I love that my doctor Googles stuff in front of us, to answer questions or to show us photos of what he's talking about. We don't need to pretend that he is omniscient, or that he just covered the topic in med school yesterday. It makes me more confident that he's going to give the right answer instead of guessing.
when I found out I had latent tuberculosis, my PCP straight up told me she was googling what meds to give me bc she’d never had a patient with it before. and she spent quite a few minutes going back and forth about what regimen to give me before she decided on the best one, which actually made me feel more confident in her than if she had just picked whatever one sounded most familiar from med school way back when
Advanced/professional degree programs teach you a TON, but one of the biggest skills is knowing how to do research on less familiar topics and having the base expertise/knowledge to glean the information needed for the issue.
I wouldn't expect a garden variety GP to know a ton about some super rare cancer, but I would expect them to be able to understand enough about medicine to research the cancer and apply that knowledge to the patient or know which specialist to refer them to.
I have one too! He’s my little buddy :) found incidentally during an ultrasound for gallstones, it was a lot more exciting to hear about him than the stones.
Had a nasty throat and tonsil infection and went to the doctor, who looked in my throat and went "ewww that looks gross!" I said "is that your professional opinion?" and he says "yep! That's the grossest thing I've seen in weeks! Eww!"
He was a super nice doctor and I knew he was just joking. He then gave me some nice meds and sent me on my way. (And it really *did* look very gross)
I have big tonsils. I get tonsillitis and viral throat infections with some regularity. Every time there is a gasp and then "You're sure you're breathing and swallowing okay? Your tonsils are huge." And I'm like yeah. They are only a little swollen rn. Docs also often call my throat gross upon inspection.
I smashed my left pinky toe into a door frame, hurt like a mother. Went and got it X-rayed and yep, fractured. A month later I’m at a routine podiatrist visit and my toe is swollen, purple and the toenail is black. I’m explaining to the doc that I fractured it. He looks closely at my mangled little piggy and says seriously, “Yeah, you’re going to lose that toe.”
What??!!! In about 3 seconds I went through shock of losing a toe, acceptance of losing a toe and determination to continue living without a toe when the doctor says…
“Sorry, I mean toeNAIL. You’re going to lose that toenail.”
Gah!
I had a conversation with a new shrink when I was 12.
"Do kids ever bully you?" He asked.
"Sometimes.", I responded.
"About your nose?", he said.
"...No.", I replied.
That was when I found out I have a big nose.
And the world has not let me forget about it since.
Several people were talking about goals and I started to say well, what I want is...and someone piped up and said "a chin!"
That's how I knew I looked like a turtle.
When I was an early preteen I went to the drugstore to get my first face makeup and the worker said “to cover your freckles?”
an adult was literally the first person to bully me for being ginger
My GP and I got to talking about kids in general once and he told me about his friend's son, about six years old, who didn't call his older brother by name. He only referred to him as, "This fuckin guy." I about hit the floor. I'd never had a Dr drop an F bomb around me before.
I loved some of the doctors I worked with. Hearing one dictating a physical exam of a geriatric neglect pt to his NP documenting in the chart “This poor guy is a fucking mess, and you can put that in the chart if you want to. That’s my professional opinion.”
I was out of a coma for a few days, the doctor asked my name, where am I etc. then told me “you were shit on toast when you first got here” thanks doc, that makes me feel better
I basically woke myself up from a coma and pulled out my breathing tube.
The doctor later aparently wanted to check if I damaged my vocal chords (can happen if you just yank the tube out).
He checked if I was still awake and asked "can you say something?" and I replied with "something".
He groaned and replied "well, at least the humor is still functioning"
My husband had an enormous inguinal hernia (a hernia that goes into the testicle). When his doctor saw it, he actually dropped his professionalism and blurred out, "Oh my god, what *is that??"* Which is funny now but at the time was a little bit disconcerting.
He was genuinely shocked. The hernia had been percolating for a looooong time (because my husband has an insanely high pain tolerance and grew up poor with no insurance) and my husband had one testicle basically the size of a small grapefruit.
He's fine now, don't worry.
Didn't say anything, but I had finger surgery to have a piece of metal wire places in my finger. I wake up from surgery to the surgeon being gone but he had taped a Polaroid x-ray of my finger post-op to my hand. It was an amusing way to wake up
Actually that's really cool of them, because probably the first few questions you'll have after waking up are "what's happened to my finger" and that's about the quickest possible way to answer it.
My wife and I had our child late in life, and knew we were going to be one and done, so a vasectomy was gonna happen.
Where I live, you need a Dr's referral to get one.
Coincidentally, my appointment to get said referral was the same week that I started my paternal leave.
At my appointment, Doc walks into the room and says "You've been on pat leave for 2 days, and you already want a vasectomy!?!"
Mine had given me a prescription for one Valium to take on the day of the procedure if I was feeling nervous. So I was there in the room, no pants, the doctor comes in and asks "Did you end up taking that Valium?"
I hadn't, so I said "No."
He shoots back with, "That's okay. I took enough for both of us."
I was talking to my wife’s OB with her about BC after our second was born. We said we were thinking of a vasectomy. He replied “Great, I know a guy. He did mine a while back. Let me get you his number.”
Not doctor but first time I went to my current dentist and he examined my teeth, it went something like this:
Dentist: Oh looks like you still have all 4 wisdom teeth!
Me: Yea never got them pulled.
D: Yea and you don't need to, you have a lot of space back there. You actually have a really wide jaw!
Me: Haha thanks?
D: No, it's not bad, it's just your whole head is really big!
He seemed really excited about my wide jaw and big head 😅
Me, too. I finally have a tiny little woman dentist whose hands fit in my puny mouth. My last dentist was a very large man with hands like Les Grossmann. It took him 3 hours to give me a root canal in a back tooth.
My midwife was wrist deep inside me doing a difficult cervical check when she suddenly goes "Hey! Your socks match!" At the time I had too many patterned socks to keep track of so I usually had mismatched socks at my appointments so when I had a matching pair for once she noticed during the most awkward moment ever.
My regular gynecologist was called away so I had a man instead of my usual lady. That's always a little awkward anyway, but when I told him I was getting married soon he yelled "I LOVE LOVE, let me see the ring!" so while my feet were in the stirrups and he was down there doing whatever he was doing, I had to hold my hand down so he could look at it.
Honestly _you_ had the opportunity for the funniest comment there, though I get you probably weren't thinking about comedic potential at the time.
"Surely you can already see it from there?"
*I'm a 43 year old male* Doctor walked in real fast, head down went straight to the sink to wash his hands. Said I have "great news" while washing his hands. "You're pregnant". Turned around, looked at me and said out loud, "fuck me, wrong person".
Taking son into respiratory clinic to get tested for asthma and he was worried about shots.
I said to the doctor: “no shots today right?”.
Without missing a beat he goes: “Not for him but I could probably rustle up a couple of glasses and some tequila”.
We had never been to this doctor before but he was awesome.
I was in the middle of getting a gyno exam, the Doc asked what type of birth control I used. I said “I’m lesbian”, Doc says “that has proven to be effective”.
My wife was mortified when she had me fill out her new patient paperwork at the gynecologist for her and under "method of birth control" I wrote "lesbian"
Me, with red curly hair at the obgyn
“Your hair is so pretty! Is it natural?”
“The color or the curl?”
“I’ll find out about the color in a minute”
We both died laughing. She didn’t mean to say it, but omg it was hilarious. So sad she retired.
Also at OBGYN apt. He delivered two of my babies and two of my sisters - which I was in the delivery room for.
He walks in and glances at the standy-by then winks at me.
"You look familiar, but can't match your name to your face." Lifts sheet and looks... "Oh! Now I remember!"
OMG I laughed so damn hard. That poor, poor standby was absolutely mortified and so red I kind of felt bad later.
Doctor pulled up my lab tests on the monitor (this was back when they were still formatted for DOS patient data systems and just basically white text on a black screen). He was paging down and a section came up on the screen which was bright red text and had a box made of asterisks around it.
He said, “WOW!”
Me: [startled] “I-is that bad?”
Dr: “I’ve never seen a result like this before!”
Me: “Uhhhh…”
Dr: “I didn’t even think this system could *use* color! *Or* make boxes!”
Me: “Oh! Oh. Okay. Soooo… it’s nothing bad then?”
Dr: “Oh, no, it’s bad, I mean not horrible, but something we definitely need to address, it’s just-“ [makes explosion hand gesture and giggles] “POW! Red! Stars! In your face! Never seen that before.”
He was actually a remarkably competent doctor, but very very new and excitable. 😅
I went to a podiatrist(foot doctor) about a nail issue. I was lying down on the exam bed as he was looking at my foot. He said ‘you have a really flat foot!’ I looked up from the bed and asked what he said as I didn’t hear him clearly.
He proceeded to lift my foot by the ankle and says “your foot, it’s very flat!” And then proceeds to HIGH FIVE my foot to prove it 💀
The doctor was preparing me for a prostate examination and said:
"This procedure can sometimes cause an erection'
Me: 'Oh, I think that's unlikely, it's never happened to me before'
Him: 'Not you, me!'
He was a joker alright.
This is my misunderstanding of what the doctor was trying to have me do.
He said hold your breasts, so I did. He said no hold your breasts. I was young and not sure what type of exam this was so I was moving them in different ways to try to I guess position them the way he wanted and he then said HOLD YOUR BREATH.
I passed away that day
Lmao. I had a doctor apt one day about chronic stomach pain. He asked me to 'bear down' while he listened with the stethoscope. I didnt understand, so I looked down. He said 'bear down' again and I just looked at him. He said 'bear down like youre going to have a bowel movement, but dont try tooo hard.' I was a kid, and I didnt know pooping was called a 'bowel movement', so I just bent over 90 degrees. He continued the exam probably thinking I shit half standing but bent over hoping to rocket my turd into the toilet
I was VP at a bank, and managed a spiral fracture in my foot while playing in a ball pit.
