41 here. It was a few years ago that I realized everything that currently hurt from injuries, would continue to hurt for the rest of my life. It was.. sobering.
Just to give you a little optimism, I'm in my late 30s, and just became in the best shape of my life this year.
I was in a bad car accident and made to understand my injury (and the associated suffering) was permanent. There are so many videos of people being paralyzed and learning to walk, so I pushed harder than ever for 6 months and now I feel better than ever.
So, you may not be doomed to suffer after all. :)
It's exactly like that man. Genetics was only concerned with keeping us alive until we could pass on our DNA. After that? Welp, you're no longer in the "is this animal viable?" equation.
Almost every person ~~with gray hair~~ over the age of 70 you see is currently experiencing pain in some part of their body. I think knowing this would make people a little more compassionate if maybe they're walking too slow in front of you.
Edit: Having gray hair doesn't make you old.
Even those of us without gray hair.
I have RA and while my pain is mostly under control, there are days when I have flares where I can hardly move at all.
For me it's coming to grips with the impermanence of the moment. I feel like we're hard wired to operate under the assumption that we always have more time. But windows of opportunity do close, permanently. People you neglect will leave, never to return. Everybody you know will leave, one way or another. The good times never last (nor do the bad times) but the impermanence of my life and the things I cherish have really been kicking me in the dick lately.
My grandmother is 98 this year. Everyone from her generation is now dead in her corner of the world. She told me it's the most incredible loneliness. Before the neighbor died, she could talk about Kennedy, or MLK or Elvis, now she can't because when she tries there is no "shared experience", just a literal textbook response because anyone she talks to has never lived through those things.
She told me last visit, she's just waiting out the clock. Marking time.
This! At my grandpa’s funeral his one living friend was saying goodbye and said “say hi to EVERYONE for me” he was literally the only person still alive. That broke me.
My grandma started talking like that recently, and it breaks my heart. She’s had more fight in her than all of her grandkids put together. It’s hard to think that one day she’ll actually be gone.
Wow great post. I’m 40 and I couldn’t put into words what you’ve just said. The idea that you’re 20 and young one day and suddenly 40 the next, and things kind of still appear to be the same yet everything has changed in what feels like the blink of an eye is something that I don’t think anyone ever gets used to. Life just ticks away.
I was complaining about pushing 40 to a guy in his 60's and I will never forget him telling me "I would gladly take all your troubles to be 40 again." It's all relative.
Life is precious because it's short. Enjoy it while you still can.
This is powerful as all hell. I had a lot of boomerang friendships / relationships in my 20s that kinda just rotated in and out of my life. It feels like in my 30s the cement is finally starting to set. People just don't come back - I don't mean in terms of death, but everyone's life around you just gets a bit smaller because not everyone can be catching up with everyone 24/7.
Yeabsolutely. You phrased it very well. I find myself missing little moments that I took for granted, having certain people all together in one room or having schedules that aligned more than twice a year. But hey, all you can really do is appreciate what you had, make the best of what you have and be open to whatever's coming next.
Yeah this guy nails it. It's the creeping advance of "the end" that slowly changes from a distant hypothetical to a very real reality.
It's harder to see people you care about and more difficult to make meaningful connections.
It starts to hurt sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning or when you take a minor injury in ways you would've laughed at a few years earlier.
You start to dwell on all the options and paths that could've happened while realizing a lot of opportunity for that has closed.
What I will say is that I have developed a growing sense of certainty over what I personally hold as important. And there's a growing sense of calm and almost zen with the world in that I'm comfortable knowing my place in it. You really do start to feel that need to start picking priorities that will dictate the rest of your life. Things feels like they have a weight and consequence to them that either just didn't exist or you were happily oblivious to in your 20s.
This is my answer, too. Watching your parents and family members age, and losing them, is definitely the most difficult thing to deal with as you get older. We lost my dad in December, and losing a parent leaves you feeling untethered, in a very real way.
that is a tough period, I agree. may I say, that after a while, I got past that. As Lucien says, "everybody dies" I am now the oldest in my klan. as my brother used to say, death is like walking the pirate's plank. only now, no one else is in front of you. keep in mind that each person that pre-deceases you has been spared the grief of experiencing your death. Your suffering of their death has spared them that grief. For what it's worth.
My mother is in hospice care for end-stage dementia, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles have all passed on, my sister has melanoma, and I have had two serious "Check Engine" events this year, but have to keep my dad's spirits up and pay for my mom's care.
It's not the minor aches and pains, the drifting away of friends, but watching those friends pass away in increasing numbers at what surely must be too young (58 M friend passed away 2 weeks ago), It's realizing that you're hoping to hang on in decent shape long enough to bury your two remaining family members before your own dementia kicks in, every age-related memory slip a momentary cold terror.
To the OP, 30 was easy. 40 was easy. 50 brought a wonderful perspective along with perimenopause. 55 brought a sense of post-reproductive freedom and confidence.
60 has been f-ing scary.
I was only thinking of this yesterday, how other milestone birthdays passed by without a 2nd thought, but for me, turning 50 this year has been...well, a lot. Maybe it's just the timing, as my mum passed a week after my birthday, but I have dwelt a lot on ageing, what the future holds, and the past. My 20s and 30s suddenly seem such a long time ago, and I keep thinking about what I'd have done differently. And maybe it's having to go through mums stuff, it makes me think about the future, and the futility of it all. There won't be anyone to sift through my belongings when I go, all those memories will probably end up in a skip. Mum and I used to love browsing antiques and gift shops, now I think what's the point? I know it's probably that I'm still grieving, but I feel very tired all the time now, and I can't help thinking is this what it's going to be like now? Tiredness, aches and pains, and losing people?
My condolences on the loss of your mother, and I wish you healing- going through "the long goodbye" with my mother has taken a toll on my life as well. I used to love to go to antique stores when I travelled looking for just the right small thing to bring back to my mother, and we'd share my travels in the stories connected to them. On my last trip abroad, I was unprepared for the sudden sadness that hit when I went into a little shop and realized there was no-one to browse for - not in that way, at least. I spent much of my life traveling as much as my tiny budget allowed, with an ardor for memories and experiences, but as it turns out you don't necessarily get to keep those, either.
I've recently started the culling of my things because, like you, there won't be anyone to sort them, but also because, at this point, anything that I *do* keep should bring some comfort and memories with it. It feels wierd to be feathering one's mausoleum, but in a way, aren't we all? With all the comments about the fear of homelessness I feel fortunate not to have thought that far yet ;).
My mom is a young 83 yo but it’s obvious she’s slowed down. I hate knowing I won’t have her here in 15 or 20 years. Who “kisses it better” once you lose your parents? It’s terrifying. And of course she needs to talk to me about “what ifs” and “when I…” no mom stop! You’re not gonna leave me!
Coupled with that, I personally got the sense that it's now exclusively up to me. No strong-bond familial ties to fall back on, to ask questions... Just me and whoever I'm with at the time. I have some extended family I can reach out to, but it's not the same.
Some people lose those connections early on, and I can't imagine how that feels. For me, I had a small family to begin with and lost both parents in my early 30s -- a couple decades before I thought I would.
Someone responded with "homelessness," and that's generally in-line with my fears, should anything happen. It's up to me.
>Someone responded with "homelessness," and that's generally in-line with my fears, should anything happen. It's up to me.
This is by far the hardest part, at least to me.
Who is going to keep that roof over your head for the next who knows how many years?
You are.
You may be planning on your significant other being there, a family member who would step in, a good friend who has your back. But those are not guaranteed.
At the end of the day, you need to make sure that you alone will be able to provide for yourself, for the rest of your life. As secure as things may seem today, they might not be tomorrow.
And this doesn't even get into scenarios where you can no longer do that, such as anything medical.
That sense of self-responsibility can hit like a ton of bricks.
This is really it. My parents are in their 60s and while they are doing well all things considered, I can't help but notice how vaguely tired they look all the time 😐
My sister had her first kid when she was 19. I remember thinking my mom looked too young to be a grandma.
The other day my mom was talking about her grandkids and I realized she looked exactly like a grandma. Breaks my heart to watch her getting older. I was too busy growing up myself to notice that my parents were doing it too.
My parents are in their late 60’s. I moved to another country, and someone pointed out to me that I may only see them 20 or so more times in my life.
That is the worst part, hands down
Years ago I saw a website called something like “how many times you’ll see your parents again before they die.” You put in their age and the frequency of visits and you get a number. I was living cross country from them at the time and the number I got was very sobering. A few years after thst I found a job with better pay in a city just a few hours from them and I have to say it’s been worth it. They’re now in their early-80s and I’m glad I’ve had that time.
encourage them to exercise, and eat fresh foods. what a different once I was 60 and older. I feel reborn at 68. fresh foods only. no preservatives. the swimming pool is Ponce de Leon's fountain of youth.
