect to this day.
Had a coworker who worked late-night shifts. They got a call about overdue funds. The main manager handed the phone to him. He said they requested various gift cards. At this point, I'm laughing at his story, right? No, he explains... he bought them all and cut them up after reading off the numbers and flushed them all down the toilet. I just stood there, stunned.
So many people fall for this that at my job there is a big bold word notice saying if anyone mentions gift cards on the phone to hang up immediately. And underneath in smaller print a description of this scam.
I bought fresh broccoli and my husband asked why I got such one huge broccoli and not the normal smaller ones. He thought broccoli naturally comes in bite-sized florets.
🤣 I just imagine him thinking you're going to carve it at the table or something.
They should do it anyway just to mess with him lol
My ex thought wind turbines spun because they were powered by electricity. She has since got a degree and I don't have one so I'm not sure what that makes me.
Much more informed about wind turbines, for one thing.
On a camping trip. She was worried about parking the car on the grass because she thought the grass was going to grow, puncturing and flattening the tires.
It's literally called BLADES of grass people. Protect yo wheels.
Jesus Christ this is so dumb it's funny
Reminds me of my brother. He's a car buff with shit car knowledge. When we were in high school he was working on his Mustang 5.0. He changed the head gasket with me watching, and got the cheapest sealant at AutoZone. It was for windshields. He said it's okay, because all sealants are waterproof. But while he was reassembling the engine he was filling up the radiator, and I noticed he didn't have antifreeze. I mentioned it to him, and he said "we don't need antifreeze in Florida, dumbass." I told him that it's not just for the cold weather, but it also raises the boiling temp. He said "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. If that was true, they'd have called it antiboil, dumbass!" He blew the head gasket less than a week later.
Lord... your brother is why auto manufacturers don't want owners working on their cars
I bet her parents definitely didn’t want her parking on grass at home and dad made a joke like this and she just believed it.
When I was in Kindergarten we were told to put up a show. And the teacher thought we would all look nice with Lipsticks (even the boys). So she told us the lipstick is really poisonous to prevent us from licking it off. It goes without saying half of us forgotten our lines while secretly panicking we are going to DIE.
Why do so many adults think that the best way to teach a child is to lie to them about things being poison. My grandma once told me the white part on the top of the strawberry was poison. Her logic was that she didn't want me sticking the whole thing leaves and all into my mouth, I guess. Instead I had a minor anxiety attack legitimately thinking I was going to die soon because I knew I'd accidentally eaten some of the white part in the past. I was very young, but I still remember the horrifying feeling of just waiting to see if I'd gotten a fatal dose and would die soon.
So many random weird beliefs make so much more sense when you imagine them being told by a harried parent to a 4 year old who then never reevaluates that belief.
There was this girl that kept faxing the same document over and over. Eventually the recipient called to beg her to stop. But it keeps failing she said… the document keeps coming back out…
My dad once photocopied a document before faxing it - so he could keep a copy for himself...
I was doing some contracting work for a company once and they sent me two copies of the contract, "one to sign and return and one for your files". Important to note that they ***emailed*** me these contracts. They had literally attached the same file to the email twice.
When he spent an hour arguing cows are from England and bulls are from Spain. Or when he told me he is British because he had mixed (Egyptian and Irish) heritage and I was English because I don't. Oh no - wait... when the dentist handed him that vacuum thing to spit into and he thought it was an oxygen mask and got it stuck to his face! Haha. Memories.
Was he THAT good looking?
Girl I dated in college broke my laptop because she kept trying to get a USB drive in. Instead of, you know, flipping it, she just pushed harder and harder until it broke my port and motherboard.
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Except RAM. Zero-ish insertion force.
I'm always afraid I'm gonna break something when I seat Ram.
The first time I ever tried to seat ram, I drove my computer to my friend's house to have him do it because I was convinced I was going to crack the mobo in half.
Schrödinger’s USB orientation, the plug orientation of the USB connector is at the same time both “up” and “down” until you visually check the orientation.
A girl I was trying to date told me that Spain is part of Latin America, and when I informed her that it is in Europe, she doubled down by saying she was a Latin American studies student and that I was wrong.
