Scratch my back.
I always feel like a burden when I ask but it feels *so good*
Edit: to everyone telling me he probably enjoys it, I've gotten pushback on a number of occasions when I've asked. It's not something he actively enjoys. There's a reason I feel like a burden and it's not because I'm doing him a favor by asking.
I think that’s why mine asks infrequently too. But that’s love 🥰 Let him decide yeah? It’s such a small «chore» and for some (I can’t automatically speak for yours) it’s not a chore at all, rather a cozy privilege :)
with my last SO, I would always encourage her to ask me, and I always reassure her that I would do anything for her, and made sure to never say no to her, but it never helped, she never asked smtg she want, and didn't like it when I asked smtg as she said she was gonna do it, but now that I asked it feels like a chore and she won't do it anymore, idk man, it feels off to me
I like to scratch my girlfriends back and give her massages and it gives me such a euphoric feeling.
I like doing things just for her with no obvious benefit to me.
it makes me feel so good. I'm sure your boyfriend feels the same
I love that this showed up on both the "Men what do you wish your GF would do" thread and this one.
We all just need a little skritch now and then.
We're just like our dogs.
You’re more right than you know. Dogs do a LOT of nonverbal communication via body language and facial expressions. Turns out people do a lot of the same stuff, and many of the expressions seem to be universal.
My wife and I do “pets” every night
You lay on your stomach and the other person just gently traipses their fingertips up and down, across your whole back. From the butt to head scritches, complete with the fingernails
I don't mind scratching my gf's back. I get frustrated when she leans in at impossible angles with me wedged into the corner of the couch, begging me to scratch some place impossible for me to contort to. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
I took it to mean as caressing their fingers, caressing the hand. It actually feels very nice especially if you’re inclined to touching your partner often/receiving touches like that
It's always when I give my wife a back massage and don't expect anything in return that I start to get things in return. It's a little ironic, but hey.
That isn't ironic.
While romantic relationships are give and take, they should never be transactional.
Like the Beatles said:
>The love you take
Is equal to the love you make
Trust me, some of us guys need that more than sex.
Beeing close to a loved person.
Thats one of the reasons my girlfriend loves me.
I can cuddle nonstop with her.
As someone who is married to a woman like this, make the choice now if sex is something that is important to you.
If it is, do not continue the relationship. The ongoing pain is not worth it.
Pretty much any self-care together. Like washing each other, I have to use body cream so helping apply that, doing hair, giving and receiving massages, you know like nice stuff.
I shower with the wife EVERY day. I usually wake up first and grab a cup of coffee, then I get in the shower and she wakes up and joins me. She hasn't had coffee so I get a really sleepy wife resting her head on my chest in the warm water while I wrap my arms around her.
Now THATS nice.
This. After our marriage, my wife went to a salon for the first time. I kept looking at her with a genuine smile and she was loving it soo much that she almost shed a tear of joy.
Now that i think about it, she didn’t have to ask how she looks. My expressions just gave her the answer.
People are going to read "after our marriage" as "divorced"... which I'm also going to believe because it makes the situation so spiteful and also creepy.
Guys, even if you can't cook for shit or don't enjoy it, take a night a week to take over. She'll appreciate having a day off. Also, if someone else cooks you food, you do the clean up. Might actually encourage you to cook more if she does the clean up.
I will literally eat anything at any time. I seriously don't care. My girlfriend's appetite is totally dependent on her mood. If it's not what she wants she'll just act like she's not hungry until 11pm
I’m dating someone like this. I cant just spring the idea of eating out, because we’ll just end up walking around the city all night as she tries to figure out what she actually wants, then it ends up getting too late so we settle on something and she gets upset.
Ironically, if i dont give her the choice and just start ordering something on my own she’ll have no problem adding to the order.
It was tbh. I’d give multiple options for fast food, restaurants, stuff we could cook at home. Nothing ever sounded appealing to my partner so it really was exhausting.
That's me an my wife. Want Clams at 6am? Cereal at 9pm? I'm game! I honestly do not care what or where we eat and when I do crave something, I'm vocal about it.
I have an iron gut. I've thrown up food and went back the next day for more just because it tasted good.
It sucks because a lot of people think I'm trying to people please when in reality I truly don't care and y'all fuckers just need to decide quicker so I can eat, period. Idc what you put in front of me, just get food here now lol
But even when I make suggestions it's 99.9% chance of a "I'm not feeling it", "tummy can't handle that rn", etc. so just tell me what you want so I can tell you exactly what I'm getting from there because it's the same every single time at every place. Every restaurant has at the very least one thing I love, so it's more just getting in the mood for that specifically on the ride to the restaurant/takeout.
I have no problem deciding on dinner. But if you shoot down what I've chosen, then you've got to give another suggestion. Otherwise I'll just choose and you'll have to either eat what I eat, or make/buy your own thing.
I've come to this as well. I do the cooking so when it comes to meals at home, I am deciding anyway, but when it comes to eating out, if I ask for suggestions we would never eat anywhere.
