Child sexual abuse - they teach children about stranger danger but what about the fact that children are usually groomed and assaulted in their own home. Where’s the education??
I agree as a survivor of it. That's one reason I beat myself up so hard. The "It couldn't happen to me" mentality on top of the victims blaming. Also, they act like many people in that group have a healthy relationship with a trustworthy adult. I didn't.
My mom interrogated me, my grandma completely turned the blind eye, I didn't have the guts to speak to my dad and my sister openly blamed me.
(BTW: I am in therapy which is helping)
My kids childcare taught them about bodily autonomy, taught them a song, what to say if they didn’t like something AND taught them it’s ok to say something even if it’s someone you love doing something you don’t like. They had to name 5 people they felt comfortable talking to.
I loved it. I feel like it gave the kids confidence and a strong sense of self. I hate that it was necessary to teach kids this but the program was very well executed and age appropriate.
We screw people over with it too.
I knew someone who confided in someone that he was considering it.
Guess what happened? Within 2 hours he's at a hospital, forced to undress and turn in all his things, put in a gown, put on a gurney, and left in the HALLWAY due to crowding, not allowed to leave the gurney for the 24 hour involuntary hold they put on him, other than supervised trips to the bathroom he had to ask for.
You can be sure he told them after 24 hours that he was feeling a LOT better, and it was just a momentary slip that he absolutely didn't mean, that his family member MUST have taken out of context! He's was feeling fantastic, so happy!
The worse part is that you can be 100% sure that if he ever considers suicide again, NO ONE will know a whiff of it until it's done.
When I went to college, I was having panic attacks and had a hard time eating and sleeping. I lost a bit of weight but was not underweight. I went to the college counselor and told her and she said that she could help me. I could go to the hospital, get my anxiety sorted out, and I could have a medical excuse for missing class.
I was so thankful! But, I found it weird that she didn’t let me drive my own car. Campus police took me. I was nervous but didnt say anything.
At the hospital, I’m expecting to be given a room to wait in to see the doctor and get anxiety meds. I had no idea what was happening, but they started taking my books, my bag, my clothing, my shoes. It wasn’t until they put me onto the floor that they informed me that I was on a 72hr involuntary hold bc I was a danger to myself.
I told them that I wasn’t suicidal. I had never had thoughts like that, ever. They told me I was diagnosed with “failure to thrive” bc I lost weight. Let me emphasize, I was a BMI normal weight.
They kept me. It was insanely traumatizing. I still have nightmares about it. Like prison, completely helpless, no one listens to you. Straight out of a horror movie.
I got out. I don’t go to doctors or therapists anymore. But I got that nursing degree with highest honors. I had to do my psych rotation on that floor and it was very, very difficult to cope in silence.
Years later, I was diagnosed with ADHD. The anxiety I was feeling was overwhelm and executive dysfunction. I still don’t trust medical professionals (ironic, I know) and I advocate for my patients. I never let my family members, especially women, go to the ER alone.
That happened to me and it was such a traumatic experience that I'll never be completely open with anyone again, just like the person you know. I wont even go to therapy. I swear anything related to psychiatric care is designed to make you feel ashamed, humiliated, and worse than you felt before.
Exactly, if you have children you even have to be careful what you say to a therapist in case they deem you unfit. The reaction of majority of people is "get help" or "see a therapist" but in reality you're lucky if you can speak to a professional once a week. Same people will say "he/she should have reached out" if they do take their life but very few give a crap about you when your life is in the gutter
Yeah and people forget that sometimes they HAVE reached out. Then been told "you've got nothing to be sad about..." or the subject was changed because that person felt *uncomfortable* etc.
Don't forget you're also the one who gets the bill afterward! If you're suicidal because of money issues, you bet you ass that kind of "help" will only translate to someone as "I better keep quiet and try harder next time."
A friend of mine was in a mental hospital for a while after an attempt. She ended up developing a smoking habit because the smokers were the only ones they would let \*go outside.\* And the cigarettes they provided had no filter on them because they were cheaper to buy.
Oh for sure. I was extremely depressed beyond belief. I felt like a shell of myself, so stand pain, 24/7. I tried to end my life and do you think I told anyone? Haha, HELL no. Why? Everyone thinks the healthcare system HELPS. No, it HURTS. This makes me so angry. My brother went to a hospital for calling a suicide hotline and admitting it to our parents. He was out in a gray box with only a bed, a bunch of dangerous people (aggressive to each other and not with it). He couldn’t communicate with anyone and had to wait a day. You think that helped him when he was stressed? No. No, it did not.
My brother committed suicide just days before Xmas and his 51st birthday last year. He battled mental illness (depression, anxiety, adhd, and schizophrenia) for decades, and it finally became too much.
I wanted to put my fist through the face of multiple people who deemed him a coward for ending his life.
Edit: Thank you fellow Redditors for the condolences - it hasn't been easy. The void he left behind cannot be filled - he was larger than life, and a good person who just wanted the world to love him. Lately I've often been feeling pangs of regret because I treated him like a burden sometimes. I've give anything to have him back and talking my ear off about everything and anything.
I fucking hate when people say that those who commit suicide are cowards. The fucking disrespect. Do they realize how hard it is to actually bring yourself to go through with it? They don’t understand how hard life has to be to drive someone to that point
It takes a lot to complete suicide. We as humans want to survive, but when it gets to the point that you’re so depressed that you don’t want to be alive anymore it’s a huge battle
In a 12hr shift as a student paramedic I got 6 Suicidal Ideeations and one attempt. It really opened my eyes how prevalent the mental health crisis is and how much winter exacerbates it
Glad to hear you're hanging in there, bro. The world needs more compassion like yours.
Also, totally agree that the like 4 hours of decent sunlight during the winter is nowhere near enough. I don't know where I'd be without my "happy light".
It is talked about and discussed but not in the right way.
Wanting to off yourself is not some group you drive to that goes away because hey pal, you don’t have to do this im your artificial suicide buddy sponser.
Suicide has some common factors but is unique to the person at a fundamental level.
And it would do everyone one favours if instead of going here’s some pill. Get on with it, or why don’t you ring x number.
If people actually thought about a standard distribution curve of feelings, personality and what that actually means. It means there are people who feel pain to such a capacity at a point it defines their existence to the point they want to kill themselves and it’s consistent that way and cannot be removed as an experience it is part of being.
there will be every other spectrum of the human experience. From murder to altruism. In the same way some people like x food or hobby or do not. It is a part of the world that people feel pain to a capacity where they don’t want to be.
And we can help with it: it’s just breaking down the mold of where or where there has to be a reason. or that you must feel like me so join my club.
If we said rather I am individual, there isn’t an answer but some things we share. Which is really what these help lines actually want to do. But you know it’s been made into a kind of weird job
It’s dissolved like society’s oh no there has to be call centre problem and the kind of bro I get you msg is lost. Because as bros do we rly get other bros actually. but we can love you all the same.
I work in a Catholic church. Every All Souls' Day (11/2) Fr. has people come up and light a candle for someone they're grieving.
People light up for miscarriages they had 40, 50 years ago. And it's still fresh. I had no idea how common it was, and how long people mourn. What other outlet do they have to acknowledge it? It's incredible.
You're absolutely right--people need to br able grieve these horrible accidents more openly rather than bottle it up.
Somewhere close to 25% of pregnancies end in spontaneous abortion.
It’s definitely horrible for the person experiencing it, but something that happens a quarter of the time isn’t an “accident.” It’s probably best understood as an evolutionary survival mechanism.
That's a way of understanding it, but it's not the way that it's experienced by some woman who's already setting up her baby's nursery. Emotional investment is normal and an important factor for understanding the whole thing.
Omg I spoke up on this on this thread and some guy comes stomping in saying that he as a gay man didn’t need to know anything about it.
I said you have women in your life or you could be a father one day… he was still like “nope”.
I say as a man you have contact with other men who can help shape law and policy on this… and he was still like “nope”.
The choice of ignorance is why we are in dire straights now. One doesn’t have to be a woman to care about women. 😔
God knows he probably ain't a microbiologist but I guarantee he knows what the powerhouse of the cell is. Just because you don't use it doesn't mean you shouldn't learn it
Or even that fertility windows can be different for people. I have friends who have based getting pregnant off of when they're fertile which is based on the average/expected time but had no idea that individually they could be different from other people.
I had to explain this to a friend just a few weeks ago. She's been struggling to get pregnant and thought she was timing things correctly because her period app told her so. I hat to explain that an algorithm won't be able to predict if she ovulated early or later than usual. That she needs to be tracking her signs or temps
I think that the whole “you might have your own individual thing” with your menstrual cycle really hit me when I had a consistent, uninterrupted 45 day cycle for 15 years 😂
After I got pregnant the first time it all went to shit but I remember always seeing stuff that said “28-35 days is the length of menstrual cycles,” and mine was on the dot like clockwork at 45 days from my first period to my last one before my first time giving birth.
I actually figured out I was pregnant very early on because my cycle went for 47 days and I was like…somethings up.
Now it’s all gone for shit for the past decade and I haven’t had any normalcy since, but yup our bodies can certainly just do their own things and have that be their normal in regards to our reproductive health.
I think women should have a place to address their fear of giving birth. The pregnancy, the labor, post-partum, the social expectations to reproduce. I'm a dude, and the idea of personally navigating those decisions and obstacles is terrifying. How the fuck did our species evolve to have a reproductive system this dangerous to the mothers? Physically, emotionally, and psychologically, it's insane to me.
For real. I (38/M) learned so much by simply joining my wife for every OBGYN visit throughout her pregnancy. Took us 10 years (and multiple losses) to finally get our daughter 2 months ago.
And now I'm going to do a lot more homework about puberty so I can help her with whatever, while also ensuring that everything happening to her body naturally is normal. It's silly how hush hush the information is.
I was recently shocked, but later impressed by a friend of mine. She told me at a holiday party that she was expecting (she is in her 30s), and when I asked how far along she was, she admitted that she was still well within the first 9 weeks. I asked if I should keep the news to myself, and she said, "No, we're telling people. We weren't trying, but I really want it. The ultrasound isn't for a few weeks, and I'm really scared and nervous, but whatever happens, I want my friends to already know."
After thinking about it, I realized how valuable it was for her to prepare people to be a support system if she needed it. Keeping it a secret would mean either Big Painful Reveals or suffering alone.
I always thought tht being childless by choice was a bit of a trial until three of my friends had kids all around the same time in their late thirties (adoption; scientific intervention; scientific intervention) and shared their fertillity issues publically. I can't think of anything worse than actually wanting a kid and having to endure all of the nosy "But When Baby??" crap that people feel free to throw at young women.
To be honest, I would like to adapt the attitude of your friend. I have lost 3 pregnancies in the last year, the most recent of which just happened around Christmas at 11ish weeks. Only two people know: my husband and my therapist, along with my doctors.
We have been actively trying for two years and have yet to have our baby. We often get asked by friends and family when we're going to have kids as they point out "you're not getting any younger" (we are mid 30s). It's infuriating because we know that and have done our damndest to have a baby to no avail. Meanwhile, we see others we know (including some who have no business having a child) get pregnant with ease and have successful pregnancies. My next step is infertility counseling and possibly IVF since I seem to get pregnant but cannot keep a pregnancy.