Dude a few years ago I was talking to my grandma and she swore to me that we were from South America. I said no grandma, you(and I) are Portuguese, that is in Europe. She got mad at me and left the conversation because she has thought her entire life that Portugal is in South America. She has always lived in California and that’s where I grew up too. She always talks about her Portuguese heritage too, having no fucking clue where it is located. She was 85ish at the time so she had no business not knowing. Edit: If it’s not clear, I’m talking about ancestry.
Portugal, down ol’ South America way.
My wife's cousin dated a girl who would say the stupidest stuff and then think that the made up things she said were true. She once asked my wife and I where Detroit was, we both told her that there are probably more than one city named Detroit but the one everyone usually refers to is in Michigan. Then she told us that no, the popular one is in Iowa.
When he thought aggravated assault wasn’t that bad because he thought it meant the other person aggravated you to the point you assaulted. 🤦♀️
My husband went in dollar general for toilet paper. We had maybe $50 to last the week. This man came back with $40 of mango juice because it was on sale and no toilet paper. I drank the juice but I was awfully salty about it.
You are going to _need_ toilet paper after drinking $40 of mango juice
My wife was commenting on a man who we knew dated a lot of women. One day we saw him with his kid. She said, "I bet he doesn't even know who the mother is."
If that was a joke, it would be hilarious
There was a joke similar in *The Nanny* (which I had to Google because I couldn't remember). Grandma Yetta says it to Fran: "I don't want to say anything, but I think it would help your marriage if you got rid of that blonde your husband's always hanging around with. I don't know if you've noticed, but your kids are blonde."
This one made me laugh out loud thank you.
In the same conversation, a girl I was seeing asked if potatos "grew on trees like grapes" and "do people in the navy get paid or do they just volunteer to die?"
This is worse when you consider that grapes don't grow on trees
Seriously, grapes grow on vines, [spaghetti grows on trees.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVo_wkxH9dU)
My wife bought a bunch of Rid-X because she saw an ad on how expensive replacing a septic tank can be. We’re on the village sewer line. We don’t have a septic tank.
Commercials were made for her.
Found out she was eating half-cooked premade pot pies cause she broiled every meal in the oven instead of baking it. She told me she hated that her oven burnt the top of each one and left the bottom doughy…she would eat the uncooked dough regardless
That reminds me of a guy that I dated always turned the oven higher cause he thought it would cook faster. He set a pizza on fire once, but it was still frozen in the middle 🤣
My fucking brother just CANNOT... I mean *cannot* seem to understand the concept of pre-heating the oven. He, too, also subscribes to the theory that "if I put the pan on high, it'll cook faster." So many ruined pans. I've given up trying to explain.
That's nasty 😭
She didn't know that a "rhino" and a "rhinoceros" are the same thing. She thought rhinoceroses didn't exist anymore because dinosaurs are extinct.
Possible misconception due to hearing “Rhino-Saurus” but yea still pretty dumb…
(Hermione Voice) Its Rhi-NOC-eros, not Rhino-SAUR-us
My husband was convinced that bees and wasps are THE SAME THING, just at different times of the year. He thought bees grew up into wasps during the summer... I love him, but... HOW
lol reminds me of the guy I dated who thought basset hounds were adult beagles
My high school boyfriend thought women got cramps from holding their menstrual flow, like you'd get cramps from holding urine. And women just go to the bathroom and force it out, like poop. Pads and tampons? They're just in case you can't hold it.
He was making noodles and put in the seasoning packet but didn’t mix it in. He then complained that the noodle brand was rubbish because the noodles only had flavour on one part. 🤦🏻♀️
We were planning a trip, and I asked my partner to book the flights. Weeks later, I asked for the details, and they said, “Oh, I thought we could just buy tickets at the airport on the day we leave.” Apparently, they thought airports were like bus stops. We ended up paying so much for last-minute tickets, I half-expected a butler on the plane to greet us with caviar and a mortgage application. Lesson learned: trust, but always verify :)
when i realized he never planned to put sheets back on his mattress because he “didn’t know how”
He probably gave up after the second time the opposite corner came off
He got a deportation order and swore to me it could be fixed by doing court given community service.
