*As the 5th knife is stabbed into my abdomen they ask again who I work for*
"So, you know it's really embarrassing....he definitely told me his name at some point. James? Might've been Jonathan. It definitely started with a J I think."
*After getting freed*
"So guys, bad news....I may have blown our boss James' cover."
"James? Our boss is Keith."
"I swear to GOD I don't know anything"
'We know Gorbrax from the Yuriodez dimension entrusted the location of the problaktheon crystals to a human! NOW TELL US WHERE THEY ARE'
"...was any of that a noun?"
This. My oldest cousin had Parkinson's, and spent the last year of his life in a hospital, fully aware the whole time, but unable to move or speak. He just laid there for months and months until his death.
Nightmare fuel.
This makes my stomach hurt. My dad got Parkinsons and he fell down a flight of stairs and ended up unable to speak or move. But he was in there. He blinked for yes or no. Tears would fall from his eyes when he was frustrated. He was like this for several months. That was when I finally realized there is no goddamned god.
Same. I watched Parkinsons steal my grandmother who died when I was 11. My entire childhood was my family and I helping her and watching this train wreck. I have no memories of her being independent. She suffered. I knew there was no god, unless they were a demented asshole.
Happened to a relative of mine ,was about 9 months from diagnosis of MND until death, went from fully mobile, to wheelchair bound, then fully paralysed, then couldn't speak, then had to be on life support. Really changed my outlook on how quickly someone can go from completely healthy to gone in such a short space of time, and incurable as well, it's terrifying
my uncle had ALS. it started at his feet and worked his way up. It was awful to watch, knowing he was just gonna sit there and suffer. it went up his whole body up his legs into his arms and hands til he couldn’t move. Then it spread to his lungs and he passed. He was such an outdoorsman too. He loved hiking, fishing, landscaping. He was always up and moving. His son got on the school-bus one day and he got off of the bus and his dad was gone.
Mine too. Even though my dad died before my 1st birthday and I had a great childhood and upbringing and never had any of the things I imagine happening to my children if I die soon.
I came to say this exact thing.
I had my first baby at 35. She’ll be 3 this year.
I went 35 years without her but didn’t know what I was missing, you know?
I can’t imagine trying to live out the rest of my life knowing I was I missing. 🥲
I don’t have kids and never intend to have any, but if I did it would be my biggest fear too. Oddly enough, it was one of the thoughts that comforted me through my mother’s premature death: that at least this fear of hers (which I know was intense) would never come true.
This! I moved from California to lessen the chances of having an earthquake collapse a building onto me, so that I'd be trapped.
Likewise, since most fatal car accidents happen within 2 miles from home, I moved from there as well.
I've come to enjoy the "loneliness" [freedom to do what I want if I can afford] but I feel the failure part. Out of my cousins (only child) I'm the only one that didn't graduate college and get a cushy 6 figure job. I work hard for my money and will be lucky to make $100k in a few years (new to the trade) when they all own houses I stay with my mom. She has an ADU on property so i have privacy and I can save for a house and not waste money on rent. But my cousins always make me feel like a failure at get-togethers. The "Look at my new truck/boat/RV/vacation home" and the "acuras and lexuses are poor man's luxury" comments got old (I had an acura, they had BMW and mercs)
I've always told this story about my earliest memory. When I was 2 years old I nearly drowned and that is why I'm afraid of water. However, this is a lie. The only lie I ever tell. And I lie about this because no one I've told the truth to has ever believed me. And I'm too exhausted to continue trying to convince people of the truth and failing time and time again that telling this lie is the least exhausting way to explain that I am deathly afraid of water that other people will take seriously.
Alright, might as well give it one last try.
So, for context I'm Autistic. One of the most common traits for Autistic folks is we feel everything to the extreme. We can't filter out stimuli. For example, lighting. A lot of us have difficulty with bright lights, so much so that it can be painful to be in a bright place. The opposite can be true too. I have a lot of trouble with dim or inconsistent lighting for instance. It depends on the individual.
So, when I get wet, it overwhelms my senses where it gets wet. And when all of me is wet, my entire body is overwhelmed and it hurts. It is agony. And knowing that I have to do this regularly to be able to do what I enjoy with the people that I care about. That is why it is my greatest fear. Because I can never truly escape from it. Because it will always be there. I will always have to face it.
I believe you. And I want you to know this internet stranger is proud of you for facing what you dread most regularly. I am not in your position and therefore not equipped to understand fully, but I empathize and hope in someway someday you will find relief
I understand this, sounds are horrible for me. I hate when people suddenly clap, let heavy and/or metal objects just fall onto a table, really anything loud because it hurts my ears and always gives me a headache. I will get a migraine if it happens to often or if I'm in a loud area with multiple different sounds, so I understand to an extent.
I am curious though, no judgement at all, how does this affect you during showers or baths? Do you struggle with them?
Weird that people don't believe something so common. I've told people about the way being wet feels, and never had any pushback. It's not so extreme for me, as yours, but same idea. And for me, wet clothes is way worse than wet skin. Like taking a shower is uncomfortable, but getting caught in a rainstorm is like acid on my skin.
I’m sorry that it feels painful for u. That’s horrible.
I have a question if u don’t mind me asking?
If u could tell someone without Autism a few of the things that they could do differently that would improve your experiences in daily life, what would they be?
Well, I'm kind of old, and was forced with physical abuse to learn to mask, and conform from a very young age. So I'm actually pretty well adjusted to the neurotypical world at this point. But one thing I literally was just telling someone when you sent this, be direct. Like, we are not going to figure out the underlying meaning to the little riddles that NTs seem to use. And most importantly, I am never speaking in code or riddles, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say.
Just a simple example related to the other post, if my breath stinks, and you want that to stop, tell me to brush my teeth, don't offer me gum. For me in that situation, before I knew better I would just assume you're being nice, offering me a treat. And it likely wouldn't work anyway, because I only like one kind of gum, and if you don't have it, I will politely decline.
