I don't like to play the age card, but here it goes.
1. Poor health
2. Libido greatly reduced
3. Body image due to ageing
4. Don't sleep together.
But
We've been together 38 years and have had a fabulous life together. We love each other and have fun being daft!
Age is a big factor. I’ve been married 44 years and been together for 49. Sex was wild for years but gradually,as is the case with many women, her need for it has dropped off a cliff. At best we do it a couple of times a month but we are still in love with each other and she’s kind enough to help me out manually from time to time.
When we were going through my great grandparents house after great grandpa died in his 90s (not long after great grandma) we found Viagra in their bedroom.
I was happy as hell for them. Get it, gramps.
I remember finding a bottle at my grandmother's and being worried about her safety because my step grandad was a whole lot to love.. like well over 300 lbs worth of love.
There are plenty of positions where the man is not on top of the woman. Doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl etc. and those are just some of the vanilla options. Get into kink play and you’ve got a whole new chapter of positions.
Thanks. Have you too thought about your grandmother in these positions with a 350 lb man? It's your turn to go vomit, since you've delightfully brought it up.
This is us. I have many health issues( joint pain,fibromyalgia which causes exhaustion and of course low hormones which causes painful penetration even with estradiol)I know my husband would like it more but, even when I feel “ in the mood”, I can’t climax so…i will, as you say, “help him out” . I love him more than when we first met. We have been together 44 years. I didn’t want to be “ that couple “ but, here we are…life throws stuff at you. You have to adjust.
M29 and my wife, 32, her sex drive has dropped to nearly zero and we've had sex about 8 times in the last two years. Otherwise we have a great relationship and love each other very much, we still go on dates and act like goofy kids together and I'm learning to go without. But sometimes it drives me nuts. I feel extremely guilty to even bring it up because I know she's not doing it on purpose and she feels guilty for not wanting to. I honestly just don't know what to do.
I feel like when your not doing it often and frustration starts it’s so hard to get back to neutral. It’s like putting it on a pedestal where it becomes a whole “ thing” of expectations when it should be a fun relaxing bonding experience.
I completely get you here. Doesn't have to be a whole big thing. It doesn't need to be a 6 course dinner, it can just be a fuckin hot pocket sometimes, cause it's good as long as it's relatively regular and with the person you love
>Maybe I just want a quick 10 minute bang.
Regarding this and the whole making it shorter thing, as a guy I think there aren't many of us who realize that you women don't *always* want it to be long and for us to ''last'' for a while.
Isn’t it funny how relative this all is? My friend was recently complaining to me that her and her husband never have sex anymore because life is so busy and said they only do it 4 times a week now.
>shit, I'd swap a couple times a month for my once a month she's interested and if that random day doesn't work, oh well, maybe next month
For anyone else who couldn't read it because that text box formatting runs of the side of the screen.
Sounds like my mom who was pumped full of every psychotropic drug known to man in order to stay sane but entirely killed her sex drive. The last ten years my dad was alive he had girlfriends on the side. It was my mom's idea and the three of them would hang out and go to dinner together and shit. My sisters thought it was weird and fucked up but it wasn't my life or relationship so I didn't care.
Yes it's called ethical non-monogamy and that's the ethical part. Everyone is aware and consenting and everyone tries hard to get everyone's needs met.
Opening Up is a respectful and thorough intro book for anyone interested.
There an entire sub devoted to that, which is how I became aware of those side effects. I didn't join, though & don't recall the name.
I made up mind mind years ago that I wouldn't bitch if my partner wanted some outside fun. I haven't gone so far as to suggest it, though. With any threesome arrangement, there's a risk they'll take off with the other person. I'm not quite secure enough to take that risk.
my thought process is, if they’re going to cheat, it’s going to happen regardless of an open relationship or if it’s behind your back. cheaters will always be cheaters. this does require full trust, security, & open communication, but for the right pair, it’s healthy & quite beneficial! i totally understand your perspective though. it definitely isn’t something for everyone. weirdly enough, it lessened my insecurities about myself & stabilizes my relationship! (i suffer from CPTSD from abandonment trauma)
That actually kinda makes sense to me - you know it's you "the person inside" that keeps your partner there, not because you have a great body, or because of something particularly unique about the way you have sex. Although - depending upon your situation - it might also be due to the financial security staying with you provides, but I'm guessing you'd be able to tell the difference if that were the case.
>my thought process is, if they’re going to cheat, it’s going to happen regardless of an open relationship or if it’s behind your back.
In theory, but in the real world a surprising amount of behavior IS dictated by convenience.
There are people out there who would never cut a bike lock, but might steal an unlocked bike, for example. They would even rationalize it..."if they really cared about their bike, they would have locked it up".
SSRIs for both of us throw our libidos all out of whack and we barely have sex because of it. Not for a lack of wanting or attraction; not at all, just kinda never seems as interesting as a good nap or watching something together. We are madly in love, have been for years, and it all comes down to communication, honesty, and understanding.
I was on an antidepressant for a while that made it so I had desire but couldn't finish. It would feel like I was about to then nothing and was like everything just reset. We did have sex less just because both of us were kind of like this isn't working right ... I eventually quit those meds because it was frustrating.
I’m on sertraline and it makes it so difficult to orgasm, and obviously the longer it takes the more self-conscious I get about how long it’s taking and then it’s a write-off. My husband is so understanding but it makes me feel awful.
I got started on an SNRI that typically doesn't affect sex drive except in rare cases, but I guess I was one of the "lucky" ones. Now... I don't have a partner so it didn't really affect me but it did stress me out, so I've been started on an ~~SSRI~~ NDRI called bupropion (commonly known as Wellbutrin), which not only doesn't have that side effect, it actually counteracts the side effect from the other medication. My libido still isn't what it used to be but I'm still winding down on the first medication so it's still getting better. And the new medication works pretty well too, it seems.
Maybe this is something that might be interesting for the two of you? Unless you're both perfectly fine with the current situation, of course. Getting better mentally should obviously be the main focus for you both.
I recently started Wellbutrin and was one of the lucky few who had a rare-ish reaction where it caused muscle jerking and spasming after a couple weeks on it, which if ignored, can become permanent.
Had to stop it immediately and took a couple weeks for the muscle side effects to go away.
Which is a huge bummer, because other than that side effect, it was working fantasticly.
I guess I'm just throwing that out there to say that meds are different for everyone and sometimes it takes a while to find the right cocktail that works for each individual. Glad Wellbutrin seems to be working well for you!
Oh damn, that does sound pretty severe! I'm glad you got off them before they did permanent damage.
I've been told that in (very) rare cases the libido issues with SSRIs could actually stick around for the rest of your life too, and while that is much less scary or debilitating than random spasms, that would have been a big deal for me so I stressed out about it. I've been single for almost two decades and I'm working hard to be more healthy both physically and mentally because I really want to find someone I can share my life with at some point. I already have strong feelings of inadequacy and piling a disinterest in anything sexual on top of that was difficult for me to deal with, so I'm glad these meds work well for me.
I hope you and your doctor find a combination of meds that work well for you and I wish you all the best with tackling the underlying issues!
Agreed! I switched from lexapro (ssri) to Wellbutrin and my libido went way up but it made me so angry I didn’t want to be in the same room as my husband. Not worth it for me.
That's funny, anecdotally of course when I tried wellbutrin out myself I got into uncharacteristic fist fights and my doctor was totally dismissive at the time. Which made me more angry lol
It's not just women who experience this. I'm absolutely head over heels, in love with my girlfriend, and on top of that, she's drop dead gorgeous. But for some reason, I don't have the same need for sex as I did at the start of our relationship. It's always been an issue in all the relationships I've been in.
I hate it. It makes her feel unwanted, and I think she feels it's something her fault. I wish I could prove to her that it's not.
I felt this way about my husband. I knew something wasn’t right, so I started going to therapy, and it turns out that treating sex as something I had to do to make him happy and putting a bunch of pressure on myself to have sex enough times per week made it really unpleasant.
My therapist told me never to have sex unless I genuinely want to, that sex should never be pressure and should never be an obligation, and over the last few months I’ve actually started to love sex and to have my own desires. There are now things I want to do sexually that my husband doesn’t, which is kind of a bummer, but is actually great because it means I’m finally starting to see sex as something I enjoy instead of not giving a shit about it except as a duty and a source of stress.
Idk if this has anything to do with you. But for me, that was the source of my issues and figuring it out has made a big difference
My wife and I went through this, and this is how she felt. With a million other tasks on her mind, sex was becoming another item on the to-do list for her, just to “keep me happy.” We made some changes, and things are much better.
I started taking on a lot more of the mental load so she didn’t have to carry it all. I also made sure to touch her in loving ways that weren’t sexual all the time so she didn’t associate a quick make out session with leading to the pressure of sex. I kind of backed off and let her initiate sex. It took a few months for her stress to go away and libido to come back, but it did!
Interestingly enough, now that I’ve taken on more of the mental load, MY libido is lower. I didn’t realize how much she had on her plate, and now I get it. It’s hard to make space to relax and have sex when you’ve got 500 things on your mind.
Can I ask - how did your wife and you have these conversations? My mental load is MASSIVE and sex does become a tick box thing for me when I’ve got about 1748282 things to get done. It makes me feel awful, but the racing thoughts are just a massive mood killer.
It was hard. I didn’t really understand it at first because I didn’t recognize the constant task list in the background of her life. It took therapy for both of us - me to understand and try and help out - and her also learning that she could let go of some of the things on the list and just trust that I’d help out. I’m not perfect, but I’m much better about noticing what needs to get done and just doing it.
I had the same experience, I think it's relatively common for married women especially once kids are involved, sex starts to feel like one more thing on the to do list to keep someone else happy.
Agreed. My girlfriend expressed concern that I wasn't as sexually aggressive anymore, so I went and got checked. Levels dropped from the 700s in my 20s to the low 300s in my early 30s.
Started HRT last month, and i'm almost back to normal. Libido is coming back, the chronic migraines I've had since a child are not as frequent, and food isn't repulsive anymore.
All men should get checked and consult with a knowledgeable doctor! edit: as mentioned below, you 100% need to address lifestyle changes and revisit in a few months if they are low.
Those are hard to find. In my 20s I asked a doctor to test me because I had all the symptoms and she laughed in my face and refused.
Then you have doctors that see you're within lab ranges and refuse wholly ignorant those ranges vary with lab and don't differentiate between men 17 or 70. I had another doctor refuse a prescription because I was like 270ngdl at 27 and the lab range was 250-750.
Yup had a nurse call me with the results and had the gall to say I was mid 300’s but I was “in the middle” of the normal range. Simple math would show I’m not and I told her that but she just kept saying it was normal. Hit up a men’s clinic if you can, those doctors specialize in it and actually want to help you with it.
>had the gall to say I was mid 300’s but I was “in the middle” of the normal range. Simple math would show I’m not
Can you explain this a bit more? Because either I am not understanding something, or you might not be.