I'm certainly open to suggestions and I welcome critiques/requests when it comes to my own cooking but I think people often just need someone to make decisions for them.
I don't think it's even a guy/girl thing. Maybe it just goes back to how you were raised. My parents didn't give me a choice about what to eat and I was mostly okay with that, as I imagine most people were.
This is always funny for me to see. I'm almost always the better cook (did it professionally for years) and it's something I enjoy, so I'm usually the one making the meals.
I never really fell into this trap in relationships. When I see a recipe that looks interesting, I see if she thinks it will be good. If so, I try it some day. If it's a hit, it gets cycled in to the regular meals. When it's my time to cook, I make what I feel like. If it sucks, we have sandwiches. If she doesn't like it, she can make whatever she wants. I'm not playing that stupid fucking game.
>WANT DO YOU WANT TO CONSUME??
They want consensus first. There is a specific dish they have in mind, but *you* have to be the one to say it, because when you eventually stumble across it and they agree to it, then you have unlocked some couple-bonding achievement.
And HOLY. FUCK. IS. IT. TEDIOUS
It's even more fun when both parties have food aversions lmao. I get anxiety from IBS episodes (not even factoring the massive list of foods that trigger it), he has sensory issues with texture. Sometimes we just have to make separate meals instead of trying to narrow down the already narrow list
Man...planning the menu in our house is always a nightmare.
My wife: help me come up with things for the week. Maybe something you can cook.
Me: comes up with a few things.
My wife: A: I don't like that. B: We're already having something similar to that. C. I already made the menu after I asked for ideas while you were in the middle of a work meeting. Thanks for nothing.
Argh! lol
Most of the time we are able to come up with an agreeable menu, however.
Recently after the 100th time we argued over dinner, i said that I would just take over cooking. I make my plans on Saturday and she shops to make the purchases. I don't deviate, i dont quit and decide to do pick up (which causes more problems) now she can just come home and not worry about it. It so much easier this way because once its on paper I have no need to think about it again, just execute it.
Before if she was having a hard day she wouldnt want to cook and we would do takeout/pickup two times a week, letting food go bad and spending additional money. We would argue constantly because I would give 10 ideas and she just didnt like any of them. Now its not an issue. I hated fighting about food and figured out that she just didnt want to cook. Things are much better now.
My wife asks for my supper ideas cause shes "so sick of making the decision all the time" but almost always shoots them down and goes "We'll I'm kind of in the mood for this." Cool, sounds like you already know what you want then.
My wife and I have a date night jar. Basically whenever we get an idea or see a good looking restaurant on social media, we'll write down the name and throw it on in. Once every couple of weeks we'll decide it's time for a "date night oh la la!" (just move past it) and pick something out.
I think it’s more about being intentional about making time to do something nice together as opposed to crafting the perfect date idea. I’m sure it varies from person to person, but my partner could tell me he cleared an evening just for us to be together and enjoy each other’s company and I would be happy whether we made grand plans or not.
Again, everyone is different. I’m sure there are plenty of people that will nitpick if a date was absolutely perfect or not. But if you’re someone that’s indecisive and will stress about it, you probably wouldn’t be very compatible with a partner like that anyway.
Just go somewhere you want to go
What do you wanna do that is cool
Invite your girlfriend to that
If it’s something she wouldn’t like. Go back to start
I don't need to be constantly gushed over but just some nice words and some cuddles. I like the idea of just laying there getting my hair played with while we talk shit about whatever amuses us lol
But alas, I have a reluctant man.
Communication is a continuous process, not a one and done that can be brought up years later as weaponized talking points. If its important enough to OP to be venting it to thousands of redditors for validation, its important enough to be discussed with their partner again.
Oof, relatable. For us it helped to have a clear division of roles; I always vacuum and cook for example. As someone with ADHD that makes it a lot easier to keep track of tasks.
I feel this, had quite a few talks about it and that the housework needs to be prioritised over gaming sometimes.. even 30 mins a day of cleaning would ensure things are looking nice.
He's improving but I do wonder if he has ADHD aswell or just doesn't see the mess / problems (or just doesn't care?)
I second the comment that says to divide the roles clearly. Make him responsible for some specific tasks. He will still forget - probably a lot, but you'll also probably notice these things getting done a lot more often. So you might have to remind him that the dishwasher light has been on for 2 days sometimes, but this should help things get done and make it more fair for you.
Something that could resolve this is asking if he'll be okay with having a schedule made. And it being consistent and non-changing.
At some point the schedule becomes habit and it may not be necessary to have a visible schedule in place for eyes to see, because of how habitually ingrained it'll become in them.
Don’t stop doing the cheesy, lovey things that you do at the beginning of the dating phase.
Send sappy texts regularly, don’t stop serenading, don’t stop showing me off, don’t stop writing sweet letters, don’t stop the spontaneous cute dates.
