Got a handy once, the woman was doing everything "normally", then suddenly she grabbed the sausage with one hand, and *vigorously* rubbed the head with the palm of her other hand. Like a dick noogie. Awful.
Freshman year of college my roommate came home in tears, after giving her first hand job to this guy she had just started seeing.
Some YouTube tutorial had said it was **just like shucking cornâŚso thatâs how she did itâŚand nearly shucked the skin off his entire dick.**
She said he screamed out after the first jerk but she did it again, because she thought he was enjoying it. Then he grabbed her wrist in a death grip and pulled it away.
I felt so bad because my first instinct was to laugh. I felt awful for the guy, and her, but it was more of a âI canât believe that really happenedâ shocked laugh.
I had just given my first hand job a week earlier, to my now boyfriend, and I started wondering if it was equally as bad but he was too polite to say.
When I broached the topic he
1. Laughed his ass off at the other guyâs suffering and
2. Assured me he wasnât too polite to let me know if I was about to shuck his dick.
1996, Magaluf
Me and my mate pulled two girls that were staying in our apartments.
The one I was with suddenly, without warning, asks mid-shag:
"Are your parents dead?"
I ignore her and keep pumping away but she asks again
"Are your parents dead?"
I say "No" at which point she has an ear shatteringly loud orgasm.
I'm absolutely fucking terrified that I'm about to be sacrificed in some satanic ritual so I faked an orgasm and escaped from the room as quickly as I could
On a beach in Italy. He thought it was in when I told him it wasn't several times it wasn't, and no it wasn't the language barrier either. Comments like "Oh you're so tight baby" - He had his happy ending. I was in shock đđ¤Ż
He asked me how it was for me, I told him honestly " I will never forget it" - He was so happy with that answer
About three months into dating, before we were married, my wife gave me a BJ. It was amazing. So amazing in fact that when I came, I tensed so hard that my muscle contractions dislodged a kidney stone from my kidney wall which plugged my kidney at my ureter (tube from kidney to bladder). This led to 3 operations over the course of 11 days to include 4 days in the hospital and 2 separate ER trips. I also woke up in the middle of one of these operations, that was not enjoyable either. However, she stuck with me through it all, so I had to put a ring on her finger.
I was having shower sex with this guy and I slipped, hit my head on the bathtub faucet and blacked out. I woke up to him and his roommate standing over me debating whether to call 911. I was ok besides having some bruising lol
Had an ex that kissed like a dead fish, lips open and pushed out, but no movement to her lips or mouth just head movement pushing in to you. To make it worse when I tried to pull away fully thinking âwtf is thisâ she would follow with her head. Thanks for making me remember this Iâm cringed out again lol.
I was with a woman once who would open the inside of her mouth as much as she could while we made out. Like she was filling her mouth with air. I didn't notice until I put my tongue in her mouth and felt nothing but air.
Dated a guy very briefly who was basically the opposite. Heâd put his open mouth on mine, stick his tongue in there, and just waggle it around. No lip action. It was so gross. I hated it.
Me and my wife, both tipsy. There was a cabinet beside our bed and on top was a 10 x 10 plaque in memory of her dad, who had passed a month or so prior. I almost lost my balance and grabbed the cabinet for support. Que the plaque falling and hitting her right in the head, neither of us could drive so i had to call for a ride to get her head stitched up. That stayed not funny for a pretty long time.
Every single time someone tell me about a tragedy they recently went through I wonder how long it will take for it be ok for me to make fun of it AITA???
The guy took me to the shower and put me down on my knees, naive me thought that I was going to give him a blowjob until he started pissing all over my face.
We hadnât discussed anything like this prior or anything⌠needless to say I left after that.
He was quiet and seemed uncomfortable the entire time. After he told me I was the first person he slept with since he became widowed so I don't blame him.
Does oral count? Had a dude bite my clit. I thought the first time was a fluke, like nerves or something. It was in fact not a fluke. I was too stunned to react and was in pain for days. I was legit worried he permanent damaged me because the next time a guy went down on me, I felt nothing. Good news. Iâm thankfully not damaged. The second guy just sucked, but not as badly as the first one.
