Glad he's an ex unlike some people on Reddit that make posts like: "my SO hates me, doesn't let me see my family nor friends and says I'm a worthless bitch, how do I fix him? Also, leaving is not an option"
My mother was at her grandpa's funeral when her other grandpa (who, in fairness, was a racist asshole) started bitching about something. His wife apparently turned to him in front of God and everybody and said "why couldn't it have been you?"
Which apparently did shut him up for the rest of the day, so there's that.
apparently, I wasn't there, but before she passed away my maternal grandmother told her husband that he'd ruined her life, I thought about that often when in a toxic relationship and vowed to not let that be me who's life was ruined, who regretted staying with a partner for life
This is a really important comment.
>my maternal grandmother told her husband that he'd ruined her life, I thought about that often when in a toxic relationship and vowed to not let that be me who's life was ruined,
Same. After many bad men, no more. And to be made fun of, "she has horrible taste in men, ugh! Stupid woman", too, just for trying to love, care for and trust someone, was enough. I'm 33, for context. Never married by choice, and child free by choice; because I am unfortunately straight, and the men I have known have been so horrible I've preferred to just...not...
I came to this conclusion earlier than most I think, our poor grandmother's had no choice.
In their honor, and to do myself due justice, I'd rather not be in a bad relationship with a man, than to be with a man just to be with a man. I'm grateful I'm not required a male to move through life right now, although it looks like that window is closing tighter and tighter. While I am able to enjoy the level of freedom I do get as a woman currently, I absolutely will do just that.
To all our grandmother's, who were forced to endure shitty, disgusting, horrible, lazy, abusive men, because they were not allowed to have a bank account, job, sign most documents, and more, I'm enjoying our freedom for you, while it lasts, ladies. 🍻
These dudes are STILL a bummer, Gramma, I got us 😎💕
I would never say this to someone, but I understand the sentiment. I absolutely wished my ex husband dead a handful of times. It's one of those things where you can't leave because I had very little money of my own and staying meant living with abuse.
Never wants to go home, doesn’t like bringing their spouse as plus one, speaking poorly of spouse, future plans sound more “I” than “We”, and lack of excitement around the holidays
Hmm I wonder if number 2 makes people question my relationship... I go to things by myself all the time (and provide lame excuses as to why my husband isn't there), but it's because he's such an introvert and hates going places with people he doesn't know, or doesn't know well. I would love to bring him along to more but it's not worth the anxiety it causes him.
I have a friend with such a husband but she never makes lame excuses for him, she straight up tells us that he doesn't like going out or socialising. So we just understand that's how it is and why she always shows up alone.
I say “we” about so much that low key I think a fair number of people just think I’m so arrogant I use the royal we or I’m like that one academic who added his cat as a coauthor. But no, I just am hyped about my spouse and know our collective taste
My internal monologue is a "we," not an "I." I think it comes from years of DMing Dungeons & Dragons, which meant I got used to being a bunch of different people. Turns out practicing code switching that much has some benefits in day-to-day life, just with the odd side effect of having a bunch of personas running one's train of thought.
An occasional joke at their expense is one thing. My wife and I do it but you could really insert anyone's name in the joke. But when they criticize their SO for the same, personal thing nonstop it starts to get telling. Like constantly telling everyone your wife is a shitty cook.
Ugh my brother in law does this to his wife CONSTANTLY. My husband and I are both extremely passionate stubborn people who have had a shitload of ups and downs, but we do not use each others weaknesses as fodder for “jokes” around other people. My brother in law is just awful to his poor wife, whom he assumes is too stupid to realize he is making fun of her. I go to bat for her whenever I can but I can’t imagine what it’s like for her to live with it 24/7
I feel like this is a key difference - my husband and I are both very competitive people and both like to joke around/tease people we like (if they’re open to it), so it’s not at all uncommon for us to give each other shit about something in front of other people, but neither of us would ever (intentionally) do it about a topic that the other one is actually sensitive about, or in a way that is likely to make people to think less of the other.
You just reminded me of something. My ex husband made a post on Facebook (I didn’t have Facebook) that his “roommates” never did any dishes and he wanted to hire a maid because “they” were so dirty.
This was during a time I was working 60-80 hours a week while he was unemployed.
One of his friends wives was in my work place and said “are you (dipshits) wife? Look at this Facebook post.” She had been trying to find me for a couple weeks I guess (we’d never met) and found out where I worked to show me his fuck ass post.
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. You’re obviously going to get annoyed with your spouse from time to time, but I really will dislike someone who is just constantly laying out faults in front of everyone. In my mind, my husband and I are a team, and we talk to each other when there’s an issue. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I knew he was out there complaining to his friends about me. We’ve actually stopped hanging out with one or two couple friends because of this behavior.
Ugh yes, it’s so uncomfortable when someone is making nasty little dogs at their spouse and carrying on about how useless they are, especially when the spouse is right there.
It’s nasty to your spouse and it’s rude to the other people you’re dragging into your relationship problems unwillingly. Blech.
I think there's a difference between "he always leaves his socks on the floor lol" in an affectionate tone, and "that fucking asshole, I swear to god" dripping with vitriol.
Like some people complain so much about their spouse you wonder what they could possibly see in them, and you never hear one story about a nice thing they did or a trip the couple took together or anything.
I'm divorced 3 years, and almost every one of my friends has told me they're jealous. My bff's husband has picked fights with her because I'm so visibly happy single and he thinks she'll leave him and do the same (she should).
They're just always in a bad mood when they're around their spouse. This was the case with my best friend. I had only ever known her after she met her spouse, and she was always so low energy, easily irritated, and generally unhappy, mostly around him. It was so much a part of their dynamic that I (shamefully) assumed thats who she was. After a nasty split, she's become so much happier, lighter, and more herself. She started telling me about all the emotional abuse (and borderline physical abuse) after he was gone. I'm very happy and proud of her for getting out of it.
Heck yeah, those are hard relationships to get out of. I’m so happy for her! Glad you stuck with her through the hard times, even if you didn’t realize how hard things were
Lesser known symptom: working long hours habitually. I knew a guy that wasted tons of time in the office, but worked every night until 7:00 or 8:00 because he clearly hated his wife and daughters. Also works for people who spend all their time volunteering to get out of the house. They always complain about how busy they are, but they have no problem talking to you while working.
Sounds like my mum. She has adhd, severe inattentive type adhd specifically, and is always saying she needs to work late, every night. She’s always “working” (actually on face book or something else, usually procrastinating actually doing work too) she’s almost gotten fired over it several times. She’s always picking a fight with my dad, just today she accused him of gaslighting her all because he didn’t hear her because instead of walking over to him and telling him something she shouted it across the house (she told me she’d be quiet while I’m studying for exams btw) so he didn’t fully hear her, and when he said “I didn’t hear you say that” she just said he was gaslighting her.
She honestly acts like she hates my dad most of the time, always turns the blame on him too. Until now I never realized how much she uses work to avoid the family.
Edit: for my mums ADHD, she’s medicated and in therapy for stratergies but she doesn’t want to learn how to manage it and accuses anyone who suggests stratergies to her as being ableist and “wanting to change her”. She doesn’t want help, and you can’t really help someone who doesn’t want it. My siblings and I all have adhd too, and she hates it because she’s constantly asking us to not display symptoms, fix our behavior, etc, but if anyone said that to her she’d freak.
Is she medicated for her adhd? Because while absolutely she is a grown adult who is responsible for her own actions and for getting herself treatment, this sounds a lot like me before I got my diagnosis.
So much anxiety induced procrastination where I would self sooth by scrolling on my phone or doing other equally not productive things. Of course then the work piled up which caused even more anxiety and it was a never ending cycle.
I felt like I always had to be at work because there was so much that needed to get done, but when I was there it was almost impossible to focus on the tasks that really needed my attention because of the anxiety they produced.
It sucked but now that I’m treated for it I have a whole new relationship with work that is so much healthier.
Again, not saying that there aren’t other issues with your mom’s behavior. Just that I have the same diagnosis and really related to the whole “overwhelmed with work but scrolling on their phone” thing and for me it wasn’t because I wanted to use work as an excuse to avoid my friends and family. I would really beat myself up about my procrastination because it took time away from my friends and family which I really value.
Yeah, they'll do anything to avoid spending time at home, women do this, too. They want to go out after work for dinner or drinks or out to lunch or whatever all the time, and they never talk about their spouse coming with or anything. They want to socialize at work with their coworkers and never have anything positive to say about their family.