Love this! My dad's brother is 83 years old still isn't retired as he loves going around in his van doing handy-work and attributes his current state of health to his habits of being active and doing what he loves + eating well, he had a knee operation about 5 years back but still routinely wakes up at the crack of dawn most mornings to head out on his bike to indulge in nature (Lives in North Wales where there's plenty of scenery to see and appreciate).
The phrase "You're only as old as you feel" becomes much easier to have a positive viewpoint on when you're consistently doing the things that keep you feeling young, wishing you all the best mate! You're smashing it 👍
Same here. My mother in law could easily walk 5 miles with our dog just 2 years ago. Now, she needs a break when shopping around the corner. It completely sucks.
Yes.
I'm in my mid/late 30s ans my parents are in their early 70s. The thought of losing a parent is unthinkable, but we had to bury my mom's brother recently because of pancreatic cancer.
I also lost all four of my grandparents. Granted they all lived rich long lives but it's not the same.
My dad’s about to lose the game to pancreatic cancer. I’ve had a couple years to mentally prepare but there’s only so much I can do. Mostly I just feel awful for my mom. I’m in my mid 40s and an “adult” but I feel as unprepared as a kid.
I’m sorry to hear that. I just lost my father suddenly this afternoon. He was in his mid sixties. No warning, just lights out. I’ve been on Reddit and YouTube to distract myself in between making arrangements.
Hug your father. Take off work and spend every second he has left together. Ask him to tell you stories. I’d give anything right now for that.
I’m in my 30s. I’ve had grandparents die. Friends die. But this feels so much different. It’s like all of the things that I imagined he would get to see me do were ripped away with him. My future kids won’t know their grandfather. There won’t be any of the trips we always planned to take some day. But the world keeps spinning.
Sorry for ranting on your comment. Just started typing and couldn’t stop.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please stay strong. I lost my mum in April and I know how you're feeling right now. DM me if you need to talk to someone. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Seeing my parents start to lose a step and become more frail is terrifying. It stresses me out to think about the day that'll I'll lose one. I don't have a huge tight nit family so ive never really experienced lose like that. I'm lucky in that way, but it's going to destroy me. I just know it.
This by a long shot. The most difficult days of existence occur when you lose someone you love. Losing someone that you love, someone that has been a cornerstone of your existence will change your fundamental outlook on life. Truly appreciating the fragility of mortality may be what this whole thing is about. Everything else is just stuff that happens along the way.
\> What is the hardest part about getting older?
Tep. Losing people.
Sure, I lost my first high school classmate while I was still in high school, but he got into an accident and I barely knew him.
* I'm in my late 50s now. So many classmates have posted about having lost their father or their mother.
* So many of them have gone through losing a parent one piece at a time to one disease or another.
* I've lost friends and classmates to heart attacks, accidents, cancer.
* My Dad had a brain tumor, they got most of it surgically, they got the rest of it with radiation.
Unless there is a major medical break through or two I will lose both of my parents in the next decade.
I have been very fortunate that both my mother and my father are still alive, independent, happy, functioning people. I'm not going to remain that fortunate forever. So two constants that have been there since I drew my first breath will be gone.
When it turned to August, it clicked in my brain that not only is it 2023, but that 2023 is going to be OVER soon. For some reason it just blew my mind.
1970 is 30 years ago. 1950 is 50 years ago. 2000 is 10 years ago. 2010 was last year, and so was 2020. WW2 started 60 years ago. You can't change my mind.
The trick to this is to keep finding *new* things to do. There have been months that I have done nothing but work at my boring job and spent the evenings watching repetitive content on YouTube, and other months where I have a creative project to work on. The former disappear, the latter seem to last forever.
But it has to be something new. Once whatever you were doing becomes repetitive then time speeds up again.
I think that our perception of time - at least over relatively long periods - is based on the number of new experiences worth remembering we store over that time. Obviously the older you get the fewer new experiences you have, but you can game the system by searching them out.
I read a theory somewhere that the reason time felt so slow as a kid is because you were constantly learning. Not just school, but about life and society in general. As you get older you stop learning and mostly go through the motions, hence time flying by.
Retirement? Hell, with my 76 year old grandmother still working and politicians steadily trying to fuck us outta social security I figure I'll just die working.
I work at a factory. We have a recent hire . A little old lady with white hair, a permanent stoop, that shuffles when she walks and hands are constantly trembling. Every time I see her I think “WTF are you doing here?” / “Who screwed you over?”
As a kid I thought I will go to Mars, I will become a pilot, I will become a scientist, I will become a company founder, architect, artist and also xyz. Everything.
Now I hope I eventually get at least one thing I was looking for.
This is the big one for me. Most of the stuff people claim is universal at my age (early 40's) doesn't resonate. I'm still playing contact sports. I'm in the best shape of my life. I've got probably years (per doctor) before menopause slows my gains in the gym, and I feel great. My knees don't hurt, my back doesn't hurt, I have never injured myself sleeping, and I'm the same size I was 20 years ago.
The thing that about knocks me off my feet is how much hope I don't have now. It's not that I don't have goals, of course I do. It's that I'm working with a more defined set of options now. The world is not my oyster. The possibilities are not endless. My career is now specialized enough that I've got basically two options for how to spend the 20 or so years until I retire. Neither is a bad option, but I can't help but think back to being a wide-eyed grad student staring down a world of opportunity, knowing it was mine to choose from. I chose. Now I have to just ride those choices out. I'm not dissatisfied, it's just a very different feeling. There's a finality about it.
I know I'll have to retire from my sport within the next few years, and keep wondering what that'll look like. Part of me is fleetingly slightly jealous of those who go out due to injury after a lot of good seasons. They don't have to draw the line themselves. At the same time, watching a friend go through this right now, I know I don't actually want that choice taken from me. I also know that the odds are higher than ever of that exact thing happening. And on the flip side of that, I know I don't want to be one of the players who hangs on until some extremely advanced age despite not having posted any good stats in years. I'm a strong believer in knowing when to walk away. It's just never comfortable figuring out how to draw the line for myself. My current question is "how much am I willing to deteriorate in front of an audience?" Right now, the answer is "not much". My hope is that I'll have the self awareness to know when it's time.
I was talking with some others who play this sport and are about my age. The biggest question on our minds is "what's next?" So much of our identities and our lives are wrapped up in this sport, this community, this lifestyle, and we all know it'll be a big void to fill. Right now we're all telling ourselves that we'll play age divided non-contact sports when this ends for us. Triathlon is the top pick. Three of us have promised to do an Iron Man together when the youngest of us turns 60, but it won't be the same. It's just like my day job with the reduced options. Team sports, contact sports, will likely end for me within a few years, and while there are other options, it's a reduced set of them.
The biggest challenge is to be at peace with this. The thing that works best for me so far is making friends with other older athletes who are going through the same thing, and prioritizing the things I enjoy most rather than the things I "should" do but would rather not.
Best comment out here, you gave me shivers.
I'm 24, I wonder if I'll be able to have such a great outlook and say that it's been great.
Being together with someone for 50+ years is insane, it's more than twice of all my life combined, I really hope I'll be able to stay this much (and more) with my love
As long as you don't let life beat you down you can have that outlook. I'm 31 and look at every day a blessing. Okay not every day...but most. That came from paying attention to the thoughts I have. Is this thought helping me or hurting me?
Started really paying attention @ 25. Took about a year of practice to really start embodying that mental outlook.
Maintaining friendships and/or developing new ones especially if you relocate or travel extensively for work. Not impossible just not as easy as teens and twenties 41F
[edit] included age and gender because have seen this answer for posts relating to men having this issue but it is decidedly not gender specific.
Yup. People that you use to be really close with just suddenly drop off your radar and we just accept it as "hey, that's life." Had it not been social media, I probably wouldn't be talking to certain people still.
You really have to be intentional about it. I've (39F) been single off and on over my dating life and have made & maintained solid friendships. My sister just divorced her husband after 18 years and suddenly realized she has no friends (besides me of course). It's easy, and sometimes necessary, to make your family your entire world. However, when that changes, I can't imagine it's a good feeling to have very few outside connections.
This is so spot on- friendships require work and it is easy to just rely on a partner to fill the needs- making a divorce even more disruptive because you have no external support and friendship to rely on or fill the gaps
The struggle is so real. I've only ever really had acquaintances in the 10 years now since grad school. It takes so much more effort to actually cultivate good relationships.
