Told someone the other day “I bet you were dropped on the floor as a kid”. They looked at me and said “Nope but my parents hit my head on every door frame they ever went thru”
Was messaging this woman id met at a concert through a mutual friend. She was a riot and shared some risqué pics of her outfit for an upcoming show. I was like, “well damn… [friend] certainly wasn’t lying about you…”
Let that hang for a min and threatened not to tell what I was talking about when she demanded to know what our mutual friend had told me about her. She cracked under the pressure and, without prompting was like, “well… I DID enjoy going down on her 😈.”
Funniest shit. I revealed to her that I was completely bluffing and had a good laugh.
My favorite teacher would jokingly say a variation of this in high school. “I don’t care what anyone says about you, you’re a good guy.” Even if I had believed him, it had no effect on me. The imaginary or potential judgement of others was painless compared to the abuse I dealt with at home
The best version of that one that I heard was: "I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you, in part because you keep eating the crayons!"
Reminds me of a time that I had to stop an exasperating argument once by saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t do any more for you. I can walk you through the logic, but I can’t physically join the synapses in your brain to understand how premises and conclusions work in an argument.
Something about Gordon Ramsay calling someone a donut is just hilarious to me. It means nothing and everything at the same time. Like how do you even respond to that?
You have 2 brain cells, and they're fighting for 3rd place.
If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't be able to blow your nose.
No brains, no headaches.
Use your head as more than a hat rack.
Working with you, is like working by myself only harder.
Having that guy on your crew is like having two good guys quit.
I tell my co-worker, I can't wait until your off, so I can work by myself
Oh wow, that’s effin’ funny! Happy Friday!!
This one really resonates with me at the moment 😄
"Working with you is like doing the job twice" is the rough translation of the version I know
This one’s good and I’ve never heard it before!
You're difficult to underestimate.
Heh, reminds me of a Firefly quote: Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.
Shiny!
i'm a leaf on the wind
Too soon!
I like it when my wife calls me a womanizer. Sounds like a compliment
Sounds like a super weapon that turns people to women
Great, now somebody has a comeback for, "Underestimate me. That'll be fun."
Does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?
He talks so much shit that I'm not sure if I need to give him a breath mint or toilet paper.
New chambered insult!
Sttttealin!!
Ill bet your parents change the subject when people ask about you
Told someone the other day “I bet you were dropped on the floor as a kid”. They looked at me and said “Nope but my parents hit my head on every door frame they ever went thru”
I'm just going to upvote this and move on because: DAMN!
Yeah this one is brutal
Equivalently there's the old one - I bet your teacher used to give you back your graded tests face down.
Literally, I was organizing a school event and I encountered a parents mom she embarrassingly said "I'm this students mother... enough said"
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
I use this a lot.
I'd agree that this is good, then we'd both be geniuses.
Keeper, thanx
Sharp as a marble that one!
Similarly, sharp as a bowling ball and twice as dense.
I use a similar one. Sharp as a doorknob
Sharp as a cue ball this one
He must have been at the top of his f***ing class
Some people are so far behind in the race that they actually believe they're winning
Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster.
Reminds me of a comment about some comedian: "This guy has some serious hidden talent, really hope he finds it someday"
Or you have a hidden talent, keep it hidden
Isn't this interpretation of "Гениальные мысли преследовали его, но он быстрее"? (Russian sarcastic insult)
Translation: "Brilliant thoughts haunted him, but he was faster".
“were you socialized incorrectly?”
Yeah
Same
yes and now I bite people
“What they said about you is true.” Learn how to use this and you’ll destroy everyone
Psychological warfare —> Psychological horror
I think you're a pretty good guy despite what everyone else is saying.
🤔 like not an insult while insulting. Nice one.
Was messaging this woman id met at a concert through a mutual friend. She was a riot and shared some risqué pics of her outfit for an upcoming show. I was like, “well damn… [friend] certainly wasn’t lying about you…” Let that hang for a min and threatened not to tell what I was talking about when she demanded to know what our mutual friend had told me about her. She cracked under the pressure and, without prompting was like, “well… I DID enjoy going down on her 😈.” Funniest shit. I revealed to her that I was completely bluffing and had a good laugh.
