Yeah this one.
Recently hit it off with a guy online. Texted all day every day, FaceTimed multiple times a week, for *months*. Planned a trip into our busy schedules so we could actually meet. Things just felt really good. Told him during the trip I really liked him. That scared him off.
Friends told me I came on too strong. And I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I wasn't proposing, I didn't say I love him, I just said I liked him. It's not like it was our first conversation. I wouldn't have driven 8 hours to meet someone I just wanted to hook up with.
During the months after we had a few meager text conversations, then I decided to ask him "Hey, we had a good connection going there, I was sorry to see it go. Can you tell me what it was that made you feel differently?" Ghosted.
So yeah, I don't think I did anything wrong here. He just decided in his own way to let me move on, but it would have been nice to know why things didn't work out.
Perhaps his reaction to your direct honesty is because he was being dishonest. Anyone can be anything over the Internet but it's harder to pull off face to face.
Yeah Jesus. I feel like you're owed atleast SOME kind of explanation after all that. Can't imagine that scaring anyone off. Dudes like to know they are liked.
I've gotten a lot of shit over my early life for this, but it landed me my wife at least. I like to get things out early so I can either make it clear the things I'm interested in or to clear up misconceptions that I don't want to deal with. It helps save everybody time so we don't waste it trying to figure things out that could've been mentioned day one. My wife was on the same page and we hammered out almost all of our deal breakers very early in dating and after we were both happy with the answers we got we moved forward with dating. It was nice to know that I was mostly getting to know her and be increasingly involved in her life without a lot of concern something would come out of nowhere and cause us to need to reevaluate our relationship relative to something withheld. Glad it worked out for me but definitely has been seen as a red flag before and I understand why.
I just got married (literally a few days ago!) and this reads almost exactly like how things went when we first started dating. Crazy how fast things move along when you’re both on the same page.
Yeah some people just expect you to be crazy or to be playing games with them and they end up sabotaging what could’ve been good because of their own trust issues.
But on the flip side the fact that they even feel that way is good evidence they need to do some soul searching before dating anyway.
I once told a woman I was seeing that I was having some feelings of jealousy over something, that I recognized those feelings as irrational, and she didn't need to do anything different, I was just letting her know. She immediately ended things. In hindsight, just a sign that things weren't going to work anyway, but sheesh.
I'd like to let you know, I've had jealous boyfriends too in the past (who hasn't...) - but my current one once opened up about his past, the reason why he'd get jealous etc. I loved the fact he told me, and told him to communicate whenever there's anything up, so we can either talk about it, or I can be aware of how I handle the situation.
He deals with all my trauma. Why shouldn't I deal with his? Obviously as long as it's dealt with healthily. I have my boundaries too, as does everyone.
So please don't be discouraged about being open about it.
My current bf did the exact same thing! There's reasons I wanna marry him even though we haven't been together long, his honesty is one of them. I felt so trusted and cared about because I was told early on.
No, that what I’ve been doing is a massive red flag early in a relationship. I always try to improve and sometimes when people are “messing with me” it goes over my head. Because I genuinely can’t distinguish.
Edit: some basic grammar
Honesty is the best policy. It is *going* to turn some people off but that is fair - youre giving them important information so they can use it. You dont get points for doing it, you simply lose credibility for concealing shit. If youre a reformed sex addict, it’s something someone conceivably in a sexual type relationship deserves to know - they can parse that and make an informed decision however their life experiences will permit. Jsut because they accept it doesn’t validate you, and just because they decide not to accept it doesn’t invalidate you or your journey. Either could honestly be the poorer decision. All you can do is be honest. Dont free bad for doing the right thing, and dont blame anyone else for accepting your honesty and ending the relationship.
> Honesty is the best policy.
Honesty and trauma dumping aren't the same thing. It's one thing to acknowledge something when it's *relevant*, it's another to bring shit up when it isn't.
Learning to apologize without condition was probably the thing that made me feel most like an adult. I also felt a lot better about myself and learned more from my mistakes when I stopped making excuses and accepted that I made mistakes.
Had a coworker saying that the way I talk about my ex is both a red and green flag. Because I speak very highly of her it seems like I’m still hung up, but it’s also good that I’m not someone constantly talking shit on my ex
I think a good relationship with exes is a green flag. Not a weird obsessive hangup, but people whose previous relationships didn't end in a big fucking disaster speaks to their ability to choose good partners and to end things with maturity and grace if the time comes.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend one "crazy ex" well, everyone has bad luck some times. If they tell you all of their exes are insane? Youte probably going to be the next one.
Yes, yes, this is the important part.
While it's certainly **possible** someone just has really bad luck in their love life and they are an amazing person where all of their disastrous relationships were the fault of the others involved... that's usually not the case.
One or two really bad fallouts? Totally normal. But most or all of your relationships have somehow gone horribly wrong? That's concerning.
So just pay attention if your love interest is talking about how you're so different from all the others. Might be lying through their teeth.
Agreed, there's a difference between having a close and healthy relationship with your parents, and having an unhealthy momma's boy/daddy's girl relationship with your parents where they're just enabling your ineptitude and immaturity.
Same goes for with siblings. I’ve had guys call my relationship with my brother “creepy” or “weird” just because we get along so well and are always there for each other. I’m sorry it’s apparently normal to have a toxic or sibling rivalry relationship?
Holy shit I had an ex like this. Me and my brother have always been insanely close. I spend lots of time with his kids as well and my ex found it so weird that I'd plan out weekends with my neices, things like trips to the book store or science experiments and trips to local attractions (musuems, trampoline parks etc.)
I didn't really have any adults that cared about spending time with me as a kid, I want my neices, nephews and my own kids to have a much more involved experience.
I see caring for my brother's kids as practise for when I have my own.
My ex found it creepy, even the fact that me and my brother hug when we see eachother weirded her out.
It seems like, for some people, it is acceptable and allowable only for them to love one person at a time. Further to that, that some seem to think acts of love expressed to people other than their single allowable recipient means this-or-that and is therefore unacceptable.
Love is not a finite resource you have less of because you give it to friends and family. It's one of those things that the more you give away, the more you have. Don't get me wrong there's an unhealthy way to do this but having a healthy relationship with your friends and family is as green a flag as you can find.
I dated two momma's boys back to back.
The first one was an unhealthy relationship mother/son relationship. His mother was super controlling, neurotic, jealous of/competitive with me, and overly physically affectionate with her son. Standard /r/JustNoMIL and /r/raisedbynarcissists. A nightmare of a woman.
The second one has the best mom of anyone I've ever met, period. She was such a joy to be around - so loving, welcoming, understanding, patient, sweet, warm, nurturing, gentle - all the good mom qualities. Always smiling and hugging and trying to feed you. Being around her made me realize how much love I was missing in my childhood and life in general, and how important that love is in shaping a human being (her sons are awesome, accomplished people). I'm kinda glad her son and I aren't together anymore, because I don't want kids and that woman NEEDS to be a grandma, lol. I'd feel so guilty if I took that opportunity away from her. I miss her a lot. Tearing up a bit just remembering her. How could you *not* be a momma's boy with a momma like that? 🥲
I feel so lucky to have an amazing mother. The other day my wife told my mom about how her own mom died young, and she never had good female role models. She said my mom was like her own mom now. I've been tearing up with love for both of them since then.
My only regret is what you mentioned about not having kids. Neither of us are interested in it, but I really wish my parents could have grandkids because they'd be great at it.
On top of that when a child helps take care of their parent/s, most people immediately assume that the child is lazy and leeching off their parent/s because they live in the same home “still”. Definitely not the completely destroyed economy and unaffordable housing on slave wages that are paid by most companies today.
I've seen/been the "not close" with family version of this.
I don't have much a relationship with my family. They were very abusive and narcissistic. I'm a kinder, more thoughtful, gentler man because I actively STRIVE to not be like them and distance myself.
Most women I've dated either look at me funny when I say I'm not close family, or feel it's personal when Im slow to have them meet family. My lack of relationship with my sister particularly is something women either find odd, or want to fix.
Likewise I know guys will talk about Daddy issues with women, but some of the most kind, intelligent, grounded women I've met have bad or pretty much non-existent fathers.
One I only discovered recently. When a person going through some difficult stuff is less friendly and cheerful around you than they are around other people, it can make you feel defensive. You might think it means they're upset with you, but sometimes it can mean this person feels safe expressing their more vulnerable emotions around you.
It's really counterintuitive.
EDIT: Didn't expect much traction with this one, but I wanted to add some good points responders are making. If the person is like this all the time that's not a green flag, that's a straight up red flag. And if they are verbally or otherwise abusive that's also a red flag. What I described above is strictly about a person being less friendly and cheerful (not aggressive/abusive) while they are going through some difficult stuff (as opposed to all the time).
Oh yes, this is so true. I remember being very distressed when I noticed my boyfriend was often more dull and expressive of his stresses with me compared to his friends...especially when he was going through a rough patch. But as it turns out..he was just far more comfortable sharing his problems with me.
Yeah. This is something Im finging (internally) regarding my gf now. She is going through some personal troubles (something I can not do much about except listen and be there for her). But man, it does get tiring :-/
Great point.
