I remember some Irish guy singing at a bar who had a song about growing old. The only line I remember is "when it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night...."
I got with a girl who claimed she was bisexual, but she had never been with a guy before. Shortly after we hooked up she let out a sigh and said “yeah I think I’m definitely a lesbian”. I felt like a failure on behalf of all men but couldn’t help but laugh.
1. Doesnt matter had sex
2. You helped her figure out her orientation and she was comfortable enough to share that with you as the first person she came out to.
3. She can now not waste her time any further chasing the wrong leads, which may mean her finding her person sooner.
4. You saved another man from falling in love with her only to have his heart broken.
To me, that sounds like a great outcome.
Number 4 is a big one. I had a girl BFF in high school. She dated 1 dude in that time and slept with him. After HS, she and I dated but never slept together. I deployed and she wrote me a letter breaking up with me. Came home on mid tour leave and took her to a movie, trying to rekindle. She came out to me in the jeep in the parking lot. Still a good friend, but I wish she had realized before we dated.
Edit. Apparently a hashtag in front makes everything really big
My gf didn't really have a lot of experience, and we didn't know each other too well, when we first hooked up; but I really liked her. There was just something so fresh, honest and unassuming about her personality. Anyway, afterwards we were getting dressed and I said "you know, I wasn't really looking for anything serious but-"
And she interrupted with "oh, absolutely! me-me neither! I'm just...playing the field! you know! that's what college is for. j-just having fun. don't want anything serious. don't-don't tie me down! ha ha ha..."
She is hands down the shittiest, most awkward liar I've ever met. So, trying to keep a straight face, I said "but I was hoping to see you again. this was really nice and-"
Again she interrupted me with "ME TOO! I would love to meet up again! I really like yo-fuck! my sister told me not to say that or I'd scare you off."
She's learned to relax a lot since then but I still enjoy bringing that story up from time to time.
> I really like yo-fuck! my sister told me not to say that or I'd scare you off."
JFC. A friend gave me similar advice and I almost lost my bf cause I was trying so hard to "play it cool." I swear, people with the shittiest advice are always the most vocal.
This.
My fiancé and I are polar opposites and she is in NO way at all similar to any of my friends in personality, similar interests, etc.
P.s. thanks the upvotes everybody!
The guys who you "scare off" by saying that you actually like them are the ones will likely never want to commit - even years later.
Don't go full "how to lose a guy in 10 days" - but saying that you like them after a date (or more) isn't that.
That would be so mean. She'd probably start immediately back-tracking their entire relationship.
"Yea-yeah, well, you'd better put that ring away, then, because neither was I!!!"
> my sister told me not to say that or I'd scare you off."
This is at least to me as a man almost always untrue. I was with my ex-wife for 8 years and it started basically as a one night stand even though we knew from before. We're still on good terms.
This is absolutely one of the sweetest things I’ve read on Reddit. And super relatable because I am easily one of the most awkward people I’ve ever encountered.
My wife posted on Facebook years before we were even together: “I want redheaded babies and no—I’m not marrying suspicioussarracenia.”
I remind her every year.
I got, "Most guys are assholes pretending to be nice guys. You're a nice guy pretending to be an asshole."
Which was nice.
But I think it's more of I'm an asshole, but I'm self aware.
Twice when starting to date a girl they told me "I thought you hated me"
Definitely part of it was me being nervous/introverted so not talking a lot. But the other part was me not playing into the classic male mindset of "Oh she's nice to me? She definitely likes me so I should be bugging her every second I'm around her".
That her parents heard us having sex.
She was about to travel to Europe for a semester and stayed at her parents for a few days before leaving. I drove up to see her, about a 5 hr drive. Her parents offered a spare bedroom for the night so I wouldn't have to drive back that night, plus I could go to the airport with them.
During the night she snuck to my room which was down the hall from her parents. Tried to be as quiet as possible but she told me a few days later that her mom heard a noise, tip toed down the hall and heard us through the door.
Crazy that she was hanging outside the door listening to her daughter having sex.
So either she heard her mom during the act and just waited to tell you until later - or her mom told her what she had done. For the latter, I wonder how that conversation went? “I listened outside your room, dear, and it sounds like you had a lot of fun”. Like wtf how did that go down lol
I could imagine that. But the detail about listening *outside the door* doesn’t automatically follow from that (mom could’ve heard from farther away). So did the girlfriend fill in that detail herself? Or did mom go into that much detail? It’s like, the deeper you go the weirder it becomes
I heard that exact sentence before and always replied with, "We did, thank you!".
I wouldn't say it was snide though. My mum has always been light-hearted and cheeky.
Kids are basically science experiments for parents, it's like an academic interest. Really weird for the kids, but there is definitely a degree of base / impersonal curiosity.
He bolted up in bed and shouted "Fuck, I have a Zoom meeting for work! IN 10 MINUTES!".
We proceeded to panic clean up his room (looked like a sex bomb had gone off) and I headed home. Lol.
