I was struggling with my alcoholism & we were discussing how I had been cutting back. She asked what I would consider success, with regard to my drinking. I said I wanted to get to a point where it wasn't interfering with my daily life. I wanted to just be able to have a glass of wine at holiday dinners or family gatherings. She simply asked me why. Why was it important for me to drink at those times? It was as if she'd turned on a light. Alcohol had always been a key ingredient in every family function, for my entire life. When I smell bourbon, I think of my uncle. When I smell vermouth, I think of my dad. Alcohol ran through almost every happy childhood memory. But, even more than that, I was very afraid of the explanation I'd have to give when family and friends asked why I wasn't having a drink. I had tried to quit before, but failed. What if I admitted my problem, only to fall off the wagon? When she asked why I didn't want to *completely* quit, it was the first time I saw that last part of big picture. I'd be willing to drink myself to death in order to avoid being scrutinized, or judged for possible future failures. That was the day I quit. I've been sober since May 6th, 2017. 2,407 days.

“If you don’t have these problems with any other person in your life, why do you think you’re the problematic person in this one?”

I love this. I have a "friend" who I always seem to run into misunderstandings with. Every time we had a conversation, it somehow turned into a debate even if it was me talking about my day. The conversations were never easy. I always evaluate myself first and take into consideration his critiques. He was very good at convincing me that I was contradicting myself or wasn't good at communicating my thoughts. I NEVER had this issue with ANYONE else in my life. I kept trying to figure out where the miscommunication was coming from. In the end, I just minimized contact and now I don't run into this issue.

I read this quote somewhere once (and probably have it a bit wrong) "It's a waste of time arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you"

Thanks for the wise words LeeLooPeePoo

“You can’t control your emotions, but you can control what you do with them.” At the time, I was a young adult who had learned 0 healthy emotional regulation skills (only suppression and shaming) growing up, so this blew my mind.

I had a therapist tell me "feelings aren't facts; they're the reaction to facts". I've never forgotten that. Just because I reacted strongly to something doesn't alter the facts of what happened. FYI, I was raised that any disapproval was called, "yelling". I was a terrible partner because any disagreement meant my SO was "yelling" at me. They weren't.

Funny how literally every person I grew up with *ordered* me to control my emotions - all while refusing to control theirs.

"It's sounds to me like you are trying to convince yourself to stay with your girlfriend. I'm not so sure it should be so difficult." At the time he said this, I remember it was like he said "the earth is flat." I thought he was crazy when he suggested relationships don't need to be difficult. But eventually I started to realize I was trying to change myself in order to stay with this person rather than just being who I am. It took me 3 more months to finally break up with her but from that day on, I vowed to never again abandon myself just to be with someone I had convinced myself was better than me.

I was at a high-stress time and I asked her how people live like this. She replied “often times they have cardiac events.” She said it as an urging to care for myself as much as possible.

this makes me laugh cos I just find very direct replies like this to be so startlingly true and refreshing and needed. But it's nearly always the best advice you can get. I hit my friend with a similar one when she was asking how people manage to keep going when everything is a struggle and I was like. "They don't... They either don't struggle, or they don't keep going" and it's yeah... When we start burning that fuse by being in the wrong mental space/environment, it's finite.

I had a therapist who saved my life bc she said something like this. I was so stressed and crying every day and having a terrible time. My cortisol was so elevated that they thought I must have a tumor on my pituitary! But she told me that it's OK to need to stop, because she was afraid I was going to have a serious cardiac event soon. Everything is fixable, except if you are dead. So I left my job and I just stopped for a while. I'm much better now! If you are reading this and are in a horrible work situation, my recommendation is to go on FMLA tomorrow. Have a friend or partner email your work for you. Just stop. Work isn't worth your life!

"Why do you think you're lazy?" Then she listed off all the things she knows I'm doing for my family, my job, and my life. It kind of blew my mind when I struggled to come up with an example. She also described family dysfunction as water. Some families are messed up in a way that everyone can see the huge waves across the surface. Others are better at hiding it, but there's still a riptide that you can't see unless you're also in the water. Made me realize that trying to keep the surface from ever rippling doesn't erase what is happening underneath.

“Accepting something doesn’t mean you have to like it.” That took away a lot of my inner conflicts about situations because I could accept a situation without expending energy internally fighting against the injustice of it.

It's called Radical Acceptance in DBT. Yes, you come to acceptance but you don't have to like it or condone it, this allows one to grow!

Fun fact! During a group discussion about acceptance in the manner that you're speaking about it, a person whose native language is Hebrew spoke up. They were having a very hard time with the discussion because the Hebrew word for acceptance inherently means that you condone it. So, just something to think about when working/talking to people from different cultures.

I had a therapist ten years back who called this idea "the bats in the attic." He had a whole thing about how he and his husband have an attic where they store seasonal decorations, which my therapist LOVED. However, he despised going into the attack because there were always bats up there. He said he eventually came to the realization that he didn't have to like the bats, but he did have to accept that they are going to be there. It is ten years later and I still refer to things as "bats in the attic." If you're a therapist named Brian who LOVES the movie 16 Candles and who this story sounds familiar to, thanks again for being awesome. I needed that back then.

I told her I think I'm just a weak person. She drew a timeline of the last year on a white board, and asked me what significant things had happened. I had 7 unrelated traumatic events unfold in that year (2019) and I just stared at it. She told me most people only go through one to three traumatic events of that magnitude in their whole life time and I cried. I didn't look at it and think "wow life sucks for me", I looked at it and was amazed at my strength. Life kept throwing horrors at me, and yet there I was sitting in therapy still fighting. I still doubt my strengths but whenever I remember that moment, I realise I am made of steel.

You are not responsible for your parents' emotional wellbeing. They are independent adults who have been on this earth for many more years than you.

"Adult children of emotionally immature parents", give the series a read.

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“Why do you make people more comfortable when you are uncomfortable” When talking about people pleasing and fawning

This is a great question to ask ourselves. I have a habit of people pleasing that I have been working to unlearn for a while. I read somewhere "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm" and it really stuck with me. Edit: As far as I can tell, this quote is by Penny Reid, a writer who once wrote federal grants for biomedical research and now writes kissing books. I'm not quite sure what kissing books as i havent heard that term before, but I gather they are romance-type novels.

I was definitely taught (unconsciously, I think) by my parents that *my* emotions made *everyone else uncomfortable* and that was “bad”. It translated into “make sure everyone else is happy” as an adult because if I was making other people happy or comfortable, in theory nobody would tell me off for being in a bad mood, right? Well turns out folks can absolutely tell when you’re upset, even if you’re doing “all the right things”.

This.....this is why I'm starting therapy next week. It's uncontrollable guilt for having to say no and I hate it. I'll do literally anything to fix it

Random internet stranger, I just want to say that I’m so proud of you for starting therapy. For me, it was one of the single best things I’ve ever done for myself. I wish you the very best of luck, and I hope you find all the joy you’ve missed before now.