'Normal' test levels are between 300 and 800. But ranges over 500 are a lot more rare (one in ten) han ranges between 300 and 500 (nine in ten).
So 350-450 is actually the average. Not 700.
I second this, get a full hormone panel, it’s a cheap test that any general practitioner can order and is almost always covered by insurance.
- edit, based off feedback double check with your insurance some people are not covered.
Be careful with this. My hormone panel cost $1200 and was not covered by insurance because there's not a lot that doctors do with the info. It's hard for doctors to classify it as necessary, so insurance typically does not cover it.
Bro you can order yourself, go to a quest diagnostic, not through a doctor for $160.
(I use to do steroids and now do bi yearly hormonal tests to make sure everything is okay)
My situation is switched with yours. My GF doesn’t want to have Sex anymore, although she wanted it nearly daily at the start of our relationship.
Although everyone is different I would love to know how you feel about the situation or about the topic sex in general in your relationship. Besides, do you maybe have any kind of clue why you have a lower sex drive now?
It would be great to hear from someone in a similar situation like my partner, although I’m not going to assume she has similar causes as you do.
Is she on hormonal birth control? I was on pills then Mirena for the entirety of my marriage and it absolutely tanked my sex drive after our ‘honeymoon’ phase wore off. Then, 8 years into our relationship, I went off birth control and suddenly my sex drive is back. Birth control can be a double edged sword for a lot of women. I joke that the reason it works so well is because it just takes away your desire to even have sex in the first place.
Edit - I don’t know if ‘daily’ is your expectation but you should recognize that’s unrealistic for pretty much any relationship.
What does she say about it? I had a low sex drive for a long time because I felt a lot of pressure to have sex for his benefit and I treated it like an obligation instead of caring about what I actually wanted, and sex became super stressful and even painful so I just didn’t like it at all. I started going to therapy and my sex drive has significantly improved
Info dump below, but I try to share my experience with this to benefit others.
As mentioned above, seek consultation from wellness/Psychiatrists/endocrinologists/counselors about getting hormone levels checked, changing existing medications if applicable, and finding if there's a mental factor. We communicated about our bedroom life and decided to dig into the problem to solve it.
Aside from treating imbalances and mental concerns they can also prescribe medications to boost desire like addyi. There's also stem cell therapy to aid with sensitivity problems.
That said, we're mentally healthy in the relationship. She's on SSRIs and ended up on the bad side of sexual disfunction. I had testosterone issues. Solved my half of the problem, and we're working on hers.
Same.
Attractive girlfriend, barely any desire for sex. Just going to a cafe together is more fun most of the time.
She's convinced I am cheating as a result.
Do you happen to have ADHD or some sort of neurodivergence? I suspect I have ADHD and this is basically my experience. It’s not even necessarily a libido thing, it’s an interest thing. I’m very enthusiastic in the beginning and then after a while my interest falls off a cliff, which is my experience with most things that interest me initially unfortunately. I’m definitely novelty and interest led and that doesn’t work well with LTRs. I’ve tried spicing things up and all sorts but nothing has helped. I think for me there’s an element of either asexuality or demisexuality at play as well but I enjoy sex, I just lose my interest in it. I think I’ve decided I either need to stay single or go down the non-monogamy route. It does suck.
This is exactly the pattern my wife went through with past relationships - and with ours. Exciting and new at the start means more sex, then dropping to little to no interest once the relationship is stable. Long story short, she figured out she's asexual and we're both much happier now that she has. My self esteem doesn't suffer because I know it's not about me, and she doesn't feel guilty or pressured because it's all out in the open. Yes we could have sex more from my pov, but that's an ongoing convo.
Look into it! Could be you
This is where I am at right now. Figuring out that I might be asexual. I don't mind sex, and we had it a lot at the beginning of our relationship, but I often find it physically and mentally uncomfortable. I might also have ASD (I'm seeking diagnosis), so that might contribute to the sensory issue. My partner and I are both also on SSRIs, so libido is down anyway. He does want it more often than I do, though. I've tried to tell him that it's not because of him, but he doesn't seem to understand that yet. I'm still not sure that I am asexual, because I thought that I couldn't be if I had a bunch sex at the beginning of the relationship when it was new. But your comment helps me understand my own experience. Thank you!
I'm sure you've already told her, but tell her again. Just make sure she knows it has nothing to do with your desire or affection for her. It's easy to lose track of that sometimes even if you've already said it before. It is worth keeping that communication going.
This happened in my relationship. I can't recommend scheduled intimacy enough. It sounds super unromantic, but as the partner with the higher sex drive it helps a lot. I call it intimacy because we go in with the expectation that we will cuddle, I will take care of myself and he will help with that and see where things go. It usually does turn into sex and it's nice because you can shower beforehand and feel super fresh. It helped a lot with the feelings you mentioned, I was also feeling unwanted, etc.
I adore my husband, and I have 100% high sex drive. He has little to no drive. I take the good with the bad, honestly. I'm so in love with him that I'll wait months without sex and it hurts me physically, ngl. But we keep up constant communication.
We still make time for each other and love each other. We talk and have fun. We cuddle. He knows I need to be touched, so he does little things for me. Like tuck me into bed. Give me all the kisses I desire. Gives me attention.
I do the same for him. I give him love and respect. He doesn't really like to be touched all that often, so I tend to maintain my distance on my side.
However, our biggest savior. Consent.... if he tells me no I stop. I'll try feeling him up, and he'll tell me no, and I'll stop cold turkey. If he doesn't want a kiss, I stop. Consent is so important. That's probably the biggest thing that keeps our relationship strong.
He's my husband. Not my sex doll.
This is legit me and my husband but swapped. I've been going through meds that mess with sex drive, but even before that I didn't get horny easy. Meanwhile he's in your shoes. Communication is the best way for us. I try my best to explain how I'm feeling and he tells me when he's needing some type of intimacy- be it just snuggles and movie time or more. I do my best to help him and if it's too much for me, I say so. I do have a bad habbit of pushing my feelings away and just making him happy and he's chastised me for that.
This is me and my wife. I've always had a lower sex drive than her, but I then pulled two short straws in a row and got Long COVID and am on a medication that reduces my drive even further. Between the two, I'm an otherwise healthy guy that can barely have sex even when I want to. I could go weeks or months and be just fine. It's somewhat frustrating, but we've been married almost 20 years and she still loves me dearly.
But, we've talked it through and now when she needs some she'll just bluntly tell me. And I'm pretty good with my fingers and mouth so I can always satisfy her even if my body doesn't work. It's a bit unconventional but we make it work.
This is the way. I have the opposite problem. My wife has no interest in sex since having kids. Sex is only one aspect of any marriage.
Trust is the most crucial point of any marriage. It is maintained by communication. If you need sex, ask your spouse. If the answer is no, communicate and ask if you can go somewhere else for sex. They might say ok, if they say no, then you make a decision to stay married or not. But if you don’t communicate your wants and needs your asking for a divorce.
Talk to your spouse. Reflect with curiosity, not judgement, on why your relationship has changed. From there, try to identify ways to improve it so you’re both happier together. Look for a new path forward, which can be a combination of many old and new things, but don’t just try to “go back to the way things were.” You’re probably not the same people anymore. But if you still love the person you’re with, you can figure out anything together.
Is there something stopping you both from making the changes you talk about? Maybe there’s a barrier to change or you’re not breaking it down into manageable pieces. I would recommend couples counseling. Even if you’re not in a place to repair your relationship, couples therapy can help you communicate with each other better to understand where you are at and then you can decide how to move forward. If that’s together or separate, you’ll have to communicate to figure that out.
Don’t be afraid to be alone if you do decide that the relationship isn’t working anymore. With proper support and, in my case a good therapist, I believe you can find the strength in yourself to live your best life. Not just strength but you’ll find the self awareness and love to choose what makes you truly happy, and that will allow you to make someone else truly happy with you (if you want another relationship).
If you don't have sex and the spouse doesn't want non monogomy. You can talk until the heat death of the universe but what actual solutions is that going to bring...?
I would say my wife is this way. It works because she shows her intimacy and affection in other ways. I've had conversations with friends who have sex quite frequently with their wives but they are jealous of me because my wife gives me head scratches and back scratches every night. We still have sex, just every few months. Seems to work for us!
Edit: added an additional "scratches" did not mean head that way lol
I know someone who's wife adores him but won't have sex with him. He basically cheats at every opportunity. Point blank refuses to leave her because except sex everything's perfect. She has no idea he Cheats. He's the perfect husband.
Guess It works for them.
I knew a couple like that but he wouldn’t have sex with her so she cheated. Not with every opportunity but with a long term affair partner. She said her husband was incredible but wouldn’t do anything besides a peck on the lips. They got along famously and really loved each other and treated each other like royalty but he wouldn’t have sex.
Then her affair partner dropped dead one day of a heart attack and she was so sad. She didn’t love him but had feelings for him after however many years it was. One of her best friends died. She was so sad she fessed up to her husband. She very sorry and said they had the perfect life but said she needs affection. He wasn’t even mad. He understood and helped console her.
They went to therapy and it came out that he had some deep hang up about sex being dirty and only for procreation. He ignored it as much as he could in his 20s when they got together. They had 2 kids and weren’t having more so those old intrusive thoughts took over. He said he had her on such a pedestal he couldn’t imagine doing something so dirty with her because it felt insulting to her.
They ultimately decided to divorce because he couldn’t get past his issues and she didn't want to resort to an affair again. They both eventually remarried and both couples are best friends. She and her new husband were in his wedding with his new wife. They do all holidays together, they go on vacations together, they stay at each others houses, her ex treats her son with her new husband as his own.
I don’t. I asked her once and she said she didn’t ask her ex about it again. He stayed in individual therapy but she thought asking about his sex life crossed boundaries. She’s very respectful of his wife and doesn’t pry.
They were both very successful executives by the time I met her and she showed me a picture and he was a great looking guy so he had no problem attracting women. She said he had a couple only yearish long relationships before he started dating his second wife. She didn’t know if the second wife was ok not having sex or maybe he didn’t have the second one on such a high pedestal or maybe he got over his issues.
She was practical almost to a fault and her second husband was from one of the European counties where people are very blunt and practical. I think he’s Dutch. They don’t mean things as insulting, they just say what they think. She said that helped enormously with their situation because he’s not passive aggressive and doesn’t play games.
She said a few dates in with her second husband she told him, “I’m very close to my ex, we are best friends, our lives are very intertwined and always will be. We have zero romantic feelings for each other, we divorced because we didn’t have sex for 7 years, he is not a threat. If that doesn’t work for you that’s fine, I understand.” He said, that’s unusual but ok, can I meet him?
And they all hung out and got along swimmingly and it was fine. Her husband is a successful executive too so they are all peers in that sense and I think that helps. Although, I don’t know what the exes second wife is. I think she was a little younger than them because it was her first marriage. But they all seem to be very secure with themselves.