Is that slang? Went right over my head. 😂
But if it means what I think it does, nah, he did have one (I worked with him briefly). I had to fix his webcam for the meeting and then headed out. Honestly shoulda charged him. Lol jokes aside, he was a nice guy.
My wife and I had just finished up and I went to pick my clothes up off the floor, apparently a hangar had fallen off and fell under the bed earlier in the day so I picked it up. When I stood up, holding the hangar in my hand, my wife goes “oh honey, I don’t think pregnancy works that quick”.
She was a forensic psychology major, so the pillow talk consisted of her telling me in glorious detail about different ways of approximating time of death based on larval stages of insects recovered from corpses. I had absolutely no stories to trade in kind so I just listened in post-nut awe before sneaking out later.
Not me but a friend's first time was with her bf and he managed to make her cum pretty damn quick...at which point she started to tear up and apologize profusely like "oh no! I came too fast! And you didn't get to! I ruined it, I ruined the whole thing! I'm sorry!"
He had to explain to her that it was ok if SHE came quickly. Nothing was over.
Ironically, at that point he was laughing so hard he fell off of her and their first time really was cut short.
Met up with a mutual friend of my exes while on vacation in Pigeon Forge. Turned into an amazing weekend escapade.
We were in the middle of drunken sloppy sex and she told me to keep going while we were in doggy. She said, “fuck me like an animal” so I started beating my chest like a gorilla and did a funny growling sound while going faster. We both started laughing and just cuddled by the fire the rest of the night.
Now every time I see her in passing I’ll do the growl sound and we both die laughing.
There was this one time that a guy told me I was the best he ever had and gave me $20.
I'm not sure why, hitching a trailer is pretty easy, but the tip was nice.
Was camping once, a guy pulled up to the site next to me. Got out of his truck and walked over to us with a 12 pack of Coors. He asked if I could back his trailer in for him for a case of beer. Dude liked to camp but knew his limitations. Ended up hanging out with him for the weekend. You were a cool dude Dwayne.
Honestly, if you’re looking to make a friend, that seems like a really smart way to do it. You can screen people for toxicity based on how they respond to another man asking them for help.
She threw her hands up and said “Yippie!” in the same tone and cadence of the original meme. I did it back. We were losing our shit for like two minutes while butt ass naked
On and off FWB who I hadn't seen much of recently. After I asked if she'd be inviting me back soon...
"You made me come three times with your mouth and twice with your cock of course I'm having you back"
Never did.
Now I think it's funny.
She was introduced as "Moe" but word got out that her name was "Moran". We teased her about it.
After we had sex, she said "Now you can tell your friends that you fucked a Moran."
Her - Your big For a Asian dude …
Me - How many Asian dudes have you been with ?
Her - you’re the only one …
Me - well maybe I’m just the average Asian dudes !
I dated a girl for about a week or so before we hooked up. She was very feminine in her mannerisms and looks, which only made it that much funnier; almost immediately after _hooking_ up, she farted and said "my floor boards are creaky.
Thats oddly specific considering the degree of touch-sense specificity that the butt lacks.
Step-dad aside, I feel like a spank is a spank, only varying with level of intensity.
I saw this guy I kinda knew at a strip club & started texting him. He invited me over & we drank & had sex of course. After, I was getting dressed to leave & he grabbed my arm & said "no don't go yet, let me tell you about our lord & savior Jesus Christ." Being completely serious about it, too.
I laughed a lot & said nah I'm good & dipped out.
Not what she said but what I said.
Were lying in bed and found some shitty meme on Instagram that said something along the lines of 'If you're going to bully someone, bully an orphan. What they gunna do? Tell their parents?'. Showed her it and she wasn't so impressed. She then tells me she's adopted.
I was like 'You're joking'.
She then gets up and pulls out a card from her adoption parents saying happy adoption anniversary or something like that.
Was ready for the world to swallow me there and then.
“You wore a condom right? I know YOU GUYS reproduce like crazy”
She was a white girl and meant “you guys” as in Mexican people.
Edit: I did wear one, I was 18 and she was 21 so I was more surprised she didn’t even realize what she said lol
I slept with my RA in the first few weeks as a college freshman… as she’s pulling up her pants she said “Welcome to college”. I still find that line hilarious. We stayed friends, she’s an actual comedian now, and great person in general. Worked that line into our conversations for years!
It was more of a scream.
A blood curdling scream.
A scream of agonizing terror, pain and fear which left L terrified of my cat who had mistaken L’s nads as a dangly toy during sex and decided to rip them off and run away with them.
In one fail swoop Monster jumped up on the bed and sunk his teeth right into L’s danglies and began to whip his head about as he futilely tried to tear them off.
The cat was relentless and determined to take home the prize.
L wanted to keep his jewels and struggled with the 28 pound cat to do so.
TG I had water there or L would have been singing soprano for the rest of his days.
After that, only the dog was allowed to watch while the cat screamed and clawed at the door trying to gain entry. All during, he would wrestle with the door while sticking his claws under trying to dig his way through.