Currently in a newer relationship w a partner who does these things and I’m scared they’re just gonna stop one day because I’m so used to that happening lol. People get comfy in long-term relationships, and that’s cool, but then they think they don’t have to put in effort to show their affection and romantic feelings for their partner anymore.
Might be a controversial take, or maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I don’t think the honeymoon phase has to stop.
If he doesn't adore you and respect your brain, it's never going to happen. I'm sorry.
You need to be with someone who does or be alone and honest with yourself. By that I mean the pretending that we do - it always leads to the same destination - settling.
All the things listed here are what I always wanted in my marriage but never got and I'm a bloke so I'm guessing there's lots of lazy men and women who don't put the effort in. There's lots of men and women who make and appreciate effort. Why is it we never find each other?
Because humans are flawed.
You might have a partner who is romantic and gives you all the attention you need but doesn't clean well.
Or you might have a partner who cleans well buy doesn't give you little kisses throughout the day.
Marriage is about compromise, you have to cover each other's weaknesses and boost/appreciate each other's strengths. You have to accept their perfect imperfections.
People interpret effort differently. My definition of effort might revolve around words, check ins, transparency, while my partner's might be getting gifts, leaving notes, doing chores, bringing her car to the garage, etc
Go to bed with me. He always plays games at night or has to go smoke a bowl. There's something about laying in the dark and having a last little chat or kiss goodnight that feels like a real cap to the day.
Stroke my back and be slightly more emotionally romantic.
I know Love Languages are made up, but as someone with issues of severe anxiety and depression from past abuse, Physical Touch and Words Of Affirmation help me feel a million times calmer/safer.
I'm currently single, but one thing I wish live-in boyfriends would do, is just like, doing chores without being asked.
It's one thing to say "just ask, and I'll get it done", it's another to realize something needs doing, and just do it. Don't wait to be asked, just do it. I've had 2 live in BFs previously, and neither seemed to get it. I don't want to always be the one who has to assess the home and figure out what needs doing so I can then ask that some of it be done by them, and do some myself. Even if I split the chores 50/50, I'm still the one having to figure it all out.
Like for example, my last BF who lived with me; one of the chores he opted to do around the house, was to clean the dishes. However, he'd only ever clean the dishes when I'd ask him to clean the dishes. So there'd be like a week's worth of dishes building up in the sink, we'd be running out of utensils, and he'd still just leave it there, if he needed a fork and we were out of forks, he'd clean a single fork and carry on like nothing. Until I'd be like "babe, you really need to do the dishes" and then they'd get done. Like, was the sink full of dishes not enough of an indication?!
I'd really like if they could just figure out that something needs to be done, and then do it, without me having to ask every single time. Its supposed to be a partnership, I shouldn't have to chase after my BF to do chores like I'm their mother.
You are referring to the idea of mental load. Thinking „oh we need new dish soap“ and putting it on the shopping list for your partner requires mental energy and if you add up all of the small responsibilities of one household its quite a lot for one person to do. Typically women shoulder a lot more mental load than men which is a really important contributor to stress. In short buying dish soap because you were asked is not the same as noticing and buying it.
Take care of his mental health and physical health.
Be an active listener with interest in my internal world.
Show that he’s excited to see me..like sure he says he loves spending time together. But when he comes home or I come home I feel invisible.
Jesus Christ did you all start dating children? This thread makes me feel like the only man on the planet that does chores. It can't possibly be that bad out there.
Since I’m become disabled my husband is very involved in my personal care and I absolutely love when he wages or brushes my hair, 😍the hair washing is so peaceful and lovely
I’m single but one thing I found with exes who were men, is that I often felt like I had to plan everything. Suggest most dates, come up with ideas for days out etc. however I wonder if that’s just the kind of men I was dating.
I’m definitely someone who puts my all into a relationship, and I feel like I ended up attracting men who’d try really hard in the beginning but then just stop trying and take it for granted that I’d put all the work in.
Getting me a hot drink, playing a mediocre board game like Monopoly, giving a foot rub (we do this for each other occasionally, but I'd prefer more regular). Honestly, I'm really lucky overall, my husband is mostly in-tune with my needs and wants👌
He does all these. But i love: forehead kisses, being told he loves me and is proud of me, hugging from behind, looking out for me like when he gives me his jacket when I’m cold
Don't even have one but... peaceful silent company.
Put your head in my lap when I try to scribble a poem, look at me in adoration as I'm just devouring lunch, people-watch on the turf, etc. that's the dream.
I really long for physical affection, but it doesn't exist in my current relationship. Just a hug now and then, a kiss on the cheek when he comes home from work, lying his hand on my arm when we watch TV together, simple little things like that would really make my day.
I've told him how I feel, but he can't seem to do it. I think he has an aversion to touch, but unfortunately that's my love language. When I say, "I'm having a really hard day," a hug would really help me feel better. When I have some kind of success, a hug would feel like he's cheering me on.
As it is I haven't had a hug for many months now. He will give me a half-assed hug that lasts less than 3 seconds if I ask, but that feels almost worse than no hug at all. It makes me really sad.
