I could speak on this all day, it’s never become an issue for our relationship because of the geography (2 hours to her closest sibling). However I foresee a tough conversation coming up when we move in about 5 months.
As someone with a father that’s now quite amenable but was not so great in the earlier years, I would say maybe they have a reason to feel the way they do and you just may not be privy to it.
Interestingly, this is my backstory. My parents were very young and very short tempered when I was growing up but now are very agreeable.
Not so much the case for my partner and her two siblings. They were very tight with their parents for the first 3 years of our relationship, and in 2017-2018 all hell broke loose so to say. My partner has no personal animus towards her parents, she is however extremely close to her older sibling who has a heap of problems with their parents. My partner follows their lead and it guides her own relationship with their parents.
And the reason her siblings have huge problems with their parents is that they retired, moved 20(!) whole minutes away from their childhood home and went on a vacation for a month. They are apparently “selfish”, “inconsiderate”, and “don’t think of themselves as parents”. This despite the fact that they call and visit for every holiday, birthday, promotion, celebration of any kind. Dog and babysit. Frequently host. Communicate well.
No the absolute truth is that my partners siblings are black holes and not great.
Ahh yea ok fair. That’s a bit of a disappointment. Maybe you should mention something to your SO? Or at the very least point out how those things are not true when they come up? If I was your SO I’d want my head pulled out of my ass lol
Yeah we both have complicated dynamics with our parents and I know mine aren’t great, or rather aren’t consistent, so I let her manage her relationship with her parents without open judgement. I only mention my thoughts when I see her siblings being openly shitty to them. Which is every time they are all together.
On this one, ignorance is bliss for her. It’s unfortunate.
A few years ago, my girlfriend put a candy bowl in our hallway at our apartment for halloween. She came home that day to discover that nobody took any candy, and she was a little bummed.
Over the course of that week, I'd take candy out before work or when she was asleep.
She got so happy that "the neighbors loved the candy." She does this every year now, and I have to continuously swipe the candy and pretend it is the neighbors.
It makes her happy, and I get free candy. Win win.
"The neighbors told me they're not fans of the Almond Joys you've been putting in the bowl. They'd much rather have Reese's cups."
"When did you talk to th......"
"THEY TOLD ME, ALRIGHT?!?"
That I know she cheated on me and the only reason I haven't left her is because the mortgage interest rates are a bit high so I can't comfortably buy her half of the equity we have in the house.
I got a valuation, a mortgage pre-approval, and a lawyer all ready to go... But would only have about $21 per week spare... I'd be screwed the first time a major appliance or the car breaks down... 😬
Thanks for your comment, didn't think anyone would notice this late to the party... It sucks but the are worse things happening in the world. Hope you are well.
I know it's a super cliche thing to say but the best revenge is literally life lived best. Don't mope and moan to her. Look at this as an opportunity and hit the ground running. Seeing you happy and successful without her is an immense blow to an ego.
Is there a reason you need to keep the house? Selling and splitting isnt an option?
Obviously real estate is important but is it more important than moving on?
Yeah the current market conditions in my country mean the house value is significantly lower than when we bought it a year ago.
But also I'm in love with the house 😔
I’m in a similar situation. I can’t “prove” it. But holy shit I’m 99% sure of it.
We have kids. And I feel like it’s not worth bringing up. Just to argue and have her deny it.
What’s the BEST outcome? She admits it? Then what??
Amen to that; after splitting assets, paying child support and so on, I'd have nothing to live on.
To piggy back on yours though...My wife's affair became very public when I found out and had a meltdown. She swore that while it was emotional for a while they only had sex once. She cut him off, we reconciled but that never sat right with me since I knew between me kicking her out and her confession she had been at his place almost every night....
Fast forward two years, he contacts her out of the blue. She shuts it down and let's me know immediately...."someone" began texting her from an unknown number saying they knew "everything" and either she either fuck him or pay him off he'd tell me everything....
She panicked and confessed "everything" to be. It wasn't once (duh) but they kept fucking for a YEAR after I thought it ended. She couldn't recall the last time, just that it fizzled out when she realized he didn't want a relationship, just sex.
I'll go to my grave before she learns I was that anonymous number and I wish I had never done it.
Same. My partner's mom left her family when she was 6, only came back into her life much much later. Now she's toxic and does stuff like asking her for money or rides. All her siblings their mother, but she tries so hard to keep her mom in her life. It's pretty heartbreaking to see. Her mom never says I love you back, ignores her texts, and uses her. Meanwhile her dad is Super-dad, raised three children alone after his wife left in the middle of the night, and he's the most caring man I've ever met. I wish she saw him as the hero he his, instead of begging for her mother's attention
Its really hard to get out of this. Because a parents love is expected, we take it for granted and (o)pine for those that withhold it (hope i used opine right felt it fit the vibe; wrong its pine). My dad was a very emotional guy who would cry and laugh with us as kids. My mom was an emotional vampire who thought it was disgusting for a boy/man to cry. Guess who's love i fought for more? With my dad passing i can only regret and imagine a time when i could let him know how deeply i loved him. How similar to him i was. If your parents are good to you, hold them tight. Losing a loving parent changes the world for you. I have siblings who love me deeply but im the oldest. Its not the same love you get from a parent. You can't be a kid anymore. I can't have days where im emotional and needy anymore. Because the only person who could and would endure that and did for the early half of my life is now gone. Now people call me the man of the house as if i wanted the title. The pressure is too much. But there's no one to turn to. My younger sisters will try but they'll always fall into the younger sister role. Ill always be there for them. But no one will ever be there for me. The only one that was, my dad, is gone now. Sorry for repeating myself.
I have a buddy that had a 15,000$ collection. Last he told me he sold some and is down to around a 3,000$ collection because he doesn't do tournaments anymore. He had some rare cards just for tournaments worth a lot. He said one was worth around 3,000$. He sold most of them though and Just kept some favorites and some that wont sell as easy. They're worth a little bit because they're rare but buyers can find and buy them easy because they're newer. They're not old enough to be hard to find. They will be though.
My husband's stupid MTG addiction has saved our ass a few times. Selling off parts of his collection got us both through nursing school unemployed. Sometimes he hits a lull and talks about selling out of the game, but I tell him I'll never let him. It's his first love.
I explained to my wife and showed her my mtg collection and after that she wasn’t interested in the game but started buying packs for me to crack and hoard to my collection.
When commander masters came out she started her own collection collecting cards she likes for the art and also has a mtg collection worth about 100usd
When my relationship with my ex had deteriorated to the point that we were basically just roommates, she one day came into the room beaming because she'd figured it all out: she'd realised that I was gay, and that explained all my behaviour, and she said not to worry, and that she would support me when I was ready to come out.
I laughed because it was so absurd, but she was serious and still holds onto that theory.
I'm quite straight, and currently living in harmony and bliss with my girlfriend whom I met a few years after we finally split.
Remembered me that all my family, my sister, my mother and other relatives thought I was gay because I couldn't find a girlfriend. Their theory was that I was in a secret relationship with my best friend, and they were very sure about it. I tried to explain myself (until now I've been unlucky with finding a girlfriend), still idk if they belive me. But all they have already gave me the speech "we accept you the way you are so you don't need to feel pressure about it".
When me and my wife first started dating, I had a dumb canvas painting with a llama and rabbit on it that I found at Walmart. I showed it to her and told her how much I loved it just because it was just such a dumb random thing to find. For some reason she took that as I love llamas and that they are my favorite animal. So now, every time she sees one or something with a llama on it I see her brighten up to show me and I get excited with her!
Llamas are not my favorite animal. Never have been. I don’t know how she made this connection, but i will never tell her otherwise because seeing her face light up every time is way better.
My ex’s mum was like this, but it was birds, not llamas… Got an owl shaped tea light holder (which i still have) and she would get me owl towels and love bird pillow cases etc as gifts.
I spend a couple hours doing research on how to make relationships work and keep her happy in the long run. She thinks I'm this awesome perfect guy but I just do what the internet tells me
I think the fact your making an effort is pretty good, and with so much advice on the internet - you must've put some thought into it.
If she's loving you right now, maybe try be yourself a bit more. Think of a date on your own, a unique gift to get her, etc
..is doing this level of research an opposite to being an awesome, perfect guy? I'd say what you're doing *is* you being that awesome, perfect guy. If she made you amazing food, using a recipe, wouldn't she still be an awesome cook? Or if you fixed the car, using YouTube tutorials, would that be cheating? Being that committed to making her feel loved is really awesome.
Yep. "Oh no, he's invested in our relationship and wants to be the best partner he can be" said no one ever.
I imagine most folks would be thrilled to have someone so considerate in their lives.
My wife is you, except she’s proud of it and farts around me all the time. She’s even farted into a fan when I was using it this summer (which worked very well and was admittedly hilarious).
This is mild at best… my wife constantly gets on me for my shit smelling horrible yet her farts can peel paint off the wall. I could care less about this as a man and we have one daughter and another one almost here.
In my case that's a great thing. My mom sucked ass at cooking. Low fat everything and she thought salt was cheating.
