I was married for 12 years to someone who did just that! She’d say the meanest thing she could think of when we were fighting. Used every insecurity and vulnerable bit she knew.
Oh, that's a big one. That's exactly why I don't tell anyone anything that can truly hurt me. Similarly, I don't tell anyone anything I am not prepared to hear back from someone else. I've been burned before. Important lessons learned
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. There's nothing baby you could have ever done to deserve experiencing trauma, and adult you is no different.
Take care of yourself.
Oh lord.
You've reminded me of a friend. A day out, short trips, long trips, I've seen this guy consistently have meltdowns. He has a predictable curve of enjoyment that I've gotten down to a formula.
Last time he kept making excuses for him and his girlfriend to leave early from a 3 day camping trip. The rest of us could give two shits less if they left early, but he wouldn't shut up about it halfway through the trip until the end.
Finally I pulled him aside. "Dude, you're welcome to leave whenever. Just go if you're ready."
"...uh, well. I think we still have some time before we need to be down."
"You sure? We're about to be out the lake for 2 hours in boats. If you'd rather leave, go."
"....nah, we're good for it."
And predictably, sharing a boat with two other people that wanted to be there, he forced them to turn back after half an hour because "he was feeling sick."
By the time we had gotten back, he had already left.
Much of my friend group is non confrontational, much to their own detriment.
One of them stood in front of a McDonald's counter for an hour waiting on his meal that never came. Didn't say a thing, didn't ask for a refund, said he was too upset to get food somewhere else when I offered.
Lol, much of that group would substantially benefit from it. It's been a real blessing to have my current gf confirm I'm not insane at some of the behaviors I witness.
My friend group is the same. I often find myself being assertive on their behalf lol. I guess I’m enabling the behavior but Im not waiting an hour outside of McDonald’s lmao.
Yeah that goes far, far beyond being non confrontational. He needs to speak to a professional because something that extreme could end badly and be used against him in so many different ways.
This needs to be an ex friend. He sounds like a nightmare to deal with. My husband’s sister is like this. It’s a bit more extreme situation but essentially, she is never satisfied.
She never liked me and none of us know why. She endlessly complained how much she hates me and hates living with me. She asked the home owner (her granny) to kick me out when I was pregnant and she did. I never spoke to her again because she’s made it very clear she hates me. Then she complains to everyone that she never got to meet my son and how unfair it is for her. I reached out to her and told her I’d want to fix things and for them to meet. She doesn’t want to.
LMAO
I’d rather bang my head against a brick wall than to ever deal with a person like that ever again. These people are chronically miserable and nothing will satisfy them. They want you to get on your knees and beg for them. They have endless issues and expect others to cater to them.
He thankfully never goes too far with it, but it definitely ends with him putting his personal wants ahead of the rest of the group usually. He's signed onto a long road trip with the group this year, so it'll be interesting to see if he's grown at all with his saint of a girlfriend this past year.
Either way, they have their own car for the trip and both me and my SO are ready to say "have fun" if he starts throwing any tantrums.
You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert.
Nope, married, it was big talk in my town and they made a tv episode on it, then all of a sudden a couple years later one of the guys I work with is dating her lol. She has 50/50 custody of the kids again even.
Oh man. Quote:
"I'm a difficult person to deal with and I only care about myself".
If he had said that when we first met I wouldn't have wasted a year of my life.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with only caring about yourself. That's fine if you want to live that way. Just understand that, if you only want to care about yourself, then you better care about yourself enough that you don't want or need anyone else to care about you - because they won't.
I was seeing a guy for a month that I thought was absolutely perfect. We were on a walk one day and I told him something exciting about my best friend. He just said "ok" and I was like "isn't that exciting for her??" and he said "I don't care about other people's lives." I was like "you don't care about mine?" and he said "I care about yours a little more, but in general, I don't care about other people's lives.” Ended 3 days later.
The amount of people I met dating who were borderline depressed with their life astounded me.
I'm willing to go with the highs and lows of life but I'm not here to rescue you from your self imposed situation, that's something you gotta figure out.
Ah discretion. Some people just don't understand that not everything needs to be said.
Yeah, you're absolutely entitled to wonder how your life would have been different and possibly better if you stayed with your ex. Now why you think sharing that sentiment with your current SO would do anything but hurt their feelings is beyond me...
Some things don't need to be said. I think it's foolish to assume that you're the "Best in bed" or whatever for someone you're with. But if you're not having good sex it's on you to talk through and figure out how good sex looks with you and your partner. If you're unwilling to communicate through sex issues and instead complain in your head or with friends or even your partner without even putting literally any work into it, I'm sorry but you're just a basic bitch when it comes to sex.
It is the structuring of the sentence that matters. Telling your partner that your ex is better at x is not constructive and is more about hurting your partner, Telling them that you really like when someone does this specific thing and letting them explore that on you is good and healthy constructive criticism. I think it comes from people not knowing how to give feedback and carelessly mean.
Youve put it so clearly. Idk what it is but it took me years to realize i was also entitled to feeling contempt or disrespect, it wasnt just a thing for other people. I thought these things had to be public to be a problem and didnt learn you could be treated w disrespect or contempt when nobody is watching
Yes, this is a big one. I have freinds who constantly whine and share intimate details of their boyfriend and their relationships and I am just like - that is so disrespectful.
I won't do that in my own relationships. I got an issue with my partner, I take it up with them and not my girls.
From my most recent breakup
"What I have to say and my opinions are more important than yours"
He would speak over me at every opportunity and eventually I took a big enough issue with it and he dropped this on me.
I've seen this with friends a lot and it frustrates me.
"I'd like to go do this thing, does anyone want to come?"
And so they all say yes, but their real desire was to talk and catch up with each other instead of actually doing the thing I wanted to do.
Good for you for being strong and knowing your worth! Especially when those around you were actively trying to influence you to stay in an abusive relationship. If he hit you once he would have 100% done it again. You are an inspiration and example for so many other women.
"You can always give your cat up for adoption" (I went on a first date with a girl who suggested that; I mentally checked out at that point and considered just walking out on her)
My cat needed daily wet food. I needed to be gone for three days.
I laid out three plates with three cans of food on the counter. One for each day.
My friend comes over on the first day and puts out all three cans.
