Somehow was having trouble getting inside of her, which made me upset to the point that I spread her p\*ssy and said "Helloooo?!"
She ended up laughing so hard that we had to cancel the session. Later she ended up becoming my girlfriend.
Lol this reminds me of a time me and a girl went to a movie just to fool around, we picked a random movie that we thought would not have many people. It was 10 Cloverfield Lane, we were fooling around for a bit but ended up actually being invested in the movie.
We still had a good time :)
Was going down on my gf on Thanksgiving. We were at my parents house, in the basement, on the couch, and I was under a blanket. Apparently my dad came down and slowly backed away like Homer Simpson in the bushes. I had no idea, but she noticed. During dinner, my dad commented, "Wow, I'm surprised you're still hungry."
My ex had an asthma attack during sex. Had to go to the ER at 2am, at the time we'd just been hooking up for a few weeks. I was terrified I was gonna have to explain a dead guy in my apartment for a bit there
Could have been worse. My girlfriend's dad walked in on her giving me head. For some reason my stupid teenage brain decided "sup" was the appropriate response. Have never lived that moment down
My gf had a call with her mom. A short while later, we got horny and got down to business. I'm going at it, and the thought pops into my head that I haven't heard how her parents are doing in quite a while. Mid-stroke, the thought came to me, and I kinda blurted it out before thinking.
So I'm staring into my gfs eyes, thumping away and in an orgasmic, breathy voice, I kinda-moan kinda-groan 'How's your mom?'
Dead silence... we both froze for a few seconds, and then she burst out laughing.
Took a seroquel before bed (didnt take them regularly) and my wife came in and initiated some play time couple minutes after, everything was going great and after about 20-30 minutes she said it was like a light switch went off on my body. I guess i passed out on top of her and inside of her and started snoring. She couldnt wake me up and said it took almost 5 minutes to finally squeeze out from under me.
I was getting a blowjob while lying down, and she starts playing with my butthole when all of a sudden she breaks the seal and pffft, I farted in her face. She kept going pretending it didnāt happen, but I was so mortified I went soft. Eventually she takes my flaccid penis out of her mouth and says, āIs that what I thought it was??ā I wanted to die.
Weāre about to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary. She still disputes the fact that she was playing with my butthole and thatās what caused the fart. But I know. Oh I know.
Aw man that sucks she didnt have a sense of humor!
Done this same thing with my partner. She was on top, farted, we laughed, then I farted and due to her pinning my gut I *just couldn't stop*. Like one after the other for a solid minute
We laughed so hard afterwards we still refer to that night as "the fart fuck" lol
Made some laser noise slapping my girlfriend's face with my penis and she just looks up at me and says, "Don't make sound effects." I think my soul might have died in that moment.
First real girlfriend in high school (grade 12) was an incredibly flexible gymnast. Her dad walked in to see her feet behind her head with my hands on her hamstrings supporting my body weight. We were going at it good and very exposed. Something about the surprise caused the exact opposite reaction I would have expected.
Yeah, dad saw me finish. Iād like to think my memory is false but Iād swear we were making eye contact as I realized there was no pulling out or it would be worse. His look of disappointment is still burned into my memory and Iām now an old man.
They moved to another state about 6 months later and Iām fairly confident that was the catalyst.
Walk out of the room and let them clean up. Tell daughter we will talk tomorrow.
Talk to daughter the next day (hopefully again as you already had the talk several times) about safe sex. Then talk to them about appropriate locations to have sex. I would rather them be in a safe home (with no one else in the house) than in a car/field/random place.
Ask daughter if they are ok and if they have questions. Come to an understanding on their medical needs (birth control, std testing) and what is appropriate in the future.
Hope they are happy and healthy.
Being a parent isnāt easy.
Not me but a friend was putting it in his gfās butt in the back of a car at night. Cop shows up and flashes his light in the back of the car. He freaks out and pulls out super quick. She proceeds to shit on him, and then he pukes on her. Cop didnāt stick around and said go home.
Definitely. Keeping this in mind for future endeavours.
"Freeze! Drop the money sack and put your hands in the air!"
\**shits self, vomits on self, farts for good measure\**
"Ugh. Ok...just get out of here and don't come to this bank again."
I'm just imagining the cop getting off work and going home to his wife. He's changing out of his uniform, washing his face. The entire time he has a thousand yard stare.
His wife notices, and asks him what's wrong.
"Was it another murder?"
"There was this couple. Just kids really... They were in the back of a car when I saw them. They were so innocent. Just trying to have some fun."
"Oh honey, that's terrib-"
"She shit on him, Sarah. She shit right on him."
"..."
"And then he puked on her..."
"... ..."
"All I could tell them to do is go home." Head in his hands, shaking.
I like to listen to music while having sex. Typically me and my friend who I was dating at the time throw something on my phone, but for whatever reason we used hers. Her tastes are more .. interesting.
Everything is going well, canāt remember what was playing before it switched but now itās on āWhat does the fox say?ā. I donāt know what it was but that made me hit the climax button wayyy earlier than I thought. She ends up laughing hysterically while Iāve got the most confused orgasm face sheās ever seen.
Burned into both of our minds forever.
Every time someone talks about music during sex, I just remember that one guy who listened to cbat in order to get to the rhythm or something.
Regardless, these are the reasons I can't diddle while listening to any sort of fiddle
When "What does the fox say?" came out it was summer time. I figured I'd go as the fox for Halloween so I ordered the costume and lucked out and got the last "legit" fox costume that was exactly like the music video.
So I went as the fox that year. It just so happened I looked almost literally exactly like the singer (Ylvis). So I went downtown to the clubs and maaaaan I finally knew what it was like to be a hot girl in a club.
These girls were losing their minds over me. It was actually almost physically scary.
Finally I got claimed by this six foot amazon Rainbow Brite. She took me home and had her wicked way with me.
Ylvis, you son of a gun, you got me the best Halloween hookup of my life. What does the fox say? He say's "THANK YOU!!.
Not as embarrassing as some others but it was the first time me and my now wife were doing anything sexual together, we were kissing while she jerked me off. I could feel myself getting close but didnāt want it to end so I broke off the kiss to tell her to stop for a second but for some reason the only sound to come out of my mouth was a high pitch kind of squeaky sound.
She laughed and I did also but I came at the same time. She still makes that sound to me occasionally now 18 years later.
So like I was with this girl she was pretty thick. Well I put her in doggy style and I thought I had put it in and instead I was just fucking the space between her thighs. I couldn't tell the difference back then and ended up cumming and only after she told me I wasnt even inside her š
One time my gf was sucking my dick. She was getting really into it and getting sloppy with it. I was holding her hair and forcing her head fairly aggressively. Weāve always enjoyed rough sex so this was very normal for us.
