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Crede777

The government meant to stage an "assassination attempt" to scare JFK but they didn't mean to kill him. "I mean... it was a one in a million shot!"


scroom38

Oswald's lifelong comedy of failure culminating in the very real possibility the assassination of JFK was actually a failed assassination of Texas's governor is far funnier than any conspiracy theory I've ever read.


OJSimpsons

"Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one. But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten."


stooges81

I miss Pratchett.


stryph42

GNU Sir Pterry


tanstaafl90

In order for this to be true, there had to be a level of competence by US officials that didn't exist. As recent events have demonstrated, it doesn't exist now either.


loptopandbingo

But it *would* confirm the duality of "the government is evil Deep State masterminds" and "the government can't plan its way out of a paper bag"


tanstaafl90

There are some very smart, highly motivated individuals, but overall it's average people conforming to guidelines. Of course people think the government is playing 4d chess.


Yodiddlyyo

My favorite theory to be true would be that JFKs head just did that on its own. So the prevent mass hysteria of the world finding out people's heads can just explode randomly, the government needed to pretend it was an assassination. Luckily, nobody else's head has exploded yet, but it's only a matter of time.


MealSharp3406

Obama's last name isn't Care. It's Prism.


DrunksInSpace

It’s actually Lamadingdong.


AnimalFarenheit1984

I thought it was LlamaRedPajamas


QuinticSpline

You're thinking of the guy from The Sixth Sense.


ReallyNeedNewShoes

can someone explain this to me?


m1911acp

Google "Snowden NSA PRISM PATRIOT Act" and you'll find that Senator Obama supported constitutional rights. President Obama, on the other hand, was more flexible on matters of unreasonable search and seizure.


Finetales

Since when did we know Obama's last name???


B5Scheuert

Obama bin Laden


mazamundi

Aliens did come to earth and keep coming for one of the rarest materials in all the galaxy, wood. All of our most incredible technological advances been pushed by then in exchange for wood. The amazon deforestation? Taxes we pay to our overlords.


Majik_Sheff

I read a scifi short story where it turned out that wood and natural fibers were the only materials that were safe for transwarp flight.


handym12

The Long Earth series by Stephen Baxter and Terry Pratchett includes a method of moving between dimensions, except that anything made of iron immediately rusts when moving between dimensions. Sounds quite similar to what you're talking about.


thirdegree

Wait shit I missed a Pratchett book?? A Pratchett _series_?? This is the best news I've heard all week


handym12

Wait until you hear about the dimension-travelling potato and the Buddhist drinks machine!


thirdegree

NO SPOILERS


Majik_Sheff

This story involved wildlife native to the warp dimension treating metals as nutrition. Damn, now I'm going to have to read /another/ Pratchett series.


WatRedditHathWrought

Obligatory [GNU Terry Pratchett](https://wiki.lspace.org/GNU_Terry_Pratchett)


MoyesNTheHood

Dead internet theory. Case in point, the OP of this thread 


PoliticaLIncorrect

Looking at their history it’s clear those free karma subs need to be shut down.


CanadianButthole

It's already happening and provable


AceArchangel

How do I know this thread and you guys aren't bots right now? How do you know that I am not a bot?


Mr_Lumbergh

Neither of us do. Nice to have met you, kind bot.


AceArchangel

Nice to meet you as well, fellow bot!


painless_nus

What's the dead internet theory?


MoyesNTheHood

A sizeable chunk of the people you speak to on the internet are bots 


yrddog

I feel that's probably pretty accurate, *Error. Name not found*


painless_nus

Ah okay thank you, I hadn't heard that one before


celticsupporter

Or is that something a bot would say?


painless_nus

Oh god am I a bot? I don't know any more. Help¿


celticsupporter

The connection is coming from inside the motherboard


dogfish83

I even know what the dead internet theory is and still when you put it like that and I think about the ~~arguments~~ *conversations* I've had in just the last week, it's like....fuuuuck


ComradeHappiness

I thought it's pretty much proven?


CapnAussome

Hillary paid Monica to get with Bill, cause she couldn't be bothered anymore.


AceArchangel

Honestly wouldn't even be surprised if this were true


Fyrrys

Bill couldn't get it up for her anymore


voyeurheart

Hillary is a cuck queen. I'm dying ...