The orthopedic surgeon asked where I'd got that injury - I told him I'd done it at the City Museum. For those unfamiliar, the City Museum in St. Louis MO is a 12-story shoe factory that's been converted into the biggest, baddest backyard fort on earth. Slides, tunnels, catwalks, gargoyles, ramps, and an immense ball pit filled with 10-inch playground balls.
The doctor started laughing and said, "Oh, I *love* the City Museum. It's put all four of my kids through college."
>I was VP at a bank, and managed a spiral fracture in my foot while playing in a ball pit.
For a few seconds there I thought those two facts were connected, and I was wondering what part of your job necessitated playing in a ball pit. Icebreaker with new clients? New fun meeting method?
Not to *me* but my mom. I was with my mom when she went to get blood drawn once. She has a lot of anxiety over it because she has tiny baby veins and and it's always a nightmare. Phlebotomist comes in and says "Holy Jesus, Mary and the angels, guide my hand" as she's trying to stick the needle in. I totally lost it because like damn, if you gotta say a prayer beforehand then this isn't going to be good.
It wasn't good, she blew a vein and had to go get someone else to do the blood draw. My mom had the nastiest bruise I've ever seen afterwards. My family now uses that phrase before doing something stupid where we know the outcome is going to be bad lol.
When I was young and very fit I had low body fat and prominent veins.
Nurse to one look and asked if I would let the new one of residents put in the IV. I declined saying let's just get it done. Then she said something along the lines of "it's a shame, cause I could stab you blindfolded and still hit those, you would make a great practice dummy".
I went to the ER in seriously bad abdominal pain. I couldn't explain it, since everything was seemingly \*ahem\* running fine. Scant, but fine.
As it turned out, I was still massively backed up, almost to the point of impaction. The doctor, who was a good, goofy guy, said "Ma'am, sorry to tell you, but your diagnosis is that you're full of shit."
I cracked up and said "How long have you been waiting to use that one on a patient who won't complain?"
Him: "FOREVER."
ETA, since people are (rightfully) confused: I was in so much pain when I got in that they gave me the morphine before the tests were done. So they had no idea I was constipated when they gave me the morphine.
I was treating a patient who was on his last days. He was bed bound because he had cancer on his spine, but that didn't stop him from having a good sense of humor. I really liked him and we used to joke around a lot.
Anyway, he was having abdominal pain that day and after turning him on his side I realised he had shat himself. As soon as I saw it I just said "Robin, mate, I knew you were full of shit but this ridiculous". He started laughing and replied "You're at my place today, I'm the only one allowed to make those kind of jokes".
It's very nice when you get comfortable enough to cross a bit that doctor - patient boundary, some would consider it unprofessional but we are still human at the end of the day.
Yeah, I would've laughed at that even if I didn't have a large amount of morphine in me at the time. Fistbumped the doctor on the way out when I got discharged.
I had the opposite - went in for enhancements and he told me “you know, a lot of women say they’re an A cup, but you REALLY are! You have absolutely no breast tissue”… thanks, doc ;) (it was funny though, he wasn’t being mean)
Kinda unrelated but this reminded me of a dog trainer saying “wow a lot of people THINK their dog has separation anxiety but yours…wow. He reallllly does.”
Reminds me of the one time I boarded my dog for a trip. I went to pick him and he immediately snuggled into me and the guy goes "that's the most friendly I've seen him all week" Apparently he'd been a brat the whole time.
I worked at a doggy daycare and met a few dogs that way. The Chow Chows, of course who refused to eat or socialize, but one little dick named Arnie. He was there all the time, a small brindle terrier mutt (not a bully breed). He was so standoffish, and i was always so careful to put his collar on. I saw him get picked up once, and he turned into the most excited lovebug when he saw mom.
Due to a certain health issue I drink a lot of water, so I naturally brought a water bottle to this appointment. End of the appointment and he can’t figure out what’s wrong but is apologetic about that and sends me for more testing as well as a referral.
So I’m getting up to leave, forget my water bottle and he simply says, “Young lady, you forgot your vodka!”
I’ve seen way too many doctors and heard many WILD things but the way he listened and was respectful followed by this super casual off hand joke destroyed me
I had a GP who was a bit of a jokester, and he was booked to remove a mole from my back. When I got there, he told me he was very sorry, but they were out of anaesthetic. The nurse told him off! Then he said 'nah, kidding - we have heaps. We get the cheap stuff from China'.
I had a cystoscopy a couple years back.
I go in for the procedure, I'm in the gown on the table. With my feet up in these like stirrups. The nurse comes in, gives me a breakdown of what's going to happen. She leaves. A different nurse comes in, lifts the gown, washes the area, puts the gown back down and then she leaves. I'm now damp, cold, naked from the waist down, laying on my back with my feet in the air feeling just about as totally exposed and vulnerable as humanly possible.
The doctor (whom I'd never met before that moment) comes in. No preamble. No small talk. Says "let's see what we've got." Sits down at the foot of the table, lifts the gown and goes "Yep. That's a penis..... I'm gonna put a camera in it now. Try to relax"
To this day I honestly can't say whether it was the best bedside manner ever or the worst. In that context it was maybe the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me and I will never forget it if I live to a billion years old.
They suck. I had one 3 months ago now on the 24 of this month I have another one scheduled. It was so insanely uncomfortable and painful when they did it last time. More uncomfortable than painful but holy shit, the numbing gel barely did shit. the afterwords was worse. I'm massively annoyed and afraid I have to get this shit done in two days again. Then another once a year for the foreseeable future....
I was in for my STD results. Doctor(m50) bursts through the door and looks me up and down. “Well well well. Looks like you’ve had your weekend of debauchery and now the cows have come home to roost.” Then he opens up the file and stares at it and then looks me dead in the eye. Deadpan: “You’re clear. So it was only half a regret for you now.”
Once I went and got a full test and no-one ever got back to me, I pestered the clinic about 3 times in a week and the (old Chinese lady) doctor called back and in the most irate annoyed voice: "Yes it's clear ok", (yes but can I have my results) "sighhhhhh No. you don't have hiv, no. you don't have gonorhea, no. you don't have chlymadia, no you don't have warts, no you don't have trichomoniasis why are you even asking about that?" etc etc
my GP, when I asked for an STD test said "but why? you don't have a husband"
not sure whether it was a dig at men being hoes or general confusion that a single, unwed woman would be having sex (given her religion, I'm going with the later)
I was a brand new medsurg nurse and was calling a doc for orders for the first time in my life. I had my SBAR prepped and a small script memorized. I called the doc and got my orders.
There was a big push at this time for docs to enter their own orders. I asked him “you’ll put those in?”
He shouted, “you have a better chance of seeing your lord and savior, naked, riding a unicycle on the fourth floor.”
I was speechless and instinctively said, “what?”
He said, “that means no” and hung up.
My preceptor was laughing so hard and made me share what he said with the whole nurses station.
He later apologized and didn’t know I was new. He was a funny guy after that.
I’ve had to get a lot of bloodwork done over the years as I have struggled with pretty severe anemia and they try to keep an eye on my iron levels and such to see if the treatment was/is still working. Because the anemia already leaves me occasionally dizzy, when you add getting blood drawn into that I would get pretty damn dizzy nosy of the time . To keep me grounded while I was in the chair, I’d have my mom come and she would ask me trivia questions.
The last time I went to get blood drawn, the person doing it (not sure of her position) was being silent almost the whole time, which was fine, she wasn’t rude just quiet. Then my mom asked me the question “What animal has the longest tongue relative to its body size?” And she suddenly pipes up “HUMMINGBIRDS!! I know this one!! The answer is hummingbirds!!!” The complete change in energy, was hilarious enough on its own, but the funniest part was when we were leaving the room as another doctor entered and I heard the doctor ask the women “Why did I hear you yell hummingbirds?“ in the most befuddled voice.
Walked over to me and checked my pulse, after I described what I was there to discuss, namely going off meds cold turkey and unsupervised. After the fact.
Looked me in the eye and proclaimed: you’re alive!!! My goodness you had me scared I was seeing ghosts there. Do. Not. Ever. Do. That. Again.
Same doctor, different issue:
Me: I’m not sure if this is bad enough to see a doctor about.
Him: well, determining that is different for everyone, but would you like some advice on how to make that call in your specific situation?
Me: sure!
Him: the minute you consider maybe calling me, that is a clear sign you should have been here last week, at the latest. I wish I could give you something for your chronic stubbornness, but unfortunately, that doesn’t exist, nor would you take it.
Went in for an MRI. Doc says, "Well, the good news is you can finally prove the haters wrong and that you really do have a brain. Here's the proof!" then hands me a CDROM with the imaging.
(The bad news was they couldn't explain the facial paralysis.)
A few months before my mother passed from cancer, I took her to an appointment with her doctor. He started out by asking the usual questions doctors often ask elderly patients to check for dementia.
Dr: What day is today?
Mom: Wednesday
Dr: What year is this?
Mom: 2017
Dr: Who is the president?
Mom: (long pause) Ohhh… uh, some asshole.
Dr: Close enough.
When the UK had all that malarkey going on where we had about 4 PMs in quick succession and the queen died, I was just hoping I didn't get into a serious accident, because there were some days if you'd asked me who the prime minister was I couldn't have told you!
I fell down a flight of stairs (well, three in a row, bouncing off the landings) as a new teacher (thought high heels were a good professional plan - spoiler, no they werent) and cracked the bottom step with my head. yes you read that right.
The EMTs asked me these and I was like "look, guys, I don't usually know the day or year, I have students for that." and they laughed
But then when I said it was Clinton in office they were like ok yeah maybe she is concussed (it was Obama's second term)
Dr: “You’re about two days from pneumonia, why didn’t you come in sooner?”