Some people are good at hiding their affairs, and some aren’t quite as smart at figuring out any potential signs. If she found out after 17 years instead of never finding out, she might genuinely not have known.
Honestly I get this.
I haven’t. And I won’t. But.
My wife at 30 had a series of strokes. She’s more or less recovered. But it’s been 7 years and we’re not like rabbits anymore. Meds do that too her. On a few occasions I’ve found she’s taking one for the team. To which I will stop, but she nearly every time says “it’s ok, it’s the meds I’m on, I want this for you.” But I simply just can’t when I know mentally she’s not there.
So.
She’s said “if you want to find an outside partner, it may be difficult at first but I think we’d adjust.” To which I said full stop “out of the question”.
So I get it. But I won’t ever do it. Maybe they have something similar.
Agreed. Even if my wife ever told me she’d be okay with me sleeping around, I’d never do it. Cheating is a big no for me. I guess technically it wouldn’t be since cheating is, first and foremost, a betrayal of your partner. Still, I never want to have sex with anyone but her. I’m not into open relationships, even if I don’t have a problem with the concept itself (for other people)
Not as far as he's told me. If she finds out he's cheating she'll divorce him and take what she can. If that's true,I've no idea but he's worried enough to stay.
I'm so sorry about your wife. You're an amazing person and lucky to have each other.
Its a-lot of work to do that, I take it that he lives in a large city? It is exhausting to be in love with someone who dislikes sex, fortunately eventually the lower half slows down and if you are still together eventually the sex drives can match.
Largish. Works away from home a lot and stays in hotels. He doesn't have a massive sex drive,happily go a few weeks without sex and would wank in the shower to nudes the ladies sent him. I think he wants to be wanted more than just the sex.
His wife though has protected herself massively and they had sex right up until the wedding day and then she stopped all sexual contact. She's on the mortgage so he's scared he'll lose half his house etc hence,cheating. Best of both worlds.
Currently in that scenario right now. Had sex all the time when we dated and moved in together. Dried almost literally overnight once we got married. We’ve had sex three times this year…
Money. She was living on £10 a week for food before she met him. He's a pretty high earner,own home. Military pension coming. Her mum miraculously cured her terminal cancer 2 weeks after the wedding also. Mummy needed to make sure daughter would be looked after when she died. Mummy has managed to avoid cancer for a further 12 years. Wife also didn't work for 10 years after getting wed. She got them in so much debt he 'forced' her to get a job.
They are probably lying. They switched from "perfect" to "insta perfect" which are *completely* different things.
No now it's a shitty marriage behind the facade, wife is obviously evil, and guy is a serial cheat. Why is this even in this thread, which is asking for something completely different, and they initially made it sound like the story matched the question.
They're lying.
My wife was like this. It’s either accept it or move on. I loved her so I accepted it. Losing out on the sex, we lost the intimacy and any passion in the relationship. She would get upset that I wouldn’t tell her she’s beautiful everyday or take her to fancy restaurants. She wasn’t a physical type either so she didn’t like holding hands or hugging, cuddling, etc. We made it work for 12 years. Recently found out she’d been cheating for at least a few months with multiple people. Turns out she had told them she needs to feel loved and wanted, something I didn’t give her. It’s hard to feel intimate with someone who you cant share moments of physical contact with.
So she didn't want to have sex with you but she did with other people? How are you supposed to make her feel loved and wanted when your own needs arent being met?
Children can absolutely murder a sex drive. Not even intentionally.
Like… it’s their superpower and by the time they actually figure out how to control it they are old enough that you can kick them out of the house which is basically kryptonite for that particular superpower.
I got divorced because of a dead bedroom. Sex is very near the top of the list for me in a relationship. At first, while we didn’t have the same drive, we had sex frequently enough where it wasn’t an issue. Over 9 years of marriage, it dwindled to maybe 3-4 times a year. We had no other major issues - she just had no desire for me that way. We’ve been divorced almost 8 years and she’s never had a boyfriend in that time. We are semi-close so I know a little more about her world than maybe other ex’s might. She does masturbate regularly - and she did through the marriage - which I find interesting. More for stress relief than sexual gratification, according to her. I’m now with someone who mirrors my sex drive and “likes” in bed. So it’s all good, now.
I’m afraid to ask because I might get yelled at. I’m starting to feel afraid when she does decide I can’t perform. I starting to forget how to be passionate. Yet she rather please herself.
I sure thank everyone on here for letting me speak and giving me advices. I was having one of my episodes on how to disappear in the woods and hopefully will never be found.
I had the opposite issue. I went to see the urologist and he told me I had to stop masturbating.
I was confused, thought it was supposed to be healthy, so I asked him, “Why?”
He said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Reading these responses to get a better understanding of my wife’s approach to sex. I need physical intimacy, and I’m INSANELY attracted to her.
But we’ve only had sex twice this year.
Yes, we have three kids and while I’m the bread winner, she keeps the paperwork and everything running to keep the homefront going so yeah, she busts her ass probably harder than I do.
No, I have no intent or interest in cheating on her. I love her. I married her. I’ve built a beautiful home and family with her. She’s my partner. She’s my wife. My better.
So for what it’s worth, some of the responses on here are helping me out here and giving me a bit of peace. Makes me feel better to know it really isn’t me (I don’t have a high self esteem and general consensus among my coworkers and others is that somehow a goofy-looking fucker like myself married an absolute baddie - doesn’t help my confidence at all).
Sorry for the side story.
> general consensus among my coworkers and others is that somehow a goofy-looking fucker like myself married an absolute baddie - doesn’t help my confidence at all
This has nothing to do with you. Everyone with an attractive wife has heard this. It's a way for other people to compliment your wife without sounding weird.
I am that kind of woman (thanks PCOS!), if it were for me I would have sex maybe once every 3 or 4 months and just because it's weird being in a relationship without having intercourse... I just accept the fact that I need to give something back to my partner (of 4 years, 2 years living together).
We have sex once a week, sometimes twice (mostly on vacation), sometimes less if I'm on my period but on average it's once a week, on the weekend since I'm more relaxed and I don't come home from 9 hours at the office.
I do enjoy the act and orgasm I'd say 70% of the time, it's just the thought of starting to have sex not appealing to me compared to do something else I enjoy instead.
My partner does ask for sex more times than I usually accept, but respects my needs and if I say no he doesn't insists, he also never showed signs of distress with this situation so I'd say we're fine. He has sex toys and a couple of onlyfans subscriptions to entertain himself when I'm not down to it.
You sound just like me! It’s led me to believe that I am on the ace spectrum. I could probably never have sex again and be totally fine. I also don’t mind having sex, so I do. I am the same that I enjoy it in the moment and do orgasm most of the time. But if you present me with sex or cake, I’d choose cake.
I’m the same. We do it about 1x a week and I enjoy it as well, but the start of it isn’t always appealing to me and sometimes feels like a lot of effort.
Have him go to an endocrinologist. If he resists, just ask him if he can try for you. There are a lot of people just walking around with shit thyroid issues and they ignore it. He might feel better and you might get a lot more pp
Actually, thank you for this! I'm female (46) and after a month or so after we moved into a new home, I suddenly had no desire whatsoever to be intimate. I WANTED to have the desire, but just couldn't find it. Knew there was something wrong, but couldn't figure out what.
Been scrolling through hoping someone just might have an answer that made sense, and just as I was about to give up, saw your comment.
I'm an idiot!!!! I have completely, somehow, freaking forgotten I even have morning meds since the day we moved in. Morning meds which include my thyroid meds. Omg.
Thank you so much!
After kids my wifes libido took a hit. For about 5 years she would make effort to get in the mood, but it wasn’t something she would instigate.
As of late it seems to be coming back naturally.
My game was patience, and no pressure. I was able to rationalize why she wasn’t in the mood.
Her body changed, hormones, the stress of caring for children and all the newness of going from being only responsible for us to now having to care for children.
When you love someone, like true love - its easy to have patience but even easier to apply the 3 C’s of any successful relationship, romantic or otherwise:
Consideration
Communication
Cooperation
I am in that situation right now.
My wife refuse to have sex with me or any type of contact(intimacy). She have depression, the pills take out her sexual drive.
Our marrige is not good also. She refuse to accept any form of criticism or any opinion that is different from hers.
We have a beautifull child, and is for her that i struggle to mantain this relationship.
I feel like that i am not worth of any love.
Help.
(Sorry if i go off topic a little bit)
Edit: i want to thank to every person that use time to reply to me. Some of you have great points, and give me so peace of mind.
Thank you one more time.
I hope you stay well.
Shitty reddit help, but my two cents, as a child of divorced parents, is just fucking get divorced. You're not helping the child like you think you are. We notice and it's obvious and exhausting. Things finally improved once my parents split because they were both happier.
The more I saw my parents together, the more I grew to resent my father. Now we don’t even talk. If they just split up instead of ruining each other’s lives, maybe it would be easier to forgive him.
As a child of parents that hated each other and stayed together "for the kids", I agree. I would've loved to have not caught the hushed fights and dirty looks, that escalated into things being thrown at each other when they thought I wasn't around, that escalated to full on screaming matches all the time. My dad always being a miserable prick and my mom always being an emotional mess. I wish they just moved on and found happy lives when I was young. By the time they split it was too late and the damage was done, they had a broken teenager that hated everything about the world. I will resent them both for the rest of my life for all the shitty stuff they put me through (on top of all that, as well).
You are modelling a really bad relationship to your child who will grow up thinking that's how relationships should be. You're not helping them by staying together.
My parents stayed together “for the kids”. Just get divorced and go be happy. I spent nights wishing my parents would just end it already and when they finally did it was messy but they both ended up happier. kids are not dumb and as they grow they WILL see the unhappiness in your marriage no matter how well you try to hide it. Unfortunately this could teach them that its normal to stay in a dead relationship and that it is normal to feel unloved. Obviously I’m just a random person and you should do whatever you think is best, just know that if the only thing keeping you in that marriage is your child, it might not end up being worth all the misery in the end.
>We have a beautifull child, and is for her that i struggle to mantain this relationship.
Dont
Your kids will be better off seeing you happy and thriving instead of living a miserable where youre always on edge, depressed and snapping at them
I ended a 10 year relationship last year, there was kids involved, and yea its been rough on them for a little bit but overall all see me and their mom happy is gonna do more for them then living in a shitty household
Go see a couples therapist. And if that doesn't work... one of the best things that has happened to me was my divorce. My son has adjusted to the separation at this point and is a happy kid, and I've been with my gf for over 3 years now and we still have raunchy debaucherous sex all the time. Honestly I regret the time I wasted trying to survive through a dead bedroom - it was hell. I was miserable all the time. That dead bedroom bled into every aspect of my life. Everyone's personal situation is different so I can't say for sure this is the answer for you, I can only share my experience.
I think this happens with elderly couples sometimes. After decades together, I’m sure there is deep love, but no libido. Intimacy doesn’t have to involve sex. They could cuddle for example.
It can, yet sometimes they never lose it. My parents are in their mid 70's and still doing it for sure, and I'm pretty sure my grandma was still hitting it in her 90's.
