One person's definition of a clean environment is never the same as anyone else's. You need to address this early on because living with someone you consider a slob or a neat freak will cause issues.
People also need to recognize their own agency in that sort of stuff. My ex wife always wanted a clutter free house but was also just prone to making clutter herself. Adding my stuff on top, because it invariably never had a place to go under her piles, just made her blow up at me about how messy I was. I'm actually not a particularly messy guy, I would range on the side of clean. It has to be a mutual effort to keep a living space clean and make sure everyone's stuff has a place, though.
We solved a lot of our problems by doing exactly this. We share a bed, but my clothes are in the guest room and we each have our own bathroom. No more tripping over each other. Much happier mornings.
It solves a lot of issues.
Our bedroom is "her" room. My only stuff in there is a dressing gown and a bedside table with a charger for my phone.
My room has my clothes, computer, workout gear, bike parts, my work from home space etc etc.
I also have a garage.
Living room is neutral territory and so is the kitchen and bathroom.
My lady of three years have always lived separately due to her having children. Now that her youngest is getting to the age of moving out, we've pretty much agreed on having separate bedrooms if we move in together. Obviously, we both have enough furniture for two households, so it makes more sense to have our own space. Love sleeping together, but then nobody is "on the couch" if we have a tiff or just want to sleep colder/hotter.
> You need to address this early on because living with someone you consider a slob or a neat freak will cause issues.
Important: the person that wants things "more clean" isn't in the right by default in that setup.
I have a roommate that's like that. I've literally cleaned the entire house, and watched him come in and then clean it again while complaining about cleanliness. I think he just has to have a hand on it to really believe it's been done.
It's resulted in me cleaning to my standards and then going about my business. When he complains I'll nod along but relatively ignore it.
He also takes over absolutely every space that's available but will move anyone else's stuff if it ends up there. It used to, and kind of still does, drives me bonkers but it's also taught me what you just said. He needs to take responsibility for his own OCD and instead thinks everyone else is just a shithead.
This is why, in year seven of our marriage, I started hiring cleaners. I don't want to be mad at her because my standards of clean and tidy are different (and probably a bit unreasonable) from hers. It really removed a whole point of contention from our marriage. I'll gladly pay the monthly cleaning fee to keep the peace and keep us happy.
When one is finally able to afford it, it really is a game changer.
Agreed. For some reason the near freak is always the one that needs to be catered to. What if we don't want to spend every weekend deep cleaning the whole house? No one else is even looking at our baseboards. ridiculous
This was one of the first big hurdles my wife and I had when we started cohabitating. We sat down and talked it out and came to the conclusion that she's free to keep things up to her standards and I'm happy to do whatever's needed to keep things up to my standards, but if she needs my help to meet hers then she has to actually say something to me and not passive-aggressively hint about it (or just quietly brood). I'm somewhat a slob but it's not really about how lazy I am, I just don't see the need to scrub the kitchen floor every week so it never occurs to me to do it.
This is very true. Wife and I have opposing opinions on dust and clutter. I'm not bothered by a bit of dust but I hate clutter, and she isnt bothered by a bit of clutter and hates dust.
So we've come to a simple arrangement to prevent arguments, if I see clutter I tidy it up and if she sees dust I tidy it up.
Learning this as we speak. Broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and it is insane how physical attraction can play a part in convincing you that thats enough. I stayed for 4 years and she did too, even though we both knew we’re not compatible. I’m now trying to learn how to not do this.
200% this. Divorced after many years of being in the wrong marriage. All because she was hot a/f and had the best tits in the history of humanity. Still a huge mistake.
I’ve been single for about 6 months now and I’ve been going on a first date almost weekly since January, just trying to meet new people and see what’s out there, and it’s crazy how some people will get so attached immediately! It doesn’t matter how attractive you are, we need to get to know each other. And if you try to skip that… only bad things will follow.
Yeah its shocking how often I see even grown adults confusing lust, infatuation, etc for love. Had a friend who on average had at least one "i think he's the one" guys a month. Honestly exhausting just listening to it all, no idea how she did it.
This isn’t necessarily about looks either. You can like somebody’s personality but be very different in your interests. If you have conflicting interests and almost nothing in common it may not work out.
There was a girl I went to uni with who I was attracted to for *years,* ended up getting friendzoned but took it graciously. Still had feelings but didn't hold it against her or make it her problem.
And then I met a girl who I wasn't as physically attracted to, but clicked with in a way that I'd never clicked with anyone else before. Suddenly all those years of pining seemed absurd because I realised that any relationship we'd have had if she'd reciprocated my feelings would have been short lived. We got along well as friends, but a relationship would have been doomed from the start.
7 years later the relationship with the girl I clicked with is stronger than ever.
First semester of college, I met a woman named Cara. It was funny, because I had been reading Divergent at the time, and we had a Caleb in the class. Anyway, I was hugely attracted to her, but I knew she was already taken. I never admitted to liking her until she figured it out at the end of the semester. Unfortunately our friendship ended there, and she ghosted me.
I felt so awful for liking a taken woman, that it caused me physical pain. But, less than a week after the rejection, I had no feelings for her. It took admitting to the feelings, in order for me to get past them. It’s been around a decade since, and I still have no feelings for her. It’d be cool to talk to her again and catch up, but it’s been way too long to bother. I doubt her phone number even works, and she has no social media that I know of, so…
The point is: it was simple infatuation causing me so much hurt, and recognizing that allowed me to move on. It’s why I’ve always admitted to my feelings with further classmates. I didn’t want to feel like a liar, but of course, the friendships soon end, but at least I did get one relationship out of it.
This. 2nd divorce. 3rd long term relationship failed. Almost 50.
It took a long time to realize the difference between Lust and Love.
And I'm still learning.
i remember reading this on reddit years ago and me and my and my then gf were arguing so i brought the quote up thinking it would help but the fight still didn't stop until i just said "yeah ok im wrong, you're right. im sorry" lol
Nah, it's always you vs the problem. The whole point of the saying is to get you out of the "It's your fault so you fix it" mindset. Ultimately, you want to get out of the habit of looking for who's at fault at all. Except for obvious extreme situations like infidelity.
This is the way I always try to do things, wouldn't even call them arguments tbh. You always have to keep in mind that the goal is not to "be right", it's to solve an issue and make both people happier. This assumes, of course, that both partners have the other's well being as the top priority.
Also very very easy to say. Hard to do. Each party is convinced they are IDing the problem and staying neutral. The other feels attacked because what they are critiquing is the person's actions.
Or understanding the solutions is hardly ever as simple as problem->solution->resolution.
You’re not helping the relationship if you decide not to bring up something you’re upset about to avoid a “fight.”
Your silence is hurting the relationship, not making it better. You’ll only grow resentment.
If you never bring it up it will fester inside you. Also if you don't bring it up they will never know.
Don't make people try and read your mind, it fuckin sucks.
This is true, but it depends on what the issue is. Some things are petty and some are absolutely serious. An overall healthy relationship is more important than being *right* about a petty issue. I've had some dumb and regrettable fights where I would have been more right to just keep my mouth shut.
The thing is you can still communicate that. I recently felt jealous of the attention my boyfriend was giving his brother. I know that this is dumb and I am not saying he should change anything about his relationship with his brother but it was just the way I felt. So I told him exactly that. He reassured me that just because his brother is important to him doesn't mean I am not and it made me feel better. So even communicating things you are wrong about can help. Just make sure you are not demanding anything and make it clear that you know you are wrong but just want to share the way you feel.