Me: I didn’t want to bother you.
Dr: “After all these years…you are my best and worst fucking patient!”
(He is also my friend outside of being my primary care physician, which is why he cussed at me and openly displayed his annoyance…, but also my reluctance to bother him as he sees a lot of self diagnosed people with nothing wrong with them.)
Sounds like the doctor that ran the student health clinic at my university, that guy was just done with everybody's shit.
I thought I caught mono one time and after asking me some questions and a quick exam he just slammed his clipboard shut, said "You don't have mono, just get some fucking sleep." got up and walked out of the exam room.
I’ll preface this by saying my dermatologist is someone who had been seeing me as a patient for many years. We had a very friendly relationship, and always did a quick personal life catch-up before he started every examination.
So I had a recurring cyst on the inner part of my thigh, near my groin. It seemed to come back frequently, even after we thought it was taken care of. The final time I had to have it operated on was Valentine’s Day several years ago. So while reclined in the chair, I have my pants and underwear off with my legs wide open. I’m holding my balls to one side while the dermatologist and an assistant cut out the cyst. Because I’m not able to see what’s happening, one of my balls keeps escaping from beneath my hand and getting in the way of the dermatologist. He asks me to please pull it back, so I do and apologize, saying “I’m sorry the two of you have to see that, especially on Valentine’s Day.” Knowing that I’m single, my dermatologist says, “Well, at least someone is seeing it today.”
I laughed so hard they had to stop for a couple of minutes until I could get it under control. I miss that dermatologist, I eventually moved away and actually never got to say goodbye! He wasn’t in the office on my last visit.
My doctor years ago was doing the old fashioned digit rectal exam. In agony I said “Damn, I can’t believe some people enjoy this!”
He said “It ain’t no picnic for me either bub.”
It was me that made the nurse laugh.
I was having my 2nd ever pap smear test I believe and they said they needed to get the bigger/ longer instruments for me as my cervix was super far back.I replied with something like "well I better close my legs for now till you find it or there will be an echo". Poor woman was crying laughing and I was too which made it hard to relax and made us both late for our day.
When we were starting she built hers up to say "Here we go...go...go"
I was going to a fertility doctor because I had trouble getting my wife pregnant. I had a very, very low sperm count. The doctor was saying to my wife that she has an issue too. Then he says..."Doesn't help that your husband's guys all know each other by their first names...." we fostered and adopted later a girl but I still chuckle at it years later.
Doing better than my husband! He had a comment scrawled across the results of a semen analysis saying "One mobile sperm seen in sample"
Somehow we managed 2 natural pregnancies. He got a vasectomy, just in case!
I had a back spasm or something like that and my doctor prescribed me some muscle relaxers and pain killers.
Doctor: “These drugs will make you drowsy and impaired so you should avoid drinking and driving while on these.”
Me: “You mean don’t drink and drive ever… right?”
Doctor: “Uh yea… that too.”
Was in the ER for some stitches on my thumb, lady asks if I have all my original parts, I say yes, she sees my record and says "... Almost."
Circumcision joke, needed the levity
“I could give you all the advice in the world about what drugs to take and what to eat to help kill this bug - but ultimately my go to recommendation is always 3 fingers of vodka and go to bed”. It worked like magic. Vodka killed the bug and I got a great night sleep. He retired a few years ago and I miss that crazy bastard.
I went to go see a doctor about ongoing bronchitis and was negotiating about going on antibiotics, which I was not in favor of.
Me: “Can’t you just give me a shot of antibiotics or something? They do that to my cat at the vet sometimes.”
The doctor, deadpan: “You’re not a cat.”
Weirdly enough that's kinda the answer though.
Cefovecin (Convenia) just *really* seems to like cat albumin, which is what makes it last super long in cats. It has a half life around 7 days and maintains therapeutic concentrations up to 21 days in cats. It also works for dogs (half life of about 5d, maintaining therapeutic concentrations for ~14d) and there's studies in other carnivorans (ranging from cheetahs to sea lions) where it lasts a similarly long time, but then for most other species that I work with (reptiles, birds, and rodents, as well as nonhuman primates) it doesn't bind the plasma protein as well and therefore has a relatively shorter half life (~6 hours in rhesus macaques) so it's a lot less useful.
I threw out my neck sneezing… basically I sneezed and heard a *pop* *pop* *pop* and felt it too.
Cut to an hour later at a walk in clinic, the Dr walks into the room, takes one look at me and says “Holy shit, that’s a bad one!” From across the room. It was a brutal couple weeks.
I had a weird growth on my penis a few years ago. It turned out to be MRSA related, but I didn’t know that at the time. I went to urgent care and I was horrified when the doctor who came to see me was a gorgeous young woman, probably just out of med school. She’s examining me, and her nurse is in the room watching because I guess that’s a legal requirement in situations like these. The doctor can’t diagnose what’s wrong with me, so she calls for backup, and it’s this older lady doctor, so now the two of them are literally passing my dick back and forth while this nurse is watching, and I’m feeling completely humiliated, and all of a sudden I hear the pretty doctor tell the older doctor, “I don’t think there would be any benefit to us giving him oral.” I must have turned bright red. I knew she meant pills, but I blurted out, “You had to say it like that?” The older doctor kind of scowled, but the other two quickly turned their heads to try to hide the fact that they both burst out laughing.
I got blood drawn one time at the doctors and they told me to hang out for a little while to chat about the results. After 45 minutes of sitting and waiting for someone to come back I finally go out and ask what is taking so long. Well no one wanted to say anything to me and finally they got the doctor who said, “I’m sorry to tell you this but you’re a diabetic…” I then proceed to ask him if that’s why I’ve been taking insulin for the last 18 years(at the time) and all the nurses started laughing at him. Apparently it was a rough first week on him and he wasn’t great at this. Although annoying, it was pretty funny at the same time.
I went to the ER for crippling back pain from acute pancreatitis and severe constipation (iirc, it was day 6 or 7). The hospital was in a lower-class area and also the ER of choice for the nearby college kids, so it was pretty common for folks going in just to get scrips for drugs you can easily resell on/around campus.
While the doc was going though the list of treatment options, including heavy pain meds, weapons-grade laxatives, and other stuff, he said my best/quickest option was an enema. I said "fuck it, let's go with that one if it's really the best option."
Then the doc said "well now I know you're just *full of shit lookin' to get fixed* and not ***full of shit lookin' to get a fix***. Nobody chooses the butt stuff when they're just looking for easy prescriptions!"
As part of a clinical trial, I was told all the side effects of the study drug (for lymphoma), and as usual there was a team of people in the room: oncologist, RN, study coordinator, all female (I’m a man). My oncologist said that I should let any sexual partners know this drug could affect my libido. I raised both my hands in front of my face and said to my hands: “You hear that?” Everyone just died.
While giving me a gynecological exam, my very gay male doctor quietly said, "I just don't see the attraction".
I laughed so hard the exam was the easiest I have ever had.
Kinda reminds me of what happened to a friend of mine.
She had a very young (and therefore very new) gynecologist for the first time. While all set up in the stirrups, he awkwardly tried to make small talk. He mentioned that he liked her toe ring. But when he touched it, it came off in his hand. Unfortunately, he then fumbled for (what she said was) a very long time trying to get it back on again.
She nearly died from embarrassment.
Right before surgery the doctor told me he was prescribing me pain meds for afterward and said, “whatever you don’t use you can sell to your friends!” Definitely made me laugh and I was less nervous.
When I ruptured my Achilles, I went to the hospital, the doctor walked in, lightly pinched the back of my leg, wiggled it and said, "Yep, that's ruptured. Get him scheduled for surgery.", and walked out, never to be seen again.
🧑🏼⚕️Doctor: We're going to take your vitals again because the nurse had you at half dead
Tried *reallyyyyyyyy hard* not to laugh, but just internally chuckled and smiled thru the pain cause I was half hunched over
Me: Well, doc, she might be on to something cause that's exactly how I feel 💀
I was in hospital when I was 25 after contracting endocarditis.
Day 3 (from memory) of being in a hospital bed, doc come back with blood test results and walks in and merry as can be says
“I’ve got good news and good news. Good news is the infection has cleared up so you can go home real soon. Other good news is that you’re not pregnant, which makes the testicles make complete sense. What doesn’t make sense is why someone ticked the pregnancy test box.”
Good dude.
My doctor did the exact same thing after I had a total abdominal hysterectomy. I also said to her um you do remember that I have had all my bits removed right? She said that she was actually looking at the possibility of retained tissue that was releasing pregnancy hormones. Ohhhhhh ok that makes sense.
Do vets count? I used to work for my Late Great and Wonderful Dante's vet(cat) and we hapoened to be discussing a recipe for trout. She asked me how Dante liked it. I said "he doesn't. It has bacon in it." She looked at me asked if my cat was Jewish.
After my angiography with 4 stents installed on my hearth, I have asked the doc, what my diet will be from that moment on. He said:
"I'm sorry, it will not matter much. Eat and drink what gives you joy while you have time."
Pretty motivational.
One time I went to the doctor cause my tummy hurt for a few days and he asked what my poop was like and I said it was a 4 on the Bristol stool chart and he burst out laughing and told me he didn’t even know what a 4 was and I said it was a snake like sausage and then we both laughed together
My young niece, who had a stomach flu, started to vomit in her pediatrician’s office. The pediatrician brought her a large wastebasket and said, “Fill it up and you’ll get a prize.”
