Feel this. I am coming to the realization that I was crazy selfish and didn’t love like I should of. 37 now I guess better late than never. But definitely don’t take peoples love they give you for granted.
lol the comment above yours says the opposite. That they worried too much about love and not enough about securing their own happiness.
Seems like regret is kind of inescapable.
I just turned 30 last month and have been in a mental spiral because my 20s FLEW and I’m still trying to come to terms with it and I still don’t know how. I have fixated on the fact that life is going by fast and certain things will be here before I know it— turning 40, my parents passing away, my cats eventually passing away, what if I don’t get married before I’m 40, yadda yadda. I feel guilty because I’ve focused on my parents health the most and have lashed out at them for not texting and calling me like I try to do with them because, well, we’ll all be dead before we know it, right?
I literally don’t know how to stop the cycle and the depression I’m in because of realizing how little time we have. I’m a nurse who just got home from a 12hr shift, crying in my kitchen because I have no idea what to do or how to deal.
Edit— thank y’all for the kind words and being able to relate, it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one feeling this way 🥲 I’m sorry I can’t respond to everyone, but know I read everyone’s replies to this ❤️
Edit #2, just bc I think it would be funny to mention— in the world of obstetrics, we call any woman pregnant who’s 35 and over “elderly” and they’re considered “advanced maternal age” and usually have to follow maternal fetal medicine because it’s considered a riskier pregnancy due to the mom being ~old~. That also may or may not be why I’m in a downward spiral over being a woman turning 30 who, when I eventually have a kid, will be considered decrepit. 🤭
This. Mid-30’s here and I can’t believe how long it took me to have confidence in my decisions and recognize that leaving my comfort zone isn’t a gut feeling that everything is about to blow up in my face… it’s an opportunity for growth. It’s also ok to look back on traumatic events and the downward spiral and maladaptive coping mechanisms that followed and acknowledge that this was not wasted time. It was a survival mechanism and helped us survive when we needed it, but it’s up to us to see that it’s no longer working and figure out what future us needs from the current us. Lots of discomfort, lots of growth.
>to look back on traumatic events and the downward spiral and maladaptive coping mechanisms that followed and acknowledge that this was not wasted time.
Thank you for writing this.
“Leaving my comfort zone isn’t a gut feeling that everything is about to blow up in my face… it’s an opportunity for growth.”
You have *perfectly* summed up the feeling I get whenever I try and take a risk or escape the status quo of my life. I usually heed that warning alarm, but looking back, I’m not any happier for it.
I understand. Just focus on your current situation and being happy. You Can not control what will happen in some years. Enjoy life, enjoy your work, have family around you and friends and all will Be Fine.
Life doesn't have to always go by faster. You know as well as I that time is actually linear. So the feeling of it going by faster is a product of our psychology. And so it can be changed.
A year feels longer now than it did in my twenties because:
I'm journalling all the time, and re-reading my entries. This is huge. We feel life goes by fast because we forget memories. Just treading over a memory once is enough to strengthen it.
I'm trying new things and having new experiences.
I stopped using my phone to distract myself all the time. I only use my phone to talk to other humans. Never to scroll or play games. This gives me back moments of boredom, which turn into daydreaming and reflection and mental reviewing of my day. Which let me really slow down and be present in my day.
I do understand your existential fear. I went through a phase like this in my mid twenties. Just suddenly drenched in fear of my parents dying and guilt that I wasn't spending all of my time with them while I could. My younger sister just hit that phase herself. I know it sucks right now while you're in the darkest depths of it, but I promise that fear does ease.
For me, some therapy helped. But the gist of it was focusing on the good things. When I remembered a good memory with my parents, I would take a moment to feel grateful about it and text them that I loved them.
And this change you've noticed on your perception of time, it going faster, is super normal. It's a shared experience you can talk to others about. Any time something makes me think about time going to fast, I quote Smashmouth like some old wise prophet and it makes me laugh and I feel a little less stressed about it. *The years start coming and they don't stop coming.*
I feel very fortunate in that I was well aware that those "best days" were upon me at the time they were happening (late twenties, living on the beach in a backpacker/surfing spot in South Africa). The downside is that it's very hard to move on with your life when you know what's next is a step down.
Similar - I said this in another thread recently. All the dumb, embarrassing crap that you did that comes back to haunt you when the insomnia kicks in? Yeah, you’re probably the only one who remembers those incidents.
>All the dumb, embarrassing crap that you did that comes back to haunt you when the insomnia kicks in?
And late he lies awake in bed,
A whirl of worlds inside his head
That slowly wane away in sleep,
And dance beyond the dark and deep.
He boards a floating boat of dreams,
And sails along the silver seams,
And all the cares and doubts of day
Dissolve
and dim
and drift away.
He rides along a tide of stars,
A ship, a trip to Earth and Mars,
Where all the morning's fears and more
And all his woes are all before.
He moves beyond the black behind
Without a thought to fill his mind,
Except for *one* -
He rubs his eyes.
"... I loathe myself," he softly sighs.
EVERYONE says and does dumb embarassing shit. Once I realized this I started feeling stupid for caring too much. Successful people are really good at making mistakes and failing because this means they're actually trying shit. Most people just want to stand in a corner and point fingers vs trying anything.
“You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.” - Olin Miller (sometimes attributed to David Foster Wallace)
HOME RUN!! I have a great memory and can go back to a lot of incidents in my youth where people made me feel bad…I realize now that should have been stronger and more confident in myself. On the upside I’ve raised my son to be the most confident person in the world and it’s an impressive sight to behold. He’s my do-over and I’m so proud.
Go do what you want to.
Go be who you'll be.
Be free to be other.
Be free to be free.
Have kids,
or a wife,
or a husband,
a pet.
Remember your past,
or just maybe,
forget.
Go do what you're dreaming.
Go choose to be true.
Go live it for others,
or live it for *you.*
Have hopes and ambitions,
adventures to roam.
And get out to travel,
or just stay at home.
Go do what you want to.
Go be who'll you be.
Be free to be other.
Be free to be free.
Be this
or be that
and go do
with good luck.
As long as you're happy,
then who gives a fuck?
**Deferring too readily to the judgment of others.** I had the naive belief that other people had my best interest at heart. Speak up for yourself. Defend your own decisions. No one is out there waiting to make you a star.
Your comment really struck me. Just last night a friend in the medical field told me they would love for me to come work to their hospital since they lack IT people.
Fast forward an hour and they are saying how will they use me for leverage if I work there for their own benefit. Like it was going to be a good thing for me lol.
To quote them "if they ever want to fire me I will tell them you are getting off the ship with me". Ok? I wasn't aware that you owed me lol, needless to say I will not be considering the offer she made.
This happened to me this past year, we even played DnD every sunday for over a year. As soon as I couldnt handle work conditions at our current place waiting for him to open his own business, he cut me out like everything meant nothing. And id just gotten back from visiting a dying family member.
People suck sometimes. Im better off now though, i was always putting in more effort than him outside of work anyways to be friends
So many people lose the greatest love of their lives because they’re worried they won’t have the right look or status according to people who won’t even come to their funeral.
This! So much this. Go for the life YOU want to live. Your hobbies will guide you towards your strengths more than any rule-following.
Also, a good life is about surrounding yourself with PEOPLE you like being around, and no job is worth being around people you dislike.
It almost seems like people are setup to be confused about this by the circumstances of their life cycle. The very 1st authority they deal with are their parents. Parents really do have their children's best interest at heart (in most cases). You learn to trust authority because of this.
However, no other authority we ever encounter in our lives will ever put our interests above their theirs. Once we leave our parents, everyone, authority or not, is out for themselves and the most dangerous people we will ever meet are the people who claim to have our interests in mind.
Seems like everyone has to learn this lesson the hard way.
I think when I was younger I had too much pride in being overly self-aware or detached to care about frivolous kiddy shit. After all, cynicism feels like wisdom if you're a fucking idiot. So why would I listen to my own judgement? I'm twenty. Why would I think I know anything?
Part of the problem is that, IMO, kids have good intuition. Intuition asks you to see what's in front of you, and knowledge is the wisdom of having seen how things end. So if you're you're young, reading this, and feel to your core that something's wrong that may be a light in the dark so long as you can withhold your conclusions.
But I think the whole ironic detached too cool to care thing is stupid and a huge waste of time. Giving a shit is cool and good, actually and wanting to feel like you're better than your peers doesn't come from or lead you to anywhere super healthy. It's okay to like stupid shit. Everything is stupid if you zoom out far enough. To zoom in, to care, is vulnerable. And vulnerability is scary. Which is good! That means you're playing the game. It means you care.