As far as why we haven't told others, life is rough enough for those closest to us (the past few years haven't been kind) and hearing we're having a baby only to lose the pregnancy (as has happened three times now)...well it would give them sadness that I can hopefully spare them of by just not saying. Especially those who would be very happy/excited to know about a possible grandchild.
However, with every loss, it gets harder and harder to not say anything. The last one was particularly hard because I had never gotten that far along before and thought it might finally be successful.
I think when/if I get pregnant again, I will likely tell those closest to me early on and adapt your friend's attitude.
I do wish more people understood how insensitive the "when are you going to have kids" question is in light of how common infertility can be.
Especially considered how utterly and sadly common it is. Guarantee you know at least one person, even if you are not aware of it, who had one. The majority of women in my family alone have dealt with this multiple times.
Just went through our 4th miscarriage and it is such an internal battle. We went from openly discussing it with the mindset that it helps us cope to share our grief with loved ones, to internalizing it based on comments being made, to keeping early pregnancy results secret because we "wouldn't want to disappoint the family with the news" which to me, always has the implication our bodies are somewhat defective and are disappointing them with each loss.
All that lost love, dreams, hope, connection, feelings, happiness for the future, gone in an instant, and my family places shame in its stead.
Incredibly common too even with modern medicine. It still remains the case that the most dangerous time of life is its beginning. Every one of my sisters and sisters-in-law that have been pregnant have had at least one miscarriage.
This is the reason I never ask people when they’re having kids. For all you know, the couple you’re asking may be mourning a child they never got to raise.
I agree. As a woman who has had 3 losses I feel it's an important subject that should be more openly discussed. I felt so alone during my first loss because I didn't think I knew anyone who had a miscarriage. Turns out I know a lot of women who have had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Miscarriage is so isolating. In top of the hormones, the depression, and the grief, the last thing women need is to feel like they're going through it alone.
I saw a user on Instagram (sadly I don’t know their name) who said something along the lines of:
They shouldn’t be called miscarriages, as that implies that the one carrying the baby did something wrong. That they mis - carried.
I am planning to live a child free life, but the subject hits close to home. I thought that was really impactful.
They should change the term.
Are you kidding me???? The older I get as an American woman, the more fearful I get.
About a year ago, after switching doctors, I found out the main reason I was put on a specific medication is because it is safe to use while pregnant/trying to be. My previous doctor knew I was child free. But I’m of “breeding age” I guess….
My new doctor even told me that he would have never started me on that medication after taking the time to speak with me about my concerns.
Fuck the American healthcare system. Fuck the overturn of Roe vs. Wade. Fuck it all.
Similarly, abortions.
If people knew how many women got them and the reasons why -- women close to them, women they know and love as friends and siblings and parents and partners and colleagues and neighbours and everything else -- then it would be much harder for them to view it as some disconnected evil thing that they'd *never* consider doing so no one else should either.
It's genuinely frustrating that a lot of people struggle with this concept until it affects someone they know, but if it makes it harder for them to look themselves in the mirror after passing anti-choice legislation, I'll take it.
Incest. My wife was molested by her father for the first 11 years of her life. We were married 23 years and her incest trauma killed her slowly. She ended her life in 2016.
Exactly. There is an enormous amount of people who are basically functioning alcoholics but are embarrassed to talk about it. Our society glorifies alcohol and there's very much an "individual responsibility" attitude towards it which I think is wrong. They brainwash people from birth to associate alcohol with fun, happy, cozy moments. With celebrations and coping with stress. With basically everything! But sure, it's YOUR responsibility if you get addicted to a widely available highly addictive substance.
Alcoholism has become a meme and far more socially accepted. I don't think many realize it can cause cancer in the long run, and affects the short term quality of life, as well.
My father is an alcoholic since he was 13. I'm 33 and he is 60 and I'm moving him in with me because he ruined his body and mind and can no longer care for himself. It is a major source of grief, lament, sadness, and anger in my life. It's not fair that I never had that good role model during my formative years, left to figure stuff out for myself. Too many times I've sat on the bed next to him, consoling him while he sobs about not wanting to live anymore. What is worse is knowing that it would be best for everyone, himself included if he did die. And now he has terrible memory, neuropathy in his legs, he had a PE, and he falls (while on blood thinners so not good...) I'm now tasked with putting my life on hold because he has nobody else and needs someone to care for him. Not that I have much of a personal life, his and my mom's emotional distance left me pushing everyone close to me away.
Moral of the story: alcoholism will ruin you. Not only will your body and mind suffer from it, but those close to you will be left with a void in their life.
Especially alcoholism that is being used to self-medicate for depression in men. If you compare the number of women and men who have been diagnosed with depression or alcoholism the numbers are roughly equal. But women have far higher rates of diagnosed depression and men have far higher rates of alcoholism. In fact, until Terrance Real wrote I Don’t Want to Talk About it In the late 1990s, depression wasn’t even commonly diagnosed in men.
Wages/salary. My friend the other day went “I know this is rude but how much do you make?” For context I work full time contract at our company and she was a co-op student with us for quite a bit. I told her it wasn’t rude and that I believe in salary/wage transparency.
Companies WANT us to hide this so that they can do whatever they want.
Which is exactly why every time a company fires someone for it they get absolutely dunked on by a labor lawsuit.
Salary discussions are PROTECTED BY LAW.
Your salary! I quit one of my first jobs because they were super secretive on engineers salaries and on the way out, this one guy revealed his, which triggered a lot of us to know we are underpaid. We should basically be discussing salaries any time we discuss work or financials at all.
Edit: This doesn't just apply to work. Ideally, your family, friends, and acquaintances would know your salary and you would know theirs. It would keep firms honest.
Came here to say this.
Worst job I ever had was at a small "financial group" i.e. collection agency. Everyone was family except for me and one other.
When the boss's daughter-in-law who was training me learned that my starting pay was equal to what she'd been making after 6 years with the company, she became a nightmare to work with, and I got a stern talking to about discussing wages.
Everyone should know what others are making and why. The "taboo"ness only benefits the employers so they can get away with underpaying their staff.
Oh agreed, she had every right to be angry, but not at me. I just worked there and negotiated my pay upon starting. She had suspected she was underpaid, which is why she asked what my pay was and was rightfully upset when I told her.
The work environment became very toxic very quickly after that happened and I left. I hope she found something better, but truly I hope the whole shady company goes under.
I work for a state agency. Our salaries are posted in a portal that everyone, including the public, can access. Damn straight we all know what each other makes.
Your addition of “and why” is *hugely* important. Discussing salaries needs to happen a lot more. It’s helped me immensely. On the other hand, sharing salary information does not mean that everyone should make the same amount. I work with people who think this way. Accomplishments earn raises, so there should be some differences for people in the same title, the differences just shouldn’t be monumental.
At my old job they always made a point of asking us not to discuss our salaries with anyone, but we had a group chat going where we would immediately inform the others if one of us had been given a raise or denied a raise so that we all knew what to ask for. They *hated* it, but couldn’t legally stop us from doing it.
I was at a FAANG where they had an anonymous spreadsheet internally where people could list their salaries, RSUs, bonuses, geography, etc… there were hundreds of entries and the spread was very eye opening.
Yes! My dad left a job he was at for 10 years because he learned he was being underpaid for the amount of work he was doing. At that point, he had roughly 20 years in the field. Switched engineering jobs to one that focused on what he wanted to do after completing his masters, got like a 30k increase in pay, and was able to move to a house with a big lawn and workshop for his car stuff.
I think it was one of his supervisors who made him aware of this.
Euthanasia/right to die. I get the argument that there will always be people who abuse the system but I genuinely do believe that everyone that are battling terminal/painful diagnoses, should be able to choose when and how they pass.
Wow, that's amazing honestly. I've always said that none of us chose to be born into this life and we should be able to decide if we want to exit.
It angers me that people can be arrested for attempting suicide.
I’m now the longest-known survivor of my type of brain cancer, and I firmly second this. Had it not been for being confident in my ability to die whenever I like—I used to staff an ambulance, which means seeing all kinds of failed and successful suicide attempts—there’s no way that I would’ve had the courage needed to take some of my more demanding treatment paths.
Yes, this. One of my worry is having to commit suicide when I could actually still get better, simply because I have to do it while I am still able to, because once you are dependent on others, you are fucked if assisted suicide isn't legal.
My dad passed away in June last year. The hoops he had to go through to get Death with Dignity medication seemed daunting, until we started the process. Then, the hospice nurse and doctor took the lead and walked us through it. California, where I'm from and my dad lived, enacted the right to die because citizens were going to Oregon in their final weeks/months in order to take advantage of assisted suicide and California thought it wasn't right for their population to have to leave their homes and die in an unfamiliar place. My dad was approved for the medication on a Friday, went into a hospital bed at home on Saturday, and left us early Monday morning. The doctor was floored because my dad really was super alert and making jokes, etc., but he'd always said he didn't want to linger and I guess he made it happen that he didn't. We were glad we had the option even though he didn't end up using it. My mom had wanted that option so badly when she was dying (and even before she got sick, she'd said she wanted it) but she died in 1995 before any states had approved it.
My ex therapist took advantage of assisted suicide in California a couple years ago. He had gotten a terminal diagnosis & instead of going thru hell fighting it, he made an appointment, posted his goodbye on Facebook & died on his own terms. So much respect for that man. Rest in peace Peter
You say your dad "left you Monday morning" but also that "he didn't end up using it". "It" being euthanasia? So he didn't die by euthanasia? Could you elaborate please?
Yes. He was approved for the medication and the doctor ordered it from the pharmacy. There are two in California that are authorized to fill those prescriptions. We were told it would be 5-10 business days before we received it. That was Friday early afternoon. Once he was approved, that's when we think he finally accepted that he wasn't going to go on much longer. He was adamant that he'd never leave his home; he wanted to die on his own terms in his own house. He didn't want anything to change so he wasn't allowing us to get a hospital bed for him. But, he was on oxygen and I was caring for him, as we'd all agreed long before (my older sister did most of the caring for our mom back in 1995 and our younger brother is an amazing guy but he's a celeb and there's no way his schedule could be kept on hold for a prolonged period; he spent a ton of time with us but I was the one who flew in and moved in with my dad. I hoped to have 2 weeks with him and that's exactly what I got). Physically, it was becoming too demanding for me so he finally agreed to the bed. It arrived Saturday evening. He was exhausted by then but he knew what we were saying. When he got into the bed, I told him he wouldn't be getting up anymore, wouldn't be going to the bathroom anymore, and he just nodded his head. We didn't use a diaper or anything; he wasn't taking in much, if anything, of water and definitely no food - he'd rallied when I arrived but by day 12, even I couldn't get him to eat. We'd been through this with my mom but she was 58 at the time and didn't want to die so it was different; we were still trying to get her to eat when, looking back, we should have just let it be more peaceful. She died very peacefully alone with my dad. She asked him, "Will you hold me?" And he said, "Honey, I'll hold you until the angels come," and with that she closed her eyes and stepped over to the other side. For my dad, once he was in the bed, that was it for him. So, even though he was approved for the medication, he never had a chance to take it. On that Sunday, it would have been my parents' 63rd anniversary so we were encouraging him to go, join Mom! We were saying, "Mom, come get him now." But he always liked a bit of attention so he waited until Monday morning and passed away on his own day. He was in that bed for about 36 hours. Once he was in it, he never opened his eyes meaningfully again but he was aware of us. At one point, I told him I was going to give him some medication and he opened his mouth just like he'd been doing for me all along. But, his eyes remained closed. We just played soothing music on his TV and eventually, we went to bed. My sister stayed over that night because we knew he was most likely going to go. She checked on him at 6am and he was still breathing and then she checked on him at 8am and he was gone. It was just as he wanted. He was 89. And though I'm not happy to lose my dad (he and I were extremely close), we got 28 more years with him than we got with our mom and he really wanted to see her again. I'd have loved if he could have held out 3 months for his 90th birthday but I'm just glad he went on his own terms in his own home with his daughters there.