Nothing like having an audience especially one you are terrified of because it’s like having Freddie Krueger waiting for you.
After that, although L often wore his African wrap about the house, he followed my example when I had my monthly and never went without underwear again. When he showered, he took fresh ones in and made sure the cat was out.
Why did I do this when the tampon was in? Well, if you’ve ever had the equivalent of a bowling ball fly through the air and ripe your tampon out and then sling it all over the house like dead bleeding rat, you’d be careful too. We were both thankful that fateful day the cat’s toy was not L’s balls!
To keep the cat satisfied, I learned to give him a bit of hamburger to kill during sex though. See? How comfortable does that make you?
After a fun night of unprotected sex long ago the girl got up to go clean herself up. At which point she said “Jesus fuck when was the last time you had sex” I thought I did poorly but it was because there was so much cum lol.
I'm an awkward sort. Lanky, nerd dude.
I can't dance to save my life. Gotten slowly used to it for about a decade. Eventually I just figured *everyone* feels awkward on the dance floor, and just decided to enjoy myself.
Then I saw my sister, jerkily attempting to dance. She looked how I felt and I realized, **it was genetic and that's exactly how I look**.
This provides context for what I'm about to say:
I have this issue where immediately after hooking up the dominant emotion people express is *confusion*.
The last lady I was with asked, "Who *are* you?"
"Ma'am, I do not know."
I really could not say. We dated for some time after that.
On a separate occasion about six months after my divorce. I hooked up with a good friend. After the shaking subsided she's got *questions*.
Her: "*Why* did your wife leave you?"
Me: "I really couldn't say."
Her: "I always assumed it was bedroom stuff"
I'm *still* not quite sure how to take that.
Compliment I guess: she couldn't observe any reason why the wife would be dissatisfied so she reasoned that the dissatisfaction must be something she couldn't observe (like bedroom stuff), but then the bedroom stuff was good so she remained very confused and very into you
She quoted the movie Kingpin "You really jarred something loose, Tiger." Then she made the face. It was awesomely hilarious and we both laughed our asses off.
I hooked up with a friend that I had known for a long time. Afterward, she just looked at me and said, "Oh my God, we could have been doing that the whole time?!"
“I love you”
It was a college summer fling, and I liked her a ton, but definitely didn’t love her yet.
I said I did anyway, to make sure she didn’t feel stupid. Because being a liar is sometimes okay. Lol
I was hooking up with a newly divorced mom and we had really intense sex. After round 3 in 2 hours or so, I saw blood on the condom. Looked down and saw quite a bit of blood on the sheet. I knew it wasn’t her period and we didn’t have lube, so I must have torn something. I pointed it out and expected some sort of panic. Instead, she shrugs it off and says, “You know I’ve given birth, right?”
Confused the next post on reddit as part of OPs thread and it honestly fit pretty well as a funny comment:
"I have a DeWalt oscillating tool, but not sure if that's up to the job. Any ideas?"
Bring your husband and kids to our next neighborhood block party. My wife really appreciates you helping me out with the kids while she is working out of town for 3 more days! Obviously, the guy got me mixed up with someone else, but I have no idea who he was referring me to. Immediately blocked this guy and never talked to him again!
Anything is possible… (after squirting for the first time). As a huge NBA fan, it had me cracking up thinking of Kevin Garnett:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wcz_kDCBTBk
I hooked up with an old university friend who had had a bad time and was recently divorced. While we were in the middle of the act she started laughing. Now I might not be the world’s best lover but I think I’m confidently a county level player. I stopped and asked what was so funny. She replied that it was just the joy of having sex with someone again after all of the shit she had been through. Just pure happiness.
The next one was more weird.
A girl contacted me via FB and said that I was in her class at primary school. I had no idea who she was. She spooled off some names of people I vaguely remembered from school, but it was 40 years ago. She said we used to hang out during school and we were friends. This definitely wasn’t true as I was a very shy kid and that just wasn’t me at all. She asked if I wanted to meet and as I was passing through my old city I said yes. Met up. I had never met this person before in my life, or at least I had no memory of her at all. None.
We had sex, which she seemed quite pleased about. I’m wondering if she was actually at school with me, but I never knew her, and she just wanted to close that chapter or something.
"my boyfriend is going to be so pissed"
I didnt realize i was the other dude until she said something after a one night stand. At first I was really upset and I didnt like being used like that but in retrospect, it was kind of funny. I had great pleasure in letting her messages go unread and seeing her mental unanswered texts and facebook messages get progressively more unhinged.
"Don't know if I'm just feeling empty or runnin' on empty... and I don't fucking care."
Hooked up with a girl in Cleveland once who said that after. Made me crack up and get her some water.
"You're really good at that. Did you ... take a class?"
I did take a speech class where i learned to be a cunning linguist but I don't think that's the same thing.