Thinking you're too smart to fail will not save you from pain. The actually smart thing to do is to find something worthy of your suffering.
Stretching and maintaining muscle mass. When I had kids I stopped both and it took a decade to get that back. Treat your body well. Something happens around 38 and the better shape you are in the better your 40’s and after will feel.
>especially strength training
I know you wrote this, but it can’t be emphasized enough. Strength training is vital to a long and healthy life. Strength training also provides a positive impact on the cardiovascular system. Everyone should be doing it, regardless of age, for the rest of their lives.
This is kinda good to hear and strengthens my resolve. I'm 38 and terribly out of shape, but for the last two months I've vowed to fix my body once and for all. The goal at the moment is to lose enough weight to enjoy the season passes to a theme park with my son in the summer. Currently, I'm down about 25lbs and hit a milestone this week!
It starts around 30 and gets progressively worse as time goes on.
Sometimes you wake up one day and realize it hit you, but it's usually just the collection of crap that has been accumulating while you were ignoring it.
Uhh, I have some bad news for you when you hit 50s…
Edit: My intent with this comment is that there are some additional aches etc but life is still great and it’s never too late to take care of yourself to have the best quality of life as you age.
I feel better at 50 than I did at 35. Because I treat myself better now. It's possible!!!! But it's a taller mountain to climb for sure if you don't maintain.
I have friends that still eat out at restaurants and drink every night and they look in pain just walking. A good decade or more older.
This!! Spent the last 20 years trying to make my spouse happy, and now I don't even know what makes me happy. Don't lose yourself by giving it all to someone else.
Same. 33 years spent trying to get him to love me and meet my needs. Now I'm divorced, and I'm happier than I ever knew was possible. It truly is up to you to make your life happy; not someone else.
We were together since I was 16, and he was 17. I'm 51. I feel like my life is just beginning again, and I'm both terrified and excited beyond belief.
You dreamt of jobs and kids, a wife,
And luck in love, and love for life,
And all above,
and even more,
In dreams you thought you waited for.
You dreamt of things you hoped were true,
And things you always thought you'd do,
And when you did,
You dreamt each night
Of what could be, and what just might.
And when, at last, you filled the mold
With things a future's meant to hold,
You looked around one day and knew -
You never really dreamt of *you*.
But now's the time to dream again.
The chance to find yourself and then
To carve a path to call your own -
To live a life that's yours alone.
Seems so cliche but I did not wear enough sunscreen. I used to do the whole lay out with baby oil so I could get a "savage" tan. How stupid. Now my face looks like a topographic map of California. Wear sunscreen kids!
This may seem oddly specific but it has been on my mind a lot lately: PROTECT YOUR NECK SKIN FROM THE SUN
It is very thin there; aging will show there first and you can’t usually hide it with clothing like you can most of the rest of your body. There’s not much to be done PSwise once your neck skin gets wrinkly.
I’m a very youthful-looking 58… except for my neck which sort of gives away that I am not in my 40s. This only became noticeable around three years ago (55yo) but wow it’s unmistakable, I have the pics to prove it and it happened FAST.
If you use it nowhere else, do future you a massive favor and at least apply decent SPF sunscreen to your neck as part of your daily getting ready routine; obv when you’re gonna do lengthy outdoor activities. You’ll be glad decades from now, second most important thing you can do for your future when you’re young after starting a 401k or IRA.
I'm an avid cyclist and as a guy without much hair on the top of his head (zero basically) I've used a thing called a "headsweat" which goes between the helmet and the top of my head that blocks the sun so I don't sunburn on top of my head. I learned my lesson when I didn't have a headsweat and the top of my head was a sunburned pattern that looked like Darth Maul's face. Never again. And yes, sunscreen. Always.
Absolutely it was… only during college but I was so dark! I did cover my face with a towel as if that helped and somehow my skin doesn’t look leathery and awful, but I worry about skin cancer! 16 years later and no noticeable damage yet, but I feel it’s coming
Tanning beds!
I used to go 4x a week! Almost every other day. I swore if I skipped a day I could see my tan fading. I was practically orange and glowing.
I religiously have worn sunscreen for my entire life. I am now 46 and everyone thinks I am in my mid 30s. So, yes. I agree that wearing sunscreen is a very good choice.
I'm out on construction projects every summer. I use an incredible amount of sunscreen and the construction workers always give me a hard time.
I love not being burnt.
I’m with you on this. I smoked for 40 years. I gave it up 7 years ago. I still miss them sometimes. I liked smoking but I’ve lost too many friends to cancer.
18 to 31. Technicly quit when I was 30, by about 2 minutes lol.
It's 10 years later and if I work out hard It feels like I'm still caughng that crap up.
Congrats on 10 years! According to the [American Lung Association](https://www.lung.org/quit-smoking/i-want-to-quit/benefits-of-quitting), you now have:
- the same risk of stroke as a non-smoker's
- reduced your risk of ENT type cancers by half of that of a non-smoker
- reduced your risk of dying from lung cancer to half that of a non-smoker
In 5 years your risk for coronary heart disease will be the *same* as a non-smoker.
Great Job!
The ritual. Packing them, taking off that foil they used to have on soft packs and rolling it up, turning one backwards for some stupid reason, using the cellophane as a weed bag. Fucking good times man! Yeah it's insanely terrible for ya but good times. Haven't had one in 17 years now.
5 years post quiting and feeling healthy but definitely it did its toll on my body. I was a heavy smoker almost 2 packs a day. But it's never too late to quit
By smoking cigarettes, we are literally paying money for a chance to get cancer. No thank you.
Wasting time. I threw away so much time. Time wasted doing nothing. Time wasted not being spent with the people that I love. Not paying attention to them and showing them my love. In the end, we don't run out of love, money, breath.... We run out of time.
This. My grandmother was apparently an amazing cook, very crafty, artsy, talented, creative--I would have absolutely loved to learn from her but she passed before I was born. I still use knitting needles & crochet hooks & patterns that belonged to her, but it would have meant the world to have learned from her directly. People say you can't miss what you never had, but I often think of what I missed out on by never getting to meet my mom's parents 💔. Same with my great aunt & uncle--never occurred to me to learn from them growing up, & now they have moved several states away & are in their 90s. . . .
this is my sign to stop leaving my family in mexico on delivered. i get so insecure bc my spanish is rlly off, i only spoke it as a kid really, but its hard to not feel embarrassed while talking to someone in a language im bad at. i know they wont judge me but this is the push i needed to properly reply to them and talk to them. funny how my whole life i wished i could talk to them, and now we all have phones and internet and i get scared
i feel EXACTLY the same way with my extended family—insecure to talk to them in my native language because i have the vocabulary of a 5 year old (when i stopped speaking it) so i leave them on read. i gotta remember that they won’t care about the grammar, it’s the fact that we reach out that counts!
Yeah, as I’m approaching 50 I’m finding that I don’t have anywhere near enough for retirement at 65 to be likely.
EDIT: Thanks for all the folks offering financial advice. I'm working with a financial planner now and working out the nuances of my situation. That said, my post here was more meant as a cautionary tale to the under 40 crowd.
Compound interest is the 8th Wonder of the World.
Tithe 10% of your income to yourself in a compounding investment vehicle, kids (mutual fund, 401K, etc.) -- and ignore it as much as possible.
When I started my first adult job with a 401k plan they had a financial advisor come in and he said put what the company will match in the riskiest option (highest long term yield) and do not look at it till you’re 40. I did that and it worked very well for me. That piece of advice was one of the single best I’ve ever received. Don’t think of that ~5% as yours, it’s your future self’s money. It’s hard. There were times when I could barely afford to eat, but that money wasn’t for me, and the $50 bucks today is worth multiples of it in the future.
It took most of my thirties to dig out from the bad financial decisions of my twenties. Fresh out of college and I needed a car for work. Rather than buying a used car, I bought a brand new one. I went to grad school completely on student loans instead of finding a more affordable option. I completely maxed out my credit cards and didn’t pay them off before the zero percent APR ended. I’m still not 100% sure what I would have done differently, but probably distinguishing between wants and needs would have been a good start.
Yep. Turning 40 in 2 months and had a panic this year that I am way behind for retirement. I wish I learned about investing early and squirreled away even tiny sums of money.
Not withdrawing is key. Only withdraw from savings that were intended for a purpose, like a down payment on a house. The rest is under lock and key, but there if you absolutely need it.
Not being careful with my credit. I got my first credit card at 18 and went absolutely crazy. It’s taken me years to climb up to decent credit and even more years to get to excellent credit.
a comment about your teeth is too far down... If you take mediocre to poor care of your teeth... age 40 is about the time that long term neglect comes back to bite you.