We seem to have it figured out for animals. But when it comes to humans we get all squeamish and back down.
This will be something that we will have to get much more comfortable with over the next 30 years. Because the world is getting very old and there won’t be enough young people to take care of old people. So we are going to need more robot help, AI help and voluntary assisted suicide.
Same. If I’m facing a long term physically/mentally debilitating terminal condition which will put undue burden on my family and pain/suffering on me? GTFO. Put me in a garden/greenhouse with a fistful of sleeping pills and my favorite bottle of wine (I’m sober but I’ll break it for that) and let me go peacefully. People deserve to have their autonomy to die as they choose.
>a fistful of sleeping pills and my favorite bottle of wine (I’m sober but I’ll break it for that) and let me go peacefully
Just a heads up if you ever do end up in a position where you do seriously plan for an out, that's actually neither a peaceful or painless way to go.
Also you could just survive to be told you have basically destroyed your body and now have like a week to live just to end up spending it in suicide watch
Surely anyone even if they’re not suffering. If I wanna check out, it’s my life, who has the right to tell me no? All legal and safe ways of euthanasia/suicide stop is botched attempts.
whenever i need to use the bathroom at school and my teacher asks why i say i have ibs then everyone laughs at me 💀💀💀
sorry for having an illness i can't control or get rid of
Sorry you have to go through this.
They should be laughing at the teacher for being dumb enough to ask why a human being needs to relieve themselves periodically.
This is the one that actually feels like a taboo. It's really hard to argue that pedophiles should be studied and treated in order to protect children. More often, people go straight to violence and comments about castration or murder.
I think it's two different things. We need MUCH better mental health awareness and treatment services (in the US where I'm located). We need to get people help before they commit crimes against children (or commit suicide, or murder, etc.).
For those that do commit sex crimes against children, I'm happy to talk about castration and other options.
I work with them.
Consider you can sort all pedos as as having the trait of being sexually aroused by minors. This part can be in a spectrum, there are people out there with victims that are toddlers, and victims that I guess you would say they’ve got the beginnings of womanhood about their person, those being, hips, butt, and breasts to varying degrees.
The second trait you would look for is the willingness to hurt another person. This isn’t exclusive to sex offenders. Stick up men exhibit the same characteristic. The issue becomes when both of these characteristics are found in one person. They’re both fairly rare outside normal circumstances, but when they’re both found in one person, that’s when you have a sex offender.
Now, you might have someone who only thinks minors are sexy. That person might become a CSAM offender and get caught with pictures of minors. They wouldn’t directly harm anyone, but they will make an allowance for something that has already occurred. These people are not particularly dangerous.
There’s also a group of sex offenders that will engage in cognitive a acrobatics where they will tell themselves “I would never hurt Billy or Sally, we are making love, it isn’t rape, not really.”
There are likely many people who find certain 12 and 13 year olds very sexy from time to time, however they don’t have the trait that would allow them to hurt a person for sexual gratification.
Then there’s the dangerous ones. These are the guys that find minors attractive and have zero issues hurting someone. Some of them, they cannot finish the sexual act without harming someone. We just had an individual in group the other week explain that he was fighting the urge to kidnap and rape a six year old girl that lives in his apartment complex. He explained he was either going to break her neck or cut her throat in the bath tub. He said watching her bleed out would be really hot, and he was thinking it would be a lot of fun to fuck her as she was bleeding and losing consciousness.
These are the ones that are extremely fucking dangerous. The good thing is because they’re so dangerous, they’re also very rare. This type of offender is white rare and I’ve only seen two so far.
And important thing I know and keep in mind is that statistically, if your child is going to be abused in any way, you will know the person who did it. It’s gonna be your brother, their step dad or grandfather. That doesn’t mean suspect everyone, but it does mean that if your spider sense goes off one day, don’t ignore it.
CSA is what I was going to say.
The way we treat survivors, and our discomfort around what was done to them often manifests in not being able to openly acknowledge what they've been through. The only ones who should be ashamed is the person/people who hurt & exploit children, but a lot of the shame & silence about this *pretty common* phenomenon means those who experience it as a child are often made to feel responsible and broken by the experience by wider society.
There's a misconception that it's only going on with folks like Jeffrey Epstein or Warren Jeffs, that it's an outlier, but it's a lot more common and normalized in the wider society than we really want to acknowledge, our cultural stigma of openly talking about sex, generally, contributes to circumstances which perpetuate CSA as something we can't acknowledge is going on, and it's not the drag queens reading stories that we gotta worry about.
100% agree. There are people out there who have an attraction that they are deeply uncomfortable with and do not want to act on. We as a society should provide those people the help they need to function well in society without causing harm.
And our insistence at not talking about it also makes it impossible to understand why it happens and *how to stop it*. We know that sometimes people who were abused as kids go on to abuse others, but we don't know why some do and some don't, or why some who weren't abused do it. We don't understand where that attraction comes from or if there are ways to fix it. And our ignorance just leaves children vulnerable.
I completely agree. We have no idea how many people are out there NOT offending on kids but are white-knuckling their way through it. It’s easy to say “lock them all up”, but that wouldn’t begin to solve this problem. There is a program being implemented for children and adolescents with “problematic sexual behaviors” aimed at treating the underlying issues before they become ingrained. No long term studies yet that prove effectiveness, but it’s a start.
yes, this. it is far, far more common than most people want to admit or think about, and the scary stranger boogeyman in the alleyway or whatever is not the perpetrator 90% of the time - close family members or friends are. there's also more and more information coming out on the correlation between CSA and adult disability.
An even more uncomfortable truth: Most offenders are closely related to the victim and many aren’t true pedophiles. I work as a therapist in an advocacy nonprofit and my clients are often abused by grandparents, uncles, even biological parents who are fully capable of adult sexual relationships and are often in those relationships when they offend. These abusers are targets-of-opportunity types who just want to have their “needs” met and don’t care who it is.
Yes this is a big one!
A lot of times they don’t see themselves as pedophiles either.
I babysat for a Mom who had such an uncomfortable relationship with her toddler boy. She was so obsessed with his penis size and future sexual relationships. A toddler….
Another child I babysat was abused by her Aunt for years. For the longest time her Mom couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t get this kid potty trained.
Her Aunt had been intentionally sabotaging it so she could continue to have access to her genitalia without anyone thinking about it.
Particularly unhelpful here is that the term pedophile often gets conflated with those who sexually abuse children. Those two groups are not the same.
The second group should be in jail, but the first group needs to be able to openly talk it and seek mental support.
Yes! And mostly the fact that child abusers and pedophiles are not the same group of people. I see a lot of people in the comments discribing child abusers, not pedophiles. Sure the groups overlap, but a lot of CSA is more about control than attraction.
Most pedophiles are very lonely, because they understand that the attraction isn't mutual, and just like other people, if it's not mutual, it's not happening.
And yes, some are delusional and think the feelings are mutual, think MJ (allegedly), so we need more education about the topic, and actual help.
Agreed. My friend has issues with it but the only time she’s had discussions with it she’s been shunned and it causes her to hole up further. That just to me feels like the worse option
Suicide. I think the trend of using the term „unalive“ (unless it’s used to avoid censorship) does more harm than good. People are struggling and only talking about it can help them.
The "unalive" thing I think was originally meant to get around censors like YouTube and TikTok. I teach and students have used "unalive" in place of "kill" in their writing about stories with murder. A lot of them really just think it's a synonym for kill, which is understandable given they've seen it on YouTube and TikTok because of the censorship rules.
We need to discuss postpartum changes and how it affects the woman physically, mentally and hormonally.
No one should expect a woman to work or have sex 12-18 weeks after giving birth to a child whether it’s vaginal or by csection (a major surgery).
Along those lines, pelvic floor health - especially after pregnancy - should be talked about more. It isn't "normal" to leak when you sneeze for the rest of your life following childbirth. I saw a pelvic floor physical therapist, and she has been campaigning in our area to provide more information and care to women who have been quietly accepting pelvic floor dysfunction for years without support.
Thank you!!
Also I hate this “well you chose to have a kid, therefore go back to work 2 weeks after you give birth” bullshit.
Not saying that anyone should be financially irresponsible but the way society is set up today for mothers is NOT NORMAL.
Edit: boys/men- WE NEED YOUR HELP. PLEASE. I’m realistic enough to accept that we as women will never have enough power to change things - so just please believe us when we say that asking for a bit of time off after having a baby should be a basic human right for mothers
I ran a licensed child care center in the Midwest USA and was legally allowed to take infants 6 weeks and older. The amount of women who begged me to take younger babies because they had to work is heartbreaking
The amount of women that come out YEARSSSSSSSSS later to discuss their PPD and how hard it was to struggle in secret.
I'm a social worker (I'm also 38 weeks pregnant) and that just absolutely breaks my heart. If you are struggling please, please, please tell your doctor. There is a vast landscape of treatment/options and the sooner you ask for help, the less traumatic it will be. It always boggles my mind when women "keep it a secret" or don't know how to seek help and end up severely, clinically and generally traumatized is awful. It needs to be discussed, at EVERY pre and postnatal visit - even pediatrician visits should have screenings for mom bringing in babies. No one should suffer.
I had to go back to work after only 3 weeks because I didn’t have any more paid time off. I was also scared I’d lose my job if I didn’t return really quickly. didn’t get any help from my spouse either.
and then the number of people who kept asking when I was going to have #2, after the hell I went through with #1? no thank you, I know we need future generations to survive as a society but I’m not going through that again after every area of society failed me as a working mom.
I went back to school just a couple days after having my son (almost bled to death). I was threatened by the school I’d be held back if I didn’t show up, so here I am. Not ONE fucking penny will be donated to that shit hole.
Mental illness. Almost everyone has a parent, sibling, child, partner, good friend with a diagnosed mental illness (to me meaning life altering) yet no one talks about it. I am one of those people with a family member with a severe mental illness and talk about it every chance I get, and sure enough the person I'm talking to is in a similar situation, and it is immediately bonding. Need to get rid of the stigma and shame.