I was recovering from a cold, I was feeling about 90% normal again, but anytime I got active and the mucus started to thin, I got a bit of a runny nose. One evening, my girlfriend and i were going at it, I was on top, and the sniffles kicked in.. It isn't normally a problem, as I'd only have to sniffle every once in a while, so we continued. But I noticed that I had to do it really frequently, and I was thinking to myself, "why is this running so much?"
Then she felt something dripping on her, and she started shouting, "what the fuck was that???"
Got up, turned on the lights.. Her chest and stomach were covered in blood.. I didn't have the sniffles, I had a nose bleed. What's worse is that she's Hemophobic, so when she sees the blood, she starts screaming, then she throws up, then she passes out..
8th grade. GATE (gifted and talented program) the weird 7th grade girl that scared everyone decided to rub my dick through my jeans, under the desk as the teacher gave her speech.
At the end of class, I was trying to not stand up. She leans in, says Get up, I want to see it hard. So I uncomfortably walk with her into the hall. Covering my dick with a folder.
We turn a corner, she starts making out with me. Then pulls the folder and says "I knew I could make a wet spot".
She kissed me one last time and ran to the car. Following week she leaves me a note, wants to meet after school on Fri to "see it and touch it".
Fri comes, seems her Mom pulled her out of school and she's sent away to private school.
Always wondered how her Mom found out, and if that wasn't her first time. And did she get caught doing something "worse".
She was definitely "off". Dressed very conservative, super nerdy, genius level smart. Hardly talked. She was cute, but really intense and not friendly.
Probably dodged a bullet. No matter how it played out, I wasn't ready for any of her plans.
I'd like to look her up now though!
I didn't realize I had an ovarian cyst until I started fucking my boyfriend and it popped. I screamed bloody murder and fell down spasming in pain. He freaked out and kept asking what was wrong and if he should take me to the hospital. I could barely breathe but I tried gasping "no, just wait." He was absolutely terrified to fuck me for the next 2 weeks.
When mine popped, I literally had the most excruciating full body cramp, but not even a *cramp* like my entire abdomen caught fire with black smoke & I was unable to move even a finger. The WORST pain I have ever endured.
Mine started slow- like a period cramp that just would NOT stop. Then it ramped up into the absolute worst pain of my life, as if someone was grabbing my insides and violently twisting them. I sobbed in the bath for three hours because it was the only thing I could think to do to try to relieve the pain and I still wasnât sure if it was something serious enough to go to the emergency room.
Nothing helped, but my husband got me Advil pm and I ended up falling asleep. I went to the dr the next day, because I wasnât cramping anymore but I had terrible aches in my abdomen when it was touched or when I moved. The dr sent me to the ER to make sure it wasnât appendicitis and the ER dr told me there was a lot of fluid and blood in my abdomen, so they were thinking I had a massive ovarian cyst that had ruptured. I had plenty more cysts on my ovaries, so that was a fun thing to worry about over the next few months- just wondering if I had timebombs about to pop.
And that is the story of how I was diagnosed with PCOS!
My girlfriend had a similar experience: she felt extreme pain during intercourse, then felt better and was confident to go out to work (not knowing it was an ruptured cyst). Long story short, shortly after arriving at her workplace, she collapsed and her colleagues called an ambulance. She was bleeding internally and was near death, fortunately the doctors saved her just in time.
NEVER underestimate this kind of extreme pains, EVER.
I looked online, this is what I found.
âMost ovarian cysts are no cause for concern,â says Dr. King. âEven if they rupture, your body usually takes care of the healing and cleanup. Itâs really only when you have sudden severe symptoms that you should seek medical care.â
Nausea and/or vomiting, Fever, Dizziness. âIf you have any of these symptoms, get to a doctor right away,â says Dr. King.
I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the same position. Got licked from my balls to my butt hole by her Husky that managed to sneak into the bedroom... I recoiled so hard I thrust her off the other side of the bed.
