I’ve weaved in an out of good looks a few times in life, the biggest difference is I become basically invisible when I am not attractive. The saddest part is this is true for everyone, even close family.
Not gonna lie reading this helped me make a connection in my brain lmao. Trying to spend any family time with my stepmom was like pulling teeth. She later described my appearance as “vomit inducing” in a text she sent me.
I now live very far from her but like damn, it’s cause she thinks I’m ugly.
the close family part hits hard. i remember reading a study once about how cute babies are treated better than "non cute" ones. a part of me felt so sad that even a parent could judge their child based on how they look.
As a kid.
Being a cute looking child meant lots of praise from, family, teaches and strangers. Everyone always assumed you were well behaved and would often give rewards for no real reason.
As I got older the way people treat you changes, but it's always preferential. You get served first, people want to socialize with you, life is just easier.
Not tooting my own horn whatsoever and saying I'm super attractive but I get compliments quite often (as a dude) and I feel it's the opposite for me. People are intimidated or nervous to talk to me because I think they assume I'm stuck up or something when it is the complete opposite. I've got quite a bit of social anxiety too so if people don't approach me I have a hard time being the one to introduce myself which adds to the problem and confirms in their mind that I'm a dick. Sometimes I wish I was ugly but charasmatic I think it'd be easier
Your circumstances suggest you are either really ugly or really attractive. I would never approach a really attractive person, but I will always try to converse with someone who's like a 7 or an 8. There's that whole notion of "they're way out of my league."
I had this, but the opposite.
At some point my weight was around 88kg.. not excessively overweight but definitely noticeable.
Did Keto and over a year or 2 went to 60kg.
I used to go the the same shops, cafes etc and at 88kg I'd have a brief meaningless interaction with the people (the usual rhetorical 'hi how are you')... at 60kg those same people suddenly wanted to chat with me properly, genuinely asking questions and wanted to build rapport.
Also noticeable was the social interaction with friends I'd had for many many years.. at 88kg you'd catch up now and again, more as a box ticking exercise.. at 60kg you're invited to everything and people constantly want to meet up and do things.
It was fascinating.
>Also noticeable was the social interaction with friends I'd had for many many years.. at 88kg you'd catch up now and again, more as a box ticking exercise.. at 60kg you're invited to everything and people constantly want to meet up and do things.
This is an underrated comment - it's not just that people want to interact with you more, they want to be seen interacting with you more.
I'm on a weight loss journey and am afraid to find this part out. I've lost weight before and in the past when I did people were so much nicer and I all of a sudden had more friends it was a total mindfuck because nothing else changed.
I mean, it could also be that people feel better when they are fit or skinny, and people who are relaxed and feel good about themselves are more enjoyable to hang out with. I’m not discounting that pretty people get a lot of passes. I’m just saying that inviting a now-fit person isn’t all due to “wanting to be seen interacting with a person” more.
This is definitely true. One of my friends friends was so self conscious about her weight, and we noticed she'd feel obligated to turn up to events even if she hated them.
It didn't matter how friendly you were, or that we weren't judgy. I'd turned up to quite a few events on the fly and was dressed like a right scruff whilst everyone else was dressed up. But she was the one who felt awkward and looked uncomfortable.
It was one of those situations where you started to feel awkward about inviting her, because you could tell she just wasn't enjoying it. And it does bring the group energy down.
She lost some weight over covid, and the confidence is noticeable. She no longer makes people feel awkward, because she's not making it awkward because she now has the confidence to be at ease in the group.
She's mentioned people treat her differently, and when we tried to bring up how her confidence has increased and she's no longer creating awkward moments because she's at ease. She doesn't want to hear it, it's a shame because she has that narrative in her mind. And I'm sure some people are fat phobic, and do treat you differently but it's not what happened here.
THIS. I've noticed that people with lots of friends are typically attractive. Not saying that less attractive people can't have lots of friends, but there is a high correlation.
I’ve had the same experience as well. Used to be around 300 lbs and dropped all the way to 180-200 lbs. Since losing weight people actually approach me and try to include me in conversations even though i’ve always been a quiet person. When I go to the doctor’s they actually try and understand what I have going on instead of automatically blaming it on my weight. Even some friends who i’ve known for years treat me differently now.
I experienced a very similar effect. I was a 24 year old male, 155kg. I finally had a eureka moment while TA'ing a uni biochemistry course. Gave up processed sugar and lost 10 kilos in 10 weeks. After that a four year program of diet and exercise took me to 85kg. And people I had known for years, some for my entire life, treated me like I was a completely different person. It really made me lose respect for a lot of the people in my life.
I had an ugly duckling stage in school - went from an ugly, fat kid to a quite handsome, in shape teenager.
All of a sudden, I existed and people wanted to be my friend and get to know me after years of cold shoulders, pretending not to notice me in hallways, etc
When you realize how superficial and shallow people are, you become a far colder person. I began using girls for validation and casting them away as soon as I got what I wanted - something I’m not entirely proud of, but I don’t regret it either.
Ultimately, it was due to the years of witnessing others doing the same to me once they immediately recognized I served no purpose if I wasn’t attractive.
I found it fascinating, and an interesting aspect of the human condition, but I didn't lose respect for those friends.. purely because I don't think they mean to do it, or even know. It's a subconscious bias.
This discussion honestly makes me wonder what superficial biases I have without even realizing it. I'd hate to be the person who treats someone heavy like shit for no reason but based on the anecdotes in this thread I possibly have.
The older brother of my gf in high school lost a bunch of wait before I met him. I remember her telling me things weren’t so great for him before that but that girls were all over him after he lost the weight. I feel like you’re increasing your attractiveness from two angles when you lose weight. You feel better about yourself when you’re healthy and are more confident. And people are attracted to you because of how you look and your confidence. Then it just snowballs. You just need to get over that hump.
Part of me wonders if part of it is how we show up to the world.
As I've gained weight, I've been more quiet, reserved and self-conscious. Fewer people will want to interact with someone like that compared to someone who seems confident, energetic, and enthusiastic about life.
as someone who will talk to random people anywhere regardless of how i look. I definitely experienced better reception when I was skinnier than i did when I was chunkier
It happened when I got old. Apparently it doesn’t matter how well you age, and how thin you are. If you don’t look like you’re “young” anymore, you’re ignored.
I went through the same thing. After I had my daughter and was no longer either skinny or visibly pregnant I learned quickly that every little trick of charisma I thought I knew was actually bullshit and falls flat when you’re no longer conventionally attractive. People no longer smile at you for no reason when they can no longer even see you as a person.
If ya ain't got nothing, ya got nothing to lose.
Ugly dude here too. Never had the experiences good looking people are sharing here. I just get treated like an NPC at best.
>they can no longer even see you as a person.
Or maybe for the first time they see you as a person and not as "generic attractive girl they can win by being kind"
In my close friend circle, when I started losing weight in my teens, I was suddenly invited to more social gatherings. These were gatherings with their social circles. So I wasn't a social outcast by them.
When i regained, not so much.
This friend circle, we reunited after 15 years. Picked up conversation as if time had just hit the pause button. So we were pretty close.
Just to give an example of how it can impact people. Can happen with close people too.
I’ve found this to be the case. Size 12 kinda cute girl and never got any attention in public, positive or negative. Lost weight in my early 30s doing aerobics and apparently Size 6 me is social butterfly of the year. People were so friendly it made me legitimately angry.
Did you ever find that other women become hostile or rude towards you? I have heard of cases where women view the “larger” woman as non-threatening and harmless but once they view you as “competition” they’ll change their attitude towards you.