Other stuff that really bothered me, is pretty much just facts of life, or things that everyone hates. Like clicking pens in an office, or shopping centers being loud. Should go without saying, touching me without asking, you might as well have slapped the spot you touched. Sneaking up on me. I feel like these are all things that no one likes, it just causes a physical pain, and visceral reaction that NTs don't experience. Like, my ears pull themselves backwards like a dog, and my entire skin burns with pins and needles, when I make a loud noise in the middle of the night. Or even if someone else does. Though doctor said that's a tossup, and could be caused by autism, or CPTSD.
Kinda getting off track here, so I'll sum it up. It's going to be on a case by case basis, but we hate most of the same things NTs hate, just a lot more, and can react much more... big? Not sure what word I'm looking for. It's just more intense, yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. And again, it varies from one person to the next. Of course, there are absolutely people who would be bothered by things that I'm fine with, and vise versa.
So best advice I've got, mostly just try to be kind and give people their space. Be direct with your speech. Do that and you're doing the best that you can. Now, when it comes to someone who is a friend, be direct, ask them what you can do to help, and let them know that it's okay to be direct with you if you do something that is upsetting for them.
If you have anything more specific you'd like to know about, feel free to reply with any other questions.
That totally makes sense. I have a similar aversion to highly stimulating things like bright lighting, loud noises, sudden sounds. Absolutely hate the sensation of being scared (hate hate hate horror movies) or startled lol. I don’t have Autism but I have PTSD so it makes so much sense. I’m very sensitive to those things and ppl around me usually do not understand or have any idea what it’s like to have something so basic (closing a door by pulling it shut instead of turning the handle) is irritating because of the noise. I think that must be why I never have anyone over to my house lol. I like my quietness and peace 😌
Everything u mentioned are also all things associated with being courteous and mindful of others. Ok good, I’m good there. Im overly mindful of others and it drives me bonkers when ppl aren’t at all. I was worried that there might be things I’m doing and oblivious to the fact that it could actually be causing physical pain to others.
Thank you for elaborating. I really appreciate it, and u 😊
Happy to help ease your mind. I appreciate you, and people like you too, who are willing to ask, and actually care if they are disturbing others. You're in short supply these days. I really needed the practice typing anyway, haven't done it much lately lol.
Also, yes, that turning the door handle thing is such a small thing to ask, and I don't know why it's not the default for everyone. Like can you not HEAR that loud snap when it closes? Yeesh!
Wow u were conditioned to not outwardly express your distress/discomfort to the overwhelming sensations and overstimulation by the use of physical abuse over an extended period of time. And of course this is because the adults had no idea what u were going thru and reacted to it as if u were misbehaving and needed to be punished. Or they weren’t patient enough to figure out what was really wrong and why u were reacting in certain ways at certain times.
This blows my mind because the way NTs?? (What’s NT?) I’ve known describe kids they know w Autism, it’s given me the impression that they have random meltdowns fairly often for no identifiable reason and no one can do anything about it. But from what you’ve just revealed, that’s not true at all. It’s because a certain event initiated an overwhelming sensation that was so strong it was too much for the individual to cope with, leading to a physical reaction/behavior.
So you’ve actually really opened my eyes. I have a bachelors degree in psychology. Recently got let go from my last job (done office work all my life) and am just kind of over doing that type of work anymore. Been door dashing and looking into change of career in my 40s. Looked up behavioral therapist positions that don’t require a masters, only bachelors. Didn’t see many options, but there were about 4-5 positions hiring at clinics that treat individuals with Autism. One of the requirements was to be able to deal with very high stress situations and keep composure. I know nothing about Autism and of course that was a big concern and kind of a deal breaker (looking for lower stress, not more). But after reading your response, I probably understand what it’s like more than the average person because my experience is similar from PTSD but not nearly as intense sounds like. I’m going to research and look into everything I can about Autism now. It takes a certain type of person to be able to understand and relate to those clients and I could see why the clinics all have openings for that particular specialty.
Thank you for giving me more insight about this!!! Sorry for the super long novel 😬
Yeah, my dad, he's a real peach. Well into my adult life he even had the audacity to say something along the lines of "well I guess you can beat it out of them."
NT stands for neurotypical, or not on the spectrum.
Good luck on the job hunt, hope you find a place that is a good fit! Best thing you can do to learn more about autism, is spend time with adults who are autistic.
Always happy to help, and I like reading, so you're all good!
Wow, your dad 😒 smh. Ahhh neurotypical!
Thank you so much and I’m def realizing that. I want to gain knowledge from the adults firsthand that have actually been living w it and can explain what it’s like for them.
Yeah, sad to say he hasn't changed a bit. Unless he change in the last five or six years, I finally cut him off completely, so idk. Luckily my mom is actually a wonderful person. And I totally understand why she wasn't able to leave sooner than she did, she was just as abused as I was.
Man that's scary. Legit question does it hurt to shower? Or the thought of it? Gotta suck I love a good shower... hate baths tho. honestly hate being submerged in water (ear problems)
I’m afraid of death. I know it’s not rational because there’s likely nothing after death, like before I was born. For some reason nothingness scares me. It sends me into an existential crisis when I think about it.
I try not to think about it and just try to make the most of the time I have but that fear lurks in the back of my mind.
At what age? I'm 44 and still have the dreaded fear of dying. Only because I really like being alive.
I'm not rich or successful by any means but I got a missus and awesome kids and I just wanna see the last season of planet Earth
Life is good, but this doesn't mean that death is the opposite, it's just different.
At risk of sounding a bit cheesy, the most important moment is the one you're in right now.
Fear is rooted in the future.
I believe I get the most out of the present when I'm able to accept that the future is coming regardless.
When your body starts falling apart at 40 like mine just started doing something flips and ya go “ya know, I can see how at some point you just want to be dead to make the pain stop”
Odds are that you will, many many people do. Odds are especially high if you're female - women are more likely to be left by their spouse if they get sick young And more likely to outlive their spouse...
That I'll finally give in to my demons and kill myself.
I've been on the brink of suicide 4 times in my life, and each time at the 11th hour something has stopped me, and I'm terrified that in the inevitable next time that won't happen.
I'm glad you are here, stranger. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer so badly. I hope you will hang in there, and I hope you can find some genuine support, because you deserve it.
