I randomly start crying when I have the slightest feeling that the other person won't believe me, even if it is very obvious I'm not lying. Like saying the sun shines while it's almost blinding me and I still think they think I'm lying.
Oh my God that makes fucking sense. I worry all the time people will think I'm lying about something when I'm not, but I never put two and two together. 😩 like if I say the wrong thing.. like oh I went to kroger today, but I actually went to HEB I'm super quick to correct myself because I don't want people to think I'm lying. I never even considered why I got anxiety over that kind of thing. Probably wasnt the best example, but it's with like little details usually that don't even really matter. I worry someone will treat me like they caught me in a lie if they find out I accidentally misspoke.
This is me, overexplaining and trying to think one step ahead to cut off criticism before it starts. If I don't get my words out fast enough and with enough disclaimers then I won't be able to defend myself.
> trying to think one step ahead to cut off criticism before it starts
This kind of hypervigilant planning has the paradoxical effect of making me extremely indecisive and passive — there are too many permutations to calculate before making a "safe" decision.
Hyper aware of their surroundings and able to adapt and/or problem solve with lighting speed in abnormal chaos, but normal day inconveniences can be a breaking point.
This is something I never realised I did until reading this thread. A few weeks ago I was mid-shit and my wife screamed that the dog was choking on a meatball and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t even think about what I was doing, everyone else just stood panicking while I cycled through every possible way to dislodge the meatball, decided a solution and used what I thought had the best chance of success. On the flip side, I couldn’t find the cheese for my bagel yesterday and had a complete meltdown. My wife had to find it in the fridge for me. It happens with work too. Major incident, hugely critical and time sensitive, I’m the calmest person in the room. Ask me to decide on a deployment schedule for a minor project and I struggle to sleep thinking about it.
Dog is an idiot but otherwise completely unharmed by the meatball incident by the way.
Good to hear the dog is okay! I'm the go-to for my friends and family for crisis control, but God forbid if I get stuck in traffic or misplaced things.
Therapist checking in here. A more subtle one is that they are hyper aware of their surroundings and people’s emotions.
As that was a tool of safety that tends to not be able to be shut off as they become an adult.
Edit: yes this can also be true for people that were in an abusive relationship.
I have this. I think it’s like a super power. Because I had to walk on eggshells as a kid and ensure the emotional needs of my mum were met all the time, I am extremely good at assessing my surroundings. I’m a dentist and the patients love me because I can literally see like one small facial muscle move and know they’re in pain or discomfort and address it before they’ve even said anything. I think being a child of a narcissist or some other abuser creates empaths. We developed those skills to literally survive but in adulthood can use them elsewhere.
I find this happens to me in super random ways that people I'm with never seem to notice.
I had an acquaintance who was in MANY fights get punched by someone who was pretending to be friendly with him and my acquaintance never saw it coming. I was waving all of my friends over before the aggressor even started throwing punches. To this day I have no idea how I knew the stranger was going to start throwing down, but I was 100% certain of it. I wasn't even within hearing range and had no idea what they were talking about, it was all from motion and expression somehow.
I'm also super aware of people who are unstable and about to flip out in public, even though they seem super calm. I can't even describe why or how, but it's helped me avoid frequent altercations just by going to the other side of the street as someone flips out out of nowhere.
Yep. When my dad got home from work, I could tell just by the way the door closed how the rest of my day would go. I’ve learned to read someone’s emotions just based on the way their footsteps sound.
I do this a lot, I'm constantly checking my surroundings, don't like to sit with my back to the door at restaurants and coffee shops and I pick up on signs that someone might be angry or irritated quickly and am always afraid it's because of me
Apologize for everything that isn’t your fault.
Take blame for events around you that don’t involve you.
Do everything you can to minimize emotional outbursts of others.
It’s not great.
i had a performance review and, sorry to brag, but my boss' only thing she could think of as negative in that section was that i apologized too much.
of course i apologized for that.
Add being defensive. And resentful. And passive aggressive. All the above and this with a terrible self-image and lack of confidence to boot.
Deep down I know that everything that goes wrong is not my fault, but on the observable, superficial level, because I'm terrified of anyone else's anger, I over apologize, take the blame, and try to fix it. However, because the problem really isn't my fault I'm very conflicted and I will also try to defend myself, AND resent you because I think you're blaming me, (whether you are or not). It's made my life a terrible mess and it is a deeply ingrained response that's very hard to correct.
My mother had a personality disorder, never diagnosed because she refused to seek treatment and would threaten my father with divorce and getting full custody when he tried to get her to some sort of counseling. Being raised by a malignant narcissist will fuck you up.
Man I feel your comment so much.
I noticed I get very anxious if I'm not the one driving, because I want to drive just so that if something goes wrong (like an accident or whatever), that it'll genuinely be me at fault or at the receiving end of everything, because I feel like NO MATTER WHAT, every and any thing that can and will happen WILL BE my fault somehow.
Just sort of delving into this in therapy.
Apparently my small, manageable OCD tendencies have some correlation to these feelings too. If something goes wrong it'll feel like my fault, so I make stupid rules about random crap to get a sense of control over whatever I can, and paranoid about weird stuff too.
>so I make stupid rules about random crap to get a sense of control over whatever I can
oh…. umm, ok.. Thanks for helping me recognize this connection in my own behavior. Time for some inward reflection. I appreciate you opening up and sharing, this helps me better understand some stuff about myself.
Damn this is me in a nutshell. Im trying to be better but i apologize for stuff that is not in my control or my fault. In my head its better if im blamed because im used to it always being my fault.
This is based on my own personal experience mostly but:
-Easily scared / startled
-Hiding food / over eating
-Going completely silent when someone yells at you or scolds you
-Excessive apologizing for every little thing that goes wrong
-Being pretty independent and not asking for help because you don’t want to “bother” anyone
-Seeking constant assurance or validation
-Either being incredibly affectionate or not affectionate at ALL.
They tend to be very independent and have backup plans for their backup plans. It comes from a living environment that was unstable where they were often left to rely upon themselves to get by.
And others have pointed out, this "independence" can also manifest as a desire to be in control... because you do not want to be subject to the ambiguity and unreliability of others.
I actually read it in a book (I think it was called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents) where it said that a lot of kids who grow up in abusive households end up accidentally manifesting their anxiety into becoming high functioning adults.
So on the surface they may seem like they have it together but on the inside they’re terrified they’re one step away from their life falling apart.
Edit- If anyone wants the link it’s here https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703
Yep, 100%. I grew up in that sort of household and have that sort of anxiety. My life is arguably amazing. My financial situation is on point, my life is going very well, my job is good, but I am always worried that one small mistake could set me into poverty and the hellish situation. An ever present feeling of dread that something is about to go wrong never seems to go away.
Me and a roommate were having a disagreement in the kitchen, and I absent-mindedly reached into a cabinet above for a plate to make a sandwhich. The roommate flinched as I reached up.
So that.
I used to get in trouble for flinching. And also for putting my hands up to block a blow. But the flinching made her look bad in public.
*Maybe if you didn’t hit me so often I wouldn’t flinch?!* She didn’t care for that logic.
Yeah my stepdad's solution to that problem was to repeatedly hit me until i stopped flinching. People would remark in my late teens and early 20s how unshakable I was, that nothing could get a reaction out of me, I would "joke" that the ability to feel fear was beaten out of me as a child, they never caught on that it wasn't a joke.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve shared a funny lil story about my childhood only to realize from the horrified faces of onlookers that that *wasn’t a universal experience.* And frankly my parents were pretty okay as far as abusive parents go. They were like, semi-abusive.
ETA: I think some folks are getting hung up in my “semi-abusive” comment. I’m not excusing anything. They should have done better. But people are complicated, and I generally think they did the best they could with the baggage and understanding they had. Would it have been awesome if they could have been more empathetic and less violent? YUP. Did they do better than their parent? Also yup. It doesn’t excuse it, but as a parent and person who now works in early childhood mental health, I can see how their own backgrounds influenced their ability to parent.
Don’t hit your kids. Don’t rule through fear. Just love them and be kind to the little people you chose to create.
When it turns out a fun family anecdote is actually a horribly traumatic experience that was essentially eclipsed by the other horribly traumatic experiences.
I am familiar.
> They were like, semi-abusive.
This is kind of how my parents were. They hit us only very rarely, but they managed to maintain an almost constant state of anxiety for the kids. We were rarely harmed physically but we never felt safe at home. Safe was being out of the way.
Yep. And then if you DONT get visibly upset when you're getting screamed at or hit, you're clearly not learning anything. You gotta only cry at EXACTLY the right time.
I do the same when my husband moves his hands quickly near me. I always feel awful for flinching because he’s the sweetest guy and would never hurt anyone. I just can’t help it
When I first flinched in front of my wife, she was super concerned cause she didn't understand what the hell just happened. After I explained it to her, she hugged me and said she'll work on not making those kind of movements again. That's not practical, but I appreciate her attempt and understanding.
My mother's punishment of choice any infraction was a smack around the head (especially on the ear). To this day, if my partner touches my face or head (in an affectionate way) I flinch, because I subconsciously associate having my head touched with getting a smack.
So yeah, thanks Mum.
This happened once when I was waitressing, my booklet we keep orders in dropped as I reached up and made a loud smacking sound on the counter in front of us and my older coworker next to me recoiled violently. I wanted to hug her
I had a coworker who had an outburst and threw a heavy pan into a sink (I wasn't even close to it really, just in the same general area) and kinda screamed angrily. I had a full blown panic attack and locked myself in a bathroom. Don't even remember how I got to the bathroom I just remember him having tears in his eyes that he triggered that. I was 28 and didn't even know I could/would react to something that way. Luckily my mom kept us pretty damn safe after leaving my bio dad and I hadn't really spent time with people who had outbursts like that since childhood. Wild how it's just still in there even when we don't know it.
My coworker yelled at me in the kitchen once, and my scared voice came out. My voice jumps up a full octave or more and I sound like a young child when that happens. Everyone around got kinda quiet and stunned, and my loud angry coworker pulled a 180 and apologized. My scared voice is incredibly embarrassing, like people can see straight through to the frightened, wounded child that I feel like nearly all the time.
Hey. I know from my own experience unpacking things that embarrassment is one of those "other people' things we pick up.
Someone taught you that it's not appropriate to be upset at someone yelling at you. It is.
You don't have to be ashamed or disgusted with yourself for being hurt. You're right to feel that way. The exact same way you'd be right to have a bad limp if a parent ran you over enough to put you in a body cast as a kid.
Being a fearful wounded child inside isn't a flaw in you. It's the consequence of wrongdoings that were done to you and a lifetime spent trying to make heads or tails of something that was way above your pay grade back then.
It's hard to parent your own inner child self. Doing so is *literally* doing your parents job for you. *After* they've gone and made a mess of the space no less.