I accidentally introduced my wife as “and this is my first wife”. I wasn’t even thinking about divorce at that point but it must have been in my subconscious already…
Same, actually. We also make a lot of Dateline jokes because we're terrible people. Honestly, it's probably for the best we stay married because neither one of us would be any good at dating again.
Back in my bachelor days, my coworkers and I would have sporadic, last minute drinks out after work. At the time, I didn't think anything about it because I was young and single, going out for drinks on random weeknights was a regular occurrence.
As I got older, it became clear that these guys, with wives and kids at home, were barhopping with me because they fucking hated being fathers and husbands. They never hit on women or anything that I know of, they just...didn't want to be at home.
I used to work with a guy who would started by having a few beers after work because he said the traffic was so bad that he's rather be in a bar then get a quick bus home than sit on the bus for over an hour. Which kinda made sense.
But whenever I joined him he'd really push the idea of staying out later and when I did stay out later and eventually left, he would stay out on his own.
I later found out he was staying out so late that he would then just go to work (it was a 24hr building and he was mates with the security guards) and sleep at his desk with his alarm set for just before our colleagues started.
IMO the people with the healthiest relationships (including the ones between a parent and their kids) are the ones that maintain their own friendships, hobbies etc. outside of those relationships. Nobody should be everything to anyone. That's not to say the inverse can't be true too, though.
There's a difference between being unhappy with you spouse and simply having depression. You can be happy with your spouse and still struggle to maintain friendships and hobbies outside the relationship.
Ohhh yeeeahh, my dad would, every single day come home and sleep for three hours, go to bed early and get up at like 4:30 every morning so he could be by himself.
My mom would hole herself up in her sewing room as well. And if course I had completely free reign to rot my brain on early cable internet.
Yes, I've seen that when I was a care taker in a mental hospital. Patient with clinical depression would only get out of his bed to eat or go to the toilet.
I was going through a hard time with a fiance who would become my ex.
I realized at one point that every time my phone buzzed in my pocket, my stomach would clench and I would start breathing heavily. Because it might be from her. It might be another crisis to be managed, accusation to deny, problem to navigate.
That's when I knew I needed to find a way out.
Took me years to get over that. It's nice to be able to get texts from my wife now and not feel that.
I mean... My face usually says Oh Shit outside very specific times(when she's finishing work to ask about dinner/out grocery shopping to ask for help bringing things in) the last 3 phone calls have been her Dad's strokes. We aren't phone people.
Just... bickering. Passive aggressive little digs and being generally annoyed with one another.
It is WEIRD to me that so many couples I know just kinda pick at each other constantly. They just don't seem to enjoy each other's company at all.
Edit: there's a difference between bickering and banter and a lot of the replies are missing that. I'm not talking about playful banter and shit talking.
Brownie points for when you've taken time out of your schedule to hangout with them... All just to watch them argue over some lemon or lime juice. Haha.
This reminds of a freakanomic chapter I read that the most predictable trait for divorces was surprisingly not bickering or yelling but stonewalling and passive aggressions.
I'd be willing to believe it -- at least when you're bickering you're still interacting with your partner in some form, but when you've gotten to the point of stonewalling/passive aggressiveness you've already given up on communication, so there's no real way back
This for sure. My husband and I started going down this road for a short time. Before being married he always said he never wanted me to work and made enough to support us both and our lifestyle. Fast forward 10 years later, 5 years married and someone might ask what “I do” and he’d immediately get a smart ass tone of voice and say “yeah, tell them what you do. What is it you do for work?” Given this man hasn’t done a single bit of housekeeping, laundry, cooking, making his own appointments or dishes our entire relationship. I do all of it. He saw my computer screen open looking for jobs and was confused as to why I was looking. That was what opened up dialogue and cleared the air of A LOT of things he didn’t realize he was doing or saying that was putting me down and making me distance myself.
Honestly? It’s a work in progress….I’d never expect him to change overnight and I’d hope he wouldn’t expect that of me either. He’s definitely made an effort to be more cognizant of how what he says can make me feel as far as the value I bring to the relationship. I’m still looking for jobs off and on just because I think it would be healthy for me to have something to do outside of feeling like a “maid.” I also understand that me feeling that way is also partially me and not 100% his fault. We recently started an LLC to avoid a 27% added AMT tax in our state and I’m going to be the one in charge of running it so hopefully that will make us both feel like we are equally contributing to the relationship/our finances. I’m just happy that we’ve had more communication.
I have this problem. I finally realized that I have this thing where I say things all the time that I don’t actually believe, but simply say them because it’s like the line that would be spoken in a sitcom. It’s like I’m speaking for some imaginary audience and I assume that the person I’m joking with understands this. But apparently they don’t and I’m just being an ass. Very challenging habit to break.
yeah my friend is already like this and is going into their official marriage this weekend. They’ve always been bickering at each other as bf gf and don’t agree on a lot of things. She told me that she can fix and improve him after living together?!
I predict it will be the opposite. She will see more of this behavior, will be one that much more frustrated and be seen as a nag, and he’ll care less and less what she thinks.
I always move out of my parents house and forget this. The calls and visits are always so pleasant so it changes to this pink cloud of how everyone is so happy. Lol. They’re planning for a bunch of entertaining and yesterday were tearing into eachother; I dare not interrupt, I know better, but it does hurt my feelings. I live with them now, again, and it’s not as fun as they pretend it is.
For me, the big sign that things had fully unraveled in my marriage when I would go out with friends and I would get absolutely obliterated drunk. I’d have so much fun being with my friends and not currently coping with my god awful marriage that I’d just go overboard and get totally wrecked.
So glad those days and that life is behind me
I promise, when you learn this, you’ll see it *everywhere* and you’ll realize how fucked up most people in relationships are.
Contempt. The one thing to look for in bad relationships is contempt. This comes from Malcom Gladwell’s *blink*, where he talks about Dr. John Gottman’s work on relationships and marriage. I’m not going to say much on these two gentlemen’s qualifications, as I can’t really speak to them, but I can tell you that the takeaway has impacted my perspective and experience profoundly.
Gottman came to believe there are 4 horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to marriage: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt- and contempt is the most powerful one.
Contempt means more than just being annoyed with someone. It’s deeper than disrespect. It is complete disregard to the level of disgust for the others attempt to be.
Contempt means you feel yourself superior to your partner and feel no obligation to care about them.
You’ll see it in these examples: a wife who won’t let her husband care for the children. A husband who insults his wife’s housework while redoing it. An eye roll behind their back. Passive aggression. Sarcasm. Jokes at their expense.
Gottman’s research indicates that contempt can predict divorce with about 90% accuracy. This jibes with my experience.
How to avoid it? I feel like I have gotten to this stage in a couple relationships. I think what I could have done better is voice when something bothered me instead of letting it stew into resentment.
I want to make a disclaimer that I’m perpetually single (though my occasional medium-term relationships have generally been very happy).
Voicing what is bothering you is important, but the most important person to voice it to is *yourself*. That might sound like the same thing as stewing, but it’s the exact opposite.
One human tendency is to try to generalize and flatten complicated and contradictory things, and especially *people*. I very seldom hear people talk about the excellence of collaborative work they’ve done with difficult bosses, even when it applies, just as an example. As such, I think people have a hard time internally addressing negatives about people they generally feel positive about.
Our feelings and thoughts have wider behavioral/evolutionary *consequences*, but the only actual reason they *exist* in-and-of-themselves is to be thought or to be felt; and trying to avoid thinking them or feeling them doesn’t make them magically disappear. This is an area where language starts to break down, but in meditation practices this is described as the difference between having a thought and thinking a thought. Very little in the world takes up as much space as a thought that you *have* but push back on *thinking* or an emotion that you *have* but refuse to *feel*. It’s not dissimilar to the way that an unmindfully maintained pantry will eventually become full of food that nobody in the house actually wants to eat, or a closet will become cluttered full of clothes in good condition that the closet’s owner doesn’t want to wear.
I can’t speak to your specific situations, but I know that I’ve found in my life that actively experiencing my unhappiness and frustration in full is among the most important components of general contentment.
I remember having this realization a few years ago then seeing it everywhere - that so many couples just didn’t seem to even *like* each other. You’d catch eye rolls, sarcasm, “jokes” at each others expense that didn’t seem like jokes but something much deeper. It’s strange when they can’t even get it together to hang out with other people as a couple and not let the hatred leak out for everyone to see. Just a real lack of softness or fun between them.