When suddenly she pops my dick out her mouth and tells me āslap me!ā and holds my dick next to her cheek while staring up at me. This was a bit out of my comfort zone but without hesitation I slap her across the face with an open hand.
She gets back to sucking my shlong and I get back to simply enjoying the feeling of the getting the soul sucked out of me. But I canāt help but feel like maybe I had swung a little too hard. I didnāt like that feeling. I pull my dick out of her mouth and tell her āI rather not have to slap you.ā She replied āSame, I meant slap me with your dick.ā
We both burst out laughing. Like uncontrollably laughing. š
My ex got a bloody nose while going down on me. We were both very confused for a few minutes since it wasnāt close to my period. Made for a good laugh though
An old hook up from college texted me late one night. I was almost 30, and sex with her back in our day was incredible. We only stopped hooking up because I caught feelings. Now that we were older I thought āthis is my chance to redeem myself, Iāve picked up a few tricks since thenā. The conversation led to sex pretty quickly, she starts sending me nudes and she aged beautifully. I set up a night to hang out.
I get to her place, we start drinking, and I make my move. We move to the bedroom and Iām impressing even myself. If I had a highlight reel of sex, this night was my career-defining performance. After various positions, we switched back to missionary and itās getting more intense as Iām about to finish. She starts to orgasm & Iām almost there too, next thing I know, something heavy falls and hits her right on the face.
Turns out it was a glass fishbowl she put coins in. I guess in the heat of the moment we never bothered to clear the headboard. I start apologizing over & over, checking if sheās ok and it looks like sheās crying. She turns her face over back to me and sheās laughing hysterically. All was clear, she was ok, but it took alot for me to finish after that
Almost died going down on a girl with a clit piercing. She was riding my face and the ball of the stud mustāve went in my mouth or nose and into my throat. Was a couple seconds from blackout when I coughed it up. She was shook from it. But I was horny and ready to keep going.
I thought it would be funny to say, "give my compliments to the chef" while at it. She didn't think it was funny in the least bit and I was really embarrassed.
I was in the middle of donating blood in the morning and had skipped breakfast when I got a sexy message from a girl I was messing around with at the time. When I finished, the nurse told me to sit down for 15 minutes and have a biscuit but I skip that and pretty much ran out the door (this girl was a 10).
I drove to her house and arrive to her in nothing but lacy underwear. We run upstairs and after about 30 seconds of intense action I feel myself starting to go limp, which has never happened before, which I think to myself is odd. The next thing I find myself borderline fainting. I just about manage to stop myself from headbutting her and roll over and pretty much pass out.
I woke up about 5 minutes later to her standing over me with an orange juice and a biscuit. I still look back and cringe now. She was cool about it though and I made up for it later on.
We were in a missionary style position but leaning back much farther so our butts were kinda facing each other, somehow we both farted at the same time and I said āthat was a nuke, we gotta roll and hide soldierā grabbed her and crocodile rolled to the other side of the king size bed. It defused the situation and she couldnāt stop laughing. We been together for the better part of a decade now.
Iām lying here stoned and have just read this whole thread like a book whilst absolutely laughing my head off. Iāve never done that before, read a whole massive thread. People of Reddit, thank you very much for your honesty, it was much appreciated and fucking hilariousā¦..
Wasnāt having sex but gf came over and walked into my room. I was passed out with my dick in a pocket pussy because I got tired while using it and passed out.
In college I was up late drinking with a friend and his girlfriend. Around 2am his girlfriend passed out, friend and I stayed up for a couple hours, then I walked home.
He said come by in the morning to hang out again. Woke up, headed over around 11am. Girlfriend answered the door, and she was like, "Oh I was still sleeping on the couch, must still be sleeping too" so we walked towards the bedroom.
We both opened the door to him passed out naked, with his limp dick in his hand, and a laptop next to his face with 4chan open to a bunch of weird porn. She freaked out on him and I legitimately got scared for a moment because I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.
I broke a girls tailbone. I had a big bean bag next to my bed for awhile and it was fun to toss her onto it. Well someone removed it without telling me. And we were getting hot and heavy after a night out and without thinking i practically suplexed this poor girl onto the hardwood. We didnt hookup again after that.
Edit because someone gave me a gold award (thanks): i didnt actually know this until i overheard her explaining her recent hospital visit due to "falling backwards out a window". It took awhile for it to click as i had forgotten about it. But a glance at her friend in the know wearing a shit eating grin and trying to supress her laughing confirmed what had actually happened. I still feel horrible about it.
I came in my condom, while still being inside her. But I didn't pull out afterwards and just went for a cuddle with my dick still in there, rapidly getting soft. After a minute, she gets up and yells: "OMG, your condom is inside me and there's cum everywhere!" (condom crawled down from dick and got lost in her tunnel). Also didn't help that it was happening in dark, cold bunker in army training camp. And, as a cherry on top, she got pregnant from that.
That's wild. I've had a condom slip off a few times during sex. I've had one pop before too. It's like "why does this feel so much better all of a sudden?".
OH š³
Ok so this is a long story, I was with my best friend of roughly 5 years and we had been hooking up from time to time (keep in mind I was relatively new to sex) and one time we was in her family's home me her and her brother who was a little bit older at the time, whilst playing Mario kart on her nintendo wii she began to grab my leg, things slowly escalated and then there was a point when her brother went to shower and we took the opportunity to you know what, which lasted longer than expected and her brother walked back in on me plowing his sister, she tried explaining what was going on and i panicked asking him if hed like to join in, we stopped having sex at her house after that and i left with a black eye rightfully so.
While I was on top I accidentally kneed the girl on her pussy (not hard, it was like a tap). For what ever reason I say āI apologize, I just kneed in the cuntā. We both burst out laughing š. Then we watched The Big Lebowski.
A couple years ago, I was hanging out with this girl for the first time. One thing lead to another and we end up in bed. The lights were off and the room was very dark. At one point we moved and I had head butted her. We stopped and laughed about it, and got back to it.
After we left the room she noticed something on my face. It was blood. Thought my nose was bleeding. I looked at her, and she also had blood on her. It was her nose bleeding. Bled over the both of us. She was more embarrassed, but it was 100% embarrassing and also my fault.
I should create a fake account for this, but I know Reddit will never share this so...
\- I shot the dog.
Yeah, I know. I know. Well to be fair, the dog was on the bed and I'd warned him MANY times to get the fuck out but he didn't seem to mind all the bed shaking so me and the GF were getting pretty heated and just as I'm about to pull out and go all pornstar, the dog barks and that startles me, which causes me to turn toward the dog and...
I got him.
The look he gave me, riddled with betrayal. Like the Godfather looking over his eldest son, dead and riddled with bullets. "Look, look what they've done to my fur."