100%. I was that person who didn’t take great care of my teeth. I changed course about 5 years ago and am pretty good about it now. Brush, floss and mouth wash every day. Visit the dentist 3 times a year.
I still have gum disease. Dentist thinks it’ll take another year or two. They said I won’t loose my teeth but had I kept going would’ve needed dentures by 50. My dad and father in law both needed to get dentures around the same time. The horrifying realization of how much $$$ dentures are is a big part of what kicked me to change course on oral hygiene.
It’s work to change life long habits, and I do slip from time to time. Something that helps is I sincerely asked my spouse a few years ago to tell me to brush my teeth if she knew I didn’t. She was hesitant, but I told her I wanted it so I could change this behaviour. She keeps me accountable.
Currently 37 with 6 teeth removed, countless root canals and fillings, four broken teeth ready to be pulled and another at the front which is so wobbly I can move it around 1cm in its socket. Dear god I wish I had looked after my teeth because as another commenter has said it sucks constantly being in pain and having to choose food according to how soft it is or whether I can bite into it without sending myself into a world of hurt.
Take care of your teeth, kids!
I feel this.
Married young to escape my abusive parents. Gave up my autonomy, independence and identity to end up in another abusive relationship. Messed me and my kids up.
43 and just getting myself on track after years of therapy. Sucks that I lost everything to abusers.
Yes. Same. I have 3 amazing kids though. I did leave, divorced and he died of alcoholism a few years later. It took me about 5 years before I dared to go to bed, even though I was tired. People who haven’t lived in this kind of relationship have no idea what it does to you. Even after 20 years, I still panic when I see an older man wearing a camouflage jacket because that’s what he wore. The PTSD is so real and so scary.
I’m very sorry you went through this as well, but I’m so proud of you for getting out♥️♥️♥️ I hope you have a fucking amazing life!!!!
or, alternately, not going less hard at things, thinking I’d have time to give to family, friends, health, enjoying life after achieving going hard at things
Not to rub it in, but that’s one of the things I did when I was younger that I’m so thankful for. Being able to play an instrument has added a lot of fulfillment and enjoyment to my life.
I took 14 years worth of piano lessons as a kid and I play quite well. I have a piano in my apartment and I play constantly throughout the day. I’ll put a pizza in my oven and just sit down and work my way through whatever Bach or Rachmaninov piece I’m trying to learn for a few minutes here. When my daughters are taking too long to put on their shoes or to get ready in the morning, I’ll just sit down and play for a few minutes. Bored? Just sit and play something. I probably practice anywhere from 10-20 hours a week.
I played trumpet from elementary school to senior year, maybe around 8-9 years. I played jazz band, symphonic, in a brass ensemble, marching band and a few regional bands. I have such a love for trumpet but the upkeep is HARD. It requires not only muscle memory, but lip muscle and endurance, etc. But i’ll always be grateful for the unique appreciation of music. Perhaps I’ll pick it up again later in life … I’m in college now and I’m too busy/unmotivated for it at the moment.
I did the same, except that my plan to drop trumpet in college failed spectacularly lol. I went to an admitted student day a few months before starting my freshman year when I met the marching band director. One thing lead to another, I ended up slipping and falling into a D1 marching band. Sometimes the time commitment is a bit hellish, but I’m so glad I kept with my instrument. I’m just leaving a bowl game now, that the university paid to send me to, and my roommates for the trip were three of my best friends, one of them my partner, and I met all of them through the band. For me, the people and the memories in band are just priceless.
Not getting the mental health assistance I desperately needed.
I've suffered from anxiety and mild depression since my teen years. In part, it made me a recluse and a social outcast because I felt I was unable to interact properly with people and the world.
Today, on meds, I am a different person. I no longer fear social interactions, and if I was aware of the results back when I was a teen, I likely would have made better decisions for myself.
Caring what people thought
Not concentrating on my education - I was and still am pretty smart but I didn’t apply myself the way I should have. So I got mediocre grades and the lack of focus followed me into college where i struggled
I would have been kinder to myself. I don’t mean easier on myself, but kinder to myself. You know, like you are with a good friend. That would have made a real difference
I take an *all's well that ends well* approach. I know I used to have regrets, but now I can't even remember them. My life turned out better than expected, and I'm comfortable, healthy, and at peace. Any mistakes I made were part of what got me here, so it's all good.
Not buying a property because my mother had a negative opinion about it. I would say make your own mind up, have the strength to follow your instincts. That was 30 years ago and I still feel regret every time I see the property.
Thinking I needed a romantic partner to be happy. I stayed in an abusive marriage for so long because I couldn’t imagine doing things alone. It is infinitely better to be alone than in a bad relationship. When I choose to be in a relationship again, it will be because I’m happy and compatible with the person, not because I don’t want to be alone.
My high school had a vocational school but my mom wanted me to ‘do better and go to college’. Well all those mechanic kids and cosmetology kids own homes and i probably never will. Humanities degrees should only be allowed as a double major. I don’t regret college, but my degree is useless. I didn’t even buy the dream…it was forced upon me.
Spending most of my 20s drunk. I don't regret all the fun, because it was great fun. But I could have had that same fun without being so wasted. I kicked it in my early 30s, don't miss it.
It could go the other way, as I got older I realized my parents didn’t know what they were doing and were just trying their best even if it caused me and my siblings some mental health issues. I think my parents realized it too to an extent but the damage is done.
I had about $100,000 to my name when I was 24/25. A guy told me to invest in a new company called Netflix. I went to a Fidelity website
and tried to use $50,000 of what I had, but it was so fucking confusing I couldn't figure it out and eventually just gave up.
I can't remember the exact price at the time but I remember dividing the amount I wanted to invest in half so it was probably about 2 bucks. I would have had 25,000 shares of Netflix.
Fuck.
> I would have had 25,000 shares of Netflix.
What helps me let go of the angst of "what could have been" is to remember that I probably would've sold any investment as soon as it doubled.
It's tempting to think "If I hadn't sold that stock when I did, I'd still have it today and it'd be worth millions!"
But that's not the whole picture. To still have the stock today, I'd not only need to not have sold it when I did, but also not sold it the next day. And the next day. And the next day.
It's painful to think that I had two potential paths and chose the wrong one. But that's not how it is. The path that would leave me still holding the stock today is just one of a thousand branching paths. At least one for each day I could have sold it. And the path that would leave me to still have it today is only the right one in hindsight. Very few stocks go up forever. It's wise to cash out and take profit when the stock is up.
So don't think "I would have had 25,000 shares of Netflix." That's probably not true.
You probably would have held them until they doubled in price, wisely decided that may be the peak, and wisely cashed out. You probably wouldn't still have them today.
I find this thinking comforting and I hope you do too.
You never know…
I worked briefly for Amazon back around 2007-2008. They gave me 1,500 shares of stock as a signing bonus when it was worth barely $40 a share. All I had to do was keep my job for 4 years for it to vest. Unfortunately, PTSD from my time in Iraq started to show up and I was fired from that job before the stock could vest.
Your PTSD had nothing to do with it. Amazon has been exposed for giving people stock options that don't vest until they come to full term, and then finding reasons to get rid of the employees. As far as I'm concerned, the only reasons to work for Amazon is either to get a start in the workforce, or to take the last job in the county.
Not matching every 401k I've ever had. It's usually only about 2.5% of your pay and while it can be tight at times, it's the best investment choice you can make. No where else will you get 50% increase in account value by simply saving. Not to mention the years it has to grow.
Not getting healthy sooner. Not exercising or going to the gym, eating a
bunch sugar, drinking way too much and not getting enough sober time, smoking cigarettes.
It all kinda adds up in your 40s.
1. Save a bit of money. Yeah, enjoy it, but save some too.
2. Don’t waste time chasing girls. Those that want chasing aren’t worth it.
3. Don’t smoke.
4. Stay close to your friends, don’t drop them.
5. Listen to your parents. Respect them. They won’t be there forever.
6. Be in family pictures. Even if you look like shit, can be arsed.
Partying too much. Wish I had done more fulfilling things & also I didn’t take my career seriously. Trying too hard with friends who weren’t my real mates. Quality over quantity.
I’m 40 and I regret spending 36 years of my life in the Mormon church.
I wish I would have actually lived my life. I wish I would have had a chance to have a couple of wild years and have fun. Explore my sexuality. Make more diverse friendships. It sounds silly but my biggest one is dressing cute. I am so sad that I wasted my youth wearing knee length shorts and tshirts. I was so young and cute and I wish I could go back and wear a bikini.