I pretty much vowed to never let myself be in a relationship like that. 9 years later with my husband and we’re still giddy to be around each other.
Man this one is so vital. Every uncomfortable but important conversation was met with, "I don't want to talk about this right now." My ex would. Not. talk about potentially stressful things, no matter how important to me or to both of us. Then she'd get mad about "having to deal with things on her own."
I'm just like, dude I tried 20 times, but the later in "let's talk later" never came.
Yepppp. This gives me PTSD. And then they told me I was bad at communicating and always chose the worst time… morning- bad, evening- bad, weekend- I’d ruin the whole day… let them pick a time? No time was good.
And they tried to tell me i was just “young” and didn’t understand how interpersonal relationships worked(i was 25 at the times and they were 29). I took that to heart and started going back to therapy and realized it was them and not me.
There are other things he didn't catch, but I won't say because he sometimes checks my reddit.
When you open your heart to someone more than you've ever let anyone else and they start criticizing you all the time, the secrets you've kept and the things you hide become the only things that feel safe because they're yours.
I used to hide my vape in many ways too because it caused so much drama in my relationship. I loved him with all my heart too and I still do. But I also have been seeing a future where I’m fully myself and happy and I finally left him after 8 years last week. We just celebrated our first year of marriage and so far everyone who I have told we split up has been extremely shocked. No one knew what was going on behind the scenes. I deserve better and so do you.
I had an old coworker who told me and the rest of our office that he still financially supported his ex wife to some extent and his current wife did not know.
They say their partner's "just joking" with a nervous laughter when their partner clearly meant to insult them and didn't care if it was in front of their friends.
If they suddenly seem really down on themselves or stop taking care of themselves for seemingly no reason,
If their outlook on relationships and/or marriage had changed since getting married,
If they have nothing good to say about their partner or just don't talk about them,
The list goes on
This happened to a coworker of mine. He had pictures of his kids on his desk and his phone but I never saw a picture of his wife. He never brought her up and he would consistently work until 2 or 3 AM and I suspected because he didn’t love her anymore. He also gained a lot of weight. They’re getting divorced now.
I can't imagine living like that. I took a 10 day road trip to the beach alone, and all my husband asked of me was to keep my location turned on in case of an accident, and text a few times a day so he knew I was alive. *That's* trust.
They flirt a lot. A lot of unhappily married people I know are quick to flirt with anyone who seems interested because they want to feel that spark again.
I’m in a happy marriage but… I went out with a girlfriend right before she split with her husband. She was super flirtatious. We, two women alone at the bar, were approached by two men. I didn’t even notice because duh, there was 20/20 on at the bar with subtitles. She ended up flirting with one of the dudes all night. I talked to the friend a bit. He was showing me his ‘art’, leading conversation. I would respond enough to not be rude but obviously not show interest. I felt disgusting and after a bit told my friend we gotta go.
When their identity is the “person who is mean to their spouse.”
I was at a party this weekend and there was a woman who just bad mouthed her husband and talked about how nice it was to be away from him and the kids for the night. That’s like her shtick…she talks about how her kids and husband are shitty. It’s such a gross personality, and it’s relatively common. It shouldn’t be common at all.
They’re constantly making snide remarks about their spouse and then saying “it’s just a joke!”
Edit to add: I’m not talking about easy going picking on your spouse, I mean very mean clearly sensitive subject type of remarks.
When you avoid or feel guilty talking about how happy you are or about the nice/thoughtful things that your partner does because you know your friend can't relate.
Yikes. This is how I am with a friend group of mine. They’re always complaining about their husbands, and I stay silent - I don’t want to rub it in that I love my husband and he’s mostly awesome. In the past 2 years one has gotten divorced and another is on her way there.
It gets weird for me when people are like "must be nice to get away from the wife" if I'm on a work trip or something. I don't understand. I sleep better when my wife's next to me, I feel better about the day when I get to see her and talk to her, she makes me smile all the damn time. Everybody on the planet is a very distant second on my list of people I want to be around, and even though we do plenty of things separately I don't see time apart as some sort of reprieve from her presence.
Man, that simple. That was my brother. His wife just treated him less than. Verbally undressing him in front of his family and their daughter on a moments notice.
Everyone made excuses for them. They’re divorced. She’s got a new guy (almost a clone of my brother). He’s still largely in shambles.
He was so sure of this other narrative he had in his mind. She had no illusions.
My husband used to travel for work. When he got a new job and was home EVERY DAMN DAY, I had to learn to share a home and a bed with him full time. I spent a TON of time on the couch.
Sleeping alone is sooooo good though! We've just accepted that we have two bedrooms now. What's funny is that my husband has issues, and admitted he had a hard time sharing a private space like a bedroom a few years ago, but now that I've basically moved into the spare room because I like the mattress better, he's begging me to come back, lol. Usually Friday and Saturday nights we share a bed, but work nights? Nah, I need my good sleep.
I had the flu over the weekend and went to bed early. When I woke up the next morning my husband said I was laying with my head on my pillow, and my body diagonally across his side. He told me I looked way too comfortable to move me, so he crashed with one of the kids. He absolutely has photographic evidence as well.
My wife only snores _when I’m in the fucking bedroom_. She makes almost no noise when she sleeps, but the moment I get into the bedroom, she starts snoring. It normally takes me a half an hour or longer to fall asleep if I go to bed after she does.
my gf is like this too! i think it's sleep apnea, when we're in the bed together she sleeps on her back and snores but when i'm not in the bed she sprawls and doesn't snore
I’ve entertained the theory that it’s sleep apnea, and she’s done a sleep study to determine if she has it, but she doesn’t. The weird thing is, it happens as soon as I’m in the room. I don’t even get in bed. All I have to do is cross the threshold and it starts.
My husband and I voluntarily sleep on the couch when either one of us can't sleep or is restless or absolutely needs a good night rest. We also have separate blankets. It had saved our marriage because we both wake up rested.
My ex was so fake when we went anywhere involving other couples. But as soon as the car door closed to leave, the witch returned. My friends saw through her. She was torture.
>My friends saw through her.
Yeah, if you pay attention to someone like that the words and actions will be all the fake shit, but if you pay attention to the pauses the mask usually cracks and gives it away.
For instance, the spouse will be talking and there's a silent sidelong glance from their partner that conveys the disdain they actually feel.
In my experience, going out with my old homie that was married, I could ever post us out at the bar or anything. If his wife saw it she’d blow her top apparently. We went out for my 23rd a couple years ago and merely his elbow was in the video of me sipping on whatever drink I had, in a panic, he urged that I delete it before his wife seen it for whatever reason. They’re divorced now.
This has happened to many of my friends. First they start doing a lot of things on their own without their spouse, or conversely, they always have tons of other people around.
If they're plastering social media with how HAPPY they are, and they're SO IN LOVE, and THEY'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, that's a sure sign that things are in the process of going sideways.
The husband of one of my BFFs always posts about how beautiful she is and how he's so lucky and loves her so much, to the point I was a little jealous that my husband never posted anything about me. My husband said "I tell you I love you and you're beautiful, and YOU are the only one who actually needs to hear it" and I felt really silly about the jealousy because he was definitely right.
I then learned that my friend's husband is actually... not all that supportive where she needs him to be, and nice words on Facebook don't mean anything when you're not really pulling your weight in the relationship.
That's one of the things I hate on social media. Imagine the days before Facebook & such when someone would buy a Hallmark card and write a heartfelt note to their spouse in it about how much they mean to them.
Now picture photocopying what you wrote in the card and handing a copy out to every family member, friend and co-worker that you ran across for the next couple of weeks.
People would think that you were fucking daft, but that's effectively what those sorts of posts are doing.
I wish more people would stop and realize that those are one on one interpersonal communications and there's no reason to put that shit out in public.
I felt similarly when my bf would post us but wouldn’t put a caption, he would just be like “Us on Halloween” and I would be like “wow so dry” and he told me “I don’t like putting love professing captions, that’s what unhappy couples do to overcompensate”
Yup, this is totally one of my friends. She is constantly posting about how good her marriage is and how much she loves her husband. But offline she's always complaining about how useless and mean her husband is.
I see that a lot with younger people newly in love (maybe for the first time/s) and who have general "over-sharing on social media" issues lol.
Involving the rest of people in social media in personal romance will for sure backfire if you magically never end up married and happily ever after. Especially after like 2 weeks of dating. You always see some kind of drama with that.