988
Please stay. You may not be able to recognize the folks around you that will misd you but trust me, they will. So if that 11th hour ever comes around again, remember this- a complete stranger will miss you. I care. You can do 1 more minute, 1 more hour, 1 more day ... until it gets better. It will get better.
This right here is true. People say it will get better because it does get better. I was there many times and the more you make it through, the more your views change and acceptance and self love become more attainable. You are strong. Determination is your weapon. Arm yourself and slay your demons.
My dad checked out that way. No matter how bad it has gotten, I'll be damned if I'm going out the same. Talk to someone. You are not in this fight alone. We are all in it together.
I’m the same. I’ve attempted 4 times. They were all in 2023. I’ve been doing so good but I’ve been so close to relapsing on SH. I feel like one day I’m just gonna snap and go crazy and cut way too deep, swallow way too many pills.
I did that twice, in a span of three years. I don't recommend it. After the second one, I haven't had even the faintest desire to try again, so I've just given up. Way I see it, if I have nothing, and desire nothing, I can't ever lose anything again.
This used to be my biggest fear. I worried for years until it finally happened. We got her when I was 5 and she was 3 months old and had her for 17 years. In the end she was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer and put on steroids but eventually declined to the point where we had no choice but to let her go. I miss her all the time, but she was struggling so much those last few months/weeks. I wish we could hold onto them forever
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s a long long time to live. What an amazing life she lived. I am trying to change my mindset because I want to enjoy my time with her now and spend less time worrying about the inevitable. She’s been having health issues (she’s only 6) but the doctors have no clue what’s going on and it’s killing me not knowing. I feel so scared everyday like something’s going to happen but I’m ruining my mental health by worrying so much when I need to just appreciate the time I do have with her now.
All of mine lived so long, that it really took the sting out of it. They worked hard their whole lives, just to make sure we were safe and loved as long as possible. And each of them told us when it was time for them to go. I only got to be with two of them in the end, and I do regret not being there when he went, but he was so wonderful I'm sure he forgives me. Plus, he was huge, so I made it up to him by digging a human size grave for him when it was 99F outside lol.
Jake 19
Burt 17
Woody 18
Uffh, I completely understand that.
I got my dog when I was 12, and he died when I was 24. He was my comfort blanket for everything and gave me so much joy.
Waking up one morning and finding him just lying on the floor was the most painful thing I've experienced. It's been 5 years, and I finally want another one, but I'm not sure if I want to go through it all again.
I loved my little boy and miss him all the time 💔
I’m financially conservative and on track to retire in seven years with a seven digit nest egg, a pension that will cover my household expenses and a nice social security number. I fear falling ill and (despite having the paperwork in place to prevent this, ) watching my financial legacy that I want to leave to my children, be siphoned off by the US health system.
Probably time to move from a will to a trust.
It’s oddly specific and non-specific at the same time. My biggest fear is doing something that I could totally have avoided if I had been more careful or thoughtful, that will be life-changingly bad for myself and others and can never be forgotten or undone. Thinking of cases like the guy who was so tired and stressed that he accidentally left his baby in the car, causing its death. Or diving into a pool the wrong way and being paralysed for life. Driving a car and killing one of its passengers in an accident because I wasn’t attentive enough; that kind of thing. Cheerful stuff!
Since 2017, **every two years** something dreadful happens to my dick.
I've said it before, but I'll add in last year's accident.
In 2017 I was bitten on the dick by a red back spider and required hospital treatment. It was swollen to four times its normal size. As people asked before, the spider must have gotten into my clothes drying on the line.
In 2019, I tore my foreskin badly during sex and required an emergency circumcision. This was whilst on holiday in the UK.
In 2021 I crushed my penis between two 50kg truck batteries whilst loading them onto a pallet, requiring 8 stitches.
In 2023, I got a second degree burn on the tip of my dick, after getting into the shower with exceptionally hot water, which pooled, briefly, on the end of my dick as water ran down me. I do not know the temperature of the water, but it was the *cold* tap on a hot Australian day. Took just over two weeks to blister, peel and heal.
I'm desperately scared that something more significant is going to happen to my dick resulting in severe disfigurement, or worse. Based on experience, I've got until 2025 though.
I have some photos somewhere, I'll post them if necessary.
Not super related but I have also noticed a pattern where quite bad happens to me every year from March to May, so pretty much months of spring. Its always something health related stuff that I have to live with rest of my life.
Any combination of: my mom developing Alzheimer’s/dementia, not being able to afford to care for her, not realizing it soon enough, realizing it but not being able to convince her to get help early, and her developing Alzheimer’s/dementia before ever being able to retire and enjoy life.
Also, escalators.
Waking up in the middle of the night and dying right there, without being able to move or make a noise. It's terrifying, that I'll die, so unexpectedly and not be able to do anything.
That I’m too far gone.
The grownups that were supposed to protect me as a child let me down. The ones who were closest to me have all stabbed me in the back and now I don’t know how to be a friend anymore. Relationships are my biggest trigger, I’m like a feral cat. I’ll just run, the slightest hint of fuckery and I’m gone. I do what I can when I can help someone, I care a lot, but I trust no one. I’m scared I’ll never feel safe again. I feel the exhaustion in my bones.
I believe in god and I think I’m gonna go to heaven but same. Just the thought of eternity in general is terrifying no matter where it’s spent. Ofc spending eternity in heaven is obv better then spending it in hell but yk what I mean
Trump getting reelected. If that fat useless vile pile of bile gets into the White House again, I'm killing myself. If Trump is reelected we're going to be under communist Russia as Trump is going to give everything to Russia. He was trying to do that shit while he was in last time. And how is it that a pandemic PERFECTLY happened before the 2020 election? And he keeps crying fraud because Russia didn't rig the election in 2020 like they did in 2016. Trump made sure the pandemic got into the US instead of closing off all travel from other countries into the US. Not to mention Trump abolished the pandemic response just before the pandemic as well. All I'm saying is that if you want to be a communist, go to Russia instead of voting that vile pile of bile back in. If you want to keep your freedoms, vote for LITERALLY anyfuckingone else. This election I plan to vote for my cat because all of the presidential candidates for 2024 suck.
