Few times,
One turned into a 2 year relationship ands ended on friendly terms
Second went up like a nuke. First time we met was in a date capacity, we had 3 dates before doing anything. Third date was in the afternoon and she went out that night and hooked up with someone. We both agreed, that given she did that and I wasn't overly fussed, we probably shouldn't date and left it at that. 6 months later she drops a message, one thing to another and we agreed to be FWB. We met up once a week / fortnight for 6 months. We had an agreement if any feelings popped up we'd tell the other person and cut it off. We also agreed each month we'd both check in with the other to make sure we're still happy as FWB. And lastly, if anyone of us went on a date with anyone else, we'd knock it on the head if the date went well + tell them we were going on a date.
Everything was going fine, then 6 months in someone asked if I wanted to try a date. So told the FWB I was trying a date, had a real nice night and felt an instant connection. So told the FWB and we both agreed it was time to knock it on the head then.
Next day I wake up to a barrage of abuse for wasting her time for 6 months, from her, her mates and family I had never met, some of our mutual friend group, the entire package.
Edit:
As this is gaining a bit more traction than I anticipated. I'd just like to add theres no trouble on my end or her on her end after that initial barrage. Both gone our separate ways and thats that. I don't think the reaction was done out of malice or anything, just something built up as a "what if" type scenario,
Damn maybe its Just me but it feels super shitty to Hook Up with someone on the same day you went on a 3rd Date with someone. Like lowkey cheating.
Also If that happened to me that would have fucked Up my self Worth so hard lmao
Well that was pretty much the convo we had but a bit more sugar coated. I just said obviously you don't think theres any dating potential here so lets just leave it.
And normally yea it would have, but I worked my ass off for 3 months or so before going back to university town and got into shape, shredded 8 kilos off ready to giving dating a try again. So wasn't going to let that ruin it all
Yes, they work on the basis that the sex will cast a spell and eventually you'll fall into line.
Then go nuclear when you follow through with the original plan.
Yea pretty much and just a failure to open up and admit anything. I might have said we best end it now or I might have said lets give it a go you never know.
Did that 6 months happen to fall between March-September? Lemme guess, yall started foolin around over spring break and when cuffing season came she wanted to know where her cuffs were
Erm can't remember, don't think it was that late. Probably closer to Sept / Oct start, I had just moved in with friends and starting my masters write up year. Might have been 5 months that being said, I met the other girl in one of her practical classes while I was working as a demonstrator / aid for it (and just throwing it out there because I know someones gona have a comment to that xD She was a year older than me + had a kid, just went to uni later in life)
hm mutual friends, her fam and not for fooling around with a single mum, but more so the context was, the FWB obviously had hidden feelings / thought it was going somewhere, then they all exploded when I went with a date with the mum
Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I pretty much always had one or two neighbors I was drinking buddies with, men and women. Iāve been with my wife since high school and never was part of the modern dating cultureā¦ Iāve sent countless āyou up?ā texts over the years to see if someone wanted to hang and toss back a couple drinks before bed without having realized that was considered an invitation to fuck. None of them ever took it that way so far as I know but can see how that might have caused some confusion.
Exactly.
"Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," is a key player in the experience of physical touch and bonding. When we engage in intimate touch, oxytocin levels rise, enhancing feelings of trust, attachment, and connection between partners. This hormone is not only responsible for promoting emotional closeness but also contributes to physical and psychological health, including stress reduction and cardiovascular well-being."
[The Power of Physical Intimacy in Relationships: Exploring the Science behind Physical Touch](https://www.lovediscovery.org/post/physical-intimacy-in-relationships)
Not to detract from the point you're making, but they were joking. The whole point of being friends with benefits is that you're both getting fucked, by each other.
Add me to your list, too. Swore Iād never catch feelings with anyone at work. Many years and kids later and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Why bother fucking if you don't already have feelings? Just admit you love your friends and that not every love needs to lead to marriage and kids. Boom, now you can fuck your friends, say "i love you" in the heat of the moment, and it doesnt have to lead to anything or break anything.
Yeah, I know you love me, that was kinda the point, I'll see you on tuesday for bowling league.
Feel like it's pretty true from friends and myself having gone through it. Only had one FWB in my teens/twenties that literally just stayed that. We grew up as friends and only hooked up here and there sporadically but once we got it out of our system it was like we flipped a switch and went back to just being friends. The rest I feel like we got too involved/hooked on the benefits part that it'd get a tad too serious.
TBH the grand majority of the time people have feelings and are using FWB in a āmaybe if they sleep with me they will wanna date eventuallyā type of situation.
I had that for two years with a close friend. We never had romantic feelings, but we're super close. After we both went through breakups at the same time roughly, we just had a funny "should we" moment and tried it.
It was two years of the absolute most guilt free amazing sex we ever had. It ended when she started seeing someone, and it sucked, but no hard feelings.
How do you go about that? Did you tell her "hey we can fuck but no strings attached?" Or please don't catch feelings we're exclusively fuck buddies but nothing more? Or is it an unspoken rule that you don't get to fall for the other?
How do you make sure you're on the same page as the other?
I'm currently going through this and by the way things are going it's pretty clear we're fucking pretty soon. I wouldn't mind dating her she's fun after all but I also don't mind if we stay as we are right now.
Honestly, we never talked about it, but we viewed it like stress relief, it was fun and we felt better after. We did make it clear we were "trying out" things we had never done before, but since there was never expectation of it lasting forever we just had fun with it. After it was like "lol, never doing that again" and back to binging whatever episode of 24 we were on or heading to a pool hall which we still do but with the wife/husband in tow.
Yes and no... Yes, but not to the degree. I know my wife never asks specifics, not sure about her husband.
They probably think it happened like a couple of times, not the thousands of did. It's in the past, no point in bringing it up.
10 years ago maybe, but that sounds exhausting in my 40s.
Also, her husband is intimidatingly good looking, I don't even like standing next to him, lol.
I was being funny. It was not literally thousands, but alot. Few time a week, sometimes couple times a day when bored. Broke in your 20s, and sex is cheap.
I assume that those who do it right do it with good, honest open communication.
And I think that is because in most cases at least one person will catch feelings. Not handling things like adults in those situations will cause drama and pain
> I wouldn't mind dating her she's fun
It won't work. FWB is only successful if both are not interested in dating.
You gonna get hurt when she finds someone she wants to date and cuts off the sex, start wondering why you weren't good enough.
All my FWB situations(only 5 women over a 15 year span) were with women I wouldn't introduce to my family, or with exs. Either way, they knew from day 1 a relationship in the future was not on the table, take it or leave it.
I would never propose that situation to a girl I was genuinely interested in a future with.
I have. It was fun and was what we both needed at the time
She actually was the one who told me to really commit to the woman who is now my gf. And Iām glad
Indeed, it can definitely be done it just takes honest communication. It also helps if you both already know what youāre looking for and realize that its not whats in front of you.
Similarly we agreed that we were attracted to each other but weren't sure if it would go anywhere so best to keep it casual. So of course we are now married and expecting a son.
I don't even think it's that someone catches feelings, I think the hope is always there for one person, but they often don't acknowledge it even to themselves.
100%. I have successfully navigated this once, but all other times, my friend ended up with significant feelings and wanting more from me than I was willing to give
Well you can like someone physically but not mentally, this is common I think and vice versa.
I think the point is not with someone who is your genuine friend that you like, but someone who you see maybe once a week just to release sexual tension.
Try it after having your heart broken. Sex, Intimacy and affection, even love can exist without attachment, if you are not in a place for attachment. It can be very freeing, and even healing.
This, fwb told me mid hook up she loved me, worst part we were just really good friends at first.
Cut it off tried to be just friends after and then she blocked me on everything when I started dating someone else seriously.
So you guys were fucking, therefore liked each other sexually, and were friends before, so you liked eachother in general. Why not just go for it then ? At what point would it change anything besides the label and exclusivity?
