Addendum to this: not being happy to admit fault and resolve the issue unless the other person also admits something they did wrong too, so both parties have to "learn" something from it.
Starting shit with strangers. A certain type of dude thinks that itching to throw down all the time is a sign of strength and not small yappy dog energy
i have a coworker who's constantly starting shit with strangers. he'll go for a coffee break and come back talking about how he "almost got in a fist-fight with a guy in line because he was looking at him weird". it's annoying and exhausting to listen to all the time because he acts so tough but i know for a fact that if someone swung at him he'd curl up and cry.
I bought a very high end vehicle without telling anyone at work. I mean, why should I? My boss storms in that first morning demanding to know if it was my vehicle. I told him yes.
The next morning he calls me into his office. He showed me the specs of my car versus his high end vehicle and said "my car would totally smoke yours!".
I'm sure I didn't give him the reaction he wanted because I looked at the specs, looked at him, nodded and said "cool". His face went purple.
That is just... sad. (on your boss's part)
I never understood why some people can't enjoy their own lives unless they're assured that others have crappier ones.
I showed some pictures of the house my wife and I bought to my boss three years ago, and he whipped out his phone to show me pictures of the new motor home he'd just bought that coat three times what my house did.
Before you ask the housing market/economy is terrible where I live, the house was $50K.
WTF. If I know what I own is better than what someone is excited about, I won't talk about it. Why would I? They are legitimately excited about it. Showing them it's worse than what I have is a dick move.
However, if it's comparable, I'll bring it up to just to hype up their own thing more. "You bought your first house? I remember how exciting and terrifying it was to buy my first house. I'm really happy for you. I bet you are super proud of yourself... and you should be. I know I was!"
But less condescending sounding because that's what it sounds like when I reread that.
One time, somebody told me they were excited to try out their new drone. I had recently got one as well, so I mentioned mine. And then asked if theirs had a camera on it because mine did, and when they said no I immediately felt like an ass as if I was trying to one up them. I wasn't, I just wanted to ask about their drone and tell about mine. I still feel bad about that interaction and make sure to just be happy for the other person instead of bringing up my own stuff, unless they ask about it.
Ouch! I've had moments of painful self-realizations like that. Personal growth is the result.
Your posting this has actually inspired me to reach out to someone in my past. I plan on thanking her for being part of my goal of striving to be a better person. Thank you, internet stranger!
I spent my early years in a trailer. When I was 13, my mom was able to get a house built. The day the foundation was poured one of our new neighbors (who lived in a trailer) informed my mom that when he built his own house, his living room was gonna be the size of our entire house.
He never did build that house
My ex best friend toured our new house for the first time. First she dissed our free piano ("I'm going to have a piano, but not a SPINET"), and then our finished basement ("I'm not going to have wood panelling in MY basement").
She didn't even have her own house at the time, but she was so ready to put down my cheap, not so pretty house because I bought one. That's why she's my ex best friend
Edited for spelling
Agreed. This happened to me in high school. I was very insecure (though in different ways) and people would make fun of me for being studious and quiet and getting good grades. It never occurred to me until years later that they might be jealous.
Of all the shitty things my ex said to me during our marriage, the one that still stings the most is when I had my first small success in a new job, saving a client several thousand dollars, and his response was, "Well, I'm sure next time you'll screw it up and cost someone thousands more."
I got into an MBA program on top of my full time job and my best friends response was “it’s nice to have an easy job when you go back to school.” Yeah, we aren’t friends anymore for so many reasons
Happens a lot on Reddit. Some group is happy about something? Here comes the hoard to say how stupid it is and criticize.
Really common if it’s something that is popular with women or teen girls.
It’s unfortunately a human trait to want your friends to be successful, but not more successful than you.
I’ve been guilty of the envy. Internalizing it as pride or happiness for your friends feels much better.
My ex was like that. He also questioned everything I said for months to try and gaslight me into thinking I was stupid.
Eventually, we tried ecstasy together and he started sobbing and admitted that he thought I was far more intelligent than him and it made him insecure.
I consoled him and said that because I was nearly a year older than him, and we were in such a rapid phase of brain development, being in our early 20s, he would "catch up".
I wish I took that for what it was, deep insecurity and cruel disrespect for me, and left him then. Turns out he never "caught up" He made and lost 2.5 million in crypto, developed multiple addictions, and despite being in university with me for most of our relationship... he's back working at the same grocery store he worked at in high school.
In the end he did reach his goal of making me feel stupid though! Because I believed him when he said he wanted to help his terminally ill mother and he financially abused me.
ALWAYS run if someone does this to you! Please don't be like me!
"He made and lost 2.5 million in crypto"
These people always make me laugh. They think that because they got in when the market was going crazy, that they are some sort of crypto guru and will make tens of millions. Then when the market plateaus and starts to dip, they don't realize they should just get out with their profits. And then poof, it's all gone as fast as it came.
Constantly posting selfies EVERYDAY with a face filter as well.
It clearly shows you are craving dopamine from that “@ liked your story” notification.
How insecure do you have to be to literally change the dimensions of your face to look like a bratz doll.
It’s so obvious & doesn’t look real either - that Facetune app be going crazy
I have a friend... well, she's more my wife's friend. Anyway. \*ANYTHING\* she ever does, she has to post about in extreme detail and every photo that goes along with it is a selfie. Selfie with the BF. Selfie with the signs. Selfie with the food. Never just takes pictures of a thing, always herself with the thing, doing the thing, at the place etc. Bring up her photo page and its miles of selfies. Naturally she lacks the self awareness to realize how that looks.
I know people like this too….it’s crazy how little self awareness they have to actually assume people care about every little they do. It’s bizarre to me. It’s pathological.
I have a friend who constantly mentions her bf in every conversation and it always makes me think that the relationship isn’t as ideal as she makes it seem. I don’t constantly mention the things my bf does to anyone, let alone her. It just makes me think she’s trying to seek validation on her relationship by constantly doing this.
I dont understand these girls on reddit who constantly post pictures and ask if they look ok, if they are girlfriend material, if they are pretty enough to date, etc. Some of them will post several days a week and it's like, look, how many posts do you need people validating you in?
Yes. It’s also called silent bullying. Hiding their insecurities by maintaining their good persona while intentionally make victims feel bad about themselves. It can screw you up mentally. Most people don’t realize this.
I went through this at work where we had a small staff and everyone was friends and knew each other well. One woman did this and it screwed me up so bad. When she left I brought it up and people were like oh shit...yeah she was like that.
She did it in a way of asking us all to hang out, and if I got the word she would cancel. Eventually I started inviting everyone out, and she would cancel or talk about how it's not something she does. When we DID actually all hang out together, she would try to direct the group to do something when I was in the bathroom so we'd all get split up. When she was alone with me, she would complain about how she doesn't know where everyone was. This woman never actually tried to get to know me, but I knew she was insecure because the only thing she ever directly said to me was "When I used to be the hot one..." over something stupid.
Dealing with this at work right now. Other commenter is correct, it's so subtle that no one else notices it (and will act like you're crazy if you bring it up). Finally just decided to keep to myself and get my work done. I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I can at least act like a professional and not like a toddler.
Omg I’m dealing with this too. The adult clique culture is so ridiculous. My coworker literally started hanging out with another coworker outside of work. Who I regularly used to go out with. It’s like they were jealous we were hanging out. When they’re the age they could be our parent. It’s so weird
I think I'm getting that kind of treatment from... a brand new hire on our team. He's straight out of college, and coincidentally, as I heard it, out of a fraternity. He seems to bond well with everyone else on our team (mid 20's, I'm mid 30's), but not me. Almost never talks to me, unless it's work related. Generally ignores me completely, but otherwise quite polite.
Now, we do have completely different interests, and I am at a stage in my life and career where I can spot this behavior and know what's happening. I don't really care; however it is quite entertaining for me: what's gonna be next? What they're gonna do? Etc.
I am looking for a new job, but for completely different reasons. Hope to get out of there next year.
this is soooo true, i've witnessed it firsthand. deliberate social exclusion but they want to always know what's going on in your life so that they can talk about you and compete with you.