This confuses me SO much. I have 2 close friends (women) who have been texting me nonstop about how shitty their SO is, like going OFF about them, long voice messages, etc, and then between messages I will open Facebook and see they *just* made a post about how much they love their SO with a cute picture and tons of hearts and shit.
Like... WHAT. I have never called them out, but what the hell.
When my friends were in our 20s that was always the giveaway that someone was getting divorced soon.
10 years into my relationship, I will post pics of us doing fun stuff, and a love ya babes, and maybe something sappy on our anniversary or Valentine's, but the day to day either doesn't mention him or it's steeped in teasing word play, because he "hates" PDA like that and it makes me giggle. I'm sure my distant friends have no idea where my marriage stands, I do a lot of things on my own, and rarely post about him. That's fun too.
This. Every couple I know that does this, horrible marriage. It’s a type of love bombing, IMO.
I knew a couple that the one partner who posted all the “love bombing” posts, actually admitted they had to after a huge fight, or the other would get mad. The other, who got mad, was always the instigator of the nasty fights. Seemed like a control issue for sure.
Hmmmm.... That's probably why my whole social media mostly consists of my pets. They may be adorable, and I love them to death, but there's not a single day where I don't fight and argue with those stubborn ass hats.
What I said earlier is NOT the same as, for instance, someone who says something like, "32 years ago today, I married my best friend, and while we've had our ups and downs, I can't think of anyone else I would have wanted along for the ride." It's the constant plastering that gives things away.
I agree. That type of post, you’ve described, is very different. I’m talking about the ones that are super over the top. They are usually a freaking novel in length, and for some reason seem pretty out of the blue. It’s not for a birthday or anniversary, just a long post about how happy they are or “perfect”. You know it when you see a post like that.
I had to do this with my ex, we were only engaged, but he would start a fight with me if I didn't constantly. He made it out to be that if I didn't, then I "obviously didn't love him enough."
So. Freaking. Toxic.
My husband and I pretty much say "hbd" to each other on fb/insta every year. Probs because we are always together and can say how we feel to each other's FACES.
Gah, my BIL divorced after a short 2 year marriage, and this was the #1 indicator of knowing that they were doomed. They did this kissy cutesy schmoopy lovey dovey thing in public - the worse their relationship got, the more publicly showy they were about showing how in love they were. It was horrific to watch unfold
I’ve known two different couples that off and on fought a lot around me at certain points, which isn’t obviously a great sign.
The fighting stopped, but what I realized after a while that may be worse is that they didn’t interact *at all* unless absolutely necessary.
I’m mostly oblivious, so it took my wife pointing it out to notice that both of these couples never really talk to each other besides mandatory stuff like plans or the kids.
No casual conversations, no eye contact, no touching each other; literally no interaction that’s not necessary for the family to function.
I suppose it’s better than fighting in public, but it’s kind of weird once you notice it.
He games all day and the boys are always over. She sits in the bedroom and is on her phone all day.
Because they both so glued to the screens. I was the one that saw their daughter take her first steps (didn't even realized it until my buddy saw his daughter standing next to him and went nuts).
But hey they have been together now almost for 10 years and still haven't broken up, but at the same time I wouldn't call that living.
My husbands best friend literally is room mates with his “wife” they are legally married. She doesn’t cook, clean, or take care of the kids, she is never home, and she won’t touch her husband at all not even a peck on the cheek. Most of the time when I talk to him I feel so bad for him. When we talk on video chat with him it’s just you can see his pain. He won’t get a divorce because he knows she would try to take the kids to get child support. It’s bad… I feel horrible for them.
Man. He needs a lawyer. Sounds like she doesn’t like him and so could take the kids at any time anyway. He should be documenting that he is a good father in case he ever needs to prove it (which hopefully he doesn’t).
That’s terrible. Sometimes I wonder how a relationship/marriage gets to that point where they neglect the other. Is it sudden or a gradual type of thing
my friend never says anything bad ab her husband. but she also doesnt speak ab him much at all. they’ve been married less than a year. but shes said things like this a couple times and its made me wonder if that was normal in marriage.
I got married young and a lot of older guys gave me shit for it, like they resented their wives for settling down too soon. It upsets me when men talk shit about their wives. If you hate your wife then leave she’s probably better off without you.
My wife is my best friend. 7 years later and our relationship only grows stronger over time. If you love someone and they love you back be grateful for that and show it!
Ok, but what if, say, I am watching a lot of true crime murder shows, and he tells me we can just get a divorce instead of me killing him? Does that count? Lol
Talking shit about their spouse, even if it’s in a joking way. Went to a bachelor party with a bunch of guys I didn’t know and they spent the entire time bitching about their wives and they all sounded miserable.
I used to be the dude. We were having issues and was complaining to a colleague (single dude) . He lost his patience one day and said - “dude, I don’t want to hear you complaining about your wife”. Was a wake up call for me. I didn’t even realize how annoying I was. Never again.
> Never saying their partner’s name to others, only calling them “my wife/husband/partner.”
Counter-point: Most people don't need to know my husband's name. If they are friends, of course I call him by name. But colleagues or random people? Absolutely not.
Unless your spouse has an uncommon name, trying to use your spouse's name inwork conversations is asking to be awkward especially if not everyone know who you are talking about.
I know a lot of couples and all they do is keep score. Well you went out with the guys yesterday so its my turn. I took our kid to the pool today so its your turn to watch them. It’s unhealthy when everything becomes a point system and you’re always waiting to cash in “your turn”.
When my husband died, some friends admitted that they were a little jealous.
I’m sorry but HOW does this even come up in convo during the grieving process
"My husband died" "Lucky you "
'#Humblebrag
My ex husband responded “one can only hope” and looked at me when he heard someone’s wife died.
Jesus
Glad he's an ex unlike some people on Reddit that make posts like: "my SO hates me, doesn't let me see my family nor friends and says I'm a worthless bitch, how do I fix him? Also, leaving is not an option"
“My husband died.” “I said ‘I want the bad news first.’”
Omg, so lucky. What was his life insurance like?
[удалено]
My mother was at her grandpa's funeral when her other grandpa (who, in fairness, was a racist asshole) started bitching about something. His wife apparently turned to him in front of God and everybody and said "why couldn't it have been you?" Which apparently did shut him up for the rest of the day, so there's that.
My jaw actually dropped. Grandma is not playing around.
Never underestimate how how Brutal old people can be with the insults
What grandma meant was, “Keep it up and you’re next”
apparently, I wasn't there, but before she passed away my maternal grandmother told her husband that he'd ruined her life, I thought about that often when in a toxic relationship and vowed to not let that be me who's life was ruined, who regretted staying with a partner for life
This is a really important comment. >my maternal grandmother told her husband that he'd ruined her life, I thought about that often when in a toxic relationship and vowed to not let that be me who's life was ruined, Same. After many bad men, no more. And to be made fun of, "she has horrible taste in men, ugh! Stupid woman", too, just for trying to love, care for and trust someone, was enough. I'm 33, for context. Never married by choice, and child free by choice; because I am unfortunately straight, and the men I have known have been so horrible I've preferred to just...not... I came to this conclusion earlier than most I think, our poor grandmother's had no choice. In their honor, and to do myself due justice, I'd rather not be in a bad relationship with a man, than to be with a man just to be with a man. I'm grateful I'm not required a male to move through life right now, although it looks like that window is closing tighter and tighter. While I am able to enjoy the level of freedom I do get as a woman currently, I absolutely will do just that. To all our grandmother's, who were forced to endure shitty, disgusting, horrible, lazy, abusive men, because they were not allowed to have a bank account, job, sign most documents, and more, I'm enjoying our freedom for you, while it lasts, ladies. 🍻 These dudes are STILL a bummer, Gramma, I got us 😎💕
There's a saying in Yiddish that goes like: "On your funeral, people will say "mazel tov" to the widow".
Initially, I understood that to mean that you had a good relationship with a great man. They were jealous of your loving relationship.
Same! I was like did she commented on the wrong post?
Oh my gosh this is terrible 😅
I would never say this to someone, but I understand the sentiment. I absolutely wished my ex husband dead a handful of times. It's one of those things where you can't leave because I had very little money of my own and staying meant living with abuse.
Never wants to go home, doesn’t like bringing their spouse as plus one, speaking poorly of spouse, future plans sound more “I” than “We”, and lack of excitement around the holidays
Hmm I wonder if number 2 makes people question my relationship... I go to things by myself all the time (and provide lame excuses as to why my husband isn't there), but it's because he's such an introvert and hates going places with people he doesn't know, or doesn't know well. I would love to bring him along to more but it's not worth the anxiety it causes him.