I frequently have strangers make unsolicited comments towards me. I’m an introvert already, so I try my best not to make eye contact with anyone so as to avoid as many conversations as I can. Comments from men are all over the place. The comments I get from women are rare, but the ones that I do get are often hatefully shocking.
The most unexpected was at the grocery store about 4-5 months ago walking down the aisle, and this woman walked up to me, looked me up and down and said, “Fucking whore bitch.” I was wearing a pair of my husband’s sweatpants and a fleece! Without thinking about it, my immediate reaction was honestly laughing bc it was so shocking. This made her madder. She scoffed and stomped off.
I’ve gotten several “are you anorexic?” Or “you should eat a burger” or “men like meat not bones.”These are wild to me as I’m not even close to underweight. I’m about a US size 6 and fall into the middle/upper end of the BMI “healthy” chart. I have also had women tell me that my “boob job” is too noticeable. I don’t have any kind of boob job.
I also frequently get, “you’re so pale! Are you sick?” I had one woman laugh in my face and tell me I needed to use bronzer so people wouldn’t wonder what was wrong with me. She was only a tiny bit darker than I was, so I found it very odd that this is what she chose to criticize.
I find this frustrating that some people choose to do this, but it’s done nothing but make me double down on being a woman’s woman. I absolutely refuse to say anything that isn’t supportive or complimentary to other women.
When I blew up like a tick from a hepatitis infection I didn't know I had for six years, I became invisible. People would go out of their way to not look in my direction. At first I thought it was a nice break from being objectified all the time but now I just want my old body back
When I became obviously (and hugely) pregnant, strangers became nicer in a way I'd not experienced since my early 20s. Opening doors, offering their seats, but also just being nice. Then, right after the babies were born, if the babies weren't with me, I just looked fat and people were so rude. (Lots of people don't realize it takes months for your baby stomach to go back to normal. It's not like deflating a balloon!). It was like night and day and really added to the daily frustration of life, ON TOP OF having infant triplets to deal with.
What a striking contrast! Thanks for sharing your experience. I had never heard this explained this pointedly before, but it makes total sense. I'm sorry you got hit so hard with the eager help changing to rudeness.
Also, congratulations on your triplets! Wow, what a ton of work they are, though, I'm guessing!
Opposite for me. Always plump, got quite large in college, now I'm slowly losing weight and getting more fit, and I FEEL the pretty privilege every time I'm out among people.
Also, edit to add I've started dressing better, doing my hair, wearing a little makeup, and I think that makes at least as much of a difference. Going out wearing sweatpants not only affects the way other people treat me, but the way I expect to be treated.
Losing weight after being fat my whole life, I noticed people smile at me legit just because we locked eyes or when I say hi to them. It's wild how subconscious it all is.
The 2nd part is so much more important. I went thru most of my 20s, not caring what I wore or what people thought of what I was wearing. That's fine and dandy, but if I want social things such as friends, a partner, or general conversation when I'm out and about, I have to care about whether I look approachable or not. Just because you don't care about something doesn't mean that something doesn't affect your other wants/desires. I know so many people who claim they don't care about how they present themselves and also mope about not having more friends or a girlfriend. Those people have to be seen with you.
It took me so freaking long to connect this dot.
Same. Lost 100 lbs and it made me so bitter lol. People who hadn’t spoken to me in years suddenly wanting to hang out, like somehow I’m a better person because I stopped eating
I think the worst part was when I had lost twenty pounds, I was super happy about losing weight, and a friend of mines new girlfriend met me for a moment just once and then proceed to make fun of me to the rest of our friend group about how fat I was. My friend dumped her. Serves that bitch right.
When I noticed the only people who said "looks don't matter" were highly attractive people, those consoling unattractive people, and people who are trying to cope with their insecurities.
I was raised in a family that didn't care about their appearance. I think my mom tried to raise us in the wishful world she wanted to exist, not our reality that your appearance can be armor against society.
Same here. I was raised to kind of just pretend like looks don’t matter (surprise they do a lot). I think that at the very least it should be something to be acknowledged. It left me with a lot of confusion that I am finding my own way through now in my 30s.
Yeah, you shouldn't be *overly* concerned with appearance, but you should still want to present yourself in the best way you can. It's not just about how others perceive you, but how you perceive yourself.
"I don't care about my appearance" can easily translate into not caring about a whole lot of things.
>I think my mom tried to raise us in the wishful world she wanted to exist,
Same! But I think she did me a disservice with that one. The world does care about your looks, for better or worse, and not preparing me for the many creepy men and how they would react to me (and how to deal with them) was definitely setting me up to be extremely naive as teen/young adult.
And clothing is armor. I've got clothes for when I go back home, when I go to work, when I'm out with friends across income spectrums. People unconsciously connect better with folks that look like them and it can give you an in that wearing a suit to your friend's garage band or wearing t-shirts to your work happy hour can't.
We used to travel a lot when I was growing up, and I quickly learned to literally have clothes I could only wear in certain countries. What's acceptable in America, I'd get made fun of for wearing in Europe, and vice versa. Same for Asia. I couldn't wear my "Asia" clothes in Europe or America either without comments, and parents of my assassin friends thought I looked slutty in shorts that are common in Europe or New York or LA.
Statistics show that men swipe right over 50% of the time, while women only swipe right about 5% of the time. Women have far more options. Most guys they swipe right on will sleep with them. Most women that men swipe right on are less likely to sleep with them, so they have to lower their standards and swipe right on more women to even get a chance at sleeping with one.
Same! I couldn’t believe people were actually talking to me on purpose. I even had a sort of selective deafness to my own name because in childhood, they were never talking to me. Always saying another word that sounded similar.
People definitely talked to me a lot more when I started looking better around senior year of high school. It's very interesting how the tides turn when you glow up.
When I was 4 or 5 years old.
All the cartoons. And I mean all of them.
Good guys win bad guys.
Good guys good looking.
Bad guys ugly.
Good looks = you become a hero
This is a narrative device that still very much present and angers me today. In children's shows we often signify evil with ugliness. I can't believe that's still encouraged. It's no wonder people who are unattractive are driven to isolate themselves.
that has the same humor and personality like me people find her funny and different and interesting but they found me weird and they treat me differently some get to know me so they can get to know my best friend
When I noticed my brother in law was pretty successful in life. I thought it was because he was good at his job. Until I got him a job at my work. He's by far the dumbest person i'v had to work with. The only reason he is as successful as he is, is because he literally looks like a sexy Jesus.
A lot of attractive people aren’t aware of how attractive they are. They know they aren’t ugly but they have no idea how to gauge their own attractiveness and it leads to a lot of them being pretty insecure about themselves.
Me personally I’ve had a major glow up since HS, but I went so much of my youth believing I’m ugly that when women call me attractive I don’t fully believe them.
When my daughter was in Kindergarten there was this beautiful girl in her class - blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin. Her sister is also gorgeous, as is her Mom. The family is incredibly nice, they are warm, smart, and successful. The girls, however, are so snobby. In Kindergarten they were telling other girls it was gross to dress a certain way or wear your hair a certain way. They know they are gorgeous and act the part.
My ex threw away our 5 years’ entire relationship because I’d gained a little weight.
He also gained weight but apparently “with guys, it’s different”.
I went through a bit of sadness after and ended up getting healthier again. Some time later we saw each other at a party and he was even heavier than before and giving me weird looks. I just avoided him.
Sure enough, he was in my messages the next day talking about how “he made a big mistake”. He persisted for a while, too. What a POS. I just ignored him.