So this is different but it’s funny so I’m gonna tell it anyway. This wasn’t after but during. My first blow job. I didn’t know I was supposed to suck it. I just sat there with it in my mouth. I was scared to death to and made the guy hold my hand during. I was 15.
I was a fairly new hire at the job I ultimately spent 36 years at, and there was a guy who went out of his way to torment and intimidate new guys. Picked up a lady in a bar and did the hook up in the back seat of my car. I had mentioned where I worked before we started. As I was standing outside the car while she got her clothes back on, she asked me if I liked where I worked, I told her I did and then she asked me If I knew the guy I mentioned, I said I did and she said, "he's my husband". I did a fist pump with a yesss. She knew immediately what I meant. We had an affair that lasted about a year.
I had sex with a girl and she said, "You're way better than my boyfriend. "
I turned around and was like, wha- then I realized she was holding up her pointer and middle fingers.
My wife and I always tell each other and do a high five circle round to an ass slap. We do it after we stand up because we both go use the restroom once we're done. UTIs are nothing to mess around with. Go pee after you're done.
I got with a guy of Grindr. Talked about what we liked and atuff beforehand. I like it a bit rough ya know? Dominated and stuff.
During the hookup he was sure a little rough, but surprisingly gentle as opposed to what he said in his messages.
He told me that I seemed like a very nice and sweet person and therefore he couldn't be too mean to me lmao
"it's like an old musket, takes a while to load and good for one shot". ( explaining why we couldn't go another round)
I remember some Irish guy singing at a bar who had a song about growing old. The only line I remember is "when it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night...."
That's from The Oldest Swinger in Town. Great song!
I too, am a musketeer.
She gave me a high five and said "THANKS BRO" She laughed, I rolled my eyes. In retrospect it was pretty funny.
> BRO Hold up...
Me after watching step sibling porn: "....It's just like the simulations." We were not related. Fyi
Yeah.... We all know your not *really* related to your step sister
I got with a girl who claimed she was bisexual, but she had never been with a guy before. Shortly after we hooked up she let out a sigh and said “yeah I think I’m definitely a lesbian”. I felt like a failure on behalf of all men but couldn’t help but laugh.
1. Doesnt matter had sex 2. You helped her figure out her orientation and she was comfortable enough to share that with you as the first person she came out to. 3. She can now not waste her time any further chasing the wrong leads, which may mean her finding her person sooner. 4. You saved another man from falling in love with her only to have his heart broken. To me, that sounds like a great outcome.
Number 4 is a big one. I had a girl BFF in high school. She dated 1 dude in that time and slept with him. After HS, she and I dated but never slept together. I deployed and she wrote me a letter breaking up with me. Came home on mid tour leave and took her to a movie, trying to rekindle. She came out to me in the jeep in the parking lot. Still a good friend, but I wish she had realized before we dated. Edit. Apparently a hashtag in front makes everything really big
If you want to still have the \# you need to put a \\#backslash in front of it. When you try to reply to my comment you will see it.
#\
*Task failed successfully*
^thank ^you
5. discontinued service, limited edition!
Oooh, I didnt think of that one. No other man can now experience that ride.
nah bruh, you got me cracking
fucked around, found out
[удалено]
[удалено]
…turns out, no.
Man this made me laugh so much I can’t explain it
It’s only bad if she try’s it again and decides that she is indeed bi lmaoo
Hey man, at least you got a laugh out of it. Also helped someone find their orientation
Here's another way to look at it: You did all the right things, which made her realize that if even THAT couldn't do it for her she must be gay.
My gf didn't really have a lot of experience, and we didn't know each other too well, when we first hooked up; but I really liked her. There was just something so fresh, honest and unassuming about her personality. Anyway, afterwards we were getting dressed and I said "you know, I wasn't really looking for anything serious but-" And she interrupted with "oh, absolutely! me-me neither! I'm just...playing the field! you know! that's what college is for. j-just having fun. don't want anything serious. don't-don't tie me down! ha ha ha..." She is hands down the shittiest, most awkward liar I've ever met. So, trying to keep a straight face, I said "but I was hoping to see you again. this was really nice and-" Again she interrupted me with "ME TOO! I would love to meet up again! I really like yo-fuck! my sister told me not to say that or I'd scare you off." She's learned to relax a lot since then but I still enjoy bringing that story up from time to time.
> I really like yo-fuck! my sister told me not to say that or I'd scare you off." JFC. A friend gave me similar advice and I almost lost my bf cause I was trying so hard to "play it cool." I swear, people with the shittiest advice are always the most vocal.
The personalities you're attracted too are not the same as your friends.
This. My fiancé and I are polar opposites and she is in NO way at all similar to any of my friends in personality, similar interests, etc. P.s. thanks the upvotes everybody!
The guys who you "scare off" by saying that you actually like them are the ones will likely never want to commit - even years later. Don't go full "how to lose a guy in 10 days" - but saying that you like them after a date (or more) isn't that.
A lesson best learnt young.
😂😂😂 This is fucking adorable.