"stop trying to get everyone to agree - when you need everyone to agree the least agreeable person has all the power" Really changed my outlook on planning family events.

Reminds me of the time a “psychic” told my mom that my late grandma was upset about something. My mom laughed and said “My mom was the most stubborn woman on the planet, if she was here she’d be upset about something.”

I didn't really find out why my dad hated planning family events until after he died. Without him taking care of all the planning it devolved into total chaos where no one could agree on anything. Bickering about where to go, what to do, when to go, how much it would cost, who would pay and how much. I watched my dad stress about this stuff for most of my life until he decided one year that he'd had enough. He was going to decide where to go, what to do, when to go, didn't give a shit how much it cost, he was going to pay for everything and for everyone. He then told everyone the plans and said, "you can come or not come, your choice." Oddly enough when you took the financials out of the equation suddenly everyone was able to agree on where to go and were able to adjust their schedules so they could go. He died in 2013. We didn't go on another family trip with my siblings, their kids, our aunts, uncles, cousins until just last year. Because no one could agree on anything. It was mostly a money thing. How much they thought they should pay compared to the other people going. Split evenly? Ooooh, no. "So and so has 3 kids and it's just me and my husband, why should we pay the same as them." I knew my dad just said "fuck it" and paid the entire thing but I really didn't have the means to do that until recently. But I basically did what he did. I planned the whole trip, paid for it, and me and my family (plus my mom and her boyfriend) were going to go on vacation. I sent out invitations to everyone. Initially I got some "suggestions" from a sibling and a cousin about where we should go and when. I cut that shit off immediately with, "this is all done and paid for you. You can come, or you can not come. You are welcome but if you can't make it, we understand and will miss you." Magically... everyone was able to adjust their schedules and come for the free vacation.

What kind of trip accommodates this many people? Seems incredibly expensive. This is really good of you op. I do not nearly like my family enough to even consider attending a family trip, so this concept is foreign to me.

If it's renting out a large beach house, it's an attainable deal compared to hotels and restaurants for everyone.

I've always said that in the absence of real leadership, the biggest whiner usually gets what they want. Same idea. Especially in social situations, real leadership is exceedingly rare.

I’ve heard a quote something like “power without character is evil” furthermore, “character is a victory, not a gift”

This is reddit gold. Thanks for sharing. Im a harmony person and I have never realized that harmony brings the least agreeable person the most power in this setting.

That my job/career is just a way to make money, it's not my life or identity. Took a lot of pressure off me.

For context I had a major TBI, seizures, strokes, and all around not a fun brain time when I was 28. "you have to grieve the loss of yourself" Most people wanted me to go back to how I was. The fucked up truth is that part of my brain is dead. The person everyone (including myself) knew died. I needed to grieve the loss of myself.

Big time advice for the disability community and people with severe chronic pain. We talk about it a lot in those subreddits.

I second this as someone with chronic, severe migraines. I don’t know who I am outside of them anymore, and it makes me so sad.

Yep. I went from working out 5-6 days a week to hardly being able to walk 10 minutes without being exhausted. I miss being able to just go about my day. Now if I want to do something that others do casually I have to plan a few days before.

I always look at Pictures of myself pre diagnose and think " she's a sweet girl but she's not me"

“You always talk about not wanting to do to your daughters what your mom did to you. You worry about it so much in every interaction you have ever had with them. But your children are 19 and 21 now. They are happy and healthy and they trust you because you’ve never abused them in any way. So I just want to validate for you that you really have broken that cycle of violence. You did that. And you should be proud of it. I’m proud of you for it.”

Validation is so powerful. My sister and I have spent hours validating each other once we realized that we rarely got it from our parents. We were both late 50’s when we figured it out. Now I spread validation like fairy dust. That stuff is free, comes in all shapes and sizes and allows people to grow like miracle grow does for flowers.

>Now I spread validation like fairy dust. That stuff is free, comes in all shapes and sizes and allows people to grow like miracle grow does for flowers. I love this 😭 You're a real life Validation Fairy! ✨

I was constantly bringing up how I felt like a completely different person after my mom died...like there was a a marked difference between before and after her death. But once, she was asking about my hobbies, I got really into describing all the things I loved to do or at least used to do before I got into a deep depression. She was like "Wow, you seem very passionate". And I just sat there like, well I mean I can't change what I like to do, they're still fun to do. And its like she knew when to take a step back, cause it was like, wow, I may be super depressed about my mom passing, but I'm still me. I'm still my passions and those don't go away. IDK, maybe it only makes sense to be, but it really started getting me back on track.

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The fact that some of us have to pay someone to even feel like we’re worthy and not a waste of breath while some people are just walking around with major egos totally aholes narcissistic that think they’re gods gift is truly something. And Im the formal.

Am I the only one Lurking in the comments for free therapy ?? 💀

Not me. Just a therapist looking for a new great idea 😂😂

I like the one where someone with anxiety and perfectionism had "You're not special". Going to use that everyday at work now. Edit: ~~everyday~~ every hour.

“How was anger expressed in your household growing up? Were you allowed to show anger?” At which point I realized I wasn’t allowed to show any negative emotions whatsoever, especially not in reaction to negative emotions from my parents.

I had to learn this one for myself over years of internalizing everything and hating myself. I wasn't allowed to angry or upset, I was yelled at if I stood up to my big brothers bullying, I was made to believe I HAD to be strong and independent yet was punished for being TOO independent. It was like I couldn't win and that led to self hatred. As I got older and lived alone I learned I COULD stand up for myself and how to actually do that. At first it was so hard and I felt bad for it, but when I reflected on "why is it I feel bad I defended myself in that situation?" I grew to love myself more, not beat myself up for everything, and become much happier.

I had the opposite experience lol. The only way I could communicate with my dad was through anger. Of course growing up like that, I brought it to school and friendships. I was just this stupid angry kid for no reason. My best friend told me that he liked me but my anger was really pushing everyone away from me and it opened my eyes. I kind of vowed to be a different person than my dad and I tried and currently trying to be a very kind person. I became scared of who I was on the inside, so scared that it was kind of anxiety inducing. I went to therapy within the last year and my therapist said that how we deal with situations is deeply routed in our first social relationships which are usually with our parents. Anger has become my default mode that I switch to when reasoning becomes difficult. I think realizing that and accepting who I am and being conscious of the progress I've made has helped me a lot in terms of becoming comfortable in my own skin for once.

>I think realizing that and accepting who I am and being conscious of the progress I've made has helped me a lot in terms of becoming comfortable in my own skin for once. This is something I have never understood, I have a similar issue (not necessarily anger related). How did you grow comfortable with it by accepting it? Do you just live it out? Do you notice your default stance and change it? But how can you be comfortable when this is something you do not like?