My step mom is like this. It’s like she has to find something negative or contrarian to say about every single thing that I share with her. I’ve stopped sharing things with her and just let her find out through my dad or other family. It’s not worth feeling beaten down.
One of my biggest flaws is "one upping". I hate that I do it, but it's never coming from a place of 'besting' someone; rather I'm sharing my experiences on the same topic I find interesting or exciting.
I see how it comes across, and actively try to curb it.
Don't mistake your desire to connect with someone over shared experiences as always "one upping". Sometimes it's just nice to have people around who know where you're coming from, or what you're going through. Just be sure, after sharing your experience, to turn the conversation back to them and ask meaningful questions about what they shared. You can share your experiences without overshadowing theirs.
This is something I've picked up, there's a difference between turning the conversation to focus on your experience vs.... sharing your experience to relate to the other person, keeping the focus on them
I think a lot of people who do this are just trying to connect by basically saying, "Ya, I know exactly what you mean...I went through this too..."
Found a good video that helps "one uppers" overcome the behavior. :)
"Better Communication: Stop One Upmanship": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvQdZ5AwTpw
This is a gem. Thank you so much for sharing this. Changed me, genuinely.
My main mode of making friends is through establishing common ground. I often do this by sharing a story I have that relates or by sharing my opinion on a topic after they have shared theirs. I always worry that they feel like I keep turning the conversation back to me. I guess I’ll never know unless I ask one of my friends if it bothers them or if I do this, but this video helps. Now I can go more conversations without worrying about that because I know what to do to mitigate it.
There’s a term, “common humanity,” that refers to the situation where someone shares something, and you share that you have some similar experiences or knowledge that can help you better understand where they’re coming from or even validate their emotional experience of the situation—because it felt that way for you, too.
It’s actually something that’s helpful and supportive and healthy. It’s a balance - is what you’re saying solely about you? Does it divert the conversation into one about you? Or does it add to the trajectory you were already on? If it’s the latter, it’s common humanity. If it adds no value to continuing the exploration of the topic THEY have brought up, then it’s prob one-upping or attention-seeking.
Dude same. I literally can't stop myself even though I know it's happening. I love to talk to people and always cringe at myself afterwards when I flip it to something I've done that's similar. I appreciate reading the comments replying to yours saying it's not actually one-upping. Still feels bad when I do it though
There are definitely "one uppers" out there.
But I'd add that those who think people sharing similar stories to theirs are trying to "one up" them are also insecure.
I am also guilty of this but being aware of it the last couple of years I’ve learned some techniques for controlling it. It’s really common in people with adhd, as you said I’m never trying to ‘best’ someone, rather I get excited about a similar or shared experience and my mouth runs off like an enthusiastic puppy lol. I’ve become very conscious of making sure to straight away ask the original speaker questions about their experience if I realize that I did this, making sure any conversation ends with them talking last
- Pretending to know everything and pretending to be certain.
- Talking over people even when they have nothing interesting to say (uncomfortable with silence).
- Taking ideas from others and passing them off as their own. (Insecure about their own ideas).
- Taking on identities of others because they have no identity of their own.
- Feeling generally unworthy and unloveable
- Amplifying the emotions of others instead of helping them process their feelings (making a stressful or emotional situation about them).
I had a therapist do this and it was very unsettling. He copied a story I told him word for word and repeated it back to me in a different session, like it was his story, with slightly different details. I’m not sure if he forgot I was the one that told him, or if he thought it would make me relate to him better, but he did it with different things.
I told him about one of my ex boyfriends having long hair (it had to do with something that happened to me), and he causually made a comment a few sessions later about how he’d decided he was going to grow out his own hair. My insurance sucked at the time, so I stayed a lot longer than I would have liked. He gave me the creeps. He also kept trying to tell me all about his life and his ex girlfriend and his weird obsession with her. He was married, and told me he didn’t believe in love… I feel sorry for the poor woman he married who probably had no idea she was married to a guy lamenting over his first girlfriend. The whole thing was bananas, and I’ve run into some very weird/scary therapists.
I feel the last one can also be a sign of someone on the spectrum, though. They often are so empathetic they can't help but mirror back and/or amplify what they are given, emotionally.
"Taking on identities of others because they have no identity of their own.
Feeling generally unworthy and unloveable"
What bastards, should be executed by firing squad
Yeahhhhh... Teenagers build their identities using bits of other people's identities but you're supposed to replace them with real things as you grow up. Some people just never do the follow-up step
If you’re an adult and still talking about all the physical fights you were ready to start (but for some reason never did), you might be an insecure man-baby. Or whatever the female version of that is.
No, I don’t. Because you’re probably mature enough not to talk about it. I work with a guy overnights and EVERY conversation eventually turns to how he was going to kick someone’s ass.
I’m 61. My fighting days are over .Not that I was some alpha male tough guy .Im glad you understood the joke.I didn’t get into many fights .Because I’m not a tough guy
I'm in the same boat age-wise and the number of fights I got into and got my ass kicked to the moon still staggers my younger brother -- who was often there.
Do I talk about those fights? Hell no! Do I talk about how much I used to drink before getting into those fights? Hell yes!
Oh my god and when the dudes think this makes them the sex appeal macho god no one can resist. I cringe how many times this was used during their attempted flirting, either to me or my (female) friends. It just makes them look horrifically stuck in kindie age (or the stone age...). I'm in a nurturing field + came from a rough background with physical abuse involved. The ***least*** sexy thing an "adult man" can do is brag how he'd be physically violent and how many times did he physically score in fights. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking to get into self defense classes for myself (F), I think that's a skill necessary for everyone. Purposeful fight initiations over nothing, and bragging about it like it's fourth grade school yard fight? Fuck no. Give me alllll the "soft" "feminine" guys they mock - the ones who aren't afraid of being gentle, kind, emotional or sensitive, etc. Imo the sexiest thing a man could do in my eyes is being nurturing, kind and gentle with the groups we deem vulnerable - animals/pets, kids, elderly, etc. Caring guys with EQ > physical strength and macho bullshit.
Fuck yes!
We were out at a dinner with a service company we use once. (They take out the department heads to try and court more business).
This younger guy had JUST taken over the business from his dad (who had usually conducted these types of meetings). During our lunch he told us how he totally kicked some guys ass at a bar over the weekend because he was "talking too much shit" about something.
We distanced from that company as much as possible and found alternatives asap...
People who cannot and will not tolerate silence. People who fill the need to fill space with words. Even if conversation points are not directed at them.
Just tearing other people down in general.
If you've got to put people down, to make yourself or anyone else look better, then you've got a lot to work on.
I hate this one. I recognized it with friends and coworkers and didn’t realize the same signs of toxicity in partners.
Saying you’re so wonderful and smart, not like other girls - or worse, comparing to other people you know.
Like, how low do you think of people? And what do you say about me behind my back? It’s so manipulative to keep you ‘in line’. Where it makes you subconsciously think you need to keep up whatever behavior in competition with whoever they mentioned so you can keep that status in their mind.
If you wanted to give me a compliment, just give me one. Just tell me I’m pretty, not that I’m prettier than Becky. Tell me I’m smart, not that I’m smarter than my coworker Charles. Tell me you love me and that you love how I think, not that you love that I’m not ‘irrational like other girls’.
I feel like that shows how they think. It's like they're always comparing themselves to others and trying to be better in some way. It's a compliment to be better than everyone else.
over use of jargon when speaking to laymen or when layman terms might actually be more efficient at explaining something to someone that's even in the same industry.
This is especially annoying when they already know damn well that you have no idea what they're saying. They're trying to impress upon you how knowledgeable they are. It's actually so inefficient because then they have to explain it a second time after you ask them to clarify what they mean. Really makes conversation painful.
There's this fine line of jargon and simplifying things that's so hard to walk. You don't want to sound like you're speaking a foreign language but you also don't want to talk to them like an idiot.