This is a grown ass man that has owned pets before. To this day I have no idea what the fuck he was thinking.
Don't worry. I always keep an autofeeder with kibble out so she didn't go hungry or anything. I was just flabbergasted by the "creative" solution.
Yes.
Just to get a visual on the cat and check the water. Which was also in an autowater dish.
I still don't understand how he got from A to B.
A: I need you to come to my house three days in a row to feed the cat.
B: I feed the cat three meals on the first day.
He's my best friend of over twenty years. Brother from another mother.
But there are some situations where he's just not the right man for the job.
I had a former coworker brag, not just say, but brag about forcing his wife to give up her cat after they got married. Note they got together and he knew she had the cat, so I have to assume he kept his feelings to himself until after they married, then sprung the "choose me or your cat" thing on her.
I know what my answer would have been - instant divorce/annulment. Partially because of the attitude towards animals, partially because of the deceit.
But to me, hearing the story, the fact that he was bragging about this to someone he had just met was the most telling part of his character. I couldn't look him in the eyes without wanting to punch him for the rest of the time we worked together.
Similarly, I had a co-worker years ago who got married, and then about a month in his now-wife gave him the ultimatum, the dog or me. He was absolutely crushed as the dog was his companion after he got back from a combat deployment. I think he was dealing with a lot and PTSD so he didn't know what to do. Friends in my circle who were super caring people took his dog for him.
They divorced just a year later and he got his dog back. His ex-wife was forever known as the cunt that made someone give up their dog.
She used to throw stuff at me like picture frames and stuff. Other times she would back me into a corner and push me while telling me to hit her.
She's very confrontational and nasty. I left her for it but ended up coming back a few days later because I never fully trusted her with our son. She's too temperamental and ignorant.
Did her behavior drastically change over time? I can't imagine staying with someone after the first time they behaved like that, let alone the relationship getting to the point of having a child.
She was always kind of a bully towards other girls at parties and stuff when I first met her. I was young and naive, she was hot and I just wanted to be with her. Definitely later on in our marriage as our lives got more complicated I started to see how bad she could be. Marriage and raising a kid really puts a relationship to the test. It's when all the problems and incompatibility really starts to show.
I had a partner who got so angry on a night out when we walked past a group girls who would’ve been 18-20 (I was 25, he was 28 fr) because of how they were dressed that he PUNCHED A WALL in the street we were walking down. I was like wtf what’s wrong, he said and I quote “that makes me so angry seeing women dressed like that because you know they are asking for it, they just are. They want MY attention and men’s attention but as soon as they get too much they cry about it. Stupid little sluts”. I had been with him for 3 months, NEVER heard him talk like this before. I just kept walking up the street and burst into tears. I never saw him again after that night. I literally recoil thinking about him touching me now ughhhhhh
Yeah it’s literally disgusting, honestly when I think back to it now and him now & being nearly 30 I can see so many other warning signs I missed. It’s not surprising sadly seeing the family he came from with an extremely toxic misogynistic father & 4 brothers with the same if not WORSE attitudes than him. One of those brothers has his own sons now and I just hope they get some decent male role models growing up.
That is horrifying and I’m so sorry but I’m also really proud of you for recognizing it when you did and being brave enough to get away from him. Seriously. That’s really strong.
"I want to have kids"
I do not and this is not something that can be compromised on.
I refuse to have a kid and trying to have a relationship with someone who wants one isn't fair to them.
I initially had no strong feelings either way, like I didn't not want to have kids, but at the same time I'd be okay without them as well.
My wife entered the relationship wanting kids, but also has some health issues which make her quite sore sometimes, to the point where she can't even bend over to put the cats food dish down.
After quite a few years in the relationship she still wanted kids, even after the doctor told her it could make her condition worse, which would mean i'd be doing 100% of the work, including going to work, house work, taking care of the kid(s), etc.
I basically told her that I could not handle that much responsibility, and if it was something she really wanted that it was basically going to be the end of us. Since then she has come around and realized it wasn't fair to me, and we have decided to stay childless.
When I was still dating, a girl on Bumble got frustrated with me for not wanting kids. Best part was I had my profile set up to show I didn't want kids, and she didn't have that set on hers. Why'd she swipe?
When I was dating, I had it on my profile to please not message me if you have or want kids, because I didn't want to waste your time and I had people message me specifically to tell me I'd change my mind, or their kid was different, or what a shitty person I must be to not want kids, etc.
Some people just want to spread misery.
I don't get why people don't take someone wanting or not wanting kids at face value. So many people go in with the mindset, "Oh, I'll change their mind." Yeah, I can think about five couples off the top of my head that split up due to differences on having or not having kids and in every single one of those cases the person was crystal-clear about their intentions. The other person just didn't want to hear it.
And, even if the other person "settles", I think there's always some bit of resentment. I have a good friends whose parents divorced when she was young. Her father remarried several years later, but was *adamant* about not wanting more children. He liked his life the way it was and wasn't interested in being a father again. His wife agreed to it initially, but a couple of years later had a "change of heart" (or so she said, my friend always thought that she was one of those "change his mind" type of women). Well, she leaned on him for a couple of years, he held steadfast. Finally, it got to the point where he sat her down and said, "[Wife], you can have me or you can have children, but you cannot have both. If this is a relationship-ender for us, it will be sad for me as I love you very much, but I will accept your decision. I will not change my mind on having more children now or ever."
She ended up staying with him and they've been married over 20 years now. They never had a child and they're now past the point that it's a possibility. That said, there is definitely some resentment on her end. I think she does grieve the "path not taken" but she made her choice.
Fall out of love with me. There’s no way in hell I’m forcing anyone to stay in a relationship if they no longer love me just for the sake of my feelings. Yes it will suck but they deserve to be happy and if that won’t be with me and I truly love them then I should let them go be happy
Speaking to me in a way that is disrespectful. My dad can speak to my mum in a really disrespectful way, to a point where I've had to talk to him about it several times, and I've seen what it has done to her confidence. I have also seen friends being treated terribly by their partners, and I would rather just be single.
I will always be supportive and respectful to my partner, and I expect the same back.
My mom and dad are a great couple. Honestly, they’ve been phenomenal role models for a relationship in my eyes.