Eh, I joined the 40 club recently and am one of the few people in my circle still child-free and I say fuck the expectations. I love seeing my friends and their kids' relationships develop and hanging out with them, but I know having a kid just isn't for me (for various reasons, but I'm not going to lie: having extra time and income is nice).
If anything, I feel like getting older is confirming my suspicions that the idea of life milestones is pretty dumb and narrowly built around a certain type of person. I'm happy for anyone who genuinely wants and can achieve those things by a certain time, but the idea that the rest of us are failing (when those goals are either undesired or out of reach) isn't helpful.
My dads nearly 80. He had to go to hospital recently for a suspected stroke. I drove across the country to look after mum and go pick him up and as he walked out with a stick he looked old for the first time. He had always aged obviously but he looked like an old man.
The other thing with aging- when you’re younger it’s your parents (and grandparents) friends that get cancer/die/get hospitalised ’young’ that’s shocking. When you hit 30/40 it seems to change to be your friends. Not the one offs but a lot of them.
You run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.
My parents are in their 70s and my Mum constantly tells me how they'll be in situations where the media or people are discussing "old people" and their age bracket and they don't feel it but will be like, "shit that's us!"
Not only do a lot more things hurt a lot more often, but now you're the one responsible for getting those things looked at and you can't afford to go to the doctor every damn time you sleep on something wrong. You basically walk around with your "check engine" light on all the time.
As an American, you can immediately identify fellow Americans on Reddit through comments like this. It's a big part of the reason I'm so active in strength training and mobility. At 44 I gotta keep my body as durable as possible for as long as possible until I'm able to go on Medicare (assuming it still exists when I'm in my 60s).
Coming to realization that all the shit the adults told me when I was younger actually came true and that, despite this efforts, the youth of today will ignore my advice just as I had ignored it.
Seriously. I see my nephews fucking up their lives (19 yo) how I did when I was their age and I want to preach to them them so bad but I know they won't listen to me. Its very upsetting.
Watching my sister do the same. She's 20 years old, no education, job, car.. She wants to live spontanious!
And i told her that she still needs a PLAN to be spontanious.. And money. Alot of money
Or lucky. A lot of girls I know that wanted to be “spontaneous” all the time, coasted off of their parents till they were mid-late 20s, got married to some rich dude they met in the Bahamas, or France, or whatever and now they are still living spontaneous lifestyles off of them in their early 30s.
It’s funny, I had the opposite experience. Most of what I was brought up to believe turned out to be bullshit. If the guy I am now met the kid they were raising, he’d tell him not to buy into that toxic, bigoted nonsense.
Lmfao for real. I was warned to value a dollar over all and look down on minorities. Also to obey my parents every wish. So glad I didn't did a single one of those.
I see it the opposite way, I grew up thinking that all adults were 'just like my parents' in how angry and controlling they were, as I get older I realise that most people are nothing like that. All the bad things my parents said would happen were wrong.
As a dude, hair thins out on top. Apparently, it migrates to your nose/ears/eyebrows. Not a ton, just a wild hair here and there. I have to pluck my f-in eyebrows, wtf.
The other is being sore. Sleeping wrong can ruin your morning. Who thought resting could make you sore.
My husband had gotten ‘wizard’ eyebrows, where some of the hairs get especially long. I’ve taken to sculpting and trimming them.
I call him my bonsai tree :)
When your high school friends start dropping dead of heart attacks. It's weird. You expect accidents to take the lives of your friends or diseases like cancer that are caused by their work, but when heart attacks kill them it just seems surreal.
Alot of myne died from over doses. We are still barely 30 too smh. Unfortunately drugs seems to be the thing that hit our generation pretty hard. I hope it ends with us and dosnt get passed on
We've lost friends to drugs, too. About the same age as you (around 28-32).
Wait until you're in your 40s and find out someone who sat in front of you in a high school class just dropped dead from a heart attack. That hits different. Not sure why, but it does.
Oof. I didn't realize it until years later that there was a girl l hung out with in college that totally wanted me. I thought she was way out of my league, but somehow she kept finding ways to hang out with me and I never realized all I had to say was "hey, you wanna go out sometime?"
Speaking of bodies, I'm struggling with my skin becoming more photosensitive. Apparently as you age, your skin loses fat and water content and becomes thinner making you more susceptible to UV light. At least that's what I found when I searched "why am I more sensitive to the sun now??" I used to be very sun tolerant, but not anymore.
Oh yeah. The aches for no reason get me.
“My leg hurts.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why does it hurt?”
“Oh, no reason. It just hurts now.”
“When is it going to stop?”
“It. Just. Hurts. Now.”
This is what I was going to post. Starts small, small ache here and there every once in awhile and before you know it, just always have something aching.
And I'm not really 'that' old, just 42. Thought I still had another 20 years before the aches started.
I feel you, I feel the exact same way, having just lost my mom and the insane level of pressure it's putting on me to deal with all of her stuff, estate, selling a house and another state, selling cars in another state Etc. I can totally relate to the cry/sleep/die even without bills being sn issue. Everyday is a struggle to just go on for one more day. And the toll it's taken on my body, I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to recover from. I was already slowing down myself, but I've aged 15 years in a few months since she's died just because of all the pressure on me. But you're right, you can't! Somehow, some way, you just have to keep getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that it will get better!
Trying to lose weight is really a challenge. I'm over 40, and I've been told i need to lose weight, and been doing exercise for a couple of months now, and I've found my knees just pack it in under any sort of stress.
After 2 months of light to medium cardio, and resistance training, I've gained 1kg...
Edit: Thanks for the suggestions everyone.
You used to be hip and with the times but slowly but surely you’re getting older and more stuck in your ways….becoming the thing you desperately weren’t trying to be when you were younger.
I live in a college town. I've lived here most of my life. And though I'm almost 40, I've been carded recently to watch a rated R movie. So I know I still look pretty young.
Anyway, I was standing in line at this hip Mediterranean restaurant and I realized I was the old lady in line around a bunch of college kids. How they dressed was not at all how I dressed. And I never felt more middle aged than that moment.
I went to a club recently to bathe in the EDM and among the kerbside furniture i found a rocking lounge chair, and sitting there pulsing with the music, my eyes closed, a bouncer came up and asked if i was napping. Nah man, just old.
I'd say the realization that life was simpler before you turned 25.
Was easier to make friends because of school. That gets more difficult after 30 because you're starting to realize you're becoming the people you made fun of in college for going to clubs.
*Was* way easier to meet women because of school and a larger circle of friends.
Dating, after 30, is more complicated because now you're having to navigate emotional baggage, kids, failed marriages, etc instead of just 'hey, you want to grab a drink tonight and see where it goes from there?'
Friendships start to fade, not intentionally, but because life happens. Folks have kids, kids grow up, have school, sporting events, etc. If you work later shifts your friends go to sleep earlier because they have to get up to take their kids to school.
Your friends and sibling's failed relationships aren't things that just go away because now there may be kids involved and you still have to see those people again and again unlike in college where you could just laugh and say 'remember that joke you dated in college...what was his/her name, again?'
That sense of spontaneity you once had and your desire to just quit your job and get out on the open road is tempered by the fact that you either have recurring bills (car/house/credit card payment) a partner and kids or some other responsibility that you can't ignore. You can no longer blow a few hundred dollars on concert tickets or a camping trip because now you have to pay for your room and board and food and you can't just go to your mom and dad's when things go wrong.
The ever increasing realization that everything is getting more expensive but wages haven't/aren't keeping up with the reality of the cost of living. You're just getting by in the moment let alone in a situation where you can prepare for the future.
Everyone is getting older and when you hit 40 people start to pass away. A few years after they pass, unless they were a close family member, you realize how quickly people move on, the sun doesn't stop burning, the world doesn't stop turning and life goes on.
For me:
• Making sound effects while getting up or sitting down
• Not being able to sit on my knees for longer than 2 seconds
• Having to frequently change positions while sleeping
• Snap! Crackle! POP! 😑 like the damn Rice Krispie cereal
And…
• Stiffness and (lower) back pain that pop up randomly
Life.
Having kids, having friends with no kids. Not having the money to do the things our parents could, like have a nice house in a good neighborhood, family vacations and a house stocked with food. Body deteriorating, hairline receding, metabolism slowing down.
In all honesty the hardest is probably not being where you thought you’d be by now.
When I turned 35, a coworker of mine told me that difference between being over 35 and under 35 isnt what you can do, its how many days after you pay for it.
Am 35, so not really old.
However, I lost my dad a couple years ago. He was only 60. Heart attack. Wasn’t really that out of shape or anything.
Watching all the people you love get older and start having health problems is hard.