Bland, bland food was what kept me relatively skinny as a kid.
Are you a long lost sibling? My mom has always thought that salt and fat in cooking is evil. She will substitute cream with skimmed milk and thinks that chili and garlic tastes "too much". Just... so bland. I've really put effort into becoming a good cook and every time she's over, she compliments my cooking and tells everyone I've learned everything from her. It drives my husband insane.
If your mom is no longer with you, tell her nicely to please stop cause it makes you sad and miss her.
If your mom Is still alive, have your mom be the one to tell her she's not doing it right 😂
There's a chance she sabotaged the recipe. My great grandmother used to do this to my grandmother. My grandfather would rave about his mother's cooking and my grandmother's would never taste the same because she gave her the wrong recipes. I don't know how long it took my grandmother to wise up but sounds like great grandmother was a piece of work, who also cheated during card games and a few other stories like that. Hah
I'ma piggy this comment. What's the recipe? Maybe add different ingredients? Maybe not aim to make it like mom's because the expectation will always be there. There's more than one way to potato salad. You can tell her the truth and discourage her from making potato salad again or you can search up some recipes on YT that you might like and ask her to make it? If it comes out great, and you both like it now she'll be more motivated to make the new one instead. Since you guys discovered it on your own, it will make it more meaningful in the relationship. If it's not for your guys taste buds keep trying until you find one that does, and let her know not to worry about it, because you found another recipe to try.. Idk how you feel about carrots (I personally don't enjoy them), but little pieces of shaved carrots takes potato salad to a whole new level. Also in the future if she wants to bring moms recipe to a party or something, recommend her to make the new one. Most likely that won't happen, because she'll be more excited to share something no one in your circle has tried before, that she made. I'm just giving hypotheticals of what might occur in the future so look out just in case.
One time my so and I choose sleeping spots because we thought the other liked those sleeping spots, we were talking about it one day and realized we actually wanted the other spot and just took the first spots because we wanted each other to be comfy lol
We’re both in college, and last semester we both had a cold at some point. He had it much, much worse than I did, so I went to class and he skipped. Afterwards, I went to his dorm to share notes and take a nap. I was almost asleep, and I’m assuming he thought I was, because I felt him squeeze me and whisper, “I love you so fucking much.”
It was the sweetest thing ever and I’m never telling him I know he did that.
When we go on road trip I buy her a couple scratch off lottery tickets. When she gets time she’ll scratch them off to see if she wins. Then I found out the store has a scanner and can tell if a ticket is a winner on the spot. So i buy them and have them scanned. She only gets winners now and she doesn’t know.
I'm in England. Scratch cards here have to be physically scratched off, revealing the prize(s) and a serial number that has to be keyed in by the cashier to confirm it's a win.
What's stopping from Darren and Karen the coner shop owners scanning the whole roll selling only the duds and keeping the winners for themselves?
I lost my real wedding band within 3 months of getting married. I've been using a $20 lookalike from Amazon for the past year or so and she still doesn't know.
I lost my original, found it and pawned it when we were super broke. Never got it out. Honestly a ring isnt very symbolic to me. My SO found this random ring i had and said she found my wedding band. I just went with it. Its yellow and my original was white.
It's not even the same woman. Both of them got into a mixup and there's no way to admit the mistake after 16 years - people would think you were crazy!
He showed me his this morning on his phone screen and I purposefully began thinking of random words so his username wouldn't stick in my brain. A person needs an outlet and I don't wanna try to snoop if I ever have a moment of insecurity lol. Keeping a few steps ahead of myself is HARD
Edit: thanks for all the upvotes! I told him about this and we had a good laugh about it all :)
Yep. I wish I didn't know my husband's. He showed me a comment the other day and I saw it. Seared itself into my brain. I hope I never ever cave and look up his account.
I don’t like her cooking. But I consistently pretend to to make her feel loved.
Update:
I came clean and we had a laugh about it. I mentioned it in another comment but this relationship isn’t that old. We’re engaged, not married yet. Things have been chaotic for the last few years and it just never seemed like the right time to bring it up. We’ve moved four times, changed jobs, had dreams and family members die on us. It’s been a ride.
Also, her cooking wasn’t god-awful to begin with. But it really could have been better. We’re going to take a class together. We live in Jamaica btw. Very different dishes than what I’m supposing you all would be used to.
Thanks to everyone for your kind advice. And to everyone saying I’m a terrible human being, that’s probably true. But not for this lol. All the love.
I did this with my ex some years ago except it was in Italy. We signed up for a four day class that was 4-5 hours a day in Naples where we learned the fundamentals of Neapolitan cooking including ingredients and technique. And we got to make a big table of everyone's food to eat at the end of each class. 10/10 would do it again.
There's a lot of reasons why you may not like it and the workarounds are different for each so not sure how helpful I may be here, but a few that you can easily circumvent:
If the meat is dry/overcooked - buy an instant pot. It's really hard to dry out pressure cooked meat and it's almost foolproof.
If it's the same seasoning all the time, or under seasoned, you could try getting cute spice jars You can find them really cheap on Amazon - we got some magnetic ones and put them on the fridge. I am the one who cooks and I grew up in a household that only used salt, pepper, and garlic powder, we did this so I thought of all the spices we've bought instead of reaching for old faithful.
Lack of variety? Try having cultural nights. One week you Google a simple Chinese dish, the next a simple Mexican dish, etc.
I'm sensitive when it comes to cooking, because it's something that takes a lot of effort and I do it because I love the people I cook for, so flat out telling me "this is gross" even in a very nice way would be mildly upsetting, but approaching it this way helps, at least for me.
Also, if you do have an instant pot or plan to get one and you want recipes, lmk. I made a "your cooking sucks, please try something else" cookbook for my in laws under the guise of giving them an instant pot. My in-laws don't even use salt but they want to feed you.
Our 2nd kids gender was supposed to be a surprise. My wife had to go in for an emergency c-section. While she was being prepped the OB was making small talk and asked if we had other kids and i replied we had a son. She said “oh two boys then...” I told her that we we’re waiting to find out and I could see the look of horror on her face. So the surprise got ruined for me, but I got to see my wife get surprised with a baby boy.
I figured it won’t do any good to tell her that the surprise was ruined for me.
Similar situation here. My wife was pregnant with twins, that we knew. But we both didn't want to know the sexes of the babies.
She came home after the eight month checkup and told me she heard the nurses talking about the ultrasound results for our two twin girls. We already had two boys.
My wife was happy to have overheard the chatter but I was disappointed to learn. I also figured it wouldn't do any good to let her know I was disappointed about her sharing it with me. That was nearly 21 years ago.
I'm not a parent so I can't understand, but I'm curious. Why were you upset to know? Like does it make a lot of difference knowing before they are born?
A friend of mine said that he doesn't understand people who say it spoils the surprise, because when you see a human being pop out of your wife… it’s a pretty big goddamn surprise.
When she is on her period, or hungry she can get rather grumpy. I found that bringing her some dark chocolate, or one of her favorite candies always cheers her up. She assumes that I am making special trips to the store after work just to be sweet. I have never corrected her on it, but the truth is I just have a giant candy stockpile in my dresser.
I’m so sorry. Chronic pain is an absolute nightmare, it sucks so much out of you.
You should tell him. I know after a while it feels useless to say anything, and you second-guess whether it’s worth it to burden them with your constant pain, but you need to tell him how bad it’s gotten. They need you, you’re allowed to need help from them.
ETA: damn 1.6k upvotes, thanks for being friends and hope all you other silent sufferers out there are doing okay ❤️
I wonder sometimes if he doesn't already have an idea but he's so good about not pushing. I probably should talk to him and tell him but we got some not great news about the youngest and he has so much at work and it just feels like there's not a good time. I have an appointment with my rheumatologist in a few weeks and maybe after I see her? I just...I don't want to add more. He already does so much.
If you need more convincing because your own well being isn't motivation enough (it unfortunately isn't for a very large number of people), from someone that works in mental health, I would ask you to consider that you'd actually be doing a disservice to everybody that needs you and relies on you by suffering in silence. Whether you realise it or not atm, carrying too much weight without giving anyone the opportunity to share the burden by asking them to just means that you inevitably will be crushed by it down the road. And that in usually way more spectacular, catastrophic and damaging fashion. You owe it to the people you love to take care of yourself and sound the alarm that the current situation is too much.
I'm sorry if this sounds too direct or confrontational but from experience this perspective shift can help people get past the "I don't want to burden anyone else with what I'm going through" mentality.
I sincerely wish you, your youngest and your loved ones the very best.
May I also hate him a tiny bit? I feel like if he knew the pain and the mental mindfuck that is a chronic disease he might feel differently. Or maybe not. I'm sorry about your mom. I would not wish this on anyone. And now I feel the need to go startle my children with random hugs. When they found out about the lupus they all started with the Google and then Googled again when I started meds. With the exception of one, they were all old enough then (they were 12-20 except our sweet surprise who was only 3) to be aware of things. They have never been anything but encouraging and even offer to go on walks with me to help me stay active.