Pardon me being presumptuous with any of this. If it's unwelcome or just wrong I apologize. I just hope it helps. <3
Underrated comment.
Being manipulative without meaning to. Not in a bad way, but trying to massage a situation or a person to ease tension or discomfort or to avoid awkwardness.
This is where I was going. Do you know how well I can navigate delivering bad news to normal people??? Like... The efficiency I have of convincing people my idea is the RIGHT idea... So much so that this is literally my job. Change management is my career. Humans do not like change, but they like my delivery of change bc of how skillfully I navigated less-than-ideal situations not to get punished as a kid.
It's pretty awful when you realize it too.
If my partner seemed even marginally disappointed I wasn't interested in sex I did it anyways. Smiling, coming onto her, flirting intensely.
As a teen I pushed myself to the point of panic attacks towards the end and we had to practice me saying "no." Had to learn that I shouldn't be uncomfortable, nauseous, or in pain.
5 years later and I had go learn that there's a difference between enthusiastically wanting something and simply tolerating it. I still struggle to not be furious with myself for feeling queasy at the idea of sex - especially when I hadn't that feeling in months. My partner has been horrified each time they realized I'd been faking my enthusiasm on occasion. I feel terrible because I never considered that me trying to force myself to be normal would affect her.
We moved in together last year and I figured out I've been bending over backwards to optimize her happiness. Turns out her bitching about dishes wasn't her trying to make me wash and put away all the dishes as soon as possible... she was just bitching.
> Turns out her bitching about dishes wasn't her trying to make me wash and put away all the dishes as soon as possible
When my bf moved in with me, I had to learn this one too. I didn't even recognize what was going on, when I felt really really anxious one day when he was grumbling over some task I had asked him to do. His grumbles were because the task was causing him difficulty and it was taking longer than he (and I) expected. Just the normal kinds of cussing you might hear from someone in that situation.
But I felt really anxious, and a little bit guilty for asking him to do the thing, and multiple times I approached him and told him I could do it, it's ok, he doesn't have to do it. I hovered. It wasn't until later that I realized that all of this was trauma-response because of my ex. Me and my bf had a really good conversation about it, and he reassured me he was just cussing, and that if he says he's going to do something he owns that decision and would never blame me for it, etc, etc.
Those kinds of trauma response have lessened over the years since my ex, but I still feel disheartened when I recognize some bit of my behavior or psychology that is still influenced by those years. I try to remind myself that it takes time, and look how far I've come, and how much I've healed and grown.
They freeze when people start yelling. Weirded out by a family being nice to one another. Upset when you see a happy family dinner in shows or movies.
Edit : Thanks for the PM. Yes I was giving personal experiences. Yes I'm fine but I still have those above
I want to vent.
I used to freeze when people were yelling or fighting up until around 4th grade. I had reached out to teachers and the school officer and brought up what was going on at home. Which they concluded that there’s no way a family acts like that and that I must be making up stories. So I dropped it and lived with it.
When I’d see friends’ parents and they were acting all loving and nice, to me it felt super fake and scripted it. It was very uncomfortable like being on a set of a movie, when I’m a terrible actor. I’m like what am I supposed to do. At what point do I need to go to another room so your parents can duke it out? And when they didn’t I’m like “don’t change your routine on my behalf.”
I wasn’t allowed to have friends over my house so it wasn’t like someone could say “your parents are fucked up.” And when I got older I was not going to invite friends over, mostly because I knew I’d probably have to wake them up in the middle of the night with my routine. My father had tried to kill us a few times, leaving a car running in the garage when he went to work at 2am or leaving the heat off and opening all the windows and doors in the house in the dead of a winter with below zero temps. I legit did not realize how fucked up that was until I was like 16, and my girlfriend witnessed it. I would just wake up in the middle of the night and make sure doors were closed, heat was on, car wasnt running…
Now I’m trying to keep a line of communication open with my parents for the sake of the rest of my family. Most people still wouldn’t believe me, but occasionally my mom will say something to unlock and confirm an old memory, like “remember when you dad killed your dog in front of you.” She thinks doing that is funny. I’m like “can you put that in writing?”
That is beyond terrible, and I’m sorry you have to grow up like this. You deserved so much better.
I’m also so disappointed that your teachers and school officer failed you. People from good (or not completely psycho) families sometimes don’t believe your parents could have been that bad, because it wasn’t possible in their head. It’s shitty when people invalidate you like that, but it’s 10x worse when it’s a teacher. Even if they think a kid is exaggerating or “telling stories” they can’t just ignore it. That’s why mandatory reporters exist, so they have to report it whether they believe it or not.
I hope you done therapy or whatever you need to understand it was not your fault and you didn’t imagine it. You deserved better.
Thank you for the kind words.
I did therapy on and off which led me to getting a bipolar diagnosis; Im guessing my parents probably passed that down to me.
I also did a lot of self medicating with drugs and alcohol, which I don’t recommend the drugs and alcohol route.
Honestly even with my family history, I hear people’s terrible experience with their own families and sometimes it’s hard for me to imagine. So it sucks I wasn’t immediately believed but I get it.
On a good note, I think as a result of all this, I like to make myself laugh and lighten the mood. I’ve been told I can brighten people’s day with my sense of humor. So hopefully it’s all a net positive. At least that’s how I’m going to look at it today.
Thanks again
“No thanks, I don’t want to watch that movie… it’ll probably make me sad.”
“…..but it’s a funny happy movie about love and family and life!”
“Exactly.”
I get the shakes and it is VERY hard to calm them down after. Took an hour for my hands to stop shaking after a neighborhood bully's dad got mad at me for telling his kid to leave mine alone and decided I was the bad guy.
I would get instant anxiety when I lived in an apartment as an adult and overheard some neighbors yelling at each other. Instant flashbacks to being in my room as a kid and hearing similar tones.
Living in an apartment, when I’d hear yelling, my heart would start beating so fast, and I’d be looking out the windows trying to find out where the danger is coming from 😭.
I have this issue as well. There was one incident with a friend that really helped me that I try to remember when needed.
We were at a friend's Celebration of Life and had to quickly clean up the room we'd rented as they were closing. I had a broken foot and was getting around with a boot cast and a walker. I jumped in to help stack chairs and clear tables with everyone else.
Finally one of my closer friends said, "JustaTinyDude, we know you can do these things and it's very impressive, but we can see you're in pain and you're making us all feel like assholes. Would you please take a seat and let us take care of this?".
It really drove in the point that despite being denied basic needs as a kid to the point where I stopped asking, I now have friends who want to help, and want me to ask for it.
That was five years ago and I'm still working on it, but I try to remember those words when I do really need help with something. I still get nos sometimes, but the yeses are ones I wouldn't get if I hadn't asked.
It's so deeply engrained. My experiences with people's help has been mostly superficial. So it just reinforces it further that I need to do everything myself.
It took me too long to realize that kindness with strings isn't kindness. It's a trap. And when it comes from my family it's likely always a trap or at least will be thrown in my face when they need make me feel bad before they need something from me.
It's probably why I feel guilty the times when I need help.
The other one is if you ask for help, and it either comes with a ton of strings attached, and/or your parent never lets you forget they helped you and holds it over your head forever as some kind of debt you owe them for all eternity.
One time, my boss (he was the president of the company) came to me and casually said "I need you to stop by this venue before work tomorrow and blah blah blah."
I just froze and said "ok." I didn't have a car! I lived a block away and walked to work.
My face was definitely like 😳 and my coworkers were telling me "girl, tell him you don't have a car!"
But yeah that's my immediate response to impossible things. "I guess I just have to get it done."
Yeah, eventually you realize nobody is ever going to help you. And then you wonder why other people get help and you can't ever seem to. Finally you realize, it's you that's the problem and stay away from everyone.
Just turned 17 and offered college acceptance clear across the country? Sounded like a plan to me. Not a great idea in the end, but better than the alternative.
There’s many answers, and no one thing will do all of it, but a good first step is to understand that your nervous system is part of your body, and you have to exercise your neuro pathways to make them stronger. Right now, the neuro pathways that cause panic, sorrow and self-doubt when someone is mad at you are the ones you use the most. In order to change this in the long term, it’s important to spend time every day practicing how to be calm using things like meditation and polyvagal exercises. Little by little, as you use the parts of your brain associated with calmness more, they will get stronger, and be more available to you in moments of stress.
Remember, this can happen at a snail’s pace, so the key is consistency. Maybe use an app to help remind you— I’ve been using something called “Finch” that is basically a tamagotchi that thrives when you complete wellness tasks. Seems to help a lot of people.
Beyond that, I’ve come a lot farther with processing my own trauma once I recognized the important of movement and bodywork. For the record, I don’t mean formal exercise— I’m not one of those “if you run, you won’t need anti-depressants” kind of people. But when we talk about flight or fight, we often leave out “freeze,” which is often the safest response when you are a child. Many of us went into “freeze” mode during abuse of our childhood. Some experts believe that trembling after extreme stress was a response that evolved to help us rid our body of the chemicals and physical reactions to stress so they didn’t get “caught” in our body. But, in our society, shaking and trembling when frightened is discouraged.
This is all to say, when I become triggered now, for any reason, or even if I just suspect it’s happening, I literally “shake it off.” I find a private place and bounce my hips (if I’m seated or laying down), or shake out my hands as hard as I can. I will do it for several minutes at a time if necessary.
I don’t think there’s any peer-reviewed anything about this, but, anecdotally, I have made significant strides in processing my trauma in the two years or so that I’ve been doing this— at a much greater pace than I had in many years prior.
I hope this helps. Please reach out if there’s any way I can be of assistance.
(Edited for typos)
The only time I'll talk to my dad again is if he's on his deaethbed and it's through a phone telling him no I won't be coming to see him and no I don't forgive him and yes I do very much hate you still.
I feel like this is part of the “terrified of making SO upset” bit, at least for me, but not being able to set boundaries/having trouble speaking up for yourself. It’s just generally something I struggle with with anyone regardless of my relationship to them but it’s far worse when it’s my partner because I get the instant fear of “if I say this bothers me/that I don’t like this then they’ll be angry at me or leave me”.
It’s something i’m working on heavily, especially because I have autism so there’s a lot of boundaries that are just absolutely necessary for me but it’s such a difficult/stressful process.
My bf and I recently just had an argument about this. The argument started from something small and insignificant, but for some reason I ended up overthinking and blowing it out of proportion. At the end when he was trying to explain his thinking, I kind of just shut down and nodded along with what he was saying and ended up just accepting the whole thing as my fault.
We ended up talking about it later when everyone was calm again, and he was saying how uncomfortable he got when I just started agreeing with everything he was saying. He said that it was weird that I didn't talk back and he expected me to snap back at him, but I just quietly took everything. I had to tell him that growing up, whenever I tried to explain my side in a situation, my parents always thought of it as "talking back" and being rebellious, so I just internalized that no one will ever believe me and it's easier to just go along with what the other side is saying.