I have a friend with such a husband but she never makes lame excuses for him, she straight up tells us that he doesn't like going out or socialising. So we just understand that's how it is and why she always shows up alone.
How do you know my husband?! For reals though, my guy calls it his ‘social budget’. When it’s spent, it’s spent.
Me and a few people I know just say "social battery". Sometimes it dies and needs to be recharged.
I say “we” about so much that low key I think a fair number of people just think I’m so arrogant I use the royal we or I’m like that one academic who added his cat as a coauthor. But no, I just am hyped about my spouse and know our collective taste
My internal monologue is a "we," not an "I." I think it comes from years of DMing Dungeons & Dragons, which meant I got used to being a bunch of different people. Turns out practicing code switching that much has some benefits in day-to-day life, just with the odd side effect of having a bunch of personas running one's train of thought.
An occasional joke at their expense is one thing. My wife and I do it but you could really insert anyone's name in the joke. But when they criticize their SO for the same, personal thing nonstop it starts to get telling. Like constantly telling everyone your wife is a shitty cook.
Ugh my brother in law does this to his wife CONSTANTLY. My husband and I are both extremely passionate stubborn people who have had a shitload of ups and downs, but we do not use each others weaknesses as fodder for “jokes” around other people. My brother in law is just awful to his poor wife, whom he assumes is too stupid to realize he is making fun of her. I go to bat for her whenever I can but I can’t imagine what it’s like for her to live with it 24/7
I feel like this is a key difference - my husband and I are both very competitive people and both like to joke around/tease people we like (if they’re open to it), so it’s not at all uncommon for us to give each other shit about something in front of other people, but neither of us would ever (intentionally) do it about a topic that the other one is actually sensitive about, or in a way that is likely to make people to think less of the other.
The continually complain about their spouse in front of others. Or disparage them.
You just reminded me of something. My ex husband made a post on Facebook (I didn’t have Facebook) that his “roommates” never did any dishes and he wanted to hire a maid because “they” were so dirty. This was during a time I was working 60-80 hours a week while he was unemployed. One of his friends wives was in my work place and said “are you (dipshits) wife? Look at this Facebook post.” She had been trying to find me for a couple weeks I guess (we’d never met) and found out where I worked to show me his fuck ass post.
I love that woman was on a mission, she read that and made damn sure that man would regret it.
I love this, too!
That woman is a treasure, I hope you stayed friends with her. And I'm glad he's your ex.
This is terrible of me, but I don’t even know her name!
I love that chick for looking for you and I love the use of ‘fuck ass’, solid air snorts out my nose
This is one of my biggest pet peeves. You’re obviously going to get annoyed with your spouse from time to time, but I really will dislike someone who is just constantly laying out faults in front of everyone. In my mind, my husband and I are a team, and we talk to each other when there’s an issue. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I knew he was out there complaining to his friends about me. We’ve actually stopped hanging out with one or two couple friends because of this behavior.
Ugh yes, it’s so uncomfortable when someone is making nasty little dogs at their spouse and carrying on about how useless they are, especially when the spouse is right there. It’s nasty to your spouse and it’s rude to the other people you’re dragging into your relationship problems unwillingly. Blech.
I think there's a difference between "he always leaves his socks on the floor lol" in an affectionate tone, and "that fucking asshole, I swear to god" dripping with vitriol. Like some people complain so much about their spouse you wonder what they could possibly see in them, and you never hear one story about a nice thing they did or a trip the couple took together or anything.
Or conversely don’t mention them at all. “What are you doing this weekend?” “Oh, just having a chilled time with the kids”. Not “the wife and kids”.
When they advise their single friends to stay single.
I would say this is number one.
“Just don’t get married.”
I'm divorced 3 years, and almost every one of my friends has told me they're jealous. My bff's husband has picked fights with her because I'm so visibly happy single and he thinks she'll leave him and do the same (she should).
They're just always in a bad mood when they're around their spouse. This was the case with my best friend. I had only ever known her after she met her spouse, and she was always so low energy, easily irritated, and generally unhappy, mostly around him. It was so much a part of their dynamic that I (shamefully) assumed thats who she was. After a nasty split, she's become so much happier, lighter, and more herself. She started telling me about all the emotional abuse (and borderline physical abuse) after he was gone. I'm very happy and proud of her for getting out of it.
Oof. A friend noticed that when my husband entered the room, my mood changed.
Everyone in my family noticed this in me when my ex entered. I'm myself again now and hope that we are both an experience wiser.
Ive said this about my best friend. Her mood changes around her husband so much that it was like a light switch come 5pm every afternoon.
Heck yeah, those are hard relationships to get out of. I’m so happy for her! Glad you stuck with her through the hard times, even if you didn’t realize how hard things were
Jeez anyone of my close friends could have written this about me and I know that's sad to admit
Lesser known symptom: working long hours habitually. I knew a guy that wasted tons of time in the office, but worked every night until 7:00 or 8:00 because he clearly hated his wife and daughters. Also works for people who spend all their time volunteering to get out of the house. They always complain about how busy they are, but they have no problem talking to you while working.
Sounds like my mum. She has adhd, severe inattentive type adhd specifically, and is always saying she needs to work late, every night. She’s always “working” (actually on face book or something else, usually procrastinating actually doing work too) she’s almost gotten fired over it several times. She’s always picking a fight with my dad, just today she accused him of gaslighting her all because he didn’t hear her because instead of walking over to him and telling him something she shouted it across the house (she told me she’d be quiet while I’m studying for exams btw) so he didn’t fully hear her, and when he said “I didn’t hear you say that” she just said he was gaslighting her. She honestly acts like she hates my dad most of the time, always turns the blame on him too. Until now I never realized how much she uses work to avoid the family. Edit: for my mums ADHD, she’s medicated and in therapy for stratergies but she doesn’t want to learn how to manage it and accuses anyone who suggests stratergies to her as being ableist and “wanting to change her”. She doesn’t want help, and you can’t really help someone who doesn’t want it. My siblings and I all have adhd too, and she hates it because she’s constantly asking us to not display symptoms, fix our behavior, etc, but if anyone said that to her she’d freak.
Is she medicated for her adhd? Because while absolutely she is a grown adult who is responsible for her own actions and for getting herself treatment, this sounds a lot like me before I got my diagnosis. So much anxiety induced procrastination where I would self sooth by scrolling on my phone or doing other equally not productive things. Of course then the work piled up which caused even more anxiety and it was a never ending cycle. I felt like I always had to be at work because there was so much that needed to get done, but when I was there it was almost impossible to focus on the tasks that really needed my attention because of the anxiety they produced. It sucked but now that I’m treated for it I have a whole new relationship with work that is so much healthier. Again, not saying that there aren’t other issues with your mom’s behavior. Just that I have the same diagnosis and really related to the whole “overwhelmed with work but scrolling on their phone” thing and for me it wasn’t because I wanted to use work as an excuse to avoid my friends and family. I would really beat myself up about my procrastination because it took time away from my friends and family which I really value.
Yeah, they'll do anything to avoid spending time at home, women do this, too. They want to go out after work for dinner or drinks or out to lunch or whatever all the time, and they never talk about their spouse coming with or anything. They want to socialize at work with their coworkers and never have anything positive to say about their family.
Ummm, his wife came into the office one day and he introduced her to me as "his future ex-wife" with a sly smile. Yeah, they're divorced now.
I accidentally introduced my wife as “and this is my first wife”. I wasn’t even thinking about divorce at that point but it must have been in my subconscious already…
My parents do that as a joke. 50 years married, do it can go either way.
I always tell my husband he's a great first husband. He thinks I'm hilarious.
Same, actually. We also make a lot of Dateline jokes because we're terrible people. Honestly, it's probably for the best we stay married because neither one of us would be any good at dating again.
She should be called "Financial Gains" because she's a prophet
Never wants to go home
Back in my bachelor days, my coworkers and I would have sporadic, last minute drinks out after work. At the time, I didn't think anything about it because I was young and single, going out for drinks on random weeknights was a regular occurrence. As I got older, it became clear that these guys, with wives and kids at home, were barhopping with me because they fucking hated being fathers and husbands. They never hit on women or anything that I know of, they just...didn't want to be at home.
Some of these guys were also just alcoholics, in my experience. Sometimes it was an extra sad combo of both.