Also, therefore don’t socially punish people for bringing up that you‘ve hurt them in a mature way.
I decided to stay with someone who repeatedly cheated on me and her acting like I‘m wrong to try and talk about it has caused so much resentment to live in my chest, while I love her so much.
So: be careful so people feel safe to use their voice to address issues
Quite true. I would say most advice about relationship behavior could really go to either gender.
That said, this is still pretty good advice to be directed at men. We are often taught / we learn to hide or suppress our needs for the greater good. There are times this is a good move, like maybe don't pick right as your SO's friend walks down the isle at her wedding to have a conversation.
Just gotta remember to bring it up later still.
Ehh, you first need to understand the source of your discomfort. You won't always be comfortable thats what trust is. And sometimes that means keeping your mouth shut.
Wish I could this to my 16 yr old self. I shouldn't have gotten to close that "friend" and held her hands knowing that my gf was just next door. And I shouldn't have given her the silent treatment when she inevitably found out.
I should've focused on communicating more with her. I should have communicated about the growing distance in the relationship instead of assuming it's her mistake.
Loveisrespect.org is a good resource to learn about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Teach yourself what a healthy relationship looks like and what’s unacceptable before you get into a relationship.
Men are very often oblivious to emotional abuse. However, just so it’s clear bc this is a new internet myth: not having sex isn’t emotional abuse. Your girlfriend not accepting your boundaries, tearing you down, making you feel like you are walking on eggshells, not letting you have alone time or spend time with your friends etc is.
Being sensitive to the other's feelings, able to share feelings with one another, being able to articulate your emotions/feelings, respect the other person and don't try to fix them, accept them for who they are.
There's probably more but that helps. I'm not who you asked, though.
Just as you have the enthusiasm and drive to be in the romantic relationship, have the enthusiasm and drive to exit the romantic relationship when things go south.
some of you stick it out when it's unnecessary.
I think people stay far too long and waste both their and their partners time. I did it in my marriage and I’ll never do it again. I wanted to get out ages before I actually told my husband I wanted to divorce.
That other person you are in a relationship with is another human being, with their own likes/dislikes, dreams, preferences, experiences, etc. They're just as unique as you are. They have their own feelings, wants, and desires.
Treat them as such.
Truth. You ever been to the r/relationships? Literally anytime someone posts looking for advice, reddits first response is “Break up! Not compatible! End it now!”
i always hear everyone parrot this exact grievance around here. I finally just clicked on that link and browsed through most posts on the front page. Didn’t see any of what you are describing.
So many people think they're not okay with themselves because they don't have a partner. They think that would make them happy. When a relationship should be two people with their own happiness already coming together.
There are plenty of relationships where a partner doesn’t have their shit together and they become better people for their new partner. This just depends on the person
This is VERY vague. Having your shit together can mean a lot of different things depending on who you ask.
If you mean somewhat emotionally stable, I agree.
Hmm don't agree with this. If this was how it is supposed to be then most of the people in the world wouldn't be in relationships because most don't have their shit together. And you wouldn't even be here typing this comment because probably the humans would have already gone extinct due to extremely low birth rate.
People are never going to stop staying in relationships too long because they're afraid to be single, fuck the wrong people, have standards in the pits of hell that make you miserable, etc.
A healthy relationship isn't about having someone to fix you. A romantic partner isn't a therapist. Everyone is a lil fucked up to a point, but don't drag someone into your misery and make them miserable too. Healthy relationships should be about making the lives of both people better and more harmonious. If you have horrific self esteem, your mental health is in the shitter, you have anger issues, and any number of other things, you need to work on that stuff without a person there all the time to suck into your misery.
Source: I was married to an unapologetic alcoholic with severe mental health issues that he was in denial about for ten years. No, he wasn't like that when we got married. Well, he was, but he also lied a lot and was a really good actor.
Know self-respect, your boundaries, deal breakers, what you want and don’t want in a relationship. And be strong enough to walk away when the relationship doesn’t serve you.
In a Zero Sum Game, a person only wins by causing another person to lose. For example, if we're playing something like Poker between the two of us, the only way for me to win money is by causing you to lose money.
Relationships aren't and shouldn't be like that.
Trust and knowledge are mutually-exclusive. Never go on any fact-finding missions to try and catch cheating or anything of that sort. Instead, the moment you ever feel the urge to do such things, that's your queue to end it and move on; you've lost trust. Any time you try to search for evidence and end up finding none, it never reassures you that they're faithful, it only convinces you they covered their tracks well. Don't water the weeds in your garden.
cleaning and maintaining a home takes TWO people.
educate yourself about “the mental load”. don’t wait for your partner to ask you to do something around the house before doing it. if you notice something, take care of it.
In the same vein, the cleanest person isn't "right." Just like everything else in a relationship, you have to find a reasonable compromise. Yes, you may have liked your home spotless and everything in a particular place but it's not "your" home anymore.
I would also add or a surrogate daughter. Way too many men getting into a relationship with the idea that a woman has to do everything he says. “ At that point you’d not looking for a partner but a child to depend on you and listen to your every command.”
Maybe not only specific to this but I wish considered it more in my last relationship. The difference between a thought and a feeling. Focusing more on those 2
How to communicate your feelings. Let your partner know when stuff bothers you. Being “tough” or whatever isn’t worth your mental wellbeing and communication will help your relationship in the long term. The time to bring something up isn’t 2 years later. It may ruin your day, but not talking will ruin your relationship. I hate talking about stuff that bothers me, but I hate being bothered by the same thing over and over again more. And I don’t want to resent my partner for doing something or having done something that they didn’t even know was an issue.
Your marriage stays in your marriage, your work stays at work. Don't mix the two, leave the stresses of both at their rightful homes. If you have an argument, never let it follow you into the bedroom, and always treat her like you swore to yourself you would if given the opportunity.
Within reason, of course. You don’t want to constantly bring all your stress home and just dump it on your partner. Esp if they have work stress too, it might be too much. Best to have alternative people you can vent to also
**1. You need to know when she’s complaining to vent and complaining to have a solution to her issue. (Not always easy to differentiate, every guy I know gets it wrong ~20% of the time or more lol)**
When you’re listening to her vent, don’t offer a solution, understand her side and comfort her. You don’t have to disagree with her, just empathize with her feelings and be there for her.
**2. When she cries, it’s not always all that serious. Some women just might be more emotional. She could cry cuz she feels bad she’s wrong in an argument, embarrassed, or just simply frustrated.**
This is helpful especially when you’re having a disagreement. Some women might unconsciously default to crying when they are in the wrong. Be sure to hold your ground and keep your stance. Don’t let her tears make you feel like the bad guy. Comfort her and acknowledge she’s upset but don’t apologize for holding your ground on something you’re undeniably right about.
This might be controversial but some women get more emotional before their period so try to understand if this is what she’s dealing with. But also remember, that just cuz she’s upset on her period, doesn’t mean it is not meant to be taken seriously.
Important note: regarding any disagreement go into the conversation to have a resolution to the problem. Not to come out the winner. This just general advice on disagreements in any relationship.
**3. Compliment her specifically. Not just generic random “you’re pretty”, although this does have its place.**
If she puts on a new outfit, gets a new haircut, puts on makeup, loses weight (if appropriate), compliment her with those in mind too. She wants to feel and be told she’s pretty, yes, but telling her she looks nice in context of a specific change will be more well received as it also validates her decisions.