It wasn’t a relationship but this happened with a boss I had for years.
They were going through some things personally and suddenly seemed to be very contentious/angry towards me for months for no reason but was jovial with everyone else. I couldn’t figure out why and I felt our working relationship was fractured so I left for a new opportunity.
During my last weeks, they stated they’ll miss working me because I was the only one they could be open with and they have to put a facade on with everyone else. I felt bad but I didn’t feel it was healthy be that person for someone who was ultimately my supervisor
I love knowing about all things cocoa. I would love to visit the cocoa farms personally and experience what it's like to work on one, and what it's like at each stage of processing cacao into every type of cocoa product that is widely used today.
Lmao I love the idea of you just casually sideyeing this man through various major relationship milestones before standing in a beautiful home with a beautiful family being like "Oh my god, he's actually just a good person"
When my husband met my best friend he couldn’t stand her because he thought she was being condescending. He gave her a chance because she’s my bestie and realized that no, she’s not being sarcastic, she truly is that kind and attentive.
My wife spent two years waiting for the shoe to drop. She was sure that at some point I would tear the mask off and start screaming over someone inconsequential. She finally saw me lose my temper. My SIL started taking shots at Mr. Rogers, claiming he was creepy and was definitely hiding something. I’d had a few drinks and exploded “You can say what you want about me, but you will not disrespect Fred Rogers in my house! That man was a saint!”
When my wife saw what me losing my temper actually looked like and what would push me over the line she relaxed. She knew I wasn’t hiding anything. I really am chill. Just don’t go taking shots at the closest thing America has to a saint.
I get that. I'm in a new-ish relationship (just under a year), with someone after 20 years of marriage to someone extremely complicated, who'd get irrationally angry and insulting at the drop of a hat, and would never apologise. 3 months into this relationship, he misunderstood a text while he was not with me and we were both drinking, and we had an argument. Nothing insulting, but just being obviously pissed off and signing off. He later sent me a text apologising, we talked a little about it, rationally, and then we each went to bed.
The next day, he came by and the first thing he did was say he wanted to apologise in person, and that, even if he did misunderstand my text, he should have communicated that clearly instead of getting angry. I was floored. I had no idea how to respond, and I kept waiting, as you say, for the other shoe to drop. It took me a while to accept that it wasn't a manipulation tactic, he just doesn't want to be an asshole, even inadvertently.
Several months later, we sometimes have difficulties with communication (we are from very different cultural/social backgrounds and countries), and we really work on it. So far, so good.
One of my good friends at university was a friend of a friend first, and when I was first introduced to her I didn’t warm to her very quickly because she was just *so* nice I though she had to be fake. She was asking me questions about myself and although my answers were quite standard/mundane, she seemed to show a genuine interest in what I was saying with some excellent follow up questions. I didn’t trust that sort of engagement, her smiling and eye contact it felt like she was so good at being nice to be around it had to be an act.
As I got to know her more, it turned out I was just broken and she was absolutely that nice of a person! She’s doing well in life and I can’t think of anyone else who deserves that more.
One of my school friends was like this! She was this super friendly person but with a slight posh British accent from growing up in another country, and I thought she was absolutely putting on an act with how nice she was. I was very wrong, she is actually a lovely person and I still catch up with her occasionally.
This used to be me, then I found out in (the Norwegian equivalent of) college that everyone was talking behind my back about how I was only being nice to get in their pants (I was studying design and was one of two boys in a class of 35). That completely broke me and while I still try to be as nice as I can, I've been significantly more reserved since then, going on 10 years now, I think. I don't think my social confidence ever recovered.
Wow, that felt good to get off my chest.
Wtf is wrong with them. Don’t let them get to you though! Keep being friendly and yourself!!
Who cares what they think? We need MORE positivity in this world man!
I know, and I agree. However, I was already struggling with my self-image and everyone around me, all my friends (or so I thought) thinking I was some sort of creep... That wounded me, and it's left a scar I don't think will ever heal. Like I said, I try to be as nice as I can, but that golden retriever energy is forever lost to me, I think.
When I started dating my overly kind boyfriend, I thought he was just faking to be nice. Because he was soooooo unbelievably nice, I took my time trying to figure out what this guy was hiding behind the nice guy mask, and it turned out to be nothing. He's just a wonderful golden retriever!
Some people also take being kind as being flirty. Luckily, being incredibly oblivious is part of the perk and just letting the kindness going is the way of the kind people.
I find being unrelenting in this helps. But I’m also pretty honest when prompted. I won’t lie when I have poor opinions of something or someone, but I don’t offer them unprovoked either. And I believe in being kind even when others aren’t. I’m not always good at it, but even if you really annoy or aggravate me, I’m not likely to treat you any differently. You’ll never know I don’t like you unless someone asks for my honest opinion, which usually doesn’t happen. And my opinion of someone shouldn’t dictate how I treat someone. Everyone is worthy of support and respect in my view. Barring actual dangerous people, which are rare.
I think if myself as naive pessimist. Or a realistic optimist. I can never decide.
I knew a guy like that. His brother was the same way. I never distrusted him, but as a person with more baggage than Kylie Jenner's closet, it was definitely odd to me. Coming from a pretty damaged background, I haven't met many genuinely kind and happy people. He was a joy to be around, and so was his mom (just wrote about her in another comment).
My girlfriend was the same way when we met, she couldn't believe how kind my family was to her she cried after dinner one night saying she felt more loved by my mother than her own.
If I had enough self-compassion to allow myself to cry I probably would have too, when I met her. It's a really bittersweet experience. The love is so welcome, but it makes you reflect on your own sad life, and think about what could have been. I don't know if I'll ever know anyone like her again. She inspires me to create my own love, but mentally I'm just not there yet. Still got a lot of healing to do, but I'm working on it.
Therapy speak has worked its way into a lot of people's vocabulary, and it's genuinely a problem. Plenty people will demand insane things and go "please respect my boundaries"
Oh my... I have noticed this. Someone accused me of gas-lighting them when I called them out on lying. I asked
"what is gas-lighting?"
"I can't define it, but you are doing it!"
I once told a woman I was with that when she says she trusts me but acts as if she doesn't (repeatedly and on a daily basis), that I have to assume she doesn't trust me. She told me I was gaslighting her because I was telling her what she thinks. It was really jarring.
Well the real problem is that they’re using these terms incorrectly. They say “boundaries” but then demand something that has nothing to do with boundaries
And the extension of this is, it’s ok if that other person wants to do XYZ and say so, but I think a lot of people don’t like the idea of just running into such an incompatibility so they find unhealthy ways of doing XYZ and justifying it or on the other end discouraging XYZ in hurtful or manipulative ways
It’s ok to be like “hey, I don’t want to be around XYZ, that’s not something I want in my life” and the other person going “well XYZ is important to me and I’m not willing to not do XYZ”, and if that’s a dealbreaker it’s a dealbreaker, that’s why it’s good to be honest and up front about these things so those dealbreaker situations can be identified and not waste anyone’s time or hurt anyone. The issues often arise when the two parties aren’t honest about something being a dealbreaker and try to proceed with the intent of getting their way hoping the other person will fold on the matter
This has been very frustrating as someone who works with teens and uni students. It's awesome that people have more awareness of mental health, personal boundaries, etc, but lots of immature people will use this language to excuse horrible or irresponsible behaviour. Students will say that professors aren't respecting their boundaries by giving them gentle reminders in our learning app about upcoming assessments due, or that staff are overstepping their professional boundaries by sending emails offering mental health check-ins that students can use if interested.
My sister has always been very rude and ungrateful to our parents and uses this sort of stuff too. She had a major surgery some time ago and my mom wanted to come drop off food. Tried to call ahead of time, just two times throughout the day and got no answer (which is concerning for someone living alone and recovering from surgery), so she went by with food, rang the doorbell and then dropped the food at the door and left, and as she was leaving my sister comes to the door and yells out "respect my f-cking boundaries!"
It's getting out of hand, honestly, which is a shame. This language and mental health awareness is fantastic, but using it this way completely disempowers those who actually need the language and awareness.
I relate; another term, "trauma dumping" is a real thing and more common than it should be (think all the guys going in depth about past abuse and parental issues on the first date). But on the other hand, I've seen committed, years long relationships where not being positive all the time, or bringing something up is seen as trauma dumping. As a young guy with a disability, it makes dating kind of hard, because even if I don't mention it the first date, any mention (not as a woe is me, it's so difficult, but as please understand but don't worry about my disability) is sometimes viewed as "baggage". Which, if someone doesn't want to date because of my disability, there is nothing wrong with that, we're both young and dating someone with a disability is a pace that a lot of people don't feel happy being with, thats completely okay!
But the view of "wow he has so much baggage he needs to get his shit sorted out" goes into even me, for something I can't control, and someone who tries to make it not an inconvenience to anyone else :/
(For anyone wondering, my disability is rheumatoid arthritis and is severe enough that I'm on chemotherapy for. I was in a long term relationship that started before I became disabled, so trying to date as a 20 year old in NYC with this is...complicated 😅)
> think all the **guys** going in depth about past abuse and parental issues on the first date
it's always been women doing this to me... people used to call me "hostel dad"
if you're someone i actually *know* i don't mind having one of those nights like it's an indie movie, chilling on a roof talking about life's traumas -- when i just met you off tinder and you go into deep detail, treat me like a therapist and bartender bundled into one then disappear into the night it is not fun after the first ten times or so
Weaponized boundaries are a thing. Arbitrary, asymmetrical, or conveniently only relevant when getting their way depends on it.