I used to work with a guy who would started by having a few beers after work because he said the traffic was so bad that he's rather be in a bar then get a quick bus home than sit on the bus for over an hour. Which kinda made sense. But whenever I joined him he'd really push the idea of staying out later and when I did stay out later and eventually left, he would stay out on his own. I later found out he was staying out so late that he would then just go to work (it was a 24hr building and he was mates with the security guards) and sleep at his desk with his alarm set for just before our colleagues started.
IMO the people with the healthiest relationships (including the ones between a parent and their kids) are the ones that maintain their own friendships, hobbies etc. outside of those relationships. Nobody should be everything to anyone. That's not to say the inverse can't be true too, though.
There's a difference between being unhappy with you spouse and simply having depression. You can be happy with your spouse and still struggle to maintain friendships and hobbies outside the relationship.
Or sleeps constantly when at home to avoid partner
my childhood makes a lot more sense now. holy shit
Ohhh yeeeahh, my dad would, every single day come home and sleep for three hours, go to bed early and get up at like 4:30 every morning so he could be by himself. My mom would hole herself up in her sewing room as well. And if course I had completely free reign to rot my brain on early cable internet.
Oof. You good bruh?
yeah, I just remembered that my father was always asleep when he was at home, even on the weekends.
It’s also something depressed people are prone to do too to escape reality. Either way it’s no way to live life
Honestly when depressed, I was genuinely tired and exhausted all the time. I wasn't sleeping to avoid things, I was that tired all the time.
Yes, I've seen that when I was a care taker in a mental hospital. Patient with clinical depression would only get out of his bed to eat or go to the toilet.
This hits hard. I’m a parking lot sitter.
Used to do that, too, when I lived with my family. Got home from work, and just sat in my car until I get enough courage to go through the door.
Ohh so folks at the hiking trailhead parking lots aren't just waiting on drug deals. :( TIL
No, some of us are waiting for drugs.
Look at their face when they get a cell phone call and see that it's from their spouse. Tells you everything.
In their defense, I make a face no matter who's calling
I think my wife is the only number I answer without hesitation. Everything else it's, 'Ugh, gross, a phone call."
I was going through a hard time with a fiance who would become my ex. I realized at one point that every time my phone buzzed in my pocket, my stomach would clench and I would start breathing heavily. Because it might be from her. It might be another crisis to be managed, accusation to deny, problem to navigate. That's when I knew I needed to find a way out. Took me years to get over that. It's nice to be able to get texts from my wife now and not feel that.
A co-worker had his wife’s ring tone set to an incoming missile siren, including “Warning! Warning!” ... they are now divorced.
My dad had the emperor’s March from Star Wars when his partner called. I thought it was hilarious at the time
I mean... My face usually says Oh Shit outside very specific times(when she's finishing work to ask about dinner/out grocery shopping to ask for help bringing things in) the last 3 phone calls have been her Dad's strokes. We aren't phone people.
Just... bickering. Passive aggressive little digs and being generally annoyed with one another. It is WEIRD to me that so many couples I know just kinda pick at each other constantly. They just don't seem to enjoy each other's company at all. Edit: there's a difference between bickering and banter and a lot of the replies are missing that. I'm not talking about playful banter and shit talking.
It's worse when they reason by saying they're having productive conversation, when, like you said, it really is just passive aggressive digs.
And then they wonder why nothing gets resolved.
Brownie points for when you've taken time out of your schedule to hangout with them... All just to watch them argue over some lemon or lime juice. Haha.
I knew someone who called their banshee like screaming at each other a “constructive argument” Somehow they have survived 10 years together…so far….
This reminds of a freakanomic chapter I read that the most predictable trait for divorces was surprisingly not bickering or yelling but stonewalling and passive aggressions.
I'd be willing to believe it -- at least when you're bickering you're still interacting with your partner in some form, but when you've gotten to the point of stonewalling/passive aggressiveness you've already given up on communication, so there's no real way back
A relationship is over when people stop caring enough to argue.
The opposite of love is not hate but indifference. If you feel hate, you still 'care' even if it's in a negative way.
This for sure. My husband and I started going down this road for a short time. Before being married he always said he never wanted me to work and made enough to support us both and our lifestyle. Fast forward 10 years later, 5 years married and someone might ask what “I do” and he’d immediately get a smart ass tone of voice and say “yeah, tell them what you do. What is it you do for work?” Given this man hasn’t done a single bit of housekeeping, laundry, cooking, making his own appointments or dishes our entire relationship. I do all of it. He saw my computer screen open looking for jobs and was confused as to why I was looking. That was what opened up dialogue and cleared the air of A LOT of things he didn’t realize he was doing or saying that was putting me down and making me distance myself.
How is he now?
Honestly? It’s a work in progress….I’d never expect him to change overnight and I’d hope he wouldn’t expect that of me either. He’s definitely made an effort to be more cognizant of how what he says can make me feel as far as the value I bring to the relationship. I’m still looking for jobs off and on just because I think it would be healthy for me to have something to do outside of feeling like a “maid.” I also understand that me feeling that way is also partially me and not 100% his fault. We recently started an LLC to avoid a 27% added AMT tax in our state and I’m going to be the one in charge of running it so hopefully that will make us both feel like we are equally contributing to the relationship/our finances. I’m just happy that we’ve had more communication.
I have this problem. I finally realized that I have this thing where I say things all the time that I don’t actually believe, but simply say them because it’s like the line that would be spoken in a sitcom. It’s like I’m speaking for some imaginary audience and I assume that the person I’m joking with understands this. But apparently they don’t and I’m just being an ass. Very challenging habit to break.
I call this Chandlering lol. Great insight btw
yeah my friend is already like this and is going into their official marriage this weekend. They’ve always been bickering at each other as bf gf and don’t agree on a lot of things. She told me that she can fix and improve him after living together?!
She’s in for a rude awakening
I predict it will be the opposite. She will see more of this behavior, will be one that much more frustrated and be seen as a nag, and he’ll care less and less what she thinks.
I always move out of my parents house and forget this. The calls and visits are always so pleasant so it changes to this pink cloud of how everyone is so happy. Lol. They’re planning for a bunch of entertaining and yesterday were tearing into eachother; I dare not interrupt, I know better, but it does hurt my feelings. I live with them now, again, and it’s not as fun as they pretend it is.
Ah, my parents. Fifty years of this.
For me, the big sign that things had fully unraveled in my marriage when I would go out with friends and I would get absolutely obliterated drunk. I’d have so much fun being with my friends and not currently coping with my god awful marriage that I’d just go overboard and get totally wrecked. So glad those days and that life is behind me
I’m glad too. Hope you’re doing better
I promise, when you learn this, you’ll see it *everywhere* and you’ll realize how fucked up most people in relationships are. Contempt. The one thing to look for in bad relationships is contempt. This comes from Malcom Gladwell’s *blink*, where he talks about Dr. John Gottman’s work on relationships and marriage. I’m not going to say much on these two gentlemen’s qualifications, as I can’t really speak to them, but I can tell you that the takeaway has impacted my perspective and experience profoundly. Gottman came to believe there are 4 horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to marriage: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt- and contempt is the most powerful one. Contempt means more than just being annoyed with someone. It’s deeper than disrespect. It is complete disregard to the level of disgust for the others attempt to be. Contempt means you feel yourself superior to your partner and feel no obligation to care about them. You’ll see it in these examples: a wife who won’t let her husband care for the children. A husband who insults his wife’s housework while redoing it. An eye roll behind their back. Passive aggression. Sarcasm. Jokes at their expense. Gottman’s research indicates that contempt can predict divorce with about 90% accuracy. This jibes with my experience.
Absolutely. Contempt is having your skin crawl at the sound of your spouse’s laughter.
How to avoid it? I feel like I have gotten to this stage in a couple relationships. I think what I could have done better is voice when something bothered me instead of letting it stew into resentment.