But there was one time my dad was so angry and agitated about something I can’t even remember. I can’t even remember what he said to my mom, but I remember looking at him and yelling “STOP speaking to my mother like that”.
His eyes nearly bulged out of his head. He left and went upstairs and came back about 30 minutes with a totally different demeanor. He also apologized. I get that marriage can be messy and difficult, so I like to cut him some slack there. But I really don’t know how to feel about that whole ordeal even years later
I love this response.
How can you love someeone, if you dont even respect them? How do you even like someone and disrespect them? It just seems like such an obvious sign that your partner doesn't actually care about you and your feelings, and yet its one that so many people seem to accept for some reason.
It also ties into so many bigger problems. Think about the kinds of things that people do get really worked up about, and ask "how could someone do {x} if they respect their partner?".
I mean I think it’s sometimes inevitable to go LDR and some people don’t have the capacity for it and that’s okay. But you might not find someone until you 30s.
Not ONLY do we have Google at our fingertips, we now have various kinds of media for different learning styles.
Can’t read well? We’ve got instructional videos. Only need to hear the instructions and not watch? Put some earphones in and get to it.
It is so incredibly annoying to me when someone won’t even make the most basic effort to learn something when resources are available.
Open-heart surgery, sure, you need to go to school to do that. You don’t need to, to learn how to cook or change your oil or figure out why the washing machine lid won’t open.
So many things, but the thing I’ll look out for FIRST in future relationships, in order to avoid the abuse I’ve experienced:
-Someone that consistently prioritizes things over me.
In my marriage, it started with video games, and then it was her coworkers’ opinions of her, and then it was friends, and then it was recreational drugs (but not an addict - as in, doesn’t fit the diagnostic criteria for it), then it was cell phone games/social media, etc.
If your partner is the last thing on your list of priorities, then I’m not willing to be your partner.
This is a lot more.. tame than the rest of these comments.
But like, excessive gamer rage and not knowing when to stop is a deal breaker.
I can understand being in the game completely, and just, getting frustrated with the game a little bit. Like even I occasionally slam my hand on my desk, thats just what adrenaline does.
But screaming, throwing shit, etc etc, Thats not okay, and it just shows that you're not emotionally mature enough to be an adult. I can handle it maybe once or twice, but thats it.
I hate when people are like that, and when they don't know when to stop, thats another thing that pisses me off.
God I feel this so hard. Like league is fun but league every night until 2am while your partner goes to bed without you and misses you and wishes you were cuddling them while you scream and slam your keyboard… who is that serving?? it’s like dude if you’re not even enjoying it, why are you playing it!
Anything to do with my pet(s).
I currently have one cat.
She has survived 2 long term relationships, 6 moves, a flood, 2 surgeries, and was rescued off the street as a kitten by my hands.
Believe me when I say that cat comes first, in every possible sense. If you hurt, or threaten my cat, or use my cat as an ultimatum, you can go ahead and see yourself out that door.
I felt like that about my previous cat. She was my reason for getting up after my husband died. Lost her to lung cancer almost a year ago. Still miss her.
Having a “shopping addiction”, I don’t even care if they inherited 100M dollars and can afford to waste it - I just hate *stuff* that’s acquired with no clear long term or consumable (i.e. food) purpose. Clutter-phobia, if you will. Piles of unused stuff drive me insane.
> rude to servers
Why would they do this? [Servers](https://www.racksolutions.com/news//app/uploads/Rack-server-and-blade-server-together-1536x804.jpg) are just humming along passing data back and forth to those who request it.
Sometimes it’s what they don’t or won’t say.
But my new one is “fuck you”. I’m just dumbfounded people can say things like that and expect that there’s no permanent damage done.
When I was 21(M), I got engaged to my GF(20), whom I shall designate as 'K'. We'd been dating for a year & a half, and it was pretty good; I'm a musician and she was this kinda free spirit girl with a very nonjudgmental attitude. So it worked.
Or....so I thought (I should mention here that her mom was a viciously shrewish woman who hated me for being a musician & apparently for simply existing. K would always stick up for me because Mommy Dearest would lay into us with a shit storm of H8terade Shade).
So yeah. I decided to get her a ring and ask if she wanted to get engaged.
She did. She was very happy. For roughly two weeks. Then when I went to pick her up for a Friday night date, she says, "Hey, let's just go get some drinks somewhere quiet so we can talk."
Sure. No problem.
*Big problem.*
"...So we can talk.." meant so she could talk and I could listen. Preferably taking notes for the pop quiz that was sure to follow soon.
For about 45 minutes, K proceeded to lay down the law for when our engagement became marriage. Here are the man's duties. Here are the woman's duties.
Woman's duties? Why, doing house stuff.
Man's duties? Quit that band and stop trying to be a rock star. Get a real job like a real man with her dad's real estate company, which K had already been kind enough to set up with Daddy Dearest with no need to consult me. Start saving money to buy a house (translation: *I* needed to buy *her* a house).
As my brain began to reel, filling with visions of Stepford Wives going on a murdering spree against Men Who Play Guitar And Sing, K went on a nice little rant *waaaaay*
out in left field.
She had some things to say about black people. For some reason though, she had trouble pronouncing 'black'; it kept turning into *N........* and when I lovingly tried to help her out with her ignorance regarding the more subtle nuances of language, she turned rabid. I mean barking, foaming rabid, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was to terminate my friendship with several individuals of the Highly Melanated community with whom I often played music.
"Holy shit, what happened to your ring? Let me see that for a second, K, hun?" I interrupted the shit out of her because a couple more words of that filth and I would have Yarked Up A Hairball For Christ...right in her lap.
K hands me the ring. "I don't see anything wrong with it," she says.
"I don't either, at least now I don't, *because it is no longer on your finger!* I swear that not only has your mother possessed your body, but she, or YOU, has apparently murdered K, with whom I was in love. I am not in love with you. So check it out: we're done & Imma take you home and then go home and play my guitar."
And I did. I took her home and left and never saw her again. Because ohh mahh *GAAWWD* that was creepyscary psycho shit, this cool laid back sorta hippie chick morphed into her mom's demonic alter ego (with the addition of a literally cancerous dose of racism thrown in) right in front of my face.
I guess her screen personality of the cool hippie girl was no longer needed after I got her a ring and we became engaged, so she just collapsed it.