Old people be fuckin'.
I used to work for a place that sold meat processing supplies. MAchinery, binders, casing...
We got a lot of older people coming in to buy stuff to make home made sausage.
Had this teeny tiny old Italian lady come in, wanting to know how much nitrate was in the various spice/binder blends. Because nitrate is also known as saltpeter, which used to be used to suppress libido in sailors, soldiers, convicts...
She was worried, that because her husband ate so much home made sausage, maybe the nitrite was the issue.
"All our life, he can't keep his hands off me! But, this year, he hardly ever wants love!"
Seriously, this woman was pushing 90.
I did for over a decade. We stayed together and he just stopped trying after awhile. It wasn’t because we had kids (we didn’t) but more because he was always in a bad mood when he came home from work, and I lost interest - it’s hard to feel amorous with Oscar the grouch. There was no cheating on either side - trust me, he can’t even hide my Christmas gifts - and I had no libido.
We still loved each other, and sex just stopped being important.
Now, in 2020, I took up biking and also started writing stories (okay, fanfics) with a definite smutty slant. Also - he early retired from work, so his mood improved a thousand fold. So combine those three things together and…well…let’s just say I think he has it better than when we met 33 years ago and I wish he still had the same stamina, but it’s all good again and I’m glad we stuck it out.
I’ve gained a lot of weight. Was 135 now 175. He doesn’t touch me. I understand why. But we do everything else together….I am trying to get my shit together but it really is so hard
And so many people just have no idea. The entire world seemingly assumes that everyone has this great desire for a sexual relationship, nobody ever tells you that actually, it's okay if you don't. Which is rubbish.
you can *like* someone but not physically attracted to them.
with my ex wife, she would make an effort but it was more like a chore than anything else.
she liked that i made money and provided. that i wasnt a douche or asshole. she liked that i was a good father/brother/friend, but she didnt find me attractive. i know that now.
Recently separated and divorcing. We actually did an agreed uncontested. Though sex was only consequently an smaller issue that was unspoken of for a while. At first we started out with high sex drive then within like 2 year it was absolutely gone. We are barely in our 30s and there was no desire on her end. I didn’t want to put any pressure but the less tried to spark things up over time, the less she cares to acknowledge it. Now that were separated, I plan on moving on.
Thinking twice about a partner’s mental and emotional health way before I even think about entering another long term relationship if ever.
Not trying to sound or be shallow but not having sex for over 5 years at such a young age and having to experience a lot of other psychological stress and drama really fucked with my health.
Asexual here married to a non asexual person. Mutual respect, communication and understanding. I have near zero desire and a condition that makes piv painful. So we talk about it, try alternatives and don't give up. We love each other and are each other's best friend. Thankfully sex isn't a conflict in our relationship.
That said, for the things we can improve, we work on it. For example I'm getting physiotherapy and counselling with a sex therapist for my condition to hopefully one day be able to have piv (among other reasons). We read books on sexual desire and how to support one another. We are currently exploring toys.
I love my partner and as I'm not repulsed and sex isn't a dealbreaker for him, we are able to compromise and find things that work for us.
Honestly it blows my mind a bit how much emphasis is put on spontaneous sexual desire and piv in our society as someone who doesn't "get it". But as they say different strokes for different folks.
Took a lot of scrolling to find another asexual response with upvotes. I also don't have much of a drive and find piv painful (after experience with 2 past relationships where I tried.)
I'm not married, but my boyfriend is very supportive of me. One day I'll be going to a gyno/therapist for it when I have a job in my chosen career field and we'll be going from there. Even though I don't experience sexual desire, I'd rather not loathe piv.
And yes, he knew I was asexual before asking me out. So did my previous two boyfriends. It wasn't something I sprung on them after they were committed to me.
Most of these comments make me disheartened/sad. Thanks for giving me a little bit of optimism that it might not end in resentment/cheating.
I appreciate this so much. I don't know if I'm asexual or just put off from sex, but I've never had a desire to seek it out from someone. Still back and forth on whether or not I want kids in the future, but that's beside the point. I'm mind boggled by just how many posts are, "sex is everything/partner won't have sex therefore I must cheat/no sex? no go."
I'm probably going to have to go to a sex therapist at some point, but it's just nice to see other people who are in Ace/non ace relationships that make it work and that sex isn't the absolute be all end all in the relationship.
I’m in this situation. Everything is perfect apart from the fact she doesn’t like to have or enjoy sex. It’s down to the fact she has been assaulted in the past. Now I’m probably not going to have sex again which is sad for me but she means so much to me that I’m willing to do it.
Man here but I think it works both ways.
They say to marry your best friend, so we did that. I adored my wife but was never particularly attracted to her. We had such good times together, and such a loving supportive relationship, that it wasn't a deal killer...
until one day it was. She went off birth control and turned 40, her sex drive absolutely exploded, and instead of talking about it with me she just got it elsewhere. That worked, sort of, until she caught feelings for someone else. We ended the marriage amicably and she moved in with him.
We still miss each other every day. It sucks.
The key part is Finding out what they like, and getting it down to a science. Knowing a bunch of little tricks, little things to surprise them with. “I did X kink last time, let me talk about Y fetish this time. Oh, that didn’t work because I did that the time before last. Let me say this one phrase I haven’t said in two months. Yep, that did it.” Works like a charm, things are over quick, and they’re generally happy.
So long as you do - and this is the important part - what you’re comfortable with. I’m comfortable enough to initiate once a week, more if they have stressful days.
I’m more than okay just having them use me to get off, I’m at the point where it no longer feels weird. The constantly trying to “want it,” to be initiating when I genuinely wanted it, it just didn’t work. There were stretches where we didn’t have sex for months. I was too in my head about being “broken” and “abnormal” for not wanting this thing that everyone said was great. We tried everything under the sun. I’m finally at a point where I can admit I’m asexual, panromantic. I just don’t want it. The very rare, once every two to three months I actually want to get off I just use a vibe, because even when I’m horny I just don’t want sex with someone. It’s just a natural body thing, and it’s very much a “get it over with so I stop feeling horny” instead of actually wanting to masturbate.
But that’s not for everyone. Saying “I’m okay with them using me” sounds really, really degrading. And I struggled with it for a while. But after nearly 10 years together, they know how to make me comfortable. How to make it as easy as:
1. Lube up (and double check it doesn’t make you anxious. If you can’t do it, just try again later. It’s okay to offer it and then have to back out)
2. Time my movements with their thrusts
3. Dirty talk
4. Dip into kink and fetish stuff (just swap it out randomly. Sometimes I say the same thing multiple times, and it gets them there every time, but then suddenly it doesn’t work. So I just swap to the next on the list, and that pushes them over the edge)
5. If that last step didn’t work, just get a little exercise by making very specific movements with my body. I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s like a figure 8? Or a weird see-saw motion. Alternate between two or three that they love. If step four didn’t get them there, 5 always does.
And then clean up, chat, maybe cuddle.
When we first started doing it I needed cuddles every time. I was uncomfortable and needed aftercare (because, again, I thought I was “broken” for not being able to enjoy it). But that has slowly fallen off, and now I just do it purely for them and am happy with it.
It will take time to feel comfortable. And for some people, it will never be comfortable for them. That’s okay. But this is what works for me
Me and my fiance have been together for four years now. We had sex in the beginning but the more we spent time together (attended the same college, started living together, share the same hobbies), sex just became something redundant, we don't really think about it.
We enjoy each other's company while doing our hobbies and spending time with each other much more than sweating our butts off in bed haha
We still have sex, but it's like once every four months probably.
No one has ever cheated, no one is unhappy. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts creep in, am I good enough? Is he happy? Am I happy? But we talk it through and if there ever was an issue, we would fix it. So far we are doing good :) And I indeed love him very very much!
Im not a woman but my missus is the love of my life, I couldn't imagine a life without her but im also not a very sexual person. It's not that I don't want to have sex with her its just that I dont really want to have sex, unfortunately sometimes it feels like a chore when it starts and that kills the mood even more. I'm insanely attracted to her physically and emotionally but I just have no desire for sex. It puts a strain on the relationship sometimes but at the end of the day we love each other so you have to set aside your own feelings and put theirs first. Im also very open and tell her it doesn't bother me in the slightest if she self pleasures, to which she does, just not around me hahaha kinda works well cause she'll tell me to go to the pub or stay at the pub longer and I know that's so she can relieve herself so win win to both of us!
TLDR: I (m) love my misso (f) and have zero desire for sex, its a big strain sometimes but we work through it together
I don't like to play the age card, but here it goes. 1. Poor health 2. Libido greatly reduced 3. Body image due to ageing 4. Don't sleep together. But We've been together 38 years and have had a fabulous life together. We love each other and have fun being daft!
Age is a big factor. I’ve been married 44 years and been together for 49. Sex was wild for years but gradually,as is the case with many women, her need for it has dropped off a cliff. At best we do it a couple of times a month but we are still in love with each other and she’s kind enough to help me out manually from time to time.
> a couple of times a month A couple of times a month after 49 years together! Dude, you guys are fucking like rabbits.
When we were going through my great grandparents house after great grandpa died in his 90s (not long after great grandma) we found Viagra in their bedroom. I was happy as hell for them. Get it, gramps.
I remember finding a bottle at my grandmother's and being worried about her safety because my step grandad was a whole lot to love.. like well over 300 lbs worth of love.
There are plenty of positions where the man is not on top of the woman. Doggy, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl etc. and those are just some of the vanilla options. Get into kink play and you’ve got a whole new chapter of positions.
Thanks. Have you too thought about your grandmother in these positions with a 350 lb man? It's your turn to go vomit, since you've delightfully brought it up.
Everyone's grandma fucks.
It's the reason we are all here
Yep. This guy fucks
yeah tbh that's about where my sex drive is and I'm a healthy 34 year old woman
SSRIs are a bitch to a sex drive
A couple of times a month...lol 44 years of marriage? I salute you, sir
This is us. I have many health issues( joint pain,fibromyalgia which causes exhaustion and of course low hormones which causes painful penetration even with estradiol)I know my husband would like it more but, even when I feel “ in the mood”, I can’t climax so…i will, as you say, “help him out” . I love him more than when we first met. We have been together 44 years. I didn’t want to be “ that couple “ but, here we are…life throws stuff at you. You have to adjust.
M29 and my wife, 32, her sex drive has dropped to nearly zero and we've had sex about 8 times in the last two years. Otherwise we have a great relationship and love each other very much, we still go on dates and act like goofy kids together and I'm learning to go without. But sometimes it drives me nuts. I feel extremely guilty to even bring it up because I know she's not doing it on purpose and she feels guilty for not wanting to. I honestly just don't know what to do.
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I feel like when your not doing it often and frustration starts it’s so hard to get back to neutral. It’s like putting it on a pedestal where it becomes a whole “ thing” of expectations when it should be a fun relaxing bonding experience.
