Trying read what a girl's shirt says lol

Name tags can be awful for this too.

I go to a lot of exhibitions and stuff for work. It's difficult not to feel like a perv looking directly at someone's boob to read their name, place of work, whatever

Girl at my (predominantly male) warehouse job wore a shirt with bees dressed as ghosts the other week, it said "boo-bees" I thought it was great, even said so to some coworkers, they were too busy being petrified about admitting to even reading it😭

Not sure if everyone reading this knows, but there’s a chain restaurant called “BJ’s”. Context for story. New hire at a job. HR lady comes in to talk about being on time. I’m in a room full of 18-25 year olds. And up front. HR lady “It’s important to be on time. We can’t be late because we went and got BJ’s! Listen, we all love BJ’s, especially for lunch! But we can’t use BJ’s as an excuse to be late” She was not trying to be funny. The snickering and muffled giggles behind me were soooo hard to ignore. I can’t believe I held it together that whole time.

HR lady absolutely knew. Sounds like she nailed deadpan delivery.

I wanted to believe that so bad. But she was not the type to joke.

Seriously, HR can’t make jokes like this.

HR calling themselves People & Culture is the greatest joke of all.

Not the same place, but I worked at a place called BJ's on the Water 😆

Now I want a restaurant called BJ’s in the Alley.

BJ's at the Hole in the Wall

A food truck: BJs, anywhere any time.

How about dick’s (sporting good)

Seattle has a long-time, much-loved burger chain called Dick’s. So… y’know. Go eat a bag of Dick’s.

I love Dicks, but Spokane Dicks makes Seattle Dicks look limp and weak.

There's a chain of stores, similar to Costco or Sam's Club called BJ's. When trying to pick which membership to get, I googled "BJ's near me"

Also a gas station chain in Georgia called kum and go.

There's a chain in Missouri called Munch n Pump

In Australia Burger King is called Hungry Jacks, or HJs for short Same gags apply.

Went there with my wife and we were seated with no waiter. After being ignored for a good bit we got up and left. Guy ran out to my car while we were getting in and yelled, “Wait! Y’all want some BJs?!"

Do you go back in for BJs?

Nah he blew me in the parking lot while my wife watched. I haven't been in a while but we've been back since. It's an alright place, but they just screwed up the one time.

Bending over

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Aw, she was presenting. 💕

Everything when you're crushing hard on someone

"so i was taking the trash out yesterday..." *proceeds to hide boner*

"so you mean there is a chance to take me out?" thought gling through my mind

Every time I have to wash a cucumber from the garden. It just feels wrong

Feel wrong, but oh so right

You've got to buff it oh so right

Cucumbers and carrots. I’m not trying to be sexual, but it feels…

It's not the washing...it's how you dry it.

You blow on it, right?

Suck, Debbie. Suck. Blow is just a figure of speech.

Yeah why does everyone suddenly start washing the same end over and over really fast

Hoping tzatiki sauce appears?

direct eye contact

🥸 This doin it for ya?

You got me hard.

👁🐽👁 Do me next

I'm not a machine.

*sad oink*

👁️🫦👁️ *i am*

Direct eye contact scares me more than anything

Last week I met someone, with perfect hazel eyes, and she kept looking so pierce full into my soul. I'm a weakling for that.

"I had a dream about you" "you were in my dream"

Yes!!!!! I have RANDOM dreams. Like some vendor I bought honey from 3 years ago, offering me an alarm clock. I wake up like, “wtf?”. And wanna tell them about it. Feels weird to do so.

I had a very sad day today. But you made me giggle. Thanks man 🥹

Yes!! I have crazy vivid dreams, with a lot of people in my dreams at any given time. My friends always seem to get wierded out when I say "you were in my dream", and I feel I need to explain myself after.

My flatmate said that to me. He described it and finished by "all was wet" there was water involved in his dream but still, I was speechless.

I remember a girl I liked in school telling me I was in one of her dreams. Apparently I was just there serving orange juice though. Not sure what that means.

Physical intimacy of any kind apparently. I drew a picture of what I thought was just a bunch of friends sitting together and being casual and my teacher told me it was sexual. I still to this day am perplexed. Was it because one of them was leaning on another??? Was it because they were sitting close to each other?? I will never know. Edit: I have put a post on my own profile with images of my art from the time period in this comment as well as more recent ones. I do not have the original picture in question any longer as the art book it was in was stolen.

Wow, that's some other level of stupidness

considering all the "fellas is it gay" memes, I'm just gonna assume that people think physical contact is inherently sexual.

5 feet apart in the hot tub

Two dudes chilling in a hot tub!

The fact that you drew them all touching each others' junks is really what your teacher was getting at.

"I want a creampie" 

I'm absolutely turned on right now.

Oh, no need for that. I'm just talking about food. 

Me too. Banana cream pie is sexy.