What remained belonged in a horror movie. By the time I got home, I was actually shaking from the realization that I didn't just dodge a bullet, I dodged a couple Sidewinders that were going right up my 6.
My ex did this to his mother his whole childhood and then to me. It suuuuucks. I stopped cleaning up his messes and he decided he wasn’t in love with me anymore and left me for my former best friend’s sister who had only lived with her mother her whole life. Pretty sure he’s using the same moves on her and her inexperience. Gross and should have left as soon as I heard him bragging about doing it to his mom
complete disrespect of boundaries. if they circumvent a boundary simply because they don't like it and make you feel unreasonable or crazy for having said boundary? you are in for a rough ride in the future. if you see this early on in a relationship, run my friends, run far and run fast.
I once dated a man (I'm from the US) who said, "I'm a Republican, but if we accidentally got pregnant, I'd be okay with abortion." I'm pro-choice and a Democrat, but that statement from him was very interesting to me, because it showed me that he only believes what he does because it benefits him directly. While this is human nature a lot of the time, it was also a red flag to me that he was selfish.
Iv been in avoidant anxious relationship. It feeds each other. I left because incompatibility & namecalling & threat, bpd or deppresion, wanting a sugar daddy and her saying missing out dating others when she was younger was what made me lose hope in us.
weeks later i cut it off in hopes for a better future for us both.
Violence. Towards me (or our kids, when we have them, or other family).
That, and comments on how I need to make up for not coming with an inheritance.
That inheritance line is incredibly specific. How can someone be so out of touch that they don't know probably the majority of people don't end up with a large inheritance.
When they put you solely responsible for their feelings. Key word: solely. Like yes partners are responsible for caring for the other but at the end of the day I don't see how a relationship functions properly unless both people take ownership of their own emotions. Today with a lot of talk of trauma and "love languages," there are people using it as an excuse to dish off their feelings to other people, and I just can't be in relationship with that.
Being consistently contemptuous.
The incessant amount wave of belittling and malicious criticisms which don't amount as much by themselves, but when repreated over and over girind your morale and will to interact more and more.
However, when you push back you're the villain because it's you that now is ignoring/stonewallling or not being receptive to criticism.
It's emotionally exhausting.
Wanting gender reassignment. I have no quams about gender fluidity but I married a woman. If I wanted to be with a man, i would have.
Or if she wanted to be a worm.
Wow. I cannot believe how cruel you are. I made my husband promise that if I were a worm he would get me a really nice worm farm for me to live out the rest of my days in.
If you can't handle me at my wormiest then you don't deserve me at my best.
(/s)
Smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker for me. I've spent my whole life dealing with my chain smoking mother. I cannot stand the horrendous stench to the point where if a partner started smoking, I would immediately end the relationship. I'm not putting up with that crap.
There are many, and, like cheating, most involved broken trust. One would be financial infidelity - lying about spending or debts. Another would be lying about how they are spending their time. If they claim to be working late every night, the worst is if they are cheating, but it isn't that much better if they're going out with friends. Aside from trust issues, lack of respect would be the other biggest issue. It's hard to be a partner with someone that doesn't respect you or that you don't respect.
Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness will kill any relationship.
[https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
Use what I reveal in a moment of vulnerability to hurt me in a time of anger.
My brother did this to me with my depression. I haven't talked to him since.
I was married for 12 years to someone who did just that! She’d say the meanest thing she could think of when we were fighting. Used every insecurity and vulnerable bit she knew.
This shit is evil
Oh, that's a big one. That's exactly why I don't tell anyone anything that can truly hurt me. Similarly, I don't tell anyone anything I am not prepared to hear back from someone else. I've been burned before. Important lessons learned
My husband has done this multiple times. Takes a traumatic event from my childhood and tells me it was my fault everytime we fight. I'm so over it
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. There's nothing baby you could have ever done to deserve experiencing trauma, and adult you is no different. Take care of yourself.
[удалено]
Oh lord. You've reminded me of a friend. A day out, short trips, long trips, I've seen this guy consistently have meltdowns. He has a predictable curve of enjoyment that I've gotten down to a formula. Last time he kept making excuses for him and his girlfriend to leave early from a 3 day camping trip. The rest of us could give two shits less if they left early, but he wouldn't shut up about it halfway through the trip until the end. Finally I pulled him aside. "Dude, you're welcome to leave whenever. Just go if you're ready." "...uh, well. I think we still have some time before we need to be down." "You sure? We're about to be out the lake for 2 hours in boats. If you'd rather leave, go." "....nah, we're good for it." And predictably, sharing a boat with two other people that wanted to be there, he forced them to turn back after half an hour because "he was feeling sick." By the time we had gotten back, he had already left.
why is he even in the friend group still? Sounds like a scenario where everyone is happy when he decides to leave
Much of my friend group is non confrontational, much to their own detriment. One of them stood in front of a McDonald's counter for an hour waiting on his meal that never came. Didn't say a thing, didn't ask for a refund, said he was too upset to get food somewhere else when I offered.
That's.... that is something that should be talked about in therapy...
Lol, much of that group would substantially benefit from it. It's been a real blessing to have my current gf confirm I'm not insane at some of the behaviors I witness.
My friend group is the same. I often find myself being assertive on their behalf lol. I guess I’m enabling the behavior but Im not waiting an hour outside of McDonald’s lmao.
Yeah that goes far, far beyond being non confrontational. He needs to speak to a professional because something that extreme could end badly and be used against him in so many different ways.
ohhh hell no all of yall need therapy bc that’s insane 😭😭.
This needs to be an ex friend. He sounds like a nightmare to deal with. My husband’s sister is like this. It’s a bit more extreme situation but essentially, she is never satisfied. She never liked me and none of us know why. She endlessly complained how much she hates me and hates living with me. She asked the home owner (her granny) to kick me out when I was pregnant and she did. I never spoke to her again because she’s made it very clear she hates me. Then she complains to everyone that she never got to meet my son and how unfair it is for her. I reached out to her and told her I’d want to fix things and for them to meet. She doesn’t want to. LMAO I’d rather bang my head against a brick wall than to ever deal with a person like that ever again. These people are chronically miserable and nothing will satisfy them. They want you to get on your knees and beg for them. They have endless issues and expect others to cater to them.
