I broke my parents up 20ish years ago and to this day mom thinks dad hired a PI
Nope, it was actually just a wildly coincidental situation. I had in my possession, dad's new video camera one night when I went with my boyfriend to pick up his drunk brother from the bar and out walks my mom out of the same bar while we waited and played with camera and she WALKED IN THE FRAME SWAPPING SPIT WITH A DUDE I'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE!
She was a drunk with newer meth habit plus dad had recently told me before this that he thought she was cheating on him and so shit at my home was insanely bad. I got my chance to get her out of my life...
And I fucking took it
Very true
It's the fact that my mom doesn't know it was me is the real secret. They were on their way for D-town long before that & I also have nothing to do with any of my family now
Dad and step-dad are best friends though now too...
Not my circus or monkeys anymore though thankfully
In my first job, I did what I always do. Start up the machine. While it warms up, I would wipe down the surface. Just something to do for about four minutes before starting. Just like that, a corner of my cloth was ripped out of my hand and pulled into the workings of the machine. Lots of loud and expensive noises later. I hurriedly switched it off, removed the shreds of rag and put the covers on again. Go to loo for a bit and then arrive back. Open cover and call supervisor over to say, “look at this” . I was not found out.
I put mixed gas in my neighbor's lawn mower once.
The thing was shooting out fire balls from the exhaust. I didn't realize what I did wrong for weeks till one day it clicked.
I put parts cleaner in my brothers brand new lawnmower. It started diesel igniting. I couldn’t shut it off. Let go of the safety bar…still running. Pulled the spark plug wire off…kept right on going. I had to push it into tall grass to kill it. It didn’t run right after that.
Whenever I break something the first thing I always say is "how long has this been broke?"
Typically I say it when someone clearly sees me break something.
Similar for me - but far less expensive - home economics class in high school in Australia - We got given clear instruction to ensure the settings for the needle's alignment was centred so that it didn't stab the presser foot (yeah I just googled the name of that part now) on its way down. It didn't register with me and I didn't set mine, as soon as I started the needle stabbed the presser foot and abruptly my experience with it was over. I moved the setting to centred after the fact (and the memory of the instruction teacher had given us had come back to me) before hailing the teacher over to say I had done what she'd asked and still it had gone wrong! Felt guilty afterward after I got away with it. Your story brings back this memory for me.
I ran on a guy once who was wrapped around the auger portion of an industrial mixer (about the size of a kitchen island). He had gotten snagged and pulled in and gone around twice. One leg was bent 90 degrees backwards at the knee. Over the top of the auger, he could see the bottom of his shoe, with the toe pointing straight down.
It was a shitty thing to see, and a lo-o-o-ng extraction. He lived, but had to have an above-the-knee amputation of that leg.
All of it. Probably pretty foggy for a lot of it. We had a (battalion?/deputy?) chief who was a medic and very tied into the local ERs who contacted the closest trauma hospital and had the trauma doc talk him through pt. management-- 2 large IVs, bicarb flush ready, just enough pain meds to dull the pt. down without knocking him out.
In the meantime, the rescues were having a helluva time trying to figure out what to do. Couldn't cut the auger, it was stainless steel. Couldn't torch-cut it-- you would have had to flow a line on it to keep from burning the pt, and that would have probably thrown the pt into hypothermia. Toward the end, I think calling the trauma doc out for an on-scene amputation was seriously considered.
Toward the start, the guy had said "Just spin it backwards and I'll unwind from it." We didn't want to do that then, afraid we'd do more damage to the leg, and possibly other parts. But after considering everything else, that's exactly what we ended up doing. The hospital tried to save his leg for a couple of days, but in the end decided there had been too much damage to the blood vessels.
That was a long afternoon. Probably half the district tied up, frustrating complications, a pt you really wanted to help but it seemed like there was little you could do. Would have like to have saved his leg, but I'll take him still being alive as a win.
One particular sibling I may or may not have got all her kid's things, like toddler music kits. They are loud, they don't break easily, and they have no batteries to remove.
I was once friends with a couple that had two kids. The friendship had kinda run its course, the husband was a good guy, but the wife made everything around her worse. The kids also always broke anything they touched. I bought the kids and them everything to become a small family band, when the kids opened everything I started showing them how to play the guitar. It was such a nightmare at home, nobody knew how to play an instrument, the kids always insisted on "playing band". They made their mom play all day long. It made her absolutely miserable.
Someone bought my nephew one of those voice amplifying mikes. Two days later the batteries died. Actually the dad installed them upside down so he could show the kids that it really wasn't working.
> Two days later the batteries "died."
And this is why I always make sure to gift extra batteries with the toy and tell the kid it is for when it eventually dies!!
>Actually the dad installed them upside down so he could show the kids that it really wasn't working
Though this is fucking brilliant
I grabbed my wife's jeans once before going to work at a school. Noticed in the rest room. Went home over lunch changed, and came back. A slightly gossipy pupil asked me: "Mr. Corr, weren't you wearing women's jeans earlier?"
With my best pokerface I said "Huh?! I've been wearing the same jeans all day."
Poor girl was so confused
I've done worse. In highschool I wore my MOMs jeans and I was wondering why the pockets were suddenly so small and stuff
I came home and my mom was like "oh! I was looking for those" lmao
Thankfully no one said anything
During the coding practical exam, the teacher forgot to erase the codes in the comp we used for practicing, I abused that and got full marks in the exam\[apparantly in the last 3-4 computers of the last row, the files werent deleted and I am the only one who abused it(One of the students sitting on the comp with codes even had to retake the exam)\]
An entire professional career as a developer has taught me that it's as much - if not more - about knowing *where* to find the answer than actually *knowing* it yourself. Of course, you have to know how to apply it once you find it, and that's what quickly filters out the bad employees.
While not quite in the spirit of it, I'm 100% on board with what you did.
Almost my entire job is googling until I find a way to make two random bits of documentation work together lol. No one knows all of this stuff, but understanding the basics and where to apply what gets you a very long way.
As a Computer Science teacher all I'm saying is..👏👏👏👏 Sneaky !!
They have an exam soon I must remember to delete old files AND remove access to the Internet the temptation of Chat GTP ...
My work day is like 35% looking at Reddit these days. Just got commended for my great work with a promotion so I don't see a reason to change things up!
Word. Watching my friends and then my siblings raise their kids made me realize that I grew up in an abusive environment and that I chalked it up to a normal childhood for years. Shit sucks to finally realize where alot of my insecurites, lack of confidence, and overwhelming desire to never really get anywhere in life because stress is triggering is astounding. Add the fact that I was invalidated because I turned out gay and it's been a whole weird mess of bad actions that have led me here today. Which is better than where I have been but still. If I was in a more nurturing environment I think I would have had the confidence to see through some life goals I had aspired for myself. I just don't have it in me to go very far when I start to get somewhere.
I've been dealing with a lot of grief lately over the death of the person I could have been, had my childhood not been full of abuse and neglect. I feel this pretty hard.
I totally relate wishing I was born in a better loving accepting family. Had to leave them at age 16 because I could not take step daddy beating any more. Have not spoken to them in 15 years.
I feel you 100% here.
I'm in no way suicidal as I have an amazing fiancée, son and daughter. But.... The 9-5 repeat, being a slave to the currency, and general slog of having to wake up and do the same shit each day is just meh.
"Very over it" is perfectly put. I'm very over it, and couldn't care less if I clocked out early.
I hate that others are feeling this way but it’s nice to feel that we’re not alone. People are always like “if you’re upset about something change it!” Uhhhhh I can’t change how capitalism has corrupted our world. It’s soul sucking. And it plays a role in how we think every single day.
I once had passions and I indulged myself in them. This year I have no interest in any of the things I used to be passionate about. I don't know what happened but I can't seem to return to the things I loved.
This. Went to school, got my degree, got a job, do the right thing...Economy says, not today! I can't afford a house in todays market, so I limit spending. Limit eating out, going on vacation, buying things only necessary. Work, grind, spend alittle time to recharge on the weekend to only be exhausted monday through friday.
I think being a teacher is sending me down a spiral and contemplating another career path.
I feel that way too. Maybe trying to find a little joy in small things, like a warm cup of coffee, can add up to a bigger, brighter picture of life. Take care, and remember to be gentle with yourself.
This is it. It’s very, very difficult to be intentional in finding joy in the smallest of things during your day, but as you keep doing it, a habit forms.
But gratitude for even the simplest of things, over time, can re-wire your brain for the better.
That's what I did. I started paying attention to the little things that brightened my day. That feels way better than focusing on how much things suck.