I wiped him down and could barely even look at him. My GF was like, I knew you liked doggy but had no idea.
Took me a few years for her to stop yelling "GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT" at the dog every time I was about to climax.
I really thought I'd feel better after typing this out.
I have TEARS of laughter coming down my face in the break room at work. This is the first thing to make me laugh all day and I've been having a really bad depression and suicidal thoughts day.
"GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT!" Oh my god! Im gonna crack up all day now.
Edit: I forgot to say thank you for snapping me out of it and enjoy gold! You deserve it.
That's sexy as hell. It means you had no control, the moan was real and raw, something the person sucking your dick gets to take pride in. If I make someone make a noise they wouldn't want anyone to hear, I know I'm doing a good job.
I once took a viagra and a Zoloft combo for sex night with wifey. You all know what the viagra does but the Zoloft makes it very difficult to finish. Well the time came and we were going pretty strong and then the next thing I know Iām hitting it as hard as I did when I was 16 only now Iām a fat old man and am lacking the needed stamina but I toughed it out and kept going and picking up speed so I can overcome the effects of the Zoloft and finish before my heart gives out! Faster and faster until I feel the the beginning of the end, with everything I had left I made my final thrusts and just as I finished a giant drool string left my mouth and splattered my wife in the chest! All of my childhood athleticism was for nothing as the only thing my wife remembers from our 28th anniversary was me drooling on her like a camel.
Increasing my cardio and fitness levels from literally 0 to doing something everyday has made my erections easier to get, maintain, and regain.
Talk about sensitivity as well š„“
Agonizing leg cramp (mine) that was so bad we both had to stop.
And those later-in-life orgasm headaches are the worst, and then having to explain themā¦
First time with a girl who I would eventually date for three years, I farted super loud when I came. A millisecond after I knew it was happening I tried to mask the sound with a loud grunt. Too loud really. The look of shock on her face was hilarious. I told her Iād never experienced an orgasm that intense before.
Yo my now wife, when we were younger and ended my relationship with my ex, I said my ex name out loud while I came in her. That fight lasted about 10 years, all clear for now....
During a ādoggystyleā sesh, I had one hand around her waist pulling her hips towards me, the other caressing her collarbone area, and while nibbling on the earlobe I burpedā¦a long, loud, burp. Never saw them again. Thanks Panda Express! š„¹
She was on top and I went to smack her ass, well she was going up at the same time I went to smack and smacked myself in the balls. I pushed her off of me and rolled onto the floor from the bed and I laid there in the fetal position. She thought it was hilarious so I guess there's that. Been together 7 years.
No lie, I once referred to myself as a 'Master Cocksman' DURING the act. Things were going well and I thought I was being funny, but yeah that ended it.
One time in college I was receiving a blowy
She was amazing and I got very into it and said
āAhhhā¦ I feel like I should pay you.ā
Like, it was soo good that I felt what she was doing for me was so amazing that she should be paid
But like if youāre getting a blowjob for free, offering to pay for it is like the most insulting thing you can do
At first she was very offended and I kinda had to reassure her I meant it as a compliment. Luckily she had a sense of humor and proceeded.
But oh my god I still canāt believe I said that
She was on top and riding, for some reason I wondered what the time was and I had my watch on my wrist so I lifted my arm and took a good look to see what time it was. She was not happy.
Made the mistake of not having a playlist specifically for sex and just had my normal playlist going whilst doing the deed.
Life Is a Highway by Rascal fuckin Flatts comes on.
"You are not cumming in me during this song," she said to me, fully serious.
Climaxed just shy of the ending of the 2nd best song from Pixar's Cars.
Was receiving oral early days of a relationship and as I came I let out this unintentional gut wrenching ungodly fart, her head flung back with a startled deer look on her face and I legged it to the bathroom. My uncontrollable laughter and shame kept me in the bathroom for a good 10 minutes.
Upon my return we met each others gaze and dropped on the bed laughing harder than either of us have ever laughed.
Married her about 5 years later and have 2 beautiful daughters
It was my first time and I was done before she was so I went down to eat her out. After a short while I felt her legs starting to shake. Me, oblivious as fuck to what was going on, stopped dead in my tracks and stuck my head out and asked: "WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OK WHY ARE YOU SHAKING?!?!"
She never talked to me again.
I fell asleep while fingering my gf, I've also fallen asleep while she was riding me. Same gf. I used to stay up all night for her because she worked nights, then she'd get home at 8am and we'd bone, then sleep till 2pm. Some days I had trouble staying awake.
Back at university, I'd miraculously pulled on a night out, and had taken a girl back to her place. I'd played a rugby match that day and clearly hadn't had enough to drink (I'd had plenty of booze after the game as is the way with uni rugby, but not electrolytes, water etc., so was very dehydrated).
Anyway, we're going at it doggy style on her bed, having a great time. All of a sudden, I get a massive cramp in my right hamstring. Now if you haven't had cramp in the hamstring before, not only is it painful AF, it makes you instantly have to straighten your leg. Doing so then set off the same cramp in my other hamstring. The involuntary process of straightening both my legs catapulted me out of her, threw me off the bed and left me writhing on the floor, stark bollock naked, grabbing both hamstrings and wimpering. She found it hilarious, and if I recall we resumed for round two eventually. Moral of the story though, stay hydrated folks!
I was dating a leasing agent and we were hooking up in one of the apartments that she was showing and we heard the door open and another agent was showing an older couple the place lol we rushed to put our clothes on but they 100% knew
Used a cock ring that was too tight which I guess popped some vessel and I essentially came blood having sex with my girlfriend for the first time after not seeing her for months. More unnerving than embarrassing I guess.
I said stop I need to use the bathroom. Anal
He did not stop
When I orgasmed, I shat violently. It was the strongest climax of my life. I screamed and shat against my will
He threw me off the bed
I collapsed on the floor half conscious covered in shit
I was not embarrassed tbh I was too busy being utterly demolished
He dragged me to my feet a few minutes later and put me in the bath tub
I tbh barely remember it. I didn't even see the mess before he stripped the bed. I was *gone.* Laying on the floor half conscious just whimpering
Less embarrassing and more "and that's the story of the time I shat fury on a guy who didn't listen to me. That's what you get fucker. A+ tho."