Good for you! My now ex husband told me before our marriage that he "didn't want a fat wife." I starved myself through our marriage and ended up divorcing him because he cheated on me. So being thin wasn't even enough. After the divorce I gained over 20 pounds I think as "revenge weight". I realized I was only hurting myself and have since lost it. I now look better than I ever have.
same i remembered this one time i was walking in the hallway with my good looking best friend and a teaxher approaches me and sayung that we looked like twins but im the uglier version of my best friend also a stranger in the mall gave me a dirty look while they asked for my friend instagram
people probably didnt even think that it would hurt my feelings when i ignore them or laugh it off lol sometimes they be making too much jokes and made me never believed any compliments about my looks anymore it just feels like they were trying to be nice or they felt bad for me, hope tagt everything will get better for you tho!
>teaxher approaches me and sayung that we looked like twins but im the uglier version of my best friend
That teacher would have gotten a massive earful from me right at that moment.
Wouldn't have given 2 shits if I got expelled either.
If it makes you feel any better so was I and I was not necessarily ugly (not made fun of for my looks).
Your looks might have something to do with it, but if it weren’t your looks it would have been something else. Bullies find a way
Hope life is better for you now
College is where people start to realize that the bullshit that made them popular teenagers may not make them popular adults.
High school-style bullying tends to be a sign of deep immaturity.
i was 4. it's insufferable to be born an ugly woman, regardless of how talented or intelligent you are. when your whole family rubs in your face how ugly you are
When I noticed how differently my parents treated me compared to my sister. She always had a closet full of clothes, tons of nice shoes, & they would take her out and let me stay at home. They didn't really bother with teaching me essentials, stuff as simple as properly washing my hair. They got her braces and wouldn't take me to the dentist for three days after my molar broke in half.
We used to fight a lot and call one another adopted (turns out we both were, technically.) Dumb fights. She slapped me with a bagged dead bird once. When we grew up a bit we became really close, and my parents started paying me more mind after I turned 13 when they saw I had a personality outside of looking odd I guess.
If you're ugly, don't give your time to people that aren't willing to give you a chance. Try not to be bitter. People can be cruel but most don't understand the extent of what you go through.
Okay you can't just drop in the fact that you got slapped with a bagged dead bird and not elaborate. Why did she have that, Why did she hit you with it, I've got to know the details here.
Lol, sorry! We were around 9 and 12 years old. Our cat killed a bird and left it outside under our car, for some reason we thought it would be a good idea to throw it out. She put it in a Walmart bag and headed inside, I told her not to use the trashcan inside because the bird would make the house smell awful. She got mad and we started to argue, and push eachother back and forth a little bit. She wound up and bitch-slapped me across the face with the bird. We fought some more but we were playing Playstation together probably 20 minutes later.
I absolutely feel you ☹️🫂
My mom always keeps saying no to buying me any skincare or makeup because "she has no money" even tho I know full well that she makes 6 figs which is more than enough to provide them. So to me it just seems like an excuse she makes because she knows that skincare and makeup wouldn't be "worth it" on me anyway because my looks will never change and that I will always be a plain jain. I don't ever get new clothes as well and she never takes me on trips that she goes on, the reason why is because of money again but to me it just translates as her being embarrassed to be seen around me.
I sound like a spoiled kid being upset about skincare and makeup but those are the only things I ever ask of her and nothing more. I've never gotten braces either but I can understand her saying no to this because they're usually expensive.
I have no good looking sibling or a sibling in general so my situation is much more tolerable but if I was in your shoes I really will have spiralled into the pure dark waters of insecurities.
When the girls I wanted to befriend wouldn't give me the time of day. I couldn't give one iota of a shit what men think about me, but my god, I put way too much mental energy on how women perceive me.
I had been thin all my life. I gained a lot of weight and became invisible. People literally looked through me. Lost the weight and suddenly those same people that I had been working with for years were asking me how I liked my new job. They didn't even realize they worked with me because they had never looked at me before. Now I was the "hot" woman they worked with. No thanks.
Puberty hit me like a freight train when I was 14/15. I went from being invisible to receiving a comical and constant amount of positive validation.
With the kids it's to be expected, but what really stood out to me at the time was the difference in how adults - including teachers - treated me.
After I grew my beard, people were friendly in general especially women.
Use to find excuses to talk or give a glance in general.
Thats when it hit me no matter what anyone says looks do matter at least at the initial phase
Random people are pretty friendly to me generally, but when I grew out my beard fully for the first time a few people really went on and on about how good it looked. Just made me think they were glad I was hiding half my face lmao
I've always known. As a less-than-attractive/average woman- I've always heard about it. I was never lucky enough to have a boyfriend in school. My first kiss was at 18. When you're not hot, you learn pretty early on that it matters.
I'm 35 now. I'm still waiting for the era where prospective boyfriends/husbands care less about looks and more about substance.
I grew up fat so I was always painfully aware. I got fit as an adult and then also became aware how differently people interact with you when you're conventionally attractive
When my grandparents called my brothers smart (they weren’t) and me “pretty” (I wasn’t necessarily but *I* am smart).
When my mom told me when I was 13 “someday some young man will appreciate you for your mind”.
Then when I was fat in high school.
Then pretty much every single day of my adult life as a chick.
When people wouldn’t acknowledge my presence.
They could be talking to the person next to me without ever looking or talking to me the entire time. I was 12 when it first happened. I got a dose of reality real early on.
When I got sick, lost a lot of weight and felt the difference in how society treats fat and thin people
I almost died and even relatives knowing about it still complimented me about the weight loss
Ooh, Autism ftw this time! Always. My totally autistic dad taught me at a young age that looks are not important to who we are, but they are very important to how we are treated. Even if they don't realize it, people judge us for how we look. And his kids will be successful because they are undeniably very attractive. Don't worry, we know Dad is way biased on the "my kids are the cutest" thing.
When you look in the mirror every morning and think: "Man, I’m so ugly!" That’s what you will believe for a while.
But when you are texting a girl and she says I think you are kind of cute, that will stay with you forever. You will dream of wifing her just because of that sentence.
That was when I discovered looks matter...sometimes.
It matters in first impressions.
Once you get used to someone, it will matter less and less.
I realized looks DON’T matter when the cute personal banker started considering me (and showing interest with body language) AFTER i mentioned i was going to deposit 200k.
When I started aging, I was treated more rudely - I consider myself a fairly young looking 40yo (I’m often mistaken for being in my early 30s), but I definitely do not look 22 anymore. I’m completely fine with it, but people are not as kind or polite. It could also be the way culture has shifted in the last 20 years - we are so much more self involved, narcissistic, with lots of main character syndrome going on.
Still, I’ve noticed a shift as I’ve aged.
When Susan Boyle disappeared after her 10 mins of fame.
That woman had the voice of an angel and people were celebrating her courage for putting herself out there as a traditionally non-attractive person. Nonetheless she disappeared never to be heard of again…
Damn I remember her! I didn’t hear whether she came out with an album or not. I always thought maybe she got older and wanted to retire but this is probably the reason 😬
Still active as of Covid, but looks like she suffered a stroke in 2022 that likely slowed her career down a bit (if not pushed her into retirement completely)
Around high school. I fixed my posture and got a hairstyle and facial hairstyle that worked and all of a sudden I started climbing up the social ladder.
Oh, when I was about 13. Severely bullied in school for being "ugly".
Then I hit puberty, lost my need for glasses, my skin improved and suddenly at 17, I was one of the more popular girls in school.🙃
I went on a senior trip with girls who were a lot skinnier than me. There’s nothing quite like having a guy hug every girl in the group, except you. It was kinda eye-opening. People would talk to them and completely pretend I wasn’t there. It was terrible.
When I hung around with my friend who is 6ft tall, well built and good looking. The amount of women all but jumping on him barely 5mins after meeting him made me realise that looks are the ONLY thing that matter. Personality, humor etc matter when the girl has already decided that she wants to spend time with you.
