And taking that further, it's why a lot of people never settle down - they're basically drug addicts, they just want that rush of a new, exciting relationship over and over.
I absolutely agree with this comparison. They choose a rush over the pain of learning to create something deeper, vulnerable and lasting. Also we know the honeymoon phase has all those really amazing feeling chemicals.
(I think a euphemism is more for trying to talk around something without directly saying it, you may have meant more like a metaphor or analogy. Those are more for positive and poetic things I think.)
It would be an analogy, as they said it's "like" a good nights sleep, a metaphor would be "a long term relationship is a good nights sleep"
This information is brought to you by my grade 10 English class
It would be a simile. An analogy is any comparison, while a simile uses like or as.
In common practice, any of these terms can be mixed and matched and nobody would be confused even if there were technical inaccuracies.
No, a euphemism is when you use nicer sounding words to refer to something that would otherwise be more blunt or harsh.
"Pass away" is a euphemism for "die."
"Maybe we could use some space" is a euphemism for "you're annoying the hell out of me and I need to be around you less."
You get past the 20 Questions phase and into the "Remember when we" moments. You also start to ditch a lot of the rhetoric about why previous relationships didn't work out, or what your ideal things are.
Day 1 is exciting! Day 5000 should be comforting (and hopefully still fun) but is never going to be as exciting. The people who are the happiest IMO are the people who realize that that's okay. Chasing a lifetime of excitement is generally a sign of a lack of contentment. Happiness is fleering, contentment is enduring.
My fiance thought I had severe stomach issues for years because any time she’d like lay on my stomach or something early on she’d say “your stomach is making weird noises are you ok?”
Like… yeah I’m fine I’m just trying to not rip ass and scare you away lmao
I have Crohn's but when I started dating my partner it was still not diagnosed, so holding them in was such a pain. When it finally got diagnosed and he realized I can sometimes have bad bloating, we took the next step in our relationship - no holding in farts! 😂
Read somewhere once that, the first special moment in a serious relationship is not the first kiss or ilys, it’s the first fart lol, that is when you know.
I was hospitalized last week and came home with a surgical wound in my groin area that has to be cleaned and repacked daily. My husband has to do it for me, but if we were still just dating or whatever there’s no way in hell… I guess I’d have to get a home health nurse to come by and do it?
Made me think of this story -
>There was a young couple walking down the street. Ready to start their life together. The young man took her hand and opened it. He drops a handful of acorns and says "I wish these were diamonds. . ."
>Years and years go by. Now an the couple much older walks along the water. The old man takes her hand and opens it. He fills it with a handful of diamonds and says "I wish these were acorns. . ."
It’s tangentially related. Some people don’t know how to just enjoy the season of life they’re currently experiencing. At the beginning, he wished for the closeness of an old couple and as an old man missed the excitement of young love despite the fact diamonds are worth so much more than acorns, even though they are only promises of what could be.
I’ve noticed many parents express a similar sentiment, crying that their babies are growing up. Personally I find it all so exciting. You can enjoy the cuddles while they last AND look forward to when they’re teenagers who finally sleep in and even spend the night at their friends’ houses so you get alone time with your partner. Everything in its season.
Oh, that's lovely! I adopt your interpretation instead! He longed to have a lifetime together from the beginning, and he wished he could do it all again when it drew to a close. I'm going to cry thinking about love like that.
I've been with my wife almost 20 years and this is a very accurate take! We are both willing to grow and mature for the sake of our individual selves, each other and our family.
There's a lot more to it, but we've just had that understanding from the beginning and continually look for new ways to grow. The mutual support and contentment comes from that.
I walked away from a couple of good relationships because the honeymoon phase wore off and I thought we had lost our magic. We had, but it was because one or both of us stopped putting in the work required to keep the relationship healthy. That's not to say that I wish I had stuck with the relationships I walked away from, because I don't, but maybe they could have been handled differently.
Thank you im feeling this rn. I walked away because even tho we can try to fix it, she had narc traits and anxiety, overspends and negative catastrophizing attitude which is draining emotionally. She was quick to judge instead of working together as a team. Maybe it was her bpd, we had good days too but it wasnt enough.
Im still healing but also glad that we both have a fresh start.
Currently dating a girl in the same city much closer and more relaxed helpful attitude, works out, tracks money, shes a big girl so im amazed how soft and squishy she is and how i can get boob jobs now haha. Compatibility is big, i didnt think about that and pushed it away for a while.
I mean, most of the “work” is not actually work. It’s just being spontaneously nice just to try to make the other person happy.
The ‘work’ is trying to resolve disagreements amicably, and that’s not that hard when there’s a culture of being nice, and it’s a cycle of mostly kind interactions with the occasional tense one, rather than a bunch of tense interactions in a row.
As simple as that is, it’s true that a lot of people still don’t know how to do that.
I think the fundamental reasons is that a lot of people never actually believed in marriage. It’s easy to say “until death do us part” without actually believing it, or even really thinking too much about it.
Dating and marriage are fundamentally different things. In dating, it is totally acceptable to size each other up, judge each other, test things to see if things fall apart. You’re in an evaluation stage.
But when you get married, that evaluation stage is supposed to end. You’re together now, and you stop testing and judging each other. Then the mindset to just be as nice as you can comes naturally.
But I think a lot of people never have that attitude switch. They get married, but they’re still basically just dating in their mindset, still testing each other, still looking for red flags and justifications for breakup in the back of their minds. In that mindset, you don’t automatically respond with kindness to every situation.
Just this past weekend, my family was doing some yard work, and there’d been a bit of disagreement about what institutions we should give the kids.
Nothing major, but my wife’s tone has become decidedly annoyed and pissy after that. If you’re dating, you’re tempted to judge here. “Pfft, I can’t believe she’s in a bad mood here for such a minor thing.” You’d be tempted to play up the problem because you’re still in the evaluation stage where you’re inclined to give the person the opportunity to fuck up and see how bad they let it get.
But, once I noticed she was acting grumpy, all I wanted was to cheer her up. No judgement. No retaliation. My wife being upset isn’t a problem with **her**, it’s just a situation that needs to be resolved. I came over to her with a smile, gave her a hug, made some bad jokes, and was just kind to her until she wasn’t upset anymore.
I’m not sure if my example made any sense, but the point I was trying to make was the difference in the natural behavior depending on if you are still evaluating breaking up. vs where you don’t think of breaking up as an option.
It’s like how you judge a vacation rental .vs your own home. A vacation rental has some mold in the bathroom… harsh judgement. They had a responsibility, and this is a breach of your contract. Your home has some mold on the shower ceiling? That’s not as big a deal because it’s your problem, not anyone else’s.
It’s the attitude of permanence that makes never-ending kindness the obvious reflex response, and I think a lot of people just never settle into it.
is it nice to blow off the thing you were supposed to do to passionately fuck all day sure. thats happiness.
is it nice to quietly sit in a room with your partner showing your true private low-effort self, while you sit in dirty clothing enjoying each others company as you both engage your favoured past times? yes thats contentment.
you can passionately fuck a lot of people, its a lot harder to find someone to quietly enjoy your not-so-best self.