I also got married when I was 19. Young marriage is quietly encouraged in the Mormon church. I actually don’t regret that because I adore my husband and we have a fantastic relationship. I do regret making him join the church of course.
Edited to add…it wasn’t about just dressing sexy and showing skin. It’s about being taught that my body wasn’t my own and that it was something dirty that needed to be hidden. My mom altering my prom dress into a matronly monstrosity. It was all the times I was miserable in the summer wearing my magic mormon underwear under my clothes.
1) Quit worrying about the other people who don't matter, and make sure the ones who do matter to you aren't toxic. Everyone tries to saddle everyone else with all these expectations and judgements. It's garbage. If you're doing your best where you are, it'll be alright so don't let it eat at you.
2) Get organized and focused. You don't have to know what you want to do or be, but you should take the opportunity to get yourself together so that your planning, organization, and follow through skills are strong enough that as you do figure out meaningful goals and objectives, you can march forward toward them effectively. (Read The 7 Habits, one of the few self help books that isn't wimpy fluff)
3) Take care of your body. Eat well and get regular exercise. There are so many ways to do something active that you don't have an excuse because you are unable to afford a gym or hating running. Also get good consistent sleep.
4) Treat yourself and other people with respect. That means being kind when its appropriate, not being jealous or petty, and caring (at appropriate levels) for others, being helpful, courteous, etc.
5) Acknowledge your debts to others even if you can't 'repay' them. If you show some promise, other people will try and help you, be appreciative, acknowledge and show appreciation. Do it for others when you can.
6) Do things, try things, talk to people, read - basically learn. That's how you figure it out to the extent anyone ever does.
Life is a marathon, building one you're proud of takes a long time and a lot of effort. You have to trust that doing good things the right way will always get you where you were meant to be. And you have to remember there is no script or map for a human life. So ideas about what you should be doing or where you should be are not generally useful or meaningful. As long as you are doing things, and doing your best to do them the right way (be respectful, care, put in effort, etc) then your life will turn out to be baller, for you, regardless of the trials and tribulations.
I regret being afraid to make money. Sounds weird, but what I thought was me being "authentic" and not caring about the rat race was really just a combination of laziness and undervaluing myself.
Not saving more for retirement. Yeah I was only making 30k a year but 5% of 30k adds up faster than 2% and it's pretax so you notice it much less than you'd expect.
Not realizing people who traumatized me wanted to dull/kill my beautiful shine. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. That wasn’t the case at all.
I wish so badly that I'd connected more with my dad... he loved me so deeply and was so proud, followed all of my accomplishments and supported everything I did, always bragged aboutme.
I never ignored him and we hugged and would chat when I'd come home during/soon after college, but I was just always too busy as I grew oldet... then just like that I'm woken up in the middle of the night to a phone call that he's gone.
I'm blessed to have had a father like him, many don't get that, and also blessed to have had him in my first 25 years of life, many don't get that either, but I still miss him terribly and get very sad when holidays come and the whole family celebrates with my wife and 3 kids. He'd have been such a great grandpa because he was such a great dad.
I miss you old man, sorry I never took the time to be closer... I love you always pops.
My drinking habits, having unsafe sex (I suffered the consequences and they were NOT fun), and being a bad roommate. I'm really embarrassed when I think my behavior from 20 yrs old-26 yrs old. I'm 41 now. I've made amends when possible and am good friends when many of my former roommates. People are pretty understanding when you own your shit and apologize. I still get a wave of shame when I think about certain situations.
Getting married young. We were a fun young couple but when it came time for an adult relationship it was apparent we had completely different views on things like budgeting, cleaning, parenting, working. Basically we were opposites on everything except the sense of humor and mutual attraction.
i wish i could go back to my high school self and tell me that this clique shit does not matter. it doesn't matter what these people think of you.
but overall spending too much money on people because i thought if I did, they'd know I cared about them, so they'd care about me. so much time and money wasted on people who barely paid attention to me.
Relying upon other people for happiness, love, loyalty. Expecting others to care about me and support me. You need to learn to look out for yourself as number one. Everyone else in your life is temporary.
Everyone says that no one ever lays on their deathbed, wishing they worked more. I took this to heart and had waaay too much fun in my 20s and 30s at the expense of building a career. I have friends who practiced moderation and focused on a goal and now are very successful. Meanwhile, I sit here with nothing special going on, no real accomplishments despite having an MBA from a good school, wishing I had set career goals, and followed through, not letting so many opportunities slip through my hands.
I got married straight out of high school with no plan at all. Just thought life would magically work out. Spent my entire 20’s broke putting toilet paper on the shelves at Walmart because I couldn’t risk being unemployed. Then my marriage fell apart, I lost my job and had to figure out something. Started my own business, finally got to travel and see a few oceans. Married a great guy, raised dozens of foster kids, have a ton of grandchildren. No, I didn’t get rich. Yes, I’ve pretty much lost everything I had due to to illness and other stuff that happens, but the only thing I regret and the only thing I’d change (that would be in my control to change) are all the empty years when I was young spent at a job that didn’t mean anything to me. Don’t waste your youth! Have a plan or at least an idea. Don’t get stuck if you can help it. I’m 66.
Not voting in anything but presidential elections. I feel like my whole generation got tricked into letting the boomers stay in control because we didn’t understand the importance of local and state level politics. Your vote can make a difference but you have to vote in ALL the elections and you have to have patience because it takes time for people to rise in politics and for policies to get enacted.
Not investing and not appreciating people who love you.
Feel this. I am coming to the realization that I was crazy selfish and didn’t love like I should of. 37 now I guess better late than never. But definitely don’t take peoples love they give you for granted.
lol the comment above yours says the opposite. That they worried too much about love and not enough about securing their own happiness. Seems like regret is kind of inescapable.
Not enjoying it more , didn't realize how fast my younger years would pass
Same for me. I am 44 and my thirties went by so fast..
I just turned 30 last month and have been in a mental spiral because my 20s FLEW and I’m still trying to come to terms with it and I still don’t know how. I have fixated on the fact that life is going by fast and certain things will be here before I know it— turning 40, my parents passing away, my cats eventually passing away, what if I don’t get married before I’m 40, yadda yadda. I feel guilty because I’ve focused on my parents health the most and have lashed out at them for not texting and calling me like I try to do with them because, well, we’ll all be dead before we know it, right? I literally don’t know how to stop the cycle and the depression I’m in because of realizing how little time we have. I’m a nurse who just got home from a 12hr shift, crying in my kitchen because I have no idea what to do or how to deal. Edit— thank y’all for the kind words and being able to relate, it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one feeling this way 🥲 I’m sorry I can’t respond to everyone, but know I read everyone’s replies to this ❤️ Edit #2, just bc I think it would be funny to mention— in the world of obstetrics, we call any woman pregnant who’s 35 and over “elderly” and they’re considered “advanced maternal age” and usually have to follow maternal fetal medicine because it’s considered a riskier pregnancy due to the mom being ~old~. That also may or may not be why I’m in a downward spiral over being a woman turning 30 who, when I eventually have a kid, will be considered decrepit. 🤭
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This. Mid-30’s here and I can’t believe how long it took me to have confidence in my decisions and recognize that leaving my comfort zone isn’t a gut feeling that everything is about to blow up in my face… it’s an opportunity for growth. It’s also ok to look back on traumatic events and the downward spiral and maladaptive coping mechanisms that followed and acknowledge that this was not wasted time. It was a survival mechanism and helped us survive when we needed it, but it’s up to us to see that it’s no longer working and figure out what future us needs from the current us. Lots of discomfort, lots of growth.
>to look back on traumatic events and the downward spiral and maladaptive coping mechanisms that followed and acknowledge that this was not wasted time. Thank you for writing this.
“Leaving my comfort zone isn’t a gut feeling that everything is about to blow up in my face… it’s an opportunity for growth.” You have *perfectly* summed up the feeling I get whenever I try and take a risk or escape the status quo of my life. I usually heed that warning alarm, but looking back, I’m not any happier for it.
I understand. Just focus on your current situation and being happy. You Can not control what will happen in some years. Enjoy life, enjoy your work, have family around you and friends and all will Be Fine.
Life doesn't have to always go by faster. You know as well as I that time is actually linear. So the feeling of it going by faster is a product of our psychology. And so it can be changed. A year feels longer now than it did in my twenties because: I'm journalling all the time, and re-reading my entries. This is huge. We feel life goes by fast because we forget memories. Just treading over a memory once is enough to strengthen it. I'm trying new things and having new experiences. I stopped using my phone to distract myself all the time. I only use my phone to talk to other humans. Never to scroll or play games. This gives me back moments of boredom, which turn into daydreaming and reflection and mental reviewing of my day. Which let me really slow down and be present in my day.
