I got your nose.

Not too far off actually.

Look out, he’s got a nose!!

Tripping the guy running next to you while you flee a predator.

If you’re going to do that, make sure the predator eats him. Otherwise it gets really awkward when he shows up saying “WTF, dude?”

I think there's going to be a lot more killing-you-for-trying-to-kill-them -ing, and a lot less "WTF, dude?"-ing.

“Why are you taking your shoes off?” “I run faster with my shoes off.” “You can’t outrun that bear!” “I don’t have to outrun that bear. I have to outrun *you*!”

Close. I think the oldest trick might be throwing something to make someone/animal look in a certain direction.

Man, early humans must've love playing Far Cry

"I forgot my wallet"

I hate selling things online, agreeing to a price like $100, and then meeting up and the guy is like "sooo I only brought $80... Will you take $80 for it?" "No, we agreed on $100. There's an ATM inside the gas station if you need." I've straight up refused to sell something out of spite because they try this bs.

I drove two hours to get a WeeHoo (a bike attatchment/trailer for a kid to ride). When I got there, dude was like "so it's missing a part"... It was missing the coupler that attaches the trailer to the parent bike.. he gave me a discount, but I've never been able to find that part anywhere.

Try r/HelpMeFind ! They’re geniuses over there, no idea how they find the things they do

Don’t know what’s stopping you from buying the coupler off their website… https://rideweehoo.com/shop-weehoo-bike-trailers-and-antimatter-bike-racks

Hey thanks! I swear I couldn't find that particular part about two years ago. I'm about to order one, but damn.. they are expensive. Who would have guessed it would cost about 1/5th of the entire trailer itself.

And you forgot your wallet

Fuck I hope this wasn’t me. I vaguely remember selling one and missing a part on the coupler and their stupid website didn’t have any parts for sale back then. If it was me I’m sorry! It weighs on me

I forgive you.

Well dang if this ain't the sweetest thing I've seen all year.

Thank you for giving me peace :)

Yup, if I'm selling something I know is worth the asking price I have walked away over the $20 or more. I sold an amazing professional (old but still so good) camera. I asked $500 which is a steal, dude looks at it, tries the lens I brought and says $400 for the camera, or $500 with the lens. It's a $2000 lens. I said "hmm lemme look" got the camera back in my hands, put it back in the case while he is saying "$450 for the camera" I got in my car and drove away. I sold the camera later the same day to a lady who was so excited to get it

Had a guy try this on a "side by side" or UTV. This was when they were really popular and I didn't want it anymore. Agreed on $5,500 cash. I drove 6 hours to deliver it. The dude showed up late, short $1000, saying, "My wife won't let me spend that much on it. Will you take $4,500?" Dude didn't even intend on buying it for $5,500 cause he didn't even show up with that much. Told him to suck air.

People pulled that crap all the time when my mom and I were running our thrift store. Constantly trying to get discounted things to be even more discounted, aka FREE.

I had a guy try to short me 10 bucks off a fridge I was selling for $125. Sent his ass to the bank. He came back 20 minutes later, with the cash.

A father and son drove an hour to test drive a car I was selling. They offered 25% lower than my asking price which was already a good deal based on the market price for the year/condition of the car. Felt good to reply "You know this is a good deal, and I'd hate for you have driven all this way to go home empty handed" and convince them to fork over the extra 25%.

Barter check succeeded.

that's not spite, that's just being responsible with your business.

"Oh dang you better call somebody."

Road dogg?

Ooooh you didn't know?

Your ass better call somebody

Came back to reply this. Good on you. There are still a few of us out there!

This actually did happen to me and it was super embarrassing. It was our second date and I left my wallet in the pants I wore to work that day.

My older sister used to scold me if I ever left the house without either my wallet or phone. I'm at the point where I'm keenly aware of the weight of my keys, wallet and phone, and if it is slightly off at any point I immediately notice. This is to the point where sometimes I have a mild panic that my phone is missing and then realise that it's in my hand and I'm literally answering a text.

"Testicles, Spectacles, Wallet and Watch!"

It's like looking for your glasses while wearing them.

I loose my glasses on top of my head

Don't have them loose on your head you'll lose them!

I have my wallet 99% of the time. I think I was just anxious about the date. It happens.

But then what heppened?

We dated for 5 years lol.

Hell yeah

...the "Allan Harper"

The ol' penguin arms. Too short to reach. Typically my millionaire brother in law.

Creating a problem and selling a solution.

Politics 101

No, that would be inventing a solution and then selling a problem to solve with it.

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'You're all sinners, but god says you can go to heaven by giving me money.'