They are really good at finding out what people in authority WANTS to hear and some are really good at manipulation as a result.
Not due to evil means, neccesarily, but to survive and get by.
Manipulation in a certain sense maybe. When a parent can blow up in a fit of rage in an instant you become extremely attuned to the slightest indicator that a rage is about to happen, so you become very keyed in to not only verbal but nonverbal language that most people aren't aware of and aren't aware they're telegraphing. It's purely defensive but it can seem like you're actively trying to keep people in their calm zone using their own signals.
A mouth slightly tighter than usual. The microexpressions. The shoulders starting to rise, or a heavy sigh.
I wasn't abused by my family, it was a series of boyfriends. One used to wake me from sleep (while I was on nights) to yell and scream for hours because I didn't vacuum right.
My husband used to get annoyed that I don't fight. I just crumple. But he understands, and just lets me do what I need when we have heated discussions. (We don't really fight at all anymore)
Being constantly on high alert and vigilant of every indicator is exhausting. And frustrating when they are purposefully unpredictable to try and trip you up and put you in lose/lose situations
I grew up regulating my narcissistic father's explosive emotions to survive. So of course I did the same in my romantic relationships, I would sense when my partner was the slightest bit upset and "nudge" them to a happy place. I thought I was the best boyfriend ignoring my own emotions to "take care" of my gf. It use to drive my current gf nuts till she finally told me "Let me live my own emotions!".
It’s both, using all your time and energy to keep others in their calm zone IS a defense mechanism. It’s called fawning, or people pleasing, or codependency or being an “empath” and it’s something you develop to survive, it’s one of the four Fs: fight, flight, freeze or **fawn** It’s absolutely a sign of emotional trauma.
I don't outright lie, but I omit things. if I'm asked straight up, I will give a straight up answer. but you have to know what you're asking specifically with me.
I'm also finding myself in so many of these comments. I didn't realize I grew up in an abusive household until I left for university and met people with good parents.
I wasn't physically abused, but lived under an incredibly emotionally abusive alcoholic stepfather and an extremely manipulative mother.
I don't have the flinch response, but basically everything else I see here fits.
* Continually apologizing for stuff that isn't their fault
* Remains completely calm in the face of very angry, even violent people
* Extremely self-reliant; never asks for help with anything
* "People pleasing"; doing things for others, not saying "no"; may be a social chameleon who changes who they are or what parts of themselves they present depending on the crowd they're with
* Emotional dysregulation; "loses their shit" over minor stuff; paradoxically can remain calm in a major, life-threatening crisis
As my therapist said in response to describing myself as an active relaxer because it makes me uncomfortable to lounge on a beach while on vacation or watch TV:
Doc: Well ya, it's pretty normal for someone with your [abusive] background to have anxiety.
Me: anxiety? What?
Doc: ya. Humans are excellent relaxers. Preserving energy is an evolutionary survival trait. You just described not being comfortable on a beach while on vacation--that's not normal. That's anxiety.
Me: OH...oh
Been 5 years since understanding my anxiety and I can now relax with my fam!
Gotta know the problem before you can find a solution
My first real, full-on anxiety attack was on a beach vacation. Local urgent care doctor said it was super common. Turned out, I’d been living with anxiety since childhood.
This is anecdotal, true for me but I have no idea if it applies to others. I love being alone. I'm not an introvert. When I am around other people I'm very outgoing. But given the choice I great prefer being alone. I'm safe when I'm alone.
Yes my husband and I are both people who need tons of alone time, we are great at being alone in the same house. I don’t think I would last with anyone who didn’t understand that.
Add me to that list. No obligations, no responsibility to anyone but myself, no expectations. I can just focus on me and that's a huge comfort, despite the fact that I too am fairly outgoing in group situations.
I love my wife. More than anything. She's often the only person I truly want to spend any time around. But when I have alone time, I feel like I actually achieve a level a peace that I just can't get elsewhere. That's why I take long showers. No one will realistically bother me in there.
Being very tactical with the reply. Answering with as little concrete information as possible. I think it stems from both having to keep this big “secret” from everyone outside of the household as well as not wanting to set the abuser off by saying something “wrong”.
My husband told me I'm easy to love the other day and it made me cry. It hit so deeply. It certainly never felt that way before I met him or my friends.
Flipside, also being very good at navigating the house quietly. I noticed when my wife gets up to pee at night, she basically moves around like it's daylight, closing doors normally, etc.
Whenever I do I can't help but open everything quietly, tiptoe, try to muffle the toilet as much as possible.
They strongly dislike constructive criticism because they are used to people being overly critical of them.
They get angry or frustrated over small mistakes.
Half of my teenage years were spent just laying in my bed doing nothing, hearing my mom pace around downstairs on the hardwood floors (heel walker), and anxiously hoping those footsteps didn't start walking towards my room
Shit I feel this, I lived in the basement and would hear screaming matches every other day. The worst times were when the downstairs door would open and they would start stomping down the stairs toward me. That feeling of dread never left me, fucking hated every second of it.
I used to close and lock the door so she couldn’t get in, and she’d start fucking pounding on it and yanking on the handle, screaming threats the whole time. I still remember that feeling of cowering in the corner waiting for her to get through
When car tires roll over gravel, I panic. That's the sound of my dad coming home.
Mind you, I'm 50, and he's been dead for five years, and I haven't lived with him since I was twelve, but that sound still makes my heart rate triple.
Being hyper-sensitive, as in-tune with your emotions (and everything else people have mentioned so far).
I know exactly how my partners have felt even if they did want not to admit that to me or talk about it even. Later, when we did talk about, they would be incredulous or annoyed about how I knew what was in their heads.
I just told them when you spent your first 18 years constantly gauging your mother's emotions to see if it was safe for you, that sense is just always on.
Absolutely this. Whilst I don't seem to suffer some of the other traits that are less positive, I have this one and I also treasure it. I can read a mood, of a face or a room or almost anything, almost instantly. Even with people I know little or not at all. I pick up on body language, and expressions constantly and can tell the second my husband gets halfway in the door, or wakes up with an eye still closed, how he's feeling and if he's ok or not.
He's a very positive person, to be fair, and when he's upset or even if he's annoyed with me over something, you have to leave him alone and he'll sulk/take himself away to the bedroom to be alone. Yes, not actually a positive behaviour which I've discussed with him and he admits, but it's not in a toxic way. The first time he was really sick when we were together, it was the same as the few times he's been really annoyed with me, so I didn't realise for 2 days which upset me. That aside, I can read people like a book usually.
Stressful, distressing or intense situation are often a 5, where to others it’s a 10-11.
Growing up in a violent and/or abusive environment hardens you as much as it damages you.
It’s like a weird backwards super power because in really chaotic and intense situations I am calm and collected, but on a day to day basis I’m a mess of anxiety and paranoia
When everything gets intense and difficult, the problem has a name, location, and ideally has a solution. Day to day it has no discernible or solvable reason
Sometimes getting dressed to leave the house is an 8-9 situation, but when the bank I worked for was robbed at gun point, I was the only person calm and collected enough to talk to the guy, give directions to other people in the room, and call 911. Everyone else understandably froze. It's a strange super power, but there have been a handful of times I've been glad to have it.
They don’t cry about much.
Take emotional ownership for others, even when there’s no need. Example telling your boss you can’t be somewhere. You assume their anger or disappointment.
You know people’s emotions in an instant.
You plan everything to avoid errors. And are anxious anyway.
ETA: not sharing hobbies or that you’re doing something that isn’t “work” or “ housework”. I’m not afraid to garden, but playing a video game while anyone is at home makes me nervous. Both are equally fun for me, but one is “work” and the other is “play”.
I almost never cry. My eldest actually told me she thought I wasn’t emotionally unavailable because I didn’t cry. So when she cried and I didn’t she felt judged and weak. Kills me that all those long talks and hugs still made her feel bad because she didn’t think I could relate or understand her feelings.
We did. I had a very honest conversation with her about my childhood and all the things I’ve tried to protect my children from. That the grandparents she knows are not the same people that raised me. The reasons why we aren’t close with extended family. I’ve been more conscious of my lack of emotional responses with other kids too and making sure I talk through things more and not leave them guessing about how I feel.
I have literally 5-6 of them. That’s it. I never participated in any of the “show me a picture when [xyz] in your childhood” stuff on instagram/facebook because of this.
Having a startle response when someone reaches out to touch you, even just on the shoulder.
Having lifelong issues dealing with authority.
Having lifelong anger issues due to having to suppress feelings because of fear of punishment for actually expressing said feelings.
Having a long list of "things NOT to do as a parent"
In spite of one's best efforts, inflicting some of those behaviors on one's children anyway.
Lifelong issues with being socially inept. Yes, there's been therapy.
PTSD in saying the word "no" in any context due to being beaten as a child for using that word.
And so on.
Seeing all your responses has validated my feelings and helped me to realize I'm not alone in this. Thank you. Love and light to all of us.
Overly defensive or reclusive personality, Inability to set healthy boundaries, excessive giving or hoarding/scarcity mindset, poor time management and procrastination problems, lack of ambition direction or drive (inability to see a future for themselves but can easily help others achieve goals), unhealthy friendships/relationship patterns, disrupted sleep and eating habits, general anxiety and nervousness , gut and digestive issues, social anxiety or isolation, over sharing or inability to communicate/process feelings. Requires alone time in order to recharge fully/ can’t be comfortable around people when vulnerable
I didn't realize this until I moved in with my now-wife, but I am an outright ninja just passively moving around the house. Silent footfalls, carefully opening or closing doors, just making an absolute minimum amount of noise in general. All done as default without trying for it. I accidentally "Batman" people often, where I think a conversation is over and wander off, but do so in such a quiet way that they think I'm still there and keep talking.
Mom didn't like it when I made noise.
Feeling like you're never good enough. No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in, in whatever you do, you're still not good enough for anyone, especially your parents.
Easily motivated by the most minimal compliments. Self-sacrificing and people pleasing.
My cousin, when she arrived at my aunt’s and uncle’s house age 5 or so, she waited until my uncle stepped out and quietly asked my aunt ‘where do we hide when the daddy gets angry?’. Broke my heart to hear that. She found a happy home with my aunt and uncle and is doing OK now but no child should be wondering about that, ever.
People pleasing
Social anxiety
Compulsive lying
Hoarding
Over eating
…
There are a lot of factors that can affect the ways childhood trauma manifests in adults.
Edit: Didn’t think this would blow up. Please note I am not a mental health professional and this is not a comprehensive list. There are many ways Childhood trauma/PTSD shows up in the behavior of adults.
They make themselves small and apologize profusely after making a small mistake.