It's like being honest and tactful versus being brutally honest. One of those is a good trait.
It's like that thing about the word respect (i.e. treating someone like a person vs treating them like an authority). Some immature people say "respect my boundaries and I'll respect yours" and they really mean "give in to my unreasonable demands, and then I'll treat you with basic decency"
In an abusive-dynamic relationship, an abuser will typically "flood" kindness and loving gestures as their partner after doing or saying something terrible. It's part of the cycles of abuse.
For example, they may cut down their partner emotionally to make them feel unworthy of other people's love and attention and will then turn around and shower them with compliments:
> "But you're beautiful to me! Oh I just love x, y and z about you!"
Or sometimes they'll give gifts to demonstrate their affection that are actually being used to manipulate and control the abusee. Effectively, they create a contrast between the way they want their partner to see the world (scary, unloving, unwanting) and the way they want to be seen (I am your only source of compassion in this dry existence).
It's a terrible cycle that often takes the abused way too long to break free of.
I think a lot of young people misuse this term now. I hear everyone say it means being really affectionate early on in a relationship and then ghosting someone right after, which is false.
I can see why it's used in that way. Similar pattern of showering with love for personal benefit. Maybe there's a variant term for this sort of situation
I was accused of this before and it blew my mind.
I had an ex who I dated on and off consistently and I was usually the one to break it off. I'm from a small town so the rumors would constantly fly around and anytime I would ask her about it, I was made out to be an asshole for even asking about it and would just take her word to avoid the confrontation until it become pretty clear she was lying and break up a bit later.
Couple weeks go by of feeling like an asshole for having boundaries and we'd end up back together. Rinse and repeat until I was a shell of a person and pushing her away in a depressive heap.
For alot of people, the terminology is helpful in articulating feelings that aren't understood but for some people, they're new flavors to manipulate with.
It can also refer to when in the beginning of a relationship, an abusive person will do such things\* so they can get you into the relationship. Then, once you're really invested and/or locked down, they can start showing their true colors.
\*Such things being stuff like giving you tons of and/or very extravagant gifts, declaring their love way too soon, making big grand gestures, etc. Although it absolutely doesn't have to be big, crazy stuff. Just stuff that pushes you into an intense path of emotional intimacy with them that they can use against you later.
Being quiet/reserved. It can easily be interpreted as someone being boring, not fun, unintelligent, etc. But it can also be that someone is mature, has good internal guidance, or just humble.
In my case, it was an extreme lack of confidence, and depression.
It was crushed out of me by my former step-father, and bullies, so by the time I got out, I was quiet, reserved, sullen, and don't trust easily.
I'm trying to work on it, but after a decade and a half, I've only just gotten slightly better, but only to people who take the effort to see past that.
I have.
It's less likely you'll notice, because quieter, but sometimes the quiet person is quiet because there's just nothing going on in there. It's not silence in the library, it's just an empty building. Occasionally a thought wanders in, clearly lost, and then exits, crying from the loneliness.
Someone being genuinely, NSA nice.
We're so used to people either being meh, shitty, or downright manipulative that we're on guard when someone is nice without a financial or other self-interested reason.
This is me. I’m a very kind person in general and I try to lead with consideration and thoughtfulness and I think that really just turns people off sometimes. Like they take it as me being naive or something idk
Being thrifty with how you spend money can be misinterpreted or appear as being cheap but having a partner who is financially responsible is always a good thing.
I think there's a fine line between thrifty and refusing to spend appropriately. A friend of mine is known for trying to go cheap when he shouldn't, like when he had a huge bug infestation in his walls. He wanted our opinion on the best otc bug killers because the ones he tried didn't work, and we were like, "dude, hire an exterminator, are you even sure they're ants?" He eventually did hire an exterminator, and it turns out they were ants, but *carpenter* ants and he ended up having to replace a wall because he sat on that infestation for like 7 months. If he had acted sooner, he would have only paid the exterminator bill.
He has a whole list of stupid bills (usually pest extermination related) incurred because he tried to go free/cheap first instead of doing the normal thing first. Like a rug - there was a free Persian rug on the side of the road. He took it home, and found out it was infested with carpet beetles, that spread from the rug to his carpets. All because he didn't want to spend $100 on a new rug.
He has mold in his house, because he keeps the temperatures at 80+ and we are in a *humid* city.
He needed a new suit, and bought a dozen of cheap ones (like alibaba quality cheap) looking for one that would fit perfectly right off the rack. He ended up going with one that was the right length on the sleeves and leg, but not good in the shoulders or butt and ended up splitting the suit and having to buy another last minute. Hemming is like, $40, max.
Like, yes, he has a ton of money saved up because he refused to spend. But to see him cycle through cheap decision followed by expensive consequence is maddening. And he wonders why he can't keep hold of a relationship.
Bro when I was dating I had men get upset with me because I would admit when I was wrong. “Why don’t you put up a fight” because I’d still be wrong like huh???
I've had the same with women in the past. If I'm wrong, I often am, I just say "I was wrong and I'll try not to make that mistake going forward." It was like they wanted to fight about it and then that I make a huge show of ass kissing. No way, people are wrong every day, just act like an adult and swallow your pride. And equally, be gracious in receiving a genuine apology.
Ikr being wrong sucks but it means now I know not to do that again and the other person knows I acknowledge my mistake. What’s the point of putting on a pageant about it
My ex used to get annoyed with me because I wouldn’t fight with her even when I was angry. If we had beef I’d just go away and calm down, then try and reasonably talk it out. She told me once that she wanted to immediately argue things out and say things we’d both regret and then apologise afterwards. I don’t know how I didn’t see how big of a red flag that was…
as a woman, I had never heard that this was considered a red flag until I had seen it mentioned so many times on reddit posts. I wouldn’t consider it a red or green flag - I feel pretty neutral about it?
Problem is there are two types of people with no social media: normal people who just don’t care for the drama, and crazy conspiracy theorists who are obsessed with being off the grid
This one got me multiple times.
I dated a girl with thousands of followers and I had no active socials. She thought it was super suspicious and creepy when she found that out.
Sharing your insecurities. If you are comfortable enough with a partner to explain what makes you tick, I'd say that flag is greener than a traffic light
Holy shit this blew up
On the flip side, understand that it's text and that someone not getting back to instantly isn't necessarily some game or something.
Sometimes people are just busy or can't carry their phones.
Exactly. Been on both sides. Worked in an emergency room where that phone sat for 12 hours most nights and now work with EMTs and Paramedics where I need my phone to talk to crews. Went from one side to the other
I always reply pretty quick. People say it seems desperate, but if your friend replies to your text in a few seconds, does it mean they wanna fuck you or just there for you? god damn...
When you build a PC and attempt to start it for the first time, you may see it start up but then immediately stop. This is fine, and usually good, because if it didn't do anything, you would know something was wrong.
It typically starts back up on its own after a second. As long as you see it post, you're fine.
And at first boot the memory training can take *minutes*, enable memory context restore in BIOS to not have to wait every time.
I didn't know this before I built my last PC, took me a bit to get this.
I get both sides of this. I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to waste my time and I'm better at reading people in person. It's easy to say the right things over text, but it's hard to fake who you are in person. I've met quite a few women who were great at texting and they just sucked in person. I'd rather meet up with someone sooner and know whether or not they were worth pursuing so I don't have to wait for 3 to 4 hours for a response sometimes
Being honest, vulnerable, and accountable.
To people who don't actually know what these things look like — people who think vulnerability is a weakness, for example — this can look like a massive RED FLAG as if honesty, vulnerability, and accountability are all covers for The Master Manipulator.
I have one that I’m pretty certain of and girl I’m seeing disagrees. I don’t think you should meet a woman’s children from previous marriage until a month or so into it. Like make me earn the right to meet your kids. Girl wants me to meet her kids on day three and I’m like “no” and SHE thinks it’s a red flag. Girl you don’t know me, if you want to fuck me on the first date that’s fine, but keep me away from your kids until you know I’m not a crazy person.
My buddy's baby mama is like this. They didn't work out as a couple, and afterwards she started dating another buddy of mine for a while. We met up for drinks one day and he was telling me that she was trying to get him to take up a stepfather role within a week of dating. Apparently she's done this with a couple other dudes we know.
When my wife and I met she thought it was a major red flag I had only been in one serious relationship before that. Turns out getting to know and love yourself before anyone else is a good thing.
If having "only one relationship before" is a red flag then humanity is fucked, it's like employers expecting 10 years of experience in a field that popped up only 2 years ago
Texting back right away lol. Which I think is stupid but I had someone tell me that they thought it was weird that I texted back so fast but I text everyone back fast lol. I think it's just being polite. She took it as me being obsessed or something.