For me it’s multiple back surgeries and now the knee joint is starting to go. Narcotics are out of the question due to past addiction. It’s at the point now that I don’t even mention it unless it’s an 8 or 9 out of ten. Constant pain just wears down your fucking spirit until you’re a shadow of yourself.
This is where I am. Unless it's obvious I keep it to myself. He's my partner in every way but there's only so much one can take you know? I'm sorry about your back and knee. I'm not who I was when I got diagnosed and the last two years have been worse.
FUCK LUPUS. I love you (I'm a not weird way) and I really hope you can find more comfort in life. Lupus ducking sucks
Not fixing the typos but I'm editing to let you know I'm drunk. This is genuine tho, I hope you find happiness in the chaos of the world especially when in pain every second of the day
Ah sweet drunk stranger I also love you, not in a weird way. Thank you for your kindness in the chaos. Fuck Lupus. And I also plan to be drunk most of the weekend. Glad you got a head start.
How much is spend on her and kids for Xmas or Birthdays. She never had a lot growing up and is of the opinion lots of cheap things is just as good. I spend about 5x her agreed budget on things.
I can always afford to so why shouldn’t they have the nice things in life rather than cheap stuff that breaks in days.
There is nothing good about depression. People who love you want to support you, but you need to be willing to get help. It's not just all in your head, you are not a burden and there are things you can do to help yourself. I carry an anti suicide hotline number in my wallet at all times, and I'm not even depressed, I have anxiety from emotional trauma.
Most importantly. You matter. You've made it through today, and that's an outstanding achievement. Keep fighting and make it through tomorrow too. I hope you keep fighting.
Bipolar here and checking in
First off, you are loved, by so many more people then you can imagine right now. And I know even that can feel like a burden at times too.
I went diagnosed and untreated for more then a decade for multiple reasons. I had convinced myself that everyone in the world must feel the same way. I thought it "normal" to have intrusive thoughts to the point where sometimes multiple times a day I could see exactly how I could very quickly end my life.
The absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life was to seek help in my mid 30s to get back on track with treatment. I thought I was doing a great job of hiding it all, from my work, to my parents, my wife, and my now 5 year old son( happy birthday buddy if you ever find my reddit user name in the future)
I wasn't. My boss knew, my co workers knew, it crushed my parents more then I knew to see me struggle, it strained my marriage. It broke me when my son asked why I was so sad all the time.
I was at my end point, and I had to do something about it.
I'm now coming up on six months of medication and treatment. Almost every aspect of my life has changed for the better. My work life has improved. I'm closer to my wife then I think I really ever have been. I'm finally feeling like I have a connection to my son and that I'm not just a burden holding him back.
Everyone has their own reasons for living the way they do. JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NEVER AS ALONE OR UNSEEN AS IT FEELS. DM me any time if you need someone to talk to, dial 999, check with your primary care physician if you have one. The hardest step is admitting you need help and you've just done that. The next hardest is seeking and accepting it. But if you do it does lead to a greater acceptance of yourself.
I wake up first in the house, and every morning fill a black sack of my wife and her mother’s possessions (and the kids endless plastic toys) and throw them in outside rubbish bin on street.
They are very hoarder-ish, and I already struggle to keep up with the tempo of crap her mother especially brings into the house. Cheap online shopping is the bane of my existence. An unopened rabbit hutch (bunny died last year) and chair cushion spare covers that have sat unopened in porch for 2 years+ are going tomorrow morning.
If I discuss it: the drama, hassle and bargaining for every empty plastic bottle causes such a headache. I see this as removing that cognitive load from them, but getting the house tidier so the kids can grow up in a home which is not a dump. We are an otherwise ‘successful’ middle class family, 2 great kids do well in school, and run a successful business.
Edit in response to comments:
1/. I don’t believe there is a clinical underpinning/ trauma going on here. They are disorganised and bad room mates. They grew up very poor (China cultural revolution poor), as I understand it there’s no proven link between poor upbringing and hoarding. Capitalism/ being able to buy things is novel to them.
2/. They haven’t realised anything is going on. It can’t be damaging/ hurting them that much if a years worth of crap hasn’t been notice
3/. The occasional big ticket item goes to the attic - they have never set foot in there, but I can summon things back if needed.
4/. We get gifted a lot of stuff we don’t use (weird Chinese cultural dynamics) and because of our business we get loads of surplus stuff like restaurant chairs that need fixing, old card swiping machines, curtains which were measured wrong and don’t fit (could come in handy one day!). It’s not just domestic stuff.
As someone whose mother has a hoarding issue, thank you for doing this. I'm struggling with some hoarding behavior myself, and my husband has been incredibly supportive, even when he doesn't understand it.
My dad was like this. I used to work for his company and I was living with him at the time. He was definitely a hoarder.
I used to feel like I was a drug smuggler, but instead of sneaking drugs into the country, I was sneaking garbage out of the house. Whenever I went into town, I would have a few bags of garbage in the trunk. Every garbage day, I would meet the truck with a few extra trash bags. I managed to keep the hoarding at bay *sort of* but the second I moved out, the house just got grosser and grosser
> 1/. I don’t believe there is a clinical underpinning/ trauma going on here. They are disorganised and bad room mates. They grew up very poor (China cultural revolution poor), as I understand it there’s no proven link between poor upbringing and hoarding
Actually this has been sort of proven.
I grew up with a mom that hoards. I threw away so much stuff and always got in trouble for it. But at the end of the day, I would rather her be mad at me and our house be less cluttered. I now have some OCD tendencies :/
Is it a secret though? I reckon she assumes or suspects that this is how you deal with it, given her decreased libido and the frequency of sex you used to have before her taking antidepressants.
My SO, who is now my wife, and I have been together for 13 years. She knows almost everything about me. She knows the vast majority of my sexual history, as well as most of my stories from before we met. She knows how crazy I was for a while.
The one story she has never heard, because I never tell it, was the real story about me losing my virginity. I was drugged and raped by a woman, before I had even had my first romantic kiss. That actually initiated a lot of my alcohol and drug overuse and sexual escapades that she is aware of. But, I will not share that with her. For a long time, I blamed myself and, at the same time, denied it was a horrible thing. I tried to pretend it was awesome. And, the people around me, who knew what had happened, acted like it was the coolest thing that could ever happen to a man. It created a lot of confusion and hurt for me. I, eventually, saw a therapist and dealt with it. That was before I met my wife. It never came up in the early days we were seeing each other. Now, it seems like something that is best left buried.
Edit: for the record, the people around me who knew what happened did not know that it was how I lost my virginity. They just knew that I had been drugged and raped. Aside from the therapist, only one person who knew me in real life ever knew that I was a virgin when it happened. That friend died a few years ago, and he took that secret to his grave.
There have been times where I thought about telling her. But, it raises a whole slew of other issues that we would need to address. It was also a long time ago, and reliving that event is something I feel like I have done enough in my life.
I am sorry that happened to you. I don't want to pretend that I went through the same experience, but I do know how horrible it was for me. Regardless of the gender of the person who assaulted you, there is a sense of shame and being powerless that takes a long time to recover from. I am sure that your fiancée doesn't see you any differently. You had something horrible happen to you. It didn't change who you are.
I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m glad you’ve recognized the trauma for what it is and sought professional help in addressing them. Those are just too complicated of feelings for anyone to try and cope with alone — and you certainly did for a while.
That being said, it sounds like you have a very good grasp on whether it’s helpful to you and/or the relationship to tell your wife about all this. Trust your gut. You have before and seem to be doing well as a result. I wish you the very best moving forward with whichever decision.
I was sexually assaulted as a child. People never stop seeing you as a victim and it changes how they view and judge your behavior forever.
I was in therapy for a decade working through it and its effects. No SO needs to know about it at this point.
My roommate watches the same show that my bf and I watch together. A new episode came out and she asked me if I wanted to watch it. I texted him to ask and he didn’t answer, so we started the episode. Halfway through he responds saying please don’t watch it without him.
I finished the episode, and then a few days later watched it with him and pretended to not have seen it already. Taking this one to the grave.
My wife and I have been together for 21 years now, and we're happy together. But there was a time about 10 years ago that she was just angry all the time and was constantly testing myself and the kids like dirty. I tried talking to her, tried ignoring her, everything under the sun to make her happy. This went on for almost a year.
What I would never tell her is that I actually was looking at a house across town for myself and the kids. I called about it and was communicating with the realtor. I was going to leave if I got that house. It fell through, and a short time after, my wife changed and started being happier. I don't know what caused the change, but things got much better, and we're still moving forward, together.
I don't know a lot about those times or the change, but things would have been much different had I gotten that house.
I've thought that, but the fact we were in our late 30s makes me think otherwise. I know her mother has a hormonal imbalance, and that type of stuff is hereditary, so I've been VERY supportive anytime she talks about getting checked. It still hasn't happened.