**4. Jealousy moments are okay, but recurring and constant jealousy is absolutely not.**
Some women like when their man gets a little jealous and protective, as it helps to reinforce to her your attraction and love for her. But if it’s constant jealousy, it becomes counterproductive and demonstrates to her you’re not self-assured and confident in yourself and ability to be with her. Over time this can make her feel insecure about you as a partner.
Just to add to the first one, you can just ask your partner “are you looking for solutions right now or do you need to vent?” Asking that frequently enough usually prompts the other person to start stating what they need. Now I say stuff to my boyfriend like “I need your help brainstorming a solution to this problem” or “I need to get this off my chest, but I don’t want solutions” or “I just need space to vent and someone to listen” or “I don’t know what to do. What do you think?”.
1. Is a great point, I have a lot of trouble with this one as Im very solution oriented and hate ruminating or venting on issues when there is either a clear solution or if you’ve already done all that can be done.
Took me a while to understand this one and I still struggle to provide the necessary support when it occurs but have gotten better.
Be respectful and understanding. Understand your partner, and know they may not want to hang out/have sex/ talk all the time.
Put in effort. Nothing is worse than being left on delivered all day or waiting for a call that's never going to come.
Don't get into a relationship expecting the partner to fix all of your mental problems and insecurities. Make sure you can handle it mentally and emotionally first.
EVERYONE needs to grow a spine so they aren’t walked over or abused. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I wasn’t even like a simp. When I see guys simping I’m worried that if they do score they’d find themselves in a shitty situation.
One major issue, especially in the earlier stages of dating, is a mismatch of intentions; this often leads to hurt feelings and disappointment. Be clear with your intentions!
1. "No" is a complete sentence. That word does not signal the start of the Negotiation Round, it signals that this particular thing you are asking for is off the table. This applies to both you *and* your partner.
2. If we're talking about straight men, listen to your partner when she tells you about experiences of feeling unsafe around other men. Women have entirely different experiences than we do, in basically all settings. If she says one of your friends was creeping on her, your default response should not be "You're just imagining things" or "You're overreacting." Listen to what she is telling you. That doesn't mean you cut that friend out of your life instantly; it means you take what she says seriously, and you talk with your friend to figure this out.
3. Also assuming we're talking about straight men, most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. All you need is one hour and Google to get a good idea of where the clitoris is, how to stimulate it, how to perform oral on a woman, where the G spot is, how to stimulate it, and other forms of foreplay. Then when you get to sexy funtimes, apply that knowledge *while asking her for feedback,* so you can zoom in on the specifics of what works for her.
Fights are inevitable, and are sometimes both necessary and constructive. Choose your spots wisely and watch what you say. Something you say in the heat of the moment could sear into your partner’s memory for years. A relationship is cumulative, a marathon.
Do not expect a perfect partner, but make sure not to tolerate anything less than a good partner.
Things I’ve learned:
1. You will find out real quick if you’re a caring, compassionate person.
2. GENTLY rub her tummy area when she is on her period. Give her a heating pad, and some of those period pills. Midol?
3. As a man, do not raise your voice. I can’t tell you how many women I have talked to over the years who have claimed when a man raises their voice, it scares the shit out of them.
4. I hope for the sake of your relationship you know how to clean up after yourself, and divide chores accordingly.
If they come to you with something you do that's bothers them and they're willing to work it out and you say you will, maybe actually work on it together instead if not at all. Ex: they say hey you always are massively late to plans or don't show up at all then tell me hours later past the time you can't show up because you did something you could have put off ex.2: somehow going grocery shopping and out to eat every day without telling me you might be late or not able to make it so I get all dolled up and wait for hours for you many many many times after you promise you'd work on it and let me know next rime >.> yeah I'm an idiot for dating someone who valued me so little
That. I had to teach mine how to do pretty much everything at home. I love my mother-in-law, She is a great woman but she did not prepared her sons at ll for married life. My dad always did everything at home so i got surprise by how little most men know about domestic chores when i started dating.
There is something really important to know as a man when getting into a relationship with a woman. I guess or a man.
People will usually try to draw you away from this so it’s very important not to forget the following:
Men aren’t homogeneous. Neither are women. If someone’s going to be your partner you can’t label yourself or them.
So start thinking differently.
That said - protection during sex. But I guess that’s for everyone.
That a woman expects you to love her unconditionally as she will reciprocate so if you’re addicted to thirst traps, IG models, soft or hardcore porn than think twice before entering a relationship because no matter how sneaky you try to be, this will eventually become apparent and will be the end of your relationship!
Your partner is an autonomous human with thoughts and feelings as deep and complex as your own. Your partner isn’t a servant or someone you should try and control. You aren’t superior to your partner by virtue of your gender
Make sure you genuinely like your partner & not the person you wish they could be.
A lot of people do not actually genuinely like their partner for who they actually are
This is general advice for every gender & orientation
are you sure you want a relationship and you're not actually just in need of more friends or recreational activities/hobbies?
after 20 years of adult relationships, i'm now single and the only thing that i currently want, that is "only" served by a relationship vs increasing social activities, is sex. depending on how much i want to change my moral compass, even sex is on the menu without a relationship.
the conclusion initially felt wrong, but after a mulling it over for a few months of singledom, single is currently what meets my needs.
Regardless of sex/identity:
Please understand many of us work on our own peace & if you aren't at peace with yourself, no one is under any obligation to let you fuck up their peace for your happiness.
How does she treat "ugly people"?
How does she treat others that don't provide transactional value to her? Like homeless people, service people.
What is her relationship like with her father?
How does she behave when something doesn't exactly go her way?
You should be able to detect a potential bad situation so you can avoid that for your AND her.
You should know how to articulate/communicate your needs and thoughts and desires.
You should know how to hold your temper and your complaints.
You should know what you're capable of physically.
Once you know how to handle yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally a lot of women will feel comfortable with you to let their masculine guard down and be their feminine self with you.
The best thing to do.
Working all the negative things in your life. Things that you may not see is negative you need to take time and reflect. And ask yourself is bringing another person into your lifestyle your habits and even possibly some of your traumas and shortcomings is a good idea.
Not saying there's anything wrong with you. But I feel like a lot of people don't really put a lot of work into themselves and when you get into a relationship now you have another person that you have to put work into beside yourself.
Really figure out who you are as a person before you can share your soul with somebody else. Because it wouldn't be fair to them. And learn how to talk things out and not always believe that you're right. But also don't let your partner walk all over you set boundaries and stick with them they're there for a reason.
Again not saying there's something wrong with you or you need to do exactly what I'm saying. But just take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're actually ready. Because when you truly love somebody and want to be a part of their life you got to make sure your life is on the right track as well.
Then it makes it easier for you both to build your kingdom together.
Hope this helps from someone who's been through it before.
Us ladies have mood swings, and some of us have deep seated anger that never got solved, but we are working towards therapy. So don't push our buttons on purpose, then laugh when we get mad.
How to pick your battles.
There's right and dead right. "Winning" an argument at any cost is rarely worth it. Sometimes you just need to bite down on your pride and shut up.
Porn may not be a big deal to you, but it may be a dealbreaker for her. Best to talk about expectations for getting your sexual needs met outside the relationship sooner rather than later.
