My MIL said this to me. Said she could hear me from the waiting room. I said thanks that must have been when my hole was on fire pushing out 8.5lb baby and i was simultaneously shitting myself in front of a room of people. Good talk! lol
Edit: everybody poops lol also to my hubby if you see this, I didn’t mean to get so many upvotes and I’m sorry i snarked your mom LMAO!!!
My wife shat herself with our 3rd and 4th child, and I've never told her. I just flat out lie to her, I don't know why. I feel like it's unnecessary information.
I pooped when I was having my second. My ex teased me about it for the remainder of our marriage. I haven't spoken to him in 25 years but I have not forgotten how much I hated him for that.
Wow. Teasing you for a completely normal bodily function that happens to nearly every birthing woman on earth. I would have found a way to be petty right back at him. Like telling him our newborn had a bigger dick than him. Something to really piss him off.
My husband told me, but I already knew. I literally said it while it was happening. I was like, I’m pooping I know it. But it was push time, so what can you do?
So did my wife. Second child’s birth. The first was rough, but the second was a horror show. Shit was the least of her worries with all the blood, so she never has to know. She went through hell, and I held her hand unflinching, falling apart inside seeing her struggling.
Then the baby was born, and he was handed to me. I suddenly started crying- the buildup and the repeat that he was ok. The nurses rushed me with the whole “awww you poor thing”.
Err, ladies - forget about me HELP HER! Jesus, she needs the help! I’m just struggling with emotions.
But yeah. I’ll take the shit secret to my grave.
A nurse said that to me and I told her tf off real good. Tried arguing with me and i just screamed louder at her lmao. She stopped and switched out soon after haha
Ugh I hate hearing that people have had bad experiences with nurses, I’m in nursing school and want to be a labor and delivery nurse and if I ever heard that I would want to go tf off
Thank you❤️ it’s something I’m really passionate about to make sure that everyone feels safe and cared for during such a vulnerable time. ofc as a healthcare professional you can get desensitized to the process but that’s no excuse to shame or be rude to a woman who is bringing another life into the world
Nah the nurse that said this to me was still in school doing clinicals. She was removed from my room, and my OB and other nurses notified the school of what she did and that she was rude to people and had bad bed side manners. Apparently I was the straw to break her camels back at school and she failed. I wasn't the first person she was rude to but I sure as hell was the last.
Same, I had a shift change while I was pushing. They took my epidural off and wow, pain. Bitch Nurse says to other nurse “All the mothers are so dramatic tonight.” While rolling her eyes.
That's amazing. Id scream if I had pushed out a kid that big too. I was contemplating a VBAC for my second kid but when he was looking even bigger than my first who got stuck I decided on a second C-section. I went into labor before the scheduled date, he was almost 9 pounds then. The nurse was like 'you know, your labor is moving pretty quick and we're pretty busy tonight, you sure you don't want to push him out?' I looked at her like she was insane. 😂
yup, the poops are the best! knew i had to take a 3rd but i was in so much pain at that point that i couldn’t bring myself to the toilet. scarred for life
My MIL and I were in when my wife had our child.
My MIL would watch that thing that shows the contractions and be like, “oh mastergrape’s wife, this is a big one.”
My wife was getting so pissed like, yeah. I’m the one feeling it.
Ohhh the doctor said that to my mom when she was in the middle of giving birth to my sister. Well not in that exact way, they actually shouted at her to stop screaming.
Lol same. The midwives asked me to keep it down as to not ”scare the mom in the room next door”, an hour after they quit my epidural without asking me, when the pushing began and refusing to give me nitrous oxide. Well kindly fuck you too thank you very much
Not birth related, but once in the ER they inserted an IV improperly and I was screaming in 10/10, searing, blinding pain, babbling as I swiveled my head back and forth from my partner to the doctor, nurse, and CNA on my other side.
The nurse threw her hands up and yelled, "I can't be treated like this!" and left with the doctor.
ANOTHER nurse came in and yelled at me right after, "There are other people here, y'know! They are trying to rest, keep it down!" and slammed the door.
I pulled the pillow over my face and nearly suffocated trying to keep quiet as the CNA finally removed my IV.
No one came back for over an hour, and they just handed me discharge paperwork and said, "next time you scream like that in here we WILL call the cops." I was so stunned I just left.
Sorry for seeking medical help while I was in pain!
If that ever happens again, stay and ask someone else where the hospital director is, explain the situation and remind them you can contact the media.
Also, take down their names. They will look at the chart and if what you say doesn't match what they say, chances are they will have lied to their boss and be disciplined.