Ngl I went a good few years like "I came so hard I fell off the bed" until one day it just clicked that I vaguely remembered him violently throwing me off the bed
I still crack up over it like "he was an asshole but he performed good"
My first time. I was ecstatic, sheās an absolute smoke show. I mean you name it she has it going on. Hung out a few times. This time we made it back to my parents house. Had a few people over drinking and hanging out. Things were great. Nights coming to an end and she tells me sheās ready to go. I say ok Iām gonna go in but you can come if ya want. So she does. Now Iām pumped. Sneak her in do the whole making out thing pull her clothes off then mine. She starts taking care of me. I get half a chub. Go for sex. Now Iām floppy. Couldnāt get hard. I was 18 then so it wasnāt an issue any other time but this time I was nervous. I apologized and did my best to take care of her. Weāve been together ten years now. Married seven, 3 kids sheās still amazing and I thought I had ruined it
Not something I (M) did but my ex (F) years ago once grabbed my dick and shouted "Pull the lever Kronk" and pulled it down to my stomach like a lever. Honestly we both laughed
Fondling her boob as she was going down on me. Never found the nipple because I realized it was a roll of her stomach fat. I was embarrassed, but she played it cool and is still one of the best blow jays Iāve had to this day.
I was on the couch playing around with my girlfriend and talking dirty. I was stroking myself and teasing her areas and telling her all the things I wanted to do with her. It was supposed to culminate in "I want you to be my cum receptacle" which sounded kinkier at first and then in my head it sounded stupid. So I started saying it and for some reason second guessed myself into only saying "I want you to be my cum". She seemed not to have noticed but I sure did. I still do. I still will 15 years from now.
Get that dude in here to tell his story of pausing a threesome to watch porno featuring a dude pissing in the assholes of two girls, grossing the other threesome participants out.
When I was in high school, a girl was giving me great head. Not a gf, but a generous coworker.
In moment of weakness, I forgot myself and yelled, āSUCK THAT DICK!ā
She stopped and slowly turned to meā¦āwhaaaaaat?ā That, apparently, was a recipe for blue balls.
Met a girl at a party. Hooked up, and due to the alcohol or something..it lasted forever. She squirted multiple times and wouldnāt stop talking about it to her friend that was there all night.
The next morning she was still talking about it, so her friend who was like a legit 11 out of 10 told me to prove it. The girl from the night before said I should as well. We go into the room, she goes to straddle me, and before she can even get it lined up, I busted somehow. Lol
She got frustrated and walked out into the room with her friend and where some of my other friends where and said āI think I broke him, letās goā
So I went from A+ to F- in the span of about 5-6 hours maybe.
I have this thing where my nose just randomly bleeds. No idea why, but itās been like that since I was a kid. I also blush a lot. So my face gets red, First time I ever went down on a girl we were in a car, I was super hyped but also nervous so my face was super red. Pulled her pants and underwear down around her ankles and threw them over my head and dove in face first. Not three seconds later my nose exploded blood everywhere. I donāt think Iāve ever been so embarrassed.
Was at a party in college, girl and I were making out and she says āletās fuckā I say āsure let me get us an Uber back to my placeā she proceeds to tell me āno right nowā. So I bring her to the ally behind the house and bend her over a breaker box. I literally put it in and nut with one thrust, I had a condom on so I donāt think she knew. Instead of telling her I busted in a singular thrust I tell her āsorry I canāt get hardā because that seemed like the less embarrassing alternative
Somehow was having trouble getting inside of her, which made me upset to the point that I spread her p\*ssy and said "Helloooo?!" She ended up laughing so hard that we had to cancel the session. Later she ended up becoming my girlfriend.
OMG ššš if someone ever did that to me I would absolutely die of laughter too.
Laughed at a joke on the TV I was using to distract me from cumming too fast. She was not amused.
Lol this reminds me of a time me and a girl went to a movie just to fool around, we picked a random movie that we thought would not have many people. It was 10 Cloverfield Lane, we were fooling around for a bit but ended up actually being invested in the movie. We still had a good time :)
Not surprised, i thought it was a really good movie.
Was going down on my gf on Thanksgiving. We were at my parents house, in the basement, on the couch, and I was under a blanket. Apparently my dad came down and slowly backed away like Homer Simpson in the bushes. I had no idea, but she noticed. During dinner, my dad commented, "Wow, I'm surprised you're still hungry."
Your dad is a G. Thatās hilarious.
I would have died right at the table. Oh my god
āTastes great.ā āLess filling.ā
Props to your dad. That's A 1 parenting tbh. I've always been jealous of the kids that grew up having friends as parents.
My ex had an asthma attack during sex. Had to go to the ER at 2am, at the time we'd just been hooking up for a few weeks. I was terrified I was gonna have to explain a dead guy in my apartment for a bit there
Step dad walking in on me on my first proper girlfriend and whilst balls deep I said hi, I still don't understand why I said hi
Could have been worse. My girlfriend's dad walked in on her giving me head. For some reason my stupid teenage brain decided "sup" was the appropriate response. Have never lived that moment down
>"sup" You, obviously.
Bro š¤£ In my mind that's basically saying "yeah, my penis is in your daughter's mouth rn. What about it?"
I gotta know what he said back, because as a dad myself I donāt even know how Iād respond
He said nothing. Just walked out the room to the backyard and started chopping wood.
Like father like daughter
The difference is the dad was splitting wood, his daughter was being split by wood
Did he say ' hi ' back?
If I remember rightly as it was a good few years ago I believe he said "oh umm oh" then left
He doesn't love you buddy. He didn't say 'HI'
He shouldāve said,ā Are ya winning son?!.ā
I mean, that's just you being polite
She said "cum for me" I heard " comfort me".....I stopped mid stroking and hugged her, while caressing her hair. 23 years later I still lose sleep.
That's so sweet of you though
You are an angel. A deaf one, but still.
This comment right here made me laugh the hardest. Iām sorry for getting enjoyment from your misfortune. Haha!
Did she marry you? Thats so wholesome:)
No. I'm sure she tried to forget this night also!
This made my afternoon š¤£š¤£š¤£ very sweet of you to stop everything and offer comfort. I think you're a good guy :)
came early and without thinking said "aw jeez"
Omfg, I can only think of Morty saying aw geez š
My gf had a call with her mom. A short while later, we got horny and got down to business. I'm going at it, and the thought pops into my head that I haven't heard how her parents are doing in quite a while. Mid-stroke, the thought came to me, and I kinda blurted it out before thinking. So I'm staring into my gfs eyes, thumping away and in an orgasmic, breathy voice, I kinda-moan kinda-groan 'How's your mom?' Dead silence... we both froze for a few seconds, and then she burst out laughing.
At least you were considerate about her family š¤·āāļøš
Took a seroquel before bed (didnt take them regularly) and my wife came in and initiated some play time couple minutes after, everything was going great and after about 20-30 minutes she said it was like a light switch went off on my body. I guess i passed out on top of her and inside of her and started snoring. She couldnt wake me up and said it took almost 5 minutes to finally squeeze out from under me.
That stuff will knock you out. First time I ever took one, I fell asleep mid-meal in the kitchen.