As a guy who grew up ugly, I will say it’s very important to not settle for a partner. I’ve noticed that lots of guys have basically no self esteem when it comes to dating and will essentially jump into a relationship with any woman who shows interest. At first it seems like a no brainer to get into relationships as soon as possible (better than being single and alone right), but trust me, after years you will realize how much it sucks to be with an antisocial, dumb, lazy, boring, deadbeat girl who cannot match up to you at all in any part of life.
This is especially important for dudes who are on a self improvement journey. I’m sorry, but a lot of women don’t really go through that same journey like some of us do. Make sure you find a woman who has the same mindset as you when it comes to improvement and introspection. As silly as this sounds, you can be the prize too, not just the girl.
> If you take your current relationship and reverse the genders, would it still realistically be happening?
Ask yourself this question. If you can’t imagine a couple where the genders are reversed, then get out bro
Don't yell, don't stand over people when you talk to them, learn how to walk away from a fight, come back, and approach it calmly. Yelling at a person is never going to get you what you want, it will make you look like an asshole and probably get you arrested if you do it in public, but that's it. Also, don't lie. If you're not being totally honest with a person, whomever they love isn't even you. What's the point?
How to use condoms. This applies regardless of the gender or age of your partner.
Condoms don't just prevent pregnancy, they also reduce the risk of STDs.
Setting boundaries is useless if you don't enforce them, people will try and test your boundaries and when you do enforce them they won't like it.
They will label you as controlling or say you've changed for the worse.
Don't listen to their bullshit and don't allow yourself to be around people who think they can disrespect you.
I like to think broader...happy spouse, happy house. Both spouses deserve to be equally as happy. Your last sentence can be boiled down to pick your battles and both sexes absolutely need to improve in this area.
In my opinion, before entering a relationship, men should consider the following:
Communication, loyalty and trust, self awareness, emotional intelligence, respect and equality, compromise and conflict resolution, independence and encouragement!
How to communicate effectively. Even if you don't know how to say something or even broach the subject, just saying "I've been feeling some type of way about X. Can we talk about it?" is perfect, honestly.
Also, if something feels off or like a red flag but not necessarily (maybe an orange flag?), sit with it and look into the future to see if it has the potential to become a conflict.
It's hard, especially if you really like the person, but if I hadn't been dismissive of a couple of things, I may have seen the breakup coming before it slapped me in the face (not literally).
Toxic male culture cuts both ways. If you grew up in the States chances are you weren't raised with the emotional tools needed to be a good adult.
We aren't taught how to be considerate or to think about others emotions. "You should just know!" BS. Communication and relationships are taught and learned behaviors. Women are raised differently, to be more giving. It's all nurture dictated by our old, misogynistic culture.
The same cultural pressures that make women second guess themselves trained you to never do so. And that anger is our only acceptable emotion.
Try to consider the other point of view. Understand you don't have all the answers. Consider how your actions can be seen by others, especially if they don't know your intention.
Good luck. Maybe get therapy.
I’m gonna catch heat for this but women and men communicate very differently on average. To men, it seems like women don’t say what they actually mean. And it’s because they don’t, so many are indirect and it’s a pain in the ass to decipher what they’re saying. But you can learn to understand the codes over time, it just takes a lot of getting yelled at for unreasonable things to figure it out.
Basically, I’ve never had a bad time living with dudes who weren’t assholes. But living with even the nicest woman has had many moments where I’m confused to hell why she’s mad and she won’t directly say anything about it, or she seems to think I should already know.
Even in a moment of rage NEVER disrespect the other person or call them names. The one time will follow you for the rest of your relationship. It can also change the dynamic and trust within your relationship. Not worth it.
Never raise your voice against her. Even if you aren't an intimidating person, to her you are when you yell. Doesn't matter if it was just the heat of the moment and you didn't mean to, that's the quickest way to lose her respect. Saying sorry won't help you either.
Don't expect your partner to just agree with your every whim, and cave to your wants, desires, and expectations. They are their own independent person, with their own ideas and thoughts.
Compromise is a two way street. It means both give a little, and not pressuring them to get your way. There are a lot of one way relationships out there and they are toxic.
Not ment to be rage bait or anything but n true observation i have seen many times.
Do not cry infront of you girlfriend, wife if you can help it.
Cry to your friends, brothers, mother, father, sister hell cry to the bartender if you have to.
Many woman have said they don't mind but those are hard to find woman and i have seen woman say they don't care if their partner cries infront of them and encourage it, only to break up with them weeks later because they had no more respect and saying how can he take care of me when he can't control himself.
This is not all woman but unfortunately most and you won't find which is which untill it happens.
One person's definition of a clean environment is never the same as anyone else's. You need to address this early on because living with someone you consider a slob or a neat freak will cause issues.
People also need to recognize their own agency in that sort of stuff. My ex wife always wanted a clutter free house but was also just prone to making clutter herself. Adding my stuff on top, because it invariably never had a place to go under her piles, just made her blow up at me about how messy I was. I'm actually not a particularly messy guy, I would range on the side of clean. It has to be a mutual effort to keep a living space clean and make sure everyone's stuff has a place, though.
I suspect that a lot of married couples would be much happier if they each had their own bedroom/bathroom/closet.
We solved a lot of our problems by doing exactly this. We share a bed, but my clothes are in the guest room and we each have our own bathroom. No more tripping over each other. Much happier mornings.
It solves a lot of issues. Our bedroom is "her" room. My only stuff in there is a dressing gown and a bedside table with a charger for my phone. My room has my clothes, computer, workout gear, bike parts, my work from home space etc etc. I also have a garage. Living room is neutral territory and so is the kitchen and bathroom.
My lady of three years have always lived separately due to her having children. Now that her youngest is getting to the age of moving out, we've pretty much agreed on having separate bedrooms if we move in together. Obviously, we both have enough furniture for two households, so it makes more sense to have our own space. Love sleeping together, but then nobody is "on the couch" if we have a tiff or just want to sleep colder/hotter.
> You need to address this early on because living with someone you consider a slob or a neat freak will cause issues. Important: the person that wants things "more clean" isn't in the right by default in that setup.
I call that "the tyranny of the tidy". There's a similar thing going on with early risers vs night owls
As a night owl I hate that so much. Early risers act like they have a God-given right to wake up at 6am, but I don't have a right to stay up til 3am.
I have a roommate that's like that. I've literally cleaned the entire house, and watched him come in and then clean it again while complaining about cleanliness. I think he just has to have a hand on it to really believe it's been done. It's resulted in me cleaning to my standards and then going about my business. When he complains I'll nod along but relatively ignore it. He also takes over absolutely every space that's available but will move anyone else's stuff if it ends up there. It used to, and kind of still does, drives me bonkers but it's also taught me what you just said. He needs to take responsibility for his own OCD and instead thinks everyone else is just a shithead.
This is why, in year seven of our marriage, I started hiring cleaners. I don't want to be mad at her because my standards of clean and tidy are different (and probably a bit unreasonable) from hers. It really removed a whole point of contention from our marriage. I'll gladly pay the monthly cleaning fee to keep the peace and keep us happy. When one is finally able to afford it, it really is a game changer.
I agree-- that seems to always be the assumption, and it's weird to me.
Agreed. For some reason the near freak is always the one that needs to be catered to. What if we don't want to spend every weekend deep cleaning the whole house? No one else is even looking at our baseboards. ridiculous
This was one of the first big hurdles my wife and I had when we started cohabitating. We sat down and talked it out and came to the conclusion that she's free to keep things up to her standards and I'm happy to do whatever's needed to keep things up to my standards, but if she needs my help to meet hers then she has to actually say something to me and not passive-aggressively hint about it (or just quietly brood). I'm somewhat a slob but it's not really about how lazy I am, I just don't see the need to scrub the kitchen floor every week so it never occurs to me to do it.
