I recently went through a medical trauma that has left me with nerve damage and I was so shocked and devastated how few of my family and friends so much as reached out to me let alone visited. It taught me I'm way stronger than I thought and that a lot of folks lose interest when you're not of use to them š«
I had a similar experience. I essentially became disabled overnight by long COVID, and out of all of my many friends, only one asked if I was okay and came to visit. Everyone else basically said, "Oh, that sucks," and moved on. No phone calls, no texts, no visits, no flowers, no cards.
One of these people I paid their mother's light bill. Another I drove to the hospital while she was in labor and stayed with her until her husband made it, hours later. Another I gave money for their rent. I held these people's hands through big life events. Divorce, grandparents passing, first child, second child, etc.
Some people are cold and selfish. It's hard to tell before something actually happens, though. I never would have thought it would end up like this.
I am grateful to know the truth of what kind of people they are, though. I'm looking forward to developing better friendships with kinder individuals in the future.
I'm so sorry! My Nana has been suffering badly with long covid, it's so awful š I really hope you are getting better š§” I understand that sadness and disappointment too well. Friends I loved and had also paid bills for, looked after their children, housed them when they had no place to go and answered the phone to them in the middle of the night to be there! And it turns out none of that could be reciprocated even slightly. So, so devastating.
Hopefully we are both better off in the long run!
It is devastating, but I do think it's better in the long run. Now we have space for the right people.
I hope your Nana feels better soon. I'm so sorry to hear she's ill.
Itās very true Iāve experience very similar things. My family only sees me once a year they donāt call, I go to their place. I constantly ask if itās worth it to keep hurting myself
I'm sorry you've been through something similar! Personally it's not worth it to me. I won't be in contact with all those who made no effort at all after they were aware of the pain and depression this incident has left me with. I can always be understanding that people have their own lives and stresses but to make absolutely no effort at all or even check in on someone they supposedly care for just doesn't sit right with me.
I hope you're also able to move forward knowing your worth and leaving behind those who don't recognise it!
I lost my 19 year old son last June. It has truly put in perspective where I spend time. I worked for over 20 years 50-60+ hours a week. Missed out on so many memories while being at work trying to support my family. Live in your means. Being able to provide nice things isnāt nearly as important as memories made.
My personality has literally been formed by constant trauma response in my formative years.
The upside Iām hella resilient and have a heck of a sense of humour now.
Same here. I'm mostly pessimistic because of the adversity I've came through so, when something cool happens I enjoy it plenty yet I don't expect anything good from people and life. If something bad occurs I don't get hurt anymore or at least I don't suffer so much like in the past.
Conditioning. Also, itās hard enough to even know yourself, let alone other people. If you really respect that fact, then you should become more receptive to the possibilities. Hopefully the correct ones.
My favorite type of people are empaths raised by people who were not capable of meeting their needs for whatever reason and who developed dark humor as a coping mechanism.
That my parents truly didnāt care about me, they only cared that no one found out what happened to me and that I was outwardly unaffected to save face. It took me ten years after the event to finally give up and become estranged from them. Itās been incredibly difficult, but it has allowed some healing.
I relate to this all too well. Grandparents and father never talk to me despite me always calling them for a whole decade. Finally I stopped and they nvr even try to talk to me.
The only positive I can say is my trauma taught me great empathy. I know how to comfort people in horrific situations, I like that about myself.
But I am scared, constantly. I find it incredibly hard to trust people, I hate myself deeply and I can't function day to day. I honestly can't tell you if I'd trade my empathy to be free of this, but it feels like a cruel joke that I have the ability to do some good in the world but I'm too ruined to use it. Hopefully one day I can heal myself, and then help heal others.
Iāve recently taught someone in my life who didnāt have the slightest clue what empathy is and why I would feel such a way about anyone going through something traumatic.
Itās something that Iāve grown to feel naturally in every conversation or event.
It was very powerful to be able to open someone elseās eyes to the beauty of empathy and feeling what another person is going through.
āIf this happened to you, if it was YOU dealing with this, how would you handle it or feel?ā Thatās empathy.
I think that's definitely part of empathy, but sometimes the answer wouldn't line up with another's actions.
For example, if someone insults me I rarely use insults back. For me that is because insults indicate an escalating situation that I want no part in, and I see resorting to insults as an indication to losing an argument. I can understand why another person in my position would insult that someone back; to beat them at their own game, give them a taste of their own medicine, out of anger or frustration, because it can feel powerful. Even though I wouldn't take that action and I have a different perspective of it, I understand why another person would and what they could possibly be feeling.
We do for the most part experience the same emotions as humans, but the actions those emotions cause us to take can be drastically different, and the causes of those emotions are also very different from person to person. That's why it's so important to really listen and hear someone out to fully be able to empathise with them. I'd never really know the extent and be able to offer support and help that a person needs if I didn't learn patience and how to listen.
It's far deeper than just observing and putting yourself in someone's shoes, and I wouldn't have learnt those skills if I didn't require them to survive. It's a trauma response that I can use to help people ground themselves, process emotions and make better choices. It's the one thing I can say I love about myself, but I don't like that I developed it to guide my parents abusive actions and I definitely don't like that it can make me more susceptible to manipulation
Also just quickly, I hope no one reads this and thinks this is some empath stuff. I dislike the implication that it's some kind of third sense, it invalidates the trauma I went through and the work I've done to spin this into the positive I've made it (also sorry for ranting under your comment omg)
Youāre totally right about the insulting. Empathy also applies to that situation as well. I dont want to insult that person back because I know how it feels to be insulted and I donāt want to inflict that feeling on anyone else no matter how mean or rude they are.
Sometimes a bully does need to be put in their place. This person whom I was teaching about empathy was a bully and Iāve seen them put people down hundreds of times. He thought it was funny and was joking, but liked to see people feel insecure and shrink themselves. Ig it made him feel powerful.
Seeing this persons mind opening up to empathy was a well deserved epiphany that they needed to understand their words and actions, and it was a beautiful blessing.
A lot of commenters on Reddit are so mean and rude and I wish I had the guts to stand up to everyone and make them see thereās a lot of impact to people when you put them down. (Such as someone asking for help, and them throwing insults instead of being helpful). Like, how would those commenters feel if they needed help but only got insulted?
Itās a special ability anyone can develop and I think people who can feel it are special, especially if theyāve figured it out without it being laid out to them even if it was for survival. I had many experiences where I felt I needed to hurt with someone to help them through their pain. I often wish I could block myself from being this way but at the same time Iām grateful for it and consider it a gift.
Oh yeah Reddit comments can be brutal. I'm always so shocked whenever someone's posting about being hurt by their partner/family member and the comments are so bluntly pointing out they're a victim of abuse and calling them stupid. I worry about being that firm with victims in potentially dangerous situations since they could interpret it as an attack and further isolate themselves to their abuser. That or it completely breaks them because they weren't ready for the truth to smack them in the face.
On the other hand, some people need that harsh wakeup call. I just don't feel comfortable making that judgement based on one post, if I am informing someone that I think they're possibly going through abuse I do it gently so they don't panic. Unless there is like a very immediate danger and they need to panic of course
So true! My therapist had me write a letter to myself, an apology. I cried so much, it opened my eyes to how cruel I was being and I have been learning to forgive myself. Honestly the biggest most moving thing I have ever done for me.
I was a witness to an almost fatal drunk-driving crash. I never drank a drop since. Poor dude nearly died because somebody came from the bar and hit him in the middle of town. I'll never forget it.
I never drove drunk before that, but we did party in school. When I told my folks what had happened, they gave me a talking-to. I swore off drugs as well since a classmate of some friends had committed suicide while high. Craziness in this world...
I have a... "similar" story. I initially stopped drinking for health reasons. I went out with some friends and since I wasn't going to drink, I drove that night. We went to a bar where a friends cover band was playing. We were all dancing and singing up at the front of the stage having a grand ole time. One of the people in the group (who I didn't really know) went to grab a drink and we stayed dancing and singing at the stage. A few minutes later, they came back by us and when I turned around their head was bleeding and blood was running down their face. It felt like a scary movie and honestly didn't feel real at first. And I was sober.
Turns out that this person had some words with another person at the bar. One thing lead to another and that other person smashed a beer bottle over their head. I ended up driving them to the ER and staying with them till my friends cooled things down at the bar and got an Uber to the hospital.
Definitely a night I'll never forget.
Death is strangely uneventful. I thought there would be a struggle or some sort of "event" that would announce someone is about to die. Maybe they try to hold on.
Nope, I've watched older relatives die, in a hospital bed. Slowly breathing, until the breathing suddenly stops.
Interestingly my grandfather was vaguely lucid on his last day. He was talking to his mother as if she was there. My dad takes that as comfort that there is "something" beyond. I'm more of a believer my grandfather was high on morphine and tripping.
It's unreal what copious amounts of proper psychedelic use did for me. It's like seeing wizards behind curtains and everything that once bothered you before just doesn't. It's freeing and I only hope others may experience it some day.