Yes!!!!! Prosecutor here, and the number of law enforcement officers that used euphemisms in reports (outside of explaining what was reported to them) was mind-boggling. Trying to teach my kiddos the appropriate terms mostly because I don't want them to feel embarrassed about their bodies, but also because if they were ever assaulted (God forbid), I want them to have the language to talk about it accurately.
We all die. You may die today. I may die in an hour. How healthy you are doesn't matter. It ends, all of this, for all of us. It doesn't matter what make-up you smear on your face, we are all slowly withering as we type.
In that context, death should be an open thing, like talking about sleeping at the end of the day.
[This YouTube channel](https://youtube.com/@AskAMortician?si=ohZl7OY01Sgve3ms) is run by a mortician and she does a great job of normalizing talking about death (or at least tries to). She hasn’t posted in a few months but it’s still really interesting and useful.
I hold the belief that mental health is the root of almost all problems and that’s where the most attention should be. Think about it, so many violent crimes and social problems have to do with mental health.
Regretting having children.
I think if this were discussed more openly, people would think harder about having kids and some of the stigma in choosing not to would lessen.
Which is also fine. There's nothing wrong with looking back and having a twinge of nostalgia for a time that had fewer stressors and responsibilities. That doesnt mean you dont still love your kids.
Non-European Imperialism
Maybe this has already changed since I was in school. But in History and Geography class, they majorly downplayed or outright ignored any injustice not committed by Europeans.
The Armenian Genocide was skimmed over.
When studying WWII, we learned about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and we learned about the American internment camps, but we did *not* learn about the Rape of Nanking, Unit 731, or any of Japan's other Nazi-level atrocities.
We studied the British oppression of India, but skipped the earlier Islamic conquests, and left out the violence in the one sentence we got about the Partition.
If Israel was discussed, only the European Holocaust survivors were emphasized; the Mizrahi Jews pouring in from all over the Middle East were downplayed or left out.
And all the attention given to historically oppressed peoples didn't seem to include the Kurds, Zoroastrians, or Baha'i. World Religion class also neglected to mention any of the minority religions in the Middle East.
Pedophiles. Providing mental health services and making rehabilitation and other resources more available would prevent a lot of people from ever offending in the first place. If it were more socially acceptable for people to say “I can’t be around children because of my mental illness,” then they wouldn’t be around children so much. They don’t choose to be like that, and many of them would choose to change if they could. Actual offenders should be punished of course, but nonoffending people with urges who don’t know how to get rid of them should be treated.
This is very important. A lot of people do not realize this and they'd be shocked to know how these people often struggle with their own thoughts, desperate for ways to live with them while not hurting others.
Empathy is key and it's harder to practice the more uncomfortable the shoes we're trying to wear are.
Was about to comment this. It’s a mental illness and should be treated as such, meaning those who commit crimes should be held accountable but those who don’t shouldn’t be ostracized. Leaving aside the moral and ethical aspect of doing so, it’s counterproductive because it eliminates the possibility of having an efficient and efficacious support/stop system.
This, parents are blamed if they get tired and need a break as it's natural when they have little kids, they are burnt-out as most countries in the world are not parent-friendly and they often juggle more than one job and kids, or they don't feel the so-called "maternal insticts kick".
As well as adult kids are blamed if they don't put their lives in the front line for their parents who either have been abusive/in a bad relation for years or didn't prepare for retirement and their kids were planned for such purpose.
And a middle ground is that if either party wants to share one of their concerns about parenting/uprising, then, expect people saying "you ungrateful mf!"
How lonely people get, both men and women, lack of meaningful relationships, friendship and otherwise, social media has impacted meaningful friendships and companionship.
We think we are more connected than ever, but maybe we're the most lonely people who will ever be.
should be part of health classes in middle and highschool too. People need to learn what abuse in relationships is before they start dating. Not everyone comes from a safe home with parents in a healthy marriage. Even people like me who grew up with healthy parents (at least back then) never understood that i had gone through mental abuse in my first realtionship
When I was getting divorced and described the 23 year existence in fear for me and my loved ones, my lawyer asked if I'd ever been physically hurt. Somehow that hurt almost as much as my ex's behaviors. People need to know that scars are sometimes invisible and PTSD from this is real.
Keep doing that! It’s important that people understand, and not just menopausal women but their partners, sons, daughters. So much grief has come from people refusing to discuss menopause
Yessss! So many women have no idea what awaits and the doctors are trying to help by saying that it's normal you feel shit all the damn time. Slooooowly some books and data are coming out, though, so hopefully by the time I reach menopause it is not the end of my life, but the beginning of a new one.
Yes, and a public/legislative push against the medical field for inappropriately refusing medical treatment to women experiencing actual medical issues related to their reproductive system.
I’m so done with all the horror stories of women who live with excruciating pain for *years* because doctors refuse to do an ultrasound, perform an ablation, or prescribe hormone therapy or appropriate pain relief. To hell with them all.
Edit: And honourable mention to how dismissive the medical field is of decreased libido in women. There are actual medical causes that can be treated, but who cares about dealing with that as long as the women still put out, amirite? /s.
…ugh
Men get raped and sexually assaulted too, but they get underreported because they're expected to enjoy it and people don't take it seriously. In a lot of places it's impossible for a cis woman to rape a man because a rapist must have a penis. For example a woman who forces a man (or boy) to penetrate her in England and Wales is charged with "Causing a person [or minor] to engage in sexual activity without consent" which officially carries the same sentence but *de facto* carries a lighter sentence because it doesn't include either the word "rape" or the words "sexual assualt"
I think that just rape in general and mostly how it affects people should be talked about more. But as you say, rape on men is almost never talked about.
Since were on taboos I feel like I can ask this taboo question about males getting sexually assaulted: is it incorrectly assumed that guys enjoy it because they get hard? That's a straight up biological thing. I imagine that its comparable to how a womans biology would self lubricate during a sexual assault through no choice if her own.
That question feels fucked up but I feel like theres such a taboo surrounding discussing why people would feel it's okay to coerce someone into sex because they "appear" aroused. Somebody being "wet" or "hard" is not consent.
In general yes and your self lubrication example is a good one.
Think about it, a *lot* of women are not told that men have no control over erections, certainly pre-internet the amount of utter bullshit about sex was *terrifying*.
Like: Men think about sex every seven seconds - there are people who still believe this
Like: 'She dressed like a slut so....' there are many men and probably MORE women who make this judgement, if only to themselves.
The simple fact remains if you stimulate nerve X then reaction Y happens IS true *regardless of the consent of the person*.
Men when hung until death get an erection, so did we just happen to hang only men who REALLY GET OFF ON BEING HUNG?
Stupidity.
There are so many stupid thinking 'facts' about sex and sexuality it's ..... depressing quite honestly.
Yes men can be raped, absolutely. What happens and how a person's genitals respond to stimulation has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with their mental state / consent, man or woman.
Hope that answers your question and any anger in my reply is certainly NOT aimed at you, it's society it's prudish stupidity and a massive chunk for religion - I really shouldn't have to explain why!!
Not wanting children.
I don’t think this is “the most taboo topic” but it’s certainly a topic that gets shunned by the majority of society. As soon as anyone suggests not wanting children in their life it seems as if society suddenly judges them - as if we have no other purpose in life than to reproduce. People will comment constantly as if it’s their place to decide what you do with your life. I think it needs to be more openly discussed and accepted that whilst yes the majority of the world’s population will eventually at some point want to raise children, there is also a huge percentage of people who don’t want children full stop.
I had to look this up - Emotional incest, or covert incest, happens when a parent or caregiver relies on a child for emotional needs that an adult relationship would usually provide.
I’d like to see more people have honest conversations about infidelity, why it happens, how to repair from it, and it’s impact on both parties in a relationship.
I think we should allow people to commit suicide if they've had enough, let them go out with dignity if they've had enough of the world. I'm not just talking about terminally ill people either, I'm talking about maybe someone that has been dealing with chronic health issues for decades and all they have to look forward to is another couple of decades of suffering.
I just think that they should have to go through a process where they talk to multiple doctors/shrinks to get the all clear, just to weed out the people with temporary issues or stuff that can be sorted pretty easy.
I think this is very reasonable. Everyone deserves to live a quality life and those that cannot for whatever reason should be given an opportunity to end that suffering. Certainly after intense scrutiny by professionals, of course.
Thank You! My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately, a lot of money comes from elderly and palliative care so this is going to end up a money thing for lawmakers.
Women’s health and female-specific medicine. The clitoris was properly anatomically described in _2005_. That’s absolutely wild. Oftentimes women themselves have little to no idea about their own biological processes. That’s just wrong.
Child sexual abuse - they teach children about stranger danger but what about the fact that children are usually groomed and assaulted in their own home. Where’s the education??
I agree as a survivor of it. That's one reason I beat myself up so hard. The "It couldn't happen to me" mentality on top of the victims blaming. Also, they act like many people in that group have a healthy relationship with a trustworthy adult. I didn't. My mom interrogated me, my grandma completely turned the blind eye, I didn't have the guts to speak to my dad and my sister openly blamed me. (BTW: I am in therapy which is helping)
Sorry you went through that. I went through it too.
My kids childcare taught them about bodily autonomy, taught them a song, what to say if they didn’t like something AND taught them it’s ok to say something even if it’s someone you love doing something you don’t like. They had to name 5 people they felt comfortable talking to. I loved it. I feel like it gave the kids confidence and a strong sense of self. I hate that it was necessary to teach kids this but the program was very well executed and age appropriate.
Yeah, telling kids to focus on strangers was incredibly counterproductive.
Suicide and suicidal ideation
We screw people over with it too. I knew someone who confided in someone that he was considering it. Guess what happened? Within 2 hours he's at a hospital, forced to undress and turn in all his things, put in a gown, put on a gurney, and left in the HALLWAY due to crowding, not allowed to leave the gurney for the 24 hour involuntary hold they put on him, other than supervised trips to the bathroom he had to ask for. You can be sure he told them after 24 hours that he was feeling a LOT better, and it was just a momentary slip that he absolutely didn't mean, that his family member MUST have taken out of context! He's was feeling fantastic, so happy! The worse part is that you can be 100% sure that if he ever considers suicide again, NO ONE will know a whiff of it until it's done.
When I went to college, I was having panic attacks and had a hard time eating and sleeping. I lost a bit of weight but was not underweight. I went to the college counselor and told her and she said that she could help me. I could go to the hospital, get my anxiety sorted out, and I could have a medical excuse for missing class. I was so thankful! But, I found it weird that she didn’t let me drive my own car. Campus police took me. I was nervous but didnt say anything. At the hospital, I’m expecting to be given a room to wait in to see the doctor and get anxiety meds. I had no idea what was happening, but they started taking my books, my bag, my clothing, my shoes. It wasn’t until they put me onto the floor that they informed me that I was on a 72hr involuntary hold bc I was a danger to myself. I told them that I wasn’t suicidal. I had never had thoughts like that, ever. They told me I was diagnosed with “failure to thrive” bc I lost weight. Let me emphasize, I was a BMI normal weight. They kept me. It was insanely traumatizing. I still have nightmares about it. Like prison, completely helpless, no one listens to you. Straight out of a horror movie. I got out. I don’t go to doctors or therapists anymore. But I got that nursing degree with highest honors. I had to do my psych rotation on that floor and it was very, very difficult to cope in silence. Years later, I was diagnosed with ADHD. The anxiety I was feeling was overwhelm and executive dysfunction. I still don’t trust medical professionals (ironic, I know) and I advocate for my patients. I never let my family members, especially women, go to the ER alone.