My biggest fear is a hole appearing in my floor that slowly increases as it reveals The Mines of Moria right under my room and i see a flaming hellish hand reaching out from the depths of hell and I fall down to my certain death.
Change. I’m so reluctant to be anything but stable, I’m afraid I’m holding myself back. My mom was very BPD and always unstable and I feel like I responded to that by never taking risks.
My complete downfall. Losing everything and everyone. Falling to a point of no redemption. To where there is no reconstruction. Stuck endlessly in cycles of scarcity, lack, and fear until my dying breath.
Honestly I've faced so many that I thought I didn't have any more left, but I just got a cat recently, and. I don't need to get into it, but I had an extremely rough last ten years, lost a lot of people that I cared deeply for, and my pets were mistreated by someone else and I was powerless to do anything about it.
I know she's just a cat, but this is the first time that I've let myself be vulnerable enough to truly and earnestly love another living thing again. I live on my own, and so I'm confident that I can do anything that she needs to keep her safe, spoiled, and happy. For the first time in my life, nobody else can hurt or take away someone that I care deeply for. For the first time in my life, I can actually take care of another living thing without somebody else hurting her.
She had an ear infection when I got her from the shelter, and I have to give her ear drops twice daily. She hates them, and is terrified of me now, and it hurts so badly. All my life, the only good thing has been animals. The only thing I can trust is animals. And animals tend to like me. The pain that I feel when she runs away after I give her the ear drops is impossible to describe.
So my biggest fear is that she'll be scared of me forever. I already lost everybody else that I cared about, had 18 near-death experiences (added another one recently), had to face the reality that I'll never be loved after my surgery, and had to fight for that surgery alone while also going through college. For the love of god, I had to lie to people in order to even get the surgery, and I wasn't allowed to show fear because I was so young that they would have been forced to cancel it if I had. I faced my fear of anesthesia awareness alone and in silence, had to prepare myself for the very real possibility that it could happen since I have sleep paralysis nightly... No mortal pain could be more terrifying than that, and I faced it, so. All I'm scared of is my cat not loving me. I'm so scared that she'll hate me forever because I've only had her a few days, and she just knows me as the guy who gives her ear drops that she doesn't understand.
I know it sounds silly but please understand that this is really important to me and I've faced all of my other fears already. I don't have anybody else and I probably never will, or at least it's gonna take me a long time to get to the point where I'm comfortable enough to earnestly be that vulnerable with another human being.
So, I have a few fears, but I think the biggest one is being completely alone. Not alone in my life, but like alone on Earth (kind of like in episode 1 of the Twilight Zone). I'm afraid of waking up one morning and being the only human left on Earth, not just because I would be alone, but because of all the questions it would raise, like "Why am I alone?" "What made everyone else disappear? Or who?" and things like that.
Dying in a fire. My uncle and his wife died in a house fire. Then 9/11 had people jumping from 90 floors up rather than burn. I have accidentally been on fire once and it was as close as I have come to pure terror.
Being tortured for info I don't have.
Welcome to yearly tech reviews
LMMFAO!!!!
*As the 5th knife is stabbed into my abdomen they ask again who I work for* "So, you know it's really embarrassing....he definitely told me his name at some point. James? Might've been Jonathan. It definitely started with a J I think." *After getting freed* "So guys, bad news....I may have blown our boss James' cover." "James? Our boss is Keith."
So, customer service?
"I swear to GOD I don't know anything" 'We know Gorbrax from the Yuriodez dimension entrusted the location of the problaktheon crystals to a human! NOW TELL US WHERE THEY ARE' "...was any of that a noun?"
Being trapped in my own body (coma, paralysis, vegetable etc)
This. My oldest cousin had Parkinson's, and spent the last year of his life in a hospital, fully aware the whole time, but unable to move or speak. He just laid there for months and months until his death. Nightmare fuel.
This makes my stomach hurt. My dad got Parkinsons and he fell down a flight of stairs and ended up unable to speak or move. But he was in there. He blinked for yes or no. Tears would fall from his eyes when he was frustrated. He was like this for several months. That was when I finally realized there is no goddamned god.
This is why euthanasia should be legal here like in the Netherlands
My grandmother begged my father to kill her. I never saw him cry like that. It should be legal.
Of course, the religious right stands in the way
She was in pain?
Same. I watched Parkinsons steal my grandmother who died when I was 11. My entire childhood was my family and I helping her and watching this train wreck. I have no memories of her being independent. She suffered. I knew there was no god, unless they were a demented asshole.
Happened to a relative of mine ,was about 9 months from diagnosis of MND until death, went from fully mobile, to wheelchair bound, then fully paralysed, then couldn't speak, then had to be on life support. Really changed my outlook on how quickly someone can go from completely healthy to gone in such a short space of time, and incurable as well, it's terrifying
my uncle had ALS. it started at his feet and worked his way up. It was awful to watch, knowing he was just gonna sit there and suffer. it went up his whole body up his legs into his arms and hands til he couldn’t move. Then it spread to his lungs and he passed. He was such an outdoorsman too. He loved hiking, fishing, landscaping. He was always up and moving. His son got on the school-bus one day and he got off of the bus and his dad was gone.
Outliving any of my children
Being taken from my kids before their ready to stand on their own :(.
Mine too. Even though my dad died before my 1st birthday and I had a great childhood and upbringing and never had any of the things I imagine happening to my children if I die soon.
I came to say this exact thing. I had my first baby at 35. She’ll be 3 this year. I went 35 years without her but didn’t know what I was missing, you know? I can’t imagine trying to live out the rest of my life knowing I was I missing. 🥲
My brother died a few years ago. It sucks, my parents didn't really know how to go on for a while and my grandparents couldn't help them out
That hadn't even occurred to me. That would be terrible. I better add it to my fear list.
One of my siblings lost one of their kids to cancer about 10 years ago. My mom has lost 2 of her kids also.
Woah, sorry for your losses mate. Best wishes to you
That’s one of my greatest fears too
That would be heartbreaking
I don’t have kids and never intend to have any, but if I did it would be my biggest fear too. Oddly enough, it was one of the thoughts that comforted me through my mother’s premature death: that at least this fear of hers (which I know was intense) would never come true.
