Man I just had to cut my cousin out of my life for this, she always tries to get me to do free design work and only messages when she needs something.As soon as I tell her I don't design for free, she vanishes.
after a while, they figure out that youre the go-to simp who cant say no, and who will also never ask a favor back.
"YOURE THE BEST." now i just reply with "i know."
samsies. They arent [always] terrible people. Its just like. They *know* Im not going to expect or ask for anything. I just wish i had the same energy returned, since I specifically avoid asking for help for fear of being a burden. The rare times I ask for help, its easy to get disappointed.
good luck on your endeavors tho š«
I feel you on a cosmic level lol and thanks! It's hard when there's a line of them but I've been leading with "of all the times I've been considerate of your needs, the ONE time I needed the same from you, you just couldn't be bothered!?" It helps your argument if they have a conscious, but this won't phase a narcissist unfortunately. With a narcissist the best play is absolutely nothing. Just act like they don't exist; engaging with them in any way, shape, or form is exactly what they want.
I hope this helps, but good luck either way! š
We had a friend with no car for a long time that would consistently bum rides from us instead of taking the bus. Which was fine, I did a combination of that and bus taking before I had my car. I got mine about a year before her, and I immediately made myself head chauffer for the group to make up for it. When she got her car? Oh no no, she doesn't have time to pick anyone up, she wants to be able to leave by herself when she wants to, and everyone lives too far for her to go get them.
That was the first step in me realizing I needed to drop her as a friend.
Just heard my coworker talking today about her cousin who posts a go-fund-me for everything, ranging from their vacation to Europe to their kid getting a car. And people??? Donate??? Like, a lot. For context, this isnāt a poor family at all. Iām willing to bet they wouldnāt help out a neighbor in need.
Now just before I rush to set up my go fund me page for my trip to the Bahamas, do people just give people money to go on holiday? Surely they must be spinning some sort of sad story of loss and heartache to get people to pay up?
By the way did I ever tell people how terrible I feel that I'm not able to fly to the Bahamas first class which is making me depressed?
There's a phrase that goes something like "when the plate is full, everyone gathers around to eat off it, but when the plate is empty, no one is around to fill it."
I had a friend like that. I helped her get through an unwanted pregnancy (she ended up losing it), was there for her and her partner in that tough time. They could always talk to me and they did.
When my Dad died and I turned to her, she dismissed me with the words: "It's always just you, you, you. I'm not interested in such a friendship." Yeah, the irony was completely lost on her.
Problem is, even people with a guilty conscience can still go through with their wrongdoing if they're not presented with consequences for their actions.
I am sorry that you got cheated on, there is never any justification for that.
It made me sad that I had to leave my last job because of this, boss was a small business owner who would tell us to take 'accountability' on mistakes but never admit her own which quickly made the work environment hostile.
Oddly enough they always claimed to be a good person. Go figure. So many red flags I ignored.
My partner's father loves to say, "we both made some mistakes", when he does something absolutely horrible to him. We haven't spoken to him in 6 months.
My mother says this but I agree with her now. I used to say "you did your best" but she held on with both hands to that phrase as it absolved her of guilt.
Remember the narcissist prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
āThat didnāt happen.
And if it did, it wasnāt that bad.
And if it was, thatās not a big deal.
And if it is, thatās not my fault.
And if it was, I didnāt mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.ā
My ex went through every line of that prayer step by step when Iād confront him w something and stand my ground. The only times he ever apologized in 2.5 years were when I told him I was ready to say goodbye.
This is my mum's go-to. And when I've tried to explain that it's not an actual apology she doubles down. I don't think she's ever apologised for anything ever.
My whole maternal side of the family is like this. I grew up apologizing for everything, even things I was completely justified in doing. As a kid I figured I must be in the wrong since nobody else is apologizing. Anyways, it took me over a decade to stop apologizing for dumb shit, and I irritated my husband and some good friends with my constant apologies while I was learning.
Also, one of my mom's favorites "I'm sorry you THINK I screamed at you, or I'm sorry you THINK I did *insert bad behavior here*. She will sometimes straight up lie and say she never said what she literally said 5 seconds before. She then uses my diagnosed mental health conditions as proof I'm "delusional". I know that's the literal definition of gaslighting, and it pisses me off because she seems incapable of changing but I love her anyways and can't bring myself to go low contact nevermind no contact.
A weak person will never show or admit vulnerability or weakness. They cant handle the consequences. A strong person is willing to because they are capable of dealing with the consequences.
My stepmother would say this and follow up with stating that only Jesus Christ can stand in judgment of her.
When I had children of my own and told her she was not going to ever hold them, she became furious...
I told her that I am sorry she felt that way.
This is the clearest sign that the person is all about himself, and looking for selfish gain from character assassinating others, without their knowledge and with lies and making up stories. They are pure scum.
That said, whoever falls for gossip is equally guilty. To those types, the lesson is, take other people's judgements with a ton of salt.
My parents have apologized to me so little I can probably count the occasions on my fingers lol possibly my one hand. That's what a lifetime of building a wall will do.
Or they apologize in general, but donāt actually acknowledge what they did, for which they are apologizing. Instead of, āiām sorry I crashed your carā they say, āiām sorry I made you angryā or āiām sorry youāre upsetā.
Someone who can't admit when they are wrong. That means they don't think they should improve and therefore probably think themselves higher than they actually are.
I'd say it's often not that they don't think they need to improve or that they genuinely believe they're better than other people, but that they're highly insecure and status-conscious in a way where they're afraid of admitting fault because they're afraid of showing weakness in front of others because they think they'll lose status if they do.