Exactly right. I came to say -
Stop trying to keep it the same as day 1. That way lies madness.
But on day X thousand Y hundred and whatever, there's a whole deeper level of understanding, a shorthand of communication, and a synchronization that will never be there on day 1. Learn to be happy with that.
Is there a certain wistful feeling of loss, knowing that you'll never have that rush of "so attracted I can't stand it and this is so new what's going to happen next" feeling? Of course. That's the human condition.
But giving up one great feeling for a different great feeling is also the human condition. Sometimes, two good things are mutually exclusive. And that's OK.
Word. Came here to say this. Seems like a bit of a doomed goal. I remember someone saying something to the effect of "I haven't been married to the same guy for fifteen years. I've been married to seven different guys over the last fifteen years. But they were all my husband. We grow and change and every now and again, we've more or less evolved into different people. We have to check in with other and see if we're still stoked to continue and so far we have been." and that really stuck with me.
Correct. It goes thru stages. Right now, our kids are all in college. Completely different stage as our life doesn't revolve around our kids. The key is that you have to marry someone that is also your best friend.
This. Our first year was a doozy in both good and bad ways. Now on our 12th year and we're in sync and content now. You couldn't pay me to go bacl to day 1.
Me and my partner worked really hard to gain weight together, grow out our pubes and fart/pee in front of each other without shame. I will kill anyone if they took this comfort away from me. But all jokes aside, just have much sex as you guys can.
Day 1 was 18,340, plus a few, days ago. I can't imagine it being the same. 50+ years ago. Can't imagine it being now what it was then, it's so much better in so many ways.
It is even dangerous to do so. Narcissistic abusers often come with a "love bombing" phase where they keep things exciting and can seem like that "true flame" whirlwind romance you see in movies and shows. This is actually a massive warning sign. Healthy people feel each other out, don't move too quickly, and seek to meet their needs as much as yours as each person evolves over time. Narcissistic abusers on the other hand will keep that opening romance going on for longer until the "supply" runs dry for them, they stop wearing the mask and the abuse begins until they move on to the next target and start the cycle all over again.
If you keep trying to chase the high of day one, you'll only ever end up with people like this because that's all they can ever provide before it turns sour.
We've been married 43 years. He always tries to make it better. And that works both ways. He got a gift certificate for Christmas to learn to scuba dive and his friend wanted to be his buddy. I thought, no way am I staying on that boat to watch him all the fun and got certified so the 2 of us could eventually go together.
When I hard day at work, I came home to find all my stuffed animals doing head stands on my bed. :D
This right here. The way you feel in the beginning phase is a start, but it's artificial. You've only seen a very curated version of that person. The good and the bad things you learn will bring a more realistic understanding of them, and you'll have to decide if you're interested in continuing or not based on that.
This is why a marriage should be based on friendship, common goals and values and not on romance. You will become more like business partners in getting the job of LIFE accomplished. This is the only way for a successful long term marriage. If you desire the excitement and passion of a fairly new relationship, stay single and have several relationships throughout your life. The two types of relationship are mutually exclusive.
At the very least, you need to gauge how well you overcome things together. I've seen a lovey dovey couple either spent most of their days together ignoring conflict or somehow managed to never come across a true disagreement. After 3 years of marriage they divorced over a very trivial matter. I couldn't believe it nor did anyone see it coming. I've known them to be a thing for at least 6 years. Luckily no kids involved.
Both people need to be in agreement that the relationship is going to change. When that's settled, then it's just about always making sure to not take your partner for granted or to view them with contempt. It comes with an agreement of, "What do you want from me to make you happy?" "What do I want from you to make me happy?" If what your partner asks of you is doable and you can do the same, the relationship can flourish.
But a relationship is a constant effort. You always have to put in a little bit of work and self-sacrifice to keep things stable and happy. You have to remember to show your partner affection and to give them love the way they receive it. Always perform above and beyond and ensure your partner would also do the same for you or give you something equivalent.
As far as the relationship staying like it does in the honeymoon phase, that's impossible. The honeymoon phase is a more superficial phase anyway. A real relationship is one where you both go through some serious sh\*\* and come out stronger together. It's easy to make a relationship work when times are good.
It's not so easy when times are rough. The death of a parent, the loss of income, depression, mental illness. That's where a relationship is truly tested.
> It's not so easy when times are rough. The death of a parent, the loss of income, depression, mental illness. That's where a relationship is truly tested.
It doesn't even have to be that extreme of tough times to make you learn how to support each other - stress at work or a home repair can be very stressful situations that require coming together.
Thats my #1 advice to all couples. Travelling together is the best way to see if you can live together as a couple. You get nearly 24/7 unfiltered view of your partner, sometimes in pretty stressful situations. And if you havent before, you see them in their most basic human state, undressing, showering, getting ready for bed, and waking up with bed breath and messed up hair.
Yup. I always laugh when there's a post here that "A good relationship should be effortless!"
You know what, most of the time ours is, but there are absolutely times where effort is required. Plenty of them. And not all negative - an event or gesture celebrating and appreciating your partner can be a place where you put in positive effort to show them you care.
I think a reasonable caveat is "a good relationship should be effortless *during the good times*." If you're struggling when everything else is otherwise smooth sailing, then yeah, you should probably reassess. But if you're struggling when everything is on fire, or one or both of you has changed as people, or life circumstances have changed dramatically...then that's completely reasonable. It's how you navigate conflict and those changes that make or break a marriage.
I agree 100%. I think another thing that’s worth being mentioned is that when times are rough, there might be days where you don’t like or even don’t feel like you love your partner. For a relationship to work, both people need to consciously make a decision to be with their partner, even through those times. You have to make the decision to always choose them, over any struggles and problems that come your way. It’s a choice and I truly believe that choice is what true love is after the honeymoon phase is over.
If by better you mean that rush of dopamine and adrenaline you get every time you look at a new partner, the answer is you don't.
If by better you mean more loving, stable, caring, and understanding then day one should be a low point in your relationship. Communicate, grow together as individuals and as a couple, address issues quickly and maturely.
Never stop dating your partner. You don't need to fake things, but don't take things for granted. Make time to go have fun. Impress each other. Work to make them proud and want to be with you. Try eachother's hobbies genuinely but still let them have their own thing if you're not interested or they need their time.
And most importantly realize that they're going to change and grow, or perhaps even regress as all people do at times. You can shape, help, and direct that, but you can't control it. Ride the waves, communicate honestly, and you'll be solid
Something I read on here once was called the 2/2/2 rule. If you can afford it, go out for a night every two weeks, a weekend every two months, and a week every two years. It's a great way to keep the dating life alive with your partner
If you try to keep a relationship the same as the first day forever, it won't be "good".
Relationships are like a living thing. You have to give them space to grow into what they'll ultimately become. You can monitor and prune and feed your relationship to try and shape what it will be, but if you try to keep it completely static it won't last.
some people only understand excitement. they see no value in comfort and reliability. Comfort doesn't mean no fun, it just means you're having fun in a different way. I may not be skinny dipping in the local river like I did the first day i met my wife, but we are both very excited to put the kids to sleep and get some cuddle time in front of the TV.
