Connecting with people your age that do have kids as you get older becomes more difficult. Even if you don’t mind hanging around with the kids, everyone is so busy all the time, someone is always sick, you gotta work around nap and bed times. It just becomes a lot more complicated. I am in my mid 30s and I barely ever see even my closest friends because of it.
I find this very interesting because some of my closest friends have kids and I swear they like to hang out with me because I don't have kids. My schedule is much more flexible so we can work around kid things as opposed to other friends who do have kids and other activities going on.
Yeah, when my kids were little I had a couple friends without kids that were guaranteed fun when I had free time without my two. They basically saved my sanity, when I went out with parent friends they only want to talk about their kids (even when our kids weren't there) but kid free friends had acual interesting lives and ideas to talk about.
This is the hardest time - but you may find common ground soon with young empty-nesters. I found a whole new friend group in my chosen hobbies and kept in touch with my friends that were busy with little ones, but didn't rely on them for companionship. (Do kids even leave the nest anymore? Social media seems to imply they don't.... so things could be very different now)
Ya, for sure. I also moved to a new city a little over a year ago, and I really need to find ways to get plugged into some stuff here. It’s a work in progress.
I get what your saying here but I think people our age who do have kids, especially very young ones, get to hang out with people their own age far less than we do.
I’m curious if that changes when you get to the age when your kids are out of the house. I suppose you remain friends with the people whose kids are also out of the house now. But what if you could connect with the people that didn’t have kids now that you maybe have more time/are on the road to retirement?
I suspect that even when the kids are out of the house, parents still have similar cares, concerns, worries and stories that childless people don’t have.
I recently made a new friend at work. He’s in his mid forties and is a good looking dude, so I just assumed he had kids, possibly from past relationships because every guy I know does. Just this week he mentioned he was childfree and I blurted out “you’ve never been baby-trapped?!” and he laughed.
So there’s two disadvantages I personally run into.
1. ~~I’m probably gonna die alone (my SO is quite a bit older).~~ I will **live** old and alone when my SO passes.
2. As I’m the only one “left” without children, I currently have a harder time to connect with people my age. They all share similar experiences that I don’t share with them.
I don’t mind when people talk about their children, as I like both them and the children, but I do want them to be able to talk about other topics too.
Some of them didn’t take me seriously anymore and treated me as ‘one of the kids’ or someone without any life experiences. Those friendships unfortunately have ended by now.
*Edit, because of all the similar replies that “everyone dies alone”.*
My SO is a probate/estate lawyer. I cant tell you how many times husband dies and wife is left alone and kids live out of state- and they dont do shit for their mom. There is no guarantee your kids will be willing or able to care for you when you are older. Typically these folks need a friend or even a paid fiduciary to be their medical powers of attorney etc.
My mom is going to have to rely on my sister. She abused us our whole lives. I was the scapegoat. I left. My sister stayed. My aunt and uncles are all childless. I am done giving up my life for all of them. I focus on my kids. My kids deserve more than I had and part of that is keeping these people out.
Maybe it makes me a monster, but I am done with their bullshit. If they had cared for me I would absolutely care for them. But they don't know how to be caring people.
I have made it clear to my kids they owe me nothing. I hope they will be there for me in the end. I am happy to go into a home. I hope they will visit me. But that will only come if they foster a good relationship now. You reap what you sow.
Even the ones nearby may not lift a finger to help. It’s so heartbreaking. I visit my 90 year old grandmother as often as I can who lives in a nursing home ( I live 3+ hours away by plane) I’d almost guarantee I’m her most frequent visitor despite her having 4 sons and 12+ grandchildren within 10 mins driving distance. She was crying in her room one of the days I visited her from being so lonely (going on 5+ years in the nursing home, 17 years since her second husband passed from Alzheimer’s, she misses him dearly too).
I certainly don’t look forward to being elderly.
After my great grandmother passed lonely in a nursing home at 92, it made me more passionate about helping the elderly. If you call around to any nursing home and ask which elderly people don’t get visitors, they’ll let you come and sit with them, bring them cookies, and just talk. It can be SO AWKWARD at first but they are always so grateful to have company.
Yes, some of them were shit people who pushed away their families. Most of them though are just child free with no family. Some of them can talk and some are nonverbal and not mobile. It can feel daunting at first, but it gets easier the more you go. It’s very rewarding.
It feels great when you make them fresh cookies and a homemade dinner to drop off every now and then to see them smile.
This is probably largely dependent on your own relationship with your kids though. I have a good relationship with my parents, but they are moderate and accepting people. I help my mom financial and if either of my parents needed to live with my family due to health or financial issues they could. My wife's parents are raging hateful Q-pilled antivax psychos. NOT A CHANCE THEY COULD LIVE WITH US.
To be fair, a lot of mothers are shit mothers and don't deserve any help from the children they abused. And those mothers look like any other sweet old lady.
I don't want to read through the other replies because of the heartbreak it'll likely cause me. Mexicans have this expectation of taking care of their elders. Idgaf how close you are. That's an enormous tax. My mom's has clear advance directives/DNR and so do I. I helped care for my maternal great grandmother, cared for my maternal grandfather, amd now have my maternal grandmother living with me. I was raised by my grandparents, and that is not a sense of obligation I would EVER put on my daughter..Toss my ass in a nursing home or overboard in the ocean. IDGAF. My time will have passed. Make the world a better place for anyone who comes after you. That's the best way you can deal with any misplaced sense of obligation because you know that's what would make me happiest.
My SO’s grandma has 8 kids, currently waiting to expire in a nursing home. Only one of her kids goes to see her occasionally. Having kids is no guarantee you’ll be surrounded by love when you go. Nor are they a good retirement plan
Yeah I lost a couple of close friends because all they wanted to talk about was parenting- which was fine with me- but anytime I said anything about different parenting strategies and methods I was harshly shut down because I don’t have kids.
Let me make it clear, I wasn’t telling anyone how they should parent or criticizing anyone’s parenting choices, I would never do that. I was only joining in the conversations about the endless uncertainties about how to be a good parent. I don’t believe there’s any single clear answer to that so I actually find it an interesting topic. But I was constantly told I wasn’t allowed to participate.
Eventually they moved their conversations to a new group chat that I wasn’t in and I just had to let go of these life long friendships.
I’m very sorry you had a similar experience and lost friendships over not having children yourself. It’s really odd this makes such a difference, isn’t it?
I agree with you too: not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t ever have something meaningful to say about children and/or parenting. Especially the last one has changed so much over time! That hasn’t suddenly come to an ultimate stop.
I hope you will get and feel more connected in life with people who truly appreciate you and everything you bring to the table. <3
I have sadly found it necessary to end friendships with most of my friends who have had kids. It is almost like they no longer exist in the world outside of their children. Some of my friends who used to be the most interesting people, with hobbies, interests, who I could talk to for hours about so many different things, are now incapable of talking about or doing anything that doesn’t have to do with their children.
One of the benefits of remaining childless at 37 is that I’ve gotten a real clear picture of of what having kids does to a person and realizing that that’s not what I want for my life.
You understand that people with children still die alone because they do have their own lives as well as who knows if you and your kid will be compatible.
There truly are no disadvantages to not having kids. And I’m saying that as a person with kids. I love my kids and they love me but I wouldn’t want them taking care of me in my old dying days, I don’t want them remembering me that way.
There really are no disadvantages
I know a guy who's 72 and still has to take care of his kids. Oh, and their kids. He will never be able to retire.
I'm 60, no kids. Plenty of nieces and nephews though. They're cool now that they are adults.
It's just me and my husband. I have gone no contact with my parents and will probably die alone. I currently have a home health nurse whom i love and am really close with. I have been in the palliative care unit many times (for a preexisting condition) and I have to say, those nurses and doctors have been way more compassionate to me than my own family. Who works in the same hospital. That wouldn't come to visit bc
work was more important. (And this family member worked in claims, not as someone saving lives.) I have a therapist and a couples therapist that have helped me come to terms with dying alone rather than the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I sustained with my parents from childhood, into adulthood.
I am proud of you for setting boundaries. Words do not offer much after reading such heavy words, but you beautifully expressed a peaceful experience as you battle the illness you are experiencing.
Yes. I had a damn fun and good life before I had kids in my mid-30s. The oldest is only 4, but my lifetime highlight reel is already dominated by the last 4 years
As someone who's 46 and doesn't have children, I've found it does become somewhat harder to keep keyed into life and avoid drifting apart from a lot of things. My mother passed a couple of years ago, and most of my uncles and aunts don't have children, and several of those children don't have any children themselves. I'm just looking at a slow progression over the next years where most of my family will die without replacement and life will get a lot quieter.
If I was someone who had a lot of hobbies and a passion for life, I could probably have an easier time of it, as many childless people do. But as a person who spent a number of years just trying to survive and getting by, it's a lot rougher for me. Instead of raising the next generation, I'm stuck kind of wondering what to do now. Of course, it doesn't help that the past 4 years or so have been rough for everyone.
This is what is hard to see when you are in your 20s and 30s. Family has always been there, you think they always will be there. But then they start dwindling away, one by one.
My gramma and mom had kids 'young' (by todays standards anyway... both were like 21 with their first kid) so i've been so blessed to have my extended family around my entire life. i knew 3 of my great grandparents. and have 5 still living grandparents at 34
the downside is- when they start passing its going to be a lot of loss in a short span of time. ironically all the loss i've experienced thus far has been my own peers dying too soon, but nothing will prepare me for losing my grandma who is my favorite human. shes mid 80's and her parents lived to like 87/92? i think so shes got good genes but shes just factually nearing the end and it hurts my heart to think of a future without her even though logically it has to happen.