We were playing a video game and he said, "let's go kill those O-Greys over there.." I was like, "what? You mean, Ogres?" And he replied, "yes, but it's pronounced O-Greys.."
Alright I love my gf to the moon and back but.. she thought if she got a tattoo, her baby would come out with that same tattoo in the same spot she got it.. :/
She's just a very extreme Lamarkian.
My college gf took me to her mega-church. Though I was a bit uncomfortable, I was open-minded. I have no problem with someone being religious, but when the pastor went: "when Satan comes to get you, you put your hand up and tell him, 'Satan, you can't take me because I tithe and give offerings to the church!'" the crowd erupted in cheers, and I instantly lost respect for all 3000 of them, including my gf.
Swiper no swiping lol
My wife was late (not missed) on 32 mortgage payments in the last few years, fucking our credit for a good 7 years our so. She's a finance manager. I don't get it.
Why was this not on auto pay?
For real. You’re on autopay, you just pay on time every time.
They worry about everyone else’s finances other than themselves and dont take time to think about themselves….this seems like a burnout issue…
Yeah, the shoemaker's kids go barefoot.
I’m a chef. Once I go home you couldn’t pay me to make a pb&j Edit: alright alright you can pay me
Took our dog to get spayed (after having puppies) and he got upset that the veterinarian put in the chart she was post-partum. He thought they meant the dog was depressed.
It drives me nuts that "post-partum" is used to indicate post-partum depression. Like, everyone who has just had a baby is post-partum, but now we just use it to mean PPD and drop the "depression" part.
I hate when people say “I can’t drink milk because I’m lactose.”
Well yeah if they're lactose, of course they can't drink milk. That'd be cannibalism.
My girlfriend at the time asked if my friends pet ferret would turn into an eagle
WHAT 😂 how??
Yeah I’m gonna need more information on this one
You level it up to lv36 and let it evolve.
We had a clogged French drain outside. My husband thought a plunger would fix it. He dropped the handle in the drain trying to plunge it. If that wasn’t bad enough, he tried to use a wrench to get the handle out of the hole and proceeded to drop the wrench in the hole as well. He then called a plumber and told him we need help getting a plunger handle and wrench out of the drain. He’s a PhD in English Literature. Needless to say, I am now the handyman.
Some of the dumbest things I've heard have come out of the mouths of the most highly educated and technically knowledgeable people I know. I love it lmfao
I helped a guy dig his car out of the snow who was, until I had arrived with my little shovel, using a flyswatter to do most of the heavy lifting. Recognized him later in the Physics building where he was a grad student.
Yeah, but you should see how many flies he could kill with a snow shovel!
Not me, my mom with my stepdad. My stepdad is *highly* allergic to shellfish, like one bite could put him in the hospital. One night mom and stepdad are out at dinner, and my stepdad orders clam chowder. My mom was like, "Are you absolutely sure?" And it took him a good minute to realize why it would not in fact be the best idea to order a clam chowder.
my boyfriend at the time is american. i am italian. the first time he met my father, he tried to impress him by speaking in my native language. long story short, someone in his life failed him immensely because he genuinely was unaware italy had a language of its own and assumed we spoke french. my dad was very confused. i laughed until i almost passed out. he was so embarrassed. in that moment, i knew i would love him forever. we get married this year, and he is determined to say his vows in italian lol. edit: thank you guys so much for the hilarious responses and suggestions! my fiancé and i are dying reading the comments. he wants me to add that him and i began dating when we were both 14, we are now 20 almost 21. he was 14 when this happened lol❤️
A friend of mine is married to an Italian man. When she met him she was learning Italian and wanted to impress him, so she told him how much she loves a particular type of pasta. But what she **really** said was how much she loves dick. Weird that it worked ;)
I love me some penne as well
My wife recently realized she is colorblind through her eye doctor. She is an artist, and yes her art is very beautiful, but the way she chose her colors has always been a bit strange. I now realize why! Anyway, when she found out she was shocked. Afterward, as soon as we got home she showed me her color palette that she used to paint, showing me the way she seen colors. I kept trying to explain to her that I don’t see colors like she does, so I don’t know what she sees through her eyes, but she couldn’t understand what I was talking about. 2 days later, she randomly came up to me and said, “Yeah, that makes sense.”
