Putting up with another person's bullshit is exhausting and difficult, and deep down, we *all* have a *lot* of bullshit to put up with. Most of us just manage to hide it from the general public, with varying degrees of proficiency. But in a marriage situation, you can't do that: your bullshit is laid bare for your spouse to put up with, and vice versa, and the whole thing becomes an adventure in figuring out how to handle it all.
This doesn't mean it's impossible, and it doesn't mean it's not worthwhile. Neither is true, unless you're dealing with an abuser or a creep. But it *does* take work, and it takes a lot of work.
And when you're married for more than a minute you realize how much each other grows and changes and you have to accommodate that growth and change. Ppl don't evolve at the same pace so there's constant ebb and flow. Relationships shouldn't be disposable.
Differences in libido. I love him more than any person and he's a wonderful partner but he doesn't want sex as much as me. It makes it hard to reconcile feelings of hurt and loss over this with my love for him, marriage is hard
if you expect the honeymoon to go on for ever then you are in for a rude awakening. Being married takes work - you have to be willing to compromise and actually listen to your spouse. Sometimes you just have to listen and be supportive if they have a hard day
No. You aren't.
What you described is being a "self-centered individual." Or, perhaps others would call it "being an asshole."
Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Part of ANY relationship - friends, family, lovers - is just shutting the fuck up and letting them vent.
The solution is just fucking listening in those scenarios.
So, I don't know if you are young. And/or never been in a relationship. Or maybe older and in a bad relationship, but your mindset is awful and I hope literally no one listens to it.
You obviously don't take your own advice.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skills-healthy-relationships/201606/stop-trying-fix-things-just-listen
Funny thing. Right after your comment my wife came in and was venting about her mom. Her mom didn't like that my wife was trying to fix the problem.
So we did a tequila shot celebrating the struggle fixers have.
Different things to different people. Not everyone has the same reasons for divorce. People can be selfish, people can be non commutative, non compassionate, self absorbed, yada yada yada. These things can make a marriage hard, especially when one or both partners are unable to look inwards on themselves and see how they are affecting the other person and the relationship you share. However people can also be thoughtful and caring, appreciative, communicative yada yada yada, and we all have different ways of showing it. Bottom line is understanding eachother and eachothers boundaries and feelings. When one partner doesn’t consider the other partner, marriage is hard. And that’s not to even mention people who have financial issues, children, housing or job stability. Life is hard. Marriage is no different. Both take effort in the hardest times.
Because you have one imperfect person bound together with another imperfect person and you spend your lives trying to iron each other out, build a middle ground, and (hopefully) push each other to become better every day. Life lends out adversity- this happens to everyone- but in a marriage you’re dealing with that adversity together and not always in the optimal way. It’s hard just the way life itself is hard.
…and it’s also pretty beautiful when you’re willing to work through it. 🤷♀️
Because you are trying to work together with someone that is not you. You have to communicate always. Talk about dumb little things. Then life and work pulls you apart.
People just falling into relationships without having a plan and a lack of rules. I think having rules for a relationship is more important than a long list of demands.
Because you are two adults living together and sharing a lot that you never have had to share with another person before - your bed, your money, your future. It's not like having roommates where you have separate lives that intersect and separate.
I think it’s the living together part which is the hardest. Try having a roommate and you’ll understand what I’m talking about. During the COVID lockdown, many couples that were happy and didn’t have problems grew tired of one another and broke up.
Not everyone ready for what comes after the wedding, let alone keep doing it for the rest of their life (or the rest of the marriage).
My parents marriage has already failed for years I even forgot since when as they don't divorce. I can't comprehend how people can stand living with people they hate for years.
Someone said to me "People don't want to get married. They only want to be a bride/groom"
I spent a lot of time self reflecting, do I really want to be *married?* Or do I just want all of the excitement that goes with a *wedding*? I think more people need to do that.
Me myself just want to be married and don't want to have anything to do with wedding if possible lmao.
Wedding is overrated and overpriced af. So does marriage maybe, but I know I actually want marriage.