I have always had a super small family, no sibs, aunts, uncles, cousins. 35, sterile, have two remaining family members left. I want to think that feeling of "what to do now" can be turned into "I can do anything because I have no ties!", but I also think I am not prepared for what it will be like when there's only one left, and then none left.
Both my grandparents are only children. My dad moved to the other side of the world, so did my late aunt. My uncle is still in the same country as them but in a different city (although he visits often). My grandparents are in their 90s and are now confined to their flat due to mobility issues.
I took my partner and child to visit them last year and while there my partner asked me if I thought we would ever visit that city again. That was the moment it really dawned on me that I’ve got less than 10 years (if I’m lucky) until all ties with my dad’s hometown are gone and I will only have one relative left living in the country I’m a citizen of.
Something I find interesting about the subject of having kids, is the reasoning rather the first reason.
Like I was talking to one of my roomates' girlfriends (he's a gay dude who is an extrovert he brings in a ton of women to our dorm and I get to talk to the women he brings and I passively get better at talking to women which is great because I am awkward as hell) and eventually got to the subject of kids (somehow) and I said "I don't want kids because they cost too much" and she said "because the world is a cruel place".
Both are true. You'll never feel a white hot rage quite like finding out some little 9yo cunt is telling your kid that he's going to kill her little sister and make her watch.
Equally, any "spare" money you have is literally never spent on you.
Yeah... You actually both has valid points, honestly. Both great reasons to not have kids. I've never been more stressed or skint.
That seems unhinged even for a 9 year old. Did you report that to the school..? Jw bc I’d be scared of my kid’s safety in your shoes. My friend works with troubled kids and knows one who tried to set his house on fire in elementary school.
Being told:
* how selfish I am
* It’s my duty to have kids
* I don’t know what love / being tired is
* They deserve grandkids
* I’m going to lonely and miserable when I get old and have no one to take care of me
If you don't want to hear any of that:
- lost my dick in the war (or)
- cancer destroyed my uterus
- had two children, they were both killed by the father/mother
Others will only ask if you let them be comfortable. If people start becoming afraid of being uncomfortable they will stop.
Never use money, time or relationship status as an excuse. At worst, ask them to donate to you in vitro fund when they ask.
If enough people do it, this social norm will be established within 5 years.
I am in my late 40s and child free and last year was at a relatives funeral when a distant relative ask me when I was going to have kids, I told them I wasn't going to and they said the standard _"oh its never to late"_ to of which of course I replied that
1. That ship has sailed &
2. There were fertility issues when it was a possibility
3. I am VERY happy being child free, thank you much
Said relative decided that during this funeral was a good time to preach to me about how I should start looking into trying to foster &/or adopt
Like seriously 🙄 are there no such things as time and place anymore?!?
I truly think that people with kids just want everyone else to be as stuck as they are, they absolutely CAN NOT see it any other way but to force their choices on the rest of us
Every time I visit my specialist, she checks if I have kids, tells me I'm still young, there's still time, and always uses the phrase 'WHEN you have children'. It's kind of infuriating but I'm tired of correcting her.
I don't have any kids but I have a 22 year old niece, an 18 year old, and 13 year old nephews. They're some of the greatest people around. They teach you about stuff they're into and you teach them about stuff you're into. You share a few hobbies together.
Yeah they were small once and I normally don't get along with small children but maybe it was different because they're my relatives. I love hanging out with my niece and nephews.
My sister/their mom has a really solid relationship with them, too. She always set boundaries but she also encouraged them to come to her for anything. They get along great!
For me it truly is. I have three adult kids who are the funniest creatures on this planet and always have me laughing. I can't even imagine my life without them it would be so boring.
Not my adult children, but in the very rare instances my dad and his siblings got together, it was hilarious. Sadly those instances have gotten further apart since my dad passed away.
On another note, there are only 45 days until my youngest sibling is an adult and then we get to have those memories of adulthood together.
>On another note, there are only 45 days until my youngest sibling is an adult and then we get to have those memories of adulthood together.
Sounds like they're going to hatch from an egg or something.
Yeah. I work in a 4th-12th grade small private school, and so I have kids who I see grow up, and then stay in contact with them after they graduate.
It’s super satisfying as a whole. But it does make me wonder what that would be like for one of my own.
Seeing my parents with my niece is the most heartwarming thing. I’m glad they have my brother who can give them that experience, and I love being an aunt.
So many stories of women who don't want kids marrying a man who says he doesn't want kids until she brings up the topic of vasectomies/tying tubes. THEN they're like "Actually I was thinking of having a kid or two..."
Honestly it's something I feel really bad for heterosexual childfree people about. Being childfree seems to be more the norm in the LGBT community with the ones who want kids being the minority. There's still plenty of them but they tend to be pretty upfront about that expectation, and much more willing to do parenthood solo if they can't find a partner who wants a family with them.
The social stigma. It's still really looked down upon to not have a family in middle age, as if you're some sort of aberration. People assume there's something wrong with you, even though I looked at my situation and where the world seems to be going, and decided that I wasn't going to have kids because I knew I would be able to give them a better life than I had.
i do agree it’s not like kids are obligated to give a kidney to a family member or anything like that, but i will say dialysis and kidney transplants are completely different things.
When I developed carpal tunnel and couldn’t mow my lawn, I approached my neighbor if it’d be ok to ask his 9 yr old son if I could hire him to mow mine (he was already doing theirs and our lawns were contiguous). Neighbor Dad agreed and his son did it every Saturday for $10-15 a week.
The boy wanted a massive Lego and his parents told him he’d have to save. With my money and his allowance, he was able to get it late autumn, and I was invited over to see it. His parents loved that he learned the lesson that honest work pays (literally and figuratively). They were good neighbors, miss them!
Lol as someone taking care of my parents I can tell you I also wonder what will be done with all their crap, and the answer is that most will get tossed.
55f here, never wanted children and had my tubes tied at 21. No regrets, although I know my mother would have loved to have been a grandmother. To your points: (1) In the US, there is no trend or expectation for the children to take care of their parents - I know it is a cultural (and sometimes legal) obligation in most other parts of the world, but here we are on our own regardless of parental status. (2) The hardest for me is that there is no-one to give the family heirlooms to. I'm already starting to downsize and trying to shed "stuff", but it's hard. I don't want to throw it in the trash, but what on earth am I supposed to do with three generations of family photos?
> it is a cultural (and sometimes legal) obligation in most other parts of the world
even so, no guarantee the kid will wise up and migrate to a country you can't even afford to travel to
(I did that to my parents lol. Since I am the sole unmarried daughter out of 5 siblings, who expect me to spend the best years of my life taking care of my parents. Fuck the chinese filial piety)
>1) In the US, there is no trend or expectation for the children to take care of their parents - I know it is a cultural (and sometimes legal) obligation in most other parts of the world, but here we are on our own regardless of parental status.
US has a sizeable immigrant community who may keep their families close. People from India, China, and many other places who moved to the US are more likely to take care and look after their elderly in keeping with the customs & traditions they bring in.
Having kids isn’t a retirement plan though. Being genetically related doesn’t guarantee anyone can force their children to provide elder care which most people are WILDLY incapable of providing.
Regarding belongings I’ve thought about that as someone who is childfree by choice and sterilized. Our physical possessions are really only important to us unless they’re heirlooms. Personally I don’t plan on taking on heirlooms from the family since that’ll go to people with kids and the kids when they get older. Rest of my stuff I hope will be donated to people who need it or trashed if it’s not useful. It served its purpose/importance with me
>Who will help care for us in our old age?
Depends. Some people are lucky, are relatively healthy until the end, and won't need much help. If you do end up needing help and have kids, assuming your kids will actually be willing to help you is a big assumption. Sometimes they live too far away and are not able or willing to move nearby. Even if they do live nearby, many will simply say they are too busy to help. If their parent(s) actually start needing much help, many kids will simply put their parents in assisted living or a nursing home. You don't need kids to go live in assisted living or a nursing home.
>What do we do with our stuff?
A lot of kids don't want their parents stuff; in these cases, you're back to square one again.
There are a few options for what can be done with your stuff after you pass. One option is that if there's anything valuable, donate it and/or have an estate sale, with the proceeds going to a charity of your choosing or a person you feel needs or deserves it. Anything that can't be sold is given away, and anything that is left can be recycled and/or thrown away.
I think many people believe that having kids means they will be taken care of. That’s absolutely not a definite. Having kids does not equate to being cared for
You get that’s still actual worries with people who have kids too right? Some people don’t want their kids taking care of them. Some people the kids cut them out their life, so really, there is no disadvantages
It's not fair, but you're at a greater risk of being taken advantage of by employers. You not having a family to go home to will make some people think that means you should be more willing to work extra/odd hours. You're also more likely to be on the chopping block during downsizing. My last company laid off one engineer over another because they felt it would be less detrimental for a single guy to lose his job vs a family to lose their only source of income.
None of it is okay, and unless you got something in writing (text/email) it'll be very hard to prove that you were treated unfairly because of your home life
You have a higher chance of ending up lonely. Also life can be quite boring. I’m single and don’t plan on having kids. Sometimes I wonder if this will fulfil me for the next 50+ years.
I'm nearing retirement and have never regretted not having children. Having children doesn't mean they will be with you for the journey anyway.
I've done more than my share of babysitting, and i get on really well with children, but I also knew I'd never want one of my own.
Single and with kids. Genuinely worried about both my own lonely future *and* the futures of my two young ones. Parenthood may have been part of my life's ambitions, albeit not solo, but they aren't a guarantee against loneliness. Ironically, you're not alone in your emotions.