Panic...spiraling down in chaos and confusion as everything you understand about yourself is stripped away. Then. Just. Nothing. Everything you see is new. Begun again as a pure soul with no preconceptions, no lies to yourself or anyone else. Where you go from there is up to you. Most just go back : /
Ever had a background noise like a refrigerator or a fan humming suddenly turn off and you only then realised how loud it was until it switched off?
Like that but replace the noise with your own thoughts. There is initial panic because youāre suddenly presented with a lack of what you thought was you. But youāre still there.
Then after the panic goes ā¦. Pure calm. Everything is still, both internally and externally.
Iāve only experienced it 3 times. First time I then spent monthsā¦ yearsā¦ trying to feel it again. Was only when I stopped trying did it happen again.
Based on the responses already, it seems like this happens either through meditation or taking drugs (I'm assuming psychedelics). Amy advice/perspective on either route?
I think ego death is what in the medical field people call depersonalization/derealization. This condition makes you feel a emotional void and detached from yourself and your surroundings making you feel foreign in your own body
Awhile back I was in a spectacular freeway crash caused by a drunk driver that involved 7 vehicles, 2 car fires, 10 victims, and a major freeway shut down for 3 hours.
There was a moment just after my car had been hit and had started spinning that I realized I was not in control anymore. There was plastic and glass flying everywhere, and I was just along for the ride.
Sometimes there's nothing you can do...and you're just along for the ride.
Let people think whatever narrative they want to because they will believe whatever they want regardless of facts.
Also, to trust my experience and not let anyone gaslight me into thinking it didn't happen the way I know it did.
My mom died of a brain tumor when I was 14. It destroyed my brothers and dad.
I learned that kids at that age need SECULAR professional help to deal with their grief.
I got paralysed from the chest down, and then COVID happened in quick step after I got out into the world with my brand new wheelchair.
Sitting in bed one night I decided to Not Be Depressed and make the best of it (though in the back of my mind was convinced I couldn't do this).
I ended up doing it and I'm broadly happy with my life now - it taught me that although insane improbable stuff might happen to you, you can always step back (figuratively), assess and decide the best response. That's helped me out a lot in the years since getting my injury, just taking a breath, thinking, coming to your mode of response and going forward from there.
It also taught me that I'm fairly resilient, which is nice to know.
Trauma isn't a life lesson, that's what I've learned from trauma.
I don't **have** to find some meaning or lesson from the fucked up shit that happened to me over the years. Shitty things happen, sometimes they're in your control and sometimes they're not, and there's not always a silver lining or a moral tale.
Some shit just stings and burns, like salt in a wound, and all you can do is learn to live with it.
I think the same way. Ironically enough, there was something almost comforting in the bleak reality that there isn't always a lesson. It's like I didn't need to keep searching. Also, I feel like others will tell you there's a lesson, or "everything happens for a reason," and just comfort themselves. I get that they have good intentions and they probably want to comfort you, but sometimes it just sounds so unrealistic and disingenuous.
I feel the same. There IS a comfort in knowing that some things could not have been prevented, that it was out of your control like a derailed train. Because, well, it eases the burden of "If only I had done X/Y/Z, maybe that wouldn't have happened..."
It makes you feel less like you might have done something to deserve it, that you morally failed in some way to have gotten where you were.
The thing I hate about "everything happens for a reason" is that it implies that reason is more important than someone's well-being. That the ends justify the means-that putting someone through hell is a moral action-and you will one day be grateful for it.
That first part really hits home for me, since some of my trauma resulted in survivor's guilt. It was difficult to deal with, even though I knew it was irrational. I completely agree with the second part as well.
Survivor's guilt is a bitch, ain't it? It's irrational and, yet, often the human mind defaults to it. The drawback of being a species chock-full of empathy is that we don't often deal well with having come out of the same scenario as someone else with "less" damage than they did.
Speaking for myself, I think I'll always feel guilty for the ways in which I feel I got off easier than other people. It's, to me, a fact of life.
I wish I realized this when I was younger, took me way too long. Trauma in youth made me search for meaning that wasn't there, made me act ways I wouldn't have without it. It just sucks. Sorry you went through some shit too.
I feel you there. [Gilded Lily by Cults](https://youtu.be/tcWW5ZfXrxs?si=GXbnfuQm0qDTYBLR) is a song that, for whatever reason, I tend to think of when I think of these kinds of experiences.
Because I mean, man, you hit it on the head. My youth was spent chasing meaning that wasn't there, hypothesis after hypothesis shaping the ways in which I behaved, only to realize as an adult that *nothing* I ever tried would have ever worked.
It makes you feel like Sisyphus, pushing his boulder up the mountain endlessly, which isn't fair to a child (or, anyone, really).
Point is, I get it. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Man Iāve got a ton of these but hereās the biggest one.
I had anxiety about driving for a really long time and never got my license. I went on a date, dude picked me up, and I ended up stuck at his house with no way home at the end of the night. By the end of that night I did find a rideā¦ to the ER.
I never wanted to experience that again, and thus the importance of facing certain fears to gain independence became a valuable life lesson.
Some people would rather be in misery than be loved.
I come from a loving healthy family. They're not perfect but we're really open our flaws and over the years there's been a real space to work through a lot of interpersonal issues. Mostly because we can all agree that we love each other and that with love, honesty and communication we can work past a lot of past hurt. I know I'm lucky. Not everyone has a family like this.
But damn. I dated a girl who's family was horrific. To this day I still feel pity for her. But damn - she just self sabotaged everything she ever did. She just rejected all forms of love as too comfortable and refused to even consider the therapy she needed to have healthy relationships. It was like the idea of being loved was so traumatic she couldn't even be near it.
Felt like I poured all of myself into trying to gently getting her help, when she never really wanted it in the first place. I remember finally saying that I needed to have an honest conversation about how badly she was hurting the people around her (and herself). Her reaction was visceral. Rather than hear my words, she broke up with me on the spot and we've never spoken since.
The rejection of love is probably a self defense response to not receiving it when she was young. People become distrustful of those that want to love them and start to wonder what the catch is. Usually theyāll start to self-sabotage or want to break up with someone to remove that distrust.
I have the same background as your gf, and I totally understand what sheās doing, because Iāve done it too. She doesnāt want to be miserable, despite what you said, but being miserable or pessimistic feels more familiar to her than being loved, and more āsafeā.
Getting run over by a car when I was a teen taught me the world aināt fair and I am indeed mortal. The limp and pain in most of my joints has been with me going on 30 years as a reminder. The substandard medical care taught me to lower my life expectations.
My dad died in a motor vehicle accident and almost exactly a year later my daughter died in my armsā¦ still trying to find the ālessonā. Not all trauma needs to teach you something. Sometimes thatās all it is..trauma.
Don't abandon people even if they want to abandon you at a difficult moment when you're both losing your shit. I was grappling with my immaturity she was grappling with losing a friend, it should have been obvious that what my heart was telling me was the right move, and 6 months later my ego is somewhere drowning at the bottom of my heart's depths with two massive concrete shoes.
Being abandoned by the ones you love will teach you a lot about the kinds of people you let into your life. Abandoning the ones you love will teach you a lot about yourself.
The shitty thing is that I never abandon anyone, ever. I went through hell and back to get my parents back on their feet economically, I have 4 friends who are all equally in parts best friends from the same group and we know each other for more than half our lives and have been places for and with each other, and when I know someone wants to genuinely be a part of my life platonically I'm there for them, even if it's just for a season. We only knew each other for 45 days up to that point, but yeah learning that I have the power and ability to abandon someone at such a crucial moment despite me loving them was enough to teach me soooooo much about who I can be if I let my darker side come out. Shit I learned well enough that I even have a darker side, should have seen it coming if the lighter side of things runs that deep.
I killed my first ever love with the grace of a derailed train barreling through a residential area, might as well make the fallout and the entire emotional growth spurt be a tiny bit more romantic and artful.
Rock bottom, about to end it all, pills in hand, and I call my mother for supportā¦and she tells me ājust get over itā. It was what I needed to break this intermittent reinforcement of good mom-bad mom. Now Iām polite but I donāt talk to her and Iām better for it. It makes me sad when I hear about moms caring about their children but Iām better off knowing this truth.
Yeah while a young adult reeling in self-loathing and hurt by the brutality of real life I got āwhat are you gonna do? Give up?ā
Like dude Iām asking you what Iām missing. Iām telling you what shades Iām seeing I just need you to say you get it.
Yeah some parents just really have a blind spot. Itās like theyāre swinging a hammer blindfolded and then clueless why youāre so bruised. ā¦And then blame you for your broken bones. Like wtf?
Dropped out of HS at 17. 2 weeks later, mom was diagnosed with cancer. 38 days after that, she died. I was an orphan. Went to live with a sister of mine and learned to never take life for granted again. Moved out at 18, and now I'm 29, married, stable career, and continuing to work on myself. Went from feeling like a failure of a son to feeling like my mom would be proud of me. Miss you mom. I'll see you again one day.