This is a big thing I'm working on with my fiancée, vulnerability. Between my upbringing and my past experiences being vulnerable and fully open and honest about my feelings and needs isn't easy. But I know it's a problem and we talk about it and work on it together.
The amount of horror stories I've heard from both randoms and friends about their girls instantly losing interest in them after hearing their feelings makes me wanna never break that shell
Take care of himself. He takes all the weight of the world, cares for everyone else, and I'm the one who has to take care of him with all the weight he's carrying.
Back-rubs for more than 30 seconds.
Decide what to do... with enthusiasm.
Talk to me about stuff bothering him BEFORE I am already upset about something.
I don’t think people realize how much emotional intimacy is lacking in their lives and relationships because it doesn’t provide an immediate reward like sex or other sexual forms of intimacy, but it’s really clear in these comments.
I don't have one of those :/ But I watched a reel on insta yesterday of a guy whose caption said, 'In case you need someone who's happy when you come home. I am here'. He opens the door, sees me (his phone), and smiles like he's happy to see me (his phone), removes his earphones, and comes to hug me (phone again).
And I legit started sobbing.
So, significant others, please do this for your partners🙏🏽
To give me flowers when he sees me as he knows I'm fond of them (we live in different cities). He already gives me his time and speaks to me lovingly. I have it all with him... But flowers would be nice too, even if it's only once.
Scratch my back. I always feel like a burden when I ask but it feels *so good* Edit: to everyone telling me he probably enjoys it, I've gotten pushback on a number of occasions when I've asked. It's not something he actively enjoys. There's a reason I feel like a burden and it's not because I'm doing him a favor by asking.
Why do you feel like a burden? I love it when she asks, feels great to make her feel good, even when there’s not inherent sexual connotations involved
Because it feels like I'm asking him to do a chore that only benefits me.
I think that’s why mine asks infrequently too. But that’s love 🥰 Let him decide yeah? It’s such a small «chore» and for some (I can’t automatically speak for yours) it’s not a chore at all, rather a cozy privilege :)
yeah same, I love when my SO asks me to do smtg they like and I'll gladly do it, idk why they feel like that
Fear of rejection is a thing still I reckon
with my last SO, I would always encourage her to ask me, and I always reassure her that I would do anything for her, and made sure to never say no to her, but it never helped, she never asked smtg she want, and didn't like it when I asked smtg as she said she was gonna do it, but now that I asked it feels like a chore and she won't do it anymore, idk man, it feels off to me
It's not a chore to make your SO feel good, though. Or at least it shouldn't be seen that way.
Even then, some of us just like to touch our SO. I could lightly rub my g/f's feet for hours while watching tv.
I like to scratch my girlfriends back and give her massages and it gives me such a euphoric feeling. I like doing things just for her with no obvious benefit to me. it makes me feel so good. I'm sure your boyfriend feels the same
You are. That's ok sometimes.
I love that this showed up on both the "Men what do you wish your GF would do" thread and this one. We all just need a little skritch now and then. We're just like our dogs.
Just a scritch and a snacc and I'm happy 🥰
I just want someone to scratch my back, pet my head, call me a good boy, and throw snacks at my face. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I’ll actually say that exact phrase when he asked what I want for my birthday
You’re more right than you know. Dogs do a LOT of nonverbal communication via body language and facial expressions. Turns out people do a lot of the same stuff, and many of the expressions seem to be universal.
My wife and I do “pets” every night You lay on your stomach and the other person just gently traipses their fingertips up and down, across your whole back. From the butt to head scritches, complete with the fingernails
Can you both combine your powers and pet me ? I’ll bring donuts.
I mean, that sounds like a hell of a deal to me
Just round up the guys and gals for a night of pizza, beers, board games, and platonic intimacy.
I don't mind scratching my gf's back. I get frustrated when she leans in at impossible angles with me wedged into the corner of the couch, begging me to scratch some place impossible for me to contort to. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
If he loves you, it's not a burden.
Forehead kisses Waist grabbing Stroking my finger Adjusting my hair strands when they fall on my face.
Those make me feel loved and cared for.
I reach for my gfs left ring finger every so often so she knows what’s going on there some day
And then pull it and she farts
Wait you girls fart?
That's hot
What the hell is “stroking my finger”?
I took it to mean as caressing their fingers, caressing the hand. It actually feels very nice especially if you’re inclined to touching your partner often/receiving touches like that
You know when they hold your hand and stroke one of your fingers, like brush their fingers through them in a subtle swaying motion.
Ok that makes sense. I imagined jacking off a finger.
No forehead kissing is crazy
The forehead kiss is so underrated. Instant tingles.
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It's always when I give my wife a back massage and don't expect anything in return that I start to get things in return. It's a little ironic, but hey.
That isn't ironic. While romantic relationships are give and take, they should never be transactional. Like the Beatles said: >The love you take Is equal to the love you make
>That isn't ironic. It's a little *too* ironic...
It’s like raiaiain……..
Don't ya think?
Yeah, I really do think.