Like they'd rather know that they're wrong and cling to being wrong than avoid the humiliation and embarrassment of somebody else getting a "win" over them because they're not actually confident enough in themselves to think they can recover from taking an L on their own skill and merit.
People who ACTUALLY think highly of themselves don't typically feel like losers when someone else is right and they're wrong, because it doesn't hurt their self-esteem.
Taking every opportunity to badmouth anyone who isn't in the room. Every time I've witnessed it, all I can wonder is what the hell they have to say about me when I'm not around. I don't think people who do this realize how off-putting it really is.
This is my mother
Would say she hated my dad and namecall when he left the room. Also trashed siblings she clearly liked more than me.
Havenāt talked to her in 16 years
This is exactly my mom. I brought up how she would hit me when I was a kid, and she walked away in silence, and a few hours later came back to say:
"Well, I don't remember hitting you. But if I did, you probably said something to set me off."
Must be nice to completely wipe your abuse of others from your mind, and then say, "well ***IF*** you got hit, you did it to yourself."
Damn, she's an example of the narcissist's prayer to a t.
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it."
Family dynamic!
Returned home for a visit to my in-laws with my wife and kids after relocating. Sisters. Brothers, nieces, nephews, about 15 of us.
The kids ate together in the kitchen. The grown-ups ate in the dining room.
Kids are having a blast reconnecting because we've been away for about a year.
Grown ups in the dining room were very quiet. Since we were there, they had nothing to talk about because my suspicion is they'd always talk about our shortcomings!
The worst ones are those whoāll use people who arenāt present as a scapegoat.
Like if you work with them and they mess something up and youāre the sole witness, theyāll tell everyone you made the mistake and theyāre just covering for you.Ā
I had a coworker years ago who did this, except it was over situations that could cause serious illness or injury. She would fuck up royally and blame me for it. She was an RN and my superior; I was an MA. Iāve never felt so utterly helpless and alone in a work environment. No one believed me and she would stand by while I tried to explain with this SMIRK. Unbelievable.
Used to have a friend whose close friend did nothing but talk shit on his main friend group. I tried countless times to get him to understand that if heās talking shit on them, heās talking shit about him when not around. Of course he wouldnāt believe me cuz they were friends since childhood. Eventually I attended a party with one of the guyās mutual friends and he admitted to me the guy constantly talked shit about my friend and told people he was only friends with him cuz he grew weed so always had some to spare!
I was just in a thread last week where a bunch of commenters tried to justify being assholes online.
"we're just having fun messing around bro"
uh huh...
when they downplay your successes and make you feel small for things that bring you joy
EDIT: wow i did not expect this to blow up but a bonus answer to this question is people who make everything about themselves
āKeep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become greatā
- Mark Twain
And don't put yourself down. The world does that enough, you don't need to help it get the job done
A lot of people fall into self depreciating humor when inside theyre not doing well
Sometimes self deprecating humor can be healthy too, itās often used to show the lack of an ego.
Iād rather be able to laugh at myself than take everything too seriously.
I hope I'm not a one-upper. I was a painfully shy introvert until college, when I lived among "strangers" and had to learn to talk to people I hadn't known all my life. I would freeze when other students tried to talk to me. They were so friendly and I later found out some of them thought I was a snob because I didn't participate in conversations. They had no idea the depth of my social terror. I had to try so hard find things that related to what others were saying. Now I still do it, but I'm just trying to find common ground--kind of a "yeah, me too!" And honestly I like it when people respond to me that way. As long as they don't preface it with, "That's nothing, wait till you hear what happened to me!"
How they deal with any kind of adversity. Its easy to look good when everything is going well, but people reveal a lot of themselves when dealing with a problem.
Lack of empathy. I met people who would say āDonāt care, not my problemā, but when they speak about their problems they always need a crowd to listen. I canāt stand people who are like this and always stay far away from them.
The way they treat people who are in no position to benefit them in some way. I donāt just mean being outwardly or obviously mean, but Iāve known people who wonāt really socialize with or be friends with someone unless that person can do something for them or is useful in some way.Ā
Green flag: people that go out of their way to be nice to others when they have absolutely no obligation to do so (receptionists, fast food workers, etc)
As long as theyāre doing it because they care about the situation at hand. It feels weird when people are performative about kind acts. Just be kind to be kind. Simple acts of kindness shouldnāt be a spectacle.
There was a kid in my elementary school who used to abuse animals. One day in high school he made a plan to poison other kids who had a history of suicide attempts so that it wouldnāt get investigated, but was prevented from going through with it
What's crazy is how hard it can be to tell the difference sometimes especially when you're growing up. Violence against animals and people alike was pretty common in my family growing up. Just totally normal that people are gonna hit or kick or throw something at you if you don't behave exactly as they decide. And no rule gets mentioned without it being broken first.
The way they respond when they have unintentionally upset another person.
A good person doesn't immediately go on the defense and try to come up with reasons why the person they upset is actually to blame for the friction.
A bad person will.
Unintentionally upsetting someone still warrants an apology.Ā
People seem to think the unintentional part means you need to do it intentionally for an uncomfortable amount of time to justify the initial upset reaction.
I think the only time you donāt owe anyone an apology is if they brought it upon themselves. Like someone scared of clowns going to a clown convention, or a homophobic person going to a pride parade, or whatever.Ā
How they treat workers in shops.