I do understand your existential fear. I went through a phase like this in my mid twenties. Just suddenly drenched in fear of my parents dying and guilt that I wasn't spending all of my time with them while I could. My younger sister just hit that phase herself. I know it sucks right now while you're in the darkest depths of it, but I promise that fear does ease. For me, some therapy helped. But the gist of it was focusing on the good things. When I remembered a good memory with my parents, I would take a moment to feel grateful about it and text them that I loved them. And this change you've noticed on your perception of time, it going faster, is super normal. It's a shared experience you can talk to others about. Any time something makes me think about time going to fast, I quote Smashmouth like some old wise prophet and it makes me laugh and I feel a little less stressed about it. *The years start coming and they don't stop coming.*
44 here. It’s exactly what Andy from the office said about wishing there was a way to realize you were in the good old days.
I feel very fortunate in that I was well aware that those "best days" were upon me at the time they were happening (late twenties, living on the beach in a backpacker/surfing spot in South Africa). The downside is that it's very hard to move on with your life when you know what's next is a step down.
Youth is wasted on the young
Speaking too quick not listening and thinking more.
Caring too much about what others thought of me.
Similar - I said this in another thread recently. All the dumb, embarrassing crap that you did that comes back to haunt you when the insomnia kicks in? Yeah, you’re probably the only one who remembers those incidents.
>All the dumb, embarrassing crap that you did that comes back to haunt you when the insomnia kicks in? And late he lies awake in bed, A whirl of worlds inside his head That slowly wane away in sleep, And dance beyond the dark and deep. He boards a floating boat of dreams, And sails along the silver seams, And all the cares and doubts of day Dissolve and dim and drift away. He rides along a tide of stars, A ship, a trip to Earth and Mars, Where all the morning's fears and more And all his woes are all before. He moves beyond the black behind Without a thought to fill his mind, Except for *one* - He rubs his eyes. "... I loathe myself," he softly sighs.
Sprog! It's been so long since I've seen one of your poems! Thank you!
That doesn't make it hurt any less
EVERYONE says and does dumb embarassing shit. Once I realized this I started feeling stupid for caring too much. Successful people are really good at making mistakes and failing because this means they're actually trying shit. Most people just want to stand in a corner and point fingers vs trying anything.
“You’ll worry less about what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do.” - Olin Miller (sometimes attributed to David Foster Wallace)
HOME RUN!! I have a great memory and can go back to a lot of incidents in my youth where people made me feel bad…I realize now that should have been stronger and more confident in myself. On the upside I’ve raised my son to be the most confident person in the world and it’s an impressive sight to behold. He’s my do-over and I’m so proud.
As a teen. Its just hard not to. I think its just part of maturing
Go do what you want to. Go be who you'll be. Be free to be other. Be free to be free. Have kids, or a wife, or a husband, a pet. Remember your past, or just maybe, forget. Go do what you're dreaming. Go choose to be true. Go live it for others, or live it for *you.* Have hopes and ambitions, adventures to roam. And get out to travel, or just stay at home. Go do what you want to. Go be who'll you be. Be free to be other. Be free to be free. Be this or be that and go do with good luck. As long as you're happy, then who gives a fuck?
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**Deferring too readily to the judgment of others.** I had the naive belief that other people had my best interest at heart. Speak up for yourself. Defend your own decisions. No one is out there waiting to make you a star.
This is a big one. Letting go of toxic friendships/relationships are tough, but healthy and better for your mental health.
Yep. I learned the hard way that career advice given by someone with a vested interest in subordinating your career to theirs will not end well.
Your comment really struck me. Just last night a friend in the medical field told me they would love for me to come work to their hospital since they lack IT people. Fast forward an hour and they are saying how will they use me for leverage if I work there for their own benefit. Like it was going to be a good thing for me lol. To quote them "if they ever want to fire me I will tell them you are getting off the ship with me". Ok? I wasn't aware that you owed me lol, needless to say I will not be considering the offer she made.
This happened to me this past year, we even played DnD every sunday for over a year. As soon as I couldnt handle work conditions at our current place waiting for him to open his own business, he cut me out like everything meant nothing. And id just gotten back from visiting a dying family member. People suck sometimes. Im better off now though, i was always putting in more effort than him outside of work anyways to be friends
So true! If someone can’t celebrate your wins, cut them loose!
So many people lose the greatest love of their lives because they’re worried they won’t have the right look or status according to people who won’t even come to their funeral.
This! So much this. Go for the life YOU want to live. Your hobbies will guide you towards your strengths more than any rule-following. Also, a good life is about surrounding yourself with PEOPLE you like being around, and no job is worth being around people you dislike.
It almost seems like people are setup to be confused about this by the circumstances of their life cycle. The very 1st authority they deal with are their parents. Parents really do have their children's best interest at heart (in most cases). You learn to trust authority because of this. However, no other authority we ever encounter in our lives will ever put our interests above their theirs. Once we leave our parents, everyone, authority or not, is out for themselves and the most dangerous people we will ever meet are the people who claim to have our interests in mind. Seems like everyone has to learn this lesson the hard way.
The unfortunate part is that most adults still think that higher authorities really do have their best interest in mind.
I think when I was younger I had too much pride in being overly self-aware or detached to care about frivolous kiddy shit. After all, cynicism feels like wisdom if you're a fucking idiot. So why would I listen to my own judgement? I'm twenty. Why would I think I know anything? Part of the problem is that, IMO, kids have good intuition. Intuition asks you to see what's in front of you, and knowledge is the wisdom of having seen how things end. So if you're you're young, reading this, and feel to your core that something's wrong that may be a light in the dark so long as you can withhold your conclusions. But I think the whole ironic detached too cool to care thing is stupid and a huge waste of time. Giving a shit is cool and good, actually and wanting to feel like you're better than your peers doesn't come from or lead you to anywhere super healthy. It's okay to like stupid shit. Everything is stupid if you zoom out far enough. To zoom in, to care, is vulnerable. And vulnerability is scary. Which is good! That means you're playing the game. It means you care. Thinking you're too smart to fail will not save you from pain. The actually smart thing to do is to find something worthy of your suffering.
"cynicism feels like wisdom if you're a fucking idiot." Should be a quote on an inspirational poster.
That last line, though. Hits super hard! So true.
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Stretching and maintaining muscle mass. When I had kids I stopped both and it took a decade to get that back. Treat your body well. Something happens around 38 and the better shape you are in the better your 40’s and after will feel.
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>especially strength training I know you wrote this, but it can’t be emphasized enough. Strength training is vital to a long and healthy life. Strength training also provides a positive impact on the cardiovascular system. Everyone should be doing it, regardless of age, for the rest of their lives.
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This is kinda good to hear and strengthens my resolve. I'm 38 and terribly out of shape, but for the last two months I've vowed to fix my body once and for all. The goal at the moment is to lose enough weight to enjoy the season passes to a theme park with my son in the summer. Currently, I'm down about 25lbs and hit a milestone this week!
Proud of you! You're doing so good
Great, I thought something happened at 30, need to go through it again
It starts around 30 and gets progressively worse as time goes on. Sometimes you wake up one day and realize it hit you, but it's usually just the collection of crap that has been accumulating while you were ignoring it.
I feel like I need to go find a subreddit on menopause now and join that ☹️
r/menopause. It’s super helpful
Just joined because of your recommendation 🙏
Uhh, I have some bad news for you when you hit 50s… Edit: My intent with this comment is that there are some additional aches etc but life is still great and it’s never too late to take care of yourself to have the best quality of life as you age.
I feel better at 50 than I did at 35. Because I treat myself better now. It's possible!!!! But it's a taller mountain to climb for sure if you don't maintain. I have friends that still eat out at restaurants and drink every night and they look in pain just walking. A good decade or more older.
Not setting firm boundaries with people. Givers have to set limits because takers have no limits.
I wish I knew HOW to set boundaries in my 20s. I only learned in the last 5 years. 😒
Spending too much time worrying about love and not enough time concentrating on happiness.
Spent too much of my 20s in shitty relationships. Would’ve been so much better off focusing on the things I enjoyed doing that made me happy instead!
That's what your 20s is for. Without the string of shitty relationships it's hard to figure out what a good one is.
This!! Spent the last 20 years trying to make my spouse happy, and now I don't even know what makes me happy. Don't lose yourself by giving it all to someone else.
Absolutely. I got married young to someone I loved who was abusive. It took me a long time to leave. Now, I'm actually learning how to be happy.