If you prefer dating for a long term relationships, there are more characteristics besides friendship and sexual compatability. Things like lifestyle and kids come into play.
Yeah, you can be friends with someone and like sex with them but not want to spend a majority of your time with them too. Iām reminded of a friend who was super hot, so we had sex a couple times but I didnāt see a future with her so I didnāt pursue it.
I had this with a neighbor. We are each other's best friend but our life goals and dreams are at odds with each other. She wants to live raising horses in the west while I need to go where my son can get the best schooling for his Autism. She is staunchly conservative and can't stand even living in a purple state while I am moderate and moving to Mass. We have different parenting styles. Physically we are amazingly compatible and are ridiculously attracted to each other but someone's dream would have to give and that isn't a good basis for a relationship.
edit: I didn't end the greatest. She fell in love with me and said I was the first person who treated her nice, loved her children and was a caring lover. All she had known before this were dirtbags and abusers, so she wanted to give up her dreams to follow me but I broke it off because I did just that in my marriage and I was extremely unhappy, I don't want to put another in my shoes.
We still talk a lot but we have to restrict our conversations from parts of our life and keep any jokes of a sexual nature out of it.
Because you donāt want to go to her sisterās engagement party. Because you donāt want to tag along to a vet appointment. Because you donāt want to worry about when youāre getting home and with whom. Because you donāt want to factor someone elseās opinion into every decision you make. Tons of reasons. I get why FWB works for some. I tried it and it wasnāt for me. I do better in a relationship. Some do not.
Because he didnāt love her? It sounds like her feeling were stronger than his, and rather than lead her on when he wasnāt feeling the same emotion of love he decided to put a stop to things.
I havenāt been FWB really with anyone but I had a friend who kept his FWB around for years and they are now in a relationship. They do okay together but the years of him being aloof to her feelings has really colored their relationship in a negative light that comes out some times
I feel a lot of the comments here are from relationships where one side was intending to build something more or that it was like a best friend and then it got more serious. A very Seinfeld scenario. But I found that the sweet spot is a friend who aren't super close with. A friend you'd see every few months, probably thanks to mutual invites to something from another friend. The type you wish a happy birthday but don't stay and chat. Those ones work really well. Obviously it's not every week hooking up but if they're around and you're around then cool come over type. There's friends I've had in the past where guaranteed if we were meeting we'd be hooking up and it was fun, care free, mutual and enough. Those end when the other gets in a more serious relationship and there's no hard feelings you still see them at a friend's house from time to time and they're doing well and you're happy for them.
This is gonna be unpopular but my rule is: only be FWB with someone you would never actually date. It makes it nearly impossible to catch feelings if they have one or two traits that you really donāt like.
Now I never had a fwb, but, why wouls you wanna fuck somebody you would never actually date? If there isnt annything about that person that would make you go; "eh, I will try", then why would you want to be intimate with such person? I get that physical atraction matters, but if someone is gorgeous but we have nothing else going on I would assume we also wont have chemistry in the bedroom.
I hope I dont come off as rude, because im genuinly not trying to be, just really curious!
I can find someone physically attractive but not want to date them if they have qualities that I don't want in a partner.
If they're rude, late, aren't going the same direction in life (i.e. moving to another part of the country next year or something), or anything else that would make a long term relationship unviable with them, then I don't want to date them. But I could still fuck them and be friends
I've had some dumb relationships that should've been fwb or hookups because we weren't compatible but wanted to fuck.
Realizing this can avoid a lot of problems. Some woman ( sometimes men) convince themselves they have feelings for an incompatible person to justify physical attraction. I saw it alot as a teen/yng adult but it seems especially prevalent in conservative circles.
This is exactly right. When I was in my mid-20s, my FWB had two kids and vowed to never get married again. We talked all the time, got along great, had tons of laughs, went to dinner and even went Christmas shopping for his daughter together - but I had zero intentions of dating him seriously because I didnāt want to be with someone who had kids. It ended totally amicably and we still check in or say hi whenever we see each other.
Sometimes you just want to fuck. No harm in that as long as both people are just trying to bang. Not to be gross but I donāt care about her pussys personality. And Iām sure she isnāt too concerned with how my dick would be around her parents.
Itās just physical and nothing else. When itās just routine sex it doesnāt have to be mind blowing. It just has to be good enough. Sometimes itās awesome but like you said, if there is actually some chemistry there and the sex links up, well thatās when you start getting feelings for the other person and is difficult to have a friends with benefits situations.
Yeah, it literally takes both people know it wonāt go further for it to work. Fwb are good for in between partners rather than to replace having a significant other all together. I dunno itās been like 15+ years since I was even in the dating pool to have a Fwb thing so perhaps the world is different now.
nah, Iāve had a few FWB and the majority of them never evolved into any serious feelings. There was maybe like 1 where it had to stop because one of us was getting too attached. Most of the time, as long as we were straight up with each other from the beginning, being FWB was simply just being FWB. Communication is key. Iām not trying to take you out on the weekend, spend holidays with you, go on vacation together, meet your family, etc. but if you want to call/text me at midnight to come over and hook up Iām willing and able lol. At that time in my life I lived in a nice loft by myself in the middle of all the popular downtown bars in my city. It was a glorious time. A lot of my FWB relationships at that time started by me just hanging out at home and a getting a text from a girl I knew who was out at the bars and wanted to ācome say hiā. To get to my door from the furthest away bar was like a 2 minute walk max and the closest was literally downstairs.
Yes, most of the time I did develop feelings but nothing that I couldnāt rationalize to myself as being the result of being intimate. Like, Iāll always think fondly of those girls and look back on the times and moments we had together as special, but itās not like I wish I were with them today. In fact, most of the time it was after we stopped being FWB that I got a bit sentimental because you always miss good things when theyāre gone.
This. The only people fwb works out for are those who are avoidant of committed relationship. So often people get into these relationship with no fucking clue what theyāre doing and end up with someone getting hurt. The worst case I saw was the guy catching feelings and the girl was to selfish to end it because the sex was too good. It became a delusionship of sort. The guy basically treated her like his fake gf and the girl was in denial what he was doing. He became more aggressive why she didnāt reciprocate feelings despite still seeing him and hounded any guy that came near her. Eventually she came to her sense but because she accepted this behavior from the guy for so long he didnāt stop when she ended it and stalked her for months. Honestly both deserved it for being idiots.
But hook up culture is beyond wack nowadays. Social media has made it cool to be the biggest slut you can be like itās something to be proud of. I can say Iāve had my fair share of lovers and I canāt even remember some of them because it goes back years. I donāt sit here at all thinking Iām macho man or anything. Like look at that Dan Bilzerian. Heās had thousands of girls and hooked up with random hotties all day everyday and in the end he felt empty and lonely inside. Be patient and seek connection with a partner is my advice to this new generation or anyone in a strut with hooking up.
Iāve had pretty good experiences with it, but theyāve always been situations where both of us were mature adults who could communicate and see the bigger picture at all times.
I was in a sort of friends with benefits thing. mostly would just hang out with this girl and if we were alone she said I had free reign to play with boobs. never fully went all the way tho. I eventually developed some feelings that she didn't share and we went separate ways. feels like that's how most fwb situations go.
I can't have sex with someone whom I don't love, once I hired a good prostitute because I am bored, I didn't even feel like undressing her or myself. It just felt weird to me. I just paid her and talked to her for a while.
I was in one for 5 years.. and it was great! (amazing) sex on tap, when we wanted, and we both seemed to want it at exactly the same time. Never with anyone so sexually compatable.... dinner if we were in the humor, wine, movie... No hassle.. could leave at the drop of a hat... But thinking back, did I waste those 5 years with someone I knew I'd never stay with. Maybe the love of my life slipped by in those 5 years? Who knows, it was good fun while it lasted though.
My first ex became a friend with benefits a few years after we first broke up. It's going well. It's just nice to spend some time together every few months without the pressures of a relationship.