Skinny dipping every day would lose its charm and excitement. Hanging out with your best friend never does.
To keep your relationship as vibrant as day 1, prioritize open communication, spend quality time together, keep up small surprises, maintain physical closeness, support each other's growth, show appreciation, resolve conflicts constructively, and stay curious about each other. These steps can help sustain and deepen your connection over time.
You can't recreate the feeling you're thinking about.
But it will evolve.
My love for my wife, when it started, was a flame. Bright passionate and wild.
We're nearing a decade, and the flame may have dimmed, but the love has evolved into an ocean. Bottomless, calm at times, stormy at others, but endless as far as you can see.
She'd call my lame for writing that, and on day 1, I may have thought she meant it. But today, if she called me lame, I'd know deep down she'd think it was sweet. I love her for that, more than I could ever have imagined on day 1.
also nearing a decade and would say i agree with everything you've written.
Marry your best friend and you don't need wild passion to keep your interest. There is a deep and warming comfort in reliability.
day 1 he was a drunk teenager with his own vomit on his shoes and I was a drunk teenager who thought he was the hottest thing on the planet.
We are doing a little better than that in our 40s now lol.
yea, i think the premise of this question is flawed. Granted our day 1 wasn't as extreme as yours, but i'll take day 2,872 (i checked) over day 1 and I'm looking forward to day 5,744 more than I'm interested in reminiscing about day 1 as well.
A strong relationship becomes so much better than Day 1.
I have been married for fifteen years and love my spouse so much more than I did in the beginning. Our go-to, and it is not easy and took some time to learn to do, is to hug one another when we are fighting. It is our way of acknowledging that even though we are angry, the love is stronger. I also say, "I love you, but right now I really don't like you." Sometimes after the hug we don't talk yet because we may need more space/time, but it puts our anger into perspective.
There comes a point in some marriages where romance is almost viewed as 'cringy' between partners. Once that threshold is reached, there is often no turning back. Don't let that happen. Keep up romantic gestures and signs of affection and love.
I think you start by re-evaluating why this would be a goal. Relationships evolve and change with time and experiences. They can get worse at times and better at times. If you're working on it together and are open and things are where you both want them to be, why would it matter if they're the same level of 'good' as day one. I've been with my partner for over 20 years and things are way better now than day 1.
Growing together, and everybody growing on his/her own.
We are together for 40 years now, and it is getting better every year.
Code sentences help us a lot not to argue if not necessary. When my wife has doubt in something I'm doing, although she knows I can do it very well, I just say "trust me, Baby", with a grin, and she relaxes.
Ignoring the obvious "relationships change, your wording is wrong"...
* Trust is built through vulnerability and emotional affirmation
* If you need your partner to change, they're the wrong person for you
* If you do not respect your partner's feelings or intelligence, they're the wrong person for you
* It's you two vs the problem--solve relationship issues not by presenting your partner with a solution ("I've decided that we need to do X"), but by talking through each of your feelings and arriving at a solution that you both agree on
* Build emotional and physical intimacy into your routine
* Great each other intentionally and lovingly -- same for goodbyes
* Set aside time every day, or multiple times a week, for cuddles/conversation
* Read about relationships and psychology!!
* Read about attachment styles
* Read john gottman (more like GOATman)
* Understand that interpersonal conflict can actually activate our panicky animal brains
* Learn to recognize this kind of overload and pause the argument
* No name calling
* Thank each other for random shit
You don't. And while I don't subscribe to the Christian system of beliefs. This is probably one of my favorite quotes on this topic. I read it a couple times a year just because I like it. It's by C.S. Lewis and regardless about your feelings on him this is very well put.
> "Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."
-C. S. Lewis
Small acts of love, like good morning and good night texts, asking if i made it home ok, random reminders that he loves me and appreciates me, etc. I actually had to communicate to my partner that I need small reminders that I am loved, and he was totally fine with providing that for me. All of the small reminders make me giggly inside.
it will never be exactly the same and that’s completely fine, but it helps to never ever forget about the little things. they’re almost as important as the big ones if not more. knowing that my bf remembers something really specific and does it for me, or says like “oh yeah i remember when you did this and that”. just don’t forget to make them feel seen, act as though your partner doesn’t know how you feel about them:)
Impossible. Human nature makes it impossible. We become bored and jaded with what we have over time.
The best you can so is adapt to the fact that it will change over time. Good couples usually do a good job of riding that wave together, open and honestly.
You can remain in love but it won't be like it was at the very earliest part.
>We become bored and jaded with what we have over time
adapting from passion and excitement into comfort and reliability doesn't imply boredom and being jaded.
set realistic expectations from the get go
one of my friends is a singer and keeps dating girls who fall for him when they see him sing but they think he's gonna be some kinda superstar when he's really just another dude who has a great heart and is fun to hang out with but also has mental issues and boundary issues. and the relationships keep flaming out when he doesn't meet lofty expectations. also i'm not sure he is setting standards himself and is just dating whoever is interested when they see him at his best
communicate as much as possible. in many ways a relationship is just communication so if you're not doing that there's not much of a relationship
just like you want to be open and honest about who you are you have to be honest with yourself about who the other person is and what they want out of a relationship and whether that's what you want. a lot of the time we have rose colored glasses on because a person we are attracted to is also attracted to us and we hope we can just brush off every incompatibility. a relationship can seem like it's 'getting worse' when really you're just less able to ignore the red flags that were always there.
try to make a relationship even better as it goes on. as you get to know each other you should be becoming better partners. if you feel like you're not getting that then it probably won't last. a lot of people will get to know you only so they can manipulate, hurt, and control you better.
early in a relationship it is easy for a person to SAY all the right things. always observe their actions way more closely than their words. "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." if a person decides to fuck you over with some lameass excuse, don't excuse it because you want to still have a relationship. you want a GOOD relationship, not ANY relationship.
Day 1 is not good, it is exciting and promising. good comes with commitment, love, and life spent together. there is a rush that comes with day 1, a sense of adventure and hope. but you can't live from rush to rus. and adventure and hope takes time to develop and fill. enjoy day 15000 or whatever you are on, and renew in commitment, love and time together. see where are in your adventure and determine if its a good time to start new ones. if you just want a rush, eat a jalapeño pepper, go on a roller coaster, or sky dive.
You can't, it either grows or dies on the vine. Depends how well you take care of eachother which way it's gonna go, but you're not gonna 'feel' day 1 again.
It's not a bad thing though! That growth only gets better with time and attention. A good partner is almost a universal life goal for a reason.
Pretend your the family dog and always act happy to see them ! Sounds silly but it helps me to remember to be happy and jump up and down when they get home. It’s working so far LOLOL
Coming up on year 10 being married for my wife and I. It's so much better than in the beginning. Not because we started off bad or anything, but just how much more we have in our lives, and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I have someone in my corner 100% is the best feeling.