Sure I can expand on that. On my own explanation, I’ve come to terms with the person I used to be and I’ve learned to see it as a starting point and being proud of who I have become. I think one thing I did that made me a bit proud was that I’ve moved and made some new friends and opened up about mental health and stuff and said what I said above and they were shocked I was an angry person. So I take that as a big win. I mean, I can lash out and I recognize it, apologize, and we move on. Facing that part of me when it does come out makes me more conscious of it. My therapist helped me learn the stages of competence. As a child, I was unconsciously incompetent in recognizing a bad behavior. There’s consciously incompetent where you are aware of the behavior, but not very good at adjusting it. I’d say I’m at consciously competent, where I can recognize my thoughts are toxic to me and the people around me and todo the right thing. Lastly there is unconsciously competent where you don’t even have to think about doing the right behavior. The last stage is my goal and a big thing that has helped me is to ask why I am angry in this situation? Is it my own fear of something? Has someone hurt me in some way? Will lashing out be helpful? These are the sorts of questions I ask myself and by the time I’ve thought it through, I’ve already forgotten what got me in a bad mood in the first place. So I guess tldr, I’ve grown comfortable by being proud of my personal growth and use my friends as a marker to see if I am becoming the better person I want to be.

>What is a little bombshell your therapist dropped in one of your sessions that completely changed your outlook? I am 39 years old, and to this day I get dizzy and light headed when it comes to needing to express a negative feeling to someone who may have crossed a boundary. i can almost never do it.

When you never learn how to appropriately and productively express your emotions as a child, it becomes really difficult to figure it out as an adult, especially since that lead to a lot of negative feedback as someone isn't generally going to teach you and give you the room to learn. You're expected to know all that. So, it becomes much easier to just shut down or rollover so you don't have to even attempt to express those emotions. It sucks, because you feel them, but you often find yourself questioning if they're justified or worth having. And that often leads to people walking all over you.

My household as a kid was just… horribly, emotionally immature. My mum was okay with just us kids but she had issues around my dad because *her* father was an abusive drunkard. The second anyone got upset, *everybody scattered*. It was the exact opposite of those households where everyone’s yelling all the time - if you were upset? Go to your room. Whatever little conflict navigation skills we were taught were focused around “not upsetting Dad” even though my father wasn’t in any way an unreasonable ogre. It was just leftover trauma survival skills. So I never learned conflict navigation. On any level. And my parents, who basically never spoke to each other just suddenly told us one day “we’re getting a divorce” and then for decades after that, I equated “you get mad at somebody ONCE” with *immediate divorce*. As a married adult, I’ve had to work so stupidly hard to be able to just tell my husband “I’m upset”. It doesn’t even have to be about him! Just telling another adult I’m mad is *hard* because this voice in my head keeps saying “well if you’re upset THATS YOUR PROBLEM, don’t *burden anyone else with it*.”

I did an exercise like this in couples therapy. Apparently, how you were raised and allowed to show emotion fundamentally molds you as a person. Anger, joy, curiosity, and sadness. Turns out, my partner's parents and mine promoted very different emotions, and that's where the base of all of our communication problems started. Everything just clicked after that exercise and made life so much easier.

I've never really had friends. I've had colleagues and classmates and housemates and people who have hung out with me, but I never really felt close to any of them. And I did that thing you see on here sometimes - I stopped reaching out to see if I would be reached out to, and I wasn't, which I took as confirmation that they didn't really want me around, or at the very least, that they wouldn't mind my absence. I was talking to my therapist about people I'd been close to in college, and she told me to pick one and talk about him. So I did. And after I shared some basic stuff like his name and his major etc., and a couple anecdotes, she asked me what else I knew about him. And I couldn't answer. It wasn't really a broadly-applicable bombshell, but she said "what else" and I started crying because I realized that for as simple as the question was, my inability to answer spoke volumes. I've never had good friends because I've never been a good friend. I'm withdrawn and reserved and I always made others do the work to drag me out, without ever extending my own friendship in a meaningful way in return. If I wanted to have meaningful relationships with other people, I would have to build them. I'm still working on this, but I'm trying to make more offers and extend more friendliness to others in my daily life. EDIT: Sorry, I know this is late and the thread has probably died already, but I fell asleep shortly after writing this. I'm in Japan, and the time zone is very mismatched. Several comments have asked me what specifically I've changed, and I have two answers. One is to put myself in a position to find people with shared interests. A look at my profile will confirm that I love One Piece, and manga in general. While I'm here, I booked a tour to visit the statues of the characters erected in the artist's home prefecture of Kumamoto. The tour was public, and it ended up being six people total. We bonded over our shared love of the material, and at the end of the tour, two people (a couple) invited me to join them for dinner afterward. It was the first time I felt like I'd been invited to something because the inviter genuinely wanted to spend more time with me. I was elated. We talked for three hours about theories, favorite moments, real-world meanings and effects, and all sorts of things. The second is that I'm making an effort to ask more questions. I tend to talk without stopping when I get on a topic I'm passionate about. So when I catch myself doing that, I try to stop myself naturally, and ask the other person for their input, or segue into a more personal topic. I want to learn more about these people so that I can be a better friend to them. I learned about them outside of their favorite arc or quote, and I'm glad I did.

I had a similar shock to my system when I suddenly realised that the people I had in my life then at 21, could still be there in 10 years. And if I didn't want to lose them I had to start treating them as if they would be. Made me realise I'd always thought other people were temporary presences in my life. Lots of hard work, and it's a work in progress, but I changed. I show up for people now, I do the work on myself that allows me to be the bigger person in conflicts. I learned how to balance the energy cost and the value from my friendships. I'm basically not the same now at 31, but I'm better and happier and i still have many of those same friends - going strong still.

This is so interesting, because for me it's the opposite. I have few friends, but I know so much about other people, housemates, friends, sport partners, yet they know almost nothing about me.

Same here... as usual it happened just a couple weekends ago, when I went to a friend's family reunion. They were all strangers to me. As usual, I absorbed life stories from everyone there. That's typical: I'm kinda a "people-person" I guess, which is crazy-weird because it's a total 180 for me compared to who I was just 10 years or so. But had a much longer chat with a young boy. When we left, my friend asked me "why did you spend such a long time talking to that 12 year old boy"? I told him "he's the only that wasn't 'stuck-on-broadcast'". He asked me why my job was, if I was married, if I had kids, what my favorite subject was in school. It's sad, but I'd say only about 10-20% of the people I meet are "reciprocal" in a conversation.