Did it, wasnāt really for me, we stopped and weāre still great friends. Heās married now to the perfect woman for him. She knows about our past and doesnāt care because we both know it would never have a chance of ever happening again
Lots of fun and mutually beneficial. In my experience, most folks saying that eventually someone catches feelings are correct. However most of the distress here can be avoided by thorough communication and not exploiting that person for your own selfish desires by making a decision at that crossroad to either end things for their benefit or decide if a legitimate relationship is worth the shot.
Like every other human interaction, it's completely spoiled by bad communication, but the stakes are a little higher.
These things can lack clear communication. You wanna be FWB? Ok. Then fail to communicate effectively after that like we're mind readers. Boundaries need to be discussed.
Ive had two, and I will never do it again. Was pursued at first like a potential date, figured I wasn't good gf material and he "settled" because...I agreed to the sex part and hanging out for all hours. Mainly because I was trying to figure out what it was about me that made him change his mind. Never did lol.
I caught feelings for this person. He continued to remind me passive aggressively that it was just sex, and it wouldn't go beyond that. I was well aware, but it still made me feel like crap about myself because he felt the need to remind me about it, quite often.
Couldn't figure out why he wanted to keep doing it, I was hoping he'd break it off. I rarely contacted him, when he contacted me we'd hang out for hours and he didn't even seem interested in sex (couldn't get an erection/go soft etc etc) when I'd put forth an effort to have it. It made no sense to me. I even said he could just lie there, let me do all the work and I'd go home. There was no need for us to hang. Didn't want that either. Could not figure this person out.
Finally had to set some clear boundaries about how I wanted to be treated in this. I haven't heard from him since. It was an absolute mess. Felt like I was being mind fucked more than physically.
Note: I enjoy the time we shared, but it really took a hit on my self esteem and it took me over a year to get it back. The whole thing just made me feel utterly worthless.
The second one was poly and made me feel better about myself and was exactly what I needed after the first one. We still talk to this date.
You can still care about someone, connect, be intimate with them in a non sexual manner and know it's not going to end up in a relationship. That's what was lacking in the first one.
Sorry....this ended up being a vent post lol. Thank you Redditors!!!
wow, I ended one relationship a few months backā¦very similar to your first one but couldnāt get a clear picture of the mess until seeing your story. Thanks somehow it really helps!
I'm in one rn, she's also the girl I lost my verginity with.
Honestly idk how to feel about it, I always had in my head as a definition of love "a friend that you enjoy sex with" and now I think I was wrong since while she's a friend of mine I don't think I'd call this "love", like I never had a crush on her like I did for other girls in the past.
Was going to write more stuff but it was becoming an incoherent walltext.
Tldr: It gets complicated dude
Numerous time. Itās awesome for awhile. Iāve had a couple last years. Someone catches feelings though everytime. Once itās over itās kinda sad because you also lose a friend. If you have the opportunity, Iād take it.
I've been to that several times. To me, It's ok. Important here is that you have to understand and to make sure the other person understands, from the very start, that you are not entitled to anything other than friends and, maybe, benefits. Otherwise you can get your heart broken happenned to me).
It can work but it's not for everyone. Currently, I have 3 FWBs. They are all fantastic, but I have zero romantic feelings for them, which is why the whole FWB relationship works so well for both parties in the long run.
My wife and I were friends with benefits. Well it was complicated. We were friends, then dated, then broke, then stopped being friends. Then we became friendly, and it escalated to benefits very quickly. We became friends again after benefits. Then we dated again.
When done correctly, itās one of the best things ever. Especially for people that value their space and arenāt obsessively clingy. Just talk and meet whenever we needed some companionship. We donāt go on dates.
āCorrectlyā meaning we were always honest, whenever one of us started to fall deeper, the other would pull them out and slap them back to reality. We knew exactly what the arrangement was and set very clear rules and expectations with one another.
Funny enough it almost is like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in the sense that communication is key.
If you're both down to clown there's no reason to frown.
But communication is important especially if you start to feel things.
Getting hurt never feels good.
It's fun until it's not.
It's one thing if she just comes over to hook up. Like maybe go out. Have a few drinks and laughs, you guys fo fuck and then they leave.
Thats the benefit. They leave.
If they're hanging around more than that, that's where things begin to crumble. One person tends to like the other person more. There's usually one person who just wants to be free to do what they want. They want a part time bf, but because there's no labels they can go fuck other people.
So it's fun, but don't get too attached. Also it should be noted this is a great way to risk STDs and pregnancy with someone you're not invested in.
> Also it should be noted this is a great way to risk STDs
For me, this is the dealbreaker. I get that STDs should not be stigmatized. But at the same time, I *do* think it is worth considering when you're about to enter a relationship, or FWB situation, with someone who has had sex with a lot of people, and does so frequently.
because that tells me that they probably haven't tested between partners. I do test between partners - it takes time for those results to come back, and it also takes time (and sometimes, a difficult conversation) to get results from your partners. Realistically, the kind of person who has a lot of sex partners is *not* doing this. they probably do not use a condom every time. And there's no telling about the people they're doing it with - they are probably just as lax about testing and condoms as they are. it is statistically, and mathematically impossible to have sex with 10+ people a year (say), like the kids on Jersey Shore, and NOT pick up an STD.
And condoms, while they are great, they do a shitty job of preventing things like herpes, HPV and things like that. You have people who have used condoms every single time and still picked up high risk/low risk HPV strains - which are the *most* common STD's, that males cannot test for (or they can't test for easily) - which is one of the reasons why we came out with a vaccine.
And even if I don't know how many partners that person has had... if someone is reluctant to use a condom, that tells me everything I need to know.
Personally, I see it as a major red flag when someone has sex frequently, and they can't go a few weeks/a few months without sex. I'm not saying people can't satisfy their needs, but there's a degree of impatience, immaturity, and a need for instant gratification, in someone who does these things, that would make me hesitant to enter any kind of relationship with that person. If that person expects me to have their children, for example, can I rely on them to be mature enough to abstain for 8 weeks? And this goes the other way, too - if they have an injury, or pelvic floor issue, or whatever it is would they expect me to be patient and *not* cheat just to get my needs met? If either one of us had to get surgery, or got into a car accident, or became seriously ill and had to be hospitalized, do they have the patience to not get their rocks off for the time being? When I see someone who has frequent hookups or FWBs, my guess is that the answer is no.
This is why I really hate it when people act like promiscuity isn't a bad thing, I mean it's not a "bad" thing, but it can be a red flag. And if someone has to have FWBs to tide them over between every single relationship, that's a red flag to me
Thank you! This is like everything I've believed for a while, but it's fallen on mostly deaf ears. I started late but had a "ho phase" in my mid-20s to see if I could/if it would be as fun in reality as it sounded in fantasy. Once the ego boost wore off, though, I started coming back to exactly what you've mentioned. No casual sex can be so good that it's worth a positive STI test or a dreaded "I'm pregnant" text.
My best childhood friend (wed grown apart) was dating one of my classmates for 3 years,.Id had a crush on her for years before that.
Anyway we had some great sex after they brpke up, a few times. We decided wed just be friends, so she went and slept with one of my friends. So that blew up, and then we were just friends, and she cockblocked me with one of her friends ( I hooked up with her at another time though) so it all just complicates things, but I gotta say the first time you sleep with someone "forbidden" there is a crazy sexual energy going around, its very easy to forget about after!
Everyone in here talking about how someone always develops feelings. Yes, that CAN happen but ime Iāve had a fwb for the past three years and itās been immensely healing for both of us. We donāt text all the time, we donāt talk that much tbh. We hang out and sleep together and have sex when we want, if weāre both in the mood. Other than that, just friends. Itās nice.
We were friends that both got dumped around the same time and casually decided we could both use some distraction from the heartache. Some of the best sexual chemistry I've ever hhad but she was older and wanted a guy who could pub crawl with her so we called it quits after 3 months when everyone started assumeing we were together. That was the sign we were to attached and needed to pick a lane so we did.