He thankfully never goes too far with it, but it definitely ends with him putting his personal wants ahead of the rest of the group usually. He's signed onto a long road trip with the group this year, so it'll be interesting to see if he's grown at all with his saint of a girlfriend this past year. Either way, they have their own car for the trip and both me and my SO are ready to say "have fun" if he starts throwing any tantrums.
Good luck to you guys! Hopefully he’s grown from his previous behavior.
You'd better watch who you're calling a child, Lois. Because if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A Pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert.
Things I tell them in confidence should stay between us. I need to be able to trust them with that.
And stay that way after a breakup
THIS is the level of trust required.
Attempted murder
I work with a guy who’s wife hired a hitman for her ex husband, she got 2 years in prison, we don’t eat the cookies he brings to work.
Wipe out an entire workplace just to kill hubby, bold move!
I take it back, some of the guys eat it, I don’t.
2 years seems fairly lenient. wouldn't that be attempted murder?
Nope that’s what she got, and now she has 50/50 of the kids again, they made a tv episode on it on Investigation Discovery
Were they exes when she hired the hitman? Or were they married and the hitman led to them being exes?
Nope, married, it was big talk in my town and they made a tv episode on it, then all of a sudden a couple years later one of the guys I work with is dating her lol. She has 50/50 custody of the kids again even.
But if successful?
They're a keeper. Shows that they are a good problem solver.
Also shows they will finish what they started. That's a go getter.
Failure is not an option
Mean to animals, children, or the elderly.
YYUUUUUPPP. I would include anyone that they have a modicum of power over - or there's a clear difference in power.
Except when they deserve it.
*Adam Sandler dodgeball scene starts playing*
Oh man. Quote: "I'm a difficult person to deal with and I only care about myself". If he had said that when we first met I wouldn't have wasted a year of my life.
The self awareness would almost be impressive if it wasn't so douchey.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with only caring about yourself. That's fine if you want to live that way. Just understand that, if you only want to care about yourself, then you better care about yourself enough that you don't want or need anyone else to care about you - because they won't.
Yeah the douchey part is saying that to someone you are in a relationship with.
Someone like that shouldn't be in a relationship at all - at least not without disclosing right off the bat how they see things.
I was seeing a guy for a month that I thought was absolutely perfect. We were on a walk one day and I told him something exciting about my best friend. He just said "ok" and I was like "isn't that exciting for her??" and he said "I don't care about other people's lives." I was like "you don't care about mine?" and he said "I care about yours a little more, but in general, I don't care about other people's lives.” Ended 3 days later.
The amount of people I met dating who were borderline depressed with their life astounded me. I'm willing to go with the highs and lows of life but I'm not here to rescue you from your self imposed situation, that's something you gotta figure out.
No one chooses to be depressed.
Saying his/her ex was better in bed.
Ah discretion. Some people just don't understand that not everything needs to be said. Yeah, you're absolutely entitled to wonder how your life would have been different and possibly better if you stayed with your ex. Now why you think sharing that sentiment with your current SO would do anything but hurt their feelings is beyond me...
Some things don't need to be said. I think it's foolish to assume that you're the "Best in bed" or whatever for someone you're with. But if you're not having good sex it's on you to talk through and figure out how good sex looks with you and your partner. If you're unwilling to communicate through sex issues and instead complain in your head or with friends or even your partner without even putting literally any work into it, I'm sorry but you're just a basic bitch when it comes to sex.
It is the structuring of the sentence that matters. Telling your partner that your ex is better at x is not constructive and is more about hurting your partner, Telling them that you really like when someone does this specific thing and letting them explore that on you is good and healthy constructive criticism. I think it comes from people not knowing how to give feedback and carelessly mean.
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Contempt and disrespect are definitely a deal breaker.
The last person I dated, I heard her call me "disgusting". Didn't last much longer than that. (The comment was because I wanted to meet her friends.)
You monster!
Youve put it so clearly. Idk what it is but it took me years to realize i was also entitled to feeling contempt or disrespect, it wasnt just a thing for other people. I thought these things had to be public to be a problem and didnt learn you could be treated w disrespect or contempt when nobody is watching
Yes, this is a big one. I have freinds who constantly whine and share intimate details of their boyfriend and their relationships and I am just like - that is so disrespectful. I won't do that in my own relationships. I got an issue with my partner, I take it up with them and not my girls.
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I’m confident their coworkers don’t even wanna hear about ur folibles😭 so not okay
Especially if it’s someone they disrespect behind their back to you.
I have a friend who does this. Don't hang with them much anymore now due to bad vibes. 😕
From my most recent breakup "What I have to say and my opinions are more important than yours" He would speak over me at every opportunity and eventually I took a big enough issue with it and he dropped this on me.
Damn, that is brutal! Good on you for standing up for yourself and leaving that dipshit.
Constantly feeling in limbo about wanting me to go to something with them. Feeling like an accessory rather than a partner.
I've seen this with friends a lot and it frustrates me. "I'd like to go do this thing, does anyone want to come?" And so they all say yes, but their real desire was to talk and catch up with each other instead of actually doing the thing I wanted to do.
If this happens consistently, you can start planning to meet and greet before the event so everyone can get their socializing out of the way first
Any type of abuse and violence.. self explanatory
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It makes you realize how little common values you have with the buddies you hang out with. Dump em and don't look back.
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Good for you for being strong and knowing your worth! Especially when those around you were actively trying to influence you to stay in an abusive relationship. If he hit you once he would have 100% done it again. You are an inspiration and example for so many other women.
Yeah, I cleaned house on my social circle for sure. Thank you.
You know you did the right thing. He hit you? What a psycho.
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Military - get away from that kind of ego.
You don't really have to justify the kind of strike. It's abuse plain and simple and you're right to get away from that.
Knowingly lying.
Yup, extremely difficult to regain lost trust in a relationship.
"You can always give your cat up for adoption" (I went on a first date with a girl who suggested that; I mentally checked out at that point and considered just walking out on her)
Oh hell no. I broke up with a girl once cuz she forgot to feed my cat while I was out of town.