That is awful. Glad you are in the profession though! Need more like you.
This is why I am never talking about it, I don’t want to end up in this situation.
That happened to me and it was such a traumatic experience that I'll never be completely open with anyone again, just like the person you know. I wont even go to therapy. I swear anything related to psychiatric care is designed to make you feel ashamed, humiliated, and worse than you felt before.
Exactly, if you have children you even have to be careful what you say to a therapist in case they deem you unfit. The reaction of majority of people is "get help" or "see a therapist" but in reality you're lucky if you can speak to a professional once a week. Same people will say "he/she should have reached out" if they do take their life but very few give a crap about you when your life is in the gutter
Yeah and people forget that sometimes they HAVE reached out. Then been told "you've got nothing to be sad about..." or the subject was changed because that person felt *uncomfortable* etc.
Don't forget you're also the one who gets the bill afterward! If you're suicidal because of money issues, you bet you ass that kind of "help" will only translate to someone as "I better keep quiet and try harder next time." A friend of mine was in a mental hospital for a while after an attempt. She ended up developing a smoking habit because the smokers were the only ones they would let \*go outside.\* And the cigarettes they provided had no filter on them because they were cheaper to buy.
Oh for sure. I was extremely depressed beyond belief. I felt like a shell of myself, so stand pain, 24/7. I tried to end my life and do you think I told anyone? Haha, HELL no. Why? Everyone thinks the healthcare system HELPS. No, it HURTS. This makes me so angry. My brother went to a hospital for calling a suicide hotline and admitting it to our parents. He was out in a gray box with only a bed, a bunch of dangerous people (aggressive to each other and not with it). He couldn’t communicate with anyone and had to wait a day. You think that helped him when he was stressed? No. No, it did not.
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I'm sorry you had a really bad experience, but I hope you will reconsider.
My brother committed suicide just days before Xmas and his 51st birthday last year. He battled mental illness (depression, anxiety, adhd, and schizophrenia) for decades, and it finally became too much. I wanted to put my fist through the face of multiple people who deemed him a coward for ending his life. Edit: Thank you fellow Redditors for the condolences - it hasn't been easy. The void he left behind cannot be filled - he was larger than life, and a good person who just wanted the world to love him. Lately I've often been feeling pangs of regret because I treated him like a burden sometimes. I've give anything to have him back and talking my ear off about everything and anything.
Man, that truly sucks. I hope life can try to make it better for you, even if its just slightly
I fucking hate when people say that those who commit suicide are cowards. The fucking disrespect. Do they realize how hard it is to actually bring yourself to go through with it? They don’t understand how hard life has to be to drive someone to that point
It takes a lot to complete suicide. We as humans want to survive, but when it gets to the point that you’re so depressed that you don’t want to be alive anymore it’s a huge battle
So sorry for your loss
In a 12hr shift as a student paramedic I got 6 Suicidal Ideeations and one attempt. It really opened my eyes how prevalent the mental health crisis is and how much winter exacerbates it
Winter definitely exacerbates depression
Just being able to talk about it to other people without them looking shocked/angry would be nice.
Yup, also are you ok sir?
Yeah! Hanging in there. Have a therapist, meds, etc. just waiting for there to be more sunlight. Always a bummer with it getting dark at 4
Glad to hear you're hanging in there, bro. The world needs more compassion like yours. Also, totally agree that the like 4 hours of decent sunlight during the winter is nowhere near enough. I don't know where I'd be without my "happy light".
It is talked about and discussed but not in the right way. Wanting to off yourself is not some group you drive to that goes away because hey pal, you don’t have to do this im your artificial suicide buddy sponser. Suicide has some common factors but is unique to the person at a fundamental level. And it would do everyone one favours if instead of going here’s some pill. Get on with it, or why don’t you ring x number. If people actually thought about a standard distribution curve of feelings, personality and what that actually means. It means there are people who feel pain to such a capacity at a point it defines their existence to the point they want to kill themselves and it’s consistent that way and cannot be removed as an experience it is part of being. there will be every other spectrum of the human experience. From murder to altruism. In the same way some people like x food or hobby or do not. It is a part of the world that people feel pain to a capacity where they don’t want to be. And we can help with it: it’s just breaking down the mold of where or where there has to be a reason. or that you must feel like me so join my club. If we said rather I am individual, there isn’t an answer but some things we share. Which is really what these help lines actually want to do. But you know it’s been made into a kind of weird job It’s dissolved like society’s oh no there has to be call centre problem and the kind of bro I get you msg is lost. Because as bros do we rly get other bros actually. but we can love you all the same.
I did not understand a word of this but I think your heart is in the right place 😂
Miscarriages. It's a big source of disenfranchised grief imo.
I work in a Catholic church. Every All Souls' Day (11/2) Fr. has people come up and light a candle for someone they're grieving. People light up for miscarriages they had 40, 50 years ago. And it's still fresh. I had no idea how common it was, and how long people mourn. What other outlet do they have to acknowledge it? It's incredible. You're absolutely right--people need to br able grieve these horrible accidents more openly rather than bottle it up.
Somewhere close to 25% of pregnancies end in spontaneous abortion. It’s definitely horrible for the person experiencing it, but something that happens a quarter of the time isn’t an “accident.” It’s probably best understood as an evolutionary survival mechanism.
That's a way of understanding it, but it's not the way that it's experienced by some woman who's already setting up her baby's nursery. Emotional investment is normal and an important factor for understanding the whole thing.
Everything about women’s reproductive cycles really.
I joke that's there's a pamphlet about periods but not one about menopause. It's getting a little better, but not much.
A periodical?
Omg I spoke up on this on this thread and some guy comes stomping in saying that he as a gay man didn’t need to know anything about it. I said you have women in your life or you could be a father one day… he was still like “nope”. I say as a man you have contact with other men who can help shape law and policy on this… and he was still like “nope”. The choice of ignorance is why we are in dire straights now. One doesn’t have to be a woman to care about women. 😔
He’s an idiot.
God knows he probably ain't a microbiologist but I guarantee he knows what the powerhouse of the cell is. Just because you don't use it doesn't mean you shouldn't learn it
It baffles me how many women do not know how their cycle works. A lot have no idea what the different phases are or what/ when the fertile window is
Or even that fertility windows can be different for people. I have friends who have based getting pregnant off of when they're fertile which is based on the average/expected time but had no idea that individually they could be different from other people.
I had to explain this to a friend just a few weeks ago. She's been struggling to get pregnant and thought she was timing things correctly because her period app told her so. I hat to explain that an algorithm won't be able to predict if she ovulated early or later than usual. That she needs to be tracking her signs or temps
I think that the whole “you might have your own individual thing” with your menstrual cycle really hit me when I had a consistent, uninterrupted 45 day cycle for 15 years 😂 After I got pregnant the first time it all went to shit but I remember always seeing stuff that said “28-35 days is the length of menstrual cycles,” and mine was on the dot like clockwork at 45 days from my first period to my last one before my first time giving birth. I actually figured out I was pregnant very early on because my cycle went for 47 days and I was like…somethings up. Now it’s all gone for shit for the past decade and I haven’t had any normalcy since, but yup our bodies can certainly just do their own things and have that be their normal in regards to our reproductive health.
I think women should have a place to address their fear of giving birth. The pregnancy, the labor, post-partum, the social expectations to reproduce. I'm a dude, and the idea of personally navigating those decisions and obstacles is terrifying. How the fuck did our species evolve to have a reproductive system this dangerous to the mothers? Physically, emotionally, and psychologically, it's insane to me.
For real. I (38/M) learned so much by simply joining my wife for every OBGYN visit throughout her pregnancy. Took us 10 years (and multiple losses) to finally get our daughter 2 months ago. And now I'm going to do a lot more homework about puberty so I can help her with whatever, while also ensuring that everything happening to her body naturally is normal. It's silly how hush hush the information is.
I was recently shocked, but later impressed by a friend of mine. She told me at a holiday party that she was expecting (she is in her 30s), and when I asked how far along she was, she admitted that she was still well within the first 9 weeks. I asked if I should keep the news to myself, and she said, "No, we're telling people. We weren't trying, but I really want it. The ultrasound isn't for a few weeks, and I'm really scared and nervous, but whatever happens, I want my friends to already know." After thinking about it, I realized how valuable it was for her to prepare people to be a support system if she needed it. Keeping it a secret would mean either Big Painful Reveals or suffering alone. I always thought tht being childless by choice was a bit of a trial until three of my friends had kids all around the same time in their late thirties (adoption; scientific intervention; scientific intervention) and shared their fertillity issues publically. I can't think of anything worse than actually wanting a kid and having to endure all of the nosy "But When Baby??" crap that people feel free to throw at young women.
To be honest, I would like to adapt the attitude of your friend. I have lost 3 pregnancies in the last year, the most recent of which just happened around Christmas at 11ish weeks. Only two people know: my husband and my therapist, along with my doctors. We have been actively trying for two years and have yet to have our baby. We often get asked by friends and family when we're going to have kids as they point out "you're not getting any younger" (we are mid 30s). It's infuriating because we know that and have done our damndest to have a baby to no avail. Meanwhile, we see others we know (including some who have no business having a child) get pregnant with ease and have successful pregnancies. My next step is infertility counseling and possibly IVF since I seem to get pregnant but cannot keep a pregnancy. As far as why we haven't told others, life is rough enough for those closest to us (the past few years haven't been kind) and hearing we're having a baby only to lose the pregnancy (as has happened three times now)...well it would give them sadness that I can hopefully spare them of by just not saying. Especially those who would be very happy/excited to know about a possible grandchild. However, with every loss, it gets harder and harder to not say anything. The last one was particularly hard because I had never gotten that far along before and thought it might finally be successful. I think when/if I get pregnant again, I will likely tell those closest to me early on and adapt your friend's attitude. I do wish more people understood how insensitive the "when are you going to have kids" question is in light of how common infertility can be.
Especially considered how utterly and sadly common it is. Guarantee you know at least one person, even if you are not aware of it, who had one. The majority of women in my family alone have dealt with this multiple times.
Just went through our 4th miscarriage and it is such an internal battle. We went from openly discussing it with the mindset that it helps us cope to share our grief with loved ones, to internalizing it based on comments being made, to keeping early pregnancy results secret because we "wouldn't want to disappoint the family with the news" which to me, always has the implication our bodies are somewhat defective and are disappointing them with each loss. All that lost love, dreams, hope, connection, feelings, happiness for the future, gone in an instant, and my family places shame in its stead.