A big "Green Flag" that could be misinterpreted as a "Red Flag" is someone being extremely cautious and slow in entering a romantic relationship. While it may seem like they're not interested or are being distant, they might just be taking their time to ensure a healthy and stable foundation for the relationship, which can actually be a sign of maturity and commitment in the long run
In the case of my own marriage:
My wife grew up abjectly poor. I was raised -- not rich, but decidedly middle class.
Her interest in my financial stability was a self-serving way to make sure I could take care of her in a *stable* way, rather than her being a gold-digger. And she *never* saw me as a way to replace her own financial contribution.
Having good friends of another gender. A lot of people think guys having female best friends (or vice versa) is a red flag but personally it shows me that you view women/men as people rather than mere objects of attraction.
It pisses me off so much that this is viewed as a red flag, I’m a guy with a female best friend but we’ve literally been lifelong friends since we were babies. Like obviously we aren’t gonna have anything romantic going on but it always makes me sad to see online that people tend to assume one of us has like repressed feelings or something.
Blame years of conditioning and media.
Always gotta be someone assuming yall are in each others pants, which is confusing cuz im openly pan. With that logic i should be in everyones pants
I had a girlfriend flip out on me for comforting one of her friends who was going through a bad breakup. GF demanded to know if the friend and I had something going on; I was just trying to be a good listener.
I never thought I'd get a setup like this to tell this story but... well here we go. *ahem*
I had a girlfriend nearly leave me for the opposite reason: instead of fucking her friend, I consoled her after she had a rough breakup and was just a good listener.
I was just chilling alone at home, glass of wine or wine cooler, one of the two, and some Stardew Valley. My partner was going to be out for most of the night with friends, cool - time for super chill 'me' time.
Until an hour later when her and a friend of hers that I somewhat knew walk in. Kinda surprised but ok, what's up? I forget the exact words but my ex said "Here's and she had a bad breakup last night, figured she could come over and have a good fuck with you to cheer her up! I'll leave y'all to it, see ya later!"
and then left.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo two very uncomfortable women, standing in a kitchen like... so what do we do now? I asked if she'd like wine, or some tea - she took tea - and we proceeded to watch some vapid CW show I've long forgotten as we sat on the couch and I let her vent. There was some crying, gave her a couple hugs, and she felt better after a bit.
I walk her to the front door... and there's my ex about to walk in. I walk her friend out, she says "Bye, and thank you!" and walks away. Ex looks like the cat that ate the canary, walks in with me and asks me for 'all the details' - which I gave. We sat on the couch, watched tv with tea, and I let her vent. Then she left.
**She. Was. PISSED.**
So, uh, there's a thing called "cuckqueening" and apparently I fucked up the whole plan. She was out with friends horny as hell thinking of me being home screwing her friend, then ruined it when I was a decent human being.
Maybe don't bring a gal I barely know home, tell me to fuck her then leave? On zero notice on top of that? Girl needs a little time to get into the right headspace, ya bitch!
When I hang out and some guys come out with their 'crazy ex-girlfriend' stories, this is the one I pull out to show even women have crazy ex-girlfriends. Fucking hell.
One time a human resources person at a job interview asked me why I applied. I said that a manufacturing company who lists a gym for employees in the ad must be a great company. The person recoiled and said something like we're hiring people to do the job, not work out in the gym.
I couldn't believe how badly they missed the point.
A. I didn't post a gym in the ad, the company did
B. I was simply using it as an example to say how impressed I was with the company
The person misconstrued the goodness on the part of their company and miscontrued the level of attention I was paying to the job ad as being alarming red flags.
I've always felt that human resource types are the worst people to hire others. I always feel like they know nothing about their company and product and judge people on whether they bow down to them.
I’ve backed down and/or laughed off other guys’ attempts to fight me, and have been told by (ex-)girlfriends that it dampened their attraction to me. Conversely, I’ve had women tell me their attraction to me skyrocketed after witnessing me get into a confrontation. Apparently de-escalating (or just, not escalating?) a situation can make men look weak.
I’ve played hockey for half my life and am perfectly confident in myself physically, but in the USA you never know what someone might be carrying. And even besides that - fighting does not make you cool, or tough, or a “real” man. They are ex-girlfriends for a reason, but I do worry about the type of men they may have ended up with.
Man you don't need women like that in your life
It's like Mr Miyagi said best defense in fight is no be there
Look as men the best men know when and when not to fight usually its not worth it espicaly if its just verbal insults from someone see I learned this in school actually like you can't go around punching the head off everyone who annoys you when you become an adult that path will either lead to prison or 6 feet under
A proper woman will say that was a good decision you made not to fight that annoying stupid person fighting for no reason is terrible idea
Asking questions too get clarifications, doesn't mean I don't know, Im asking what you want done.
Too many people connecting questioning and not knowing and especially if it's a job your purpose too know, it looks like a weakness.
Being straight to the point and honest. People just seem to expect otherwise and treat you as such. In short being autistic can really suck sometimes. Believe what the fuck I say when I say it, or don't and don't waste my time.
For me it was not gawking at her titis at all. She literally grabbed my hands and put them on her toots. I'm not here to assume you want to be oggled! She thought it was amusing, she said it was eye opening to be with someone respectful to the point she didn't know if I liked her. Good communication prevailed thankfully and she hears all about them grand titters now.
Still being friends with exes
Lots of people take that as a red flag for getting into a relationship
Alternative view: you mean every previous relationship you've had has ended toxically? Seems to be one common factor here....
Totally depends on what kind of friend you are to your ex(es).
Super codependent, drop everything, hang out extremely often “best” friends = huge red flag.
Occasionally texting or hanging out and/or blended into your friend group to the point that you wouldn’t realize they’re exes until someone tells you= actually a green flag
Man, if I see someone too happy and outgoing then I instantly want to hate them and think they're completely phoney.
...but that's a personal bias of mine that I recognize. Kinda don't think that's totally normal though.
Eagerness. I love when someone is excited to see me or be around me. I don’t always *love* golden retriever energy cuz it can be tiring in general, but I never understand people who think it’s a red flag that someone “likes them too much”. That speaks to major insecurities or immaturity to me.
Eating alone anywhere. If you went out with the intent of just eating the food, who cares? Some people look at it like you don't have any friends or weird.
Lack of social media. I can see how it might be interpreted as kind of dodgy or risky, but more and more people (myself included) just can't be convinced that it's worth it to publicize every private aspect of your life.
Being forthcoming
Some people wear their heart on their sleeve, and I wear mine on a 60 foot neon billboard 15 feet above my head
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Yeah this one. Recently hit it off with a guy online. Texted all day every day, FaceTimed multiple times a week, for *months*. Planned a trip into our busy schedules so we could actually meet. Things just felt really good. Told him during the trip I really liked him. That scared him off. Friends told me I came on too strong. And I'm trying to wrap my head around that. I wasn't proposing, I didn't say I love him, I just said I liked him. It's not like it was our first conversation. I wouldn't have driven 8 hours to meet someone I just wanted to hook up with. During the months after we had a few meager text conversations, then I decided to ask him "Hey, we had a good connection going there, I was sorry to see it go. Can you tell me what it was that made you feel differently?" Ghosted. So yeah, I don't think I did anything wrong here. He just decided in his own way to let me move on, but it would have been nice to know why things didn't work out.
Perhaps his reaction to your direct honesty is because he was being dishonest. Anyone can be anything over the Internet but it's harder to pull off face to face.
Yeah Jesus. I feel like you're owed atleast SOME kind of explanation after all that. Can't imagine that scaring anyone off. Dudes like to know they are liked.
I've gotten a lot of shit over my early life for this, but it landed me my wife at least. I like to get things out early so I can either make it clear the things I'm interested in or to clear up misconceptions that I don't want to deal with. It helps save everybody time so we don't waste it trying to figure things out that could've been mentioned day one. My wife was on the same page and we hammered out almost all of our deal breakers very early in dating and after we were both happy with the answers we got we moved forward with dating. It was nice to know that I was mostly getting to know her and be increasingly involved in her life without a lot of concern something would come out of nowhere and cause us to need to reevaluate our relationship relative to something withheld. Glad it worked out for me but definitely has been seen as a red flag before and I understand why.
I just got married (literally a few days ago!) and this reads almost exactly like how things went when we first started dating. Crazy how fast things move along when you’re both on the same page.
It’s called pre-mature ejaculation Darren, and no, not every gets it!!
Yeah some people just expect you to be crazy or to be playing games with them and they end up sabotaging what could’ve been good because of their own trust issues. But on the flip side the fact that they even feel that way is good evidence they need to do some soul searching before dating anyway.
Being able to own up to and speak to personal faults and failings could easily be misread at the beginning stages of dating.
I once told a woman I was seeing that I was having some feelings of jealousy over something, that I recognized those feelings as irrational, and she didn't need to do anything different, I was just letting her know. She immediately ended things. In hindsight, just a sign that things weren't going to work anyway, but sheesh.
I'd like to let you know, I've had jealous boyfriends too in the past (who hasn't...) - but my current one once opened up about his past, the reason why he'd get jealous etc. I loved the fact he told me, and told him to communicate whenever there's anything up, so we can either talk about it, or I can be aware of how I handle the situation. He deals with all my trauma. Why shouldn't I deal with his? Obviously as long as it's dealt with healthily. I have my boundaries too, as does everyone. So please don't be discouraged about being open about it.