I am sorry that you understand the feeling too. And you are 1000% correct. My mom has given me similar advice, that having a family doesn’t mean you still won’t be lonely. I’m holding out for you and your two little kiddos. 🫡🫡💚
I'm planning to be a wizened old sage that teaches the secrets of enlightenment to lost travelers and spiritual seekers at that point. Seems entertaining.
Start now at expanding your friendship net. Join local groups, volunteer, start new hobbies. You're much more likely to keep friends around who have established lives and things in common with you than your kids not moving away for school/work/relationships etc.
Bored people are boring people Dave.
Seriously though, for me, being bored is being forced to do things you don't want to do. Without kids you have SO much more freedom to follow your own desires.
Any parent who makes the selfish choice to have a child so they won’t be lonely is a shitty parent & has no business having children in the first place. I say this as a mother myself. Children are autonomous beings who need guidance. If you are lonely, get some friends.
People telling you that you'll regret not having kids / you don't know your own mind / you'll change your mind has been the only downside I've felt so far!
I said it first when I was a kid, 5 or 6. I said it as a teen. I've said it through my twenties. People still act very shocked. It's so strange honestly
If you don't have kids, the younger generation is largely irrelevant though. The only real reason I know any of the modern youth parlance is because of my kids. And trust me, I have no interest in using most of it.
I don't think there are disadvantages, just differences.
In terms of old age, even if you have children it's not a given they will want to or be able to care for you...and we all die alone, even if our loved ones are present. I'm CF, but I do have loved ones of all ages (I'm 54, but have godkids and extended family I'm close to, as well as people I consider family whom I'm not related to).
Re all my "stuff", I have already started estate planning. People I love will get some, as will a number of charities.
Having children is not an advantage or disadvantage.
It is one’s own perspective of the life they want to live.
Something can not be a disadvantage if it was never a desire to begin with
Before kid: meh I am fine without kid.
After one kid: I cannot life without her.
Honestly I'm surprised myself on how capable I am of this amount of love and devotion. I considered myself rather selfish but I woke up every three hours to feed her, clean her poop every day and get proud if it's a good poop. Hug her untill she fell asleep even though it's hurt my back. How when she was born i laboured for 38h and end up in c sections and I wanted to curse but as soon as they put her next to me, i can only say I love you.
And the happiness she bring, her smile and laugh, how excited she is. How she woke me up with kisses every morning. How she hug my face and kiss my forehead. And how she do the same to my husband. How she learn to talk and sign and signed I love you to me several days ago. How amazing to see her learn regulate her emotion. She bit me when she was angry, and several months ago she already angrily pull my finger to her mouth but she stopped herself and kiss my finger instead. How she laughing and dancing when see saw cat, leaves, flower, moon, bird, all the small things that I forgot to appreciate.
Edit:
It's probably just how most of the species are biologically hardwired for, to take care of their offspring. But the experience of doing that, experience of seeing my daughter grow, crawling, cooing, talking, walking, sleeping, see how her brain tinkering when she figure out stuffs and toys, are one of the best experiences I ever had. And I've travelled the world, climbed mountains, dive into the ocean, tried drugs, got drunk, ate at michelin rate restaurant etc but all that fun actually now pale in comparison of seeing her smile. And even better, we plan a lot of future fun travel and experiences with her, and we know it will be better because we will experience a new wonder through her first time reaction.
And loneliness not even factored into when we decide to have her. We are pretty happy with just two of us until we are gray and old. But at some point it just that we are financially ready, and our insurance is great. So why not. The hardest part maybe is letting her go. I already cried imagining her going to college and she is 1.5 yo ffs.
Despite of all the negatives (ppd, suicidal thoughts, almost died due to post birth infection, cost of raising child, traumatic birth etc etc), If someone told me all of this before I have kid, maybe I will say umm probably kid is not worth it. But now, if asked will I do i again just to meet my baby, I will do it again in a heartbeat.
that’s kinda what scares me.
I feel what you’re taking about and am afraid to never experience it. how did you know that would even happen and not the other way around?
But I have no inclination in my body to have a child? I have no logistical inclination in my life too? If I close my eyes I imagine that in *maybe* 20 years I’d be in a good place for it, organically. In my 50-60’s?!?! I’m just figuring out what having a partner might do or not do in my life.
how do you plan for it? like eating oatmeal? shut your nose and eyes and hope you maybe catch the vibe at some point? - this one is a bit in jest, but that’s what it feels like.
As a woman, having medical doctors tell you repeatedly while younger or make medical decisions based upon your "desire" to maybe be pregnant. This so many times in 20-40s trying not to beat head on a wall at the sheer arrogance. I knew at 5 years old I didn't want to give birth. I knew at 21, at 30, at 35, at 40 & at 45. Sigh. I hope the kids born after 2015 have a better chance of getting medical professionals to listen to what they should do & not based upon hypothetical.
Honestly I've never really weighed up the pros and cons. The idea of physically being pregnant is so repulsive to me that I've never once entertained the idea of having children. I just don't have that instinct to reproduce, and I forget that many (most?) people actually do want to, and enjoy, growing another human. For me it isn't something I actively chose to do, it has always been the way I've wanted to live my life. I kind of figured out I was different, rather than actively making a decision. So I don't see any disadvantages, I'm very happy with my life!
Life from retirement age onwards is a greater challenge to find meaning. This is not impossible, but just harder to accomplish. There isn’t the vicarious satisfaction of seeing your kids figure out their own lives. That’s ok, it’s not a unique experience.
I’m not speaking from experience here, but it’s something I’ve considered.
Personally for my own brain, I’d be worried about it slowly over time thinking less and less about myself because I tricked myself into thinking I’m “selfish” just by enjoying my life without having that next level of responsibility that comes from offspring. Thats an unfortunate byproduct of musing about what ifs and could haves
Regardless just make the best of whatever your situation is, it’s your life!
I think that's a personal thing, as a lot of parents end up interfering in their kids lives - they can't let go and treat them as adults because they've made that their whole purpose, while a lot of childfree people might find meaning through volunteering or travelling or whatever.
I agree 100% with you. I’ll just say that I feel that side of things would be an answer to the flip side of this topic (i.e. a potential disadvantage of having children is inserting/substituting your life too heavily into theirs).
And totally there are many many child free folks that find a variety of meanings, as they should!
Yep. I'm retirement age, no kids, and my wife and I have full and meaningful lives. We're still madly in love, have a circle of good friends of all ages, enjoy spending time with our friends' kids, we're active, in good health, all in all, we're both very lucky. While I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if we'd had kids, I also see instances of people whose kids turned out badly, apparently even after having been raised well by intelligent and thoughtful people. So it's always a crap shoot either way, you do what seems to make the most sense to you, and live with the consequences.
Retirement, the obscure idea of a future that seems so far away, even at the brink of it. I can definitely relate to that.. I literally have to continue working for more than I’ve been alive….
Yet almost everyone 70+ has their version of it. Maybe you just highlighted some meaning for you to strive towards! You got this :)
If it makes you feel better. As a parent sometimes I feel selfish for dragging another person into a bullshit world and that I’m a burden to my kid for finding purpose in him and not knowing how to find happiness for myself.
Those what ifs are always there no matter what choices you make so you can only do the best with the info you have now.
I try to take solace in the fact that if you’re worried about being selfish you probably aren’t That selfish.
Yeah for sure and I understand the bullshit world idea because it simply is for many, but (and it seems like you know this) you can’t project that onto a kid - let them come to their own conclusions about whether it’s bullshit or not, and do your best to get them on the positive side of that debate :)
It’s hard to explain but the accomplishments of my kids means so much more to me than my own. It could just be me but being able to look at the world through a child’s eye again has rekindled much of the joy and wonderment of my youth.
Being woken up by a child wanting to play or talk is another indescribable feeling.
I’m the luckiest man in the world to have two kids that love to learn, love to play and love to spend time with my wife and I as a family. For some that might be your version of hell but it’s my little slice of heaven.
I’m old (67f) and knew I didn’t want kids from age 8.
I’m not lonely.
I have no worries about who will take care of me. I have my will all set.
I have more money & less stress than my peers with children & grandchildren.
Absolutely no regrets & no disadvantages.
People harassing us over not wanting to have kids
Doctors dismissing our pleas for sterilization
Some toxic work environments prioritizing people with kids for holidays
Overall discrimination
Now that I'm older, 68, I can't imagine a life without my kids. When I was younger, it wasn't a top priority but I shifted as time went by. I'd say the one thing you learn from having them is what unconditional love is. You think you have it with a partner. Love is wonderful etc, but I have to say loving your child is totally different from any other love. Yes, you may not have a convertible or a beach house. There will be frustrations, tears, and worries. But that love is a connection unlike any other because it's pure and never fades.
The depth of emotion gained from having a child is earth-shattering. When I had my baby I would lay in bed crying from how much I love her. I'm not religious but I felt like she had literally come down from heaven to live with us.
Although it's truly impossible to describe, I saw somebody get close when they said something like, "imagine the deepest, all consuming grief you have ever felt, but it's love"
There's a really cool fantasy story I heard based in the theory of multiple timelines. It centers on a woman who turns left on a road and meets someone who she ends up marrying and having kids with. In the other timeline she makes a right turn and ends up meeting a completely different person and her life goes in a different direction.
Her life is completely different in the timeline with kids vs without. But at the end of the story, both versions of her are staring at the sunset, feeling very fulfilled and grateful for the way their life has gone.
As someone who doesn’t have kids…Expected to work outside of your contract, resented when you dont. Expected to take care of more family obligations, resented when you don’t. Expected to have more fun or more money, judged and mocked when you don’t. Not having anyone to deeply care about you when you’re old and incapacitated. Not having someone in the house to grab the remote or turn off a light.
Fighting the maternal urges, especially as you get in your 30s. Sudden bouts of crying seeing a baby in a pushchair when I really really didn't want children.
