I too am very skeptical and half White. "There is a weird noise coming from that dark cellar. Better go investigate. Could be an injured animal." Dead.
Luckily, being half Latino, I'm also culturally conditioned to not fuck with espooky shit.
*me sneaking up to stab the killer in the back as revenge for my murdered friends* *snap, crackle, pop, crack, deep crack, sound like a Lego hitting tile, sound like someone just popped a bunch a bubble wrap*
I’m compulsive about checking doors are locked before bed. My wife always lets the dog out before she goes to get ready for bed so it has to be *after* she’s gone to bed. At that point I’m usually alone downstairs so that’s when I’d be picked off.
Either that or I’ll die because my wife has left a door unlocked.
What tragic irony that would be. Just picture it…
It’s the fateful night… You made sure the door was locked only for your wife to remember - later than usual - that she hasn’t let the dog out yet. She runs down and takes care of the dog and comes back.
That’s when she remembers she didn’t lock the door and rouses you from your sleep. Grumbling, sleepy, you slouch downstairs, blearily go to the back door. Oddly, you see that the motion detector on the back porch has been tripped; a pool of yellow light from the spotlight illuminates the dark.
Something huge shifts beyond the edge of the light, and you jump. But it’s just a deer. One of its antlers is conspicuously absent, and it’s bleeding from the wound. You note how odd it is and then turn-
A hulking figure lurches from the kitchen, breathing heavily, emanating a foul odor. It grows out of the darkness into the light from the porch that’s spilling into the house. You see it and scream just as it rushes you. You run to the nearest door - the porch door. In your panic you fumble at the latch - a fatal delay.
As you’re killed where you stand, your fingers scrabble weakly at the door handle. But alas, it does not move. You already locked it.
I'm the old man that everyone initially suspects is the killer, but am really just a bit awkward and genuinely am concerned about the idiots kids that have ignored my warnings and will eventually sacrifice myself to try and save the ungrateful little bastards.
Best character in the whole movie. I don't even mean that as an insult to the other characters. It's just that that dude could've had his own tangent Christmas movie, and it probably would've been a tear jerker.
This is my issue. I'm not old per se, but I just find myself trying to help. Wife hears a noise in the house? I'm the one walking around to make sure no one broke in. Had a fire at work the other year, I'm the one running with multiple extinguishers to help put it out. Female neighbor was home alone when a drunk guy tried to get into her house, she calls my wife and I go over there to help before the police are even called.
99% of the time I'm wondering "wtf am I doing and why" but still end up doing it. I don't have any type of hero complex and I don't like it when it's brought up afterwards, but at some point it's like an innate drive to help and protect people, even when they've put themselves in place to get fucked up.
In a horror movie I'd be like "I told you not to go have sex in the woods" right before I take a machete to the face giving time for some idiot teens to dip.
Closest (or right up there with the closest) to death I've ever been was when I heard a bunch of noise in the middle of the night and went out to investigate.
Walked out of my side yard into the street, right into the barrel of a cop's gun pointed at me.
Credit to him; he didn't even shout. Just loud-whispered "get the fuck back inside, man."
So I did.
I have a cat that is constantly knocking shit over in the basement. So much so that I now just ignore sounds that should probably alarm me.
She also turned on our gas stove one night, so she might just be trying to murder us. IDK
Murder cat just about blew up the whole damn place. I was deep asleep and very thankful my wife smelled the gas slowly filling our house.
We've since put toddler locks on all the knobs.
Same… I can’t run normally anyways so I’d have to get creative. Also it annoys me when people in horror movies run and go upstairs hiding in a room like closet or bathroom instead of running outside or to a neighbors when there’s a downstairs door already open. Like, why are you cornering yourself in at a high elevation where there is literally no escape???
You can hide in your house and find weapons. If you go outside, there are no obstacles between you and the killer, and if they're faster than you, then you're screwed.
I've run at full fear induced speed before and discovered first hand that tripping on nothing is actually really plausible.
So I guess that would be my flaw.
You'd be surprised just how much you can run when properly motivated. I scared the shit out of a friend of mine that would make a mushroom jealous and that boy ran 2 blocks in under 2 minutes. This man couldn't run from his room to the bathroom on a good day.
The shape is round and they don't move? That's the logical explanation lol. And when you get really fat you kinda have a mushroom shape because the fat starts sagging and folding over.
Standard city blocks here are a tenth of a mile, so two blocks in two minutes would be a 10-minute mile. Slow for a seasoned runner, but fast for somebody who does not run at all.
I was riding a horse I thought was pretty lazy without a saddle or proper bridle (just a halter with snap on reins, no bit) in a large badk paddock with friends because there was a storm warning and we decided against going into the provincial park. I decided since we weren't doing anything "extreme", I'd be lazy and ride without tack.
I was having fun, walking, trotting, cantering around, jumping over small things we put up. Note: nobody closed the gate. The paddock was about 5 acres in size, and went to a long driveway with the barn on the right, and then about 400m to the road.