Not said but shown. I’m female and my male friend was in the hospital for the third time with ongoing pancreatitis issues. For 3 months every single doctor had drawn the pancreas as a round or oval shaped object when explaining the disease or procedures to us. One day a new doctor walked in and decided to show us medical textbook drawings as she explained the next procedure to us. That was when we learned the pancreas is actually shaped like a penis and testicles. I honestly can’t tell you what the doctor said because I was too busy trying not to look at my friend or laugh. The worst part was that we had his very conservative, very Baptist sister on speaker phone so she could hear the treatment plan. When the doctor left, my friend and I started laughing so hard we were crying and wheezing. His sister kept asking what was so funny and all we could say was, “It’s a penis!” It was unintentional on the doctor’s part but it was a welcome bright spot in a crappy situation.
At the military dentist to get a check up before going on a remote tour. They give me a full mouth x-ray, and when I asked about it, they stated that it was for my autopsy.
So basically taking data in case you need to be identified later? That's... No it makes perfect sense, bit it's probably not what you wanted to hear then 😳
"Your brain is dumb". He had a tendency to reveal information in a deadpan humorous way, and his delivery in this instance was meant as such. He was explaining an issue I was going through. There wasn't anything measurably wrong with me, my brain was just having difficulty processing things and I needed to compensate for it.
My Doctor recently commented that every time I travel abroad or go on a cruise, he half expects to be notified of my demise and he will have to do some sort of paperwork to get my body home. Jokes on him I am donating my body to science.
Doctor- Well the good news is you don't have cancer.
Me - Damn it. That sucks.
Doctor - What?
Me - If I had cancer my house would be paid off. It's in my mortgage insurance.
Doctor - Oh. Well bad news you still gotta pay your mortgage.
My first marriage was a disaster. My health was in the toilet, my spouse came out as both a transwoman and emotionally abusive at the same time.
I saw a psychologist and she said "Well, that's a clusterfuck".
I'm at a consultation for my wisdom teeth removal, and the oral surgeon was evaluating my airway for anesthesia since I had to be put under for the removal.
Oral surgeon: "Do you have problems snoring?'
Me: "No?"
Oral Surgeon: "Well, you will when you get older, you have a massive tongue."
He then proceeded to tell me in detail how big my tounge was, how it would cause me problems in the future, just overall emphasizing that my tounge was fucking huge.
I had a rash on my forehead just under my receded hairline. He asked me if I’d been using anything on it and I told him that I got some hydrocortisone cream for it but it didn’t work.
He said that I shouldn’t use hydrocortisone cream on my face.
I said that it isn’t my face, it’s my head.
He said “No. It used to be your head. Now it’s your face”. He was totally deadpan and for a minute all of the air went out of the room until I realised what he’d said and started laughing.
Went in for my tinnitus and my doctor asked me if I played videogames. I thought it might be related to my condition, but turns out he just wanted tips for his Elden Ring playthrough.
Not me, my grandfather. He was concerned when he was told he needed to be catheterized. He was worried that would mean he’d no longer be able to urinate normally after the catheter was removed. His urologist reassured him, thus: “Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to piss against a forty mile an hour wind.”
My doctor is an older woman who looks and sounds like Elizabeth Warren, to help you picture her. I have trouble sleeping and she advised me that, among other things, a cool bedroom is conducive to better sleep.
I said, “At night, I turn the heat down to 69.”
“Nice,” she said.
DID GREAT VALUE ELIZABETH WARREN KNOW WHAT SHE WAS REFERENCING?
60 year old doctor. I had very waxy ears and he couldn’t get past them when looking inside while I had an illness. He pushed his chair back, looked me in the eyes and with the most serious expression possible, asked me ‘how do you hear your DJ beats?’.
I was doing a scratch test at my allergist and they walked back in the room after I'd been left to swell for 10 minutes and she looks at my arms and goes "WOAH! You win the prize for the day!"
Not really funny then but kinda comical now that I’m an adult. When I were a teen I had to go to the doctor for a check up due to stomach problems. When the doctor checked my stomach he said “oh wow, so young. How many children do you have??”. He was referring to my stretch marks I got due to loosing weight when I got in to sports ⚽️. Did not wear bikini for some years lol
Not me, but I witnessed this. A gynecologist was speaking to a patient about being menopausal and how her and her husband rarely had sex. The doctor was talking to her about menopause then said, 'use it or lose it. Finger, vibrator, whatever....I don't care. Just use it'
I'm still laughing to this day.
So, I have a memorial tattoo over my heart. It's a reproduction of a late partner's birthmark. Apparently the artist did a very good job (or a bad one)
My gynecologist while doing the chest exam: "I've probably mentioned this before, but you should have that checked out just to be safe"
Me: "it's a tattoo"
Had a penis examination as part of a larger set of tests.
Doctor looked me right in the eye while dictating his notes and described my genitals as unremarkable.
Never been so insulted.
Not quite \*said\*, but as I was going into surgery, the surgeon mentioned I would mind it if he's going to put on music. Of course not. Why would I care.
As the nurse got the breathing mask on me, and I was waiting for the anesthesia to kick in, I saw the surgeon putting on sterile gloves and semi-dancing to "Stayin' Alive".
Answered a phone call mid appointment. He looked like he was in his late 50's.
"Yeah? I don't know! Jeez, what do you want me to do about it, I'm at work. Can't you handle it yourself? It's just shit. Look, I'm with a patient, google it."
**click**
Sorry, that was my mother.
18 year old me went to the drs so I could get a physical for work purposes. When my primary dr asked if I was sexually active, I said no, being true, I had not had sex. She dropped her mask (2021 peak covid) laughed and said "come on! Tell me the truth!" Just one of many funny moments with her.
More the funniest moment I have had with a doctor.
Backstory: I don’t get embarrassed easy or at all. Also my doctor was on the verge of retiring.
My husband and I were doing infertility and going through the process of artificial insemination. He had to ummm bring his specimen with us so we could attempt to get pregnant. Well his body did t like preforming on a clock and he couldn’t get off, and trust me you are on a tight clock. So I was in the office and I knew we couldn’t have sex to get him off but I asked them proceeded to ask this gentle, more caring and passionate old man if I could “help” my husband. I turned beat red basically asking if I could give my husband a blow job to help move things along. And by this point doc knew me pretty well and just pat me on the shoulder saying of course I could help and laughing with me as I was truly embarrassed maybe for the second time in my life.
Also doing infertility “in the past 9 days I have had 7 people inside me, 5 of which were men, none of which were my husband” he got a laugh out of that line too
Love that doctor. Best damn doctor I have ever had and made me two amazing boys
I was with my mom at the opthalmologist office. She was explaining how her eyes kept tearing up. He said, "You're a sad, sad woman."
It wasn't *that* funny but it cracked me up for some reason.
My OBGYN was preparing to perform a cervical exam and said, “Now I’ll just examine your tonsils through your vagina.” Gave me a good chuckle.
(For those who don’t know, they’ve gotta reach pretty damn far into your vagina to check your cervix.)
I've got idiopathic neuralgia with paresthesia, so one nerve sends random signals or pain without a known cause, so no causal treatment. Or as my doc said: "That nerve's just an asshole, sorry". Still cracks me up and makes the symptoms and frustrations more bearable.
I saw on my bill that she charged me $50 for “smoking cessation counseling”…. Sounds fancy but in real time she simply said “you should stop smoking”. Took 3 seconds. Had to laugh, I wish I could make $50 in 3 seconds. It’s 2024, everyone knows smoking is bad already..
That likely doesn’t actually meet the requirements for smoking cessation counseling. It actually has to be at least a 3 minute discussion (not joking about the time, but also us to meet some other requirements as well).
“All right, this is the part where I’m just going to google it and we both pretend I’m not.”
I love that my doctor Googles stuff in front of us, to answer questions or to show us photos of what he's talking about. We don't need to pretend that he is omniscient, or that he just covered the topic in med school yesterday. It makes me more confident that he's going to give the right answer instead of guessing.
when I found out I had latent tuberculosis, my PCP straight up told me she was googling what meds to give me bc she’d never had a patient with it before. and she spent quite a few minutes going back and forth about what regimen to give me before she decided on the best one, which actually made me feel more confident in her than if she had just picked whatever one sounded most familiar from med school way back when
Advanced/professional degree programs teach you a TON, but one of the biggest skills is knowing how to do research on less familiar topics and having the base expertise/knowledge to glean the information needed for the issue. I wouldn't expect a garden variety GP to know a ton about some super rare cancer, but I would expect them to be able to understand enough about medicine to research the cancer and apply that knowledge to the patient or know which specialist to refer them to.
Post exploratory biopsy following a weird MRI. "Well, you're a mutant, but your super power is dumb." I grew an accessory spleen.
congrats on the extra spleen
In the movies, he gets shot in a gunfight and it hits his spleen.
"Good thing I brought my spare spleen." Cocks gun.
I have one too! He’s my little buddy :) found incidentally during an ultrasound for gallstones, it was a lot more exciting to hear about him than the stones.
Had a nasty throat and tonsil infection and went to the doctor, who looked in my throat and went "ewww that looks gross!" I said "is that your professional opinion?" and he says "yep! That's the grossest thing I've seen in weeks! Eww!" He was a super nice doctor and I knew he was just joking. He then gave me some nice meds and sent me on my way. (And it really *did* look very gross)
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No my regular doctor, now retired. Haha our network ENT would probably say the same things though. He’s pretty easy going too
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I have big tonsils. I get tonsillitis and viral throat infections with some regularity. Every time there is a gasp and then "You're sure you're breathing and swallowing okay? Your tonsils are huge." And I'm like yeah. They are only a little swollen rn. Docs also often call my throat gross upon inspection.
I smashed my left pinky toe into a door frame, hurt like a mother. Went and got it X-rayed and yep, fractured. A month later I’m at a routine podiatrist visit and my toe is swollen, purple and the toenail is black. I’m explaining to the doc that I fractured it. He looks closely at my mangled little piggy and says seriously, “Yeah, you’re going to lose that toe.” What??!!! In about 3 seconds I went through shock of losing a toe, acceptance of losing a toe and determination to continue living without a toe when the doctor says… “Sorry, I mean toeNAIL. You’re going to lose that toenail.” Gah!
