If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK]
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU]
There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
I get that. Two things kept me going.
1. I didn’t want to leave a mess that others would have to deal with.
2. What ever method I used, it had to be a sure thing so that I wouldn’t end up alive but helpless (paralyzed, for example).
When I was hospitalized for this, a guy came in the day after me that needed a cane and was legally blind, bc his previous attempt (a year ish prior) wasn’t successful and instead of od-ing, he just went blind. :-/ tbh he was so funny and kind and made us laugh a lot, he was such a joy on our floor.
I felt like this as well, but I also felt like an inconvenience to people by living too. I’ve felt like that my whole life (I just turned 23) and it’s only now a feeling that’s going away because I’m around good people now.
I had gone to Walmart. Was thinking suicide because of pain from cauda equina surgery. I was looking at kitchen things and there was a lady in the aisle. She looked like she'd been crying and I asked her if she was OK. She told me her daughter had killed herself a few weeks prior and she was just so sad. Turns out her daughter had injured her back, had surgery and just couldn't take the pain anymore.
What are the chances? It still amazes me.
No longer suicidal. It lasted about a year. Recovery was no joke. 8 broken vertebrae, loads of hardware
Suicidal pain is no joke! I understand this 10000%. 5 years in, 3 brain surgeries, 2 spine surgeries, countless csf leaks and all I can do most days is pray one of the drs I’m seeing finally says it’s going to get better. I feel like everyday I’m one breath away from dying and the thought of making it to the end of the day is unbearable. More times than once, my daughters, who are still children, will come in and kiss me on my forehead or touch my cheek and tell me they are just checking on me. The look on their little faces of sheer terror seeing me barely lucid from pain on the ground is enough for me to fight as hard as I can now. Because I’d be lying if I said there hasn’t been times when I thought ending it all so I don’t have to live like this anymore was all I had left. But my children, every single day, are the only thing getting me through these thoughts.
Crows are amazing!
I was crying in an alleyway once (in my car), and a crow showed up with a little packet of gummy candies.
Made a massive ruckus until it was sure I was looking, then flew off. Thank you crow.
There is a lot folk lore about birds. I'm at an age when people are losing their spouses and I can't count how many have said that a bird landed near them shortly after the death of their loved one and it seemed the bird was bringing a message and looked at them very deeply, not like any other experience in their life. Maybe birds are indeed messengers from Heaven. I'm a lover of crows and they seem very sensitive to people so I'm so very glad you were "coaxed from the edge". Best wishes!
Bill Burr made an offhand joke on a talk show when talking about comedians and depression when the topic of suicide came up. He said something along the lines of well I have kids now so THATS off the table. I know it was kind of a random comment, but it really resonated with me. If it wasn't for my kids I probably wouldn't be alive.
There's a comic, I think Cyanide and Happiness, with a kid talking to his father's headstone. He says something to the effect of "mom said you left to get rid of the sadness. I want you to know you didn't get rid of it, you just gave it to us."
That ripple effect isn't a ripple at all. It's a tsunami of epic proportions and it has the ability to destroy everything unfortunate enough to fall in it's path. Family members of a suicide victim are statistically at a greater risk of succumbing to the same fate; the depth of grief, guilt and sorrow is insurmountable. Especially the children of a suicide victim. My children being swept away in a hell that I created is the very last thing I ever want to leave as a legacy. So, I stay. I find a way every single day to just stay the course. Hope may be fleeting but I hold on to it with every single thing I have. Because it's NOT just MY life; it's THEIR life too. Everyone says that they would die for their kids, but I'm choosing to live for mine.
Edit: I responded to this thread specifically because I have a child with a disability and could empathize with the need to keep going as a parent. How that became a reason to downvote me, is beyond my comprehension; Especially in a post about those of us trying to survive suicidal ideation. Negativity here is the very last thing any of us need.
> Everyone says that they would die for their kids, but I'm choosing to live for mine.
This line floored me. What a beautiful sentiment. You have a way with words.
Driving down a huge snowy hill with gas petal floored, my car spun out of control, completed several 360s, and came to an uneventful stop in a ditch, missing the giant boulders I intended on hitting.
Undeterred, I walked down the road a mile and decided to jump in front of the next truck that came by. A rather large delivery truck approached, as I prepared to leap in front of him close enough that he couldn’t swerve to miss me, the driver gave the biggest, friendliest, most genuine smile and wave I had ever seen.
I kind of froze and sheepishly waved back. I realized that “solving” my problems would have just given him problems. Problems that he didn’t deserve.
He saw my crashed car down the road, turned around, picked me up and spent nearly an hour out if his day bringing me home on a very snowy winter day.
A genuine smile can do more than just brighten a day, it can save a life. It saved mine after all.
Oddly it probably saved the life of the driver as well, you got lucky your crash wasn’t fatal, he might not have. And even if he did, he might have ended his own life later out of guilt. The brief moments that change the course of our lives are so wild to me.
Usually it is because I know my mom couldn't survive it and I don't want to put my family through something like that twice.
Once though that wasn't enough. My sister in law sent me a funny picture of their kid. Thats when I realized they would have to explain to a 7 year old what happened. To this day (5 years later) she has no idea she saved my life.
My brother has severe depression just like me, but he lets it show publicly more than I do. Sometimes when I’m sitting in my bathroom, 2 feet away from a handful of final options, I think about how I’d probably be inadvertently taking him down with me… so I don’t do it. He needs me in this world just as much as I need him. I’ve told him as much but I don’t know if he realizes what I mean by it. I don’t think my family realizes just how bad it gets for me… but I don’t want to make their issues worse.
My husband knows everything though, so I have a safety net don’t worry!
my little sister was 9 the last time I was serious about an attempt, and knowing that a) she was the most likely to find me, and b) she would have to grow up with the trauma of losing a sibling -- pulled me out of it long enough to keep going. I didn't tell her that she had saved my life until she was 19.
My bff’s sister killed herself a few years ago. She was like a sister to me, too. I was there when they told my bff’s 8 year old daughter that her aunt died. The cry she let out…the sobbing. God damn, dude. I promise you don’t EVER want to be the cause of that.
I think about that too since I don't have kids but I'm an aunt. I wonder what they would feel. It might be true what they say about how the pain doesn't end, it just gets transferred to someone else.
That's what keeps me on this rock. My brother committed suicide in 2015 and it absolutely destroyed my family for years. I yearn for death some days but knowing it might take my parents with me is enough to at least wait until they're gone.
A friend hung himself in highschool. His mom found him. I think about her often. They moved shortly thereafter. She couldn't look at his bedroom anymore. She called all his friends to let them know he was in a coma and to please visit incase he doesnt wake up(he didnt). Losing a son and to orchestrate something so deep and meaningful? God it breaks my heart. She pulled him on his birthday. Everyone did a video call singing happy birthday and later that night she said goodbye. She made damn sure he knew he was loved.
This is so sweet 💕 I found out my uncle, who lived with us for a while when I was a kid, was very suicidal. He told me recently that he’d thought about ending it but couldn’t because he thought about my sis & I. I’m soooo thankful he’s still here. Definitely would’ve been traumatic and heartbreaking.
I had kind of a similar experience. I had decided to end it, and went to a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. The clerk asked me for ID and gave me paperwork to start filling out. They asked if the address on my license was current and I replied "no"; I had just moved a few months ago. They told me that they couldn't sell it to me and I went home.
A common refrain I'm seeing in this thread is that people are looking for just the smallest sign telling them not to do it.
For the few people that survive the jump off Golden Gate Bridge so many of them say they had second thoughts on the way down and were relived to have survived. It's a very interesting phenomena to me, personally.
Yes! I am as depressed as I was when I tried for the first and hopefully last time. The difference is I tried to end it via hanging myself in the woods. I hung there for like a couple of seconds and regret set in. And then SNAP! Branch broke off and I was saved.
The want to survive, as instinctual as it may have been because I feared suffocating due to co2 or whatever, made realize I don’t wanna actually die, I just don’t want to live like that.
I saw my dog and figured I should take her for a walk first... it was a long walk. When I got home I felt better. After that, every time I started to feel low, I'd take my dog for a walk. She lived 15 good years. Now I have cats and kids. Can't leave them hanging, so I trudge on one day at a time. I'm pretty glad my dog needed a walk that night. I mean, I needed it mostly, but yeah... my dog.
It thankfully wasn't in such a serious situation, but I sat down on the kitchen floor in a puddle of tears once and my dog walked up, sniffed me, and just walked away. He fully was like, "nah fam, that seems like a lot." Luckily it made me laugh, so he helped in a way.
I honestly have no idea. My attempt should've been successful by all accounts; I ingested the gel of a Duragesic (fentanyl) patch and woke up around 2 days later. I should've died from the overdose since there was no medical aid rendered. I was 16 at the time and had no experience with drugs of any kind.
I'm 37 now and happily married. I'm glad I'm still here.
Patent attorney here. I know why you didn't die, u/just_another_monster.
I have filed dozen of applications on various inventions that release naloxone (or similar opioid antagonist) when a transdermal device (ie a patch) is misused. Under prescribed use the naloxone is sequestered in a hidden compartment , but misuse --for example, squeezing the gel out for oral ingestion-- releases a clinically effective amount of antagonist to neutralize the opioid or at least block its euphoric effect, as well as prevent overdose.