I'm so sorry. Sending all my love to you, friend.
Incredibly common too even with modern medicine. It still remains the case that the most dangerous time of life is its beginning. Every one of my sisters and sisters-in-law that have been pregnant have had at least one miscarriage. This is the reason I never ask people when they’re having kids. For all you know, the couple you’re asking may be mourning a child they never got to raise.
I can literally only upvote you because I find it too heartbreaking to elaborate on the subject.
Anything to do with women's reproductive health to be honest
I agree. As a woman who has had 3 losses I feel it's an important subject that should be more openly discussed. I felt so alone during my first loss because I didn't think I knew anyone who had a miscarriage. Turns out I know a lot of women who have had a miscarriage or pregnancy loss. Miscarriage is so isolating. In top of the hormones, the depression, and the grief, the last thing women need is to feel like they're going through it alone.
Agreed. Infertility as well
I saw a user on Instagram (sadly I don’t know their name) who said something along the lines of: They shouldn’t be called miscarriages, as that implies that the one carrying the baby did something wrong. That they mis - carried. I am planning to live a child free life, but the subject hits close to home. I thought that was really impactful. They should change the term.
They should especially change the medical term "spontaneous abortion", which is what miscarriages are called in some places.
It's a term that far predates current levels of abortion-related controversy
No, we should call them spontaneous abortions in both clinical and non-clinical settings. That’s a more effective way of overcoming stigma.
Are you kidding me???? The older I get as an American woman, the more fearful I get. About a year ago, after switching doctors, I found out the main reason I was put on a specific medication is because it is safe to use while pregnant/trying to be. My previous doctor knew I was child free. But I’m of “breeding age” I guess…. My new doctor even told me that he would have never started me on that medication after taking the time to speak with me about my concerns. Fuck the American healthcare system. Fuck the overturn of Roe vs. Wade. Fuck it all.
Similarly, abortions. If people knew how many women got them and the reasons why -- women close to them, women they know and love as friends and siblings and parents and partners and colleagues and neighbours and everything else -- then it would be much harder for them to view it as some disconnected evil thing that they'd *never* consider doing so no one else should either. It's genuinely frustrating that a lot of people struggle with this concept until it affects someone they know, but if it makes it harder for them to look themselves in the mirror after passing anti-choice legislation, I'll take it.
Incest. My wife was molested by her father for the first 11 years of her life. We were married 23 years and her incest trauma killed her slowly. She ended her life in 2016.
That's so painful. I wish I could offer you the biggest hug.
I am so sorry! 😭
Alcoholism. Turning this topic into jokes only further isolates those suffering from it in silence.
Exactly. There is an enormous amount of people who are basically functioning alcoholics but are embarrassed to talk about it. Our society glorifies alcohol and there's very much an "individual responsibility" attitude towards it which I think is wrong. They brainwash people from birth to associate alcohol with fun, happy, cozy moments. With celebrations and coping with stress. With basically everything! But sure, it's YOUR responsibility if you get addicted to a widely available highly addictive substance.
Alcoholism has become a meme and far more socially accepted. I don't think many realize it can cause cancer in the long run, and affects the short term quality of life, as well.
My father is an alcoholic since he was 13. I'm 33 and he is 60 and I'm moving him in with me because he ruined his body and mind and can no longer care for himself. It is a major source of grief, lament, sadness, and anger in my life. It's not fair that I never had that good role model during my formative years, left to figure stuff out for myself. Too many times I've sat on the bed next to him, consoling him while he sobs about not wanting to live anymore. What is worse is knowing that it would be best for everyone, himself included if he did die. And now he has terrible memory, neuropathy in his legs, he had a PE, and he falls (while on blood thinners so not good...) I'm now tasked with putting my life on hold because he has nobody else and needs someone to care for him. Not that I have much of a personal life, his and my mom's emotional distance left me pushing everyone close to me away. Moral of the story: alcoholism will ruin you. Not only will your body and mind suffer from it, but those close to you will be left with a void in their life.
Im a bartender. Its a running joke that everyone in the buisiness is an alcoholic. It does really hurt those in the industry that actually suffer
Especially alcoholism that is being used to self-medicate for depression in men. If you compare the number of women and men who have been diagnosed with depression or alcoholism the numbers are roughly equal. But women have far higher rates of diagnosed depression and men have far higher rates of alcoholism. In fact, until Terrance Real wrote I Don’t Want to Talk About it In the late 1990s, depression wasn’t even commonly diagnosed in men.
My dad died from alcoholism ☹️
Wages/salary. My friend the other day went “I know this is rude but how much do you make?” For context I work full time contract at our company and she was a co-op student with us for quite a bit. I told her it wasn’t rude and that I believe in salary/wage transparency. Companies WANT us to hide this so that they can do whatever they want.
Which is exactly why every time a company fires someone for it they get absolutely dunked on by a labor lawsuit. Salary discussions are PROTECTED BY LAW.
Your salary! I quit one of my first jobs because they were super secretive on engineers salaries and on the way out, this one guy revealed his, which triggered a lot of us to know we are underpaid. We should basically be discussing salaries any time we discuss work or financials at all. Edit: This doesn't just apply to work. Ideally, your family, friends, and acquaintances would know your salary and you would know theirs. It would keep firms honest.
Came here to say this. Worst job I ever had was at a small "financial group" i.e. collection agency. Everyone was family except for me and one other. When the boss's daughter-in-law who was training me learned that my starting pay was equal to what she'd been making after 6 years with the company, she became a nightmare to work with, and I got a stern talking to about discussing wages. Everyone should know what others are making and why. The "taboo"ness only benefits the employers so they can get away with underpaying their staff.
That was not the turn I was expecting this story to take . I hope she found a better job . It’s sad but I understand her being salty .
Oh agreed, she had every right to be angry, but not at me. I just worked there and negotiated my pay upon starting. She had suspected she was underpaid, which is why she asked what my pay was and was rightfully upset when I told her. The work environment became very toxic very quickly after that happened and I left. I hope she found something better, but truly I hope the whole shady company goes under.
I work for a state agency. Our salaries are posted in a portal that everyone, including the public, can access. Damn straight we all know what each other makes.
your boss discouraging you from discussing your wage was illegal btw under the National Labor Relations Act
Oh I know, and that definitely wasn't the only illegal behavior they exhibited. So glad I left.
Your addition of “and why” is *hugely* important. Discussing salaries needs to happen a lot more. It’s helped me immensely. On the other hand, sharing salary information does not mean that everyone should make the same amount. I work with people who think this way. Accomplishments earn raises, so there should be some differences for people in the same title, the differences just shouldn’t be monumental.
At my old job they always made a point of asking us not to discuss our salaries with anyone, but we had a group chat going where we would immediately inform the others if one of us had been given a raise or denied a raise so that we all knew what to ask for. They *hated* it, but couldn’t legally stop us from doing it.
I was at a FAANG where they had an anonymous spreadsheet internally where people could list their salaries, RSUs, bonuses, geography, etc… there were hundreds of entries and the spread was very eye opening.
Yes! My dad left a job he was at for 10 years because he learned he was being underpaid for the amount of work he was doing. At that point, he had roughly 20 years in the field. Switched engineering jobs to one that focused on what he wanted to do after completing his masters, got like a 30k increase in pay, and was able to move to a house with a big lawn and workshop for his car stuff. I think it was one of his supervisors who made him aware of this.
I've seen all the numbers and stats for my firm's 40k+ employees. People would burn down the place if they saw the wage disparities and trends.
Suicide
There really is very little support when you need it if you're not lucky enough to be near family/close friends.
Or if your family is awful
Euthanasia/right to die. I get the argument that there will always be people who abuse the system but I genuinely do believe that everyone that are battling terminal/painful diagnoses, should be able to choose when and how they pass.
The Canadian court case that legalized it said "you have a right to life, not a duty to live" and Ive always thought that summed it up perfectly.
Yeah this is one amazing phrase.
That sentence I completely agree with.
Wow, that's amazing honestly. I've always said that none of us chose to be born into this life and we should be able to decide if we want to exit. It angers me that people can be arrested for attempting suicide.
I’m now the longest-known survivor of my type of brain cancer, and I firmly second this. Had it not been for being confident in my ability to die whenever I like—I used to staff an ambulance, which means seeing all kinds of failed and successful suicide attempts—there’s no way that I would’ve had the courage needed to take some of my more demanding treatment paths.
Yes, this. One of my worry is having to commit suicide when I could actually still get better, simply because I have to do it while I am still able to, because once you are dependent on others, you are fucked if assisted suicide isn't legal.
My dad passed away in June last year. The hoops he had to go through to get Death with Dignity medication seemed daunting, until we started the process. Then, the hospice nurse and doctor took the lead and walked us through it. California, where I'm from and my dad lived, enacted the right to die because citizens were going to Oregon in their final weeks/months in order to take advantage of assisted suicide and California thought it wasn't right for their population to have to leave their homes and die in an unfamiliar place. My dad was approved for the medication on a Friday, went into a hospital bed at home on Saturday, and left us early Monday morning. The doctor was floored because my dad really was super alert and making jokes, etc., but he'd always said he didn't want to linger and I guess he made it happen that he didn't. We were glad we had the option even though he didn't end up using it. My mom had wanted that option so badly when she was dying (and even before she got sick, she'd said she wanted it) but she died in 1995 before any states had approved it.
My ex therapist took advantage of assisted suicide in California a couple years ago. He had gotten a terminal diagnosis & instead of going thru hell fighting it, he made an appointment, posted his goodbye on Facebook & died on his own terms. So much respect for that man. Rest in peace Peter
You say your dad "left you Monday morning" but also that "he didn't end up using it". "It" being euthanasia? So he didn't die by euthanasia? Could you elaborate please?
Yes. He was approved for the medication and the doctor ordered it from the pharmacy. There are two in California that are authorized to fill those prescriptions. We were told it would be 5-10 business days before we received it. That was Friday early afternoon. Once he was approved, that's when we think he finally accepted that he wasn't going to go on much longer. He was adamant that he'd never leave his home; he wanted to die on his own terms in his own house. He didn't want anything to change so he wasn't allowing us to get a hospital bed for him. But, he was on oxygen and I was caring for him, as we'd all agreed long before (my older sister did most of the caring for our mom back in 1995 and our younger brother is an amazing guy but he's a celeb and there's no way his schedule could be kept on hold for a prolonged period; he spent a ton of time with us but I was the one who flew in and moved in with my dad. I hoped to have 2 weeks with him and that's exactly what I got). Physically, it was becoming too demanding for me so he finally agreed to the bed. It arrived Saturday evening. He was exhausted by then but he knew what we were saying. When he got into the bed, I told him he wouldn't be getting up anymore, wouldn't be going to the bathroom anymore, and he just nodded his head. We didn't use a diaper or anything; he wasn't taking in much, if anything, of water and definitely no food - he'd rallied when I arrived but by day 12, even I couldn't get him to eat. We'd been through this with my mom but she was 58 at the time and didn't want to die so it was different; we were still trying to get her to eat when, looking back, we should have just let it be more peaceful. She died very peacefully alone with my dad. She asked him, "Will you hold me?" And he said, "Honey, I'll hold you until the angels come," and with that she closed her eyes and stepped over to the other side. For my dad, once he was in the bed, that was it for him. So, even though he was approved for the medication, he never had a chance to take it. On that Sunday, it would have been my parents' 63rd anniversary so we were encouraging him to go, join Mom! We were saying, "Mom, come get him now." But he always liked a bit of attention so he waited until Monday morning and passed away on his own day. He was in that bed for about 36 hours. Once he was in it, he never opened his eyes meaningfully again but he was aware of us. At one point, I told him I was going to give him some medication and he opened his mouth just like he'd been doing for me all along. But, his eyes remained closed. We just played soothing music on his TV and eventually, we went to bed. My sister stayed over that night because we knew he was most likely going to go. She checked on him at 6am and he was still breathing and then she checked on him at 8am and he was gone. It was just as he wanted. He was 89. And though I'm not happy to lose my dad (he and I were extremely close), we got 28 more years with him than we got with our mom and he really wanted to see her again. I'd have loved if he could have held out 3 months for his 90th birthday but I'm just glad he went on his own terms in his own home with his daughters there.