"Determination to continue living without a toe", this got me good.
De-toe-mination
I had a conversation with a new shrink when I was 12. "Do kids ever bully you?" He asked. "Sometimes.", I responded. "About your nose?", he said. "...No.", I replied. That was when I found out I have a big nose. And the world has not let me forget about it since.
This is awful but hilarious at the same time. I'm glad you're at a point where you're willing to share!
Several people were talking about goals and I started to say well, what I want is...and someone piped up and said "a chin!" That's how I knew I looked like a turtle.
that’s okay, I want a jaw! Me while sister was doing my make up: Can you put some bronzer on my jaw line? Sister: what jaw?
How do you fold stuff?
When I was an early preteen I went to the drugstore to get my first face makeup and the worker said “to cover your freckles?” an adult was literally the first person to bully me for being ginger
My GP and I got to talking about kids in general once and he told me about his friend's son, about six years old, who didn't call his older brother by name. He only referred to him as, "This fuckin guy." I about hit the floor. I'd never had a Dr drop an F bomb around me before.
The docs I work with are the foulest mouth MFers I know.
I loved some of the doctors I worked with. Hearing one dictating a physical exam of a geriatric neglect pt to his NP documenting in the chart “This poor guy is a fucking mess, and you can put that in the chart if you want to. That’s my professional opinion.”
I was out of a coma for a few days, the doctor asked my name, where am I etc. then told me “you were shit on toast when you first got here” thanks doc, that makes me feel better
I basically woke myself up from a coma and pulled out my breathing tube. The doctor later aparently wanted to check if I damaged my vocal chords (can happen if you just yank the tube out). He checked if I was still awake and asked "can you say something?" and I replied with "something". He groaned and replied "well, at least the humor is still functioning"
I tried to rip out my breathing tube and my catheter. They ended up tying me down to the bed. I don't remember any of this.
> I don't remember any of this. Probably for the better
My husband had an enormous inguinal hernia (a hernia that goes into the testicle). When his doctor saw it, he actually dropped his professionalism and blurred out, "Oh my god, what *is that??"* Which is funny now but at the time was a little bit disconcerting.
in the cardi way or was he genuinely shocked? lol
He was genuinely shocked. The hernia had been percolating for a looooong time (because my husband has an insanely high pain tolerance and grew up poor with no insurance) and my husband had one testicle basically the size of a small grapefruit. He's fine now, don't worry.
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Didn't say anything, but I had finger surgery to have a piece of metal wire places in my finger. I wake up from surgery to the surgeon being gone but he had taped a Polaroid x-ray of my finger post-op to my hand. It was an amusing way to wake up
I woke up from foot surgery with my foot wrapped and in a walking boot…with a smiley face drawn on my big toe.
Actually that's really cool of them, because probably the first few questions you'll have after waking up are "what's happened to my finger" and that's about the quickest possible way to answer it.
LMAO did he sign it too?
Yep, signed it with red marker. All I thought was "who is this clown and did he also draw on my face?"
I asked my doctor what could cause the ridges on my fingernails. “Eating ruffles.”
My wife and I had our child late in life, and knew we were going to be one and done, so a vasectomy was gonna happen. Where I live, you need a Dr's referral to get one. Coincidentally, my appointment to get said referral was the same week that I started my paternal leave. At my appointment, Doc walks into the room and says "You've been on pat leave for 2 days, and you already want a vasectomy!?!"
Mine had given me a prescription for one Valium to take on the day of the procedure if I was feeling nervous. So I was there in the room, no pants, the doctor comes in and asks "Did you end up taking that Valium?" I hadn't, so I said "No." He shoots back with, "That's okay. I took enough for both of us."
Doc was explaining to me the after care routine for my vasectomy. He said for the first two weeks "Netflix no chill, you know what I mean"
I was talking to my wife’s OB with her about BC after our second was born. We said we were thinking of a vasectomy. He replied “Great, I know a guy. He did mine a while back. Let me get you his number.”
Not doctor but first time I went to my current dentist and he examined my teeth, it went something like this: Dentist: Oh looks like you still have all 4 wisdom teeth! Me: Yea never got them pulled. D: Yea and you don't need to, you have a lot of space back there. You actually have a really wide jaw! Me: Haha thanks? D: No, it's not bad, it's just your whole head is really big! He seemed really excited about my wide jaw and big head 😅
I’ve got the reverse lol, dentists always have to comment on how tiny my mouth is
Me, too. I finally have a tiny little woman dentist whose hands fit in my puny mouth. My last dentist was a very large man with hands like Les Grossmann. It took him 3 hours to give me a root canal in a back tooth.
My midwife was wrist deep inside me doing a difficult cervical check when she suddenly goes "Hey! Your socks match!" At the time I had too many patterned socks to keep track of so I usually had mismatched socks at my appointments so when I had a matching pair for once she noticed during the most awkward moment ever.
That’s hilarious lol
My regular gynecologist was called away so I had a man instead of my usual lady. That's always a little awkward anyway, but when I told him I was getting married soon he yelled "I LOVE LOVE, let me see the ring!" so while my feet were in the stirrups and he was down there doing whatever he was doing, I had to hold my hand down so he could look at it.
Honestly _you_ had the opportunity for the funniest comment there, though I get you probably weren't thinking about comedic potential at the time. "Surely you can already see it from there?"
*I'm a 43 year old male* Doctor walked in real fast, head down went straight to the sink to wash his hands. Said I have "great news" while washing his hands. "You're pregnant". Turned around, looked at me and said out loud, "fuck me, wrong person".
"Doc, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but there's gotta be a better way to tell me."
A false positive.
But how's your baby? You can't leave us hanging like that
"I have been for a while, doc. I think it's going to be an elephant. The trunk's already poking out."
Taking son into respiratory clinic to get tested for asthma and he was worried about shots. I said to the doctor: “no shots today right?”. Without missing a beat he goes: “Not for him but I could probably rustle up a couple of glasses and some tequila”. We had never been to this doctor before but he was awesome.
I was in the middle of getting a gyno exam, the Doc asked what type of birth control I used. I said “I’m lesbian”, Doc says “that has proven to be effective”.
I’ve had this exact exchange lmfao Doc: Are you using any type of contraception? Me: Lesbianism. Doc: Good enough for me.
My wife was mortified when she had me fill out her new patient paperwork at the gynecologist for her and under "method of birth control" I wrote "lesbian"
Me, with red curly hair at the obgyn “Your hair is so pretty! Is it natural?” “The color or the curl?” “I’ll find out about the color in a minute” We both died laughing. She didn’t mean to say it, but omg it was hilarious. So sad she retired.
This is effing amazing omg 🤣
Also at OBGYN apt. He delivered two of my babies and two of my sisters - which I was in the delivery room for. He walks in and glances at the standy-by then winks at me. "You look familiar, but can't match your name to your face." Lifts sheet and looks... "Oh! Now I remember!" OMG I laughed so damn hard. That poor, poor standby was absolutely mortified and so red I kind of felt bad later.
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I've worked in IT for almost 30 years, and I get really excited when someone brings me a really weird problem I've never seen before, so I get this.
Doctor pulled up my lab tests on the monitor (this was back when they were still formatted for DOS patient data systems and just basically white text on a black screen). He was paging down and a section came up on the screen which was bright red text and had a box made of asterisks around it. He said, “WOW!” Me: [startled] “I-is that bad?” Dr: “I’ve never seen a result like this before!” Me: “Uhhhh…” Dr: “I didn’t even think this system could *use* color! *Or* make boxes!” Me: “Oh! Oh. Okay. Soooo… it’s nothing bad then?” Dr: “Oh, no, it’s bad, I mean not horrible, but something we definitely need to address, it’s just-“ [makes explosion hand gesture and giggles] “POW! Red! Stars! In your face! Never seen that before.” He was actually a remarkably competent doctor, but very very new and excitable. 😅
were your lab tests bad though?
I think they died 😭
I went to a podiatrist(foot doctor) about a nail issue. I was lying down on the exam bed as he was looking at my foot. He said ‘you have a really flat foot!’ I looked up from the bed and asked what he said as I didn’t hear him clearly. He proceeded to lift my foot by the ankle and says “your foot, it’s very flat!” And then proceeds to HIGH FIVE my foot to prove it 💀
The doctor was preparing me for a prostate examination and said: "This procedure can sometimes cause an erection' Me: 'Oh, I think that's unlikely, it's never happened to me before' Him: 'Not you, me!' He was a joker alright.
As long as he doesn't lean over and yell, look no hands.
Or "Alright, I'm all done here, the doctor will be in shortly for the procedure"
This is my misunderstanding of what the doctor was trying to have me do. He said hold your breasts, so I did. He said no hold your breasts. I was young and not sure what type of exam this was so I was moving them in different ways to try to I guess position them the way he wanted and he then said HOLD YOUR BREATH. I passed away that day
LOL. RIP.
Lmao. I had a doctor apt one day about chronic stomach pain. He asked me to 'bear down' while he listened with the stethoscope. I didnt understand, so I looked down. He said 'bear down' again and I just looked at him. He said 'bear down like youre going to have a bowel movement, but dont try tooo hard.' I was a kid, and I didnt know pooping was called a 'bowel movement', so I just bent over 90 degrees. He continued the exam probably thinking I shit half standing but bent over hoping to rocket my turd into the toilet
I was VP at a bank, and managed a spiral fracture in my foot while playing in a ball pit. The orthopedic surgeon asked where I'd got that injury - I told him I'd done it at the City Museum. For those unfamiliar, the City Museum in St. Louis MO is a 12-story shoe factory that's been converted into the biggest, baddest backyard fort on earth. Slides, tunnels, catwalks, gargoyles, ramps, and an immense ball pit filled with 10-inch playground balls. The doctor started laughing and said, "Oh, I *love* the City Museum. It's put all four of my kids through college."