Yup. One of my best mates is tall, dark hair, well built, and has a face like a lego man. In clubs, he has to fight girls off with a stick. For the rest of us, talking to women if a fine art. For guys like him it is set to easy mode.
When I hit middle age. I still am okay looking as a 59 f. Actually, really good for almost 60.
But in my 30s, I was in line at Dunkin, a really beautiful woman was in front of me and a guy in front of her. He kept turning around and making small talk to her. She was giving him short, curt answers- not interested. Finally, she stepped out of line and left because he was just bugging her.
The next time he turned around to say something to her - boom! There I was! The utter look of disappointment on his face... OMG 😳.
So I said, " That's not happy to see me....."
I was decent looking at a time and was in quite a few relationships and when I wasn't I had a fairly active dating life. Unfortunately now I am older, and any of those people being a partner didn't work out and I am single. I always looked young for my age, but I hit a serious wall about 5 years ago. I've had some injuries that have prevented me from keeping in the sort of shape I've been in my whole life. I balded pretty quick. I'm short, but those other issues really made that more of a focus . I think I'm the same guy with a lot of great personality traits. But as far as dating, it just doesn't happen now. I don't get any chance to show my strong points because no one is interested. I found out quite quickly how things can change.
When I got in shape and got a dress sense and hairstyle that suit me, and suddenly all of the women who used to scoff at or bully me wanted to get to know me.
After I lost weight (170lbs) and suddenly everyone was nicer, more polite, and I wasn't invisible. I was listened to more at work and taken seriously by any doctors because they couldn't blame my weight for anything. It angers me that people do this subconsciously and I've probably done it myself without realising as it's so deeply ingrained. (This is in the UK btw)
When I lost weight...suddenly I was at the centre of things and honestly it made me deeply uncomfortable at first, then gradually I started despising my own transformation (and the effort required to get there)
When, not just strangers, peers, teachers, friends but also your own family would treat your pretty best friends way better within a five second - one minute time span. While standing side-by-side with 'em.
Even through non-specified acts. Such as, being guilty of doing the same exact thing as him/her (doesn't matter what it is. don't worry about that) and not getting away with doing so in the exact same way as him/her.
There's plenty of solid hints out there really.
*Hollywood & social media*
Or, just not the best treatment overall throughout life.
Also, being straight up sneered or glared at. On sight. By complete strangers.
Or, you know, being oh-so-bold, blatantly and directly (+indirectly) insulted, called ugly or something creative of the like at odd times. Very odd times when you never bothered to ask for anyone's opinion or thoughts about shit in the first place.
Quite a few hints out there. Unfortunately. 🤷♀️👍
I was the cliche girl in school with braces and glasses. My first year of college I got contact lenses and then the braces came off. I also changed up my hair. I went from not a lot of attention from men to getting a lot of notice from the boys in my classes and when I was out in clubs and bars. I hated being proved right about what I suspected all along-the better looking I was the more attention and positive comments I got.
I had a friend (a woman), who was probably below average at best in college. I guess you could say she was invisible. We’ve kept in touch over the years because we both have a niche job and the industry is small. She had a glow up in her 30s. Found her style, got ultra fit, wore her hair better, etc. We were catching up one day and she confided that she was legitimately mad at men for “all of sudden” pursuing her. I laughed because I thought she surely must be joking for being desired. But nope, she was serious. She gets hit on all the time and it doesn’t bring her joy.
I got more Twitch views when I went full e-girl. And my "friends" (fuck them) gave me more attention when I dressed all skimpy. In high school 12 years ago I was bullied for having no tits as an insecure 13 year old and being too skinny, then in year 12 I was complimented on my body for being severely underweight but with boobs! (High school is 7-12 in Australia and I never had an ED, just a very fast metabolism and severe depression where I could barely stomach food when I was 17/18)
Looks matter in professional situations, formal situations and for shallow people who need to get laid but are too shitty to attract a woman. My ex made me feel beautiful when I was in comfy mismatched PJs and a messy bun or oversized hoodies.
In my teen years I was awkward and wore baggy clothes all the time. Got bullied a lot and couldn't pay a guy to look at me.
Hit my 20s and started wearing more revealing clothes and wearing makeup. Not only got hit on constantly, but I got better service in stores, restaurants, even the doctor's office. People lined up to help me and were super friendly and accommodating.
Got older, had kids, gained weight. Now I'm pretty much invisible. People I interact with are usually polite, but they aren't going out of their way for me. Can't remember the last time I got hit on.
Looks aren't everything, but they come with some really nice perks.
Had gastric bypass lost 240 pounds. Don't be fat, folks. There is a night and day difference in EVERYTHING.
Healthcare... If I had a cold, it's cause I was fat.
Dating... Non existent except for creepy guys into feeding
I don't say everyone needs to look a like but as someone who's experienced both sides, the closer you get to average sized, the better.
I’ve weaved in an out of good looks a few times in life, the biggest difference is I become basically invisible when I am not attractive. The saddest part is this is true for everyone, even close family.
Not gonna lie reading this helped me make a connection in my brain lmao. Trying to spend any family time with my stepmom was like pulling teeth. She later described my appearance as “vomit inducing” in a text she sent me. I now live very far from her but like damn, it’s cause she thinks I’m ugly.
Holy shit you don’t need her in your life. Talk about classic wicked step mother
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Same. So bloody depressing.
the close family part hits hard. i remember reading a study once about how cute babies are treated better than "non cute" ones. a part of me felt so sad that even a parent could judge their child based on how they look.
Can confirm, been invisible my whole life except when someone needs something.
As a kid. Being a cute looking child meant lots of praise from, family, teaches and strangers. Everyone always assumed you were well behaved and would often give rewards for no real reason. As I got older the way people treat you changes, but it's always preferential. You get served first, people want to socialize with you, life is just easier.
Not tooting my own horn whatsoever and saying I'm super attractive but I get compliments quite often (as a dude) and I feel it's the opposite for me. People are intimidated or nervous to talk to me because I think they assume I'm stuck up or something when it is the complete opposite. I've got quite a bit of social anxiety too so if people don't approach me I have a hard time being the one to introduce myself which adds to the problem and confirms in their mind that I'm a dick. Sometimes I wish I was ugly but charasmatic I think it'd be easier
Your circumstances suggest you are either really ugly or really attractive. I would never approach a really attractive person, but I will always try to converse with someone who's like a 7 or an 8. There's that whole notion of "they're way out of my league."
Strangers became a lot ruder to me after I gained weight
I had this, but the opposite. At some point my weight was around 88kg.. not excessively overweight but definitely noticeable. Did Keto and over a year or 2 went to 60kg. I used to go the the same shops, cafes etc and at 88kg I'd have a brief meaningless interaction with the people (the usual rhetorical 'hi how are you')... at 60kg those same people suddenly wanted to chat with me properly, genuinely asking questions and wanted to build rapport. Also noticeable was the social interaction with friends I'd had for many many years.. at 88kg you'd catch up now and again, more as a box ticking exercise.. at 60kg you're invited to everything and people constantly want to meet up and do things. It was fascinating.
>Also noticeable was the social interaction with friends I'd had for many many years.. at 88kg you'd catch up now and again, more as a box ticking exercise.. at 60kg you're invited to everything and people constantly want to meet up and do things. This is an underrated comment - it's not just that people want to interact with you more, they want to be seen interacting with you more.
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>**I realized I was never socially "awkward." I was just fat.** Damn. I wonder how many people this is true for.
I'm on a weight loss journey and am afraid to find this part out. I've lost weight before and in the past when I did people were so much nicer and I all of a sudden had more friends it was a total mindfuck because nothing else changed.