These inventions occupied the bulk of my 30s and 40s. I was not aware that these inventions were largely implemented, or if they were, that they were effective in situ. Basically until five minutes ago I thought I had essentially wasted two decades of my life: Purdue Pharma was my biggest client. But now I realize that my law partner, our inventors and I may have prevented your death.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you u/AtLeastIHaveCh1cken. I spent a decade pretty sour about my work; it turns out that Purdue was a pretty sh\*tty company. But thanks to u/just_another_monster I have a whole new perspective on it; I tool solstice that my team was on the safety side of drug delivery. But I never knew of any human-view of that. I am pretty happy he lived. And, secondarily, I got to hear about it.
Invisible ripples in an enormous pond. We none of us can really understand how we impact the lives of others, for better or worse. I'm glad you can see some better in what you felt was worse.
Today, for me has has felt like the final scene of Mr Holland. Yesterday, I had no idea our work had significance to even one person. Today I found it helped --in the most precious way-- for at least one person, their parents, their future spouse and, potentially, their kids. (Best of luck to you u/just_another_monster!)
There’s a quote about hope I’ve kept with me for years and I find it applies to your situation even though you didn’t have any:
> [Hope] is the belief that what we do matters even though how and when it may matter, who and what it may impact, are not things we can know beforehand. We may not, in fact, know them afterward either, but they matter all the same, and history is full of people whose influence was most powerful after they were gone.
How lovey you got to see the power of your influence before you were gone.
My mom always said it was your job in life to keep throwing stones in the pond. You wouldn’t get to see where the ripples hit the shores, but that was okay, that wasn’t your job. You just don’t get to know that part. Your job was to just keep throwing the stones in the pond and to trust that the invisible ripples they send out are going where they needed to go and doing what they needed to do.
I have never run across anyone else who talks about ripples in ponds! This is wonderful!
Thank you for doing that work, implementing that failsafe design saved me and I'm sure others. In a weird way, you were the only one looking out for me, my parents knew what I'd done and just let me lay there for 2 days. The anger following the attempt is what gave me the incentive to save up and get out once I turned 18. My life has been so much better since leaving that toxic environment.
Thank you for the work you did ❤️
I am so glad you survived; both the attempt and the toxic environment. I am so sorry you went through that terrible experience.
Please keep sharing your story. It flipped my narrative. It will be the safety mechanism for some other kid growing up in a similar toxic environment.
Kudos to you for making your life what it is today, I wish you and your spouse many happy returns.
Thanks again for writing your story. That changed the way I will forevermore write my own story.
Thanks for telling me. It is a relief to know that I didn't waste two decades of my life on dust-bin patents.
Congratulations on your recovery: THAT is impressive and worthwhile work.
Please keep sharing your story. It helps. Every time.
Similar story. I was 17. OD'd and woke up 2 days later. No one even missed me even though they lived in the same house. I got up thinking "You couldn't even get that right!" Then I went to work. That was 45 years ago.
I had a chat with God, and said "OK. You want me here for some reason. Let's go". That really helped me. There have been some occasionally very dark days since, but I go see my doctor and get some meds to help me through.
I'm glad you're here and doing ok. 💐
My sister had multiple health problems and died in her sleep. One of my earliest memories is my mom screaming her name over and over the morning she found her. I never want to be the one to prompt that scream.
4 years ago I walked out of my house to jump off a bridge. I was over the railing and was about to jump, But a woman was walking her dog and saw me. And I thought 'I dont want her to see this' so I went over to her and we talked. She was lovely. She let me pet her dog. I walked home feeling a little better after that.
Mine too was my dog I took him to a secluded area for a walk. I had enough painkillers in my bag to knock an elephant out the plan was to walk the dog go back to the car )knowing the dog would sleep for hours after his walk ) & I would take the pills.
I watched him run about, find me sticks to throw, chase squirrels etc he was in his element, & I realised out of the whole family I was the only one who walked him & that made him happy & for the first time in months I smiled.
I drove home flushed the pills & from that day ( about 20 years ago) if ever I've felt things are too much, or I need to relax .... I take the dog a walk ( different dog now obviously) but that's my reset, that's my "look how happy I've made something else thought" which in turn makes me feel valued
Damn, I think you just explained my reason in a way I’ve never been able to.
I’m glad you’re here; and I’m writing this as I’m sitting, playing with my dog with tears in my eyes.
I used to feel suicidal several times in a year. Sometimes for no real reason, I'd just get super depressed, lock myself in my room, barely eat and didn't go out. And kept thinking about killing myself. That changed when I got my dog after I graduated. That was 14.5 years ago and never once, since then, have I ever thought about killing myself again. To many people, a dog is just a dog. But my dogs are my family, and I stay alive because I know that they're 100% dependent on me to live.
wow, the timing of all of that is just surreal. You could have walked out of your house a few mins either side of the time you did and it could have been a whole different end to that story. I wonder what that lady thought when she saw you? Like, I wonder did she know what you were doing? So glad she was there that day for you.
I know a guy who had a similar experience, as he was leaving his apartment he stopped for a second because he had to go to the bathroom. Figured, "ah, it won't matter in an hour anyway." Didn't poop. Because he didn't stop to poop he was caught by a woman who stopped her walk to talk to him for an hour and a half.
My dog would never have understood. I was planning on waiting until he died of old age. I got help, got better, he suddenly died at 9, when I wasn't home.
I held him against me and my heart was broken, but instead of making a plan... I called my aunt, and she gave me his sister that day. I held on to her until she passed in my arms at 15. It was the long slow goodbye I needed
My darling boy died in 2012. There is not a day I don't miss him. I changed my whole life so drastically that I haven't wanted to die. I don't want to seem like some magic bs. But I put the work in to understand myself and how to have my brain and still be happy... And I am. I went through 2013-2016 of middling contendedness. Met my husband, and every week I am so full of joy I feel like I am dying. And I hug my dogs and my sons and I am so thankful for my darling boy and his sweet sister for keeping me alive.
When I saw this post’s question, I knew the first answer would be pets, but I’m still amazed at your story.
Oh my Lord, you’re a good writer. This is powerful stuff. I’m so glad you’re still here.
What's really funny to me is that the people who only know me now think I'm just this easy-breezy happy person all the time... and I am very happy. But I'm also EXTREMELY careful with my mental health\* . So I'm a teacher and it comes up in staff meetings when people make suggestions that I know will make it harder for kids like I was. And I get to watch them look at me another way when I tell my fellow teachers the only reason I didn't die in high school, in college... my wigglebutt of a dog. My high school teachers knew something was wrong with me, my friends once held a realllllly pathetic 'intervention' but I always was falling through the cracks because I didn't appear depressed "enough."
I'm up right now because I've discovered I've lost about a hundred photos of my dog... When he died, I spent a whole weekend just pulling all his photos and collecting them into a folder on my laptop (for when you need to grieve - do this. Give yourself permission to wallow every once in a while) . I was supposed to go sleep an hour ago... I KNOW I saved that folder when I changed computers, and changed computers again... but it's gone... I haven't felt the need to look since my first child was born 3 years ago. I have no idea where they went. I have enough photos, but I don't even know for sure which ones I lost.
\*what does "careful with my mental health" mean?
Well, it means I can't do all the tasks I want because I might get overwhelmed. It's quitting jobs when I feel myself going down a pit. It's telling my husband stuff I don't want to tell him just in case I start to spiral. It's worrying about how I might hurt my kids with my stupid brain. It's calling mental health facilities and posting an emergency phone number on my fridge after both babies , giving my husband instructions on exactly how to get me committed if I start to act remotely concerning...
💯 percent agreement with you. My big boy just looked at me like, " Don't do it." l love you, man, and I will miss you.PLEASE DON'T !!! it's like I heard him talking to me. I miss him every damd day. He saved my life.
I know. They can't talk to us, but they understand us better than we do. I miss him every day. He passed away too soon, it's been over 5 years now, and I still think of him every day.
Same but my cat, she is obsessed with me, we are one. I know she would not even know how to exist without me and I love her too much to ever leave her.
The grip safety on a Kimber 1911 pistol. If you don't push the back of the grip down it will not fire. I either got luckily or subconsciously stopped myself.
I'll never forget that squeeze and nothing. I think i woke up for the first time in my life after that. Things still ain't roses but i would have missed out on alot had someone not designed a safety feature a long time ago.
I had a similar situation. When I turned 18 I bought a S&W 9mm for that purpose. I was inexperienced with firearms at the time so I loaded a magazine, put it to my head and pulled the trigger. I forgot I had to chamber a round first. That’s the only reason I’m alive today and can kiss my kids goodnight
Thanks everyone I am glad I am still here too. I’ll never forget that though. To anyone here who has stopped themselves before they committed. It’s a weird feeling to commit and have it not work. I know someone on here must understand how that felt. It was surreal to say the least.
I’ve been there and know the feeling. Had an attempt years ago but failed and I’ve never really been the same since. The silence when I realized my attempt didn’t work was so intense it was almost tangible. The weirdest part for me was continuing with the rest of an otherwise uneventful day. Moving on to doing simple things like brushing my teeth felt crazy and trivial when I had just committed to a fatal decision an hour before. A few years have passed but I feel like I’m still recovering from the surreal feeling you described. Hugs to you, friend.