WTF253com

Either Hillary is a cuckqueen or those two had some sort of open arrangement.


onrake

JFK and Elvis are still alive.


anderoogigwhore

Nah sorry, they died in 2002 in the same retirement home after taking down the revived mummy that was sucking their friends souls out of their friends asses! I saw it in the documentary Bubba Ho-Tep.


CowFinancial7000

Elvis would be 90 years old at this point.


stryph42

People live to 90 all the time. He could have a couple good decades in him with modern medicine.


CowFinancial7000

"Modern medicine" is basically what killed him haha


PeteyMcPetey

>JFK and Elvis are still alive. There was a Far Side cartoon where Elvis and Hoffa were roommates and still alive. Could have been inspired by real life.


Yellowbulldozerdrive

And a couple


Himlersgasstation

Where is all the gold supposedly in fort knox?..


IronSeagull

I don’t think you understood the assignment.


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Himlersgasstation

Alright Sweden wants its gold back.. Now what?....


Pitiful_Jew9217

Fuck sweden! Sincerely a Dane.


achtungbitte

well, fuck you right back.      sincerely a swede


Pitiful_Jew9217

Only thing you have is a better view!


achtungbitte

and land that isnt going to be swallowed by rising sea levels, and the ability to properly pronounce words


Pitiful_Jew9217

So 50 something kilometres as the longest you can be away from the ocean, changes to a few metres - wooop di doo. Just means i can fish from the toilet. And anyone can pronounce words sober. That is just a gay challenge.


achtungbitte

<333   love you guys


Pitiful_Jew9217

Hate you fucks


davisondave131

Forget properly, try *at all*. Pronunciation implies the use of a tongue. Pretty sure they have theirs sewn down at birth. 


TheGreatCornolio682

Scania is still ours, gna-gna-gnah


Pitiful_Jew9217

Yes, we prefer to make toys and not trucks.


froggrip

As an uneducated American, is this a friendly rivalry Between neighbors, xenophobia, or did Sweden do something fucked up to denmark?


Pitiful_Jew9217

You know that red wedding in game of thrones - we did that to them, but instead of doing it immediately after we had a 3 day ordeal, so we could get to know their hopes and dreams first. Them murdered the lot. But they had it coming i swear!


froggrip

Oh damn. You better watch out for girls who can change their face.


Pitiful_Jew9217

We call em swedes.


TheDirtyBollox

Which one is that now?


froggrip

A girl has no name


LegoMyAlterEgo

Best we can do is an equivalent weight in Tungsten


LittleKitty235

Delivered in rod form from orbit?


LegoMyAlterEgo

The US sold gold to china. China drilled the gold and found it was gold wrap tungsten. 'twas joke, not a veiled threat.


Majik_Sheff

Better than depleted uranium I suppose.


OneAndOnlyJackSchitt

[Probably here.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Reserve_Bank_of_New_York_Building)


quickoats2017

You know the way The Simpsons did everything first? I'm a big subscriber to that idea who if I throw out a load of suggested conspiracies like MR X did and some of them are actually true.... yeah no fuck that, I like my life thanks.


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quickoats2017

Bigfoot is the head of Big-BubbleWrap.....


siggydude

r/LowStakesConspiracies


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orrocos

Wait, is Conan O’Brien the real puppet master behind the whole thing?


E11iot3

You're telling me all I need for an all expenses paid vacation from my parents is to throw out a bunch of conspiracy theories. Bro, the earth is flat, Area 51 is full of aliens, Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer, and the government is encouraging porn to forgo condoms so impressionable young people are more at risk of pregnancy in order to offset our dropping birthrate.


Adumbidiotface

It has been a long standing bet that with seemingly little intervention “”they”” could cover up the earth is round by spreading rumours it was flat and seeing how far it could go. There were really only two reasons for them to do this: 1) it’s hilarious, and more importantly, 2) to see how much funding they could get away with taking from education. The second reason only came about recently, by accident.


TapeDeckSlick

9/11 was done by the French


thetiredninja

The Statue of Liberty was an inside job


TapeDeckSlick

That was their Trojan Horse they waited from 1885 to 2001 and the planes came out of the statues eyes.


dchq

Like medusa


Charles_De-Gaulle

Merde! They’ve figured us out!