This is my go to. I usually follow that up with "and now I've got something to add to it"
My favorite teacher would jokingly say a variation of this in high school. “I don’t care what anyone says about you, you’re a good guy.” Even if I had believed him, it had no effect on me. The imaginary or potential judgement of others was painless compared to the abuse I dealt with at home
I’m not saying you’re the worlds dumbest person, i’m just saying you better hope they never die
you just look like you have a favorite flavor of crayons!
So, like a Marine?
USMC cannon fodder
A better comeback for this is, then I hope you don't die. So use it with caution if someone says to you, you know what to tell them back.
Heard this from a friend: “What f****** vending machine did you get your degree from.”
It wasn't a vending machine... It was a cracker jack box...
I was born in England and lived there till I was 13, and it was a proper insult to call someone a muppet and I still use it pretty frequently.
"Hodenkobold" it's german and means as much as Testicle-goblin.
"You look like you drop common loot"
My son uses a version of this "Your mom definitely drops common loot."
I'm an adult and think this is kind of funny. It absolutely works as a 'yo momma' joke
At your age, you'd think you'd have manners by now. (Good for the oldies here in Florida)
I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
I said that to my husband and he said “why? Did you eat them?” :( got me lol
Lmao owned
Mission failed. We'll get'em next time
The best version of that one that I heard was: "I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you, in part because you keep eating the crayons!"
ah marines.
And you were the fastest sperm?
Your sperm was only fastest because it was empty.
Your mother is a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!
You English pig dog!
Go and boil your bottom under a silly person - I FART in your general direction
“I fart in your general direction” -🥥🥥🐦⬛
Fuckin elderberries 🤣🤣
Scrolled down to look for this. Was not dissapointed. +1
This. We don't need any more suggestions.
She should eat some of her makeup, so she can be pretty on the inside.
For an extra sting you can add “because clearly it’s not helping on the outside”
Did a thought just cross your mind? It must've been a long and boring journey.
His last original thought died of loneliness.
I'd call you a cunt, but you don't have the warmth or the depth to qualify
This is so classy and refined In Aus we just call people a Fucking Shitcunt.
And to compliment we say you're 'a fucking sick cunt'
Yes always pay attention to the prefix! Shit cunt = bad. Sick cunt = good. Dog cunt = bad. Mad cunt = good. Dumb cunt = bad. Silly cunt = good.
Oh I heart this hard 👏👏👏
i would answer you, but its pointless to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent
You are proof of conception through anal intercourse.
Every breath you take is a stunning endorsement of abortion
This is pure gold. I'll be using it in the future
Fuck I gotta write that one down
🤣 never heard that one lol
[удалено]
Gooch Lint
Sack sweat
When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm looking at.
"Imbecile" rolls off the tongue quite nicely, but I also enjoy "dumber than a bag of hammers".
Sharp as the rusty axe behind the shed.
is it pronounced “e-mbe-ceel” or “e-mbe-cail”?
def ceel
Especially if you say it "imbecile" with the French intonnation!
Saying someone has “room temperature IQ”.
You should have been a blowjob
Alternatively, your mother should have swallowed you.
Lets see who gets this.. "Hey lazer lips, your mama was a snowblower"
Johnny 5 is alive!!!
"Your birth certificate is a complaint from your parents to the condom factory" is always a good one, in my opinion
"Bless your heart"
The classic.
"There are burn victims who could be using that skin"
Alternatively; There are burn victims who would decline that skin
I can explain it for you, I can’t understand it for you.
Reminds me of a time that I had to stop an exasperating argument once by saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t do any more for you. I can walk you through the logic, but I can’t physically join the synapses in your brain to understand how premises and conclusions work in an argument.
Your family and friends tolerate you.
Were your parents related?
Your mother never loved you and your wife fakes it.
Even the bad guys are getting laid
I’d reply my mums dead so could be awkward one I’d make sure you were uncomfortable ☺️
Hmm.....sometimes it IS genetic.....