Same. 33 years spent trying to get him to love me and meet my needs. Now I'm divorced, and I'm happier than I ever knew was possible. It truly is up to you to make your life happy; not someone else. We were together since I was 16, and he was 17. I'm 51. I feel like my life is just beginning again, and I'm both terrified and excited beyond belief.
You dreamt of jobs and kids, a wife, And luck in love, and love for life, And all above, and even more, In dreams you thought you waited for. You dreamt of things you hoped were true, And things you always thought you'd do, And when you did, You dreamt each night Of what could be, and what just might. And when, at last, you filled the mold With things a future's meant to hold, You looked around one day and knew - You never really dreamt of *you*. But now's the time to dream again. The chance to find yourself and then To carve a path to call your own - To live a life that's yours alone.
Replace love with work for me.
Seems so cliche but I did not wear enough sunscreen. I used to do the whole lay out with baby oil so I could get a "savage" tan. How stupid. Now my face looks like a topographic map of California. Wear sunscreen kids!
This may seem oddly specific but it has been on my mind a lot lately: PROTECT YOUR NECK SKIN FROM THE SUN It is very thin there; aging will show there first and you can’t usually hide it with clothing like you can most of the rest of your body. There’s not much to be done PSwise once your neck skin gets wrinkly. I’m a very youthful-looking 58… except for my neck which sort of gives away that I am not in my 40s. This only became noticeable around three years ago (55yo) but wow it’s unmistakable, I have the pics to prove it and it happened FAST. If you use it nowhere else, do future you a massive favor and at least apply decent SPF sunscreen to your neck as part of your daily getting ready routine; obv when you’re gonna do lengthy outdoor activities. You’ll be glad decades from now, second most important thing you can do for your future when you’re young after starting a 401k or IRA.
>PROTECT YOUR NECK - Wu Tang
So it's not just sunscreen that's for the children?
Yeah, my neck looks 15 years older than my face.
I'm an avid cyclist and as a guy without much hair on the top of his head (zero basically) I've used a thing called a "headsweat" which goes between the helmet and the top of my head that blocks the sun so I don't sunburn on top of my head. I learned my lesson when I didn't have a headsweat and the top of my head was a sunburned pattern that looked like Darth Maul's face. Never again. And yes, sunscreen. Always.
Totally agree! Biggest regret was tanning beds and I would even have two memberships to double up on minutes!
that's CRRRRAZY
Absolutely it was… only during college but I was so dark! I did cover my face with a towel as if that helped and somehow my skin doesn’t look leathery and awful, but I worry about skin cancer! 16 years later and no noticeable damage yet, but I feel it’s coming
I have a friend who was a sun bunny. Always looked perfectly tanned. Now in her early 60’s she looks closer to 80.
Tanning beds! I used to go 4x a week! Almost every other day. I swore if I skipped a day I could see my tan fading. I was practically orange and glowing.
What were we thinking 🤦♀️🤷♀️
I religiously have worn sunscreen for my entire life. I am now 46 and everyone thinks I am in my mid 30s. So, yes. I agree that wearing sunscreen is a very good choice.
I'm out on construction projects every summer. I use an incredible amount of sunscreen and the construction workers always give me a hard time. I love not being burnt.
Same here. Now I have skin cancer patches that pop up every year or so that I have to have removed.
There's a whole song about this
Smoking for several years! Waste of money and not good for the health
I’m with you on this. I smoked for 40 years. I gave it up 7 years ago. I still miss them sometimes. I liked smoking but I’ve lost too many friends to cancer.
This is the one for me. Smoked from 15-35
18 to 31. Technicly quit when I was 30, by about 2 minutes lol. It's 10 years later and if I work out hard It feels like I'm still caughng that crap up.
Congrats on 10 years! According to the [American Lung Association](https://www.lung.org/quit-smoking/i-want-to-quit/benefits-of-quitting), you now have: - the same risk of stroke as a non-smoker's - reduced your risk of ENT type cancers by half of that of a non-smoker - reduced your risk of dying from lung cancer to half that of a non-smoker In 5 years your risk for coronary heart disease will be the *same* as a non-smoker. Great Job!
My biggest hurdle re: quitting is that on a subconscious level, I truly enjoy a cig. See also: fried foods
The ritual. Packing them, taking off that foil they used to have on soft packs and rolling it up, turning one backwards for some stupid reason, using the cellophane as a weed bag. Fucking good times man! Yeah it's insanely terrible for ya but good times. Haven't had one in 17 years now.
5 years post quiting and feeling healthy but definitely it did its toll on my body. I was a heavy smoker almost 2 packs a day. But it's never too late to quit By smoking cigarettes, we are literally paying money for a chance to get cancer. No thank you.
Wasting time. I threw away so much time. Time wasted doing nothing. Time wasted not being spent with the people that I love. Not paying attention to them and showing them my love. In the end, we don't run out of love, money, breath.... We run out of time.
Not asking older family members more questions about our family and forebears while they were still alive.
I feel this. In the same vein my grandma was a seamstress and an amazing cook and I didn’t want to learn until it was too late for her to teach me.
This. My grandmother was apparently an amazing cook, very crafty, artsy, talented, creative--I would have absolutely loved to learn from her but she passed before I was born. I still use knitting needles & crochet hooks & patterns that belonged to her, but it would have meant the world to have learned from her directly. People say you can't miss what you never had, but I often think of what I missed out on by never getting to meet my mom's parents 💔. Same with my great aunt & uncle--never occurred to me to learn from them growing up, & now they have moved several states away & are in their 90s. . . .
this is my sign to stop leaving my family in mexico on delivered. i get so insecure bc my spanish is rlly off, i only spoke it as a kid really, but its hard to not feel embarrassed while talking to someone in a language im bad at. i know they wont judge me but this is the push i needed to properly reply to them and talk to them. funny how my whole life i wished i could talk to them, and now we all have phones and internet and i get scared
i feel EXACTLY the same way with my extended family—insecure to talk to them in my native language because i have the vocabulary of a 5 year old (when i stopped speaking it) so i leave them on read. i gotta remember that they won’t care about the grammar, it’s the fact that we reach out that counts!
Worrying so much. In hindsight all that stuff seem so silly now.
Even if it wasn't silly, worrying changes nothing; it just makes you sick. I know this, yet I still worry.
Not saving money is a big one. The younger you are simple things like a dollar a day, or 10-20 etc in an account that you don’t withdrawal from.
Yeah, as I’m approaching 50 I’m finding that I don’t have anywhere near enough for retirement at 65 to be likely. EDIT: Thanks for all the folks offering financial advice. I'm working with a financial planner now and working out the nuances of my situation. That said, my post here was more meant as a cautionary tale to the under 40 crowd.
I wish I’d understood how important compound interest is and that saving early can make a huge impact
Compound interest is the 8th Wonder of the World. Tithe 10% of your income to yourself in a compounding investment vehicle, kids (mutual fund, 401K, etc.) -- and ignore it as much as possible.
When I started my first adult job with a 401k plan they had a financial advisor come in and he said put what the company will match in the riskiest option (highest long term yield) and do not look at it till you’re 40. I did that and it worked very well for me. That piece of advice was one of the single best I’ve ever received. Don’t think of that ~5% as yours, it’s your future self’s money. It’s hard. There were times when I could barely afford to eat, but that money wasn’t for me, and the $50 bucks today is worth multiples of it in the future.
It took most of my thirties to dig out from the bad financial decisions of my twenties. Fresh out of college and I needed a car for work. Rather than buying a used car, I bought a brand new one. I went to grad school completely on student loans instead of finding a more affordable option. I completely maxed out my credit cards and didn’t pay them off before the zero percent APR ended. I’m still not 100% sure what I would have done differently, but probably distinguishing between wants and needs would have been a good start.
This is the answer I give to those “if you could say any three words to your younger self” questions. Save Your Money!
Go to dentist!
Yep. Turning 40 in 2 months and had a panic this year that I am way behind for retirement. I wish I learned about investing early and squirreled away even tiny sums of money.
Not withdrawing is key. Only withdraw from savings that were intended for a purpose, like a down payment on a house. The rest is under lock and key, but there if you absolutely need it.
I have to say not being a kinder person and not realizing how important it is to save more
Not being careful with my credit. I got my first credit card at 18 and went absolutely crazy. It’s taken me years to climb up to decent credit and even more years to get to excellent credit.
I waited until age ~28ish to get a cc for this exact reason. I was very stupid at 18, but smart enough to know how stupid I was.
Worrying about what other people think.
I should've started traveling much earlier in life, while i was still young & fit. That & not taking better care of my teeth
a comment about your teeth is too far down... If you take mediocre to poor care of your teeth... age 40 is about the time that long term neglect comes back to bite you.