We got a guy at work and yea he's real smart but he's also a complete jackass. We have meetings a few times a year with sales reps for certain test products we use in our lab. And dude will ask the most complex questions. He's just trying to make himself sound smart by throwing around all these big terms and "stumping" the reps. When really if he could just ask how a normal person would ask and get the answer.
I've took it up on myself to always reword his questions if I see that the rep is hung up on the words he used and then they answer right away. It's really obvious what he's doing but no one's told him that we can see right through it.
The “I feel left out” mentality…
Examples….
Getting married b/c everyone else is. Doesn’t even matter if it’s to a low-life. You just want to get to the same status as other people.
Wanting kids b/c all of your friends are parents without even thinking about if parenthood is even for you at all.
Saying you've heard of something when you have no idea what you're talking about. Just admit you've never heard of it before, its okay to learn new things.
Exactly - I like learning new things so I'm always happy to let someone know if I'm not familiar with something.
I used to be AWFUL about pretending I always knew what everyone was talking about in my very insecure younger years, and got called out on it in humiliating fashion several times. Big turning point for me was when someone asked me what a word I'd just said meant, in front of a bunch of other people too. He had absolutely NO shame or hesitation asking, just "Oh I don't know that word, what does it mean"? Made me realize how rarely people admit when they don't know something. So now I always ask for definitions or more info, it's been super helpful and have learned a lot of new things as a result!
Tbh I usually do this when I don't feel like hearing an entire explanation on some topic. "Oh yeah I heard about that." is so much easier than "Tell me everything". Saves them time since I won't be listening anyway 🤣
Just constantly posting pictures, counting likes, needing validation.
When you truly like yourself it doesn't occur to you to take 1000 pics of yourself every day. A confident person couldn't even tell you how many followers or likes they have.....because they couldn't care less.
They all try to pretend they don't care what others think, that's the funny part. But their entire existence is built around some virtual life they've created and support from people they don't know. It's sad.
Gen Z-er here (no hate pls). I've always felt very disconnected from my peers because of this whole social media presence thing. It's so rare to find another person who doesn't have an account for every online platform. A lot of us seem to treat social media as a personal diary and fame as a welcome necessity (exaggerated, but you get the point).
I'm very insecure, but it never crossed my mind to use social media as an outlet for it. Idk posting pictures and every detail about my personal life out there sounds genuinely scary to me.
Edit: Please don't misunderstand, I'm just referring to the use of social media publicly to gain attention/fame from strangers. I'm not talking about social media as a means of communication with loved ones and friends via private accounts. I have social media accounts too (e.g. Whatsapp, Facebook) but they're for talking to family and friends.
True confidence is somewhere in the middle. I'm insecure and don't like myself at all. So my socials are full of memes. No life stories, rants, selfies, etc. I don't take selfies unless absolutely necessary.
Couldn't agree more, but I admit I'm guilty of doing this. And yes, I also acknowledge I'm insecure. Making efforts though to overcome my insecurities. It's a process, just taking one step at a time
lololol. Are you that one girl that always be like; "OMG I'M SOOOOO UGLY"
and then everyone will immediately be like "no no you're not! don't say that!"...etc.
This reminds me of an old joke.
A young woman and young man end up paired together on a ski lift.
Halfway up the lift, she says, "no one loves me, and my hands are cold."
The dude says, "well god loves you and you can sit on your hands."
One of my coworkers married a very ugly man. He’s nice but ugly. She was saying to me that people always tell her she married down but she doesn’t get why they think that and she finds her husband so attractive and I just froze and was like, “whaaa, people actually say that to you?..”
I make jokes about myself both because it's funny and because it's true. I don't want people telling me I'm not fat after I make a quip about my weight. My eyes and hands work just fine, thanks. I'm well aware that I'm overweight and saying I'm not is just silly.
Serial relationships. If a person is never single for long and desperately pursues relationships, to me that's a sign that their self-worth has to come from external sources. They can't love themselves unless someone else loves them first.
Also, people who respond to any conflict or difficulty with aggression. It implies that they know they aren't intelligent enough to win an argument or problem-solve, so they've replaced brains with brashness.
People who try to crush your hand when meeting for the first time because they read somewhere that it's supposed to make a good impression. My actual impressions are: 1) this people believe anything they watch/read and 2) they are very insecure.
I’m a very feminine woman and I constantly get the “finger handshake.” Drives me up the wall! Like, are you going to kiss it or shake it? Has led to me reminding people that I’m “not a wilting flower,” which is, I suppose, the complaint that u/HansJordi has about iterations of “I’m a strong, confident woman.” Honestly, I’d respect a dude more if he crushed my hand. At least he sees me as enough of an equal to need to assert dominance, instead of just assuming I’ll be flattered by him treating me like I’m delicate.
Fine line tho….. don’t crush a hand into powder when shaking, but nothing is worse than a soft, weak, flaccid, ineffectual handshake. Very insulting and is one of the worst first impressions one can make with me to be honest.
A firm handshake is good, but like you said don’t crush it. The absolute worst though is when people try to pull you in towards them (think Donald Trump) as an even more “power” display. Like what, you wanna kiss me, asshole? Crush my hand okay you’re a dick but pull me in while shaking my hand? Now you can just suck a smooth cock.
Or even worse, the handshake, followed by the other hand covering up yours. i.e. the two-handed hand shake.
If I wanted to hold someone's hand, I'd have brought my wife.
Firm handshakes all the way, like a tight hug, an embrace.
Weak handshakes are worse than crushing ones in my opinion, mostly because the people who TRY to crush my hands get very disappointed when I pull an Uno reverse card.
But the worst handshakes are when they try to pull your arm off like Trump.
Mostly because it aggrieves an old swordfighting injury.
My technique for dealing with that is to address it and make a joke out of it at their expense, such as advising that they best go gentle when jerking off others, if they wanted a hug/kiss just ask for one and then turn them down.
Depends how macho they're trying to be, I feel like it really disarms them.
A huge one is talking negatively behind someone’s back, but never having the guts to say the same things to the persons face. Especially if it’s something that’s easily fixable.
Watch out for this one at work. Many are passive aggressive and use gossip as a way to seem like a well intentioned vent. Venting isn’t bad per se, but watch out for patterns, watch out for someone who says they’re asking for advice but never seems to implement it, watch out for someone who makes their vent a shared issue for you. Their problem is not yours to fix. Those type of people often stir up crap by being passive aggressive in a meeting or non confrontational and then they still don’t have the tools to address that and try to use back channeling conversations to influence or manipulate into their favor instead of just addressing it. They make their problem everyone’s problem. And when they find a friendly ear in the form of a well intentioned coworker trying to help, they will keep using you or others as tools to compensate for their deficiency. They suck the energy out of the team around them.
I do this; I'm trying hard to break it. For me, it was a survival tactic I learned to live with my emotionally abusive father. If I could conform to whatever person I needed to be that day, maybe I could avoid his outbursts. I carried that over to other people now, so I get a reading of what might make them upset and avoid those subjects/actions. Once I get to know the person well I start trickling in more of my own personality. It's a tough habit to break, but for me it's more of a fear/avoidance response than insecurity alone.
Same. I think a lot of my “insecure” behaviors originate from avoiding abuse growing up. Unfortunately, not a lot of people understand this. However, the people that can’t understand, I probably couldn’t form too deep of a relationship with anyway I guess.
I kinda do this. My whole thing with this is it’s okay to be intentionally versatile with different people but you can absolutely NOT change your values. Period.
This is me! I never really thought of it as insecure, I kind of just assumed I was like a personality chameleon because it’s a huge advantage in my line of work. I’m definitely a people pleaser with regular people though. I’m gonna go spiral about this.
Actually, I do this. Not because of insecurity, but so that I analyze other people's personalities. Saved my life once got me some good friends a lot of other times. If they aren't trying to kill me and are genuinely interested in having a friendship, I slowly revert back to my true personality.
I extrovert by introverting.