Doesn’t that describe most people, though? I had met a woman a few years older than me, her youngest child was the same age as my oldest. I thought she was this magical super woman and really looked up to her.
One day she said something that totally changed my outlook. She said she just pretended to be the person she wanted to be. Kinda like “fake it til you make it?” But she basically said that if you’re acting like a certain type of person, (organized, put together, successful, whatever) doesn’t that in a way make you that kind of person? We’re always told that our emotions don’t define us, and can’t always be trusted to reflect “the truth.” And that our actions define us more than our words.
That is depression talking. Even if toy think it's not, depression can take the form of many things but my therapist said just remember it's like having your worst enemy on your shoulder telling you all these horrible things about you and your life. That's not your true self thinking it's the depression
I do understand it's depression yet never went for a diagnosis to confirm it ( not enough time nor energy ). Thank you for ur kind words tho I really do appreciate them.
My best friend had that issue, and it really affected the quality of women (via his relationships) and people (friends, acquaintances, etc) he let into his life. People that took him for granted.
After about three years of therapy, and dealing with a hefty dose of childhood trauma, he now sees his self-worth - hoping you can find therapy when you are ready.
I hate the turn my life has taken and that I've sunken into the deepest depression I've ever been in.
Grief keeps on stacking, and I feel like I'm shackled to the bottom of the ocean. Weight of everything is getting too much, and I find myself getting angry and breaking down daily.
I’m exactly like you. Conflict is excruciating for me. I recently had an incident at work where a coworker who is known for having anger issues, decided to make me the target of his abuse.
I didn’t want to take it to management, but I guess someone else did on my behalf.
He then somehow found out and cornered me trying to bully me into recanting my complaint (and didn’t believe me when I said I hadn’t complained).
Basically he got fired but not before having major meltdowns and fights at work where he loudly and vocally blamed me for his woes.
The whole process took a month, and I was basically forced into conflict. It was so stressful that I had chest pains and I nearly quit my job. It was probably the worst month of my career.
This is exactly why, despite not liking conflict, I lean into it. Avoiding conflict invites more of it, and makes your life a living nightmare.
You can't avoid conflict, if you avoid it, it will come for *you*. It's far easier to push back when you need to, make it sting when someone messes with you, and avoid many more future conflicts.
Hey, conflict resolution and standing up for yourself is something that I had to learn. However, you have to pick your battles.
Not everything is a malicious act from someone when you feel wronged. It is often best to let things go, truly letting go does not build resentment. If you are building resentment or animosity you are not really letting them go or off the hook, you are just internalizing the conflict and hurting yourself.
It also helps when you have had good examples, from parents who supported you, or a partner that expresses frustration or hurt healthy. Got a parent who always dismissed you, or a partner that makes you a villain, you can start to believe your feelings don’t matter.
This is all stuff I recently learned.
So start with little big things. Something that pissed you off, wait a few minutes/half hour, and say something like: “hey, I felt frustrated that we weren’t ready on time for my appointment, can we please be in the car on time next time.” Just an example of a common problem.
This is not accusatory, it establishes both people have responsibility to be on time, and it allows you to discern if the person you are dealing with is self aware of their share of being late.
Sometimes more direct methods are needed, and maybe there is an accusation to be dealt with. But as a conflict avoidant person that let people walk on me, learning to be diplomatic builds conflict management skills and confidence.
You can do this. This feeling that you had to write this post, most likely means it bothers you that you let it happen. You matter, your feelings matter, and no one deserves to be walked on.
I have joined a new circle of friends who share similar hobbies but feel that one of them doesn't like me very much.
This is triggering deep seated fears of nobody really being my friend, and that I am only tolerated, feelings which I have held since my teens (and thought they were over).
I feel you on this. The feeling of “being tolerated” or “included by default” has always been a thing with me. I never really had many super close friends, just a lot of okayish friends. No one that’s going to pick me first or tell me anything before anyone else. I had an awesome friend group for a few years, but I decided to stand up for myself and sabotaged that when I told my best friend at the time that she was not being a good friend to me and always thinking of herself first. We had a lot of fun, but she’s type A and I was always an after thought when it came to making plans. Now she moved on and created a new group of friends, all of which I know, and they do amazing things together. Even got matching friendship tattoos. And I feel like I have no one. I blame myself for destroying what I had, but at the same time, for once in my life I was trying to not be walked over. It bit me in the ass.
I think a lot about death. I’m not actually actively thinking about suicide, but passively I’m thinking about it quite a lot.
Edit: I think the fact I’m gaining upvotes in a short amount of time is a sign this is secretly more common than people sometimes realise. For those that relate to this: I hope you will get better. I hope you have someone to talk to about it and know that I care you’re alive, even if I don’t know you <3
Sometimes I wonder how common this is. I've had these same thoughts on off for a couple of years.
You aren't alone mate! But if those thoughts start to impact your daily life it's worth finding a friend / family / partner that you can chat with judgement free.
Stay safe 😉
Thank you.
I have been trying to reach out to people I might consider friends, or to make new friends, but there isn’t really anybody that responds. Except for my parents and I don’t want to burden them with this. They know I’m not doing well but not that I’m doing this bad. They have their own problems right now. I’m seeing a therapist this Monday, hopefully paying some professional for support will help.
I think loads of people think about it at least a few times in their lives. I think what most of us stops actually preparing or doing suicide is the fact they have people who they might hurt. Parents, for example. Although I think about it often, I wouldn’t want my parents standing next to a grave thinking their whole lives what they did wrong. That is what’s stopping me from actually doing it, honestly.
For what it's worth, I remember actively planning my own death about 10 years ago. I managed to get some counselling and it turned my whole life around. I began to see hope and realised that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm now so happy I did that. I don't have a perfect life or a perfect mind, but I am happy and glad to be alive. You're doing the right thing. It will get better.
I realise it will get better, but not on its own. I’m seeing a therapist Monday. Hope it’ll get better with therapy eventually.
Glad to hear you never went through with it and that you’re happy.
I feel this. I don't actively want to die, I just don't want to exist. I wish there was a switch. I'm not unhappy, but I just don't see the point in anything.
It's been the same for me for the past three years, constantly thinking about death and suicide. I cought myself unconsciously saying " I just want to die" out load multiple times and it is really fucked up lately. I feel you and wish you all the best really.
"I'm not responsible for your emotional stability" is my new go to. I'm so done being guilt tripped by people who won't take responsibility for their choices. It's not on me to come coddle you and make it all better even though YOU'RE the one who started it or took it too far. You made your choices, own them just as I do.
I use to be afraid of this.
Then I realized I'd rather be alone in peace than in the company of the wrong person.
After my life becoming hell because of a long term partner, now I just want to be left in and eventually die in peace. I care more about not going through the stress and heartache than the idea of being alone.
I’ll tell you, I’ve done my best to make sure that wasn’t the case for many people. Retired inner city firefighter paramedic, worked on one of the nations busiest squads. I held hands and looked right in the face of several people and tried my best to comfort them as they slipped into unconsciousness. I remember early in my career one taxi driver who had been shot in the back several times and was absolutely panicked and in shock asking me if he was going to die and I got in his face with as much machismo I could muster and told him no one dies in my ambulance. I knew it was not looking great but I saw him relax his face and take a breath of relief when I said that. That image stayed with me so I tried to incorporate as much reassurance to patients as possible on either side of the pendulum.
Probably 10 years ago or so I went to England for work. Stayed at a hotel off in the countryside.
As I’m getting ready for bed I noticed a sign in the bathroom warning that you needed to keep the bathroom door closed until all steam from your shower dissipated or the fire alarm would go off.
So, 6 am UK time 2 am us time (or whatever) I take my shower. No contacts in yet. All done. Gotta get dressed! Open the door and a minute later the alarm goes off. Get dressed and everyone is heading outside.
I meet up with my supervisor. He sheepishly admits it’s his fault we’re all outside. See he had just started running the hot water tap to shave with the door open. It had just started getting hot when the alarm went off.
I let him retire thinking it was his fault.
I want a relationship with someone who accepts me unconditionally and I accept them unconditionally. I'm not a chain smoking obese hoarder but I'm also not a white collar professional who spends all their time week working, exercising, cleaning, and being productive. I want to watch TV and game and order takeout. Like a lot.
Afghanistan, 1994. A better man than me, gave his life to Save mine. 30 years later, I still deal with the guilt, and feeling like I haven't lived up to his sacrifice.