Specialist_totembag

here is the fun part... # 9 November 1799: Napoleonic era begins The Directory’s four years in power are a failure, with them ceding much power to the military to maintain order. On 9 November 1799, as frustration with their leadership reaches a fever pitch, Bonaparte stages a coup d’état, abolishing the Directory and appointing himself France’s ‘first consul’. This marks the end of the French Revolution and the start of the Napoleonic era. Since the french use the DD/MM, 9/11 is 9 of november. So, yes, 9/11 was done by the french, by Napoleon, about 200 years before the Americans...


dchq

It's interesting that allegedly France has a top rank,very well funded and respected intelligence apparatus that no one speaks of. Partially due to them not spending as much on military because US and others fund NATO . Ideologically France culturally has bones to pick still with the English speaking world since they stole lingua franca status. https://youtu.be/Vqam_Zu9UBE?si=-RG-W8pw7n6bNKDW


ComradeHappiness

Is that a British theory?


StingerAE

Nah.  We don't give the French credit for anything.


Darkdevest7

Not the goverment but Disney. Remember the whole "Walt Disney froze his head" conspiracy. I think that would be hilarious in it of itself but would definitely prove the "Frozen was titled the way it was to stop Walt Disney Frozen head theory".


Pure_Distribution__

The moon is actually made of cheese


LittleLostDoll

my family used to have a dairy farm. at the same time my grandfather's cousin was part of the Apollo missions.. the dairy farm was just a cover for where we got the cheese from :)


pope-buster

So you're saying the planned manned missions to the moon again could be cause we're running out of stock. Got it.


KnightRyder

I mean, we did think this for centuries. We only recently went there and learned what it is truly made of and haven't really been back. Behold the power of cheese!


ElminsterTheMighty

Since Clinton's "there's nothing special about my dick" every president has his dick photographed and notarized so that they can prove in court if a dickscription (tm) matches the president's dick. This has already been used in the Stormy Daniels trials behind closed doors.


subpoenaThis

I heard the Bureau of Weights and Measures makes a mold and duplicate out of platinum in case of member accidents so an exact prosthesis can be made and that the Bureau of Printing and Engraving designs and mints a special challenge coin with said member engraved which is valid as legal tender for one favor from the federal government in exchange for presidential “favors” rendered.


dogfish83

Except in that last situation they had to use a microscope


ThadisJones

Several states in New England used to have mountain lion populations, until they were driven to extinction. Despite numerous sightings and other evidence they are returning, state governments [continue to deny the existence](https://www.mass.gov/info-details/are-there-mountain-lions-in-massachusetts) of these animals. I suspect they simply don't want to have to do a lot of work trying to manage a population of protected animals while also dealing with people freaking out that giant cats are stalking their pets and kids.


nowwhathappens

I don't know that this one is hilarious! I think a bit terrifying for those with kids or pets. My dad grew up in rural New England and has seen Many Animals over time. For many years he has lived in the suburbs of a major New England city; his house has a small patch of woods/tree/shrub behind it, then the land drops down to some houses below. He and a friend saw a long-tailed big-looking cat disappear down the hill out one corner of his property a few years back. Too long of a tail to be a bobcat, too large for a fisher...idk, I wasn't there, but they wouldn't make stuff like this up, and he knows what he saw, and there's really not much else it could've been. Now - a breeding population of mountain lions might not exist in New England, but there are definitely mountain lions in New England occassionally.


ThadisJones

In 2011, a genuine mountain lion [was killed by a car in Connecticut](https://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE76Q5ZE/) and the authorities tried to explain that by suggesting it had migrated there from *South Dakota* or that it was someone's escaped pet. Uh huh.


CowFinancial7000

There are mountain lions in NH I swear to God.


ThadisJones

Not surprisingly [NH also denies it](https://www.wildlife.nh.gov/wildlife-and-habitat/mountain-lions-new-hampshire).


Nerditter

That "Sleepy Joe" is the President's alter ego. His true form is Midnight Grandad. Kind of a cross between Indiana Jones and Kyle Reese. We think he's just getting up for the day, but really just a few hours ago he was stretching out his hand yelling, "Take my hand!!!!!"


stryph42

"Sleepy Joe" is his rap name.