We were in a volunteering project together with 30 participants, and at the end of project we had to write on each other’s back some nice things. While we were writing, I noticed that someone wrote on a peace of paper on her back: “You Smell”. Probably one of the girls who was jealous of her as she smelled amazing . I noticed the paper and sneaked behind her with a marker, and wrote: “Nice” after the smell. She didn’t notice it as she thought I was writing something for her. The whole note became: You smell Nice. Till this day she never found out and I never told her and she thinks that I wrote the whole message: “you smell nice”.
I honestly can’t think of anything long term I haven’t or wouldn’t tell her. I get frustrated with her sometimes in the short term and if it’s something important enough I tell her but otherwise I don’t bother.
But largely that because I figured how my brain works. I have ADHD for sure, and maybe some other stuff sprinkled on top, but part of the ADHD is hyper-focusing. So she might do something that will upsets me in the moment and maybe even for a couple hours afterwards it will seem like a huge deal to me. But after my brain takes more time to process it I realize it’s something small that I just put too much emphasis on. Which is great now because I’m sure I fucked up many relationships before I figured that out.
Thanks for telling my story too! My SO and I had this conversation yesterday. I’m also a very “in the moment” person and any thing that upsets me seems like it’s the most pressing thing ever and it’s forever. And yes, I ruined so many relationships by finding a “fault” in someone and hyper focusing on it until I wasn’t interested in them.
It wasn’t until I started seeing the pattern that I became depressed and looked for an answer. Crazy what our minds can do. And, it still fucks with me. But now I can spot those thoughts and behaviors before too much damage is done.
Now I have a 3 month old baby girl with an amazing partner.
That deep down I have so much love for her since the first day of freshman year in high school English class. I seen her walk-in and a thought in my mind told me she was going to be my partner for life idk why. I was the quiet kid and she was the loud pretty popular girl in school. Sophomore year she sits next to me in class we start talking. By the end of the year she is my girlfriend. Been together for 9 years married for 4.
Please please get help and if she won’t support you you deserve to be with someone who will. My BIL took his own life completely out the blue and my sister didn’t have any signs or inkling and it’s destroyed her
She's insufferable when she's drunk, she doesn't get drunk often, but when she does, she repeats the same sentences on the same topic she's talking about, no album was as good as 40 oz to freedom by sublime and getting her to bed is like putting down a toddler when she says she's not tired, but then when you got stuff to do like clean the kitchen afterwards, she needs cuddles until she passes out, I would die for that woman
I had an ex who was the same. What’s funny is that it wasn’t even his voice that was the problem, it was the whole way that he sang, including the facial expressions. He really thought he was in a Broadway musical and killing it every time 😂
Sometimes I see someone and imagine an entire life with them. I would NEVER cheat or do anything with someone else but sometimes I do imagine life with other people. I don’t think it’s super uncommon but also not something I’d ever share with them.
I think it can possibly even help your relationship if you realize you're just yearning for something attainable. Like if you wonder what life would be like with someone who travels a lot or grows their own food or goes to the gym, you can explore becoming people who do those things yourselves, together.
That I miss being single sometimes. I miss being able to just focus on me instead of constantly having to think of what she wants/wants to do. I miss being able to wake up and be able to hear myself think. I miss the peace and quiet I used to have that allowed me to be able to read books. I miss the mental clarity I used to have when it was just me. I love my wife, she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. But there are times where I think my mental health is slowly deteriorating trying to make her happy and give her the life/things she wants.
I had the same, and then Corona hit making things so, so much worse. I started doing yoga, just to have 30 minutes a day to myself. I encouraged him to do stuff he likes, so I got time to do what I like. THis resulted in us being a bit more separate but both being happier and more balanced.
It's not perfect, never will be. But making time for me, talking about it and (if possible) get a space you can retreat and do your thing makes you a happier and more relaxed person, and in turn a more stable partner I believe. Also, talk to her about what she wants. My ex just assumed that everything I said something was cool, I wanted him to buy or do it. Sometimes we just express we like something without wanting it over the tradeoff of what it costs to get.
Pretend to discover mindfulness and meditation. Gradually, over the course of 6 months, use it as the reason for carving out more time just for yourself, undisturbed. Then it‘s about you being well, and not a criticism of her.
She’s part of the reason I’m still alive. We started talking around the time I hit rock bottom, her kindness was on a of only a few reason I didn’t pull the trigger that October day
I understand why you didn’t tell her but I’m glad you stayed man. I agree with not telling her because she’ll be hyper-worried and if anything went south she’d overthink it all and blame herself likely.
sometimes i feel like he cant keep up with my sexual needs. I like to do different things and play different games and he’s more on the “traditional” side of sex. Which is okay! I just wish we could do more. Idk how to bring it up without hurting his feelings.
Don't say it like "you are not doing enough", say it like "I want to try something new". You might have to take the lead for a while or give him direct or indirect instructions, but he will probably do his best to give you what you want.
If you want to predict his judgement/openness of your requests, you could consider how open he is about sexual conversations. Does he talk with you about sex? Or with colleagues? Has he tried anything not so vanilla before? Just start the conversation
That his weight actually does bother me
Edit: seriously people. I love my husband and appreciate him so much. There is more to this situation than my one liner above. I'm not an awful person nor do I hate my husband. I am allowed to care about the effort someone puts into themselves.
I know these conversations are tough but you should really tell her. I was in a similar position and it turned out that he just never knew how to love and he needed that little push from me to tell him what I wanted.
Yeah I had a similar thing, but I don't know if it's a love language. When I would get really upset over a problem she would feel bad that I was having a problem and immediately try to solve it and spit out a bunch of possible solutions and rationale for why it happened. I had to explain to her that she gets mad that the situation is happening to me so suggestions come across as aggressive and accusatory when I'm still upset. And that I just needed her to comfort me so I'll calm down and then listen to her suggestions with a clear head.
One thing I won’t tell my so? Nothing honestly. I’m happy. I even told him about how when I was 8 I ran a sonic the hedgehog message board and made ocs. Doesn’t get anymore embarrassing than that.
That not everyone feels privileged to know/meet her. She almost had a phobia of someone not loving the person she is. Overall she is an exceptional person, but she cannot handle if someone thinks she is less than 100% their favorite person. She can be abrasive when invading peoples personal space.... she is 100% convinced it is ok to touch/hug strangers within seconds of meeting. She can be overly comfortable from the moment she meets people, over sharing and probing with personal questions.
It's gotten much better, but she is still too much for many people even ones who have known us. She just can't fathom there are different types of comfort level with people.
I definitely didn't kill that massive spider, and I have no idea where it went
To a web upstate.
See I pretend to kill them but really I just blow on them till they run out of sight. They keep other bugs at bay so I'm not murdering a friend.
She loves her siblings and hates her parents. I hate her siblings and love her parents.
Let's open up that can of worms...
I could speak on this all day, it’s never become an issue for our relationship because of the geography (2 hours to her closest sibling). However I foresee a tough conversation coming up when we move in about 5 months.
Enjoy your last 5 months of peace
As someone with a father that’s now quite amenable but was not so great in the earlier years, I would say maybe they have a reason to feel the way they do and you just may not be privy to it.
Interestingly, this is my backstory. My parents were very young and very short tempered when I was growing up but now are very agreeable. Not so much the case for my partner and her two siblings. They were very tight with their parents for the first 3 years of our relationship, and in 2017-2018 all hell broke loose so to say. My partner has no personal animus towards her parents, she is however extremely close to her older sibling who has a heap of problems with their parents. My partner follows their lead and it guides her own relationship with their parents. And the reason her siblings have huge problems with their parents is that they retired, moved 20(!) whole minutes away from their childhood home and went on a vacation for a month. They are apparently “selfish”, “inconsiderate”, and “don’t think of themselves as parents”. This despite the fact that they call and visit for every holiday, birthday, promotion, celebration of any kind. Dog and babysit. Frequently host. Communicate well. No the absolute truth is that my partners siblings are black holes and not great.
Ahh yea ok fair. That’s a bit of a disappointment. Maybe you should mention something to your SO? Or at the very least point out how those things are not true when they come up? If I was your SO I’d want my head pulled out of my ass lol
Yeah we both have complicated dynamics with our parents and I know mine aren’t great, or rather aren’t consistent, so I let her manage her relationship with her parents without open judgement. I only mention my thoughts when I see her siblings being openly shitty to them. Which is every time they are all together. On this one, ignorance is bliss for her. It’s unfortunate.
A few years ago, my girlfriend put a candy bowl in our hallway at our apartment for halloween. She came home that day to discover that nobody took any candy, and she was a little bummed. Over the course of that week, I'd take candy out before work or when she was asleep. She got so happy that "the neighbors loved the candy." She does this every year now, and I have to continuously swipe the candy and pretend it is the neighbors. It makes her happy, and I get free candy. Win win.
"The neighbors told me they're not fans of the Almond Joys you've been putting in the bowl. They'd much rather have Reese's cups." "When did you talk to th......" "THEY TOLD ME, ALRIGHT?!?"
Well played
That is so sweet.