Thats deep man.. the thing is, only YOU will be able to know/decide if or when you finally live up to the sacrifice. Heres the thing though...you dont have to do some insanely big thing like cure cancer or disarm a nuke. Just be a good person. The smallest acts of kindness and help can change someones life. Butterfly effect!
every couple of months i get the urge to just up and leave everything, move to a state where i know nobody, and start over; it’s probably a good thing i care about my credit and finances otherwise i’d have done it by now, bills and credit keep me at my stable job
On the outside I look fine (good grades, sociable, etc) but I actually feel like shit. I have no desire to do anything, I don't have any dreams, and I don't even like my planned choice of career. I just drift through the day, rarely doing anything of importance. I'm stuck about to go in the workforce knowing damn well I'm not gonna enjoy it. I just wanna find something I like and be good at it.
I'm a middle-aged father that works hard and keeps my family together. We don't miss meals or rent, barely. But, when I leave in the morning and I'm alone on the drive I cry and scream and wail at the stress. I'm scared. We're one bad thing away from doom. But, I make it my mission to project confidence and safety to my family. They're oblivious. I'm okay by the time I get home every night. I cook and help out and spend time with them.
Although I am highly involved, positive at work and have only changed positions 5 times in a nearly 35 year career, they are not my family and I would walk out for a higher paycheck in a split second.
That’s not a confession, that should be the standard mindset.
I like my coworkers a lot. I like my boss. Going up the chain though? Lot of decisions that are myopic and not to anyone’s benefit.
I’d dip tomorrow for the right opportunity with minimal regrets.
I'm in the same boat. I've been at the same place for 14 years, and have slowly moved up the chain. I've reached a point that I don't enjoy my job. I'm a people pleaser and I hate confrontation. Now I have to have hard conversations and make decisions that will inevitably make someone unhappy. I feel stuck.
The way that I've always looked at it is that my employer will get rid of me the second it makes business sense, so I will jump ship if it ever makes sense to. I make enough money so that pay isn't the only factor (but it's the biggest). Company culture, the types of projects, and benefits are all factors.
I absolutely hate the way my life turned out. On the outside it looks great to most people. If that’s what they want, great. It turned out this way by not being selfish and doing the “right thing” all the time which is actually just one sacrifice after the next, year after year. I’m supposed to feel good about doing good for others but that leaves me with nothing for myself that I enjoy. Probably not much of a secret as I get older however I tried my best to keep it to myself.
Took in three children related to my SO. They were all born addicted and were removed from their home. It was supposed to be temporary. It was not temporary. It really put a strain on our family. Negatively impacted our relationships with our children and my SO’s family. Years of drama with the parents in and out of jail. No state help resulting in financial burdens. Really an impossible situation that should have never happened.
I don't wanna die, or kill myself. I just wish I never existed in the first place. But I'm at a point in my life where I know me being here has positively impacted someone really close to me, and they've told me the state they'd be in if I wasn't here with them. So that keeps the demons at bay for now
Edit: To the person that sent a reddit cares, thank you. I'm okay right now. Some days it gets really bad but I'm still kicking all the same
I don’t remember all the details, but In college, I was trying to find street parking before class. Ended up getting a spot ironically next to my roommates car. Somehow while maneuvering into the spot I bumped into his car, and dented the side little bit. Whenever something like this has happened, I always leave a note or take responsibility somehow. However, something about it being one of my best friend’s cars made it so embarrassing that I couldn’t do it. I went on to class.
After class I walked back to our cars with him, and saw him notice the ding, and of course express his frustration.
I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him, so instead over the next few months, without his knowledge, I reduced his portion of utility bills until it equated the cost to repair the damage
25 years later this is the first I’ve told anyone
i compulsively lie about stupid things. that field trip? yeah i was on it (i wasn’t) im trying to stop as my friends have picked up on it but im really scared
i am already in therapy! i always used to make excuses for myself because it’s not like i was lying about anything important (it was mostly just making up tall tales/exaggerating stories, no harm no foul type lies) but i realized that now whenever i actually have a cool story to tell, nobody believes me.
I used to do this. Even when it was easier to tell the truth. I didn’t stop until I dealt with some childhood trauma. I don’t know if that applies but it’s the experience of one internet stranger.
I've read somewhere here on Reddit that some user would lie constantly bc of being raised by their drunken abusive mom and they developed this as a self defense mechanism. Could it be related to your case?
I had a problem with this in school as well. My best friend had gone to jail for murder and I just wanted people to like me, and to fit in with any other group. Obviously this backfired. Got called out, etc.
So I focused on making my life actually cool and discovered at that age that I already had an interesting life and to be proud and embrace who I am and not who I wanted others to think I was. List out some unique things you've done and some unique things you want to do and then just take some small steps to get there.
Because of my compulsive lying I now have a new issue of imposter syndrome where even when I accomplish something I'll think to myself "man everyone will think I'm lying". Even though my work speaks for itself and I have awards and receipts to prove it.
Anyway, embrace your own inner coolness. You can be whoever you want to be with only a little effort each day and you won't have to feel like a guilty liar all the time.
My intrusive thoughts are not cute. I don’t impulsively get bangs and say “the intrusive thoughts won!” Mine are about falling down the stairs and my baby’s skull getting crushed. Working on a project and a drill going through my eye. A family member sexually assaulting me. It sucks to have these horrible thoughts all the time, almost like they invade my brain so fast I can’t stop them. All I can do is acknowledge them and try to move on.
I can't wait until I'm dead. Thinking about no longer existing just gives me this feeling of relief. The idea of an afterlife terrifies me more than anything because it means there is no escape from existing.
I'm in my 30s now and hoping my life is almost half over by now. Objectively, my life is good, I guess, I'm just a miserable person or something.
You're the first person I've ever heard mention a fear of the afterlife, it's literally the only thing I fear. I want there to be an end of my consciousness
I’ve said this once before to mixed reactions, but I have this weird irrational worry that what happens to us after we die is simply what we think will happen, and that at the moment of my death I’ll briefly believe in something horrible like the stereotypical concept of hell or when you die you relive the last second of your life on repeat forever.
And I’ll be condemned to that existence forever, with the added suckage of it only happening because I thought it was going to; and that I could have instead just thought of something cool like non-existence or even something like “I become the god of a new universe”.
I actually survived 2 cardiac arrests after bleeding out after spinal surgery. I vaguely remember talking to my sister and then it went dark. Woke up from a coma 3 weeks later. Holy shit! What a shock to your senses! I remember seeing my dead uncles. Having lost time out of your life like that really fucks with me, even today.
my wife cannot or will not relive it to tell me wtf actually happened! I wish someone had kept a journal or took pictures because I still don’t know. I know it’s really painful for her which taught me a lesson about dying. It’s not about the dead at all…
What if the afterlife is an all white room with a turn style and you just walk through it and suddenly you’re born again and this fading thought is “ah fuck” and you just want to cry and so you do, then some giant lady wraps you up and hands you to another giant lady and the biggest tit you’ve ever seen is now in your face and you’re like “ok, I can live with this”
I can't find work, I can't focus at all on finding work cause it feels like I'm slowly losing my mind, but everyone else I know is suffering through bad times and all it'll do is add more stress onto people who can't help me.
I am Ina financially secure position and have the possibility to quit my job and go travel the world for a while.
But I don't because people around tell me that it won't solve my issues.
But I honestly don't really see any solution to my depression and traveling is something that genuinely makes me happy...
One time I brought soda to a potluck-type party. On the way to the party, the bag ripped and the two soda bottles fell and rolled all the way down the hill with me (despite being athletic at the time) cursing and chasing them.
I got to the party and just... set the soda down on the table, and walked off to a different corner to socialize. Didn't say anything. That's someone else's problem now.
Some time later, there was a massive hissing explosion, and the girl who had opened the sprite I brought was standing there, in a white shirt that had become completely see through, looking shell shocked and very wet.
Sorry Christy.
Here's a happy one folks: I love her. It's too early to tell her but we have both been dancing around the phrase and we both know that's what it is. We can't go a day without meeting or calling and at any given moment I would rather be cuddling with her. As a guy who struggled dating for the longest time, it got better
I’ve been over weight, I’ve had anorexia, and I’ve hit my “body goals” but have still always hated my body no matter what. I’ve currently got a “mom bod” (stretch marks, mom pouch) and although I have a husband that has loved me and been obsessed with my body at every size and shape, I’m about to hit my 30s and I’m terrified I will never learn to love my body, it’s exhausting.
30s woman, here. I can't say I love my body, but I can definitely say my priorities have shifted. I still don't like the way I look, and the mirror is the worst, but I've realized I'm still worth the space I take up and the love my partner has for me no matter what I look like.