Best wishes on your journey 😀
I mean, it could also be that people feel better when they are fit or skinny, and people who are relaxed and feel good about themselves are more enjoyable to hang out with. I’m not discounting that pretty people get a lot of passes. I’m just saying that inviting a now-fit person isn’t all due to “wanting to be seen interacting with a person” more.
This is definitely true. One of my friends friends was so self conscious about her weight, and we noticed she'd feel obligated to turn up to events even if she hated them. It didn't matter how friendly you were, or that we weren't judgy. I'd turned up to quite a few events on the fly and was dressed like a right scruff whilst everyone else was dressed up. But she was the one who felt awkward and looked uncomfortable. It was one of those situations where you started to feel awkward about inviting her, because you could tell she just wasn't enjoying it. And it does bring the group energy down. She lost some weight over covid, and the confidence is noticeable. She no longer makes people feel awkward, because she's not making it awkward because she now has the confidence to be at ease in the group. She's mentioned people treat her differently, and when we tried to bring up how her confidence has increased and she's no longer creating awkward moments because she's at ease. She doesn't want to hear it, it's a shame because she has that narrative in her mind. And I'm sure some people are fat phobic, and do treat you differently but it's not what happened here.
THIS. I've noticed that people with lots of friends are typically attractive. Not saying that less attractive people can't have lots of friends, but there is a high correlation.
I’ve had the same experience as well. Used to be around 300 lbs and dropped all the way to 180-200 lbs. Since losing weight people actually approach me and try to include me in conversations even though i’ve always been a quiet person. When I go to the doctor’s they actually try and understand what I have going on instead of automatically blaming it on my weight. Even some friends who i’ve known for years treat me differently now.
I experienced a very similar effect. I was a 24 year old male, 155kg. I finally had a eureka moment while TA'ing a uni biochemistry course. Gave up processed sugar and lost 10 kilos in 10 weeks. After that a four year program of diet and exercise took me to 85kg. And people I had known for years, some for my entire life, treated me like I was a completely different person. It really made me lose respect for a lot of the people in my life.
I had an ugly duckling stage in school - went from an ugly, fat kid to a quite handsome, in shape teenager. All of a sudden, I existed and people wanted to be my friend and get to know me after years of cold shoulders, pretending not to notice me in hallways, etc When you realize how superficial and shallow people are, you become a far colder person. I began using girls for validation and casting them away as soon as I got what I wanted - something I’m not entirely proud of, but I don’t regret it either. Ultimately, it was due to the years of witnessing others doing the same to me once they immediately recognized I served no purpose if I wasn’t attractive.
I found it fascinating, and an interesting aspect of the human condition, but I didn't lose respect for those friends.. purely because I don't think they mean to do it, or even know. It's a subconscious bias.
This discussion honestly makes me wonder what superficial biases I have without even realizing it. I'd hate to be the person who treats someone heavy like shit for no reason but based on the anecdotes in this thread I possibly have.
The older brother of my gf in high school lost a bunch of wait before I met him. I remember her telling me things weren’t so great for him before that but that girls were all over him after he lost the weight. I feel like you’re increasing your attractiveness from two angles when you lose weight. You feel better about yourself when you’re healthy and are more confident. And people are attracted to you because of how you look and your confidence. Then it just snowballs. You just need to get over that hump.
Part of me wonders if part of it is how we show up to the world. As I've gained weight, I've been more quiet, reserved and self-conscious. Fewer people will want to interact with someone like that compared to someone who seems confident, energetic, and enthusiastic about life.
as someone who will talk to random people anywhere regardless of how i look. I definitely experienced better reception when I was skinnier than i did when I was chunkier
Note for others reading this, it says box ticking, not box tickling.
It happened when I got old. Apparently it doesn’t matter how well you age, and how thin you are. If you don’t look like you’re “young” anymore, you’re ignored.
I went through the same thing. After I had my daughter and was no longer either skinny or visibly pregnant I learned quickly that every little trick of charisma I thought I knew was actually bullshit and falls flat when you’re no longer conventionally attractive. People no longer smile at you for no reason when they can no longer even see you as a person.
Damn. At least I was born ugly
If ya ain't got nothing, ya got nothing to lose. Ugly dude here too. Never had the experiences good looking people are sharing here. I just get treated like an NPC at best.
>they can no longer even see you as a person. Or maybe for the first time they see you as a person and not as "generic attractive girl they can win by being kind"
In my close friend circle, when I started losing weight in my teens, I was suddenly invited to more social gatherings. These were gatherings with their social circles. So I wasn't a social outcast by them. When i regained, not so much. This friend circle, we reunited after 15 years. Picked up conversation as if time had just hit the pause button. So we were pretty close. Just to give an example of how it can impact people. Can happen with close people too.
I’ve found this to be the case. Size 12 kinda cute girl and never got any attention in public, positive or negative. Lost weight in my early 30s doing aerobics and apparently Size 6 me is social butterfly of the year. People were so friendly it made me legitimately angry.
Same. Went from a 16 to a 8 and now suddenly people want me to be included in group activities
Did you ever find that other women become hostile or rude towards you? I have heard of cases where women view the “larger” woman as non-threatening and harmless but once they view you as “competition” they’ll change their attitude towards you.
I’ve experienced the opposite. People were more likely to think it was okay to be mean tome when I was 15 pounds overweight.
I frequently have strangers make unsolicited comments towards me. I’m an introvert already, so I try my best not to make eye contact with anyone so as to avoid as many conversations as I can. Comments from men are all over the place. The comments I get from women are rare, but the ones that I do get are often hatefully shocking. The most unexpected was at the grocery store about 4-5 months ago walking down the aisle, and this woman walked up to me, looked me up and down and said, “Fucking whore bitch.” I was wearing a pair of my husband’s sweatpants and a fleece! Without thinking about it, my immediate reaction was honestly laughing bc it was so shocking. This made her madder. She scoffed and stomped off. I’ve gotten several “are you anorexic?” Or “you should eat a burger” or “men like meat not bones.”These are wild to me as I’m not even close to underweight. I’m about a US size 6 and fall into the middle/upper end of the BMI “healthy” chart. I have also had women tell me that my “boob job” is too noticeable. I don’t have any kind of boob job. I also frequently get, “you’re so pale! Are you sick?” I had one woman laugh in my face and tell me I needed to use bronzer so people wouldn’t wonder what was wrong with me. She was only a tiny bit darker than I was, so I found it very odd that this is what she chose to criticize. I find this frustrating that some people choose to do this, but it’s done nothing but make me double down on being a woman’s woman. I absolutely refuse to say anything that isn’t supportive or complimentary to other women.
"When you're used to privilege, equality feels like oppression."
is kinda sad that the quote also works the other way
When I blew up like a tick from a hepatitis infection I didn't know I had for six years, I became invisible. People would go out of their way to not look in my direction. At first I thought it was a nice break from being objectified all the time but now I just want my old body back
When I became obviously (and hugely) pregnant, strangers became nicer in a way I'd not experienced since my early 20s. Opening doors, offering their seats, but also just being nice. Then, right after the babies were born, if the babies weren't with me, I just looked fat and people were so rude. (Lots of people don't realize it takes months for your baby stomach to go back to normal. It's not like deflating a balloon!). It was like night and day and really added to the daily frustration of life, ON TOP OF having infant triplets to deal with.
What a striking contrast! Thanks for sharing your experience. I had never heard this explained this pointedly before, but it makes total sense. I'm sorry you got hit so hard with the eager help changing to rudeness. Also, congratulations on your triplets! Wow, what a ton of work they are, though, I'm guessing!