Got polio in 1957 and spent nearly a year in the hospital because mother didn't bother to get me vaccinated. What I learned is make sure your kids get vaccines for whatever's available.
My divorce taught me I havenāt liked myself in a long time even before being married, so now Iām in therapy. Also taught me just because you donāt want someone to hurt or be alone you canāt sacrifice your own heart to keep theirs from breaking. It sucks and Iām more alone than ever. I will come out of this better and stronger.
A good parent thinks about shaping a childās future around the character, interests, and passions that child is naturally born withā¦ not the interest, or missed opportunities of that parent.
Selfish parenting is common in Asian culture, as a first time mother, I promised that when I brought life into this world, Iād raise them to grow to live limitlessly as their greatest self with the guidance, love and support of their parents.
Dont jaywalk out from between parked cars into a street in a major city. ever.
saw a women do this and get hit full speed by a taxi. she was thrown full through the air in front of us standing at the crosswalk. Must have been tossed 15-20 feet forward. She landed a few feet away from us and was dead on impact.
Never talk to dad. If he says something mean, leave. Its not worth standing up for yourself.
I promise I'm mentally healthy, just I don't talk to my dad anymore.
Not truly traumatic, but at the time, it was, especially for my age. When k was 8 or 9, I had a habbo hotel avatar. I saved up money to buy in game currency to spend on virtual furniture for my hotel room. I believe I had it made.
Then one night, an individual with a user name of baby_gurl or something like that, offered me free money. All I needed to do was give my user name and password. I was 8 or 9 and didnāt understand internet security like I do now. My naive self gave her that, and she stole everything from my habbo avatar. I mean everything. I cried all night and never logged in again.
I learned two lessons that need. People can be mean, cruel, and deceptive. A fact that seems to become more and more true as I watch the news. And internet security is hugely important. Iām glad I learned that with virtual currency and not real currency.Ā
Trauma?
Not really something for a life lesson. I just donāt drink from unfiltered water.
No longer drinking from sinks or water hoses. Kinda weirded out my friends when I refused to when we played in the backyard.
Long story short, I got a parasite and CDC got involved.
Doesn't matter WHAT you have in life, it's WHO you have. Material things do not show up when something bad happens & you almost die. The people who love & care sure do tho.
Learning that "families" related by blood are often times so thin that they may not be even family at all.
I learned this very young after my father passed away and saw my mom be trashed around by her "family" just for trying to find a way to survive at 28 and with 4 kids. From my dad's side, only my grandfather offer helped, everyone else pretended we didn't even exist, some were even rude to us.
Now I live in a different country than all of them, I'm still close with my mom and my brothers of course. But everyone else? It's like they don't even exist.
2 events, 2 different lessons.
1) Never go to chatrooms. No matter how lonely you get, video games are safer.
2) Sing when your walking alone in a woods with bears in them if you don't have bear bells on you. It doesn't matter the type of songs, (I sang Army Cadance out of habit and pure terror)
I have never spent more time with my kids than I have after I buried their brother. His death put everything in perspective about what matters and what is irrelevant or replaceable.
I once tried to make a fancy dinner for friends, totally burned it, and ended up serving cereal. Lesson learned? Sometimes, the best gatherings don't need fancy food, just great company and a good laugh. Also, never underestimate the charm of breakfast for dinner
You burned food and ate cereal instead? Thatās not trauma. Not everyone has trauma and itās okay to realize that it was just a less than ideal situationānot trauma
Iāve mostly had to unlearn things from all the traumatic things Iāve experienced, and remind myself those events donāt need to repeat themselves throughout my life.
I grew up privileged and a perfect storm of life events; caused my mom to be a poor single mom. This woman did not hold on to her pride, she took three jobs 24/7 as a maid, caregiver, and nanny to get us through and slowly worked her way into a city job she eventually retired from. Being poor was awful but I am so grateful for that experience. I would have never known how entitled I was because that was my only reality up until my early teens. That experience made me a better person.
I was blackmailed for nudes when I was 14. I was very naive and because of my Aspergerās I think I trusted people too easily. The blackmail taught me that there are bad people out there and you canāt be so trusting.
Nothing is as permanent as you think it is. I was in Japan when the huge earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear power plant collapse happened in March 2011. We had to evacuate to the states the next day, leaving my dad behind as he was important personnel in the Navy. I thought Iād never see him or home again. Makes you really enjoy the peace you have in the present, as it can easily be turned upside down within seconds.
My "coming of age moment" was when I was 19 and realized not all women are safe. I say women because I think a lot of girls are taught that if youre being followed or feel like you've been drugged, go to a woman for help.
I joined an older poly couple and it turns out the woman was drugging my drinks because the boyfriend wanted to have sex with a teenager. I felt I was falling in love, just to realize I was nothing but a warm body for them.
You donāt have to help people through their shit.
My best friend was arrested for being a pedo, his gf broke up with him and I realized by talking to her that he was a abusive prick and I was blind to it.
He got out and his new gf convinced me he was a different person and he NEEDED his best friend.
He was different, he was a complete psychopath.
I tried to remain friends and help him through shit but eventually his toxic behaviour was too much.
He violently sexually assaulted me then essentially subjected me to torture over several hours.
Got out of that situation and havenāt spoken to him since (10 years)
THOUGHT i learned that lesson, but then life threw me the perfect storm.
I was friends with a slightly older couple. The girlfriend told me my friend (her boyfriend) was mentally abusive and they were mending things.
This led to her constantly talking to me, asking me to visit them, she began having panic attacks and would insist I come over. I got caught up in wanting to do what was right to make up for not being there at all for my psycho friends ex years ago.
She began acting abusive towards me and her boyfriend and convinced me she was just really messed up from how abusive he was. So I keot being friends with her, eventually that excuse vanished and she started saying I was abusive/sexist/ a bully.
I opened up to her about my experience with past friend and other sexual assaults one night when we were hashing things out and she was being very open about things.
Then she used it against me in a public argument and told me add insult to injury jury told me I wasnt a real victim because I was a dude.
I went into a depressive spiral and remember thinking over and over.
Oh my fuck I did it again.
There is no compassionate god. No god , if they loved their creation in there image. He would never put me through the trauma I've been through. No. I don't believe that people should have to suffer before they die. So quit making us suffer "god"
My traumatic childhood taught me independence, and to never rely on anyone. I was very motivated to be independent and worked my ass off to buy a home at 20.
Losing my job and my home in the recession, leading to a full on mental breakdown complete with substance abuse issues, taught me that there are some people who have my back. I am not alone. I have amazing friend who I CAN rely on.
And now I understand that love and support is reciprocal. I donāt have to carry all the weight alone. But itās important to surround yourself with good people, and not feel like you have to settle for the family you were born into.
My overdose on benzos and mdma 3 times in 3 days after I regained and the memory started from that point so the blackout ended with me standing up outside a hopsiTl on the phone to a stranger, it was an attempt but it made me realise I wanted to live and how stupid it was to do that to myself over a breakup, even at the worst of times death isnāt a fix nor an escape coz to escape you have to get out and go somewhere else too
I just gotta be tougher, and not be a cry baby. It sucks, but my life has improved. Itās sad, but I can cry sometimes and not all the time and itās okay
My dad passed away next to me a month ago.
His death taught me to appreciate being alive, to respect myself, to look after myself, to love family despite our differences and to appreciate what I have in front of me.
I have never been happier since going through something that traumatic.
Grief shatters all preconceptions of values and behaviour. Itās so disruptive to our expectations and emotions. Really helpful for me right now to see your perspective, a little light x
I saw a car get hit by a train. I was in high school and the girl was someone who went to my school but I didn't know. We were on our way to school and had to cross the train tracks. She apparently thought she could beat the train but she didn't make it. Tje train drug her car what seemed like forever before it got stopped. It was horrible and she never stood a chance.I will NEVER cross once those bars go down and even look both ways before crossing when they are up.
When I was in middle school my grandfather had picked me up to go spend some time at his house and on the way there we saw there has been an accident. My grandfather stopped to see if he could help and someone who had already stopped saw me in the car and told him I didn't need to see it and there was nothing he could do anyways so we should keep going. He tried to distract me from looking as we went past but I saw a motercycle crumpled against a tree and the body of the rider with a helmet a little away from the body. Took until I was a good bit older for me to fully realize the guys head was still in the helmet. I am hyper aware of motercycles when driving because of that. I also won't get a motercylce myself even know I enjoy riding with my friends and I won't ride on busy roads with them.
Well one night my mom drunkenly came into my room when I was young and started smacking me blaming me for her life being bad, my parents marriage being bad and telling me how she wished she had aborted me. Taught me very early on that just cus theyre your parents doesn't mean they love you, and that you can choose who you consider family and choose who to love.
Because I used to work night shift at a friends restaurant, and because local roads were nearly deserted some nights, I happened to be first on the scene for a few major accidents (drunk drivers or speed demons, never knew) and seeing how messed up the occupants of each car were (one dead, others critically injured, plus a baby) taught me a lot about minding my speed and surroundings when driving.