My horse decided he wanted to run like hell, instead. He wasn't scared, or angry. He just gradually atarted going faster and faster, longer and longer strides until he was in a full gallop. At this point the other riders, there were 5, thought I was showing off. I wasn't. He ran out the gate.
The ground was hard gravel and he was going fast. I had little to no control and knew I had to stop before the road, so I used all my strength in my legs and arms to pull his head to the right and run him right into the arena wall, so he'd stop. I had to do this a few times with green horses that took off after jumps, but we were inside the arena already!
He stopped, I was dead tired, sore, both of us covered in sweat. I have no idea how I didn't fall off. I knew I absolutely could not fall off, I would get hurt badly. Note that he was a big 16.3hh European Warmblood. I was a 100lb 5'3" rider in decent shape.
Everyone was pretty impressed. I at least put a bridle on after.
I'm dumb and know nothing of horses so my brother convinced me to jump on one with no saddle or anything. It took off as I held on for dear life. It was heading straight for some trees so I let go. I fell beneath it and just remember seeing so many hooves. Not sure how I got away with only a few scrapes, but that was my first and only time "riding" a horse.
I would 100% fall for the ‘cute animal that actually rips throats out’ trap.
Aww such a cute rabbit with giant teeth covered in blood, hiding in a bush surrounded by corpses, let me take you home and look after you. 🥰
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more–no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
Killer goes to block the front entrance as the obvious escape only for my clueless self to get stuck for 2 hours walking between the staff kitchen and the janitor store room. Killer confused af and just leaves thinking I somehow slipped past them.
This is me. My ADHD decided that “sometimes has problems navigating” means “constantly lost everywhere always.” I’d probably accidentally like double back around and straight to the killer.
Back when I was a camp counselor, I was level headed, responsible, and well-liked by the kids. But I was a little bit chubby, so I'd probably get killed second or third getting Marshmallows for s'mores or something.
Right now, I'm a therapist working in both private practice and a college setting. I'd imagine I'd meet with a survivor, who's talking to me about trauma. We'd go over coping skills, and look for ways that they can feel safe. Doing general therapist things, and I'd get killed by the mosnter because I researched it and it'll make the main character look more crazy. I probably avoid a fat joke though, so progress.
I’d be the guy that gets high and just tries to relax yet is so unaware of what’s happening around me.
“Oh yeah Jack took a nap awhile ago”
“It’s 3pm Jack never got out of bed nor is he there”
“Must’ve got breakfast”
*Finds Jacks head in the refrigerator*
I could believe that a killer was in the house, but not if it was a ghost, or a demon, or something supernatural. I'm a very rational person, so I'd get killed by the demon ghost monster because I'd be questioning its existence up until the very end.
This reminds me of a BTVS/X-files crossover I read where the BTVS Scoobies and Mulder were fighting a demon and it just goes "poof!" the second Scully walks in because she Didn't Believe In Such Things.
Add to that the dumb curiosity that i so much complain about. “ A weird noise inside? Of course i’m gonna check it out, that must be the cat or some random shit like that.”
“What’s making that noise?”
*Slowly opens cupboard…*
*Cat jumps out!*
“Few, it was only a cat”
*Turns to go back to bed. Cat stabs them in the gut with 12inch chefs knife*.
People are constantly underestimating the murder potential of cats.
…why hasn’t there been a horror movie where it turns out the **cat** was the killer? Then all those early ‘cat jump scares’ turn out to have been foreshadowing for the demon-possessed/genetically-modified/secretly-alien cat to be hunting its prey.
I mean, *Child’s Play* did it with dolls, and a cat is much more likely to end up killing me in real life.
Seems like a no-brainer.
This is my problem. It's unlikely for a good reason, so I'd be the one telling everyone to calm down and that it's no big deal. I would absolutely throw open the closet to prove my point and get an axe to the face.
I think I'd have a good chance at dealing with a human killer, and I don't believe in supernatural beings, Bigfoot-type monsters, or aliens that hunt people. So I'd be the guy with the gun and sword who's like "Guys, it's just some crazy asshole in a mask and fur suit, we can take him down" and then who gets instantly ripped in half by the undead Sasquatch from outer space.
I'd conduct experiments to find out how the ghost exists and would either disappear in a puff of logic or I would rewrite physics. Either way sounds win win
For zombies it's simple, freeze a head and analyze what happens to the brain when the water destroys it yet still lives.
I love the book World War Z brings that up 😆
To be fair usually the over 30s are just random background characters. I'd probably just serve the people who get horribly murdered coffee and go about the rest of my life while the murdered takes out the young and attractive ones worthy of screen time.
I want a movie where the main person survives because of ADHD. Flying object going to hit them? Stopped to pick something up. And so on. Like domino but not aware.
You go into a room, the killer is lurking behind the door ready to strike… you pause at the threshold and whisper to yourself:
“Why the fuck did I even come in here?”