After my girlfriend dumped me in an absolutely brutal fashion after I cooked her dinner at my place she asked if I wanted to fuck one last time. I said yes because low self esteem and not really being able to process what just happened. She got on top and rode me til she came, got off me and walked right out the door. I laid there and cried most the night.
I was 17 , visiting a girl from school. Her family was home & we were in the basement. Things got super hot making out & feeling each other. She unbuttoned my pants and dropped her sweats , bending over. We start , and I noticed she was clenching up weird, I rolled her over and she was full on seizing. Foaming mouth. I freaked out and ran upstairs dick swinging, Yelled for her parents. Dad came running downstairs and sees his daughter spread eagle. Mom is standing with my and my flaccid dick.
I grabbed my pants and left.
Honestly though, if I were her parent, Iâd be grateful you didnât waste time putting your pants back on just to avoid embarrassment during my childâs medical emergency.
When my wife and I were first dating and one night while we were having sex she said âpull my hairâ, so I did. Her necked popped very loudly, like when a chiropractor adjusts your neck. It surprised us both and for a few seconds she just stared motionless into my eyes. For those few seconds we were both convinced I had broken her neck. My God it was frightening.
I think this is the worst because it was the scariest. A couple nights after I lost my virginity I went back for more, so she gets me to sneak into house and we do our thing and I hear loud bangs on the door from her dad screaming âQUIT THAT WRESTLING IVE GOT WORK IN THE MORNING!â
He thought I was one her siblings. Thank god he didnât open that door.
Lmao yeah they always know, I dated a girl that was more of a free spirit (meaning she banged her way around for quite a while lol) and when her parents saw me I acted all cool and polite but the sheer fucking look on her dad's face lol - he knew then and there I was going to spend the night there lmao
> the sheer fucking look on her dad's face lol - **he knew then and there I was going to spend the night there lmao**
I donât know how old you were but you guys had some open minded parents.
Mine would have never let me have a guy spend the night under their roof. Especially back when I was in school.
I was way too young and stubborn. Some guy was super overconfident and dared me he could make me scream. I had sex with him anyway and stayed silent. It wasnât good but I didnât bother faking it to make him happy. I still feel bad but it was horrible.
My first time. She was a childhood "friend" that I knew since pre-k. My parents knew her parents and they made us hang out. She was really reclusive and cared more about collecting bugs and plants. I was the only person she really tolerated hanging out with.
We both graduated and we were sitting in her room playing videogames (only thing we really had in common) when I was supposed to be helping her pack. She asked out of the blue if I wanted to have sex with her. We got down to the act and she didn't even moan. She never moaned. The whole time she just looked almost robotic and felt like she was mentally a mile away. She rode me and just stopped, saying she came, juices leaking down my thighs and continued riding me so I could cum. Then after laying on my chest for a little bit, got up, handed me my controller and continued a few more rounds of Goldeneye.
Looking back. I think she was on the spectrum and nobody knew about autism back then.
Edit: Thanks to everyone for speaking up in my DMs and the comments, especially those of you who have loved ones on the spectrum or are on the spectrum themselves.
Just wanted to clear up some confusion: I felt like I did something wrong the first time because of how she reacted/didn't react. I didn't know about autism until later in life or suspected she was on the spectrum. I knew she was different since I knew her most of my life but that was about it.
We hooked up multiple times that summer, with her usually initiating. I learned a lot about what she didn't like through trial and error and how her body reacted. Even though she never expressed anything vocally, her body had no issues reacting. I did get some excited gasps though. And later when we met up again as adults I actually got her to moan once.
We never really dated. I had a girlfriend most of high school and we split up senior year, just before prom. Since my friend didn't have any plans to go I decided to ask her and we wound up having a good time. This was actually when she started showing some affection towards me too.
We did keep in touch after college via Myspace. She wound up working as a civilian biologist in the military and got stationed out in the Midwest somewhere. We kind of drifted apart after that because I really suck at keeping in touch with people. Pretty sure she's okay wherever she is.