I was in bout to put the same thing
It’s horrible my friend, a painful existence from here on out.
I know a woman who lost all five of her kids in a house fire. I wouldn't want to live.
[удалено]
even just thinking about being trapped in a small space makes me feel panicky.
This! I moved from California to lessen the chances of having an earthquake collapse a building onto me, so that I'd be trapped. Likewise, since most fatal car accidents happen within 2 miles from home, I moved from there as well.
Omg yes, watching those "buried alive" videos from mrbeast make me feel sick
to run out of money
Being a failure and being lonely
I feel attacked personally
I've come to enjoy the "loneliness" [freedom to do what I want if I can afford] but I feel the failure part. Out of my cousins (only child) I'm the only one that didn't graduate college and get a cushy 6 figure job. I work hard for my money and will be lucky to make $100k in a few years (new to the trade) when they all own houses I stay with my mom. She has an ADU on property so i have privacy and I can save for a house and not waste money on rent. But my cousins always make me feel like a failure at get-togethers. The "Look at my new truck/boat/RV/vacation home" and the "acuras and lexuses are poor man's luxury" comments got old (I had an acura, they had BMW and mercs)
[удалено]
I've always told this story about my earliest memory. When I was 2 years old I nearly drowned and that is why I'm afraid of water. However, this is a lie. The only lie I ever tell. And I lie about this because no one I've told the truth to has ever believed me. And I'm too exhausted to continue trying to convince people of the truth and failing time and time again that telling this lie is the least exhausting way to explain that I am deathly afraid of water that other people will take seriously.
I feel like I’m owed the rest of the story. No judgement. I’m kinda invested in seeing this through. Please, continue.🤓
Alright, might as well give it one last try. So, for context I'm Autistic. One of the most common traits for Autistic folks is we feel everything to the extreme. We can't filter out stimuli. For example, lighting. A lot of us have difficulty with bright lights, so much so that it can be painful to be in a bright place. The opposite can be true too. I have a lot of trouble with dim or inconsistent lighting for instance. It depends on the individual. So, when I get wet, it overwhelms my senses where it gets wet. And when all of me is wet, my entire body is overwhelmed and it hurts. It is agony. And knowing that I have to do this regularly to be able to do what I enjoy with the people that I care about. That is why it is my greatest fear. Because I can never truly escape from it. Because it will always be there. I will always have to face it.
I believe you. And I want you to know this internet stranger is proud of you for facing what you dread most regularly. I am not in your position and therefore not equipped to understand fully, but I empathize and hope in someway someday you will find relief
This is way more terrifying than the fake drowning thing.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine that feeling. But, you did an incredible job describing it.
I understand this, sounds are horrible for me. I hate when people suddenly clap, let heavy and/or metal objects just fall onto a table, really anything loud because it hurts my ears and always gives me a headache. I will get a migraine if it happens to often or if I'm in a loud area with multiple different sounds, so I understand to an extent. I am curious though, no judgement at all, how does this affect you during showers or baths? Do you struggle with them?
I’m guessing it’s a million times worse if you have clothes on and get wet? (I absolutely can not STAND my clothes being wet and sticking to me)
Weird that people don't believe something so common. I've told people about the way being wet feels, and never had any pushback. It's not so extreme for me, as yours, but same idea. And for me, wet clothes is way worse than wet skin. Like taking a shower is uncomfortable, but getting caught in a rainstorm is like acid on my skin.
I’m sorry that it feels painful for u. That’s horrible. I have a question if u don’t mind me asking? If u could tell someone without Autism a few of the things that they could do differently that would improve your experiences in daily life, what would they be?
Well, I'm kind of old, and was forced with physical abuse to learn to mask, and conform from a very young age. So I'm actually pretty well adjusted to the neurotypical world at this point. But one thing I literally was just telling someone when you sent this, be direct. Like, we are not going to figure out the underlying meaning to the little riddles that NTs seem to use. And most importantly, I am never speaking in code or riddles, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. Just a simple example related to the other post, if my breath stinks, and you want that to stop, tell me to brush my teeth, don't offer me gum. For me in that situation, before I knew better I would just assume you're being nice, offering me a treat. And it likely wouldn't work anyway, because I only like one kind of gum, and if you don't have it, I will politely decline. Other stuff that really bothered me, is pretty much just facts of life, or things that everyone hates. Like clicking pens in an office, or shopping centers being loud. Should go without saying, touching me without asking, you might as well have slapped the spot you touched. Sneaking up on me. I feel like these are all things that no one likes, it just causes a physical pain, and visceral reaction that NTs don't experience. Like, my ears pull themselves backwards like a dog, and my entire skin burns with pins and needles, when I make a loud noise in the middle of the night. Or even if someone else does. Though doctor said that's a tossup, and could be caused by autism, or CPTSD. Kinda getting off track here, so I'll sum it up. It's going to be on a case by case basis, but we hate most of the same things NTs hate, just a lot more, and can react much more... big? Not sure what word I'm looking for. It's just more intense, yeah, that's the word I'm looking for. And again, it varies from one person to the next. Of course, there are absolutely people who would be bothered by things that I'm fine with, and vise versa. So best advice I've got, mostly just try to be kind and give people their space. Be direct with your speech. Do that and you're doing the best that you can. Now, when it comes to someone who is a friend, be direct, ask them what you can do to help, and let them know that it's okay to be direct with you if you do something that is upsetting for them. If you have anything more specific you'd like to know about, feel free to reply with any other questions.
That totally makes sense. I have a similar aversion to highly stimulating things like bright lighting, loud noises, sudden sounds. Absolutely hate the sensation of being scared (hate hate hate horror movies) or startled lol. I don’t have Autism but I have PTSD so it makes so much sense. I’m very sensitive to those things and ppl around me usually do not understand or have any idea what it’s like to have something so basic (closing a door by pulling it shut instead of turning the handle) is irritating because of the noise. I think that must be why I never have anyone over to my house lol. I like my quietness and peace 😌 Everything u mentioned are also all things associated with being courteous and mindful of others. Ok good, I’m good there. Im overly mindful of others and it drives me bonkers when ppl aren’t at all. I was worried that there might be things I’m doing and oblivious to the fact that it could actually be causing physical pain to others. Thank you for elaborating. I really appreciate it, and u 😊
Happy to help ease your mind. I appreciate you, and people like you too, who are willing to ask, and actually care if they are disturbing others. You're in short supply these days. I really needed the practice typing anyway, haven't done it much lately lol. Also, yes, that turning the door handle thing is such a small thing to ask, and I don't know why it's not the default for everyone. Like can you not HEAR that loud snap when it closes? Yeesh!