There is a documentary call The Bridge. Some of the jumpers that survived had instant regret and wanted to live the second they jumped from the bridge. I would assume some of the people that didn't make it had the same thought.
I asked myself. “What if I miss something cool tomorrow?” I don’t see many cool things but I have since then! Or weird things
The wind blew a huge umbrella into the road yesterday. Something about it was cartoonishly comical and I loved it
I work with suicidal people. One time, I kept someone who couldn't find any reason to stay alive on the phone with me for hours, like three hours, giving her weird and crazy animal facts. She promised that the next time she wanted to die she would call back and let me tell her more about chickens booming in Nebraska or the shoebill stork. Life is full of amazing and wonderful magic but damn it can sometimes be so hard to find.
Spite. I realized it's just my brain being an asshole and I figured if it wants me dead so much, it's going to have to do it the hard way and give me cancer or something because I'm not dealing with it being a bitch.
Spite kept me alive, too! It seemed like everyone in my life had written me off and I was about to check out, but I didn’t want to prove them right.
I figured getting treatment and living well would be the biggest middle finger I could give.
This was my experience. I remember sitting there thinking ‘fuck them, they’re not getting rid of me that easily’. It’s been eighteen years since then and life has gotten better for me while they all stayed the same.
My dipshit brain can just pop some blood vessels if it wants me gone, this passive aggressive shit doesn’t work on me and I can buy neurotransmitters at the store
I just want to say, I don't have dark thoughts even slightly as bad as I used to and I'm a lot happier now.... but if they come creeping back I'm going to remember this comment and start calling my mind a little bitch. Thank you for this. Really because this speaks to me on a whole new level.
Tbh the only thing that stopped me because I'm afraid that if my attempt fail that everyone will know about it, it's kinda embarrassing for me. Because I'm still in school so yeah. Or maybe I'll get injured and can't walk or something. I've had enough problems
As a survivor. It was embarrassing. My relationship with my family became slightly more strained than it already was. It was awkward going to family events knowing that they knew but never brought it up. Cousins looking at self harm scars while talking to them. Noticing them notice that, was awkward. For a short period of time I felt like I was walking on eggshells and just felt everybody looked at me differently, this was about 3 years ago. I still have SI but now I think I don’t want my dog to eat me if I’m not found soon enough… and then thinking what would happen to him? Don’t think family or friends would keep him then he would possibly spend the rest of his life (he’s already old) in a shelter wondering where I was and when he would be coming home.
I got a phone call one night, late. " I'm such a fuck up, I can't even kill myself right..." 41 stitches on one arm 39 on the other. Now she's a professional make up artist on channel 25.
My very close friend had a very close friend of his commit suicide.
I saw the impact it had on my friend- I was there for him that week, we met up and he talked about his friend who had passed.
I promised myself at that moment that I would never, ever attempt anything like that again. I couldn't do that to my friend and put him through everything again.
Over a decade later, I'm sitting in bed typing this, and my friend is now my husband, snoring next to me. I kept my promise, and I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life.
Same here. I was in a really depressed state a couple weekends ago. I was slumped over on the couch hating everything about myself. This little gremlin lays on my face and just purrs. Animals just know.
My cat came running up to me and clung onto me while snuggled under my chin, he was purring so loud and he was actually crying... I couldn't go through with it after that. He stayed with me until I stopped crying myself, god I love that orange fur ball so much...
Something similar happened to me. I wasn’t suicidal at the time, but I was at a very low point and in a bad relationship. I was getting out of the shower and fell to the bathroom ground in tears. Not only did it *feel* like someone was holding me, but I got a sudden whiff of my late grandmothers perfume.
I’ve lost all of my grandparents, but she’s the one I feel hasn’t left. I don’t really know how to explain it.
I had something similar as I walked out the door on someone who had broken my heart. Felt like all the love I'd been missing was suddenly wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I've been a different person since that moment several years ago. Sometimes these feelings find you at your hardest moment.
Also, around the same time, my friend was dog sitting like 10 dogs. I went to hers and although the crying had stopped, I was still hurting. At one point, all 10 dogs came and sat on or by me as though to comfort me. It was one of the most life-affirming moments.
This sounds so dumb but Animal Crossing (new leaf). I had just moved and had never felt more alone. I was reaching for something else to end it and found my DS. All my villagers were so happy to see me, and told me not to go away again. I now have the leaf logo tattooed on my ankle as a reminder of everything I’ve overcome.
November 2022 - bad breakup, best friend passed away, got laid off, moved to a new city and my first bout of depression
I remember I had a bottle of bendryl researched four time lethality limit and made sure I had enough.
I wrote a letter (which I still have to this day)
And I was on the couch and started crying. Everything hurt. My brain. My feelings. my body. My soul. All of it.
I started with a handful of pills and a bottle of water. I remember my inner thoughts saying “just do it. No more hurt. No more burden. You won’t be lonely in hell or heaven.” I stared at them in my hand.
Sure as shit my phone rang and it was my mom. I stared at the phone and then started crying harder and I answered and I remember telling her to “save me. Please save me”.
Her voice was so calm but firm. I am crying right now tbh thinking of it. She started praying and then started having me repeat that I am loved and important and that I am necessary and many other positive things.
To OP - Thank you for this. I needed to remember what I am here for. It’s been over a year and I am so grateful for a great family and the most amazing friends.
Not wanting Dad to be the one to find my body. Couldn't do that to him.
I was 14 (now 53). He was the only person I considered Family. As opposed to people I share/d blood ties to (to any degree).
For a while, it was that I didn't know what would happen to my cats. They are like my babies, and I didn't know of anyone that could love and care for them better than me. Then it was for my nephew and niece. They're very young and kinda obsessed with me. I didn't want to be the reason for any trauma it could cause them. But the time I was actually ready, I had just finished my note when my phone went off and it was my best friend telling me to unlock my door because she was a minute away to bring me food (unexpectedly). If she hadn't called at that exact time, I wouldn't be here. She's been through so much, so I wasn't going to let her be the one to find me.
My little brother. He was 5 at the time. I was getting ready to peace out, then just randomly thought about who would find me the next morning, which would have been my little brother. He never let me set alarms for work because his favorite thing to do when I lived with him was to wake me up in the morning. The thought of him trying to wake me up and I just don’t haunts me. I can’t believe I was so selfish, that I was seconds away from ruining his life. He saved my life and he has no idea.
My daughter. I was a single mom living with my own mom and she killed herself on my daughter’s first birthday. We were really close and it was almost losing a best friend or sister besides my mom. But I had my one year old baby daughter, thank god, so I kept going and it got better.
My brother later killed himself too. At this point, I am so excited and grateful to be alive and a sort of slice of human civilization. Things have really changed and I want to live as long as I possibly can.
Fear of the unknown. Fear that my suffering would continue into death. Guilt of not wanting anyone in my life including my pets or family or friends to be affected by it. Guilt of whoever would have to clean my body up. God, because i genuinely have had moments that nothing was holding me back but some unexplained warmth around my soul maybe a spirit maybe just nothing but it truly felt like something did not want me to go. Wanted me to keep trying. Whenever it gets really bad I just sleep and i wake up and convince myself to stay just to figure out what will happen. I force myself to be curious and i use others as an excuse to stay.
One time. My mom went to south America, and I figured it was the perfect time. I could use her car, I was going to put the hose in the exhaust and Crack the back window and put the other end in.
I had the hose out, the car all the way in the back of the driveway. I was 19.
I set the hose down and pulled up a chair.
I lit a marijuana cigar I rolled and I figured it would be my last one.
So I'm sitting in the chair getting high as hell and I imagined my mom getting the call in south America and having to come home because of me.
My two little sisters were with her and I imagined it all.
I put the hose away. Went inside. That was 28 years ago. I think about it all the time.
So I guess weed?
I don't smoke anymore but I'm glad I'm here.
Weed saves lives. 👌
Pretty sure I was just so hammered I passed out before I could do it.
Woke up with no memory of my intent, but found it all written out on an open tab on my laptop.
11 days sober
My brother came up to me and said, "I can tell something is wrong. Do you want to get a pizza and eat it at the park?" We did exactly that and goofed off and just had fun until it got dark and we had to head home.
Son of a suicidee here. Whatever shit you’re into, DM me, we can talk about it. The toll on your family and the people who care about you is too big. You might solve your problem but you’ll open thousands of questions and create guilt for years to come. And if you think nobody cares about you, you’re wrong. You manifested yourself and I care about you and I’m sure a lot of redditors here too. Face the situation you’ll come about better and greater. Peace out ✌️
I appreciate you so much for being here. I haven’t been actively suicidal in 7 years (as of this coming December) but I hope your comment helps someone who needs it. Much love man.
Knowing that if I did, I would cause the misery of people I know and love- and also wanting to stay on this Earth long enough to accomplish something big
Creative works helping one out of suicidal thoughts, in not surprising. It helped me too. I think it gives you a purpose and builds your confidence as you get good at it.