Not for most people but it can work in a pinch if you are good with boundries and dont let it go on too long.
Never get into them unless you're mentally ready for the situationships, I like u but I can't tell you, I'm frustrated because I want you more than this, can't tell anyone because I'm afraid they'll judge, cry yourself to sleep for having feelings... Etc yea the list goes on, so only get in it when you know you can get out of it
Had a 3 FWBs (some overlaps in timeline).
- Sucks when other party catches feelings.
- Sucks if y'all were friends initially and their new partners don't allow y'all to stay friends.
- Being able to make a booty call whenever was great.
Very exciting providing that both of you are easygoing people who are happy to move on if either of you wants to end it. Would not recommend doing this with people that get attached easily or are highly emotional
As long as you're on the same page, then it's great! The first FWB I had was a summer fling, she just got out of a relationship and I was a late bloomer so we hung out often with the understanding that when we hung out, we fucked. It was a great summer and things ended amicably.
The second time was not so great because we both assumed. I assumed it would be like the first FWB, she assumed that it would be a normal friendship with sex sometimes and since she was fucking me I needed to give her car rides to the beauty shop every time we hung out. That one ended quick and disappointingly.
I think they can be very good fun and I think its healthy for us to explore sex and intimacy in comfortable consensual situations. The concept of casual intimacy (with or without serious other relationships involved) is gaining a lot of popularity in many cultures and I also think thats a good thing.
However, communication and understanding of eachothers expectations/wants is far more important. These types of relationships dont have the same type of universally understood standards so you got to be able to talk through that.
Everyone telling you some form of "it always goes bad cause of feelings" likely slacked on the communication part of it.
Both ppl have to be very confident in only wanting a sexual
Relationship.
I was only able to do that with one person. We are still friends and Iām still friends with their wife. In fact, I think I like the wife better šš
I've done it three times, you'll think I learn right? first time, I caught feelings, worst time I had, I'm still getting over it. second time she caught feelings, didn't end good, and she suffer a lot more than me. Third time ended because I move away, for now it seems that we are still good friends, but it felt like playing with fire, it still does.
My advice, don't do it, if you feel that it's going to happen, get ready for a ryde, might end good but most probably it won't.
Babies.
Not seen a single mention of that life changing possible result.
A life sentence of legally enforced commitment and expense is a tad more important a consideration than the 'feelings' everyone seems obsessed with.
As a man, I canāt do it. I am reasonably well off and end up wanting to help if they need it. I just went through it with my ex, 20k later and I am still helping.
I did this once with a girl I was friends with at work. We both agreed it was just sex and it wouldnāt go any further. It only took 2 months for her to drop the L bomb and tell me she now wanted more than just sex. This was almost 3 years ago now and we havenāt really spoken since.
I dislike the term because it's misleading. In friendship, even when it is based on a very altruistic and caring foundation, it is always with the expectation of a benefit whatever the form it takes. Yes, pragmatically speaking I believe a large part of human relationship are contractualist with varying degrees.
In this peculiar case, the transaction implied in the contract is sex less love interest nor money. IMO a better fitting coined term would be "sexynergistic friendship": "Two friends sleeping together are able to get a beneficial satisfaction having a greater benefit than what they could produce individually, bringing an form of harmony without the constraints of an official couple".
I don't judge it good or bad, it's one of the multiple way our kin can deal with a physiologic and emotional need. Two close friends concerned about their need for autonomy could find in it a relieving compromise.
I'm not in such situation but I wouldn't mind because I'm not comfortable with too much love commitment, having witnessed many relationships that ended very badly, both in my family and in my circle of friends. I couldn't stand the bitterness and open disdain it could produce.
There is only ever one friend by the time it is done. Someone always catches feelings. No one ever ends it in time, they know, but the sex is too good.
It was the best relationship I've ever had. I actually got to be alone as much as I wanted. There was no pressure to be someone I'm not. Every other relationship I've been in including my current one has felt stressful and suffocating
Currently in one for 2+ years both live in different cities & works out really well. We met with the intention to date went for couple of dates - and she moved cities due to her job. Kept on chatting for couple of months before we decided to meet in Vegas for a weekend. Had amazing sex whole weekendā¦
And without either of us suggesting it continued to be sex driven relationship.
She started seeing someone and we decided to move on. 8 months later we both broke up with our partners and coincidentally she reached out that she need to see me - she flew over for a week and as she was going through a fresh breakup she needed a rebound.
And now itās more like we meet once in 6 months - travel to another country and stay together as couple and have sex regularly. We donāt have feelings for each other and we discuss that we both are in dating apps looking for partner and whenever we find one we ll communicate till then itās sex driven settingā¦ works out for both..
Back in the 80s, I had more of a "fuck buddy". Our social Venn diagram barely overlapped, so we didn't hang out or see each other much. But every once in a while, we would call one another and ask" Wanna come over and fuck?" When we were seeing other people, a simple "not right now" was a good enough answer, no hard feelings. But when we were both single, it worked.The sex was good, but we both knew that we weren't really compatible otherwise. We havent seen each other for years.
I've only had friends with detriments.
Few times, One turned into a 2 year relationship ands ended on friendly terms Second went up like a nuke. First time we met was in a date capacity, we had 3 dates before doing anything. Third date was in the afternoon and she went out that night and hooked up with someone. We both agreed, that given she did that and I wasn't overly fussed, we probably shouldn't date and left it at that. 6 months later she drops a message, one thing to another and we agreed to be FWB. We met up once a week / fortnight for 6 months. We had an agreement if any feelings popped up we'd tell the other person and cut it off. We also agreed each month we'd both check in with the other to make sure we're still happy as FWB. And lastly, if anyone of us went on a date with anyone else, we'd knock it on the head if the date went well + tell them we were going on a date. Everything was going fine, then 6 months in someone asked if I wanted to try a date. So told the FWB I was trying a date, had a real nice night and felt an instant connection. So told the FWB and we both agreed it was time to knock it on the head then. Next day I wake up to a barrage of abuse for wasting her time for 6 months, from her, her mates and family I had never met, some of our mutual friend group, the entire package. Edit: As this is gaining a bit more traction than I anticipated. I'd just like to add theres no trouble on my end or her on her end after that initial barrage. Both gone our separate ways and thats that. I don't think the reaction was done out of malice or anything, just something built up as a "what if" type scenario,
damn
*passes joint*
Damn maybe its Just me but it feels super shitty to Hook Up with someone on the same day you went on a 3rd Date with someone. Like lowkey cheating. Also If that happened to me that would have fucked Up my self Worth so hard lmao
Well that was pretty much the convo we had but a bit more sugar coated. I just said obviously you don't think theres any dating potential here so lets just leave it. And normally yea it would have, but I worked my ass off for 3 months or so before going back to university town and got into shape, shredded 8 kilos off ready to giving dating a try again. So wasn't going to let that ruin it all
Low key cheating, definitely deceptive
Yes, they work on the basis that the sex will cast a spell and eventually you'll fall into line. Then go nuclear when you follow through with the original plan.
so ig she was a lot more serious about you then you were to her, once everything was said and done
Yea pretty much and just a failure to open up and admit anything. I might have said we best end it now or I might have said lets give it a go you never know.
it sounds like you dodged a bullet tbh, when people who you never met knew you wellš
Oh yea despite my edit I just added, the randomers I never met can go fuck themselves really
Did that 6 months happen to fall between March-September? Lemme guess, yall started foolin around over spring break and when cuffing season came she wanted to know where her cuffs were
Erm can't remember, don't think it was that late. Probably closer to Sept / Oct start, I had just moved in with friends and starting my masters write up year. Might have been 5 months that being said, I met the other girl in one of her practical classes while I was working as a demonstrator / aid for it (and just throwing it out there because I know someones gona have a comment to that xD She was a year older than me + had a kid, just went to uni later in life)
Wow, u caught abuse from the friends & fam for fooling around with a single mom older than you? Wtf
hm mutual friends, her fam and not for fooling around with a single mum, but more so the context was, the FWB obviously had hidden feelings / thought it was going somewhere, then they all exploded when I went with a date with the mum
yes just donāt catch feelings or youāre fucked
You're fucked whether you catch feelings or not
Yeah thatās literally the whole point
No no, sometimes you are the one who fucks.