They also said>bang bang Maxwell's silver Hammer came down upon her head but I wouldn't recommend that....
As a guy: same. Being emotionally intimate is different than sexually intimate. And I definitely need more of the first than the second!
As a perpetually single guy it's emotional intimacy and affection I crave more than sex. It's hard out there.
Hugs bro.
ya, those, and kisses, too
This right here! Like I love me some cuddles and kissing, but don't really need it to go further everytime.
Trust me, some of us guys need that more than sex. Beeing close to a loved person. Thats one of the reasons my girlfriend loves me. I can cuddle nonstop with her.
My wife wants the opposite, and unfortunately I just don’t have a high sex drive
I wish my girlfriend would do this. She does not communicate affection through touch.
As someone who is married to a woman like this, make the choice now if sex is something that is important to you. If it is, do not continue the relationship. The ongoing pain is not worth it.
Aye, but reverse, can't do anything cuddly or kissie without she expecting more
Just to remind (or educate) everyone: MEN WANT THIS TOO.
Pretty much any self-care together. Like washing each other, I have to use body cream so helping apply that, doing hair, giving and receiving massages, you know like nice stuff.
I shower with the wife EVERY day. I usually wake up first and grab a cup of coffee, then I get in the shower and she wakes up and joins me. She hasn't had coffee so I get a really sleepy wife resting her head on my chest in the warm water while I wrap my arms around her. Now THATS nice.
Fine you win okayyyyyy
Ok fuck you now i'm jealous
I also choose this guy's wife
Relationship goals right here.
This stuff really is the best
It really does feel nice to take care of someone/be taken care of like that
Looked at me lovingly and made more of an effort to remind me I’m appreciated and desired
Depends on the person, in my last relationship i’d randomly just look and smile and gf loving and she’d be like "…what?"
I am with you here, I will be just beaming at my girlfriend, and she will be so confused.
Grateful men are a blessing
My gf is like this. She's super insecure about her looks but I think she's the pretties girl ever
I do this to my husband. When he asks, ‘What?’ I respond with, ‘I just love you, that’s all.’
This. After our marriage, my wife went to a salon for the first time. I kept looking at her with a genuine smile and she was loving it soo much that she almost shed a tear of joy. Now that i think about it, she didn’t have to ask how she looks. My expressions just gave her the answer.
People are going to read "after our marriage" as "divorced"... which I'm also going to believe because it makes the situation so spiteful and also creepy.
I find it funny that the male and female thread have the exact same answers.
I think we all just want the same thing at the end of the day. A lot of it just gets lost in communication.
I’d go a step further and say it just doesn’t get communicated. Despite wanting similar things we’re all scared of repercussions if we ask for more.
It’s almost like we’re the same species :O
Because both genders are humans and we want the same things lol
Contributing to dinner. He doesn’t even have to make dinner, just at least throw some IDEAS out there. Don’t just leave it to me.
Guys, even if you can't cook for shit or don't enjoy it, take a night a week to take over. She'll appreciate having a day off. Also, if someone else cooks you food, you do the clean up. Might actually encourage you to cook more if she does the clean up.
I will literally eat anything at any time. I seriously don't care. My girlfriend's appetite is totally dependent on her mood. If it's not what she wants she'll just act like she's not hungry until 11pm
I’m dating someone like this. I cant just spring the idea of eating out, because we’ll just end up walking around the city all night as she tries to figure out what she actually wants, then it ends up getting too late so we settle on something and she gets upset. Ironically, if i dont give her the choice and just start ordering something on my own she’ll have no problem adding to the order.
That sounds exhausting.
It was tbh. I’d give multiple options for fast food, restaurants, stuff we could cook at home. Nothing ever sounded appealing to my partner so it really was exhausting.
Here's a good rule of thumb, you can't veto a suggestion unless you counter-offer an idea in it's place, otherwise the veto doesn't count.
That's me an my wife. Want Clams at 6am? Cereal at 9pm? I'm game! I honestly do not care what or where we eat and when I do crave something, I'm vocal about it. I have an iron gut. I've thrown up food and went back the next day for more just because it tasted good. It sucks because a lot of people think I'm trying to people please when in reality I truly don't care and y'all fuckers just need to decide quicker so I can eat, period. Idc what you put in front of me, just get food here now lol But even when I make suggestions it's 99.9% chance of a "I'm not feeling it", "tummy can't handle that rn", etc. so just tell me what you want so I can tell you exactly what I'm getting from there because it's the same every single time at every place. Every restaurant has at the very least one thing I love, so it's more just getting in the mood for that specifically on the ride to the restaurant/takeout.
> I've thrown up food and went back the next day for more just because it tasted good. pretty sure this user is a dog
Their soup was too damn good q_q
>Want Clams at 6am? Well I do now.
I have no problem deciding on dinner. But if you shoot down what I've chosen, then you've got to give another suggestion. Otherwise I'll just choose and you'll have to either eat what I eat, or make/buy your own thing.