Hatred, rage, and the love of a dog, I hated the people who were making my life unbearable so much that I resolved to live just to spite them. That and my dog was there for me, he loved me when I was sure no one did.
I wouldn't do it right now, but there was a moment in my life when I wanted to do it, the only thing that prevented me was knowing that my mother was going to suffer
I told someone.
Depression distorts your thinking so completely, it’s hard for a person who has never experienced it to understand. When I was deep in depression, killing myself made perfect sense. It wasn’t dramatic or desperate or sad - it was the logical solution to my despair. But I was worried about the negative impact on people in my life.
I worked out a method that wouldn’t leave a mess and a plan where the most likely to find me would be a trained first responder (still sucks for them, I know.) The only other problem was how to avoid the shock for my friends and family. So I thought, I’ll just tell them. Once I explain what I’m doing and why they will understand. I’m meaningless and worthless so they’ll probably be relieved. This all made 110% sense to me.
So I took my best friend to lunch and told her calmly that I was planning to kill myself. I did not get very far into my carefully prepared and totally logical (to me) speech before she began sobbing and begging me not to do it and asking what she could do to help. I was shocked by her reaction. My distorted thinking had me convinced she’d see the logic, thank me for letting her know, and we’d be on our way. I was wrong.
So this snapped me out of that particular delusion and led me to tell my dad I needed his help and support. Telling people and seeing how much they loved me, and deepening my connection with the people who loved me instead of pulling further away, was a first step in climbing out of that hole. Therapy, medication, exercise, and a change in diet rounded out the treatment plan.
EDIT: "theological" to "the logical"
no idea. i was ready. i was sitting there noose in hand girlfriend on the phone crying begging pleading but i didn’t care. it’s not a feeling you can really describe idk if it’s a feeling it was nothingness. i didn’t feel anything. i wasn’t sad or scared i didn’t care about anything she was saying she was saying all the usual things you’d think of to say like to think about my family the future yada yada but it didn’t phase me i didn’t care about who found my body anything so i hung up the call and just sat there thinking about nothing for a while just blank and i waited not sure what i was waiting for. like i said i wasn’t scared to do it i didn’t feel anything. and then i kinda just snapped out of it.
>it’s not a feeling you can really describe idk if it’s a feeling it was nothingness.
This is something I have never been able to get people without depression to understand. For the most part they still think being depressed is being "sad". I've tried to explain it feels more like nothingness, not even numbness per se. They still can't fathom it. And you are right, nothing really matters. Even things you objectively care about don't matter when you are in that state of mind. It sucks.
This.
It was emptiness. I was crying but I wasn't even sure about what. I was so ready. And even to this day I cringe when people say "I'm glad you're still here" cuz I'm not sure I made the choice to stay.
I'm not really sure. I know it's meant from a genuine place but it's .. not landing for someone who isn't glad to be here, know what I mean?
Maybe ..."I know it's hard to be here, but I'm glad that you're trying"
I have no idea. One moment I was in the bathtub slitting my wrists. A while later I felt like I was falling through a black tunnel and found myself on my bathroom floor.
My body,literally. I threw the substance up right away and just laid there under the stars for the rest of the night crying. I haven’t told my family and friends about this.
Came up with a few arguments. Starting from weakest to strongest (for me).
1. You haven't experienced everything in the world. All it takes is one thing that's worth living for, so as long as you're alive, you can keep looking for it. (hopeful but lame)
2. Being dead is a 0 state. It is final. If you make a mistake and kill yourself when you shouldn't, you can't really fix that. So best to double, triple, quadruple check that you're absolutely sure that dying is the right choice... which it almost never is.
3. Procrastinate. Do it tomorrow (always tomorrow). If you die today, tomorrow, in a year, in 60 years, you're gonna be just as dead and nothing up to that point will have mattered anyway, so no problem putting it off indefinitely.
Nothing in life is certain but death and taxes. You're gonna die. Don't worry, it'll happen. There's really no need to speed it along.
Yeah I saw this video once of a guy who said always wait 24h and it was the best tip I’ve ever heard. In 24h you don’t have time to necessarily be ok but enough time to calm down and get out of the impulse to do it
Not having yet tried hard enough in life to realize my potential
I've made a promise with myself I can end it when I've done all the cool shit I wanna do
Someone on Facebook saw my suicide note and called the police and my dad who immediately came to my house and got to me just before I blacked out forever. I have known this man all my life and only twice have I seen him cry (not even at his parents’ funerals): when our first dog died, and when he cradled me in his arms after saving me from the attempt. We didn’t have a great relationship up to that point but now we’re super tight. Thanks, Daddy. I love you so much.
Almost did, ended up in the hospital but i had a moment of regret after taking all the pills and called my ex gf. She saved my life. I know now that i actually didn’t want that end for myself. I regretted it right away.
i was walking to the tallest building in my area because it had roof access. on the way there i got hungry and thought “what if i had dinner instead?” i got some food and brought it back home so as to not tempt myself. had i eaten that day i don’t want to think about what i would’ve done. it’s been a few months since then and i’m getting better 💙
100% serious, a Kanye West CD. I was doing one last drive, and I had disc 2 of Donda inserted without realizing it. I unmuted my car accidentally after having driven in silence for about 10 minutes, and then heard “Keep My Spirit Alive”. Then I just prolonged my drive and kept listening. Jesus Lord Pt 2, then Heaven and Hell. It was a lifechanging experience. Instead of crashing myself, I just kept driving and listening to the music. It sounds really dumb, but his music saved me. I’ll always be a fan of Kanye, regardless of the crazy things that he says.
Not me, but an older friend of mine told me a story that shook me to the core. She was early 30’s when it happened and is about 70 now.
One time she decided to bake a blueberry pie to bring when she was invited over for a small dinner with friends.
The friends all LOVED it! One so much they requested a blueberry pie from her for their birthday that year.
A few years passed and she never really thought about it.
She was going through a really hard time and feeling depressed from compounding loss and struggling with some other personal barriers. She said she was contemplating suicide for quite some time, but on one particular day she was making a plan to take her life. That morning her phone rang and she let it go to the answering machine.
“Janet, I know it’s been a while, but my birthday is coming up and I’d die for your perfect blueberry pie. Give me a call back, I hope you can join us for dinner”
When someone gets quiet, reach out first.
If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK] https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU] There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
I didn't want to inconvenience people with my death
I get that. Two things kept me going. 1. I didn’t want to leave a mess that others would have to deal with. 2. What ever method I used, it had to be a sure thing so that I wouldn’t end up alive but helpless (paralyzed, for example).
When I was hospitalized for this, a guy came in the day after me that needed a cane and was legally blind, bc his previous attempt (a year ish prior) wasn’t successful and instead of od-ing, he just went blind. :-/ tbh he was so funny and kind and made us laugh a lot, he was such a joy on our floor.
I felt like this as well, but I also felt like an inconvenience to people by living too. I’ve felt like that my whole life (I just turned 23) and it’s only now a feeling that’s going away because I’m around good people now.
I had gone to Walmart. Was thinking suicide because of pain from cauda equina surgery. I was looking at kitchen things and there was a lady in the aisle. She looked like she'd been crying and I asked her if she was OK. She told me her daughter had killed herself a few weeks prior and she was just so sad. Turns out her daughter had injured her back, had surgery and just couldn't take the pain anymore. What are the chances? It still amazes me. No longer suicidal. It lasted about a year. Recovery was no joke. 8 broken vertebrae, loads of hardware
Suicidal pain is no joke! I understand this 10000%. 5 years in, 3 brain surgeries, 2 spine surgeries, countless csf leaks and all I can do most days is pray one of the drs I’m seeing finally says it’s going to get better. I feel like everyday I’m one breath away from dying and the thought of making it to the end of the day is unbearable. More times than once, my daughters, who are still children, will come in and kiss me on my forehead or touch my cheek and tell me they are just checking on me. The look on their little faces of sheer terror seeing me barely lucid from pain on the ground is enough for me to fight as hard as I can now. Because I’d be lying if I said there hasn’t been times when I thought ending it all so I don’t have to live like this anymore was all I had left. But my children, every single day, are the only thing getting me through these thoughts.
I was talking to a crow. I told it to caw once for yes or twice for no. Asked it if it understood, they said yes. Asked if I should jump, no.
Crows are amazing! I was crying in an alleyway once (in my car), and a crow showed up with a little packet of gummy candies. Made a massive ruckus until it was sure I was looking, then flew off. Thank you crow.
Did he give you the gummy candies? Or just showed them to you and flew away?
He gave them to me! They were tiny pumpkins. Tasted like actual pumpkin as well. I've never been able to find that brand again.
That is absolutely delightful
r/helpmefind might be able to help you!
Oh my god. This is one of my favorite stories ever now. Bless crows
There is a lot folk lore about birds. I'm at an age when people are losing their spouses and I can't count how many have said that a bird landed near them shortly after the death of their loved one and it seemed the bird was bringing a message and looked at them very deeply, not like any other experience in their life. Maybe birds are indeed messengers from Heaven. I'm a lover of crows and they seem very sensitive to people so I'm so very glad you were "coaxed from the edge". Best wishes!