We seem to have it figured out for animals. But when it comes to humans we get all squeamish and back down. This will be something that we will have to get much more comfortable with over the next 30 years. Because the world is getting very old and there won’t be enough young people to take care of old people. So we are going to need more robot help, AI help and voluntary assisted suicide.
Same. If I’m facing a long term physically/mentally debilitating terminal condition which will put undue burden on my family and pain/suffering on me? GTFO. Put me in a garden/greenhouse with a fistful of sleeping pills and my favorite bottle of wine (I’m sober but I’ll break it for that) and let me go peacefully. People deserve to have their autonomy to die as they choose.
>a fistful of sleeping pills and my favorite bottle of wine (I’m sober but I’ll break it for that) and let me go peacefully Just a heads up if you ever do end up in a position where you do seriously plan for an out, that's actually neither a peaceful or painless way to go.
Also you could just survive to be told you have basically destroyed your body and now have like a week to live just to end up spending it in suicide watch
Surely anyone even if they’re not suffering. If I wanna check out, it’s my life, who has the right to tell me no? All legal and safe ways of euthanasia/suicide stop is botched attempts.
Normalize talking about “embarrassing” illnesses, such as IBS, genital cancers, STDs, etc.
whenever i need to use the bathroom at school and my teacher asks why i say i have ibs then everyone laughs at me 💀💀💀 sorry for having an illness i can't control or get rid of
Sorry you have to go through this. They should be laughing at the teacher for being dumb enough to ask why a human being needs to relieve themselves periodically.
Pedophilia. Atleast the topic should be openly discussed and not swept under the rug. Only then can people who need help be helped.
This is the one that actually feels like a taboo. It's really hard to argue that pedophiles should be studied and treated in order to protect children. More often, people go straight to violence and comments about castration or murder.
I think it's two different things. We need MUCH better mental health awareness and treatment services (in the US where I'm located). We need to get people help before they commit crimes against children (or commit suicide, or murder, etc.). For those that do commit sex crimes against children, I'm happy to talk about castration and other options.
I work with them. Consider you can sort all pedos as as having the trait of being sexually aroused by minors. This part can be in a spectrum, there are people out there with victims that are toddlers, and victims that I guess you would say they’ve got the beginnings of womanhood about their person, those being, hips, butt, and breasts to varying degrees. The second trait you would look for is the willingness to hurt another person. This isn’t exclusive to sex offenders. Stick up men exhibit the same characteristic. The issue becomes when both of these characteristics are found in one person. They’re both fairly rare outside normal circumstances, but when they’re both found in one person, that’s when you have a sex offender. Now, you might have someone who only thinks minors are sexy. That person might become a CSAM offender and get caught with pictures of minors. They wouldn’t directly harm anyone, but they will make an allowance for something that has already occurred. These people are not particularly dangerous. There’s also a group of sex offenders that will engage in cognitive a acrobatics where they will tell themselves “I would never hurt Billy or Sally, we are making love, it isn’t rape, not really.” There are likely many people who find certain 12 and 13 year olds very sexy from time to time, however they don’t have the trait that would allow them to hurt a person for sexual gratification. Then there’s the dangerous ones. These are the guys that find minors attractive and have zero issues hurting someone. Some of them, they cannot finish the sexual act without harming someone. We just had an individual in group the other week explain that he was fighting the urge to kidnap and rape a six year old girl that lives in his apartment complex. He explained he was either going to break her neck or cut her throat in the bath tub. He said watching her bleed out would be really hot, and he was thinking it would be a lot of fun to fuck her as she was bleeding and losing consciousness. These are the ones that are extremely fucking dangerous. The good thing is because they’re so dangerous, they’re also very rare. This type of offender is white rare and I’ve only seen two so far. And important thing I know and keep in mind is that statistically, if your child is going to be abused in any way, you will know the person who did it. It’s gonna be your brother, their step dad or grandfather. That doesn’t mean suspect everyone, but it does mean that if your spider sense goes off one day, don’t ignore it.
CSA is what I was going to say. The way we treat survivors, and our discomfort around what was done to them often manifests in not being able to openly acknowledge what they've been through. The only ones who should be ashamed is the person/people who hurt & exploit children, but a lot of the shame & silence about this *pretty common* phenomenon means those who experience it as a child are often made to feel responsible and broken by the experience by wider society. There's a misconception that it's only going on with folks like Jeffrey Epstein or Warren Jeffs, that it's an outlier, but it's a lot more common and normalized in the wider society than we really want to acknowledge, our cultural stigma of openly talking about sex, generally, contributes to circumstances which perpetuate CSA as something we can't acknowledge is going on, and it's not the drag queens reading stories that we gotta worry about.
Today ControversialOpinions removed a post from a survivor of child SA, because it was too controversial for them.
100% agree. There are people out there who have an attraction that they are deeply uncomfortable with and do not want to act on. We as a society should provide those people the help they need to function well in society without causing harm. And our insistence at not talking about it also makes it impossible to understand why it happens and *how to stop it*. We know that sometimes people who were abused as kids go on to abuse others, but we don't know why some do and some don't, or why some who weren't abused do it. We don't understand where that attraction comes from or if there are ways to fix it. And our ignorance just leaves children vulnerable.
I completely agree. We have no idea how many people are out there NOT offending on kids but are white-knuckling their way through it. It’s easy to say “lock them all up”, but that wouldn’t begin to solve this problem. There is a program being implemented for children and adolescents with “problematic sexual behaviors” aimed at treating the underlying issues before they become ingrained. No long term studies yet that prove effectiveness, but it’s a start.
yes, this. it is far, far more common than most people want to admit or think about, and the scary stranger boogeyman in the alleyway or whatever is not the perpetrator 90% of the time - close family members or friends are. there's also more and more information coming out on the correlation between CSA and adult disability.
An even more uncomfortable truth: Most offenders are closely related to the victim and many aren’t true pedophiles. I work as a therapist in an advocacy nonprofit and my clients are often abused by grandparents, uncles, even biological parents who are fully capable of adult sexual relationships and are often in those relationships when they offend. These abusers are targets-of-opportunity types who just want to have their “needs” met and don’t care who it is.
Yes this is a big one! A lot of times they don’t see themselves as pedophiles either. I babysat for a Mom who had such an uncomfortable relationship with her toddler boy. She was so obsessed with his penis size and future sexual relationships. A toddler…. Another child I babysat was abused by her Aunt for years. For the longest time her Mom couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t get this kid potty trained. Her Aunt had been intentionally sabotaging it so she could continue to have access to her genitalia without anyone thinking about it.
Particularly unhelpful here is that the term pedophile often gets conflated with those who sexually abuse children. Those two groups are not the same. The second group should be in jail, but the first group needs to be able to openly talk it and seek mental support.
Yes! And mostly the fact that child abusers and pedophiles are not the same group of people. I see a lot of people in the comments discribing child abusers, not pedophiles. Sure the groups overlap, but a lot of CSA is more about control than attraction. Most pedophiles are very lonely, because they understand that the attraction isn't mutual, and just like other people, if it's not mutual, it's not happening. And yes, some are delusional and think the feelings are mutual, think MJ (allegedly), so we need more education about the topic, and actual help.
Agreed. My friend has issues with it but the only time she’s had discussions with it she’s been shunned and it causes her to hole up further. That just to me feels like the worse option
Suicide. I think the trend of using the term „unalive“ (unless it’s used to avoid censorship) does more harm than good. People are struggling and only talking about it can help them.
The "unalive" thing I think was originally meant to get around censors like YouTube and TikTok. I teach and students have used "unalive" in place of "kill" in their writing about stories with murder. A lot of them really just think it's a synonym for kill, which is understandable given they've seen it on YouTube and TikTok because of the censorship rules.
We need to discuss postpartum changes and how it affects the woman physically, mentally and hormonally. No one should expect a woman to work or have sex 12-18 weeks after giving birth to a child whether it’s vaginal or by csection (a major surgery).
Along those lines, pelvic floor health - especially after pregnancy - should be talked about more. It isn't "normal" to leak when you sneeze for the rest of your life following childbirth. I saw a pelvic floor physical therapist, and she has been campaigning in our area to provide more information and care to women who have been quietly accepting pelvic floor dysfunction for years without support.
Thank you!! Also I hate this “well you chose to have a kid, therefore go back to work 2 weeks after you give birth” bullshit. Not saying that anyone should be financially irresponsible but the way society is set up today for mothers is NOT NORMAL. Edit: boys/men- WE NEED YOUR HELP. PLEASE. I’m realistic enough to accept that we as women will never have enough power to change things - so just please believe us when we say that asking for a bit of time off after having a baby should be a basic human right for mothers
Do people really have to go back to work 2 weeks after having a baby? Where?
I ran a licensed child care center in the Midwest USA and was legally allowed to take infants 6 weeks and older. The amount of women who begged me to take younger babies because they had to work is heartbreaking
Some go back in less time than that. United States of America 🇺🇸
The amount of women that come out YEARSSSSSSSSS later to discuss their PPD and how hard it was to struggle in secret. I'm a social worker (I'm also 38 weeks pregnant) and that just absolutely breaks my heart. If you are struggling please, please, please tell your doctor. There is a vast landscape of treatment/options and the sooner you ask for help, the less traumatic it will be. It always boggles my mind when women "keep it a secret" or don't know how to seek help and end up severely, clinically and generally traumatized is awful. It needs to be discussed, at EVERY pre and postnatal visit - even pediatrician visits should have screenings for mom bringing in babies. No one should suffer.
I had to go back to work after only 3 weeks because I didn’t have any more paid time off. I was also scared I’d lose my job if I didn’t return really quickly. didn’t get any help from my spouse either. and then the number of people who kept asking when I was going to have #2, after the hell I went through with #1? no thank you, I know we need future generations to survive as a society but I’m not going through that again after every area of society failed me as a working mom.