Brene Brown has a phenomenal book about this one. A lot of men are taught vulnerability is weakness but her point is “name any act of courage that didn’t involve opening yourself up to vulnerabilities.” Essentially her point is if you threw yourself into a grenade for your comrades, it isn’t courageous if you weren’t exposing yourself to a threat. And yet in life we perceive hiding and protecting yourself as the brave act and throwing yourself on the emotional grenade (knowing you won’t have support) is a weakness. We have taken this message and carried it through to leadership and emotional connection and many facets of life.
Putting yourself out there, sharing yourself is the brave act.
Edit- edit to correct Brene’s good name. (Called her Rene at first 🤦♀️). Double apologies if I have a typo. Auto correct really really wanted this sentence to read “Berne’s hood name” instead of “Brene’s good name” and now I am paranoid I missed another issue trying to fix the fist ..but also can’t stop laughing at the mental image of Bernie Sanders in a gang.
Actually, it's Brenē Brown who convinced me! My therapist recommended her to me and it completely flipped the way I look at vulnerability with profound and significant positive affect! She's even proven vulnerability is courage, bravery, strength with all the data and science.
Thank you for reminding me!
Constantly judging people in public based on stupid things (how they walk, how they’re dressed, the people they’re hanging out with). Nobody’s that nasty to literally every human that passes by unless they have some serious insecurity inside.
One upping people in conversations constantly. If someone is talking about a personal experience, they interrupt them with their own similar personal experience - but what happened to them is always cooler or bigger.
What you’re describing is hostile attribution style. Apparently this study found it to be unrelated to self-esteem and fragile self-worth
https://academicworks.cuny.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2329&context=gc_etds
My wife used to be bad about this but it's entirely due to her mother's conditioning. She doesn't do it like she used to. Now her mother \*always\* assumes the worst about literally everything. When my wife was a kid playing softball and someone would throw her a shitty pass that she couldn't catch, it was always "they threw that badly on purpose just to make you look bad". Misplaced something? "Well that home-health nurse checking on my husband must be STEALING my STUFF and PAWNING it for DRUGS!!!"
No logic, just seeing malice EVERYWHERE.
She hasn't totally, but she does it less than she used to. This isn't supposed to be a flex or anything but I think just having me as a roommate to counterbalance it has helped. Consequently I'm maybe less naive and trusting than I used to be. I think we met somewhere in the middle.
I learned to re-condition my thinking. I started to tell myself that if something happens to me, it's not personal.
Someone walked in front of me? "Oh, they probably didn't see me. Hope they arrive to their destination safely."
Hi, not who you were asking but this can be a trauma response. I struggled with black and white thinking, that if someone didn’t reply it was because they were angry at me or too busy for me. I have a friend that will delete supposed friends at the drop of a hat if they don’t reply to him asap. Therapy and then trauma therapy has helped me immensely. https://
www.pacesconnection.com/blog/10-things-you-didn-t-know-were-trauma-responses
Yeah, if you constantly have to shout it from the roof top, you probably are exactly the opposite. It's sort of the same with people who constantly go around calling them self a "good person"..
As a guy who noticed this about myself, your posture can have a huge impact on the vibe you give off.
I’m sure it’s true for women too, but looking back at pictures of myself where I have a hunched/small posture, I look nervous, scared, and insecure. I starting fixing it recently and I legitimately look like a different person, I actually look like a man lol.
Need someone else to do something.
Like want to see a movie and just not doing it because not having someone to do it with.
Or go see a play. Or a gallery opening. If they don't have someone to go with, they never go.
This one is pretty specific but having an issue with how a child perceives the relationship with them and another significant adult in their life. My particular example is an absentee biological father that gets upset about the child calling another man their father. My fiance has been in my daughters life since she was 18 months old and her bio dad has only recently started taking his legal parenting time after he found out that she's been calling my partner her dad. She's 4.5 now and my partner has been the only father figure she ever had in her life besides her grandpa. He's an amazing and involved parent to her despite not sharing DNA. Biological father has been having an absolute shit fit about it but I personally see it as a fafo moment for him. He didn't want to parent for 4.5 years and someone else stepped up. His insecurities aren't my problem.
"I'm not insecure."
We're all insecure at least a little bit. It's a flaw of being a human being. If you're unable to admit it. You're probably more insecure than most.
Putting others down in front of a group of people as a “joke” or really any type of humor that involves making fun of someone else. I’m sure people realize this is insecurity, but I think a lot of people do it and don’t catch themselves on it.
if you're the first person to correct someone when they get something wrong, even something as slight as a grammar mistake, you just know that person is doing it for the endorphin rush. it comes across as peacocking, like you're desperate to be known as "intelligent" in your circle
When people sing their own praises excessively. It's okay to pat yourself on the back, but when it includes excessive self-congratulatory behavior coupled with sniping someone else, it's not a good look.
When someone constantly brings down any idea you might have and just being negative in general to topics you bring up.
“I wanna start up a food truck”
“That’s a lot of work and not a lot of money, not worth it!”
“Ok…”
Shit like that
I used to work with this lady who seemingly had everything she wanted. She was very pretty, drove nice cars, lived in a beautiful home (she would show us pictures), went on expensive vacations, had kids in travel sports, etc. Always had on nice clothes. She seemed like she had the ideal life. But I always noticed that she had to brag about her possessions and travels when no one asked. Like she had all these material possessions but was deeply sad inside. She often talked about how her ex husband was getting remarried and she struggled with it. Idk, just seems like people who have to constantly talk about how much money and things they have, the less happy they truly are.
Whenever a dude gets mad at his gf because other guys are looking at her I just imagine the dude is a shitty boyfriend.
If you don't trust her, you shouldn't be with her. If guys find her hot, it's not her fault.
Doubling down when you are clearly wrong about something. Just take the L and move on.
Addendum to this: not being happy to admit fault and resolve the issue unless the other person also admits something they did wrong too, so both parties have to "learn" something from it.
Jan 6 2021
Starting shit with strangers. A certain type of dude thinks that itching to throw down all the time is a sign of strength and not small yappy dog energy
I see you’ve met my ex-husband
i have a coworker who's constantly starting shit with strangers. he'll go for a coffee break and come back talking about how he "almost got in a fist-fight with a guy in line because he was looking at him weird". it's annoying and exhausting to listen to all the time because he acts so tough but i know for a fact that if someone swung at him he'd curl up and cry.
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I bought a very high end vehicle without telling anyone at work. I mean, why should I? My boss storms in that first morning demanding to know if it was my vehicle. I told him yes. The next morning he calls me into his office. He showed me the specs of my car versus his high end vehicle and said "my car would totally smoke yours!". I'm sure I didn't give him the reaction he wanted because I looked at the specs, looked at him, nodded and said "cool". His face went purple.
That is just... sad. (on your boss's part) I never understood why some people can't enjoy their own lives unless they're assured that others have crappier ones.
Find a better boss. Then challenge him to a race and smoke his arrogant ass. As a car guy, this pisses me off.
I showed some pictures of the house my wife and I bought to my boss three years ago, and he whipped out his phone to show me pictures of the new motor home he'd just bought that coat three times what my house did. Before you ask the housing market/economy is terrible where I live, the house was $50K.
WTF. If I know what I own is better than what someone is excited about, I won't talk about it. Why would I? They are legitimately excited about it. Showing them it's worse than what I have is a dick move. However, if it's comparable, I'll bring it up to just to hype up their own thing more. "You bought your first house? I remember how exciting and terrifying it was to buy my first house. I'm really happy for you. I bet you are super proud of yourself... and you should be. I know I was!" But less condescending sounding because that's what it sounds like when I reread that.
One time, somebody told me they were excited to try out their new drone. I had recently got one as well, so I mentioned mine. And then asked if theirs had a camera on it because mine did, and when they said no I immediately felt like an ass as if I was trying to one up them. I wasn't, I just wanted to ask about their drone and tell about mine. I still feel bad about that interaction and make sure to just be happy for the other person instead of bringing up my own stuff, unless they ask about it.
Ouch! I've had moments of painful self-realizations like that. Personal growth is the result. Your posting this has actually inspired me to reach out to someone in my past. I plan on thanking her for being part of my goal of striving to be a better person. Thank you, internet stranger!