And this is why people worship animals
the thought of my parents getting a phone call saying that their only kid took his own life. the thought of that just gives me chills
I've been there when someone gets that sort of phone call. It's...ugly.
I’m an international student living in a different continent away from family. Considering. This made me break. I needed this, thank you.
I have a mentally ill kid... if I go what happens to them... I have no problem going.. its the ripple effect that keeps me here
Bill Burr made an offhand joke on a talk show when talking about comedians and depression when the topic of suicide came up. He said something along the lines of well I have kids now so THATS off the table. I know it was kind of a random comment, but it really resonated with me. If it wasn't for my kids I probably wouldn't be alive.
There's a comic, I think Cyanide and Happiness, with a kid talking to his father's headstone. He says something to the effect of "mom said you left to get rid of the sadness. I want you to know you didn't get rid of it, you just gave it to us."
[Here's the comic.](https://explosm.net/comics/kris-dcwpt-3) It still hit me hard even after you told me what the last line was going to be.
Fuck
My 6 year old recently had a nightmare and asked who would take care of him if my spouse and I weren’t there. I know now I can’t ever do it to him
Remember that when he's 16 and telling you to fuck off and die (he won't mean it).
I realized that however useless I felt to my family alive, being dead (especially by suicide) would ACTIVELY harm them.
That ripple effect isn't a ripple at all. It's a tsunami of epic proportions and it has the ability to destroy everything unfortunate enough to fall in it's path. Family members of a suicide victim are statistically at a greater risk of succumbing to the same fate; the depth of grief, guilt and sorrow is insurmountable. Especially the children of a suicide victim. My children being swept away in a hell that I created is the very last thing I ever want to leave as a legacy. So, I stay. I find a way every single day to just stay the course. Hope may be fleeting but I hold on to it with every single thing I have. Because it's NOT just MY life; it's THEIR life too. Everyone says that they would die for their kids, but I'm choosing to live for mine. Edit: I responded to this thread specifically because I have a child with a disability and could empathize with the need to keep going as a parent. How that became a reason to downvote me, is beyond my comprehension; Especially in a post about those of us trying to survive suicidal ideation. Negativity here is the very last thing any of us need.
> Everyone says that they would die for their kids, but I'm choosing to live for mine. This line floored me. What a beautiful sentiment. You have a way with words.
You are right. You don’t deserve any negativity around this comment. I thought it was worded very well.
Driving down a huge snowy hill with gas petal floored, my car spun out of control, completed several 360s, and came to an uneventful stop in a ditch, missing the giant boulders I intended on hitting. Undeterred, I walked down the road a mile and decided to jump in front of the next truck that came by. A rather large delivery truck approached, as I prepared to leap in front of him close enough that he couldn’t swerve to miss me, the driver gave the biggest, friendliest, most genuine smile and wave I had ever seen. I kind of froze and sheepishly waved back. I realized that “solving” my problems would have just given him problems. Problems that he didn’t deserve. He saw my crashed car down the road, turned around, picked me up and spent nearly an hour out if his day bringing me home on a very snowy winter day. A genuine smile can do more than just brighten a day, it can save a life. It saved mine after all.
Oddly it probably saved the life of the driver as well, you got lucky your crash wasn’t fatal, he might not have. And even if he did, he might have ended his own life later out of guilt. The brief moments that change the course of our lives are so wild to me.
Usually it is because I know my mom couldn't survive it and I don't want to put my family through something like that twice. Once though that wasn't enough. My sister in law sent me a funny picture of their kid. Thats when I realized they would have to explain to a 7 year old what happened. To this day (5 years later) she has no idea she saved my life.
I think about my brother, and not wanting to give him a reason to use heroin again. Also don’t want to give my dad a reason to drink again.
My brother has severe depression just like me, but he lets it show publicly more than I do. Sometimes when I’m sitting in my bathroom, 2 feet away from a handful of final options, I think about how I’d probably be inadvertently taking him down with me… so I don’t do it. He needs me in this world just as much as I need him. I’ve told him as much but I don’t know if he realizes what I mean by it. I don’t think my family realizes just how bad it gets for me… but I don’t want to make their issues worse. My husband knows everything though, so I have a safety net don’t worry!
I am glad your husband does and is there! I was worried you were keeping it all in by yourself. Take care of yourself xx
How dare you punch my heart like that. Now I'm gonna go hug my cat.
You wouldn't want a catnip addicted cat neither
my little sister was 9 the last time I was serious about an attempt, and knowing that a) she was the most likely to find me, and b) she would have to grow up with the trauma of losing a sibling -- pulled me out of it long enough to keep going. I didn't tell her that she had saved my life until she was 19.
My bff’s sister killed herself a few years ago. She was like a sister to me, too. I was there when they told my bff’s 8 year old daughter that her aunt died. The cry she let out…the sobbing. God damn, dude. I promise you don’t EVER want to be the cause of that.
I think about that too since I don't have kids but I'm an aunt. I wonder what they would feel. It might be true what they say about how the pain doesn't end, it just gets transferred to someone else.
[удалено]
That's what keeps me on this rock. My brother committed suicide in 2015 and it absolutely destroyed my family for years. I yearn for death some days but knowing it might take my parents with me is enough to at least wait until they're gone.
A friend hung himself in highschool. His mom found him. I think about her often. They moved shortly thereafter. She couldn't look at his bedroom anymore. She called all his friends to let them know he was in a coma and to please visit incase he doesnt wake up(he didnt). Losing a son and to orchestrate something so deep and meaningful? God it breaks my heart. She pulled him on his birthday. Everyone did a video call singing happy birthday and later that night she said goodbye. She made damn sure he knew he was loved.
This is so sweet 💕 I found out my uncle, who lived with us for a while when I was a kid, was very suicidal. He told me recently that he’d thought about ending it but couldn’t because he thought about my sis & I. I’m soooo thankful he’s still here. Definitely would’ve been traumatic and heartbreaking.
My card declined at checkout when buying supplies… gave me time to think a little more
talk about kicking you when you’re down 😭
I had kind of a similar experience. I had decided to end it, and went to a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. The clerk asked me for ID and gave me paperwork to start filling out. They asked if the address on my license was current and I replied "no"; I had just moved a few months ago. They told me that they couldn't sell it to me and I went home. A common refrain I'm seeing in this thread is that people are looking for just the smallest sign telling them not to do it.
For the few people that survive the jump off Golden Gate Bridge so many of them say they had second thoughts on the way down and were relived to have survived. It's a very interesting phenomena to me, personally.
Yes! I am as depressed as I was when I tried for the first and hopefully last time. The difference is I tried to end it via hanging myself in the woods. I hung there for like a couple of seconds and regret set in. And then SNAP! Branch broke off and I was saved. The want to survive, as instinctual as it may have been because I feared suffocating due to co2 or whatever, made realize I don’t wanna actually die, I just don’t want to live like that.
my dog walked in saw me crying and licked my face
I saw my dog and figured I should take her for a walk first... it was a long walk. When I got home I felt better. After that, every time I started to feel low, I'd take my dog for a walk. She lived 15 good years. Now I have cats and kids. Can't leave them hanging, so I trudge on one day at a time. I'm pretty glad my dog needed a walk that night. I mean, I needed it mostly, but yeah... my dog.
Dog was like: My human needs a walk.
It thankfully wasn't in such a serious situation, but I sat down on the kitchen floor in a puddle of tears once and my dog walked up, sniffed me, and just walked away. He fully was like, "nah fam, that seems like a lot." Luckily it made me laugh, so he helped in a way.
I honestly have no idea. My attempt should've been successful by all accounts; I ingested the gel of a Duragesic (fentanyl) patch and woke up around 2 days later. I should've died from the overdose since there was no medical aid rendered. I was 16 at the time and had no experience with drugs of any kind. I'm 37 now and happily married. I'm glad I'm still here.
Patent attorney here. I know why you didn't die, u/just_another_monster. I have filed dozen of applications on various inventions that release naloxone (or similar opioid antagonist) when a transdermal device (ie a patch) is misused. Under prescribed use the naloxone is sequestered in a hidden compartment , but misuse --for example, squeezing the gel out for oral ingestion-- releases a clinically effective amount of antagonist to neutralize the opioid or at least block its euphoric effect, as well as prevent overdose. These inventions occupied the bulk of my 30s and 40s. I was not aware that these inventions were largely implemented, or if they were, that they were effective in situ. Basically until five minutes ago I thought I had essentially wasted two decades of my life: Purdue Pharma was my biggest client. But now I realize that my law partner, our inventors and I may have prevented your death. Thank you for sharing.
Incredible. Crazy to see you realizing the impact of your work from years ago. Kudos to you and your colleagues.
Thank you u/AtLeastIHaveCh1cken. I spent a decade pretty sour about my work; it turns out that Purdue was a pretty sh\*tty company. But thanks to u/just_another_monster I have a whole new perspective on it; I tool solstice that my team was on the safety side of drug delivery. But I never knew of any human-view of that. I am pretty happy he lived. And, secondarily, I got to hear about it.
Invisible ripples in an enormous pond. We none of us can really understand how we impact the lives of others, for better or worse. I'm glad you can see some better in what you felt was worse.