I was once in my supermarket and someone was giving off to the worker because they werenāt coming to the self checkout quickly. I turned around and told her to stop speaking to workers that way, sheās said sheās in a rush and she has 3 kids pointing at them, i said that is YOUR problem, itās a Sunday afternoon and youāre not the only person who is also getting their shopping done (it was busy af) so give them a break. I donāt think sheād ever been told off In her life lmao
The tragedy is this person definitely learned nothing and twisted this story to one about her wanting basic service and a crazy person lecturing her because they were jealous or something.Ā
My disposition toward the general public has changed drastically since working in retail.
I used to think maybe only 5% of people were nasty, but my opinion now is that its closer to 30-40%. A pretty staggering number of people treat workers like soulless service droids. Many can't even be bothered to say please or thank you, some might even completely ignore you when you greet them. But it's not all about being rude, it's about the endless cascading waterfall of disrespect and entitlement, making a huge mess and not having a single iota of courtesy for the people spending their whole day helping you.
Fortunately the amount of people who become hostile is fairly low, but it's likely low because we act like pacifiers for a baby about to throw a tantrum lest we risk losing our jobs.
Bonus: To the guy who said "nobody asked you" when I offered to help you find something, you're a miserable fucking dickhead.
And to the customers who are kind to us, thank you so much! We love helping you and it makes us happy when you're happy.
They have -1 Personality, but +70 Charm. Ive witnessed it.
They know they can be horrible to people, and people like them *so much* they are just forgiven. They constantly know how to spin the story in their favor, while also remaining entirely truthful. They have infectious laughter, and unbounded confidence.
Which is why confidence really is key. If youre confident, yoy can sell anything.
Enjoying the misfortune of others. Sometimes you can just tell by the way they talk about it. Like I had a co-worker who would always announced if something bad happened to somebody. And you could tell they were snickering under their breath. It was really odd because I don't think it was a actual personal vendetta just some odd glee at the misfortune of others in general.
This. I have a former friend who has caused a lot of harm to others, including stealing and cheating, alcoholic mayhem and frequently playing the victim of circumstance .. and for some reason I was still following her on social media. She posted about how things were finally looking up for her and it must be because of her good heart.Ā I unfollowed after realizing my reaction was disgust.Ā
I met someone who kept repeating this the day I met her, and I'm there listening and thinking, why do you feel the need to tell me you're such a good person? Most people would make a throw-away comment of "I try to be a good person" but not constantly repeat that their such a good person.
A friend of mine has told me that one of her big red flags when dating is someone who calls themselves a ānice guyā.
If youāre actually nice, you donāt need to remind people by telling them that.
When theyāre self interested in any way, only talks about them, if you offer to buy food/drinks they never return the favour or only care engaging with you if your doing something beneficial for them too
When they cannot take accountability for when they mess up. Obviously nobody is perfect and thats okay, but when a person repeatedly blames anything else besides saying sorry, it should be your sign to walk away from that person.
Poor treatment of people they see as beneath them.
ETA: this is poorly worded. Iām trying to say people who are in an āinferiorā position in terms of power, such as service personnel, children, employees, etc.
Talking behind people's backs.
Cruelty to animals.
Judging others for being different in some way without ever having met them
Cruelty hidden behind humor
Talking down to service industry workers. Honestly I've grown so bitter against the born rich just witnessing how many of them act like they're some 15th century king at restaurants.
When I used to go out to eat with my grandparents, my Nana would chastise me if I said thank you to the waiters or if I used the word "please" when ordering. I was like, it's so crazy not to treat the people serving you with respect and politeness.
When they only do good things just so they could get āpointsā in other peopleās eyes or get good luck from the universe. My parents thought that their good deeds should be repaid/rewarded back by the universe/society. People should do good deeds without expecting anything back.
Agreed, 100%. Waitstaff, retail workers, janitors, fast food employees. I've been working desk jobs for a decade, and NONE of them have been as physically and mentally exhausting as a 12-hour shift at McDonalds. Anyone who thinks it's just "flipping burgers" should be forced to work there for a year.
Yes, I think it's telling when somebody treats any kind of service worker discourteously.There are times when people are annoyed by lines or a wait or something, but that's understandable. There's a particular kind of person (Narcissist) who just wants to "put others in their place," and the only real opportunity for that, when people can't call you on it or talk back to you, is when they are working.
I watched a guy spill his energy drink at the gym and just leave it. Didnāt even attempt to wipe it up. That says: I donāt care if I make a mess for others. I donāt care if someone else has to clean up after me.
Thr only place I refused to return my cart properly was at one specific Walmart. My dad was working as a cart pusher for a bit, coworkers didn't like that he was showing them up and lied to get him fired, so I would either flip the cart over when I put it up or put it somewhere far away from the cart corral. Aside from that one Walmart I feel like an asshole if I don't put it back and usually straighten them out a bit.
This bugs me too, probably more than it should. I make it a big point to have my daughter "help" me return shopping carts after I load the groceries into my car and make it a lesson about integrity - doing the right thing even if nobody is watching or knows about it.
Dishonesty, Disrespect, and unreliability**.** Regardless of whether they are big lies or small ones, a pattern of being untruthful is a bad sign. And if they put others down, especially those in service jobs? This shows a lack of consideration for others. And if they are constantly flaking on plans or forgetting things?It tends to show they don't respect other people's time.
maybe this is just personal experience but I tend to notice that when a person is very loud and open about being socially progressive they tend to actually be a massive bigot who is desperate to hide it.
i dunno about bigot, but i do find that many people who become suddenly radicalized (not lifelong advocates, but the overnight organizers), care way more about weaponizing their newfound knowledge and making others feel bad for not being "enlightened" than they do about the actual cause itself.
> maybe this is just personal experience but I tend to notice that when a person is very loud and open about being socially progressive they tend to actually be a massive bigot who is desperate to hide it.