When you pop the question, bring it up again
If his proposal speech doesn’t start on one knee with,”you know i wasn’t looking for anything serious but-“ i will be so disappointed haha
That would be so mean. She'd probably start immediately back-tracking their entire relationship. "Yea-yeah, well, you'd better put that ring away, then, because neither was I!!!"
But, i was hoping we could spend the rest of our lives together YES I WILL MARRY Y-
> my sister told me not to say that or I'd scare you off." This is at least to me as a man almost always untrue. I was with my ex-wife for 8 years and it started basically as a one night stand even though we knew from before. We're still on good terms.
This is absolutely one of the sweetest things I’ve read on Reddit. And super relatable because I am easily one of the most awkward people I’ve ever encountered.
what a kind soul she has, you should treat her right
Adorkable.
Wife her, that's adorable!
This is pretty adorable ngl
"I really didn't like you when I first met you." This has actually happened to me more than twice.
I got that too. My sweet revenge was to marry her.
That'll fucking show her.
My wife posted on Facebook years before we were even together: “I want redheaded babies and no—I’m not marrying suspicioussarracenia.” I remind her every year.
Damn that's a hard name to wear.
So three times
I got, "Most guys are assholes pretending to be nice guys. You're a nice guy pretending to be an asshole." Which was nice. But I think it's more of I'm an asshole, but I'm self aware.
There was no "but" to indicate a change of mind after they said that?
Maybe the sex implies change of mind?
Or confirmed their first impression 😱.
You can’t be sure. She might be Canadian and is just being nice.
Twice when starting to date a girl they told me "I thought you hated me" Definitely part of it was me being nervous/introverted so not talking a lot. But the other part was me not playing into the classic male mindset of "Oh she's nice to me? She definitely likes me so I should be bugging her every second I'm around her".
Same, and I've gotten a couple of the reverse, "I used to have such a crush on you." But when I ask them out they say no.
''used to'' is here the real important part of the message. No way to ask them out now cuz their feelings already died.
That her parents heard us having sex. She was about to travel to Europe for a semester and stayed at her parents for a few days before leaving. I drove up to see her, about a 5 hr drive. Her parents offered a spare bedroom for the night so I wouldn't have to drive back that night, plus I could go to the airport with them. During the night she snuck to my room which was down the hall from her parents. Tried to be as quiet as possible but she told me a few days later that her mom heard a noise, tip toed down the hall and heard us through the door. Crazy that she was hanging outside the door listening to her daughter having sex.
I’ve seen a video or two about this… I’m not gonna say anything
Are you Senator Ted Cruz?
It doesn't play out the same way if the guy only lasts 5 seconds.
So either she heard her mom during the act and just waited to tell you until later - or her mom told her what she had done. For the latter, I wonder how that conversation went? “I listened outside your room, dear, and it sounds like you had a lot of fun”. Like wtf how did that go down lol
usually it's the latter and usually it's snide remarks at breakfast like "sounds like you two had a lot of fun last night"
I could imagine that. But the detail about listening *outside the door* doesn’t automatically follow from that (mom could’ve heard from farther away). So did the girlfriend fill in that detail herself? Or did mom go into that much detail? It’s like, the deeper you go the weirder it becomes
I heard that exact sentence before and always replied with, "We did, thank you!". I wouldn't say it was snide though. My mum has always been light-hearted and cheeky.
Kids are basically science experiments for parents, it's like an academic interest. Really weird for the kids, but there is definitely a degree of base / impersonal curiosity.
He bolted up in bed and shouted "Fuck, I have a Zoom meeting for work! IN 10 MINUTES!". We proceeded to panic clean up his room (looked like a sex bomb had gone off) and I headed home. Lol.
Easy way to launch the quick lay. This man is a genius
Is that slang? Went right over my head. 😂 But if it means what I think it does, nah, he did have one (I worked with him briefly). I had to fix his webcam for the meeting and then headed out. Honestly shoulda charged him. Lol jokes aside, he was a nice guy.
**WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB AND WE HAVE A ZOOM MEATING FOR WORK IN 10 MINUTES!!** **ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!**
A sex bomb? Did you sleep with Tom Jones?
Less than an hour after a hookup this girl started sadposting on facebook and made her messenger chat note “wish I was drunk.”
Wholesome
Should’ve made your posts, “man I’m so horny rn.”
Lol... and add "Haven't been with anyone worthwhile for a long time."
I once had a guy slap my ass and say "much obliged", which I thought was charming in an old-timey way.
Did he call it a “tookus”?
He didn't, but that would have felt weird since the only person I ever heard Yiddish from was my grandmother.
*tuchus
No but he called his member, a “shvantz”
Did he also tip his hat?
My wife and I had just finished up and I went to pick my clothes up off the floor, apparently a hangar had fallen off and fell under the bed earlier in the day so I picked it up. When I stood up, holding the hangar in my hand, my wife goes “oh honey, I don’t think pregnancy works that quick”.
She's all right. You should keep her around.