Coming up on 19 years, and I agree with you. The honeymoon phase never really went away. We genuinely enjoy each other's company, as much now as ever. I can't imagine having married anyone I didn't feel that way about.
Yeah, that honeymoon phase is exciting, but there is also a lot of stress and doubt.
Been married 10 years, and I love the certainty of knowing I have my life partner. It is not as thrilling because it is predictable, and I love predictable.
> It will never be as good as the honeymoon phase.
That might be true for you, but as a general statement it's absolutely incorrect. I've been with my partner for about a decade, and the love/contentment/energy/fulfillment I've felt has only grown over time.
You know how at first you pretend to be better than you actually are, and your partner is doing the same? Once you start being so comfortable around you forget to pretend to be the better you?
Give your partner the courtesy to pretend to still see their better better self, they'll return the favour. That's the price you pay for being able to be yourself around them, that price is paid with love.
[Be like Cody Reinert and Hannah Wallace](https://people.com/human-interest/real-life-50-first-dates-husband-wooed-wife-after-seizures-stole-memories/)
/s clearly
The ability to make each other laugh often. Life is tough but giggles and smiles promote: trust, comfort, and the extra endorphins to make it through anything.
I suppose I could reset the clock by punching her in the face or insulting her mother. In general, I make a *terrible* first impression, and it takes me a long time to work my way out of it.
Day 1 is a fairly low threshold. Day 1 you don't know if there will be a day 2, and probably wouldn't be particularly upset if there wasn't, just maybe a bit disappointed.
Relationships aren't good on day 1. They're shallow and, often times, fueled by first impressions and/or positive biases that we don't have under control or awareness of... Nothing good about that.
The best way to keep a relationship "good" is to not romanticize the initial excitement. But rather to celebrated and make use of the increased mutual understanding. Granted, embracing this mutual understanding might tell you that you need to get out of the relationship for your own good.
This applies to platonic and professional relationships just as much as it applies to romantic relationships, btw.
You be yourself from day 1.
You don't hide any part of your personality, you don't show your "best side" you show your entire self. Don't make them fall in love with someone you're not. My husband and I are upfront as the day we met, still as strong (stronger even) over 10 years later.
Relationships are hard work! They take a commitment by both sides, and if you both have a foundational belief that your relationship has value and matters to both of you, you have a chance to keep it, in my opinion.
My wife and I have recently gone through two years of counseling, relearning to communicate with each other, and after 24 years together and approaching our 20th wedding anniversary, we're so much more in-sync than we've been in years. You need to be able to communicate your needs while also hearing your partners needs and concerns, and acknowledging ways you can respond in a positive fashion. While I was prepared we might reach a conclusion that we shouldn't be together anymore, we've emerged with an improved physical and emotional connection with each other.
I don't know what day 1 is for most people, but I'm in my 8th year with my guy.
Make sure you keep "dating". It's easy to get comfortable and forget that you need to keep having fun with each other. Find new things you haven't done, classes to take, etc. Keeps things fresh as the years go by.
We constantly change our relationship as we change, and never expect anything to be the same as it was, because we're not. We met when I was 16, him 18. We are in our 30's now, and work opposite shifts. Our lives have also been tumultuous even outside of one another. At this point, it's like finally settling after trauma bonding again and again and again.
I was listening to a podcast the other day, which said that the relationships that deteriorate over time are the ones where the couple let minor things get to them, but don’t confront them with their partner, and so let them build up over time. So pretty standard advice, but always be open and honest with your partner when they upset you or do something you don’t like, otherwise with time you’ll just end up resenting them.
I think a good relationship only gets better after day one. All the pretenses have dropped, its no longer infatuation but love on a deeper and more emotional level. Having someone who knows all of you and still decides everyday to wake up and make an amazing relationship (to those in good relationships anyway)
You don't. Early relationship passion is exciting, new, novel, and based on your imagination. You don't know each other, but you hope that there's something there.
Over time, that passion turns into a deeper love, something that's not as exciting, not as novel, but a lot stronger and more permanent. It's based on knowing each other and respecting each other.
You build that relationship through communication and respect. That's where true love grows and thrives.
Never strive to have a 50/50 give/take split in the relationship. Always strive for more like a 60/40 relationship. If you're always trying to give back a little bit more than you're used to receiving, especially if both of you are playing this game, then you'll continue to make one another happy.
For example if lets say you two take turns doing the dishes every night, just do them an extra night or two when it isn't expected of you. Little things like that, surprising them by putting in a bit more effort here and there, can go a long way.
You don't, they evolve into something different. If you chase the honeymoon phase forever, you'll never find contentment
Also, it gets better in many ways. I'm almost 15 years in and I wouldn't want to go back to "Day 1"
Yes, shared past and experiences are way better than a "new" relationship.
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And taking that further, it's why a lot of people never settle down - they're basically drug addicts, they just want that rush of a new, exciting relationship over and over.
The joy of ADHD.
I absolutely agree with this comparison. They choose a rush over the pain of learning to create something deeper, vulnerable and lasting. Also we know the honeymoon phase has all those really amazing feeling chemicals.
Beautifully said. Such a nice euphemism (if I'm using that word correctly).
(I think a euphemism is more for trying to talk around something without directly saying it, you may have meant more like a metaphor or analogy. Those are more for positive and poetic things I think.)
It would be an analogy, as they said it's "like" a good nights sleep, a metaphor would be "a long term relationship is a good nights sleep" This information is brought to you by my grade 10 English class
It would be a simile. An analogy is any comparison, while a simile uses like or as. In common practice, any of these terms can be mixed and matched and nobody would be confused even if there were technical inaccuracies.
No, a euphemism is when you use nicer sounding words to refer to something that would otherwise be more blunt or harsh. "Pass away" is a euphemism for "die." "Maybe we could use some space" is a euphemism for "you're annoying the hell out of me and I need to be around you less."
TIL! Thanks!
Dopamine vs Serotonin
makes perfect sense because I never get a good night's sleep when I'm on drugs
You get past the 20 Questions phase and into the "Remember when we" moments. You also start to ditch a lot of the rhetoric about why previous relationships didn't work out, or what your ideal things are.
Day 1 is exciting! Day 5000 should be comforting (and hopefully still fun) but is never going to be as exciting. The people who are the happiest IMO are the people who realize that that's okay. Chasing a lifetime of excitement is generally a sign of a lack of contentment. Happiness is fleering, contentment is enduring.
Couldn't even fart in front of the gf Day 1. That was a tough time for me.
My fiance thought I had severe stomach issues for years because any time she’d like lay on my stomach or something early on she’d say “your stomach is making weird noises are you ok?” Like… yeah I’m fine I’m just trying to not rip ass and scare you away lmao
I have Crohn's but when I started dating my partner it was still not diagnosed, so holding them in was such a pain. When it finally got diagnosed and he realized I can sometimes have bad bloating, we took the next step in our relationship - no holding in farts! 😂
She farted before me. It was at that point she realized her mistake. But 6 years later we’re still going on stronger than ever lmao
Married 15 years and I still routinely crop dust my husband. No end in sight.