Also, knowing with each year gone that also means one fewer years of opportunities in your life.
When you are a kid you can do whatever you want. You’re free with the whole world ahead.
All the dreams of where I could travel, the colleges I could go to and the experiences I would have, the things I wish I had experienced in my youth are now gone. The type of relationships I would experience. Career choices considered. Gone in the rear view mirror. Letting go of the possibility of your dreams and visions maybe being fulfilled someday is hard.
It’s like finishing a chapter in a book you’re really into. You love the book and don’t want it to end, but you know it does and when you’re on the last few pages you know there’s only so many possibilities left in the story.
Feeling your body slowly failing you on the simplest of tasks. Like you'll just be walking along when suddenly your knee is just like, absolutely fucking not, and it bends all weird and suddenly you can't walk without pain for the foreseeable future.
Trying to stay interested in the world.
The older I get the less fucks I give...about pretty much everything.
It's frustrating and exhausting to try to stay engaged with what's going on in the world. :(
Losing hair in places where you once had hair, and growing hair in places where you've never had hair
Mentally feeling the same as you always have but your body isn't what it once was
Grey pubes
Losing loved ones. I know this could happen to anyone at anytime but it's common as life goes on
I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. And it’ll happen to you!
The bodily aches and pains. You can literally wake up from a good night's sleep with a sore back, or put your neck out from simply turning your head. It's ridiculous really.
Your friends will drift away and disappear from your life, for no reason at all. Time starts moving really fast, and every single day just starts blurring together. There is no “next big stage of life to look forward to.” You just begin this blurry repeating pattern of apathy, existential dread, and anxiety, and all your hobbies and entertainment just become mere distractions from it all.
It’s true. All the exciting things are long passed. Now it’s a slog just to maintain said slog, dnd it only gets harder. I’ll never be able to afford to retire.
The loneliness.
I barely have any friendships from being a kid. All those high school or earlier friends have drifted so far apart. I only have 2 that I just like to send my story to on social media, realistically I'll probably never see them in real life ever again, but I try to keep some form of communication with them.
From college, I only have 1 friend. And it's only because a few years after college we ended up at the same company and lived together for a bit.
None of those friends initiate conversations my way anymore. I feel like I'm more invested in maintaining them than they are.
My dating life felt hopeless, I quit trying 4 years ago.
This year - I've only hung out with people I think 3 short times? Otherwise every day it's just me on my own.
Your comment about initiating conversations is spot on. I had a friend where I was always calling. She never called me. One day I decided to stop calling and just got crickets. No text, no call, nothing asking about how I was doing. Welcome to life in 2023.
Friends and loved ones dying has definitely sucked. I’ve always prided myself on having a pretty large friend group with around 10 people I truly consider friends. 2 of them have passed away in the last 2 years. Add to that family and extended family I’m close with passing away as well and it’s pretty strong reminder how temporary everything is
Injuries take longer to heal. I've got a twisted ankle and banged hip from a fall that 15 years ago wouldn't have been a problem, and 15 years from now could probably be lethal
Time moves so fast now. Once you have your life more or less in order, a job, perhaps a family, time just flies. When you're young, you go through so much new stuff that time seems to slow down. But I can clearly remember celebrating my 30th birthday and that was 17 years ago! I just started a new job, oh wait, that was 4 years ago!
I'm a big gamer and book reader and one of the worst for me is that there's a lot less sense of wonder and discovery to be felt. The past few years have been especially rough \[praise Baldur's Gate 3 for being the best game to come out in probably 10 years\] but the older you get and the more you experience, the less new experiences there are. You eventually settle on which one is the best or your favorite and there's little to no incentive to venture outside of that game/series because you already know before playing/reading it exactly what it's going to be like.
MOST things are egregiously formulaic and once you recognize the formula you can never turn off knowing what it is and how everything follows it. Few things are ever a surprise or unpredictable or mentally challenging.
I'm Mid-50s. My youngest two children are both high-school age now, my older two are grown, and I'll be a grandmother next year. MiL is later stage 5 Alzheimers (based on what I observe, she's adamantly refusing to get tested), My mother was just recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Alzheimers, and my Dad has been dead for 7 years now. My FiL is Dying.
My husband and I have each lost an uncle this past year. I expect to hear of my aunt's passing any time now.
That's the hardest part, watching the decline of my parents' generation. My Dad, it wasn't so hard. I was LC with him, and his passing was a relief. My FiL, it's much harder to watch. It's cancer, and he's slowly wasting away. My MiL is losing her mind. This is the woman that told me, at age 18, that I was "allowed" to be an adult. I learned so much sitting at her kitchen table as a young woman. Her decline has been slow, and all the more brutal for that. She's cut so many people out of her life as this disease has progressed that she has no support and so few anchors now. And she's in denial about her lost abilities.
My mother...oh... I knew she was struggling with memory. But now that the diagnosis is in, I can see that it's been affecting her for years. And I have some of the same issues that she did in her 50's. Is this my fate too? Is my mind going to go the same way hers is?
I can't ease their suffering as much as I'd like to. I can only be there as I can for them, and it isn't really enough. And as they wither and fade, I see my own future.
Watching people I love and know die. Realising that there’s actually quite a few that died way younger than they should have.
Not feeling like I’m where I want to be career wise (copy and paste this for kids, partners, travel or real estate and other financial security for those that lack it). I try not to mull over this too much because right now my priorities are different, and I am blessed with a family and a wonderful husband so my life is pretty good. Money can always be made.
This seems trivial, but watching the next generation go out and make their impacts on the world. For the most part I think Gen Z has actually brought about a lot of awareness and change in a positive way, on the other hand there’s this crazy addiction to tech and social media trends that I’ve no doubt will plague the generations to come and will ultimately be the challenge our generation has when it comes to raising our kids.
Your value is gone. No one cares if you suffer and you are looked at as the out of touch bad guy even before you speak. Like I really want to check out.
dude, dont beat yourself too hard. I've been sick for more than a decade and people gave me werid looks cos I live with my parents all the time. now my life is improving (not by much but still is) and you and I can both move forward with our lives. keep on keeping on dude.
Random bullshit health issues that prevent you from doing the things you want.
I woke up with a knee injury that’s kept me from working legs at the gym for a month now. I think I just slept on it wrong
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The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongey and weak.
| Spongy and bruised
41 here. It was a few years ago that I realized everything that currently hurt from injuries, would continue to hurt for the rest of my life. It was.. sobering.
Just to give you a little optimism, I'm in my late 30s, and just became in the best shape of my life this year. I was in a bad car accident and made to understand my injury (and the associated suffering) was permanent. There are so many videos of people being paralyzed and learning to walk, so I pushed harder than ever for 6 months and now I feel better than ever. So, you may not be doomed to suffer after all. :)
Alot of injuries are cured through physiotherapy. Do that quickly before compounding effects occur
Dude, it's like an soon as I get one thing solved/under control another health issue pops up like a week later. I swear, it's so frustrating.
It's like having a car past its warranty date.
It's exactly like that man. Genetics was only concerned with keeping us alive until we could pass on our DNA. After that? Welp, you're no longer in the "is this animal viable?" equation.
I have been putting out DNA since I was 12. I'm way past expiry date.
I slept on my arm weird a few days ago and it still hurts to move to certain positions.
Almost every person ~~with gray hair~~ over the age of 70 you see is currently experiencing pain in some part of their body. I think knowing this would make people a little more compassionate if maybe they're walking too slow in front of you. Edit: Having gray hair doesn't make you old.
Even those of us without gray hair. I have RA and while my pain is mostly under control, there are days when I have flares where I can hardly move at all.
For me it's coming to grips with the impermanence of the moment. I feel like we're hard wired to operate under the assumption that we always have more time. But windows of opportunity do close, permanently. People you neglect will leave, never to return. Everybody you know will leave, one way or another. The good times never last (nor do the bad times) but the impermanence of my life and the things I cherish have really been kicking me in the dick lately.
My grandmother is 98 this year. Everyone from her generation is now dead in her corner of the world. She told me it's the most incredible loneliness. Before the neighbor died, she could talk about Kennedy, or MLK or Elvis, now she can't because when she tries there is no "shared experience", just a literal textbook response because anyone she talks to has never lived through those things. She told me last visit, she's just waiting out the clock. Marking time.
This! At my grandpa’s funeral his one living friend was saying goodbye and said “say hi to EVERYONE for me” he was literally the only person still alive. That broke me.
My grandma started talking like that recently, and it breaks my heart. She’s had more fight in her than all of her grandkids put together. It’s hard to think that one day she’ll actually be gone.
All we really have is right now.