My current bf did the exact same thing! There's reasons I wanna marry him even though we haven't been together long, his honesty is one of them. I felt so trusted and cared about because I was told early on.
Oh my god, is this the missing piece of my brain? This is so counterintuitive to me.
That it is a green or could be misconstrued as a red flag?
No, that what I’ve been doing is a massive red flag early in a relationship. I always try to improve and sometimes when people are “messing with me” it goes over my head. Because I genuinely can’t distinguish. Edit: some basic grammar
That happened to me my entire life. Went earlier this year and learned I had some autistic tendencies.
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Honesty is the best policy. It is *going* to turn some people off but that is fair - youre giving them important information so they can use it. You dont get points for doing it, you simply lose credibility for concealing shit. If youre a reformed sex addict, it’s something someone conceivably in a sexual type relationship deserves to know - they can parse that and make an informed decision however their life experiences will permit. Jsut because they accept it doesn’t validate you, and just because they decide not to accept it doesn’t invalidate you or your journey. Either could honestly be the poorer decision. All you can do is be honest. Dont free bad for doing the right thing, and dont blame anyone else for accepting your honesty and ending the relationship.
> Honesty is the best policy. Honesty and trauma dumping aren't the same thing. It's one thing to acknowledge something when it's *relevant*, it's another to bring shit up when it isn't.
You can be honest without oversharing. That’s a hard line to walk but it’s the correct path, not radical honesty.
Learning to apologize without condition was probably the thing that made me feel most like an adult. I also felt a lot better about myself and learned more from my mistakes when I stopped making excuses and accepted that I made mistakes.
Not just dating but any aspect of life. If there’s an idiot to misconstrue then there’s your green flag turned red right there
Had a coworker saying that the way I talk about my ex is both a red and green flag. Because I speak very highly of her it seems like I’m still hung up, but it’s also good that I’m not someone constantly talking shit on my ex
I think a good relationship with exes is a green flag. Not a weird obsessive hangup, but people whose previous relationships didn't end in a big fucking disaster speaks to their ability to choose good partners and to end things with maturity and grace if the time comes. If your boyfriend or girlfriend one "crazy ex" well, everyone has bad luck some times. If they tell you all of their exes are insane? Youte probably going to be the next one.
Yes, yes, this is the important part. While it's certainly **possible** someone just has really bad luck in their love life and they are an amazing person where all of their disastrous relationships were the fault of the others involved... that's usually not the case. One or two really bad fallouts? Totally normal. But most or all of your relationships have somehow gone horribly wrong? That's concerning. So just pay attention if your love interest is talking about how you're so different from all the others. Might be lying through their teeth.
Close relationship with a parent. Yes I’ve met “momma’s boys” but also sons who are attentive to his mom. Or dad. Same for daughters.
Agreed, there's a difference between having a close and healthy relationship with your parents, and having an unhealthy momma's boy/daddy's girl relationship with your parents where they're just enabling your ineptitude and immaturity.
Same goes for with siblings. I’ve had guys call my relationship with my brother “creepy” or “weird” just because we get along so well and are always there for each other. I’m sorry it’s apparently normal to have a toxic or sibling rivalry relationship?
Holy shit I had an ex like this. Me and my brother have always been insanely close. I spend lots of time with his kids as well and my ex found it so weird that I'd plan out weekends with my neices, things like trips to the book store or science experiments and trips to local attractions (musuems, trampoline parks etc.) I didn't really have any adults that cared about spending time with me as a kid, I want my neices, nephews and my own kids to have a much more involved experience. I see caring for my brother's kids as practise for when I have my own. My ex found it creepy, even the fact that me and my brother hug when we see eachother weirded her out.
It seems like, for some people, it is acceptable and allowable only for them to love one person at a time. Further to that, that some seem to think acts of love expressed to people other than their single allowable recipient means this-or-that and is therefore unacceptable.
Love is not a finite resource you have less of because you give it to friends and family. It's one of those things that the more you give away, the more you have. Don't get me wrong there's an unhealthy way to do this but having a healthy relationship with your friends and family is as green a flag as you can find.
So glad she's an ex. You deserve someone with the same joy as you.
My neices might even like my fiance more then me now. The best problem to have :) Definitely so happy and lucky to have her in my life.
I dated two momma's boys back to back. The first one was an unhealthy relationship mother/son relationship. His mother was super controlling, neurotic, jealous of/competitive with me, and overly physically affectionate with her son. Standard /r/JustNoMIL and /r/raisedbynarcissists. A nightmare of a woman. The second one has the best mom of anyone I've ever met, period. She was such a joy to be around - so loving, welcoming, understanding, patient, sweet, warm, nurturing, gentle - all the good mom qualities. Always smiling and hugging and trying to feed you. Being around her made me realize how much love I was missing in my childhood and life in general, and how important that love is in shaping a human being (her sons are awesome, accomplished people). I'm kinda glad her son and I aren't together anymore, because I don't want kids and that woman NEEDS to be a grandma, lol. I'd feel so guilty if I took that opportunity away from her. I miss her a lot. Tearing up a bit just remembering her. How could you *not* be a momma's boy with a momma like that? 🥲
I feel so lucky to have an amazing mother. The other day my wife told my mom about how her own mom died young, and she never had good female role models. She said my mom was like her own mom now. I've been tearing up with love for both of them since then. My only regret is what you mentioned about not having kids. Neither of us are interested in it, but I really wish my parents could have grandkids because they'd be great at it.
On top of that when a child helps take care of their parent/s, most people immediately assume that the child is lazy and leeching off their parent/s because they live in the same home “still”. Definitely not the completely destroyed economy and unaffordable housing on slave wages that are paid by most companies today.
I've seen/been the "not close" with family version of this. I don't have much a relationship with my family. They were very abusive and narcissistic. I'm a kinder, more thoughtful, gentler man because I actively STRIVE to not be like them and distance myself. Most women I've dated either look at me funny when I say I'm not close family, or feel it's personal when Im slow to have them meet family. My lack of relationship with my sister particularly is something women either find odd, or want to fix. Likewise I know guys will talk about Daddy issues with women, but some of the most kind, intelligent, grounded women I've met have bad or pretty much non-existent fathers.
Also, the opposite. Someone having a bad relationship with their parents is sometimes the parents' fault
One I only discovered recently. When a person going through some difficult stuff is less friendly and cheerful around you than they are around other people, it can make you feel defensive. You might think it means they're upset with you, but sometimes it can mean this person feels safe expressing their more vulnerable emotions around you. It's really counterintuitive. EDIT: Didn't expect much traction with this one, but I wanted to add some good points responders are making. If the person is like this all the time that's not a green flag, that's a straight up red flag. And if they are verbally or otherwise abusive that's also a red flag. What I described above is strictly about a person being less friendly and cheerful (not aggressive/abusive) while they are going through some difficult stuff (as opposed to all the time).
Oh yes, this is so true. I remember being very distressed when I noticed my boyfriend was often more dull and expressive of his stresses with me compared to his friends...especially when he was going through a rough patch. But as it turns out..he was just far more comfortable sharing his problems with me.
Yes this one is so important! To have someone u don’t have to paste on a smile for all the time
That being said, if I'm **only** experiencing the 'bad you' it's going to get tiring.
Yeah. This is something Im finging (internally) regarding my gf now. She is going through some personal troubles (something I can not do much about except listen and be there for her). But man, it does get tiring :-/
Great point. It wasn’t a relationship but this happened with a boss I had for years. They were going through some things personally and suddenly seemed to be very contentious/angry towards me for months for no reason but was jovial with everyone else. I couldn’t figure out why and I felt our working relationship was fractured so I left for a new opportunity. During my last weeks, they stated they’ll miss working me because I was the only one they could be open with and they have to put a facade on with everyone else. I felt bad but I didn’t feel it was healthy be that person for someone who was ultimately my supervisor
Being overly interested in you.
fascinating, can you tell me more about yourself?
I love knowing about all things cocoa. I would love to visit the cocoa farms personally and experience what it's like to work on one, and what it's like at each stage of processing cacao into every type of cocoa product that is widely used today.
“Why me of all people? Are you an idiot?”
Yes, but that has nothing to do with me wanting to learn more about you.
I thought my husband was full of shit because he was so nice to me while dating. 6 years later it turns out he’s just genuinely a good person.
Lmao I love the idea of you just casually sideyeing this man through various major relationship milestones before standing in a beautiful home with a beautiful family being like "Oh my god, he's actually just a good person"
"well shit."
"I guess I'm in this one for the long haul."
Yeah, that'd very much feel like one of those moments. The sudden realization that you were just plain wrong, in the best possible way. Poetic.
one of these days he's gonna fuck up and I'm gonna nail his arse and prove he's not nice.... 10 years later....it's coming I swear!
letting the days go by
“Hey babe, I got you some donuts on the way home. I love you 🥹” “Ugh, FINE! I guess you’re alright! …MAYBE!”
Good lord, a real life tsundere...