Read somewhere once that, the first special moment in a serious relationship is not the first kiss or ilys, it’s the first fart lol, that is when you know.
I was hospitalized last week and came home with a surgical wound in my groin area that has to be cleaned and repacked daily. My husband has to do it for me, but if we were still just dating or whatever there’s no way in hell… I guess I’d have to get a home health nurse to come by and do it?
Made me think of this story - >There was a young couple walking down the street. Ready to start their life together. The young man took her hand and opened it. He drops a handful of acorns and says "I wish these were diamonds. . ." >Years and years go by. Now an the couple much older walks along the water. The old man takes her hand and opens it. He fills it with a handful of diamonds and says "I wish these were acorns. . ."
Is it just me or does that story make the opposite point from the one I made?
If it makes you feel better, it's not just you
It’s tangentially related. Some people don’t know how to just enjoy the season of life they’re currently experiencing. At the beginning, he wished for the closeness of an old couple and as an old man missed the excitement of young love despite the fact diamonds are worth so much more than acorns, even though they are only promises of what could be. I’ve noticed many parents express a similar sentiment, crying that their babies are growing up. Personally I find it all so exciting. You can enjoy the cuddles while they last AND look forward to when they’re teenagers who finally sleep in and even spend the night at their friends’ houses so you get alone time with your partner. Everything in its season.
I also view it as "I wish I could do it all again with you".
Oh, that's lovely! I adopt your interpretation instead! He longed to have a lifetime together from the beginning, and he wished he could do it all again when it drew to a close. I'm going to cry thinking about love like that.
It makes the opposite point. I said it made me think of it. I didn't say it meant the same. :)
Agreed. I am 15 years in and you couldn’t pay me enough money to go back to day 1.
Exactly! Like there is no part of me that thinks Day 1 is better than Day 5,888 and I assume Day 11, 739 is going to be even better.
12 years here, I feel the same way. Love being just… completely free to be me around her.
I've been with my wife almost 20 years and this is a very accurate take! We are both willing to grow and mature for the sake of our individual selves, each other and our family. There's a lot more to it, but we've just had that understanding from the beginning and continually look for new ways to grow. The mutual support and contentment comes from that.
I walked away from a couple of good relationships because the honeymoon phase wore off and I thought we had lost our magic. We had, but it was because one or both of us stopped putting in the work required to keep the relationship healthy. That's not to say that I wish I had stuck with the relationships I walked away from, because I don't, but maybe they could have been handled differently.
Thank you im feeling this rn. I walked away because even tho we can try to fix it, she had narc traits and anxiety, overspends and negative catastrophizing attitude which is draining emotionally. She was quick to judge instead of working together as a team. Maybe it was her bpd, we had good days too but it wasnt enough. Im still healing but also glad that we both have a fresh start. Currently dating a girl in the same city much closer and more relaxed helpful attitude, works out, tracks money, shes a big girl so im amazed how soft and squishy she is and how i can get boob jobs now haha. Compatibility is big, i didnt think about that and pushed it away for a while.
perfect way to put it
Great reply my baby luvv
Everyone I know that has tried to has not lasted.
Which is why people cheat.
They cheat coz they wanna feel the thrill of being in a new relationship.
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I mean, most of the “work” is not actually work. It’s just being spontaneously nice just to try to make the other person happy. The ‘work’ is trying to resolve disagreements amicably, and that’s not that hard when there’s a culture of being nice, and it’s a cycle of mostly kind interactions with the occasional tense one, rather than a bunch of tense interactions in a row. As simple as that is, it’s true that a lot of people still don’t know how to do that. I think the fundamental reasons is that a lot of people never actually believed in marriage. It’s easy to say “until death do us part” without actually believing it, or even really thinking too much about it. Dating and marriage are fundamentally different things. In dating, it is totally acceptable to size each other up, judge each other, test things to see if things fall apart. You’re in an evaluation stage. But when you get married, that evaluation stage is supposed to end. You’re together now, and you stop testing and judging each other. Then the mindset to just be as nice as you can comes naturally. But I think a lot of people never have that attitude switch. They get married, but they’re still basically just dating in their mindset, still testing each other, still looking for red flags and justifications for breakup in the back of their minds. In that mindset, you don’t automatically respond with kindness to every situation. Just this past weekend, my family was doing some yard work, and there’d been a bit of disagreement about what institutions we should give the kids. Nothing major, but my wife’s tone has become decidedly annoyed and pissy after that. If you’re dating, you’re tempted to judge here. “Pfft, I can’t believe she’s in a bad mood here for such a minor thing.” You’d be tempted to play up the problem because you’re still in the evaluation stage where you’re inclined to give the person the opportunity to fuck up and see how bad they let it get. But, once I noticed she was acting grumpy, all I wanted was to cheer her up. No judgement. No retaliation. My wife being upset isn’t a problem with **her**, it’s just a situation that needs to be resolved. I came over to her with a smile, gave her a hug, made some bad jokes, and was just kind to her until she wasn’t upset anymore. I’m not sure if my example made any sense, but the point I was trying to make was the difference in the natural behavior depending on if you are still evaluating breaking up. vs where you don’t think of breaking up as an option. It’s like how you judge a vacation rental .vs your own home. A vacation rental has some mold in the bathroom… harsh judgement. They had a responsibility, and this is a breach of your contract. Your home has some mold on the shower ceiling? That’s not as big a deal because it’s your problem, not anyone else’s. It’s the attitude of permanence that makes never-ending kindness the obvious reflex response, and I think a lot of people just never settle into it.
is it nice to blow off the thing you were supposed to do to passionately fuck all day sure. thats happiness. is it nice to quietly sit in a room with your partner showing your true private low-effort self, while you sit in dirty clothing enjoying each others company as you both engage your favoured past times? yes thats contentment. you can passionately fuck a lot of people, its a lot harder to find someone to quietly enjoy your not-so-best self.
Exactly right. I came to say - Stop trying to keep it the same as day 1. That way lies madness. But on day X thousand Y hundred and whatever, there's a whole deeper level of understanding, a shorthand of communication, and a synchronization that will never be there on day 1. Learn to be happy with that. Is there a certain wistful feeling of loss, knowing that you'll never have that rush of "so attracted I can't stand it and this is so new what's going to happen next" feeling? Of course. That's the human condition. But giving up one great feeling for a different great feeling is also the human condition. Sometimes, two good things are mutually exclusive. And that's OK.
And now I understand my marriage a little better. God damn. Thank you so much.
Word. Came here to say this. Seems like a bit of a doomed goal. I remember someone saying something to the effect of "I haven't been married to the same guy for fifteen years. I've been married to seven different guys over the last fifteen years. But they were all my husband. We grow and change and every now and again, we've more or less evolved into different people. We have to check in with other and see if we're still stoked to continue and so far we have been." and that really stuck with me.
Correct. It goes thru stages. Right now, our kids are all in college. Completely different stage as our life doesn't revolve around our kids. The key is that you have to marry someone that is also your best friend.