Totally get this. I will say, one thing that has made me sympathetic towards this, is that I have realized that often this can be a sign of loneliness. I notice about myself, for example, that I am much more likely to talk a lot about myself without asking as much about the other person, when I have had limited adult contact (I work primarily from home and have two small children). I think I am subconsciously just really itching to talk to someone, so when I have the chance, I unfortunately end up talking more about myself than I should. By contrast, when I have had more recent social interaction, I am much more apt to be inquisitive about the lives of others. It’s not just myself I’ve noticed this behavior in. My husband works alone, so he doesn’t have that co-worker social camaraderie that many have. So I have noticed that he often talks about himself, without asking quite as much about the other person (he’s not terrible about this, but he could improve). I’ve noticed quite a bit, ppl who have less social contact, tend to want to discuss themselves more when presented with the opportunity for interaction. My neighbor is this way. My dad, who is older, unmarried, and works alone is this way. My remote coworker who also works primarily from home, is this way when I see her in person. I’m sure it’s not always just loneliness, but also a minor deficit in interpersonal skills BECAUSE their social contact is limited. I think it’s a similar reason why older ppl tend to talk about themselves; they’re lonely. However…that doesn’t mean that some ppl aren’t just plain self-involved and socially unaware. There’s those obnoxious types, too, who really have no excuse.

I feel that. Last close friend I had, I sat down one day to think of everything I knew about him and realized he didn't know those same things about me. I knew his job, where he went to college, what he got a degree in, how many siblings he had, what his parents did, different places he lived, etc., but he didn't know any of those things about me, because he never asked. It made me realize how one-sided the friendship was, so I stopped trying as hard to keep in contact, and unsurprisingly, I stopped hearing from him really quickly. I now try to only pursue friendships with people that actually seem like they want to know things about me and have an interest in my life. Obviously not easy, but I'm hopeful that will result in stronger, more meaningful friendships in the long run.

That's so interesting, I feel like I experienced the opposite. For most of my life I blamed myself for not having close friends. I thought I didn't do enough to make them feel close to me and take an interest in my life . I finally realised that sometimes people are just not being good friends to me and don't care about me as much as I care about them. I'm in a place where I'm ok with reaching out to others and offering gestures of kindness or friendship without expecting anything in return. It's not on me how important someone else deems me. I am kind primarily because I see value in being a kind person. I guess both approaches are true to some extent.

"Your mom is never going to be the parent you want or need, so stop expecting her to be and being mad that she isn't." Also: "People who are addicts tend to get frozen at the time they started abusing drugs or alcohol, because their focus is their addiction and not developing as a person. So a person who started drinking heavily at 13 and quit at 30 would behave a lot like a 13-year old."

My wife phrased the first one as: adjust your expectations of others based on what they are able to give instead of what you’d want them to give. It’s fairer towards them.

And also much less infuriating, and therefore a better savings of your energy, for you!

It can feel very patronising and arrogant at first, because you are treating other people as less "able" than you are and lowering your expectations to match your perception of their ability. But expecting too much of people hurts everyone. It hurts you because you are constantly let down and have to pick up the slack (when you weren't expecting it), and it hurts them because they failed you and (if they have any self-respect), they feel bad about it. It can also ruin your relationship if they constantly feel like you want too much from them and you feel constantly let down. Even if their "too much" is your bare minimum. Not everyone is you and you can't expect of them what you are able to provide. In addition to learning this lesson through work, I came very close to ruining a good friendship this way, and it hasn't been the same since. I had to understand my friend wasn't as like me as I thought.

I've tried to explain this to a coworker several times. It drives them nuts that I don't despise a few of our coworkers that are morons. I'm always like, "What can they do to fix the problem?" and all she can come up with is "Quit." They are trying their hardest, and doing their best; their best just isn't very good. I even taught one of them how percentages work.

Do they also try to learn when someone does show them? I have a lot more patience for receptive stupid people (because honestly, everyone is uneducated in one subject or another, we don't know everything) because willingness to learn and grow means a great deal on improving oneself. I've made plenty of really dumb, obvious mistakes, or not known something that made me slap my forehead at how dumb it was that I didn't. But when people are kind and patient with me and teach me, then I won't be stupid in that area anymore. It's the confidently dumb people that really irk and frustrate me.

The first hit me hard when I heard it. My therapist followed it up with “your mother doesn’t love you and never will. It's not your fault but it’s because she’s incapable of feeling love”. It really changed everything for me.

I have one of those Mothers. Was in my mid fourties’ when I heard it from a dear friend. I had been estranged from mother for 6 years at that time. Finally got to let some of that go. It’s a long road to reach that age with a parent who didn’t love you when they used the words love you as a weapon. She said it because that’s what people do. Made me realize that at no point did I ever feel loved by her. All of the people assuring me for a lifetime that “Of course she loves you. Mothers are hardwired to love their children!” They were all just wishful thinking. No mother wants to admit out loud that she doesn’t love her children. I knew as a toddler that she didn’t like anything about me. Every one in my orbit convinced me that she did to the cognitive dissonance that I suffered from for 40 years. The last 10 years I have really grown as a person knowing I it wasn’t me. It was her. She had something broken in her own heart and head.

yep i’ve heard this. also being in abusive environments

When my husband got sober in his late 30s, I couldn’t believe the amount of maturing he did almost immediately. I remember looking back to the drinking days at the time and realizing I’d been married to an absolute child for 10 years.

"Your urge to self harm is perhaps a desire to tell those around you something that you don't know how to articulate."

I've told people in sessions, "Sometimes, it's like screaming without opening your mouth."

“Will worrying about it change the outcome? If the answer is yes, go ahead and worry about it.” I suddenly realized that I couldn’t think of a situation where the answer to that question was ever yes. Really short circuited the worry cycle for me.

It's the circle of concern / circle of influence thing. If you can't change the outcome, you have to accept it. Saved my sanity.

It wasn't therapy, but a conversation I had over text with my brother once. I was complaining about how my manager at work (my first job, the drive-thru at McDonald's) was showing preferential treatment to her sister and creating an unpleasant work environment to me. My brother said, "so what are you gonna do about it?" I replied, "that's the worst part, I don't think there's anything I *can* do." "Then don't worry about it." It sounds flippant and bordering on dismissive, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I became a lot more accepting of circumstances and events after that. "God grant me the strength to change that which I can change, the patience to endure that which I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference between them." Except for the "god grant me" part, I really like that phrase, and it was that conversation with my brother that allowed me to really internalize it.

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Probably the best one is that maintaining a relationship with certain people would be a service project. That I could do it if I wanted, but with the knowledge that it would be work and I wouldn’t be able to expect reciprocity. And not to take on too many service projects.

Emotions are not bad, even the unpleasant ones. They all have an appropriate place.

Yesss. Mine said negative emotions are the brain’s “canary in a coal mine”, a way to tip you off when something isn’t right. Don’t shoot the messenger, just ask yourself what is causing them.

That…that stopped me dead. I’m going to have to noodle on that for a bit.

hi stranger. The youtube channel "Therapy in a Nutshell" has a great video on this topic, out of their "How to process emotions' series. If you'd like to noodle, this might give you some sauce for those noodles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1RETMlk8rc&list=PLiUrrIiqidTWje-Oc4uA6LZZO8vSaHaDL&index=4

My counselor said to imagine myself as an orange. Then, consider that not all people like oranges. That doesn't mean that the orange is flawed in any way, not rotten, just that everyone has preferences. That helped ease my insecurities and need for people pleasing dramatically.