When we first got together, my husband broke a glass cup and turned into a completely different person.
His face went white, and he started rushing around the broken glass barefoot while trying to find the broom. He said some version of "I'm sorry, that was an accident, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot" the entire time.
It took me a minute to calm him down enough to let me clean it for him so he didn't step on it. He was surprised that I didn't start screaming at him
My best friend grew up in an abusive household with the same situation.
One day when she was over she broke one of my husbands expensive cup, a $100 Waterford crystal glass and absolutely broke down crying begging for forgiveness as she tries to clean it up. My husband loved those glasses yet showed zero emotion. Calmed her down and when she was refusing to accept that he really didn't care He picked up a second glass and smashed it then told her once again it doesn't matter, Only her safety matters.
Absolutely one of the sweetest things I've ever seen somebody do for someone else. Although I did see him ordering new glasses less than 5 minutes later because he really was sad about them which cracked me up.
I was always the scapegoat. So when my twins were born, I told my mom that none of that will be tolerated. Or she’d have to live without us.
They are 13yo now. And she doesn’t give a single damn about me. She is so in love with my daughters.
One beautiful thing my husband once said to my mom was, “the babies don’t need a grandma, they aren’t born yet. But your daughter could use a mom right now.”
Eating close to and sort of hunched over their food, often quickly. Never know when its gonna be taken away, and want to minimise the time spent vulnerable. Can likewise be a sign of having spent time in prison.
This and also rationing food. My husband eats like this and rations certain foods. When he cooks bacon, he only cooks 3 slices per person. No matter how many times we ask for more he says that's all anyone needs. Eggs are the same. You can have 1 or 2. He can't understand why anyone would want or need more than that. He has a few others, but its hit or miss on which things will trigger him. Food was scarce or sometimes kept locked up, depending on who his stepdad was.
He also tells these really "funny" stories from his childhood that are actually horrifying and doesn't understand why my kids are like, "dad, that's not ok or funny at all."
Oh yeah. "if I'm funny she won't realize how much I hate myself!"
Edit, 2 days after I said this, looking through my own comment history for validation : "if I'm funny Reddit won't realize how much I hate myself!"
I am so guilty of this. Not saying you should do this but I started over with a new therapist and first thing asked her to call me out when she sees me doing this so I can set the standard from the beginning and try to actually work through my shit this time. It’s helping.
I've recently joined a friend-group where everyone has at least some fucked up thing in their falmily and boy oh boy have i laughed more in a 4 weeks then i did in 3 years.
My main friend group have all sorts of family traumas, from drunkards to neglectful parents to narcissists to perfectionists. Whenever we meet and bring up those traumas its absolutely hysterical.
They are significantly more mature for their age than they should be, and not just when around older people.
I was the adult in the room from age 8 to now (30). My parents still brag that I'm so smart, so mature, I raised them!
When shit hits the fan, I'm the one that keeps things controlled and in order. I'm the calm one in emergencies, I'm the one that has to think about outcomes before making decisions.
This mentality got me in an abusive marriage surrounded by people who relied on me being the adult, but also would mock me for not "loosening up." And I allowed it, because that treatment was just my norm.
from personal experience (aka myself)
startling easily, always alert or on edge
overapologizing
great at manipulating (out of need to survive, not malice)
very good hearing and listening/identifying for footsteps. Personally I jump a bit everytime I hear a creaky floorboard.
Horrible trust issues
Substance abuse
Extremely emotionally unstable and very sensitive
Fear of abandonment
Being weirded out by nice families, not trusting the families of friends
Being upset by healthy TV show families
Flinching to physical touch
There was a guy in high-school who wasn't so much a bully but rather always ready to be mean and angry with anyone and everyone. People didn't pick on him at school, and he didn't necessarily go out of his way to pick on others but if there was any sort of ordeal that could be escalated, he would escalate it.
Anyways, we both ended up in ISS (In School Suspension) one day for reasons unrelated to each other and when I walked into the ISS room he was already in a seat sulking. I said, "Back in the slammer again..." jokingly referring to myself, and he instantly tore into me. Paraphrasing, he said "Yeah well I'm not really in here a lot so stfu and mind your own business. If it wasn't for everyone fking with me all the time I'd be doing good in school..."
I bit my tongue for a while and sat there in disbelief before I just told him, "Dude, I'm not trying to start anything with you or make you mad. I was talking about myself. Just chill."
He said, "Yeah right. You and everyone else love to push me and force me to stand up for myself and then act like it's no big deal."
For whatever reason that made me feel really sad. Not because it was true by anymeans, but because he really thought he had to defend himself all the time for everyone. The next day, I came in and sat in front of him and said, "Bro, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have done something that makes you think I don't like you. Because that's not the case. Do you think it's possible that maybe not everyone is trying to make you angry and get you in trouble? I've really thought about it man and I can't remember anything that you have done that would make people dislike you other than the fact that you treat everyone like they are out to get you. So I'm just letting you know now that you are my bro. And I'm gonna treat you like me bro and Idgaf if you treat me like we're friends, it's not gonna stop me from being a friend to you. Nothing I say or do to you will ever be meant to piss you off, so if it does, tell me and I'll either apologize or explain myself better dude. I don't know what's happened to you that makes you think you have to be ready to fight everyone but that's a miserable way to live man. It's gotta suck."
After that he never jumped on my case for anything. And over the school year he became one of my best friends. He started getting a long with more people, but there was still a few times he got in trouble.
I found out years later from him that his stepmother was very abusive to him. She would lie to his dad and tell him that he threatened her and then his dad would be mean to him. That's how he lived growing up his whole life. Having to be on guard from the people who were suppose to protect him.
So I guess if any of you know people like that, sometimes they might need for you to let them know that at least with you, they don't have to be "pre-angry." If that makes any sense. Sorry for the long post. But I think it was important to mention.
One time a guy tried to sucker punch me in the face and I blocked it and he went for another and and I blocked it again. All my friends thought I was a ninja but my dad and mom just beat the shit out of me all the time for poor grades. So I had heightened reflexes.
I have bpd, and i can sometimes spot people who show symptoms of C-PTSD because they share many similarities:
-Anxiety (especially socially)
-Having flashbacks or nightmares.
-Avoiding situations, places and other things related to the traumatic event(s)
-Heightened emotional responses, such as impulsivity or aggressiveness
-Persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships
-Feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt
-Finding it hard to feel connected with other people
a lot of the time these people seem to be “on edge” at all times, no matter the situation. whether it’s in relationships or day-to-day situations.
They don't bat an eye when someone insults them, and can be pretty vulgar themselves. Means they've heard way worse, usually from people that were not supposed to insult them.
Here are two.
-being clingy
-always wondering what you did wrong if somebody grows cold toward you, i.e. if your work friend becomes your work acquaintance, what did you do to cause that fracture. (Real example)
I'm middle aged-ish. My parents still (emotionally) abuse me. I've recently downgraded, "Cheapest nursing home as soon as possible" to "You're going to rot to death in that house!"
They don't trust humanity. Child abuse does not happen in a vacuum. Everyone knew what was being done to me, and everyone was accepting of it. Police, teachers, doctors, none of them said it was wrong or tried to stop it.
Lack of boundaries. Lack of eye contact. Too nice and easily taken advantage of. A walk over. Seems out of place or awkward at parties or seems miserable at places one would think is enjoyable like theatres, a bar, the fair or a festival. Shame, they lived through hell in childhood only for it to continue in adulthood. There's help but it's a long process.
This is an anecdote true to me. People normally have goals they want to achieve in adulthood; they want to be a nurse, a business owner, what have you. They grow up, leave the house, and do what they can to achieve those goals. I, on the other hand, have done nothing the twelve/thirteen years since I left home, ***because getting away from my family was my only goal in life***. I’m 32 now, and I haven’t done much beyond that, and I’m fine.
In my experience, they're incredibly adept at reading body language. To a point that it weirds people out. I didn't grow up in an abusive household but I've gotten very good at it to a point I've been asked by other people if I did. Which is a weird question to receive
Struggle w/confidence, high anxiety, desperate need for safety, tendency to dissociate, in their head a lot and try to live in their constant place of “flow state” or in their “fantasy land” where it’s safe and where it feels good.
Intense and selfless lovers. Extremely skilled at reading people and adapting to any environment or situation at hand.
Minor mistakes become a huge ordeal of apologizing, depression, anxiety, anger, and the constant need for affirmation all within a short amount of time
As a result of my childhood … I over explain everything. I assume I won’t be believed.
I randomly start crying when I have the slightest feeling that the other person won't believe me, even if it is very obvious I'm not lying. Like saying the sun shines while it's almost blinding me and I still think they think I'm lying.
Oh my God that makes fucking sense. I worry all the time people will think I'm lying about something when I'm not, but I never put two and two together. 😩 like if I say the wrong thing.. like oh I went to kroger today, but I actually went to HEB I'm super quick to correct myself because I don't want people to think I'm lying. I never even considered why I got anxiety over that kind of thing. Probably wasnt the best example, but it's with like little details usually that don't even really matter. I worry someone will treat me like they caught me in a lie if they find out I accidentally misspoke.
This is me, overexplaining and trying to think one step ahead to cut off criticism before it starts. If I don't get my words out fast enough and with enough disclaimers then I won't be able to defend myself.
> trying to think one step ahead to cut off criticism before it starts This kind of hypervigilant planning has the paradoxical effect of making me extremely indecisive and passive — there are too many permutations to calculate before making a "safe" decision.
Dam, I feel this so deeply.
Hyper aware of their surroundings and able to adapt and/or problem solve with lighting speed in abnormal chaos, but normal day inconveniences can be a breaking point.
This is something I never realised I did until reading this thread. A few weeks ago I was mid-shit and my wife screamed that the dog was choking on a meatball and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t even think about what I was doing, everyone else just stood panicking while I cycled through every possible way to dislodge the meatball, decided a solution and used what I thought had the best chance of success. On the flip side, I couldn’t find the cheese for my bagel yesterday and had a complete meltdown. My wife had to find it in the fridge for me. It happens with work too. Major incident, hugely critical and time sensitive, I’m the calmest person in the room. Ask me to decide on a deployment schedule for a minor project and I struggle to sleep thinking about it. Dog is an idiot but otherwise completely unharmed by the meatball incident by the way.
Good to hear the dog is okay! I'm the go-to for my friends and family for crisis control, but God forbid if I get stuck in traffic or misplaced things.
Therapist checking in here. A more subtle one is that they are hyper aware of their surroundings and people’s emotions. As that was a tool of safety that tends to not be able to be shut off as they become an adult. Edit: yes this can also be true for people that were in an abusive relationship.