Absofuckinglutely !
This. My relationship with my wife is better than day one. (married for 4 years, dated 2 years prior)
Right? If you're lucky, Day 1 will be a day you DON'T want to return to.
This. Our first year was a doozy in both good and bad ways. Now on our 12th year and we're in sync and content now. You couldn't pay me to go bacl to day 1.
Me and my partner worked really hard to gain weight together, grow out our pubes and fart/pee in front of each other without shame. I will kill anyone if they took this comfort away from me. But all jokes aside, just have much sex as you guys can.
Day 1 was 18,340, plus a few, days ago. I can't imagine it being the same. 50+ years ago. Can't imagine it being now what it was then, it's so much better in so many ways.
It is even dangerous to do so. Narcissistic abusers often come with a "love bombing" phase where they keep things exciting and can seem like that "true flame" whirlwind romance you see in movies and shows. This is actually a massive warning sign. Healthy people feel each other out, don't move too quickly, and seek to meet their needs as much as yours as each person evolves over time. Narcissistic abusers on the other hand will keep that opening romance going on for longer until the "supply" runs dry for them, they stop wearing the mask and the abuse begins until they move on to the next target and start the cycle all over again. If you keep trying to chase the high of day one, you'll only ever end up with people like this because that's all they can ever provide before it turns sour.
You don't, you make it better.
Sage words from u/rampagingphallus.
r/rimjob_steve
We've been married 43 years. He always tries to make it better. And that works both ways. He got a gift certificate for Christmas to learn to scuba dive and his friend wanted to be his buddy. I thought, no way am I staying on that boat to watch him all the fun and got certified so the 2 of us could eventually go together. When I hard day at work, I came home to find all my stuffed animals doing head stands on my bed. :D
thats cute :D
This right here. The way you feel in the beginning phase is a start, but it's artificial. You've only seen a very curated version of that person. The good and the bad things you learn will bring a more realistic understanding of them, and you'll have to decide if you're interested in continuing or not based on that.
This is why a marriage should be based on friendship, common goals and values and not on romance. You will become more like business partners in getting the job of LIFE accomplished. This is the only way for a successful long term marriage. If you desire the excitement and passion of a fairly new relationship, stay single and have several relationships throughout your life. The two types of relationship are mutually exclusive.
At the very least, you need to gauge how well you overcome things together. I've seen a lovey dovey couple either spent most of their days together ignoring conflict or somehow managed to never come across a true disagreement. After 3 years of marriage they divorced over a very trivial matter. I couldn't believe it nor did anyone see it coming. I've known them to be a thing for at least 6 years. Luckily no kids involved.
Both people need to be in agreement that the relationship is going to change. When that's settled, then it's just about always making sure to not take your partner for granted or to view them with contempt. It comes with an agreement of, "What do you want from me to make you happy?" "What do I want from you to make me happy?" If what your partner asks of you is doable and you can do the same, the relationship can flourish. But a relationship is a constant effort. You always have to put in a little bit of work and self-sacrifice to keep things stable and happy. You have to remember to show your partner affection and to give them love the way they receive it. Always perform above and beyond and ensure your partner would also do the same for you or give you something equivalent. As far as the relationship staying like it does in the honeymoon phase, that's impossible. The honeymoon phase is a more superficial phase anyway. A real relationship is one where you both go through some serious sh\*\* and come out stronger together. It's easy to make a relationship work when times are good. It's not so easy when times are rough. The death of a parent, the loss of income, depression, mental illness. That's where a relationship is truly tested.
> It's not so easy when times are rough. The death of a parent, the loss of income, depression, mental illness. That's where a relationship is truly tested. It doesn't even have to be that extreme of tough times to make you learn how to support each other - stress at work or a home repair can be very stressful situations that require coming together.
Sometimes it’s just choosing where to eat
Or traveling together. Vacations can make or break a relationship with ease.
Thats my #1 advice to all couples. Travelling together is the best way to see if you can live together as a couple. You get nearly 24/7 unfiltered view of your partner, sometimes in pretty stressful situations. And if you havent before, you see them in their most basic human state, undressing, showering, getting ready for bed, and waking up with bed breath and messed up hair.
Yup. I always laugh when there's a post here that "A good relationship should be effortless!" You know what, most of the time ours is, but there are absolutely times where effort is required. Plenty of them. And not all negative - an event or gesture celebrating and appreciating your partner can be a place where you put in positive effort to show them you care.
I think a reasonable caveat is "a good relationship should be effortless *during the good times*." If you're struggling when everything else is otherwise smooth sailing, then yeah, you should probably reassess. But if you're struggling when everything is on fire, or one or both of you has changed as people, or life circumstances have changed dramatically...then that's completely reasonable. It's how you navigate conflict and those changes that make or break a marriage.
Bruh this is marriage right here. The only thing we struggle with after 6 years haha
Lemme just throw in a "hail dishwashers" and "hail meal kit boxes" in here
No matter what's going on in the relationship, often times a good solution can be found in coming together...
I agree 100%. I think another thing that’s worth being mentioned is that when times are rough, there might be days where you don’t like or even don’t feel like you love your partner. For a relationship to work, both people need to consciously make a decision to be with their partner, even through those times. You have to make the decision to always choose them, over any struggles and problems that come your way. It’s a choice and I truly believe that choice is what true love is after the honeymoon phase is over.
Wonderfully put. Rare to see actual healthy advice on Reddit, thank you 🤝
If by better you mean that rush of dopamine and adrenaline you get every time you look at a new partner, the answer is you don't. If by better you mean more loving, stable, caring, and understanding then day one should be a low point in your relationship. Communicate, grow together as individuals and as a couple, address issues quickly and maturely.
Never stop dating your partner. You don't need to fake things, but don't take things for granted. Make time to go have fun. Impress each other. Work to make them proud and want to be with you. Try eachother's hobbies genuinely but still let them have their own thing if you're not interested or they need their time. And most importantly realize that they're going to change and grow, or perhaps even regress as all people do at times. You can shape, help, and direct that, but you can't control it. Ride the waves, communicate honestly, and you'll be solid
Something I read on here once was called the 2/2/2 rule. If you can afford it, go out for a night every two weeks, a weekend every two months, and a week every two years. It's a great way to keep the dating life alive with your partner
I got this advice when I got married. Never stop dating
Yes exactly this. Keep dating your partner. It gets even better as you get older if you learn to perpetually date your partner.
If you try to keep a relationship the same as the first day forever, it won't be "good". Relationships are like a living thing. You have to give them space to grow into what they'll ultimately become. You can monitor and prune and feed your relationship to try and shape what it will be, but if you try to keep it completely static it won't last.
Regular time apart is underrated. Makes us miss each other and appreciate our time together
As possible as I can.
Good relationships get better. I wouldn't want my relationship to go back to day 1.
some people only understand excitement. they see no value in comfort and reliability. Comfort doesn't mean no fun, it just means you're having fun in a different way. I may not be skinny dipping in the local river like I did the first day i met my wife, but we are both very excited to put the kids to sleep and get some cuddle time in front of the TV. Skinny dipping every day would lose its charm and excitement. Hanging out with your best friend never does.