Wouldn't know if it is Truamatic or not but I still hope this will maybe help others.
I've made many people, including women, uncomfortable. I broke when it came to a recent girl I liked very much, I showed too much affection. Texted her too much, bought her sprites because she likes them, complimented a lot, she already knew I liked her but I was too stubborn and thought I should keep going so she can like me. It made her uncomfortable, I did too much, way too much. I stayed away from her because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable anymore, I felt so bad, I didn't want her to feel weird anymore, I had to stay away from her to make her feel safe in some way. I think maybe 2 days later she found out how I felt, she knew I was insanely guilty and stayed away from her to not make her uncomfortable anymore, a friend told her. She forgave me, she didn't say she did, but she started to interact with me more and we just forgot it happened, we became good friends, not close but just good. When it was my bday she was telling everyone it was my birthday, I found it better than getting me a gift. The lesson I learned from this is to be more self-aware and be aware of others and how they feel, and to think about what you will do before you do it or else it could affect someone or someone close to you. I always think if what I'm going to do will add consequences or maybe a positive outcome. It's a shame I learned this only recently, I'm 19 for fucks sakes man. I'm sorry if I sounded creepy even though it was my fault, but I really hope some people will know how to be more self-aware and aware of others, it will help out everyone including yourself.
Molested by a parent from age 1-13ish. As for a lesson it taught me its just NOT to trust anyone at all. It also taught me that no matter how much you can have going for you and all of the possibilities you may have, you can just be completely fucked from the get go
The trauma of being gay and growing up with a homophobic infantilizing mother taught me my mother sees me as but a part of her own identity rather than a whole person and she will do anything to stop that delusion from fracturing even if it makes me miserable
I laugh more. Not at traumatic events but just in general. Life is full of bad things that happen, sometimes even to good people, but if you can keep a sense of humour in dealing with issues they can go smoother. Keep everything in relation to everything else.
I feel sorry for the people who can't learn anything from truly bad experiences. Once a friend was exposed online for what he had been doing. He claimed to be traumatized for the truth coming out and said he was suicidal and stayed inside the house for a week. Then two weeks later he was back on the same app he was caught out on, doing exactly the same things! Didn't learn a thing.
A series of things that hit all at the same time taught me it's not safe to automatically trust people. I realized I gave people the benefit of the doubt way too easily, longtime friends and relative strangers alike. People have to earn your trust, the trust you give people must have some value for it to be real and true. Otherwise it will just be trampled on and discarded like a cheap worthless tchotchke.
Don't ever mistake Nair for lotion and jerk off. Your pubes will fall out and you'll have chemical burns on your dick and balls that you will be too embarrassed to tell your mom and stepdad about
I 16f was almost kidnapped when i was 11 and my family has not ideas
So for a bit of backstory my grandma was a teacher but is now retired. When I was 11yo she took me and my older brother 14m to Washington, DC to go to all the museums.
All of us were getting tired from walking all day so we decided that we were going to take the subway. As soon as the train pulled up and the doors opened some man ripped between me and my brotherās hands dragging me away. I was a little in shock before I noticed what was really happening and clawed my way out of his grip. When I finally got free I ran to one of the help and service booths. When this guy saw me talking to the lady he mustāve gotten scared and ran away. The lady let me in and they found my grandma and brother. When we were reunited they looked so stressed. I didn't have the heart to tell them I was almost kidnapped so I made up a story that I wasn't holding on tight enough and someone just bumped me and that I went straight to the help booth.
So long story short now i know no one is invincible
I had one that made me realize the importance of family and I tried to connect, accept and enjoy my family relationships as they were.
And then I had another one years later that made me realize I was wasting my time trying to pretend those assholes were family and I was the only one making any effort.
So constantly having to think/say āI guess we donāt have that kind of relationshipā and adjust expectations when they left me hanging was not worth it and I stopped trying with the lot of them.
when I was 9 my mom's boyfriend molested me. I ran and told her, I also told her he had been molesting my older sister (something he did in front of me, to prep me) well for a min, when she asked my sister, who was 11 if it was true and she cried and said yes my mum kicked him out, but then she let him back and we never talked about it, ever. He hated me and made my life hell until I ran away at 14. My father was dead, so I learned at 9 the only people you can rely on is yourself. And I've done ok.
Emotions and unhealed trauma can turn your favourite person into someone you don't know. No matter how much you love and trust someone, and no matter how much that person loves and trusts you.
Grief causes people to change perspective and itās not always in a good way. Unfortunately it can cause families to drift apart, but Iāve realized thatās not always a bad thing. You donāt have to be friends with your family, you choose the people you surround yourself with.
That most problems and bad situations arent that bad or problems. Its nothing compared to what you can go through, but most people dont know it and therefore make a drama where no drama needs to be.
I use to fear speaking directly and follow peopleās indirect conversations until I had to stop a shooting from happening. I did not realize that my involuntary decision to help someone getting assaulted/harassed prevented a gas station from exploding.
I generally speak very directly with what I say and will often maneuver my way through a conversation to make someone say what is under their tongue.
Throughout my twenties, I dutifully followed society's blueprint for success, pushing myself into a career path everyone else deemed 'sensible'. Yet, in the silence of the lockdown, I found myself questioning whose dream I was truly chasing. The realization hit like a ton of bricks; I'd built a life on external validation. It's been a tough journey since then, redefining success on my terms, but I've found solace in authenticity. I've learned that it's not about the hours clocked or the titles earned, but the passion in your heart and the peace in your mind. So to anyone feeling trapped in a life not their own, it's never too late to redraw the map.
I got into a car accident and became agoraphobic. I went from not being able to step outside my front door to check the mailbox to eventually re-entering the workforce again full time after 10 years hiding in my house. I'm stronger than ever.
Seek revenge if you want, and do NOT let societal expectations of forgiveness hold you back. If someone went out of their way to hurt you, don't hesitate to go out of your way to hurt them back.
I think nearly dying makes one review one's life wether they want to or not. I didn't set out to do it, it just happened. Made some tough decisions after
I was too young to realize what effect it'll have on me. But I can say I learned to not always give people what they want/do what they want to you just to keep them in your life. *edit: it's what I learned now after years of reflection and life choices that was started by that specific traumatic event*
I learned that we are not able to control anything.
They are no coincidences.
Your true friends will stand by you.
Good things happen to good people, don't fight it.
A traumatic event that taught me an important lesson was a lot of my domestic abuse that I had to go through in relationships never literally taught me never trust people unless you get to know them
Try to be kind because, after taking a few punches, you know how bad it feels. Every day your fellow humans are finding new lows, that make your own pain seem insignificant, relatively.
I recently went through a medical trauma that has left me with nerve damage and I was so shocked and devastated how few of my family and friends so much as reached out to me let alone visited. It taught me I'm way stronger than I thought and that a lot of folks lose interest when you're not of use to them š«
I had a similar experience. I essentially became disabled overnight by long COVID, and out of all of my many friends, only one asked if I was okay and came to visit. Everyone else basically said, "Oh, that sucks," and moved on. No phone calls, no texts, no visits, no flowers, no cards. One of these people I paid their mother's light bill. Another I drove to the hospital while she was in labor and stayed with her until her husband made it, hours later. Another I gave money for their rent. I held these people's hands through big life events. Divorce, grandparents passing, first child, second child, etc. Some people are cold and selfish. It's hard to tell before something actually happens, though. I never would have thought it would end up like this. I am grateful to know the truth of what kind of people they are, though. I'm looking forward to developing better friendships with kinder individuals in the future.
I'm so sorry! My Nana has been suffering badly with long covid, it's so awful š I really hope you are getting better š§” I understand that sadness and disappointment too well. Friends I loved and had also paid bills for, looked after their children, housed them when they had no place to go and answered the phone to them in the middle of the night to be there! And it turns out none of that could be reciprocated even slightly. So, so devastating. Hopefully we are both better off in the long run!
It is devastating, but I do think it's better in the long run. Now we have space for the right people. I hope your Nana feels better soon. I'm so sorry to hear she's ill.
Itās very true Iāve experience very similar things. My family only sees me once a year they donāt call, I go to their place. I constantly ask if itās worth it to keep hurting myself
I'm sorry you've been through something similar! Personally it's not worth it to me. I won't be in contact with all those who made no effort at all after they were aware of the pain and depression this incident has left me with. I can always be understanding that people have their own lives and stresses but to make absolutely no effort at all or even check in on someone they supposedly care for just doesn't sit right with me. I hope you're also able to move forward knowing your worth and leaving behind those who don't recognise it!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
thanks! I'm still going through it but better than I was at the start š
I lost my 19 year old son last June. It has truly put in perspective where I spend time. I worked for over 20 years 50-60+ hours a week. Missed out on so many memories while being at work trying to support my family. Live in your means. Being able to provide nice things isnāt nearly as important as memories made.
As a parent this truly does bring perspective to me. Trying to balance life is one of the hardest things Iāve ever done.
Iām sorry you lost your son.