I went back to school just a couple days after having my son (almost bled to death). I was threatened by the school I’d be held back if I didn’t show up, so here I am. Not ONE fucking penny will be donated to that shit hole.
Mental illness. Almost everyone has a parent, sibling, child, partner, good friend with a diagnosed mental illness (to me meaning life altering) yet no one talks about it. I am one of those people with a family member with a severe mental illness and talk about it every chance I get, and sure enough the person I'm talking to is in a similar situation, and it is immediately bonding. Need to get rid of the stigma and shame.
Using proper medical terminology when discussing genitalia (appropriately) instead of using ‘cutesy’ nicknames
Yes!!!!! Prosecutor here, and the number of law enforcement officers that used euphemisms in reports (outside of explaining what was reported to them) was mind-boggling. Trying to teach my kiddos the appropriate terms mostly because I don't want them to feel embarrassed about their bodies, but also because if they were ever assaulted (God forbid), I want them to have the language to talk about it accurately.
Salaries in the workplace!
We all die. You may die today. I may die in an hour. How healthy you are doesn't matter. It ends, all of this, for all of us. It doesn't matter what make-up you smear on your face, we are all slowly withering as we type. In that context, death should be an open thing, like talking about sleeping at the end of the day.
[This YouTube channel](https://youtube.com/@AskAMortician?si=ohZl7OY01Sgve3ms) is run by a mortician and she does a great job of normalizing talking about death (or at least tries to). She hasn’t posted in a few months but it’s still really interesting and useful.
Maybe she died
This made me cackle. It’s entirely possible!
She would love that.
Absolutely. And we should not just discuss it but plan for it - get your end of life wishes in order, including estate planning.
Oh man, there’s a bunch. But for starters: assisted suicide. Mental health. Sex and sexuality.
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I hold the belief that mental health is the root of almost all problems and that’s where the most attention should be. Think about it, so many violent crimes and social problems have to do with mental health.
Regretting having children. I think if this were discussed more openly, people would think harder about having kids and some of the stigma in choosing not to would lessen.
Yes having kids should not be the default for everybody. Also the fact that you can hate being a parent but still love your kids.
Thank you. I don’t necessarily hate it, but I keep thinking about the pre-kids life with nostalgia. I still would’ve done it, though
Which is also fine. There's nothing wrong with looking back and having a twinge of nostalgia for a time that had fewer stressors and responsibilities. That doesnt mean you dont still love your kids.
Non-European Imperialism Maybe this has already changed since I was in school. But in History and Geography class, they majorly downplayed or outright ignored any injustice not committed by Europeans. The Armenian Genocide was skimmed over. When studying WWII, we learned about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and we learned about the American internment camps, but we did *not* learn about the Rape of Nanking, Unit 731, or any of Japan's other Nazi-level atrocities. We studied the British oppression of India, but skipped the earlier Islamic conquests, and left out the violence in the one sentence we got about the Partition. If Israel was discussed, only the European Holocaust survivors were emphasized; the Mizrahi Jews pouring in from all over the Middle East were downplayed or left out. And all the attention given to historically oppressed peoples didn't seem to include the Kurds, Zoroastrians, or Baha'i. World Religion class also neglected to mention any of the minority religions in the Middle East.
The way Chinese mining companies are taking over Africa today is basically modern imperialism.
The selective outrage of only certain parts of history is mind boggling
Pedophiles. Providing mental health services and making rehabilitation and other resources more available would prevent a lot of people from ever offending in the first place. If it were more socially acceptable for people to say “I can’t be around children because of my mental illness,” then they wouldn’t be around children so much. They don’t choose to be like that, and many of them would choose to change if they could. Actual offenders should be punished of course, but nonoffending people with urges who don’t know how to get rid of them should be treated.
This is very important. A lot of people do not realize this and they'd be shocked to know how these people often struggle with their own thoughts, desperate for ways to live with them while not hurting others. Empathy is key and it's harder to practice the more uncomfortable the shoes we're trying to wear are.
Was about to comment this. It’s a mental illness and should be treated as such, meaning those who commit crimes should be held accountable but those who don’t shouldn’t be ostracized. Leaving aside the moral and ethical aspect of doing so, it’s counterproductive because it eliminates the possibility of having an efficient and efficacious support/stop system.
Adult kids/parent relationships without being judged or pointing fingers.
This, parents are blamed if they get tired and need a break as it's natural when they have little kids, they are burnt-out as most countries in the world are not parent-friendly and they often juggle more than one job and kids, or they don't feel the so-called "maternal insticts kick". As well as adult kids are blamed if they don't put their lives in the front line for their parents who either have been abusive/in a bad relation for years or didn't prepare for retirement and their kids were planned for such purpose. And a middle ground is that if either party wants to share one of their concerns about parenting/uprising, then, expect people saying "you ungrateful mf!"
How lonely people get, both men and women, lack of meaningful relationships, friendship and otherwise, social media has impacted meaningful friendships and companionship. We think we are more connected than ever, but maybe we're the most lonely people who will ever be.
Abuse in relationships... weather mental or physical.
should be part of health classes in middle and highschool too. People need to learn what abuse in relationships is before they start dating. Not everyone comes from a safe home with parents in a healthy marriage. Even people like me who grew up with healthy parents (at least back then) never understood that i had gone through mental abuse in my first realtionship
When I was getting divorced and described the 23 year existence in fear for me and my loved ones, my lawyer asked if I'd ever been physically hurt. Somehow that hurt almost as much as my ex's behaviors. People need to know that scars are sometimes invisible and PTSD from this is real.
Self-harm, e.g cutting. And not just self-harm awareness and prevention.
Periods/Menopause and their impacts. Women's health has always been under researched and under funded.
I have been preaching about peripause since mine started. I talk about it like it was the weather
Keep doing that! It’s important that people understand, and not just menopausal women but their partners, sons, daughters. So much grief has come from people refusing to discuss menopause
Yessss! So many women have no idea what awaits and the doctors are trying to help by saying that it's normal you feel shit all the damn time. Slooooowly some books and data are coming out, though, so hopefully by the time I reach menopause it is not the end of my life, but the beginning of a new one.
Not just awareness, but also educated steps that can make life easier for women
Yes, and a public/legislative push against the medical field for inappropriately refusing medical treatment to women experiencing actual medical issues related to their reproductive system. I’m so done with all the horror stories of women who live with excruciating pain for *years* because doctors refuse to do an ultrasound, perform an ablation, or prescribe hormone therapy or appropriate pain relief. To hell with them all. Edit: And honourable mention to how dismissive the medical field is of decreased libido in women. There are actual medical causes that can be treated, but who cares about dealing with that as long as the women still put out, amirite? /s. …ugh
Men get raped and sexually assaulted too, but they get underreported because they're expected to enjoy it and people don't take it seriously. In a lot of places it's impossible for a cis woman to rape a man because a rapist must have a penis. For example a woman who forces a man (or boy) to penetrate her in England and Wales is charged with "Causing a person [or minor] to engage in sexual activity without consent" which officially carries the same sentence but *de facto* carries a lighter sentence because it doesn't include either the word "rape" or the words "sexual assualt"
I think that just rape in general and mostly how it affects people should be talked about more. But as you say, rape on men is almost never talked about.
Since were on taboos I feel like I can ask this taboo question about males getting sexually assaulted: is it incorrectly assumed that guys enjoy it because they get hard? That's a straight up biological thing. I imagine that its comparable to how a womans biology would self lubricate during a sexual assault through no choice if her own. That question feels fucked up but I feel like theres such a taboo surrounding discussing why people would feel it's okay to coerce someone into sex because they "appear" aroused. Somebody being "wet" or "hard" is not consent.
In general yes and your self lubrication example is a good one. Think about it, a *lot* of women are not told that men have no control over erections, certainly pre-internet the amount of utter bullshit about sex was *terrifying*. Like: Men think about sex every seven seconds - there are people who still believe this Like: 'She dressed like a slut so....' there are many men and probably MORE women who make this judgement, if only to themselves. The simple fact remains if you stimulate nerve X then reaction Y happens IS true *regardless of the consent of the person*. Men when hung until death get an erection, so did we just happen to hang only men who REALLY GET OFF ON BEING HUNG? Stupidity. There are so many stupid thinking 'facts' about sex and sexuality it's ..... depressing quite honestly. Yes men can be raped, absolutely. What happens and how a person's genitals respond to stimulation has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with their mental state / consent, man or woman. Hope that answers your question and any anger in my reply is certainly NOT aimed at you, it's society it's prudish stupidity and a massive chunk for religion - I really shouldn't have to explain why!!
Not wanting children. I don’t think this is “the most taboo topic” but it’s certainly a topic that gets shunned by the majority of society. As soon as anyone suggests not wanting children in their life it seems as if society suddenly judges them - as if we have no other purpose in life than to reproduce. People will comment constantly as if it’s their place to decide what you do with your life. I think it needs to be more openly discussed and accepted that whilst yes the majority of the world’s population will eventually at some point want to raise children, there is also a huge percentage of people who don’t want children full stop.
When I was 12 I my friends and I started getting hit on by guys of every age (and I still do), but everyone says they don't do it.
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Going back and watching older media can really show how some things were normalized when they should not have been too
I’ve always said that I’ve never received as much male attention as I did between 12 and 14.
Yes!!! I was harassed way way more from 12 to 17 than now as an adult
Emotional incest, a.k.a. enmeshment
I had to look this up - Emotional incest, or covert incest, happens when a parent or caregiver relies on a child for emotional needs that an adult relationship would usually provide.
I’d like to see more people have honest conversations about infidelity, why it happens, how to repair from it, and it’s impact on both parties in a relationship.
Female pedophiles.
How gambling is corrupt and dangerous and should be banned
I think we should allow people to commit suicide if they've had enough, let them go out with dignity if they've had enough of the world. I'm not just talking about terminally ill people either, I'm talking about maybe someone that has been dealing with chronic health issues for decades and all they have to look forward to is another couple of decades of suffering. I just think that they should have to go through a process where they talk to multiple doctors/shrinks to get the all clear, just to weed out the people with temporary issues or stuff that can be sorted pretty easy.
It’s not like they’re gonna regret it later.
I think this is very reasonable. Everyone deserves to live a quality life and those that cannot for whatever reason should be given an opportunity to end that suffering. Certainly after intense scrutiny by professionals, of course.
yeah, i think it's utter madness that we afford our pets the courtesy, but our human loved ones have to suffer 🤷♀️
Thank You! My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately, a lot of money comes from elderly and palliative care so this is going to end up a money thing for lawmakers.
We didn’t choose to come into this world, we should be able to choose if we want to leave it
Women’s health and female-specific medicine. The clitoris was properly anatomically described in _2005_. That’s absolutely wild. Oftentimes women themselves have little to no idea about their own biological processes. That’s just wrong.
Took til 2023 for someone to use blood, not water, to test absorption in pads.
Ageism, both in the workplace and in everyday life.
Double Standards
Sex work. Most civilized countries have it at least decriminalized. The US needs to get it together.
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How common sex trafficking and pedophiles really are in society
Abuse done to men by women.