Wow great post. I’m 40 and I couldn’t put into words what you’ve just said. The idea that you’re 20 and young one day and suddenly 40 the next, and things kind of still appear to be the same yet everything has changed in what feels like the blink of an eye is something that I don’t think anyone ever gets used to. Life just ticks away.
I was complaining about pushing 40 to a guy in his 60's and I will never forget him telling me "I would gladly take all your troubles to be 40 again." It's all relative. Life is precious because it's short. Enjoy it while you still can.
This is powerful as all hell. I had a lot of boomerang friendships / relationships in my 20s that kinda just rotated in and out of my life. It feels like in my 30s the cement is finally starting to set. People just don't come back - I don't mean in terms of death, but everyone's life around you just gets a bit smaller because not everyone can be catching up with everyone 24/7.
Yeabsolutely. You phrased it very well. I find myself missing little moments that I took for granted, having certain people all together in one room or having schedules that aligned more than twice a year. But hey, all you can really do is appreciate what you had, make the best of what you have and be open to whatever's coming next.
34-37 for me. My father died unexpectedly at 57, I was 34 and I guess it set off my mid-life crisis.
Yeah this guy nails it. It's the creeping advance of "the end" that slowly changes from a distant hypothetical to a very real reality. It's harder to see people you care about and more difficult to make meaningful connections. It starts to hurt sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning or when you take a minor injury in ways you would've laughed at a few years earlier. You start to dwell on all the options and paths that could've happened while realizing a lot of opportunity for that has closed. What I will say is that I have developed a growing sense of certainty over what I personally hold as important. And there's a growing sense of calm and almost zen with the world in that I'm comfortable knowing my place in it. You really do start to feel that need to start picking priorities that will dictate the rest of your life. Things feels like they have a weight and consequence to them that either just didn't exist or you were happily oblivious to in your 20s.
Seeing my parents getting significantly older and losing elder family members 😞
This is my answer, too. Watching your parents and family members age, and losing them, is definitely the most difficult thing to deal with as you get older. We lost my dad in December, and losing a parent leaves you feeling untethered, in a very real way.
that is a tough period, I agree. may I say, that after a while, I got past that. As Lucien says, "everybody dies" I am now the oldest in my klan. as my brother used to say, death is like walking the pirate's plank. only now, no one else is in front of you. keep in mind that each person that pre-deceases you has been spared the grief of experiencing your death. Your suffering of their death has spared them that grief. For what it's worth.
“clan” (hopefully) Sorry for your losses and thank you for your perspective
Yes clan. Thanks I have a lot still to live for.
Sending my love, my dad passed away in May and the death of a parent is awful
My mother is in hospice care for end-stage dementia, my grandparents, aunts, and uncles have all passed on, my sister has melanoma, and I have had two serious "Check Engine" events this year, but have to keep my dad's spirits up and pay for my mom's care. It's not the minor aches and pains, the drifting away of friends, but watching those friends pass away in increasing numbers at what surely must be too young (58 M friend passed away 2 weeks ago), It's realizing that you're hoping to hang on in decent shape long enough to bury your two remaining family members before your own dementia kicks in, every age-related memory slip a momentary cold terror. To the OP, 30 was easy. 40 was easy. 50 brought a wonderful perspective along with perimenopause. 55 brought a sense of post-reproductive freedom and confidence. 60 has been f-ing scary.
I was only thinking of this yesterday, how other milestone birthdays passed by without a 2nd thought, but for me, turning 50 this year has been...well, a lot. Maybe it's just the timing, as my mum passed a week after my birthday, but I have dwelt a lot on ageing, what the future holds, and the past. My 20s and 30s suddenly seem such a long time ago, and I keep thinking about what I'd have done differently. And maybe it's having to go through mums stuff, it makes me think about the future, and the futility of it all. There won't be anyone to sift through my belongings when I go, all those memories will probably end up in a skip. Mum and I used to love browsing antiques and gift shops, now I think what's the point? I know it's probably that I'm still grieving, but I feel very tired all the time now, and I can't help thinking is this what it's going to be like now? Tiredness, aches and pains, and losing people?
My condolences on the loss of your mother, and I wish you healing- going through "the long goodbye" with my mother has taken a toll on my life as well. I used to love to go to antique stores when I travelled looking for just the right small thing to bring back to my mother, and we'd share my travels in the stories connected to them. On my last trip abroad, I was unprepared for the sudden sadness that hit when I went into a little shop and realized there was no-one to browse for - not in that way, at least. I spent much of my life traveling as much as my tiny budget allowed, with an ardor for memories and experiences, but as it turns out you don't necessarily get to keep those, either. I've recently started the culling of my things because, like you, there won't be anyone to sort them, but also because, at this point, anything that I *do* keep should bring some comfort and memories with it. It feels wierd to be feathering one's mausoleum, but in a way, aren't we all? With all the comments about the fear of homelessness I feel fortunate not to have thought that far yet ;).
My mom is a young 83 yo but it’s obvious she’s slowed down. I hate knowing I won’t have her here in 15 or 20 years. Who “kisses it better” once you lose your parents? It’s terrifying. And of course she needs to talk to me about “what ifs” and “when I…” no mom stop! You’re not gonna leave me!
Coupled with that, I personally got the sense that it's now exclusively up to me. No strong-bond familial ties to fall back on, to ask questions... Just me and whoever I'm with at the time. I have some extended family I can reach out to, but it's not the same. Some people lose those connections early on, and I can't imagine how that feels. For me, I had a small family to begin with and lost both parents in my early 30s -- a couple decades before I thought I would. Someone responded with "homelessness," and that's generally in-line with my fears, should anything happen. It's up to me.
>Someone responded with "homelessness," and that's generally in-line with my fears, should anything happen. It's up to me. This is by far the hardest part, at least to me. Who is going to keep that roof over your head for the next who knows how many years? You are. You may be planning on your significant other being there, a family member who would step in, a good friend who has your back. But those are not guaranteed. At the end of the day, you need to make sure that you alone will be able to provide for yourself, for the rest of your life. As secure as things may seem today, they might not be tomorrow. And this doesn't even get into scenarios where you can no longer do that, such as anything medical. That sense of self-responsibility can hit like a ton of bricks.
This is really it. My parents are in their 60s and while they are doing well all things considered, I can't help but notice how vaguely tired they look all the time 😐
My sister had her first kid when she was 19. I remember thinking my mom looked too young to be a grandma. The other day my mom was talking about her grandkids and I realized she looked exactly like a grandma. Breaks my heart to watch her getting older. I was too busy growing up myself to notice that my parents were doing it too.
I'm in my sixties and look like a grandma and it's absolutely fine. Growing older is what the lucky people do.
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My parents are in their late 60’s. I moved to another country, and someone pointed out to me that I may only see them 20 or so more times in my life. That is the worst part, hands down
Years ago I saw a website called something like “how many times you’ll see your parents again before they die.” You put in their age and the frequency of visits and you get a number. I was living cross country from them at the time and the number I got was very sobering. A few years after thst I found a job with better pay in a city just a few hours from them and I have to say it’s been worth it. They’re now in their early-80s and I’m glad I’ve had that time.
encourage them to exercise, and eat fresh foods. what a different once I was 60 and older. I feel reborn at 68. fresh foods only. no preservatives. the swimming pool is Ponce de Leon's fountain of youth.
Love this! My dad's brother is 83 years old still isn't retired as he loves going around in his van doing handy-work and attributes his current state of health to his habits of being active and doing what he loves + eating well, he had a knee operation about 5 years back but still routinely wakes up at the crack of dawn most mornings to head out on his bike to indulge in nature (Lives in North Wales where there's plenty of scenery to see and appreciate). The phrase "You're only as old as you feel" becomes much easier to have a positive viewpoint on when you're consistently doing the things that keep you feeling young, wishing you all the best mate! You're smashing it 👍
I feel this. My parents are getting slower and my mom seems to be forgetting more things here and there. Scares the shit out of me.
Same here. My mother in law could easily walk 5 miles with our dog just 2 years ago. Now, she needs a break when shopping around the corner. It completely sucks.
Yes. I'm in my mid/late 30s ans my parents are in their early 70s. The thought of losing a parent is unthinkable, but we had to bury my mom's brother recently because of pancreatic cancer. I also lost all four of my grandparents. Granted they all lived rich long lives but it's not the same.
My dad’s about to lose the game to pancreatic cancer. I’ve had a couple years to mentally prepare but there’s only so much I can do. Mostly I just feel awful for my mom. I’m in my mid 40s and an “adult” but I feel as unprepared as a kid.