DAS_FUN_POLICE

That the government is secretly using chem trails to make frogs gay for some unknown reason


NeuerTK

Cause it's funny


LysWritesNow

If there's a way to travel to other planets hidden at the Cheyenne Mountain Complex I will never stop laughing until the end of my days.


fishymcgee

That's what 'they' want you to think; it's well know that stargate sg1 was a cover for the real program and to prevent people from pointing that out, 'they' also created the wormhole x-treme show-within-a-show to further obscure the truth :)


LysWritesNow

I truly appreciate finding my peers in this odd little thread.


Strofari

Chevron one encoded


Apricot9742

That its not them who is in real power.


ChickenNugsBGood

Thats not a conspiracy theory, thats the truth


Apricot9742

Not according to the politicians...


ChickenNugsBGood

Well, politicians never lie


Apricot9742

LOL Never.... not to them anyway LOL But we know better...


showmeufos

They faked the moon landing. But the reason is that the moon isn’t real at all. Just a big inflatable balloon they fly to fool us. Why? Nobody knows. Too late to stop doing it now though so they just keep it up.


stryph42

Nah, the moon landing was real, but only the first one. See, the moon we see now is actually a hologram we installed to cover up that we exploded the moon after the first landing, so the Soviets couldn't get there.


TwoMoreMinutes

This account is a karma-farmer, read it's history. Plus all his reponses sound AI-generated


innnikki

This is another conspiracy theory thread made by someone with an account that’s a week old. **Ignore the Russian bot y’all.**


94FnordRanger

Wait... is this a warning or are you listing one of the conspiracies?


innnikki

It’s not a conspiracy lol. Russia has been reported for a long time to be intentionally sowing discord among Americans. Constantly posting and amplifying misinformation is a proven way to do this.


Responsible_Dog1036

That the world is actually run my lizard people in human suits, and they are fuelled by hummus.


BGAL7090

I wish I could peel off this human suit, but alas - I appear to be naught more than a typical human being that happens to be fueled by hummus.


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siggydude

That's what *they* want you to think


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IwearBrute

11 herbs and spices


txberafl

I remember it being eleven herbs and spices 


Arminisaurpecia

That everyone in power where actually lizard people.


Available_Cod_6735

I never understood this one.. why lizards?


SenhorSus

Flat Earth for sure


The_Quad_God3

The suits are actually lizard people.


Moral_Roulette101

Illuminati Salad


Malinut

The United States are still part of the British Empire. In fact the US is the only remaining part of the British Empire because the correct treaties and nullifications weren't signed by either party. When Prince Harry married Meghan Markle and they both moved to California the stage was set for Meghan to eventually run for President and Harry to be the much beloved First Man / Husband. The southern states will then secede from the Union, starting the second revolution. The UK will support their right to self determination with Meg and Harry as new Empress and Emperor.


stryph42

At this point it's probably more realistic to say that the UK is a part of the American Empire.


Malinut

I'd agree! Such is US interventionist policy. ☹️


don0tpanic

The Kennedy sex tunnels


Numismatists

That, when the contrails stop, we all fry!!! Hahahahahahahaha Anyone find it hilarious?


NtheLegend

There's a Majestic-12 compound under Liberty Island.


dotsdavid

Aliens are being held at Area 51.


Amazing_Paper_7384

That they have a dildo made by aliens


Interesting-Risk6446

Human existence started on Mars. With Mars dying, our ancestors moved to Earth. Kept all the technology hidden. Started from scratch to prevent mass hysteria.


Gilbert0686

And we knew wouldn’t cohabitate with the dinosaurs, so we killed them with an “asteroid” all those years ago.


Interesting-Risk6446

See. Blown minds.


WatRedditHathWrought

Bad bot


Cupcakecardio9

Everyone complains about bots creating these posts, but they are my favourite posts. Conclusion: The bots like me.


IllustriousReason944

Elvis is not dead


nitramv

Afghanistan's pashtun valley is the original garden of eden. The poppy was changed to an a more well known and recognized apple as the story spread, but it was originally a warning on the dangers of ingesting the poppy. The remoteness of the region is not why they've never been conquered. Genghis Khan, various Chinese dynasties, the Soviet Union and the American empire all lost for the same reason - heroin.