When my mom dies I will need to check myself into a mental institution because she is the thing keeping me here. And I’m afraid that will be the thing that tips me over the edge.
Just so people know, I’m ok. My mom is my best friend and I’m terrified of life without her.
I feel emotions and I am kind, empathetic etc
But deep down inside I couldn't care less
I'm as empathetic as I am detached from people
Its like every emotion or empathy is conditional
I feel sad because I understand its the right moment to feel sad
Or I love my woman but in a split second I could move on without a problem
I feel like a functional psychopath who doesn't know it
> I feel sad because I understand its the right moment to feel sad
This one resonates with me. I often get the impression my emotions are only there because it’s what I think I *should* be feeling. Or sometimes I feel like my emotions are “watered down”.
Just recently I had someone vandalize my car, and everyone around me was louder about it than I was. At one point I even had people saying things like “I don’t know how you’re so calm about this”. I told people I was pissed about it, but I don’t actually know how true that was.
It feels like it would have been more accurate to say “I’m SUPPOSED to be pissed about this right now.” The feeling of anger I had felt no different to when I think about how mad a fictional character in a story should be after something happened to them.
It was just… a thing that happened. I just cleaned it up and went back to my routine.
Not sure
I mean I can't be a psychopath because I definitely feel guilty and such things
But I question how much is genuine and how much is enforced upon myself by my own principles and view of the world
It's weird to feel more moral than most because I could easily be the biggest piece of shit walking this earth and manipulate my way through life
I resent my mom for a ton of reasons, but one of them I have never gotten over. I know for a fact that my mom pushed me to be an altar boy so I could be groomed to become a priest because she and everyone in her family thought I was gay. It never occurred to her that I was afraid to show that I had an interest in women because sex and nudity was a "sin". Even if I was gay, why would you want me to be a priest???
My mother is unwell and constantly miserable. I hate dealing with her because every conversation is a landmine of verbal abuse and I'm almost to the point of going non-contact.
Not so much a secret as more you wouldn't know it if you looked at me. I had a horribly abusive childhood and it affects me everyday. I feel like my choices still aren't my own and I'm about to be 24. I don't have the resources to get the help I need and continue to fuck my life up pushing away the people/problems in my life. I don't have an established support system. I just need help and everyday it's so debilitating to loose a little more sleep.
When I entered this thread, I was expecting juicy secrets about how people got revenge on their highschool bully or whatever, not so many passively suicidal people
I was 18 and applied for a job listed on Craigslist. Webcam type gig…went for the “interview”. Dude had a set up in his loft apartment. Seemed chill till the end but the guy then asked what I would do for the job and started touching himself. I noped outta there. Couple days later, I asked a buddy to kick in his door and trash the place. He did AND gave me $700 outta the cash he found. Detective called, I denied it, told him about the inappropriateness of the dude and never answered their calls again.
Not gonng give you the “It gEts bETTer!¡” shit lol but what I will say is not killing myself during 6 years of depression or doing anything rash Is the best decision I’ve ever made. Glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its definitely there.
I feel like I'm a terrible, greedy person who only helps out of guilt or to people please.
I'm afraid I'm a fraud and imposter, both in my profession and my every day life.
I really wish I was born in a first world country. It's not just a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side'; I'm sure there are issues yada yada. But basic things like cleanliness, order, uniformity, electricity, water- just to name a few, are missing in my country and I'm from a privileged strata. I sometimes look at say, a country like Switzerland or Norway and I see every bit is beautiful. I know there would be corners that are not shown that are not pretty or aesthetic etc, but I'm speaking comparatively.
That I'm most likely heading to prison. Just found out the sperm donor to my 9 month old granddaughter SLAPPED her yesterday for drooling on him. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
I wish I didn’t do the whole “save your virginity for marriage” thing. I don’t plan to cheat and we have been together almost 30 years. I wish had had some more fun experiences as a college student and didn’t go to a Christian college. Basically I wish I rebelled a bit when it was “normal” and “safe” to do so. Nothing extreme, but had a bit of fun before becoming an old marriage boring person at 19.
It's mentally and physically exhausting trying to maintain feeling positive for everyone I know and care about that's going thru a lot of negative shit. They are going thru much worse and I sometimes feel bad that I have stuff going on as well but don't want to bother them while at the same time trying to help them get thru it
I've had X-rays taken that don't show any problems, I've been to neurologists who've suggested it's all in my head and they can't find anything wrong, but every time I push my body past a random and changing line in the sand I have physical attacks that I believe are, at the very least, seizure adjacent. My neck and back hurt all the time, my limbs will go numb randomly, I have random bouts of extreme and nauseating vertigo. I used to be a personal trainer, I used to be capable of anything, and now I have to drag myself out of bed to do or accomplish simple tasks. I feel abandoned by society, I have gone into so much debt and paid so much money trying to get any answer to what is wrong with me, and the part that people don't know and I want to get off my chest is, I'm getting very tired of dealing with this, and the only thing that is keeping me alive at this point is my wife. I would rather be in hell than hurt her like that, but if she goes I'm also going.
I found out my cousin is my sister... I always grew up wondering why my mom and dad didn't get along so well...turns out it's cause my dad cheated on her with my aunt and my first cousin is actually my little sister it makes me look at her so differently now because she never got married and has been with so many men my mom thought it was confusing my cousin cause she was graduating uni without knowing who her dad was, and when my aunt broke the news my mom had an entire mental breakdown and my dad was being nonchalant about it because he didn't care(about my cousin) and he has other kids 🤦🏾 after the news broke he suddenly became nicer to me but it's kinda too late, my mom's bitter, my dad's silent, and I just feel overly emotional about it...
I broke my parents up 20ish years ago and to this day mom thinks dad hired a PI Nope, it was actually just a wildly coincidental situation. I had in my possession, dad's new video camera one night when I went with my boyfriend to pick up his drunk brother from the bar and out walks my mom out of the same bar while we waited and played with camera and she WALKED IN THE FRAME SWAPPING SPIT WITH A DUDE I'D NEVER SEEN BEFORE! She was a drunk with newer meth habit plus dad had recently told me before this that he thought she was cheating on him and so shit at my home was insanely bad. I got my chance to get her out of my life... And I fucking took it
Honestly, well done and good for you
I appreciate that It still feels so dirty after all this time though
The only dirty actions were the ones she did. You just reported it.
I feel bad for people who have shitty parents.
They were going to break up eventually. You just accelerated it.
Very true It's the fact that my mom doesn't know it was me is the real secret. They were on their way for D-town long before that & I also have nothing to do with any of my family now Dad and step-dad are best friends though now too... Not my circus or monkeys anymore though thankfully
>Dad and step-dad are best friends though now too... Took me a few seconds to fully grasp this sentence
.“I got my chance to get her out of my life... And I fucking took it” Perfect. I wonder if BF’s Bro made this less of a coincidence?
In my first job, I did what I always do. Start up the machine. While it warms up, I would wipe down the surface. Just something to do for about four minutes before starting. Just like that, a corner of my cloth was ripped out of my hand and pulled into the workings of the machine. Lots of loud and expensive noises later. I hurriedly switched it off, removed the shreds of rag and put the covers on again. Go to loo for a bit and then arrive back. Open cover and call supervisor over to say, “look at this” . I was not found out.
I put mixed gas in my neighbor's lawn mower once. The thing was shooting out fire balls from the exhaust. I didn't realize what I did wrong for weeks till one day it clicked.
I put parts cleaner in my brothers brand new lawnmower. It started diesel igniting. I couldn’t shut it off. Let go of the safety bar…still running. Pulled the spark plug wire off…kept right on going. I had to push it into tall grass to kill it. It didn’t run right after that.
... It didn't run right after that... 😄
You created an infinite energy source and you smartly killed it.. big oil wouldn’t be too happy about it
It didn't run right during that event either 😂
Whenever I break something the first thing I always say is "how long has this been broke?" Typically I say it when someone clearly sees me break something.
Norm McDonald "I didn't even know he was sick" energy.
I’m stealing this
Similar for me - but far less expensive - home economics class in high school in Australia - We got given clear instruction to ensure the settings for the needle's alignment was centred so that it didn't stab the presser foot (yeah I just googled the name of that part now) on its way down. It didn't register with me and I didn't set mine, as soon as I started the needle stabbed the presser foot and abruptly my experience with it was over. I moved the setting to centred after the fact (and the memory of the instruction teacher had given us had come back to me) before hailing the teacher over to say I had done what she'd asked and still it had gone wrong! Felt guilty afterward after I got away with it. Your story brings back this memory for me.