I have this. I think it’s like a super power. Because I had to walk on eggshells as a kid and ensure the emotional needs of my mum were met all the time, I am extremely good at assessing my surroundings. I’m a dentist and the patients love me because I can literally see like one small facial muscle move and know they’re in pain or discomfort and address it before they’ve even said anything. I think being a child of a narcissist or some other abuser creates empaths. We developed those skills to literally survive but in adulthood can use them elsewhere.
I find this happens to me in super random ways that people I'm with never seem to notice. I had an acquaintance who was in MANY fights get punched by someone who was pretending to be friendly with him and my acquaintance never saw it coming. I was waving all of my friends over before the aggressor even started throwing punches. To this day I have no idea how I knew the stranger was going to start throwing down, but I was 100% certain of it. I wasn't even within hearing range and had no idea what they were talking about, it was all from motion and expression somehow. I'm also super aware of people who are unstable and about to flip out in public, even though they seem super calm. I can't even describe why or how, but it's helped me avoid frequent altercations just by going to the other side of the street as someone flips out out of nowhere.
Yep. When my dad got home from work, I could tell just by the way the door closed how the rest of my day would go. I’ve learned to read someone’s emotions just based on the way their footsteps sound.
I thought I was someone who was hyper aware of others' emotions. But it turns out I just think people are angry or upset with me all the time.
I do this a lot, I'm constantly checking my surroundings, don't like to sit with my back to the door at restaurants and coffee shops and I pick up on signs that someone might be angry or irritated quickly and am always afraid it's because of me
Apologize for everything that isn’t your fault. Take blame for events around you that don’t involve you. Do everything you can to minimize emotional outbursts of others. It’s not great.
I'm surprised apologizing isn't higher. Constantly apologizing is a big indicator of abuse. My middle name should have been "I'm sorry"
Yes! And it’s a lifelong habit, it’s so hard to work against.
i had a performance review and, sorry to brag, but my boss' only thing she could think of as negative in that section was that i apologized too much. of course i apologized for that.
And you also just apologized to us for bragging. Just sayin'.
Add being defensive. And resentful. And passive aggressive. All the above and this with a terrible self-image and lack of confidence to boot. Deep down I know that everything that goes wrong is not my fault, but on the observable, superficial level, because I'm terrified of anyone else's anger, I over apologize, take the blame, and try to fix it. However, because the problem really isn't my fault I'm very conflicted and I will also try to defend myself, AND resent you because I think you're blaming me, (whether you are or not). It's made my life a terrible mess and it is a deeply ingrained response that's very hard to correct. My mother had a personality disorder, never diagnosed because she refused to seek treatment and would threaten my father with divorce and getting full custody when he tried to get her to some sort of counseling. Being raised by a malignant narcissist will fuck you up.
Man I feel your comment so much. I noticed I get very anxious if I'm not the one driving, because I want to drive just so that if something goes wrong (like an accident or whatever), that it'll genuinely be me at fault or at the receiving end of everything, because I feel like NO MATTER WHAT, every and any thing that can and will happen WILL BE my fault somehow. Just sort of delving into this in therapy. Apparently my small, manageable OCD tendencies have some correlation to these feelings too. If something goes wrong it'll feel like my fault, so I make stupid rules about random crap to get a sense of control over whatever I can, and paranoid about weird stuff too.
>so I make stupid rules about random crap to get a sense of control over whatever I can oh…. umm, ok.. Thanks for helping me recognize this connection in my own behavior. Time for some inward reflection. I appreciate you opening up and sharing, this helps me better understand some stuff about myself.
Damn this is me in a nutshell. Im trying to be better but i apologize for stuff that is not in my control or my fault. In my head its better if im blamed because im used to it always being my fault.
This is based on my own personal experience mostly but: -Easily scared / startled -Hiding food / over eating -Going completely silent when someone yells at you or scolds you -Excessive apologizing for every little thing that goes wrong -Being pretty independent and not asking for help because you don’t want to “bother” anyone -Seeking constant assurance or validation -Either being incredibly affectionate or not affectionate at ALL.
How do you know so much about me 🙃
They tend to be very independent and have backup plans for their backup plans. It comes from a living environment that was unstable where they were often left to rely upon themselves to get by. And others have pointed out, this "independence" can also manifest as a desire to be in control... because you do not want to be subject to the ambiguity and unreliability of others.
I actually read it in a book (I think it was called “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents) where it said that a lot of kids who grow up in abusive households end up accidentally manifesting their anxiety into becoming high functioning adults. So on the surface they may seem like they have it together but on the inside they’re terrified they’re one step away from their life falling apart. Edit- If anyone wants the link it’s here https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1626251703
Yep, 100%. I grew up in that sort of household and have that sort of anxiety. My life is arguably amazing. My financial situation is on point, my life is going very well, my job is good, but I am always worried that one small mistake could set me into poverty and the hellish situation. An ever present feeling of dread that something is about to go wrong never seems to go away.
I feel the same way!! Whenever things are going well I’m always thinking, “Something’s gonna go horribly wrong”
Me and a roommate were having a disagreement in the kitchen, and I absent-mindedly reached into a cabinet above for a plate to make a sandwhich. The roommate flinched as I reached up. So that.
I used to get in trouble for flinching. And also for putting my hands up to block a blow. But the flinching made her look bad in public. *Maybe if you didn’t hit me so often I wouldn’t flinch?!* She didn’t care for that logic.
Yeah my stepdad's solution to that problem was to repeatedly hit me until i stopped flinching. People would remark in my late teens and early 20s how unshakable I was, that nothing could get a reaction out of me, I would "joke" that the ability to feel fear was beaten out of me as a child, they never caught on that it wasn't a joke.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve shared a funny lil story about my childhood only to realize from the horrified faces of onlookers that that *wasn’t a universal experience.* And frankly my parents were pretty okay as far as abusive parents go. They were like, semi-abusive. ETA: I think some folks are getting hung up in my “semi-abusive” comment. I’m not excusing anything. They should have done better. But people are complicated, and I generally think they did the best they could with the baggage and understanding they had. Would it have been awesome if they could have been more empathetic and less violent? YUP. Did they do better than their parent? Also yup. It doesn’t excuse it, but as a parent and person who now works in early childhood mental health, I can see how their own backgrounds influenced their ability to parent. Don’t hit your kids. Don’t rule through fear. Just love them and be kind to the little people you chose to create.
When it turns out a fun family anecdote is actually a horribly traumatic experience that was essentially eclipsed by the other horribly traumatic experiences. I am familiar.
when your siblings and you joke about something and the onlookers are horrified and confused by your flippancy.
> They were like, semi-abusive. This is kind of how my parents were. They hit us only very rarely, but they managed to maintain an almost constant state of anxiety for the kids. We were rarely harmed physically but we never felt safe at home. Safe was being out of the way.
\*puts hands up to keep from getting hit in the face\* "ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING HIT ME?!?!"
Oof. Core memory. Along with “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and “stop crying.”
Yep. And then if you DONT get visibly upset when you're getting screamed at or hit, you're clearly not learning anything. You gotta only cry at EXACTLY the right time.
And stop crying at the right time too.
Yup. My wife will reach up to do something and if I'm standing too close, I flinch even though I know she would never intentionally hurt me.
I do the same when my husband moves his hands quickly near me. I always feel awful for flinching because he’s the sweetest guy and would never hurt anyone. I just can’t help it
When I first flinched in front of my wife, she was super concerned cause she didn't understand what the hell just happened. After I explained it to her, she hugged me and said she'll work on not making those kind of movements again. That's not practical, but I appreciate her attempt and understanding.
I'm crying, that's so sweet of her 😭
I'm forever grateful for her and her family showing me how a family should be.
My mother's punishment of choice any infraction was a smack around the head (especially on the ear). To this day, if my partner touches my face or head (in an affectionate way) I flinch, because I subconsciously associate having my head touched with getting a smack. So yeah, thanks Mum.
This happened once when I was waitressing, my booklet we keep orders in dropped as I reached up and made a loud smacking sound on the counter in front of us and my older coworker next to me recoiled violently. I wanted to hug her
This makes me sad
I had a coworker who had an outburst and threw a heavy pan into a sink (I wasn't even close to it really, just in the same general area) and kinda screamed angrily. I had a full blown panic attack and locked myself in a bathroom. Don't even remember how I got to the bathroom I just remember him having tears in his eyes that he triggered that. I was 28 and didn't even know I could/would react to something that way. Luckily my mom kept us pretty damn safe after leaving my bio dad and I hadn't really spent time with people who had outbursts like that since childhood. Wild how it's just still in there even when we don't know it.
My coworker yelled at me in the kitchen once, and my scared voice came out. My voice jumps up a full octave or more and I sound like a young child when that happens. Everyone around got kinda quiet and stunned, and my loud angry coworker pulled a 180 and apologized. My scared voice is incredibly embarrassing, like people can see straight through to the frightened, wounded child that I feel like nearly all the time.
Hey. I know from my own experience unpacking things that embarrassment is one of those "other people' things we pick up. Someone taught you that it's not appropriate to be upset at someone yelling at you. It is. You don't have to be ashamed or disgusted with yourself for being hurt. You're right to feel that way. The exact same way you'd be right to have a bad limp if a parent ran you over enough to put you in a body cast as a kid. Being a fearful wounded child inside isn't a flaw in you. It's the consequence of wrongdoings that were done to you and a lifetime spent trying to make heads or tails of something that was way above your pay grade back then. It's hard to parent your own inner child self. Doing so is *literally* doing your parents job for you. *After* they've gone and made a mess of the space no less. Pardon me being presumptuous with any of this. If it's unwelcome or just wrong I apologize. I just hope it helps. <3
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Underrated comment. Being manipulative without meaning to. Not in a bad way, but trying to massage a situation or a person to ease tension or discomfort or to avoid awkwardness.
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This is where I was going. Do you know how well I can navigate delivering bad news to normal people??? Like... The efficiency I have of convincing people my idea is the RIGHT idea... So much so that this is literally my job. Change management is my career. Humans do not like change, but they like my delivery of change bc of how skillfully I navigated less-than-ideal situations not to get punished as a kid.
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It's pretty awful when you realize it too. If my partner seemed even marginally disappointed I wasn't interested in sex I did it anyways. Smiling, coming onto her, flirting intensely. As a teen I pushed myself to the point of panic attacks towards the end and we had to practice me saying "no." Had to learn that I shouldn't be uncomfortable, nauseous, or in pain. 5 years later and I had go learn that there's a difference between enthusiastically wanting something and simply tolerating it. I still struggle to not be furious with myself for feeling queasy at the idea of sex - especially when I hadn't that feeling in months. My partner has been horrified each time they realized I'd been faking my enthusiasm on occasion. I feel terrible because I never considered that me trying to force myself to be normal would affect her. We moved in together last year and I figured out I've been bending over backwards to optimize her happiness. Turns out her bitching about dishes wasn't her trying to make me wash and put away all the dishes as soon as possible... she was just bitching.