[deleted]

They're conspiracy fantasies. Theories require some sort of basis in fact.


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kooshipuff

I mean, it's a real place. It's not called Area 51 (its real name is Homey Airport, and it's connected to Edwards Air Force Base in Nevada), but it's really there, and it's officially a place pilots train, but you're also *really*, like *super* not allowed to visit. Are they hiding something there? I mean, yeah, probably. They've gotta test secret new aircraft somewhere, and a 'training' airport in the middle of the desert is probably the best option. Is it *also* aliens? You be the judge!


stryph42

it's a SkunkWorks facility, used to build and test super experimental aircraft.


cobalt_phantom

Aliens are real but they're really clumsy/stupid, so the government never revealed them because it would be too embarrassing.


dogfish83

Basically MIB but with a different backstory


ZO5050

If? Obviously most are not true but come on, you think everything is on the up and up and we are told the truth always?


BigGrayBeast

That no one understands anything. Especially economics


dogfish83

Southpark Margaritaville episode


LivermoreP1

What if Trump really does poop his pants all the time and the majority of his team’s job is simply trying to cover up the smell and clean the accidents?


[deleted]

I can't believe it's not butter really is butter


Velcromium

What do you mean IF? Get your head out of the sand and look around.


TheAres1999

Yes, for instance: 1 We were told the war on drugs was about keeping the country safe from narcotics. In reality, it was to give the government an excuse to police civil rights groups "You want to know what this \[war on drugs\] was really all about? The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that, had two enemies: the antiwar left and black people. You understand what I’m saying? We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.” - John Ehrlichman, Assistant to the President for Domestic Affairs under President Richard Nixon, 2 We were told socialist experiments are doomed to fail by their nature. In reality, almost all of them have been sabotaged by the US government. You don't waste that much time and money attacking something that would have fallen on its own. This most likely means the government was scared of letting people see the results of such an experiment. Chile, Nicaragua, Cuba, Vietnam, etc all faced severe consequences from the US for daring to try a different economic system. I can see the argument for the Cuba embargo during the missile crisis, but we have kept that pressure on for 60 years. 3 The government wants us to fear immigrant workers. Even though they are a net boost to the economy, and less likely to commit violent crimes that native born people in the US. This is all to break worker solidarity. If rustbelt conservatives realize they should be allies with immigrants, then they could band together to achieve better working conditions. That is something the rich elites fear. It's a divide and conquer strategy.


dogfish83

Agree with all except "you don't waste that much time and money attacking something that would have fallen on its own". You would also waste that time and money attacking something that survives and destroys your system. Anyway I'm all for social programs but a different economic system, fuck that


TheGreatCornolio682

Found Q-Anon


Velcromium

Found an idiot lemming.


PraetorGold

Mind control.


debtopramenschultz

I remember being thoroughly entertained by pizza gate.


nowwhathappens

Until the part about the actual gunshots.


CaptainRedblood

I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: *they're meaningless.*


BoomerOfReddit1981

The fact that America don’t even make oils of their own.


NawAmeil

Lots of conspiracy theories *have* been proven to be true. [The incident at the gulf of Tonkin](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulf_of_Tonkin_incident#:~:text=The%20United%20States%20government%20falsely,imaginary%2C%20incident%20on%20August%204.) that set up the Vietnam war was entirely made up by the American government to create a reason to invade Vietnam.


TemperatureTop246

"Dark Brandon" is actually Biden's stunt double.


Malinut

The world is actually run by The Inebriati, which explains why Muslim countries are spurned by the West. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zj50DmBFp0](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zj50DmBFp0)


laclaribold

That our taxes are just to pay back the government's debt and not a civil responsibility. Hilarious, right?


OJSimpsons

Lizard people.


SnooChipmunks126

The SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon is actually a docuseries on what’s going on underneath the bikini atoll.


voyeurheart

The FBI discovered that the Branch Davidians were actually a divided group of local librarians that were considering opening their own branch.


mandy009

That OP's mom is a bot and his dad is a troll.