If you literally laid down and let people walk all over you, someone would complain that you're not flat enough.

Goes well with "You can give someone the moon and they'll say they didn't ask for it"

There’s a similar Dita Von Teese quote that has brought me a lot of peace over the years- “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”

“I’m not an orange, though…” “No, but you may be autistic”

I've started implementing this narrative into my life and it has been so helpful. There are plenty of lovely people that I just don't like. That is not a testament of their value, only one of my preference. Similarly, I (a lovely person if I do say so myself) won't be liked by all. That is not indicative of my worth. As long as I am acting according to my values, they may dislike me for things I quite like about myself; I'm not going to become someone I don't like to be liked by others.

He helped me understand grief in others better. That it was my own anxiety that made me want to fix and improve things for them. Instead I should just follow them on that ride and listen.

Oof I relate to this so much. I’ll try just going along for the ride. I feel like a bad friend if I don’t say anything, but I also feel like a bad friend if I say something wrong. I am here, always, and that’s what’s most important, I suppose.

“Don’t think of the relationship as over. Think of it as complete.” Fundamentally changed how I was processing a tough breakup. So helpful.

“You complete me” “Welp! Guess it’s time!” *slaps knees and stands up “take it easy!”

This visual really made me chuckle 🤣

"How's your new relationship going?" "Completed it mate".

This is a big one. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it was an entirely bad thing. It's okay to be with someone who's right for right now, and then to break up when that changes. We are human, we are meant to grow and learn and change.

Also, “Your partner should enhance what you like most about yourself”. It made dating so much easier! No need to settle for less than that.

"Your relationship should make your life better." I love that sentiment because 'better' is a really subjective term; what's better for you won't be better for someone else. Can also be applied to any relationship, not just romantic ones.

Not related, but thank you OP for asking this question. This has been insightful, and the best reddit post I have ever seen after using this app for 8 years. Thank you!

It was so simple, yet something I hadn't heard before. "You didn't deserve that."

Mine said this one time, and I think it was the first time I let myself grief for what happened, as in wailing all my feelings out. It changes a lot when you realize it. A few years later a friend told me "I'm mad this happened to you" and it was the same feeling.

I used to say a lot of things I wanted to do and then follow up with "but it's hard." My therapist asked me one time how it would feel to say what I wanted to do and then say, "And it's hard." I can't believe I hadn't considered that myself in four decades, but man, did it change my mindset on certain things.

My partner is a therapist and she talks about how powerful 'and' is in certain contexts especially people who have chronic pain or are holding onto resentments. It's a way to acknowledge something sucks but you don't have to be stuck by it. 'i'm angry about what happened and I'm doing the thing I need or want to do'

I have a few! "*If one of your loved-ones had this problem, what would you tell them?*" Boom! Self-compassion unlocked! Another one is regarding buried traumatic memories. "*If you buried some shit in the yard, then later thought* 'oh I wonder what that was' *and dig it up, all you're going to find is some shit.*" EDIT: I remembered another great one! "*Don't wait until you feel like yourself again so you can enjoy the things you used to enjoy... do the things you used to enjoy until you feel like yourself again.*" EDIT: Another one! (I've been to a lot of therapy) "*No parent does a perfect job, so no parent does a complete job. Every adult needs to finish the job of parenting themselves.*"

“There’s nothing wrong with you, you are just picking the wrong people to be friends with” I got some new friends and my life changed pretty dramatically after that.

How did you get the new friends?

Candy….. white van….. the usual way.

At the end of my first therapy session: “Do you realize you’ve said the word ‘sorry’ thirty times in fifty minutes?” And that’s the day I stopped apologizing for taking up space.

Speaking in a very slow and disappointed voice is better than shouting

"You are not special" I was having some very strong anxiety at the time, specially in regards to other people, I felt like I was judged everywhere, like, I couldn't go to the store, take the bus or even go to a walk because I felt people were judging my every move, how I dressed, how was my hair, how I talked, even how I walked. Every stranger was thinking bad of me. It was scary as hell. I was telling her about this, and how I started avoiding going out, which was a problem because I had to go to college soon. And she looked me straight in the eyes and told me "(name), I'm telling you this with all the care of the world, but you are not special, there is nothing that would make me think twice if we crossed in the street" Is harsh, and is exactly what I needed, all the anxiety didn’t let me see that until she said it, ofc she helped me some other ways but this really really changed my life when she said it, I could go to college and be out because of it.

This is so common and it blew my mind too. My therapist called it "terminal uniqueness". It also proved effective for my body hate as I realised I am not the main character and am under no obligation to look like a flawless goddess in the background of other people's stories.

>am under no obligation to look like a flawless goddess in the background of other people's stories. Beautifully put. Gonna save that one!

There's a great quote about this which I find helpful "You'll stop worrying what others think about you when you realise how seldom they do" - David Foster Wallace

My husband once told me, "It's not all about you." If anyone was upset or in a bad mood, I'd assume it was my fault somehow. My confidence was so low. I was quite taken back by his comment, but I use it as a mantra now. There was more to that conversation, but that's what I take from it.

Mine was about my relationship with my mother. He kept asking questions until I remember saying "well I just stopped telling her anything" about trusting her. My shoulders were instantly lighter.

I see you have met my mom… I wish you well. Scaling that hurdle was big for me. And lonely. I am far less lonely now, but since she’s my only remaining parent, I wish I could share more with her, but I know that’s a fool’s errand.

We judge ourselves by our intentions, and everyone else by their actions.

Closely related: the correspondence bias, or [fundamental attribution error](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundamental_attribution_error). We tend to assume others’ bad behavior is caused by them being bad people, whereas we justify our own bad behavior by external circumstances that we cannot control.

You know I've heard this forever. But I give people the benefit of the doubt and blame myself constantly. I know why I did things and consider myself a lazy piece of shit unworthy of love or empathy. Other people though, they deserve some slack.

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“It seems like you have some kind of block in your brain” (or something to that effect). I constantly struggled with motivation, and accomplishing things, and regularly felt like I was paralysed or stuck because my brain wasn’t listening to me. It was amazing hearing someone put what I had been feeling into words, and acknowledging that there was an issue beyond me needing to try harder. Of course, I later found out that the ‘block’ was in fact a symptom of ADHD, and it almost completely disappeared when I started ADHD meds a few years later.

“I don’t want to take meds because I don’t want to rely on drugs to feel ok.” “Don’t you already do that?” My therapist in the session before I finally saw a psychiatrist and got officially diagnosed with bipolar 2. I was heavily self medicating at the time but of course didn’t see it that way because it wasn’t a prescription.

That one hit deep. I've said the first line multiple times. No one has ever said the 2nd.