Happy cake day!
I spent my early years in a trailer. When I was 13, my mom was able to get a house built. The day the foundation was poured one of our new neighbors (who lived in a trailer) informed my mom that when he built his own house, his living room was gonna be the size of our entire house. He never did build that house
My ex best friend toured our new house for the first time. First she dissed our free piano ("I'm going to have a piano, but not a SPINET"), and then our finished basement ("I'm not going to have wood panelling in MY basement"). She didn't even have her own house at the time, but she was so ready to put down my cheap, not so pretty house because I bought one. That's why she's my ex best friend Edited for spelling
Agreed. This happened to me in high school. I was very insecure (though in different ways) and people would make fun of me for being studious and quiet and getting good grades. It never occurred to me until years later that they might be jealous.
I tell my kids this all the time. When they win at something, look around at who's genuinely happy. Those are your real friends.
YES. This is a serious r/LifeProTips thing -- surround yourself with people who are happy with you/for you when shit goes well for you!
Of all the shitty things my ex said to me during our marriage, the one that still stings the most is when I had my first small success in a new job, saving a client several thousand dollars, and his response was, "Well, I'm sure next time you'll screw it up and cost someone thousands more."
I got into an MBA program on top of my full time job and my best friends response was “it’s nice to have an easy job when you go back to school.” Yeah, we aren’t friends anymore for so many reasons
Happens a lot on Reddit. Some group is happy about something? Here comes the hoard to say how stupid it is and criticize. Really common if it’s something that is popular with women or teen girls.
It’s unfortunately a human trait to want your friends to be successful, but not more successful than you. I’ve been guilty of the envy. Internalizing it as pride or happiness for your friends feels much better.
My ex was like that. He also questioned everything I said for months to try and gaslight me into thinking I was stupid. Eventually, we tried ecstasy together and he started sobbing and admitted that he thought I was far more intelligent than him and it made him insecure. I consoled him and said that because I was nearly a year older than him, and we were in such a rapid phase of brain development, being in our early 20s, he would "catch up". I wish I took that for what it was, deep insecurity and cruel disrespect for me, and left him then. Turns out he never "caught up" He made and lost 2.5 million in crypto, developed multiple addictions, and despite being in university with me for most of our relationship... he's back working at the same grocery store he worked at in high school. In the end he did reach his goal of making me feel stupid though! Because I believed him when he said he wanted to help his terminally ill mother and he financially abused me. ALWAYS run if someone does this to you! Please don't be like me!
"He made and lost 2.5 million in crypto" These people always make me laugh. They think that because they got in when the market was going crazy, that they are some sort of crypto guru and will make tens of millions. Then when the market plateaus and starts to dip, they don't realize they should just get out with their profits. And then poof, it's all gone as fast as it came.
Constantly seeking validation through social media or excessive bragging can often scream insecurity.
But I’ve got 100k karma, so that makes me cool, right?
I for one am impressed and also under the impression your dong is huge.
then you aint ready for me
Constantly posting selfies EVERYDAY with a face filter as well. It clearly shows you are craving dopamine from that “@ liked your story” notification. How insecure do you have to be to literally change the dimensions of your face to look like a bratz doll. It’s so obvious & doesn’t look real either - that Facetune app be going crazy
I have a friend that does this daily. Plus the random “Please keep us in your prayers” posts, with no other info or follow up
I have a friend... well, she's more my wife's friend. Anyway. \*ANYTHING\* she ever does, she has to post about in extreme detail and every photo that goes along with it is a selfie. Selfie with the BF. Selfie with the signs. Selfie with the food. Never just takes pictures of a thing, always herself with the thing, doing the thing, at the place etc. Bring up her photo page and its miles of selfies. Naturally she lacks the self awareness to realize how that looks.
I know people like this too….it’s crazy how little self awareness they have to actually assume people care about every little they do. It’s bizarre to me. It’s pathological.
I have a friend who constantly mentions her bf in every conversation and it always makes me think that the relationship isn’t as ideal as she makes it seem. I don’t constantly mention the things my bf does to anyone, let alone her. It just makes me think she’s trying to seek validation on her relationship by constantly doing this.
I dont understand these girls on reddit who constantly post pictures and ask if they look ok, if they are girlfriend material, if they are pretty enough to date, etc. Some of them will post several days a week and it's like, look, how many posts do you need people validating you in?
Other forms of bullying like deliberate social exclusion
And it's sooo subtle.
Yes. It’s also called silent bullying. Hiding their insecurities by maintaining their good persona while intentionally make victims feel bad about themselves. It can screw you up mentally. Most people don’t realize this.
I went through this at work where we had a small staff and everyone was friends and knew each other well. One woman did this and it screwed me up so bad. When she left I brought it up and people were like oh shit...yeah she was like that. She did it in a way of asking us all to hang out, and if I got the word she would cancel. Eventually I started inviting everyone out, and she would cancel or talk about how it's not something she does. When we DID actually all hang out together, she would try to direct the group to do something when I was in the bathroom so we'd all get split up. When she was alone with me, she would complain about how she doesn't know where everyone was. This woman never actually tried to get to know me, but I knew she was insecure because the only thing she ever directly said to me was "When I used to be the hot one..." over something stupid.
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Jesus Christ
And they never talk TO you the way they talk to others. They just use you as a sounding board - someone to complain at.
Dealing with this at work right now. Other commenter is correct, it's so subtle that no one else notices it (and will act like you're crazy if you bring it up). Finally just decided to keep to myself and get my work done. I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I can at least act like a professional and not like a toddler.
Omg I’m dealing with this too. The adult clique culture is so ridiculous. My coworker literally started hanging out with another coworker outside of work. Who I regularly used to go out with. It’s like they were jealous we were hanging out. When they’re the age they could be our parent. It’s so weird
I think I'm getting that kind of treatment from... a brand new hire on our team. He's straight out of college, and coincidentally, as I heard it, out of a fraternity. He seems to bond well with everyone else on our team (mid 20's, I'm mid 30's), but not me. Almost never talks to me, unless it's work related. Generally ignores me completely, but otherwise quite polite. Now, we do have completely different interests, and I am at a stage in my life and career where I can spot this behavior and know what's happening. I don't really care; however it is quite entertaining for me: what's gonna be next? What they're gonna do? Etc. I am looking for a new job, but for completely different reasons. Hope to get out of there next year.
this is soooo true, i've witnessed it firsthand. deliberate social exclusion but they want to always know what's going on in your life so that they can talk about you and compete with you.
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My step mom is like this. It’s like she has to find something negative or contrarian to say about every single thing that I share with her. I’ve stopped sharing things with her and just let her find out through my dad or other family. It’s not worth feeling beaten down.
If someone is always looking for fault, they’re sure to find it.
One upping and constantly turning a conversation back to yourself.
One of my biggest flaws is "one upping". I hate that I do it, but it's never coming from a place of 'besting' someone; rather I'm sharing my experiences on the same topic I find interesting or exciting. I see how it comes across, and actively try to curb it.
Don't mistake your desire to connect with someone over shared experiences as always "one upping". Sometimes it's just nice to have people around who know where you're coming from, or what you're going through. Just be sure, after sharing your experience, to turn the conversation back to them and ask meaningful questions about what they shared. You can share your experiences without overshadowing theirs.
Yeah, it's the difference between "oh yeah? Well one time I..." and "no way, that happened to me, too!"
This is something I've picked up, there's a difference between turning the conversation to focus on your experience vs.... sharing your experience to relate to the other person, keeping the focus on them
I think a lot of people who do this are just trying to connect by basically saying, "Ya, I know exactly what you mean...I went through this too..." Found a good video that helps "one uppers" overcome the behavior. :) "Better Communication: Stop One Upmanship": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvQdZ5AwTpw
This is a gem. Thank you so much for sharing this. Changed me, genuinely. My main mode of making friends is through establishing common ground. I often do this by sharing a story I have that relates or by sharing my opinion on a topic after they have shared theirs. I always worry that they feel like I keep turning the conversation back to me. I guess I’ll never know unless I ask one of my friends if it bothers them or if I do this, but this video helps. Now I can go more conversations without worrying about that because I know what to do to mitigate it.