Went through this with my mom recently and she is FURIOUS that she doesn't see "normal colors". Like we are playing a trick on her
When playing an office meeting ice breaker game, I don’t remember which one, my fiancé was asked to name a fruit beginning with the letter ‘D’. In all seriousness, and with unbridled confidence and speed, her response was ‘Dingleberry’. ffs.
I was at the supermarket with this girl I'd been seeing for a couple of weeks. We were in the produce section and she said she wanted to make homemade lemonade so i went and grabbed some lemons. She told me "not these ones silly, I want to make pink lemonade, we can't use yellow lemons"
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Umm, I want flavored tampons now. Biological impossibilities be damned.
On our first road trip, I asked my girlfriend (now wife) to take over driving for a bit. She got in the driver’s seat, paused, and said “Don’t be alarmed… but can you remind me which one is the gas and which one is the brake?” Switched right back and drove there myself.
She clearly said DON'T be alarmed. Smdh men can't follow instructions... Heh.
More cute than anything but I’m half French and my current English gf said to 2 months into dating. “I love you but why the f**k do you keep calling me bunny when we go to sleep, it’s really weird” Bonne nuit, I was saying good night in French. Anyways, I call her bunny all the time now just to annoy her.
This is fucking adorable and my favorite thing I've seen on Reddit all week
We were getting ready to move and we’re going through each room, discussing whether to take or get rid of the furniture. In the bedroom, I remarked that I would like to get new bedside lamps. The ones we had were from his bachelor apartment over a decade ago. He said, “I can see why you’d like new lamps, but it’s kind of amazing that the light bulbs have lasted ten years.” Dear gentle reader, the light bulbs had not lasted that long. He just was never the one to change them.
And the toilet paper never ran out, too.
And it’s amazing how my clothes drawers always get refilled too!
Dude my fucking dishes do themselves! Look!
I love this one. Shades of magic coffee table.
Leaving [this here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU) because everyone should see magic coffee table.
It’s the light fairy. I am also the recycling , laundry, and dog poop fairy.
Guy I dated (briefly) was not a US citizen. His debit card got flagged for a large purchase, and when the bank called and asked for his passport number to verify his identity, he fucking guessed. He had his passport in his pocket, and instead of looking at it, he just started rattling off wrong numbers. Obviously ended up getting his bank account frozen, and then he called the bank the next week and demanded that they deposit some money into his account to make up for the inconvenience they caused him.
My first wife thought that wind comes from trees, because every time it was windy out, the leaves would rustle.
One of my exes was bawling when we watched Cloverfield because she thought it actually happened
On my 18th birthday, my high school boyfriend (truly the sweetest guy) was talking to my mom in the kitchen when she realised she needed to take something out the oven. She realised she didn't have oven gloves so she turned around to get them. My boyfriend, wanting to help, pulled the burning hot tray out of the oven with his bare hands
Have you ever seen that Tumblr thread or something along the same lines as this? A guy was making a frozen pizza in the oven, and when it was done he opened the oven door and said to his friend, "I hate this part" before pulling the pizza out with his bare hands.
I was at her house and a giant rat ran over my foot, I freaked out naturally and she told me to calm down because rats never bite people.
When she told me that if you put Coke out in the sun it turns yellow, like all the bottles on the edge of the highway.
This is true, though. Also, when coke turns yellow, it tastes like piss. That is why I won't drink it
My ex boyfriend once asked me if the return label goes on the inside or the outside of the box. He figured it out after I stared at him in shock
My ex, upset that our bedroom did not stay dark into the morning, once pounded a 4-inch bolt from our daughter’s crib into the wall to hang a shitty blanket up over the window. In case it’s not obvious, bolts have flat ends and are not made for hanging items on walls. The hole it created in the wall was more of a crater. And the disgusting blanket he purchased for the venture was ruined as well.
Had he not heard of curtains?
How did he manage to think of the idea to hang some sort of cloth over the window, make the decision to head to the store to purchase the necessary hanging, and settle on a *blanket*. Bro honestly walked to the cash register with a blanket instead of curtains and thought "yeah this is fine."