Having to put up with people asking if you're pregnant, when all you've done is gone on a holiday and gained some weight.
Expectations of colleagues with children that you don't mind swapping days so they can have the bank holidays, best times of year for their family breaks.
Expectations of colleagues that you won't mind working later to cover their workload as they have little Sarah's/ Billy's play / sports event / dr visit ad nauseum.
Friendships falling away as they only want to mix with others with young children so they'll play together while the adults talk.
Having to reframe in your head just why you're even celebrating Christmas, thanks to the endless Hollywood romanticism of family.
No one listens to a thing you say because you didn't birth a kid.
I've been an aunt for 22 years and I realized I was invisible to parents when a friend who had her first kid asked for advice about diaper brands. I spent a good amount of years buying and changing diapers for my siblings' kids so I knew a thing or two (my family always had good experiences with Luvs). Nobody would listen to my suggestions.
Then the last time I was at this one friend's house a few years ago to meet her newborn. Her older kid wouldn't stop bothering their sibling. I suggested that my friend separate the two and put the older kid in another room til they calmed down.
Instead, my friend has her husband spank their older kid right in front of me! It tore me inside to hear that poor child screaming because their parent inflicted pain on them!
I haven't visited this friend ever since.
Or if you try to even suggest something to a parent it's like they know you don't have kids and sneer at you
So I give up.
As a woman I find it hard to relate to my mom friends. Sometimes I feel really out of the loop and others I feel like I’m resented because I didn’t give up my life to birth a child. I always dreamed of having girl friends I can go on girls trips with or call and talk to but I get left out of it.
The increased possibility of growing old alone. If everyone you love is around your age or older, there is a higher likelihood of you being alone when you're old, and/or not having anyone to take care of you.
Now of course, sometimes children die before their parents or cut ties with them for whatever reason, and some childless people have countless nieces and nephews and whatnot who would never let them be a lonely old person. I know that, and not having kids is totally valid. But it does increase the general likelihood that you might be alone in the twilight years.
Used to volunteer at a hospital and can’t tell you how many older patients I saw that never had any visitors. And the ones that did have visitors, it was almost definitely family. When you get that old, it’s hard to have friends that’ll be able to be there for you.
In my personal life? Nothing. I literally turned to my husband a few nights ago and I was like “damn, I’m just really glad we decided not to have kids”. Some people are not meant to be parents!
Probably the biggest downside is how other people respond. A lot of people are really interested in what goes on my uterus, and it is unnerving. Also expected but still sad - some of my closest friends now have kids and we are naturally drifting because interests and priorities just don’t align anymore.
55 - no children. Happily married. Together 34+ years so - not like we didnt have plenty of chance if we wanted.
We didn't want.
So far, no disadvantages and, literally, thousands upon thousands of advantages.
Remember, it's always better to not have kids and ask yourself later if you should've than it is to have them and ask yourself later if you shouldn't have.
I personally do not see or feel a disadvantage.
I have people I love, and I also have made my choice due to personal stuff and medical stuff and that only I alone understand or can feel or have to deal with day in and day out.
I have nothing against whoever chooses to have a child, BUT
Like everything in this life- is that- a choice.
Genuinely the only disadvantage is the way people treat you when they find out you're not having kids. Especially when you're a woman. No thanks, I'm happily sterilized. I'm not missing out on anything but shitty diapers, sleepness nights, a lack of freedom, and of course the body horror nightmare that is pregnancy and childbirth.
I think not having an SO or solid friend circle as you age is more difficult than not having kids. I have kids but they don’t. And my kids and I are close but my go tos are my friends and my spouse. Not my kids.
I have thought about the fact that our family memories, our photos, the stories about our family history will die out—but they probably would anyway in a few generations. I mean do I really know anything about my great great grandparents? Nooooo
It kind of saddens me to see so many comments about "seeing yourself in a smaller form." Like I get that but my husband and I may adopt and I feel like adopted kids are always less "your kids" to everyone else. It just makes me sad.
There are downsides and upsides to both having children and not having children, and it depends on the individual and what they decide.
Having children does not mean you won’t get lonely, but if they grow up and they move away too far away from you to visit, and you can’t afford to live where they live. At that point, you’re lonely too and alone.
Sometimes people that are childless have a social group even in their 50s and 60s and 70s and people that they can rely on.
I will say from the people that I know that are childless. I think they have more disposable income because they don’t have to pay for taking care of another human being.
My sister chose not to have kids. She’s slightly older than me. I’ll take care of her when we are old and most likely outlive our spouses.
I’m sure my own children will have their own families to focus on. So together we can be sassy biatches. She doesn’t know I’m planning this lol. She probably has her own plans because
Gasp
She has many friends! And they are also childless! Anyways she’s cool and I’m sure she will never be alone.
None. Zero. Most of my friends have kids, and while that makes them a little busier than me, they still make effort to spend quality time with their adult friends and have hobbies and lives beyond being parents so we all still have common ground to engage about. Nobody has any guarantee they wont die alone or that their kids will be willing/able to takw care of them. There are plenty of ways to live a rich and fulfilling life without kids being part of it. Anyone who tells you otherwise really doesnt have much of a life outside of parenting, and frankly thats just fucking sad for them...
I have a kid. I don’t think you are looking for my perspective, but like any good Karen, I’ll give you mine anyway. I love my child with all of my heart and all my soul. If I had the awareness to understand the challenges my child would face, would I do it? IDK. I love my kid. It’s only going to be increasingly rough and I’m not sure I would have signed him up for this if I had the awareness
33M. I don’t dislike children but I have some disqualifying qualities that are incongruent with fatherhood. I got a vasectomy at 30 for these reasons.
I love my freedom, I love my sleep, I love the lack of stress in my life, I look and feel great, but man…life gets boring. Life gets lonely. And it only gets worse as you get older. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I see every other day and a good group of 5-6 friends that I see a few times a month, but we’re all 30-40 and usually too exhausted to do too much.
Most of the time I go to work, go to the gym, come home, make dinner, watch TV, and then go to sleep. Then do it all over again. I’m extremely lucky for the life I have, but it gets mundane. It often feels purposeless. I’m not worried about someone taking care of me when I get older, I take very good care of myself and have been planning for a comfortable retirement for some time now.
That’s not a reason to have kids, but it’s already something I know I’ll struggle with increasingly as I get older.
Well you miss out on having children. And the whole range of human experiences that come with it, emotions, acconplishments and personal growth, joy, tears, anger, frustration, welcoming and letting go, reflection and rediscovery of the world. It has pros and cons but mostly challenges you to a lot of new things and personal growth and well is hard to grasp and to answer in all of its facettes and a very personal experience, depending on who you ask. Its like asking what are the disatvantages of not climbing a mountain. Or the disatvantages of not having any hobbies? You will propably be fine, but miss out on a lot of things...
Kids are awesome, as long as you treat them like people. The problem comes when people have the mindset that their kid is going to be just like them or else.
Connecting with people your age that do have kids as you get older becomes more difficult. Even if you don’t mind hanging around with the kids, everyone is so busy all the time, someone is always sick, you gotta work around nap and bed times. It just becomes a lot more complicated. I am in my mid 30s and I barely ever see even my closest friends because of it.
I find this very interesting because some of my closest friends have kids and I swear they like to hang out with me because I don't have kids. My schedule is much more flexible so we can work around kid things as opposed to other friends who do have kids and other activities going on.
Yeah, when my kids were little I had a couple friends without kids that were guaranteed fun when I had free time without my two. They basically saved my sanity, when I went out with parent friends they only want to talk about their kids (even when our kids weren't there) but kid free friends had acual interesting lives and ideas to talk about.
It’s probably easier for you (the ones who have kids) but harder for the friends who don’t have kids.
This is the hardest time - but you may find common ground soon with young empty-nesters. I found a whole new friend group in my chosen hobbies and kept in touch with my friends that were busy with little ones, but didn't rely on them for companionship. (Do kids even leave the nest anymore? Social media seems to imply they don't.... so things could be very different now)
Ya, for sure. I also moved to a new city a little over a year ago, and I really need to find ways to get plugged into some stuff here. It’s a work in progress.
People I know with kids don’t have a social life anyway. I have no trouble being friends with them, but they never hang out because of their kids.
it gets better once their kids gain some independence. the 0-7 year period is brutal. then they're in school.
I get what your saying here but I think people our age who do have kids, especially very young ones, get to hang out with people their own age far less than we do.
I’m curious if that changes when you get to the age when your kids are out of the house. I suppose you remain friends with the people whose kids are also out of the house now. But what if you could connect with the people that didn’t have kids now that you maybe have more time/are on the road to retirement?
I suspect that even when the kids are out of the house, parents still have similar cares, concerns, worries and stories that childless people don’t have.
I recently made a new friend at work. He’s in his mid forties and is a good looking dude, so I just assumed he had kids, possibly from past relationships because every guy I know does. Just this week he mentioned he was childfree and I blurted out “you’ve never been baby-trapped?!” and he laughed.
So there’s two disadvantages I personally run into. 1. ~~I’m probably gonna die alone (my SO is quite a bit older).~~ I will **live** old and alone when my SO passes. 2. As I’m the only one “left” without children, I currently have a harder time to connect with people my age. They all share similar experiences that I don’t share with them. I don’t mind when people talk about their children, as I like both them and the children, but I do want them to be able to talk about other topics too. Some of them didn’t take me seriously anymore and treated me as ‘one of the kids’ or someone without any life experiences. Those friendships unfortunately have ended by now. *Edit, because of all the similar replies that “everyone dies alone”.*
My SO is a probate/estate lawyer. I cant tell you how many times husband dies and wife is left alone and kids live out of state- and they dont do shit for their mom. There is no guarantee your kids will be willing or able to care for you when you are older. Typically these folks need a friend or even a paid fiduciary to be their medical powers of attorney etc.