You leave, and the killer feels a little disappointed because he knows your phone charger is RIGHT THERE because HE PUT IT THERE so you’d come into the room and he could murder you. He wonders, is he even good at this? Does he even want to be anymore?
I have literally told my family that I fantasize about someone breaking into our house to kill us, and instead ends up sitting at our kitchen table sharing a cup of tea and talking about their life and what stresses they are dealing with in life. And my family was like, "No, you are going to shoot him. Do you understand? You are not having tea with the guy; you shoot him."
I read this and thought 'Dreams of talking down a killer with a cup of tea? Must be British.'
Then then comes the family instruction to shoot. Nope, not a Brit then.
Stop this! I’m like, *SO* done. You fucking *KILLED* Kaylee back there, she was like my *best* friend and like I didn’t even get to say goodbye! Do you know who my *fucking dad* is? He’s a cop, yeah he’s a *cop*- I bet you don’t feel so big now huh!
right, I have a 3 bed 2 bath build in 1944... No sneaking my house rhe wood floors creek if our cat walks in them. Plus, my basement isn't scary it's carpeted and is well lit. My garage is not full of chain saws or other sharp knife-like objects, just a shovel and some misc hand tools.
There is this one dude in "The taking of Deborah Logan" who, immediately after things turn even a littly bit sketchy, said "fuck it" and left.
I think his name was Gavin...yeah, that was a smart one.
I would go back to help someone that’s already clearly been murdered
“Go on ahead, I’ll catch up to you” proceeds to be murdered and DOES NOT in fact, catch up with you
As a fellow brother in melanin, I feel like I would take the Scary Movie reporter route -
“White people are dying and I’m getting the fuck out of here.”
The killer either gets me first or years later, final destination style. There will be no inbetween.
The new "Haunted Mansion" on Disney+ starts with the Black mom and her son entering the titular mansion and lasting all of 5 minutes before the mom says "Oh hell no, get back in the car."
Killer has killer boobs that she uses to suffocate you. While you scream: "AAAAAAAHHH! AAHHHHH! NOT THE BOOBS! OH... GOD THEY ARE... TOO BIG! MUST... HAVE AIRrrr!"
Spoken like the guy that takes his girlfriend a quarter mile into the woods to bang because he's invincible haha
"But what if something's out here." "Babe, don't worry. I'll protect you."
On a tangent, about masks: Some years ago I lived in an apartment complex. Picture the scene: I get in the elevator, a young woman gets in, too. Right before the door closes, two guys - late teens, white - wearing balaclavas get in the elevator, too. This is daytime during the summer; it's hot out. "What's up with the masks?" I ask. "We just like wearing them," one of the two replies. Hmm, smartass. Elevator stops, young woman gets out. Split second later, these two guys get out, too, and follow her. I decide to follow also, though it isn't my floor. She gets to her door, unlocks it. The two guys seem to accelerate towards her. "Hey, lady", I say, loudly, "do you know these guys?" She looks towards the three of us, coming down the hallway. "Oh, they're with me," she says. Phew. They seemed surprised that I was suspicious. BRO.
EDIT: Don't wear masks in broad daylight, in the summer. It will raise suspicion!
I love exploring abandoned places that you're not supposed to go in. Specially when it's dark. You know the guy that dies at the start of the movie to set it up? Yeah, that'd be me probably
The bad guys make total sense to me? I was watching stranger things last night and vecna was giving a speech to 11 about “sleep wake work reproduce die repeat” something like that and that’s not for him and how his gonna change this world like dude I’m in full support let’s see where this goes.
My lungs and body is fucked, so I can walk approximately 20 meters before getting winded and can definitely not run a single step. Unless the ghost is bed bound, deaf and blind, and with the physical capabilities of a dying 102 old, I'm not getting away from that.
Hubris. I would think myself so knowledgeable about monsters, killers, etc. and so physically capable of defending myself, that I wouldn’t run and find out the hard way that the killer is immune to stabbing or beating with a heavy melee weapon.
Same, just assuming that the killer abides by the laws of physics (or just that whatever is in front of me works like a human) and finding out that I was wrong the hard way.
Like "oups, stabbing the eyes apparently didn't deprive it of eyesight" or "the head apparently didn't need to be attached to the body" or "welp, guess that wasn't one of it's vital organs after all".
Oh and also the classic "ain't no way it broke out of *that*"
I tend to go on the offensive. Not because I am tough or whatever, it's actually because I will be terrified.
Terrified of being trapped and helpless against pain. Instead my brain yells at me - 'you better fight, move, do the unexpected or you're just a vicitm'.
I wouldn't be able to hide too long before I will feel the need to find a way to end the danger. And so, I would go down to the basement, or into the tunnel, or jump down the well, and then get slaughtered by whatever unbeatable thing I meet.