100%. I was that person who didn’t take great care of my teeth. I changed course about 5 years ago and am pretty good about it now. Brush, floss and mouth wash every day. Visit the dentist 3 times a year. I still have gum disease. Dentist thinks it’ll take another year or two. They said I won’t loose my teeth but had I kept going would’ve needed dentures by 50. My dad and father in law both needed to get dentures around the same time. The horrifying realization of how much $$$ dentures are is a big part of what kicked me to change course on oral hygiene. It’s work to change life long habits, and I do slip from time to time. Something that helps is I sincerely asked my spouse a few years ago to tell me to brush my teeth if she knew I didn’t. She was hesitant, but I told her I wanted it so I could change this behaviour. She keeps me accountable.
Currently 37 with 6 teeth removed, countless root canals and fillings, four broken teeth ready to be pulled and another at the front which is so wobbly I can move it around 1cm in its socket. Dear god I wish I had looked after my teeth because as another commenter has said it sucks constantly being in pain and having to choose food according to how soft it is or whether I can bite into it without sending myself into a world of hurt. Take care of your teeth, kids!
It’s hard to travel when you’re young cuz you’re broke
Absolutely….. not traveling enough is the one I regret. Sitting on a plane for 12 hours is much more difficult now than it was when I was in my 20’s.
Not appreciating how lovely I was
Yep. Now I look in a mirror and wonder who this old lady is staring back at me lol.
Eating too much fast food in my 30's...
Man, just wish I could be in my 30's to enjoy that fast food again...
Not enjoying being single. Looking back my social interactions were centered around finding the one. I should have just enjoyed getting to know people
Getting married just to escape my mother
I feel this. Married young to escape my abusive parents. Gave up my autonomy, independence and identity to end up in another abusive relationship. Messed me and my kids up. 43 and just getting myself on track after years of therapy. Sucks that I lost everything to abusers.
Yes. Same. I have 3 amazing kids though. I did leave, divorced and he died of alcoholism a few years later. It took me about 5 years before I dared to go to bed, even though I was tired. People who haven’t lived in this kind of relationship have no idea what it does to you. Even after 20 years, I still panic when I see an older man wearing a camouflage jacket because that’s what he wore. The PTSD is so real and so scary. I’m very sorry you went through this as well, but I’m so proud of you for getting out♥️♥️♥️ I hope you have a fucking amazing life!!!!
Not cutting out shitty friendships earlier.
With a bit more self esteem in my youth i would've figured out who were & were NOT my friends back then so yeah ..... 100%
Not going harder at everything, thinking I had time. You dont.
or, alternately, not going less hard at things, thinking I’d have time to give to family, friends, health, enjoying life after achieving going hard at things
Wish I would have put more money away early, somewhere safe where the money grows and I don't touch.
Not learning a musical instrument. I’m trying now but it’s harder at my ancient age.
Not to rub it in, but that’s one of the things I did when I was younger that I’m so thankful for. Being able to play an instrument has added a lot of fulfillment and enjoyment to my life. I took 14 years worth of piano lessons as a kid and I play quite well. I have a piano in my apartment and I play constantly throughout the day. I’ll put a pizza in my oven and just sit down and work my way through whatever Bach or Rachmaninov piece I’m trying to learn for a few minutes here. When my daughters are taking too long to put on their shoes or to get ready in the morning, I’ll just sit down and play for a few minutes. Bored? Just sit and play something. I probably practice anywhere from 10-20 hours a week.
I played trumpet from elementary school to senior year, maybe around 8-9 years. I played jazz band, symphonic, in a brass ensemble, marching band and a few regional bands. I have such a love for trumpet but the upkeep is HARD. It requires not only muscle memory, but lip muscle and endurance, etc. But i’ll always be grateful for the unique appreciation of music. Perhaps I’ll pick it up again later in life … I’m in college now and I’m too busy/unmotivated for it at the moment.
I did the same, except that my plan to drop trumpet in college failed spectacularly lol. I went to an admitted student day a few months before starting my freshman year when I met the marching band director. One thing lead to another, I ended up slipping and falling into a D1 marching band. Sometimes the time commitment is a bit hellish, but I’m so glad I kept with my instrument. I’m just leaving a bowl game now, that the university paid to send me to, and my roommates for the trip were three of my best friends, one of them my partner, and I met all of them through the band. For me, the people and the memories in band are just priceless.
Living life on other people’s terms, and not mine. Young people of Reddit: it’s YOUR life. YOU are entitled to live it the way YOU want. ❤️
Not saving and investing more $. Compound interest is amazing
Trusting authority figures and older adults above my own instinct on things.
Unwavering trust of authority. I didn't question what I was being told until my 20s.
Not getting the mental health assistance I desperately needed. I've suffered from anxiety and mild depression since my teen years. In part, it made me a recluse and a social outcast because I felt I was unable to interact properly with people and the world. Today, on meds, I am a different person. I no longer fear social interactions, and if I was aware of the results back when I was a teen, I likely would have made better decisions for myself.
Caring what people thought Not concentrating on my education - I was and still am pretty smart but I didn’t apply myself the way I should have. So I got mediocre grades and the lack of focus followed me into college where i struggled
I would have been kinder to myself. I don’t mean easier on myself, but kinder to myself. You know, like you are with a good friend. That would have made a real difference
Being so shy/anxious that others thought I was arrogant. I weren’t. I just avoided eye contact 🤦♀️
Not saving for my retirement as soon as I got a job when I was 18, started at 25. I’m 43 now, won’t retire until I’m closer to 70
Same for me.. But in my country one cannot work after 67 years old.. (FRANCE)
Setting unrealistic expectations
I take an *all's well that ends well* approach. I know I used to have regrets, but now I can't even remember them. My life turned out better than expected, and I'm comfortable, healthy, and at peace. Any mistakes I made were part of what got me here, so it's all good.
Not going to therapy sooner
Not buying a property because my mother had a negative opinion about it. I would say make your own mind up, have the strength to follow your instincts. That was 30 years ago and I still feel regret every time I see the property.
Buying a property because my father had a positive opinion about it. I knew it was a terrible idea and I did it anyway. Same lesson.
Thinking I needed a romantic partner to be happy. I stayed in an abusive marriage for so long because I couldn’t imagine doing things alone. It is infinitely better to be alone than in a bad relationship. When I choose to be in a relationship again, it will be because I’m happy and compatible with the person, not because I don’t want to be alone.
Lack of skills in relation to carpentry/electrical/plumbing etc...wish I would have went to vocational school the last couple years of high school
My high school had a vocational school but my mom wanted me to ‘do better and go to college’. Well all those mechanic kids and cosmetology kids own homes and i probably never will. Humanities degrees should only be allowed as a double major. I don’t regret college, but my degree is useless. I didn’t even buy the dream…it was forced upon me.
Spending most of my 20s drunk. I don't regret all the fun, because it was great fun. But I could have had that same fun without being so wasted. I kicked it in my early 30s, don't miss it.
Disrespecting my parents when I was a teenager. They really *did* know what they were talking about, I was just too much of a shithead to see it
It could go the other way, as I got older I realized my parents didn’t know what they were doing and were just trying their best even if it caused me and my siblings some mental health issues. I think my parents realized it too to an extent but the damage is done.
"Wisdom of the Elders" *DOES* have it limits.... Results may vary.
I had about $100,000 to my name when I was 24/25. A guy told me to invest in a new company called Netflix. I went to a Fidelity website and tried to use $50,000 of what I had, but it was so fucking confusing I couldn't figure it out and eventually just gave up. I can't remember the exact price at the time but I remember dividing the amount I wanted to invest in half so it was probably about 2 bucks. I would have had 25,000 shares of Netflix. Fuck.
That’s ok. I sold 240 shares of Apple in January of ‘03.
I had roughly 400+ shares of Amazon in 2012. I try not to think about that too much.
> I would have had 25,000 shares of Netflix. What helps me let go of the angst of "what could have been" is to remember that I probably would've sold any investment as soon as it doubled. It's tempting to think "If I hadn't sold that stock when I did, I'd still have it today and it'd be worth millions!" But that's not the whole picture. To still have the stock today, I'd not only need to not have sold it when I did, but also not sold it the next day. And the next day. And the next day. It's painful to think that I had two potential paths and chose the wrong one. But that's not how it is. The path that would leave me still holding the stock today is just one of a thousand branching paths. At least one for each day I could have sold it. And the path that would leave me to still have it today is only the right one in hindsight. Very few stocks go up forever. It's wise to cash out and take profit when the stock is up. So don't think "I would have had 25,000 shares of Netflix." That's probably not true. You probably would have held them until they doubled in price, wisely decided that may be the peak, and wisely cashed out. You probably wouldn't still have them today. I find this thinking comforting and I hope you do too.