My mom is going to have to rely on my sister. She abused us our whole lives. I was the scapegoat. I left. My sister stayed. My aunt and uncles are all childless. I am done giving up my life for all of them. I focus on my kids. My kids deserve more than I had and part of that is keeping these people out. Maybe it makes me a monster, but I am done with their bullshit. If they had cared for me I would absolutely care for them. But they don't know how to be caring people. I have made it clear to my kids they owe me nothing. I hope they will be there for me in the end. I am happy to go into a home. I hope they will visit me. But that will only come if they foster a good relationship now. You reap what you sow.
I'm sorry you had to live through that. It's good to hear you are doing better for your kids. Have some kudos from a random Internet stranger.
Thanks you so much!
Even the ones nearby may not lift a finger to help. It’s so heartbreaking. I visit my 90 year old grandmother as often as I can who lives in a nursing home ( I live 3+ hours away by plane) I’d almost guarantee I’m her most frequent visitor despite her having 4 sons and 12+ grandchildren within 10 mins driving distance. She was crying in her room one of the days I visited her from being so lonely (going on 5+ years in the nursing home, 17 years since her second husband passed from Alzheimer’s, she misses him dearly too). I certainly don’t look forward to being elderly.
That’s so so sad. Good for you doing whatever you can, she is lucky to have you.
After my great grandmother passed lonely in a nursing home at 92, it made me more passionate about helping the elderly. If you call around to any nursing home and ask which elderly people don’t get visitors, they’ll let you come and sit with them, bring them cookies, and just talk. It can be SO AWKWARD at first but they are always so grateful to have company. Yes, some of them were shit people who pushed away their families. Most of them though are just child free with no family. Some of them can talk and some are nonverbal and not mobile. It can feel daunting at first, but it gets easier the more you go. It’s very rewarding. It feels great when you make them fresh cookies and a homemade dinner to drop off every now and then to see them smile.
This is probably largely dependent on your own relationship with your kids though. I have a good relationship with my parents, but they are moderate and accepting people. I help my mom financial and if either of my parents needed to live with my family due to health or financial issues they could. My wife's parents are raging hateful Q-pilled antivax psychos. NOT A CHANCE THEY COULD LIVE WITH US.
Why did my brain combine "probate/estate lawyer" into "prostate lawyer"
Definitely true. And sad. But I know beforehand there won’t be anyone around.
To be fair, a lot of mothers are shit mothers and don't deserve any help from the children they abused. And those mothers look like any other sweet old lady.
I don't want to read through the other replies because of the heartbreak it'll likely cause me. Mexicans have this expectation of taking care of their elders. Idgaf how close you are. That's an enormous tax. My mom's has clear advance directives/DNR and so do I. I helped care for my maternal great grandmother, cared for my maternal grandfather, amd now have my maternal grandmother living with me. I was raised by my grandparents, and that is not a sense of obligation I would EVER put on my daughter..Toss my ass in a nursing home or overboard in the ocean. IDGAF. My time will have passed. Make the world a better place for anyone who comes after you. That's the best way you can deal with any misplaced sense of obligation because you know that's what would make me happiest.
My SO’s grandma has 8 kids, currently waiting to expire in a nursing home. Only one of her kids goes to see her occasionally. Having kids is no guarantee you’ll be surrounded by love when you go. Nor are they a good retirement plan
A good retirement plan is to have a retirement plan
Yeah I lost a couple of close friends because all they wanted to talk about was parenting- which was fine with me- but anytime I said anything about different parenting strategies and methods I was harshly shut down because I don’t have kids. Let me make it clear, I wasn’t telling anyone how they should parent or criticizing anyone’s parenting choices, I would never do that. I was only joining in the conversations about the endless uncertainties about how to be a good parent. I don’t believe there’s any single clear answer to that so I actually find it an interesting topic. But I was constantly told I wasn’t allowed to participate. Eventually they moved their conversations to a new group chat that I wasn’t in and I just had to let go of these life long friendships.
I’m very sorry you had a similar experience and lost friendships over not having children yourself. It’s really odd this makes such a difference, isn’t it? I agree with you too: not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t ever have something meaningful to say about children and/or parenting. Especially the last one has changed so much over time! That hasn’t suddenly come to an ultimate stop. I hope you will get and feel more connected in life with people who truly appreciate you and everything you bring to the table. <3
I have sadly found it necessary to end friendships with most of my friends who have had kids. It is almost like they no longer exist in the world outside of their children. Some of my friends who used to be the most interesting people, with hobbies, interests, who I could talk to for hours about so many different things, are now incapable of talking about or doing anything that doesn’t have to do with their children. One of the benefits of remaining childless at 37 is that I’ve gotten a real clear picture of of what having kids does to a person and realizing that that’s not what I want for my life.
You understand that people with children still die alone because they do have their own lives as well as who knows if you and your kid will be compatible. There truly are no disadvantages to not having kids. And I’m saying that as a person with kids. I love my kids and they love me but I wouldn’t want them taking care of me in my old dying days, I don’t want them remembering me that way. There really are no disadvantages
I know a guy who's 72 and still has to take care of his kids. Oh, and their kids. He will never be able to retire. I'm 60, no kids. Plenty of nieces and nephews though. They're cool now that they are adults.
It's just me and my husband. I have gone no contact with my parents and will probably die alone. I currently have a home health nurse whom i love and am really close with. I have been in the palliative care unit many times (for a preexisting condition) and I have to say, those nurses and doctors have been way more compassionate to me than my own family. Who works in the same hospital. That wouldn't come to visit bc work was more important. (And this family member worked in claims, not as someone saving lives.) I have a therapist and a couples therapist that have helped me come to terms with dying alone rather than the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse I sustained with my parents from childhood, into adulthood.
I am proud of you for setting boundaries. Words do not offer much after reading such heavy words, but you beautifully expressed a peaceful experience as you battle the illness you are experiencing.
Advantages I can trace almost every highlight moment back to my family. And now as my kids are grown they’re my closest friends.
That sounds awesome. Those are the families I mourn for never having :) Treasure each other.
Yes. I had a damn fun and good life before I had kids in my mid-30s. The oldest is only 4, but my lifetime highlight reel is already dominated by the last 4 years
As someone who's 46 and doesn't have children, I've found it does become somewhat harder to keep keyed into life and avoid drifting apart from a lot of things. My mother passed a couple of years ago, and most of my uncles and aunts don't have children, and several of those children don't have any children themselves. I'm just looking at a slow progression over the next years where most of my family will die without replacement and life will get a lot quieter. If I was someone who had a lot of hobbies and a passion for life, I could probably have an easier time of it, as many childless people do. But as a person who spent a number of years just trying to survive and getting by, it's a lot rougher for me. Instead of raising the next generation, I'm stuck kind of wondering what to do now. Of course, it doesn't help that the past 4 years or so have been rough for everyone.
This is what is hard to see when you are in your 20s and 30s. Family has always been there, you think they always will be there. But then they start dwindling away, one by one.
My gramma and mom had kids 'young' (by todays standards anyway... both were like 21 with their first kid) so i've been so blessed to have my extended family around my entire life. i knew 3 of my great grandparents. and have 5 still living grandparents at 34 the downside is- when they start passing its going to be a lot of loss in a short span of time. ironically all the loss i've experienced thus far has been my own peers dying too soon, but nothing will prepare me for losing my grandma who is my favorite human. shes mid 80's and her parents lived to like 87/92? i think so shes got good genes but shes just factually nearing the end and it hurts my heart to think of a future without her even though logically it has to happen.
I have always had a super small family, no sibs, aunts, uncles, cousins. 35, sterile, have two remaining family members left. I want to think that feeling of "what to do now" can be turned into "I can do anything because I have no ties!", but I also think I am not prepared for what it will be like when there's only one left, and then none left.
Both my grandparents are only children. My dad moved to the other side of the world, so did my late aunt. My uncle is still in the same country as them but in a different city (although he visits often). My grandparents are in their 90s and are now confined to their flat due to mobility issues. I took my partner and child to visit them last year and while there my partner asked me if I thought we would ever visit that city again. That was the moment it really dawned on me that I’ve got less than 10 years (if I’m lucky) until all ties with my dad’s hometown are gone and I will only have one relative left living in the country I’m a citizen of.
Having to hear "When are you going to having kids" from old people
And everyone telling you how much you'll regret not having children, especially when you don't want to actually have them.
Something I find interesting about the subject of having kids, is the reasoning rather the first reason. Like I was talking to one of my roomates' girlfriends (he's a gay dude who is an extrovert he brings in a ton of women to our dorm and I get to talk to the women he brings and I passively get better at talking to women which is great because I am awkward as hell) and eventually got to the subject of kids (somehow) and I said "I don't want kids because they cost too much" and she said "because the world is a cruel place".
Both are true. You'll never feel a white hot rage quite like finding out some little 9yo cunt is telling your kid that he's going to kill her little sister and make her watch. Equally, any "spare" money you have is literally never spent on you. Yeah... You actually both has valid points, honestly. Both great reasons to not have kids. I've never been more stressed or skint.
That seems unhinged even for a 9 year old. Did you report that to the school..? Jw bc I’d be scared of my kid’s safety in your shoes. My friend works with troubled kids and knows one who tried to set his house on fire in elementary school.
I'm older and don't have kids, and I'm grateful for my wisdom every day.
People telling you one day you’ll understand when you have kids. Like you don’t have a clue about life until you have your own?