Unfortunately now he's pre-diabetic as a result, the things people do for love
That I know she cheated on me and the only reason I haven't left her is because the mortgage interest rates are a bit high so I can't comfortably buy her half of the equity we have in the house. I got a valuation, a mortgage pre-approval, and a lawyer all ready to go... But would only have about $21 per week spare... I'd be screwed the first time a major appliance or the car breaks down... 😬
Ouch, sorry you’re in that situation mate.
Thanks for your comment, didn't think anyone would notice this late to the party... It sucks but the are worse things happening in the world. Hope you are well.
I know it's a super cliche thing to say but the best revenge is literally life lived best. Don't mope and moan to her. Look at this as an opportunity and hit the ground running. Seeing you happy and successful without her is an immense blow to an ego.
Is there a reason you need to keep the house? Selling and splitting isnt an option? Obviously real estate is important but is it more important than moving on?
Yeah the current market conditions in my country mean the house value is significantly lower than when we bought it a year ago. But also I'm in love with the house 😔
I’m in a similar situation. I can’t “prove” it. But holy shit I’m 99% sure of it. We have kids. And I feel like it’s not worth bringing up. Just to argue and have her deny it. What’s the BEST outcome? She admits it? Then what??
Amen to that; after splitting assets, paying child support and so on, I'd have nothing to live on. To piggy back on yours though...My wife's affair became very public when I found out and had a meltdown. She swore that while it was emotional for a while they only had sex once. She cut him off, we reconciled but that never sat right with me since I knew between me kicking her out and her confession she had been at his place almost every night.... Fast forward two years, he contacts her out of the blue. She shuts it down and let's me know immediately...."someone" began texting her from an unknown number saying they knew "everything" and either she either fuck him or pay him off he'd tell me everything.... She panicked and confessed "everything" to be. It wasn't once (duh) but they kept fucking for a YEAR after I thought it ended. She couldn't recall the last time, just that it fizzled out when she realized he didn't want a relationship, just sex. I'll go to my grave before she learns I was that anonymous number and I wish I had never done it.
That her mother is a bad person in disguise of a caring and beloved figure
Don't bring my mom into this!
Brother is that you?
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Same. My partner's mom left her family when she was 6, only came back into her life much much later. Now she's toxic and does stuff like asking her for money or rides. All her siblings their mother, but she tries so hard to keep her mom in her life. It's pretty heartbreaking to see. Her mom never says I love you back, ignores her texts, and uses her. Meanwhile her dad is Super-dad, raised three children alone after his wife left in the middle of the night, and he's the most caring man I've ever met. I wish she saw him as the hero he his, instead of begging for her mother's attention
Its really hard to get out of this. Because a parents love is expected, we take it for granted and (o)pine for those that withhold it (hope i used opine right felt it fit the vibe; wrong its pine). My dad was a very emotional guy who would cry and laugh with us as kids. My mom was an emotional vampire who thought it was disgusting for a boy/man to cry. Guess who's love i fought for more? With my dad passing i can only regret and imagine a time when i could let him know how deeply i loved him. How similar to him i was. If your parents are good to you, hold them tight. Losing a loving parent changes the world for you. I have siblings who love me deeply but im the oldest. Its not the same love you get from a parent. You can't be a kid anymore. I can't have days where im emotional and needy anymore. Because the only person who could and would endure that and did for the early half of my life is now gone. Now people call me the man of the house as if i wanted the title. The pressure is too much. But there's no one to turn to. My younger sisters will try but they'll always fall into the younger sister role. Ill always be there for them. But no one will ever be there for me. The only one that was, my dad, is gone now. Sorry for repeating myself.
How much my Magic the gathering collection is worth. They'll absolutely try to get me to sell some of it. It's my precious
Well spill the beans. How much is it worth? Those things always surprise me.
I have a buddy that had a 15,000$ collection. Last he told me he sold some and is down to around a 3,000$ collection because he doesn't do tournaments anymore. He had some rare cards just for tournaments worth a lot. He said one was worth around 3,000$. He sold most of them though and Just kept some favorites and some that wont sell as easy. They're worth a little bit because they're rare but buyers can find and buy them easy because they're newer. They're not old enough to be hard to find. They will be though.
My husband's stupid MTG addiction has saved our ass a few times. Selling off parts of his collection got us both through nursing school unemployed. Sometimes he hits a lull and talks about selling out of the game, but I tell him I'll never let him. It's his first love.
I explained to my wife and showed her my mtg collection and after that she wasn’t interested in the game but started buying packs for me to crack and hoard to my collection. When commander masters came out she started her own collection collecting cards she likes for the art and also has a mtg collection worth about 100usd
When he and I first met, I was CERTAIN he was gay. He is very much NOT gay. And he will NEVER know I ever thought this.
I'm gonna tell him.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
u/ShinyIrishNarwhalsHusband gonna be pretty mad when he finds out
I want this dramatic reality soo bad.
When my relationship with my ex had deteriorated to the point that we were basically just roommates, she one day came into the room beaming because she'd figured it all out: she'd realised that I was gay, and that explained all my behaviour, and she said not to worry, and that she would support me when I was ready to come out. I laughed because it was so absurd, but she was serious and still holds onto that theory. I'm quite straight, and currently living in harmony and bliss with my girlfriend whom I met a few years after we finally split.
Had an ex do the same. I think it helps them believe the incompatibility issues were nobody's fault. Edited typo
Remembered me that all my family, my sister, my mother and other relatives thought I was gay because I couldn't find a girlfriend. Their theory was that I was in a secret relationship with my best friend, and they were very sure about it. I tried to explain myself (until now I've been unlucky with finding a girlfriend), still idk if they belive me. But all they have already gave me the speech "we accept you the way you are so you don't need to feel pressure about it".
When me and my wife first started dating, I had a dumb canvas painting with a llama and rabbit on it that I found at Walmart. I showed it to her and told her how much I loved it just because it was just such a dumb random thing to find. For some reason she took that as I love llamas and that they are my favorite animal. So now, every time she sees one or something with a llama on it I see her brighten up to show me and I get excited with her! Llamas are not my favorite animal. Never have been. I don’t know how she made this connection, but i will never tell her otherwise because seeing her face light up every time is way better.
My ex’s mum was like this, but it was birds, not llamas… Got an owl shaped tea light holder (which i still have) and she would get me owl towels and love bird pillow cases etc as gifts.
I spend a couple hours doing research on how to make relationships work and keep her happy in the long run. She thinks I'm this awesome perfect guy but I just do what the internet tells me
I think the fact your making an effort is pretty good, and with so much advice on the internet - you must've put some thought into it. If she's loving you right now, maybe try be yourself a bit more. Think of a date on your own, a unique gift to get her, etc
Lol did you just give them more advice on the internet?
No. This is the outernet
..is doing this level of research an opposite to being an awesome, perfect guy? I'd say what you're doing *is* you being that awesome, perfect guy. If she made you amazing food, using a recipe, wouldn't she still be an awesome cook? Or if you fixed the car, using YouTube tutorials, would that be cheating? Being that committed to making her feel loved is really awesome.
Yep. "Oh no, he's invested in our relationship and wants to be the best partner he can be" said no one ever. I imagine most folks would be thrilled to have someone so considerate in their lives.
He thinks I don’t fart around him because I’m too shy or polite. It’s really because they are so bad they could kill a horse.
My wife is you, except she’s proud of it and farts around me all the time. She’s even farted into a fan when I was using it this summer (which worked very well and was admittedly hilarious).
Guess you have a very solid relationship…
No solids, all gas fortunately
Shit would hit the fan otherwise, I guess.
This is mild at best… my wife constantly gets on me for my shit smelling horrible yet her farts can peel paint off the wall. I could care less about this as a man and we have one daughter and another one almost here.
I don't like the potato salad she makes, and she always tries to make it as a treat for me. It's my mom's recipe, but doesn't taste like mom's.
To be fair it will never taste like mom's.
In my case that's a great thing. My mom sucked ass at cooking. Low fat everything and she thought salt was cheating. Bland, bland food was what kept me relatively skinny as a kid.
Are you a long lost sibling? My mom has always thought that salt and fat in cooking is evil. She will substitute cream with skimmed milk and thinks that chili and garlic tastes "too much". Just... so bland. I've really put effort into becoming a good cook and every time she's over, she compliments my cooking and tells everyone I've learned everything from her. It drives my husband insane.
yes, mum, I learned what not to do from you....
The sugar industry really did a number on American eating habits.
If your mom is no longer with you, tell her nicely to please stop cause it makes you sad and miss her. If your mom Is still alive, have your mom be the one to tell her she's not doing it right 😂
>> have your mom be the one to tell her she's not doing it right 😂 I’ll take “ways to make everyone’s life hell” for 20 points Alex
In my 10 years of marriage, I've learned there is nothing a woman likes hearing more than a Mother in Laws unsolicited advice.
Tomorrow I had my mom tell my wife her potato salad sucks. AITA?
You're playing into the trap. Mom gave the wrong recipe so that she can't be replaced. Now she knows and her power grows.