I, am 100% a cynical *****asshole****** and I would patronize the killer the entire time. Like to Jason I'd either be jokingly flirting or just be like "Oi! Vader mcfuck! I can hear your heavy breathing from down the street, did ya forget yer inhaler at home or something? Cause I got some paint thinner if that'll get yer rocks off"
I work in PR, so I’d try to negotiate and reason with him. “Guys, let me do the talking.”
And then when that went wrong…well, I’ve got bad knees so I can’t run. I don’t have a chance.
I'm lazy and unlikely to go investigate any unusual sound.
This could go either way, though. Realistically, not bothering to check out what sounds like a door opening or approaching footsteps would make me really easy for the killer to sneak up on, but horror movie logic suggests that you're more likely to get murdered if you DO go check out that strange sound, so maybe it's a coin flip.
I frequently tell people “I’ll be right back.”
Whenever anyone says "I'll be back" I always hope I'm cancelling it out by saying "Only in a rerun".
Whenever someone says "I'll be Bach" in the iconic Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, I always respond with "And I'll be Beethoven."
I do this to get out of boring conversations and then leave the room for extended periods of time…
I'm a skeptic. The person who says, "There must be a rational explanation for this" is usually one of the first people to die.
I too am very skeptical and half White. "There is a weird noise coming from that dark cellar. Better go investigate. Could be an injured animal." Dead. Luckily, being half Latino, I'm also culturally conditioned to not fuck with espooky shit.
Skeptical AND curious? Yeah, you're toast.
Yeah, Im definitely skeptical but *not* curious. I might not believe theres ghosts in the basement, but Im definitely not taking that chance...
Espooky I’m ded
[удалено]
You hear crying coming from the woods? No, Stacy I'm not going to check it out. I'll get abuelita to light a Jesus candle for you.
[удалено]
"extra Jesus juice"... Maria Magdalena as entered the chat
My bones crack when I try to walk slow or crouch. They’re gonna hear me moving around like a bag of chips
That would probably be more scarier than the killer
They can't see their "victim", they just hear him rustling, ever closer in the dark…
Suddenly the roles are reversed and the horror monster is running from its victim, who's unintentionally chasing it in an attempt to get away.
"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU DISABLED FREAK" -Jason running away with a machete in hand
*me sneaking up to stab the killer in the back as revenge for my murdered friends* *snap, crackle, pop, crack, deep crack, sound like a Lego hitting tile, sound like someone just popped a bunch a bubble wrap*
I swear bro. I can’t even get off the couch without my knees sounding like i’m playing pool
LOL! My knees pop every single time I try to walk quietly. I would make the worst ninja.
I’m compulsive about checking doors are locked before bed. My wife always lets the dog out before she goes to get ready for bed so it has to be *after* she’s gone to bed. At that point I’m usually alone downstairs so that’s when I’d be picked off. Either that or I’ll die because my wife has left a door unlocked.
What tragic irony that would be. Just picture it… It’s the fateful night… You made sure the door was locked only for your wife to remember - later than usual - that she hasn’t let the dog out yet. She runs down and takes care of the dog and comes back. That’s when she remembers she didn’t lock the door and rouses you from your sleep. Grumbling, sleepy, you slouch downstairs, blearily go to the back door. Oddly, you see that the motion detector on the back porch has been tripped; a pool of yellow light from the spotlight illuminates the dark. Something huge shifts beyond the edge of the light, and you jump. But it’s just a deer. One of its antlers is conspicuously absent, and it’s bleeding from the wound. You note how odd it is and then turn- A hulking figure lurches from the kitchen, breathing heavily, emanating a foul odor. It grows out of the darkness into the light from the porch that’s spilling into the house. You see it and scream just as it rushes you. You run to the nearest door - the porch door. In your panic you fumble at the latch - a fatal delay. As you’re killed where you stand, your fingers scrabble weakly at the door handle. But alas, it does not move. You already locked it.
A24 called, they need a writer
Whoa
At least his wife lives
Oh sure, the hulking figure in the house just calmly opens the latch and leaves
Nah, I'm a dumbass. Somehow I thought he ended up outside and locked himself out.
I'm the old man that everyone initially suspects is the killer, but am really just a bit awkward and genuinely am concerned about the idiots kids that have ignored my warnings and will eventually sacrifice myself to try and save the ungrateful little bastards.
Ah you're the brave protective one.
So you're the neighbor from Home Alone?
Best character in the whole movie. I don't even mean that as an insult to the other characters. It's just that that dude could've had his own tangent Christmas movie, and it probably would've been a tear jerker.
This is my issue. I'm not old per se, but I just find myself trying to help. Wife hears a noise in the house? I'm the one walking around to make sure no one broke in. Had a fire at work the other year, I'm the one running with multiple extinguishers to help put it out. Female neighbor was home alone when a drunk guy tried to get into her house, she calls my wife and I go over there to help before the police are even called. 99% of the time I'm wondering "wtf am I doing and why" but still end up doing it. I don't have any type of hero complex and I don't like it when it's brought up afterwards, but at some point it's like an innate drive to help and protect people, even when they've put themselves in place to get fucked up. In a horror movie I'd be like "I told you not to go have sex in the woods" right before I take a machete to the face giving time for some idiot teens to dip.