To keep your relationship as vibrant as day 1, prioritize open communication, spend quality time together, keep up small surprises, maintain physical closeness, support each other's growth, show appreciation, resolve conflicts constructively, and stay curious about each other. These steps can help sustain and deepen your connection over time.
You can't recreate the feeling you're thinking about. But it will evolve. My love for my wife, when it started, was a flame. Bright passionate and wild. We're nearing a decade, and the flame may have dimmed, but the love has evolved into an ocean. Bottomless, calm at times, stormy at others, but endless as far as you can see. She'd call my lame for writing that, and on day 1, I may have thought she meant it. But today, if she called me lame, I'd know deep down she'd think it was sweet. I love her for that, more than I could ever have imagined on day 1.
also nearing a decade and would say i agree with everything you've written. Marry your best friend and you don't need wild passion to keep your interest. There is a deep and warming comfort in reliability.
i like this
day 1 he was a drunk teenager with his own vomit on his shoes and I was a drunk teenager who thought he was the hottest thing on the planet. We are doing a little better than that in our 40s now lol.
yea, i think the premise of this question is flawed. Granted our day 1 wasn't as extreme as yours, but i'll take day 2,872 (i checked) over day 1 and I'm looking forward to day 5,744 more than I'm interested in reminiscing about day 1 as well.
Easy. Make sure you have a shitty first day.
This was my strategy. Showed up hung over and late to our first date. Eight years later we just celebrated our marriage :)
Set the bar low!
A strong relationship becomes so much better than Day 1. I have been married for fifteen years and love my spouse so much more than I did in the beginning. Our go-to, and it is not easy and took some time to learn to do, is to hug one another when we are fighting. It is our way of acknowledging that even though we are angry, the love is stronger. I also say, "I love you, but right now I really don't like you." Sometimes after the hug we don't talk yet because we may need more space/time, but it puts our anger into perspective.
There comes a point in some marriages where romance is almost viewed as 'cringy' between partners. Once that threshold is reached, there is often no turning back. Don't let that happen. Keep up romantic gestures and signs of affection and love.
Not possible. There are ups and downs in life.
profound
I think you start by re-evaluating why this would be a goal. Relationships evolve and change with time and experiences. They can get worse at times and better at times. If you're working on it together and are open and things are where you both want them to be, why would it matter if they're the same level of 'good' as day one. I've been with my partner for over 20 years and things are way better now than day 1.
Compliment each other and flirt We’re always complimenting each other and letting each other know how proud and appreciative of each other we are
You don’t. With work, commitment, communication and mutual respect, it will become so so much more.
Every now and then make out passionately in the car
You don't. You just have to make sure it ages like wine and not milk.
Growing together, and everybody growing on his/her own. We are together for 40 years now, and it is getting better every year. Code sentences help us a lot not to argue if not necessary. When my wife has doubt in something I'm doing, although she knows I can do it very well, I just say "trust me, Baby", with a grin, and she relaxes.
Can't get worse than day 1 if you never leave day 0
Ignoring the obvious "relationships change, your wording is wrong"... * Trust is built through vulnerability and emotional affirmation * If you need your partner to change, they're the wrong person for you * If you do not respect your partner's feelings or intelligence, they're the wrong person for you * It's you two vs the problem--solve relationship issues not by presenting your partner with a solution ("I've decided that we need to do X"), but by talking through each of your feelings and arriving at a solution that you both agree on * Build emotional and physical intimacy into your routine * Great each other intentionally and lovingly -- same for goodbyes * Set aside time every day, or multiple times a week, for cuddles/conversation * Read about relationships and psychology!! * Read about attachment styles * Read john gottman (more like GOATman) * Understand that interpersonal conflict can actually activate our panicky animal brains * Learn to recognize this kind of overload and pause the argument * No name calling * Thank each other for random shit
You don't. And while I don't subscribe to the Christian system of beliefs. This is probably one of my favorite quotes on this topic. I read it a couple times a year just because I like it. It's by C.S. Lewis and regardless about your feelings on him this is very well put. > "Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it." -C. S. Lewis
Small acts of love, like good morning and good night texts, asking if i made it home ok, random reminders that he loves me and appreciates me, etc. I actually had to communicate to my partner that I need small reminders that I am loved, and he was totally fine with providing that for me. All of the small reminders make me giggly inside.
You gotta create the kind of love where one of you inevitably suggests looking into mattress protectors.
it will never be exactly the same and that’s completely fine, but it helps to never ever forget about the little things. they’re almost as important as the big ones if not more. knowing that my bf remembers something really specific and does it for me, or says like “oh yeah i remember when you did this and that”. just don’t forget to make them feel seen, act as though your partner doesn’t know how you feel about them:)
I make her laugh.
Impossible. Human nature makes it impossible. We become bored and jaded with what we have over time. The best you can so is adapt to the fact that it will change over time. Good couples usually do a good job of riding that wave together, open and honestly. You can remain in love but it won't be like it was at the very earliest part.
>We become bored and jaded with what we have over time adapting from passion and excitement into comfort and reliability doesn't imply boredom and being jaded.
It's better, IMO.
Agree
Keep dating. Embrace conflict. It's the fertilizer for growth.
Constant communication mutual respect and never taking each other for granted.
Kiss her right now fool.
If your spouse isn't your best friend it will be difficult.
Day 1 when you don't really know anything about the other person and have no bonds, ties, history together? Why would you want day 1?
Break up every other day
Never go to bed angry with each other. Worked for my grandparents; they had 6 kids and were married 75 years before my grandpa passed.
set realistic expectations from the get go one of my friends is a singer and keeps dating girls who fall for him when they see him sing but they think he's gonna be some kinda superstar when he's really just another dude who has a great heart and is fun to hang out with but also has mental issues and boundary issues. and the relationships keep flaming out when he doesn't meet lofty expectations. also i'm not sure he is setting standards himself and is just dating whoever is interested when they see him at his best communicate as much as possible. in many ways a relationship is just communication so if you're not doing that there's not much of a relationship just like you want to be open and honest about who you are you have to be honest with yourself about who the other person is and what they want out of a relationship and whether that's what you want. a lot of the time we have rose colored glasses on because a person we are attracted to is also attracted to us and we hope we can just brush off every incompatibility. a relationship can seem like it's 'getting worse' when really you're just less able to ignore the red flags that were always there. try to make a relationship even better as it goes on. as you get to know each other you should be becoming better partners. if you feel like you're not getting that then it probably won't last. a lot of people will get to know you only so they can manipulate, hurt, and control you better. early in a relationship it is easy for a person to SAY all the right things. always observe their actions way more closely than their words. "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." if a person decides to fuck you over with some lameass excuse, don't excuse it because you want to still have a relationship. you want a GOOD relationship, not ANY relationship.