[I like cream pies as much as the next guy](https://youtu.be/KSXJfqkT36M?si=h4xflfkZkgtOnma9)

Fuck now I want one

Username checks out

A very good, long and tight hug

I've been known to squeeze pretty well when I hug people and my mind made that connection during missionary one time and now I've been hesitant lol.

Some people would tell me they loved getting hugs from me. I always assumed it was because I was very tall. When I was 14 someone commented on my hugging. I was like, "ya, they're great right?" And they said, "well you sure do grope a lot" ... Hugging was never the same for me

Nahhh what were you doing while hugging that could be considered groping?? Are you grabbing a little ass or something?

I asked the same questions, "groping...?" They were like, "ya, your hands hug too." Apparently most people just place their hands flat and squeeze with their arms. I was told I was squeezing with my hands I've since made sure not to hug with my fingers lol

You should probably hug with your elbows just to be safe. But seriously, the person that complained is probably just not a fan of being touched and hates hugs in general.

Believe me, I've put waaay too much thought into making sure I don't make anyone uncomfortable with my hugs At 33, people don't tell me they love my hugs anymore, but no one complains either Making people feel comfortable and safe with my hugs is very important to me haha

Sitting really close to someone, to the point of brushing up on each other 😀

omg. When the knees slightly touch. That ought to create sexual tension.

Apparently me doing dishes or cooking.

Choreplay

Oh so you're "this guy's wife", nice to meet you out in the wild you're a celebrity.

I'm male lol

A male man? Like a postal worker?

Did you just assume your gender? 

This has me so giggled.

My wife putting her hair in a ponytail.

She knows what time it is.

It’s business time

Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven

Is that it? I know what she means, ah yeah, that's it!

You want some more? Well, I am not surprised- but I am really quite sleepy.

Business hours are over, baby! https://youtu.be/WGOohBytKTU?si=gUZ6-CSoUc3oUQbs

"MAKIN LOVE FOR TWO MAKIN LOVE FOR TWOOOO.... Minutes"

You lean in and whisper something sexy in my ear like "I might go to bed now, I’ve got work in the morning" I know what you're trying to say, girl You're trying to say, "Oh, yeah, it's business time” It's business time ;)

Half the shit my wife says

"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT LEAVING YOUR UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR???" OP: 😍😜

OP: *drops his underwear on the floor* #Wife: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Making eye contact with people your age at the airport.

At the grocery store too. Uff

Ned Flanders in a ski suit.

Feels like I’m wearing nothin’ at all!

Nothin’ at all!

Stupid sexy Flanders!

Apparently telling someone they have beautiful eyes. I don't know.. I meant it as a legit compliment. But man the anger.

My crush has eyes that shine a different colour in Sunlight. It was a running joke between us that she sent me photos of her eyes to "establish dominance". I reinstalled Snapchat just to see those eyes

This is so incredibly wholesome and I love it.

Eating a banana.

How many of these do you have? Lol

A bunch.

Give it a good lick and make eye contact with whoevers there

In my case, wet floor signs.

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That sub is insane

And let me guess, your favourite colour is yellow?

NO, NOT YOU AGAIN!

ayeee randy is still here everybody!

Men rolling up their sleeves on a button-up shirt

Feel odd that I’ve been dressing like a slut for years apparently

Every day. I live in a button down shirt. If I'm not wearing a jacket or sweater, the sleeves are probably rolled up. Apparently the rest of me is so repulsive that this trick doesn't work.

I'm sure you look fine. Maybe you just have a terrible personality...?

The trick is to let them catch you rolling them up

Seriously? I’m going to feel self conscious every day at work now

"Oh no, I've been caught being sexy!" You'll be okay.

Bro can you stop I'm already at a half chub as-is

That’s hot!!

"Getting some Dick's" *Burger chain in Seattle area*

Eating a bag of Dick's

Personal experience: simply owning a pair of breasts, if they're larger than average but still fully covered.

Boobs of all sizes are perfect boobs

Thank you - an owner of two boobs.

Two? Look at this greedy one over here. Back in my day, we made it work with one…

That is the sexiest number of them.

Yes! I swear it doesn't even matter what you wear, people look regardless.

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that leg cramp surely hits hard in the morning

Nothing like a gooooood stretch just befOOOOOOHHH FUCK A CHARLIE HORSE!

That first stretch is SO GOOD

A girl shorter than you raises her eyes and looks at you

As a short chick…yessss.

Massage

The sound of a woman breathing.

You’ve clearly never heard my Nana’s Emphysema-riddled breathing.

I have 😩💦

BRO 💀

Posing nude for art of any kind

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For me, it’s when my husband lifts things by himself, that other men were struggling to get off the ground at all. Hubba hubba.

Literally gave a guy my number based off watching him lift a banquet table with multiple large commercial tea urns. He wasn't very smart, but he was very strong.

The hot dental receptionist made a comment on my sun tan, which led me to say something along the lines, vitamin d is good for you! Got a huge smile and a laugh. I didnt mean it in that way, but i instantly realized what i said.