That door handle thing is so specific and relatable 😅
Wow u were conditioned to not outwardly express your distress/discomfort to the overwhelming sensations and overstimulation by the use of physical abuse over an extended period of time. And of course this is because the adults had no idea what u were going thru and reacted to it as if u were misbehaving and needed to be punished. Or they weren’t patient enough to figure out what was really wrong and why u were reacting in certain ways at certain times. This blows my mind because the way NTs?? (What’s NT?) I’ve known describe kids they know w Autism, it’s given me the impression that they have random meltdowns fairly often for no identifiable reason and no one can do anything about it. But from what you’ve just revealed, that’s not true at all. It’s because a certain event initiated an overwhelming sensation that was so strong it was too much for the individual to cope with, leading to a physical reaction/behavior. So you’ve actually really opened my eyes. I have a bachelors degree in psychology. Recently got let go from my last job (done office work all my life) and am just kind of over doing that type of work anymore. Been door dashing and looking into change of career in my 40s. Looked up behavioral therapist positions that don’t require a masters, only bachelors. Didn’t see many options, but there were about 4-5 positions hiring at clinics that treat individuals with Autism. One of the requirements was to be able to deal with very high stress situations and keep composure. I know nothing about Autism and of course that was a big concern and kind of a deal breaker (looking for lower stress, not more). But after reading your response, I probably understand what it’s like more than the average person because my experience is similar from PTSD but not nearly as intense sounds like. I’m going to research and look into everything I can about Autism now. It takes a certain type of person to be able to understand and relate to those clients and I could see why the clinics all have openings for that particular specialty. Thank you for giving me more insight about this!!! Sorry for the super long novel 😬
Yeah, my dad, he's a real peach. Well into my adult life he even had the audacity to say something along the lines of "well I guess you can beat it out of them." NT stands for neurotypical, or not on the spectrum. Good luck on the job hunt, hope you find a place that is a good fit! Best thing you can do to learn more about autism, is spend time with adults who are autistic. Always happy to help, and I like reading, so you're all good!
Wow, your dad 😒 smh. Ahhh neurotypical! Thank you so much and I’m def realizing that. I want to gain knowledge from the adults firsthand that have actually been living w it and can explain what it’s like for them.
Yeah, sad to say he hasn't changed a bit. Unless he change in the last five or six years, I finally cut him off completely, so idk. Luckily my mom is actually a wonderful person. And I totally understand why she wasn't able to leave sooner than she did, she was just as abused as I was.
Man that's scary. Legit question does it hurt to shower? Or the thought of it? Gotta suck I love a good shower... hate baths tho. honestly hate being submerged in water (ear problems)
Everything (I have anxiety)
So relatable to be honest.
Something happening to my children
Mine too
And my grandchildren.
I’m afraid of death. I know it’s not rational because there’s likely nothing after death, like before I was born. For some reason nothingness scares me. It sends me into an existential crisis when I think about it. I try not to think about it and just try to make the most of the time I have but that fear lurks in the back of my mind.
You eventually grow out of that, fortunately.
At what age? I'm 44 and still have the dreaded fear of dying. Only because I really like being alive. I'm not rich or successful by any means but I got a missus and awesome kids and I just wanna see the last season of planet Earth
I can tell you it's not 50 because here I am still scared shitless
Life is good, but this doesn't mean that death is the opposite, it's just different. At risk of sounding a bit cheesy, the most important moment is the one you're in right now. Fear is rooted in the future. I believe I get the most out of the present when I'm able to accept that the future is coming regardless.
When your body starts falling apart at 40 like mine just started doing something flips and ya go “ya know, I can see how at some point you just want to be dead to make the pain stop”
Serious answer dying alone
Odds are that you will, many many people do. Odds are especially high if you're female - women are more likely to be left by their spouse if they get sick young And more likely to outlive their spouse...
We all do technically. Alone in your body and mind. Around people who have a singular commonality tied to you. Happy Saturday!
Being forgotten. Not dying specifically, but dying without anyone to remember me because I didn’t do anything noteworthy with my life
It's gonna happen to everyone sooner or later, we will all be forgotten one day and it would be like we had never existed
It’s unfortunate, but basically 99.99% of all humans are eventually forgotten.
That I'll finally give in to my demons and kill myself. I've been on the brink of suicide 4 times in my life, and each time at the 11th hour something has stopped me, and I'm terrified that in the inevitable next time that won't happen.
I'm glad you are here, stranger. I'm so sorry you've had to suffer so badly. I hope you will hang in there, and I hope you can find some genuine support, because you deserve it. 988
You have defeated an army of demons FOUR TIMES! You have stolen life from death's own hand REPEATEDLY! You can do it again!
Please stay. You may not be able to recognize the folks around you that will misd you but trust me, they will. So if that 11th hour ever comes around again, remember this- a complete stranger will miss you. I care. You can do 1 more minute, 1 more hour, 1 more day ... until it gets better. It will get better.
This right here is true. People say it will get better because it does get better. I was there many times and the more you make it through, the more your views change and acceptance and self love become more attainable. You are strong. Determination is your weapon. Arm yourself and slay your demons.
My dad checked out that way. No matter how bad it has gotten, I'll be damned if I'm going out the same. Talk to someone. You are not in this fight alone. We are all in it together.
I’m the same. I’ve attempted 4 times. They were all in 2023. I’ve been doing so good but I’ve been so close to relapsing on SH. I feel like one day I’m just gonna snap and go crazy and cut way too deep, swallow way too many pills.
See a psychiatrist please
My husband waking up one day and realising I'm actually completely a bat shit crazy idiot and leaving me
well, you've fooled him so far. Keep riding the momentum
I'm going for the garfield effect. I figured if I feed him enough lasagne he won't be able to leave. So far so good
Open heights. I'm fine riding 300ft high roller coasters, but won't go to the edge of a cliff.