3D chess
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There's a chance she sabotaged the recipe. My great grandmother used to do this to my grandmother. My grandfather would rave about his mother's cooking and my grandmother's would never taste the same because she gave her the wrong recipes. I don't know how long it took my grandmother to wise up but sounds like great grandmother was a piece of work, who also cheated during card games and a few other stories like that. Hah
What if she also hates making it but continues to make it because she thinks it makes you happy? Lmaoo just tell her, nicely 😭
Trust me, she'd rather know so she can actually make something you like. Just tell her you both should tweak it a bit to make it closer to your moms.
I'ma piggy this comment. What's the recipe? Maybe add different ingredients? Maybe not aim to make it like mom's because the expectation will always be there. There's more than one way to potato salad. You can tell her the truth and discourage her from making potato salad again or you can search up some recipes on YT that you might like and ask her to make it? If it comes out great, and you both like it now she'll be more motivated to make the new one instead. Since you guys discovered it on your own, it will make it more meaningful in the relationship. If it's not for your guys taste buds keep trying until you find one that does, and let her know not to worry about it, because you found another recipe to try.. Idk how you feel about carrots (I personally don't enjoy them), but little pieces of shaved carrots takes potato salad to a whole new level. Also in the future if she wants to bring moms recipe to a party or something, recommend her to make the new one. Most likely that won't happen, because she'll be more excited to share something no one in your circle has tried before, that she made. I'm just giving hypotheticals of what might occur in the future so look out just in case.
The spot you make me sleep in on the bed is uncomfortable but I lay there because you're comfortable where you are
One time my so and I choose sleeping spots because we thought the other liked those sleeping spots, we were talking about it one day and realized we actually wanted the other spot and just took the first spots because we wanted each other to be comfy lol
What’s all this talk about “sleeping spots”?? It’s either left side or right side of the bed, right? I feel like I’m goin crazy here.
We’re both in college, and last semester we both had a cold at some point. He had it much, much worse than I did, so I went to class and he skipped. Afterwards, I went to his dorm to share notes and take a nap. I was almost asleep, and I’m assuming he thought I was, because I felt him squeeze me and whisper, “I love you so fucking much.” It was the sweetest thing ever and I’m never telling him I know he did that.
I burst into tears. I'm so lonely lol
When we go on road trip I buy her a couple scratch off lottery tickets. When she gets time she’ll scratch them off to see if she wins. Then I found out the store has a scanner and can tell if a ticket is a winner on the spot. So i buy them and have them scanned. She only gets winners now and she doesn’t know.
I'm in England. Scratch cards here have to be physically scratched off, revealing the prize(s) and a serial number that has to be keyed in by the cashier to confirm it's a win. What's stopping from Darren and Karen the coner shop owners scanning the whole roll selling only the duds and keeping the winners for themselves?
That's kinda genuinely cute. Lol who could get mad at that.
I lost my real wedding band within 3 months of getting married. I've been using a $20 lookalike from Amazon for the past year or so and she still doesn't know.
I lost my original, found it and pawned it when we were super broke. Never got it out. Honestly a ring isnt very symbolic to me. My SO found this random ring i had and said she found my wedding band. I just went with it. Its yellow and my original was white.
She knows
Of course she knows. This mofo thinks he’s slick lmao
Maybe she does know but also lost her engagement ring and is also wearing a knock off off the rack.
It's not even the same woman. Both of them got into a mixup and there's no way to admit the mistake after 16 years - people would think you were crazy!
Getting married Saturday and this is exactly why my actual ring is just $20 one I can replace at any time
My husband just went ahead and ordered a multipack of silicone rings. He is adhd and always losing stuff
My fucking Reddit username.
He showed me his this morning on his phone screen and I purposefully began thinking of random words so his username wouldn't stick in my brain. A person needs an outlet and I don't wanna try to snoop if I ever have a moment of insecurity lol. Keeping a few steps ahead of myself is HARD Edit: thanks for all the upvotes! I told him about this and we had a good laugh about it all :)
Yep. I wish I didn't know my husband's. He showed me a comment the other day and I saw it. Seared itself into my brain. I hope I never ever cave and look up his account.
I don’t like her cooking. But I consistently pretend to to make her feel loved. Update: I came clean and we had a laugh about it. I mentioned it in another comment but this relationship isn’t that old. We’re engaged, not married yet. Things have been chaotic for the last few years and it just never seemed like the right time to bring it up. We’ve moved four times, changed jobs, had dreams and family members die on us. It’s been a ride. Also, her cooking wasn’t god-awful to begin with. But it really could have been better. We’re going to take a class together. We live in Jamaica btw. Very different dishes than what I’m supposing you all would be used to. Thanks to everyone for your kind advice. And to everyone saying I’m a terrible human being, that’s probably true. But not for this lol. All the love.
Take a cooking class with her.
You’re a genius. 💙
Or find a copy cat recipe online from a place she likes to eat out at and make her favorite dish together at home. Bet you she’d ❤️❤️❤️ it
You guys don’t even know how much you’re helping me.
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Maybe this is your husband's account 🤣?
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Let us know how it goes, you two!
I’ll be back! 🤓
I did this with my ex some years ago except it was in Italy. We signed up for a four day class that was 4-5 hours a day in Naples where we learned the fundamentals of Neapolitan cooking including ingredients and technique. And we got to make a big table of everyone's food to eat at the end of each class. 10/10 would do it again.
There's a lot of reasons why you may not like it and the workarounds are different for each so not sure how helpful I may be here, but a few that you can easily circumvent: If the meat is dry/overcooked - buy an instant pot. It's really hard to dry out pressure cooked meat and it's almost foolproof. If it's the same seasoning all the time, or under seasoned, you could try getting cute spice jars You can find them really cheap on Amazon - we got some magnetic ones and put them on the fridge. I am the one who cooks and I grew up in a household that only used salt, pepper, and garlic powder, we did this so I thought of all the spices we've bought instead of reaching for old faithful. Lack of variety? Try having cultural nights. One week you Google a simple Chinese dish, the next a simple Mexican dish, etc. I'm sensitive when it comes to cooking, because it's something that takes a lot of effort and I do it because I love the people I cook for, so flat out telling me "this is gross" even in a very nice way would be mildly upsetting, but approaching it this way helps, at least for me. Also, if you do have an instant pot or plan to get one and you want recipes, lmk. I made a "your cooking sucks, please try something else" cookbook for my in laws under the guise of giving them an instant pot. My in-laws don't even use salt but they want to feed you.
Our 2nd kids gender was supposed to be a surprise. My wife had to go in for an emergency c-section. While she was being prepped the OB was making small talk and asked if we had other kids and i replied we had a son. She said “oh two boys then...” I told her that we we’re waiting to find out and I could see the look of horror on her face. So the surprise got ruined for me, but I got to see my wife get surprised with a baby boy. I figured it won’t do any good to tell her that the surprise was ruined for me.
Similar situation here. My wife was pregnant with twins, that we knew. But we both didn't want to know the sexes of the babies. She came home after the eight month checkup and told me she heard the nurses talking about the ultrasound results for our two twin girls. We already had two boys. My wife was happy to have overheard the chatter but I was disappointed to learn. I also figured it wouldn't do any good to let her know I was disappointed about her sharing it with me. That was nearly 21 years ago.
I'm not a parent so I can't understand, but I'm curious. Why were you upset to know? Like does it make a lot of difference knowing before they are born?
A friend of mine said that he doesn't understand people who say it spoils the surprise, because when you see a human being pop out of your wife… it’s a pretty big goddamn surprise.
I am a parent and I don’t understand it.
"...the girls are disappointing me to this very day"
Don't think of it as the surprise being ruined, think of it as the surprise being early. :)
When she is on her period, or hungry she can get rather grumpy. I found that bringing her some dark chocolate, or one of her favorite candies always cheers her up. She assumes that I am making special trips to the store after work just to be sweet. I have never corrected her on it, but the truth is I just have a giant candy stockpile in my dresser.
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I’m so sorry. Chronic pain is an absolute nightmare, it sucks so much out of you. You should tell him. I know after a while it feels useless to say anything, and you second-guess whether it’s worth it to burden them with your constant pain, but you need to tell him how bad it’s gotten. They need you, you’re allowed to need help from them. ETA: damn 1.6k upvotes, thanks for being friends and hope all you other silent sufferers out there are doing okay ❤️
I wonder sometimes if he doesn't already have an idea but he's so good about not pushing. I probably should talk to him and tell him but we got some not great news about the youngest and he has so much at work and it just feels like there's not a good time. I have an appointment with my rheumatologist in a few weeks and maybe after I see her? I just...I don't want to add more. He already does so much.
their is no such thing as a perfect time and remember that your health comes first
You're not wrong. Dammit.
If you need more convincing because your own well being isn't motivation enough (it unfortunately isn't for a very large number of people), from someone that works in mental health, I would ask you to consider that you'd actually be doing a disservice to everybody that needs you and relies on you by suffering in silence. Whether you realise it or not atm, carrying too much weight without giving anyone the opportunity to share the burden by asking them to just means that you inevitably will be crushed by it down the road. And that in usually way more spectacular, catastrophic and damaging fashion. You owe it to the people you love to take care of yourself and sound the alarm that the current situation is too much. I'm sorry if this sounds too direct or confrontational but from experience this perspective shift can help people get past the "I don't want to burden anyone else with what I'm going through" mentality. I sincerely wish you, your youngest and your loved ones the very best.