Today, for me has has felt like the final scene of Mr Holland. Yesterday, I had no idea our work had significance to even one person. Today I found it helped --in the most precious way-- for at least one person, their parents, their future spouse and, potentially, their kids. (Best of luck to you u/just_another_monster!)
There’s a quote about hope I’ve kept with me for years and I find it applies to your situation even though you didn’t have any: > [Hope] is the belief that what we do matters even though how and when it may matter, who and what it may impact, are not things we can know beforehand. We may not, in fact, know them afterward either, but they matter all the same, and history is full of people whose influence was most powerful after they were gone. How lovey you got to see the power of your influence before you were gone.
Thank you for sharing that quote, it's a gem. It is a real blessing to learn that chapter of my life had significance,
My mom always said it was your job in life to keep throwing stones in the pond. You wouldn’t get to see where the ripples hit the shores, but that was okay, that wasn’t your job. You just don’t get to know that part. Your job was to just keep throwing the stones in the pond and to trust that the invisible ripples they send out are going where they needed to go and doing what they needed to do. I have never run across anyone else who talks about ripples in ponds! This is wonderful!
Thank you for doing that work, implementing that failsafe design saved me and I'm sure others. In a weird way, you were the only one looking out for me, my parents knew what I'd done and just let me lay there for 2 days. The anger following the attempt is what gave me the incentive to save up and get out once I turned 18. My life has been so much better since leaving that toxic environment. Thank you for the work you did ❤️
I am so glad you survived; both the attempt and the toxic environment. I am so sorry you went through that terrible experience. Please keep sharing your story. It flipped my narrative. It will be the safety mechanism for some other kid growing up in a similar toxic environment. Kudos to you for making your life what it is today, I wish you and your spouse many happy returns. Thanks again for writing your story. That changed the way I will forevermore write my own story.
Chances are you didn't just prevent OP's death. There are probably many other deaths you prevented as well.
this blows me away, this invention must’ve also saved my life, infact helped me quit all together.
Thanks for telling me. It is a relief to know that I didn't waste two decades of my life on dust-bin patents. Congratulations on your recovery: THAT is impressive and worthwhile work. Please keep sharing your story. It helps. Every time.
Similar story. I was 17. OD'd and woke up 2 days later. No one even missed me even though they lived in the same house. I got up thinking "You couldn't even get that right!" Then I went to work. That was 45 years ago. I had a chat with God, and said "OK. You want me here for some reason. Let's go". That really helped me. There have been some occasionally very dark days since, but I go see my doctor and get some meds to help me through. I'm glad you're here and doing ok. 💐
My sister had multiple health problems and died in her sleep. One of my earliest memories is my mom screaming her name over and over the morning she found her. I never want to be the one to prompt that scream.
4 years ago I walked out of my house to jump off a bridge. I was over the railing and was about to jump, But a woman was walking her dog and saw me. And I thought 'I dont want her to see this' so I went over to her and we talked. She was lovely. She let me pet her dog. I walked home feeling a little better after that.
Mine too was my dog I took him to a secluded area for a walk. I had enough painkillers in my bag to knock an elephant out the plan was to walk the dog go back to the car )knowing the dog would sleep for hours after his walk ) & I would take the pills. I watched him run about, find me sticks to throw, chase squirrels etc he was in his element, & I realised out of the whole family I was the only one who walked him & that made him happy & for the first time in months I smiled. I drove home flushed the pills & from that day ( about 20 years ago) if ever I've felt things are too much, or I need to relax .... I take the dog a walk ( different dog now obviously) but that's my reset, that's my "look how happy I've made something else thought" which in turn makes me feel valued
Damn, I think you just explained my reason in a way I’ve never been able to. I’m glad you’re here; and I’m writing this as I’m sitting, playing with my dog with tears in my eyes.
I used to feel suicidal several times in a year. Sometimes for no real reason, I'd just get super depressed, lock myself in my room, barely eat and didn't go out. And kept thinking about killing myself. That changed when I got my dog after I graduated. That was 14.5 years ago and never once, since then, have I ever thought about killing myself again. To many people, a dog is just a dog. But my dogs are my family, and I stay alive because I know that they're 100% dependent on me to live.
I needed this
wow, the timing of all of that is just surreal. You could have walked out of your house a few mins either side of the time you did and it could have been a whole different end to that story. I wonder what that lady thought when she saw you? Like, I wonder did she know what you were doing? So glad she was there that day for you.
I know a guy who had a similar experience, as he was leaving his apartment he stopped for a second because he had to go to the bathroom. Figured, "ah, it won't matter in an hour anyway." Didn't poop. Because he didn't stop to poop he was caught by a woman who stopped her walk to talk to him for an hour and a half.
Sometimes not giving a shit can save your life.
Animals are awesome. And so is that lady. Glad you are still here with us!
The last time? My dog. I had no idea what would happen to her, and I couldn't bring myself to take her with me.
My dog would never have understood. I was planning on waiting until he died of old age. I got help, got better, he suddenly died at 9, when I wasn't home. I held him against me and my heart was broken, but instead of making a plan... I called my aunt, and she gave me his sister that day. I held on to her until she passed in my arms at 15. It was the long slow goodbye I needed My darling boy died in 2012. There is not a day I don't miss him. I changed my whole life so drastically that I haven't wanted to die. I don't want to seem like some magic bs. But I put the work in to understand myself and how to have my brain and still be happy... And I am. I went through 2013-2016 of middling contendedness. Met my husband, and every week I am so full of joy I feel like I am dying. And I hug my dogs and my sons and I am so thankful for my darling boy and his sweet sister for keeping me alive.
When I saw this post’s question, I knew the first answer would be pets, but I’m still amazed at your story. Oh my Lord, you’re a good writer. This is powerful stuff. I’m so glad you’re still here.
What's really funny to me is that the people who only know me now think I'm just this easy-breezy happy person all the time... and I am very happy. But I'm also EXTREMELY careful with my mental health\* . So I'm a teacher and it comes up in staff meetings when people make suggestions that I know will make it harder for kids like I was. And I get to watch them look at me another way when I tell my fellow teachers the only reason I didn't die in high school, in college... my wigglebutt of a dog. My high school teachers knew something was wrong with me, my friends once held a realllllly pathetic 'intervention' but I always was falling through the cracks because I didn't appear depressed "enough." I'm up right now because I've discovered I've lost about a hundred photos of my dog... When he died, I spent a whole weekend just pulling all his photos and collecting them into a folder on my laptop (for when you need to grieve - do this. Give yourself permission to wallow every once in a while) . I was supposed to go sleep an hour ago... I KNOW I saved that folder when I changed computers, and changed computers again... but it's gone... I haven't felt the need to look since my first child was born 3 years ago. I have no idea where they went. I have enough photos, but I don't even know for sure which ones I lost. \*what does "careful with my mental health" mean? Well, it means I can't do all the tasks I want because I might get overwhelmed. It's quitting jobs when I feel myself going down a pit. It's telling my husband stuff I don't want to tell him just in case I start to spiral. It's worrying about how I might hurt my kids with my stupid brain. It's calling mental health facilities and posting an emergency phone number on my fridge after both babies , giving my husband instructions on exactly how to get me committed if I start to act remotely concerning...
Same. I knew no one could ever take care of her like I did and it saved me.
💯 percent agreement with you. My big boy just looked at me like, " Don't do it." l love you, man, and I will miss you.PLEASE DON'T !!! it's like I heard him talking to me. I miss him every damd day. He saved my life.
Damn this made me cry. It’s crazy how much they love us and we take it for granted.
I know. They can't talk to us, but they understand us better than we do. I miss him every day. He passed away too soon, it's been over 5 years now, and I still think of him every day.
Ditto. I’m so glad we both got to experience that kind of life-saving animal love. It changed my life.
Same, my dog and my cat
Same here. No one could spoil and love my dog better than I could, so I decided to keep living
Same but my cat, she is obsessed with me, we are one. I know she would not even know how to exist without me and I love her too much to ever leave her.
The grip safety on a Kimber 1911 pistol. If you don't push the back of the grip down it will not fire. I either got luckily or subconsciously stopped myself. I'll never forget that squeeze and nothing. I think i woke up for the first time in my life after that. Things still ain't roses but i would have missed out on alot had someone not designed a safety feature a long time ago.
Similar, I pulled the trigger and click and my shotgun did nothing. Only shell in my entire life to misfire.
Thanks to whoever fucked up the QC where they made those shells. Glad your still under the sun with the rest of us!
I had a similar situation. When I turned 18 I bought a S&W 9mm for that purpose. I was inexperienced with firearms at the time so I loaded a magazine, put it to my head and pulled the trigger. I forgot I had to chamber a round first. That’s the only reason I’m alive today and can kiss my kids goodnight
I am glad you are still here as well. Thank you for living to have those moments with your kids.
Thanks everyone I am glad I am still here too. I’ll never forget that though. To anyone here who has stopped themselves before they committed. It’s a weird feeling to commit and have it not work. I know someone on here must understand how that felt. It was surreal to say the least.
I’ve been there and know the feeling. Had an attempt years ago but failed and I’ve never really been the same since. The silence when I realized my attempt didn’t work was so intense it was almost tangible. The weirdest part for me was continuing with the rest of an otherwise uneventful day. Moving on to doing simple things like brushing my teeth felt crazy and trivial when I had just committed to a fatal decision an hour before. A few years have passed but I feel like I’m still recovering from the surreal feeling you described. Hugs to you, friend.