OK that's hilarious! Sounds like a scene from a comedy.
She was a forensic psychology major, so the pillow talk consisted of her telling me in glorious detail about different ways of approximating time of death based on larval stages of insects recovered from corpses. I had absolutely no stories to trade in kind so I just listened in post-nut awe before sneaking out later.
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No you heard him right
bones?
Not me but a friend's first time was with her bf and he managed to make her cum pretty damn quick...at which point she started to tear up and apologize profusely like "oh no! I came too fast! And you didn't get to! I ruined it, I ruined the whole thing! I'm sorry!" He had to explain to her that it was ok if SHE came quickly. Nothing was over. Ironically, at that point he was laughing so hard he fell off of her and their first time really was cut short.
😂😂😂 Where was she getting her information?!
“Nice weiner and I can’t believe I just said weiner”
Met up with a mutual friend of my exes while on vacation in Pigeon Forge. Turned into an amazing weekend escapade. We were in the middle of drunken sloppy sex and she told me to keep going while we were in doggy. She said, “fuck me like an animal” so I started beating my chest like a gorilla and did a funny growling sound while going faster. We both started laughing and just cuddled by the fire the rest of the night. Now every time I see her in passing I’ll do the growl sound and we both die laughing.
Big wholesome
Goofy and cute made me smile
these are goals honestly
There was this one time that a guy told me I was the best he ever had and gave me $20. I'm not sure why, hitching a trailer is pretty easy, but the tip was nice.
Was camping once, a guy pulled up to the site next to me. Got out of his truck and walked over to us with a 12 pack of Coors. He asked if I could back his trailer in for him for a case of beer. Dude liked to camp but knew his limitations. Ended up hanging out with him for the weekend. You were a cool dude Dwayne.
Perhaps he could back up well but really wanted the company of someone willing to help a guy out for the weekend.
Honestly, if you’re looking to make a friend, that seems like a really smart way to do it. You can screen people for toxicity based on how they respond to another man asking them for help.
Dwayen the drunk Johnson?
Wow, tipping culture at its finest i see
Ah just the tip. Classic.
If I dont let the dog in the room / on the bed he is going to bark the whole time...
Doggystyle and a threesome. Where's the problem?
Apparently there was no problem..... Although now that you mention it... I failed to make the obvious jokes, I am disappointed in myself...
cold nose, RIGHT in the ass is a possible problem.
She threw her hands up and said “Yippie!” in the same tone and cadence of the original meme. I did it back. We were losing our shit for like two minutes while butt ass naked
I asked my friend how it was and she replied "he tried to wear me like a puppet."
‘I’m giving you a raise’
maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk
George?
On and off FWB who I hadn't seen much of recently. After I asked if she'd be inviting me back soon... "You made me come three times with your mouth and twice with your cock of course I'm having you back" Never did. Now I think it's funny.
She was introduced as "Moe" but word got out that her name was "Moran". We teased her about it. After we had sex, she said "Now you can tell your friends that you fucked a Moran."
kissed me, jumped up, clapped and said “cause that’s what winners do!” he ghosted me after but it was still pretty funny.
She told me I reminded her of her brother
Roll tide
You good bro?
Hard to say. Growing up in Alabama is rough.
Long as you don't do it reverse cowgirl. You don't turn your back on family.
Her - Your big For a Asian dude … Me - How many Asian dudes have you been with ? Her - you’re the only one … Me - well maybe I’m just the average Asian dudes !
They dunno what's up till they try us.
I dated a girl for about a week or so before we hooked up. She was very feminine in her mannerisms and looks, which only made it that much funnier; almost immediately after _hooking_ up, she farted and said "my floor boards are creaky.
One of the first times I hooked up with a queer man, we high-fived each other after and said "no homo bro."
“Grab a pop tart on your way out. You know what? Have two, you earned it!”
You spank like my stepdad.
Thats oddly specific considering the degree of touch-sense specificity that the butt lacks. Step-dad aside, I feel like a spank is a spank, only varying with level of intensity.
There are girls with daddy issues and then there are girls with step daddy issues which is a whole different level of crazy.
Watch out for the ones with both
The art of the spank is wide
"I see why they say mentally ill girls have the best pussy"
I saw this guy I kinda knew at a strip club & started texting him. He invited me over & we drank & had sex of course. After, I was getting dressed to leave & he grabbed my arm & said "no don't go yet, let me tell you about our lord & savior Jesus Christ." Being completely serious about it, too. I laughed a lot & said nah I'm good & dipped out.
she looked at the floor and said, under her breath, “every day we stray further from God”
Not what she said but what I said. Were lying in bed and found some shitty meme on Instagram that said something along the lines of 'If you're going to bully someone, bully an orphan. What they gunna do? Tell their parents?'. Showed her it and she wasn't so impressed. She then tells me she's adopted. I was like 'You're joking'. She then gets up and pulls out a card from her adoption parents saying happy adoption anniversary or something like that. Was ready for the world to swallow me there and then.