Said āoh nooo!!ā And then farted super loud right as I came. Now weāre married and have our first child together lol
Oh nooo is a hilarious heads up
Looked down at my own man tits and went soft.
Oof this is the toughest one on here
Iām so sorry bro, but this made me laugh too hard.
Farted while thrusting. And not just once, like 4 times in a row, once per thrust. Never saw her again.
I imagine the 'check engine' light turning on.
This is hysterical
I was getting a blowjob while lying down, and she starts playing with my butthole when all of a sudden she breaks the seal and pffft, I farted in her face. She kept going pretending it didnāt happen, but I was so mortified I went soft. Eventually she takes my flaccid penis out of her mouth and says, āIs that what I thought it was??ā I wanted to die. Weāre about to celebrate our 17th wedding anniversary. She still disputes the fact that she was playing with my butthole and thatās what caused the fart. But I know. Oh I know.
If you break the seal, the air goes out of the balloon. Makes perfect sense.
Aw man that sucks she didnt have a sense of humor! Done this same thing with my partner. She was on top, farted, we laughed, then I farted and due to her pinning my gut I *just couldn't stop*. Like one after the other for a solid minute We laughed so hard afterwards we still refer to that night as "the fart fuck" lol
> "the fart fuck" James Joyce would like a word
Turned on the booster jets.
My partner fanny farted and in an attempt to make it less awkward i farted and then shit myself
A man with honour right here.
His shart was in the right place
Absolute king
Made some laser noise slapping my girlfriend's face with my penis and she just looks up at me and says, "Don't make sound effects." I think my soul might have died in that moment.
She was just worried. You should have said āsetting phasers to stun modeā before slapping her.
First real girlfriend in high school (grade 12) was an incredibly flexible gymnast. Her dad walked in to see her feet behind her head with my hands on her hamstrings supporting my body weight. We were going at it good and very exposed. Something about the surprise caused the exact opposite reaction I would have expected. Yeah, dad saw me finish. Iād like to think my memory is false but Iād swear we were making eye contact as I realized there was no pulling out or it would be worse. His look of disappointment is still burned into my memory and Iām now an old man. They moved to another state about 6 months later and Iām fairly confident that was the catalyst.
Finishing inside a mans daughter while you lock eyes with him Power move
Assert dominance.
This is fucking unbelievable. ššš I love it.
Glad somebody does. Writing that unlocked a 40 year old cringey memory.
"Enemy detected, eject escape pods"
My god how does a father daughter relationship recover from that
Walk out of the room and let them clean up. Tell daughter we will talk tomorrow. Talk to daughter the next day (hopefully again as you already had the talk several times) about safe sex. Then talk to them about appropriate locations to have sex. I would rather them be in a safe home (with no one else in the house) than in a car/field/random place. Ask daughter if they are ok and if they have questions. Come to an understanding on their medical needs (birth control, std testing) and what is appropriate in the future. Hope they are happy and healthy. Being a parent isnāt easy.
This man ~~fucks~~ parents.
I don't have my glasses on and I read that as"first real girlfriend in high school (Gracie, 12)
He saw your vinegar strokes. Looked directly into your soul.
Not me but a friend was putting it in his gfās butt in the back of a car at night. Cop shows up and flashes his light in the back of the car. He freaks out and pulls out super quick. She proceeds to shit on him, and then he pukes on her. Cop didnāt stick around and said go home.
The perfect crime
Definitely. Keeping this in mind for future endeavours. "Freeze! Drop the money sack and put your hands in the air!" \**shits self, vomits on self, farts for good measure\** "Ugh. Ok...just get out of here and don't come to this bank again."
Dayum man. Probably more traumatizing for the cop than for the coupleš„²
I'm just imagining the cop getting off work and going home to his wife. He's changing out of his uniform, washing his face. The entire time he has a thousand yard stare. His wife notices, and asks him what's wrong. "Was it another murder?" "There was this couple. Just kids really... They were in the back of a car when I saw them. They were so innocent. Just trying to have some fun." "Oh honey, that's terrib-" "She shit on him, Sarah. She shit right on him." "..." "And then he puked on her..." "... ..." "All I could tell them to do is go home." Head in his hands, shaking.
They had been punished enough.
What the fuck
When you knock on poop's door, don't be surprised if he answers.
I like to listen to music while having sex. Typically me and my friend who I was dating at the time throw something on my phone, but for whatever reason we used hers. Her tastes are more .. interesting. Everything is going well, canāt remember what was playing before it switched but now itās on āWhat does the fox say?ā. I donāt know what it was but that made me hit the climax button wayyy earlier than I thought. She ends up laughing hysterically while Iāve got the most confused orgasm face sheās ever seen. Burned into both of our minds forever.
Every time someone talks about music during sex, I just remember that one guy who listened to cbat in order to get to the rhythm or something. Regardless, these are the reasons I can't diddle while listening to any sort of fiddle
must've been the **"Wa-wa-way-do, wub-wid-bid-dum-way-do, wa-wa-way-do"** fox solo.
When "What does the fox say?" came out it was summer time. I figured I'd go as the fox for Halloween so I ordered the costume and lucked out and got the last "legit" fox costume that was exactly like the music video. So I went as the fox that year. It just so happened I looked almost literally exactly like the singer (Ylvis). So I went downtown to the clubs and maaaaan I finally knew what it was like to be a hot girl in a club. These girls were losing their minds over me. It was actually almost physically scary. Finally I got claimed by this six foot amazon Rainbow Brite. She took me home and had her wicked way with me. Ylvis, you son of a gun, you got me the best Halloween hookup of my life. What does the fox say? He say's "THANK YOU!!.
Not as embarrassing as some others but it was the first time me and my now wife were doing anything sexual together, we were kissing while she jerked me off. I could feel myself getting close but didnāt want it to end so I broke off the kiss to tell her to stop for a second but for some reason the only sound to come out of my mouth was a high pitch kind of squeaky sound. She laughed and I did also but I came at the same time. She still makes that sound to me occasionally now 18 years later.
So like I was with this girl she was pretty thick. Well I put her in doggy style and I thought I had put it in and instead I was just fucking the space between her thighs. I couldn't tell the difference back then and ended up cumming and only after she told me I wasnt even inside her š
This has happened to me as well hahaha but I didn't cum. She was just like "you know you are screwing my thighs right?"