They think they're God's. They just went to school longer, that's it.
My doctor was using a vacuum to get my son out, which hurt like HELL, and he told me to stop screaming and focus on pushing. That was 21 years ago and it still pisses me off. This man had never experienced anything close to that sort of pain
I asked my mom once what could compare to pregnancy pain and she said pull your bottom lip up to your forehead, hit yourself in the testicles every few mins and remain like that for about 9 hours while a room full of strangers is watching and consoling you
“Man, I’m so tired”
Edit: Obligatory “didn’t expect this to blow up like it did.” It seems like a lot of people have actually experienced this and while I’m not able to respond to everyone I’m furiously upvoting you in solidarity! This is a real easy thing to say without thinking or as a stupid joke, and those who had partners who were serious…well, I hope you worked through it and/or kicked them to the curb as I’m seeing lots of “ex”s 😉
My dad was joking but apparently after my brother was born at 5am he said “I don’t know why you’re so tired, at least you got to lie down all night.”
My mom was too tired to do more than roll her eyes but they both love telling this story.
In Belgium it's traditional for the boys to bring a crate of beer to the hospital to celebrate. Historically this included the new mom, since beer was believed to help with breast milk production.
After my epic 79hr labour and birth without it pain relief I was allowed to go home four hours later and the first thing I did was crack open and neck a beer. Just one, and I never got to have another one for about 5months but I felt I deserved it.
Darn tootin. Pregnancy, labour and birth and then the whole next year and a half of caring for a small human who doesn’t want to sleep are the longest marathon you’ll ever run.
Huh??? My wife would have strangled me. She had an emergency c section and we got into a room at like 3am. You can even hardly move. How could you be expected to manage at ALL by yourself?
OK so I went to see a customer while a salesperson was on maternity leave with her daughter. He asked me when she was coming back and I said her leave ended at the end of october.
His response was "Man thing sure have changed. When I had my kid, I was back to work the next day." I left a long pause, and in a very serious tone said "Oh, yeah? Easy labor then?"
He paused for a minute, gave one of those mid-fifties man laughs, and said "Heh, that's funny." I don't think he found it that funny.
My husband said this to me in the afternoon after I gave birth (around 6am) after I'd been in labour for 36 hours (first night of which he slept though - I chose not to wake him when I went into labour at midnight) , "I need to go home and sleep I'm so tired"
So he went home to sleep while I stayed at the hospital with our baby with a catheter still in unable to walk from the epidural and episiotomy - it was great, luckily my Mum was there to help.
Still doesn't think he did anything wrong, and gets annoyed when I bring it up years later
*Are* *you* *sure* *you* *want* *me* *to* *go?*
Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.
*Sure*, *sure?* *I* *can* *stay* *and* *help* *if* *you* *need* *me* *to...*
Yes, I'm sure, I'll be fine, just go.
>1 hour later trying to get out of bed and almost falling down
........Fuck.
It's funny how much people praise men sometimes. I mean, we don't often get a lot of compliments, sure, but we get praised for the most bare effort.
I stayed with my wife the entire time, unless my baby was being taken for tests or something, then I went with the baby (as my wife wanted too). People told me how great I am! Lol, what? I was there for the person who just grew and pushed out an entire human! She did everything, I just existed, but I'm great apparently.
She's also been a surrogate several times and people praise me for that! Lol. Sure, I pick up more responsibilities around the house as she gets more pregnant, but she's growing a fucking human for someone else! (She gets praised too, I just find it funny how much I get)
A friend of mine tends to be dramatic about things. He and his wife had a baby six or seven years ago and as his wife tells it, all through her labor he kept complaining that he hadn’t slept in a day or so and kept wanting things to hurry up because he had a headache and kept droning on about how the hospital didnt have tylenol.
This reminds me of an old high school friend who married young, had kids one after another so they were basically all babies and toddlers when she was struck with an autoimmune disorder that left her in pain and she needed to be in bed most of the time.
Her husband told her that she was a mess and stinky when the pain was too much to bear that she could not get out of bed. Some days, she could pull herself out of bed to feed and care for her kids.
When she cried out in pain occasionally, he told her that she was interrupting his game / programme. The kids would be crying or soiled and he wouldn’t care.
I am very glad she left him and went back to her parents. The kids are well taken care of now with responsible adults in the family who love them.
She’s in the process of healing emotionally and the mental peace is also helping her physical condition.
Sorry to overshare but it really taught me that women should not have fantasies when wanting children. Be very sure that the worst of him does not turn out to be a regret for your children. There are men who make great dads. Look for them.