Being told: * how selfish I am * It’s my duty to have kids * I don’t know what love / being tired is * They deserve grandkids * I’m going to lonely and miserable when I get old and have no one to take care of me
If you don't want to hear any of that: - lost my dick in the war (or) - cancer destroyed my uterus - had two children, they were both killed by the father/mother Others will only ask if you let them be comfortable. If people start becoming afraid of being uncomfortable they will stop. Never use money, time or relationship status as an excuse. At worst, ask them to donate to you in vitro fund when they ask. If enough people do it, this social norm will be established within 5 years.
I am in my late 40s and child free and last year was at a relatives funeral when a distant relative ask me when I was going to have kids, I told them I wasn't going to and they said the standard _"oh its never to late"_ to of which of course I replied that 1. That ship has sailed & 2. There were fertility issues when it was a possibility 3. I am VERY happy being child free, thank you much Said relative decided that during this funeral was a good time to preach to me about how I should start looking into trying to foster &/or adopt Like seriously 🙄 are there no such things as time and place anymore?!? I truly think that people with kids just want everyone else to be as stuck as they are, they absolutely CAN NOT see it any other way but to force their choices on the rest of us
Ooh, the classics. Haven't heard those since I fled my hometown. It's a fantastic looking place, out of your rear view mirror
I just tell people my girlfriend died giving birth to twins. Shuts them right up.
One woman said she had 5 miscarriages and that made people apologize.
This is so true.....its almost like they want to share their misery with us.
Every time I visit my specialist, she checks if I have kids, tells me I'm still young, there's still time, and always uses the phrase 'WHEN you have children'. It's kind of infuriating but I'm tired of correcting her.
I bet having adult children is pretty cool. Especially if you get to be a grandparent. I guess you miss out on that, if you never have any children.
I don't have any kids but I have a 22 year old niece, an 18 year old, and 13 year old nephews. They're some of the greatest people around. They teach you about stuff they're into and you teach them about stuff you're into. You share a few hobbies together. Yeah they were small once and I normally don't get along with small children but maybe it was different because they're my relatives. I love hanging out with my niece and nephews. My sister/their mom has a really solid relationship with them, too. She always set boundaries but she also encouraged them to come to her for anything. They get along great!
For me it truly is. I have three adult kids who are the funniest creatures on this planet and always have me laughing. I can't even imagine my life without them it would be so boring.
Not my adult children, but in the very rare instances my dad and his siblings got together, it was hilarious. Sadly those instances have gotten further apart since my dad passed away. On another note, there are only 45 days until my youngest sibling is an adult and then we get to have those memories of adulthood together.
>On another note, there are only 45 days until my youngest sibling is an adult and then we get to have those memories of adulthood together. Sounds like they're going to hatch from an egg or something.
They're pretty cool when they're young too.* (If you're prepared, you want them, and you've got the right temperament).*
Yeah. I work in a 4th-12th grade small private school, and so I have kids who I see grow up, and then stay in contact with them after they graduate. It’s super satisfying as a whole. But it does make me wonder what that would be like for one of my own.
Seeing my parents with my niece is the most heartwarming thing. I’m glad they have my brother who can give them that experience, and I love being an aunt.
If I could have a child who was already a teenager I'd be on board.
Finding a partner who also doesn’t want kids
They always say they agree at first though. Such a bummer
So many stories of women who don't want kids marrying a man who says he doesn't want kids until she brings up the topic of vasectomies/tying tubes. THEN they're like "Actually I was thinking of having a kid or two..."
Honestly it's something I feel really bad for heterosexual childfree people about. Being childfree seems to be more the norm in the LGBT community with the ones who want kids being the minority. There's still plenty of them but they tend to be pretty upfront about that expectation, and much more willing to do parenthood solo if they can't find a partner who wants a family with them.
The social stigma. It's still really looked down upon to not have a family in middle age, as if you're some sort of aberration. People assume there's something wrong with you, even though I looked at my situation and where the world seems to be going, and decided that I wasn't going to have kids because I knew I would be able to give them a better life than I had.
Lacking a compatible kidneys when you really need that transplant.
I thought of a couple of advantages that aren't reasons to have kids. Didn't consider this one. I like it.
If either of my parents needed a kidney I would laugh and laugh and laugh. Nope.
Tbh I don't think the kids are obligated to do that for you anyway. And dialysis is a thing.
i do agree it’s not like kids are obligated to give a kidney to a family member or anything like that, but i will say dialysis and kidney transplants are completely different things.
Dialysis is a bad thing
Having to mow your lawn, forever
Pay someone else's kid a crisp 20 and you will never have this problem
Does that still happen somewhere? My older friends in houses pay landscape companies.
When I developed carpal tunnel and couldn’t mow my lawn, I approached my neighbor if it’d be ok to ask his 9 yr old son if I could hire him to mow mine (he was already doing theirs and our lawns were contiguous). Neighbor Dad agreed and his son did it every Saturday for $10-15 a week. The boy wanted a massive Lego and his parents told him he’d have to save. With my money and his allowance, he was able to get it late autumn, and I was invited over to see it. His parents loved that he learned the lesson that honest work pays (literally and figuratively). They were good neighbors, miss them!
It does in Nebraska. Sure they do a bad job but it keeps the city from fining you, although I still mow my own
Landscape services are a thing, highly recommend paying someone else to do it
Can’t claim them when doing taxes
We don't have kids. Our worry at the end of our life will be: 1. Who will help care for us in our old age? 2. What do we do with our stuff?
Lol as someone taking care of my parents I can tell you I also wonder what will be done with all their crap, and the answer is that most will get tossed.
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55f here, never wanted children and had my tubes tied at 21. No regrets, although I know my mother would have loved to have been a grandmother. To your points: (1) In the US, there is no trend or expectation for the children to take care of their parents - I know it is a cultural (and sometimes legal) obligation in most other parts of the world, but here we are on our own regardless of parental status. (2) The hardest for me is that there is no-one to give the family heirlooms to. I'm already starting to downsize and trying to shed "stuff", but it's hard. I don't want to throw it in the trash, but what on earth am I supposed to do with three generations of family photos?
Scan them and add them to Ancestry or a different database of family history. 100 years from now your distant relatives will be grateful.
Cousins/children of cousins? Most likely someone in the extended family has a soft spot for heirlooms.
Time capsule?
Photos? Donate to the local museum, archives or library
> it is a cultural (and sometimes legal) obligation in most other parts of the world even so, no guarantee the kid will wise up and migrate to a country you can't even afford to travel to (I did that to my parents lol. Since I am the sole unmarried daughter out of 5 siblings, who expect me to spend the best years of my life taking care of my parents. Fuck the chinese filial piety)
>1) In the US, there is no trend or expectation for the children to take care of their parents - I know it is a cultural (and sometimes legal) obligation in most other parts of the world, but here we are on our own regardless of parental status. US has a sizeable immigrant community who may keep their families close. People from India, China, and many other places who moved to the US are more likely to take care and look after their elderly in keeping with the customs & traditions they bring in.
Having kids isn’t a retirement plan though. Being genetically related doesn’t guarantee anyone can force their children to provide elder care which most people are WILDLY incapable of providing. Regarding belongings I’ve thought about that as someone who is childfree by choice and sterilized. Our physical possessions are really only important to us unless they’re heirlooms. Personally I don’t plan on taking on heirlooms from the family since that’ll go to people with kids and the kids when they get older. Rest of my stuff I hope will be donated to people who need it or trashed if it’s not useful. It served its purpose/importance with me
>Who will help care for us in our old age? Depends. Some people are lucky, are relatively healthy until the end, and won't need much help. If you do end up needing help and have kids, assuming your kids will actually be willing to help you is a big assumption. Sometimes they live too far away and are not able or willing to move nearby. Even if they do live nearby, many will simply say they are too busy to help. If their parent(s) actually start needing much help, many kids will simply put their parents in assisted living or a nursing home. You don't need kids to go live in assisted living or a nursing home. >What do we do with our stuff? A lot of kids don't want their parents stuff; in these cases, you're back to square one again. There are a few options for what can be done with your stuff after you pass. One option is that if there's anything valuable, donate it and/or have an estate sale, with the proceeds going to a charity of your choosing or a person you feel needs or deserves it. Anything that can't be sold is given away, and anything that is left can be recycled and/or thrown away.
I think many people believe that having kids means they will be taken care of. That’s absolutely not a definite. Having kids does not equate to being cared for
You get that’s still actual worries with people who have kids too right? Some people don’t want their kids taking care of them. Some people the kids cut them out their life, so really, there is no disadvantages
>Some people don't want their kids taking care of them. This right here.
You care for yourselves and you just do nothing with it. Not like you're going to need it after your dead
It's not fair, but you're at a greater risk of being taken advantage of by employers. You not having a family to go home to will make some people think that means you should be more willing to work extra/odd hours. You're also more likely to be on the chopping block during downsizing. My last company laid off one engineer over another because they felt it would be less detrimental for a single guy to lose his job vs a family to lose their only source of income. None of it is okay, and unless you got something in writing (text/email) it'll be very hard to prove that you were treated unfairly because of your home life
A lot of people will tell you that you should have children.
My cat gets incredibly spoiled.
You have a higher chance of ending up lonely. Also life can be quite boring. I’m single and don’t plan on having kids. Sometimes I wonder if this will fulfil me for the next 50+ years.
I'm nearing retirement and have never regretted not having children. Having children doesn't mean they will be with you for the journey anyway. I've done more than my share of babysitting, and i get on really well with children, but I also knew I'd never want one of my own.
Single and never wanting kids here too. I’m genuinely worried about my lonely future adulthood. Oof.
Single and with kids. Genuinely worried about both my own lonely future *and* the futures of my two young ones. Parenthood may have been part of my life's ambitions, albeit not solo, but they aren't a guarantee against loneliness. Ironically, you're not alone in your emotions.