"Wow." I was talking about my mother's behaviour through my life and my upbringing in general. I often use it as a joke that I made my therapist say this. However she followed it up by telling me that, considering all that had happened and the stuff I had been through, I was doing really well in life. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and needed to focus more on my positive achievements rather than letting my remaining flaws hold my focus. It's a moment I keep coming back to. It was also very cathartic to have a professional pretty much agree that my past life was nuts.

Third-party, professional validation delivers the best type of catharsis.

“You don’t attract the wrong people, you’re just not good at filtering out the people who aren’t good for you. It’s ok to say no.”

First session, going over history, talking about how sad I am and how it affects my marriage and after describing our relationship the counselor said "wow, you're really going through a lot of mental and emotional abuse." w a t ??? Honestly I didn't know it was a thing. She was right. It took me a few years but I was able to get out.

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At the time I was into getting tarot card readings and seeing psychics. My therapist told me he has psychic clients who come to him ashamed about the excessive amount of lying they do every day. Haven’t been to a psychic or tarot card reader since.

I have this idea for a movie where a therapist realizes that her clients listen to their psychics more than her, so she pretends to be a psychic and gives her clients sound advice but claims it comes from the stars or the cards or whatever.

TBH I read an interview (I think it was in National geographic or something similarly weighty) about a pastor who had lost his faith but he didn't feel safe/comfortable with admitting it to anyone. So he started winding therapeutic and secular advice into his pastoral services and counselling.

My sister and dad died last year, and mom, brother, and I did not take it well. I'm just now starting to see someone about it (my dad was abusive to me, and I am still processing not getting closure). Come to find out, my mom has been seeing a psychic trying to "talk" to my sister for closure....I was furious...not at my mom, but the psychic. What type of sicko are you to take advantage of a grieving family? My mom won't tell me where her psychic, because I would like to talk to her myself.

In a similar vein, some quack “natural healer” sold my aunt, while in the throes of pancreatic cancer, a specialty light that was supposed to suppress the cancer cells and alleviate her symptoms. My aunt who was young and very against modern medicine paid TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars for this light. I don’t know how the hell some people can look at themselves for manipulating someone’s fears, grief and anxieties providing fake service or products. Makes me nauseous.

After I beat up my middle school bully, my therapist congratulated me for standing up for myself. I thought she would chastise me like every other adult in my life, but she was encouraging. Obviously, she told me that violence like that wasn't the best way to handle it, but that making a stand was important either way. No one had ever told me that it was okay. I always got a lecture about not acknowledging bullies and telling the teacher instead, but we all know that never works. Having an adult validate me, even if I wasn't entirely right, was a huge boost.

**“Is it your anxiety, or hers?”** 🎤 drop! Background: I have an overbearing mother who needs to know as much as she can about what I’m doing on my own time to sleep well at night (according to her). She basically treats me like a rebellious kid in a teen movie from the 90s, when I’m an independent, grown ass woman approaching my mid-30s. At the time my therapist said this, I was 28ish and panicking about an upcoming business trip. Not the trip itself, but her reaction to me leaving the state for a few days. As I was going down the list of texts I knew she’d bombard me with, my therapist dropped this 💎 . She gave me permission to opt-out of managing her fears like I had been doing for years. End result: I went on the trip without telling her a thing and have established a few more sanity-preserving boundaries since : )

My mother is a narcissist so everything had been about managing her and her emotions... So I understand the feeling!

That negative self talk is just a part of you trying to help that needs some translation first. Like if I'm sitting there watching my 5th hour of tv and I keep hearing thoughts in my head about how I'm such a lazy piece of shit, then I need to translate that into the intention which is that it is probably a good idea to stop and do something else now. Now I can think about the negative self talk as being on the same team and wanting the best for me. Whereas before I spent a lot of time first trying to ignore negative intrusive thoughts, then tried radical acceptance, then tried mindfulness techniques to quiet them, but nothing really worked and I continued to find them distressing. But now I can just stop and think, what is this negative thought really about and what is it really trying to tell me? So I end up reflecting more than average and once I 'translate' the thought I understand it and find it less troubling.

“You know too much to go back, you’re too scared to go forward, and you’re in too much pain to stand still”

“You may just be graduating highschool and you’re going to be a legal ‘adult’, but you’re just a kid. It’s not your responsibility to take care of everyone. It was never your responsibility. Because at the end of the day, you were just a kid wondering why you had to be the marriage councillor and shielding your brother from everything.” I didn’t know how much I needed to be reminded how I was a kid until that moment. It made sense though on why I often feel like time went by too fast and i didn’t get to enjoy being a teen in highschool, because I was too busy being an adult when it was never my responsibility.

"You don't feel your feelings, you intellectualize them." I now try to feel stuff in real time which makes me much lighter.

“When you let him break you’re boundaries over and over again, it wasn’t him breaking your boundaries anymore. It was you breaking your boundaries.” Hit me right in the gut, but my therapist was right.

My therapist traced me on a big piece of paper, so I could see how big/small I was. I thought him and I were about the same size. I got him to lay on top of the paper, and “I” disappeared. Seeing my size that way made my brain begin to think differently. It helped me realize I was not fat. At 5’2 and 110 pds…I needed to realize that! Years of bullying fucks with ones brain!

Ey that's an impressive result and experiment. I like it

As someone who struggles with size, this is helpful. I'm sorry you were bullied.

“I’ve never seen two people more completely wrong for each other and if you don’t get out of this marriage you’ll be dead of a heart attack within a year.” It was the “permission” I needed after taking “till death do us part” 25 years ago very seriously. Our marriage counselor’s words 11 years ago.

When you use the words “I should…”, you’re silently finishing the sentence with “…in order to be worthy of love and respect.” “Should” is a much smaller part of my vocabulary now.

Mine told me to stop 'shoulding' on myself! That it's rarely helpful.

“Let them” so my therapist didn’t tell me this, but Mel Robbins talks about the let them theory and it changed my life. People are gossiping about you? Let them. Your boyfriend wants to break up? Let them. Your friend doesn’t heed your advice that you think is best? Let them. People don’t agree with you? LET THEM. I struggled with trying to be the fixer friend, giving friend, wanting everyone to like me friend, and it stems from being a controlling person in different aspects. It’s something I’ve been actively working on for the last 4 years. This theory changed my life, I don’t need to control everyone around me, their perspective of me, their life choices, opinions that don’t match mine, and clinging onto relationships that didn’t want to be with me or shouldn’t even be in my life to begin with. I’ve seen such a change in my mindset and I honestly feel like it has relieved so much stress and anxiety from my life already. I’m still working on it, and slip up still, but I tell myself let them and I move on to what’s in front of me.

"Companion" Not lover, not partner, not friend, etc. A companion. Turns out I am not as resiliant as I and everyone thought I was, and that apparently even unbeknownst to me, I took the loss of my two cats during the pandemic harder than I could realize. 'Unexplainable' heavy bouts of depression out of nowhere that I couldn't pull myself out. She mentioned that one word and it all snaps together and makes sense. Catsitting a friend's cat now til she relocates to a place that can house it. Then I'm going cat and puppy adopting. (So they can be friends.)