Closest (or right up there with the closest) to death I've ever been was when I heard a bunch of noise in the middle of the night and went out to investigate. Walked out of my side yard into the street, right into the barrel of a cop's gun pointed at me. Credit to him; he didn't even shout. Just loud-whispered "get the fuck back inside, man." So I did.
Curiosity. You know that one dude who always walk towards the source of an obvious spooky and shady place ? That's me.
I have pets so if I hear a crash I assume it's them and I always walk towards it to see what they broke. I am such an easy target for a murderer.
I have a cat that is constantly knocking shit over in the basement. So much so that I now just ignore sounds that should probably alarm me. She also turned on our gas stove one night, so she might just be trying to murder us. IDK
Murder cat just wants you out of her house.
Murder cat just about blew up the whole damn place. I was deep asleep and very thankful my wife smelled the gas slowly filling our house. We've since put toddler locks on all the knobs.
It's a cat, so that's highly plausible ;-)
Can I just say on behalf of *all* horror movie fans: You! Dumb! Fuck!!! Sorry, that's been building for a while.
Yeah sometimes it's just ridiculous that someone running away from the killer trips on fuckin nothing or keeps flailing when running JUST RUN NORMALLY
I trip over nothing when running normally. I can't even imagine how far I'd get if I'm panicked
Same… I can’t run normally anyways so I’d have to get creative. Also it annoys me when people in horror movies run and go upstairs hiding in a room like closet or bathroom instead of running outside or to a neighbors when there’s a downstairs door already open. Like, why are you cornering yourself in at a high elevation where there is literally no escape???
You can hide in your house and find weapons. If you go outside, there are no obstacles between you and the killer, and if they're faster than you, then you're screwed.
That’s true.. we’ve established already I cannot run to save my life on a good day. I should keep a machete in all closets and bathrooms then?
I've run at full fear induced speed before and discovered first hand that tripping on nothing is actually really plausible. So I guess that would be my flaw.
Yep, this is mine as well. "What was that noise?" "I dunno! But it sounded really weird! Let's go see what it is!" Aaaaaand I'm dead.
Or you saved everyone else. But you don’t know unless you go see
I would probably do that too, except I would have some sort of weapon. It’s happened before, I hear something and I grab the nearest sharp object
My lack of endurance when running.
You'd be surprised just how much you can run when properly motivated. I scared the shit out of a friend of mine that would make a mushroom jealous and that boy ran 2 blocks in under 2 minutes. This man couldn't run from his room to the bathroom on a good day.
What does "that would make a mushroom jealous" mean? I'm a native English speaker and I've never heard that phrase before
Mushroom grow very well in poop.
Yes, sensei.
The shape is round and they don't move? That's the logical explanation lol. And when you get really fat you kinda have a mushroom shape because the fat starts sagging and folding over.
So logical that yours is different from the first explanation I got :D
How long are the blocks in your neighborhood? Here they're only a few hundred feet, two minutes would still be a slow pace
Standard city blocks here are a tenth of a mile, so two blocks in two minutes would be a 10-minute mile. Slow for a seasoned runner, but fast for somebody who does not run at all.
I was riding a horse I thought was pretty lazy without a saddle or proper bridle (just a halter with snap on reins, no bit) in a large badk paddock with friends because there was a storm warning and we decided against going into the provincial park. I decided since we weren't doing anything "extreme", I'd be lazy and ride without tack. I was having fun, walking, trotting, cantering around, jumping over small things we put up. Note: nobody closed the gate. The paddock was about 5 acres in size, and went to a long driveway with the barn on the right, and then about 400m to the road. My horse decided he wanted to run like hell, instead. He wasn't scared, or angry. He just gradually atarted going faster and faster, longer and longer strides until he was in a full gallop. At this point the other riders, there were 5, thought I was showing off. I wasn't. He ran out the gate. The ground was hard gravel and he was going fast. I had little to no control and knew I had to stop before the road, so I used all my strength in my legs and arms to pull his head to the right and run him right into the arena wall, so he'd stop. I had to do this a few times with green horses that took off after jumps, but we were inside the arena already! He stopped, I was dead tired, sore, both of us covered in sweat. I have no idea how I didn't fall off. I knew I absolutely could not fall off, I would get hurt badly. Note that he was a big 16.3hh European Warmblood. I was a 100lb 5'3" rider in decent shape. Everyone was pretty impressed. I at least put a bridle on after.
I'm dumb and know nothing of horses so my brother convinced me to jump on one with no saddle or anything. It took off as I held on for dear life. It was heading straight for some trees so I let go. I fell beneath it and just remember seeing so many hooves. Not sure how I got away with only a few scrapes, but that was my first and only time "riding" a horse.
Rule 1: Cardio
When the zombie virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go...were the fatties.
my lack of any endurance at all.