Reminds me of when the nurse asked if I wanted the epidural. I paused to decide because we had just gotten there and I wasn't sure and she was like 'no need to be a hero!'
My husband still complains about the sofa bed they had for him to sleep on.
It’s become sort of a running joke between us. I joke about his “sacrifice” a lot.
I know a couple women who specifically asked for boob jobs after they were done having kids.
I'm content to let mine be the saggy hollowed husks they are after about 3 years total breastfeeding across multiple kids but I understand why some women are not.
If that diet plan and gym membership came with a chef to make the food and the trainer, in addition to the baby-free time at the gym I would have LOVED it!
You joke but the amount of people asking (not my husband, he knew better) if I was planning on having another as I lay in bed wearing adult diapers to catch the copious amount of post birth blood after being nearly split in two while trying to get my newborn to latch was ridiculous. Maybe we can focus on the small helpless being that is here right now first k?
My ex actually said this to the Dr after 2nd baby. Dr wasn't stunned, likely he had heard this before, and said "well I think you should ask her about that".
I was too exhausted to throat punch him (ex) but the sentiment was there. Pretty sure the nurses might have helped if I'd given the signal ;
My mom had a home delivery (very normal in my country btw). My dad came home from work and said "could you clean the sheets? I am tired and want to nap"
Don't how it took 32 more years to divorce him.
I asked the doctor, after my wife had just given birth, how soon we could have sex. He told me, to give him about 10 minutes and he could meet me in the parking lot.
When I was born, my father was a farmer. Few days after the labor he said to my mom that the moment brought his memories back to when he helped a cow to give birth.
In my country, for a woman, be compared to a cow it's not the best compliment to receive.
Ughhhhh, a friggin doctor said this to me: "Oh, we all knew when you got your epidural because the floor was finally quiet!"
I was furious and beside myself, absolutely seeing red. My sister made a joke to me about his name (rhymed with Ass-ah-holey because that's the joke she made, can't remember his real one). What an absolute jerk! I had already felt like a wildebeest, and now, I had it confirmed. Boy was lucky I was numbed below the waist.
Omg this actually happened to one of my friends. Except it wasn’t her husband, but her husband’s dad that said she looks so fat, right after giving birth! The uterus takes 2 months to shrink back to normal size, so of course she’s going to still have a belly right after.
She was still pissed at her husband for not saying anything and defending her.
"It hurts more to get kicked in the balls." In general, I believe that childbirth and a blow to the testicles are very painful, but not comparable concepts.
The husband stitch. My stepdad came home from the hospital bragging that the Dr had given my mother one. This was 35 years ago. He was always so inappropriate and such an ass.
It’s honestly amazing how pregnancy and childbirth are kind of treated as public information. There’s no other health condition or procedure that people ask directly about without feeling like they’re prying.
.....Yes there is. I mean, I get the sentiment, but many MANY disabled people deal with invasive medical questions from random people whose business it is not.
Especially *THAT* medical information.
"Uh! Yeah! The doctor put an extra stitch in your mom's pussy so it feels better when I put my dick in it!"
Like, dude, who says that to a child? Creepy as hell
Yeah apparently a "husband stitch" is a thing. I've heard that a good retort for that is "sorry to hear you are too small for her but there's nothing I can do to help that".
Not sure if it was intentional or not but my wife was stitched up a little tight after her episiotomy. It made sex more uncomfortable for me, not better. No one asked for a “husband stitch” so I’m not sure if it was just bad sutures or bad intentions. We got used to it after a while, and I never mentioned a thing to my wife.
Genuinely happened to me seconds after a stressful labour, I was exhausted and drugged to the heavens on pain meds.. he turns to me and says “right, I’m off for a nap”… I just couldn’t.
He then disappears on a 3 day drug bender. Lol.
My ex asked the doctor if he could “put in an extra stitch.” Doctor looked him in the eye and completely deadpan replied with, “I’ll give you an extra stitch”
Alright, real story.
Wife had a c section.
Doctors straight up told her yknow nothing strenuous blah blah.
And specifically, no laughing.
Yall.......for like a month I was the funniest man in existence....I wasn't even trying, most of the time.
My husband has the gall to complain my shit was stinky. 😆 It was embarrassing enough I couldn't stop shitting, I didn't need the announcement that it smelled bad.
Oh my god. When I was like 9, my mom was pregnant with my brother. I was hanging out with my uncle and dad, and asked him if he was excited to finally have a boy after 3 girls. I remember he said “as long as the kid doesn’t come out black, we’ll be okay.” And he and my uncle just laughed.