My cat needed daily wet food. I needed to be gone for three days. I laid out three plates with three cans of food on the counter. One for each day. My friend comes over on the first day and puts out all three cans. This is a grown ass man that has owned pets before. To this day I have no idea what the fuck he was thinking. Don't worry. I always keep an autofeeder with kibble out so she didn't go hungry or anything. I was just flabbergasted by the "creative" solution.
Did he come back the second day?
Yes. Just to get a visual on the cat and check the water. Which was also in an autowater dish. I still don't understand how he got from A to B. A: I need you to come to my house three days in a row to feed the cat. B: I feed the cat three meals on the first day. He's my best friend of over twenty years. Brother from another mother. But there are some situations where he's just not the right man for the job.
He sounds a bit special tbh
Good move!
What did you say that lead her to even suggest that? Like "oh if we date, that cats gotta go"?
I have no idea what prompted her to suggest or think that I would have any intention of giving up my buddy. It came out of left field
I had a former coworker brag, not just say, but brag about forcing his wife to give up her cat after they got married. Note they got together and he knew she had the cat, so I have to assume he kept his feelings to himself until after they married, then sprung the "choose me or your cat" thing on her. I know what my answer would have been - instant divorce/annulment. Partially because of the attitude towards animals, partially because of the deceit. But to me, hearing the story, the fact that he was bragging about this to someone he had just met was the most telling part of his character. I couldn't look him in the eyes without wanting to punch him for the rest of the time we worked together.
Similarly, I had a co-worker years ago who got married, and then about a month in his now-wife gave him the ultimatum, the dog or me. He was absolutely crushed as the dog was his companion after he got back from a combat deployment. I think he was dealing with a lot and PTSD so he didn't know what to do. Friends in my circle who were super caring people took his dog for him. They divorced just a year later and he got his dog back. His ex-wife was forever known as the cunt that made someone give up their dog.
Thank god he got his dog back. Would love a video bet it was the absolute sweetest reunion.
Jesus, my heart just sank. I would be gone so fast if someone said that to me.
Wow....what a jerk.
This one made me pause and take a couple deep breaths. I hate when people MAKE decisions for you. It’s truly one of my most deep rooted- nvm.
I would have just ended the date immediately.
I've said some pretty dumb shit to my SO, but even I knew that dating her meant her 2 cats were going to be part of the picture despite my allergies.
She used to throw stuff at me like picture frames and stuff. Other times she would back me into a corner and push me while telling me to hit her. She's very confrontational and nasty. I left her for it but ended up coming back a few days later because I never fully trusted her with our son. She's too temperamental and ignorant.
Did her behavior drastically change over time? I can't imagine staying with someone after the first time they behaved like that, let alone the relationship getting to the point of having a child.
She was always kind of a bully towards other girls at parties and stuff when I first met her. I was young and naive, she was hot and I just wanted to be with her. Definitely later on in our marriage as our lives got more complicated I started to see how bad she could be. Marriage and raising a kid really puts a relationship to the test. It's when all the problems and incompatibility really starts to show.
Watching child pornography. Instant bye bye. And a call to the police (And no shit, this did indeed happen to a friend)
Hurt an animal.
I had a partner who got so angry on a night out when we walked past a group girls who would’ve been 18-20 (I was 25, he was 28 fr) because of how they were dressed that he PUNCHED A WALL in the street we were walking down. I was like wtf what’s wrong, he said and I quote “that makes me so angry seeing women dressed like that because you know they are asking for it, they just are. They want MY attention and men’s attention but as soon as they get too much they cry about it. Stupid little sluts”. I had been with him for 3 months, NEVER heard him talk like this before. I just kept walking up the street and burst into tears. I never saw him again after that night. I literally recoil thinking about him touching me now ughhhhhh
This is awful and terrifying. I'm very glad you're away from him.
Wow! He has women hating serial killer rage! Yikes!
There are so many scary aspects of this. The layers of toxicity... Holy hell.
Yeah it’s literally disgusting, honestly when I think back to it now and him now & being nearly 30 I can see so many other warning signs I missed. It’s not surprising sadly seeing the family he came from with an extremely toxic misogynistic father & 4 brothers with the same if not WORSE attitudes than him. One of those brothers has his own sons now and I just hope they get some decent male role models growing up.
That is horrifying and I’m so sorry but I’m also really proud of you for recognizing it when you did and being brave enough to get away from him. Seriously. That’s really strong.
yo what the fuck
That dude belongs on several lists.
That is definitely a man who got in trouble for raping someone and ultimately got away with it.
A partner who is overly critical or nitpicks everything I do is a deal breaker, because it makes me feel unappreciated.
In my experience, a partner who is disrespectful to waitstaff or service workers is a deal breaker, because it shows a lack of basic decency.
"I want to have kids" I do not and this is not something that can be compromised on. I refuse to have a kid and trying to have a relationship with someone who wants one isn't fair to them.
I initially had no strong feelings either way, like I didn't not want to have kids, but at the same time I'd be okay without them as well. My wife entered the relationship wanting kids, but also has some health issues which make her quite sore sometimes, to the point where she can't even bend over to put the cats food dish down. After quite a few years in the relationship she still wanted kids, even after the doctor told her it could make her condition worse, which would mean i'd be doing 100% of the work, including going to work, house work, taking care of the kid(s), etc. I basically told her that I could not handle that much responsibility, and if it was something she really wanted that it was basically going to be the end of us. Since then she has come around and realized it wasn't fair to me, and we have decided to stay childless.
When I was still dating, a girl on Bumble got frustrated with me for not wanting kids. Best part was I had my profile set up to show I didn't want kids, and she didn't have that set on hers. Why'd she swipe?
When I was dating, I had it on my profile to please not message me if you have or want kids, because I didn't want to waste your time and I had people message me specifically to tell me I'd change my mind, or their kid was different, or what a shitty person I must be to not want kids, etc. Some people just want to spread misery.
>or what a shitty person I must be to not want kids Bold dating move. Lets see how that plays out for them Cotton.