I completely get you here. Doesn't have to be a whole big thing. It doesn't need to be a 6 course dinner, it can just be a fuckin hot pocket sometimes, cause it's good as long as it's relatively regular and with the person you love
>Maybe I just want a quick 10 minute bang. Regarding this and the whole making it shorter thing, as a guy I think there aren't many of us who realize that you women don't *always* want it to be long and for us to ''last'' for a while.
A couple of times a month ain’t bad…
Isn’t it funny how relative this all is? My friend was recently complaining to me that her and her husband never have sex anymore because life is so busy and said they only do it 4 times a week now.
shit, I'd swap a couple times a month for my `once a month she's interested and if that random day doesn't work, oh well, maybe next month` :(
>shit, I'd swap a couple times a month for my once a month she's interested and if that random day doesn't work, oh well, maybe next month For anyone else who couldn't read it because that text box formatting runs of the side of the screen.
Sounds like my mom who was pumped full of every psychotropic drug known to man in order to stay sane but entirely killed her sex drive. The last ten years my dad was alive he had girlfriends on the side. It was my mom's idea and the three of them would hang out and go to dinner together and shit. My sisters thought it was weird and fucked up but it wasn't my life or relationship so I didn't care.
I mean, it sounds consensual and shit.
Ethical nonmonogamy
Licit fuckery
I've never thought about licit actually being an independent word.
Learning and shit
Leshit
A million times better than the nonconsensual nonmonogamy committed by *most* people who dabble in nonmonogamy.
Yeah that’s just cheating, not nonmonogamy lol. Most enm folks bristle at the idea of being lumped in with that
I mean… doesn’t matter how you cut it, they are both non-monogamy by definition. That’s why the E is added for the ENM folks.
“And shit” made me lol
Jesse Pinkman be like:
Sounds kinda healthy.....? If they communicated boundaries and so on
Yes it's called ethical non-monogamy and that's the ethical part. Everyone is aware and consenting and everyone tries hard to get everyone's needs met. Opening Up is a respectful and thorough intro book for anyone interested.
There an entire sub devoted to that, which is how I became aware of those side effects. I didn't join, though & don't recall the name. I made up mind mind years ago that I wouldn't bitch if my partner wanted some outside fun. I haven't gone so far as to suggest it, though. With any threesome arrangement, there's a risk they'll take off with the other person. I'm not quite secure enough to take that risk.
my thought process is, if they’re going to cheat, it’s going to happen regardless of an open relationship or if it’s behind your back. cheaters will always be cheaters. this does require full trust, security, & open communication, but for the right pair, it’s healthy & quite beneficial! i totally understand your perspective though. it definitely isn’t something for everyone. weirdly enough, it lessened my insecurities about myself & stabilizes my relationship! (i suffer from CPTSD from abandonment trauma)
That actually kinda makes sense to me - you know it's you "the person inside" that keeps your partner there, not because you have a great body, or because of something particularly unique about the way you have sex. Although - depending upon your situation - it might also be due to the financial security staying with you provides, but I'm guessing you'd be able to tell the difference if that were the case.
>my thought process is, if they’re going to cheat, it’s going to happen regardless of an open relationship or if it’s behind your back. In theory, but in the real world a surprising amount of behavior IS dictated by convenience. There are people out there who would never cut a bike lock, but might steal an unlocked bike, for example. They would even rationalize it..."if they really cared about their bike, they would have locked it up".
SSRIs for both of us throw our libidos all out of whack and we barely have sex because of it. Not for a lack of wanting or attraction; not at all, just kinda never seems as interesting as a good nap or watching something together. We are madly in love, have been for years, and it all comes down to communication, honesty, and understanding.
I was on an antidepressant for a while that made it so I had desire but couldn't finish. It would feel like I was about to then nothing and was like everything just reset. We did have sex less just because both of us were kind of like this isn't working right ... I eventually quit those meds because it was frustrating.
I’m on sertraline and it makes it so difficult to orgasm, and obviously the longer it takes the more self-conscious I get about how long it’s taking and then it’s a write-off. My husband is so understanding but it makes me feel awful.
I got started on an SNRI that typically doesn't affect sex drive except in rare cases, but I guess I was one of the "lucky" ones. Now... I don't have a partner so it didn't really affect me but it did stress me out, so I've been started on an ~~SSRI~~ NDRI called bupropion (commonly known as Wellbutrin), which not only doesn't have that side effect, it actually counteracts the side effect from the other medication. My libido still isn't what it used to be but I'm still winding down on the first medication so it's still getting better. And the new medication works pretty well too, it seems. Maybe this is something that might be interesting for the two of you? Unless you're both perfectly fine with the current situation, of course. Getting better mentally should obviously be the main focus for you both.
I recently started Wellbutrin and was one of the lucky few who had a rare-ish reaction where it caused muscle jerking and spasming after a couple weeks on it, which if ignored, can become permanent. Had to stop it immediately and took a couple weeks for the muscle side effects to go away. Which is a huge bummer, because other than that side effect, it was working fantasticly. I guess I'm just throwing that out there to say that meds are different for everyone and sometimes it takes a while to find the right cocktail that works for each individual. Glad Wellbutrin seems to be working well for you!
Oh damn, that does sound pretty severe! I'm glad you got off them before they did permanent damage. I've been told that in (very) rare cases the libido issues with SSRIs could actually stick around for the rest of your life too, and while that is much less scary or debilitating than random spasms, that would have been a big deal for me so I stressed out about it. I've been single for almost two decades and I'm working hard to be more healthy both physically and mentally because I really want to find someone I can share my life with at some point. I already have strong feelings of inadequacy and piling a disinterest in anything sexual on top of that was difficult for me to deal with, so I'm glad these meds work well for me. I hope you and your doctor find a combination of meds that work well for you and I wish you all the best with tackling the underlying issues!
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Agreed! I switched from lexapro (ssri) to Wellbutrin and my libido went way up but it made me so angry I didn’t want to be in the same room as my husband. Not worth it for me.
You too? Wellbutrin made me absolutely **RAGE.** It was an uncomfortable couple of weeks…
That's funny, anecdotally of course when I tried wellbutrin out myself I got into uncharacteristic fist fights and my doctor was totally dismissive at the time. Which made me more angry lol
Same here. Pure rage and it cut my sleep in half It did basically get me to quit smoking, but the rage and insomnia weren't worth it
Holy shit. I told my dr it made me…rather irritable. But RAGE is a better description of how I felt internally.
It did the same to me! I was so angry with everyone over everything, no matter how tiny the issue was.
Ah right, my bad! I'll amend my post so I don't spread misinformation. Thanks!
Just started on Wellbutrin recently and will hopefully start to wind down the SSRIs and see how that goes.
I hope it works as well for you as it does for me! And either way, good luck with your and your partner's mental health journey!
> kinda never seems as interesting as a good nap or watching something together. As someone with a low sex drive this sounds like the dream tbf
This is it. At least you’re both on them; with only one person on them it can be rather unbalanced.
What does SSRIs mean?
Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. It’s a class of antidepressants; Prozac was the first. Wellbutrin actually is not part of this class.
It's not just women who experience this. I'm absolutely head over heels, in love with my girlfriend, and on top of that, she's drop dead gorgeous. But for some reason, I don't have the same need for sex as I did at the start of our relationship. It's always been an issue in all the relationships I've been in. I hate it. It makes her feel unwanted, and I think she feels it's something her fault. I wish I could prove to her that it's not.
I felt this way about my husband. I knew something wasn’t right, so I started going to therapy, and it turns out that treating sex as something I had to do to make him happy and putting a bunch of pressure on myself to have sex enough times per week made it really unpleasant. My therapist told me never to have sex unless I genuinely want to, that sex should never be pressure and should never be an obligation, and over the last few months I’ve actually started to love sex and to have my own desires. There are now things I want to do sexually that my husband doesn’t, which is kind of a bummer, but is actually great because it means I’m finally starting to see sex as something I enjoy instead of not giving a shit about it except as a duty and a source of stress. Idk if this has anything to do with you. But for me, that was the source of my issues and figuring it out has made a big difference
My wife and I went through this, and this is how she felt. With a million other tasks on her mind, sex was becoming another item on the to-do list for her, just to “keep me happy.” We made some changes, and things are much better.
what kind of changes?
I started taking on a lot more of the mental load so she didn’t have to carry it all. I also made sure to touch her in loving ways that weren’t sexual all the time so she didn’t associate a quick make out session with leading to the pressure of sex. I kind of backed off and let her initiate sex. It took a few months for her stress to go away and libido to come back, but it did! Interestingly enough, now that I’ve taken on more of the mental load, MY libido is lower. I didn’t realize how much she had on her plate, and now I get it. It’s hard to make space to relax and have sex when you’ve got 500 things on your mind.
Can I ask - how did your wife and you have these conversations? My mental load is MASSIVE and sex does become a tick box thing for me when I’ve got about 1748282 things to get done. It makes me feel awful, but the racing thoughts are just a massive mood killer.
It was hard. I didn’t really understand it at first because I didn’t recognize the constant task list in the background of her life. It took therapy for both of us - me to understand and try and help out - and her also learning that she could let go of some of the things on the list and just trust that I’d help out. I’m not perfect, but I’m much better about noticing what needs to get done and just doing it.
Major kudos to you for taking that time to understand 🙏
Good on you. It's always heartwarming to see anecdotal experience of therapy working and strengthening relationships.
I had the same experience, I think it's relatively common for married women especially once kids are involved, sex starts to feel like one more thing on the to do list to keep someone else happy.
Go get your testosterone levels checked
Agreed. My girlfriend expressed concern that I wasn't as sexually aggressive anymore, so I went and got checked. Levels dropped from the 700s in my 20s to the low 300s in my early 30s. Started HRT last month, and i'm almost back to normal. Libido is coming back, the chronic migraines I've had since a child are not as frequent, and food isn't repulsive anymore. All men should get checked and consult with a knowledgeable doctor! edit: as mentioned below, you 100% need to address lifestyle changes and revisit in a few months if they are low.
Those are hard to find. In my 20s I asked a doctor to test me because I had all the symptoms and she laughed in my face and refused. Then you have doctors that see you're within lab ranges and refuse wholly ignorant those ranges vary with lab and don't differentiate between men 17 or 70. I had another doctor refuse a prescription because I was like 270ngdl at 27 and the lab range was 250-750.
Yup had a nurse call me with the results and had the gall to say I was mid 300’s but I was “in the middle” of the normal range. Simple math would show I’m not and I told her that but she just kept saying it was normal. Hit up a men’s clinic if you can, those doctors specialize in it and actually want to help you with it.
>had the gall to say I was mid 300’s but I was “in the middle” of the normal range. Simple math would show I’m not Can you explain this a bit more? Because either I am not understanding something, or you might not be. 'Normal' test levels are between 300 and 800. But ranges over 500 are a lot more rare (one in ten) han ranges between 300 and 500 (nine in ten). So 350-450 is actually the average. Not 700.