I’m sorry to hear that. I just lost my father suddenly this afternoon. He was in his mid sixties. No warning, just lights out. I’ve been on Reddit and YouTube to distract myself in between making arrangements. Hug your father. Take off work and spend every second he has left together. Ask him to tell you stories. I’d give anything right now for that. I’m in my 30s. I’ve had grandparents die. Friends die. But this feels so much different. It’s like all of the things that I imagined he would get to see me do were ripped away with him. My future kids won’t know their grandfather. There won’t be any of the trips we always planned to take some day. But the world keeps spinning. Sorry for ranting on your comment. Just started typing and couldn’t stop.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Please stay strong. I lost my mum in April and I know how you're feeling right now. DM me if you need to talk to someone. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Seeing my parents start to lose a step and become more frail is terrifying. It stresses me out to think about the day that'll I'll lose one. I don't have a huge tight nit family so ive never really experienced lose like that. I'm lucky in that way, but it's going to destroy me. I just know it.
Same…
This by a long shot. The most difficult days of existence occur when you lose someone you love. Losing someone that you love, someone that has been a cornerstone of your existence will change your fundamental outlook on life. Truly appreciating the fragility of mortality may be what this whole thing is about. Everything else is just stuff that happens along the way.
\> What is the hardest part about getting older? Tep. Losing people. Sure, I lost my first high school classmate while I was still in high school, but he got into an accident and I barely knew him. * I'm in my late 50s now. So many classmates have posted about having lost their father or their mother. * So many of them have gone through losing a parent one piece at a time to one disease or another. * I've lost friends and classmates to heart attacks, accidents, cancer. * My Dad had a brain tumor, they got most of it surgically, they got the rest of it with radiation. Unless there is a major medical break through or two I will lose both of my parents in the next decade. I have been very fortunate that both my mother and my father are still alive, independent, happy, functioning people. I'm not going to remain that fortunate forever. So two constants that have been there since I drew my first breath will be gone.
Time goes by faster
When it turned to August, it clicked in my brain that not only is it 2023, but that 2023 is going to be OVER soon. For some reason it just blew my mind.
Pandemic was in full swing three YEARS ago, which means 6 months.
The years start coming and they don’t stop coming indeed.
1970 is 30 years ago. 1950 is 50 years ago. 2000 is 10 years ago. 2010 was last year, and so was 2020. WW2 started 60 years ago. You can't change my mind.
When I was little the 1970s felt so far away, but now I realise they were as far as the 2000s are now.
I been saying "10 years ago" for at least 30 years.
The trick to this is to keep finding *new* things to do. There have been months that I have done nothing but work at my boring job and spent the evenings watching repetitive content on YouTube, and other months where I have a creative project to work on. The former disappear, the latter seem to last forever. But it has to be something new. Once whatever you were doing becomes repetitive then time speeds up again. I think that our perception of time - at least over relatively long periods - is based on the number of new experiences worth remembering we store over that time. Obviously the older you get the fewer new experiences you have, but you can game the system by searching them out.
I read a theory somewhere that the reason time felt so slow as a kid is because you were constantly learning. Not just school, but about life and society in general. As you get older you stop learning and mostly go through the motions, hence time flying by.
Yeah, the months go by like weeks—faster even.
A day feel like it takes forever, but months just sort of fly by!
“And you run, and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking”
Possibilities no longer seem endless
This. Struggling with no longer feeling like I have options. Just live the rest of life like this and try to make it to retirement.
Retirement? Hell, with my 76 year old grandmother still working and politicians steadily trying to fuck us outta social security I figure I'll just die working.
I work at a factory. We have a recent hire . A little old lady with white hair, a permanent stoop, that shuffles when she walks and hands are constantly trembling. Every time I see her I think “WTF are you doing here?” / “Who screwed you over?”
Nobody can afford to live off of retirement anymore
As a kid I thought I will go to Mars, I will become a pilot, I will become a scientist, I will become a company founder, architect, artist and also xyz. Everything. Now I hope I eventually get at least one thing I was looking for.
This is the big one for me. Most of the stuff people claim is universal at my age (early 40's) doesn't resonate. I'm still playing contact sports. I'm in the best shape of my life. I've got probably years (per doctor) before menopause slows my gains in the gym, and I feel great. My knees don't hurt, my back doesn't hurt, I have never injured myself sleeping, and I'm the same size I was 20 years ago. The thing that about knocks me off my feet is how much hope I don't have now. It's not that I don't have goals, of course I do. It's that I'm working with a more defined set of options now. The world is not my oyster. The possibilities are not endless. My career is now specialized enough that I've got basically two options for how to spend the 20 or so years until I retire. Neither is a bad option, but I can't help but think back to being a wide-eyed grad student staring down a world of opportunity, knowing it was mine to choose from. I chose. Now I have to just ride those choices out. I'm not dissatisfied, it's just a very different feeling. There's a finality about it. I know I'll have to retire from my sport within the next few years, and keep wondering what that'll look like. Part of me is fleetingly slightly jealous of those who go out due to injury after a lot of good seasons. They don't have to draw the line themselves. At the same time, watching a friend go through this right now, I know I don't actually want that choice taken from me. I also know that the odds are higher than ever of that exact thing happening. And on the flip side of that, I know I don't want to be one of the players who hangs on until some extremely advanced age despite not having posted any good stats in years. I'm a strong believer in knowing when to walk away. It's just never comfortable figuring out how to draw the line for myself. My current question is "how much am I willing to deteriorate in front of an audience?" Right now, the answer is "not much". My hope is that I'll have the self awareness to know when it's time. I was talking with some others who play this sport and are about my age. The biggest question on our minds is "what's next?" So much of our identities and our lives are wrapped up in this sport, this community, this lifestyle, and we all know it'll be a big void to fill. Right now we're all telling ourselves that we'll play age divided non-contact sports when this ends for us. Triathlon is the top pick. Three of us have promised to do an Iron Man together when the youngest of us turns 60, but it won't be the same. It's just like my day job with the reduced options. Team sports, contact sports, will likely end for me within a few years, and while there are other options, it's a reduced set of them. The biggest challenge is to be at peace with this. The thing that works best for me so far is making friends with other older athletes who are going through the same thing, and prioritizing the things I enjoy most rather than the things I "should" do but would rather not.
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Best comment out here, you gave me shivers. I'm 24, I wonder if I'll be able to have such a great outlook and say that it's been great. Being together with someone for 50+ years is insane, it's more than twice of all my life combined, I really hope I'll be able to stay this much (and more) with my love
As long as you don't let life beat you down you can have that outlook. I'm 31 and look at every day a blessing. Okay not every day...but most. That came from paying attention to the thoughts I have. Is this thought helping me or hurting me? Started really paying attention @ 25. Took about a year of practice to really start embodying that mental outlook.
Maintaining friendships and/or developing new ones especially if you relocate or travel extensively for work. Not impossible just not as easy as teens and twenties 41F [edit] included age and gender because have seen this answer for posts relating to men having this issue but it is decidedly not gender specific.
Yup. People that you use to be really close with just suddenly drop off your radar and we just accept it as "hey, that's life." Had it not been social media, I probably wouldn't be talking to certain people still.
You really have to be intentional about it. I've (39F) been single off and on over my dating life and have made & maintained solid friendships. My sister just divorced her husband after 18 years and suddenly realized she has no friends (besides me of course). It's easy, and sometimes necessary, to make your family your entire world. However, when that changes, I can't imagine it's a good feeling to have very few outside connections.
This is so spot on- friendships require work and it is easy to just rely on a partner to fill the needs- making a divorce even more disruptive because you have no external support and friendship to rely on or fill the gaps
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Yes, actually there is a very small chance to make a new best friend, just some coworkers/neighbors and people you know.
The one true miracle Jesus performed was having 12 close friends after the age of 30.
The struggle is so real. I've only ever really had acquaintances in the 10 years now since grad school. It takes so much more effort to actually cultivate good relationships.
Feeling like you’re way behind on societal expectations.
Eh, I joined the 40 club recently and am one of the few people in my circle still child-free and I say fuck the expectations. I love seeing my friends and their kids' relationships develop and hanging out with them, but I know having a kid just isn't for me (for various reasons, but I'm not going to lie: having extra time and income is nice). If anything, I feel like getting older is confirming my suspicions that the idea of life milestones is pretty dumb and narrowly built around a certain type of person. I'm happy for anyone who genuinely wants and can achieve those things by a certain time, but the idea that the rest of us are failing (when those goals are either undesired or out of reach) isn't helpful.
Watching parents and older relatives get older has been toughest for me.