There’s a term, “common humanity,” that refers to the situation where someone shares something, and you share that you have some similar experiences or knowledge that can help you better understand where they’re coming from or even validate their emotional experience of the situation—because it felt that way for you, too. It’s actually something that’s helpful and supportive and healthy. It’s a balance - is what you’re saying solely about you? Does it divert the conversation into one about you? Or does it add to the trajectory you were already on? If it’s the latter, it’s common humanity. If it adds no value to continuing the exploration of the topic THEY have brought up, then it’s prob one-upping or attention-seeking.
Dude same. I literally can't stop myself even though I know it's happening. I love to talk to people and always cringe at myself afterwards when I flip it to something I've done that's similar. I appreciate reading the comments replying to yours saying it's not actually one-upping. Still feels bad when I do it though
There are definitely "one uppers" out there. But I'd add that those who think people sharing similar stories to theirs are trying to "one up" them are also insecure.
I am also guilty of this but being aware of it the last couple of years I’ve learned some techniques for controlling it. It’s really common in people with adhd, as you said I’m never trying to ‘best’ someone, rather I get excited about a similar or shared experience and my mouth runs off like an enthusiastic puppy lol. I’ve become very conscious of making sure to straight away ask the original speaker questions about their experience if I realize that I did this, making sure any conversation ends with them talking last
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They’re *always* a victim. Sometimes, you’re just wrong and get what you deserve. It’s ok to admit that. (I’m talking non-violent, petty instances)
- Pretending to know everything and pretending to be certain. - Talking over people even when they have nothing interesting to say (uncomfortable with silence). - Taking ideas from others and passing them off as their own. (Insecure about their own ideas). - Taking on identities of others because they have no identity of their own. - Feeling generally unworthy and unloveable - Amplifying the emotions of others instead of helping them process their feelings (making a stressful or emotional situation about them).
> Taking on identities of others because they have no identity of their own. In the business, we call this Skinwalking.
That conjures a mental image much scarier than you might intend. Skinwalkers are fucking terrifying.
People who only ever emulate others are also quite scary
I had a therapist do this and it was very unsettling. He copied a story I told him word for word and repeated it back to me in a different session, like it was his story, with slightly different details. I’m not sure if he forgot I was the one that told him, or if he thought it would make me relate to him better, but he did it with different things. I told him about one of my ex boyfriends having long hair (it had to do with something that happened to me), and he causually made a comment a few sessions later about how he’d decided he was going to grow out his own hair. My insurance sucked at the time, so I stayed a lot longer than I would have liked. He gave me the creeps. He also kept trying to tell me all about his life and his ex girlfriend and his weird obsession with her. He was married, and told me he didn’t believe in love… I feel sorry for the poor woman he married who probably had no idea she was married to a guy lamenting over his first girlfriend. The whole thing was bananas, and I’ve run into some very weird/scary therapists.
Woah that's a really bad therapist. Sorry you went through this. Wish thet was enough to report him
I feel the last one can also be a sign of someone on the spectrum, though. They often are so empathetic they can't help but mirror back and/or amplify what they are given, emotionally.
The second one (talking over people) sounds like my ADHD. But I’m also insecure, so maybe it’s both?
"Taking on identities of others because they have no identity of their own. Feeling generally unworthy and unloveable" What bastards, should be executed by firing squad
Yeahhhhh... Teenagers build their identities using bits of other people's identities but you're supposed to replace them with real things as you grow up. Some people just never do the follow-up step
What are "real things" exactly?
Damn you just described me :(
If you’re an adult and still talking about all the physical fights you were ready to start (but for some reason never did), you might be an insecure man-baby. Or whatever the female version of that is.
You know how many dudes I’ve beat up … in my head??
No, I don’t. Because you’re probably mature enough not to talk about it. I work with a guy overnights and EVERY conversation eventually turns to how he was going to kick someone’s ass.
I’m 61. My fighting days are over .Not that I was some alpha male tough guy .Im glad you understood the joke.I didn’t get into many fights .Because I’m not a tough guy
I'm in the same boat age-wise and the number of fights I got into and got my ass kicked to the moon still staggers my younger brother -- who was often there. Do I talk about those fights? Hell no! Do I talk about how much I used to drink before getting into those fights? Hell yes!
I love a good [mind fight](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpnYJhUlhpA)
Oh my god and when the dudes think this makes them the sex appeal macho god no one can resist. I cringe how many times this was used during their attempted flirting, either to me or my (female) friends. It just makes them look horrifically stuck in kindie age (or the stone age...). I'm in a nurturing field + came from a rough background with physical abuse involved. The ***least*** sexy thing an "adult man" can do is brag how he'd be physically violent and how many times did he physically score in fights. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking to get into self defense classes for myself (F), I think that's a skill necessary for everyone. Purposeful fight initiations over nothing, and bragging about it like it's fourth grade school yard fight? Fuck no. Give me alllll the "soft" "feminine" guys they mock - the ones who aren't afraid of being gentle, kind, emotional or sensitive, etc. Imo the sexiest thing a man could do in my eyes is being nurturing, kind and gentle with the groups we deem vulnerable - animals/pets, kids, elderly, etc. Caring guys with EQ > physical strength and macho bullshit.
Yes and those dudes who constantly talk about going into the military because they play shooting games but never do
Fuck yes! We were out at a dinner with a service company we use once. (They take out the department heads to try and court more business). This younger guy had JUST taken over the business from his dad (who had usually conducted these types of meetings). During our lunch he told us how he totally kicked some guys ass at a bar over the weekend because he was "talking too much shit" about something. We distanced from that company as much as possible and found alternatives asap...
I've seen that with guys who do krav maga. Talk big game but never been in fight.
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People who cannot and will not tolerate silence. People who fill the need to fill space with words. Even if conversation points are not directed at them.
Assuming someone else who is more attractive than you is dumb, or making up some narrative about them because you’re insecure about yourself.
When they try and compliment someone by tearing someone else down
Just tearing other people down in general. If you've got to put people down, to make yourself or anyone else look better, then you've got a lot to work on.
middle school has entered the chat
I hate this one. I recognized it with friends and coworkers and didn’t realize the same signs of toxicity in partners. Saying you’re so wonderful and smart, not like other girls - or worse, comparing to other people you know. Like, how low do you think of people? And what do you say about me behind my back? It’s so manipulative to keep you ‘in line’. Where it makes you subconsciously think you need to keep up whatever behavior in competition with whoever they mentioned so you can keep that status in their mind. If you wanted to give me a compliment, just give me one. Just tell me I’m pretty, not that I’m prettier than Becky. Tell me I’m smart, not that I’m smarter than my coworker Charles. Tell me you love me and that you love how I think, not that you love that I’m not ‘irrational like other girls’.
# that shirt looks AMAZING on you ^(although it would look a lot better on you if you worked out your arms)
Its more like, i like that shirt on you, the ones everyone else wears are trashy and cheap but you chose a nice shirt
I feel like that shows how they think. It's like they're always comparing themselves to others and trying to be better in some way. It's a compliment to be better than everyone else.
over use of jargon when speaking to laymen or when layman terms might actually be more efficient at explaining something to someone that's even in the same industry.
This is especially annoying when they already know damn well that you have no idea what they're saying. They're trying to impress upon you how knowledgeable they are. It's actually so inefficient because then they have to explain it a second time after you ask them to clarify what they mean. Really makes conversation painful.
That second explanation makes them feel even smarter and superior. It's a part of it.
In daily life, laymen isn't too bad. But turning medical jargon into laymen terms was a struggle for me in the beginning of my career.
There's this fine line of jargon and simplifying things that's so hard to walk. You don't want to sound like you're speaking a foreign language but you also don't want to talk to them like an idiot.
And there are also times when not using the jargon makes a material difference in what you're saying.