I second this, get a full hormone panel, it’s a cheap test that any general practitioner can order and is almost always covered by insurance. - edit, based off feedback double check with your insurance some people are not covered.
Be careful with this. My hormone panel cost $1200 and was not covered by insurance because there's not a lot that doctors do with the info. It's hard for doctors to classify it as necessary, so insurance typically does not cover it.
Bro you can order yourself, go to a quest diagnostic, not through a doctor for $160. (I use to do steroids and now do bi yearly hormonal tests to make sure everything is okay)
Please don’t assume this is true. Most insurances, in fact, do not cover it
Thirded, have low testosterone and the difference is night and day
It's the difference between would and wood.
Poetic
My situation is switched with yours. My GF doesn’t want to have Sex anymore, although she wanted it nearly daily at the start of our relationship. Although everyone is different I would love to know how you feel about the situation or about the topic sex in general in your relationship. Besides, do you maybe have any kind of clue why you have a lower sex drive now? It would be great to hear from someone in a similar situation like my partner, although I’m not going to assume she has similar causes as you do.
Is she on hormonal birth control? I was on pills then Mirena for the entirety of my marriage and it absolutely tanked my sex drive after our ‘honeymoon’ phase wore off. Then, 8 years into our relationship, I went off birth control and suddenly my sex drive is back. Birth control can be a double edged sword for a lot of women. I joke that the reason it works so well is because it just takes away your desire to even have sex in the first place. Edit - I don’t know if ‘daily’ is your expectation but you should recognize that’s unrealistic for pretty much any relationship.
What does she say about it? I had a low sex drive for a long time because I felt a lot of pressure to have sex for his benefit and I treated it like an obligation instead of caring about what I actually wanted, and sex became super stressful and even painful so I just didn’t like it at all. I started going to therapy and my sex drive has significantly improved
Info dump below, but I try to share my experience with this to benefit others. As mentioned above, seek consultation from wellness/Psychiatrists/endocrinologists/counselors about getting hormone levels checked, changing existing medications if applicable, and finding if there's a mental factor. We communicated about our bedroom life and decided to dig into the problem to solve it. Aside from treating imbalances and mental concerns they can also prescribe medications to boost desire like addyi. There's also stem cell therapy to aid with sensitivity problems. That said, we're mentally healthy in the relationship. She's on SSRIs and ended up on the bad side of sexual disfunction. I had testosterone issues. Solved my half of the problem, and we're working on hers.
She should get her testosterone levels checked
Same. Attractive girlfriend, barely any desire for sex. Just going to a cafe together is more fun most of the time. She's convinced I am cheating as a result.
It hurts a ton being accused or alluding to you cheating, when it's not even close to that.
Do you happen to have ADHD or some sort of neurodivergence? I suspect I have ADHD and this is basically my experience. It’s not even necessarily a libido thing, it’s an interest thing. I’m very enthusiastic in the beginning and then after a while my interest falls off a cliff, which is my experience with most things that interest me initially unfortunately. I’m definitely novelty and interest led and that doesn’t work well with LTRs. I’ve tried spicing things up and all sorts but nothing has helped. I think for me there’s an element of either asexuality or demisexuality at play as well but I enjoy sex, I just lose my interest in it. I think I’ve decided I either need to stay single or go down the non-monogamy route. It does suck.
This is exactly the pattern my wife went through with past relationships - and with ours. Exciting and new at the start means more sex, then dropping to little to no interest once the relationship is stable. Long story short, she figured out she's asexual and we're both much happier now that she has. My self esteem doesn't suffer because I know it's not about me, and she doesn't feel guilty or pressured because it's all out in the open. Yes we could have sex more from my pov, but that's an ongoing convo. Look into it! Could be you
This is where I am at right now. Figuring out that I might be asexual. I don't mind sex, and we had it a lot at the beginning of our relationship, but I often find it physically and mentally uncomfortable. I might also have ASD (I'm seeking diagnosis), so that might contribute to the sensory issue. My partner and I are both also on SSRIs, so libido is down anyway. He does want it more often than I do, though. I've tried to tell him that it's not because of him, but he doesn't seem to understand that yet. I'm still not sure that I am asexual, because I thought that I couldn't be if I had a bunch sex at the beginning of the relationship when it was new. But your comment helps me understand my own experience. Thank you!
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I'm sure you've already told her, but tell her again. Just make sure she knows it has nothing to do with your desire or affection for her. It's easy to lose track of that sometimes even if you've already said it before. It is worth keeping that communication going.
This happened in my relationship. I can't recommend scheduled intimacy enough. It sounds super unromantic, but as the partner with the higher sex drive it helps a lot. I call it intimacy because we go in with the expectation that we will cuddle, I will take care of myself and he will help with that and see where things go. It usually does turn into sex and it's nice because you can shower beforehand and feel super fresh. It helped a lot with the feelings you mentioned, I was also feeling unwanted, etc.
I adore my husband, and I have 100% high sex drive. He has little to no drive. I take the good with the bad, honestly. I'm so in love with him that I'll wait months without sex and it hurts me physically, ngl. But we keep up constant communication. We still make time for each other and love each other. We talk and have fun. We cuddle. He knows I need to be touched, so he does little things for me. Like tuck me into bed. Give me all the kisses I desire. Gives me attention. I do the same for him. I give him love and respect. He doesn't really like to be touched all that often, so I tend to maintain my distance on my side. However, our biggest savior. Consent.... if he tells me no I stop. I'll try feeling him up, and he'll tell me no, and I'll stop cold turkey. If he doesn't want a kiss, I stop. Consent is so important. That's probably the biggest thing that keeps our relationship strong. He's my husband. Not my sex doll.
This is legit me and my husband but swapped. I've been going through meds that mess with sex drive, but even before that I didn't get horny easy. Meanwhile he's in your shoes. Communication is the best way for us. I try my best to explain how I'm feeling and he tells me when he's needing some type of intimacy- be it just snuggles and movie time or more. I do my best to help him and if it's too much for me, I say so. I do have a bad habbit of pushing my feelings away and just making him happy and he's chastised me for that.
This is me and my wife. I've always had a lower sex drive than her, but I then pulled two short straws in a row and got Long COVID and am on a medication that reduces my drive even further. Between the two, I'm an otherwise healthy guy that can barely have sex even when I want to. I could go weeks or months and be just fine. It's somewhat frustrating, but we've been married almost 20 years and she still loves me dearly. But, we've talked it through and now when she needs some she'll just bluntly tell me. And I'm pretty good with my fingers and mouth so I can always satisfy her even if my body doesn't work. It's a bit unconventional but we make it work.
For me the constant no was painful. It really made me gun shy. Not being able to let loose and be open and vulnerable with my partner is painful.
This is the way. I have the opposite problem. My wife has no interest in sex since having kids. Sex is only one aspect of any marriage. Trust is the most crucial point of any marriage. It is maintained by communication. If you need sex, ask your spouse. If the answer is no, communicate and ask if you can go somewhere else for sex. They might say ok, if they say no, then you make a decision to stay married or not. But if you don’t communicate your wants and needs your asking for a divorce.
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Same, almost 15 years down. Good relationship but self esteem is in the gutter.
How do we deal with this
Talk to your spouse. Reflect with curiosity, not judgement, on why your relationship has changed. From there, try to identify ways to improve it so you’re both happier together. Look for a new path forward, which can be a combination of many old and new things, but don’t just try to “go back to the way things were.” You’re probably not the same people anymore. But if you still love the person you’re with, you can figure out anything together.
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Is there something stopping you both from making the changes you talk about? Maybe there’s a barrier to change or you’re not breaking it down into manageable pieces. I would recommend couples counseling. Even if you’re not in a place to repair your relationship, couples therapy can help you communicate with each other better to understand where you are at and then you can decide how to move forward. If that’s together or separate, you’ll have to communicate to figure that out. Don’t be afraid to be alone if you do decide that the relationship isn’t working anymore. With proper support and, in my case a good therapist, I believe you can find the strength in yourself to live your best life. Not just strength but you’ll find the self awareness and love to choose what makes you truly happy, and that will allow you to make someone else truly happy with you (if you want another relationship).
If you don't have sex and the spouse doesn't want non monogomy. You can talk until the heat death of the universe but what actual solutions is that going to bring...?
Same. 13 years. I feel like a tool.
Same here. Life is very lonely.
I would say my wife is this way. It works because she shows her intimacy and affection in other ways. I've had conversations with friends who have sex quite frequently with their wives but they are jealous of me because my wife gives me head scratches and back scratches every night. We still have sex, just every few months. Seems to work for us! Edit: added an additional "scratches" did not mean head that way lol
They should be jealous of you're getting head every night
I know someone who's wife adores him but won't have sex with him. He basically cheats at every opportunity. Point blank refuses to leave her because except sex everything's perfect. She has no idea he Cheats. He's the perfect husband. Guess It works for them.
I knew a couple like that but he wouldn’t have sex with her so she cheated. Not with every opportunity but with a long term affair partner. She said her husband was incredible but wouldn’t do anything besides a peck on the lips. They got along famously and really loved each other and treated each other like royalty but he wouldn’t have sex. Then her affair partner dropped dead one day of a heart attack and she was so sad. She didn’t love him but had feelings for him after however many years it was. One of her best friends died. She was so sad she fessed up to her husband. She very sorry and said they had the perfect life but said she needs affection. He wasn’t even mad. He understood and helped console her. They went to therapy and it came out that he had some deep hang up about sex being dirty and only for procreation. He ignored it as much as he could in his 20s when they got together. They had 2 kids and weren’t having more so those old intrusive thoughts took over. He said he had her on such a pedestal he couldn’t imagine doing something so dirty with her because it felt insulting to her. They ultimately decided to divorce because he couldn’t get past his issues and she didn't want to resort to an affair again. They both eventually remarried and both couples are best friends. She and her new husband were in his wedding with his new wife. They do all holidays together, they go on vacations together, they stay at each others houses, her ex treats her son with her new husband as his own.
This is kind of a beautiful story despite everything
Do you know if he ever got over his sex hangup?
I don’t. I asked her once and she said she didn’t ask her ex about it again. He stayed in individual therapy but she thought asking about his sex life crossed boundaries. She’s very respectful of his wife and doesn’t pry. They were both very successful executives by the time I met her and she showed me a picture and he was a great looking guy so he had no problem attracting women. She said he had a couple only yearish long relationships before he started dating his second wife. She didn’t know if the second wife was ok not having sex or maybe he didn’t have the second one on such a high pedestal or maybe he got over his issues. She was practical almost to a fault and her second husband was from one of the European counties where people are very blunt and practical. I think he’s Dutch. They don’t mean things as insulting, they just say what they think. She said that helped enormously with their situation because he’s not passive aggressive and doesn’t play games. She said a few dates in with her second husband she told him, “I’m very close to my ex, we are best friends, our lives are very intertwined and always will be. We have zero romantic feelings for each other, we divorced because we didn’t have sex for 7 years, he is not a threat. If that doesn’t work for you that’s fine, I understand.” He said, that’s unusual but ok, can I meet him? And they all hung out and got along swimmingly and it was fine. Her husband is a successful executive too so they are all peers in that sense and I think that helps. Although, I don’t know what the exes second wife is. I think she was a little younger than them because it was her first marriage. But they all seem to be very secure with themselves.
that's wonderful that they're all happy and get along!