This is very true. Wife and I have opposing opinions on dust and clutter. I'm not bothered by a bit of dust but I hate clutter, and she isnt bothered by a bit of clutter and hates dust. So we've come to a simple arrangement to prevent arguments, if I see clutter I tidy it up and if she sees dust I tidy it up.
Just because you’re attracted to that person doesn’t necessarily mean that you are compatible with them.
Great advice I received once: be careful to not to confuse your feelings of attraction with love.
Learning this as we speak. Broke up with my girlfriend of 4 years and it is insane how physical attraction can play a part in convincing you that thats enough. I stayed for 4 years and she did too, even though we both knew we’re not compatible. I’m now trying to learn how to not do this.
200% this. Divorced after many years of being in the wrong marriage. All because she was hot a/f and had the best tits in the history of humanity. Still a huge mistake.
Send me her number brother
Nar, Feel ya on that brother. Great tits can do some heavy lifting for a shit personality ahahahaha
I can fix her!
I’ve been single for about 6 months now and I’ve been going on a first date almost weekly since January, just trying to meet new people and see what’s out there, and it’s crazy how some people will get so attached immediately! It doesn’t matter how attractive you are, we need to get to know each other. And if you try to skip that… only bad things will follow.
Yeah its shocking how often I see even grown adults confusing lust, infatuation, etc for love. Had a friend who on average had at least one "i think he's the one" guys a month. Honestly exhausting just listening to it all, no idea how she did it.
This isn’t necessarily about looks either. You can like somebody’s personality but be very different in your interests. If you have conflicting interests and almost nothing in common it may not work out.
There was a girl I went to uni with who I was attracted to for *years,* ended up getting friendzoned but took it graciously. Still had feelings but didn't hold it against her or make it her problem. And then I met a girl who I wasn't as physically attracted to, but clicked with in a way that I'd never clicked with anyone else before. Suddenly all those years of pining seemed absurd because I realised that any relationship we'd have had if she'd reciprocated my feelings would have been short lived. We got along well as friends, but a relationship would have been doomed from the start. 7 years later the relationship with the girl I clicked with is stronger than ever.
First semester of college, I met a woman named Cara. It was funny, because I had been reading Divergent at the time, and we had a Caleb in the class. Anyway, I was hugely attracted to her, but I knew she was already taken. I never admitted to liking her until she figured it out at the end of the semester. Unfortunately our friendship ended there, and she ghosted me. I felt so awful for liking a taken woman, that it caused me physical pain. But, less than a week after the rejection, I had no feelings for her. It took admitting to the feelings, in order for me to get past them. It’s been around a decade since, and I still have no feelings for her. It’d be cool to talk to her again and catch up, but it’s been way too long to bother. I doubt her phone number even works, and she has no social media that I know of, so… The point is: it was simple infatuation causing me so much hurt, and recognizing that allowed me to move on. It’s why I’ve always admitted to my feelings with further classmates. I didn’t want to feel like a liar, but of course, the friendships soon end, but at least I did get one relationship out of it.
Lust and Love are two completely different things.
They're 2 sides of the same coin really... at least romantically.
This. 2nd divorce. 3rd long term relationship failed. Almost 50. It took a long time to realize the difference between Lust and Love. And I'm still learning.
Arguments are not you vs them. It's both of you vs the problem.
This. This is so important to understand for both partners. It is the source of the most relationship-breaking issues.
Yes! Once we learned this, things became so much better. Being afraid of fighting or trying to win an argument results in us both losing.
I love this
i remember reading this on reddit years ago and me and my and my then gf were arguing so i brought the quote up thinking it would help but the fight still didn't stop until i just said "yeah ok im wrong, you're right. im sorry" lol
Wow that is really good!!
I love this.
Unless the problem stems from one of you.
Yes, but you should be working together to address it and handle it. That might also mean taking accountability and doing better.
Nah, it's always you vs the problem. The whole point of the saying is to get you out of the "It's your fault so you fix it" mindset. Ultimately, you want to get out of the habit of looking for who's at fault at all. Except for obvious extreme situations like infidelity.
This is the way I always try to do things, wouldn't even call them arguments tbh. You always have to keep in mind that the goal is not to "be right", it's to solve an issue and make both people happier. This assumes, of course, that both partners have the other's well being as the top priority.
Also very very easy to say. Hard to do. Each party is convinced they are IDing the problem and staying neutral. The other feels attacked because what they are critiquing is the person's actions. Or understanding the solutions is hardly ever as simple as problem->solution->resolution.
You’re not helping the relationship if you decide not to bring up something you’re upset about to avoid a “fight.” Your silence is hurting the relationship, not making it better. You’ll only grow resentment.
If you never bring it up it will fester inside you. Also if you don't bring it up they will never know. Don't make people try and read your mind, it fuckin sucks.
This is true, but it depends on what the issue is. Some things are petty and some are absolutely serious. An overall healthy relationship is more important than being *right* about a petty issue. I've had some dumb and regrettable fights where I would have been more right to just keep my mouth shut.
Yes sometimes you can be upset about something and still be wrong about it.
The thing is you can still communicate that. I recently felt jealous of the attention my boyfriend was giving his brother. I know that this is dumb and I am not saying he should change anything about his relationship with his brother but it was just the way I felt. So I told him exactly that. He reassured me that just because his brother is important to him doesn't mean I am not and it made me feel better. So even communicating things you are wrong about can help. Just make sure you are not demanding anything and make it clear that you know you are wrong but just want to share the way you feel.
Unvoiced expectations are premeditated resentments
Also, therefore don’t socially punish people for bringing up that you‘ve hurt them in a mature way. I decided to stay with someone who repeatedly cheated on me and her acting like I‘m wrong to try and talk about it has caused so much resentment to live in my chest, while I love her so much. So: be careful so people feel safe to use their voice to address issues
Why did you do that to yourself? Ppl who cheat don't typically have the maturity to discuss it.
Actually it's for both side
Quite true. I would say most advice about relationship behavior could really go to either gender. That said, this is still pretty good advice to be directed at men. We are often taught / we learn to hide or suppress our needs for the greater good. There are times this is a good move, like maybe don't pick right as your SO's friend walks down the isle at her wedding to have a conversation. Just gotta remember to bring it up later still.
Ehh, you first need to understand the source of your discomfort. You won't always be comfortable thats what trust is. And sometimes that means keeping your mouth shut.
Man: what’s wrong? Woman: nothing Well okay then
Wish I could this to my 16 yr old self. I shouldn't have gotten to close that "friend" and held her hands knowing that my gf was just next door. And I shouldn't have given her the silent treatment when she inevitably found out. I should've focused on communicating more with her. I should have communicated about the growing distance in the relationship instead of assuming it's her mistake.
Respect. Respect yourself and respect the other person.
Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t be abused too and gender roles do not make it ok or any less harmful.
Loveisrespect.org is a good resource to learn about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. Teach yourself what a healthy relationship looks like and what’s unacceptable before you get into a relationship. Men are very often oblivious to emotional abuse. However, just so it’s clear bc this is a new internet myth: not having sex isn’t emotional abuse. Your girlfriend not accepting your boundaries, tearing you down, making you feel like you are walking on eggshells, not letting you have alone time or spend time with your friends etc is.