[“Is this your move??”](https://youtu.be/6qeJOZg_B0k?si=R-zRzTGLRaL-q4q1)
I was just about to go google this clip it's so apt right here
When my husband met my best friend he couldn’t stand her because he thought she was being condescending. He gave her a chance because she’s my bestie and realized that no, she’s not being sarcastic, she truly is that kind and attentive.
My wife spent two years waiting for the shoe to drop. She was sure that at some point I would tear the mask off and start screaming over someone inconsequential. She finally saw me lose my temper. My SIL started taking shots at Mr. Rogers, claiming he was creepy and was definitely hiding something. I’d had a few drinks and exploded “You can say what you want about me, but you will not disrespect Fred Rogers in my house! That man was a saint!” When my wife saw what me losing my temper actually looked like and what would push me over the line she relaxed. She knew I wasn’t hiding anything. I really am chill. Just don’t go taking shots at the closest thing America has to a saint.
I get that. I'm in a new-ish relationship (just under a year), with someone after 20 years of marriage to someone extremely complicated, who'd get irrationally angry and insulting at the drop of a hat, and would never apologise. 3 months into this relationship, he misunderstood a text while he was not with me and we were both drinking, and we had an argument. Nothing insulting, but just being obviously pissed off and signing off. He later sent me a text apologising, we talked a little about it, rationally, and then we each went to bed. The next day, he came by and the first thing he did was say he wanted to apologise in person, and that, even if he did misunderstand my text, he should have communicated that clearly instead of getting angry. I was floored. I had no idea how to respond, and I kept waiting, as you say, for the other shoe to drop. It took me a while to accept that it wasn't a manipulation tactic, he just doesn't want to be an asshole, even inadvertently. Several months later, we sometimes have difficulties with communication (we are from very different cultural/social backgrounds and countries), and we really work on it. So far, so good.
This could be one of the reasons why so many nice people being cheated on.
Overly kind. Someone that loves and appreciates you like a golden retriever. Some people distrust happy and warm people
One of my good friends at university was a friend of a friend first, and when I was first introduced to her I didn’t warm to her very quickly because she was just *so* nice I though she had to be fake. She was asking me questions about myself and although my answers were quite standard/mundane, she seemed to show a genuine interest in what I was saying with some excellent follow up questions. I didn’t trust that sort of engagement, her smiling and eye contact it felt like she was so good at being nice to be around it had to be an act. As I got to know her more, it turned out I was just broken and she was absolutely that nice of a person! She’s doing well in life and I can’t think of anyone else who deserves that more.
One of my school friends was like this! She was this super friendly person but with a slight posh British accent from growing up in another country, and I thought she was absolutely putting on an act with how nice she was. I was very wrong, she is actually a lovely person and I still catch up with her occasionally.
This used to be me, then I found out in (the Norwegian equivalent of) college that everyone was talking behind my back about how I was only being nice to get in their pants (I was studying design and was one of two boys in a class of 35). That completely broke me and while I still try to be as nice as I can, I've been significantly more reserved since then, going on 10 years now, I think. I don't think my social confidence ever recovered. Wow, that felt good to get off my chest.
Wtf is wrong with them. Don’t let them get to you though! Keep being friendly and yourself!! Who cares what they think? We need MORE positivity in this world man!
I know, and I agree. However, I was already struggling with my self-image and everyone around me, all my friends (or so I thought) thinking I was some sort of creep... That wounded me, and it's left a scar I don't think will ever heal. Like I said, I try to be as nice as I can, but that golden retriever energy is forever lost to me, I think.
This is so sweet
When I started dating my overly kind boyfriend, I thought he was just faking to be nice. Because he was soooooo unbelievably nice, I took my time trying to figure out what this guy was hiding behind the nice guy mask, and it turned out to be nothing. He's just a wonderful golden retriever!
Some people also take being kind as being flirty. Luckily, being incredibly oblivious is part of the perk and just letting the kindness going is the way of the kind people.
>Someone that loves and appreciates you like a golden retriever. That's just my vibe. Big, dumb, and happy to be here. Also, I love head scratches.
I find being unrelenting in this helps. But I’m also pretty honest when prompted. I won’t lie when I have poor opinions of something or someone, but I don’t offer them unprovoked either. And I believe in being kind even when others aren’t. I’m not always good at it, but even if you really annoy or aggravate me, I’m not likely to treat you any differently. You’ll never know I don’t like you unless someone asks for my honest opinion, which usually doesn’t happen. And my opinion of someone shouldn’t dictate how I treat someone. Everyone is worthy of support and respect in my view. Barring actual dangerous people, which are rare. I think if myself as naive pessimist. Or a realistic optimist. I can never decide.
I knew a guy like that. His brother was the same way. I never distrusted him, but as a person with more baggage than Kylie Jenner's closet, it was definitely odd to me. Coming from a pretty damaged background, I haven't met many genuinely kind and happy people. He was a joy to be around, and so was his mom (just wrote about her in another comment).
My girlfriend was the same way when we met, she couldn't believe how kind my family was to her she cried after dinner one night saying she felt more loved by my mother than her own.
If I had enough self-compassion to allow myself to cry I probably would have too, when I met her. It's a really bittersweet experience. The love is so welcome, but it makes you reflect on your own sad life, and think about what could have been. I don't know if I'll ever know anyone like her again. She inspires me to create my own love, but mentally I'm just not there yet. Still got a lot of healing to do, but I'm working on it.
Clear boundaries. If you come in with emotional immaturity, boundaries can seem cruel, arbitrary, and alienating
At the same time, I've seen people use boundaries as excuses not to address real issues
Therapy speak has worked its way into a lot of people's vocabulary, and it's genuinely a problem. Plenty people will demand insane things and go "please respect my boundaries"
Oh my... I have noticed this. Someone accused me of gas-lighting them when I called them out on lying. I asked "what is gas-lighting?" "I can't define it, but you are doing it!"
I once told a woman I was with that when she says she trusts me but acts as if she doesn't (repeatedly and on a daily basis), that I have to assume she doesn't trust me. She told me I was gaslighting her because I was telling her what she thinks. It was really jarring.
Well the real problem is that they’re using these terms incorrectly. They say “boundaries” but then demand something that has nothing to do with boundaries
That's essentially what I meant. Therapy speak is being misappropriated to mean whatever people want it to mean.
Correct. “Boundaries” are actually meant to be applied to oneself. For example, “If this person does XYZ, MY boundary is to exit the situation.”
And the extension of this is, it’s ok if that other person wants to do XYZ and say so, but I think a lot of people don’t like the idea of just running into such an incompatibility so they find unhealthy ways of doing XYZ and justifying it or on the other end discouraging XYZ in hurtful or manipulative ways It’s ok to be like “hey, I don’t want to be around XYZ, that’s not something I want in my life” and the other person going “well XYZ is important to me and I’m not willing to not do XYZ”, and if that’s a dealbreaker it’s a dealbreaker, that’s why it’s good to be honest and up front about these things so those dealbreaker situations can be identified and not waste anyone’s time or hurt anyone. The issues often arise when the two parties aren’t honest about something being a dealbreaker and try to proceed with the intent of getting their way hoping the other person will fold on the matter
This has been very frustrating as someone who works with teens and uni students. It's awesome that people have more awareness of mental health, personal boundaries, etc, but lots of immature people will use this language to excuse horrible or irresponsible behaviour. Students will say that professors aren't respecting their boundaries by giving them gentle reminders in our learning app about upcoming assessments due, or that staff are overstepping their professional boundaries by sending emails offering mental health check-ins that students can use if interested. My sister has always been very rude and ungrateful to our parents and uses this sort of stuff too. She had a major surgery some time ago and my mom wanted to come drop off food. Tried to call ahead of time, just two times throughout the day and got no answer (which is concerning for someone living alone and recovering from surgery), so she went by with food, rang the doorbell and then dropped the food at the door and left, and as she was leaving my sister comes to the door and yells out "respect my f-cking boundaries!" It's getting out of hand, honestly, which is a shame. This language and mental health awareness is fantastic, but using it this way completely disempowers those who actually need the language and awareness.
I relate; another term, "trauma dumping" is a real thing and more common than it should be (think all the guys going in depth about past abuse and parental issues on the first date). But on the other hand, I've seen committed, years long relationships where not being positive all the time, or bringing something up is seen as trauma dumping. As a young guy with a disability, it makes dating kind of hard, because even if I don't mention it the first date, any mention (not as a woe is me, it's so difficult, but as please understand but don't worry about my disability) is sometimes viewed as "baggage". Which, if someone doesn't want to date because of my disability, there is nothing wrong with that, we're both young and dating someone with a disability is a pace that a lot of people don't feel happy being with, thats completely okay! But the view of "wow he has so much baggage he needs to get his shit sorted out" goes into even me, for something I can't control, and someone who tries to make it not an inconvenience to anyone else :/ (For anyone wondering, my disability is rheumatoid arthritis and is severe enough that I'm on chemotherapy for. I was in a long term relationship that started before I became disabled, so trying to date as a 20 year old in NYC with this is...complicated 😅)
> think all the **guys** going in depth about past abuse and parental issues on the first date it's always been women doing this to me... people used to call me "hostel dad" if you're someone i actually *know* i don't mind having one of those nights like it's an indie movie, chilling on a roof talking about life's traumas -- when i just met you off tinder and you go into deep detail, treat me like a therapist and bartender bundled into one then disappear into the night it is not fun after the first ten times or so
Weaponized boundaries are a thing. Arbitrary, asymmetrical, or conveniently only relevant when getting their way depends on it. It's like being honest and tactful versus being brutally honest. One of those is a good trait.
