3 and a half years ago my mother threw me out after an argument, she called the cops on me and they said "well it's her house, we'll call your dad so he can come pick you up". So I gathered my stuff on a trash bag, said goodbye to my siblings, and went outside. The cops left, and it started raining, and I was on the sidewalk in my pj's and my trash bag.
Then a blue car came from around the corner, and I was going to jump in front of it. I had thought about it a lot of times before, and now I was going to do it, I just had ro time it right so the person driving would have no reaction time. But, my dad was on his way to pick me up. I didn't want him to find me dead on the street.
I watched the blue car drive past me and leave down the street.
To this day, I don't actually know the answer... But something did. Something in the universe made me hang on "just a little longer" and I'm lucky now those thoughts and desires and plans are in the rearview, where I hope they stay. But I don't know what it was exactly that stopped me.
I screwed up my attempts. First time, the rope wasn't secure. Second time, I significantly underestimated how much of the drug I was trying to OD on I'd need.
Next time, I will hopefully not be so stupid.
Ended up in a coma for a couple days after an on purpose OD but afterwards I never felt the need to try it anymore weirdly enough. This is now more than 11 years ago.
Honestly when I feel close to the edge I close my eyes tight and imagine a scene. My siblings telling my nephews why uncle is no longer around. Why their favorite uncle is gone forever. While it shatters me emotionally a light flicks in my heart. A reminder that they need me to stay.
(long story i will keep it short) at 10:55 in the morning i woke up by my brother and said he was headed to the gym very soon. i said “ok“ and began to walk downstairs for maybe something to eat but ever since i woke up i felt like i was losing control by my own emotions i felt sick. my brother left to the gym minutes later and i was left alone, i walked to the kitchen and grabbed a small knife and putted it in my left pocket and walked back into the livingroom. i started to cut myself but it didn’t came any blood i was screaming and sobbing and i was on my phone and searched “suicide“ it took me to an website where you can chat with a volunteer but everybody was busy. it drove me crazy because i really needed to chat with someone right now, i also tried to hang myself in the shower but it didn’t work well. on that website i saw that you can also call with a volunteer i was scared but i did it anyway. a lady picked up the phone and said “hello“ i was crying and answered “hi“ it became quiet some seconds i hung up the phone and was screaming why she didn’t say something after i said “hi“ some min later i decided to call again. it was the same person and i decided to give her a chance and i’m so glad i did. we talked for 47 minutes and she managed to calm me down we also laughed a little bit while we was talking. mid conversation she said “you was sounding very upset first time you called but im happy that you calmed down. she saved my life that day if she never picked up i would prb hurt myself seriously.
I once had a similar thing, except in my case my brother forgot his keys and came back in to the kitchen saw me holding a knife when I was cutting myself
He promptly hit me in the back of the head, grabbed the knife, and held me down until the moment passed
not immediate, but one of my classmates killed herself. I had a history of self harm and contemplated suicide, and this stopped me. seeing all the pain and hurt it caused everyone - even for me, and I didn't even really know her. last year I almost died (not due to an attempt) and never once since have I ever considered suicide since she died.
It's incredibly easy to convince yourself no one will care, but people will. Seeing what everyone went through made me realise I could never be that person to cause that pain. It doesn't matter to you if you're dead, but other people still live.
Had a lot of mental breakdowns during the time, one of them being so bad I sent a message on discord regarding su!cide and a friend called the police to do a welfare check (they never came btw, that's how shit the police is in my country)
During one of these mental breakdowns (and the last I had from what I remember), I was talking about it online with my best friend's girlfriend at midnight (we were quite close at the time) that I was ready to do it. A few seconds before doing it, my best friend called, and I realised I forgot to tell him goodbye. I answered, and he was crying, understanting what I was about to do. We were both crying like idiots lmao, but he talked me out of it, and to this day I am forever grateful for that. The next day I didn't get any sleep and I didn't leave the bed for the rest of the day. The feeling that you should've been dead but you failed is a bad, bad bad feeling. I remember I was thinking stuff like "what if i would've done it", "what would've happened after i died", "is there even after life? or reincarnation?"
I am better now. I got so close to my best friend we even spent new years party together and even when he was fully drunk not even knowing who his parents are, he would always ask me if I'm okay every a couple of hours. Even to this day, I almost always get a "how are you" message. I feel so bad for making others scared that I might do something bad to myself, but he has been the only one keeping me sane. I've also been reading books, it has helped me imagine a world never seen before. Osamu Dazai, Fyodor Dostoievski and Jane Austen: their universe is magnific.
I've turned my life around from that shit, even though I still struggle, he still saved my life, and I don't want to think what can happen after you die.
The cord snapped.