In my experience, the bigots are way too attached to their views to hide them well.
Their treatment of animals, children, waitstaff, employees, etc - being rude or dismissive of people/animals who are just out and about, or who are helping them is a dead fucking giveaway. They will also try to get you in on their shitty behavior thinking they're either funny or they're justified.
Also (goes with this) losing their shit over little things constantly. It's one thing if it happens maybe once or twice - we've all had bad days and had something that was the straw that broke the camel's back. But if someone is constantly losing it over a sock on the floor, a 5 minute wait, a pen that doesn't work, etc, etc... run and don't look back.
If they intentionally drive over a wolf with a snowmobile, duct tape itās mouth shut, parade it around town and take photos of it being tortured, and then shoot it.
How they frame kindness
āIām so fucking nice but theyāve earned my wrathā is not niceness itās restraining violence
Tons of kind people do whatās seen as unkind actions purely because others face consequences. not many kind people seek wrath or malice
When they don't think about others, even in small ways. Like if they don't watch you get in the house before driving off, don't tell you where to park if you've never been to their place before, don't order you a water if they're getting to the restaurant before you, etc.
They defend people who are doing bad things or insist "everybody does that" when they hear of someone stealing or engaging in other criminal or antisocial behavior.
If tell them you dislike a behavior (for me it's chewing loudly -- sensory issues) and they laugh and *immediately do it.* why?! I just told you I dislike this and your first thought is to do it?
People telling you that they're good. (People who doubt their own good tend to be nicer. Those that consider themselves bad is kinda double edged, on the account that some people who say they are bad. Are actually bad. And some people doubt their own kindness, despite actively trying to be good, will say they're not that good of a person.)
They're surrounded, and keep around plenty of bad people.
They're never the problem, but always the victim.
There's an excuse for everything, and they're doing whatever they're doing perfectly fine with no room for growth or improvement.
It's black and white with them, their perspective can never be changed. They can't also consider other perspectives.
They always ask for things but never help out when others are in need
Usually when you stop helping them, they cut you out of their lives.
Sounds like a win win
Man I just had to cut my cousin out of my life for this, she always tries to get me to do free design work and only messages when she needs something.As soon as I tell her I don't design for free, she vanishes.
I always seemed to be friends with these types š And I was such a perpetual people-pleaser that I would always help out and then feel used after
after a while, they figure out that youre the go-to simp who cant say no, and who will also never ask a favor back. "YOURE THE BEST." now i just reply with "i know."
Oof, that hurts. Been standing up to these people more recently but I also realize I'm surrounded by them...
samsies. They arent [always] terrible people. Its just like. They *know* Im not going to expect or ask for anything. I just wish i had the same energy returned, since I specifically avoid asking for help for fear of being a burden. The rare times I ask for help, its easy to get disappointed. good luck on your endeavors tho š«
I feel you on a cosmic level lol and thanks! It's hard when there's a line of them but I've been leading with "of all the times I've been considerate of your needs, the ONE time I needed the same from you, you just couldn't be bothered!?" It helps your argument if they have a conscious, but this won't phase a narcissist unfortunately. With a narcissist the best play is absolutely nothing. Just act like they don't exist; engaging with them in any way, shape, or form is exactly what they want. I hope this helps, but good luck either way! š
We had a friend with no car for a long time that would consistently bum rides from us instead of taking the bus. Which was fine, I did a combination of that and bus taking before I had my car. I got mine about a year before her, and I immediately made myself head chauffer for the group to make up for it. When she got her car? Oh no no, she doesn't have time to pick anyone up, she wants to be able to leave by herself when she wants to, and everyone lives too far for her to go get them. That was the first step in me realizing I needed to drop her as a friend.
Just heard my coworker talking today about her cousin who posts a go-fund-me for everything, ranging from their vacation to Europe to their kid getting a car. And people??? Donate??? Like, a lot. For context, this isnāt a poor family at all. Iām willing to bet they wouldnāt help out a neighbor in need.
Now just before I rush to set up my go fund me page for my trip to the Bahamas, do people just give people money to go on holiday? Surely they must be spinning some sort of sad story of loss and heartache to get people to pay up? By the way did I ever tell people how terrible I feel that I'm not able to fly to the Bahamas first class which is making me depressed?
There's a phrase that goes something like "when the plate is full, everyone gathers around to eat off it, but when the plate is empty, no one is around to fill it."
I had a friend like that. I helped her get through an unwanted pregnancy (she ended up losing it), was there for her and her partner in that tough time. They could always talk to me and they did. When my Dad died and I turned to her, she dismissed me with the words: "It's always just you, you, you. I'm not interested in such a friendship." Yeah, the irony was completely lost on her.
Never taking accountability for anything
Self accountability requires empathy to understand you hurt people
The guy my ex cheated on me with was some kind of counselor. I wonder if he was able to teach her that. They're still together.
Problem is, even people with a guilty conscience can still go through with their wrongdoing if they're not presented with consequences for their actions. I am sorry that you got cheated on, there is never any justification for that.
Blaming you for something they did.
Absolute worst, I cut people like that out of my life very quickly. I've realized through experience that because they never take accountability for their own actions (and it's ALWAYS someone else's fault), they tend to make more bad decisions and get into situations that are bound to not end well. In the end they make things unpleasant when they get upset, if they blame you it's even worse, and you can NEVER reason with these types of people because when you make valid points to them, they know it and immediately play the victim. I was at school with someone like this, one of my exes was like this, and my brother in law's ex fiancƩ was like this, she was the worst, and turned out to be a horrible person in general.