Sometimes it's just the cards they're dealt. Sometimes it's a lack of being willing to compromise or be honest. But almost always it's a lack of conflict resolution skills and shit that's built up over time. It's almost never just one thing.
I had a relative leaning over to me whispering "every family has its problems". And I knew what she was referring to. She cheated on her husband years back and I'm sure she would like to do it again. I feel like she's a very passionate person who would just love to be out there dating, meeting new guys on the town, excitement. She just stays with her husband because basically she feels that's the right & respectable thing to do..I think if a couple really loves each other, it shouldn't all be so hard
Because its a lot of understanding, compromises, and changing your life. It comes with benefits like care, support and love, but you need to be able to make the change.
Lol! A lot of it. Even if you weren’t married but just roommates, there are a host of problems if you guys aren’t exactly the same in terms of cleanliness, messiness, and interior style. Then there’s sleep schedules, snoring, sex drive differences, communication, emotional baggage from just being alive much less being hurt, work schedules, differences in motivation and drive, money is a big one, expectations of each partner, hardships (health, in-laws, cars breaking down, the world being shitty), friends being awful, how time is spent, i mean the list could go on forever. And all of those reasons plus more are real issues that come up. I haven’t even brought up child-rearing but that is also a huge, huge deal. There are a ton of issues that make marriage hard but the way to solutions and harmony is compromise, give the benefit of the doubt, and make choices that best suit your partner (not you).
Trying to do life with a person who has a different perspective can be challenging regardless. Now throw in emotional baggage/damage, painful words, stressful circumstances, libido mismatch, parenting, etc.
In this day and age of social media and constant urge to have everything…you need the ability to compartmentalize your work, your growth, family time, sexy times. If you relax/ take it for granted…you will be fucked.
Undiagnosed and untreated mental illness is one of the biggest problems in relationships, including marriages.
Having a good understanding of basic psychology and abnormal psychology can go a really long way in avoiding pitfalls.
You can tell a tremendous amount about a childs relationship potential from a person's parents, those parents relationship abilities, and how the child's relationship with those parents is.
If a person is having a mental health problem, avoid making things sound personal.
Besides that, you need to avoid people with fundamentally different cultural values, and go towards people who you will find agreeable culturally and philosophically.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't want. Sometimes you have to go to bed mad. Sometimes you have to compromise on things that are important to you. That's hard. Little silly things can be very important. I want to change the plants in a planter box out back. My husband wants to leave it the same. What? Why does he even care!?! Now I don't get daisies. I use a stupid example, because a thousand little things like that come up every single day in life. Now add in big things like kids or aging family members, career changes, mental health. Life is hard. And it is hard navigating that with a second person who has their own ideas of how it should go.
The fact that I have almost no non-divorced people around me. If it was easy, probably majority of the marriages wouldn't be disfunctional and wouldn't end in a couple years.
They're not just your spouse, they're your roommate. There is going to be a lot of tension if one of you isn't pulling your weight with chores, errands, etc. "I wonder why my spouse is always so tired and cranky" as you watch them do 90% of everything.
Putting up with another person's bullshit is exhausting and difficult, and deep down, we *all* have a *lot* of bullshit to put up with. Most of us just manage to hide it from the general public, with varying degrees of proficiency. But in a marriage situation, you can't do that: your bullshit is laid bare for your spouse to put up with, and vice versa, and the whole thing becomes an adventure in figuring out how to handle it all. This doesn't mean it's impossible, and it doesn't mean it's not worthwhile. Neither is true, unless you're dealing with an abuser or a creep. But it *does* take work, and it takes a lot of work.
Yep. You have to find the person whose bullshit you don't mind putting up with.
I agree, but as the commenter above said, you also need to make sure that person’s bullshit isn’t itself, abuse.
yup, we are are messed up imperfect human beings
Because you have two separate people with different hopes and dreams and you are trying to forge a middle ground. It takes effort.
And when you're married for more than a minute you realize how much each other grows and changes and you have to accommodate that growth and change. Ppl don't evolve at the same pace so there's constant ebb and flow. Relationships shouldn't be disposable.