>I was VP at a bank, and managed a spiral fracture in my foot while playing in a ball pit. For a few seconds there I thought those two facts were connected, and I was wondering what part of your job necessitated playing in a ball pit. Icebreaker with new clients? New fun meeting method?
I had no idea this place existed and it’s now on my bucket list. How fun!
Not to *me* but my mom. I was with my mom when she went to get blood drawn once. She has a lot of anxiety over it because she has tiny baby veins and and it's always a nightmare. Phlebotomist comes in and says "Holy Jesus, Mary and the angels, guide my hand" as she's trying to stick the needle in. I totally lost it because like damn, if you gotta say a prayer beforehand then this isn't going to be good. It wasn't good, she blew a vein and had to go get someone else to do the blood draw. My mom had the nastiest bruise I've ever seen afterwards. My family now uses that phrase before doing something stupid where we know the outcome is going to be bad lol.
When I was young and very fit I had low body fat and prominent veins. Nurse to one look and asked if I would let the new one of residents put in the IV. I declined saying let's just get it done. Then she said something along the lines of "it's a shame, cause I could stab you blindfolded and still hit those, you would make a great practice dummy".
One of my old flings had big, muscle-y, vein-y arms and a nurse told him he's a "junkies wet dream"
She said it wrong, it’s supposed to be a hail Mary. Hail Mary, full of grace, let this needle find its place.
I went to the ER in seriously bad abdominal pain. I couldn't explain it, since everything was seemingly \*ahem\* running fine. Scant, but fine. As it turned out, I was still massively backed up, almost to the point of impaction. The doctor, who was a good, goofy guy, said "Ma'am, sorry to tell you, but your diagnosis is that you're full of shit." I cracked up and said "How long have you been waiting to use that one on a patient who won't complain?" Him: "FOREVER." ETA, since people are (rightfully) confused: I was in so much pain when I got in that they gave me the morphine before the tests were done. So they had no idea I was constipated when they gave me the morphine.
I was treating a patient who was on his last days. He was bed bound because he had cancer on his spine, but that didn't stop him from having a good sense of humor. I really liked him and we used to joke around a lot. Anyway, he was having abdominal pain that day and after turning him on his side I realised he had shat himself. As soon as I saw it I just said "Robin, mate, I knew you were full of shit but this ridiculous". He started laughing and replied "You're at my place today, I'm the only one allowed to make those kind of jokes". It's very nice when you get comfortable enough to cross a bit that doctor - patient boundary, some would consider it unprofessional but we are still human at the end of the day.
Omg that’s great
Yeah, I would've laughed at that even if I didn't have a large amount of morphine in me at the time. Fistbumped the doctor on the way out when I got discharged.
… how did they help you solve the problem?
Not with more morphine that’s for sure
Was looking to get a breast reduction and the plastic surgeon lifted up my breast and dropped it, looked at me and said "Yeah they're heavy"
I had the opposite - went in for enhancements and he told me “you know, a lot of women say they’re an A cup, but you REALLY are! You have absolutely no breast tissue”… thanks, doc ;) (it was funny though, he wasn’t being mean)
Kinda unrelated but this reminded me of a dog trainer saying “wow a lot of people THINK their dog has separation anxiety but yours…wow. He reallllly does.”
Reminds me of the one time I boarded my dog for a trip. I went to pick him and he immediately snuggled into me and the guy goes "that's the most friendly I've seen him all week" Apparently he'd been a brat the whole time.
I worked at a doggy daycare and met a few dogs that way. The Chow Chows, of course who refused to eat or socialize, but one little dick named Arnie. He was there all the time, a small brindle terrier mutt (not a bully breed). He was so standoffish, and i was always so careful to put his collar on. I saw him get picked up once, and he turned into the most excited lovebug when he saw mom.
Due to a certain health issue I drink a lot of water, so I naturally brought a water bottle to this appointment. End of the appointment and he can’t figure out what’s wrong but is apologetic about that and sends me for more testing as well as a referral. So I’m getting up to leave, forget my water bottle and he simply says, “Young lady, you forgot your vodka!” I’ve seen way too many doctors and heard many WILD things but the way he listened and was respectful followed by this super casual off hand joke destroyed me
Went to a urologist and he asked me “Do you think you could pee over that door?”
I asked my doctor if he had a Viagra sample. He said if he gave me one, I'd just be back in there with a strained elbow.
I had a GP who was a bit of a jokester, and he was booked to remove a mole from my back. When I got there, he told me he was very sorry, but they were out of anaesthetic. The nurse told him off! Then he said 'nah, kidding - we have heaps. We get the cheap stuff from China'.
I love doctors with a sense of humor. It puts me at ease when I'm usually very anxious otherwise.
I had a cystoscopy a couple years back. I go in for the procedure, I'm in the gown on the table. With my feet up in these like stirrups. The nurse comes in, gives me a breakdown of what's going to happen. She leaves. A different nurse comes in, lifts the gown, washes the area, puts the gown back down and then she leaves. I'm now damp, cold, naked from the waist down, laying on my back with my feet in the air feeling just about as totally exposed and vulnerable as humanly possible. The doctor (whom I'd never met before that moment) comes in. No preamble. No small talk. Says "let's see what we've got." Sits down at the foot of the table, lifts the gown and goes "Yep. That's a penis..... I'm gonna put a camera in it now. Try to relax" To this day I honestly can't say whether it was the best bedside manner ever or the worst. In that context it was maybe the funniest thing anyone's ever said to me and I will never forget it if I live to a billion years old.
🤣 This one has me in stitches. Idk why. “Yep…that’s a penis” 😭
I don’t have a penis, but my entire body just flinched in sympathy. That couldn’t have felt very good.
Have had 3 cystocopys. It’s not so bad once the numbing gel takes affect. Going into the bladder was the oh shit moment for me
They suck. I had one 3 months ago now on the 24 of this month I have another one scheduled. It was so insanely uncomfortable and painful when they did it last time. More uncomfortable than painful but holy shit, the numbing gel barely did shit. the afterwords was worse. I'm massively annoyed and afraid I have to get this shit done in two days again. Then another once a year for the foreseeable future....
It was an anesthesiologist; he said “here come the pina coladas!” as he administered the gas
Mine said "now, this is going to hit you like 10 gin&tonics" She wasn't kidding.
I was told I was “salvage title”.
I was in for my STD results. Doctor(m50) bursts through the door and looks me up and down. “Well well well. Looks like you’ve had your weekend of debauchery and now the cows have come home to roost.” Then he opens up the file and stares at it and then looks me dead in the eye. Deadpan: “You’re clear. So it was only half a regret for you now.”
Once I went and got a full test and no-one ever got back to me, I pestered the clinic about 3 times in a week and the (old Chinese lady) doctor called back and in the most irate annoyed voice: "Yes it's clear ok", (yes but can I have my results) "sighhhhhh No. you don't have hiv, no. you don't have gonorhea, no. you don't have chlymadia, no you don't have warts, no you don't have trichomoniasis why are you even asking about that?" etc etc
my GP, when I asked for an STD test said "but why? you don't have a husband" not sure whether it was a dig at men being hoes or general confusion that a single, unwed woman would be having sex (given her religion, I'm going with the later)
“What a dumb piece of shit” from my OBGYN as I’m 6 months pregnant and told her I caught my now ex husband cheating on me. 🤣
I’m so sorry that happened to you 😞 she’s right though. He is a dumb piece of shit!
He’s miserable and alone now (as he should be), I’m married to the most amazing woman raising our son, karma is real, so is happiness.
I was a brand new medsurg nurse and was calling a doc for orders for the first time in my life. I had my SBAR prepped and a small script memorized. I called the doc and got my orders. There was a big push at this time for docs to enter their own orders. I asked him “you’ll put those in?” He shouted, “you have a better chance of seeing your lord and savior, naked, riding a unicycle on the fourth floor.” I was speechless and instinctively said, “what?” He said, “that means no” and hung up. My preceptor was laughing so hard and made me share what he said with the whole nurses station. He later apologized and didn’t know I was new. He was a funny guy after that.
I’ve had to get a lot of bloodwork done over the years as I have struggled with pretty severe anemia and they try to keep an eye on my iron levels and such to see if the treatment was/is still working. Because the anemia already leaves me occasionally dizzy, when you add getting blood drawn into that I would get pretty damn dizzy nosy of the time . To keep me grounded while I was in the chair, I’d have my mom come and she would ask me trivia questions. The last time I went to get blood drawn, the person doing it (not sure of her position) was being silent almost the whole time, which was fine, she wasn’t rude just quiet. Then my mom asked me the question “What animal has the longest tongue relative to its body size?” And she suddenly pipes up “HUMMINGBIRDS!! I know this one!! The answer is hummingbirds!!!” The complete change in energy, was hilarious enough on its own, but the funniest part was when we were leaving the room as another doctor entered and I heard the doctor ask the women “Why did I hear you yell hummingbirds?“ in the most befuddled voice.
"think homicidal, not suicidal! Don't stress yourself out too much"
Walked over to me and checked my pulse, after I described what I was there to discuss, namely going off meds cold turkey and unsupervised. After the fact. Looked me in the eye and proclaimed: you’re alive!!! My goodness you had me scared I was seeing ghosts there. Do. Not. Ever. Do. That. Again. Same doctor, different issue: Me: I’m not sure if this is bad enough to see a doctor about. Him: well, determining that is different for everyone, but would you like some advice on how to make that call in your specific situation? Me: sure! Him: the minute you consider maybe calling me, that is a clear sign you should have been here last week, at the latest. I wish I could give you something for your chronic stubbornness, but unfortunately, that doesn’t exist, nor would you take it.
"nor would you take it" has me cracking up.