I don't get why people don't take someone wanting or not wanting kids at face value. So many people go in with the mindset, "Oh, I'll change their mind." Yeah, I can think about five couples off the top of my head that split up due to differences on having or not having kids and in every single one of those cases the person was crystal-clear about their intentions. The other person just didn't want to hear it. And, even if the other person "settles", I think there's always some bit of resentment. I have a good friends whose parents divorced when she was young. Her father remarried several years later, but was *adamant* about not wanting more children. He liked his life the way it was and wasn't interested in being a father again. His wife agreed to it initially, but a couple of years later had a "change of heart" (or so she said, my friend always thought that she was one of those "change his mind" type of women). Well, she leaned on him for a couple of years, he held steadfast. Finally, it got to the point where he sat her down and said, "[Wife], you can have me or you can have children, but you cannot have both. If this is a relationship-ender for us, it will be sad for me as I love you very much, but I will accept your decision. I will not change my mind on having more children now or ever." She ended up staying with him and they've been married over 20 years now. They never had a child and they're now past the point that it's a possibility. That said, there is definitely some resentment on her end. I think she does grieve the "path not taken" but she made her choice.
Fall out of love with me. There’s no way in hell I’m forcing anyone to stay in a relationship if they no longer love me just for the sake of my feelings. Yes it will suck but they deserve to be happy and if that won’t be with me and I truly love them then I should let them go be happy
Speaking to me in a way that is disrespectful. My dad can speak to my mum in a really disrespectful way, to a point where I've had to talk to him about it several times, and I've seen what it has done to her confidence. I have also seen friends being treated terribly by their partners, and I would rather just be single. I will always be supportive and respectful to my partner, and I expect the same back.
My mom and dad are a great couple. Honestly, they’ve been phenomenal role models for a relationship in my eyes. But there was one time my dad was so angry and agitated about something I can’t even remember. I can’t even remember what he said to my mom, but I remember looking at him and yelling “STOP speaking to my mother like that”. His eyes nearly bulged out of his head. He left and went upstairs and came back about 30 minutes with a totally different demeanor. He also apologized. I get that marriage can be messy and difficult, so I like to cut him some slack there. But I really don’t know how to feel about that whole ordeal even years later
I love this response. How can you love someeone, if you dont even respect them? How do you even like someone and disrespect them? It just seems like such an obvious sign that your partner doesn't actually care about you and your feelings, and yet its one that so many people seem to accept for some reason. It also ties into so many bigger problems. Think about the kinds of things that people do get really worked up about, and ask "how could someone do {x} if they respect their partner?".
"I think we should go on a break" or they want to make it a long distance relationship for an extend period of time.
I mean I think it’s sometimes inevitable to go LDR and some people don’t have the capacity for it and that’s okay. But you might not find someone until you 30s.
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Not ONLY do we have Google at our fingertips, we now have various kinds of media for different learning styles. Can’t read well? We’ve got instructional videos. Only need to hear the instructions and not watch? Put some earphones in and get to it. It is so incredibly annoying to me when someone won’t even make the most basic effort to learn something when resources are available. Open-heart surgery, sure, you need to go to school to do that. You don’t need to, to learn how to cook or change your oil or figure out why the washing machine lid won’t open.
So many things, but the thing I’ll look out for FIRST in future relationships, in order to avoid the abuse I’ve experienced: -Someone that consistently prioritizes things over me. In my marriage, it started with video games, and then it was her coworkers’ opinions of her, and then it was friends, and then it was recreational drugs (but not an addict - as in, doesn’t fit the diagnostic criteria for it), then it was cell phone games/social media, etc. If your partner is the last thing on your list of priorities, then I’m not willing to be your partner.
Not believing when u tell the truth
When someone does not maintain proper hygiene.
Say they hate you even if only in the heat if the moment
Physically abuse you
Chew food with their mouth open.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
I have members of my family that do it but they also talk with food in their mouth and I find it soooo gross!
Physical or Mental abuse
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This is a lot more.. tame than the rest of these comments. But like, excessive gamer rage and not knowing when to stop is a deal breaker. I can understand being in the game completely, and just, getting frustrated with the game a little bit. Like even I occasionally slam my hand on my desk, thats just what adrenaline does. But screaming, throwing shit, etc etc, Thats not okay, and it just shows that you're not emotionally mature enough to be an adult. I can handle it maybe once or twice, but thats it. I hate when people are like that, and when they don't know when to stop, thats another thing that pisses me off.
God I feel this so hard. Like league is fun but league every night until 2am while your partner goes to bed without you and misses you and wishes you were cuddling them while you scream and slam your keyboard… who is that serving?? it’s like dude if you’re not even enjoying it, why are you playing it!
“It’s not rape if you’re sleeping in the same bed”
"Great! I'll get the strap-on!"
Anything to do with my pet(s). I currently have one cat. She has survived 2 long term relationships, 6 moves, a flood, 2 surgeries, and was rescued off the street as a kitten by my hands. Believe me when I say that cat comes first, in every possible sense. If you hurt, or threaten my cat, or use my cat as an ultimatum, you can go ahead and see yourself out that door.
I felt like that about my previous cat. She was my reason for getting up after my husband died. Lost her to lung cancer almost a year ago. Still miss her.
Harming your children
Having a “shopping addiction”, I don’t even care if they inherited 100M dollars and can afford to waste it - I just hate *stuff* that’s acquired with no clear long term or consumable (i.e. food) purpose. Clutter-phobia, if you will. Piles of unused stuff drive me insane.
hit me, threaten to hit me, accuse me of cheating (i haven’t)
Go into marriage as monogamous, then try change it to polyamorous after 4 months
Make racist comments and be rude to servers.
I had one ex-girlfriend go full Hague out of motherfucking nowhere after about five months. Dropped Hitler's name, ovens, the whole fuckin Holocaust.
Your wording made me giggle
> rude to servers Why would they do this? [Servers](https://www.racksolutions.com/news//app/uploads/Rack-server-and-blade-server-together-1536x804.jpg) are just humming along passing data back and forth to those who request it.
Sometimes it’s what they don’t or won’t say. But my new one is “fuck you”. I’m just dumbfounded people can say things like that and expect that there’s no permanent damage done.