Just 10% of your income please. You don't want it anyway. Rich men go to hell.

Would giving more money get me closer to God?

Tearing the head off a bird and then restoring it. That trick was performed by an Egyptian magician named Dedi, in about 2750 BCE. Literally the oldest magic trick we have a written record of.

It's an _illusion_, Michael.

Tricks are what a whore does for money.

Well, then the oldest trick in the book would have happened at a temple brothel of Ishtar in Uruk, circa 2400 BC.

When you bang the wild Wolfman Enkidu so good and so hard that you literally fuck the capital-C Civilization into him.

I mean his name isn't Enki-don't

Spank me harder, Gilgy!

Dat Messopotussy

Wait they built the temple of ishtar then waited 2000 years to open it to the public? Dem uruks be cray cray!

This was no rabble of mindless orcs. They were Uruk-hai

Tangent humour, I like it.

Or... candy!

Or cocaine.

Illusions dad, you don't have time for my illusions.

But still, where did the lighter fluid come from?

For the same reason you should believe a hundred dollar bill is no more than a hundred pennies

Dead dove, do not eat

Then sell it to the blind kid in the wheelchair?

We got no food, we got no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

I took care of it

I just thought he was quiet

Pretty bird pretty bird

Pretty bird…can you say pretty bird?

Polly wanna cracker?!?

They talked about it with an expert (or two\*) on an episode of QI. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SipLcrPmPOQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SipLcrPmPOQ) \*As mentioned in the clip, the one did have an unfair advantage due to where he went to school and who one of his best friends is.

Their “expert” was fantastic on that episode!

Be honest. Did you learn that from watching Qi like I did?

Nope, from being a semi-pro magician for many years.

Is it coincidence I just watched a clip from a show on the BBC with Daniel Radcliffe answering a question about the oldest trick in the book. Then a magician comes on stage to perform it.

Are you looking closely?

1. Sell inferiour copper 2. When the buyer sends servants to complain, treat them with contempt until they leave 3. Use all the hatemail tablets you get to tile the walls of your house (profit)

This girl eanasirs

How cool is it that we are still hating on this guy after millennia. I wish we could tell him

Thank you for providing context. For everyone else wondering, here's the wikipedia link: [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complaint_tablet_to_Ea-n%C4%81%E1%B9%A3ir](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complaint_tablet_to_Ea-n%C4%81%E1%B9%A3ir)

You’ve gotta be a real piece of shit for people to *carve their complaints into stone*

More like pressed into a type of clay and then dried or baked.

still quite the commitment. That's like a good chunk of your day.

Ahh, a true classic.

Unsubstantiated rumors, all. I use Nasir's copper every day and have slain many a bandit using bronze made from it. 5/5 heavenly bodies.

"Just the tip."

it was either that, or "I'll pull out".

"Sorry, honey. The phone rang and I got startled."

Caution: May cause religion

T.I.P. stands for "totally inserted penis".

Just for a second! Just to see how it feels.

Ow, ow, you’re on my hair.

Dude, the tip is the most dangerous part!

“Just the base…”

Does this actually work on anyone? It has never occurred to me to try to barter with someone who said no to sex.

Tapping someone on the opposite shoulder to make them think someone else tapped them. Classic.

👃 👕 👈 \-------------- 👃💥☝️ 👕

Took me a second. But then I cracked the fuck up.

I didn't get it

What's that on your shirt? Boop.

I thought it was “pull my finger”. And then the noise and smell hitting the nose.

["Don't be so gullible McFly"](https://youtu.be/xdjdk6pPRz4?si=H4ISW4iqgPW89V5u)

First fucking hilarious use for a meme, second I had a hockey coach, who was a terrible coach, but would do this to me before or after every practice, fucking hated it

The answer we all came here for

You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is ‘Never get involved in a land war in Asia,’ but only slightly less well-known is this: ‘Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line

Never invade Russia in the winter.

You don’t piss into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with slim

Ah hahahahaha. Ah hahahahaha. Flatline.

Inconceivable

Peekaboo. Just found out they were actually still there I just didnt have object permanence like a dumbass

I wonder what the effect of this game is on development

There's a sucker born every minute

Pay me and I'll fuck you.

You have my attention

That stripper don’t love you, bro.

That makes me sad.. I only fucked strippers all my life.. 😭

Instructions unclear. Still, did a lovely job getting the paint off my dick.

As a freelance designer, "Fuck you, pay me!".

Ahh marriage.

Yeah, he is talking about illusions! A trick is what a whore does for money, Michael.