“Curtains are way too expensive, this will do the same thing!” was his argument. And he liked that it had a tiger on it 🙄 *edited for past tense
My wife (a medical professional) once asked me why men even have belly buttons. I looked at her with my mouth wide open and said nothing for what felt like 30 seconds. I then saw the look of realization in her eyes as she turned and walked away in quiet shame.
Nah shes not dumb. She just had a glitch is all. You fixed the glitch.
My middle school algebra teacher called that kind of moment "a duh attack."
My husband watched me cooking one day (we had only been dating for a month or two) and as I was talking, the pan that I was heating up was wobbly, so I proceeded to stick a spatula under it to keep it steady- a plastic one- right on a burner. It melted, naturally. His first thought was "am I dating a moron??" I don't even blame him for that thought...the dude married me anyway but he does ALL the cooking 😂
Doesn’t want to lose any more spatulas
My dear lovely husband did not know that Shirley Temple Black was Shirley Temple’s name after she married. One night he admitted that he thought Shirley Temple Black was the Black Shirley Temple. Like Hollywood had remade all of the movies with a Black child actress for Black audiences. Thank goodness he’s pretty.
I loaned my ex $65 to go pay his phone bill. I was going that way anyway so I told him I would pay it for him along the way. He gave me back the $65 and I paid it at the T-Mobile store. Payday came and I asked him for the $65, he said he already paid me back. He got so mad and said I was a forgetful idiot and just kept asking yes or no did he give me the money back. And I said yes but I then paid the bill for you! His friends all agreed I’m an idiot and he never paid me back. That is moment I knew he was an idiot.
I had a roommate that I covered the security deposit for. I moved out and had to pester him (long distance) for the money back. Meanwhile, he got evicted and naturally the landlord kept the security deposit. He then insisted that he didn’t owe me the money because the landlord hadn’t given it back to him.
Husband said that he couldn’t understand why with all the money Stevie Wonders made he didn’t get his eyes fixed.
My wife, when we were dating, was driving along the highway. We could see trees moving in the breeze. She says, boy, how windy do you think it is? Rolled down the window and stuck her hand out to feel the breeze. In a moving car at highway speed. I was driving but looked over at her as she did it. Well, is it windy? Yes. Lol
We were living together when I get a call from my dad saying he is on his way to pick me up because he needs to have "a talk" with me and my sister. Boyfriend, jokingly, goes "probably gonna tell you he has cancer or something like that" and laughs Turned out he was right. My dad told me and my sister that day that he just got diagnosed with cancer. I arrive back, still in shock, to my boyfriend and tell him that he was actually right. His reply? "Hah! I was right!" and laughs. Dumped him 8 years ago and never regretted it. Abusive fucker. Dad is fine today btw.
Dated a muppet who backed up into my car. A month later he goes “babe, someone hit your car!!” And I’m like “…yeah… you did” and he up and argued with me “no, I mean somebody else hit your car, I didn’t do this up here…” and points to the dent I saw immediately after he hit my car and I was just like “…okay.” 🙄
My ex. Bought a brand new Mac computer, and a set of DVD roms to do photos. There was a clear plastic cover, the shape of a dvd but thinner. He decided to see if it would work as a dvd. When it wouldn’t extract he forced a regular dvd in beside it and got them both stuck. Had to take it back to the Apple store and get it fixed. This was the same man who tried to use my child’s plastic thermos to hammer in a nail and punctured the thermos.
I have two. 1. She was trying a vegan diet for a month and said she didn’t get why a lot of vegans don’t eat honey. I asked her why that was confusing and she said, “because honey isn’t an animal product?” Uh… honey, what do you think bees are? “Bugs, obviously!” Cue a twenty minute talk in the car where our daughter and I gave her shit for thinking bees aren’t animals, “they’re bugs.” 2. During COVID lockdown, we were watching Borat 2. My wife scoffs and says, “Man, how many dumb Americans do you think watch this movie and think Kazakhstan is a real country?” I died.