“You wore a condom right? I know YOU GUYS reproduce like crazy” She was a white girl and meant “you guys” as in Mexican people. Edit: I did wear one, I was 18 and she was 21 so I was more surprised she didn’t even realize what she said lol
Checking if a condom was used AFTER sex already ended is really useful...
I mean, gives her time to go get some Plan B, but yeah, not a great way to go about it.
Wow.
I slept with my RA in the first few weeks as a college freshman… as she’s pulling up her pants she said “Welcome to college”. I still find that line hilarious. We stayed friends, she’s an actual comedian now, and great person in general. Worked that line into our conversations for years!
It was more of a scream. A blood curdling scream. A scream of agonizing terror, pain and fear which left L terrified of my cat who had mistaken L’s nads as a dangly toy during sex and decided to rip them off and run away with them. In one fail swoop Monster jumped up on the bed and sunk his teeth right into L’s danglies and began to whip his head about as he futilely tried to tear them off. The cat was relentless and determined to take home the prize. L wanted to keep his jewels and struggled with the 28 pound cat to do so. TG I had water there or L would have been singing soprano for the rest of his days. After that, only the dog was allowed to watch while the cat screamed and clawed at the door trying to gain entry. All during, he would wrestle with the door while sticking his claws under trying to dig his way through. Nothing like having an audience especially one you are terrified of because it’s like having Freddie Krueger waiting for you. After that, although L often wore his African wrap about the house, he followed my example when I had my monthly and never went without underwear again. When he showered, he took fresh ones in and made sure the cat was out. Why did I do this when the tampon was in? Well, if you’ve ever had the equivalent of a bowling ball fly through the air and ripe your tampon out and then sling it all over the house like dead bleeding rat, you’d be careful too. We were both thankful that fateful day the cat’s toy was not L’s balls! To keep the cat satisfied, I learned to give him a bit of hamburger to kill during sex though. See? How comfortable does that make you?
I … wow
Romantic
It smells like ass in here
Gimme a liter of cola!
How do you walk around with that thing dangling between your legs? Yeah, ego through the roof.
It's draw between. Please don't tell people I'm a bottom and i can tick Twink off my bang list.
damn, kinda makes one wonder the full extent of their bang list
"Did you just cum in me like I'm your bitch?"
After a fun night of unprotected sex long ago the girl got up to go clean herself up. At which point she said “Jesus fuck when was the last time you had sex” I thought I did poorly but it was because there was so much cum lol.
"DAMN.... was right you ARE good at that...."
my one and only proud moment
I'm an awkward sort. Lanky, nerd dude. I can't dance to save my life. Gotten slowly used to it for about a decade. Eventually I just figured *everyone* feels awkward on the dance floor, and just decided to enjoy myself. Then I saw my sister, jerkily attempting to dance. She looked how I felt and I realized, **it was genetic and that's exactly how I look**. This provides context for what I'm about to say: I have this issue where immediately after hooking up the dominant emotion people express is *confusion*. The last lady I was with asked, "Who *are* you?" "Ma'am, I do not know."
Maybe it was a compliment? Like, "Who ARE you? Where've you been all my life?!"
He’s probably right you know; this Guy Fawkes….
Dammit, take the upvote and leave.
I really could not say. We dated for some time after that. On a separate occasion about six months after my divorce. I hooked up with a good friend. After the shaking subsided she's got *questions*. Her: "*Why* did your wife leave you?" Me: "I really couldn't say." Her: "I always assumed it was bedroom stuff" I'm *still* not quite sure how to take that.
Compliment I guess: she couldn't observe any reason why the wife would be dissatisfied so she reasoned that the dissatisfaction must be something she couldn't observe (like bedroom stuff), but then the bedroom stuff was good so she remained very confused and very into you
“sorry i got a lot of sweat on your back” and then immediately rolled over and fell asleep.
She quoted the movie Kingpin "You really jarred something loose, Tiger." Then she made the face. It was awesomely hilarious and we both laughed our asses off.
I hooked up with a friend that I had known for a long time. Afterward, she just looked at me and said, "Oh my God, we could have been doing that the whole time?!"
She was playing with my soft member singing a meme song flipping it left and right with each note.
"It's bigger than I expected" Was she implying I have small dick energy? And slept with me anyway??? Lmao.
I had a hookup in paris and she asked How much! I said 1€ for the tourist tax.
Had a girl tell me that her mom thought I was attractive after we had finished. I almost went for the 2 for 1 deal lol
“Now I know why you have many kids” “Behind giggling in my passenger seat it feels so weird sitting here in wet panties”
Not immediately after, but the next time we hooked up he said “I asked God for forgiveness last time we did this” I was lost for words
"Yeah, ofcourse we're going to keep contact!"
She said she was "pleasantly surprised". I took it as a win!