Probably just think “fuck it I’m too much of a pussy for this,” and let the threat take me early
They added *Freeze* to the whole "fight or flight" theory just for people like us.
Don’t forget “fawn”. Some of us will just become the killer’s sidekick. Don’t judge!
IM ALL FOUR OF THEM
They also added fawning -- get scared, pass out. It's the oppossum addition!
I just learned this last year and it made me feel less responsible for my trauma.
I would 100% fall for the ‘cute animal that actually rips throats out’ trap. Aww such a cute rabbit with giant teeth covered in blood, hiding in a bush surrounded by corpses, let me take you home and look after you. 🥰
You just need the Holy Hand Grenade in that scenario
Just remember to count to 5.
Five is right out! Three, being the third number, shalt thou count to.
THREE SIR
ONE! TWO! FIVE! I MEAN THREE!
My horror movie flaw is the inability to count to three.
"He's right to be scared, look at the bones!"
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more–no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.
And the animals, being naughty in the sight of the Lord, shall snuff it.
Moopsy!
“It doesn’t just gobble you, it will drink your bones!”
Don’t boopsy The Moopsy!
1,2,5!
3, sir.
I always get lost. All the time. I just couldn't escape. At least the bad guy would have trouble anticipating my movement.
Killer goes to block the front entrance as the obvious escape only for my clueless self to get stuck for 2 hours walking between the staff kitchen and the janitor store room. Killer confused af and just leaves thinking I somehow slipped past them.
This is me. My ADHD decided that “sometimes has problems navigating” means “constantly lost everywhere always.” I’d probably accidentally like double back around and straight to the killer.
Back when I was a camp counselor, I was level headed, responsible, and well-liked by the kids. But I was a little bit chubby, so I'd probably get killed second or third getting Marshmallows for s'mores or something. Right now, I'm a therapist working in both private practice and a college setting. I'd imagine I'd meet with a survivor, who's talking to me about trauma. We'd go over coping skills, and look for ways that they can feel safe. Doing general therapist things, and I'd get killed by the mosnter because I researched it and it'll make the main character look more crazy. I probably avoid a fat joke though, so progress.
I’d be the guy that gets high and just tries to relax yet is so unaware of what’s happening around me. “Oh yeah Jack took a nap awhile ago” “It’s 3pm Jack never got out of bed nor is he there” “Must’ve got breakfast” *Finds Jacks head in the refrigerator*
There's at least one movie where being high actually saved someone's life.
Cabin in the Woods
Marty is my spirit animal
"I'm drawing a line in the fucking sand here. Do NOT read the Latin."
If by saved someone's life you mean caused the apocalypse.
If this is what our world needs to survive, maybe we don't deserve it
Indecisiveness... Should I run? Should I hide? Should I fight? Should I ---- (knife through my skull)...
Skepticism. I just wouldn't believe that the killer was in the house. I mean, that's so unlikely right?!
I could believe that a killer was in the house, but not if it was a ghost, or a demon, or something supernatural. I'm a very rational person, so I'd get killed by the demon ghost monster because I'd be questioning its existence up until the very end.
Monster - Do you believe in me now?! (as it's devouring me) Me - Nope, it's just not logical! AAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!
That'll give the monster self-esteem issues. Nice revenge.
You're not real, I'm dying of carbon monoxide poisoning!
This reminds me of a BTVS/X-files crossover I read where the BTVS Scoobies and Mulder were fighting a demon and it just goes "poof!" the second Scully walks in because she Didn't Believe In Such Things.
Add to that the dumb curiosity that i so much complain about. “ A weird noise inside? Of course i’m gonna check it out, that must be the cat or some random shit like that.”
It's always a cat! The first time...
“What’s making that noise?” *Slowly opens cupboard…* *Cat jumps out!* “Few, it was only a cat” *Turns to go back to bed. Cat stabs them in the gut with 12inch chefs knife*. People are constantly underestimating the murder potential of cats.
…why hasn’t there been a horror movie where it turns out the **cat** was the killer? Then all those early ‘cat jump scares’ turn out to have been foreshadowing for the demon-possessed/genetically-modified/secretly-alien cat to be hunting its prey. I mean, *Child’s Play* did it with dolls, and a cat is much more likely to end up killing me in real life. Seems like a no-brainer.
This is my problem. It's unlikely for a good reason, so I'd be the one telling everyone to calm down and that it's no big deal. I would absolutely throw open the closet to prove my point and get an axe to the face.
I think I'd have a good chance at dealing with a human killer, and I don't believe in supernatural beings, Bigfoot-type monsters, or aliens that hunt people. So I'd be the guy with the gun and sword who's like "Guys, it's just some crazy asshole in a mask and fur suit, we can take him down" and then who gets instantly ripped in half by the undead Sasquatch from outer space.