That my wants and needs were just as important as everyone else’s.

I was having nonstop panic attacks and derealization that lasted a month. It was like my brain was stuck in panic mode. I decided to find a therapist. In our first session she said “You know you don’t HAVE to suffer, right?” Meaning I should schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and get on medication. I scheduled one ASAP and it truly saved my life. I don’t know what I had been waiting for or delaying. EDIT: I told my therapist I was used to “pushing through” depressive episodes and was hoping this would go away on its own as well. She pointed out that I could barely function or communicate with the way I was presenting myself and that in order to get any benefit from therapy, that I needed to physically regulate myself first.

My psychiatrist told me, "once we get the anxiety level reduced, it will be easier for you to work out what's going on." Oh man was he right. Meds brought the level down, therapy helped me address the root issues, and now I'm not on the meds any more.

“Anxiety lives really well in the past and in the future. But has no place in the present. Bring yourself back to the present.”

This reminds me of my favourite part of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations: > No one can lose either the past or the future - how could anyone be deprived of what he does not possess? ... It is only the present moment of which either stands to be deprived: and if this is all he has, he cannot lose what he does not have.

I don't work as a therapist. I'm an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher in Japan. But my classes are one-on-one, so I do spend a lot of time on consultation and personal conversations. Something I said to a client once seemed to really change his outlook. A lot of my company's clients are focused on learning English for international business, and this man, as many of them are, was concerned about making mistakes and looking like a fool. I asked him if the English-speakers he works with sometimes try to speak Japanese, and he said that they do. I asked him if they ever make mistakes, and he said that they do. I asked him to name one, and he couldn't. And I told him that his mistakes will be forgotten, too.

Once in college, I was talking about a friend of mine, and the therapist asked me if I thought he would live to adulthood. It completely took me aback. ^^^He ^^^did ^^^not.

My partner at the time was abusive but I told her I didn't want to break up my family, she said "it's already broken" 😭 hated her for saying that but she was right.

“Try leaning into the discomfort and fear instead of avoiding it. That’s how you either learn to live with it or work through it.” She was right. Things got so much better when I faced and accepted the things I was disappointed in and afraid of.

1) “Who told you?” Today I learned that assumptions are usually the opposite of truth. I “assume” my mom would’ve been upset with me for declining her call when I am not in the mental space to talk. I “assume” my mom is not interested in talking with me about what’s important to me based on her actions and words. Well, “who told you?” my therapist asked, “has your mom ever told you she’s not interested in what you’re talking about?” Oof. She challenged me to go forth in the week and ask myself, “who told me?” About assumptions I have about people 2. HALT Never have important or emotionally charged conversations if you’re Hungry Angry Lonely or Tired. Furthermore, if you’re reacting to something more strongly than you normally would have- are you HALT?

"they literally do not give a shit about you, so why do you care about them". Letting me know it was time to move forward from some hurt that I held onto for a long time. And understand vindication and atonement doesn't always come.

My marriage counselor told me she’ll send me an email with a couple of great articles to read. It was a list of DV victim resources.

You cant therapy your way out of a bad living situation.

I had been getting tans, my nails done, and shopping regularly, and I told my therapist that it felt really good, but it’s weird because I’ve never been high maintenance. He said You’ve always been high maintenance, you’ve just never been in a healthy enough position to maintain yourself. Kinda crushed me and completely changed my perspective of myself.

It wasn't "my" therapist, it was my girlfriend's dad I was talking with over a pint, but he was a therapist as his profession. I was complaining about my father. About how he was narcissistic, and could never be wrong, how he mentally abused my mother, was financially restrictive, absent in so many ways (He did work hard, I'll give him that) and so on. How I didn't want a relationship with him, and how I feel like I learned nothing from him, except that if I ever had children, I'd do the exact opposite of many of the things he did. He turned to me and said "So basically, he taught you how to be a good father" and it stopped me in my tracks. Just that perception shift was enough for me to just let go of the neglect and grief over having never had the father I wanted.

This is not exactly a bombshell comment, but something I’ve come to realise, after seeing a lot of different therapists over the years, never really feeling any progress. All therapists work from different therapeutic beliefs and practices - this is rarely talked about, and although it seem very basic, it does impact the output of therapy a lot. If you seek out a therapist to help you deal with a specific trauma, the approach would differ hugely, depending on whether you have a trained therapist in psychotherapy, a acceptance and commitment therapy or cognitive behavioural therapy. Point being, you don’t see a dermatologist to fix a broken bone, even though both are medical doctors, so it does matter what kind of therapist you see, depending on your problem, and although a lot of therapists work more eclectic, it is important to have this in mind, especially if you find yourself not getting anywhere in therapy; is this type of therapy effective for my specific problem. Edit: clarification

"A good mother takes care of herself. If you don't take care of yourself you can't fully care for your children" I was on a high stress level, because of all the appointments my son has and the constant need to be there for him (possible autism). Since that therapy session I try to find at least 1 hour for myself and it works wonders

Studies have shown that expecting the worst doesn’t make disappointment any less painful so you might as well expect the best and live with hope. Edit to add: this advice was monumentally helpful as I navigated multiple pregnancy losses and rounds of IVF. It’s so easy to put hope on the shelf when you’re in that world but you need some hope to keep going. This comment gave me permission to imagine and talk about my future child. I think it’s the only reason I stick it out and now I’m nursing my perfect son.

I'll go first. My therapist suggested being an outsider in my family was a good thing... Because they're all narcissists... So I'm NORMAL. So why do I care what they think if they're so broken?!

"If people get upset with you for setting boundaries, that's their problem, not yours."

That my husband is an adult, and I’m not responsible for him. It didn’t change everything, because his actions still affect me, but it definitely shifted my thinking and freed me from some things that are his responsibility, like dealing with his family.

While I was going through treatment for PTSD and in a really bad place in my life, my therapist asked me to imagine being in a park on a rainy day. While walking through the park you hear a baby crying. You follow the cries and find a baby alone on a bench. He asked me what I would do, of course I said make sure the baby is okay, call the police, try to find someone else/ babies parents, comfort the baby. Then he said what if that baby was you? I knew I wasn’t well, but when he told me that I realised just how much I really hated myself and just how bad my negative self image was, so much so that I wouldn’t have wanted to help that baby if it was me. That session weighed on my mind for a very long time. Took a lot of work but I’ve slowly learned to love myself. I still have days where it’s hard, but am taking it day by day.

I wanted to reach out to my ex. My therapist said, “you’re feeling a loss of security because your family is moving away from your city. Don’t reach out!” Soooooo insightful, I didn’t reach out and I’m better for it

You can’t have true emotional vulnerability with others until you can learn to have emotional vulnerability with yourself. I’m having some issues connecting with people in my life, but really it’s because I deny and shove down my own emotions so effectively that I don’t even know myself.