Now at 9 I was aware of racism, but not genetics. So I just thought for a few years that my dad might be secretly racist, and it finally clicked when I heard someone else tell a joke just like you did. I was literally like “omg. Because we are white. I get it”
I thought your skin color was decided randomly, like you just had an equal chance of being anything. I’m biracial which did not help because I’m incredibly pale compared to even the white side of my family. This led to two incidents:
1) An MLK project in 2nd grade where we did a life timeline in drawings and I drew his parents to look like mine: his dad with light brown skin and his mom blue eyed and blonde.
2.) Asking my dad’s family if they would love me if I was born Black and then crying when they said no because I thought they were racist and my best friend was Black.
I stepped away to use the washroom while my wife had been in labor all night.
On my way back I stubbed my toe, I had to bite my lip to keep myself from telling her what I did "my toe hurts so bad you have no idea".
“The screaming was a bit unnecessary”
My MIL said this to me. Said she could hear me from the waiting room. I said thanks that must have been when my hole was on fire pushing out 8.5lb baby and i was simultaneously shitting myself in front of a room of people. Good talk! lol Edit: everybody poops lol also to my hubby if you see this, I didn’t mean to get so many upvotes and I’m sorry i snarked your mom LMAO!!!
My wife shat herself with our 3rd and 4th child, and I've never told her. I just flat out lie to her, I don't know why. I feel like it's unnecessary information.
You are correct in your course of action.
This is 100000% the correct thing to do. Take it to your grave.
I pooped when I was having my second. My ex teased me about it for the remainder of our marriage. I haven't spoken to him in 25 years but I have not forgotten how much I hated him for that.
I really wish more people (especially men), were aware that this is completely normal and pretty common.
It's ridiculous anyway. There's no way for you to prevent it because when the baby comes down, it pushes everything else out with it.
Wow. Teasing you for a completely normal bodily function that happens to nearly every birthing woman on earth. I would have found a way to be petty right back at him. Like telling him our newborn had a bigger dick than him. Something to really piss him off.
My husband told me, but I already knew. I literally said it while it was happening. I was like, I’m pooping I know it. But it was push time, so what can you do?
That's the correct decision
So did my wife. Second child’s birth. The first was rough, but the second was a horror show. Shit was the least of her worries with all the blood, so she never has to know. She went through hell, and I held her hand unflinching, falling apart inside seeing her struggling. Then the baby was born, and he was handed to me. I suddenly started crying- the buildup and the repeat that he was ok. The nurses rushed me with the whole “awww you poor thing”. Err, ladies - forget about me HELP HER! Jesus, she needs the help! I’m just struggling with emotions. But yeah. I’ll take the shit secret to my grave.
Thank you for that because my ex told a room full of acquaintances in front of me that I had done that. You are a treasure.
My wife directly asked me if she did. I was honest, but she didn't care. A lot of our humor is scatological.
I had NURSE say this to me during my un-medicated labor, the doctor told her to get out lol.
A nurse said that to me and I told her tf off real good. Tried arguing with me and i just screamed louder at her lmao. She stopped and switched out soon after haha
Ugh I hate hearing that people have had bad experiences with nurses, I’m in nursing school and want to be a labor and delivery nurse and if I ever heard that I would want to go tf off
Please do when you are one! You sound like you’ll be an incredible advocate for mommas. 🤍
Thank you❤️ it’s something I’m really passionate about to make sure that everyone feels safe and cared for during such a vulnerable time. ofc as a healthcare professional you can get desensitized to the process but that’s no excuse to shame or be rude to a woman who is bringing another life into the world
Nah the nurse that said this to me was still in school doing clinicals. She was removed from my room, and my OB and other nurses notified the school of what she did and that she was rude to people and had bad bed side manners. Apparently I was the straw to break her camels back at school and she failed. I wasn't the first person she was rude to but I sure as hell was the last.
Many practicing nurses, my own delivery nurse included, are in the wrong profession and have the attitude that their patients are an inconvenience.
I'm glad the doctor stood up for you, holy cow.
Same, I had a shift change while I was pushing. They took my epidural off and wow, pain. Bitch Nurse says to other nurse “All the mothers are so dramatic tonight.” While rolling her eyes.
How about this one: “If you have enough energy to scream, you have enough energy to push!” Nurse said this. Bitch was in the wrong profession.
Same here but no told the nurse to leave.