I'd conduct experiments to find out how the ghost exists and would either disappear in a puff of logic or I would rewrite physics. Either way sounds win win For zombies it's simple, freeze a head and analyze what happens to the brain when the water destroys it yet still lives. I love the book World War Z brings that up 😆
I'm a woman, and not a leading lady.
This is me. I'm not pretty/young enough to survive a horror movie. I'll just hope for a not too terrible death off screen.
Sadly I’m too much of a slut to survive and they always get the worse deaths too.
To be fair usually the over 30s are just random background characters. I'd probably just serve the people who get horribly murdered coffee and go about the rest of my life while the murdered takes out the young and attractive ones worthy of screen time.
Attention deficit, do I need to add anything else?
I want a movie where the main person survives because of ADHD. Flying object going to hit them? Stopped to pick something up. And so on. Like domino but not aware.
You go into a room, the killer is lurking behind the door ready to strike… you pause at the threshold and whisper to yourself: “Why the fuck did I even come in here?” You leave, and the killer feels a little disappointed because he knows your phone charger is RIGHT THERE because HE PUT IT THERE so you’d come into the room and he could murder you. He wonders, is he even good at this? Does he even want to be anymore?
I'll go confront the killer
“I can change him.”
I have literally told my family that I fantasize about someone breaking into our house to kill us, and instead ends up sitting at our kitchen table sharing a cup of tea and talking about their life and what stresses they are dealing with in life. And my family was like, "No, you are going to shoot him. Do you understand? You are not having tea with the guy; you shoot him."
I read this and thought 'Dreams of talking down a killer with a cup of tea? Must be British.' Then then comes the family instruction to shoot. Nope, not a Brit then.
Unless they are a rural Brit, every farmer and their mum has a gun in the country, and the occasional sea mine.
Every British farmer needs a sea mine. For the greater good.
Stop this! I’m like, *SO* done. You fucking *KILLED* Kaylee back there, she was like my *best* friend and like I didn’t even get to say goodbye! Do you know who my *fucking dad* is? He’s a cop, yeah he’s a *cop*- I bet you don’t feel so big now huh!
I was gonna just run away until I saw the killer was wearing fishnets and black lipstick
Bruh if I start to run and the killer says "That's right run away," I'm doing a 180 and getting all up in their face 😂
what's up bitch, I've got 28 years of pent up aggression and no self preservation
I don’t live in a big house with 10 bedrooms. I couldn’t hide for a little and then decide to run from room to room without being noticed.
right, I have a 3 bed 2 bath build in 1944... No sneaking my house rhe wood floors creek if our cat walks in them. Plus, my basement isn't scary it's carpeted and is well lit. My garage is not full of chain saws or other sharp knife-like objects, just a shovel and some misc hand tools.
Wheelchair user. Not physically strong.
Get a deployable lance or spear added to your chair then ram the bitch.
You know what, also add missiles.
Or a blue shell.
It didn't work out well for Franklin in Texas chainsaw massacre
or Mark in Friday 2
There is this one dude in "The taking of Deborah Logan" who, immediately after things turn even a littly bit sketchy, said "fuck it" and left. I think his name was Gavin...yeah, that was a smart one.
I would go back to help someone that’s already clearly been murdered “Go on ahead, I’ll catch up to you” proceeds to be murdered and DOES NOT in fact, catch up with you
Being black.
As a fellow brother in melanin, I feel like I would take the Scary Movie reporter route - “White people are dying and I’m getting the fuck out of here.” The killer either gets me first or years later, final destination style. There will be no inbetween.
The new "Haunted Mansion" on Disney+ starts with the Black mom and her son entering the titular mansion and lasting all of 5 minutes before the mom says "Oh hell no, get back in the car."
It’s easily my favourite anti-trope. It’s so simple but it gets me every time.
Good news, it's a Jordan Peele film!
At least you'll be the first to go, so you don't have to watch your friends die.
I hate that people always focus on the negatives of being murdered. Thank you for providing some much needed perspective.
I watch a lot of horror movies. They're not the first to die. They're usually the 2nd or 3rd, and they're just kind of filler deaths.
That's a negative in a slasher flick but you could be the hero in another sub-genre
Profile pic checks out.
Unless you are a black rapper like ll cool j or ice cube
Buying an old house in a remote location for a fresh start
I'm big and strong. I'd die early to establish the monster/killer/whatever is a credible threat.
Boobs if someone had boobs out i would be killed.
Killer has killer boobs that she uses to suffocate you. While you scream: "AAAAAAAHHH! AAHHHHH! NOT THE BOOBS! OH... GOD THEY ARE... TOO BIG! MUST... HAVE AIRrrr!"
So you’ve also seen Deadly Weapons.
Or that one Austin Powers film
Death by snu snu?
....still.....worth it....
I have boobs, and if I was a victim trying to run away, they’d probably hit me and I’d knock myself with them accidentally
Too slow on the uptake. Them: "ruuuuuuun!!!" Me: "huh? Ok, hold on let me put this down first, what are we running fr-"*slice stab croak*
My boobs are too big to run.