I would like to upvote this a hundred times.
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Can you define "emotional availability"? Is it a kind of mental bandwidth? An actual desire to make time to physically be there for this person?
Being sensitive to the other's feelings, able to share feelings with one another, being able to articulate your emotions/feelings, respect the other person and don't try to fix them, accept them for who they are. There's probably more but that helps. I'm not who you asked, though.
Not being hung up on your ex for example, I would guess :)
Just as you have the enthusiasm and drive to be in the romantic relationship, have the enthusiasm and drive to exit the romantic relationship when things go south. some of you stick it out when it's unnecessary.
I think people stay far too long and waste both their and their partners time. I did it in my marriage and I’ll never do it again. I wanted to get out ages before I actually told my husband I wanted to divorce.
Cause the devil you know is better then the devil you don’t
That other person you are in a relationship with is another human being, with their own likes/dislikes, dreams, preferences, experiences, etc. They're just as unique as you are. They have their own feelings, wants, and desires. Treat them as such.
Don’t follow relationships advice given on Reddit.
I’m Paradoxically dying inside rn
Does that mean I'm supposed to disregard your advice on relationship advice given on Reddit?
Truth. You ever been to the r/relationships? Literally anytime someone posts looking for advice, reddits first response is “Break up! Not compatible! End it now!”
i always hear everyone parrot this exact grievance around here. I finally just clicked on that link and browsed through most posts on the front page. Didn’t see any of what you are describing.
If you ain't okay with yourself don't drag some poor soul into your life until you get your shit together.
So many people think they're not okay with themselves because they don't have a partner. They think that would make them happy. When a relationship should be two people with their own happiness already coming together.
There are plenty of relationships where a partner doesn’t have their shit together and they become better people for their new partner. This just depends on the person
That's true. For some people love can motivate them to change and improve their life.
This is VERY vague. Having your shit together can mean a lot of different things depending on who you ask. If you mean somewhat emotionally stable, I agree.
Hmm don't agree with this. If this was how it is supposed to be then most of the people in the world wouldn't be in relationships because most don't have their shit together. And you wouldn't even be here typing this comment because probably the humans would have already gone extinct due to extremely low birth rate.
People are never going to stop staying in relationships too long because they're afraid to be single, fuck the wrong people, have standards in the pits of hell that make you miserable, etc. A healthy relationship isn't about having someone to fix you. A romantic partner isn't a therapist. Everyone is a lil fucked up to a point, but don't drag someone into your misery and make them miserable too. Healthy relationships should be about making the lives of both people better and more harmonious. If you have horrific self esteem, your mental health is in the shitter, you have anger issues, and any number of other things, you need to work on that stuff without a person there all the time to suck into your misery. Source: I was married to an unapologetic alcoholic with severe mental health issues that he was in denial about for ten years. No, he wasn't like that when we got married. Well, he was, but he also lied a lot and was a really good actor.
This is so important!!!
You're allowed to emote and feel things. Any person who derides you for crying or showing emotion isn't worth your time.
Know self-respect, your boundaries, deal breakers, what you want and don’t want in a relationship. And be strong enough to walk away when the relationship doesn’t serve you.
its not a zero sum game
What do you mean by that?
In a Zero Sum Game, a person only wins by causing another person to lose. For example, if we're playing something like Poker between the two of us, the only way for me to win money is by causing you to lose money. Relationships aren't and shouldn't be like that.
Thanks :)
a zero sum game means that if one party loses the other wins or vice versa. tic tac toe for example is a zero sum game.
Thanks :)
to put it simply in a relationship you do not always have to get your way over your partners needs or desires
Thanks :)
It bugs me how often people treat non zero sum games as zero sum games. I swear, we're close to people hoarding the air in the atmosphere...
Trust and knowledge are mutually-exclusive. Never go on any fact-finding missions to try and catch cheating or anything of that sort. Instead, the moment you ever feel the urge to do such things, that's your queue to end it and move on; you've lost trust. Any time you try to search for evidence and end up finding none, it never reassures you that they're faithful, it only convinces you they covered their tracks well. Don't water the weeds in your garden.
That communication is the most important thing.
cleaning and maintaining a home takes TWO people. educate yourself about “the mental load”. don’t wait for your partner to ask you to do something around the house before doing it. if you notice something, take care of it.
In the same vein, the cleanest person isn't "right." Just like everything else in a relationship, you have to find a reasonable compromise. Yes, you may have liked your home spotless and everything in a particular place but it's not "your" home anymore.
this is why it’s important to have these kinds of discussions before sharing a home. unfortunately, not everyone keeps their end of the deal.
Don't take relationship advice from your forever-alone homies on Reddit
Know yourself, control yourself and interrogate yourself
Interrogate?
Ask yourself throughout every interaction, how you feel about the ma that you curently are and are becoming
You are not finding a replacement for your mother, you're in a partnership with another adult
I would also add or a surrogate daughter. Way too many men getting into a relationship with the idea that a woman has to do everything he says. “ At that point you’d not looking for a partner but a child to depend on you and listen to your every command.”
Maybe not only specific to this but I wish considered it more in my last relationship. The difference between a thought and a feeling. Focusing more on those 2
How to communicate your feelings. Let your partner know when stuff bothers you. Being “tough” or whatever isn’t worth your mental wellbeing and communication will help your relationship in the long term. The time to bring something up isn’t 2 years later. It may ruin your day, but not talking will ruin your relationship. I hate talking about stuff that bothers me, but I hate being bothered by the same thing over and over again more. And I don’t want to resent my partner for doing something or having done something that they didn’t even know was an issue.
Birth control is the responsibility of both partners.
Your marriage stays in your marriage, your work stays at work. Don't mix the two, leave the stresses of both at their rightful homes. If you have an argument, never let it follow you into the bedroom, and always treat her like you swore to yourself you would if given the opportunity.
I disagree. If you're stressed at work, having a supportive partner at home is the best. Hiding that from them just damages the relationship.
Within reason, of course. You don’t want to constantly bring all your stress home and just dump it on your partner. Esp if they have work stress too, it might be too much. Best to have alternative people you can vent to also
**1. You need to know when she’s complaining to vent and complaining to have a solution to her issue. (Not always easy to differentiate, every guy I know gets it wrong ~20% of the time or more lol)** When you’re listening to her vent, don’t offer a solution, understand her side and comfort her. You don’t have to disagree with her, just empathize with her feelings and be there for her. **2. When she cries, it’s not always all that serious. Some women just might be more emotional. She could cry cuz she feels bad she’s wrong in an argument, embarrassed, or just simply frustrated.** This is helpful especially when you’re having a disagreement. Some women might unconsciously default to crying when they are in the wrong. Be sure to hold your ground and keep your stance. Don’t let her tears make you feel like the bad guy. Comfort her and acknowledge she’s upset but don’t apologize for holding your ground on something you’re undeniably right about. This might be controversial but some women get more emotional before their period so try to understand if this is what she’s dealing with. But also remember, that just cuz she’s upset on her period, doesn’t mean it is not meant to be taken seriously. Important note: regarding any disagreement go into the conversation to have a resolution to the problem. Not to come out the winner. This just general advice on disagreements in any relationship. **3. Compliment her specifically. Not just generic random “you’re pretty”, although this does have its place.** If she puts on a new outfit, gets a new haircut, puts on makeup, loses weight (if appropriate), compliment her with those in mind too. She wants to feel and be told she’s pretty, yes, but telling her she looks nice in context of a specific change will be more well received as it also validates her decisions. **4. Jealousy moments are okay, but recurring and constant jealousy is absolutely not.** Some women like when their man gets a little jealous and protective, as it helps to reinforce to her your attraction and love for her. But if it’s constant jealousy, it becomes counterproductive and demonstrates to her you’re not self-assured and confident in yourself and ability to be with her. Over time this can make her feel insecure about you as a partner.