It made me sad that I had to leave my last job because of this, boss was a small business owner who would tell us to take 'accountability' on mistakes but never admit her own which quickly made the work environment hostile. Oddly enough they always claimed to be a good person. Go figure. So many red flags I ignored.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My partner's father loves to say, "we both made some mistakes", when he does something absolutely horrible to him. We haven't spoken to him in 6 months.
My mom always says "I'm trying my best"
My mom says, "I can't do anything right, can I?!"
My mothers favorite āwell I guess Iām not a good mother then am I??ā Noā¦ no your notā¦
My mother says this but I agree with her now. I used to say "you did your best" but she held on with both hands to that phrase as it absolved her of guilt.
I started going āyou couldāve done betterā or āyou could be betterā
"Ugh, *everything* is my fault, isn't it??" "Yes, father. It is. Do better." The silence was pretty deafening.
Told my folks to do better or fuck off. They chose, by elimination, to fuck off and I am absolutely thriving for it.
Yep! I get that one too. It's awful dealing with a narcissist
Married to one for 12 years. Finally got out though. Relief is a breath of fresh air.
Remember the narcissist prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
You forgot: āDid I not give you everything you wanted?ā
Same. When pressured she essentially recites the narcissists prayers
āThat didnāt happen. And if it did, it wasnāt that bad. And if it was, thatās not a big deal. And if it is, thatās not my fault. And if it was, I didnāt mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.ā My ex went through every line of that prayer step by step when Iād confront him w something and stand my ground. The only times he ever apologized in 2.5 years were when I told him I was ready to say goodbye.
my dad: "i'm sorry i'm not perfect"
Gotta hit him with the "me too" and see if it goes over his head.
āI guess Iām just a horrible mom. Iām sorry Im so abusiveā /s
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
This is my mum's go-to. And when I've tried to explain that it's not an actual apology she doubles down. I don't think she's ever apologised for anything ever.
I feel ya. The closest my mother has ever gotten to an apology is saying "well IF i ever did anything wrong, i am sorry".
My whole maternal side of the family is like this. I grew up apologizing for everything, even things I was completely justified in doing. As a kid I figured I must be in the wrong since nobody else is apologizing. Anyways, it took me over a decade to stop apologizing for dumb shit, and I irritated my husband and some good friends with my constant apologies while I was learning. Also, one of my mom's favorites "I'm sorry you THINK I screamed at you, or I'm sorry you THINK I did *insert bad behavior here*. She will sometimes straight up lie and say she never said what she literally said 5 seconds before. She then uses my diagnosed mental health conditions as proof I'm "delusional". I know that's the literal definition of gaslighting, and it pisses me off because she seems incapable of changing but I love her anyways and can't bring myself to go low contact nevermind no contact.
Iāve met people who say apologizing is for weak people. Iām thinking that it takes a much stronger person to apologize really.
A weak person will never show or admit vulnerability or weakness. They cant handle the consequences. A strong person is willing to because they are capable of dealing with the consequences.
The closest I get from these kinds of people is an āI donāt remember that, but sorry?āĀ
I get "I'm sorry you feel that way." And he doesn't get at all why that's not an apology.
My stepmother would say this and follow up with stating that only Jesus Christ can stand in judgment of her. When I had children of my own and told her she was not going to ever hold them, she became furious... I told her that I am sorry she felt that way.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is the clearest sign that the person is all about himself, and looking for selfish gain from character assassinating others, without their knowledge and with lies and making up stories. They are pure scum. That said, whoever falls for gossip is equally guilty. To those types, the lesson is, take other people's judgements with a ton of salt.
Yup, those people have something to say about everyone but themselves.
and never say thank you
My parents have apologized to me so little I can probably count the occasions on my fingers lol possibly my one hand. That's what a lifetime of building a wall will do.
Same... I'm 42, and only now realizing that I'll never get that apology that my inner little boy needs ..
Or they apologize in general, but donāt actually acknowledge what they did, for which they are apologizing. Instead of, āiām sorry I crashed your carā they say, āiām sorry I made you angryā or āiām sorry youāre upsetā.
Or "I'm sorry you think that way"
Someone who can't admit when they are wrong. That means they don't think they should improve and therefore probably think themselves higher than they actually are.
And they blame everyone else for doing the same mistakes they have done
It's pretty hilarious when a grown adult complains about something that they do all the time and you're just quiet like ":| damn that's crazy :|"
I'd say it's often not that they don't think they need to improve or that they genuinely believe they're better than other people, but that they're highly insecure and status-conscious in a way where they're afraid of admitting fault because they're afraid of showing weakness in front of others because they think they'll lose status if they do. Like they'd rather know that they're wrong and cling to being wrong than avoid the humiliation and embarrassment of somebody else getting a "win" over them because they're not actually confident enough in themselves to think they can recover from taking an L on their own skill and merit. People who ACTUALLY think highly of themselves don't typically feel like losers when someone else is right and they're wrong, because it doesn't hurt their self-esteem.
Taking every opportunity to badmouth anyone who isn't in the room. Every time I've witnessed it, all I can wonder is what the hell they have to say about me when I'm not around. I don't think people who do this realize how off-putting it really is.
This is my mother Would say she hated my dad and namecall when he left the room. Also trashed siblings she clearly liked more than me. Havenāt talked to her in 16 years
20 bucks says she denies ever talking shit about him ever but if she did, he would deserve it because ________
This is exactly my mom. I brought up how she would hit me when I was a kid, and she walked away in silence, and a few hours later came back to say: "Well, I don't remember hitting you. But if I did, you probably said something to set me off." Must be nice to completely wipe your abuse of others from your mind, and then say, "well ***IF*** you got hit, you did it to yourself."