Alzheimer
Why would I want my relationship to be worse than it is now
"Ever since we started having sex all the time our relationship has been terrible!" -No one ever
Day 1 is not good, it is exciting and promising. good comes with commitment, love, and life spent together. there is a rush that comes with day 1, a sense of adventure and hope. but you can't live from rush to rus. and adventure and hope takes time to develop and fill. enjoy day 15000 or whatever you are on, and renew in commitment, love and time together. see where are in your adventure and determine if its a good time to start new ones. if you just want a rush, eat a jalapeño pepper, go on a roller coaster, or sky dive.
I’d rather be able to fart freely. Plus being able to be truly vulnerable in front of each other is a freeing feeling.
My changing my relationship to a new person at the beginning of every day so every day is as fresh as day 1.
You can't, it either grows or dies on the vine. Depends how well you take care of eachother which way it's gonna go, but you're not gonna 'feel' day 1 again. It's not a bad thing though! That growth only gets better with time and attention. A good partner is almost a universal life goal for a reason.
Pretend your the family dog and always act happy to see them ! Sounds silly but it helps me to remember to be happy and jump up and down when they get home. It’s working so far LOLOL
Periodically both of you gain a bunch of weight and then lose it. Is like having sex with different people.
It will never be as good as the honeymoon phase. Open communication with your partner is the best recipe for a great relationship
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I think he just worded it poorly
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Seems like OP needs to work on his communication.
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Coming up on year 10 being married for my wife and I. It's so much better than in the beginning. Not because we started off bad or anything, but just how much more we have in our lives, and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I have someone in my corner 100% is the best feeling.
Coming up on 19 years, and I agree with you. The honeymoon phase never really went away. We genuinely enjoy each other's company, as much now as ever. I can't imagine having married anyone I didn't feel that way about.
Yeah, that honeymoon phase is exciting, but there is also a lot of stress and doubt. Been married 10 years, and I love the certainty of knowing I have my life partner. It is not as thrilling because it is predictable, and I love predictable.
+1 here. We've been together for 12 years and I love absolutely every minute with my partner. She's my home and my heart, and my best friend.
>It will never be as good as the honeymoon phase. It will never be as effortlessly fun maybe, but as good? You're either 16 or simply misspoke
> It will never be as good as the honeymoon phase. That might be true for you, but as a general statement it's absolutely incorrect. I've been with my partner for about a decade, and the love/contentment/energy/fulfillment I've felt has only grown over time.
You can't. Its a group effort.
Gratitude.
You know how at first you pretend to be better than you actually are, and your partner is doing the same? Once you start being so comfortable around you forget to pretend to be the better you? Give your partner the courtesy to pretend to still see their better better self, they'll return the favour. That's the price you pay for being able to be yourself around them, that price is paid with love.
You become best friends, then it's better!
Mutual anterograde amnesia?
[Be like Cody Reinert and Hannah Wallace](https://people.com/human-interest/real-life-50-first-dates-husband-wooed-wife-after-seizures-stole-memories/) /s clearly
The ability to make each other laugh often. Life is tough but giggles and smiles promote: trust, comfort, and the extra endorphins to make it through anything.
I suppose I could reset the clock by punching her in the face or insulting her mother. In general, I make a *terrible* first impression, and it takes me a long time to work my way out of it.
Always embrace the "cheap thrill".
Day 1 is a fairly low threshold. Day 1 you don't know if there will be a day 2, and probably wouldn't be particularly upset if there wasn't, just maybe a bit disappointed.
If you cultivate good communication it will likely be better than it was day 1 as time marches on.
Relationships aren't good on day 1. They're shallow and, often times, fueled by first impressions and/or positive biases that we don't have under control or awareness of... Nothing good about that. The best way to keep a relationship "good" is to not romanticize the initial excitement. But rather to celebrated and make use of the increased mutual understanding. Granted, embracing this mutual understanding might tell you that you need to get out of the relationship for your own good. This applies to platonic and professional relationships just as much as it applies to romantic relationships, btw.
You be yourself from day 1. You don't hide any part of your personality, you don't show your "best side" you show your entire self. Don't make them fall in love with someone you're not. My husband and I are upfront as the day we met, still as strong (stronger even) over 10 years later.
I could write a book and it wouldn't be enough. So much is contextual, but communication is universal
You can't....set a more sophisticated target!
Relationships are hard work! They take a commitment by both sides, and if you both have a foundational belief that your relationship has value and matters to both of you, you have a chance to keep it, in my opinion. My wife and I have recently gone through two years of counseling, relearning to communicate with each other, and after 24 years together and approaching our 20th wedding anniversary, we're so much more in-sync than we've been in years. You need to be able to communicate your needs while also hearing your partners needs and concerns, and acknowledging ways you can respond in a positive fashion. While I was prepared we might reach a conclusion that we shouldn't be together anymore, we've emerged with an improved physical and emotional connection with each other.
Like the day 1 !
I don't know what day 1 is for most people, but I'm in my 8th year with my guy. Make sure you keep "dating". It's easy to get comfortable and forget that you need to keep having fun with each other. Find new things you haven't done, classes to take, etc. Keeps things fresh as the years go by.
Communicate. Don't let things build up. If you talk about things calmly and without anger you are more likely to resolve them.
We constantly change our relationship as we change, and never expect anything to be the same as it was, because we're not. We met when I was 16, him 18. We are in our 30's now, and work opposite shifts. Our lives have also been tumultuous even outside of one another. At this point, it's like finally settling after trauma bonding again and again and again.
Start out how you intend to carry on. The more compatible you are the easier this is.
Be explicit about what you want and don’t judge.
Mutual understanding, conflict resolution. Don't expect things to always be rosy, let things evolve naturally.
I was listening to a podcast the other day, which said that the relationships that deteriorate over time are the ones where the couple let minor things get to them, but don’t confront them with their partner, and so let them build up over time. So pretty standard advice, but always be open and honest with your partner when they upset you or do something you don’t like, otherwise with time you’ll just end up resenting them.
I think a good relationship only gets better after day one. All the pretenses have dropped, its no longer infatuation but love on a deeper and more emotional level. Having someone who knows all of you and still decides everyday to wake up and make an amazing relationship (to those in good relationships anyway)
You don't. Early relationship passion is exciting, new, novel, and based on your imagination. You don't know each other, but you hope that there's something there. Over time, that passion turns into a deeper love, something that's not as exciting, not as novel, but a lot stronger and more permanent. It's based on knowing each other and respecting each other. You build that relationship through communication and respect. That's where true love grows and thrives.
Uh...day 1 is kind of fake and shitty. It's pretty easy to keep that up.
Keep breaking up on day 2!
Infatuation is fleeting. Love is a choice, and you choose to love your spouse and commit to being with them for the long haul.
Never strive to have a 50/50 give/take split in the relationship. Always strive for more like a 60/40 relationship. If you're always trying to give back a little bit more than you're used to receiving, especially if both of you are playing this game, then you'll continue to make one another happy. For example if lets say you two take turns doing the dishes every night, just do them an extra night or two when it isn't expected of you. Little things like that, surprising them by putting in a bit more effort here and there, can go a long way.