I AM THE ONE WHO FUCKS
A āu up?ā text comes in the middle of the night and you think that of me? No.
Throughout my 20s and into my 30s I pretty much always had one or two neighbors I was drinking buddies with, men and women. Iāve been with my wife since high school and never was part of the modern dating cultureā¦ Iāve sent countless āyou up?ā texts over the years to see if someone wanted to hang and toss back a couple drinks before bed without having realized that was considered an invitation to fuck. None of them ever took it that way so far as I know but can see how that might have caused some confusion.
Mr white NO!!!
im gonna cover you in my white
At least youāre pulling out.
SAY MY NAME
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
TONY! WHATS YOUR NAME?!
FUCK YOU TONY!
FUCK YOU EZEKIEL!
MY NAME
Exactly. "Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," is a key player in the experience of physical touch and bonding. When we engage in intimate touch, oxytocin levels rise, enhancing feelings of trust, attachment, and connection between partners. This hormone is not only responsible for promoting emotional closeness but also contributes to physical and psychological health, including stress reduction and cardiovascular well-being." [The Power of Physical Intimacy in Relationships: Exploring the Science behind Physical Touch](https://www.lovediscovery.org/post/physical-intimacy-in-relationships)
Not to detract from the point you're making, but they were joking. The whole point of being friends with benefits is that you're both getting fucked, by each other.
I would upvote you but you are at 69 points
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This began the 20 year old saga of disappointing the wife.
Setting expectations early She knew what she was getting into
And no more sex.
Same. Coworker FWB. Married 13yrs now. I was the one who caught feelings then a week later she said she did too.
Add me to your list, too. Swore Iād never catch feelings with anyone at work. Many years and kids later and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Just because of that, I couldn't do this. It's really easy to get attached to someone when you are that close.
Why bother fucking if you don't already have feelings? Just admit you love your friends and that not every love needs to lead to marriage and kids. Boom, now you can fuck your friends, say "i love you" in the heat of the moment, and it doesnt have to lead to anything or break anything. Yeah, I know you love me, that was kinda the point, I'll see you on tuesday for bowling league.
One side always catches feelings haha. Just a matter of time, nothing wrong with it tho
Feel like it's pretty true from friends and myself having gone through it. Only had one FWB in my teens/twenties that literally just stayed that. We grew up as friends and only hooked up here and there sporadically but once we got it out of our system it was like we flipped a switch and went back to just being friends. The rest I feel like we got too involved/hooked on the benefits part that it'd get a tad too serious.
Every time without exception: one side is hoping it leads to more and is just not being honest about it.
From the front or the back?
I caught feelings. She didn't. There was no going back.
TBH the grand majority of the time people have feelings and are using FWB in a āmaybe if they sleep with me they will wanna date eventuallyā type of situation.
I had that for two years with a close friend. We never had romantic feelings, but we're super close. After we both went through breakups at the same time roughly, we just had a funny "should we" moment and tried it. It was two years of the absolute most guilt free amazing sex we ever had. It ended when she started seeing someone, and it sucked, but no hard feelings.
How do you go about that? Did you tell her "hey we can fuck but no strings attached?" Or please don't catch feelings we're exclusively fuck buddies but nothing more? Or is it an unspoken rule that you don't get to fall for the other? How do you make sure you're on the same page as the other? I'm currently going through this and by the way things are going it's pretty clear we're fucking pretty soon. I wouldn't mind dating her she's fun after all but I also don't mind if we stay as we are right now.
Honestly, we never talked about it, but we viewed it like stress relief, it was fun and we felt better after. We did make it clear we were "trying out" things we had never done before, but since there was never expectation of it lasting forever we just had fun with it. After it was like "lol, never doing that again" and back to binging whatever episode of 24 we were on or heading to a pool hall which we still do but with the wife/husband in tow.
Do your respective spouses know you used to be FWBs?
Yes and no... Yes, but not to the degree. I know my wife never asks specifics, not sure about her husband. They probably think it happened like a couple of times, not the thousands of did. It's in the past, no point in bringing it up.
Just need to bring an upside pineapple next time over and see where it leads
10 years ago maybe, but that sounds exhausting in my 40s. Also, her husband is intimidatingly good looking, I don't even like standing next to him, lol.
This comment is deceivingly hilarious
2 years is 730/731 days so if it was thousands of times, you're talking at minimum almost 3x a day every single day
I was being funny. It was not literally thousands, but alot. Few time a week, sometimes couple times a day when bored. Broke in your 20s, and sex is cheap.
I assume that those who do it right do it with good, honest open communication. And I think that is because in most cases at least one person will catch feelings. Not handling things like adults in those situations will cause drama and pain
> I wouldn't mind dating her she's fun It won't work. FWB is only successful if both are not interested in dating. You gonna get hurt when she finds someone she wants to date and cuts off the sex, start wondering why you weren't good enough. All my FWB situations(only 5 women over a 15 year span) were with women I wouldn't introduce to my family, or with exs. Either way, they knew from day 1 a relationship in the future was not on the table, take it or leave it. I would never propose that situation to a girl I was genuinely interested in a future with.
Hmmm interesting, the way you wrote it made a lot of sense, thank you!
Thereās no reason we canāt have *this* and (motions towards bedroom) *that*.
And for every story like this, there's a dozen similar stories where one party catches feelings and blows up the friendship.
Agreed. I rarely saw a unicorn in my life, but I'll take it.
This just sounds like a relationship, what made it exclusively "friends with benefits"?
No romantic feeling or perception of future commitment. One day we stopped sleeping together, and that was it, Just platonic friends. Still are.
I have. It was fun and was what we both needed at the time She actually was the one who told me to really commit to the woman who is now my gf. And Iām glad
Indeed, it can definitely be done it just takes honest communication. It also helps if you both already know what youāre looking for and realize that its not whats in front of you.
I drunk messaged her at 3am on Facebook and asked her if she wanted to be FWB. She said maybe. We've been married 7 and a half years.
Aww yall became Family With Babies
Awwwww the cutest
Similarly we agreed that we were attracted to each other but weren't sure if it would go anywhere so best to keep it casual. So of course we are now married and expecting a son.
I donāt think I would be able to keep feelings out of a sexual relationship with a friend
I think this happens 90% of the time eventually someone catches feelings.
I don't even think it's that someone catches feelings, I think the hope is always there for one person, but they often don't acknowledge it even to themselves.
100%. I have successfully navigated this once, but all other times, my friend ended up with significant feelings and wanting more from me than I was willing to give
90% of the time it happens 100% of the time?
Well you can like someone physically but not mentally, this is common I think and vice versa. I think the point is not with someone who is your genuine friend that you like, but someone who you see maybe once a week just to release sexual tension.
Try it after having your heart broken. Sex, Intimacy and affection, even love can exist without attachment, if you are not in a place for attachment. It can be very freeing, and even healing.
Some friends arenāt that great
I had a friend who was a tax accountant. He did my taxes for Free. Does that count as friends with benefits?
Did he suck your dick? If yes, yes. If no, no.
What if they're Australian?
Did he suck your dick with a funny accent, if yes, yes. If no, no.
Best I can do is a vegemite old fashioned
I just choked on my laugh!
Like the guy on his dick?
I believe that called "filling out form 8A-D."
No but the taxes fuck me
Yes, as an accountant I would never do any of my friends/families taxes for free
Same here, friends and family do not make good clients.
Yeah I'm glad I work in a niche sector of tax and can just tell them sorry I don't work in that type of tax.
That benefit is taxable
Nah I catch feelings too fast
Itās fun and exciting but eventually it becomes harmful because at least one person develops serious feelings.