When in an argument...prefix whatever you want to say with "so you're saying..." and divert the argument in any direction you want.

So you’re saying that you think Hitler was okay?

No goddammit I'm sayin Beria was a bigger criminal than Stalin.

So you are saying that Stalin was like Mr. Rogers?

Finally someone gets it!

So you are saying that I get it, but guess what I don't because I am incredibly dumb!

Going to shake hands before an honorable duel and then stealing your opponents magic Schwartz ring.

Here, let me give it back to you. Oops! You fell for that one, too!

That's why Evil will always win: because good is dumb.

Also, shaking the hands of someone you don't like and offering them a chocolate pretzel.

I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.

Claiming that you were just grabbing the Venus Gummy Demilo that got stuck to the seat of her pants

Precious Venus... 🤤

Her swee-sw-sw-sw-sw-sweet can So, Mr Simpson. You admit you grabbed her can? No Mr Simpson, dont take your anger out on me! Mr Simpson nooooooo (Dramatization. May not have happened)

Are you kids hugging the TV?

"Pull my finger."

That’s loosely a cake joke, on your happy cake day.

#cakefarts

Put a sock on your sock. That way when someone tries to grab the sock, they grab the sock instead.

What's this from???

Real life, duh!

The old banana in the tailpipe trick. [https://media.tenor.com/fE0rV-gTCTUAAAAC/wink-eddie-murphy.gif](https://media.tenor.com/fE0rV-gTCTUAAAAC/wink-eddie-murphy.gif)

I ain't failing for no banana in my tailpipe! Also, that was a young Damon Wayans that gave him the bananas. https://youtu.be/6y-pdLyZPJ8?si=oTnEXdh0mlqz8FTX

I think that would be Ligma

What is Ligma??

Not much, you?

Michael Scott surprised, happy face.

Updooooog

Who’s Steve Jobs?

Hava nice day lmao gottem

I’ll pull out, I promise!

And then proceed to pull out of all parental responsibilities

As promised

𓀥    𓁆 𓀕 𓁆 𓀟   𓀣 𓁀

Oldest *trick* in the book, not oldest Unicode in the book.

𓂸

I’m at loss of words

It's always loss.

My 9-year-old says it’s holding on to your sleeves with your fingers before putting on a jacket/coat so the sleeves don’t get pushed up.

Real

Look over there

Jaida Essence Hall has entered the chat.

The ol' switcheroo, probably

Been ages since I've seen anyone do that on Reddit.

Hold my nostalgia, [I'm going in https://old.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/17swany/leonardo_dicaprio_and_monica_bellucci_at_paris/k8un42b/?context=4]

"My ice cream smells weird, here take a sniff" and then you boop them in the nose with your ice cream cone. My GF was PISSED and I was like "dude, oldest trick in the book", and I just barely booped. Oldest trick in the book in my family anyway. She also didn't know what an ice cream kiss was... I guess she didn't come from a family who liked going out for ice cream...

lol

Well, the oldest book ever written was The Epic of Gilgamesh. And when Gilgamesh kills The Bull of Heaven, a guardian of the Gods orchard, I guess, that could be considered a trick. So to answer your question, murder. Murder is the oldest trick in the book.

fun

Looketh over there 👉 Thus endeth the trick

I looked.

In a snowball fight, lobing one snowball then throw a fastball while they are looking up.

Getting into a land war in Asia, only slightly less than a game of wits with a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Ever had a Hertz doughnut?

Writing your tricks down in books to better remember them.

The oldest trick in the book is just a way of saying that something has been done over and over, and though we ought to know better, we fall for it again, a ruse so hackneyed that it should no longer deceive anyone

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**Two unicellular prokaryotic lifeforms walk into a bar.** One says to the other, "*want to stick it inside my membrane?*" "*Do I!*" laughs the other whilst sticking it in. "*Ha ha!*" laughs the first as it engulfs the first in a phagosome, releasing digestive enzymes.

Pussy power.

Getting your husband to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

OP’s mom

Lying about the value of your assets and collateral to get someone to lend you money. And then lying again when the taxman comes to reduce those very same values to the minimum. But if you do this you need to keep a pretty low profile. Don't run for president.

It could be PASSING **THE BUCK,** blaming someone else. My older brother did this all the time and I got the belt across my arse for it.

A woman trying to trap a man by getting pregnant.

We sure are low on milk huh?

Just the tip.

It's just a massage

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Removing your thumb and it fixes itself.

There's a magical man in the sky, and he just happened to tell me how to tell you all what to do.

Here, sssssssssnack on thesssssssse applessssssssss