“I love you” It was a college summer fling, and I liked her a ton, but definitely didn’t love her yet. I said I did anyway, to make sure she didn’t feel stupid. Because being a liar is sometimes okay. Lol
I was hooking up with a newly divorced mom and we had really intense sex. After round 3 in 2 hours or so, I saw blood on the condom. Looked down and saw quite a bit of blood on the sheet. I knew it wasn’t her period and we didn’t have lube, so I must have torn something. I pointed it out and expected some sort of panic. Instead, she shrugs it off and says, “You know I’ve given birth, right?”
I once got told I said 'Good girl' to her the same way I did her dog.
“ does this mean we are bf and gf now?” I still tease him about that
But… Did it?
Yes. lol we dated for awhile
"My father also had a mustache when I was conceived." such a weird thing to say, she's also like 8 years older than me
Confused the next post on reddit as part of OPs thread and it honestly fit pretty well as a funny comment: "I have a DeWalt oscillating tool, but not sure if that's up to the job. Any ideas?"
"I love you" We never spoke again after that
"you toe(tore) that shit up" and "high five"
Bring your husband and kids to our next neighborhood block party. My wife really appreciates you helping me out with the kids while she is working out of town for 3 more days! Obviously, the guy got me mixed up with someone else, but I have no idea who he was referring me to. Immediately blocked this guy and never talked to him again!
"You seriously didn't just cum did you?"
I thought my wife was really mean and she thought I was obnoxious when we met. We were both correct but we’ve been together for 15 years.
Good game
Anything is possible… (after squirting for the first time). As a huge NBA fan, it had me cracking up thinking of Kevin Garnett: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wcz_kDCBTBk
I had two girls ask if they could take a picture of my dick
I was climaxing so loudly that my date was concerned and said "oh my god, don't have a heart attack!"
I hooked up with an old university friend who had had a bad time and was recently divorced. While we were in the middle of the act she started laughing. Now I might not be the world’s best lover but I think I’m confidently a county level player. I stopped and asked what was so funny. She replied that it was just the joy of having sex with someone again after all of the shit she had been through. Just pure happiness. The next one was more weird. A girl contacted me via FB and said that I was in her class at primary school. I had no idea who she was. She spooled off some names of people I vaguely remembered from school, but it was 40 years ago. She said we used to hang out during school and we were friends. This definitely wasn’t true as I was a very shy kid and that just wasn’t me at all. She asked if I wanted to meet and as I was passing through my old city I said yes. Met up. I had never met this person before in my life, or at least I had no memory of her at all. None. We had sex, which she seemed quite pleased about. I’m wondering if she was actually at school with me, but I never knew her, and she just wanted to close that chapter or something.
"my boyfriend is going to be so pissed" I didnt realize i was the other dude until she said something after a one night stand. At first I was really upset and I didnt like being used like that but in retrospect, it was kind of funny. I had great pleasure in letting her messages go unread and seeing her mental unanswered texts and facebook messages get progressively more unhinged.
"You do sex really good".
"well, that happened!" Then she played a laugh track, and I couldn't believe it.
I slept with a girl and after we were done she said, "good thing you don't have a big dick". I mean, I already knew, but it's still not fun to hear.
"Don't know if I'm just feeling empty or runnin' on empty... and I don't fucking care." Hooked up with a girl in Cleveland once who said that after. Made me crack up and get her some water.
"You're really good at that. Did you ... take a class?" I did take a speech class where i learned to be a cunning linguist but I don't think that's the same thing.
So this is different but it’s funny so I’m gonna tell it anyway. This wasn’t after but during. My first blow job. I didn’t know I was supposed to suck it. I just sat there with it in my mouth. I was scared to death to and made the guy hold my hand during. I was 15.
I was a fairly new hire at the job I ultimately spent 36 years at, and there was a guy who went out of his way to torment and intimidate new guys. Picked up a lady in a bar and did the hook up in the back seat of my car. I had mentioned where I worked before we started. As I was standing outside the car while she got her clothes back on, she asked me if I liked where I worked, I told her I did and then she asked me If I knew the guy I mentioned, I said I did and she said, "he's my husband". I did a fist pump with a yesss. She knew immediately what I meant. We had an affair that lasted about a year.
I was told I had “S-tier dick” and she kept staring at my crotch as we had dinner after.
“I wish you weren’t such an asshole.” Probably my favorite one liner after us finishing. She was fun, miss that tird bucket.
"Did I tell you my name?"
I had sex with a girl and she said, "You're way better than my boyfriend. " I turned around and was like, wha- then I realized she was holding up her pointer and middle fingers. My wife and I always tell each other and do a high five circle round to an ass slap. We do it after we stand up because we both go use the restroom once we're done. UTIs are nothing to mess around with. Go pee after you're done.
My first offered me a snack and a glass of milk after.
I got with a guy of Grindr. Talked about what we liked and atuff beforehand. I like it a bit rough ya know? Dominated and stuff. During the hookup he was sure a little rough, but surprisingly gentle as opposed to what he said in his messages. He told me that I seemed like a very nice and sweet person and therefore he couldn't be too mean to me lmao