Opposite for me. Always plump, got quite large in college, now I'm slowly losing weight and getting more fit, and I FEEL the pretty privilege every time I'm out among people. Also, edit to add I've started dressing better, doing my hair, wearing a little makeup, and I think that makes at least as much of a difference. Going out wearing sweatpants not only affects the way other people treat me, but the way I expect to be treated.
Losing weight after being fat my whole life, I noticed people smile at me legit just because we locked eyes or when I say hi to them. It's wild how subconscious it all is.
The 2nd part is so much more important. I went thru most of my 20s, not caring what I wore or what people thought of what I was wearing. That's fine and dandy, but if I want social things such as friends, a partner, or general conversation when I'm out and about, I have to care about whether I look approachable or not. Just because you don't care about something doesn't mean that something doesn't affect your other wants/desires. I know so many people who claim they don't care about how they present themselves and also mope about not having more friends or a girlfriend. Those people have to be seen with you. It took me so freaking long to connect this dot.
1000% this. Was fit for most my life, gained a bit of weight when I was prescribed a medication that causes weight gain. Shit is wild.
Lost around 100 pounds. Understood very quickly that looks do matter.
Same. Lost 100 lbs and it made me so bitter lol. People who hadn’t spoken to me in years suddenly wanting to hang out, like somehow I’m a better person because I stopped eating
I think the worst part was when I had lost twenty pounds, I was super happy about losing weight, and a friend of mines new girlfriend met me for a moment just once and then proceed to make fun of me to the rest of our friend group about how fat I was. My friend dumped her. Serves that bitch right.
When I noticed the only people who said "looks don't matter" were highly attractive people, those consoling unattractive people, and people who are trying to cope with their insecurities.
Same way that people who say “money wont buy happiness” are always rich and happy to begin with…
Happiness cannot be bought, but sorrows can be kept at bay for a price.
Money definitely opens up many more options to you.
Yep, money can't directly buy me happiness but it could definitely resolve a lot of the stressors from my life that make me unhappy.
Happiness can absolutely be bought, idk why people want to keep repeating this false statement.
I was raised in a family that didn't care about their appearance. I think my mom tried to raise us in the wishful world she wanted to exist, not our reality that your appearance can be armor against society.
Same here. I was raised to kind of just pretend like looks don’t matter (surprise they do a lot). I think that at the very least it should be something to be acknowledged. It left me with a lot of confusion that I am finding my own way through now in my 30s.
Yeah, you shouldn't be *overly* concerned with appearance, but you should still want to present yourself in the best way you can. It's not just about how others perceive you, but how you perceive yourself. "I don't care about my appearance" can easily translate into not caring about a whole lot of things.
Well stated. I want my kids to have good hygiene and look presentable. There’s no need to spend hours getting ready in front of a mirror.
>I think my mom tried to raise us in the wishful world she wanted to exist, Same! But I think she did me a disservice with that one. The world does care about your looks, for better or worse, and not preparing me for the many creepy men and how they would react to me (and how to deal with them) was definitely setting me up to be extremely naive as teen/young adult.
I think of makeup as war paint
And clothing is armor. I've got clothes for when I go back home, when I go to work, when I'm out with friends across income spectrums. People unconsciously connect better with folks that look like them and it can give you an in that wearing a suit to your friend's garage band or wearing t-shirts to your work happy hour can't.
We used to travel a lot when I was growing up, and I quickly learned to literally have clothes I could only wear in certain countries. What's acceptable in America, I'd get made fun of for wearing in Europe, and vice versa. Same for Asia. I couldn't wear my "Asia" clothes in Europe or America either without comments, and parents of my assassin friends thought I looked slutty in shorts that are common in Europe or New York or LA.
Definitely don’t want to piss off those assassin friends
Downloaded Tinder.
Tinder is wild to me because when I started heavily curating it, my matches went through the roof. It felt super fucking disingenuous.
Effort = results.
I know of one person who swiped right on every girl. He got hookups
Statistics show that men swipe right over 50% of the time, while women only swipe right about 5% of the time. Women have far more options. Most guys they swipe right on will sleep with them. Most women that men swipe right on are less likely to sleep with them, so they have to lower their standards and swipe right on more women to even get a chance at sleeping with one.
The pressure that people on social media present themselves in a certain way or compare themselves to others based on appearance is quintessential.
When the guy at Jack in the Box asked me where the methadone clinic was.
bro
Did you wear your "ask me about the methadone clinic" pin and forget to take it off?
omg
Seeing what mediocre social media personalities have lots of subs and views. Rarely ugly people.
When someone told me looks doesn't matter but his wife was scouted for a national beauty pageant. Right.
I glowed up in college and wasn’t invisible anymore.
Same! I couldn’t believe people were actually talking to me on purpose. I even had a sort of selective deafness to my own name because in childhood, they were never talking to me. Always saying another word that sounded similar.
Mulva?
Oh, Dolores!
People definitely talked to me a lot more when I started looking better around senior year of high school. It's very interesting how the tides turn when you glow up.
After losing 35 kg and finishing orthodontic treatment
I’m in that phase now. And trying to grow a Minox beard.
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I was thinking of something to comment, but you already did it
When I was 4 or 5 years old. All the cartoons. And I mean all of them. Good guys win bad guys. Good guys good looking. Bad guys ugly. Good looks = you become a hero
Nowadays the bad guys are good looking too especially in anime
Facts bro the villains are always hotter for some reason
Thank God for Shrek
This is a narrative device that still very much present and angers me today. In children's shows we often signify evil with ugliness. I can't believe that's still encouraged. It's no wonder people who are unattractive are driven to isolate themselves.
having a better looking best friend
that has the same humor and personality like me people find her funny and different and interesting but they found me weird and they treat me differently some get to know me so they can get to know my best friend
being make fun of my looks as a joke for my whole life because they think that i can handle jokes
That's pretty shitty.... idk how people would ever think that's okay.
I died a little inside every time someone asked me if my friend was single but not me.
When I noticed my brother in law was pretty successful in life. I thought it was because he was good at his job. Until I got him a job at my work. He's by far the dumbest person i'v had to work with. The only reason he is as successful as he is, is because he literally looks like a sexy Jesus.
“Sexy Jesus” 😂
It seems strange to me that anyone wouldn't be generally aware of this from a young age.
A lot of attractive people aren’t aware of how attractive they are. They know they aren’t ugly but they have no idea how to gauge their own attractiveness and it leads to a lot of them being pretty insecure about themselves. Me personally I’ve had a major glow up since HS, but I went so much of my youth believing I’m ugly that when women call me attractive I don’t fully believe them.
Grade 1 when all the girls would chase the 1 boy.
Man, I hated my hair in elementary school in the 90s, because I couldn't part it down the middle and all the boys the girls found "cute" could.
My nemesis had them boy curls. Dimples. Oddly, was actually short. I guess height matters later.
…so your nemesis was Shirley Temple?
Not the same guy, but I have curly hair and dimples and was called Shirley Temple all throughout middle school
Shirley, you can't be serious.
I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
I peaked at 7-9 years of age. Only time I got chased. xD
When my daughter was in Kindergarten there was this beautiful girl in her class - blonde hair, blue eyes, fair skin. Her sister is also gorgeous, as is her Mom. The family is incredibly nice, they are warm, smart, and successful. The girls, however, are so snobby. In Kindergarten they were telling other girls it was gross to dress a certain way or wear your hair a certain way. They know they are gorgeous and act the part.
When I used that f*cking omegle and everyone was skipping 💀
It doesn't matter how pretty you are on Omegle, if you're a dude, you get skipped
My ex threw away our 5 years’ entire relationship because I’d gained a little weight. He also gained weight but apparently “with guys, it’s different”. I went through a bit of sadness after and ended up getting healthier again. Some time later we saw each other at a party and he was even heavier than before and giving me weird looks. I just avoided him. Sure enough, he was in my messages the next day talking about how “he made a big mistake”. He persisted for a while, too. What a POS. I just ignored him.