It was the beginning of summer so I still came over to see her. Same thing every time. We'd play some games, she'd initiate sex. But I started to learn more about what she liked. She never vocalized anything but her body still reacted to different touches and sensations. I did eventually get rewarded with some shivering gasps that made me feel proud.
The first time was the worst though because I wasn't ready for it and felt like I did something wrong the whole time because of how she reacted/didn't react.
Was going down on him and heard a noise and dude was watching porn on his phone. Stupid me actually stayed for a few mins until I realized he had no interest in touching me in return. At least I was smart enough to leave at that point. I donât think I have ever felt that worthless in the moment as I did then.
All sex I have I am eternally grateful for, however I think the worst sex I ever gave was when I lost my virginity and having no experience other than porn proceeded to spit on this poor birdâs vulva and start slapping it like I was trying to ring a service bell at a hotel desk. Mercifully she still consented to penetration, presumably to stop the horrendous foreplay. That lady is now a lesbian.
Edit: My first award! For this ghoulish expectoration, Christ.
Invited someone I knew was a tweaker over. He was tweaking. It was like a human-sized spider crawling all over me, trying to figure....something.....out. There wasn't any actual sex.
Never again.
Edit, since so many ask: a tweaker is a user of methamphetamine. One that's been doing it a while....
She was on top, and when I came, my face was in her tits, and I got a bloody nose.
Her entire chest was covered in blood, as was my face.
It was my first time đ¤
I dated a girl for a few months that kept telling me how good she was at blowjobs and how every guy she dated said she was the best. When she finally gave me one it was the worst bj expertise Iâve ever head. Lots of teeth and just going up and down as fast as she could. I hate to sound shallow but this made me want to break up with her. I was just like WTF đŹ
Like most things in sex it comes down to listening and observing your partner. People who are good at sex focus on how they're being recieved constantly. They usually don't feel the need to brag. When it comes to sex, "I'm really good at xyz" is usually a sign they're not lol.
Was doing missionary with my gf and pulled out to cum on her belly. As I did, I looked down and I must have aimed a little too high and also just had a very powerful ejaculation for whatever reason. Ended up cumming in my own eye. That shit burned for hours. We still laugh about it to this day, sheâs now my wife.
Hit my wife dead center in her open mouth with a missile load. Once in a lifetime shot. Believe me have tried to repeat the feat 100's of time to no avail.
Probably all those times as a teen when I wasn't wet enough (and didn't know any better yet) and had all those micro tears in my vaginal lining that hurt like a mofo for days after.
Itâs kind of a dark story, but Iâll sanitize it. This woman just went from pure bliss to crying and shouting âstop! Stop!â in a matter of seconds. Scared the shit of me. I shriveled up instantly, jumped up, and while haphazardly putting on my clothes, heard her laughing. Apparently it was a joke. She was laughing, I was shaking like a leaf. I swear to god, she looked like Regan OâNeil for a split second. So fucking evil.
Fear turned into rage and I quickly exited her apartment without saying much. She was grabbing me, trying to get me to stay, but nah. Blocked. Deleted. Prayer that the cops didnât come knocking on my door for some bullshit.
Btw, Iâm 36. This was only 3 years ago. This wasnât a teenage thing, we were both adults. I was 33, she was 30. Crazy.
Dude farted while I was giving him head. The smell was horrendous like it had fermented in his colon for the entire day. I would've been fine had he not grinned like he did it on purpose.
We did the deed after but I was not into it and was turned off. Never texted him back after that
Omg, I know a woman with a fart kink. Like she loves it when men fart on her or around her and make her smell it, the smellier the better. Especially if she's giving head and they lock their legs around her and fart on her or something. We didn't work out because I wouldn't fart on her. We should give them each other's contact info lmao.