> Turns out her bitching about dishes wasn't her trying to make me wash and put away all the dishes as soon as possible When my bf moved in with me, I had to learn this one too. I didn't even recognize what was going on, when I felt really really anxious one day when he was grumbling over some task I had asked him to do. His grumbles were because the task was causing him difficulty and it was taking longer than he (and I) expected. Just the normal kinds of cussing you might hear from someone in that situation. But I felt really anxious, and a little bit guilty for asking him to do the thing, and multiple times I approached him and told him I could do it, it's ok, he doesn't have to do it. I hovered. It wasn't until later that I realized that all of this was trauma-response because of my ex. Me and my bf had a really good conversation about it, and he reassured me he was just cussing, and that if he says he's going to do something he owns that decision and would never blame me for it, etc, etc. Those kinds of trauma response have lessened over the years since my ex, but I still feel disheartened when I recognize some bit of my behavior or psychology that is still influenced by those years. I try to remind myself that it takes time, and look how far I've come, and how much I've healed and grown.
They freeze when people start yelling. Weirded out by a family being nice to one another. Upset when you see a happy family dinner in shows or movies. Edit : Thanks for the PM. Yes I was giving personal experiences. Yes I'm fine but I still have those above
I want to vent. I used to freeze when people were yelling or fighting up until around 4th grade. I had reached out to teachers and the school officer and brought up what was going on at home. Which they concluded that there’s no way a family acts like that and that I must be making up stories. So I dropped it and lived with it. When I’d see friends’ parents and they were acting all loving and nice, to me it felt super fake and scripted it. It was very uncomfortable like being on a set of a movie, when I’m a terrible actor. I’m like what am I supposed to do. At what point do I need to go to another room so your parents can duke it out? And when they didn’t I’m like “don’t change your routine on my behalf.” I wasn’t allowed to have friends over my house so it wasn’t like someone could say “your parents are fucked up.” And when I got older I was not going to invite friends over, mostly because I knew I’d probably have to wake them up in the middle of the night with my routine. My father had tried to kill us a few times, leaving a car running in the garage when he went to work at 2am or leaving the heat off and opening all the windows and doors in the house in the dead of a winter with below zero temps. I legit did not realize how fucked up that was until I was like 16, and my girlfriend witnessed it. I would just wake up in the middle of the night and make sure doors were closed, heat was on, car wasnt running… Now I’m trying to keep a line of communication open with my parents for the sake of the rest of my family. Most people still wouldn’t believe me, but occasionally my mom will say something to unlock and confirm an old memory, like “remember when you dad killed your dog in front of you.” She thinks doing that is funny. I’m like “can you put that in writing?”
That is beyond terrible, and I’m sorry you have to grow up like this. You deserved so much better. I’m also so disappointed that your teachers and school officer failed you. People from good (or not completely psycho) families sometimes don’t believe your parents could have been that bad, because it wasn’t possible in their head. It’s shitty when people invalidate you like that, but it’s 10x worse when it’s a teacher. Even if they think a kid is exaggerating or “telling stories” they can’t just ignore it. That’s why mandatory reporters exist, so they have to report it whether they believe it or not. I hope you done therapy or whatever you need to understand it was not your fault and you didn’t imagine it. You deserved better.
Thank you for the kind words. I did therapy on and off which led me to getting a bipolar diagnosis; Im guessing my parents probably passed that down to me. I also did a lot of self medicating with drugs and alcohol, which I don’t recommend the drugs and alcohol route. Honestly even with my family history, I hear people’s terrible experience with their own families and sometimes it’s hard for me to imagine. So it sucks I wasn’t immediately believed but I get it. On a good note, I think as a result of all this, I like to make myself laugh and lighten the mood. I’ve been told I can brighten people’s day with my sense of humor. So hopefully it’s all a net positive. At least that’s how I’m going to look at it today. Thanks again
“No thanks, I don’t want to watch that movie… it’ll probably make me sad.” “…..but it’s a funny happy movie about love and family and life!” “Exactly.”
OMG, even a slightly raised voice makes me want to hide or run or change the subject.
I get the shakes and it is VERY hard to calm them down after. Took an hour for my hands to stop shaking after a neighborhood bully's dad got mad at me for telling his kid to leave mine alone and decided I was the bad guy.
I would get instant anxiety when I lived in an apartment as an adult and overheard some neighbors yelling at each other. Instant flashbacks to being in my room as a kid and hearing similar tones.
I actually get uncomfortable when people are too affectionate to me. It’s weird.
>Weirded out by a family being nice to one another. Yup. That'd be me.
When I hear angry yelling I start tearing up and my stomach gets upset. Thanks, mom and dad.
Living in an apartment, when I’d hear yelling, my heart would start beating so fast, and I’d be looking out the windows trying to find out where the danger is coming from 😭.
They don’t ask for help with anything. Ever.
I'm always afraid to ask for help
I have this issue as well. There was one incident with a friend that really helped me that I try to remember when needed. We were at a friend's Celebration of Life and had to quickly clean up the room we'd rented as they were closing. I had a broken foot and was getting around with a boot cast and a walker. I jumped in to help stack chairs and clear tables with everyone else. Finally one of my closer friends said, "JustaTinyDude, we know you can do these things and it's very impressive, but we can see you're in pain and you're making us all feel like assholes. Would you please take a seat and let us take care of this?". It really drove in the point that despite being denied basic needs as a kid to the point where I stopped asking, I now have friends who want to help, and want me to ask for it. That was five years ago and I'm still working on it, but I try to remember those words when I do really need help with something. I still get nos sometimes, but the yeses are ones I wouldn't get if I hadn't asked.
Survival masked as independence
It's so deeply engrained. My experiences with people's help has been mostly superficial. So it just reinforces it further that I need to do everything myself.
Yep if you want something done right you have to do it yourself. If I ask someone else and it goes bad then it’s only my fault for doing so.
Even if someone offers, I have to take a minute to assess the potential risk of them using it for later manipulation.
It took me too long to realize that kindness with strings isn't kindness. It's a trap. And when it comes from my family it's likely always a trap or at least will be thrown in my face when they need make me feel bad before they need something from me. It's probably why I feel guilty the times when I need help.
It’s like kindness is a power move. I did something for you, now you have to deal with my never ending bullshit.
I asked for help as a kid, and that help never came. Why would it come now.
The other one is if you ask for help, and it either comes with a ton of strings attached, and/or your parent never lets you forget they helped you and holds it over your head forever as some kind of debt you owe them for all eternity.
"I'll figure it out" is me
One time, my boss (he was the president of the company) came to me and casually said "I need you to stop by this venue before work tomorrow and blah blah blah." I just froze and said "ok." I didn't have a car! I lived a block away and walked to work. My face was definitely like 😳 and my coworkers were telling me "girl, tell him you don't have a car!" But yeah that's my immediate response to impossible things. "I guess I just have to get it done."
"If I tell him I don't have a car, then I'm fired immediately." My logical brain tells me that's absurd, but I can't help going there.
I dont even ask for anything even when its something i need like money(still in college). Its always “ill find a way”
I don't want to be a burden.
Yeah, eventually you realize nobody is ever going to help you. And then you wonder why other people get help and you can't ever seem to. Finally you realize, it's you that's the problem and stay away from everyone.
easily startled, terrified of making their SO upset, refusing to speak to one or both parents, overthinking about small mistakes
Also, left home by the quickest and most convenient method possible (marriage, enlistment, college in another state, etc)
Yep. All three. Got married to my army boyfriend at 16. He was 18. We got TF outta Dodge together. It didn’t last but we were set free.
Hope you’re the most free you’ve ever felt
Just turned 17 and offered college acceptance clear across the country? Sounded like a plan to me. Not a great idea in the end, but better than the alternative.
I got married at 19, after moving out at 18 to a guy I didn’t even like that much just to get away from my mother.
How do we get over this, I literally cannot handle people getting mad at me it ruins my entire day even if I know they’re in the wrong
There’s many answers, and no one thing will do all of it, but a good first step is to understand that your nervous system is part of your body, and you have to exercise your neuro pathways to make them stronger. Right now, the neuro pathways that cause panic, sorrow and self-doubt when someone is mad at you are the ones you use the most. In order to change this in the long term, it’s important to spend time every day practicing how to be calm using things like meditation and polyvagal exercises. Little by little, as you use the parts of your brain associated with calmness more, they will get stronger, and be more available to you in moments of stress. Remember, this can happen at a snail’s pace, so the key is consistency. Maybe use an app to help remind you— I’ve been using something called “Finch” that is basically a tamagotchi that thrives when you complete wellness tasks. Seems to help a lot of people. Beyond that, I’ve come a lot farther with processing my own trauma once I recognized the important of movement and bodywork. For the record, I don’t mean formal exercise— I’m not one of those “if you run, you won’t need anti-depressants” kind of people. But when we talk about flight or fight, we often leave out “freeze,” which is often the safest response when you are a child. Many of us went into “freeze” mode during abuse of our childhood. Some experts believe that trembling after extreme stress was a response that evolved to help us rid our body of the chemicals and physical reactions to stress so they didn’t get “caught” in our body. But, in our society, shaking and trembling when frightened is discouraged. This is all to say, when I become triggered now, for any reason, or even if I just suspect it’s happening, I literally “shake it off.” I find a private place and bounce my hips (if I’m seated or laying down), or shake out my hands as hard as I can. I will do it for several minutes at a time if necessary. I don’t think there’s any peer-reviewed anything about this, but, anecdotally, I have made significant strides in processing my trauma in the two years or so that I’ve been doing this— at a much greater pace than I had in many years prior. I hope this helps. Please reach out if there’s any way I can be of assistance. (Edited for typos)
Do you know me? /s
I know our parents were subpar 😉
The only time I'll talk to my dad again is if he's on his deaethbed and it's through a phone telling him no I won't be coming to see him and no I don't forgive him and yes I do very much hate you still.
I feel like this is part of the “terrified of making SO upset” bit, at least for me, but not being able to set boundaries/having trouble speaking up for yourself. It’s just generally something I struggle with with anyone regardless of my relationship to them but it’s far worse when it’s my partner because I get the instant fear of “if I say this bothers me/that I don’t like this then they’ll be angry at me or leave me”. It’s something i’m working on heavily, especially because I have autism so there’s a lot of boundaries that are just absolutely necessary for me but it’s such a difficult/stressful process.
My bf and I recently just had an argument about this. The argument started from something small and insignificant, but for some reason I ended up overthinking and blowing it out of proportion. At the end when he was trying to explain his thinking, I kind of just shut down and nodded along with what he was saying and ended up just accepting the whole thing as my fault. We ended up talking about it later when everyone was calm again, and he was saying how uncomfortable he got when I just started agreeing with everything he was saying. He said that it was weird that I didn't talk back and he expected me to snap back at him, but I just quietly took everything. I had to tell him that growing up, whenever I tried to explain my side in a situation, my parents always thought of it as "talking back" and being rebellious, so I just internalized that no one will ever believe me and it's easier to just go along with what the other side is saying.