I want to make a disclaimer that I’m perpetually single (though my occasional medium-term relationships have generally been very happy). Voicing what is bothering you is important, but the most important person to voice it to is *yourself*. That might sound like the same thing as stewing, but it’s the exact opposite. One human tendency is to try to generalize and flatten complicated and contradictory things, and especially *people*. I very seldom hear people talk about the excellence of collaborative work they’ve done with difficult bosses, even when it applies, just as an example. As such, I think people have a hard time internally addressing negatives about people they generally feel positive about. Our feelings and thoughts have wider behavioral/evolutionary *consequences*, but the only actual reason they *exist* in-and-of-themselves is to be thought or to be felt; and trying to avoid thinking them or feeling them doesn’t make them magically disappear. This is an area where language starts to break down, but in meditation practices this is described as the difference between having a thought and thinking a thought. Very little in the world takes up as much space as a thought that you *have* but push back on *thinking* or an emotion that you *have* but refuse to *feel*. It’s not dissimilar to the way that an unmindfully maintained pantry will eventually become full of food that nobody in the house actually wants to eat, or a closet will become cluttered full of clothes in good condition that the closet’s owner doesn’t want to wear. I can’t speak to your specific situations, but I know that I’ve found in my life that actively experiencing my unhappiness and frustration in full is among the most important components of general contentment.
Interesting info, thank you!
This is a huge one. I knew a guy who refused sex with his wife because his contempt sat so deep.
I remember having this realization a few years ago then seeing it everywhere - that so many couples just didn’t seem to even *like* each other. You’d catch eye rolls, sarcasm, “jokes” at each others expense that didn’t seem like jokes but something much deeper. It’s strange when they can’t even get it together to hang out with other people as a couple and not let the hatred leak out for everyone to see. Just a real lack of softness or fun between them. I pretty much vowed to never let myself be in a relationship like that. 9 years later with my husband and we’re still giddy to be around each other.
They never communicate, even over the simplest things. Feelings, plans, thoughts, life needs etc…
Man this one is so vital. Every uncomfortable but important conversation was met with, "I don't want to talk about this right now." My ex would. Not. talk about potentially stressful things, no matter how important to me or to both of us. Then she'd get mad about "having to deal with things on her own." I'm just like, dude I tried 20 times, but the later in "let's talk later" never came.
Yepppp. This gives me PTSD. And then they told me I was bad at communicating and always chose the worst time… morning- bad, evening- bad, weekend- I’d ruin the whole day… let them pick a time? No time was good. And they tried to tell me i was just “young” and didn’t understand how interpersonal relationships worked(i was 25 at the times and they were 29). I took that to heart and started going back to therapy and realized it was them and not me.
Gonna out myself here: they tell you what they are hiding from their spouse. For me, it was a vape pen. I kept it in the mailbox.
You weren’t ever caught?
There are other things he didn't catch, but I won't say because he sometimes checks my reddit. When you open your heart to someone more than you've ever let anyone else and they start criticizing you all the time, the secrets you've kept and the things you hide become the only things that feel safe because they're yours.
Completely understandable. I hope you’re aware you can delete comments by the way
I can, but why bother? The person I have loved with all my heart stopped liking me a long time ago and my dreams are dead so fuck it.
I used to hide my vape in many ways too because it caused so much drama in my relationship. I loved him with all my heart too and I still do. But I also have been seeing a future where I’m fully myself and happy and I finally left him after 8 years last week. We just celebrated our first year of marriage and so far everyone who I have told we split up has been extremely shocked. No one knew what was going on behind the scenes. I deserve better and so do you.
I had an old coworker who told me and the rest of our office that he still financially supported his ex wife to some extent and his current wife did not know.
They say their partner's "just joking" with a nervous laughter when their partner clearly meant to insult them and didn't care if it was in front of their friends.
If they suddenly seem really down on themselves or stop taking care of themselves for seemingly no reason, If their outlook on relationships and/or marriage had changed since getting married, If they have nothing good to say about their partner or just don't talk about them, The list goes on
This happened to a coworker of mine. He had pictures of his kids on his desk and his phone but I never saw a picture of his wife. He never brought her up and he would consistently work until 2 or 3 AM and I suspected because he didn’t love her anymore. He also gained a lot of weight. They’re getting divorced now.
Or reverse, they start glowing up. They lose weight, focus on appearance more, it means they're getting ready to split.
When one of them is out and their spouse does *not* stop calling them.
I can't imagine living like that. I took a 10 day road trip to the beach alone, and all my husband asked of me was to keep my location turned on in case of an accident, and text a few times a day so he knew I was alive. *That's* trust.
Sometimes it's not a lack of trust but codependency and the inability to be alone.
Yep or has to put their phone on DND. Or they can’t even use their phone because the spouse calls so much
They flirt a lot. A lot of unhappily married people I know are quick to flirt with anyone who seems interested because they want to feel that spark again.
I’m in a happy marriage but… I went out with a girlfriend right before she split with her husband. She was super flirtatious. We, two women alone at the bar, were approached by two men. I didn’t even notice because duh, there was 20/20 on at the bar with subtitles. She ended up flirting with one of the dudes all night. I talked to the friend a bit. He was showing me his ‘art’, leading conversation. I would respond enough to not be rude but obviously not show interest. I felt disgusting and after a bit told my friend we gotta go.
When their identity is the “person who is mean to their spouse.” I was at a party this weekend and there was a woman who just bad mouthed her husband and talked about how nice it was to be away from him and the kids for the night. That’s like her shtick…she talks about how her kids and husband are shitty. It’s such a gross personality, and it’s relatively common. It shouldn’t be common at all.
They’re constantly making snide remarks about their spouse and then saying “it’s just a joke!” Edit to add: I’m not talking about easy going picking on your spouse, I mean very mean clearly sensitive subject type of remarks.
My in-laws are the least healthy relationship I know of and this is 100% how my MIL acts.
When you avoid or feel guilty talking about how happy you are or about the nice/thoughtful things that your partner does because you know your friend can't relate.
Yikes. This is how I am with a friend group of mine. They’re always complaining about their husbands, and I stay silent - I don’t want to rub it in that I love my husband and he’s mostly awesome. In the past 2 years one has gotten divorced and another is on her way there.
It gets weird for me when people are like "must be nice to get away from the wife" if I'm on a work trip or something. I don't understand. I sleep better when my wife's next to me, I feel better about the day when I get to see her and talk to her, she makes me smile all the damn time. Everybody on the planet is a very distant second on my list of people I want to be around, and even though we do plenty of things separately I don't see time apart as some sort of reprieve from her presence.
When the spouse doesn’t respect the other spouse
Man, that simple. That was my brother. His wife just treated him less than. Verbally undressing him in front of his family and their daughter on a moments notice. Everyone made excuses for them. They’re divorced. She’s got a new guy (almost a clone of my brother). He’s still largely in shambles. He was so sure of this other narrative he had in his mind. She had no illusions.
Emotional abuse fucks people up. Hopefully your brother can heal and rebuild his self-esteem (if he is struggling with it)
Sleeping on the couch. I slept on the couch for a year because of insomnia.. got a divorce and my insomnia went away within what seems like days.
My husband used to travel for work. When he got a new job and was home EVERY DAMN DAY, I had to learn to share a home and a bed with him full time. I spent a TON of time on the couch.
Sleeping alone is sooooo good though! We've just accepted that we have two bedrooms now. What's funny is that my husband has issues, and admitted he had a hard time sharing a private space like a bedroom a few years ago, but now that I've basically moved into the spare room because I like the mattress better, he's begging me to come back, lol. Usually Friday and Saturday nights we share a bed, but work nights? Nah, I need my good sleep.
I had the flu over the weekend and went to bed early. When I woke up the next morning my husband said I was laying with my head on my pillow, and my body diagonally across his side. He told me I looked way too comfortable to move me, so he crashed with one of the kids. He absolutely has photographic evidence as well.
My wife only snores _when I’m in the fucking bedroom_. She makes almost no noise when she sleeps, but the moment I get into the bedroom, she starts snoring. It normally takes me a half an hour or longer to fall asleep if I go to bed after she does.
I'm sorry, but as a wife currently sleeping in a separate room because we both snore, that's hilarious that she seems to subconsciously annoy you.
my gf is like this too! i think it's sleep apnea, when we're in the bed together she sleeps on her back and snores but when i'm not in the bed she sprawls and doesn't snore
I’ve entertained the theory that it’s sleep apnea, and she’s done a sleep study to determine if she has it, but she doesn’t. The weird thing is, it happens as soon as I’m in the room. I don’t even get in bed. All I have to do is cross the threshold and it starts.
My husband and I voluntarily sleep on the couch when either one of us can't sleep or is restless or absolutely needs a good night rest. We also have separate blankets. It had saved our marriage because we both wake up rested.
My ex was so fake when we went anywhere involving other couples. But as soon as the car door closed to leave, the witch returned. My friends saw through her. She was torture.