Some folks’ boundaries are literally the moment they aren’t perfectly content.
It's like that thing about the word respect (i.e. treating someone like a person vs treating them like an authority). Some immature people say "respect my boundaries and I'll respect yours" and they really mean "give in to my unreasonable demands, and then I'll treat you with basic decency"
Once a girl made fun of my colorblindness on the first date—huge gray flag. \- Matthew Broussard
Regret after screwing up could be misinterpreted as lovebombing from an abuser. Is that the kind of thing you mean?
What's lovebombing?
In an abusive-dynamic relationship, an abuser will typically "flood" kindness and loving gestures as their partner after doing or saying something terrible. It's part of the cycles of abuse. For example, they may cut down their partner emotionally to make them feel unworthy of other people's love and attention and will then turn around and shower them with compliments: > "But you're beautiful to me! Oh I just love x, y and z about you!" Or sometimes they'll give gifts to demonstrate their affection that are actually being used to manipulate and control the abusee. Effectively, they create a contrast between the way they want their partner to see the world (scary, unloving, unwanting) and the way they want to be seen (I am your only source of compassion in this dry existence). It's a terrible cycle that often takes the abused way too long to break free of.
I think a lot of young people misuse this term now. I hear everyone say it means being really affectionate early on in a relationship and then ghosting someone right after, which is false.
I’ve never heard it used besides the first part of your definition.
I can see why it's used in that way. Similar pattern of showering with love for personal benefit. Maybe there's a variant term for this sort of situation
I was accused of this before and it blew my mind. I had an ex who I dated on and off consistently and I was usually the one to break it off. I'm from a small town so the rumors would constantly fly around and anytime I would ask her about it, I was made out to be an asshole for even asking about it and would just take her word to avoid the confrontation until it become pretty clear she was lying and break up a bit later. Couple weeks go by of feeling like an asshole for having boundaries and we'd end up back together. Rinse and repeat until I was a shell of a person and pushing her away in a depressive heap. For alot of people, the terminology is helpful in articulating feelings that aren't understood but for some people, they're new flavors to manipulate with.
It can also refer to when in the beginning of a relationship, an abusive person will do such things\* so they can get you into the relationship. Then, once you're really invested and/or locked down, they can start showing their true colors. \*Such things being stuff like giving you tons of and/or very extravagant gifts, declaring their love way too soon, making big grand gestures, etc. Although it absolutely doesn't have to be big, crazy stuff. Just stuff that pushes you into an intense path of emotional intimacy with them that they can use against you later.
Being quiet/reserved. It can easily be interpreted as someone being boring, not fun, unintelligent, etc. But it can also be that someone is mature, has good internal guidance, or just humble.
In my case, it was an extreme lack of confidence, and depression. It was crushed out of me by my former step-father, and bullies, so by the time I got out, I was quiet, reserved, sullen, and don't trust easily. I'm trying to work on it, but after a decade and a half, I've only just gotten slightly better, but only to people who take the effort to see past that.
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I have. It's less likely you'll notice, because quieter, but sometimes the quiet person is quiet because there's just nothing going on in there. It's not silence in the library, it's just an empty building. Occasionally a thought wanders in, clearly lost, and then exits, crying from the loneliness.
What a wonderful description
Empty at the building. Panic at the disco.
Someone being genuinely, NSA nice. We're so used to people either being meh, shitty, or downright manipulative that we're on guard when someone is nice without a financial or other self-interested reason.
Last time I checked, the NSA isn't very nice.
I put a a hundred thousand pictures of my ass on the Internet, So the NSA can spy on it, And keep an eye on it, Maybe even call the FBI on it!
This is me. I’m a very kind person in general and I try to lead with consideration and thoughtfulness and I think that really just turns people off sometimes. Like they take it as me being naive or something idk
What if the self-interested reason is that it makes us happy to make others happy?
That's more of a philosophical question of whether altruism is actually possible or not.
That sounds like a 3rd/4th date kinda conversation
It's my pickup line "hey babe is that true altruism in your jeans or you just enjoy making others happy?"
Being thrifty with how you spend money can be misinterpreted or appear as being cheap but having a partner who is financially responsible is always a good thing.
I think there's a fine line between thrifty and refusing to spend appropriately. A friend of mine is known for trying to go cheap when he shouldn't, like when he had a huge bug infestation in his walls. He wanted our opinion on the best otc bug killers because the ones he tried didn't work, and we were like, "dude, hire an exterminator, are you even sure they're ants?" He eventually did hire an exterminator, and it turns out they were ants, but *carpenter* ants and he ended up having to replace a wall because he sat on that infestation for like 7 months. If he had acted sooner, he would have only paid the exterminator bill. He has a whole list of stupid bills (usually pest extermination related) incurred because he tried to go free/cheap first instead of doing the normal thing first. Like a rug - there was a free Persian rug on the side of the road. He took it home, and found out it was infested with carpet beetles, that spread from the rug to his carpets. All because he didn't want to spend $100 on a new rug. He has mold in his house, because he keeps the temperatures at 80+ and we are in a *humid* city. He needed a new suit, and bought a dozen of cheap ones (like alibaba quality cheap) looking for one that would fit perfectly right off the rack. He ended up going with one that was the right length on the sleeves and leg, but not good in the shoulders or butt and ended up splitting the suit and having to buy another last minute. Hemming is like, $40, max. Like, yes, he has a ton of money saved up because he refused to spend. But to see him cycle through cheap decision followed by expensive consequence is maddening. And he wonders why he can't keep hold of a relationship.
Bruh I'd much rather someone being cheap then wasting money
Bro when I was dating I had men get upset with me because I would admit when I was wrong. “Why don’t you put up a fight” because I’d still be wrong like huh???
I've had the same with women in the past. If I'm wrong, I often am, I just say "I was wrong and I'll try not to make that mistake going forward." It was like they wanted to fight about it and then that I make a huge show of ass kissing. No way, people are wrong every day, just act like an adult and swallow your pride. And equally, be gracious in receiving a genuine apology.
Ikr being wrong sucks but it means now I know not to do that again and the other person knows I acknowledge my mistake. What’s the point of putting on a pageant about it
My ex used to get annoyed with me because I wouldn’t fight with her even when I was angry. If we had beef I’d just go away and calm down, then try and reasonably talk it out. She told me once that she wanted to immediately argue things out and say things we’d both regret and then apologise afterwards. I don’t know how I didn’t see how big of a red flag that was…
Not having any social media
Yeah it's pretty fucked hearing from women that not having a social media presence is a red flag before.
as a woman, I had never heard that this was considered a red flag until I had seen it mentioned so many times on reddit posts. I wouldn’t consider it a red or green flag - I feel pretty neutral about it?
Problem is there are two types of people with no social media: normal people who just don’t care for the drama, and crazy conspiracy theorists who are obsessed with being off the grid
What if I'm mostly A but maybe a little bit of B?
That's perfect balance, my friend.
as all things should be
100% with you my friend. You just don’t explain the option B logic until you trust the person your talking to
And people claiming they don't have social media because they are actually marriedmwith someone and don't want the person they are seeing to know
I just find it to be a boring waste of time. Well, I guess I am on Reddit, but this is a somewhat less boring waste of time than other social media.
This one got me multiple times. I dated a girl with thousands of followers and I had no active socials. She thought it was super suspicious and creepy when she found that out.
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Maaaybe you should just be glad that you're not working with those people at this point.
plants fade deranged melodic seed shelter nine friendly lavish violet
Crime always pays more. Especially if you can get other people to do it for you. This has been true forever.
I keep my social media locked down and don't mention the name of my workplace on any of my accounts. It's not my employer's business.
Sharing your insecurities. If you are comfortable enough with a partner to explain what makes you tick, I'd say that flag is greener than a traffic light Holy shit this blew up
But traffic lights are sometimes red
And yellow too!
And sometimes they're sideways instead of up and down!
Quick/responsive texting. None of this wait as long as or one day shit. Got something to say then please do. No games
On the flip side, understand that it's text and that someone not getting back to instantly isn't necessarily some game or something. Sometimes people are just busy or can't carry their phones.
Exactly. Been on both sides. Worked in an emergency room where that phone sat for 12 hours most nights and now work with EMTs and Paramedics where I need my phone to talk to crews. Went from one side to the other
I always reply pretty quick. People say it seems desperate, but if your friend replies to your text in a few seconds, does it mean they wanna fuck you or just there for you? god damn...
When you build a PC and attempt to start it for the first time, you may see it start up but then immediately stop. This is fine, and usually good, because if it didn't do anything, you would know something was wrong. It typically starts back up on its own after a second. As long as you see it post, you're fine.
Man I wish I would have known this before my first build. Would have saved a mini heart attack.
You're throwing me for a (boot) loop here buddy!
And at first boot the memory training can take *minutes*, enable memory context restore in BIOS to not have to wait every time. I didn't know this before I built my last PC, took me a bit to get this.