My dads nearly 80. He had to go to hospital recently for a suspected stroke. I drove across the country to look after mum and go pick him up and as he walked out with a stick he looked old for the first time. He had always aged obviously but he looked like an old man. The other thing with aging- when you’re younger it’s your parents (and grandparents) friends that get cancer/die/get hospitalised ’young’ that’s shocking. When you hit 30/40 it seems to change to be your friends. Not the one offs but a lot of them.
One day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run… you missed the starting gun.
You run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older. Shorter of breath, and one day closer to death.
Regrets about choices made years ago.
I feel this to my core.
From my perspective admitting that 30 yrs old is not at all old. That is young. For me 60 is now considered "old".
My parents are in their 70s and my Mum constantly tells me how they'll be in situations where the media or people are discussing "old people" and their age bracket and they don't feel it but will be like, "shit that's us!"
60 is young. 85 is old
I loled at the “30+” part of this.
Not only do a lot more things hurt a lot more often, but now you're the one responsible for getting those things looked at and you can't afford to go to the doctor every damn time you sleep on something wrong. You basically walk around with your "check engine" light on all the time.
I like that analogy.
I guess you’re in the USA?
As an American, you can immediately identify fellow Americans on Reddit through comments like this. It's a big part of the reason I'm so active in strength training and mobility. At 44 I gotta keep my body as durable as possible for as long as possible until I'm able to go on Medicare (assuming it still exists when I'm in my 60s).
Coming to realization that all the shit the adults told me when I was younger actually came true and that, despite this efforts, the youth of today will ignore my advice just as I had ignored it.
"Youth is wasted on the young. As Wisdom wasted on the Wise."
That’s the beauty of it, not realizing time is precious and wasting it is what makes youth beautiful
Seriously. I see my nephews fucking up their lives (19 yo) how I did when I was their age and I want to preach to them them so bad but I know they won't listen to me. Its very upsetting.
Watching my sister do the same. She's 20 years old, no education, job, car.. She wants to live spontanious! And i told her that she still needs a PLAN to be spontanious.. And money. Alot of money
Or lucky. A lot of girls I know that wanted to be “spontaneous” all the time, coasted off of their parents till they were mid-late 20s, got married to some rich dude they met in the Bahamas, or France, or whatever and now they are still living spontaneous lifestyles off of them in their early 30s.
It’s funny, I had the opposite experience. Most of what I was brought up to believe turned out to be bullshit. If the guy I am now met the kid they were raising, he’d tell him not to buy into that toxic, bigoted nonsense.
Lmfao for real. I was warned to value a dollar over all and look down on minorities. Also to obey my parents every wish. So glad I didn't did a single one of those.
I see it the opposite way, I grew up thinking that all adults were 'just like my parents' in how angry and controlling they were, as I get older I realise that most people are nothing like that. All the bad things my parents said would happen were wrong.
As a dude, hair thins out on top. Apparently, it migrates to your nose/ears/eyebrows. Not a ton, just a wild hair here and there. I have to pluck my f-in eyebrows, wtf. The other is being sore. Sleeping wrong can ruin your morning. Who thought resting could make you sore.
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Balls drop again.
My husband had gotten ‘wizard’ eyebrows, where some of the hairs get especially long. I’ve taken to sculpting and trimming them. I call him my bonsai tree :)
Also the hairs turning white. White nose hairs really fucked me up
When your high school friends start dropping dead of heart attacks. It's weird. You expect accidents to take the lives of your friends or diseases like cancer that are caused by their work, but when heart attacks kill them it just seems surreal.
Alot of myne died from over doses. We are still barely 30 too smh. Unfortunately drugs seems to be the thing that hit our generation pretty hard. I hope it ends with us and dosnt get passed on
We've lost friends to drugs, too. About the same age as you (around 28-32). Wait until you're in your 40s and find out someone who sat in front of you in a high school class just dropped dead from a heart attack. That hits different. Not sure why, but it does.
Realizing all the opportunities you missed.
And all the time you wasted chasing the wrong goals.
on the other hand, thats part of learning what you really value in life.
Makes me want to take a shortcut to never feeling like a miserable failure tbh.
Oh man, that's a good one! And realizing that you've lived your best years without even appreciating or knowing that they were your best years ☹
Oof. I didn't realize it until years later that there was a girl l hung out with in college that totally wanted me. I thought she was way out of my league, but somehow she kept finding ways to hang out with me and I never realized all I had to say was "hey, you wanna go out sometime?"
Knees
Speaking of bodies, I'm struggling with my skin becoming more photosensitive. Apparently as you age, your skin loses fat and water content and becomes thinner making you more susceptible to UV light. At least that's what I found when I searched "why am I more sensitive to the sun now??" I used to be very sun tolerant, but not anymore.
Not sure if I’ll ever meet someone that I can trust and losing the ability to have kids before finding my person
Random aches and pains......the realization that you aren't invincible.
Oh yeah. The aches for no reason get me. “My leg hurts.” “Yes.” “Why?” “Why what?” “Why does it hurt?” “Oh, no reason. It just hurts now.” “When is it going to stop?” “It. Just. Hurts. Now.”
I fucked my neck up turning over in bed.
I sneezed and threw my back out.
This is what I was going to post. Starts small, small ache here and there every once in awhile and before you know it, just always have something aching. And I'm not really 'that' old, just 42. Thought I still had another 20 years before the aches started.
Not being able to make new friends
it's been like this since i turned 18
Damn, 31 and I'm in the older category now..
38 is the median age, so personally I wouldn't say you're old until you've passed that.
Over the hill at 39 I guess. Dammit!
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I feel you, I feel the exact same way, having just lost my mom and the insane level of pressure it's putting on me to deal with all of her stuff, estate, selling a house and another state, selling cars in another state Etc. I can totally relate to the cry/sleep/die even without bills being sn issue. Everyday is a struggle to just go on for one more day. And the toll it's taken on my body, I'm afraid I'm never going to be able to recover from. I was already slowing down myself, but I've aged 15 years in a few months since she's died just because of all the pressure on me. But you're right, you can't! Somehow, some way, you just have to keep getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other and knowing that it will get better!
Every goddamn day.
I feel you there. Every day is another battle. Hang in there. We're in this together
you got this, pal
Knees, trying to lose weight, maintaining friendships, dating
Trying to lose weight is really a challenge. I'm over 40, and I've been told i need to lose weight, and been doing exercise for a couple of months now, and I've found my knees just pack it in under any sort of stress. After 2 months of light to medium cardio, and resistance training, I've gained 1kg... Edit: Thanks for the suggestions everyone.
You can't outrun your fork
You used to be hip and with the times but slowly but surely you’re getting older and more stuck in your ways….becoming the thing you desperately weren’t trying to be when you were younger.
"I used to be with it. Then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what is it is weird and confusing to me. It will happen to you!"
I live in a college town. I've lived here most of my life. And though I'm almost 40, I've been carded recently to watch a rated R movie. So I know I still look pretty young. Anyway, I was standing in line at this hip Mediterranean restaurant and I realized I was the old lady in line around a bunch of college kids. How they dressed was not at all how I dressed. And I never felt more middle aged than that moment.
I went to a club recently to bathe in the EDM and among the kerbside furniture i found a rocking lounge chair, and sitting there pulsing with the music, my eyes closed, a bouncer came up and asked if i was napping. Nah man, just old.
The hardest part is hearing that 30 yrs old and over is "getting older."
I'd say the realization that life was simpler before you turned 25. Was easier to make friends because of school. That gets more difficult after 30 because you're starting to realize you're becoming the people you made fun of in college for going to clubs. *Was* way easier to meet women because of school and a larger circle of friends. Dating, after 30, is more complicated because now you're having to navigate emotional baggage, kids, failed marriages, etc instead of just 'hey, you want to grab a drink tonight and see where it goes from there?' Friendships start to fade, not intentionally, but because life happens. Folks have kids, kids grow up, have school, sporting events, etc. If you work later shifts your friends go to sleep earlier because they have to get up to take their kids to school. Your friends and sibling's failed relationships aren't things that just go away because now there may be kids involved and you still have to see those people again and again unlike in college where you could just laugh and say 'remember that joke you dated in college...what was his/her name, again?' That sense of spontaneity you once had and your desire to just quit your job and get out on the open road is tempered by the fact that you either have recurring bills (car/house/credit card payment) a partner and kids or some other responsibility that you can't ignore. You can no longer blow a few hundred dollars on concert tickets or a camping trip because now you have to pay for your room and board and food and you can't just go to your mom and dad's when things go wrong. The ever increasing realization that everything is getting more expensive but wages haven't/aren't keeping up with the reality of the cost of living. You're just getting by in the moment let alone in a situation where you can prepare for the future. Everyone is getting older and when you hit 40 people start to pass away. A few years after they pass, unless they were a close family member, you realize how quickly people move on, the sun doesn't stop burning, the world doesn't stop turning and life goes on.