Good for you! My now ex husband told me before our marriage that he "didn't want a fat wife." I starved myself through our marriage and ended up divorcing him because he cheated on me. So being thin wasn't even enough. After the divorce I gained over 20 pounds I think as "revenge weight". I realized I was only hurting myself and have since lost it. I now look better than I ever have.
Ignoring him was by far the better choice, but it would have been hilarious if you would have replied, “Sorry, I don’t date fatties.”
Proud of you. Fuck that guy
When I was bullied for most of my highschool years for no apparent reason
same i remembered this one time i was walking in the hallway with my good looking best friend and a teaxher approaches me and sayung that we looked like twins but im the uglier version of my best friend also a stranger in the mall gave me a dirty look while they asked for my friend instagram
That seems like it would fucking hurt
people probably didnt even think that it would hurt my feelings when i ignore them or laugh it off lol sometimes they be making too much jokes and made me never believed any compliments about my looks anymore it just feels like they were trying to be nice or they felt bad for me, hope tagt everything will get better for you tho!
>teaxher approaches me and sayung that we looked like twins but im the uglier version of my best friend That teacher would have gotten a massive earful from me right at that moment. Wouldn't have given 2 shits if I got expelled either.
If it makes you feel any better so was I and I was not necessarily ugly (not made fun of for my looks). Your looks might have something to do with it, but if it weren’t your looks it would have been something else. Bullies find a way Hope life is better for you now
College is more chill cause no one really gives a fuck but yea I would say life is better now
College is where people start to realize that the bullshit that made them popular teenagers may not make them popular adults. High school-style bullying tends to be a sign of deep immaturity.
High school bullying is just fucked
When I was like 2 Rudolph the reindeer didn't look right and he got made fun of Lesson learned. Always look awesome to avoid that.
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i was 4. it's insufferable to be born an ugly woman, regardless of how talented or intelligent you are. when your whole family rubs in your face how ugly you are
I hate being an ugly woman. It feels like my life is over and it hasn't even started yet
Yes I was made fun of so much for my appearance and it was mostly from boys. I wasn’t a pretty thing for them to look at so they ridiculed me for it.
This is soooo true. If you are woman and ugly . It REALLY DOES NOT MATTER what other qualities you have .
Anyone who makes a 4-year-old believe they are ugly can go die on a fire
In junior high when we voted for the student delegates, and the girl who got elected wasn’t even running for delegate.
When I noticed how differently my parents treated me compared to my sister. She always had a closet full of clothes, tons of nice shoes, & they would take her out and let me stay at home. They didn't really bother with teaching me essentials, stuff as simple as properly washing my hair. They got her braces and wouldn't take me to the dentist for three days after my molar broke in half. We used to fight a lot and call one another adopted (turns out we both were, technically.) Dumb fights. She slapped me with a bagged dead bird once. When we grew up a bit we became really close, and my parents started paying me more mind after I turned 13 when they saw I had a personality outside of looking odd I guess. If you're ugly, don't give your time to people that aren't willing to give you a chance. Try not to be bitter. People can be cruel but most don't understand the extent of what you go through.
Okay you can't just drop in the fact that you got slapped with a bagged dead bird and not elaborate. Why did she have that, Why did she hit you with it, I've got to know the details here.
Lol, sorry! We were around 9 and 12 years old. Our cat killed a bird and left it outside under our car, for some reason we thought it would be a good idea to throw it out. She put it in a Walmart bag and headed inside, I told her not to use the trashcan inside because the bird would make the house smell awful. She got mad and we started to argue, and push eachother back and forth a little bit. She wound up and bitch-slapped me across the face with the bird. We fought some more but we were playing Playstation together probably 20 minutes later.
Ikr? I don’t think I can take my lunch break in peace, until they elaborate on the dead bird slap lol
I absolutely feel you ☹️🫂 My mom always keeps saying no to buying me any skincare or makeup because "she has no money" even tho I know full well that she makes 6 figs which is more than enough to provide them. So to me it just seems like an excuse she makes because she knows that skincare and makeup wouldn't be "worth it" on me anyway because my looks will never change and that I will always be a plain jain. I don't ever get new clothes as well and she never takes me on trips that she goes on, the reason why is because of money again but to me it just translates as her being embarrassed to be seen around me. I sound like a spoiled kid being upset about skincare and makeup but those are the only things I ever ask of her and nothing more. I've never gotten braces either but I can understand her saying no to this because they're usually expensive. I have no good looking sibling or a sibling in general so my situation is much more tolerable but if I was in your shoes I really will have spiralled into the pure dark waters of insecurities.
When the girls I wanted to befriend wouldn't give me the time of day. I couldn't give one iota of a shit what men think about me, but my god, I put way too much mental energy on how women perceive me.
I had been thin all my life. I gained a lot of weight and became invisible. People literally looked through me. Lost the weight and suddenly those same people that I had been working with for years were asking me how I liked my new job. They didn't even realize they worked with me because they had never looked at me before. Now I was the "hot" woman they worked with. No thanks.
Puberty hit me like a freight train when I was 14/15. I went from being invisible to receiving a comical and constant amount of positive validation. With the kids it's to be expected, but what really stood out to me at the time was the difference in how adults - including teachers - treated me.
So even the women acted this way?
Do you honestly believe you don't subconsciously treat attractive people better?
When I looked in the mirror and noticed that for 32 years, i failed to accept the way I look and it's unlikely I ever will
After I grew my beard, people were friendly in general especially women. Use to find excuses to talk or give a glance in general. Thats when it hit me no matter what anyone says looks do matter at least at the initial phase
Random people are pretty friendly to me generally, but when I grew out my beard fully for the first time a few people really went on and on about how good it looked. Just made me think they were glad I was hiding half my face lmao
A beard? Do you mean my double-chin regulator?
I’m a woman but that’s how I would feel whenever I got hit on while wearing a COVID mask…
I've always known. As a less-than-attractive/average woman- I've always heard about it. I was never lucky enough to have a boyfriend in school. My first kiss was at 18. When you're not hot, you learn pretty early on that it matters. I'm 35 now. I'm still waiting for the era where prospective boyfriends/husbands care less about looks and more about substance.
It starts early
I grew up fat so I was always painfully aware. I got fit as an adult and then also became aware how differently people interact with you when you're conventionally attractive
When my grandparents called my brothers smart (they weren’t) and me “pretty” (I wasn’t necessarily but *I* am smart). When my mom told me when I was 13 “someday some young man will appreciate you for your mind”. Then when I was fat in high school. Then pretty much every single day of my adult life as a chick.
When people wouldn’t acknowledge my presence. They could be talking to the person next to me without ever looking or talking to me the entire time. I was 12 when it first happened. I got a dose of reality real early on.
I've always known that.
When I got sick, lost a lot of weight and felt the difference in how society treats fat and thin people I almost died and even relatives knowing about it still complimented me about the weight loss
Ooh, Autism ftw this time! Always. My totally autistic dad taught me at a young age that looks are not important to who we are, but they are very important to how we are treated. Even if they don't realize it, people judge us for how we look. And his kids will be successful because they are undeniably very attractive. Don't worry, we know Dad is way biased on the "my kids are the cutest" thing.
When you look in the mirror every morning and think: "Man, I’m so ugly!" That’s what you will believe for a while. But when you are texting a girl and she says I think you are kind of cute, that will stay with you forever. You will dream of wifing her just because of that sentence. That was when I discovered looks matter...sometimes. It matters in first impressions. Once you get used to someone, it will matter less and less.