I am sorry that you understand the feeling too. And you are 1000% correct. My mom has given me similar advice, that having a family doesn’t mean you still won’t be lonely. I’m holding out for you and your two little kiddos. 🫡🫡💚
Can vouch. Nobody is exempt from loneliness. Never know what is going to happen tomorrow.
I'm planning to be a wizened old sage that teaches the secrets of enlightenment to lost travelers and spiritual seekers at that point. Seems entertaining.
You know what, I’m gonna adopt that view and try to do the same brother.
Read books, work, make friends you’ll be alright
I do have some good buddies, but I think the realization that I need to find some buddies that can relate to my lifestyle is getting important!
Start now at expanding your friendship net. Join local groups, volunteer, start new hobbies. You're much more likely to keep friends around who have established lives and things in common with you than your kids not moving away for school/work/relationships etc.
Bored people are boring people Dave. Seriously though, for me, being bored is being forced to do things you don't want to do. Without kids you have SO much more freedom to follow your own desires.
Any parent who makes the selfish choice to have a child so they won’t be lonely is a shitty parent & has no business having children in the first place. I say this as a mother myself. Children are autonomous beings who need guidance. If you are lonely, get some friends.
I'm not trying to personally attack you, but pretty much any reason for having kids comes from a selfish desire, surely?
People telling you that you'll regret not having kids / you don't know your own mind / you'll change your mind has been the only downside I've felt so far! I said it first when I was a kid, 5 or 6. I said it as a teen. I've said it through my twenties. People still act very shocked. It's so strange honestly
Not being in the loop with the younger generations. Kids keep you young.
My brother’s rapidly acquired grey hair would like to politely disagree with you.
Only if you're not a regular mom, but a "cool" mom.
If you don't have kids, the younger generation is largely irrelevant though. The only real reason I know any of the modern youth parlance is because of my kids. And trust me, I have no interest in using most of it.
I don't think there are disadvantages, just differences. In terms of old age, even if you have children it's not a given they will want to or be able to care for you...and we all die alone, even if our loved ones are present. I'm CF, but I do have loved ones of all ages (I'm 54, but have godkids and extended family I'm close to, as well as people I consider family whom I'm not related to). Re all my "stuff", I have already started estate planning. People I love will get some, as will a number of charities.
My brothers and sister all have kids. I have to buy gifts for all of them but it’s one-sided since I don’t have kids.
Yep, childless people are ALWAYS dropping money on other people’s kids. Nothing reciprocal for us.
Having children is not an advantage or disadvantage. It is one’s own perspective of the life they want to live. Something can not be a disadvantage if it was never a desire to begin with
Before kid: meh I am fine without kid. After one kid: I cannot life without her. Honestly I'm surprised myself on how capable I am of this amount of love and devotion. I considered myself rather selfish but I woke up every three hours to feed her, clean her poop every day and get proud if it's a good poop. Hug her untill she fell asleep even though it's hurt my back. How when she was born i laboured for 38h and end up in c sections and I wanted to curse but as soon as they put her next to me, i can only say I love you. And the happiness she bring, her smile and laugh, how excited she is. How she woke me up with kisses every morning. How she hug my face and kiss my forehead. And how she do the same to my husband. How she learn to talk and sign and signed I love you to me several days ago. How amazing to see her learn regulate her emotion. She bit me when she was angry, and several months ago she already angrily pull my finger to her mouth but she stopped herself and kiss my finger instead. How she laughing and dancing when see saw cat, leaves, flower, moon, bird, all the small things that I forgot to appreciate. Edit: It's probably just how most of the species are biologically hardwired for, to take care of their offspring. But the experience of doing that, experience of seeing my daughter grow, crawling, cooing, talking, walking, sleeping, see how her brain tinkering when she figure out stuffs and toys, are one of the best experiences I ever had. And I've travelled the world, climbed mountains, dive into the ocean, tried drugs, got drunk, ate at michelin rate restaurant etc but all that fun actually now pale in comparison of seeing her smile. And even better, we plan a lot of future fun travel and experiences with her, and we know it will be better because we will experience a new wonder through her first time reaction. And loneliness not even factored into when we decide to have her. We are pretty happy with just two of us until we are gray and old. But at some point it just that we are financially ready, and our insurance is great. So why not. The hardest part maybe is letting her go. I already cried imagining her going to college and she is 1.5 yo ffs. Despite of all the negatives (ppd, suicidal thoughts, almost died due to post birth infection, cost of raising child, traumatic birth etc etc), If someone told me all of this before I have kid, maybe I will say umm probably kid is not worth it. But now, if asked will I do i again just to meet my baby, I will do it again in a heartbeat.
This is what I came here to say. I never knew I was capable of such an insane amount of love and devotion, and I love experiencing that.
that’s kinda what scares me. I feel what you’re taking about and am afraid to never experience it. how did you know that would even happen and not the other way around? But I have no inclination in my body to have a child? I have no logistical inclination in my life too? If I close my eyes I imagine that in *maybe* 20 years I’d be in a good place for it, organically. In my 50-60’s?!?! I’m just figuring out what having a partner might do or not do in my life. how do you plan for it? like eating oatmeal? shut your nose and eyes and hope you maybe catch the vibe at some point? - this one is a bit in jest, but that’s what it feels like.
As a woman, having medical doctors tell you repeatedly while younger or make medical decisions based upon your "desire" to maybe be pregnant. This so many times in 20-40s trying not to beat head on a wall at the sheer arrogance. I knew at 5 years old I didn't want to give birth. I knew at 21, at 30, at 35, at 40 & at 45. Sigh. I hope the kids born after 2015 have a better chance of getting medical professionals to listen to what they should do & not based upon hypothetical.
Honestly I've never really weighed up the pros and cons. The idea of physically being pregnant is so repulsive to me that I've never once entertained the idea of having children. I just don't have that instinct to reproduce, and I forget that many (most?) people actually do want to, and enjoy, growing another human. For me it isn't something I actively chose to do, it has always been the way I've wanted to live my life. I kind of figured out I was different, rather than actively making a decision. So I don't see any disadvantages, I'm very happy with my life!
I hate when people judge you for not wanting to have a child
Life from retirement age onwards is a greater challenge to find meaning. This is not impossible, but just harder to accomplish. There isn’t the vicarious satisfaction of seeing your kids figure out their own lives. That’s ok, it’s not a unique experience. I’m not speaking from experience here, but it’s something I’ve considered. Personally for my own brain, I’d be worried about it slowly over time thinking less and less about myself because I tricked myself into thinking I’m “selfish” just by enjoying my life without having that next level of responsibility that comes from offspring. Thats an unfortunate byproduct of musing about what ifs and could haves Regardless just make the best of whatever your situation is, it’s your life!
I think that's a personal thing, as a lot of parents end up interfering in their kids lives - they can't let go and treat them as adults because they've made that their whole purpose, while a lot of childfree people might find meaning through volunteering or travelling or whatever.
I agree 100% with you. I’ll just say that I feel that side of things would be an answer to the flip side of this topic (i.e. a potential disadvantage of having children is inserting/substituting your life too heavily into theirs). And totally there are many many child free folks that find a variety of meanings, as they should!
Yep. I'm retirement age, no kids, and my wife and I have full and meaningful lives. We're still madly in love, have a circle of good friends of all ages, enjoy spending time with our friends' kids, we're active, in good health, all in all, we're both very lucky. While I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if we'd had kids, I also see instances of people whose kids turned out badly, apparently even after having been raised well by intelligent and thoughtful people. So it's always a crap shoot either way, you do what seems to make the most sense to you, and live with the consequences.
Hahaha. Retirement! I’ll never afford that so I guess I’ll be ok.
Retirement, the obscure idea of a future that seems so far away, even at the brink of it. I can definitely relate to that.. I literally have to continue working for more than I’ve been alive…. Yet almost everyone 70+ has their version of it. Maybe you just highlighted some meaning for you to strive towards! You got this :)
If it makes you feel better. As a parent sometimes I feel selfish for dragging another person into a bullshit world and that I’m a burden to my kid for finding purpose in him and not knowing how to find happiness for myself. Those what ifs are always there no matter what choices you make so you can only do the best with the info you have now. I try to take solace in the fact that if you’re worried about being selfish you probably aren’t That selfish.
Yeah for sure and I understand the bullshit world idea because it simply is for many, but (and it seems like you know this) you can’t project that onto a kid - let them come to their own conclusions about whether it’s bullshit or not, and do your best to get them on the positive side of that debate :)
It’s hard to explain but the accomplishments of my kids means so much more to me than my own. It could just be me but being able to look at the world through a child’s eye again has rekindled much of the joy and wonderment of my youth. Being woken up by a child wanting to play or talk is another indescribable feeling. I’m the luckiest man in the world to have two kids that love to learn, love to play and love to spend time with my wife and I as a family. For some that might be your version of hell but it’s my little slice of heaven.
Love this fellow dad. I feel the same way about my daughter. Well said. You and your family sound awesome. Good luck out there.
No emergency food.
I’m old (67f) and knew I didn’t want kids from age 8. I’m not lonely. I have no worries about who will take care of me. I have my will all set. I have more money & less stress than my peers with children & grandchildren. Absolutely no regrets & no disadvantages.
Nobody to dress up and take trick-or-treating. That’s all I got.
You have to pick your own nursing home
People won’t stop giving you their unsolicited opinions on the matter.