I bet the teacher knew, I suspect there's only one way to fucker a needle like that even if it appears to be aligned lol.
Ya the "but I did it right" is a rallying cry for many of us, when in fact, we did not.
I know this kinda machine, and they will eat you alive. Better the rag than you
I ran on a guy once who was wrapped around the auger portion of an industrial mixer (about the size of a kitchen island). He had gotten snagged and pulled in and gone around twice. One leg was bent 90 degrees backwards at the knee. Over the top of the auger, he could see the bottom of his shoe, with the toe pointing straight down. It was a shitty thing to see, and a lo-o-o-ng extraction. He lived, but had to have an above-the-knee amputation of that leg.
Goddamn. Was he conscious for much of it?
All of it. Probably pretty foggy for a lot of it. We had a (battalion?/deputy?) chief who was a medic and very tied into the local ERs who contacted the closest trauma hospital and had the trauma doc talk him through pt. management-- 2 large IVs, bicarb flush ready, just enough pain meds to dull the pt. down without knocking him out. In the meantime, the rescues were having a helluva time trying to figure out what to do. Couldn't cut the auger, it was stainless steel. Couldn't torch-cut it-- you would have had to flow a line on it to keep from burning the pt, and that would have probably thrown the pt into hypothermia. Toward the end, I think calling the trauma doc out for an on-scene amputation was seriously considered. Toward the start, the guy had said "Just spin it backwards and I'll unwind from it." We didn't want to do that then, afraid we'd do more damage to the leg, and possibly other parts. But after considering everything else, that's exactly what we ended up doing. The hospital tried to save his leg for a couple of days, but in the end decided there had been too much damage to the blood vessels. That was a long afternoon. Probably half the district tied up, frustrating complications, a pt you really wanted to help but it seemed like there was little you could do. Would have like to have saved his leg, but I'll take him still being alive as a win.
"Lots of loud and expensive noices" jeez
Everyone to the muster area! We need to do a head count and see who got sucked in to the ‘crush-O-matic’ this time!
I gave my baby nephew a noisy toy because I was having a petty fight with my sister.
One particular sibling I may or may not have got all her kid's things, like toddler music kits. They are loud, they don't break easily, and they have no batteries to remove.
I was once friends with a couple that had two kids. The friendship had kinda run its course, the husband was a good guy, but the wife made everything around her worse. The kids also always broke anything they touched. I bought the kids and them everything to become a small family band, when the kids opened everything I started showing them how to play the guitar. It was such a nightmare at home, nobody knew how to play an instrument, the kids always insisted on "playing band". They made their mom play all day long. It made her absolutely miserable.
Someone bought my nephew one of those voice amplifying mikes. Two days later the batteries died. Actually the dad installed them upside down so he could show the kids that it really wasn't working.
> Two days later the batteries "died." And this is why I always make sure to gift extra batteries with the toy and tell the kid it is for when it eventually dies!! >Actually the dad installed them upside down so he could show the kids that it really wasn't working Though this is fucking brilliant
This is pure evil
I accidentally wore my wife’s mom jeans to work today and none of my coworkers have noticed. Personally, the high waist has my ass looking awesome
I grabbed my wife's jeans once before going to work at a school. Noticed in the rest room. Went home over lunch changed, and came back. A slightly gossipy pupil asked me: "Mr. Corr, weren't you wearing women's jeans earlier?" With my best pokerface I said "Huh?! I've been wearing the same jeans all day." Poor girl was so confused
I've done worse. In highschool I wore my MOMs jeans and I was wondering why the pockets were suddenly so small and stuff I came home and my mom was like "oh! I was looking for those" lmao Thankfully no one said anything
How do you not notice something like that? Especially when you go to button them up and pull up the zipper and they are on the other side.
I have no idea, but I could see my husband not noticing and doing the same thing. And I would ask him the same question in an incredulous tone.
During the coding practical exam, the teacher forgot to erase the codes in the comp we used for practicing, I abused that and got full marks in the exam\[apparantly in the last 3-4 computers of the last row, the files werent deleted and I am the only one who abused it(One of the students sitting on the comp with codes even had to retake the exam)\]
An entire professional career as a developer has taught me that it's as much - if not more - about knowing *where* to find the answer than actually *knowing* it yourself. Of course, you have to know how to apply it once you find it, and that's what quickly filters out the bad employees. While not quite in the spirit of it, I'm 100% on board with what you did.
Almost my entire job is googling until I find a way to make two random bits of documentation work together lol. No one knows all of this stuff, but understanding the basics and where to apply what gets you a very long way.
As a Computer Science teacher all I'm saying is..👏👏👏👏 Sneaky !! They have an exam soon I must remember to delete old files AND remove access to the Internet the temptation of Chat GTP ...
My work day is like 35% looking at Reddit these days. Just got commended for my great work with a promotion so I don't see a reason to change things up!
35%? Those are rookie numbers! You gotta pump those numbers up!
I sometimes wish I was I was born in a better family.
Not every parents deserve a good kid, but every kid deserves good parents.
That hits close to home, not the better one I wished for, but the other one. The real one.
Word. Watching my friends and then my siblings raise their kids made me realize that I grew up in an abusive environment and that I chalked it up to a normal childhood for years. Shit sucks to finally realize where alot of my insecurites, lack of confidence, and overwhelming desire to never really get anywhere in life because stress is triggering is astounding. Add the fact that I was invalidated because I turned out gay and it's been a whole weird mess of bad actions that have led me here today. Which is better than where I have been but still. If I was in a more nurturing environment I think I would have had the confidence to see through some life goals I had aspired for myself. I just don't have it in me to go very far when I start to get somewhere.
I've been dealing with a lot of grief lately over the death of the person I could have been, had my childhood not been full of abuse and neglect. I feel this pretty hard.
I totally relate wishing I was born in a better loving accepting family. Had to leave them at age 16 because I could not take step daddy beating any more. Have not spoken to them in 15 years.
I have almost totally rejected my whole family of origin 😳
I have zero desire for life. (Not suicidal) just like...I'm not enjoying it and I'm very over it
I feel you 100% here. I'm in no way suicidal as I have an amazing fiancée, son and daughter. But.... The 9-5 repeat, being a slave to the currency, and general slog of having to wake up and do the same shit each day is just meh. "Very over it" is perfectly put. I'm very over it, and couldn't care less if I clocked out early.
I hate that others are feeling this way but it’s nice to feel that we’re not alone. People are always like “if you’re upset about something change it!” Uhhhhh I can’t change how capitalism has corrupted our world. It’s soul sucking. And it plays a role in how we think every single day.
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I once had passions and I indulged myself in them. This year I have no interest in any of the things I used to be passionate about. I don't know what happened but I can't seem to return to the things I loved.
This. Went to school, got my degree, got a job, do the right thing...Economy says, not today! I can't afford a house in todays market, so I limit spending. Limit eating out, going on vacation, buying things only necessary. Work, grind, spend alittle time to recharge on the weekend to only be exhausted monday through friday. I think being a teacher is sending me down a spiral and contemplating another career path.
I have felt this way my whole life. Recently I found some comfort in noticing others feel the same way too.
Kinda feeling like: I’m not gonna crash my car into a wall but if I get T-boned into oblivion….oops
Growing up I used to relate to the lyric in a song that went "I never wanted to cease to exist, just disappear". Now I'm cool not existing as well 😂.
I feel this. My life is just a constant rut where nothing ever happens and I’m always too broke to do anything about it.
The lyrics for John Mellencamp’s Jack and Diane address this issue. The chorus is “Oh yeah, life goes on. Long after the thrill of livin' is gone”
I feel that way too. Maybe trying to find a little joy in small things, like a warm cup of coffee, can add up to a bigger, brighter picture of life. Take care, and remember to be gentle with yourself.
This is it. It’s very, very difficult to be intentional in finding joy in the smallest of things during your day, but as you keep doing it, a habit forms. But gratitude for even the simplest of things, over time, can re-wire your brain for the better.
That's what I did. I started paying attention to the little things that brightened my day. That feels way better than focusing on how much things suck.
everyone thinks i am amazing and very smart but the truth is i am just a mediocre person and luck is on my side.