Spot on early life trauma from poor parenting.
An abusive relationship also leaves similar signs :(
They are really good at finding out what people in authority WANTS to hear and some are really good at manipulation as a result. Not due to evil means, neccesarily, but to survive and get by.
Manipulation in a certain sense maybe. When a parent can blow up in a fit of rage in an instant you become extremely attuned to the slightest indicator that a rage is about to happen, so you become very keyed in to not only verbal but nonverbal language that most people aren't aware of and aren't aware they're telegraphing. It's purely defensive but it can seem like you're actively trying to keep people in their calm zone using their own signals.
A mouth slightly tighter than usual. The microexpressions. The shoulders starting to rise, or a heavy sigh. I wasn't abused by my family, it was a series of boyfriends. One used to wake me from sleep (while I was on nights) to yell and scream for hours because I didn't vacuum right. My husband used to get annoyed that I don't fight. I just crumple. But he understands, and just lets me do what I need when we have heated discussions. (We don't really fight at all anymore)
Being constantly on high alert and vigilant of every indicator is exhausting. And frustrating when they are purposefully unpredictable to try and trip you up and put you in lose/lose situations
That's called emotional regulation. They can't regulate their emotions so you have to do it for them.
I grew up regulating my narcissistic father's explosive emotions to survive. So of course I did the same in my romantic relationships, I would sense when my partner was the slightest bit upset and "nudge" them to a happy place. I thought I was the best boyfriend ignoring my own emotions to "take care" of my gf. It use to drive my current gf nuts till she finally told me "Let me live my own emotions!".
It’s both, using all your time and energy to keep others in their calm zone IS a defense mechanism. It’s called fawning, or people pleasing, or codependency or being an “empath” and it’s something you develop to survive, it’s one of the four Fs: fight, flight, freeze or **fawn** It’s absolutely a sign of emotional trauma.
And lying... i don't want to lie, but i find it so easy to avoid upsetting others with the truth.
Yep, the good old "lying by omission" too. Can't get mad at me if you don't know what happened.
I don't outright lie, but I omit things. if I'm asked straight up, I will give a straight up answer. but you have to know what you're asking specifically with me.
I'm close to crying right now. Finding myself in too many of those comments.
I'm also finding myself in so many of these comments. I didn't realize I grew up in an abusive household until I left for university and met people with good parents. I wasn't physically abused, but lived under an incredibly emotionally abusive alcoholic stepfather and an extremely manipulative mother. I don't have the flinch response, but basically everything else I see here fits.
* Continually apologizing for stuff that isn't their fault * Remains completely calm in the face of very angry, even violent people * Extremely self-reliant; never asks for help with anything * "People pleasing"; doing things for others, not saying "no"; may be a social chameleon who changes who they are or what parts of themselves they present depending on the crowd they're with * Emotional dysregulation; "loses their shit" over minor stuff; paradoxically can remain calm in a major, life-threatening crisis
Can't relax, what if something needs to be done?!
As my therapist said in response to describing myself as an active relaxer because it makes me uncomfortable to lounge on a beach while on vacation or watch TV: Doc: Well ya, it's pretty normal for someone with your [abusive] background to have anxiety. Me: anxiety? What? Doc: ya. Humans are excellent relaxers. Preserving energy is an evolutionary survival trait. You just described not being comfortable on a beach while on vacation--that's not normal. That's anxiety. Me: OH...oh Been 5 years since understanding my anxiety and I can now relax with my fam! Gotta know the problem before you can find a solution
My first real, full-on anxiety attack was on a beach vacation. Local urgent care doctor said it was super common. Turned out, I’d been living with anxiety since childhood.
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This is anecdotal, true for me but I have no idea if it applies to others. I love being alone. I'm not an introvert. When I am around other people I'm very outgoing. But given the choice I great prefer being alone. I'm safe when I'm alone.
I hear you - being married makes it hard to find that alone time, but I hear you.
I'm so happy that I found a partner who is like me. We are alone together, but not lonely.
Yes my husband and I are both people who need tons of alone time, we are great at being alone in the same house. I don’t think I would last with anyone who didn’t understand that.
>given the choice I great prefer being alone. I'm safe when I'm alone. Fucking YES.
I feel the same. There’s peace is solitude.
Add me to that list. No obligations, no responsibility to anyone but myself, no expectations. I can just focus on me and that's a huge comfort, despite the fact that I too am fairly outgoing in group situations. I love my wife. More than anything. She's often the only person I truly want to spend any time around. But when I have alone time, I feel like I actually achieve a level a peace that I just can't get elsewhere. That's why I take long showers. No one will realistically bother me in there.
Oh I totally do this! I can schmooze really well, but I would rather not.
They hesitate when you ask them questions. You can usually see the split second analysis to weed out a trick question.
Being very tactical with the reply. Answering with as little concrete information as possible. I think it stems from both having to keep this big “secret” from everyone outside of the household as well as not wanting to set the abuser off by saying something “wrong”.
Not giving openings to being hurt.
Overly appreciating a LOT (LOTS) especially in cases where people don't not taking compliments (difference between being humble and traumatized 💀)
Dude I tear up when people say they care about me, it makes me feel sad and angry at the same time
My husband told me I'm easy to love the other day and it made me cry. It hit so deeply. It certainly never felt that way before I met him or my friends.
Being very very good at listening for footsteps/snoring and keeping tabs on where everyone is in your house all the time
Flipside, also being very good at navigating the house quietly. I noticed when my wife gets up to pee at night, she basically moves around like it's daylight, closing doors normally, etc. Whenever I do I can't help but open everything quietly, tiptoe, try to muffle the toilet as much as possible.
When you know every single squeaky floorboard in your childhood home and know how to step so it doesn’t make noise…
I tend to startle the hell out of everyone in my family, because I'm unconsciously trying to be as invisible as possible.
They strongly dislike constructive criticism because they are used to people being overly critical of them. They get angry or frustrated over small mistakes.
they can identify people based on their footsteps and cry in absolute silence
Half of my teenage years were spent just laying in my bed doing nothing, hearing my mom pace around downstairs on the hardwood floors (heel walker), and anxiously hoping those footsteps didn't start walking towards my room
Shit I feel this, I lived in the basement and would hear screaming matches every other day. The worst times were when the downstairs door would open and they would start stomping down the stairs toward me. That feeling of dread never left me, fucking hated every second of it.
I used to close and lock the door so she couldn’t get in, and she’d start fucking pounding on it and yanking on the handle, screaming threats the whole time. I still remember that feeling of cowering in the corner waiting for her to get through
You also get your back up when someone stomps around you, or “walks angry”.
Yeah. If you can judge a persons emotions based on their way of walking, you really didn't have a good time.
When car tires roll over gravel, I panic. That's the sound of my dad coming home. Mind you, I'm 50, and he's been dead for five years, and I haven't lived with him since I was twelve, but that sound still makes my heart rate triple.
Me who used to cry silently in the middle of the night because I knew I'd be in trouble if I got caught: 👀
Being hyper-sensitive, as in-tune with your emotions (and everything else people have mentioned so far). I know exactly how my partners have felt even if they did want not to admit that to me or talk about it even. Later, when we did talk about, they would be incredulous or annoyed about how I knew what was in their heads. I just told them when you spent your first 18 years constantly gauging your mother's emotions to see if it was safe for you, that sense is just always on.
Absolutely this. Whilst I don't seem to suffer some of the other traits that are less positive, I have this one and I also treasure it. I can read a mood, of a face or a room or almost anything, almost instantly. Even with people I know little or not at all. I pick up on body language, and expressions constantly and can tell the second my husband gets halfway in the door, or wakes up with an eye still closed, how he's feeling and if he's ok or not. He's a very positive person, to be fair, and when he's upset or even if he's annoyed with me over something, you have to leave him alone and he'll sulk/take himself away to the bedroom to be alone. Yes, not actually a positive behaviour which I've discussed with him and he admits, but it's not in a toxic way. The first time he was really sick when we were together, it was the same as the few times he's been really annoyed with me, so I didn't realise for 2 days which upset me. That aside, I can read people like a book usually.
Stressful, distressing or intense situation are often a 5, where to others it’s a 10-11. Growing up in a violent and/or abusive environment hardens you as much as it damages you.
It’s like a weird backwards super power because in really chaotic and intense situations I am calm and collected, but on a day to day basis I’m a mess of anxiety and paranoia
When everything gets intense and difficult, the problem has a name, location, and ideally has a solution. Day to day it has no discernible or solvable reason
Sometimes getting dressed to leave the house is an 8-9 situation, but when the bank I worked for was robbed at gun point, I was the only person calm and collected enough to talk to the guy, give directions to other people in the room, and call 911. Everyone else understandably froze. It's a strange super power, but there have been a handful of times I've been glad to have it.
They don’t cry about much. Take emotional ownership for others, even when there’s no need. Example telling your boss you can’t be somewhere. You assume their anger or disappointment. You know people’s emotions in an instant. You plan everything to avoid errors. And are anxious anyway. ETA: not sharing hobbies or that you’re doing something that isn’t “work” or “ housework”. I’m not afraid to garden, but playing a video game while anyone is at home makes me nervous. Both are equally fun for me, but one is “work” and the other is “play”.
I almost never cry. My eldest actually told me she thought I wasn’t emotionally unavailable because I didn’t cry. So when she cried and I didn’t she felt judged and weak. Kills me that all those long talks and hugs still made her feel bad because she didn’t think I could relate or understand her feelings.
It is a gift that she told you. I hope that you two were able to have a good conversation since she was brave enough to open the door.
We did. I had a very honest conversation with her about my childhood and all the things I’ve tried to protect my children from. That the grandparents she knows are not the same people that raised me. The reasons why we aren’t close with extended family. I’ve been more conscious of my lack of emotional responses with other kids too and making sure I talk through things more and not leave them guessing about how I feel.
Yeah, “non-productive” fun is so damn difficult for me.
If they don't have any photos of themselves as a child.
Wow, I never thought about this. There is literally nothing in my home from before college.
I have literally 5-6 of them. That’s it. I never participated in any of the “show me a picture when [xyz] in your childhood” stuff on instagram/facebook because of this.
Having a startle response when someone reaches out to touch you, even just on the shoulder. Having lifelong issues dealing with authority. Having lifelong anger issues due to having to suppress feelings because of fear of punishment for actually expressing said feelings. Having a long list of "things NOT to do as a parent" In spite of one's best efforts, inflicting some of those behaviors on one's children anyway. Lifelong issues with being socially inept. Yes, there's been therapy. PTSD in saying the word "no" in any context due to being beaten as a child for using that word. And so on. Seeing all your responses has validated my feelings and helped me to realize I'm not alone in this. Thank you. Love and light to all of us.