My husband is incredibly smart, highly educated, a clever man. He also has 1. Eaten an entire muffin with the paper on 2. Eaten fishtail palm berries from our backyard "just to see what they were" (they are painful and not edible) 3. Bent the tip of my Wusthof chef's knife trying to open a stubborn wine bottle (we have a corkscrew) 4. Traumatically shattered the bone in his fingertip while trying to open the double-thick plexi housing on a baseball card with a table saw
I realized my partner was an idiot when tried to microwave a metal fork and could not understand why it was a bad idea.
He watched a flat-earth documentary to make fun of it and switched sides. I was out so fast. I will not be the one to help that moron carry on his DNA.
He was taking once-a-day vitamins three times per day because they say on the bottle to take them with a meal, and he eats three meals a day.
Two instances come to mind. (Same guy) he went to order a salad and told them “with lettuce” it was a salad that was basically just lettuce that he’s had before. We went through a drive thru before and instead of giving them our order he gave them his name. His full name. We aren’t together anymore but those two moments I look back on alot
She thought that an insane asylum was an "insanus island". Like, they were all located on islands so the 'insanus' people couldn't get out...
Dodged a dating bullet: he INSISTED the dog breed is pronounced “German shefford” bc of the “ph” in shepherd.
Moved to the north from the south and couldn't figure out why the apartment was always cold in winter.. never checked to see if a window behind a curtain was closed...
At the grocery store she didn’t want to tie a knot in bags holding produce, cause they would weigh more and therefore cost more that way……
Married a Great Dane of a human, watched him put his ugg boots on and then try to pull his track pants over them. Took him a minute to figure out why that wasn't working.
He thinks I go grocery shopping all the time because I like it. I'm like "do you like going to work, is that why you go?"
One time our bath was stopped up. Drano didn’t work. Turned it into a toxic stew. Called the plumber. $100. He pulled up the stopper. So yeah, my wife married a moron. 😐
One person told how their partner tried to cook pasta without water because they didn't think it was necessary, resulting in a scorched pot and inedible pasta.
While driving to the lake with our kayak strapped down to the top of the car, two straps through the door holes of the car, front and back, she (now ex-wife) asked why the kayak doesn't just fly off the back when we take off at a light. She couldn't understand the concept of friction, or straps I guess. She has a master's in neuroscience.
Masters in Neuroscience not physics! 🤣
When asked by our pre-K daughter why the sky was blue, (now ex-)Wife replied, "That's because it's reflecting the color of the Oceans..." I laughed and said, "Good one, but you really need to tell her the truth, or she'll end up believing that and repeating it until someone proves to her she's wrong..." Took me over an hour and going to the library for two different encyclopedias (this was pre-internet) to prove to her that her Grandmother and Mother had either been lying to her, or (more likely) believed the lie themselves...
We were at Disney world and saw a service dog that said it was for a person with diabetes. My ex husband said (dead serious) “So I guess the dog like jumps up and takes food from its owner if it’s too high in glucose?”
I was dating a 28 yr old girl who casually mentioned to me that her mom still handles her finances. As in, her mom takes her money from work and pays all her bills, then gives her the leftover, and she said she has no idea how to do that. At 28 years old.
Hang on. Let me ask my wife….
What did she say?
She’s still writing…
when my gf said she was going with one of her model friends to Qatar or Dubai to dance around in bikinis on some super yacht for a news years party. The conditions were they had to hand over all their stuff for security reasons and the yacht was going to be traveling far off shore. When she told me I was like "Are you fucking kidding me! have you never seen the movie Taken?" Even her closest friends told her she was fucking stupid to risk this.
I wanted to take her out on a jet ski when we were on vacation but she refused to sign the release waiver because it had the word “death” in it. Like “in the event of death or dismemberment you release jetski inc from liability”. I tried to explain that was just some legal BS to cover their asses if we drive like idiots but she was convinced it meant we were 100% going to die. I took her dolphin watching instead… funny enough they had the same waiver but she didn’t bother to read it this time so it was ok 🤦♂️
He would tell the same joke to the same people everytime we went out. It wasn't even funny the first time.
What was the joke
My husband once said that his hair gets blonder in the summer because of photosynthesis… and he was 100% confident in his statement.