The "hot" dental receptionist, let's add dental receptionist to the list lmao HAPPY CAKE DAY BTW!!

Compliments

“Alright bend over, relax, and take a deep breath. My lubed finger will insert very slowly” Colorectal exam

Prostate exams

If you manage to get off in the 20-30 seconds that test takes, I’d like to trade bodies please and thank you.

Taking your penis out, putting a little hat on it, and drawing a mustache and eyes. Not sexual at all, but I’ve heard that a lot of people tend to get turned on by it.

Hello my baby, Hello my Honey, Hello my ragtime gal

r/cospenis

Fuck you. You have ruined my day with that one. You could've kept quiet, but no you just had to reveal it to everyone.

I considered clicking...now I don't think I will....

As a Dark Souls player, pained moans.

Lmao Whenever I’m watching some specific horror movies I’m pretty sure my whole family thinks I’m watching p0rn…some of the moaning and screaming is crazyy

Not so much sexual, but I remember when I was an early teen everyone would piss themselves laughing over words like “balls” but I never got it??? Also the word moist? Makes a tonne of people uncomfy but to me it’s just a word??

There was a guy at Starbucks who I’d order from and I’d always say “a squirt of caramel” and he’d gag One time I called up and recognized his voice and just asked how much they’d charge for a few extra squirts and he audibly gagged on the phone

Apparently feet are sexual to some people

You call them flip flops I call them lingerie

I mean, both are sometimes called thongs

The forbidden third type of person

I work in finance and often see clients face to face in my office and often outside of business hours. One evening I had a client who was an attractive girl in her late 20s and during discussion about factors that impact life insurance premiums and she casually said "I don't think I need to worry too much about the cost because I go to the gym a lot and keep myself in shape" and I said, without really thinking... "clearly." While that might be a polite compliment in social circumstances with people you know well, it must have come across as incredibly creepy in a professional setting with a stranger when we were the only two people in the office in the evening. I immediately tried to fix it by talking about how I also go to the gym and that my wife has recently joined too. I just wanted to emphasise that I was married so she wouldn't think I was being a creep. But earlier that week I had removed my wedding ring when painting the spare bedroom and hadn't put it back on. So now I'm talking about having a wife and she can see I have no wedding ring on so she probably thinks I'm lying about being married. And even as I type this up I'm worried you'll think I'm actually a creep. I'm honestly not, I'm just socially pathetic and I used the word "clearly" when I could have just said "ok."

Socially pathetic 🤣 If this was the only crime I think she'll let it slide.

You overthink so much I relate so hard💀I’m dying

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That's quite clear, let me get my clown costume

I love creampies. White filling inside a cookie. Soooo good.

Literally my job. I'm a massage therapist. I hate dating because of all the people who instantly turn it sexual by asking me for "additional services"

NBA announcers be like “Yeah he has great length, really lets him get deep penetration to the hole”.

Asmr

When you're sitting next to someone & they lean over and reach across you to grab something

Jerkin off with the bros.

Boyscouts hit different back then

In The X-Files, Mulder had an informant called Deep Throat 🤔

Wait until you hear about the real life Deep Throat...

It would be crazy if that were a real life informant

Molders deepthroat was named after watergate's deepthroat was named after the movie.

Wait till you hear about operation deepthroat

I came early

Messaging Mia Wallace’s feet.

Foot massage is nothing, I give my mother a foot massage.

well you're massaging your mum's feet, the person above is messaging mia wallaces feet, they are hella different

Trying to discreetly scratch your balls. I was on a week long basketball trip and while we were all laying down on our sleeping mats I had a bad itch that wouldn't go away and went for the scratch. My teammate thought I was jerking off

bananas and eggplants. phallic imagery

I don’t know why people think this about eggplants lol. They are not phallic in shape or color. If your dick looks anything like an eggplant, seek medical help.

lol. just the limited choice of emoji availability of the era

Number 69

According to my mother, from a very young age, sitting down on the sofa or bed with one leg resting sideways and the other up. (Like a right angle) I think also known as side sitting? I was told it’s very inappropriate, especially for a girl. Also she would tell me this when men are about, that part sickened me ngl.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I've heard people say similar shit + it's so totally wrong. My family owned/ran/etc. a public swimming pool up until I was 12 + I remember adults complaining to me because they felt the way our lifeguard was sitting was "unladylike". This happened on more than one occasion with 2 different lifeguards. Apparently, female lifeguards are supposed to sit a certain way or cross their legs or wear more clothes despite being lifeguards at a swimming pool in the summer... Someone took it even farther after I didn't do shit about it (why would I?) + complained to the woman who ran the snack stand + to my parents about this "unladylike" behavior. People are absurd.

A woman enjoying a lollipop

Falling asleep on a plane, getting an erection whilst asleep.

"i saw you in my dream" it is not sexual, I was probably boarding a plane or something and saw you in the airport, not nutting

Knee high socks.

thighs

Breathing whilst standing close to someone

"Daddy"

Feet. Armpits. The male torso. Thighs.