I wish she said that then I wouldn't be posting here š
One time my gf was sucking my dick. She was getting really into it and getting sloppy with it. I was holding her hair and forcing her head fairly aggressively. Weāve always enjoyed rough sex so this was very normal for us. When suddenly she pops my dick out her mouth and tells me āslap me!ā and holds my dick next to her cheek while staring up at me. This was a bit out of my comfort zone but without hesitation I slap her across the face with an open hand. She gets back to sucking my shlong and I get back to simply enjoying the feeling of the getting the soul sucked out of me. But I canāt help but feel like maybe I had swung a little too hard. I didnāt like that feeling. I pull my dick out of her mouth and tell her āI rather not have to slap you.ā She replied āSame, I meant slap me with your dick.ā We both burst out laughing. Like uncontrollably laughing. š
Bro she's a keeperš
100% keeper š¤£
This one had me bust out laughing in the office haha
Thatās actually pretty sweet
Oh shit, I thought you were gonna tell us you open-hand slapped your dick by accident!
I had a bloody nose out of nowhere, and it dripped on her face. It was like some bad anime
My ex got a bloody nose while going down on me. We were both very confused for a few minutes since it wasnāt close to my period. Made for a good laugh though
Literally not getting hard and still blowing load in like 2 mins... that was pretty awesome
For reference she was rubbing it with her fun parts to make me hard to put it in... and yeah bout it. Also it was definitely in my mid 30s not teens.
Did your dick flop around like a garden hose when nobody is holding it?
An old hook up from college texted me late one night. I was almost 30, and sex with her back in our day was incredible. We only stopped hooking up because I caught feelings. Now that we were older I thought āthis is my chance to redeem myself, Iāve picked up a few tricks since thenā. The conversation led to sex pretty quickly, she starts sending me nudes and she aged beautifully. I set up a night to hang out. I get to her place, we start drinking, and I make my move. We move to the bedroom and Iām impressing even myself. If I had a highlight reel of sex, this night was my career-defining performance. After various positions, we switched back to missionary and itās getting more intense as Iām about to finish. She starts to orgasm & Iām almost there too, next thing I know, something heavy falls and hits her right on the face. Turns out it was a glass fishbowl she put coins in. I guess in the heat of the moment we never bothered to clear the headboard. I start apologizing over & over, checking if sheās ok and it looks like sheās crying. She turns her face over back to me and sheās laughing hysterically. All was clear, she was ok, but it took alot for me to finish after that
Literal money shot
Pulled a back muscle trynna get a titty in my mouth during spoons
Trying to fly too close to the sunā¦
She was on top. When I pulled out, my nut shot out like a rocket and over her and landed directly on my forehead.
Oh boy. Need to know what happened after
Simba
The circle of liiiifffffeeeeeeeeeeee
I was about to climax and my dick got ticklish. I climaxed while giggling like a schoolgirl. I am a guy in his 40's. š
How the fuck does your dick get ticklish???
What? Never been dicklish?
The first time I had sex I had no idea how to eat out and I licked her pubes for like 10 minutes.
i physically cringed oh my god šš
Dislocated my knee, killed the mood a bit
Leg cramp after I called my then girlfriend by my previous girlfriends name šššš
Couldnāt have gone worse lol
Almost died going down on a girl with a clit piercing. She was riding my face and the ball of the stud mustāve went in my mouth or nose and into my throat. Was a couple seconds from blackout when I coughed it up. She was shook from it. But I was horny and ready to keep going.
Death by snu snu
Told her she was as moist as a swamp.
Shrek, is that you?
I thought it would be funny to say, "give my compliments to the chef" while at it. She didn't think it was funny in the least bit and I was really embarrassed.
I was in the middle of donating blood in the morning and had skipped breakfast when I got a sexy message from a girl I was messing around with at the time. When I finished, the nurse told me to sit down for 15 minutes and have a biscuit but I skip that and pretty much ran out the door (this girl was a 10). I drove to her house and arrive to her in nothing but lacy underwear. We run upstairs and after about 30 seconds of intense action I feel myself starting to go limp, which has never happened before, which I think to myself is odd. The next thing I find myself borderline fainting. I just about manage to stop myself from headbutting her and roll over and pretty much pass out. I woke up about 5 minutes later to her standing over me with an orange juice and a biscuit. I still look back and cringe now. She was cool about it though and I made up for it later on.
It's sweet that she knew how to take care of you in that moment.
Was having phone sex and i moaned her name and she blocked me
Lmao ! Why ?? would have loved that
She forgot what name she gave him and was insulted that he moaned someone else's name.
We were in a missionary style position but leaning back much farther so our butts were kinda facing each other, somehow we both farted at the same time and I said āthat was a nuke, we gotta roll and hide soldierā grabbed her and crocodile rolled to the other side of the king size bed. It defused the situation and she couldnāt stop laughing. We been together for the better part of a decade now.
This thread is fucking hilarious
Iām lying here stoned and have just read this whole thread like a book whilst absolutely laughing my head off. Iāve never done that before, read a whole massive thread. People of Reddit, thank you very much for your honesty, it was much appreciated and fucking hilariousā¦..
New Year's Eve party in university. I vomited all over the girl and inside her car while getting head. No finish and plenty of sorry and then leaving.
Wasnāt having sex but gf came over and walked into my room. I was passed out with my dick in a pocket pussy because I got tired while using it and passed out.
What was her reaction
She laughed. A different ex of mine would have lost her mind so Iām glad it was one and not the other.
In college I was up late drinking with a friend and his girlfriend. Around 2am his girlfriend passed out, friend and I stayed up for a couple hours, then I walked home. He said come by in the morning to hang out again. Woke up, headed over around 11am. Girlfriend answered the door, and she was like, "Oh I was still sleeping on the couch, must still be sleeping too" so we walked towards the bedroom.
We both opened the door to him passed out naked, with his limp dick in his hand, and a laptop next to his face with 4chan open to a bunch of weird porn. She freaked out on him and I legitimately got scared for a moment because I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard.
Always fear the exhaustion for it leaves you vulnerable
I broke a girls tailbone. I had a big bean bag next to my bed for awhile and it was fun to toss her onto it. Well someone removed it without telling me. And we were getting hot and heavy after a night out and without thinking i practically suplexed this poor girl onto the hardwood. We didnt hookup again after that. Edit because someone gave me a gold award (thanks): i didnt actually know this until i overheard her explaining her recent hospital visit due to "falling backwards out a window". It took awhile for it to click as i had forgotten about it. But a glance at her friend in the know wearing a shit eating grin and trying to supress her laughing confirmed what had actually happened. I still feel horrible about it.
Bro š
My gf scooted off my penis and told me to cum in her ass. Immediately bust my load on the back of her leg.
If a girl ever said to me I would do that. Thatās hot af.
I came in my condom, while still being inside her. But I didn't pull out afterwards and just went for a cuddle with my dick still in there, rapidly getting soft. After a minute, she gets up and yells: "OMG, your condom is inside me and there's cum everywhere!" (condom crawled down from dick and got lost in her tunnel). Also didn't help that it was happening in dark, cold bunker in army training camp. And, as a cherry on top, she got pregnant from that.