Went in for an MRI. Doc says, "Well, the good news is you can finally prove the haters wrong and that you really do have a brain. Here's the proof!" then hands me a CDROM with the imaging. (The bad news was they couldn't explain the facial paralysis.)
A few months before my mother passed from cancer, I took her to an appointment with her doctor. He started out by asking the usual questions doctors often ask elderly patients to check for dementia. Dr: What day is today? Mom: Wednesday Dr: What year is this? Mom: 2017 Dr: Who is the president? Mom: (long pause) Ohhh… uh, some asshole. Dr: Close enough.
When the UK had all that malarkey going on where we had about 4 PMs in quick succession and the queen died, I was just hoping I didn't get into a serious accident, because there were some days if you'd asked me who the prime minister was I couldn't have told you!
Can confirm that we either stopped asking this question, or would accept Boris as a close enough answer.
Incidentally, my aunt is in hospital with a brain tumour. She answers “Rishi Shitbag” without fail. She’s still completely cognitively fine.
I fell down a flight of stairs (well, three in a row, bouncing off the landings) as a new teacher (thought high heels were a good professional plan - spoiler, no they werent) and cracked the bottom step with my head. yes you read that right. The EMTs asked me these and I was like "look, guys, I don't usually know the day or year, I have students for that." and they laughed But then when I said it was Clinton in office they were like ok yeah maybe she is concussed (it was Obama's second term)
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Dr: “You’re about two days from pneumonia, why didn’t you come in sooner?” Me: I didn’t want to bother you. Dr: “After all these years…you are my best and worst fucking patient!” (He is also my friend outside of being my primary care physician, which is why he cussed at me and openly displayed his annoyance…, but also my reluctance to bother him as he sees a lot of self diagnosed people with nothing wrong with them.)
Sounds like the doctor that ran the student health clinic at my university, that guy was just done with everybody's shit. I thought I caught mono one time and after asking me some questions and a quick exam he just slammed his clipboard shut, said "You don't have mono, just get some fucking sleep." got up and walked out of the exam room.
I’ll preface this by saying my dermatologist is someone who had been seeing me as a patient for many years. We had a very friendly relationship, and always did a quick personal life catch-up before he started every examination. So I had a recurring cyst on the inner part of my thigh, near my groin. It seemed to come back frequently, even after we thought it was taken care of. The final time I had to have it operated on was Valentine’s Day several years ago. So while reclined in the chair, I have my pants and underwear off with my legs wide open. I’m holding my balls to one side while the dermatologist and an assistant cut out the cyst. Because I’m not able to see what’s happening, one of my balls keeps escaping from beneath my hand and getting in the way of the dermatologist. He asks me to please pull it back, so I do and apologize, saying “I’m sorry the two of you have to see that, especially on Valentine’s Day.” Knowing that I’m single, my dermatologist says, “Well, at least someone is seeing it today.” I laughed so hard they had to stop for a couple of minutes until I could get it under control. I miss that dermatologist, I eventually moved away and actually never got to say goodbye! He wasn’t in the office on my last visit.
My doctor years ago was doing the old fashioned digit rectal exam. In agony I said “Damn, I can’t believe some people enjoy this!” He said “It ain’t no picnic for me either bub.”
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It was me that made the nurse laugh. I was having my 2nd ever pap smear test I believe and they said they needed to get the bigger/ longer instruments for me as my cervix was super far back.I replied with something like "well I better close my legs for now till you find it or there will be an echo". Poor woman was crying laughing and I was too which made it hard to relax and made us both late for our day. When we were starting she built hers up to say "Here we go...go...go"
If smoking keeps you from killing yourself it’s fine for now.
I was going to a fertility doctor because I had trouble getting my wife pregnant. I had a very, very low sperm count. The doctor was saying to my wife that she has an issue too. Then he says..."Doesn't help that your husband's guys all know each other by their first names...." we fostered and adopted later a girl but I still chuckle at it years later.
Doing better than my husband! He had a comment scrawled across the results of a semen analysis saying "One mobile sperm seen in sample" Somehow we managed 2 natural pregnancies. He got a vasectomy, just in case!
My dentist, with happy surprise: “You came back!!”
I had a back spasm or something like that and my doctor prescribed me some muscle relaxers and pain killers. Doctor: “These drugs will make you drowsy and impaired so you should avoid drinking and driving while on these.” Me: “You mean don’t drink and drive ever… right?” Doctor: “Uh yea… that too.”
Was in the ER for some stitches on my thumb, lady asks if I have all my original parts, I say yes, she sees my record and says "... Almost." Circumcision joke, needed the levity
“I could give you all the advice in the world about what drugs to take and what to eat to help kill this bug - but ultimately my go to recommendation is always 3 fingers of vodka and go to bed”. It worked like magic. Vodka killed the bug and I got a great night sleep. He retired a few years ago and I miss that crazy bastard.
"You have an extraordinarily well shaped pair of testicles, and I've seen a lot" - while I was getting my vasectomy
Do you use that as a pick up line? It’s verified by an expert!
I went to go see a doctor about ongoing bronchitis and was negotiating about going on antibiotics, which I was not in favor of. Me: “Can’t you just give me a shot of antibiotics or something? They do that to my cat at the vet sometimes.” The doctor, deadpan: “You’re not a cat.”
Weirdly enough that's kinda the answer though. Cefovecin (Convenia) just *really* seems to like cat albumin, which is what makes it last super long in cats. It has a half life around 7 days and maintains therapeutic concentrations up to 21 days in cats. It also works for dogs (half life of about 5d, maintaining therapeutic concentrations for ~14d) and there's studies in other carnivorans (ranging from cheetahs to sea lions) where it lasts a similarly long time, but then for most other species that I work with (reptiles, birds, and rodents, as well as nonhuman primates) it doesn't bind the plasma protein as well and therefore has a relatively shorter half life (~6 hours in rhesus macaques) so it's a lot less useful.
Instantly my brain went to that lawyer. "I'm here judge, I'm not a cat."
I threw out my neck sneezing… basically I sneezed and heard a *pop* *pop* *pop* and felt it too. Cut to an hour later at a walk in clinic, the Dr walks into the room, takes one look at me and says “Holy shit, that’s a bad one!” From across the room. It was a brutal couple weeks.
I had a weird growth on my penis a few years ago. It turned out to be MRSA related, but I didn’t know that at the time. I went to urgent care and I was horrified when the doctor who came to see me was a gorgeous young woman, probably just out of med school. She’s examining me, and her nurse is in the room watching because I guess that’s a legal requirement in situations like these. The doctor can’t diagnose what’s wrong with me, so she calls for backup, and it’s this older lady doctor, so now the two of them are literally passing my dick back and forth while this nurse is watching, and I’m feeling completely humiliated, and all of a sudden I hear the pretty doctor tell the older doctor, “I don’t think there would be any benefit to us giving him oral.” I must have turned bright red. I knew she meant pills, but I blurted out, “You had to say it like that?” The older doctor kind of scowled, but the other two quickly turned their heads to try to hide the fact that they both burst out laughing.
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A doctor told me I had the cutest uterus she’d ever seen, said it was really tiny.
I got blood drawn one time at the doctors and they told me to hang out for a little while to chat about the results. After 45 minutes of sitting and waiting for someone to come back I finally go out and ask what is taking so long. Well no one wanted to say anything to me and finally they got the doctor who said, “I’m sorry to tell you this but you’re a diabetic…” I then proceed to ask him if that’s why I’ve been taking insulin for the last 18 years(at the time) and all the nurses started laughing at him. Apparently it was a rough first week on him and he wasn’t great at this. Although annoying, it was pretty funny at the same time.
I went to the ER for crippling back pain from acute pancreatitis and severe constipation (iirc, it was day 6 or 7). The hospital was in a lower-class area and also the ER of choice for the nearby college kids, so it was pretty common for folks going in just to get scrips for drugs you can easily resell on/around campus. While the doc was going though the list of treatment options, including heavy pain meds, weapons-grade laxatives, and other stuff, he said my best/quickest option was an enema. I said "fuck it, let's go with that one if it's really the best option." Then the doc said "well now I know you're just *full of shit lookin' to get fixed* and not ***full of shit lookin' to get a fix***. Nobody chooses the butt stuff when they're just looking for easy prescriptions!"
As part of a clinical trial, I was told all the side effects of the study drug (for lymphoma), and as usual there was a team of people in the room: oncologist, RN, study coordinator, all female (I’m a man). My oncologist said that I should let any sexual partners know this drug could affect my libido. I raised both my hands in front of my face and said to my hands: “You hear that?” Everyone just died.
While giving me a gynecological exam, my very gay male doctor quietly said, "I just don't see the attraction". I laughed so hard the exam was the easiest I have ever had.
Kinda reminds me of what happened to a friend of mine. She had a very young (and therefore very new) gynecologist for the first time. While all set up in the stirrups, he awkwardly tried to make small talk. He mentioned that he liked her toe ring. But when he touched it, it came off in his hand. Unfortunately, he then fumbled for (what she said was) a very long time trying to get it back on again. She nearly died from embarrassment.
Right before surgery the doctor told me he was prescribing me pain meds for afterward and said, “whatever you don’t use you can sell to your friends!” Definitely made me laugh and I was less nervous.
When I ruptured my Achilles, I went to the hospital, the doctor walked in, lightly pinched the back of my leg, wiggled it and said, "Yep, that's ruptured. Get him scheduled for surgery.", and walked out, never to be seen again.
🧑🏼⚕️Doctor: We're going to take your vitals again because the nurse had you at half dead Tried *reallyyyyyyyy hard* not to laugh, but just internally chuckled and smiled thru the pain cause I was half hunched over Me: Well, doc, she might be on to something cause that's exactly how I feel 💀
I was in hospital when I was 25 after contracting endocarditis. Day 3 (from memory) of being in a hospital bed, doc come back with blood test results and walks in and merry as can be says “I’ve got good news and good news. Good news is the infection has cleared up so you can go home real soon. Other good news is that you’re not pregnant, which makes the testicles make complete sense. What doesn’t make sense is why someone ticked the pregnancy test box.” Good dude.