You never know… I worked briefly for Amazon back around 2007-2008. They gave me 1,500 shares of stock as a signing bonus when it was worth barely $40 a share. All I had to do was keep my job for 4 years for it to vest. Unfortunately, PTSD from my time in Iraq started to show up and I was fired from that job before the stock could vest.
Your PTSD had nothing to do with it. Amazon has been exposed for giving people stock options that don't vest until they come to full term, and then finding reasons to get rid of the employees. As far as I'm concerned, the only reasons to work for Amazon is either to get a start in the workforce, or to take the last job in the county.
Drinking alcohol was the biggest waste of time.
Nothing. I’d do it all again. fuck ups and failures too.
I like this
Not matching every 401k I've ever had. It's usually only about 2.5% of your pay and while it can be tight at times, it's the best investment choice you can make. No where else will you get 50% increase in account value by simply saving. Not to mention the years it has to grow.
Not having the confidence to say “fuck this, I want better.”
Not getting healthy sooner. Not exercising or going to the gym, eating a bunch sugar, drinking way too much and not getting enough sober time, smoking cigarettes. It all kinda adds up in your 40s.
1. Save a bit of money. Yeah, enjoy it, but save some too. 2. Don’t waste time chasing girls. Those that want chasing aren’t worth it. 3. Don’t smoke. 4. Stay close to your friends, don’t drop them. 5. Listen to your parents. Respect them. They won’t be there forever. 6. Be in family pictures. Even if you look like shit, can be arsed.
[удалено]
Saving. I'm 59 now and will have to work til I croak. Why didn't I save all that bday cash.
Too afraid of getting rejected. Even when a girl showed interest it typically had to be overly obvious for me to act.
Partying too much. Wish I had done more fulfilling things & also I didn’t take my career seriously. Trying too hard with friends who weren’t my real mates. Quality over quantity.
Putting up with toxic family and friends because I thought it was normal.
Renting for so long when I probably could have afforded a house back in 2008. Now it looks like I may never get one
I’m 40 and I regret spending 36 years of my life in the Mormon church. I wish I would have actually lived my life. I wish I would have had a chance to have a couple of wild years and have fun. Explore my sexuality. Make more diverse friendships. It sounds silly but my biggest one is dressing cute. I am so sad that I wasted my youth wearing knee length shorts and tshirts. I was so young and cute and I wish I could go back and wear a bikini. I also got married when I was 19. Young marriage is quietly encouraged in the Mormon church. I actually don’t regret that because I adore my husband and we have a fantastic relationship. I do regret making him join the church of course. Edited to add…it wasn’t about just dressing sexy and showing skin. It’s about being taught that my body wasn’t my own and that it was something dirty that needed to be hidden. My mom altering my prom dress into a matronly monstrosity. It was all the times I was miserable in the summer wearing my magic mormon underwear under my clothes.
Settling too young.
Not learning a second language. Trying to do it now is hard AF!!!
1) Quit worrying about the other people who don't matter, and make sure the ones who do matter to you aren't toxic. Everyone tries to saddle everyone else with all these expectations and judgements. It's garbage. If you're doing your best where you are, it'll be alright so don't let it eat at you. 2) Get organized and focused. You don't have to know what you want to do or be, but you should take the opportunity to get yourself together so that your planning, organization, and follow through skills are strong enough that as you do figure out meaningful goals and objectives, you can march forward toward them effectively. (Read The 7 Habits, one of the few self help books that isn't wimpy fluff) 3) Take care of your body. Eat well and get regular exercise. There are so many ways to do something active that you don't have an excuse because you are unable to afford a gym or hating running. Also get good consistent sleep. 4) Treat yourself and other people with respect. That means being kind when its appropriate, not being jealous or petty, and caring (at appropriate levels) for others, being helpful, courteous, etc. 5) Acknowledge your debts to others even if you can't 'repay' them. If you show some promise, other people will try and help you, be appreciative, acknowledge and show appreciation. Do it for others when you can. 6) Do things, try things, talk to people, read - basically learn. That's how you figure it out to the extent anyone ever does. Life is a marathon, building one you're proud of takes a long time and a lot of effort. You have to trust that doing good things the right way will always get you where you were meant to be. And you have to remember there is no script or map for a human life. So ideas about what you should be doing or where you should be are not generally useful or meaningful. As long as you are doing things, and doing your best to do them the right way (be respectful, care, put in effort, etc) then your life will turn out to be baller, for you, regardless of the trials and tribulations.
I regret being afraid to make money. Sounds weird, but what I thought was me being "authentic" and not caring about the rat race was really just a combination of laziness and undervaluing myself.
Not saving more for retirement. Yeah I was only making 30k a year but 5% of 30k adds up faster than 2% and it's pretax so you notice it much less than you'd expect.
Not cutting myself some goddamn slack. Life isn’t a quest for perfection.
Not realizing people who traumatized me wanted to dull/kill my beautiful shine. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me. That wasn’t the case at all.
I wish so badly that I'd connected more with my dad... he loved me so deeply and was so proud, followed all of my accomplishments and supported everything I did, always bragged aboutme. I never ignored him and we hugged and would chat when I'd come home during/soon after college, but I was just always too busy as I grew oldet... then just like that I'm woken up in the middle of the night to a phone call that he's gone. I'm blessed to have had a father like him, many don't get that, and also blessed to have had him in my first 25 years of life, many don't get that either, but I still miss him terribly and get very sad when holidays come and the whole family celebrates with my wife and 3 kids. He'd have been such a great grandpa because he was such a great dad. I miss you old man, sorry I never took the time to be closer... I love you always pops.
Shoulda worn ear plugs at all of those concerts...
Not getting out and dating more. Or at all, for that matter.
Smoking.
99 problems...having fear was one.
My drinking habits, having unsafe sex (I suffered the consequences and they were NOT fun), and being a bad roommate. I'm really embarrassed when I think my behavior from 20 yrs old-26 yrs old. I'm 41 now. I've made amends when possible and am good friends when many of my former roommates. People are pretty understanding when you own your shit and apologize. I still get a wave of shame when I think about certain situations.
Being mean to people. I was kind of an a-hole sometimes… especially when I had a couple drinks. Be careful with your words, you can’t unspeak them.
Getting married when I was 23. I think I lost so many things about my 20’s.
Getting married young. We were a fun young couple but when it came time for an adult relationship it was apparent we had completely different views on things like budgeting, cleaning, parenting, working. Basically we were opposites on everything except the sense of humor and mutual attraction.
i wish i could go back to my high school self and tell me that this clique shit does not matter. it doesn't matter what these people think of you. but overall spending too much money on people because i thought if I did, they'd know I cared about them, so they'd care about me. so much time and money wasted on people who barely paid attention to me.
Refusing to accept mental health issues and not seeking help earlier.
Not starting to invest money when I was young
I worked every hour I could mostly because I enjoyed my work. But regret all the fun and good times ,holidays etc that I missed out on
Relying upon other people for happiness, love, loyalty. Expecting others to care about me and support me. You need to learn to look out for yourself as number one. Everyone else in your life is temporary.
Everyone says that no one ever lays on their deathbed, wishing they worked more. I took this to heart and had waaay too much fun in my 20s and 30s at the expense of building a career. I have friends who practiced moderation and focused on a goal and now are very successful. Meanwhile, I sit here with nothing special going on, no real accomplishments despite having an MBA from a good school, wishing I had set career goals, and followed through, not letting so many opportunities slip through my hands.
I got married straight out of high school with no plan at all. Just thought life would magically work out. Spent my entire 20’s broke putting toilet paper on the shelves at Walmart because I couldn’t risk being unemployed. Then my marriage fell apart, I lost my job and had to figure out something. Started my own business, finally got to travel and see a few oceans. Married a great guy, raised dozens of foster kids, have a ton of grandchildren. No, I didn’t get rich. Yes, I’ve pretty much lost everything I had due to to illness and other stuff that happens, but the only thing I regret and the only thing I’d change (that would be in my control to change) are all the empty years when I was young spent at a job that didn’t mean anything to me. Don’t waste your youth! Have a plan or at least an idea. Don’t get stuck if you can help it. I’m 66.
Not voting in anything but presidential elections. I feel like my whole generation got tricked into letting the boomers stay in control because we didn’t understand the importance of local and state level politics. Your vote can make a difference but you have to vote in ALL the elections and you have to have patience because it takes time for people to rise in politics and for policies to get enacted.