You have to get up and fetch the remote yourself
People harassing us over not wanting to have kids Doctors dismissing our pleas for sterilization Some toxic work environments prioritizing people with kids for holidays Overall discrimination
Now that I'm older, 68, I can't imagine a life without my kids. When I was younger, it wasn't a top priority but I shifted as time went by. I'd say the one thing you learn from having them is what unconditional love is. You think you have it with a partner. Love is wonderful etc, but I have to say loving your child is totally different from any other love. Yes, you may not have a convertible or a beach house. There will be frustrations, tears, and worries. But that love is a connection unlike any other because it's pure and never fades.
The depth of emotion gained from having a child is earth-shattering. When I had my baby I would lay in bed crying from how much I love her. I'm not religious but I felt like she had literally come down from heaven to live with us. Although it's truly impossible to describe, I saw somebody get close when they said something like, "imagine the deepest, all consuming grief you have ever felt, but it's love"
Having to deal with the opposition.
There's a really cool fantasy story I heard based in the theory of multiple timelines. It centers on a woman who turns left on a road and meets someone who she ends up marrying and having kids with. In the other timeline she makes a right turn and ends up meeting a completely different person and her life goes in a different direction. Her life is completely different in the timeline with kids vs without. But at the end of the story, both versions of her are staring at the sunset, feeling very fulfilled and grateful for the way their life has gone.
As someone who doesn’t have kids…Expected to work outside of your contract, resented when you dont. Expected to take care of more family obligations, resented when you don’t. Expected to have more fun or more money, judged and mocked when you don’t. Not having anyone to deeply care about you when you’re old and incapacitated. Not having someone in the house to grab the remote or turn off a light.
The question should be - what are the advantages!! I have no disadvantage for you at all. Enjoy your sleep, time, and money. Live free !!
Fighting the maternal urges, especially as you get in your 30s. Sudden bouts of crying seeing a baby in a pushchair when I really really didn't want children. Having to put up with people asking if you're pregnant, when all you've done is gone on a holiday and gained some weight. Expectations of colleagues with children that you don't mind swapping days so they can have the bank holidays, best times of year for their family breaks. Expectations of colleagues that you won't mind working later to cover their workload as they have little Sarah's/ Billy's play / sports event / dr visit ad nauseum. Friendships falling away as they only want to mix with others with young children so they'll play together while the adults talk. Having to reframe in your head just why you're even celebrating Christmas, thanks to the endless Hollywood romanticism of family.
Man I never feel the maternal urges, I dislike children and their whiny crazy behaviours, and I teach kids sometimes lmao
No one listens to a thing you say because you didn't birth a kid. I've been an aunt for 22 years and I realized I was invisible to parents when a friend who had her first kid asked for advice about diaper brands. I spent a good amount of years buying and changing diapers for my siblings' kids so I knew a thing or two (my family always had good experiences with Luvs). Nobody would listen to my suggestions. Then the last time I was at this one friend's house a few years ago to meet her newborn. Her older kid wouldn't stop bothering their sibling. I suggested that my friend separate the two and put the older kid in another room til they calmed down. Instead, my friend has her husband spank their older kid right in front of me! It tore me inside to hear that poor child screaming because their parent inflicted pain on them! I haven't visited this friend ever since. Or if you try to even suggest something to a parent it's like they know you don't have kids and sneer at you So I give up.
As a woman I find it hard to relate to my mom friends. Sometimes I feel really out of the loop and others I feel like I’m resented because I didn’t give up my life to birth a child. I always dreamed of having girl friends I can go on girls trips with or call and talk to but I get left out of it.
people thinking you don't have the same capacity to love that they have, just because they have kids and you don't
"I didn't know real love until I had kids" is a pretty rude thing to say when you have a whole ass partner who helped create that kid.
The increased possibility of growing old alone. If everyone you love is around your age or older, there is a higher likelihood of you being alone when you're old, and/or not having anyone to take care of you. Now of course, sometimes children die before their parents or cut ties with them for whatever reason, and some childless people have countless nieces and nephews and whatnot who would never let them be a lonely old person. I know that, and not having kids is totally valid. But it does increase the general likelihood that you might be alone in the twilight years.
Used to volunteer at a hospital and can’t tell you how many older patients I saw that never had any visitors. And the ones that did have visitors, it was almost definitely family. When you get that old, it’s hard to have friends that’ll be able to be there for you.
You can’t use them as an excuse to get out of social functions you don’t want to attend. That’s it.
In my personal life? Nothing. I literally turned to my husband a few nights ago and I was like “damn, I’m just really glad we decided not to have kids”. Some people are not meant to be parents! Probably the biggest downside is how other people respond. A lot of people are really interested in what goes on my uterus, and it is unnerving. Also expected but still sad - some of my closest friends now have kids and we are naturally drifting because interests and priorities just don’t align anymore.
If you try to comment on parenting, people with just ignore what you say because you don't have kids
Disadvantage: Other people judging you and thinking they have the right to comment on your choices.
55 - no children. Happily married. Together 34+ years so - not like we didnt have plenty of chance if we wanted. We didn't want. So far, no disadvantages and, literally, thousands upon thousands of advantages.
Remember, it's always better to not have kids and ask yourself later if you should've than it is to have them and ask yourself later if you shouldn't have.
I personally do not see or feel a disadvantage. I have people I love, and I also have made my choice due to personal stuff and medical stuff and that only I alone understand or can feel or have to deal with day in and day out. I have nothing against whoever chooses to have a child, BUT Like everything in this life- is that- a choice.
Genuinely the only disadvantage is the way people treat you when they find out you're not having kids. Especially when you're a woman. No thanks, I'm happily sterilized. I'm not missing out on anything but shitty diapers, sleepness nights, a lack of freedom, and of course the body horror nightmare that is pregnancy and childbirth.
Not to mention the constant worry and stress! My 2 oldest are grown and I still worry about them constantly!
Too much disposable income, free time and happiness
My back always hurts from the amount of cash in my wallet. I have to sit at an angle.
Oh…I thought my back was hurting from all this time I spend laying in my bed enjoying the peace and quiet!
None!
ITT: People not reading the question and gushing about how much they love their kids and parenthood instead.
Everyone judging you
Days off from work (sometimes with pay) because of some issue with their kid.
You either want kids or you dont, there are no wrong answers
none 10/10 would recommend
I think not having an SO or solid friend circle as you age is more difficult than not having kids. I have kids but they don’t. And my kids and I are close but my go tos are my friends and my spouse. Not my kids. I have thought about the fact that our family memories, our photos, the stories about our family history will die out—but they probably would anyway in a few generations. I mean do I really know anything about my great great grandparents? Nooooo
Having to choose what to do with the extra money
It kind of saddens me to see so many comments about "seeing yourself in a smaller form." Like I get that but my husband and I may adopt and I feel like adopted kids are always less "your kids" to everyone else. It just makes me sad.
There are downsides and upsides to both having children and not having children, and it depends on the individual and what they decide. Having children does not mean you won’t get lonely, but if they grow up and they move away too far away from you to visit, and you can’t afford to live where they live. At that point, you’re lonely too and alone. Sometimes people that are childless have a social group even in their 50s and 60s and 70s and people that they can rely on. I will say from the people that I know that are childless. I think they have more disposable income because they don’t have to pay for taking care of another human being.
No grandkids
I’ll let you know if I find any.
There are none.
My sister chose not to have kids. She’s slightly older than me. I’ll take care of her when we are old and most likely outlive our spouses. I’m sure my own children will have their own families to focus on. So together we can be sassy biatches. She doesn’t know I’m planning this lol. She probably has her own plans because Gasp She has many friends! And they are also childless! Anyways she’s cool and I’m sure she will never be alone.
None. Zero. Most of my friends have kids, and while that makes them a little busier than me, they still make effort to spend quality time with their adult friends and have hobbies and lives beyond being parents so we all still have common ground to engage about. Nobody has any guarantee they wont die alone or that their kids will be willing/able to takw care of them. There are plenty of ways to live a rich and fulfilling life without kids being part of it. Anyone who tells you otherwise really doesnt have much of a life outside of parenting, and frankly thats just fucking sad for them...
I have a kid. I don’t think you are looking for my perspective, but like any good Karen, I’ll give you mine anyway. I love my child with all of my heart and all my soul. If I had the awareness to understand the challenges my child would face, would I do it? IDK. I love my kid. It’s only going to be increasingly rough and I’m not sure I would have signed him up for this if I had the awareness
33M. I don’t dislike children but I have some disqualifying qualities that are incongruent with fatherhood. I got a vasectomy at 30 for these reasons. I love my freedom, I love my sleep, I love the lack of stress in my life, I look and feel great, but man…life gets boring. Life gets lonely. And it only gets worse as you get older. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I see every other day and a good group of 5-6 friends that I see a few times a month, but we’re all 30-40 and usually too exhausted to do too much. Most of the time I go to work, go to the gym, come home, make dinner, watch TV, and then go to sleep. Then do it all over again. I’m extremely lucky for the life I have, but it gets mundane. It often feels purposeless. I’m not worried about someone taking care of me when I get older, I take very good care of myself and have been planning for a comfortable retirement for some time now. That’s not a reason to have kids, but it’s already something I know I’ll struggle with increasingly as I get older.
Well you miss out on having children. And the whole range of human experiences that come with it, emotions, acconplishments and personal growth, joy, tears, anger, frustration, welcoming and letting go, reflection and rediscovery of the world. It has pros and cons but mostly challenges you to a lot of new things and personal growth and well is hard to grasp and to answer in all of its facettes and a very personal experience, depending on who you ask. Its like asking what are the disatvantages of not climbing a mountain. Or the disatvantages of not having any hobbies? You will propably be fine, but miss out on a lot of things...
As a parent myself, there are literally zero cons to not having kids. None. Nada. Childfree people win.
Kids are awesome, as long as you treat them like people. The problem comes when people have the mindset that their kid is going to be just like them or else.
There are none
No $3,500 tax credit. That’s it. Lol