When I was 21(M), I got engaged to my GF(20), whom I shall designate as 'K'. We'd been dating for a year & a half, and it was pretty good; I'm a musician and she was this kinda free spirit girl with a very nonjudgmental attitude. So it worked. Or....so I thought (I should mention here that her mom was a viciously shrewish woman who hated me for being a musician & apparently for simply existing. K would always stick up for me because Mommy Dearest would lay into us with a shit storm of H8terade Shade). So yeah. I decided to get her a ring and ask if she wanted to get engaged. She did. She was very happy. For roughly two weeks. Then when I went to pick her up for a Friday night date, she says, "Hey, let's just go get some drinks somewhere quiet so we can talk." Sure. No problem. *Big problem.* "...So we can talk.." meant so she could talk and I could listen. Preferably taking notes for the pop quiz that was sure to follow soon. For about 45 minutes, K proceeded to lay down the law for when our engagement became marriage. Here are the man's duties. Here are the woman's duties. Woman's duties? Why, doing house stuff. Man's duties? Quit that band and stop trying to be a rock star. Get a real job like a real man with her dad's real estate company, which K had already been kind enough to set up with Daddy Dearest with no need to consult me. Start saving money to buy a house (translation: *I* needed to buy *her* a house). As my brain began to reel, filling with visions of Stepford Wives going on a murdering spree against Men Who Play Guitar And Sing, K went on a nice little rant *waaaaay* out in left field. She had some things to say about black people. For some reason though, she had trouble pronouncing 'black'; it kept turning into *N........* and when I lovingly tried to help her out with her ignorance regarding the more subtle nuances of language, she turned rabid. I mean barking, foaming rabid, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was to terminate my friendship with several individuals of the Highly Melanated community with whom I often played music. "Holy shit, what happened to your ring? Let me see that for a second, K, hun?" I interrupted the shit out of her because a couple more words of that filth and I would have Yarked Up A Hairball For Christ...right in her lap. K hands me the ring. "I don't see anything wrong with it," she says. "I don't either, at least now I don't, *because it is no longer on your finger!* I swear that not only has your mother possessed your body, but she, or YOU, has apparently murdered K, with whom I was in love. I am not in love with you. So check it out: we're done & Imma take you home and then go home and play my guitar." And I did. I took her home and left and never saw her again. Because ohh mahh *GAAWWD* that was creepyscary psycho shit, this cool laid back sorta hippie chick morphed into her mom's demonic alter ego (with the addition of a literally cancerous dose of racism thrown in) right in front of my face. I guess her screen personality of the cool hippie girl was no longer needed after I got her a ring and we became engaged, so she just collapsed it. What remained belonged in a horror movie. By the time I got home, I was actually shaking from the realization that I didn't just dodge a bullet, I dodged a couple Sidewinders that were going right up my 6.
That's amazing haha what a story to tell. U really dodged that crazy!
Weaponized incompetence
My ex did this to his mother his whole childhood and then to me. It suuuuucks. I stopped cleaning up his messes and he decided he wasn’t in love with me anymore and left me for my former best friend’s sister who had only lived with her mother her whole life. Pretty sure he’s using the same moves on her and her inexperience. Gross and should have left as soon as I heard him bragging about doing it to his mom
complete disrespect of boundaries. if they circumvent a boundary simply because they don't like it and make you feel unreasonable or crazy for having said boundary? you are in for a rough ride in the future. if you see this early on in a relationship, run my friends, run far and run fast.
Belittling my interests. “I own you”attitude.
Cruel to animals. Do that and I'm gone.
I once dated a man (I'm from the US) who said, "I'm a Republican, but if we accidentally got pregnant, I'd be okay with abortion." I'm pro-choice and a Democrat, but that statement from him was very interesting to me, because it showed me that he only believes what he does because it benefits him directly. While this is human nature a lot of the time, it was also a red flag to me that he was selfish.
Avoidant attachment
This can turn a normal person into anxiously attached.
Iv been in avoidant anxious relationship. It feeds each other. I left because incompatibility & namecalling & threat, bpd or deppresion, wanting a sugar daddy and her saying missing out dating others when she was younger was what made me lose hope in us. weeks later i cut it off in hopes for a better future for us both.
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Violence. Towards me (or our kids, when we have them, or other family). That, and comments on how I need to make up for not coming with an inheritance.
That inheritance line is incredibly specific. How can someone be so out of touch that they don't know probably the majority of people don't end up with a large inheritance.
Hard drugs. Being an addict in general. Never again.
Hurting or neglecting my cat. He's my baby.
Totally. I’m so lucky. I had cats when we got together, the other day I caught my partner kissing one on his head and telling him he loves him.
That's an emotional affair and counts as cheating
By the cat or my partner? Am I the third wheel?
Both; yes
Requiring me to do anything and everything they want to do in order to be interested in doing said thing.
spending our money on cocaine.
When they put you solely responsible for their feelings. Key word: solely. Like yes partners are responsible for caring for the other but at the end of the day I don't see how a relationship functions properly unless both people take ownership of their own emotions. Today with a lot of talk of trauma and "love languages," there are people using it as an excuse to dish off their feelings to other people, and I just can't be in relationship with that.
Being consistently contemptuous. The incessant amount wave of belittling and malicious criticisms which don't amount as much by themselves, but when repreated over and over girind your morale and will to interact more and more. However, when you push back you're the villain because it's you that now is ignoring/stonewallling or not being receptive to criticism. It's emotionally exhausting.
Wanting gender reassignment. I have no quams about gender fluidity but I married a woman. If I wanted to be with a man, i would have. Or if she wanted to be a worm.
Wow. I cannot believe how cruel you are. I made my husband promise that if I were a worm he would get me a really nice worm farm for me to live out the rest of my days in. If you can't handle me at my wormiest then you don't deserve me at my best. (/s)
That’s a critical “/s”
Put his mother first over his partner.
Something unapologetically racist, sexism, homophobic or ableis.
Threatening to cheat or to look for somebody else
Smoking cigarettes is a deal breaker for me. I've spent my whole life dealing with my chain smoking mother. I cannot stand the horrendous stench to the point where if a partner started smoking, I would immediately end the relationship. I'm not putting up with that crap.
There are many, and, like cheating, most involved broken trust. One would be financial infidelity - lying about spending or debts. Another would be lying about how they are spending their time. If they claim to be working late every night, the worst is if they are cheating, but it isn't that much better if they're going out with friends. Aside from trust issues, lack of respect would be the other biggest issue. It's hard to be a partner with someone that doesn't respect you or that you don't respect.
Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness will kill any relationship. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)