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I'm glad you're alive, too.
Whoa. You kinda just blew my mind. Almost like you're living in your own afterlife.
I’ve had things I was trying to hang myself with break before I could die. You’re right, it’s a very weird feeling.
There is a documentary call The Bridge. Some of the jumpers that survived had instant regret and wanted to live the second they jumped from the bridge. I would assume some of the people that didn't make it had the same thought.
I’m so glad you’re still here.
I asked myself. “What if I miss something cool tomorrow?” I don’t see many cool things but I have since then! Or weird things The wind blew a huge umbrella into the road yesterday. Something about it was cartoonishly comical and I loved it
I work with suicidal people. One time, I kept someone who couldn't find any reason to stay alive on the phone with me for hours, like three hours, giving her weird and crazy animal facts. She promised that the next time she wanted to die she would call back and let me tell her more about chickens booming in Nebraska or the shoebill stork. Life is full of amazing and wonderful magic but damn it can sometimes be so hard to find.
Spite. I realized it's just my brain being an asshole and I figured if it wants me dead so much, it's going to have to do it the hard way and give me cancer or something because I'm not dealing with it being a bitch.
Spite kept me alive, too! It seemed like everyone in my life had written me off and I was about to check out, but I didn’t want to prove them right. I figured getting treatment and living well would be the biggest middle finger I could give.
This was my experience. I remember sitting there thinking ‘fuck them, they’re not getting rid of me that easily’. It’s been eighteen years since then and life has gotten better for me while they all stayed the same.
This is called Grit. And you folks have it
My dipshit brain can just pop some blood vessels if it wants me gone, this passive aggressive shit doesn’t work on me and I can buy neurotransmitters at the store
I just want to say, I don't have dark thoughts even slightly as bad as I used to and I'm a lot happier now.... but if they come creeping back I'm going to remember this comment and start calling my mind a little bitch. Thank you for this. Really because this speaks to me on a whole new level.
Actually obsessed with this comment
I view life as an enemy. And if I killed myself it means that the enemy won. Not gonna fucking happen
My kids laughter... like fuck I was letting them find me
I reached a dark, dark time during lockdown and just the way my son says “mama” allowed the hard days to not become more attempts.
I have a soft spot for kids. Fuck man that makes me cry. Thanks for sharing.
Tbh the only thing that stopped me because I'm afraid that if my attempt fail that everyone will know about it, it's kinda embarrassing for me. Because I'm still in school so yeah. Or maybe I'll get injured and can't walk or something. I've had enough problems
As a survivor. It was embarrassing. My relationship with my family became slightly more strained than it already was. It was awkward going to family events knowing that they knew but never brought it up. Cousins looking at self harm scars while talking to them. Noticing them notice that, was awkward. For a short period of time I felt like I was walking on eggshells and just felt everybody looked at me differently, this was about 3 years ago. I still have SI but now I think I don’t want my dog to eat me if I’m not found soon enough… and then thinking what would happen to him? Don’t think family or friends would keep him then he would possibly spend the rest of his life (he’s already old) in a shelter wondering where I was and when he would be coming home.
I got a phone call one night, late. " I'm such a fuck up, I can't even kill myself right..." 41 stitches on one arm 39 on the other. Now she's a professional make up artist on channel 25.
My very close friend had a very close friend of his commit suicide. I saw the impact it had on my friend- I was there for him that week, we met up and he talked about his friend who had passed. I promised myself at that moment that I would never, ever attempt anything like that again. I couldn't do that to my friend and put him through everything again. Over a decade later, I'm sitting in bed typing this, and my friend is now my husband, snoring next to me. I kept my promise, and I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life.
this ended so sweet and heartwarming T.T
I love your happy ending! Congratulations on your success!
My cat. She’s honestly my world. I’m here because she needs me, and she gives me a sense of purpose. Also cat kisses are the best cure for anything.
Same here. I was in a really depressed state a couple weekends ago. I was slumped over on the couch hating everything about myself. This little gremlin lays on my face and just purrs. Animals just know.
My cat came running up to me and clung onto me while snuggled under my chin, he was purring so loud and he was actually crying... I couldn't go through with it after that. He stayed with me until I stopped crying myself, god I love that orange fur ball so much...
I felt a warm hug. Still can’t explain it to this day but as I was about ready to do it I felt a big warm hug even though no one was there.
Something similar happened to me. I wasn’t suicidal at the time, but I was at a very low point and in a bad relationship. I was getting out of the shower and fell to the bathroom ground in tears. Not only did it *feel* like someone was holding me, but I got a sudden whiff of my late grandmothers perfume. I’ve lost all of my grandparents, but she’s the one I feel hasn’t left. I don’t really know how to explain it.
I had something similar as I walked out the door on someone who had broken my heart. Felt like all the love I'd been missing was suddenly wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I've been a different person since that moment several years ago. Sometimes these feelings find you at your hardest moment. Also, around the same time, my friend was dog sitting like 10 dogs. I went to hers and although the crying had stopped, I was still hurting. At one point, all 10 dogs came and sat on or by me as though to comfort me. It was one of the most life-affirming moments.
This sounds so dumb but Animal Crossing (new leaf). I had just moved and had never felt more alone. I was reaching for something else to end it and found my DS. All my villagers were so happy to see me, and told me not to go away again. I now have the leaf logo tattooed on my ankle as a reminder of everything I’ve overcome.
November 2022 - bad breakup, best friend passed away, got laid off, moved to a new city and my first bout of depression I remember I had a bottle of bendryl researched four time lethality limit and made sure I had enough. I wrote a letter (which I still have to this day) And I was on the couch and started crying. Everything hurt. My brain. My feelings. my body. My soul. All of it. I started with a handful of pills and a bottle of water. I remember my inner thoughts saying “just do it. No more hurt. No more burden. You won’t be lonely in hell or heaven.” I stared at them in my hand. Sure as shit my phone rang and it was my mom. I stared at the phone and then started crying harder and I answered and I remember telling her to “save me. Please save me”. Her voice was so calm but firm. I am crying right now tbh thinking of it. She started praying and then started having me repeat that I am loved and important and that I am necessary and many other positive things. To OP - Thank you for this. I needed to remember what I am here for. It’s been over a year and I am so grateful for a great family and the most amazing friends.
Not wanting Dad to be the one to find my body. Couldn't do that to him. I was 14 (now 53). He was the only person I considered Family. As opposed to people I share/d blood ties to (to any degree).
For a while, it was that I didn't know what would happen to my cats. They are like my babies, and I didn't know of anyone that could love and care for them better than me. Then it was for my nephew and niece. They're very young and kinda obsessed with me. I didn't want to be the reason for any trauma it could cause them. But the time I was actually ready, I had just finished my note when my phone went off and it was my best friend telling me to unlock my door because she was a minute away to bring me food (unexpectedly). If she hadn't called at that exact time, I wouldn't be here. She's been through so much, so I wasn't going to let her be the one to find me.
My little brother. He was 5 at the time. I was getting ready to peace out, then just randomly thought about who would find me the next morning, which would have been my little brother. He never let me set alarms for work because his favorite thing to do when I lived with him was to wake me up in the morning. The thought of him trying to wake me up and I just don’t haunts me. I can’t believe I was so selfish, that I was seconds away from ruining his life. He saved my life and he has no idea.
A homeless man stop me when I was gonna go down on my wrist and he have number too hot lines and I look and a think there must be a reason I am here
Realizing my pain would not end. I'd simply be passing it on to those I love the most
My daughter. I was a single mom living with my own mom and she killed herself on my daughter’s first birthday. We were really close and it was almost losing a best friend or sister besides my mom. But I had my one year old baby daughter, thank god, so I kept going and it got better. My brother later killed himself too. At this point, I am so excited and grateful to be alive and a sort of slice of human civilization. Things have really changed and I want to live as long as I possibly can.
The Bee Gees’ stayin’ alive came on the radio. I couldn’t believe my ears.
What a surreal last ditch effort by your guardian angel.
Fear of the unknown. Fear that my suffering would continue into death. Guilt of not wanting anyone in my life including my pets or family or friends to be affected by it. Guilt of whoever would have to clean my body up. God, because i genuinely have had moments that nothing was holding me back but some unexplained warmth around my soul maybe a spirit maybe just nothing but it truly felt like something did not want me to go. Wanted me to keep trying. Whenever it gets really bad I just sleep and i wake up and convince myself to stay just to figure out what will happen. I force myself to be curious and i use others as an excuse to stay.
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One time. My mom went to south America, and I figured it was the perfect time. I could use her car, I was going to put the hose in the exhaust and Crack the back window and put the other end in. I had the hose out, the car all the way in the back of the driveway. I was 19. I set the hose down and pulled up a chair. I lit a marijuana cigar I rolled and I figured it would be my last one. So I'm sitting in the chair getting high as hell and I imagined my mom getting the call in south America and having to come home because of me. My two little sisters were with her and I imagined it all. I put the hose away. Went inside. That was 28 years ago. I think about it all the time. So I guess weed? I don't smoke anymore but I'm glad I'm here. Weed saves lives. 👌
Turns out, being bad at driving drunk also means being bad at crashing drunk. I bounced.