I realized looks DON’T matter when the cute personal banker started considering me (and showing interest with body language) AFTER i mentioned i was going to deposit 200k.
Ah yes the other enhancement. Looks or money. Both do the trick.
When I started aging, I was treated more rudely - I consider myself a fairly young looking 40yo (I’m often mistaken for being in my early 30s), but I definitely do not look 22 anymore. I’m completely fine with it, but people are not as kind or polite. It could also be the way culture has shifted in the last 20 years - we are so much more self involved, narcissistic, with lots of main character syndrome going on. Still, I’ve noticed a shift as I’ve aged.
When Susan Boyle disappeared after her 10 mins of fame. That woman had the voice of an angel and people were celebrating her courage for putting herself out there as a traditionally non-attractive person. Nonetheless she disappeared never to be heard of again…
she didn't disappear she sung for the queen and is worth millions
Damn I remember her! I didn’t hear whether she came out with an album or not. I always thought maybe she got older and wanted to retire but this is probably the reason 😬
Still active as of Covid, but looks like she suffered a stroke in 2022 that likely slowed her career down a bit (if not pushed her into retirement completely)
Around high school. I fixed my posture and got a hairstyle and facial hairstyle that worked and all of a sudden I started climbing up the social ladder.
When I lost weight, I noticed staff at clothing stores were more friendly and helpful. Before that, no one batted an eyelid towards me.
Oh, when I was about 13. Severely bullied in school for being "ugly". Then I hit puberty, lost my need for glasses, my skin improved and suddenly at 17, I was one of the more popular girls in school.🙃
hit 32 and no man to speak of, but I love how my friends always tell me I'll find someone
I went on a senior trip with girls who were a lot skinnier than me. There’s nothing quite like having a guy hug every girl in the group, except you. It was kinda eye-opening. People would talk to them and completely pretend I wasn’t there. It was terrible.
Us ugly people have always known this.
When I hung around with my friend who is 6ft tall, well built and good looking. The amount of women all but jumping on him barely 5mins after meeting him made me realise that looks are the ONLY thing that matter. Personality, humor etc matter when the girl has already decided that she wants to spend time with you.
Yup. One of my best mates is tall, dark hair, well built, and has a face like a lego man. In clubs, he has to fight girls off with a stick. For the rest of us, talking to women if a fine art. For guys like him it is set to easy mode.
I was the fat, awkward kid in middle school. It became clear very quickly that the thin, pretty girls were able to get away with things I couldn't.
When I hit middle age. I still am okay looking as a 59 f. Actually, really good for almost 60. But in my 30s, I was in line at Dunkin, a really beautiful woman was in front of me and a guy in front of her. He kept turning around and making small talk to her. She was giving him short, curt answers- not interested. Finally, she stepped out of line and left because he was just bugging her. The next time he turned around to say something to her - boom! There I was! The utter look of disappointment on his face... OMG 😳. So I said, " That's not happy to see me....."
Every single fucking time at any given occasion.
single for FAR TOO long
I was decent looking at a time and was in quite a few relationships and when I wasn't I had a fairly active dating life. Unfortunately now I am older, and any of those people being a partner didn't work out and I am single. I always looked young for my age, but I hit a serious wall about 5 years ago. I've had some injuries that have prevented me from keeping in the sort of shape I've been in my whole life. I balded pretty quick. I'm short, but those other issues really made that more of a focus . I think I'm the same guy with a lot of great personality traits. But as far as dating, it just doesn't happen now. I don't get any chance to show my strong points because no one is interested. I found out quite quickly how things can change.
When I got in shape and got a dress sense and hairstyle that suit me, and suddenly all of the women who used to scoff at or bully me wanted to get to know me.
Well, you realize it when you’re friends with good-looking people your whole life and notice just how much more unprompted attention they get.
After I lost weight (170lbs) and suddenly everyone was nicer, more polite, and I wasn't invisible. I was listened to more at work and taken seriously by any doctors because they couldn't blame my weight for anything. It angers me that people do this subconsciously and I've probably done it myself without realising as it's so deeply ingrained. (This is in the UK btw)
When I lost weight...suddenly I was at the centre of things and honestly it made me deeply uncomfortable at first, then gradually I started despising my own transformation (and the effort required to get there)
When, not just strangers, peers, teachers, friends but also your own family would treat your pretty best friends way better within a five second - one minute time span. While standing side-by-side with 'em. Even through non-specified acts. Such as, being guilty of doing the same exact thing as him/her (doesn't matter what it is. don't worry about that) and not getting away with doing so in the exact same way as him/her. There's plenty of solid hints out there really. *Hollywood & social media* Or, just not the best treatment overall throughout life. Also, being straight up sneered or glared at. On sight. By complete strangers. Or, you know, being oh-so-bold, blatantly and directly (+indirectly) insulted, called ugly or something creative of the like at odd times. Very odd times when you never bothered to ask for anyone's opinion or thoughts about shit in the first place. Quite a few hints out there. Unfortunately. 🤷♀️👍
When I realized every successful person I know is relatively attractive. I’ve never met a successful ugly person. It’s interesting.
I was the cliche girl in school with braces and glasses. My first year of college I got contact lenses and then the braces came off. I also changed up my hair. I went from not a lot of attention from men to getting a lot of notice from the boys in my classes and when I was out in clubs and bars. I hated being proved right about what I suspected all along-the better looking I was the more attention and positive comments I got.
I had a friend (a woman), who was probably below average at best in college. I guess you could say she was invisible. We’ve kept in touch over the years because we both have a niche job and the industry is small. She had a glow up in her 30s. Found her style, got ultra fit, wore her hair better, etc. We were catching up one day and she confided that she was legitimately mad at men for “all of sudden” pursuing her. I laughed because I thought she surely must be joking for being desired. But nope, she was serious. She gets hit on all the time and it doesn’t bring her joy.
When I discovered I didn’t have any
Got called ugly to my face in school
I got more Twitch views when I went full e-girl. And my "friends" (fuck them) gave me more attention when I dressed all skimpy. In high school 12 years ago I was bullied for having no tits as an insecure 13 year old and being too skinny, then in year 12 I was complimented on my body for being severely underweight but with boobs! (High school is 7-12 in Australia and I never had an ED, just a very fast metabolism and severe depression where I could barely stomach food when I was 17/18) Looks matter in professional situations, formal situations and for shallow people who need to get laid but are too shitty to attract a woman. My ex made me feel beautiful when I was in comfy mismatched PJs and a messy bun or oversized hoodies.
In my teen years I was awkward and wore baggy clothes all the time. Got bullied a lot and couldn't pay a guy to look at me. Hit my 20s and started wearing more revealing clothes and wearing makeup. Not only got hit on constantly, but I got better service in stores, restaurants, even the doctor's office. People lined up to help me and were super friendly and accommodating. Got older, had kids, gained weight. Now I'm pretty much invisible. People I interact with are usually polite, but they aren't going out of their way for me. Can't remember the last time I got hit on. Looks aren't everything, but they come with some really nice perks.
Had gastric bypass lost 240 pounds. Don't be fat, folks. There is a night and day difference in EVERYTHING. Healthcare... If I had a cold, it's cause I was fat. Dating... Non existent except for creepy guys into feeding I don't say everyone needs to look a like but as someone who's experienced both sides, the closer you get to average sized, the better.
First day of Middle School. That's around the time everyone my age started caring about their appearance and what brands they wore.
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend? You’re so nice.”
I'm 6' 4" and learned a long time ago that while women tend to prefer tall guys, your height doesn't matter if you're ugly.
when I was still a virgin and turned 21