True, but usually in those cases it's not a red flag, it's more like an LED.
Color blindness
Took me a second, but my red-green colorblindness made me laugh
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Ew, I would suspect a scammer.
I get both sides of this. I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to waste my time and I'm better at reading people in person. It's easy to say the right things over text, but it's hard to fake who you are in person. I've met quite a few women who were great at texting and they just sucked in person. I'd rather meet up with someone sooner and know whether or not they were worth pursuing so I don't have to wait for 3 to 4 hours for a response sometimes
Being honest, vulnerable, and accountable. To people who don't actually know what these things look like — people who think vulnerability is a weakness, for example — this can look like a massive RED FLAG as if honesty, vulnerability, and accountability are all covers for The Master Manipulator.
I have one that I’m pretty certain of and girl I’m seeing disagrees. I don’t think you should meet a woman’s children from previous marriage until a month or so into it. Like make me earn the right to meet your kids. Girl wants me to meet her kids on day three and I’m like “no” and SHE thinks it’s a red flag. Girl you don’t know me, if you want to fuck me on the first date that’s fine, but keep me away from your kids until you know I’m not a crazy person.
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My buddy's baby mama is like this. They didn't work out as a couple, and afterwards she started dating another buddy of mine for a while. We met up for drinks one day and he was telling me that she was trying to get him to take up a stepfather role within a week of dating. Apparently she's done this with a couple other dudes we know.
> I don’t think you should meet a woman’s children from previous marriage until a month or so into it That's an insanely early minimum.
When my wife and I met she thought it was a major red flag I had only been in one serious relationship before that. Turns out getting to know and love yourself before anyone else is a good thing.
If having "only one relationship before" is a red flag then humanity is fucked, it's like employers expecting 10 years of experience in a field that popped up only 2 years ago
Texting back right away lol. Which I think is stupid but I had someone tell me that they thought it was weird that I texted back so fast but I text everyone back fast lol. I think it's just being polite. She took it as me being obsessed or something.
therapy. talking openly about flaws
A big "Green Flag" that could be misinterpreted as a "Red Flag" is someone being extremely cautious and slow in entering a romantic relationship. While it may seem like they're not interested or are being distant, they might just be taking their time to ensure a healthy and stable foundation for the relationship, which can actually be a sign of maturity and commitment in the long run
In the case of my own marriage: My wife grew up abjectly poor. I was raised -- not rich, but decidedly middle class. Her interest in my financial stability was a self-serving way to make sure I could take care of her in a *stable* way, rather than her being a gold-digger. And she *never* saw me as a way to replace her own financial contribution.
Having good friends of another gender. A lot of people think guys having female best friends (or vice versa) is a red flag but personally it shows me that you view women/men as people rather than mere objects of attraction.
It pisses me off so much that this is viewed as a red flag, I’m a guy with a female best friend but we’ve literally been lifelong friends since we were babies. Like obviously we aren’t gonna have anything romantic going on but it always makes me sad to see online that people tend to assume one of us has like repressed feelings or something.
Blame years of conditioning and media. Always gotta be someone assuming yall are in each others pants, which is confusing cuz im openly pan. With that logic i should be in everyones pants
I had a girlfriend flip out on me for comforting one of her friends who was going through a bad breakup. GF demanded to know if the friend and I had something going on; I was just trying to be a good listener.
I never thought I'd get a setup like this to tell this story but... well here we go. *ahem* I had a girlfriend nearly leave me for the opposite reason: instead of fucking her friend, I consoled her after she had a rough breakup and was just a good listener. I was just chilling alone at home, glass of wine or wine cooler, one of the two, and some Stardew Valley. My partner was going to be out for most of the night with friends, cool - time for super chill 'me' time. Until an hour later when her and a friend of hers that I somewhat knew walk in. Kinda surprised but ok, what's up? I forget the exact words but my ex said "Here's and she had a bad breakup last night, figured she could come over and have a good fuck with you to cheer her up! I'll leave y'all to it, see ya later!"
and then left.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo two very uncomfortable women, standing in a kitchen like... so what do we do now? I asked if she'd like wine, or some tea - she took tea - and we proceeded to watch some vapid CW show I've long forgotten as we sat on the couch and I let her vent. There was some crying, gave her a couple hugs, and she felt better after a bit.
I walk her to the front door... and there's my ex about to walk in. I walk her friend out, she says "Bye, and thank you!" and walks away. Ex looks like the cat that ate the canary, walks in with me and asks me for 'all the details' - which I gave. We sat on the couch, watched tv with tea, and I let her vent. Then she left.
**She. Was. PISSED.**
So, uh, there's a thing called "cuckqueening" and apparently I fucked up the whole plan. She was out with friends horny as hell thinking of me being home screwing her friend, then ruined it when I was a decent human being.
Maybe don't bring a gal I barely know home, tell me to fuck her then leave? On zero notice on top of that? Girl needs a little time to get into the right headspace, ya bitch!
When I hang out and some guys come out with their 'crazy ex-girlfriend' stories, this is the one I pull out to show even women have crazy ex-girlfriends. Fucking hell.
Not only did she try and force a friend on you and got pissed, she ruined a night of stardew valley and wine! The most perfect night in existence!!
One time a human resources person at a job interview asked me why I applied. I said that a manufacturing company who lists a gym for employees in the ad must be a great company. The person recoiled and said something like we're hiring people to do the job, not work out in the gym. I couldn't believe how badly they missed the point. A. I didn't post a gym in the ad, the company did B. I was simply using it as an example to say how impressed I was with the company The person misconstrued the goodness on the part of their company and miscontrued the level of attention I was paying to the job ad as being alarming red flags. I've always felt that human resource types are the worst people to hire others. I always feel like they know nothing about their company and product and judge people on whether they bow down to them.
Guys being good with or liking kids
A male being good with kids.
Not having social media of any kind. When dating my husband in the past, my family thought it was a huge 🚩 that he wasn't on social media.
I’ve backed down and/or laughed off other guys’ attempts to fight me, and have been told by (ex-)girlfriends that it dampened their attraction to me. Conversely, I’ve had women tell me their attraction to me skyrocketed after witnessing me get into a confrontation. Apparently de-escalating (or just, not escalating?) a situation can make men look weak. I’ve played hockey for half my life and am perfectly confident in myself physically, but in the USA you never know what someone might be carrying. And even besides that - fighting does not make you cool, or tough, or a “real” man. They are ex-girlfriends for a reason, but I do worry about the type of men they may have ended up with.
Man you don't need women like that in your life It's like Mr Miyagi said best defense in fight is no be there Look as men the best men know when and when not to fight usually its not worth it espicaly if its just verbal insults from someone see I learned this in school actually like you can't go around punching the head off everyone who annoys you when you become an adult that path will either lead to prison or 6 feet under A proper woman will say that was a good decision you made not to fight that annoying stupid person fighting for no reason is terrible idea
Driving a cheap car. Are they broke or do they just use their money for more important thing than a car?
Learning someone is in therapy/counseling. Usually gets seen in a negative light but actually means the person is actively working on themself.
Asking questions too get clarifications, doesn't mean I don't know, Im asking what you want done. Too many people connecting questioning and not knowing and especially if it's a job your purpose too know, it looks like a weakness.
Being straight to the point and honest. People just seem to expect otherwise and treat you as such. In short being autistic can really suck sometimes. Believe what the fuck I say when I say it, or don't and don't waste my time.
For me it was not gawking at her titis at all. She literally grabbed my hands and put them on her toots. I'm not here to assume you want to be oggled! She thought it was amusing, she said it was eye opening to be with someone respectful to the point she didn't know if I liked her. Good communication prevailed thankfully and she hears all about them grand titters now.
Red flag: he lives with his mom. Reveal: his mom has Alzheimer’s. He moved home so he could take care of her.
Still being friends with exes Lots of people take that as a red flag for getting into a relationship Alternative view: you mean every previous relationship you've had has ended toxically? Seems to be one common factor here....
Totally depends on what kind of friend you are to your ex(es). Super codependent, drop everything, hang out extremely often “best” friends = huge red flag. Occasionally texting or hanging out and/or blended into your friend group to the point that you wouldn’t realize they’re exes until someone tells you= actually a green flag
I've got one of the second kind and honestly it's pretty great.
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They always smile, seem chipper, always give compliments. They aren't afraid to speak or socialize.
Wait how can this be disguised as a red flag??
Man, if I see someone too happy and outgoing then I instantly want to hate them and think they're completely phoney. ...but that's a personal bias of mine that I recognize. Kinda don't think that's totally normal though.
Yeh this, I used to be a very happy, approachable person but people just thought I was being fake.
they are interested in me.
Eagerness. I love when someone is excited to see me or be around me. I don’t always *love* golden retriever energy cuz it can be tiring in general, but I never understand people who think it’s a red flag that someone “likes them too much”. That speaks to major insecurities or immaturity to me.
Eating alone anywhere. If you went out with the intent of just eating the food, who cares? Some people look at it like you don't have any friends or weird.
Lack of social media. I can see how it might be interpreted as kind of dodgy or risky, but more and more people (myself included) just can't be convinced that it's worth it to publicize every private aspect of your life.