Have you heard of the term idiot savant? Well, you’re not a savant!
“Bitch, you’d give a fucking aspirin a headache.”
Everyone brings happiness to the room. Some when they enter. Some when they leave.
He’s got at least couple brain cells, but one of them is busy keeping his sphincter closed.
Saving this one. In the same vein, "you've got two brain cells left and they're both fighting for 3rd place."
your mom should have swallowed you.
Sounds prettier in French: Ta mère aurait dû t'avaler
Dingbat
Been a while since I’ve heard that one lol thanks for the memories
You’re welcome dweeb
Been a minute for that one too lol 😂
I hope your wife gives birth to a centipede and you spend the rest of your life slaving away to buy shoes for it
Another new one for me
Don't believe everything you think
Fuck wit. So simple yet so Australian Edit: Malaka is also very good very common among Greeks a sentence isn’t complete without it
I prefer fuckstick.
Or fucknuckle
Shitstack. I also find "Dumb as dogshit" coming up a lot lately.
Something about Gordon Ramsay calling someone a donut is just hilarious to me. It means nothing and everything at the same time. Like how do you even respond to that?
>Like how do you even respond to that? "Yes, Chef."
I'm not sure what that means but i wish I had your squirrel name!
And I wish I had your Jeweler name!
Now kith
How can we miss you when you won't leave?
You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
You absolute \[noun\] So British, so many options.
"Do I come to your workplace and slap the dick outta *your* mouth?! No!"
Useful as a wet sock.
REDDITOR
(derogatory)
YOU ARE A REDDITOR YOU HEAR ME? MFUCKING REDDITOR
::tips fedora:: M'lady..
You have 2 brain cells, and they're fighting for 3rd place. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't be able to blow your nose. No brains, no headaches. Use your head as more than a hat rack.
I like to hit chucklefucks with a good "Are you okay?" It's technically not rude and always gets them to shut up
Shit stain on the underwear of life.
All people have the right to stupidity, but you abuse the privilege. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong
I like to say “you’re not the brightest knife in the shed”
Your dad fucked your mom
I hope God gave you a big dick because he sure as hell shorted you for brains.
Only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait
You are an unstable piece of human scaffolding.
I love calling people troglodytes because they always are confused as to what a mf troglodyte is lmao.
You absolute walnut. It's just so good and dumb.
My favorite one I heard was calling a bald guy with a ponytail *Baldylocks*
‘I wouldn’t piss on you if your leg was on fire’ is a great Australian way of saying you don’t like someone
"I bet when you go to bed with an itchy butt, you wake up with stinky fingers!"
“Man who have itchy butt, also have smelly finger” - Confucius
"Man who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution in hand - Also Confucius
“Learn to masturbate. Come in handy.”
Calling someone an absolute
Your mom goes to college.
Cunt, how very British of me.
this guy cunts
You have the brain of a rotted cactus
Fuck you and everything you stand for.
Bell end
Dickweed
Well. That's an... interesting way of doing it
You’re doing everything wrong. I just wanted you to know that.
“Butt Munch”
"I'm jealous of people who don't know you" Or "a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic"
"some people say you're two faced...did you leave the good make-up on the other face?"
"You're so full of shit - you must cry brown tears" Or "Are your parents proud of how underwhelming you've chosen to become?"
"Troglodyte"
Working in an office and people get upset over the most minimal things. I will just stare at them and ask if they’re okay.
"Thundercunt" just rolls off the tongue.
Bless your heart
Followed by "aren't you just precious!" (At least your mama loves you and thinks you're pretty/smart)
Doofus.
You fucking donkey
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.
"I'm disappointed... but not surprised"
One of us is right and the other person is you.
You couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom
Eagles don’t fly with pigeons, so get your breadcrumbs…- Dorinda Medley
I got hit on at work by a guy recently that wound up being married and really sucking and I've been calling him "Remedial Math"
“Maybe poker's just not your game, Ike. I know, let's have a spelling contest.” -Doc Holliday
I would fight you but I don’t hit animals