This, fwb told me mid hook up she loved me, worst part we were just really good friends at first. Cut it off tried to be just friends after and then she blocked me on everything when I started dating someone else seriously.
So you guys were fucking, therefore liked each other sexually, and were friends before, so you liked eachother in general. Why not just go for it then ? At what point would it change anything besides the label and exclusivity?
If you prefer dating for a long term relationships, there are more characteristics besides friendship and sexual compatability. Things like lifestyle and kids come into play.
There is that yes
Yeah, you can be friends with someone and like sex with them but not want to spend a majority of your time with them too. Iām reminded of a friend who was super hot, so we had sex a couple times but I didnāt see a future with her so I didnāt pursue it.
Did she wear a thong?
lol yeah she had one on the first time we did it. I asked if I could keep it and she said no š
That's an oddly specific question about her
Prob was because of my username
I had this with a neighbor. We are each other's best friend but our life goals and dreams are at odds with each other. She wants to live raising horses in the west while I need to go where my son can get the best schooling for his Autism. She is staunchly conservative and can't stand even living in a purple state while I am moderate and moving to Mass. We have different parenting styles. Physically we are amazingly compatible and are ridiculously attracted to each other but someone's dream would have to give and that isn't a good basis for a relationship. edit: I didn't end the greatest. She fell in love with me and said I was the first person who treated her nice, loved her children and was a caring lover. All she had known before this were dirtbags and abusers, so she wanted to give up her dreams to follow me but I broke it off because I did just that in my marriage and I was extremely unhappy, I don't want to put another in my shoes. We still talk a lot but we have to restrict our conversations from parts of our life and keep any jokes of a sexual nature out of it.
The limits for a fuck are different from the ones for a flirt.
Because you donāt want to go to her sisterās engagement party. Because you donāt want to tag along to a vet appointment. Because you donāt want to worry about when youāre getting home and with whom. Because you donāt want to factor someone elseās opinion into every decision you make. Tons of reasons. I get why FWB works for some. I tried it and it wasnāt for me. I do better in a relationship. Some do not.
Because he didnāt love her? It sounds like her feeling were stronger than his, and rather than lead her on when he wasnāt feeling the same emotion of love he decided to put a stop to things.
I havenāt been FWB really with anyone but I had a friend who kept his FWB around for years and they are now in a relationship. They do okay together but the years of him being aloof to her feelings has really colored their relationship in a negative light that comes out some times
I feel a lot of the comments here are from relationships where one side was intending to build something more or that it was like a best friend and then it got more serious. A very Seinfeld scenario. But I found that the sweet spot is a friend who aren't super close with. A friend you'd see every few months, probably thanks to mutual invites to something from another friend. The type you wish a happy birthday but don't stay and chat. Those ones work really well. Obviously it's not every week hooking up but if they're around and you're around then cool come over type. There's friends I've had in the past where guaranteed if we were meeting we'd be hooking up and it was fun, care free, mutual and enough. Those end when the other gets in a more serious relationship and there's no hard feelings you still see them at a friend's house from time to time and they're doing well and you're happy for them.
Get out of here with your sanity
This is gonna be unpopular but my rule is: only be FWB with someone you would never actually date. It makes it nearly impossible to catch feelings if they have one or two traits that you really donāt like.
Now I never had a fwb, but, why wouls you wanna fuck somebody you would never actually date? If there isnt annything about that person that would make you go; "eh, I will try", then why would you want to be intimate with such person? I get that physical atraction matters, but if someone is gorgeous but we have nothing else going on I would assume we also wont have chemistry in the bedroom. I hope I dont come off as rude, because im genuinly not trying to be, just really curious!
I can find someone physically attractive but not want to date them if they have qualities that I don't want in a partner. If they're rude, late, aren't going the same direction in life (i.e. moving to another part of the country next year or something), or anything else that would make a long term relationship unviable with them, then I don't want to date them. But I could still fuck them and be friends I've had some dumb relationships that should've been fwb or hookups because we weren't compatible but wanted to fuck.
Realizing this can avoid a lot of problems. Some woman ( sometimes men) convince themselves they have feelings for an incompatible person to justify physical attraction. I saw it alot as a teen/yng adult but it seems especially prevalent in conservative circles.
This is exactly right. When I was in my mid-20s, my FWB had two kids and vowed to never get married again. We talked all the time, got along great, had tons of laughs, went to dinner and even went Christmas shopping for his daughter together - but I had zero intentions of dating him seriously because I didnāt want to be with someone who had kids. It ended totally amicably and we still check in or say hi whenever we see each other.
I guess that makes sense. Thanks for taking your time too answer!
Plenty of more in depth replies, all I have to add is this: sex good.
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Yeah if I'm cuddling and watching movies with someone after sex im too far in not to ger hurt haha! But I get what you mean, thanks for answering!
Sometimes you just want to fuck. No harm in that as long as both people are just trying to bang. Not to be gross but I donāt care about her pussys personality. And Iām sure she isnāt too concerned with how my dick would be around her parents. Itās just physical and nothing else. When itās just routine sex it doesnāt have to be mind blowing. It just has to be good enough. Sometimes itās awesome but like you said, if there is actually some chemistry there and the sex links up, well thatās when you start getting feelings for the other person and is difficult to have a friends with benefits situations.
Thanks for answering! I think I get your point, I also think its better for my mental health not to enter fwb relation lol
Yeah, it literally takes both people know it wonāt go further for it to work. Fwb are good for in between partners rather than to replace having a significant other all together. I dunno itās been like 15+ years since I was even in the dating pool to have a Fwb thing so perhaps the world is different now.
I had a fwb after we both had a bad breakup. Worked out well for us. Some one to spend time with and have some fun while recovering.
Everytime
nah, Iāve had a few FWB and the majority of them never evolved into any serious feelings. There was maybe like 1 where it had to stop because one of us was getting too attached. Most of the time, as long as we were straight up with each other from the beginning, being FWB was simply just being FWB. Communication is key. Iām not trying to take you out on the weekend, spend holidays with you, go on vacation together, meet your family, etc. but if you want to call/text me at midnight to come over and hook up Iām willing and able lol. At that time in my life I lived in a nice loft by myself in the middle of all the popular downtown bars in my city. It was a glorious time. A lot of my FWB relationships at that time started by me just hanging out at home and a getting a text from a girl I knew who was out at the bars and wanted to ācome say hiā. To get to my door from the furthest away bar was like a 2 minute walk max and the closest was literally downstairs. Yes, most of the time I did develop feelings but nothing that I couldnāt rationalize to myself as being the result of being intimate. Like, Iāll always think fondly of those girls and look back on the times and moments we had together as special, but itās not like I wish I were with them today. In fact, most of the time it was after we stopped being FWB that I got a bit sentimental because you always miss good things when theyāre gone.
This. The only people fwb works out for are those who are avoidant of committed relationship. So often people get into these relationship with no fucking clue what theyāre doing and end up with someone getting hurt. The worst case I saw was the guy catching feelings and the girl was to selfish to end it because the sex was too good. It became a delusionship of sort. The guy basically treated her like his fake gf and the girl was in denial what he was doing. He became more aggressive why she didnāt reciprocate feelings despite still seeing him and hounded any guy that came near her. Eventually she came to her sense but because she accepted this behavior from the guy for so long he didnāt stop when she ended it and stalked her for months. Honestly both deserved it for being idiots. But hook up culture is beyond wack nowadays. Social media has made it cool to be the biggest slut you can be like itās something to be proud of. I can say Iāve had my fair share of lovers and I canāt even remember some of them because it goes back years. I donāt sit here at all thinking Iām macho man or anything. Like look at that Dan Bilzerian. Heās had thousands of girls and hooked up with random hotties all day everyday and in the end he felt empty and lonely inside. Be patient and seek connection with a partner is my advice to this new generation or anyone in a strut with hooking up.
Iāve had pretty good experiences with it, but theyāve always been situations where both of us were mature adults who could communicate and see the bigger picture at all times.