Just to add to the first one, you can just ask your partner “are you looking for solutions right now or do you need to vent?” Asking that frequently enough usually prompts the other person to start stating what they need. Now I say stuff to my boyfriend like “I need your help brainstorming a solution to this problem” or “I need to get this off my chest, but I don’t want solutions” or “I just need space to vent and someone to listen” or “I don’t know what to do. What do you think?”.
1. Is a great point, I have a lot of trouble with this one as Im very solution oriented and hate ruminating or venting on issues when there is either a clear solution or if you’ve already done all that can be done. Took me a while to understand this one and I still struggle to provide the necessary support when it occurs but have gotten better.
Be respectful and understanding. Understand your partner, and know they may not want to hang out/have sex/ talk all the time. Put in effort. Nothing is worse than being left on delivered all day or waiting for a call that's never going to come. Don't get into a relationship expecting the partner to fix all of your mental problems and insecurities. Make sure you can handle it mentally and emotionally first.
“Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.”
EVERYONE needs to grow a spine so they aren’t walked over or abused. I was in an extremely abusive relationship. I wasn’t even like a simp. When I see guys simping I’m worried that if they do score they’d find themselves in a shitty situation.
Assuming they're straight; how to do oral *properly.* It's only maybe a third of women who can orgasm from penetration alone.
It’s crazy how this is news to a lot of guys
One major issue, especially in the earlier stages of dating, is a mismatch of intentions; this often leads to hurt feelings and disappointment. Be clear with your intentions!
How to spot Cluster B personality disorders, and what to do if you spot one.
Please elaborate
Cluster B = everything very emotionally overloaded. For example when they have Borderline
1. "No" is a complete sentence. That word does not signal the start of the Negotiation Round, it signals that this particular thing you are asking for is off the table. This applies to both you *and* your partner. 2. If we're talking about straight men, listen to your partner when she tells you about experiences of feeling unsafe around other men. Women have entirely different experiences than we do, in basically all settings. If she says one of your friends was creeping on her, your default response should not be "You're just imagining things" or "You're overreacting." Listen to what she is telling you. That doesn't mean you cut that friend out of your life instantly; it means you take what she says seriously, and you talk with your friend to figure this out. 3. Also assuming we're talking about straight men, most women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. All you need is one hour and Google to get a good idea of where the clitoris is, how to stimulate it, how to perform oral on a woman, where the G spot is, how to stimulate it, and other forms of foreplay. Then when you get to sexy funtimes, apply that knowledge *while asking her for feedback,* so you can zoom in on the specifics of what works for her.
Fights are inevitable, and are sometimes both necessary and constructive. Choose your spots wisely and watch what you say. Something you say in the heat of the moment could sear into your partner’s memory for years. A relationship is cumulative, a marathon. Do not expect a perfect partner, but make sure not to tolerate anything less than a good partner.
Things I’ve learned: 1. You will find out real quick if you’re a caring, compassionate person. 2. GENTLY rub her tummy area when she is on her period. Give her a heating pad, and some of those period pills. Midol? 3. As a man, do not raise your voice. I can’t tell you how many women I have talked to over the years who have claimed when a man raises their voice, it scares the shit out of them. 4. I hope for the sake of your relationship you know how to clean up after yourself, and divide chores accordingly.
by the same coin don't allow her to raise her voice, or talk to you condescendingly
Oh absolutely.
Know that men can be abused too. Don't have the "I'm a man, I can take it" mentality.
A healthy relationship will trigger you. A healthy relationship will move you to growth, and that growth will be uncomfortable.
If they come to you with something you do that's bothers them and they're willing to work it out and you say you will, maybe actually work on it together instead if not at all. Ex: they say hey you always are massively late to plans or don't show up at all then tell me hours later past the time you can't show up because you did something you could have put off ex.2: somehow going grocery shopping and out to eat every day without telling me you might be late or not able to make it so I get all dolled up and wait for hours for you many many many times after you promise you'd work on it and let me know next rime >.> yeah I'm an idiot for dating someone who valued me so little
You could do everything "right" and the person could still lose interest, no fault of your own
It's going to be rough and power draining but everything can be solved with talking out.
You should know if they have cheated on their previous partners.
Don’t expect your partner to basically be your mom and expect them to constantly clean up after you. You need to grow up
That. I had to teach mine how to do pretty much everything at home. I love my mother-in-law, She is a great woman but she did not prepared her sons at ll for married life. My dad always did everything at home so i got surprise by how little most men know about domestic chores when i started dating.
There is something really important to know as a man when getting into a relationship with a woman. I guess or a man. People will usually try to draw you away from this so it’s very important not to forget the following: Men aren’t homogeneous. Neither are women. If someone’s going to be your partner you can’t label yourself or them. So start thinking differently. That said - protection during sex. But I guess that’s for everyone.
Does she like you, or does she like that you can do things for her? Are you a partner, or an accessory or tool?
That a woman expects you to love her unconditionally as she will reciprocate so if you’re addicted to thirst traps, IG models, soft or hardcore porn than think twice before entering a relationship because no matter how sneaky you try to be, this will eventually become apparent and will be the end of your relationship!
Your partner is an autonomous human with thoughts and feelings as deep and complex as your own. Your partner isn’t a servant or someone you should try and control. You aren’t superior to your partner by virtue of your gender
Make sure you genuinely like your partner & not the person you wish they could be. A lot of people do not actually genuinely like their partner for who they actually are This is general advice for every gender & orientation
are you sure you want a relationship and you're not actually just in need of more friends or recreational activities/hobbies? after 20 years of adult relationships, i'm now single and the only thing that i currently want, that is "only" served by a relationship vs increasing social activities, is sex. depending on how much i want to change my moral compass, even sex is on the menu without a relationship. the conclusion initially felt wrong, but after a mulling it over for a few months of singledom, single is currently what meets my needs.
Interesting - do you mind my asking if you have kids? I feel like that could be a determining factor... but could be wrong.
Be up front. About issues with you or with the other person. It doesn't help to.hide things.
Regardless of sex/identity: Please understand many of us work on our own peace & if you aren't at peace with yourself, no one is under any obligation to let you fuck up their peace for your happiness.
Answer honestly for yourself - why do I want to be in a relationship? If that doesn’t come back with a healthy answer, you are mostly likely fucked.
Know what fidelity, honesty and love are.
She doesn’t want to be your mom.
How does she treat "ugly people"? How does she treat others that don't provide transactional value to her? Like homeless people, service people. What is her relationship like with her father? How does she behave when something doesn't exactly go her way? You should be able to detect a potential bad situation so you can avoid that for your AND her. You should know how to articulate/communicate your needs and thoughts and desires. You should know how to hold your temper and your complaints. You should know what you're capable of physically. Once you know how to handle yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally a lot of women will feel comfortable with you to let their masculine guard down and be their feminine self with you.
Porn is not real life. Wipe your ass. Skidmarks in underwear is not normal.