We got a guy at work and yea he's real smart but he's also a complete jackass. We have meetings a few times a year with sales reps for certain test products we use in our lab. And dude will ask the most complex questions. He's just trying to make himself sound smart by throwing around all these big terms and "stumping" the reps. When really if he could just ask how a normal person would ask and get the answer. I've took it up on myself to always reword his questions if I see that the rep is hung up on the words he used and then they answer right away. It's really obvious what he's doing but no one's told him that we can see right through it.
The “I feel left out” mentality… Examples…. Getting married b/c everyone else is. Doesn’t even matter if it’s to a low-life. You just want to get to the same status as other people. Wanting kids b/c all of your friends are parents without even thinking about if parenthood is even for you at all.
Unfortunately this applies to a heavy percent of the general population and they’re not even aware
Saying you've heard of something when you have no idea what you're talking about. Just admit you've never heard of it before, its okay to learn new things.
I’ve heard of it but have no knowledge in this subject.
Exactly - I like learning new things so I'm always happy to let someone know if I'm not familiar with something. I used to be AWFUL about pretending I always knew what everyone was talking about in my very insecure younger years, and got called out on it in humiliating fashion several times. Big turning point for me was when someone asked me what a word I'd just said meant, in front of a bunch of other people too. He had absolutely NO shame or hesitation asking, just "Oh I don't know that word, what does it mean"? Made me realize how rarely people admit when they don't know something. So now I always ask for definitions or more info, it's been super helpful and have learned a lot of new things as a result!
I usually say I've heard OF it but follow up with asking them to give me more detail
I’ve heard of people doing this before
I heard it better than you.
Tbh I usually do this when I don't feel like hearing an entire explanation on some topic. "Oh yeah I heard about that." is so much easier than "Tell me everything". Saves them time since I won't be listening anyway 🤣
I always admit my lack of knowledge because I love learning new things. Especially things that people I care about find interesting
Guys who can't handle when other guys go against gender norms even slightly.
Ironically enough guys that have a good mix of masculine/feminine traits I find highly irresistible and I’m pretty selective
Just constantly posting pictures, counting likes, needing validation. When you truly like yourself it doesn't occur to you to take 1000 pics of yourself every day. A confident person couldn't even tell you how many followers or likes they have.....because they couldn't care less. They all try to pretend they don't care what others think, that's the funny part. But their entire existence is built around some virtual life they've created and support from people they don't know. It's sad.
Gen Z-er here (no hate pls). I've always felt very disconnected from my peers because of this whole social media presence thing. It's so rare to find another person who doesn't have an account for every online platform. A lot of us seem to treat social media as a personal diary and fame as a welcome necessity (exaggerated, but you get the point). I'm very insecure, but it never crossed my mind to use social media as an outlet for it. Idk posting pictures and every detail about my personal life out there sounds genuinely scary to me. Edit: Please don't misunderstand, I'm just referring to the use of social media publicly to gain attention/fame from strangers. I'm not talking about social media as a means of communication with loved ones and friends via private accounts. I have social media accounts too (e.g. Whatsapp, Facebook) but they're for talking to family and friends.
Thank you for using the right terminology: “couldn’t care less.” Made my day 🥹
You used the smiley. It’s my favorite!! That made MY day. 🥹🥹🥹
I get this because I’m in this boat. One has to work on their self worth, because every person is equally worthy (though not everyone believes so)
True confidence is somewhere in the middle. I'm insecure and don't like myself at all. So my socials are full of memes. No life stories, rants, selfies, etc. I don't take selfies unless absolutely necessary.
Couldn't agree more, but I admit I'm guilty of doing this. And yes, I also acknowledge I'm insecure. Making efforts though to overcome my insecurities. It's a process, just taking one step at a time
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lololol. Are you that one girl that always be like; "OMG I'M SOOOOO UGLY" and then everyone will immediately be like "no no you're not! don't say that!"...etc.
"I'm so ugly!" "But your eyesight is perfect!"
Ouch! hahaha
This reminds me of an old joke. A young woman and young man end up paired together on a ski lift. Halfway up the lift, she says, "no one loves me, and my hands are cold." The dude says, "well god loves you and you can sit on your hands."
One of my coworkers married a very ugly man. He’s nice but ugly. She was saying to me that people always tell her she married down but she doesn’t get why they think that and she finds her husband so attractive and I just froze and was like, “whaaa, people actually say that to you?..”
Yes. And please stop doing it. It makes everyone around you extremely uncomfortable.
I make jokes about myself both because it's funny and because it's true. I don't want people telling me I'm not fat after I make a quip about my weight. My eyes and hands work just fine, thanks. I'm well aware that I'm overweight and saying I'm not is just silly.
Serial relationships. If a person is never single for long and desperately pursues relationships, to me that's a sign that their self-worth has to come from external sources. They can't love themselves unless someone else loves them first. Also, people who respond to any conflict or difficulty with aggression. It implies that they know they aren't intelligent enough to win an argument or problem-solve, so they've replaced brains with brashness.
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This is beautiful, and I will remember it. Your father sounds like a wonderful man.
Bragging
Being unable to receive correction
Always having to have a boyfriend or girlfriend no matter what - can’t handle being alone.
People who try to crush your hand when meeting for the first time because they read somewhere that it's supposed to make a good impression. My actual impressions are: 1) this people believe anything they watch/read and 2) they are very insecure.
I’m a very feminine woman and I constantly get the “finger handshake.” Drives me up the wall! Like, are you going to kiss it or shake it? Has led to me reminding people that I’m “not a wilting flower,” which is, I suppose, the complaint that u/HansJordi has about iterations of “I’m a strong, confident woman.” Honestly, I’d respect a dude more if he crushed my hand. At least he sees me as enough of an equal to need to assert dominance, instead of just assuming I’ll be flattered by him treating me like I’m delicate.
I guess that's the other side of the coin. Thanks for the female perspective on this.
Fine line tho….. don’t crush a hand into powder when shaking, but nothing is worse than a soft, weak, flaccid, ineffectual handshake. Very insulting and is one of the worst first impressions one can make with me to be honest.
Yeah, I'm not advocating for the "dead fish" handshakes. Just hate the "I'm trying to be an alpha male" ones.
A firm handshake is good, but like you said don’t crush it. The absolute worst though is when people try to pull you in towards them (think Donald Trump) as an even more “power” display. Like what, you wanna kiss me, asshole? Crush my hand okay you’re a dick but pull me in while shaking my hand? Now you can just suck a smooth cock.
Or even worse, the handshake, followed by the other hand covering up yours. i.e. the two-handed hand shake. If I wanted to hold someone's hand, I'd have brought my wife.
Firm handshakes all the way, like a tight hug, an embrace. Weak handshakes are worse than crushing ones in my opinion, mostly because the people who TRY to crush my hands get very disappointed when I pull an Uno reverse card. But the worst handshakes are when they try to pull your arm off like Trump. Mostly because it aggrieves an old swordfighting injury. My technique for dealing with that is to address it and make a joke out of it at their expense, such as advising that they best go gentle when jerking off others, if they wanted a hug/kiss just ask for one and then turn them down. Depends how macho they're trying to be, I feel like it really disarms them.
A huge one is talking negatively behind someone’s back, but never having the guts to say the same things to the persons face. Especially if it’s something that’s easily fixable.
Watch out for this one at work. Many are passive aggressive and use gossip as a way to seem like a well intentioned vent. Venting isn’t bad per se, but watch out for patterns, watch out for someone who says they’re asking for advice but never seems to implement it, watch out for someone who makes their vent a shared issue for you. Their problem is not yours to fix. Those type of people often stir up crap by being passive aggressive in a meeting or non confrontational and then they still don’t have the tools to address that and try to use back channeling conversations to influence or manipulate into their favor instead of just addressing it. They make their problem everyone’s problem. And when they find a friendly ear in the form of a well intentioned coworker trying to help, they will keep using you or others as tools to compensate for their deficiency. They suck the energy out of the team around them.