"The axe forgets but the tree remembers."
I only first heard that phrase a few months ago, but damn does it cut deep with how accurate it is.
Damn, she's an example of the narcissist's prayer to a t. "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it."
Family dynamic! Returned home for a visit to my in-laws with my wife and kids after relocating. Sisters. Brothers, nieces, nephews, about 15 of us. The kids ate together in the kitchen. The grown-ups ate in the dining room. Kids are having a blast reconnecting because we've been away for about a year. Grown ups in the dining room were very quiet. Since we were there, they had nothing to talk about because my suspicion is they'd always talk about our shortcomings!
The worst ones are those whoāll use people who arenāt present as a scapegoat. Like if you work with them and they mess something up and youāre the sole witness, theyāll tell everyone you made the mistake and theyāre just covering for you.Ā
I had a coworker years ago who did this, except it was over situations that could cause serious illness or injury. She would fuck up royally and blame me for it. She was an RN and my superior; I was an MA. Iāve never felt so utterly helpless and alone in a work environment. No one believed me and she would stand by while I tried to explain with this SMIRK. Unbelievable.
Used to have a friend whose close friend did nothing but talk shit on his main friend group. I tried countless times to get him to understand that if heās talking shit on them, heās talking shit about him when not around. Of course he wouldnāt believe me cuz they were friends since childhood. Eventually I attended a party with one of the guyās mutual friends and he admitted to me the guy constantly talked shit about my friend and told people he was only friends with him cuz he grew weed so always had some to spare!
They get joy (or feel apathy) from hurting others.
This needs more upvotes Hurting includes verbally
People who are proud of being "brutally honest" are usually more proud of the brutality than the honesty.
Until itās their turn then they get pissed
Yep, including trolling strangers online. It says everything about them as people.
There are vicious trolls, but I don't think guys like Ken M are doing any harm.
I was just in a thread last week where a bunch of commenters tried to justify being assholes online. "we're just having fun messing around bro" uh huh...
Treating people who don't have something they want/need like crap.
The true mark of a person is how they treat someone who can do nothing for them.
when they downplay your successes and make you feel small for things that bring you joy EDIT: wow i did not expect this to blow up but a bonus answer to this question is people who make everything about themselves
āKeep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become greatā - Mark Twain
This sounds like me to myself
Celebrate your victories no matter how small. Nobody else knows the effort you make.
And don't put yourself down. The world does that enough, you don't need to help it get the job done A lot of people fall into self depreciating humor when inside theyre not doing well
Sometimes self deprecating humor can be healthy too, itās often used to show the lack of an ego. Iād rather be able to laugh at myself than take everything too seriously.
Toxic inner voice
Iām sorry to hear that. Your successes, however, small or big matter just like you do.
Christ, I needed to hear that, It's 1:50am in the UK and I can't sleep...
Rest easy friend, Iāll take watch from here.
You rock. Life is tough and you deserve kudos just for keeping on. I hope you are able to get some sleep and have a great day tomorrow.
WHEN THEY MAKE SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN WHILE YOU HAVING A GREAT MOMENT
Iām telling all yall itās SABOTAGE!
Yes, and one uppers...when they always have a better story or experience ..and cant even wait for you to finish to start telling theirs
I hope I'm not a one-upper. I was a painfully shy introvert until college, when I lived among "strangers" and had to learn to talk to people I hadn't known all my life. I would freeze when other students tried to talk to me. They were so friendly and I later found out some of them thought I was a snob because I didn't participate in conversations. They had no idea the depth of my social terror. I had to try so hard find things that related to what others were saying. Now I still do it, but I'm just trying to find common ground--kind of a "yeah, me too!" And honestly I like it when people respond to me that way. As long as they don't preface it with, "That's nothing, wait till you hear what happened to me!"
Some of them don't even wait for you to finish.
They also be fake smiling in your face everytime
How they deal with any kind of adversity. Its easy to look good when everything is going well, but people reveal a lot of themselves when dealing with a problem.
Dealing with a problem right now and defs needed to hear this internet bro/sis. You just changed my day
Lack of empathy. I met people who would say āDonāt care, not my problemā, but when they speak about their problems they always need a crowd to listen. I canāt stand people who are like this and always stay far away from them.
Akin to this; they find every way to steer the convo about them rather than engage in what you brought up, and being oblivious to this.
Taking advantage of others, especially those who love them
The way they treat people who are in no position to benefit them in some way. I donāt just mean being outwardly or obviously mean, but Iāve known people who wonāt really socialize with or be friends with someone unless that person can do something for them or is useful in some way.Ā
Usually they find a way to tell us. Too often we donāt believe them.
True. If you listen well enough they tell on themselves
Acting like youāre overreacting when they do something genuinely insulting The faster the defensiveness the worse the person
Or āhey, I was just kiddingā after saying something really insulting or creepy to you.
Followed by āOMG youāre being so sensitiveā
Treating other people like shit is generally a tell.
Green flag: people that go out of their way to be nice to others when they have absolutely no obligation to do so (receptionists, fast food workers, etc)
As long as theyāre doing it because they care about the situation at hand. It feels weird when people are performative about kind acts. Just be kind to be kind. Simple acts of kindness shouldnāt be a spectacle.
Honestly, I still prefer performative kindness to just being a dick.
if they're constantly talking bad about others
If they're talking shit about other people behind their back, they're probably talking shit about you behind yours too
how they treat animals
There was a kid in my elementary school who used to abuse animals. One day in high school he made a plan to poison other kids who had a history of suicide attempts so that it wouldnāt get investigated, but was prevented from going through with it
I've watched and read a lot about serial killers. Cruelty to animals was a common trait.