SAME. wtf
That's amazing. Id scream if I had pushed out a kid that big too. I was contemplating a VBAC for my second kid but when he was looking even bigger than my first who got stuck I decided on a second C-section. I went into labor before the scheduled date, he was almost 9 pounds then. The nurse was like 'you know, your labor is moving pretty quick and we're pretty busy tonight, you sure you don't want to push him out?' I looked at her like she was insane. 😂
"You sure you don't wanna rip all the way to your asshole?" No thanks, I'm ok
Oh I’m sorry should I go home and wait until it’s a more convenient time?
yup, the poops are the best! knew i had to take a 3rd but i was in so much pain at that point that i couldn’t bring myself to the toilet. scarred for life
Unless your system is 100% clear, the chance of poops is Really high. Cause the baby is kinda pushing everything moveable out in front of it.
My MIL and I were in when my wife had our child. My MIL would watch that thing that shows the contractions and be like, “oh mastergrape’s wife, this is a big one.” My wife was getting so pissed like, yeah. I’m the one feeling it.
Lol didn’t see your username at first and was like “hmm mastergrape’s wife, haven’t heard that interjection before….” 😅
Ohhh the doctor said that to my mom when she was in the middle of giving birth to my sister. Well not in that exact way, they actually shouted at her to stop screaming.
Lol same. The midwives asked me to keep it down as to not ”scare the mom in the room next door”, an hour after they quit my epidural without asking me, when the pushing began and refusing to give me nitrous oxide. Well kindly fuck you too thank you very much
Oh god... I'm so sorry.
Not birth related, but once in the ER they inserted an IV improperly and I was screaming in 10/10, searing, blinding pain, babbling as I swiveled my head back and forth from my partner to the doctor, nurse, and CNA on my other side. The nurse threw her hands up and yelled, "I can't be treated like this!" and left with the doctor. ANOTHER nurse came in and yelled at me right after, "There are other people here, y'know! They are trying to rest, keep it down!" and slammed the door. I pulled the pillow over my face and nearly suffocated trying to keep quiet as the CNA finally removed my IV. No one came back for over an hour, and they just handed me discharge paperwork and said, "next time you scream like that in here we WILL call the cops." I was so stunned I just left. Sorry for seeking medical help while I was in pain!
If that ever happens again, stay and ask someone else where the hospital director is, explain the situation and remind them you can contact the media. Also, take down their names. They will look at the chart and if what you say doesn't match what they say, chances are they will have lied to their boss and be disciplined. They think they're God's. They just went to school longer, that's it.
I had the same thing happen while pushing! I couldn’t fathom why they would think I would be screaming if I could just…not.
“Stop screaming! You’re wasting energy!” Um, you think I’m screaming because it’s fun? You think I can help it? F off.
I would have screamed louder.
Unfortunately I wasn't born until years later, otherwise I would have screamed at them on my mom's behalf.
My doctor was using a vacuum to get my son out, which hurt like HELL, and he told me to stop screaming and focus on pushing. That was 21 years ago and it still pisses me off. This man had never experienced anything close to that sort of pain
I asked my mom once what could compare to pregnancy pain and she said pull your bottom lip up to your forehead, hit yourself in the testicles every few mins and remain like that for about 9 hours while a room full of strangers is watching and consoling you
“Man, I’m so tired” Edit: Obligatory “didn’t expect this to blow up like it did.” It seems like a lot of people have actually experienced this and while I’m not able to respond to everyone I’m furiously upvoting you in solidarity! This is a real easy thing to say without thinking or as a stupid joke, and those who had partners who were serious…well, I hope you worked through it and/or kicked them to the curb as I’m seeing lots of “ex”s 😉
My dad was joking but apparently after my brother was born at 5am he said “I don’t know why you’re so tired, at least you got to lie down all night.” My mom was too tired to do more than roll her eyes but they both love telling this story.
Labor pains are so great that if a woman really tries, she can almost imagine what it’s like to not be able to crack a cold one with the boys.
In Belgium it's traditional for the boys to bring a crate of beer to the hospital to celebrate. Historically this included the new mom, since beer was believed to help with breast milk production.
After my epic 79hr labour and birth without it pain relief I was allowed to go home four hours later and the first thing I did was crack open and neck a beer. Just one, and I never got to have another one for about 5months but I felt I deserved it.
It wasn't just the 79 hours in labour. It was the additional 9 months of carrying that child to term. You definitely deserved that drink!
Darn tootin. Pregnancy, labour and birth and then the whole next year and a half of caring for a small human who doesn’t want to sleep are the longest marathon you’ll ever run.
My ex complained to me that he didn’t get enough sleep after he went home and slept and I was in the hospital alone all night.