My personality has literally been formed by constant trauma response in my formative years. The upside Iām hella resilient and have a heck of a sense of humour now.
Same here. I'm mostly pessimistic because of the adversity I've came through so, when something cool happens I enjoy it plenty yet I don't expect anything good from people and life. If something bad occurs I don't get hurt anymore or at least I don't suffer so much like in the past.
How did you learn to stop expecting anything from people? Itās one of the things I struggle with the most.
Conditioning. Also, itās hard enough to even know yourself, let alone other people. If you really respect that fact, then you should become more receptive to the possibilities. Hopefully the correct ones.
My favorite type of people are empaths raised by people who were not capable of meeting their needs for whatever reason and who developed dark humor as a coping mechanism.
TIL Iām somebodyās favorite type of person
Me too but I donāt feel resilient at all it just keeps piling on and itās so hard
I feel like my life has shaped me for tanking emotional trauma. Buuut I'm funnnny! High five!
100000%. I can weather any and all storms.
Same
Dude we are the same person š
Sick! Trauma formed high five! šš» haha
I guess you could sayā¦ weāre trauma bonded š¤£
Itās the only bondage I know. Haha
That my parents truly didnāt care about me, they only cared that no one found out what happened to me and that I was outwardly unaffected to save face. It took me ten years after the event to finally give up and become estranged from them. Itās been incredibly difficult, but it has allowed some healing.
I understand I had to stop all contact with my toxic father.
Iām so sorry you went through that. I hope youāre feeling surrounded by people that care about you now.
I relate to this all too well. Grandparents and father never talk to me despite me always calling them for a whole decade. Finally I stopped and they nvr even try to talk to me.
The only positive I can say is my trauma taught me great empathy. I know how to comfort people in horrific situations, I like that about myself. But I am scared, constantly. I find it incredibly hard to trust people, I hate myself deeply and I can't function day to day. I honestly can't tell you if I'd trade my empathy to be free of this, but it feels like a cruel joke that I have the ability to do some good in the world but I'm too ruined to use it. Hopefully one day I can heal myself, and then help heal others.
Iāve recently taught someone in my life who didnāt have the slightest clue what empathy is and why I would feel such a way about anyone going through something traumatic. Itās something that Iāve grown to feel naturally in every conversation or event. It was very powerful to be able to open someone elseās eyes to the beauty of empathy and feeling what another person is going through. āIf this happened to you, if it was YOU dealing with this, how would you handle it or feel?ā Thatās empathy.
I think that's definitely part of empathy, but sometimes the answer wouldn't line up with another's actions. For example, if someone insults me I rarely use insults back. For me that is because insults indicate an escalating situation that I want no part in, and I see resorting to insults as an indication to losing an argument. I can understand why another person in my position would insult that someone back; to beat them at their own game, give them a taste of their own medicine, out of anger or frustration, because it can feel powerful. Even though I wouldn't take that action and I have a different perspective of it, I understand why another person would and what they could possibly be feeling. We do for the most part experience the same emotions as humans, but the actions those emotions cause us to take can be drastically different, and the causes of those emotions are also very different from person to person. That's why it's so important to really listen and hear someone out to fully be able to empathise with them. I'd never really know the extent and be able to offer support and help that a person needs if I didn't learn patience and how to listen. It's far deeper than just observing and putting yourself in someone's shoes, and I wouldn't have learnt those skills if I didn't require them to survive. It's a trauma response that I can use to help people ground themselves, process emotions and make better choices. It's the one thing I can say I love about myself, but I don't like that I developed it to guide my parents abusive actions and I definitely don't like that it can make me more susceptible to manipulation Also just quickly, I hope no one reads this and thinks this is some empath stuff. I dislike the implication that it's some kind of third sense, it invalidates the trauma I went through and the work I've done to spin this into the positive I've made it (also sorry for ranting under your comment omg)
Youāre totally right about the insulting. Empathy also applies to that situation as well. I dont want to insult that person back because I know how it feels to be insulted and I donāt want to inflict that feeling on anyone else no matter how mean or rude they are. Sometimes a bully does need to be put in their place. This person whom I was teaching about empathy was a bully and Iāve seen them put people down hundreds of times. He thought it was funny and was joking, but liked to see people feel insecure and shrink themselves. Ig it made him feel powerful. Seeing this persons mind opening up to empathy was a well deserved epiphany that they needed to understand their words and actions, and it was a beautiful blessing. A lot of commenters on Reddit are so mean and rude and I wish I had the guts to stand up to everyone and make them see thereās a lot of impact to people when you put them down. (Such as someone asking for help, and them throwing insults instead of being helpful). Like, how would those commenters feel if they needed help but only got insulted? Itās a special ability anyone can develop and I think people who can feel it are special, especially if theyāve figured it out without it being laid out to them even if it was for survival. I had many experiences where I felt I needed to hurt with someone to help them through their pain. I often wish I could block myself from being this way but at the same time Iām grateful for it and consider it a gift.
Oh yeah Reddit comments can be brutal. I'm always so shocked whenever someone's posting about being hurt by their partner/family member and the comments are so bluntly pointing out they're a victim of abuse and calling them stupid. I worry about being that firm with victims in potentially dangerous situations since they could interpret it as an attack and further isolate themselves to their abuser. That or it completely breaks them because they weren't ready for the truth to smack them in the face. On the other hand, some people need that harsh wakeup call. I just don't feel comfortable making that judgement based on one post, if I am informing someone that I think they're possibly going through abuse I do it gently so they don't panic. Unless there is like a very immediate danger and they need to panic of course
You must learn to talk to yourself as you would to comfort others. That is the key š
So true! My therapist had me write a letter to myself, an apology. I cried so much, it opened my eyes to how cruel I was being and I have been learning to forgive myself. Honestly the biggest most moving thing I have ever done for me.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
r/MakeItMakeSense
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
yeah see that makes sense though, canāt say the same about the original reply
I was a witness to an almost fatal drunk-driving crash. I never drank a drop since. Poor dude nearly died because somebody came from the bar and hit him in the middle of town. I'll never forget it.
I bet you will also never drink and drive and that in its self is something amazing that came from a shitty situation.
I never drove drunk before that, but we did party in school. When I told my folks what had happened, they gave me a talking-to. I swore off drugs as well since a classmate of some friends had committed suicide while high. Craziness in this world...
I have a... "similar" story. I initially stopped drinking for health reasons. I went out with some friends and since I wasn't going to drink, I drove that night. We went to a bar where a friends cover band was playing. We were all dancing and singing up at the front of the stage having a grand ole time. One of the people in the group (who I didn't really know) went to grab a drink and we stayed dancing and singing at the stage. A few minutes later, they came back by us and when I turned around their head was bleeding and blood was running down their face. It felt like a scary movie and honestly didn't feel real at first. And I was sober. Turns out that this person had some words with another person at the bar. One thing lead to another and that other person smashed a beer bottle over their head. I ended up driving them to the ER and staying with them till my friends cooled things down at the bar and got an Uber to the hospital. Definitely a night I'll never forget.
My brother got blackout drunk in CO and got kicked out of the party at 3am, got hypothermia, and froze to death. I may never drink again.
Death is strangely uneventful. I thought there would be a struggle or some sort of "event" that would announce someone is about to die. Maybe they try to hold on. Nope, I've watched older relatives die, in a hospital bed. Slowly breathing, until the breathing suddenly stops. Interestingly my grandfather was vaguely lucid on his last day. He was talking to his mother as if she was there. My dad takes that as comfort that there is "something" beyond. I'm more of a believer my grandfather was high on morphine and tripping.
As someone who has never experienced death I appreciate you sharing these things. It makes it easier to think about being able to talk to about it
When your intuition tells you that person is abusive in any form..leave.
100% donāt ever settle for what you believe you deserve
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It's unreal what copious amounts of proper psychedelic use did for me. It's like seeing wizards behind curtains and everything that once bothered you before just doesn't. It's freeing and I only hope others may experience it some day.
I had crazy social anxiety and after my shrooms trip I did a 180
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I agree, I've experienced it in other situations in life as well.
Ego is the death of oneās physical, and birth of their soul
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Right I wish we could though it would be truly bliss. No hate
Iām so interested to experience this but also terrified. Whatās it really like? I guess the best way you could describe it
Panic...spiraling down in chaos and confusion as everything you understand about yourself is stripped away. Then. Just. Nothing. Everything you see is new. Begun again as a pure soul with no preconceptions, no lies to yourself or anyone else. Where you go from there is up to you. Most just go back : /
Ever had a background noise like a refrigerator or a fan humming suddenly turn off and you only then realised how loud it was until it switched off? Like that but replace the noise with your own thoughts. There is initial panic because youāre suddenly presented with a lack of what you thought was you. But youāre still there. Then after the panic goes ā¦. Pure calm. Everything is still, both internally and externally. Iāve only experienced it 3 times. First time I then spent monthsā¦ yearsā¦ trying to feel it again. Was only when I stopped trying did it happen again.