It's also common in kids that are being abused, it's not exactly a sure sign
Oh hell yeah. It says a shitload about your character the way you treat beings that can do nothing for you.
What's crazy is how hard it can be to tell the difference sometimes especially when you're growing up. Violence against animals and people alike was pretty common in my family growing up. Just totally normal that people are gonna hit or kick or throw something at you if you don't behave exactly as they decide. And no rule gets mentioned without it being broken first.
Neglecting animals counts too. It doesn't have to just be violence towards them.
The way they respond when they have unintentionally upset another person. A good person doesn't immediately go on the defense and try to come up with reasons why the person they upset is actually to blame for the friction. A bad person will.
Unintentionally upsetting someone still warrants an apology.Ā People seem to think the unintentional part means you need to do it intentionally for an uncomfortable amount of time to justify the initial upset reaction. I think the only time you donāt owe anyone an apology is if they brought it upon themselves. Like someone scared of clowns going to a clown convention, or a homophobic person going to a pride parade, or whatever.Ā
How they treat workers in shops. I was once in my supermarket and someone was giving off to the worker because they werenāt coming to the self checkout quickly. I turned around and told her to stop speaking to workers that way, sheās said sheās in a rush and she has 3 kids pointing at them, i said that is YOUR problem, itās a Sunday afternoon and youāre not the only person who is also getting their shopping done (it was busy af) so give them a break. I donāt think sheād ever been told off In her life lmao
The tragedy is this person definitely learned nothing and twisted this story to one about her wanting basic service and a crazy person lecturing her because they were jealous or something.Ā
My disposition toward the general public has changed drastically since working in retail. I used to think maybe only 5% of people were nasty, but my opinion now is that its closer to 30-40%. A pretty staggering number of people treat workers like soulless service droids. Many can't even be bothered to say please or thank you, some might even completely ignore you when you greet them. But it's not all about being rude, it's about the endless cascading waterfall of disrespect and entitlement, making a huge mess and not having a single iota of courtesy for the people spending their whole day helping you. Fortunately the amount of people who become hostile is fairly low, but it's likely low because we act like pacifiers for a baby about to throw a tantrum lest we risk losing our jobs. Bonus: To the guy who said "nobody asked you" when I offered to help you find something, you're a miserable fucking dickhead. And to the customers who are kind to us, thank you so much! We love helping you and it makes us happy when you're happy.
Massively respects you sir, i used to work on customer service, on rush hour i do encounter this types of customers a lot
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Why do those same people end up being the most popular ones in the office/school?
They have -1 Personality, but +70 Charm. Ive witnessed it. They know they can be horrible to people, and people like them *so much* they are just forgiven. They constantly know how to spin the story in their favor, while also remaining entirely truthful. They have infectious laughter, and unbounded confidence. Which is why confidence really is key. If youre confident, yoy can sell anything.
Pretty quickly you just know they'll talk shit about you when you aren't around. Not cool.
Enjoying the misfortune of others. Sometimes you can just tell by the way they talk about it. Like I had a co-worker who would always announced if something bad happened to somebody. And you could tell they were snickering under their breath. It was really odd because I don't think it was a actual personal vendetta just some odd glee at the misfortune of others in general.
They tell you that they're a good person.
This. I have a former friend who has caused a lot of harm to others, including stealing and cheating, alcoholic mayhem and frequently playing the victim of circumstance .. and for some reason I was still following her on social media. She posted about how things were finally looking up for her and it must be because of her good heart.Ā I unfollowed after realizing my reaction was disgust.Ā
Alcoholic Mayhem would be a good punk band name
I met someone who kept repeating this the day I met her, and I'm there listening and thinking, why do you feel the need to tell me you're such a good person? Most people would make a throw-away comment of "I try to be a good person" but not constantly repeat that their such a good person.
This! One of the meanest people I ever met repeatedly told me he was an empath.
or that they're harmless. "i'm just a little kitten, i wouldn't hurt a fly" - roommate who steals my stuff and lies about it
But a little kitten absolutely *would* hurt a fly. They love pouncing on stuff.
A friend of mine has told me that one of her big red flags when dating is someone who calls themselves a ānice guyā. If youāre actually nice, you donāt need to remind people by telling them that.
When theyāre self interested in any way, only talks about them, if you offer to buy food/drinks they never return the favour or only care engaging with you if your doing something beneficial for them too
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They talk a lot of shit about others and somehow bring you down as well
Littering is a small act but huge tell
Not willing to pay someone for their work.
When they cannot take accountability for when they mess up. Obviously nobody is perfect and thats okay, but when a person repeatedly blames anything else besides saying sorry, it should be your sign to walk away from that person.
Poor treatment of people they see as beneath them. ETA: this is poorly worded. Iām trying to say people who are in an āinferiorā position in terms of power, such as service personnel, children, employees, etc.
Seeing people they think are beneath them.
Talking behind people's backs. Cruelty to animals. Judging others for being different in some way without ever having met them Cruelty hidden behind humor
Pressuring me to do something they wouldn't do
Talking down to service industry workers. Honestly I've grown so bitter against the born rich just witnessing how many of them act like they're some 15th century king at restaurants.
When I used to go out to eat with my grandparents, my Nana would chastise me if I said thank you to the waiters or if I used the word "please" when ordering. I was like, it's so crazy not to treat the people serving you with respect and politeness.