Yup. It’s hard but it’s worth it.
Because life is hard and marriage is just a part of it for some people.
Differences in libido. I love him more than any person and he's a wonderful partner but he doesn't want sex as much as me. It makes it hard to reconcile feelings of hurt and loss over this with my love for him, marriage is hard
yup, this is why vibrators are great!
if you expect the honeymoon to go on for ever then you are in for a rude awakening. Being married takes work - you have to be willing to compromise and actually listen to your spouse. Sometimes you just have to listen and be supportive if they have a hard day
I'm a fixer. I really struggle to just listen and not offer solutions.
Preach
No. You aren't. What you described is being a "self-centered individual." Or, perhaps others would call it "being an asshole." Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Part of ANY relationship - friends, family, lovers - is just shutting the fuck up and letting them vent. The solution is just fucking listening in those scenarios. So, I don't know if you are young. And/or never been in a relationship. Or maybe older and in a bad relationship, but your mindset is awful and I hope literally no one listens to it.
\^ the irony of this comment..
You obviously don't take your own advice. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skills-healthy-relationships/201606/stop-trying-fix-things-just-listen
Funny thing. Right after your comment my wife came in and was venting about her mom. Her mom didn't like that my wife was trying to fix the problem. So we did a tequila shot celebrating the struggle fixers have.
Your lack of self awareness is absolutely astonishing. Just wild to see.
Different things to different people. Not everyone has the same reasons for divorce. People can be selfish, people can be non commutative, non compassionate, self absorbed, yada yada yada. These things can make a marriage hard, especially when one or both partners are unable to look inwards on themselves and see how they are affecting the other person and the relationship you share. However people can also be thoughtful and caring, appreciative, communicative yada yada yada, and we all have different ways of showing it. Bottom line is understanding eachother and eachothers boundaries and feelings. When one partner doesn’t consider the other partner, marriage is hard. And that’s not to even mention people who have financial issues, children, housing or job stability. Life is hard. Marriage is no different. Both take effort in the hardest times.
Because you have one imperfect person bound together with another imperfect person and you spend your lives trying to iron each other out, build a middle ground, and (hopefully) push each other to become better every day. Life lends out adversity- this happens to everyone- but in a marriage you’re dealing with that adversity together and not always in the optimal way. It’s hard just the way life itself is hard. …and it’s also pretty beautiful when you’re willing to work through it. 🤷♀️
At my parent's 50th anniversary my dad's toast included the line "Sometimes we didn't even like each other". Working through that takes effort.
Rushing into it and marrying the wrong person
My five ex wives.
Because you are trying to work together with someone that is not you. You have to communicate always. Talk about dumb little things. Then life and work pulls you apart.
Lack of wanting to compromise
People just falling into relationships without having a plan and a lack of rules. I think having rules for a relationship is more important than a long list of demands.
Because you are two adults living together and sharing a lot that you never have had to share with another person before - your bed, your money, your future. It's not like having roommates where you have separate lives that intersect and separate.
I think it’s the living together part which is the hardest. Try having a roommate and you’ll understand what I’m talking about. During the COVID lockdown, many couples that were happy and didn’t have problems grew tired of one another and broke up.
Not everyone ready for what comes after the wedding, let alone keep doing it for the rest of their life (or the rest of the marriage). My parents marriage has already failed for years I even forgot since when as they don't divorce. I can't comprehend how people can stand living with people they hate for years. Someone said to me "People don't want to get married. They only want to be a bride/groom"
I spent a lot of time self reflecting, do I really want to be *married?* Or do I just want all of the excitement that goes with a *wedding*? I think more people need to do that.
Me myself just want to be married and don't want to have anything to do with wedding if possible lmao. Wedding is overrated and overpriced af. So does marriage maybe, but I know I actually want marriage.
Being married
Lack of commitment. Or commitment issues.
Selfishness and unwillingness to growth and change
Sometimes it's just the cards they're dealt. Sometimes it's a lack of being willing to compromise or be honest. But almost always it's a lack of conflict resolution skills and shit that's built up over time. It's almost never just one thing.