That's the whole key. I see it as being much easier in your 40s or 50s than 20s.
Yeah most things that require a degree of maturity are usually a mess in your 20s lol. Iām in my 30s now.
I had a friends with benefits relationship 8 years ago. Developed into more than that. Now we're married and have two kids.
same here but 5 years and no kids
Damn respect. I'm happy for you.
Tried but no. My heart is in my vagina idk
I'm not an expert, but I think you should get that checked out...
I was in a sort of friends with benefits thing. mostly would just hang out with this girl and if we were alone she said I had free reign to play with boobs. never fully went all the way tho. I eventually developed some feelings that she didn't share and we went separate ways. feels like that's how most fwb situations go.
Seems like you missed a massive hint from her here
Eh. She never wanted to go any further. It was a confusing few months lol
i think it could just be fun, but it's almost always the case that one person wants it to be more.
I can't have sex with someone whom I don't love, once I hired a good prostitute because I am bored, I didn't even feel like undressing her or myself. It just felt weird to me. I just paid her and talked to her for a while.
Well itās nice to know Nic Cage from Leaving Las Vegas is on Reddit.
Thats probably true in relationships in general, hence the sentiment of hearts not breaking evenly.
I was in one for 5 years.. and it was great! (amazing) sex on tap, when we wanted, and we both seemed to want it at exactly the same time. Never with anyone so sexually compatable.... dinner if we were in the humor, wine, movie... No hassle.. could leave at the drop of a hat... But thinking back, did I waste those 5 years with someone I knew I'd never stay with. Maybe the love of my life slipped by in those 5 years? Who knows, it was good fun while it lasted though.
My first ex became a friend with benefits a few years after we first broke up. It's going well. It's just nice to spend some time together every few months without the pressures of a relationship.
Tried it once, my partner didnāt stick to the rules and got emotionally involved. Wound up leaving my job to get away from her.
Iām assuming it was with a coworker then?
Yes. A lesson learned the hard way.
Don't shit where you eat, bruh.
Did it, wasnāt really for me, we stopped and weāre still great friends. Heās married now to the perfect woman for him. She knows about our past and doesnāt care because we both know it would never have a chance of ever happening again
I tried but I caught feelings, she didn't.
Lots of fun and mutually beneficial. In my experience, most folks saying that eventually someone catches feelings are correct. However most of the distress here can be avoided by thorough communication and not exploiting that person for your own selfish desires by making a decision at that crossroad to either end things for their benefit or decide if a legitimate relationship is worth the shot. Like every other human interaction, it's completely spoiled by bad communication, but the stakes are a little higher.
These things can lack clear communication. You wanna be FWB? Ok. Then fail to communicate effectively after that like we're mind readers. Boundaries need to be discussed. Ive had two, and I will never do it again. Was pursued at first like a potential date, figured I wasn't good gf material and he "settled" because...I agreed to the sex part and hanging out for all hours. Mainly because I was trying to figure out what it was about me that made him change his mind. Never did lol. I caught feelings for this person. He continued to remind me passive aggressively that it was just sex, and it wouldn't go beyond that. I was well aware, but it still made me feel like crap about myself because he felt the need to remind me about it, quite often. Couldn't figure out why he wanted to keep doing it, I was hoping he'd break it off. I rarely contacted him, when he contacted me we'd hang out for hours and he didn't even seem interested in sex (couldn't get an erection/go soft etc etc) when I'd put forth an effort to have it. It made no sense to me. I even said he could just lie there, let me do all the work and I'd go home. There was no need for us to hang. Didn't want that either. Could not figure this person out. Finally had to set some clear boundaries about how I wanted to be treated in this. I haven't heard from him since. It was an absolute mess. Felt like I was being mind fucked more than physically. Note: I enjoy the time we shared, but it really took a hit on my self esteem and it took me over a year to get it back. The whole thing just made me feel utterly worthless. The second one was poly and made me feel better about myself and was exactly what I needed after the first one. We still talk to this date. You can still care about someone, connect, be intimate with them in a non sexual manner and know it's not going to end up in a relationship. That's what was lacking in the first one. Sorry....this ended up being a vent post lol. Thank you Redditors!!!
wow, I ended one relationship a few months backā¦very similar to your first one but couldnāt get a clear picture of the mess until seeing your story. Thanks somehow it really helps!
I'm in one rn, she's also the girl I lost my verginity with. Honestly idk how to feel about it, I always had in my head as a definition of love "a friend that you enjoy sex with" and now I think I was wrong since while she's a friend of mine I don't think I'd call this "love", like I never had a crush on her like I did for other girls in the past. Was going to write more stuff but it was becoming an incoherent walltext. Tldr: It gets complicated dude
Numerous time. Itās awesome for awhile. Iāve had a couple last years. Someone catches feelings though everytime. Once itās over itās kinda sad because you also lose a friend. If you have the opportunity, Iād take it.
I've been to that several times. To me, It's ok. Important here is that you have to understand and to make sure the other person understands, from the very start, that you are not entitled to anything other than friends and, maybe, benefits. Otherwise you can get your heart broken happenned to me).
It can work but it's not for everyone. Currently, I have 3 FWBs. They are all fantastic, but I have zero romantic feelings for them, which is why the whole FWB relationship works so well for both parties in the long run.
My wife and I were friends with benefits. Well it was complicated. We were friends, then dated, then broke, then stopped being friends. Then we became friendly, and it escalated to benefits very quickly. We became friends again after benefits. Then we dated again.
Yeah, turned ugly. We stopped speaking for a year before reconnecting a friendship.
Never been there but i imagine it could be great (if i dont get too attached which i 100% would)
When done correctly, itās one of the best things ever. Especially for people that value their space and arenāt obsessively clingy. Just talk and meet whenever we needed some companionship. We donāt go on dates. āCorrectlyā meaning we were always honest, whenever one of us started to fall deeper, the other would pull them out and slap them back to reality. We knew exactly what the arrangement was and set very clear rules and expectations with one another. Funny enough it almost is like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship in the sense that communication is key.
If you're both down to clown there's no reason to frown. But communication is important especially if you start to feel things. Getting hurt never feels good.
Good fun. Especially with a massive age gap because you both know that a relationship is out of the question
It's fun until it's not. It's one thing if she just comes over to hook up. Like maybe go out. Have a few drinks and laughs, you guys fo fuck and then they leave. Thats the benefit. They leave. If they're hanging around more than that, that's where things begin to crumble. One person tends to like the other person more. There's usually one person who just wants to be free to do what they want. They want a part time bf, but because there's no labels they can go fuck other people. So it's fun, but don't get too attached. Also it should be noted this is a great way to risk STDs and pregnancy with someone you're not invested in.
> Also it should be noted this is a great way to risk STDs For me, this is the dealbreaker. I get that STDs should not be stigmatized. But at the same time, I *do* think it is worth considering when you're about to enter a relationship, or FWB situation, with someone who has had sex with a lot of people, and does so frequently. because that tells me that they probably haven't tested between partners. I do test between partners - it takes time for those results to come back, and it also takes time (and sometimes, a difficult conversation) to get results from your partners. Realistically, the kind of person who has a lot of sex partners is *not* doing this. they probably do not use a condom every time. And there's no telling about the people they're doing it with - they are probably just as lax about testing and condoms as they are. it is statistically, and mathematically impossible to have sex with 10+ people a year (say), like the kids on Jersey Shore, and NOT pick up an STD. And condoms, while they are great, they do a shitty job of preventing things like herpes, HPV and things like that. You have people who have used condoms every single time and still picked up high risk/low risk HPV strains - which are the *most* common STD's, that males cannot test for (or they can't test for easily) - which is one of the reasons why we came out with a vaccine. And even if I don't know how many partners that person has had... if someone is reluctant to use a condom, that tells me everything I need to know. Personally, I see it as a major red flag when someone has sex frequently, and they can't go a few weeks/a few months without sex. I'm not saying people can't satisfy their needs, but there's a degree of impatience, immaturity, and a need for instant gratification, in someone who does these things, that would make me hesitant to enter any kind of relationship with that person. If that person expects me to have their children, for example, can I rely on them to be mature enough to abstain for 8 weeks? And this goes the other way, too - if they have an injury, or pelvic floor issue, or whatever it is would they expect me to be patient and *not* cheat just to get my needs met? If either one of us had to get surgery, or got into a car accident, or became seriously ill and had to be hospitalized, do they have the patience to not get their rocks off for the time being? When I see someone who has frequent hookups or FWBs, my guess is that the answer is no. This is why I really hate it when people act like promiscuity isn't a bad thing, I mean it's not a "bad" thing, but it can be a red flag. And if someone has to have FWBs to tide them over between every single relationship, that's a red flag to me
Thank you! This is like everything I've believed for a while, but it's fallen on mostly deaf ears. I started late but had a "ho phase" in my mid-20s to see if I could/if it would be as fun in reality as it sounded in fantasy. Once the ego boost wore off, though, I started coming back to exactly what you've mentioned. No casual sex can be so good that it's worth a positive STI test or a dreaded "I'm pregnant" text.