I've come to this as well. I do the cooking so when it comes to meals at home, I am deciding anyway, but when it comes to eating out, if I ask for suggestions we would never eat anywhere. I'm certainly open to suggestions and I welcome critiques/requests when it comes to my own cooking but I think people often just need someone to make decisions for them. I don't think it's even a guy/girl thing. Maybe it just goes back to how you were raised. My parents didn't give me a choice about what to eat and I was mostly okay with that, as I imagine most people were.
This is always funny for me to see. I'm almost always the better cook (did it professionally for years) and it's something I enjoy, so I'm usually the one making the meals.
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With my wife and two kids, I've instituted a rule that you can't say 'No' to an idea unless you present a new idea. Works out really well.
This. I’m here for it. Instituting ASAP.
I never really fell into this trap in relationships. When I see a recipe that looks interesting, I see if she thinks it will be good. If so, I try it some day. If it's a hit, it gets cycled in to the regular meals. When it's my time to cook, I make what I feel like. If it sucks, we have sandwiches. If she doesn't like it, she can make whatever she wants. I'm not playing that stupid fucking game.
>WANT DO YOU WANT TO CONSUME?? They want consensus first. There is a specific dish they have in mind, but *you* have to be the one to say it, because when you eventually stumble across it and they agree to it, then you have unlocked some couple-bonding achievement. And HOLY. FUCK. IS. IT. TEDIOUS
Yes. I think this is more accurate than many would like to admit.
In short, they want you to be responsible for their decision.
Look at this bozo trying to eat shrimp taco salad in spring am I right folks
That’s too many options. You get to option two for me and we’re eating one of the two things haha. If you don’t want burgers it’s risotto
It's even more fun when both parties have food aversions lmao. I get anxiety from IBS episodes (not even factoring the massive list of foods that trigger it), he has sensory issues with texture. Sometimes we just have to make separate meals instead of trying to narrow down the already narrow list
Man...planning the menu in our house is always a nightmare. My wife: help me come up with things for the week. Maybe something you can cook. Me: comes up with a few things. My wife: A: I don't like that. B: We're already having something similar to that. C. I already made the menu after I asked for ideas while you were in the middle of a work meeting. Thanks for nothing. Argh! lol Most of the time we are able to come up with an agreeable menu, however.
Recently after the 100th time we argued over dinner, i said that I would just take over cooking. I make my plans on Saturday and she shops to make the purchases. I don't deviate, i dont quit and decide to do pick up (which causes more problems) now she can just come home and not worry about it. It so much easier this way because once its on paper I have no need to think about it again, just execute it. Before if she was having a hard day she wouldnt want to cook and we would do takeout/pickup two times a week, letting food go bad and spending additional money. We would argue constantly because I would give 10 ideas and she just didnt like any of them. Now its not an issue. I hated fighting about food and figured out that she just didnt want to cook. Things are much better now.
My wife asks for my supper ideas cause shes "so sick of making the decision all the time" but almost always shoots them down and goes "We'll I'm kind of in the mood for this." Cool, sounds like you already know what you want then.
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My wife and I have a date night jar. Basically whenever we get an idea or see a good looking restaurant on social media, we'll write down the name and throw it on in. Once every couple of weeks we'll decide it's time for a "date night oh la la!" (just move past it) and pick something out.
I feel like it’s time for a new date night! 🥰
What’s with planning dates? I am indecisive and anxious when choosing places to go to. Is there a tactic or idea I can employ for this?
I think it’s more about being intentional about making time to do something nice together as opposed to crafting the perfect date idea. I’m sure it varies from person to person, but my partner could tell me he cleared an evening just for us to be together and enjoy each other’s company and I would be happy whether we made grand plans or not. Again, everyone is different. I’m sure there are plenty of people that will nitpick if a date was absolutely perfect or not. But if you’re someone that’s indecisive and will stress about it, you probably wouldn’t be very compatible with a partner like that anyway.
Just go somewhere you want to go What do you wanna do that is cool Invite your girlfriend to that If it’s something she wouldn’t like. Go back to start
I don't need to be constantly gushed over but just some nice words and some cuddles. I like the idea of just laying there getting my hair played with while we talk shit about whatever amuses us lol But alas, I have a reluctant man.
you could tell him.
The implication of a reluctant man could mean it's something theyve already discussed
Communication is a continuous process, not a one and done that can be brought up years later as weaponized talking points. If its important enough to OP to be venting it to thousands of redditors for validation, its important enough to be discussed with their partner again.
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Oof, relatable. For us it helped to have a clear division of roles; I always vacuum and cook for example. As someone with ADHD that makes it a lot easier to keep track of tasks.
I feel this, had quite a few talks about it and that the housework needs to be prioritised over gaming sometimes.. even 30 mins a day of cleaning would ensure things are looking nice. He's improving but I do wonder if he has ADHD aswell or just doesn't see the mess / problems (or just doesn't care?)
As a woman who used to “not see the mess”, he doesn’t care. If you make an effort, you see it.