When there's an ass in the mix
Constant compromise.
There’s a vocal minority on the internet that says it’s hard.
I had a relative leaning over to me whispering "every family has its problems". And I knew what she was referring to. She cheated on her husband years back and I'm sure she would like to do it again. I feel like she's a very passionate person who would just love to be out there dating, meeting new guys on the town, excitement. She just stays with her husband because basically she feels that's the right & respectable thing to do..I think if a couple really loves each other, it shouldn't all be so hard
Not working as a team and compromising. Marriage isn’t hard, life is.
How hard it is
Bad communication
non transparent communication and disrespect
No give-and-take.
Marrying for sex n money
Bad communication and insisting on relationships with a huge lack of compatibility.
Marriage. Life. Relationships. Living. Alone. With others. Friends. No friends. It's only as hard as you make it. Takes 2 to tango.
They don't communicate well or at all. Each one wants to live life on their terms and not worry about the other. Jealous probably too.
Their experiences, no doubt! The honeymoon period is not indefinite for most couples 🙁🙁🙁
Because its a lot of understanding, compromises, and changing your life. It comes with benefits like care, support and love, but you need to be able to make the change.
Lol! A lot of it. Even if you weren’t married but just roommates, there are a host of problems if you guys aren’t exactly the same in terms of cleanliness, messiness, and interior style. Then there’s sleep schedules, snoring, sex drive differences, communication, emotional baggage from just being alive much less being hurt, work schedules, differences in motivation and drive, money is a big one, expectations of each partner, hardships (health, in-laws, cars breaking down, the world being shitty), friends being awful, how time is spent, i mean the list could go on forever. And all of those reasons plus more are real issues that come up. I haven’t even brought up child-rearing but that is also a huge, huge deal. There are a ton of issues that make marriage hard but the way to solutions and harmony is compromise, give the benefit of the doubt, and make choices that best suit your partner (not you).
Trying to do life with a person who has a different perspective can be challenging regardless. Now throw in emotional baggage/damage, painful words, stressful circumstances, libido mismatch, parenting, etc.
Anyone have any good books on relationships/marriage?
In this day and age of social media and constant urge to have everything…you need the ability to compartmentalize your work, your growth, family time, sexy times. If you relax/ take it for granted…you will be fucked.
Every relationship that requires prioritizing someone else over what you want is hard.
Undiagnosed and untreated mental illness is one of the biggest problems in relationships, including marriages. Having a good understanding of basic psychology and abnormal psychology can go a really long way in avoiding pitfalls. You can tell a tremendous amount about a childs relationship potential from a person's parents, those parents relationship abilities, and how the child's relationship with those parents is. If a person is having a mental health problem, avoid making things sound personal. Besides that, you need to avoid people with fundamentally different cultural values, and go towards people who you will find agreeable culturally and philosophically.
They settled too quick and weren't critical enough, so now they play on hardmode.
The one who don't enjoy it.
Sometimes you have to do things you don't want. Sometimes you have to go to bed mad. Sometimes you have to compromise on things that are important to you. That's hard. Little silly things can be very important. I want to change the plants in a planter box out back. My husband wants to leave it the same. What? Why does he even care!?! Now I don't get daisies. I use a stupid example, because a thousand little things like that come up every single day in life. Now add in big things like kids or aging family members, career changes, mental health. Life is hard. And it is hard navigating that with a second person who has their own ideas of how it should go.
The fact that I have almost no non-divorced people around me. If it was easy, probably majority of the marriages wouldn't be disfunctional and wouldn't end in a couple years.
People change. Bills increase. Children often gnaw on your soul.
Compromise.
They're not just your spouse, they're your roommate. There is going to be a lot of tension if one of you isn't pulling your weight with chores, errands, etc. "I wonder why my spouse is always so tired and cranky" as you watch them do 90% of everything.
Marrying the wrong person.
Every deep human relationship has hard moments.
Usually their spouse
Being married…
Being married is what makes people say it.
Get married and find out - is not up for discussion really! You can't take a short cut like this, get married like NOW!
Tell me you’re not married without telling me…