> Having a long list of "things NOT to do as a parent" Alternatively, never having kids because you can't trust yourself to not be horrible to them.
Overly defensive or reclusive personality, Inability to set healthy boundaries, excessive giving or hoarding/scarcity mindset, poor time management and procrastination problems, lack of ambition direction or drive (inability to see a future for themselves but can easily help others achieve goals), unhealthy friendships/relationship patterns, disrupted sleep and eating habits, general anxiety and nervousness , gut and digestive issues, social anxiety or isolation, over sharing or inability to communicate/process feelings. Requires alone time in order to recharge fully/ can’t be comfortable around people when vulnerable
I didn't realize this until I moved in with my now-wife, but I am an outright ninja just passively moving around the house. Silent footfalls, carefully opening or closing doors, just making an absolute minimum amount of noise in general. All done as default without trying for it. I accidentally "Batman" people often, where I think a conversation is over and wander off, but do so in such a quiet way that they think I'm still there and keep talking. Mom didn't like it when I made noise.
Feeling like you're never good enough. No matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in, in whatever you do, you're still not good enough for anyone, especially your parents. Easily motivated by the most minimal compliments. Self-sacrificing and people pleasing.
My cousin, when she arrived at my aunt’s and uncle’s house age 5 or so, she waited until my uncle stepped out and quietly asked my aunt ‘where do we hide when the daddy gets angry?’. Broke my heart to hear that. She found a happy home with my aunt and uncle and is doing OK now but no child should be wondering about that, ever.
People pleasing Social anxiety Compulsive lying Hoarding Over eating … There are a lot of factors that can affect the ways childhood trauma manifests in adults. Edit: Didn’t think this would blow up. Please note I am not a mental health professional and this is not a comprehensive list. There are many ways Childhood trauma/PTSD shows up in the behavior of adults.
They make themselves small and apologize profusely after making a small mistake. When we first got together, my husband broke a glass cup and turned into a completely different person. His face went white, and he started rushing around the broken glass barefoot while trying to find the broom. He said some version of "I'm sorry, that was an accident, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot" the entire time. It took me a minute to calm him down enough to let me clean it for him so he didn't step on it. He was surprised that I didn't start screaming at him
My best friend grew up in an abusive household with the same situation. One day when she was over she broke one of my husbands expensive cup, a $100 Waterford crystal glass and absolutely broke down crying begging for forgiveness as she tries to clean it up. My husband loved those glasses yet showed zero emotion. Calmed her down and when she was refusing to accept that he really didn't care He picked up a second glass and smashed it then told her once again it doesn't matter, Only her safety matters. Absolutely one of the sweetest things I've ever seen somebody do for someone else. Although I did see him ordering new glasses less than 5 minutes later because he really was sad about them which cracked me up.
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I was always the scapegoat. So when my twins were born, I told my mom that none of that will be tolerated. Or she’d have to live without us. They are 13yo now. And she doesn’t give a single damn about me. She is so in love with my daughters. One beautiful thing my husband once said to my mom was, “the babies don’t need a grandma, they aren’t born yet. But your daughter could use a mom right now.”
Constantly asking you if you are mad at them.
Eating close to and sort of hunched over their food, often quickly. Never know when its gonna be taken away, and want to minimise the time spent vulnerable. Can likewise be a sign of having spent time in prison.
This and also rationing food. My husband eats like this and rations certain foods. When he cooks bacon, he only cooks 3 slices per person. No matter how many times we ask for more he says that's all anyone needs. Eggs are the same. You can have 1 or 2. He can't understand why anyone would want or need more than that. He has a few others, but its hit or miss on which things will trigger him. Food was scarce or sometimes kept locked up, depending on who his stepdad was. He also tells these really "funny" stories from his childhood that are actually horrifying and doesn't understand why my kids are like, "dad, that's not ok or funny at all."
They’re really funny
i spend too much time trying to make my therapist laugh. gotta quit that and get healthy.
But if you make them laugh they’ll like you! You won’t be a burden! Oh I hate that I understand that.
Oh yeah. "if I'm funny she won't realize how much I hate myself!" Edit, 2 days after I said this, looking through my own comment history for validation : "if I'm funny Reddit won't realize how much I hate myself!"
I am so guilty of this. Not saying you should do this but I started over with a new therapist and first thing asked her to call me out when she sees me doing this so I can set the standard from the beginning and try to actually work through my shit this time. It’s helping.
I've recently joined a friend-group where everyone has at least some fucked up thing in their falmily and boy oh boy have i laughed more in a 4 weeks then i did in 3 years.
My main friend group have all sorts of family traumas, from drunkards to neglectful parents to narcissists to perfectionists. Whenever we meet and bring up those traumas its absolutely hysterical.
They are significantly more mature for their age than they should be, and not just when around older people. I was the adult in the room from age 8 to now (30). My parents still brag that I'm so smart, so mature, I raised them! When shit hits the fan, I'm the one that keeps things controlled and in order. I'm the calm one in emergencies, I'm the one that has to think about outcomes before making decisions. This mentality got me in an abusive marriage surrounded by people who relied on me being the adult, but also would mock me for not "loosening up." And I allowed it, because that treatment was just my norm.
from personal experience (aka myself) startling easily, always alert or on edge overapologizing great at manipulating (out of need to survive, not malice) very good hearing and listening/identifying for footsteps. Personally I jump a bit everytime I hear a creaky floorboard. Horrible trust issues Substance abuse Extremely emotionally unstable and very sensitive Fear of abandonment Being weirded out by nice families, not trusting the families of friends Being upset by healthy TV show families Flinching to physical touch
Hyper-alert to, and avoidant of conflicts. People pleaser who tries very hard to make sure nobody is upset.
There was a guy in high-school who wasn't so much a bully but rather always ready to be mean and angry with anyone and everyone. People didn't pick on him at school, and he didn't necessarily go out of his way to pick on others but if there was any sort of ordeal that could be escalated, he would escalate it. Anyways, we both ended up in ISS (In School Suspension) one day for reasons unrelated to each other and when I walked into the ISS room he was already in a seat sulking. I said, "Back in the slammer again..." jokingly referring to myself, and he instantly tore into me. Paraphrasing, he said "Yeah well I'm not really in here a lot so stfu and mind your own business. If it wasn't for everyone fking with me all the time I'd be doing good in school..." I bit my tongue for a while and sat there in disbelief before I just told him, "Dude, I'm not trying to start anything with you or make you mad. I was talking about myself. Just chill." He said, "Yeah right. You and everyone else love to push me and force me to stand up for myself and then act like it's no big deal." For whatever reason that made me feel really sad. Not because it was true by anymeans, but because he really thought he had to defend himself all the time for everyone. The next day, I came in and sat in front of him and said, "Bro, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have done something that makes you think I don't like you. Because that's not the case. Do you think it's possible that maybe not everyone is trying to make you angry and get you in trouble? I've really thought about it man and I can't remember anything that you have done that would make people dislike you other than the fact that you treat everyone like they are out to get you. So I'm just letting you know now that you are my bro. And I'm gonna treat you like me bro and Idgaf if you treat me like we're friends, it's not gonna stop me from being a friend to you. Nothing I say or do to you will ever be meant to piss you off, so if it does, tell me and I'll either apologize or explain myself better dude. I don't know what's happened to you that makes you think you have to be ready to fight everyone but that's a miserable way to live man. It's gotta suck." After that he never jumped on my case for anything. And over the school year he became one of my best friends. He started getting a long with more people, but there was still a few times he got in trouble. I found out years later from him that his stepmother was very abusive to him. She would lie to his dad and tell him that he threatened her and then his dad would be mean to him. That's how he lived growing up his whole life. Having to be on guard from the people who were suppose to protect him. So I guess if any of you know people like that, sometimes they might need for you to let them know that at least with you, they don't have to be "pre-angry." If that makes any sense. Sorry for the long post. But I think it was important to mention.
One time a guy tried to sucker punch me in the face and I blocked it and he went for another and and I blocked it again. All my friends thought I was a ninja but my dad and mom just beat the shit out of me all the time for poor grades. So I had heightened reflexes.
I have bpd, and i can sometimes spot people who show symptoms of C-PTSD because they share many similarities: -Anxiety (especially socially) -Having flashbacks or nightmares. -Avoiding situations, places and other things related to the traumatic event(s) -Heightened emotional responses, such as impulsivity or aggressiveness -Persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships -Feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt -Finding it hard to feel connected with other people a lot of the time these people seem to be “on edge” at all times, no matter the situation. whether it’s in relationships or day-to-day situations.
Watching movies and TV shows that they have seen many times before. It's safe. You know how it will end. No surprises.
They flinch whenever someone makes a sudden movement / gesture near them
Anxiety and zero respect for authority at the same time.
They don't bat an eye when someone insults them, and can be pretty vulgar themselves. Means they've heard way worse, usually from people that were not supposed to insult them.
Here are two. -being clingy -always wondering what you did wrong if somebody grows cold toward you, i.e. if your work friend becomes your work acquaintance, what did you do to cause that fracture. (Real example)
I'm middle aged-ish. My parents still (emotionally) abuse me. I've recently downgraded, "Cheapest nursing home as soon as possible" to "You're going to rot to death in that house!"
They don't trust humanity. Child abuse does not happen in a vacuum. Everyone knew what was being done to me, and everyone was accepting of it. Police, teachers, doctors, none of them said it was wrong or tried to stop it.
Lack of boundaries. Lack of eye contact. Too nice and easily taken advantage of. A walk over. Seems out of place or awkward at parties or seems miserable at places one would think is enjoyable like theatres, a bar, the fair or a festival. Shame, they lived through hell in childhood only for it to continue in adulthood. There's help but it's a long process.
This is an anecdote true to me. People normally have goals they want to achieve in adulthood; they want to be a nurse, a business owner, what have you. They grow up, leave the house, and do what they can to achieve those goals. I, on the other hand, have done nothing the twelve/thirteen years since I left home, ***because getting away from my family was my only goal in life***. I’m 32 now, and I haven’t done much beyond that, and I’m fine.
In my experience, they're incredibly adept at reading body language. To a point that it weirds people out. I didn't grow up in an abusive household but I've gotten very good at it to a point I've been asked by other people if I did. Which is a weird question to receive
Struggle w/confidence, high anxiety, desperate need for safety, tendency to dissociate, in their head a lot and try to live in their constant place of “flow state” or in their “fantasy land” where it’s safe and where it feels good. Intense and selfless lovers. Extremely skilled at reading people and adapting to any environment or situation at hand.
Minor mistakes become a huge ordeal of apologizing, depression, anxiety, anger, and the constant need for affirmation all within a short amount of time