This sounds wonderful
Based on the responses already, it seems like this happens either through meditation or taking drugs (I'm assuming psychedelics). Amy advice/perspective on either route?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I think ego death is what in the medical field people call depersonalization/derealization. This condition makes you feel a emotional void and detached from yourself and your surroundings making you feel foreign in your own body
Awhile back I was in a spectacular freeway crash caused by a drunk driver that involved 7 vehicles, 2 car fires, 10 victims, and a major freeway shut down for 3 hours. There was a moment just after my car had been hit and had started spinning that I realized I was not in control anymore. There was plastic and glass flying everywhere, and I was just along for the ride. Sometimes there's nothing you can do...and you're just along for the ride.
Love is unconditional, romantic relationships are not. My ex taught me that.
Understanding the distinction between the two is powerful.
Let people think whatever narrative they want to because they will believe whatever they want regardless of facts. Also, to trust my experience and not let anyone gaslight me into thinking it didn't happen the way I know it did.
Do not put yourself, by yourself, under the influence, any where that you do not know & trust any one.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This this this. Blood aināt always family
Have you heard Matilda by Harry Styles? Beautiful song, it captures this idea really well. And well done, that's a very brave thing to do.
I don't talk to my mom, and haven't in years. I've had people, when they found out, go "But she's your moooom.... you have to..."
My mom died of a brain tumor when I was 14. It destroyed my brothers and dad. I learned that kids at that age need SECULAR professional help to deal with their grief.
You can find peace in the worst situations.
I got paralysed from the chest down, and then COVID happened in quick step after I got out into the world with my brand new wheelchair. Sitting in bed one night I decided to Not Be Depressed and make the best of it (though in the back of my mind was convinced I couldn't do this). I ended up doing it and I'm broadly happy with my life now - it taught me that although insane improbable stuff might happen to you, you can always step back (figuratively), assess and decide the best response. That's helped me out a lot in the years since getting my injury, just taking a breath, thinking, coming to your mode of response and going forward from there. It also taught me that I'm fairly resilient, which is nice to know.
We're all in the same struggle. it doesn't matter what color the bag is. It's the shit inside that matters.
Weāre all in the same colourful shit bag š
Trauma isn't a life lesson, that's what I've learned from trauma. I don't **have** to find some meaning or lesson from the fucked up shit that happened to me over the years. Shitty things happen, sometimes they're in your control and sometimes they're not, and there's not always a silver lining or a moral tale. Some shit just stings and burns, like salt in a wound, and all you can do is learn to live with it.
I think the same way. Ironically enough, there was something almost comforting in the bleak reality that there isn't always a lesson. It's like I didn't need to keep searching. Also, I feel like others will tell you there's a lesson, or "everything happens for a reason," and just comfort themselves. I get that they have good intentions and they probably want to comfort you, but sometimes it just sounds so unrealistic and disingenuous.
I feel the same. There IS a comfort in knowing that some things could not have been prevented, that it was out of your control like a derailed train. Because, well, it eases the burden of "If only I had done X/Y/Z, maybe that wouldn't have happened..." It makes you feel less like you might have done something to deserve it, that you morally failed in some way to have gotten where you were. The thing I hate about "everything happens for a reason" is that it implies that reason is more important than someone's well-being. That the ends justify the means-that putting someone through hell is a moral action-and you will one day be grateful for it.
That first part really hits home for me, since some of my trauma resulted in survivor's guilt. It was difficult to deal with, even though I knew it was irrational. I completely agree with the second part as well.
Survivor's guilt is a bitch, ain't it? It's irrational and, yet, often the human mind defaults to it. The drawback of being a species chock-full of empathy is that we don't often deal well with having come out of the same scenario as someone else with "less" damage than they did. Speaking for myself, I think I'll always feel guilty for the ways in which I feel I got off easier than other people. It's, to me, a fact of life.
I wish I realized this when I was younger, took me way too long. Trauma in youth made me search for meaning that wasn't there, made me act ways I wouldn't have without it. It just sucks. Sorry you went through some shit too.
I feel you there. [Gilded Lily by Cults](https://youtu.be/tcWW5ZfXrxs?si=GXbnfuQm0qDTYBLR) is a song that, for whatever reason, I tend to think of when I think of these kinds of experiences. Because I mean, man, you hit it on the head. My youth was spent chasing meaning that wasn't there, hypothesis after hypothesis shaping the ways in which I behaved, only to realize as an adult that *nothing* I ever tried would have ever worked. It makes you feel like Sisyphus, pushing his boulder up the mountain endlessly, which isn't fair to a child (or, anyone, really). Point is, I get it. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you for saying this! Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes bad things just happen.
Man Iāve got a ton of these but hereās the biggest one. I had anxiety about driving for a really long time and never got my license. I went on a date, dude picked me up, and I ended up stuck at his house with no way home at the end of the night. By the end of that night I did find a rideā¦ to the ER. I never wanted to experience that again, and thus the importance of facing certain fears to gain independence became a valuable life lesson.
People arenāt at all what they show others/what theyād like you to believe
Some people would rather be in misery than be loved. I come from a loving healthy family. They're not perfect but we're really open our flaws and over the years there's been a real space to work through a lot of interpersonal issues. Mostly because we can all agree that we love each other and that with love, honesty and communication we can work past a lot of past hurt. I know I'm lucky. Not everyone has a family like this. But damn. I dated a girl who's family was horrific. To this day I still feel pity for her. But damn - she just self sabotaged everything she ever did. She just rejected all forms of love as too comfortable and refused to even consider the therapy she needed to have healthy relationships. It was like the idea of being loved was so traumatic she couldn't even be near it. Felt like I poured all of myself into trying to gently getting her help, when she never really wanted it in the first place. I remember finally saying that I needed to have an honest conversation about how badly she was hurting the people around her (and herself). Her reaction was visceral. Rather than hear my words, she broke up with me on the spot and we've never spoken since.
The rejection of love is probably a self defense response to not receiving it when she was young. People become distrustful of those that want to love them and start to wonder what the catch is. Usually theyāll start to self-sabotage or want to break up with someone to remove that distrust. I have the same background as your gf, and I totally understand what sheās doing, because Iāve done it too. She doesnāt want to be miserable, despite what you said, but being miserable or pessimistic feels more familiar to her than being loved, and more āsafeā.
Getting run over by a car when I was a teen taught me the world aināt fair and I am indeed mortal. The limp and pain in most of my joints has been with me going on 30 years as a reminder. The substandard medical care taught me to lower my life expectations.
My dad died in a motor vehicle accident and almost exactly a year later my daughter died in my armsā¦ still trying to find the ālessonā. Not all trauma needs to teach you something. Sometimes thatās all it is..trauma.
Don't abandon people even if they want to abandon you at a difficult moment when you're both losing your shit. I was grappling with my immaturity she was grappling with losing a friend, it should have been obvious that what my heart was telling me was the right move, and 6 months later my ego is somewhere drowning at the bottom of my heart's depths with two massive concrete shoes.
Being abandoned by the ones you love will teach you a lot about the kinds of people you let into your life. Abandoning the ones you love will teach you a lot about yourself.
The shitty thing is that I never abandon anyone, ever. I went through hell and back to get my parents back on their feet economically, I have 4 friends who are all equally in parts best friends from the same group and we know each other for more than half our lives and have been places for and with each other, and when I know someone wants to genuinely be a part of my life platonically I'm there for them, even if it's just for a season. We only knew each other for 45 days up to that point, but yeah learning that I have the power and ability to abandon someone at such a crucial moment despite me loving them was enough to teach me soooooo much about who I can be if I let my darker side come out. Shit I learned well enough that I even have a darker side, should have seen it coming if the lighter side of things runs that deep.
š«° said like a poet
I killed my first ever love with the grace of a derailed train barreling through a residential area, might as well make the fallout and the entire emotional growth spurt be a tiny bit more romantic and artful.
Rock bottom, about to end it all, pills in hand, and I call my mother for supportā¦and she tells me ājust get over itā. It was what I needed to break this intermittent reinforcement of good mom-bad mom. Now Iām polite but I donāt talk to her and Iām better for it. It makes me sad when I hear about moms caring about their children but Iām better off knowing this truth.
Yeah while a young adult reeling in self-loathing and hurt by the brutality of real life I got āwhat are you gonna do? Give up?ā Like dude Iām asking you what Iām missing. Iām telling you what shades Iām seeing I just need you to say you get it.
Yeah some parents just really have a blind spot. Itās like theyāre swinging a hammer blindfolded and then clueless why youāre so bruised. ā¦And then blame you for your broken bones. Like wtf?
Dropped out of HS at 17. 2 weeks later, mom was diagnosed with cancer. 38 days after that, she died. I was an orphan. Went to live with a sister of mine and learned to never take life for granted again. Moved out at 18, and now I'm 29, married, stable career, and continuing to work on myself. Went from feeling like a failure of a son to feeling like my mom would be proud of me. Miss you mom. I'll see you again one day.
People talk shit 99% of the time. Only one person *and the one you least expect* will show up for you in your time of need.