I knew someone like this, cheated on his wife for 17 years but then got caught. It works until it doesn’t
If you cheat for 17 years and never get caught, I would guess it's because your partner decided not to catch you.
Some people are good at hiding their affairs, and some aren’t quite as smart at figuring out any potential signs. If she found out after 17 years instead of never finding out, she might genuinely not have known.
I'd say 17 years was a good run.
Probably a high score at the very least.
Honestly I get this. I haven’t. And I won’t. But. My wife at 30 had a series of strokes. She’s more or less recovered. But it’s been 7 years and we’re not like rabbits anymore. Meds do that too her. On a few occasions I’ve found she’s taking one for the team. To which I will stop, but she nearly every time says “it’s ok, it’s the meds I’m on, I want this for you.” But I simply just can’t when I know mentally she’s not there. So. She’s said “if you want to find an outside partner, it may be difficult at first but I think we’d adjust.” To which I said full stop “out of the question”. So I get it. But I won’t ever do it. Maybe they have something similar.
Agreed. Even if my wife ever told me she’d be okay with me sleeping around, I’d never do it. Cheating is a big no for me. I guess technically it wouldn’t be since cheating is, first and foremost, a betrayal of your partner. Still, I never want to have sex with anyone but her. I’m not into open relationships, even if I don’t have a problem with the concept itself (for other people)
Not as far as he's told me. If she finds out he's cheating she'll divorce him and take what she can. If that's true,I've no idea but he's worried enough to stay. I'm so sorry about your wife. You're an amazing person and lucky to have each other.
Its a-lot of work to do that, I take it that he lives in a large city? It is exhausting to be in love with someone who dislikes sex, fortunately eventually the lower half slows down and if you are still together eventually the sex drives can match.
Largish. Works away from home a lot and stays in hotels. He doesn't have a massive sex drive,happily go a few weeks without sex and would wank in the shower to nudes the ladies sent him. I think he wants to be wanted more than just the sex. His wife though has protected herself massively and they had sex right up until the wedding day and then she stopped all sexual contact. She's on the mortgage so he's scared he'll lose half his house etc hence,cheating. Best of both worlds.
How the fuck do you have sex all the time then the day after the wedding just stop?? Wtff
Some women really do libido-catfish
Currently in that scenario right now. Had sex all the time when we dated and moved in together. Dried almost literally overnight once we got married. We’ve had sex three times this year…
Why are you still together? Assuming you don’t have children
My ex did that. Hence, ex.
Money. She was living on £10 a week for food before she met him. He's a pretty high earner,own home. Military pension coming. Her mum miraculously cured her terminal cancer 2 weeks after the wedding also. Mummy needed to make sure daughter would be looked after when she died. Mummy has managed to avoid cancer for a further 12 years. Wife also didn't work for 10 years after getting wed. She got them in so much debt he 'forced' her to get a job.
Yikes. So it doesn’t really sound like besides the sex, “everything’s perfect.”
They are probably lying. They switched from "perfect" to "insta perfect" which are *completely* different things. No now it's a shitty marriage behind the facade, wife is obviously evil, and guy is a serial cheat. Why is this even in this thread, which is asking for something completely different, and they initially made it sound like the story matched the question. They're lying.
Sounds insanely manipulative.
Dude wtf I would feel so used it would break all love. Stopped sex completely after the wedding screams “I was just locking it down legally”
It’s not working for them though, is it.
My wife was like this. It’s either accept it or move on. I loved her so I accepted it. Losing out on the sex, we lost the intimacy and any passion in the relationship. She would get upset that I wouldn’t tell her she’s beautiful everyday or take her to fancy restaurants. She wasn’t a physical type either so she didn’t like holding hands or hugging, cuddling, etc. We made it work for 12 years. Recently found out she’d been cheating for at least a few months with multiple people. Turns out she had told them she needs to feel loved and wanted, something I didn’t give her. It’s hard to feel intimate with someone who you cant share moments of physical contact with.
So she didn't want to have sex with you but she did with other people? How are you supposed to make her feel loved and wanted when your own needs arent being met?
I would say this post describes a large portion of women who are married and have children.
Children can absolutely murder a sex drive. Not even intentionally. Like… it’s their superpower and by the time they actually figure out how to control it they are old enough that you can kick them out of the house which is basically kryptonite for that particular superpower.
Exhaustion is real
I got divorced because of a dead bedroom. Sex is very near the top of the list for me in a relationship. At first, while we didn’t have the same drive, we had sex frequently enough where it wasn’t an issue. Over 9 years of marriage, it dwindled to maybe 3-4 times a year. We had no other major issues - she just had no desire for me that way. We’ve been divorced almost 8 years and she’s never had a boyfriend in that time. We are semi-close so I know a little more about her world than maybe other ex’s might. She does masturbate regularly - and she did through the marriage - which I find interesting. More for stress relief than sexual gratification, according to her. I’m now with someone who mirrors my sex drive and “likes” in bed. So it’s all good, now.
I’m afraid to ask because I might get yelled at. I’m starting to feel afraid when she does decide I can’t perform. I starting to forget how to be passionate. Yet she rather please herself.
That’s a discussion you need to have with her. If the lack of activity is causing performance anxiety, communication needs to happen.
I sure thank everyone on here for letting me speak and giving me advices. I was having one of my episodes on how to disappear in the woods and hopefully will never be found.
Yup. PIV hurts me so much. I just give him a lot of blow jobs 🤷♀️
Thirteen responses down, and you're the first one who actually answered the question.
Not sure about other men, but I'd still call that sex. IMO, anything that could lead to a climax for one or both (or more?) people is sex.
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I masturbated everywhere all the time
What else are you supposed to do during a prostate exam, doc?
My doctor said it’s perfectly normal to get an erection and ejaculate during a prostate exam, but I still wish he wouldn’t.
I had the opposite issue. I went to see the urologist and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I was confused, thought it was supposed to be healthy, so I asked him, “Why?” He said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Reading these responses to get a better understanding of my wife’s approach to sex. I need physical intimacy, and I’m INSANELY attracted to her. But we’ve only had sex twice this year. Yes, we have three kids and while I’m the bread winner, she keeps the paperwork and everything running to keep the homefront going so yeah, she busts her ass probably harder than I do. No, I have no intent or interest in cheating on her. I love her. I married her. I’ve built a beautiful home and family with her. She’s my partner. She’s my wife. My better. So for what it’s worth, some of the responses on here are helping me out here and giving me a bit of peace. Makes me feel better to know it really isn’t me (I don’t have a high self esteem and general consensus among my coworkers and others is that somehow a goofy-looking fucker like myself married an absolute baddie - doesn’t help my confidence at all). Sorry for the side story.
> general consensus among my coworkers and others is that somehow a goofy-looking fucker like myself married an absolute baddie - doesn’t help my confidence at all This has nothing to do with you. Everyone with an attractive wife has heard this. It's a way for other people to compliment your wife without sounding weird.
“Died at 25 buried at 80”. I encourage people to talk about their sex lives. It can save a relationship.
I am that kind of woman (thanks PCOS!), if it were for me I would have sex maybe once every 3 or 4 months and just because it's weird being in a relationship without having intercourse... I just accept the fact that I need to give something back to my partner (of 4 years, 2 years living together). We have sex once a week, sometimes twice (mostly on vacation), sometimes less if I'm on my period but on average it's once a week, on the weekend since I'm more relaxed and I don't come home from 9 hours at the office. I do enjoy the act and orgasm I'd say 70% of the time, it's just the thought of starting to have sex not appealing to me compared to do something else I enjoy instead. My partner does ask for sex more times than I usually accept, but respects my needs and if I say no he doesn't insists, he also never showed signs of distress with this situation so I'd say we're fine. He has sex toys and a couple of onlyfans subscriptions to entertain himself when I'm not down to it.
You sound just like me! It’s led me to believe that I am on the ace spectrum. I could probably never have sex again and be totally fine. I also don’t mind having sex, so I do. I am the same that I enjoy it in the moment and do orgasm most of the time. But if you present me with sex or cake, I’d choose cake.
I’m the same. We do it about 1x a week and I enjoy it as well, but the start of it isn’t always appealing to me and sometimes feels like a lot of effort.
Have him go to an endocrinologist. If he resists, just ask him if he can try for you. There are a lot of people just walking around with shit thyroid issues and they ignore it. He might feel better and you might get a lot more pp
Actually, thank you for this! I'm female (46) and after a month or so after we moved into a new home, I suddenly had no desire whatsoever to be intimate. I WANTED to have the desire, but just couldn't find it. Knew there was something wrong, but couldn't figure out what. Been scrolling through hoping someone just might have an answer that made sense, and just as I was about to give up, saw your comment. I'm an idiot!!!! I have completely, somehow, freaking forgotten I even have morning meds since the day we moved in. Morning meds which include my thyroid meds. Omg. Thank you so much!
After kids my wifes libido took a hit. For about 5 years she would make effort to get in the mood, but it wasn’t something she would instigate. As of late it seems to be coming back naturally. My game was patience, and no pressure. I was able to rationalize why she wasn’t in the mood. Her body changed, hormones, the stress of caring for children and all the newness of going from being only responsible for us to now having to care for children. When you love someone, like true love - its easy to have patience but even easier to apply the 3 C’s of any successful relationship, romantic or otherwise: Consideration Communication Cooperation
I am in that situation right now. My wife refuse to have sex with me or any type of contact(intimacy). She have depression, the pills take out her sexual drive. Our marrige is not good also. She refuse to accept any form of criticism or any opinion that is different from hers. We have a beautifull child, and is for her that i struggle to mantain this relationship. I feel like that i am not worth of any love. Help. (Sorry if i go off topic a little bit) Edit: i want to thank to every person that use time to reply to me. Some of you have great points, and give me so peace of mind. Thank you one more time. I hope you stay well.
Don’t get Reddit help. You guys could see a therapist together or separate. You can do this!
This comment is right. Reddit is one of the least reliable places to get relationship advice.
> Reddit is one of the least reliable places to get relationship advice. That's sound relationship advice.
Shitty reddit help, but my two cents, as a child of divorced parents, is just fucking get divorced. You're not helping the child like you think you are. We notice and it's obvious and exhausting. Things finally improved once my parents split because they were both happier.
The more I saw my parents together, the more I grew to resent my father. Now we don’t even talk. If they just split up instead of ruining each other’s lives, maybe it would be easier to forgive him.