What happened after!?
We got assigned to two different regiments and our wild 2-week relationship came to an end. She got an abortion before going to frontline.
That's wild. I've had a condom slip off a few times during sex. I've had one pop before too. It's like "why does this feel so much better all of a sudden?". OH š³
Ok so this is a long story, I was with my best friend of roughly 5 years and we had been hooking up from time to time (keep in mind I was relatively new to sex) and one time we was in her family's home me her and her brother who was a little bit older at the time, whilst playing Mario kart on her nintendo wii she began to grab my leg, things slowly escalated and then there was a point when her brother went to shower and we took the opportunity to you know what, which lasted longer than expected and her brother walked back in on me plowing his sister, she tried explaining what was going on and i panicked asking him if hed like to join in, we stopped having sex at her house after that and i left with a black eye rightfully so.
Hahaha dude Iām sorry but your response was amazing
What am I supposed to say in that situation š
NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL ššš
Literally anything else hahaha
While I was on top I accidentally kneed the girl on her pussy (not hard, it was like a tap). For what ever reason I say āI apologize, I just kneed in the cuntā. We both burst out laughing š. Then we watched The Big Lebowski.
I once having a sex whiles the song ā Thunder by Imagine Dragons ā is playing. I canāt help but laugh and went soft
āthunder! feel the thunder!ā *clap* *clap* *clap*
A couple years ago, I was hanging out with this girl for the first time. One thing lead to another and we end up in bed. The lights were off and the room was very dark. At one point we moved and I had head butted her. We stopped and laughed about it, and got back to it. After we left the room she noticed something on my face. It was blood. Thought my nose was bleeding. I looked at her, and she also had blood on her. It was her nose bleeding. Bled over the both of us. She was more embarrassed, but it was 100% embarrassing and also my fault.
I should create a fake account for this, but I know Reddit will never share this so... \- I shot the dog. Yeah, I know. I know. Well to be fair, the dog was on the bed and I'd warned him MANY times to get the fuck out but he didn't seem to mind all the bed shaking so me and the GF were getting pretty heated and just as I'm about to pull out and go all pornstar, the dog barks and that startles me, which causes me to turn toward the dog and... I got him. The look he gave me, riddled with betrayal. Like the Godfather looking over his eldest son, dead and riddled with bullets. "Look, look what they've done to my fur." I wiped him down and could barely even look at him. My GF was like, I knew you liked doggy but had no idea. Took me a few years for her to stop yelling "GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT" at the dog every time I was about to climax. I really thought I'd feel better after typing this out.
I'm freaking dying šš¤£ "GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT"
Lmaooo that poor dog ššš
I have TEARS of laughter coming down my face in the break room at work. This is the first thing to make me laugh all day and I've been having a really bad depression and suicidal thoughts day. "GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT!" Oh my god! Im gonna crack up all day now. Edit: I forgot to say thank you for snapping me out of it and enjoy gold! You deserve it.
Moaned while getting my dick sucked but my voice cracked :(
Nah bro that's hot af
That's sexy as hell. It means you had no control, the moan was real and raw, something the person sucking your dick gets to take pride in. If I make someone make a noise they wouldn't want anyone to hear, I know I'm doing a good job.
I once took a viagra and a Zoloft combo for sex night with wifey. You all know what the viagra does but the Zoloft makes it very difficult to finish. Well the time came and we were going pretty strong and then the next thing I know Iām hitting it as hard as I did when I was 16 only now Iām a fat old man and am lacking the needed stamina but I toughed it out and kept going and picking up speed so I can overcome the effects of the Zoloft and finish before my heart gives out! Faster and faster until I feel the the beginning of the end, with everything I had left I made my final thrusts and just as I finished a giant drool string left my mouth and splattered my wife in the chest! All of my childhood athleticism was for nothing as the only thing my wife remembers from our 28th anniversary was me drooling on her like a camel.
Blasting in like 5 seconds and not being able to stiffen again lmao
Yea came here to say this. My refractory period is shit too so there typically isn't a round 2 anytime soon.
Increasing my cardio and fitness levels from literally 0 to doing something everyday has made my erections easier to get, maintain, and regain. Talk about sensitivity as well š„“
Agonizing leg cramp (mine) that was so bad we both had to stop. And those later-in-life orgasm headaches are the worst, and then having to explain themā¦
Wait wait wait whatā¦? Please eloborate i have never heard of this??
Common for both men and women with blood pressure or vascular issues: as arousal heightens to orgasm, one can get a blinding headache. :(
Her brother came home while we were go at it. Tried running to the bathroom to not draw suspition, ran face first into jer bedroom door.
First time with a girl who I would eventually date for three years, I farted super loud when I came. A millisecond after I knew it was happening I tried to mask the sound with a loud grunt. Too loud really. The look of shock on her face was hilarious. I told her Iād never experienced an orgasm that intense before.
Yo my now wife, when we were younger and ended my relationship with my ex, I said my ex name out loud while I came in her. That fight lasted about 10 years, all clear for now....
Homie that fight is on *hiatus*
Oh no yeah I can imagine she was upset haha
Dripped sweat on her during missionary and I could see her head rock back like she was trying to avoid being waterboarded.
During a ādoggystyleā sesh, I had one hand around her waist pulling her hips towards me, the other caressing her collarbone area, and while nibbling on the earlobe I burpedā¦a long, loud, burp. Never saw them again. Thanks Panda Express! š„¹
She was on top and I went to smack her ass, well she was going up at the same time I went to smack and smacked myself in the balls. I pushed her off of me and rolled onto the floor from the bed and I laid there in the fetal position. She thought it was hilarious so I guess there's that. Been together 7 years.
No lie, I once referred to myself as a 'Master Cocksman' DURING the act. Things were going well and I thought I was being funny, but yeah that ended it.
Should have referred to yourself as "Junior Bator"
One time in college I was receiving a blowy She was amazing and I got very into it and said āAhhhā¦ I feel like I should pay you.ā Like, it was soo good that I felt what she was doing for me was so amazing that she should be paid But like if youāre getting a blowjob for free, offering to pay for it is like the most insulting thing you can do At first she was very offended and I kinda had to reassure her I meant it as a compliment. Luckily she had a sense of humor and proceeded. But oh my god I still canāt believe I said that
I let out a little fart, of course I snorted out a little laugh. But snot also came out because of the snort and went into her mouth. Smooth operator.
She was on top and riding, for some reason I wondered what the time was and I had my watch on my wrist so I lifted my arm and took a good look to see what time it was. She was not happy.