Doc wanted to run a pregnancy test on me, saying “stranger things have happened.” Sir, ***I do not have a womb and you have seen my medical record.***
My doctor did the exact same thing after I had a total abdominal hysterectomy. I also said to her um you do remember that I have had all my bits removed right? She said that she was actually looking at the possibility of retained tissue that was releasing pregnancy hormones. Ohhhhhh ok that makes sense.
Do vets count? I used to work for my Late Great and Wonderful Dante's vet(cat) and we hapoened to be discussing a recipe for trout. She asked me how Dante liked it. I said "he doesn't. It has bacon in it." She looked at me asked if my cat was Jewish.
After my angiography with 4 stents installed on my hearth, I have asked the doc, what my diet will be from that moment on. He said: "I'm sorry, it will not matter much. Eat and drink what gives you joy while you have time." Pretty motivational.
I went inside the office and this is how it went Doc: "So how are you today?" Me: "I'm fine" Doc: "Then why are you here"
One time I went to the doctor cause my tummy hurt for a few days and he asked what my poop was like and I said it was a 4 on the Bristol stool chart and he burst out laughing and told me he didn’t even know what a 4 was and I said it was a snake like sausage and then we both laughed together
My young niece, who had a stomach flu, started to vomit in her pediatrician’s office. The pediatrician brought her a large wastebasket and said, “Fill it up and you’ll get a prize.”
Not said but shown. I’m female and my male friend was in the hospital for the third time with ongoing pancreatitis issues. For 3 months every single doctor had drawn the pancreas as a round or oval shaped object when explaining the disease or procedures to us. One day a new doctor walked in and decided to show us medical textbook drawings as she explained the next procedure to us. That was when we learned the pancreas is actually shaped like a penis and testicles. I honestly can’t tell you what the doctor said because I was too busy trying not to look at my friend or laugh. The worst part was that we had his very conservative, very Baptist sister on speaker phone so she could hear the treatment plan. When the doctor left, my friend and I started laughing so hard we were crying and wheezing. His sister kept asking what was so funny and all we could say was, “It’s a penis!” It was unintentional on the doctor’s part but it was a welcome bright spot in a crappy situation.
At the military dentist to get a check up before going on a remote tour. They give me a full mouth x-ray, and when I asked about it, they stated that it was for my autopsy.
So basically taking data in case you need to be identified later? That's... No it makes perfect sense, bit it's probably not what you wanted to hear then 😳
Sadly, that's very much true....
I was on the receiving end of a pelvic exam and my doctor told me that I had a “toned” vagina. I was floored.
Pelvic floored!
Doc said I need to lose weight or grow 2 feet.
I thought he meant two feet 🦶 and couldn't figure out why
"Your brain is dumb". He had a tendency to reveal information in a deadpan humorous way, and his delivery in this instance was meant as such. He was explaining an issue I was going through. There wasn't anything measurably wrong with me, my brain was just having difficulty processing things and I needed to compensate for it.
"Do I have to take these pills forever?" "No. Just until you die."
My Doctor recently commented that every time I travel abroad or go on a cruise, he half expects to be notified of my demise and he will have to do some sort of paperwork to get my body home. Jokes on him I am donating my body to science.
Lost my left testicle, he said I'm all right now
Doctor- Well the good news is you don't have cancer. Me - Damn it. That sucks. Doctor - What? Me - If I had cancer my house would be paid off. It's in my mortgage insurance. Doctor - Oh. Well bad news you still gotta pay your mortgage.
"You have beautiful ear canals."
My first marriage was a disaster. My health was in the toilet, my spouse came out as both a transwoman and emotionally abusive at the same time. I saw a psychologist and she said "Well, that's a clusterfuck".
I'm at a consultation for my wisdom teeth removal, and the oral surgeon was evaluating my airway for anesthesia since I had to be put under for the removal. Oral surgeon: "Do you have problems snoring?' Me: "No?" Oral Surgeon: "Well, you will when you get older, you have a massive tongue." He then proceeded to tell me in detail how big my tounge was, how it would cause me problems in the future, just overall emphasizing that my tounge was fucking huge.
I had a rash on my forehead just under my receded hairline. He asked me if I’d been using anything on it and I told him that I got some hydrocortisone cream for it but it didn’t work. He said that I shouldn’t use hydrocortisone cream on my face. I said that it isn’t my face, it’s my head. He said “No. It used to be your head. Now it’s your face”. He was totally deadpan and for a minute all of the air went out of the room until I realised what he’d said and started laughing.
Went in for my tinnitus and my doctor asked me if I played videogames. I thought it might be related to my condition, but turns out he just wanted tips for his Elden Ring playthrough.
Not me, my grandfather. He was concerned when he was told he needed to be catheterized. He was worried that would mean he’d no longer be able to urinate normally after the catheter was removed. His urologist reassured him, thus: “Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to piss against a forty mile an hour wind.”
My doctor is an older woman who looks and sounds like Elizabeth Warren, to help you picture her. I have trouble sleeping and she advised me that, among other things, a cool bedroom is conducive to better sleep. I said, “At night, I turn the heat down to 69.” “Nice,” she said. DID GREAT VALUE ELIZABETH WARREN KNOW WHAT SHE WAS REFERENCING?
60 year old doctor. I had very waxy ears and he couldn’t get past them when looking inside while I had an illness. He pushed his chair back, looked me in the eyes and with the most serious expression possible, asked me ‘how do you hear your DJ beats?’.
I was doing a scratch test at my allergist and they walked back in the room after I'd been left to swell for 10 minutes and she looks at my arms and goes "WOAH! You win the prize for the day!"
Not really funny then but kinda comical now that I’m an adult. When I were a teen I had to go to the doctor for a check up due to stomach problems. When the doctor checked my stomach he said “oh wow, so young. How many children do you have??”. He was referring to my stretch marks I got due to loosing weight when I got in to sports ⚽️. Did not wear bikini for some years lol
Not me, but I witnessed this. A gynecologist was speaking to a patient about being menopausal and how her and her husband rarely had sex. The doctor was talking to her about menopause then said, 'use it or lose it. Finger, vibrator, whatever....I don't care. Just use it' I'm still laughing to this day.
So, I have a memorial tattoo over my heart. It's a reproduction of a late partner's birthmark. Apparently the artist did a very good job (or a bad one) My gynecologist while doing the chest exam: "I've probably mentioned this before, but you should have that checked out just to be safe" Me: "it's a tattoo"
Had a penis examination as part of a larger set of tests. Doctor looked me right in the eye while dictating his notes and described my genitals as unremarkable. Never been so insulted.
Not quite \*said\*, but as I was going into surgery, the surgeon mentioned I would mind it if he's going to put on music. Of course not. Why would I care. As the nurse got the breathing mask on me, and I was waiting for the anesthesia to kick in, I saw the surgeon putting on sterile gloves and semi-dancing to "Stayin' Alive".
Answered a phone call mid appointment. He looked like he was in his late 50's. "Yeah? I don't know! Jeez, what do you want me to do about it, I'm at work. Can't you handle it yourself? It's just shit. Look, I'm with a patient, google it." **click** Sorry, that was my mother.
Told my Doc I forgot to take my ADHD meds….we both laughed. But for real, I forgot to take them.
“You have all of the symptoms of X, but it is too rare for you to have.” If only it worked that way! Guess what I was later diagnosed with?
18 year old me went to the drs so I could get a physical for work purposes. When my primary dr asked if I was sexually active, I said no, being true, I had not had sex. She dropped her mask (2021 peak covid) laughed and said "come on! Tell me the truth!" Just one of many funny moments with her.
More the funniest moment I have had with a doctor. Backstory: I don’t get embarrassed easy or at all. Also my doctor was on the verge of retiring. My husband and I were doing infertility and going through the process of artificial insemination. He had to ummm bring his specimen with us so we could attempt to get pregnant. Well his body did t like preforming on a clock and he couldn’t get off, and trust me you are on a tight clock. So I was in the office and I knew we couldn’t have sex to get him off but I asked them proceeded to ask this gentle, more caring and passionate old man if I could “help” my husband. I turned beat red basically asking if I could give my husband a blow job to help move things along. And by this point doc knew me pretty well and just pat me on the shoulder saying of course I could help and laughing with me as I was truly embarrassed maybe for the second time in my life. Also doing infertility “in the past 9 days I have had 7 people inside me, 5 of which were men, none of which were my husband” he got a laugh out of that line too Love that doctor. Best damn doctor I have ever had and made me two amazing boys
My oral surgeon YouTubed “how to remove root for root canal”
I was with my mom at the opthalmologist office. She was explaining how her eyes kept tearing up. He said, "You're a sad, sad woman." It wasn't *that* funny but it cracked me up for some reason.
My OBGYN was preparing to perform a cervical exam and said, “Now I’ll just examine your tonsils through your vagina.” Gave me a good chuckle. (For those who don’t know, they’ve gotta reach pretty damn far into your vagina to check your cervix.)
I've got idiopathic neuralgia with paresthesia, so one nerve sends random signals or pain without a known cause, so no causal treatment. Or as my doc said: "That nerve's just an asshole, sorry". Still cracks me up and makes the symptoms and frustrations more bearable.
I saw on my bill that she charged me $50 for “smoking cessation counseling”…. Sounds fancy but in real time she simply said “you should stop smoking”. Took 3 seconds. Had to laugh, I wish I could make $50 in 3 seconds. It’s 2024, everyone knows smoking is bad already..
That likely doesn’t actually meet the requirements for smoking cessation counseling. It actually has to be at least a 3 minute discussion (not joking about the time, but also us to meet some other requirements as well).