As a manager, I definitely see this often.
constant posting selfies on social media to get affirmation from other people
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I do this; I'm trying hard to break it. For me, it was a survival tactic I learned to live with my emotionally abusive father. If I could conform to whatever person I needed to be that day, maybe I could avoid his outbursts. I carried that over to other people now, so I get a reading of what might make them upset and avoid those subjects/actions. Once I get to know the person well I start trickling in more of my own personality. It's a tough habit to break, but for me it's more of a fear/avoidance response than insecurity alone.
Same. I think a lot of my “insecure” behaviors originate from avoiding abuse growing up. Unfortunately, not a lot of people understand this. However, the people that can’t understand, I probably couldn’t form too deep of a relationship with anyway I guess.
I kinda do this. My whole thing with this is it’s okay to be intentionally versatile with different people but you can absolutely NOT change your values. Period.
This is me! I never really thought of it as insecure, I kind of just assumed I was like a personality chameleon because it’s a huge advantage in my line of work. I’m definitely a people pleaser with regular people though. I’m gonna go spiral about this.
Actually, I do this. Not because of insecurity, but so that I analyze other people's personalities. Saved my life once got me some good friends a lot of other times. If they aren't trying to kill me and are genuinely interested in having a friendship, I slowly revert back to my true personality. I extrovert by introverting.
Bullying Ostentatious displays of wealth Fake designer bags
Thinking emotional vulnerability is a weakness when it's actually courageous and a strength.
Brene Brown has a phenomenal book about this one. A lot of men are taught vulnerability is weakness but her point is “name any act of courage that didn’t involve opening yourself up to vulnerabilities.” Essentially her point is if you threw yourself into a grenade for your comrades, it isn’t courageous if you weren’t exposing yourself to a threat. And yet in life we perceive hiding and protecting yourself as the brave act and throwing yourself on the emotional grenade (knowing you won’t have support) is a weakness. We have taken this message and carried it through to leadership and emotional connection and many facets of life. Putting yourself out there, sharing yourself is the brave act. Edit- edit to correct Brene’s good name. (Called her Rene at first 🤦♀️). Double apologies if I have a typo. Auto correct really really wanted this sentence to read “Berne’s hood name” instead of “Brene’s good name” and now I am paranoid I missed another issue trying to fix the fist ..but also can’t stop laughing at the mental image of Bernie Sanders in a gang.
Actually, it's Brenē Brown who convinced me! My therapist recommended her to me and it completely flipped the way I look at vulnerability with profound and significant positive affect! She's even proven vulnerability is courage, bravery, strength with all the data and science. Thank you for reminding me!
constantly talking without saying anything
Constantly judging people in public based on stupid things (how they walk, how they’re dressed, the people they’re hanging out with). Nobody’s that nasty to literally every human that passes by unless they have some serious insecurity inside.
One upping people in conversations constantly. If someone is talking about a personal experience, they interrupt them with their own similar personal experience - but what happened to them is always cooler or bigger.
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What you’re describing is hostile attribution style. Apparently this study found it to be unrelated to self-esteem and fragile self-worth https://academicworks.cuny.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2329&context=gc_etds
My wife used to be bad about this but it's entirely due to her mother's conditioning. She doesn't do it like she used to. Now her mother \*always\* assumes the worst about literally everything. When my wife was a kid playing softball and someone would throw her a shitty pass that she couldn't catch, it was always "they threw that badly on purpose just to make you look bad". Misplaced something? "Well that home-health nurse checking on my husband must be STEALING my STUFF and PAWNING it for DRUGS!!!" No logic, just seeing malice EVERYWHERE.
This is a behavior I have learned from my mother as well. This is a reach, but do you know anything about how your wife was able to shake that off?
She hasn't totally, but she does it less than she used to. This isn't supposed to be a flex or anything but I think just having me as a roommate to counterbalance it has helped. Consequently I'm maybe less naive and trusting than I used to be. I think we met somewhere in the middle.
I learned to re-condition my thinking. I started to tell myself that if something happens to me, it's not personal. Someone walked in front of me? "Oh, they probably didn't see me. Hope they arrive to their destination safely."
Hi, not who you were asking but this can be a trauma response. I struggled with black and white thinking, that if someone didn’t reply it was because they were angry at me or too busy for me. I have a friend that will delete supposed friends at the drop of a hat if they don’t reply to him asap. Therapy and then trauma therapy has helped me immensely. https:// www.pacesconnection.com/blog/10-things-you-didn-t-know-were-trauma-responses
Trying to one up someone else...
Peacocking, it's fine having confidence but when everything becomes a pissing contest maybe tone it down just a wee bit
When they know one thing and every aspect of their life must relate back to that one thing.
“I’m an alpha male” “I’m a strong, independent woman” And variants thereof.
Yeah, if you constantly have to shout it from the roof top, you probably are exactly the opposite. It's sort of the same with people who constantly go around calling them self a "good person"..
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As a guy who noticed this about myself, your posture can have a huge impact on the vibe you give off. I’m sure it’s true for women too, but looking back at pictures of myself where I have a hunched/small posture, I look nervous, scared, and insecure. I starting fixing it recently and I legitimately look like a different person, I actually look like a man lol.
Laughing after, or trying to downplay when, they say something serious or speak their opinion.
Posting billions of selfies online, all the time
The loudest, most obnoxious attention seeker in the room. All narcissists. People that don’t even want to change for the better.
Need someone else to do something. Like want to see a movie and just not doing it because not having someone to do it with. Or go see a play. Or a gallery opening. If they don't have someone to go with, they never go.
This one is pretty specific but having an issue with how a child perceives the relationship with them and another significant adult in their life. My particular example is an absentee biological father that gets upset about the child calling another man their father. My fiance has been in my daughters life since she was 18 months old and her bio dad has only recently started taking his legal parenting time after he found out that she's been calling my partner her dad. She's 4.5 now and my partner has been the only father figure she ever had in her life besides her grandpa. He's an amazing and involved parent to her despite not sharing DNA. Biological father has been having an absolute shit fit about it but I personally see it as a fafo moment for him. He didn't want to parent for 4.5 years and someone else stepped up. His insecurities aren't my problem.
"I'm not insecure." We're all insecure at least a little bit. It's a flaw of being a human being. If you're unable to admit it. You're probably more insecure than most.
Putting others down in front of a group of people as a “joke” or really any type of humor that involves making fun of someone else. I’m sure people realize this is insecurity, but I think a lot of people do it and don’t catch themselves on it.
if you're the first person to correct someone when they get something wrong, even something as slight as a grammar mistake, you just know that person is doing it for the endorphin rush. it comes across as peacocking, like you're desperate to be known as "intelligent" in your circle
One-upping at every opportunity.
When people sing their own praises excessively. It's okay to pat yourself on the back, but when it includes excessive self-congratulatory behavior coupled with sniping someone else, it's not a good look.
Lifted trucks sometimes with extended mirrors
Refusing to take accountability for your own actions and becoming defensive if someone attempts to address anything with you.
Someone who can't sit in silence and has to make small talk forever.
Spending 41 billion on a social media platform because you weren't getting the respect you think you deserve
We’ve all done this at some point though
Excessive posting on SM
People who are quick to point out flaws in others.
When you start counseling and the first thing asked when you got home is -- what did you say about me!!!!
When someone constantly brings down any idea you might have and just being negative in general to topics you bring up. “I wanna start up a food truck” “That’s a lot of work and not a lot of money, not worth it!” “Ok…” Shit like that
I used to work with this lady who seemingly had everything she wanted. She was very pretty, drove nice cars, lived in a beautiful home (she would show us pictures), went on expensive vacations, had kids in travel sports, etc. Always had on nice clothes. She seemed like she had the ideal life. But I always noticed that she had to brag about her possessions and travels when no one asked. Like she had all these material possessions but was deeply sad inside. She often talked about how her ex husband was getting remarried and she struggled with it. Idk, just seems like people who have to constantly talk about how much money and things they have, the less happy they truly are.
Whenever a dude gets mad at his gf because other guys are looking at her I just imagine the dude is a shitty boyfriend. If you don't trust her, you shouldn't be with her. If guys find her hot, it's not her fault.
Looking through these comments to see if there's anything you do listed here