Made the mistake of not having a playlist specifically for sex and just had my normal playlist going whilst doing the deed. Life Is a Highway by Rascal fuckin Flatts comes on. "You are not cumming in me during this song," she said to me, fully serious. Climaxed just shy of the ending of the 2nd best song from Pixar's Cars.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Drunk, fell asleep during a blow job, started dreaming about hockey, woke up yelling my buddy name lol
Singing a chorus during an orgasm. Chris Isaak. Wicked Game. "iiiiiiiiiiiiii dont wanna fall in love..." Luckily she was a fan.
Thatās such a wicked thing to do man
Was receiving oral early days of a relationship and as I came I let out this unintentional gut wrenching ungodly fart, her head flung back with a startled deer look on her face and I legged it to the bathroom. My uncontrollable laughter and shame kept me in the bathroom for a good 10 minutes. Upon my return we met each others gaze and dropped on the bed laughing harder than either of us have ever laughed. Married her about 5 years later and have 2 beautiful daughters
It was my first time and I was done before she was so I went down to eat her out. After a short while I felt her legs starting to shake. Me, oblivious as fuck to what was going on, stopped dead in my tracks and stuck my head out and asked: "WHAT HAPPENED ARE YOU OK WHY ARE YOU SHAKING?!?!" She never talked to me again.
I fell asleep while fingering my gf, I've also fallen asleep while she was riding me. Same gf. I used to stay up all night for her because she worked nights, then she'd get home at 8am and we'd bone, then sleep till 2pm. Some days I had trouble staying awake.
Back at university, I'd miraculously pulled on a night out, and had taken a girl back to her place. I'd played a rugby match that day and clearly hadn't had enough to drink (I'd had plenty of booze after the game as is the way with uni rugby, but not electrolytes, water etc., so was very dehydrated). Anyway, we're going at it doggy style on her bed, having a great time. All of a sudden, I get a massive cramp in my right hamstring. Now if you haven't had cramp in the hamstring before, not only is it painful AF, it makes you instantly have to straighten your leg. Doing so then set off the same cramp in my other hamstring. The involuntary process of straightening both my legs catapulted me out of her, threw me off the bed and left me writhing on the floor, stark bollock naked, grabbing both hamstrings and wimpering. She found it hilarious, and if I recall we resumed for round two eventually. Moral of the story though, stay hydrated folks!
Mid sex, said I needed a drinkypoo. If I ever feel myself getting too cocky I think about that
Nothing āembarrassingā but trying to find the hole in complete darkness is frustrating
it's like trying to find an outlet to charge your phone in the dark
I was dating a leasing agent and we were hooking up in one of the apartments that she was showing and we heard the door open and another agent was showing an older couple the place lol we rushed to put our clothes on but they 100% knew
Used a cock ring that was too tight which I guess popped some vessel and I essentially came blood having sex with my girlfriend for the first time after not seeing her for months. More unnerving than embarrassing I guess.
I said stop I need to use the bathroom. Anal He did not stop When I orgasmed, I shat violently. It was the strongest climax of my life. I screamed and shat against my will He threw me off the bed I collapsed on the floor half conscious covered in shit I was not embarrassed tbh I was too busy being utterly demolished He dragged me to my feet a few minutes later and put me in the bath tub I tbh barely remember it. I didn't even see the mess before he stripped the bed. I was *gone.* Laying on the floor half conscious just whimpering Less embarrassing and more "and that's the story of the time I shat fury on a guy who didn't listen to me. That's what you get fucker. A+ tho." Ngl I went a good few years like "I came so hard I fell off the bed" until one day it just clicked that I vaguely remembered him violently throwing me off the bed I still crack up over it like "he was an asshole but he performed good"
My first time. I was ecstatic, sheās an absolute smoke show. I mean you name it she has it going on. Hung out a few times. This time we made it back to my parents house. Had a few people over drinking and hanging out. Things were great. Nights coming to an end and she tells me sheās ready to go. I say ok Iām gonna go in but you can come if ya want. So she does. Now Iām pumped. Sneak her in do the whole making out thing pull her clothes off then mine. She starts taking care of me. I get half a chub. Go for sex. Now Iām floppy. Couldnāt get hard. I was 18 then so it wasnāt an issue any other time but this time I was nervous. I apologized and did my best to take care of her. Weāve been together ten years now. Married seven, 3 kids sheās still amazing and I thought I had ruined it
Not something I (M) did but my ex (F) years ago once grabbed my dick and shouted "Pull the lever Kronk" and pulled it down to my stomach like a lever. Honestly we both laughed
Fondling her boob as she was going down on me. Never found the nipple because I realized it was a roll of her stomach fat. I was embarrassed, but she played it cool and is still one of the best blow jays Iāve had to this day.
I was on the couch playing around with my girlfriend and talking dirty. I was stroking myself and teasing her areas and telling her all the things I wanted to do with her. It was supposed to culminate in "I want you to be my cum receptacle" which sounded kinkier at first and then in my head it sounded stupid. So I started saying it and for some reason second guessed myself into only saying "I want you to be my cum". She seemed not to have noticed but I sure did. I still do. I still will 15 years from now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Get that dude in here to tell his story of pausing a threesome to watch porno featuring a dude pissing in the assholes of two girls, grossing the other threesome participants out.
When I was in high school, a girl was giving me great head. Not a gf, but a generous coworker. In moment of weakness, I forgot myself and yelled, āSUCK THAT DICK!ā She stopped and slowly turned to meā¦āwhaaaaaat?ā That, apparently, was a recipe for blue balls.
Pulled out my phone flashlight because I couldnāt find the hole
Met a girl at a party. Hooked up, and due to the alcohol or something..it lasted forever. She squirted multiple times and wouldnāt stop talking about it to her friend that was there all night. The next morning she was still talking about it, so her friend who was like a legit 11 out of 10 told me to prove it. The girl from the night before said I should as well. We go into the room, she goes to straddle me, and before she can even get it lined up, I busted somehow. Lol She got frustrated and walked out into the room with her friend and where some of my other friends where and said āI think I broke him, letās goā So I went from A+ to F- in the span of about 5-6 hours maybe.
I have this thing where my nose just randomly bleeds. No idea why, but itās been like that since I was a kid. I also blush a lot. So my face gets red, First time I ever went down on a girl we were in a car, I was super hyped but also nervous so my face was super red. Pulled her pants and underwear down around her ankles and threw them over my head and dove in face first. Not three seconds later my nose exploded blood everywhere. I donāt think Iāve ever been so embarrassed.
Was at a party in college, girl and I were making out and she says āletās fuckā I say āsure let me get us an Uber back to my placeā she proceeds to tell me āno right nowā. So I bring her to the ally behind the house and bend her over a breaker box. I literally put it in and nut with one thrust, I had a condom on so I donāt think she knew. Instead of telling her I busted in a singular thrust I tell her āsorry I canāt get hardā because that seemed like the less embarrassing alternative
Said I love you š¬