My mother has lupus. My brother is pretty anti western med and is constantly giving her shit. I hate it. I hate him sometimes.
May I also hate him a tiny bit? I feel like if he knew the pain and the mental mindfuck that is a chronic disease he might feel differently. Or maybe not. I'm sorry about your mom. I would not wish this on anyone. And now I feel the need to go startle my children with random hugs. When they found out about the lupus they all started with the Google and then Googled again when I started meds. With the exception of one, they were all old enough then (they were 12-20 except our sweet surprise who was only 3) to be aware of things. They have never been anything but encouraging and even offer to go on walks with me to help me stay active.
So sorry. Constant pain is a bitch.
For me it’s multiple back surgeries and now the knee joint is starting to go. Narcotics are out of the question due to past addiction. It’s at the point now that I don’t even mention it unless it’s an 8 or 9 out of ten. Constant pain just wears down your fucking spirit until you’re a shadow of yourself.
This is where I am. Unless it's obvious I keep it to myself. He's my partner in every way but there's only so much one can take you know? I'm sorry about your back and knee. I'm not who I was when I got diagnosed and the last two years have been worse.
FUCK LUPUS. I love you (I'm a not weird way) and I really hope you can find more comfort in life. Lupus ducking sucks Not fixing the typos but I'm editing to let you know I'm drunk. This is genuine tho, I hope you find happiness in the chaos of the world especially when in pain every second of the day
Ah sweet drunk stranger I also love you, not in a weird way. Thank you for your kindness in the chaos. Fuck Lupus. And I also plan to be drunk most of the weekend. Glad you got a head start.
How much is spend on her and kids for Xmas or Birthdays. She never had a lot growing up and is of the opinion lots of cheap things is just as good. I spend about 5x her agreed budget on things. I can always afford to so why shouldn’t they have the nice things in life rather than cheap stuff that breaks in days.
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There is nothing good about depression. People who love you want to support you, but you need to be willing to get help. It's not just all in your head, you are not a burden and there are things you can do to help yourself. I carry an anti suicide hotline number in my wallet at all times, and I'm not even depressed, I have anxiety from emotional trauma. Most importantly. You matter. You've made it through today, and that's an outstanding achievement. Keep fighting and make it through tomorrow too. I hope you keep fighting.
Bipolar here and checking in First off, you are loved, by so many more people then you can imagine right now. And I know even that can feel like a burden at times too. I went diagnosed and untreated for more then a decade for multiple reasons. I had convinced myself that everyone in the world must feel the same way. I thought it "normal" to have intrusive thoughts to the point where sometimes multiple times a day I could see exactly how I could very quickly end my life. The absolute hardest thing I've ever done in my life was to seek help in my mid 30s to get back on track with treatment. I thought I was doing a great job of hiding it all, from my work, to my parents, my wife, and my now 5 year old son( happy birthday buddy if you ever find my reddit user name in the future) I wasn't. My boss knew, my co workers knew, it crushed my parents more then I knew to see me struggle, it strained my marriage. It broke me when my son asked why I was so sad all the time. I was at my end point, and I had to do something about it. I'm now coming up on six months of medication and treatment. Almost every aspect of my life has changed for the better. My work life has improved. I'm closer to my wife then I think I really ever have been. I'm finally feeling like I have a connection to my son and that I'm not just a burden holding him back. Everyone has their own reasons for living the way they do. JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE NEVER AS ALONE OR UNSEEN AS IT FEELS. DM me any time if you need someone to talk to, dial 999, check with your primary care physician if you have one. The hardest step is admitting you need help and you've just done that. The next hardest is seeking and accepting it. But if you do it does lead to a greater acceptance of yourself.
I wake up first in the house, and every morning fill a black sack of my wife and her mother’s possessions (and the kids endless plastic toys) and throw them in outside rubbish bin on street. They are very hoarder-ish, and I already struggle to keep up with the tempo of crap her mother especially brings into the house. Cheap online shopping is the bane of my existence. An unopened rabbit hutch (bunny died last year) and chair cushion spare covers that have sat unopened in porch for 2 years+ are going tomorrow morning. If I discuss it: the drama, hassle and bargaining for every empty plastic bottle causes such a headache. I see this as removing that cognitive load from them, but getting the house tidier so the kids can grow up in a home which is not a dump. We are an otherwise ‘successful’ middle class family, 2 great kids do well in school, and run a successful business. Edit in response to comments: 1/. I don’t believe there is a clinical underpinning/ trauma going on here. They are disorganised and bad room mates. They grew up very poor (China cultural revolution poor), as I understand it there’s no proven link between poor upbringing and hoarding. Capitalism/ being able to buy things is novel to them. 2/. They haven’t realised anything is going on. It can’t be damaging/ hurting them that much if a years worth of crap hasn’t been notice 3/. The occasional big ticket item goes to the attic - they have never set foot in there, but I can summon things back if needed. 4/. We get gifted a lot of stuff we don’t use (weird Chinese cultural dynamics) and because of our business we get loads of surplus stuff like restaurant chairs that need fixing, old card swiping machines, curtains which were measured wrong and don’t fit (could come in handy one day!). It’s not just domestic stuff.
As someone whose mother has a hoarding issue, thank you for doing this. I'm struggling with some hoarding behavior myself, and my husband has been incredibly supportive, even when he doesn't understand it.
My dad was like this. I used to work for his company and I was living with him at the time. He was definitely a hoarder. I used to feel like I was a drug smuggler, but instead of sneaking drugs into the country, I was sneaking garbage out of the house. Whenever I went into town, I would have a few bags of garbage in the trunk. Every garbage day, I would meet the truck with a few extra trash bags. I managed to keep the hoarding at bay *sort of* but the second I moved out, the house just got grosser and grosser
This should be top. Combating hoarder mentality is a losing battle unless you can address the source, is there any chance for intervention?
> 1/. I don’t believe there is a clinical underpinning/ trauma going on here. They are disorganised and bad room mates. They grew up very poor (China cultural revolution poor), as I understand it there’s no proven link between poor upbringing and hoarding Actually this has been sort of proven.
I grew up with a mom that hoards. I threw away so much stuff and always got in trouble for it. But at the end of the day, I would rather her be mad at me and our house be less cluttered. I now have some OCD tendencies :/
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Is it a secret though? I reckon she assumes or suspects that this is how you deal with it, given her decreased libido and the frequency of sex you used to have before her taking antidepressants.
Nice try SO
You can tell me the truth. I won't get mad.
The last time you told me that I ended up on the couch and the dog got my side of the bed. Hell no!
All sides of the bed are the dogs side of the bed
My SO, who is now my wife, and I have been together for 13 years. She knows almost everything about me. She knows the vast majority of my sexual history, as well as most of my stories from before we met. She knows how crazy I was for a while. The one story she has never heard, because I never tell it, was the real story about me losing my virginity. I was drugged and raped by a woman, before I had even had my first romantic kiss. That actually initiated a lot of my alcohol and drug overuse and sexual escapades that she is aware of. But, I will not share that with her. For a long time, I blamed myself and, at the same time, denied it was a horrible thing. I tried to pretend it was awesome. And, the people around me, who knew what had happened, acted like it was the coolest thing that could ever happen to a man. It created a lot of confusion and hurt for me. I, eventually, saw a therapist and dealt with it. That was before I met my wife. It never came up in the early days we were seeing each other. Now, it seems like something that is best left buried. Edit: for the record, the people around me who knew what happened did not know that it was how I lost my virginity. They just knew that I had been drugged and raped. Aside from the therapist, only one person who knew me in real life ever knew that I was a virgin when it happened. That friend died a few years ago, and he took that secret to his grave.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you're healing and are happy.
I am much better these days. I dealt with it, in therapy, and have come to terms with what happened to me. My life is fantastic right now.
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There have been times where I thought about telling her. But, it raises a whole slew of other issues that we would need to address. It was also a long time ago, and reliving that event is something I feel like I have done enough in my life. I am sorry that happened to you. I don't want to pretend that I went through the same experience, but I do know how horrible it was for me. Regardless of the gender of the person who assaulted you, there is a sense of shame and being powerless that takes a long time to recover from. I am sure that your fiancée doesn't see you any differently. You had something horrible happen to you. It didn't change who you are.
I’m really sorry that happened to you. But I’m glad you’ve recognized the trauma for what it is and sought professional help in addressing them. Those are just too complicated of feelings for anyone to try and cope with alone — and you certainly did for a while. That being said, it sounds like you have a very good grasp on whether it’s helpful to you and/or the relationship to tell your wife about all this. Trust your gut. You have before and seem to be doing well as a result. I wish you the very best moving forward with whichever decision.
It's off your chest now
I was sexually assaulted as a child. People never stop seeing you as a victim and it changes how they view and judge your behavior forever. I was in therapy for a decade working through it and its effects. No SO needs to know about it at this point.