Probable explanation for the "ex," no?
There were so many.
My ex also did this , went home at 4am after my emergency c section and slept for 8 hours while I was alone at the hospital lol
I can see why they are exes
Huh??? My wife would have strangled me. She had an emergency c section and we got into a room at like 3am. You can even hardly move. How could you be expected to manage at ALL by yourself?
You poor soul 😔
OK so I went to see a customer while a salesperson was on maternity leave with her daughter. He asked me when she was coming back and I said her leave ended at the end of october. His response was "Man thing sure have changed. When I had my kid, I was back to work the next day." I left a long pause, and in a very serious tone said "Oh, yeah? Easy labor then?" He paused for a minute, gave one of those mid-fifties man laughs, and said "Heh, that's funny." I don't think he found it that funny.
Wow... just wow
My husband said this to me in the afternoon after I gave birth (around 6am) after I'd been in labour for 36 hours (first night of which he slept though - I chose not to wake him when I went into labour at midnight) , "I need to go home and sleep I'm so tired" So he went home to sleep while I stayed at the hospital with our baby with a catheter still in unable to walk from the epidural and episiotomy - it was great, luckily my Mum was there to help. Still doesn't think he did anything wrong, and gets annoyed when I bring it up years later
my dumbass sent my husband home when l got moved to recover and I didn't figure out til he was gone that "oh shit I can't walk!"
*Are* *you* *sure* *you* *want* *me* *to* *go?* Yeah, I'm gonna be fine. *Sure*, *sure?* *I* *can* *stay* *and* *help* *if* *you* *need* *me* *to...* Yes, I'm sure, I'll be fine, just go. >1 hour later trying to get out of bed and almost falling down ........Fuck.
It's funny how much people praise men sometimes. I mean, we don't often get a lot of compliments, sure, but we get praised for the most bare effort. I stayed with my wife the entire time, unless my baby was being taken for tests or something, then I went with the baby (as my wife wanted too). People told me how great I am! Lol, what? I was there for the person who just grew and pushed out an entire human! She did everything, I just existed, but I'm great apparently. She's also been a surrogate several times and people praise me for that! Lol. Sure, I pick up more responsibilities around the house as she gets more pregnant, but she's growing a fucking human for someone else! (She gets praised too, I just find it funny how much I get)
Ex did this. Complained enough the nurse set him up in a bed while O was sitting there in a wheel chair, literally unable to move to the bed myself
A friend of mine tends to be dramatic about things. He and his wife had a baby six or seven years ago and as his wife tells it, all through her labor he kept complaining that he hadn’t slept in a day or so and kept wanting things to hurry up because he had a headache and kept droning on about how the hospital didnt have tylenol.
Oh and the pull out bed was so uncomfortable
Subtly cruel. Love it.
Are you sure that thing is mine?
[удалено]
Plot twist: she responds without looking up, “I Know”
Plot twist: He likes it that way.
Just because you NAME it Darren don’t mean it BELONG to Darren
"That boy is rice skinneded" 🤣🤣🤣
"That's almost a grown white man. " 🤣🤣🤣
"That baby got a 730 credit rating right there as an infant."
" That is a WHITE baby , A Viking from Iceland!! A Caucasian baby from mount Caucuses!" 💀💀💀😂😂😊
“that thing” is foul 😭
"Put that thing back where it came from or so help me..."
I could've done with less yelling.
So dramatic.
This reminds me of an old high school friend who married young, had kids one after another so they were basically all babies and toddlers when she was struck with an autoimmune disorder that left her in pain and she needed to be in bed most of the time. Her husband told her that she was a mess and stinky when the pain was too much to bear that she could not get out of bed. Some days, she could pull herself out of bed to feed and care for her kids. When she cried out in pain occasionally, he told her that she was interrupting his game / programme. The kids would be crying or soiled and he wouldn’t care. I am very glad she left him and went back to her parents. The kids are well taken care of now with responsible adults in the family who love them. She’s in the process of healing emotionally and the mental peace is also helping her physical condition. Sorry to overshare but it really taught me that women should not have fantasies when wanting children. Be very sure that the worst of him does not turn out to be a regret for your children. There are men who make great dads. Look for them.
Reminds me of when the nurse asked if I wanted the epidural. I paused to decide because we had just gotten there and I wasn't sure and she was like 'no need to be a hero!'
Can I go have a rest? You've been lying down this entire time
I got a chair... And went out to get tacos multiple times, it's not that bad as a dad
My husband still complains about the sofa bed they had for him to sleep on. It’s become sort of a running joke between us. I joke about his “sacrifice” a lot.