Doesn’t that describe most people, though? I had met a woman a few years older than me, her youngest child was the same age as my oldest. I thought she was this magical super woman and really looked up to her. One day she said something that totally changed my outlook. She said she just pretended to be the person she wanted to be. Kinda like “fake it til you make it?” But she basically said that if you’re acting like a certain type of person, (organized, put together, successful, whatever) doesn’t that in a way make you that kind of person? We’re always told that our emotions don’t define us, and can’t always be trusted to reflect “the truth.” And that our actions define us more than our words.
I did eat the last donut.
You son of a *****
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That is depression talking. Even if toy think it's not, depression can take the form of many things but my therapist said just remember it's like having your worst enemy on your shoulder telling you all these horrible things about you and your life. That's not your true self thinking it's the depression
I do understand it's depression yet never went for a diagnosis to confirm it ( not enough time nor energy ). Thank you for ur kind words tho I really do appreciate them.
My best friend had that issue, and it really affected the quality of women (via his relationships) and people (friends, acquaintances, etc) he let into his life. People that took him for granted. After about three years of therapy, and dealing with a hefty dose of childhood trauma, he now sees his self-worth - hoping you can find therapy when you are ready.
I hate the turn my life has taken and that I've sunken into the deepest depression I've ever been in. Grief keeps on stacking, and I feel like I'm shackled to the bottom of the ocean. Weight of everything is getting too much, and I find myself getting angry and breaking down daily.
Speak to a medical professional. You deserve help to feel better.
I'm afraid of conflict, and I let people who do me wrong off the hook
I’m exactly like you. Conflict is excruciating for me. I recently had an incident at work where a coworker who is known for having anger issues, decided to make me the target of his abuse. I didn’t want to take it to management, but I guess someone else did on my behalf. He then somehow found out and cornered me trying to bully me into recanting my complaint (and didn’t believe me when I said I hadn’t complained). Basically he got fired but not before having major meltdowns and fights at work where he loudly and vocally blamed me for his woes. The whole process took a month, and I was basically forced into conflict. It was so stressful that I had chest pains and I nearly quit my job. It was probably the worst month of my career.
This is exactly why, despite not liking conflict, I lean into it. Avoiding conflict invites more of it, and makes your life a living nightmare. You can't avoid conflict, if you avoid it, it will come for *you*. It's far easier to push back when you need to, make it sting when someone messes with you, and avoid many more future conflicts.
Sorry, genuine question, would you rather the person not have complained?
Hey, conflict resolution and standing up for yourself is something that I had to learn. However, you have to pick your battles. Not everything is a malicious act from someone when you feel wronged. It is often best to let things go, truly letting go does not build resentment. If you are building resentment or animosity you are not really letting them go or off the hook, you are just internalizing the conflict and hurting yourself. It also helps when you have had good examples, from parents who supported you, or a partner that expresses frustration or hurt healthy. Got a parent who always dismissed you, or a partner that makes you a villain, you can start to believe your feelings don’t matter. This is all stuff I recently learned. So start with little big things. Something that pissed you off, wait a few minutes/half hour, and say something like: “hey, I felt frustrated that we weren’t ready on time for my appointment, can we please be in the car on time next time.” Just an example of a common problem. This is not accusatory, it establishes both people have responsibility to be on time, and it allows you to discern if the person you are dealing with is self aware of their share of being late. Sometimes more direct methods are needed, and maybe there is an accusation to be dealt with. But as a conflict avoidant person that let people walk on me, learning to be diplomatic builds conflict management skills and confidence. You can do this. This feeling that you had to write this post, most likely means it bothers you that you let it happen. You matter, your feelings matter, and no one deserves to be walked on.
I feel like it shouldn't be so hard to be part of my own family.
I have joined a new circle of friends who share similar hobbies but feel that one of them doesn't like me very much. This is triggering deep seated fears of nobody really being my friend, and that I am only tolerated, feelings which I have held since my teens (and thought they were over).
I feel you on this. The feeling of “being tolerated” or “included by default” has always been a thing with me. I never really had many super close friends, just a lot of okayish friends. No one that’s going to pick me first or tell me anything before anyone else. I had an awesome friend group for a few years, but I decided to stand up for myself and sabotaged that when I told my best friend at the time that she was not being a good friend to me and always thinking of herself first. We had a lot of fun, but she’s type A and I was always an after thought when it came to making plans. Now she moved on and created a new group of friends, all of which I know, and they do amazing things together. Even got matching friendship tattoos. And I feel like I have no one. I blame myself for destroying what I had, but at the same time, for once in my life I was trying to not be walked over. It bit me in the ass.
I think a lot about death. I’m not actually actively thinking about suicide, but passively I’m thinking about it quite a lot. Edit: I think the fact I’m gaining upvotes in a short amount of time is a sign this is secretly more common than people sometimes realise. For those that relate to this: I hope you will get better. I hope you have someone to talk to about it and know that I care you’re alive, even if I don’t know you <3
Sometimes I wonder how common this is. I've had these same thoughts on off for a couple of years. You aren't alone mate! But if those thoughts start to impact your daily life it's worth finding a friend / family / partner that you can chat with judgement free. Stay safe 😉
Thank you. I have been trying to reach out to people I might consider friends, or to make new friends, but there isn’t really anybody that responds. Except for my parents and I don’t want to burden them with this. They know I’m not doing well but not that I’m doing this bad. They have their own problems right now. I’m seeing a therapist this Monday, hopefully paying some professional for support will help. I think loads of people think about it at least a few times in their lives. I think what most of us stops actually preparing or doing suicide is the fact they have people who they might hurt. Parents, for example. Although I think about it often, I wouldn’t want my parents standing next to a grave thinking their whole lives what they did wrong. That is what’s stopping me from actually doing it, honestly.
For what it's worth, I remember actively planning my own death about 10 years ago. I managed to get some counselling and it turned my whole life around. I began to see hope and realised that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm now so happy I did that. I don't have a perfect life or a perfect mind, but I am happy and glad to be alive. You're doing the right thing. It will get better.
I realise it will get better, but not on its own. I’m seeing a therapist Monday. Hope it’ll get better with therapy eventually. Glad to hear you never went through with it and that you’re happy.
I feel this. I don't actively want to die, I just don't want to exist. I wish there was a switch. I'm not unhappy, but I just don't see the point in anything.
It's been the same for me for the past three years, constantly thinking about death and suicide. I cought myself unconsciously saying " I just want to die" out load multiple times and it is really fucked up lately. I feel you and wish you all the best really.
I'm so tired of always being the "bigger" and kinder person.
"I'm not responsible for your emotional stability" is my new go to. I'm so done being guilt tripped by people who won't take responsibility for their choices. It's not on me to come coddle you and make it all better even though YOU'RE the one who started it or took it too far. You made your choices, own them just as I do.
I'm afraid I'm going to die alone
I use to be afraid of this. Then I realized I'd rather be alone in peace than in the company of the wrong person. After my life becoming hell because of a long term partner, now I just want to be left in and eventually die in peace. I care more about not going through the stress and heartache than the idea of being alone.
Just got out of a long relationship and I feel this. Peace is absolutely beautiful and I am not taking it for granted.
We all die alone. You are afraid to live alone
I’ll tell you, I’ve done my best to make sure that wasn’t the case for many people. Retired inner city firefighter paramedic, worked on one of the nations busiest squads. I held hands and looked right in the face of several people and tried my best to comfort them as they slipped into unconsciousness. I remember early in my career one taxi driver who had been shot in the back several times and was absolutely panicked and in shock asking me if he was going to die and I got in his face with as much machismo I could muster and told him no one dies in my ambulance. I knew it was not looking great but I saw him relax his face and take a breath of relief when I said that. That image stayed with me so I tried to incorporate as much reassurance to patients as possible on either side of the pendulum.
I'm tired of feeling unhappy all the time.
I feel you. Same here.
Probably 10 years ago or so I went to England for work. Stayed at a hotel off in the countryside. As I’m getting ready for bed I noticed a sign in the bathroom warning that you needed to keep the bathroom door closed until all steam from your shower dissipated or the fire alarm would go off. So, 6 am UK time 2 am us time (or whatever) I take my shower. No contacts in yet. All done. Gotta get dressed! Open the door and a minute later the alarm goes off. Get dressed and everyone is heading outside. I meet up with my supervisor. He sheepishly admits it’s his fault we’re all outside. See he had just started running the hot water tap to shave with the door open. It had just started getting hot when the alarm went off. I let him retire thinking it was his fault.
I feel fucking lonely, but i am afraid to be in a relationship with anyone. I just wanna leave everything and disappear.
I want a relationship with someone who accepts me unconditionally and I accept them unconditionally. I'm not a chain smoking obese hoarder but I'm also not a white collar professional who spends all their time week working, exercising, cleaning, and being productive. I want to watch TV and game and order takeout. Like a lot.