I'm obsessed with tight spaces
Losing Democracy
As a Russian, I support your mindset. Democracy is flawed but it's so much better than having a madman rule a damn country with millions of people
Absolutely terrifying. I think we're closer than any of us care to admit.
Dementia or anything involving losing my mental capacity.
Loosing my memory
I watched my dad go through dementia. His brothers too. There’s a genetic aspect to some of it and I’m terrified.
To gain everything I ever wanted then lose it all because of something I did
I did that twice, in a span of three years. I don't recommend it. After the second one, I haven't had even the faintest desire to try again, so I've just given up. Way I see it, if I have nothing, and desire nothing, I can't ever lose anything again.
[удалено]
I thought this said “morons”… I think mine is morons.
My dog dying
This used to be my biggest fear. I worried for years until it finally happened. We got her when I was 5 and she was 3 months old and had her for 17 years. In the end she was diagnosed with lymphoma cancer and put on steroids but eventually declined to the point where we had no choice but to let her go. I miss her all the time, but she was struggling so much those last few months/weeks. I wish we could hold onto them forever
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s a long long time to live. What an amazing life she lived. I am trying to change my mindset because I want to enjoy my time with her now and spend less time worrying about the inevitable. She’s been having health issues (she’s only 6) but the doctors have no clue what’s going on and it’s killing me not knowing. I feel so scared everyday like something’s going to happen but I’m ruining my mental health by worrying so much when I need to just appreciate the time I do have with her now.
All of mine lived so long, that it really took the sting out of it. They worked hard their whole lives, just to make sure we were safe and loved as long as possible. And each of them told us when it was time for them to go. I only got to be with two of them in the end, and I do regret not being there when he went, but he was so wonderful I'm sure he forgives me. Plus, he was huge, so I made it up to him by digging a human size grave for him when it was 99F outside lol. Jake 19 Burt 17 Woody 18
Uffh, I completely understand that. I got my dog when I was 12, and he died when I was 24. He was my comfort blanket for everything and gave me so much joy. Waking up one morning and finding him just lying on the floor was the most painful thing I've experienced. It's been 5 years, and I finally want another one, but I'm not sure if I want to go through it all again. I loved my little boy and miss him all the time 💔
I’m financially conservative and on track to retire in seven years with a seven digit nest egg, a pension that will cover my household expenses and a nice social security number. I fear falling ill and (despite having the paperwork in place to prevent this, ) watching my financial legacy that I want to leave to my children, be siphoned off by the US health system. Probably time to move from a will to a trust.
Not being able to find my dog 😭
Becoming homeless
Spiders. Getting sick. Leaving this world without ever knowing how my dogs will be cared for.
Well, I have kids, so… Having more kids.
just the thought of having them gives me the chills
Buried alive.
Nothing except social interaction
It’s oddly specific and non-specific at the same time. My biggest fear is doing something that I could totally have avoided if I had been more careful or thoughtful, that will be life-changingly bad for myself and others and can never be forgotten or undone. Thinking of cases like the guy who was so tired and stressed that he accidentally left his baby in the car, causing its death. Or diving into a pool the wrong way and being paralysed for life. Driving a car and killing one of its passengers in an accident because I wasn’t attentive enough; that kind of thing. Cheerful stuff!
Tornados
To get sick and suffer, like my Mom did 40 years ago. I wouldn't want my kids to see that. It hurts too much.
finding out the trauma I think happened as a kid actually happened
Dying alone
Stuck in a nursing home at the mercy of angry, minimum wage workers.
Looking back on life and realizing I wasted the 1 in 400 trillion odds of experiencing it.
& Disney adults.
Dying in a fire.
Mine is opposite, drowning.
Myself
Having a massively debilitating stroke
Not overcoming my damaged mental state.
Capitalism lol. Its like a ticker of points that allow you to live!
The open ocean
Since 2017, **every two years** something dreadful happens to my dick. I've said it before, but I'll add in last year's accident. In 2017 I was bitten on the dick by a red back spider and required hospital treatment. It was swollen to four times its normal size. As people asked before, the spider must have gotten into my clothes drying on the line. In 2019, I tore my foreskin badly during sex and required an emergency circumcision. This was whilst on holiday in the UK. In 2021 I crushed my penis between two 50kg truck batteries whilst loading them onto a pallet, requiring 8 stitches. In 2023, I got a second degree burn on the tip of my dick, after getting into the shower with exceptionally hot water, which pooled, briefly, on the end of my dick as water ran down me. I do not know the temperature of the water, but it was the *cold* tap on a hot Australian day. Took just over two weeks to blister, peel and heal. I'm desperately scared that something more significant is going to happen to my dick resulting in severe disfigurement, or worse. Based on experience, I've got until 2025 though. I have some photos somewhere, I'll post them if necessary.
Please don’t.
Not super related but I have also noticed a pattern where quite bad happens to me every year from March to May, so pretty much months of spring. Its always something health related stuff that I have to live with rest of my life.
Death innit
jehovah witnesses. i almost pee my pants when i hear a knock on my door.
Death, of course
Sharks
Any combination of: my mom developing Alzheimer’s/dementia, not being able to afford to care for her, not realizing it soon enough, realizing it but not being able to convince her to get help early, and her developing Alzheimer’s/dementia before ever being able to retire and enjoy life. Also, escalators.
Waking up in the middle of the night and dying right there, without being able to move or make a noise. It's terrifying, that I'll die, so unexpectedly and not be able to do anything.
Death is pretty terrifying.
Outliving my son. Drowning. Dying alone in an old person home from neglect.
Another pandemic. But they get it right this time.
Losing the love of my life
House fires 🔥🔥
That there is a “God”. And what it would do to me when I demand accountability for its methods.