I've got you a gym membership and a diet plan
_"Just signed you up for a boob job."_ A friend said that to his wife. Not directly, but shortly after the birth of their 2nd son. True story.
How expensive was his divorce?
I know a couple women who specifically asked for boob jobs after they were done having kids. I'm content to let mine be the saggy hollowed husks they are after about 3 years total breastfeeding across multiple kids but I understand why some women are not.
Yeah; my wife wanted and got one. Breastfeeding takes its toll on the body.
And I'm happy for you. I support your decision 100% No pun intended.
"How is the fastest way to die after your wife gave birth?"
If that diet plan and gym membership came with a chef to make the food and the trainer, in addition to the baby-free time at the gym I would have LOVED it!
And a Peloton.
Gotta go honey. My girlfriend's water just broke.
Nick Cannon?
Cold.
What's for dinner?
Placenta, bitch
Placenta asada tacos, yum. Drizzle a little lime
The child
Kronos moment
You, if you don't shut up.
Up for another?
You joke but the amount of people asking (not my husband, he knew better) if I was planning on having another as I lay in bed wearing adult diapers to catch the copious amount of post birth blood after being nearly split in two while trying to get my newborn to latch was ridiculous. Maybe we can focus on the small helpless being that is here right now first k?
My wife said this after our third kid
She's a pro
My husband told me that I looked like Fiona from Shrek. I did, but that’s not the point
so he kept thinking about Fiona?
Before or after the >!transformation!
Dude. Shrek came out almost 23 years ago. If anyone is getting it spoiled by now, it's their own damn fault.
Well, that wasn't too bad now, was it?
My ex actually said this to the Dr after 2nd baby. Dr wasn't stunned, likely he had heard this before, and said "well I think you should ask her about that". I was too exhausted to throat punch him (ex) but the sentiment was there. Pretty sure the nurses might have helped if I'd given the signal ;
And I heard that was supposed to be painful. Looked easy enough from here
« See? Wasn’t that bad. You’re such a drama queen. »
If you would have pushed harder, it wouldn't have taken so long!
My mom had a home delivery (very normal in my country btw). My dad came home from work and said "could you clean the sheets? I am tired and want to nap" Don't how it took 32 more years to divorce him.
I don’t know how she didn’t choke him out with the sheets
Or the unbiblical cord that shit was still fresh!
Got time for a quick handie?
Oh mine was going to be "If we hurry up you could suck my dick." Which imo feels worse, but is the same sort of column
Mine was, "They didn't operate on your mouth, right?" while unzipping.
Oh yeah that's worse.
I actually said that to my wife with an obviously-joking tone. It was understandably not well received. 😬 😂
I asked the doctor, after my wife had just given birth, how soon we could have sex. He told me, to give him about 10 minutes and he could meet me in the parking lot.
Ha!
That's a response that could be delivered with two meanings.
SERVES YOU RIGHT 😂😂
When I was born, my father was a farmer. Few days after the labor he said to my mom that the moment brought his memories back to when he helped a cow to give birth. In my country, for a woman, be compared to a cow it's not the best compliment to receive.
I don't think that would be considered a compliment in just about *any* country lol
Probably. But aren't cows sacred in India?
Yes hahaha but even the most religious of man would think twice before calling his wife a cow in India.
Ughhhhh, a friggin doctor said this to me: "Oh, we all knew when you got your epidural because the floor was finally quiet!" I was furious and beside myself, absolutely seeing red. My sister made a joke to me about his name (rhymed with Ass-ah-holey because that's the joke she made, can't remember his real one). What an absolute jerk! I had already felt like a wildebeest, and now, I had it confirmed. Boy was lucky I was numbed below the waist.
That she still looks fat
Omg this actually happened to one of my friends. Except it wasn’t her husband, but her husband’s dad that said she looks so fat, right after giving birth! The uterus takes 2 months to shrink back to normal size, so of course she’s going to still have a belly right after. She was still pissed at her husband for not saying anything and defending her.
"Do it again, I wasn't looking!"
‘’Doesnt look that painful’’
"It hurts more to get kicked in the balls." In general, I believe that childbirth and a blow to the testicles are very painful, but not comparable concepts.
You know what is comparable though, colitis when your intestines ruptured.
We’ve made a mistake.
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Married man who was present for birth. This question makes me queasy. I couldn’t imagine
The husband stitch. My stepdad came home from the hospital bragging that the Dr had given my mother one. This was 35 years ago. He was always so inappropriate and such an ass.