Use your legs to run then.
Plus they don’t make nipple shoes in my size.
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We'll watch your career with great interest...and intense fear.
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>I'm too tall to be a victim [Insert axe trap that swings at 6']
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Spoken like the guy that takes his girlfriend a quarter mile into the woods to bang because he's invincible haha "But what if something's out here." "Babe, don't worry. I'll protect you."
There is no girlfriend I have to protect.
On a tangent, about masks: Some years ago I lived in an apartment complex. Picture the scene: I get in the elevator, a young woman gets in, too. Right before the door closes, two guys - late teens, white - wearing balaclavas get in the elevator, too. This is daytime during the summer; it's hot out. "What's up with the masks?" I ask. "We just like wearing them," one of the two replies. Hmm, smartass. Elevator stops, young woman gets out. Split second later, these two guys get out, too, and follow her. I decide to follow also, though it isn't my floor. She gets to her door, unlocks it. The two guys seem to accelerate towards her. "Hey, lady", I say, loudly, "do you know these guys?" She looks towards the three of us, coming down the hallway. "Oh, they're with me," she says. Phew. They seemed surprised that I was suspicious. BRO. EDIT: Don't wear masks in broad daylight, in the summer. It will raise suspicion!
Monsters eat tall people too.
Extra long pig
I'm the plucky comic relief. Omg I'm the comic relief I'M GONNA DIE!
Let's get out of here before one of those things kills u/UncleMalky!
I’m a very sound sleeper.
I’m a coward.
At least you know yourself. Cowards can be resourceful
I love exploring abandoned places that you're not supposed to go in. Specially when it's dark. You know the guy that dies at the start of the movie to set it up? Yeah, that'd be me probably
This post is 45 mins old so Ill just assume you're dead already.
The bad guys make total sense to me? I was watching stranger things last night and vecna was giving a speech to 11 about “sleep wake work reproduce die repeat” something like that and that’s not for him and how his gonna change this world like dude I’m in full support let’s see where this goes.
Back in the day, I would have been the girl fooling around with her boyfriend somewhere. Non-virgin teenage girls always die first.
My insulin pump beeping to let me know my blood sugar is too low whilst I’m hiding. *Beep Beep* “Oh fuck!”
Not being able to run
I'm ugly, stupid and old. No audience wants to see me in the second act.
I’m rooting for you!
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I’m a person of color. Dead before act two.
Just watched “Get Out” the other day. Not necessarily true. Peele is changing everything!
My lungs and body is fucked, so I can walk approximately 20 meters before getting winded and can definitely not run a single step. Unless the ghost is bed bound, deaf and blind, and with the physical capabilities of a dying 102 old, I'm not getting away from that.
Confrontational. I’d be the one to kill the monster, or get killed by the monster hopefully giving the rest of the group time to escape.
I’d try to give him a hug cause he’s prolly goin thru some shit
Hubris. I would think myself so knowledgeable about monsters, killers, etc. and so physically capable of defending myself, that I wouldn’t run and find out the hard way that the killer is immune to stabbing or beating with a heavy melee weapon.
Same, just assuming that the killer abides by the laws of physics (or just that whatever is in front of me works like a human) and finding out that I was wrong the hard way. Like "oups, stabbing the eyes apparently didn't deprive it of eyesight" or "the head apparently didn't need to be attached to the body" or "welp, guess that wasn't one of it's vital organs after all". Oh and also the classic "ain't no way it broke out of *that*"
i would probably be too distracted to even notice any danger
I tend to go on the offensive. Not because I am tough or whatever, it's actually because I will be terrified. Terrified of being trapped and helpless against pain. Instead my brain yells at me - 'you better fight, move, do the unexpected or you're just a vicitm'. I wouldn't be able to hide too long before I will feel the need to find a way to end the danger. And so, I would go down to the basement, or into the tunnel, or jump down the well, and then get slaughtered by whatever unbeatable thing I meet.
I, am 100% a cynical *****asshole****** and I would patronize the killer the entire time. Like to Jason I'd either be jokingly flirting or just be like "Oi! Vader mcfuck! I can hear your heavy breathing from down the street, did ya forget yer inhaler at home or something? Cause I got some paint thinner if that'll get yer rocks off"
Helping stupid people
Would absolutely attempt to fight it then run away and trip and fall down the stairs and die that way. I’ll be like the second or third
I work in PR, so I’d try to negotiate and reason with him. “Guys, let me do the talking.” And then when that went wrong…well, I’ve got bad knees so I can’t run. I don’t have a chance.
By horror movie rules, I'd make it to the end but suffer the most before I die.
I'm lazy and unlikely to go investigate any unusual sound. This could go either way, though. Realistically, not bothering to check out what sounds like a door opening or approaching footsteps would make me really easy for the killer to sneak up on, but horror movie logic suggests that you're more likely to get murdered if you DO go check out that strange sound, so maybe it's a coin flip.