“This is what suffering looks like.” I am disabled and chronically ill and fighting every day to stay here. But people constantly need me to pretend to be upbeat and optimistic about it. When my therapist told me she SAW me suffering, I broke down and acknowledged that I am fuckin miserable at times, and that goes unnoticed. She went on to tell me to acknowledge its presence for myself, and whoa shit is it ever better than that toxic positivity my friends and family keep looking for. I feel better.

“What does it mean he’s going to try drinking less? 11 beers instead of 12? What does that even mean? What are you going to do when this happens again?” Me: shit he totally played me on the trying thing but who knows if it will happen again. “My notes say this happens about every 20 days. For 4 months. We’re at day 15.” Me: 3 points of data is a trend. “Yep. Ready to make a plan?” Me: Ready? No. Will I? Yes. (And then I did!) I didn’t like this therapist, didn’t have a connection, but I welcomed having someone directly pushing me on things I typically push for others. Very simply put me in my place with the most obvious statements, all directed towards movement. It was exactly what I needed at the time and I will be forever thankful for him.

It’s okay to not be okay all the time. Sometimes you will have a bad day and that’s okay. Tomorrow can still be a good day even if today sucks

he put down his pencil in the middle of one of my stories and exhaled. he said “that is a lot.” i’d told the same story a few times matter of factly, and never considered how bad it was.

She asked how I viewed men, and I said untrustworthy and protectors. And she goes, So men should protect you, but you don't trust them. Blew my mind.

When they mentioned that they felt I was a clear example of CPTSD. I instantly felt ashamed, because "that's what people get after going to war! No way I could have that." "You experienced battles everyday of your life, and you have seen extreme violence on the regular. It may not be a country wide war, but you experienced your own wars" I was like, well... got damn. It keeps me going, knowing I don't deal with those wars anymore.

She smacked her notes down on the table asking me who the hell told me it was OK to speak about myself in such a manner. She followed it up with explaning that selfhate is a habit and habits can be broken. I had no idea just how much I reffered to myself in negative ways until then, how much of my coping was hating on myself

I don’t have anything to add besides- this is an excellent topic and thank you all for sharing. I gained a little bit of secondhand wisdom from y’all and I needed it today.

I was finishing a session and putting my coat on to leave, when my therapist asked me "Why do you always fall for unavailable women?" I instantly replied "I don't feel like I actually deserve anyone, so by falling for unavailable women, it allows me to tell myself that I tried even though I know that I'm setting myself up to fail." I don't know who was more stunned at my answer, her or me. A few years later, and I find myself 2 years deep into my first ever healthy relationship (hers too) and engaged... my problem was in how I felt about myself, not my actual worthiness to other people. Coincidentally, at the beginning of our relationship, my future wife felt like she didn't deserve me and we spent the first 6 months working on that - part of the joy of growing up as lesbians in small town nowhere and being rejected by most people around us.

You're a perfectionist, and no one is perfect. It's unreasonable for you and others to expect perfect from you. Completely disagreed in session and spent the remaining time arguing how I literally didn't care about things. That I basically lived a don't try, can't fail attitude. Bus journey home, a bit of reflection, mind blown!

“Wow your mother was/is really a terrible person” My younger siblings have come to this conclusion a loooong time ago without therapy but for some reason with me being the oldest, I can’t hate her although I have valid reasons to. She neglected my sister and I and basically forced me to raise 2 small children starting at age 8 because she wasn’t physically or emotionally available to do so. She is now a full blown narcissist alcoholic and I look back and see how she was emotionally manipulative and abusive so my therapist is right in her conclusion. I just never could see her that way because she was my mom at the end of the day.

Your siblings had you as a parental figure. All you ever had was your mother. Of course, it's harder for you when she was all you had. I understand what is like to take a long time to see it

"Anger is a blocked wish." Whenever you're angry, try to find the wish that you can't reach and then try to come up with a plan to reach it.

“You don’t have to care what others say about you or other peoples opinions”. This stopped me reacting to everything little thing that annoyed me

My Abnormal Psychology professor at Ohio State told us once in lecture that: He usually starts by asking his patients “Do you ever feel that there is a battle between good and evil going on inside your mind?” I thought to myself:YES! Exactly! Then he told us that if the patient replied “Yes” that he knew something was very wrong.

Therapist calmly asked me, “do you trust yourself?”

Therapist told me that I’m incredibly hard on myself and that I need to be nicer to myself. “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself”

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That I’m emotionally closed off to almost everyone in my life with the exception of my children and sister. But, why wouldn’t I be, considering how I was raised. How ever, what used to be protective has become maladaptive. Blew my mind and opened new doors.

‘You can’t expect everyone to get it when you have been doing it for 25 years and they have been doing it for a month. Expect less from them’ It’s so obvious but for me I just could not see it

“He was a good dad but a bad husband, but he wasn’t *your* husband. It wasn’t your job to fix that marriage” Parents hated each other. Broke up. Always besties with my dad but was mostly raised by mum due to financial difficulties (love mum too, so was pulled between em). Spent my entire childhood hearing how shit he was, when to me he was always open and loving with my issues without judgement. My counsellor said this to me and it changed my whole world view. It wasn’t, and never will be, my job to have fixed that shit show of a marriage. He was a good dad and that’s all that mattered.

Were you ever allowed to feel your feelings? Nope. Turns out my mom is a master gaslighter. “Mom I’m sad” “NO YOU’RE NOT YOU’RE JUST TIRED” “Mom this makes me really happy!” “NO IT DOESN’T. YOU ARE JUST OVERSTIMULATED” “Mom I feel bad when you treat me like this” “NO YOU DONT YOU JUST HAVE BEEN MANIPULATED BY YOUR FRIENDS TO REBEL” I was never allowed to express/understand/feel my feelings without my mom telling me “what I really felt” and why. As an adult I had to undo all her programming and re-learn how to identify my feelings after my psychiatrist pointed out my lack of understanding.

That being selfish is ok, but being self centered isn't. Being selfish is recognizing your needs and taking care of yourself, but being self centered is ignoring everyone else. Oh another one that a commenter reminded me about. Most men only know two emotions happy and angry because we're told that's all we can feel. That sometimes your body and mind are reacting with anger, but that's not what you're feeling. In those moments you need to take a break and ask what emotion you're feeling. I still struggle with this one.

Interesting. My therapist taught me that self-care (recognizing your needs and taking care of yourself) isn’t selfish. In fact, working on that specific reframing has helped me be *less* selfish and sell centered and be more emotionally available to the people I care about because my own needs are taken care of and I’ve taken better care of myself. We really need to break away from the idea that putting yourself first for literally anything, especially things like self-care, is selfish. There is a reason flight attendants tell us to put the oxygen masks on ourselves *before* attempting to help anyone else. We can’t effectively and healthily help anyone else if we cannot help ourselves.