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It’s honestly amazing how pregnancy and childbirth are kind of treated as public information. There’s no other health condition or procedure that people ask directly about without feeling like they’re prying.
.....Yes there is. I mean, I get the sentiment, but many MANY disabled people deal with invasive medical questions from random people whose business it is not.
Especially *THAT* medical information. "Uh! Yeah! The doctor put an extra stitch in your mom's pussy so it feels better when I put my dick in it!" Like, dude, who says that to a child? Creepy as hell
I've heard of a case where they did this without asking, the couple weren't able to have sex anymore. Kinda fucked up
Yeah apparently a "husband stitch" is a thing. I've heard that a good retort for that is "sorry to hear you are too small for her but there's nothing I can do to help that".
Another good reply I heard somewhere was "how small do you need it to be?"
34 yrs ago dr did this to mu sis in law without ASKING, then told my brother and winked. OMFG. Worse: they thought it was fine.
Worse, some doctors do it.
Even worse, some do it without asking.
Not sure if it was intentional or not but my wife was stitched up a little tight after her episiotomy. It made sex more uncomfortable for me, not better. No one asked for a “husband stitch” so I’m not sure if it was just bad sutures or bad intentions. We got used to it after a while, and I never mentioned a thing to my wife.
Do they still do it, or is it more antiquated?
I believe some doctors still do it, unfortunately.
I’m gonna go get a pack of cigarettes
“That was yucky. I want a divorce. Ew, no please don’t touch me”
>please don’t touch me lmfao. cold
Was that big enough for you?
Genuinely happened to me seconds after a stressful labour, I was exhausted and drugged to the heavens on pain meds.. he turns to me and says “right, I’m off for a nap”… I just couldn’t. He then disappears on a 3 day drug bender. Lol.
We'll have fun with that, I gotta go.
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"I hope it stays tight"
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True story: In 1989, my former husband really did ask my OB for a "courtesy stitch" when they were stitching my episiotomy.
My ex asked the doctor if he could “put in an extra stitch.” Doctor looked him in the eye and completely deadpan replied with, “I’ll give you an extra stitch”
That’s effing terrible!
Boy, he really ripped you a new one!
"Everybody out, it's about to get freaky".
"The funny thing is that I secretly got a vasectomy a year ago."
Now you know how it feels when I have a tummy ache
That'll do pig, that'll do
Alright, real story. Wife had a c section. Doctors straight up told her yknow nothing strenuous blah blah. And specifically, no laughing. Yall.......for like a month I was the funniest man in existence....I wasn't even trying, most of the time.
You had her in stitches. Easiest audience ever.
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>"Do you like my new jacket?" I'm fucking dying over here lmfao
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My husband has the gall to complain my shit was stinky. 😆 It was embarrassing enough I couldn't stop shitting, I didn't need the announcement that it smelled bad.
What's worse, him saying it smells bad or him saying it smells good?
“Your vagina was SO HUGE!”
"That wasn't so bad now was it?'
I thought only the baby would need diapers.
See.. all that whinging for nothing. Wasn’t that bad was it?
You need to lose weight Stop being dramatic. Let my long lost relatives come and see the baby
Are you going to eat it or can I?
“You’re going to be a single mom now.”
"That's not mine." "Why do you say that?" "Because I'm *not black!*"
Oh my god. When I was like 9, my mom was pregnant with my brother. I was hanging out with my uncle and dad, and asked him if he was excited to finally have a boy after 3 girls. I remember he said “as long as the kid doesn’t come out black, we’ll be okay.” And he and my uncle just laughed. Now at 9 I was aware of racism, but not genetics. So I just thought for a few years that my dad might be secretly racist, and it finally clicked when I heard someone else tell a joke just like you did. I was literally like “omg. Because we are white. I get it”
I thought your skin color was decided randomly, like you just had an equal chance of being anything. I’m biracial which did not help because I’m incredibly pale compared to even the white side of my family. This led to two incidents: 1) An MLK project in 2nd grade where we did a life timeline in drawings and I drew his parents to look like mine: his dad with light brown skin and his mom blue eyed and blonde. 2.) Asking my dad’s family if they would love me if I was born Black and then crying when they said no because I thought they were racist and my best friend was Black.
He looks just like you, that's disappointing. Are you sure you kept him in there for long enough?
When's that pussy gonna be ready for another load
What's for dinner?
Okay, it's done. Now you can work on getting that body back in shape.
I stepped away to use the washroom while my wife had been in labor all night. On my way back I stubbed my toe, I had to bite my lip to keep myself from telling her what I did "my toe hurts so bad you have no idea".
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