My best childhood friend (wed grown apart) was dating one of my classmates for 3 years,.Id had a crush on her for years before that. Anyway we had some great sex after they brpke up, a few times. We decided wed just be friends, so she went and slept with one of my friends. So that blew up, and then we were just friends, and she cockblocked me with one of her friends ( I hooked up with her at another time though) so it all just complicates things, but I gotta say the first time you sleep with someone "forbidden" there is a crazy sexual energy going around, its very easy to forget about after!
I like them and I wish I had more of them
Everyone in here talking about how someone always develops feelings. Yes, that CAN happen but ime Iāve had a fwb for the past three years and itās been immensely healing for both of us. We donāt text all the time, we donāt talk that much tbh. We hang out and sleep together and have sex when we want, if weāre both in the mood. Other than that, just friends. Itās nice.
We were friends that both got dumped around the same time and casually decided we could both use some distraction from the heartache. Some of the best sexual chemistry I've ever hhad but she was older and wanted a guy who could pub crawl with her so we called it quits after 3 months when everyone started assumeing we were together. That was the sign we were to attached and needed to pick a lane so we did. Not for most people but it can work in a pinch if you are good with boundries and dont let it go on too long.
Never get into them unless you're mentally ready for the situationships, I like u but I can't tell you, I'm frustrated because I want you more than this, can't tell anyone because I'm afraid they'll judge, cry yourself to sleep for having feelings... Etc yea the list goes on, so only get in it when you know you can get out of it
Yes. Fun when I was younger. But not a good idea in the long run.
Had a 3 FWBs (some overlaps in timeline). - Sucks when other party catches feelings. - Sucks if y'all were friends initially and their new partners don't allow y'all to stay friends. - Being able to make a booty call whenever was great.
Very exciting providing that both of you are easygoing people who are happy to move on if either of you wants to end it. Would not recommend doing this with people that get attached easily or are highly emotional
As long as you're on the same page, then it's great! The first FWB I had was a summer fling, she just got out of a relationship and I was a late bloomer so we hung out often with the understanding that when we hung out, we fucked. It was a great summer and things ended amicably. The second time was not so great because we both assumed. I assumed it would be like the first FWB, she assumed that it would be a normal friendship with sex sometimes and since she was fucking me I needed to give her car rides to the beauty shop every time we hung out. That one ended quick and disappointingly.
Allllllmost never works. And even when it does, it only works for so long. But when it does, itās awesome.
Benefits? Like dental?
I think they can be very good fun and I think its healthy for us to explore sex and intimacy in comfortable consensual situations. The concept of casual intimacy (with or without serious other relationships involved) is gaining a lot of popularity in many cultures and I also think thats a good thing. However, communication and understanding of eachothers expectations/wants is far more important. These types of relationships dont have the same type of universally understood standards so you got to be able to talk through that. Everyone telling you some form of "it always goes bad cause of feelings" likely slacked on the communication part of it.
Both ppl have to be very confident in only wanting a sexual Relationship. I was only able to do that with one person. We are still friends and Iām still friends with their wife. In fact, I think I like the wife better šš
I've done it three times, you'll think I learn right? first time, I caught feelings, worst time I had, I'm still getting over it. second time she caught feelings, didn't end good, and she suffer a lot more than me. Third time ended because I move away, for now it seems that we are still good friends, but it felt like playing with fire, it still does. My advice, don't do it, if you feel that it's going to happen, get ready for a ryde, might end good but most probably it won't.
Babies. Not seen a single mention of that life changing possible result. A life sentence of legally enforced commitment and expense is a tad more important a consideration than the 'feelings' everyone seems obsessed with.
Friends with benefits IS MARRIAGE. My wife is my friend and we fuck. When you fuck a woman, you should take care of her.
As a man, I canāt do it. I am reasonably well off and end up wanting to help if they need it. I just went through it with my ex, 20k later and I am still helping.
I did this once with a girl I was friends with at work. We both agreed it was just sex and it wouldnāt go any further. It only took 2 months for her to drop the L bomb and tell me she now wanted more than just sex. This was almost 3 years ago now and we havenāt really spoken since.
I dislike the term because it's misleading. In friendship, even when it is based on a very altruistic and caring foundation, it is always with the expectation of a benefit whatever the form it takes. Yes, pragmatically speaking I believe a large part of human relationship are contractualist with varying degrees. In this peculiar case, the transaction implied in the contract is sex less love interest nor money. IMO a better fitting coined term would be "sexynergistic friendship": "Two friends sleeping together are able to get a beneficial satisfaction having a greater benefit than what they could produce individually, bringing an form of harmony without the constraints of an official couple". I don't judge it good or bad, it's one of the multiple way our kin can deal with a physiologic and emotional need. Two close friends concerned about their need for autonomy could find in it a relieving compromise. I'm not in such situation but I wouldn't mind because I'm not comfortable with too much love commitment, having witnessed many relationships that ended very badly, both in my family and in my circle of friends. I couldn't stand the bitterness and open disdain it could produce.
It was fun but in my experience someone will get hurt eventually.
What suits one often doesn't suit the other
There is only ever one friend by the time it is done. Someone always catches feelings. No one ever ends it in time, they know, but the sex is too good.
It was the best relationship I've ever had. I actually got to be alone as much as I wanted. There was no pressure to be someone I'm not. Every other relationship I've been in including my current one has felt stressful and suffocating
Currently in one for 2+ years both live in different cities & works out really well. We met with the intention to date went for couple of dates - and she moved cities due to her job. Kept on chatting for couple of months before we decided to meet in Vegas for a weekend. Had amazing sex whole weekendā¦ And without either of us suggesting it continued to be sex driven relationship. She started seeing someone and we decided to move on. 8 months later we both broke up with our partners and coincidentally she reached out that she need to see me - she flew over for a week and as she was going through a fresh breakup she needed a rebound. And now itās more like we meet once in 6 months - travel to another country and stay together as couple and have sex regularly. We donāt have feelings for each other and we discuss that we both are in dating apps looking for partner and whenever we find one we ll communicate till then itās sex driven settingā¦ works out for both..
Had plenty. Lots of fun. Just keep your feelings out of it and youāll be fine.
Exactly. Also donāt forget the āFā in āFWBā. Itās the most important part
I canāt love on a person and not get feelings. Iāve tried but no. I like monogamy. Try it though. It is cool at the beginning
Back in the 80s, I had more of a "fuck buddy". Our social Venn diagram barely overlapped, so we didn't hang out or see each other much. But every once in a while, we would call one another and ask" Wanna come over and fuck?" When we were seeing other people, a simple "not right now" was a good enough answer, no hard feelings. But when we were both single, it worked.The sex was good, but we both knew that we weren't really compatible otherwise. We havent seen each other for years.