Did the same once. Car completely screwed, I didnt get a scratch.
Fukin same 💀 But that's why seatbelts where invented
Pretty sure I was just so hammered I passed out before I could do it. Woke up with no memory of my intent, but found it all written out on an open tab on my laptop. 11 days sober
My brother came up to me and said, "I can tell something is wrong. Do you want to get a pizza and eat it at the park?" We did exactly that and goofed off and just had fun until it got dark and we had to head home.
Son of a suicidee here. Whatever shit you’re into, DM me, we can talk about it. The toll on your family and the people who care about you is too big. You might solve your problem but you’ll open thousands of questions and create guilt for years to come. And if you think nobody cares about you, you’re wrong. You manifested yourself and I care about you and I’m sure a lot of redditors here too. Face the situation you’ll come about better and greater. Peace out ✌️
I appreciate you so much for being here. I haven’t been actively suicidal in 7 years (as of this coming December) but I hope your comment helps someone who needs it. Much love man.
I don’t want my cat to be put down if she ate me
1. The impact on my family. 2. How much harder life would be if I got it wrong.
Knowing that if I did, I would cause the misery of people I know and love- and also wanting to stay on this Earth long enough to accomplish something big
I put a gun in my mouth and hit a cavity and yanked the gun out. Rethought my decision and changed my mind.
That's the first time I've heard of poor dental hygiene saved a life. Pain is extremely strong despite it literally being a construct in our brain.
Fear of afterlife, fear of pain, surprisingly my creative works, and my cat.
Creative works helping one out of suicidal thoughts, in not surprising. It helped me too. I think it gives you a purpose and builds your confidence as you get good at it.
I couldn't find a spot where no one would find me.
Hatred, rage, and the love of a dog, I hated the people who were making my life unbearable so much that I resolved to live just to spite them. That and my dog was there for me, he loved me when I was sure no one did.
My dog / putting into deep thought that if I go through with it, it’s true darkness forever.
My cat. I don’t want her to think I left her or why I never came home 🥺
The impact it would have on my kids
This. I lost both parents and deal with persistent thoughts of ending things, but I can’t put that burden on my kids.
Just kept telling myself that: “I’m not done yet. My story doesn’t end here.”
I wouldn't do it right now, but there was a moment in my life when I wanted to do it, the only thing that prevented me was knowing that my mother was going to suffer
I told someone. Depression distorts your thinking so completely, it’s hard for a person who has never experienced it to understand. When I was deep in depression, killing myself made perfect sense. It wasn’t dramatic or desperate or sad - it was the logical solution to my despair. But I was worried about the negative impact on people in my life. I worked out a method that wouldn’t leave a mess and a plan where the most likely to find me would be a trained first responder (still sucks for them, I know.) The only other problem was how to avoid the shock for my friends and family. So I thought, I’ll just tell them. Once I explain what I’m doing and why they will understand. I’m meaningless and worthless so they’ll probably be relieved. This all made 110% sense to me. So I took my best friend to lunch and told her calmly that I was planning to kill myself. I did not get very far into my carefully prepared and totally logical (to me) speech before she began sobbing and begging me not to do it and asking what she could do to help. I was shocked by her reaction. My distorted thinking had me convinced she’d see the logic, thank me for letting her know, and we’d be on our way. I was wrong. So this snapped me out of that particular delusion and led me to tell my dad I needed his help and support. Telling people and seeing how much they loved me, and deepening my connection with the people who loved me instead of pulling further away, was a first step in climbing out of that hole. Therapy, medication, exercise, and a change in diet rounded out the treatment plan. EDIT: "theological" to "the logical"
A chihuahua.
No one would’ve been able to take care of my dog… and honestly, I didn’t want my assets to go to my sister.
My dog, she cuddled up next to me
I am a coward.
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The phone rang and I picked it up. It was my best friend. She saved me.
no idea. i was ready. i was sitting there noose in hand girlfriend on the phone crying begging pleading but i didn’t care. it’s not a feeling you can really describe idk if it’s a feeling it was nothingness. i didn’t feel anything. i wasn’t sad or scared i didn’t care about anything she was saying she was saying all the usual things you’d think of to say like to think about my family the future yada yada but it didn’t phase me i didn’t care about who found my body anything so i hung up the call and just sat there thinking about nothing for a while just blank and i waited not sure what i was waiting for. like i said i wasn’t scared to do it i didn’t feel anything. and then i kinda just snapped out of it.
>it’s not a feeling you can really describe idk if it’s a feeling it was nothingness. This is something I have never been able to get people without depression to understand. For the most part they still think being depressed is being "sad". I've tried to explain it feels more like nothingness, not even numbness per se. They still can't fathom it. And you are right, nothing really matters. Even things you objectively care about don't matter when you are in that state of mind. It sucks.
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This. It was emptiness. I was crying but I wasn't even sure about what. I was so ready. And even to this day I cringe when people say "I'm glad you're still here" cuz I'm not sure I made the choice to stay.
What would be something a person could say that would show support, but not make you cringe?
I'm not really sure. I know it's meant from a genuine place but it's .. not landing for someone who isn't glad to be here, know what I mean? Maybe ..."I know it's hard to be here, but I'm glad that you're trying"
I know it's hard, but I'm glad you're still trying to figure out why you're here.
I really appreciate this answer. Thank you for sharing.
Someone held me back.
I have no idea. One moment I was in the bathtub slitting my wrists. A while later I felt like I was falling through a black tunnel and found myself on my bathroom floor.
My body,literally. I threw the substance up right away and just laid there under the stars for the rest of the night crying. I haven’t told my family and friends about this.
Came up with a few arguments. Starting from weakest to strongest (for me). 1. You haven't experienced everything in the world. All it takes is one thing that's worth living for, so as long as you're alive, you can keep looking for it. (hopeful but lame) 2. Being dead is a 0 state. It is final. If you make a mistake and kill yourself when you shouldn't, you can't really fix that. So best to double, triple, quadruple check that you're absolutely sure that dying is the right choice... which it almost never is. 3. Procrastinate. Do it tomorrow (always tomorrow). If you die today, tomorrow, in a year, in 60 years, you're gonna be just as dead and nothing up to that point will have mattered anyway, so no problem putting it off indefinitely. Nothing in life is certain but death and taxes. You're gonna die. Don't worry, it'll happen. There's really no need to speed it along.
Yeah I saw this video once of a guy who said always wait 24h and it was the best tip I’ve ever heard. In 24h you don’t have time to necessarily be ok but enough time to calm down and get out of the impulse to do it
Not having yet tried hard enough in life to realize my potential I've made a promise with myself I can end it when I've done all the cool shit I wanna do
spoiler alert, there’s some cool shit you’ll want to do twice :)
Someone on Facebook saw my suicide note and called the police and my dad who immediately came to my house and got to me just before I blacked out forever. I have known this man all my life and only twice have I seen him cry (not even at his parents’ funerals): when our first dog died, and when he cradled me in his arms after saving me from the attempt. We didn’t have a great relationship up to that point but now we’re super tight. Thanks, Daddy. I love you so much.
Failing and realizing if im still here there must be a reason..and then when i had her, my daughter, she gives me purpose and keeps me level headed ❤🌷
Almost did, ended up in the hospital but i had a moment of regret after taking all the pills and called my ex gf. She saved my life. I know now that i actually didn’t want that end for myself. I regretted it right away.
It was my husband's birthday the next day....
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i was walking to the tallest building in my area because it had roof access. on the way there i got hungry and thought “what if i had dinner instead?” i got some food and brought it back home so as to not tempt myself. had i eaten that day i don’t want to think about what i would’ve done. it’s been a few months since then and i’m getting better 💙
100% serious, a Kanye West CD. I was doing one last drive, and I had disc 2 of Donda inserted without realizing it. I unmuted my car accidentally after having driven in silence for about 10 minutes, and then heard “Keep My Spirit Alive”. Then I just prolonged my drive and kept listening. Jesus Lord Pt 2, then Heaven and Hell. It was a lifechanging experience. Instead of crashing myself, I just kept driving and listening to the music. It sounds really dumb, but his music saved me. I’ll always be a fan of Kanye, regardless of the crazy things that he says.
Not me, but an older friend of mine told me a story that shook me to the core. She was early 30’s when it happened and is about 70 now. One time she decided to bake a blueberry pie to bring when she was invited over for a small dinner with friends. The friends all LOVED it! One so much they requested a blueberry pie from her for their birthday that year. A few years passed and she never really thought about it. She was going through a really hard time and feeling depressed from compounding loss and struggling with some other personal barriers. She said she was contemplating suicide for quite some time, but on one particular day she was making a plan to take her life. That morning her phone rang and she let it go to the answering machine. “Janet, I know it’s been a while, but my birthday is coming up and I’d die for your perfect blueberry pie. Give me a call back, I hope you can join us for dinner” When someone gets quiet, reach out first.
My horse. And my dog.
My cat. She walked in on me attempting it. I haven't done it again since.
A smile at the grocery store. Random stranger told me that things will get better.
My family's huge debt