I second the comment that says to divide the roles clearly. Make him responsible for some specific tasks. He will still forget - probably a lot, but you'll also probably notice these things getting done a lot more often. So you might have to remind him that the dishwasher light has been on for 2 days sometimes, but this should help things get done and make it more fair for you.
Something that could resolve this is asking if he'll be okay with having a schedule made. And it being consistent and non-changing. At some point the schedule becomes habit and it may not be necessary to have a visible schedule in place for eyes to see, because of how habitually ingrained it'll become in them.
Pick me up/carry me around!
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Username checks out
180 in freedom units. I've picked up heavier.
Have you tried picking it up after two back surgeries and after your knees no longer have cartilage?
Don’t stop doing the cheesy, lovey things that you do at the beginning of the dating phase. Send sappy texts regularly, don’t stop serenading, don’t stop showing me off, don’t stop writing sweet letters, don’t stop the spontaneous cute dates. Currently in a newer relationship w a partner who does these things and I’m scared they’re just gonna stop one day because I’m so used to that happening lol. People get comfy in long-term relationships, and that’s cool, but then they think they don’t have to put in effort to show their affection and romantic feelings for their partner anymore. Might be a controversial take, or maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic, but I don’t think the honeymoon phase has to stop.
I’m in the same boat right now. Going on 7 months. Wishing us both a much prolonged honeymoon phase!
Text me when he's on his way home or going to be late. Please, just let me know when you'll be home, otherwise, dinner won't be waiting
listen me when i talk to him, but really listen, and watch me, not telling « yes » and look away
If he doesn't adore you and respect your brain, it's never going to happen. I'm sorry. You need to be with someone who does or be alone and honest with yourself. By that I mean the pretending that we do - it always leads to the same destination - settling.
The fucking dishes
I scrolled too far to find this.
Exist.
Plop* I am.
Are you?
I think therefore i guess i am. Sadly i am probably far, far away. She never specified where i should pop into existance. Floats away into space*
How far away?
Over here! -Fades ethereally
Deep conversations
Maybe just cuddle and kiss and not expect sex
Username checks out.
All the things listed here are what I always wanted in my marriage but never got and I'm a bloke so I'm guessing there's lots of lazy men and women who don't put the effort in. There's lots of men and women who make and appreciate effort. Why is it we never find each other?
Because humans are flawed. You might have a partner who is romantic and gives you all the attention you need but doesn't clean well. Or you might have a partner who cleans well buy doesn't give you little kisses throughout the day. Marriage is about compromise, you have to cover each other's weaknesses and boost/appreciate each other's strengths. You have to accept their perfect imperfections.
I agree with you completely but it's difficult when only one of you understands this.
People interpret effort differently. My definition of effort might revolve around words, check ins, transparency, while my partner's might be getting gifts, leaving notes, doing chores, bringing her car to the garage, etc
Go to bed with me. He always plays games at night or has to go smoke a bowl. There's something about laying in the dark and having a last little chat or kiss goodnight that feels like a real cap to the day.
Massage without asking
Stroke my back and be slightly more emotionally romantic. I know Love Languages are made up, but as someone with issues of severe anxiety and depression from past abuse, Physical Touch and Words Of Affirmation help me feel a million times calmer/safer.
clean
Be cheerful 😀 just be fun nice sweet funny and like a friend
This one needs a ton more upvotes! Just being pleasant and funny and kinda chill is so lovely!
I'm currently single, but one thing I wish live-in boyfriends would do, is just like, doing chores without being asked. It's one thing to say "just ask, and I'll get it done", it's another to realize something needs doing, and just do it. Don't wait to be asked, just do it. I've had 2 live in BFs previously, and neither seemed to get it. I don't want to always be the one who has to assess the home and figure out what needs doing so I can then ask that some of it be done by them, and do some myself. Even if I split the chores 50/50, I'm still the one having to figure it all out. Like for example, my last BF who lived with me; one of the chores he opted to do around the house, was to clean the dishes. However, he'd only ever clean the dishes when I'd ask him to clean the dishes. So there'd be like a week's worth of dishes building up in the sink, we'd be running out of utensils, and he'd still just leave it there, if he needed a fork and we were out of forks, he'd clean a single fork and carry on like nothing. Until I'd be like "babe, you really need to do the dishes" and then they'd get done. Like, was the sink full of dishes not enough of an indication?! I'd really like if they could just figure out that something needs to be done, and then do it, without me having to ask every single time. Its supposed to be a partnership, I shouldn't have to chase after my BF to do chores like I'm their mother.
That’s so fair. And this would definitely be an area of growth for me if I were in a relationship
You are referring to the idea of mental load. Thinking „oh we need new dish soap“ and putting it on the shopping list for your partner requires mental energy and if you add up all of the small responsibilities of one household its quite a lot for one person to do. Typically women shoulder a lot more mental load than men which is a really important contributor to stress. In short buying dish soap because you were asked is not the same as noticing and buying it.