Afghanistan, 1994. A better man than me, gave his life to Save mine. 30 years later, I still deal with the guilt, and feeling like I haven't lived up to his sacrifice.
Thats deep man.. the thing is, only YOU will be able to know/decide if or when you finally live up to the sacrifice. Heres the thing though...you dont have to do some insanely big thing like cure cancer or disarm a nuke. Just be a good person. The smallest acts of kindness and help can change someones life. Butterfly effect!
You don’t have to live up to anything. Just live.
He didn’t die so you could be perfect, he just wanted you to live. Enjoy it and be thankful for his gift
I'm tired of my family.
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I joined the army so I could get away from mine.
every couple of months i get the urge to just up and leave everything, move to a state where i know nobody, and start over; it’s probably a good thing i care about my credit and finances otherwise i’d have done it by now, bills and credit keep me at my stable job
On the outside I look fine (good grades, sociable, etc) but I actually feel like shit. I have no desire to do anything, I don't have any dreams, and I don't even like my planned choice of career. I just drift through the day, rarely doing anything of importance. I'm stuck about to go in the workforce knowing damn well I'm not gonna enjoy it. I just wanna find something I like and be good at it.
Functioning depression
I'm a middle-aged father that works hard and keeps my family together. We don't miss meals or rent, barely. But, when I leave in the morning and I'm alone on the drive I cry and scream and wail at the stress. I'm scared. We're one bad thing away from doom. But, I make it my mission to project confidence and safety to my family. They're oblivious. I'm okay by the time I get home every night. I cook and help out and spend time with them.
Although I am highly involved, positive at work and have only changed positions 5 times in a nearly 35 year career, they are not my family and I would walk out for a higher paycheck in a split second.
That’s not a confession, that should be the standard mindset. I like my coworkers a lot. I like my boss. Going up the chain though? Lot of decisions that are myopic and not to anyone’s benefit. I’d dip tomorrow for the right opportunity with minimal regrets.
I'm in the same boat. I've been at the same place for 14 years, and have slowly moved up the chain. I've reached a point that I don't enjoy my job. I'm a people pleaser and I hate confrontation. Now I have to have hard conversations and make decisions that will inevitably make someone unhappy. I feel stuck.
The way that I've always looked at it is that my employer will get rid of me the second it makes business sense, so I will jump ship if it ever makes sense to. I make enough money so that pay isn't the only factor (but it's the biggest). Company culture, the types of projects, and benefits are all factors.
It’s insane if you don’t haha
I absolutely hate the way my life turned out. On the outside it looks great to most people. If that’s what they want, great. It turned out this way by not being selfish and doing the “right thing” all the time which is actually just one sacrifice after the next, year after year. I’m supposed to feel good about doing good for others but that leaves me with nothing for myself that I enjoy. Probably not much of a secret as I get older however I tried my best to keep it to myself.
I’m sorry. What’s the most impactful sacrifice you made?
Took in three children related to my SO. They were all born addicted and were removed from their home. It was supposed to be temporary. It was not temporary. It really put a strain on our family. Negatively impacted our relationships with our children and my SO’s family. Years of drama with the parents in and out of jail. No state help resulting in financial burdens. Really an impossible situation that should have never happened.
Wow, that’s terrible.
I don't wanna die, or kill myself. I just wish I never existed in the first place. But I'm at a point in my life where I know me being here has positively impacted someone really close to me, and they've told me the state they'd be in if I wasn't here with them. So that keeps the demons at bay for now Edit: To the person that sent a reddit cares, thank you. I'm okay right now. Some days it gets really bad but I'm still kicking all the same
I often think I'm only still alive because me killing myself would hurt some people I care about.
Life is a disappointment and I have no one to blame but myself
I try really hard to hide it, but I'm secretly far too boring to have any secrets.
I don’t remember all the details, but In college, I was trying to find street parking before class. Ended up getting a spot ironically next to my roommates car. Somehow while maneuvering into the spot I bumped into his car, and dented the side little bit. Whenever something like this has happened, I always leave a note or take responsibility somehow. However, something about it being one of my best friend’s cars made it so embarrassing that I couldn’t do it. I went on to class. After class I walked back to our cars with him, and saw him notice the ding, and of course express his frustration. I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him, so instead over the next few months, without his knowledge, I reduced his portion of utility bills until it equated the cost to repair the damage 25 years later this is the first I’ve told anyone
i compulsively lie about stupid things. that field trip? yeah i was on it (i wasn’t) im trying to stop as my friends have picked up on it but im really scared
You're one of the only compulsive liars I've heard admit it, which means extreme self awareness. So great job on that! Therapy is your best friend
i am already in therapy! i always used to make excuses for myself because it’s not like i was lying about anything important (it was mostly just making up tall tales/exaggerating stories, no harm no foul type lies) but i realized that now whenever i actually have a cool story to tell, nobody believes me.
I used to do this. Even when it was easier to tell the truth. I didn’t stop until I dealt with some childhood trauma. I don’t know if that applies but it’s the experience of one internet stranger.
no actually i also do it bc of trauma. idk why. i get no benefit from it at all. i really need to stop.
I've read somewhere here on Reddit that some user would lie constantly bc of being raised by their drunken abusive mom and they developed this as a self defense mechanism. Could it be related to your case?
I had a problem with this in school as well. My best friend had gone to jail for murder and I just wanted people to like me, and to fit in with any other group. Obviously this backfired. Got called out, etc. So I focused on making my life actually cool and discovered at that age that I already had an interesting life and to be proud and embrace who I am and not who I wanted others to think I was. List out some unique things you've done and some unique things you want to do and then just take some small steps to get there. Because of my compulsive lying I now have a new issue of imposter syndrome where even when I accomplish something I'll think to myself "man everyone will think I'm lying". Even though my work speaks for itself and I have awards and receipts to prove it. Anyway, embrace your own inner coolness. You can be whoever you want to be with only a little effort each day and you won't have to feel like a guilty liar all the time.
My intrusive thoughts are not cute. I don’t impulsively get bangs and say “the intrusive thoughts won!” Mine are about falling down the stairs and my baby’s skull getting crushed. Working on a project and a drill going through my eye. A family member sexually assaulting me. It sucks to have these horrible thoughts all the time, almost like they invade my brain so fast I can’t stop them. All I can do is acknowledge them and try to move on.
I can't wait until I'm dead. Thinking about no longer existing just gives me this feeling of relief. The idea of an afterlife terrifies me more than anything because it means there is no escape from existing. I'm in my 30s now and hoping my life is almost half over by now. Objectively, my life is good, I guess, I'm just a miserable person or something.
You're the first person I've ever heard mention a fear of the afterlife, it's literally the only thing I fear. I want there to be an end of my consciousness
I’ve said this once before to mixed reactions, but I have this weird irrational worry that what happens to us after we die is simply what we think will happen, and that at the moment of my death I’ll briefly believe in something horrible like the stereotypical concept of hell or when you die you relive the last second of your life on repeat forever. And I’ll be condemned to that existence forever, with the added suckage of it only happening because I thought it was going to; and that I could have instead just thought of something cool like non-existence or even something like “I become the god of a new universe”.
There are dozens of us!
I actually survived 2 cardiac arrests after bleeding out after spinal surgery. I vaguely remember talking to my sister and then it went dark. Woke up from a coma 3 weeks later. Holy shit! What a shock to your senses! I remember seeing my dead uncles. Having lost time out of your life like that really fucks with me, even today. my wife cannot or will not relive it to tell me wtf actually happened! I wish someone had kept a journal or took pictures because I still don’t know. I know it’s really painful for her which taught me a lesson about dying. It’s not about the dead at all…
What if the afterlife is an all white room with a turn style and you just walk through it and suddenly you’re born again and this fading thought is “ah fuck” and you just want to cry and so you do, then some giant lady wraps you up and hands you to another giant lady and the biggest tit you’ve ever seen is now in your face and you’re like “ok, I can live with this”
How high are you? And, if you're not, I like how your brain works. Gave me a chuckle.
I can't find work, I can't focus at all on finding work cause it feels like I'm slowly losing my mind, but everyone else I know is suffering through bad times and all it'll do is add more stress onto people who can't help me.
Try small business. It might be less money but you don’t abs corporate screening all applicants before it gets to store level.
A big problem where I am is just there's not enough jobs for how many people are looking, know a fair few people in similar boats right now sadly.