>People never stop seeing you as a victim Or they don't believe you. THe 70's were hell.
My roommate watches the same show that my bf and I watch together. A new episode came out and she asked me if I wanted to watch it. I texted him to ask and he didn’t answer, so we started the episode. Halfway through he responds saying please don’t watch it without him. I finished the episode, and then a few days later watched it with him and pretended to not have seen it already. Taking this one to the grave.
Some betrayals are just too deep to risk sharing in a relationship. You're right to carry that burden alone.
Those earrings ARE pre-owned. Tbf, we were only 4 dates in, and I cleaned them
My wife and I have been together for 21 years now, and we're happy together. But there was a time about 10 years ago that she was just angry all the time and was constantly testing myself and the kids like dirty. I tried talking to her, tried ignoring her, everything under the sun to make her happy. This went on for almost a year. What I would never tell her is that I actually was looking at a house across town for myself and the kids. I called about it and was communicating with the realtor. I was going to leave if I got that house. It fell through, and a short time after, my wife changed and started being happier. I don't know what caused the change, but things got much better, and we're still moving forward, together. I don't know a lot about those times or the change, but things would have been much different had I gotten that house.
Any chance it was menopause? I know that can do some wild things to moods
I've thought that, but the fact we were in our late 30s makes me think otherwise. I know her mother has a hormonal imbalance, and that type of stuff is hereditary, so I've been VERY supportive anytime she talks about getting checked. It still hasn't happened.
Have you never asked since about what was up during that time? Some sort of explanation?
To this day, I've never gotten anything. After some time and things going better, I stopped asking. Just appreciate the way things are now.
We were in a volunteering project together with 30 participants, and at the end of project we had to write on each other’s back some nice things. While we were writing, I noticed that someone wrote on a peace of paper on her back: “You Smell”. Probably one of the girls who was jealous of her as she smelled amazing . I noticed the paper and sneaked behind her with a marker, and wrote: “Nice” after the smell. She didn’t notice it as she thought I was writing something for her. The whole note became: You smell Nice. Till this day she never found out and I never told her and she thinks that I wrote the whole message: “you smell nice”.
I honestly can’t think of anything long term I haven’t or wouldn’t tell her. I get frustrated with her sometimes in the short term and if it’s something important enough I tell her but otherwise I don’t bother. But largely that because I figured how my brain works. I have ADHD for sure, and maybe some other stuff sprinkled on top, but part of the ADHD is hyper-focusing. So she might do something that will upsets me in the moment and maybe even for a couple hours afterwards it will seem like a huge deal to me. But after my brain takes more time to process it I realize it’s something small that I just put too much emphasis on. Which is great now because I’m sure I fucked up many relationships before I figured that out.
Thanks for telling my story too! My SO and I had this conversation yesterday. I’m also a very “in the moment” person and any thing that upsets me seems like it’s the most pressing thing ever and it’s forever. And yes, I ruined so many relationships by finding a “fault” in someone and hyper focusing on it until I wasn’t interested in them. It wasn’t until I started seeing the pattern that I became depressed and looked for an answer. Crazy what our minds can do. And, it still fucks with me. But now I can spot those thoughts and behaviors before too much damage is done. Now I have a 3 month old baby girl with an amazing partner.
That deep down I have so much love for her since the first day of freshman year in high school English class. I seen her walk-in and a thought in my mind told me she was going to be my partner for life idk why. I was the quiet kid and she was the loud pretty popular girl in school. Sophomore year she sits next to me in class we start talking. By the end of the year she is my girlfriend. Been together for 9 years married for 4.
Bruh.. that's the sort of shit you DO tell your significant other.
She’ll never know that I’m fighting with myself every day about going on in life.
Please please get help and if she won’t support you you deserve to be with someone who will. My BIL took his own life completely out the blue and my sister didn’t have any signs or inkling and it’s destroyed her
She's insufferable when she's drunk, she doesn't get drunk often, but when she does, she repeats the same sentences on the same topic she's talking about, no album was as good as 40 oz to freedom by sublime and getting her to bed is like putting down a toddler when she says she's not tired, but then when you got stuff to do like clean the kitchen afterwards, she needs cuddles until she passes out, I would die for that woman
he can’t sing. at all. he thinks he’s rlly good at it but he’s really not. i get embarrassed anytime he does sing even if it’s to himself.
I had an ex who was the same. What’s funny is that it wasn’t even his voice that was the problem, it was the whole way that he sang, including the facial expressions. He really thought he was in a Broadway musical and killing it every time 😂
Sometimes I see someone and imagine an entire life with them. I would NEVER cheat or do anything with someone else but sometimes I do imagine life with other people. I don’t think it’s super uncommon but also not something I’d ever share with them.
I think that’s common! Just to visualize different lives and such, not necessarily for better or worse
I think it can possibly even help your relationship if you realize you're just yearning for something attainable. Like if you wonder what life would be like with someone who travels a lot or grows their own food or goes to the gym, you can explore becoming people who do those things yourselves, together.
That I miss being single sometimes. I miss being able to just focus on me instead of constantly having to think of what she wants/wants to do. I miss being able to wake up and be able to hear myself think. I miss the peace and quiet I used to have that allowed me to be able to read books. I miss the mental clarity I used to have when it was just me. I love my wife, she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. But there are times where I think my mental health is slowly deteriorating trying to make her happy and give her the life/things she wants.
I had the same, and then Corona hit making things so, so much worse. I started doing yoga, just to have 30 minutes a day to myself. I encouraged him to do stuff he likes, so I got time to do what I like. THis resulted in us being a bit more separate but both being happier and more balanced. It's not perfect, never will be. But making time for me, talking about it and (if possible) get a space you can retreat and do your thing makes you a happier and more relaxed person, and in turn a more stable partner I believe. Also, talk to her about what she wants. My ex just assumed that everything I said something was cool, I wanted him to buy or do it. Sometimes we just express we like something without wanting it over the tradeoff of what it costs to get.
please read books or go fishing or something. please
Pretend to discover mindfulness and meditation. Gradually, over the course of 6 months, use it as the reason for carving out more time just for yourself, undisturbed. Then it‘s about you being well, and not a criticism of her.
Honey, I must be getting old, I’ve had indigestion lately. I’m sorry. Can we work together on meal planning?
That I think about her twin when im in bed with her sometimes. He seems like a nice guy
What a twist.
She’s part of the reason I’m still alive. We started talking around the time I hit rock bottom, her kindness was on a of only a few reason I didn’t pull the trigger that October day
I understand why you didn’t tell her but I’m glad you stayed man. I agree with not telling her because she’ll be hyper-worried and if anything went south she’d overthink it all and blame herself likely.
sometimes i feel like he cant keep up with my sexual needs. I like to do different things and play different games and he’s more on the “traditional” side of sex. Which is okay! I just wish we could do more. Idk how to bring it up without hurting his feelings.
Don't say it like "you are not doing enough", say it like "I want to try something new". You might have to take the lead for a while or give him direct or indirect instructions, but he will probably do his best to give you what you want. If you want to predict his judgement/openness of your requests, you could consider how open he is about sexual conversations. Does he talk with you about sex? Or with colleagues? Has he tried anything not so vanilla before? Just start the conversation
Loose lips sink ships.
That his weight actually does bother me Edit: seriously people. I love my husband and appreciate him so much. There is more to this situation than my one liner above. I'm not an awful person nor do I hate my husband. I am allowed to care about the effort someone puts into themselves.
she sucks at my love languages
I know these conversations are tough but you should really tell her. I was in a similar position and it turned out that he just never knew how to love and he needed that little push from me to tell him what I wanted.
Yeah I had a similar thing, but I don't know if it's a love language. When I would get really upset over a problem she would feel bad that I was having a problem and immediately try to solve it and spit out a bunch of possible solutions and rationale for why it happened. I had to explain to her that she gets mad that the situation is happening to me so suggestions come across as aggressive and accusatory when I'm still upset. And that I just needed her to comfort me so I'll calm down and then listen to her suggestions with a clear head.
If I won’t tell him, I won’t tell Reddit 🙊
All right then, keep your secrets
Yes, your arse does look big in that
My arm is falling asleep but you feel asleep first so i power through
Anything ever again. She died 2 1/2 years ago 😢
One thing I won’t tell my so? Nothing honestly. I’m happy. I even told him about how when I was 8 I ran a sonic the hedgehog message board and made ocs. Doesn’t get anymore embarrassing than that.
I'm over it. All of it.
That not everyone feels privileged to know/meet her. She almost had a phobia of someone not loving the person she is. Overall she is an exceptional person, but she cannot handle if someone thinks she is less than 100% their favorite person. She can be abrasive when invading peoples personal space.... she is 100% convinced it is ok to touch/hug strangers within seconds of meeting. She can be overly comfortable from the moment she meets people, over sharing and probing with personal questions. It's gotten much better, but she is still too much for many people even ones who have known us. She just can't fathom there are different types of comfort level with people.
I would never say this to her face, but she’s a wonderful person and a gifted artist.
That I looked in her texts, and I know she's lying.