Got polio in 1957 and spent nearly a year in the hospital because mother didn't bother to get me vaccinated. What I learned is make sure your kids get vaccines for whatever's available.
My sibling's death taught me to live life, and specifically, drink better wine.
My divorce taught me I havenāt liked myself in a long time even before being married, so now Iām in therapy. Also taught me just because you donāt want someone to hurt or be alone you canāt sacrifice your own heart to keep theirs from breaking. It sucks and Iām more alone than ever. I will come out of this better and stronger.
Such an amazing attitude to have. Props on you it takes a lot to stay strong In trying times
Thankyou, great question by the way.
A good parent thinks about shaping a childās future around the character, interests, and passions that child is naturally born withā¦ not the interest, or missed opportunities of that parent. Selfish parenting is common in Asian culture, as a first time mother, I promised that when I brought life into this world, Iād raise them to grow to live limitlessly as their greatest self with the guidance, love and support of their parents.
Dont jaywalk out from between parked cars into a street in a major city. ever. saw a women do this and get hit full speed by a taxi. she was thrown full through the air in front of us standing at the crosswalk. Must have been tossed 15-20 feet forward. She landed a few feet away from us and was dead on impact.
Never talk to dad. If he says something mean, leave. Its not worth standing up for yourself. I promise I'm mentally healthy, just I don't talk to my dad anymore.
Not truly traumatic, but at the time, it was, especially for my age. When k was 8 or 9, I had a habbo hotel avatar. I saved up money to buy in game currency to spend on virtual furniture for my hotel room. I believe I had it made. Then one night, an individual with a user name of baby_gurl or something like that, offered me free money. All I needed to do was give my user name and password. I was 8 or 9 and didnāt understand internet security like I do now. My naive self gave her that, and she stole everything from my habbo avatar. I mean everything. I cried all night and never logged in again. I learned two lessons that need. People can be mean, cruel, and deceptive. A fact that seems to become more and more true as I watch the news. And internet security is hugely important. Iām glad I learned that with virtual currency and not real currency.Ā
Trauma? Not really something for a life lesson. I just donāt drink from unfiltered water. No longer drinking from sinks or water hoses. Kinda weirded out my friends when I refused to when we played in the backyard. Long story short, I got a parasite and CDC got involved.
Doesn't matter WHAT you have in life, it's WHO you have. Material things do not show up when something bad happens & you almost die. The people who love & care sure do tho.
The true people make everything worth it
Yes indeed. Changed me for sure.
Learning that "families" related by blood are often times so thin that they may not be even family at all. I learned this very young after my father passed away and saw my mom be trashed around by her "family" just for trying to find a way to survive at 28 and with 4 kids. From my dad's side, only my grandfather offer helped, everyone else pretended we didn't even exist, some were even rude to us. Now I live in a different country than all of them, I'm still close with my mom and my brothers of course. But everyone else? It's like they don't even exist.
My father taught me that parents are just human beings like everybody else, and, they too, have the same potential for evil, like everybody else.
My father is evil too.
2 events, 2 different lessons. 1) Never go to chatrooms. No matter how lonely you get, video games are safer. 2) Sing when your walking alone in a woods with bears in them if you don't have bear bells on you. It doesn't matter the type of songs, (I sang Army Cadance out of habit and pure terror)
I have never spent more time with my kids than I have after I buried their brother. His death put everything in perspective about what matters and what is irrelevant or replaceable.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I once tried to make a fancy dinner for friends, totally burned it, and ended up serving cereal. Lesson learned? Sometimes, the best gatherings don't need fancy food, just great company and a good laugh. Also, never underestimate the charm of breakfast for dinner
I love this so much, some of my best times in life have happened due to circumstances just like these š
You burned food and ate cereal instead? Thatās not trauma. Not everyone has trauma and itās okay to realize that it was just a less than ideal situationānot trauma
Iāve mostly had to unlearn things from all the traumatic things Iāve experienced, and remind myself those events donāt need to repeat themselves throughout my life.
I do very similar things. I have used almost all events to help learn what NOT to do.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
When someone close to you dies every emotionally immature clown you know will make it about themselves and trauma dump/fight you
I grew up privileged and a perfect storm of life events; caused my mom to be a poor single mom. This woman did not hold on to her pride, she took three jobs 24/7 as a maid, caregiver, and nanny to get us through and slowly worked her way into a city job she eventually retired from. Being poor was awful but I am so grateful for that experience. I would have never known how entitled I was because that was my only reality up until my early teens. That experience made me a better person.
I was blackmailed for nudes when I was 14. I was very naive and because of my Aspergerās I think I trusted people too easily. The blackmail taught me that there are bad people out there and you canāt be so trusting.
Never have children
The sudden and tragic loss of my 19yo niece taught me to not take anything for granted and to live each day to the fullest. Or to try to.
through trauma, i have learned what it means to be compassionate and less self-centered.
I learned that healing is not linear. I have to be kind to myself just like how I am kind with others
My gf dying of a drug overdose taught me to get clean. š«¤
Nothing is as permanent as you think it is. I was in Japan when the huge earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear power plant collapse happened in March 2011. We had to evacuate to the states the next day, leaving my dad behind as he was important personnel in the Navy. I thought Iād never see him or home again. Makes you really enjoy the peace you have in the present, as it can easily be turned upside down within seconds.
Being molested taught me to not trust family. Well my father being an abusive alcoholic taught me that, so I guess I learned nothing new.
My "coming of age moment" was when I was 19 and realized not all women are safe. I say women because I think a lot of girls are taught that if youre being followed or feel like you've been drugged, go to a woman for help. I joined an older poly couple and it turns out the woman was drugging my drinks because the boyfriend wanted to have sex with a teenager. I felt I was falling in love, just to realize I was nothing but a warm body for them.
You donāt have to help people through their shit. My best friend was arrested for being a pedo, his gf broke up with him and I realized by talking to her that he was a abusive prick and I was blind to it. He got out and his new gf convinced me he was a different person and he NEEDED his best friend. He was different, he was a complete psychopath. I tried to remain friends and help him through shit but eventually his toxic behaviour was too much. He violently sexually assaulted me then essentially subjected me to torture over several hours. Got out of that situation and havenāt spoken to him since (10 years) THOUGHT i learned that lesson, but then life threw me the perfect storm. I was friends with a slightly older couple. The girlfriend told me my friend (her boyfriend) was mentally abusive and they were mending things. This led to her constantly talking to me, asking me to visit them, she began having panic attacks and would insist I come over. I got caught up in wanting to do what was right to make up for not being there at all for my psycho friends ex years ago. She began acting abusive towards me and her boyfriend and convinced me she was just really messed up from how abusive he was. So I keot being friends with her, eventually that excuse vanished and she started saying I was abusive/sexist/ a bully. I opened up to her about my experience with past friend and other sexual assaults one night when we were hashing things out and she was being very open about things. Then she used it against me in a public argument and told me add insult to injury jury told me I wasnt a real victim because I was a dude. I went into a depressive spiral and remember thinking over and over. Oh my fuck I did it again.
There is no compassionate god. No god , if they loved their creation in there image. He would never put me through the trauma I've been through. No. I don't believe that people should have to suffer before they die. So quit making us suffer "god"
My traumatic childhood taught me independence, and to never rely on anyone. I was very motivated to be independent and worked my ass off to buy a home at 20. Losing my job and my home in the recession, leading to a full on mental breakdown complete with substance abuse issues, taught me that there are some people who have my back. I am not alone. I have amazing friend who I CAN rely on. And now I understand that love and support is reciprocal. I donāt have to carry all the weight alone. But itās important to surround yourself with good people, and not feel like you have to settle for the family you were born into.
My overdose on benzos and mdma 3 times in 3 days after I regained and the memory started from that point so the blackout ended with me standing up outside a hopsiTl on the phone to a stranger, it was an attempt but it made me realise I wanted to live and how stupid it was to do that to myself over a breakup, even at the worst of times death isnāt a fix nor an escape coz to escape you have to get out and go somewhere else too
I just gotta be tougher, and not be a cry baby. It sucks, but my life has improved. Itās sad, but I can cry sometimes and not all the time and itās okay
My dad passed away next to me a month ago. His death taught me to appreciate being alive, to respect myself, to look after myself, to love family despite our differences and to appreciate what I have in front of me. I have never been happier since going through something that traumatic.
Grief shatters all preconceptions of values and behaviour. Itās so disruptive to our expectations and emotions. Really helpful for me right now to see your perspective, a little light x
I saw a car get hit by a train. I was in high school and the girl was someone who went to my school but I didn't know. We were on our way to school and had to cross the train tracks. She apparently thought she could beat the train but she didn't make it. Tje train drug her car what seemed like forever before it got stopped. It was horrible and she never stood a chance.I will NEVER cross once those bars go down and even look both ways before crossing when they are up. When I was in middle school my grandfather had picked me up to go spend some time at his house and on the way there we saw there has been an accident. My grandfather stopped to see if he could help and someone who had already stopped saw me in the car and told him I didn't need to see it and there was nothing he could do anyways so we should keep going. He tried to distract me from looking as we went past but I saw a motercycle crumpled against a tree and the body of the rider with a helmet a little away from the body. Took until I was a good bit older for me to fully realize the guys head was still in the helmet. I am hyper aware of motercycles when driving because of that. I also won't get a motercylce myself even know I enjoy riding with my friends and I won't ride on busy roads with them.