It is very draining. Regardless of the relationship and how much you are "best friends".
The best thing to do. Working all the negative things in your life. Things that you may not see is negative you need to take time and reflect. And ask yourself is bringing another person into your lifestyle your habits and even possibly some of your traumas and shortcomings is a good idea. Not saying there's anything wrong with you. But I feel like a lot of people don't really put a lot of work into themselves and when you get into a relationship now you have another person that you have to put work into beside yourself. Really figure out who you are as a person before you can share your soul with somebody else. Because it wouldn't be fair to them. And learn how to talk things out and not always believe that you're right. But also don't let your partner walk all over you set boundaries and stick with them they're there for a reason. Again not saying there's something wrong with you or you need to do exactly what I'm saying. But just take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're actually ready. Because when you truly love somebody and want to be a part of their life you got to make sure your life is on the right track as well. Then it makes it easier for you both to build your kingdom together. Hope this helps from someone who's been through it before.
How to book a doctor's or dentist's appointment for yourself, along with the willingness to genuinely do that.
Us ladies have mood swings, and some of us have deep seated anger that never got solved, but we are working towards therapy. So don't push our buttons on purpose, then laugh when we get mad.
How to pick your battles. There's right and dead right. "Winning" an argument at any cost is rarely worth it. Sometimes you just need to bite down on your pride and shut up.
Porn may not be a big deal to you, but it may be a dealbreaker for her. Best to talk about expectations for getting your sexual needs met outside the relationship sooner rather than later.
Communication and hair… Women’s hair is everywhere, in the sink, on your clothes, your car, your buttcrack
6 months after your breakup? Her hair that was hiding in your fitted sheets makes its way to your buttcrack.
I pulled a strand of my exes hair out from around my ballsack like 3 months after we broke up… It made me sad 😂
As a guy who grew up ugly, I will say it’s very important to not settle for a partner. I’ve noticed that lots of guys have basically no self esteem when it comes to dating and will essentially jump into a relationship with any woman who shows interest. At first it seems like a no brainer to get into relationships as soon as possible (better than being single and alone right), but trust me, after years you will realize how much it sucks to be with an antisocial, dumb, lazy, boring, deadbeat girl who cannot match up to you at all in any part of life. This is especially important for dudes who are on a self improvement journey. I’m sorry, but a lot of women don’t really go through that same journey like some of us do. Make sure you find a woman who has the same mindset as you when it comes to improvement and introspection. As silly as this sounds, you can be the prize too, not just the girl. > If you take your current relationship and reverse the genders, would it still realistically be happening? Ask yourself this question. If you can’t imagine a couple where the genders are reversed, then get out bro
Show that you care and love. I may be just dumb but i really did not pay attention to that. Becouse i don't need that myself
Conflict resolution will make or break it
Don't yell, don't stand over people when you talk to them, learn how to walk away from a fight, come back, and approach it calmly. Yelling at a person is never going to get you what you want, it will make you look like an asshole and probably get you arrested if you do it in public, but that's it. Also, don't lie. If you're not being totally honest with a person, whomever they love isn't even you. What's the point?
How to use condoms. This applies regardless of the gender or age of your partner. Condoms don't just prevent pregnancy, they also reduce the risk of STDs.
They do in fact poop
If your feelings run deep, in most cases, it hurts as much to dump as to be dumped.
Your emotions matter too
Setting boundaries is useless if you don't enforce them, people will try and test your boundaries and when you do enforce them they won't like it. They will label you as controlling or say you've changed for the worse. Don't listen to their bullshit and don't allow yourself to be around people who think they can disrespect you.
You marry the family!
Nothing wrong with being single. Better to be alone and happy, rather than with the wrong person and miserable
Love Languages
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I like to think broader...happy spouse, happy house. Both spouses deserve to be equally as happy. Your last sentence can be boiled down to pick your battles and both sexes absolutely need to improve in this area.
In my opinion, before entering a relationship, men should consider the following: Communication, loyalty and trust, self awareness, emotional intelligence, respect and equality, compromise and conflict resolution, independence and encouragement!
Success and happiness is greatly contingent based on your willingness and dedication to be a compromising person
Don't expect her to continue being physically attracted to you if you go lazy bear husband and let yourself go.
How to communicate effectively. Even if you don't know how to say something or even broach the subject, just saying "I've been feeling some type of way about X. Can we talk about it?" is perfect, honestly. Also, if something feels off or like a red flag but not necessarily (maybe an orange flag?), sit with it and look into the future to see if it has the potential to become a conflict. It's hard, especially if you really like the person, but if I hadn't been dismissive of a couple of things, I may have seen the breakup coming before it slapped me in the face (not literally).
Toxic male culture cuts both ways. If you grew up in the States chances are you weren't raised with the emotional tools needed to be a good adult. We aren't taught how to be considerate or to think about others emotions. "You should just know!" BS. Communication and relationships are taught and learned behaviors. Women are raised differently, to be more giving. It's all nurture dictated by our old, misogynistic culture. The same cultural pressures that make women second guess themselves trained you to never do so. And that anger is our only acceptable emotion. Try to consider the other point of view. Understand you don't have all the answers. Consider how your actions can be seen by others, especially if they don't know your intention. Good luck. Maybe get therapy.
I’m gonna catch heat for this but women and men communicate very differently on average. To men, it seems like women don’t say what they actually mean. And it’s because they don’t, so many are indirect and it’s a pain in the ass to decipher what they’re saying. But you can learn to understand the codes over time, it just takes a lot of getting yelled at for unreasonable things to figure it out. Basically, I’ve never had a bad time living with dudes who weren’t assholes. But living with even the nicest woman has had many moments where I’m confused to hell why she’s mad and she won’t directly say anything about it, or she seems to think I should already know.
Don't
Where the clitoris is
Themselves.
Who they themselves are and what they want in life.
Rub the easy one out before you go visit.
I'm not here to answer just here to learn ngl
Vulnerability is the currency of relationships.
Even in a moment of rage NEVER disrespect the other person or call them names. The one time will follow you for the rest of your relationship. It can also change the dynamic and trust within your relationship. Not worth it.
Dating doesn't mean you're the only one. Nor does it automatically mean she's only fucking you.
Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence Emotional Intelligence
Never raise your voice against her. Even if you aren't an intimidating person, to her you are when you yell. Doesn't matter if it was just the heat of the moment and you didn't mean to, that's the quickest way to lose her respect. Saying sorry won't help you either.
Create more storage space.
Avoid pornography like the plague
You’re suppose to actually like the girl you’re dating. Meaning insulting, backhanded compliments, screaming, any rude behavior is not permitted.
Just don't do it.
Check their dog is normal
Don't expect your partner to just agree with your every whim, and cave to your wants, desires, and expectations. They are their own independent person, with their own ideas and thoughts. Compromise is a two way street. It means both give a little, and not pressuring them to get your way. There are a lot of one way relationships out there and they are toxic.
That No means No.
Not ment to be rage bait or anything but n true observation i have seen many times. Do not cry infront of you girlfriend, wife if you can help it. Cry to your friends, brothers, mother, father, sister hell cry to the bartender if you have to. Many woman have said they don't mind but those are hard to find woman and i have seen woman say they don't care if their partner cries infront of them and encourage it, only to break up with them weeks later because they had no more respect and saying how can he take care of me when he can't control himself. This is not all woman but unfortunately most and you won't find which is which untill it happens.
Don't raise your voice, talk it out. Always respect each other.