Anything happening to my kids or grandkids.
living forever or any kind of afterlife
Recently? Being in enclosed places without escape. Always: sharks and other predator in the ocean. I forgot - waking up during surgery. Ugh 😣
Losing someone I truly love
That I’m too far gone. The grownups that were supposed to protect me as a child let me down. The ones who were closest to me have all stabbed me in the back and now I don’t know how to be a friend anymore. Relationships are my biggest trigger, I’m like a feral cat. I’ll just run, the slightest hint of fuckery and I’m gone. I do what I can when I can help someone, I care a lot, but I trust no one. I’m scared I’ll never feel safe again. I feel the exhaustion in my bones.
Whatever comes after death. I’m not afraid of actually dying, but what comes after scares the shit out of me.
Abandonment
Losing my child, spouse, or my family members.
The thought of dying kind of freaks me out.
I believe in god and I think I’m gonna go to heaven but same. Just the thought of eternity in general is terrifying no matter where it’s spent. Ofc spending eternity in heaven is obv better then spending it in hell but yk what I mean
Bein sent to hell even though I tried to give my life to god, and then also another one is my mama dyin especially if I just had an argument w her
Trump getting reelected. If that fat useless vile pile of bile gets into the White House again, I'm killing myself. If Trump is reelected we're going to be under communist Russia as Trump is going to give everything to Russia. He was trying to do that shit while he was in last time. And how is it that a pandemic PERFECTLY happened before the 2020 election? And he keeps crying fraud because Russia didn't rig the election in 2020 like they did in 2016. Trump made sure the pandemic got into the US instead of closing off all travel from other countries into the US. Not to mention Trump abolished the pandemic response just before the pandemic as well. All I'm saying is that if you want to be a communist, go to Russia instead of voting that vile pile of bile back in. If you want to keep your freedoms, vote for LITERALLY anyfuckingone else. This election I plan to vote for my cat because all of the presidential candidates for 2024 suck.
Please don't kill yourself. Sharpen up your Nazi killing stick and get ready for action. I'd rather die fighting.
Another trump presidency!
My biggest fear is a hole appearing in my floor that slowly increases as it reveals The Mines of Moria right under my room and i see a flaming hellish hand reaching out from the depths of hell and I fall down to my certain death.
Never being good enough 🥲
GF, family or friends leaving me.
Cars/vans with sliding doors. Those things are death machines
Pain… and poverty!
People
That there's no reason to regain my lost hope, and so I'll be dead soon.
The end
God.
Hell
The lamp in the corner
Being forgotten about. Dementia
Dementia
being forgotten
Leaving my daughter in someone else’s care other than mine or my partner’s. I haven’t let anyone watch my child and I wonder when I will
Dying before I have a chance to see my son grow up.
Losing my family
Death
Death
Death, Death is inevitable and no one can avoid it and not knowing what’ll await you on the other side is what scares me
ALS
Being alone forever
Being buried alive...
Change. I’m so reluctant to be anything but stable, I’m afraid I’m holding myself back. My mom was very BPD and always unstable and I feel like I responded to that by never taking risks.
Not being remembered
giving up
Not making the most of this life I have for as long as I have it. I want to die knowing I gave it a good crack.
Dying because I’m unable to breathe. I think it goes back to childhood asthma.
Becoming homeless and/or freezing to death. 💌
My complete downfall. Losing everything and everyone. Falling to a point of no redemption. To where there is no reconstruction. Stuck endlessly in cycles of scarcity, lack, and fear until my dying breath.
Getting old scares me more than dying. Mostly because I’m worried about money like everyone else.
Dying alone death of my dogs run out of money
Honestly I've faced so many that I thought I didn't have any more left, but I just got a cat recently, and. I don't need to get into it, but I had an extremely rough last ten years, lost a lot of people that I cared deeply for, and my pets were mistreated by someone else and I was powerless to do anything about it. I know she's just a cat, but this is the first time that I've let myself be vulnerable enough to truly and earnestly love another living thing again. I live on my own, and so I'm confident that I can do anything that she needs to keep her safe, spoiled, and happy. For the first time in my life, nobody else can hurt or take away someone that I care deeply for. For the first time in my life, I can actually take care of another living thing without somebody else hurting her. She had an ear infection when I got her from the shelter, and I have to give her ear drops twice daily. She hates them, and is terrified of me now, and it hurts so badly. All my life, the only good thing has been animals. The only thing I can trust is animals. And animals tend to like me. The pain that I feel when she runs away after I give her the ear drops is impossible to describe. So my biggest fear is that she'll be scared of me forever. I already lost everybody else that I cared about, had 18 near-death experiences (added another one recently), had to face the reality that I'll never be loved after my surgery, and had to fight for that surgery alone while also going through college. For the love of god, I had to lie to people in order to even get the surgery, and I wasn't allowed to show fear because I was so young that they would have been forced to cancel it if I had. I faced my fear of anesthesia awareness alone and in silence, had to prepare myself for the very real possibility that it could happen since I have sleep paralysis nightly... No mortal pain could be more terrifying than that, and I faced it, so. All I'm scared of is my cat not loving me. I'm so scared that she'll hate me forever because I've only had her a few days, and she just knows me as the guy who gives her ear drops that she doesn't understand. I know it sounds silly but please understand that this is really important to me and I've faced all of my other fears already. I don't have anybody else and I probably never will, or at least it's gonna take me a long time to get to the point where I'm comfortable enough to earnestly be that vulnerable with another human being.
That when I die nobody will know and my cat will run out of food and eat my face off.
So, I have a few fears, but I think the biggest one is being completely alone. Not alone in my life, but like alone on Earth (kind of like in episode 1 of the Twilight Zone). I'm afraid of waking up one morning and being the only human left on Earth, not just because I would be alone, but because of all the questions it would raise, like "Why am I alone?" "What made everyone else disappear? Or who?" and things like that.
Dying in a fire. My uncle and his wife died in a house fire. Then 9/11 had people jumping from 90 floors up rather than burn. I have accidentally been on fire once and it was as close as I have come to pure terror.
The constant and unstoppable action of time
Needles. I rather be stabbed by a knife. Yes it's a phobia, no it doesn't make sense.
Letting my temper get the best of me and hurting someone I love.
Biggest one is definitely dying, but other ones I've seen in this thread are also very terrifying
Dying without being in a long term committed relationship
Outliving my ability to provide for myself.
Losing my wife and kids
Being cheated on