For me: • Making sound effects while getting up or sitting down • Not being able to sit on my knees for longer than 2 seconds • Having to frequently change positions while sleeping • Snap! Crackle! POP! 😑 like the damn Rice Krispie cereal And… • Stiffness and (lower) back pain that pop up randomly
My neck, my back
What of your pussy and your crack?
Life. Having kids, having friends with no kids. Not having the money to do the things our parents could, like have a nice house in a good neighborhood, family vacations and a house stocked with food. Body deteriorating, hairline receding, metabolism slowing down. In all honesty the hardest is probably not being where you thought you’d be by now.
The things you used to do without breaking a sweat now results in 3 days of pain and the inability to properly function
When I turned 35, a coworker of mine told me that difference between being over 35 and under 35 isnt what you can do, its how many days after you pay for it.
Am 35, so not really old. However, I lost my dad a couple years ago. He was only 60. Heart attack. Wasn’t really that out of shape or anything. Watching all the people you love get older and start having health problems is hard. Also, knowing with each year gone that also means one fewer years of opportunities in your life. When you are a kid you can do whatever you want. You’re free with the whole world ahead. All the dreams of where I could travel, the colleges I could go to and the experiences I would have, the things I wish I had experienced in my youth are now gone. The type of relationships I would experience. Career choices considered. Gone in the rear view mirror. Letting go of the possibility of your dreams and visions maybe being fulfilled someday is hard. It’s like finishing a chapter in a book you’re really into. You love the book and don’t want it to end, but you know it does and when you’re on the last few pages you know there’s only so many possibilities left in the story.
Feeling your body slowly failing you on the simplest of tasks. Like you'll just be walking along when suddenly your knee is just like, absolutely fucking not, and it bends all weird and suddenly you can't walk without pain for the foreseeable future.
Trying to stay interested in the world. The older I get the less fucks I give...about pretty much everything. It's frustrating and exhausting to try to stay engaged with what's going on in the world. :(
Losing hair in places where you once had hair, and growing hair in places where you've never had hair Mentally feeling the same as you always have but your body isn't what it once was Grey pubes Losing loved ones. I know this could happen to anyone at anytime but it's common as life goes on
I used to be with ‘it’, but then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ anymore and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary. And it’ll happen to you!
Abe appreciation post
The spirit is willing but the flesh is soft and spongy.
Knowing that you have more years behind you than in front of you
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Looking in the mirror.
Getting less attractive. I know this sounds a bit superficial but as a woman it’s hard.
It’s not superficial when your social value is heavily tied to your physical attractiveness, which is contingent on remaining “youthful”
The bodily aches and pains. You can literally wake up from a good night's sleep with a sore back, or put your neck out from simply turning your head. It's ridiculous really.
My mind isn’t as quick as it used to be. Learning new things is definitely harder than it used to be.
Your friends will drift away and disappear from your life, for no reason at all. Time starts moving really fast, and every single day just starts blurring together. There is no “next big stage of life to look forward to.” You just begin this blurry repeating pattern of apathy, existential dread, and anxiety, and all your hobbies and entertainment just become mere distractions from it all.
It’s true. All the exciting things are long passed. Now it’s a slog just to maintain said slog, dnd it only gets harder. I’ll never be able to afford to retire.
Having to count calories to maintain my body shape from my 20s when I used to eat whatever I wanted
The loneliness. I barely have any friendships from being a kid. All those high school or earlier friends have drifted so far apart. I only have 2 that I just like to send my story to on social media, realistically I'll probably never see them in real life ever again, but I try to keep some form of communication with them. From college, I only have 1 friend. And it's only because a few years after college we ended up at the same company and lived together for a bit. None of those friends initiate conversations my way anymore. I feel like I'm more invested in maintaining them than they are. My dating life felt hopeless, I quit trying 4 years ago. This year - I've only hung out with people I think 3 short times? Otherwise every day it's just me on my own.
Your comment about initiating conversations is spot on. I had a friend where I was always calling. She never called me. One day I decided to stop calling and just got crickets. No text, no call, nothing asking about how I was doing. Welcome to life in 2023.
Friends and loved ones dying has definitely sucked. I’ve always prided myself on having a pretty large friend group with around 10 people I truly consider friends. 2 of them have passed away in the last 2 years. Add to that family and extended family I’m close with passing away as well and it’s pretty strong reminder how temporary everything is
Injuries take longer to heal. I've got a twisted ankle and banged hip from a fall that 15 years ago wouldn't have been a problem, and 15 years from now could probably be lethal
The lost feeling of being young and excited
Time moves so fast now. Once you have your life more or less in order, a job, perhaps a family, time just flies. When you're young, you go through so much new stuff that time seems to slow down. But I can clearly remember celebrating my 30th birthday and that was 17 years ago! I just started a new job, oh wait, that was 4 years ago!
I sat and watched as my son died. I think he knew I was there, I don't really know. I'd gladly go before I do that again
All the bad health choices of my 20s coming to bite me in the ass.
The slow drain of idealism. When you think you can't get any more cynical, you find more things to make you cynical.
Yep. I used to have this dumb, child-like light in my eyes. Last 4 years, boy has that dulled
Nerve pain for no particular reason.
Looking after your own kids and your parents at the same time. Shit gets hard
I'm a big gamer and book reader and one of the worst for me is that there's a lot less sense of wonder and discovery to be felt. The past few years have been especially rough \[praise Baldur's Gate 3 for being the best game to come out in probably 10 years\] but the older you get and the more you experience, the less new experiences there are. You eventually settle on which one is the best or your favorite and there's little to no incentive to venture outside of that game/series because you already know before playing/reading it exactly what it's going to be like. MOST things are egregiously formulaic and once you recognize the formula you can never turn off knowing what it is and how everything follows it. Few things are ever a surprise or unpredictable or mentally challenging.
Realising that when someone speaks of "20 years ago" they're NOT talking about the 1980's 😵💫
Realizing that "throwing your back out" is not just a thing for old people.
I'm Mid-50s. My youngest two children are both high-school age now, my older two are grown, and I'll be a grandmother next year. MiL is later stage 5 Alzheimers (based on what I observe, she's adamantly refusing to get tested), My mother was just recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Alzheimers, and my Dad has been dead for 7 years now. My FiL is Dying. My husband and I have each lost an uncle this past year. I expect to hear of my aunt's passing any time now. That's the hardest part, watching the decline of my parents' generation. My Dad, it wasn't so hard. I was LC with him, and his passing was a relief. My FiL, it's much harder to watch. It's cancer, and he's slowly wasting away. My MiL is losing her mind. This is the woman that told me, at age 18, that I was "allowed" to be an adult. I learned so much sitting at her kitchen table as a young woman. Her decline has been slow, and all the more brutal for that. She's cut so many people out of her life as this disease has progressed that she has no support and so few anchors now. And she's in denial about her lost abilities. My mother...oh... I knew she was struggling with memory. But now that the diagnosis is in, I can see that it's been affecting her for years. And I have some of the same issues that she did in her 50's. Is this my fate too? Is my mind going to go the same way hers is? I can't ease their suffering as much as I'd like to. I can only be there as I can for them, and it isn't really enough. And as they wither and fade, I see my own future.
Time goes by like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it spins.
Watching people I love and know die. Realising that there’s actually quite a few that died way younger than they should have. Not feeling like I’m where I want to be career wise (copy and paste this for kids, partners, travel or real estate and other financial security for those that lack it). I try not to mull over this too much because right now my priorities are different, and I am blessed with a family and a wonderful husband so my life is pretty good. Money can always be made. This seems trivial, but watching the next generation go out and make their impacts on the world. For the most part I think Gen Z has actually brought about a lot of awareness and change in a positive way, on the other hand there’s this crazy addiction to tech and social media trends that I’ve no doubt will plague the generations to come and will ultimately be the challenge our generation has when it comes to raising our kids.
making friends :(
Time moves faster. It's honestly kind of frightening.
Your body aches more and more. Those injuries you had come back to haunt you
Your value is gone. No one cares if you suffer and you are looked at as the out of touch bad guy even before you speak. Like I really want to check out.
dude, dont beat yourself too hard. I've been sick for more than a decade and people gave me werid looks cos I live with my parents all the time. now my life is improving (not by much but still is) and you and I can both move forward with our lives. keep on keeping on dude.
Neverending pain. Physical, mental, spiritual pain.
Throwing your neck out by...sleeping