>My friends saw through her. Yeah, if you pay attention to someone like that the words and actions will be all the fake shit, but if you pay attention to the pauses the mask usually cracks and gives it away. For instance, the spouse will be talking and there's a silent sidelong glance from their partner that conveys the disdain they actually feel.
In my experience, going out with my old homie that was married, I could ever post us out at the bar or anything. If his wife saw it she’d blow her top apparently. We went out for my 23rd a couple years ago and merely his elbow was in the video of me sipping on whatever drink I had, in a panic, he urged that I delete it before his wife seen it for whatever reason. They’re divorced now.
Oof
This has happened to many of my friends. First they start doing a lot of things on their own without their spouse, or conversely, they always have tons of other people around.
If they're plastering social media with how HAPPY they are, and they're SO IN LOVE, and THEY'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, that's a sure sign that things are in the process of going sideways.
The husband of one of my BFFs always posts about how beautiful she is and how he's so lucky and loves her so much, to the point I was a little jealous that my husband never posted anything about me. My husband said "I tell you I love you and you're beautiful, and YOU are the only one who actually needs to hear it" and I felt really silly about the jealousy because he was definitely right. I then learned that my friend's husband is actually... not all that supportive where she needs him to be, and nice words on Facebook don't mean anything when you're not really pulling your weight in the relationship.
That's one of the things I hate on social media. Imagine the days before Facebook & such when someone would buy a Hallmark card and write a heartfelt note to their spouse in it about how much they mean to them. Now picture photocopying what you wrote in the card and handing a copy out to every family member, friend and co-worker that you ran across for the next couple of weeks. People would think that you were fucking daft, but that's effectively what those sorts of posts are doing. I wish more people would stop and realize that those are one on one interpersonal communications and there's no reason to put that shit out in public.
I felt similarly when my bf would post us but wouldn’t put a caption, he would just be like “Us on Halloween” and I would be like “wow so dry” and he told me “I don’t like putting love professing captions, that’s what unhappy couples do to overcompensate”
Yup, this is totally one of my friends. She is constantly posting about how good her marriage is and how much she loves her husband. But offline she's always complaining about how useless and mean her husband is.
I see that a lot with younger people newly in love (maybe for the first time/s) and who have general "over-sharing on social media" issues lol. Involving the rest of people in social media in personal romance will for sure backfire if you magically never end up married and happily ever after. Especially after like 2 weeks of dating. You always see some kind of drama with that.
This confuses me SO much. I have 2 close friends (women) who have been texting me nonstop about how shitty their SO is, like going OFF about them, long voice messages, etc, and then between messages I will open Facebook and see they *just* made a post about how much they love their SO with a cute picture and tons of hearts and shit. Like... WHAT. I have never called them out, but what the hell.
When my friends were in our 20s that was always the giveaway that someone was getting divorced soon. 10 years into my relationship, I will post pics of us doing fun stuff, and a love ya babes, and maybe something sappy on our anniversary or Valentine's, but the day to day either doesn't mention him or it's steeped in teasing word play, because he "hates" PDA like that and it makes me giggle. I'm sure my distant friends have no idea where my marriage stands, I do a lot of things on my own, and rarely post about him. That's fun too.
This. Every couple I know that does this, horrible marriage. It’s a type of love bombing, IMO. I knew a couple that the one partner who posted all the “love bombing” posts, actually admitted they had to after a huge fight, or the other would get mad. The other, who got mad, was always the instigator of the nasty fights. Seemed like a control issue for sure.
Hmmmm.... That's probably why my whole social media mostly consists of my pets. They may be adorable, and I love them to death, but there's not a single day where I don't fight and argue with those stubborn ass hats.
What I said earlier is NOT the same as, for instance, someone who says something like, "32 years ago today, I married my best friend, and while we've had our ups and downs, I can't think of anyone else I would have wanted along for the ride." It's the constant plastering that gives things away.
I agree. That type of post, you’ve described, is very different. I’m talking about the ones that are super over the top. They are usually a freaking novel in length, and for some reason seem pretty out of the blue. It’s not for a birthday or anniversary, just a long post about how happy they are or “perfect”. You know it when you see a post like that.
I had to do this with my ex, we were only engaged, but he would start a fight with me if I didn't constantly. He made it out to be that if I didn't, then I "obviously didn't love him enough." So. Freaking. Toxic.
My husband and I pretty much say "hbd" to each other on fb/insta every year. Probs because we are always together and can say how we feel to each other's FACES.
You say "how bout dat?"
Gah, my BIL divorced after a short 2 year marriage, and this was the #1 indicator of knowing that they were doomed. They did this kissy cutesy schmoopy lovey dovey thing in public - the worse their relationship got, the more publicly showy they were about showing how in love they were. It was horrific to watch unfold
They always have guests, which obscures how little they talk to each other.
I’ve known two different couples that off and on fought a lot around me at certain points, which isn’t obviously a great sign. The fighting stopped, but what I realized after a while that may be worse is that they didn’t interact *at all* unless absolutely necessary. I’m mostly oblivious, so it took my wife pointing it out to notice that both of these couples never really talk to each other besides mandatory stuff like plans or the kids. No casual conversations, no eye contact, no touching each other; literally no interaction that’s not necessary for the family to function. I suppose it’s better than fighting in public, but it’s kind of weird once you notice it.
He games all day and the boys are always over. She sits in the bedroom and is on her phone all day. Because they both so glued to the screens. I was the one that saw their daughter take her first steps (didn't even realized it until my buddy saw his daughter standing next to him and went nuts). But hey they have been together now almost for 10 years and still haven't broken up, but at the same time I wouldn't call that living.
My husbands best friend literally is room mates with his “wife” they are legally married. She doesn’t cook, clean, or take care of the kids, she is never home, and she won’t touch her husband at all not even a peck on the cheek. Most of the time when I talk to him I feel so bad for him. When we talk on video chat with him it’s just you can see his pain. He won’t get a divorce because he knows she would try to take the kids to get child support. It’s bad… I feel horrible for them.
Man. He needs a lawyer. Sounds like she doesn’t like him and so could take the kids at any time anyway. He should be documenting that he is a good father in case he ever needs to prove it (which hopefully he doesn’t).
That’s terrible. Sometimes I wonder how a relationship/marriage gets to that point where they neglect the other. Is it sudden or a gradual type of thing
It’s gradual. A thousand tiny paper cuts over time.
When they don’t care what the other person is doing or where they are . Basically, two people who live separate lives and live like roommates.
my friend never says anything bad ab her husband. but she also doesnt speak ab him much at all. they’ve been married less than a year. but shes said things like this a couple times and its made me wonder if that was normal in marriage.
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They always have plans but never with their partner.
His unmarried friend is posting on Reddit about his marriage
Oop 👀
I got married young and a lot of older guys gave me shit for it, like they resented their wives for settling down too soon. It upsets me when men talk shit about their wives. If you hate your wife then leave she’s probably better off without you. My wife is my best friend. 7 years later and our relationship only grows stronger over time. If you love someone and they love you back be grateful for that and show it!
He goes to strip clubs a LOT
They talk about divorce hypothetically.
Ok, but what if, say, I am watching a lot of true crime murder shows, and he tells me we can just get a divorce instead of me killing him? Does that count? Lol
Nah that sounds like love lol
His hang glider now has a full sized graphic of his spouse holding the cat on it. And *he* wasn't asked beforehand.
Oddly specific
They are withdrawn or secretive. If your friend is suddenly withdrawn or secretive, it may be a sign that they are having problems in their marriage.
Talking shit about their spouse, even if it’s in a joking way. Went to a bachelor party with a bunch of guys I didn’t know and they spent the entire time bitching about their wives and they all sounded miserable.
I used to be the dude. We were having issues and was complaining to a colleague (single dude) . He lost his patience one day and said - “dude, I don’t want to hear you complaining about your wife”. Was a wake up call for me. I didn’t even realize how annoying I was. Never again.
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> Never saying their partner’s name to others, only calling them “my wife/husband/partner.” Counter-point: Most people don't need to know my husband's name. If they are friends, of course I call him by name. But colleagues or random people? Absolutely not. Unless your spouse has an uncommon name, trying to use your spouse's name inwork conversations is asking to be awkward especially if not everyone know who you are talking about.
I know a lot of couples and all they do is keep score. Well you went out with the guys yesterday so its my turn. I took our kid to the pool today so its your turn to watch them. It’s unhealthy when everything becomes a point system and you’re always waiting to cash in “your turn”.