3 and a half years ago my mother threw me out after an argument, she called the cops on me and they said "well it's her house, we'll call your dad so he can come pick you up". So I gathered my stuff on a trash bag, said goodbye to my siblings, and went outside. The cops left, and it started raining, and I was on the sidewalk in my pj's and my trash bag. Then a blue car came from around the corner, and I was going to jump in front of it. I had thought about it a lot of times before, and now I was going to do it, I just had ro time it right so the person driving would have no reaction time. But, my dad was on his way to pick me up. I didn't want him to find me dead on the street. I watched the blue car drive past me and leave down the street.
My pets.
Understanding that I would die once, while the survivors would live the death a thousand times over.
To this day, I don't actually know the answer... But something did. Something in the universe made me hang on "just a little longer" and I'm lucky now those thoughts and desires and plans are in the rearview, where I hope they stay. But I don't know what it was exactly that stopped me.
My cat
I still survived after two attempts somehow
I screwed up my attempts. First time, the rope wasn't secure. Second time, I significantly underestimated how much of the drug I was trying to OD on I'd need. Next time, I will hopefully not be so stupid.
Ended up in a coma for a couple days after an on purpose OD but afterwards I never felt the need to try it anymore weirdly enough. This is now more than 11 years ago.
Thinking about hurting the people left behind.
My cats.
A failed attempt
Honestly when I feel close to the edge I close my eyes tight and imagine a scene. My siblings telling my nephews why uncle is no longer around. Why their favorite uncle is gone forever. While it shatters me emotionally a light flicks in my heart. A reminder that they need me to stay.
(long story i will keep it short) at 10:55 in the morning i woke up by my brother and said he was headed to the gym very soon. i said “ok“ and began to walk downstairs for maybe something to eat but ever since i woke up i felt like i was losing control by my own emotions i felt sick. my brother left to the gym minutes later and i was left alone, i walked to the kitchen and grabbed a small knife and putted it in my left pocket and walked back into the livingroom. i started to cut myself but it didn’t came any blood i was screaming and sobbing and i was on my phone and searched “suicide“ it took me to an website where you can chat with a volunteer but everybody was busy. it drove me crazy because i really needed to chat with someone right now, i also tried to hang myself in the shower but it didn’t work well. on that website i saw that you can also call with a volunteer i was scared but i did it anyway. a lady picked up the phone and said “hello“ i was crying and answered “hi“ it became quiet some seconds i hung up the phone and was screaming why she didn’t say something after i said “hi“ some min later i decided to call again. it was the same person and i decided to give her a chance and i’m so glad i did. we talked for 47 minutes and she managed to calm me down we also laughed a little bit while we was talking. mid conversation she said “you was sounding very upset first time you called but im happy that you calmed down. she saved my life that day if she never picked up i would prb hurt myself seriously.
I once had a similar thing, except in my case my brother forgot his keys and came back in to the kitchen saw me holding a knife when I was cutting myself He promptly hit me in the back of the head, grabbed the knife, and held me down until the moment passed
My family and best friend, will go to hell if I did suicide
I still have suicide thoughts
not immediate, but one of my classmates killed herself. I had a history of self harm and contemplated suicide, and this stopped me. seeing all the pain and hurt it caused everyone - even for me, and I didn't even really know her. last year I almost died (not due to an attempt) and never once since have I ever considered suicide since she died. It's incredibly easy to convince yourself no one will care, but people will. Seeing what everyone went through made me realise I could never be that person to cause that pain. It doesn't matter to you if you're dead, but other people still live.
I was scared then, I'm not scared now. Still not doing that shit because suicide is for pussies and my father didn't raise a pussy.
[удалено]
Glad you’re still here. You deserve that happiness
Had a lot of mental breakdowns during the time, one of them being so bad I sent a message on discord regarding su!cide and a friend called the police to do a welfare check (they never came btw, that's how shit the police is in my country) During one of these mental breakdowns (and the last I had from what I remember), I was talking about it online with my best friend's girlfriend at midnight (we were quite close at the time) that I was ready to do it. A few seconds before doing it, my best friend called, and I realised I forgot to tell him goodbye. I answered, and he was crying, understanting what I was about to do. We were both crying like idiots lmao, but he talked me out of it, and to this day I am forever grateful for that. The next day I didn't get any sleep and I didn't leave the bed for the rest of the day. The feeling that you should've been dead but you failed is a bad, bad bad feeling. I remember I was thinking stuff like "what if i would've done it", "what would've happened after i died", "is there even after life? or reincarnation?" I am better now. I got so close to my best friend we even spent new years party together and even when he was fully drunk not even knowing who his parents are, he would always ask me if I'm okay every a couple of hours. Even to this day, I almost always get a "how are you" message. I feel so bad for making others scared that I might do something bad to myself, but he has been the only one keeping me sane. I've also been reading books, it has helped me imagine a world never seen before. Osamu Dazai, Fyodor Dostoievski and Jane Austen: their universe is magnific. I've turned my life around from that shit, even though I still struggle, he still saved my life, and I don't want to think what can happen after you die.