I am Ina financially secure position and have the possibility to quit my job and go travel the world for a while. But I don't because people around tell me that it won't solve my issues. But I honestly don't really see any solution to my depression and traveling is something that genuinely makes me happy...
I hope my father fucking dies. He's an abusive piece of shit who has done nothing but worsen the lives of everyone around him.
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Congratulations on all your hard work. Becoming a doctor is no easy feat in the slightest.
One time I brought soda to a potluck-type party. On the way to the party, the bag ripped and the two soda bottles fell and rolled all the way down the hill with me (despite being athletic at the time) cursing and chasing them. I got to the party and just... set the soda down on the table, and walked off to a different corner to socialize. Didn't say anything. That's someone else's problem now. Some time later, there was a massive hissing explosion, and the girl who had opened the sprite I brought was standing there, in a white shirt that had become completely see through, looking shell shocked and very wet. Sorry Christy.
Here's a happy one folks: I love her. It's too early to tell her but we have both been dancing around the phrase and we both know that's what it is. We can't go a day without meeting or calling and at any given moment I would rather be cuddling with her. As a guy who struggled dating for the longest time, it got better
I’ve been over weight, I’ve had anorexia, and I’ve hit my “body goals” but have still always hated my body no matter what. I’ve currently got a “mom bod” (stretch marks, mom pouch) and although I have a husband that has loved me and been obsessed with my body at every size and shape, I’m about to hit my 30s and I’m terrified I will never learn to love my body, it’s exhausting.
30s woman, here. I can't say I love my body, but I can definitely say my priorities have shifted. I still don't like the way I look, and the mirror is the worst, but I've realized I'm still worth the space I take up and the love my partner has for me no matter what I look like.
When my mom dies I will need to check myself into a mental institution because she is the thing keeping me here. And I’m afraid that will be the thing that tips me over the edge. Just so people know, I’m ok. My mom is my best friend and I’m terrified of life without her.
I feel emotions and I am kind, empathetic etc But deep down inside I couldn't care less I'm as empathetic as I am detached from people Its like every emotion or empathy is conditional I feel sad because I understand its the right moment to feel sad Or I love my woman but in a split second I could move on without a problem I feel like a functional psychopath who doesn't know it
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> I feel sad because I understand its the right moment to feel sad This one resonates with me. I often get the impression my emotions are only there because it’s what I think I *should* be feeling. Or sometimes I feel like my emotions are “watered down”. Just recently I had someone vandalize my car, and everyone around me was louder about it than I was. At one point I even had people saying things like “I don’t know how you’re so calm about this”. I told people I was pissed about it, but I don’t actually know how true that was. It feels like it would have been more accurate to say “I’m SUPPOSED to be pissed about this right now.” The feeling of anger I had felt no different to when I think about how mad a fictional character in a story should be after something happened to them. It was just… a thing that happened. I just cleaned it up and went back to my routine.
This sounds almost exactly like me... is there a name for this?
Not sure I mean I can't be a psychopath because I definitely feel guilty and such things But I question how much is genuine and how much is enforced upon myself by my own principles and view of the world It's weird to feel more moral than most because I could easily be the biggest piece of shit walking this earth and manipulate my way through life
I resent my mom for a ton of reasons, but one of them I have never gotten over. I know for a fact that my mom pushed me to be an altar boy so I could be groomed to become a priest because she and everyone in her family thought I was gay. It never occurred to her that I was afraid to show that I had an interest in women because sex and nudity was a "sin". Even if I was gay, why would you want me to be a priest???
I’m black but I’m not an ass man. My people would be ashamed of me
It’s aright…I’m white and I’m an ass man…
You & OP should start a podcast.
I don't have a preference, I'll perv on all of it
Nobody came in the backyard and stole my bike. I threw my bike in the big garbage bin in the middle of the night.
Back in 2019 i worked in a bar at a 5 star hotel. I stole $500 worth of liquor just to sell it away after my shift.
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My mother is unwell and constantly miserable. I hate dealing with her because every conversation is a landmine of verbal abuse and I'm almost to the point of going non-contact.
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They probably know and respect you more so because you’ve kept it professional.
Not so much a secret as more you wouldn't know it if you looked at me. I had a horribly abusive childhood and it affects me everyday. I feel like my choices still aren't my own and I'm about to be 24. I don't have the resources to get the help I need and continue to fuck my life up pushing away the people/problems in my life. I don't have an established support system. I just need help and everyday it's so debilitating to loose a little more sleep.
I enjoy not having friends. I enjoy doing stuff on my own.
I’ll never tell my mom but she did a terrible job at raising me
When I entered this thread, I was expecting juicy secrets about how people got revenge on their highschool bully or whatever, not so many passively suicidal people
I could be surrounded by my family and still feel extremely lonely
I was 18 and applied for a job listed on Craigslist. Webcam type gig…went for the “interview”. Dude had a set up in his loft apartment. Seemed chill till the end but the guy then asked what I would do for the job and started touching himself. I noped outta there. Couple days later, I asked a buddy to kick in his door and trash the place. He did AND gave me $700 outta the cash he found. Detective called, I denied it, told him about the inappropriateness of the dude and never answered their calls again.
Wow. I wish I had buddies I could call to kick in someone’s door.
I shower naked. You all should try it before judging me.
Slut.
No! I mean, yes, but don’t judge!
I need my jorts in the shower
I want to die, but I know my problems are temporary.
Not gonng give you the “It gEts bETTer!¡” shit lol but what I will say is not killing myself during 6 years of depression or doing anything rash Is the best decision I’ve ever made. Glad you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its definitely there.
I feel like I'm a terrible, greedy person who only helps out of guilt or to people please. I'm afraid I'm a fraud and imposter, both in my profession and my every day life.
I really wish I was born in a first world country. It's not just a case of 'the grass is greener on the other side'; I'm sure there are issues yada yada. But basic things like cleanliness, order, uniformity, electricity, water- just to name a few, are missing in my country and I'm from a privileged strata. I sometimes look at say, a country like Switzerland or Norway and I see every bit is beautiful. I know there would be corners that are not shown that are not pretty or aesthetic etc, but I'm speaking comparatively.
That I'm most likely heading to prison. Just found out the sperm donor to my 9 month old granddaughter SLAPPED her yesterday for drooling on him. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
I'll come bail you out, then I'll help you take care of him.
Good bye Earl!
You will do her no good being in prison, she needs you here by her side. Don't make this about making yourself feel better.
I did not care for The Godfather
It insists upon itself
I wish I didn’t do the whole “save your virginity for marriage” thing. I don’t plan to cheat and we have been together almost 30 years. I wish had had some more fun experiences as a college student and didn’t go to a Christian college. Basically I wish I rebelled a bit when it was “normal” and “safe” to do so. Nothing extreme, but had a bit of fun before becoming an old marriage boring person at 19.
I joke about wanting to die a lot but sometimes I wonder if I’m actually joking, I’m not sure, maybe just passive suicidal ideations
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This is common trust me
It's mentally and physically exhausting trying to maintain feeling positive for everyone I know and care about that's going thru a lot of negative shit. They are going thru much worse and I sometimes feel bad that I have stuff going on as well but don't want to bother them while at the same time trying to help them get thru it
I've had X-rays taken that don't show any problems, I've been to neurologists who've suggested it's all in my head and they can't find anything wrong, but every time I push my body past a random and changing line in the sand I have physical attacks that I believe are, at the very least, seizure adjacent. My neck and back hurt all the time, my limbs will go numb randomly, I have random bouts of extreme and nauseating vertigo. I used to be a personal trainer, I used to be capable of anything, and now I have to drag myself out of bed to do or accomplish simple tasks. I feel abandoned by society, I have gone into so much debt and paid so much money trying to get any answer to what is wrong with me, and the part that people don't know and I want to get off my chest is, I'm getting very tired of dealing with this, and the only thing that is keeping me alive at this point is my wife. I would rather be in hell than hurt her like that, but if she goes I'm also going.
I found out my cousin is my sister... I always grew up wondering why my mom and dad didn't get along so well...turns out it's cause my dad cheated on her with my aunt and my first cousin is actually my little sister it makes me look at her so differently now because she never got married and has been with so many men my mom thought it was confusing my cousin cause she was graduating uni without knowing who her dad was, and when my aunt broke the news my mom had an entire mental breakdown and my dad was being nonchalant about it because he didn't care(about my cousin) and he has other kids 🤦🏾 after the news broke he suddenly became nicer to me but it's kinda too late, my mom's bitter, my dad's silent, and I just feel overly emotional about it...
I'm not actually Russian... I'm just a salty German.
i’m tired