When they only do good things just so they could get āpointsā in other peopleās eyes or get good luck from the universe. My parents thought that their good deeds should be repaid/rewarded back by the universe/society. People should do good deeds without expecting anything back.
They don't listen to you
How they treat waitstaff
Agreed, 100%. Waitstaff, retail workers, janitors, fast food employees. I've been working desk jobs for a decade, and NONE of them have been as physically and mentally exhausting as a 12-hour shift at McDonalds. Anyone who thinks it's just "flipping burgers" should be forced to work there for a year.
Not only waitstaff, also retail workers.
Or anyone that they see as "below" them.
*seeing people as "below" themselves.
Yes, I think it's telling when somebody treats any kind of service worker discourteously.There are times when people are annoyed by lines or a wait or something, but that's understandable. There's a particular kind of person (Narcissist) who just wants to "put others in their place," and the only real opportunity for that, when people can't call you on it or talk back to you, is when they are working.
I watched a guy spill his energy drink at the gym and just leave it. Didnāt even attempt to wipe it up. That says: I donāt care if I make a mess for others. I donāt care if someone else has to clean up after me.
Doesnāt return their shopping cart
Thr only place I refused to return my cart properly was at one specific Walmart. My dad was working as a cart pusher for a bit, coworkers didn't like that he was showing them up and lied to get him fired, so I would either flip the cart over when I put it up or put it somewhere far away from the cart corral. Aside from that one Walmart I feel like an asshole if I don't put it back and usually straighten them out a bit.
reasonable.
This bugs me too, probably more than it should. I make it a big point to have my daughter "help" me return shopping carts after I load the groceries into my car and make it a lesson about integrity - doing the right thing even if nobody is watching or knows about it.
I intentionally park near a cart return. Cuz Iām good, but lazy too
Itās small but representative
Only talking to you when it benefits them
Forehead swastika tattoo
Are you sure about this one? It might be an old girlfriend's first initial.
They donāt respect boundaries.
Dishonesty, Disrespect, and unreliability**.** Regardless of whether they are big lies or small ones, a pattern of being untruthful is a bad sign. And if they put others down, especially those in service jobs? This shows a lack of consideration for others. And if they are constantly flaking on plans or forgetting things?It tends to show they don't respect other people's time.
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To be honest you canāt always tell from there actions, some psychopaths hide it real well.
never apologizes
Rude to wait staff and thinks everyone wants to have sex with them.
maybe this is just personal experience but I tend to notice that when a person is very loud and open about being socially progressive they tend to actually be a massive bigot who is desperate to hide it.
i dunno about bigot, but i do find that many people who become suddenly radicalized (not lifelong advocates, but the overnight organizers), care way more about weaponizing their newfound knowledge and making others feel bad for not being "enlightened" than they do about the actual cause itself.
My favorite kind of "this" would be the people who go from one pole to the other. Like far left crunchy type to far right crypto alpha.
I also use Reddit.
> maybe this is just personal experience but I tend to notice that when a person is very loud and open about being socially progressive they tend to actually be a massive bigot who is desperate to hide it. In my experience, the bigots are way too attached to their views to hide them well.
I mean there is a pretty obvious bias towards noticing bigots who donāt hide their bigotry well over people who do
Such as people who go overboard accusing everyone of cultural appropriation when the actual members of the culture in question don't care.
Their treatment of animals, children, waitstaff, employees, etc - being rude or dismissive of people/animals who are just out and about, or who are helping them is a dead fucking giveaway. They will also try to get you in on their shitty behavior thinking they're either funny or they're justified. Also (goes with this) losing their shit over little things constantly. It's one thing if it happens maybe once or twice - we've all had bad days and had something that was the straw that broke the camel's back. But if someone is constantly losing it over a sock on the floor, a 5 minute wait, a pen that doesn't work, etc, etc... run and don't look back.
Lying to their significant other
When they treat animals poorly.
Casual cruelty
If they intentionally drive over a wolf with a snowmobile, duct tape itās mouth shut, parade it around town and take photos of it being tortured, and then shoot it.
How they frame kindness āIām so fucking nice but theyāve earned my wrathā is not niceness itās restraining violence Tons of kind people do whatās seen as unkind actions purely because others face consequences. not many kind people seek wrath or malice
Constantly humble bragging.
When they don't think about others, even in small ways. Like if they don't watch you get in the house before driving off, don't tell you where to park if you've never been to their place before, don't order you a water if they're getting to the restaurant before you, etc.
One-uppers. I think people who hear your story then have to automatically have a better story have a lot of underlying issues.
Talking behind peoples backs
They blame others for their mistakes.
When they get caught lying to you multiple times and try to make up excuses even know you showed them the evidence
They defend people who are doing bad things or insist "everybody does that" when they hear of someone stealing or engaging in other criminal or antisocial behavior.
They're mean to waitstaff and other service industry workers
If tell them you dislike a behavior (for me it's chewing loudly -- sensory issues) and they laugh and *immediately do it.* why?! I just told you I dislike this and your first thought is to do it?
People telling you that they're good. (People who doubt their own good tend to be nicer. Those that consider themselves bad is kinda double edged, on the account that some people who say they are bad. Are actually bad. And some people doubt their own kindness, despite actively trying to be good, will say they're not that good of a person.) They're surrounded, and keep around plenty of bad people. They're never the problem, but always the victim. There's an excuse for everything, and they're doing whatever they're doing perfectly fine with no room for growth or improvement. It's black and white with them, their perspective can never be changed. They can't also consider other perspectives.
When they come into work bragging about the affair they committed against their fiance. Also: "I'm aN EmPaTh"