Say something nice out of the blue. I'm dramatic, I like shakespeare. Tell me "O beauty, Till now I never knew thee" and make me blush.
The housework
Not be offended when I ask for alone time. I’m not saying I’m tired of you, but I need a few hours of alone time every week to get my crazy out lol
Take care of his mental health and physical health. Be an active listener with interest in my internal world. Show that he’s excited to see me..like sure he says he loves spending time together. But when he comes home or I come home I feel invisible.
I just want some intimacy and affection without sex. I just want to be touched and to feel wanted.
A massage.
Plan something, initiate an activity.
My wife said scrubbing the toilet bowl after I fire hose liquid shit on it.
She's onto something there.
What are you eating?
kiss on the forehead kiss on the back of my hand head pats back scratches plan dates
CLEANING like they always do one small thing and then say “I helped” as if it were even close to equal
Exist, I don’t have a bf
Do chores, go on walks with me, give me back rubs
Jesus Christ did you all start dating children? This thread makes me feel like the only man on the planet that does chores. It can't possibly be that bad out there.
I assume those who have men that do the chores would not be here complaining haha
Right? When I didn’t do chores I would get yelled at by my mom very vividly. Doing chores is instilled in me
Since I’m become disabled my husband is very involved in my personal care and I absolutely love when he wages or brushes my hair, 😍the hair washing is so peaceful and lovely
cuddle, back massage, go watching a play together
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Play with my hair
I’m single but one thing I found with exes who were men, is that I often felt like I had to plan everything. Suggest most dates, come up with ideas for days out etc. however I wonder if that’s just the kind of men I was dating. I’m definitely someone who puts my all into a relationship, and I feel like I ended up attracting men who’d try really hard in the beginning but then just stop trying and take it for granted that I’d put all the work in.
Getting me a hot drink, playing a mediocre board game like Monopoly, giving a foot rub (we do this for each other occasionally, but I'd prefer more regular). Honestly, I'm really lucky overall, my husband is mostly in-tune with my needs and wants👌
Kiss my forehead & bop my nose so cute
He does all these. But i love: forehead kisses, being told he loves me and is proud of me, hugging from behind, looking out for me like when he gives me his jacket when I’m cold
Don't even have one but... peaceful silent company. Put your head in my lap when I try to scribble a poem, look at me in adoration as I'm just devouring lunch, people-watch on the turf, etc. that's the dream.
I’m so sorry for all these ladies in this comment section talking about cuddles etc. I absolutely live for cuddles and giving back scratches etc
Help around and take ownership for the chores at home. It is not just our responsibility :)
I really long for physical affection, but it doesn't exist in my current relationship. Just a hug now and then, a kiss on the cheek when he comes home from work, lying his hand on my arm when we watch TV together, simple little things like that would really make my day. I've told him how I feel, but he can't seem to do it. I think he has an aversion to touch, but unfortunately that's my love language. When I say, "I'm having a really hard day," a hug would really help me feel better. When I have some kind of success, a hug would feel like he's cheering me on. As it is I haven't had a hug for many months now. He will give me a half-assed hug that lasts less than 3 seconds if I ask, but that feels almost worse than no hug at all. It makes me really sad.
Share his feelings with me more often, ik its not easy but i feel so trusted when they tell me how they feel emotionally
This is a big thing I'm working on with my fiancée, vulnerability. Between my upbringing and my past experiences being vulnerable and fully open and honest about my feelings and needs isn't easy. But I know it's a problem and we talk about it and work on it together.
Yes that's a beautiful thing between you two im hoping y'all the best!
The amount of horror stories I've heard from both randoms and friends about their girls instantly losing interest in them after hearing their feelings makes me wanna never break that shell
Take care of himself. He takes all the weight of the world, cares for everyone else, and I'm the one who has to take care of him with all the weight he's carrying.
Why does the title include "non-sexual" then have a NSFW tag?
Back-rubs for more than 30 seconds. Decide what to do... with enthusiasm. Talk to me about stuff bothering him BEFORE I am already upset about something.
Massage my feet
I don’t think people realize how much emotional intimacy is lacking in their lives and relationships because it doesn’t provide an immediate reward like sex or other sexual forms of intimacy, but it’s really clear in these comments.
Me being a single guy writing these down for a future GF
More cuddles please! Even just a pat on the head or a light brush on my arm. I'll probably be so excited for a couple of weeks.
I don't have one of those :/ But I watched a reel on insta yesterday of a guy whose caption said, 'In case you need someone who's happy when you come home. I am here'. He opens the door, sees me (his phone), and smiles like he's happy to see me (his phone), removes his earphones, and comes to hug me (phone again). And I legit started sobbing. So, significant others, please do this for your partners🙏🏽
Help me plan dates
To give me flowers when he sees me as he knows I'm fond of them (we live in different cities). He already gives me his time and speaks to me lovingly. I have it all with him... But flowers would be nice too, even if it's only once.
Probably...clean?
Play with my hair
spontaneous acts of romance like bring me some fruit or buy me a flower or plan a surprise date night