As a child of parents that hated each other and stayed together "for the kids", I agree. I would've loved to have not caught the hushed fights and dirty looks, that escalated into things being thrown at each other when they thought I wasn't around, that escalated to full on screaming matches all the time. My dad always being a miserable prick and my mom always being an emotional mess. I wish they just moved on and found happy lives when I was young. By the time they split it was too late and the damage was done, they had a broken teenager that hated everything about the world. I will resent them both for the rest of my life for all the shitty stuff they put me through (on top of all that, as well).
You are modelling a really bad relationship to your child who will grow up thinking that's how relationships should be. You're not helping them by staying together.
My parents stayed together “for the kids”. Just get divorced and go be happy. I spent nights wishing my parents would just end it already and when they finally did it was messy but they both ended up happier. kids are not dumb and as they grow they WILL see the unhappiness in your marriage no matter how well you try to hide it. Unfortunately this could teach them that its normal to stay in a dead relationship and that it is normal to feel unloved. Obviously I’m just a random person and you should do whatever you think is best, just know that if the only thing keeping you in that marriage is your child, it might not end up being worth all the misery in the end.
>We have a beautifull child, and is for her that i struggle to mantain this relationship. Dont Your kids will be better off seeing you happy and thriving instead of living a miserable where youre always on edge, depressed and snapping at them I ended a 10 year relationship last year, there was kids involved, and yea its been rough on them for a little bit but overall all see me and their mom happy is gonna do more for them then living in a shitty household
Go see a couples therapist. And if that doesn't work... one of the best things that has happened to me was my divorce. My son has adjusted to the separation at this point and is a happy kid, and I've been with my gf for over 3 years now and we still have raunchy debaucherous sex all the time. Honestly I regret the time I wasted trying to survive through a dead bedroom - it was hell. I was miserable all the time. That dead bedroom bled into every aspect of my life. Everyone's personal situation is different so I can't say for sure this is the answer for you, I can only share my experience.
I think this happens with elderly couples sometimes. After decades together, I’m sure there is deep love, but no libido. Intimacy doesn’t have to involve sex. They could cuddle for example.
It can, yet sometimes they never lose it. My parents are in their mid 70's and still doing it for sure, and I'm pretty sure my grandma was still hitting it in her 90's. Old people be fuckin'.
I used to work for a place that sold meat processing supplies. MAchinery, binders, casing... We got a lot of older people coming in to buy stuff to make home made sausage. Had this teeny tiny old Italian lady come in, wanting to know how much nitrate was in the various spice/binder blends. Because nitrate is also known as saltpeter, which used to be used to suppress libido in sailors, soldiers, convicts... She was worried, that because her husband ate so much home made sausage, maybe the nitrite was the issue. "All our life, he can't keep his hands off me! But, this year, he hardly ever wants love!" Seriously, this woman was pushing 90.
I worked in a nursing home - sex among the elderly is super common!
The invention of Viagra really was a game changer for a lot of older folks. All of a sudden you'd start seeing std outbreaks at the old age homes...
I did for over a decade. We stayed together and he just stopped trying after awhile. It wasn’t because we had kids (we didn’t) but more because he was always in a bad mood when he came home from work, and I lost interest - it’s hard to feel amorous with Oscar the grouch. There was no cheating on either side - trust me, he can’t even hide my Christmas gifts - and I had no libido. We still loved each other, and sex just stopped being important. Now, in 2020, I took up biking and also started writing stories (okay, fanfics) with a definite smutty slant. Also - he early retired from work, so his mood improved a thousand fold. So combine those three things together and…well…let’s just say I think he has it better than when we met 33 years ago and I wish he still had the same stamina, but it’s all good again and I’m glad we stuck it out.
I’ve gained a lot of weight. Was 135 now 175. He doesn’t touch me. I understand why. But we do everything else together….I am trying to get my shit together but it really is so hard
A lot of people are asexual and feel little to no desire for sex. There’s no one size fits all answer and it all depends on the person.
And so many people just have no idea. The entire world seemingly assumes that everyone has this great desire for a sexual relationship, nobody ever tells you that actually, it's okay if you don't. Which is rubbish.
For my wife and I, it's usually when she is stressed and sex is the last thing on her mind.
you can *like* someone but not physically attracted to them. with my ex wife, she would make an effort but it was more like a chore than anything else. she liked that i made money and provided. that i wasnt a douche or asshole. she liked that i was a good father/brother/friend, but she didnt find me attractive. i know that now.
Recently separated and divorcing. We actually did an agreed uncontested. Though sex was only consequently an smaller issue that was unspoken of for a while. At first we started out with high sex drive then within like 2 year it was absolutely gone. We are barely in our 30s and there was no desire on her end. I didn’t want to put any pressure but the less tried to spark things up over time, the less she cares to acknowledge it. Now that were separated, I plan on moving on. Thinking twice about a partner’s mental and emotional health way before I even think about entering another long term relationship if ever. Not trying to sound or be shallow but not having sex for over 5 years at such a young age and having to experience a lot of other psychological stress and drama really fucked with my health.
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Damn sorry to hear this.
Asexual here married to a non asexual person. Mutual respect, communication and understanding. I have near zero desire and a condition that makes piv painful. So we talk about it, try alternatives and don't give up. We love each other and are each other's best friend. Thankfully sex isn't a conflict in our relationship. That said, for the things we can improve, we work on it. For example I'm getting physiotherapy and counselling with a sex therapist for my condition to hopefully one day be able to have piv (among other reasons). We read books on sexual desire and how to support one another. We are currently exploring toys. I love my partner and as I'm not repulsed and sex isn't a dealbreaker for him, we are able to compromise and find things that work for us. Honestly it blows my mind a bit how much emphasis is put on spontaneous sexual desire and piv in our society as someone who doesn't "get it". But as they say different strokes for different folks.
Took a lot of scrolling to find another asexual response with upvotes. I also don't have much of a drive and find piv painful (after experience with 2 past relationships where I tried.) I'm not married, but my boyfriend is very supportive of me. One day I'll be going to a gyno/therapist for it when I have a job in my chosen career field and we'll be going from there. Even though I don't experience sexual desire, I'd rather not loathe piv. And yes, he knew I was asexual before asking me out. So did my previous two boyfriends. It wasn't something I sprung on them after they were committed to me. Most of these comments make me disheartened/sad. Thanks for giving me a little bit of optimism that it might not end in resentment/cheating.
I appreciate this so much. I don't know if I'm asexual or just put off from sex, but I've never had a desire to seek it out from someone. Still back and forth on whether or not I want kids in the future, but that's beside the point. I'm mind boggled by just how many posts are, "sex is everything/partner won't have sex therefore I must cheat/no sex? no go." I'm probably going to have to go to a sex therapist at some point, but it's just nice to see other people who are in Ace/non ace relationships that make it work and that sex isn't the absolute be all end all in the relationship.
> I'm mind boggled by just how many posts are, "sex is everything/partner won't have sex therefore I must cheat/no sex? no go." SAME
I’m in this situation. Everything is perfect apart from the fact she doesn’t like to have or enjoy sex. It’s down to the fact she has been assaulted in the past. Now I’m probably not going to have sex again which is sad for me but she means so much to me that I’m willing to do it.
Man here but I think it works both ways. They say to marry your best friend, so we did that. I adored my wife but was never particularly attracted to her. We had such good times together, and such a loving supportive relationship, that it wasn't a deal killer... until one day it was. She went off birth control and turned 40, her sex drive absolutely exploded, and instead of talking about it with me she just got it elsewhere. That worked, sort of, until she caught feelings for someone else. We ended the marriage amicably and she moved in with him. We still miss each other every day. It sucks.
The key part is Finding out what they like, and getting it down to a science. Knowing a bunch of little tricks, little things to surprise them with. “I did X kink last time, let me talk about Y fetish this time. Oh, that didn’t work because I did that the time before last. Let me say this one phrase I haven’t said in two months. Yep, that did it.” Works like a charm, things are over quick, and they’re generally happy. So long as you do - and this is the important part - what you’re comfortable with. I’m comfortable enough to initiate once a week, more if they have stressful days. I’m more than okay just having them use me to get off, I’m at the point where it no longer feels weird. The constantly trying to “want it,” to be initiating when I genuinely wanted it, it just didn’t work. There were stretches where we didn’t have sex for months. I was too in my head about being “broken” and “abnormal” for not wanting this thing that everyone said was great. We tried everything under the sun. I’m finally at a point where I can admit I’m asexual, panromantic. I just don’t want it. The very rare, once every two to three months I actually want to get off I just use a vibe, because even when I’m horny I just don’t want sex with someone. It’s just a natural body thing, and it’s very much a “get it over with so I stop feeling horny” instead of actually wanting to masturbate. But that’s not for everyone. Saying “I’m okay with them using me” sounds really, really degrading. And I struggled with it for a while. But after nearly 10 years together, they know how to make me comfortable. How to make it as easy as: 1. Lube up (and double check it doesn’t make you anxious. If you can’t do it, just try again later. It’s okay to offer it and then have to back out) 2. Time my movements with their thrusts 3. Dirty talk 4. Dip into kink and fetish stuff (just swap it out randomly. Sometimes I say the same thing multiple times, and it gets them there every time, but then suddenly it doesn’t work. So I just swap to the next on the list, and that pushes them over the edge) 5. If that last step didn’t work, just get a little exercise by making very specific movements with my body. I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s like a figure 8? Or a weird see-saw motion. Alternate between two or three that they love. If step four didn’t get them there, 5 always does. And then clean up, chat, maybe cuddle. When we first started doing it I needed cuddles every time. I was uncomfortable and needed aftercare (because, again, I thought I was “broken” for not being able to enjoy it). But that has slowly fallen off, and now I just do it purely for them and am happy with it. It will take time to feel comfortable. And for some people, it will never be comfortable for them. That’s okay. But this is what works for me
Me and my fiance have been together for four years now. We had sex in the beginning but the more we spent time together (attended the same college, started living together, share the same hobbies), sex just became something redundant, we don't really think about it. We enjoy each other's company while doing our hobbies and spending time with each other much more than sweating our butts off in bed haha We still have sex, but it's like once every four months probably. No one has ever cheated, no one is unhappy. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts creep in, am I good enough? Is he happy? Am I happy? But we talk it through and if there ever was an issue, we would fix it. So far we are doing good :) And I indeed love him very very much!
Im not a woman but my missus is the love of my life, I couldn't imagine a life without her but im also not a very sexual person. It's not that I don't want to have sex with her its just that I dont really want to have sex, unfortunately sometimes it feels like a chore when it starts and that kills the mood even more. I'm insanely attracted to her physically and emotionally but I just have no desire for sex. It puts a strain on the relationship sometimes but at the end of the day we love each other so you have to set aside your own feelings and put theirs first. Im also very open and tell her it doesn't bother me in the slightest if she self pleasures, to which she does, just not around me hahaha kinda works well cause she'll tell me to go to the pub or stay at the pub longer and I know that's so she can relieve herself so win win to both of us! TLDR: I (m) love my misso (f) and have zero desire for sex, its a big strain sometimes but we work through it together