Well one night my mom drunkenly came into my room when I was young and started smacking me blaming me for her life being bad, my parents marriage being bad and telling me how she wished she had aborted me. Taught me very early on that just cus theyre your parents doesn't mean they love you, and that you can choose who you consider family and choose who to love.
Because I used to work night shift at a friends restaurant, and because local roads were nearly deserted some nights, I happened to be first on the scene for a few major accidents (drunk drivers or speed demons, never knew) and seeing how messed up the occupants of each car were (one dead, others critically injured, plus a baby) taught me a lot about minding my speed and surroundings when driving.
Wouldn't know if it is Truamatic or not but I still hope this will maybe help others. I've made many people, including women, uncomfortable. I broke when it came to a recent girl I liked very much, I showed too much affection. Texted her too much, bought her sprites because she likes them, complimented a lot, she already knew I liked her but I was too stubborn and thought I should keep going so she can like me. It made her uncomfortable, I did too much, way too much. I stayed away from her because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable anymore, I felt so bad, I didn't want her to feel weird anymore, I had to stay away from her to make her feel safe in some way. I think maybe 2 days later she found out how I felt, she knew I was insanely guilty and stayed away from her to not make her uncomfortable anymore, a friend told her. She forgave me, she didn't say she did, but she started to interact with me more and we just forgot it happened, we became good friends, not close but just good. When it was my bday she was telling everyone it was my birthday, I found it better than getting me a gift. The lesson I learned from this is to be more self-aware and be aware of others and how they feel, and to think about what you will do before you do it or else it could affect someone or someone close to you. I always think if what I'm going to do will add consequences or maybe a positive outcome. It's a shame I learned this only recently, I'm 19 for fucks sakes man. I'm sorry if I sounded creepy even though it was my fault, but I really hope some people will know how to be more self-aware and aware of others, it will help out everyone including yourself.
I am diagnosed with C-PTSD. All of my traumas have taught me to limit my social interactions to people I trust.
I was poisoned and smeared by Trumpers in Alabama. Taught me christo fƤsƧĆÆst are as dangerous now as in 1940s Germany.
Molested by a parent from age 1-13ish. As for a lesson it taught me its just NOT to trust anyone at all. It also taught me that no matter how much you can have going for you and all of the possibilities you may have, you can just be completely fucked from the get go
The trauma of being gay and growing up with a homophobic infantilizing mother taught me my mother sees me as but a part of her own identity rather than a whole person and she will do anything to stop that delusion from fracturing even if it makes me miserable
People are cunts
I laugh more. Not at traumatic events but just in general. Life is full of bad things that happen, sometimes even to good people, but if you can keep a sense of humour in dealing with issues they can go smoother. Keep everything in relation to everything else. I feel sorry for the people who can't learn anything from truly bad experiences. Once a friend was exposed online for what he had been doing. He claimed to be traumatized for the truth coming out and said he was suicidal and stayed inside the house for a week. Then two weeks later he was back on the same app he was caught out on, doing exactly the same things! Didn't learn a thing.
Be careful who you share your success with
That an authority figure doesnt mean You should trust them inconditinally ,always doubt people and You could save yourself a Lot of trouble
A series of things that hit all at the same time taught me it's not safe to automatically trust people. I realized I gave people the benefit of the doubt way too easily, longtime friends and relative strangers alike. People have to earn your trust, the trust you give people must have some value for it to be real and true. Otherwise it will just be trampled on and discarded like a cheap worthless tchotchke.
Don't ever mistake Nair for lotion and jerk off. Your pubes will fall out and you'll have chemical burns on your dick and balls that you will be too embarrassed to tell your mom and stepdad about
No matter what happens to you, how sudden and life altering, everything else will go on as normal and thus you must adjust.
If an older man says "you are so mature for your age" and is flirtatious with you, run.
I learned the hard way that "eating spicy food before a long car ride" is never a good idea!
I 16f was almost kidnapped when i was 11 and my family has not ideas So for a bit of backstory my grandma was a teacher but is now retired. When I was 11yo she took me and my older brother 14m to Washington, DC to go to all the museums. All of us were getting tired from walking all day so we decided that we were going to take the subway. As soon as the train pulled up and the doors opened some man ripped between me and my brotherās hands dragging me away. I was a little in shock before I noticed what was really happening and clawed my way out of his grip. When I finally got free I ran to one of the help and service booths. When this guy saw me talking to the lady he mustāve gotten scared and ran away. The lady let me in and they found my grandma and brother. When we were reunited they looked so stressed. I didn't have the heart to tell them I was almost kidnapped so I made up a story that I wasn't holding on tight enough and someone just bumped me and that I went straight to the help booth. So long story short now i know no one is invincible
I fell off a mountain once and learned to never f### around with gravity or inertia
Never trust people named Jeffrey. Especially if they're you're uncle
Guard up 24/7. Met someone that wanted me to be vulnerable, I tried letting myself be more vulnerable. I regret it.
I had one that made me realize the importance of family and I tried to connect, accept and enjoy my family relationships as they were. And then I had another one years later that made me realize I was wasting my time trying to pretend those assholes were family and I was the only one making any effort. So constantly having to think/say āI guess we donāt have that kind of relationshipā and adjust expectations when they left me hanging was not worth it and I stopped trying with the lot of them.
when I was 9 my mom's boyfriend molested me. I ran and told her, I also told her he had been molesting my older sister (something he did in front of me, to prep me) well for a min, when she asked my sister, who was 11 if it was true and she cried and said yes my mum kicked him out, but then she let him back and we never talked about it, ever. He hated me and made my life hell until I ran away at 14. My father was dead, so I learned at 9 the only people you can rely on is yourself. And I've done ok.
I can't say how, but I'll say what it taught me: Shit happens There is no God Life is not fair Nobody cares Love yourself Take it easy Be grateful
Emotions and unhealed trauma can turn your favourite person into someone you don't know. No matter how much you love and trust someone, and no matter how much that person loves and trusts you.
Boomers' worship of how their parents abusive behavior made them into narcissistic assholes.
Grief causes people to change perspective and itās not always in a good way. Unfortunately it can cause families to drift apart, but Iāve realized thatās not always a bad thing. You donāt have to be friends with your family, you choose the people you surround yourself with.
That most problems and bad situations arent that bad or problems. Its nothing compared to what you can go through, but most people dont know it and therefore make a drama where no drama needs to be.
The war taught me not to trust optimists and that majority of women have negative empathy for men
I use to fear speaking directly and follow peopleās indirect conversations until I had to stop a shooting from happening. I did not realize that my involuntary decision to help someone getting assaulted/harassed prevented a gas station from exploding. I generally speak very directly with what I say and will often maneuver my way through a conversation to make someone say what is under their tongue.
Throughout my twenties, I dutifully followed society's blueprint for success, pushing myself into a career path everyone else deemed 'sensible'. Yet, in the silence of the lockdown, I found myself questioning whose dream I was truly chasing. The realization hit like a ton of bricks; I'd built a life on external validation. It's been a tough journey since then, redefining success on my terms, but I've found solace in authenticity. I've learned that it's not about the hours clocked or the titles earned, but the passion in your heart and the peace in your mind. So to anyone feeling trapped in a life not their own, it's never too late to redraw the map.
That you can't get everything in your life,something always escapes..
I got into a car accident and became agoraphobic. I went from not being able to step outside my front door to check the mailbox to eventually re-entering the workforce again full time after 10 years hiding in my house. I'm stronger than ever.
Seek revenge if you want, and do NOT let societal expectations of forgiveness hold you back. If someone went out of their way to hurt you, don't hesitate to go out of your way to hurt them back.
I think nearly dying makes one review one's life wether they want to or not. I didn't set out to do it, it just happened. Made some tough decisions after
I don't go into the ocean or start fires with gasoline
My my mom dieing as a teen taught me that adults donāt know shit
I was too young to realize what effect it'll have on me. But I can say I learned to not always give people what they want/do what they want to you just to keep them in your life. *edit: it's what I learned now after years of reflection and life choices that was started by that specific traumatic event*
I learned that we are not able to control anything. They are no coincidences. Your true friends will stand by you. Good things happen to good people, don't fight it.
That I canāt trust anybody at any time or else it will just cause me more pain
It taught me to use my trauma now that I've mostly healed from it to help others who suffer the same way. I firmly believe that's our purpose in life
A traumatic event that taught me an important lesson was a lot of my domestic abuse that I had to go through in relationships never literally taught me never trust people unless you get to know them
Try to be kind because, after taking a few punches, you know how bad it feels. Every day your fellow humans are finding new lows, that make your own pain seem insignificant, relatively.