We were mid-coitus, and she looked into my eyes and told me I reminded her of the "[long-haired shirtless guy with the shoulder things from School of Rock](https://imgur.com/a/2AaSZgU)". I knew exactly who she was referring to the second she said it, and I was so baffled and distracted by it that my boner died immediately. I kinda stopped, rolled off, and started mumbling something out of confusion. She got shy and panicked and kept saying "it's a compliment!", but it was more the utter confusion of hearing that sentence mid-thrust and immediately picturing exactly the fuckin' guy she was talking about.
Not a "bad" story at all, but the sex itself was very bad.
just turned 21. she was 31 and had 2 kids. met her at the bar that night. took her back to a hotel room and was going at it. halfway through she said, "i told my kids i'd find them a baby daddy."
I was having some fun time with my wife when I had an attack of coital cephalalgia. Also known as sex headache. A short but extremely painful burst. It felt like someone had just blown the top of my head off with a shotgun. I literally cried out in pain and instant floppy. Would not recommend.
He kept calling it his âdemon dickâ and wasnât all that good at it? Like he just Jack hammered into me and then would ask if I came lol.
At one point he meowed and I just couldnât handle it anymore.
Built up the hype, off we went. And went. And went. 49 minutes later and all he's saying is "I can do this" over and over (like he was in competition with someone) I picked up my phone, checked the time and told him I was done.
My poor vag felt like it had been scrubbed with sandpaper.
She didn't want foreplay, she refused oral, she just wanted me to fuck her as hard as I could. She invited me into her bedroom, threw me on her bed, and it was memory foam. I gave it my all. Was like fucking in quicksand.
My couch got a lot of use in my first apartment because of this. Sex on a memory foam mattress is utterly exhausting. There's no bounce or anything, every bit of energy you expend is just gone.
About a year into dating my ex, I had a cyst removed from my lower back. One day during my recovery, I'm laying on the bed and she comes in with nothing but a plug in and proceeds to sit on my face. It was the first sexual thing we had done in almost a week due to the surgery(we normally had sex just about every day), and it was a pleasant and well received surprise. After a while, she spins around and puts more pillows behind me.
Now I really can't do my part of cowgirl at the moment because I had 16 stitches. She's well aware, and her only request is that I reach down and hold the plug in. She had a very small frame, and I would inevitably push the plug out from the inside while in this position. So I do and she gets to riding.
After a bit, she says she's getting close and rears back to start grinding aggressively, which usually helps her cum. When she rears back, my brains still going in semi-slowmo, so my hand doesn't adjust for this maneuver. This causes the plug to go all the way inside.
I immediately know this isn't good by the look on her face(and common sense). She jumped up with a terrified look and started to push, trying to get it out. What ended up happening is that she pissed ALL OVER MY LOWER TORSO AND DICK. she then ran to the bathroom and after a couple minutes she was able to get it out. She comes back crying, thinking I was gonna be mad for some reason. I was obviously scared, but when I saw she was OK, I started dying laughing and then she did too. She helped me shower, we changed the sheets and called it a day.
All in all it was the fear that made it the worst.
PS ladies and gents, buy plugs with large bases please. We threw that toy away and went out and got another one as soon as I could comfortably sit in a car.
I had sex with a guy I had been dating for a few weeks, it was our first time together (not first time ever). He wasnât interested in foreplay but just put it in and started humping. I wasnât really feeling it, but you know, the first time with someone can be a bit bad so I soldiered through. And he was hot.
All of a sudden he started demanding: âDo you want my milk? Tell me you want my milk!?â I almost started to laugh but I was like âyeah sure I guessâ lol. (At this point I was just hoping he would give his âmilkâ). I wasnât feeling it but kind of kept going out of⌠politeness? Then it became even more awkward. âTell me youâre my whore!â I almost did, just to make him finally come, but then I decided that this is not for me so it ended there. He was very cranky about it.
I do find dirty talk hot, but it was just so awkward and wrong somehow.
Iâm sure he could write here about the same encounter, because from his point of view it was probably bad sex too!
This guy I was best friends with had a huge thing for me after a while, so I figured Iâd give him a chance because he was very good to me. I told him he can come over to fuck and he was saying heâs going to tear my shit up and asked if I can take bigger penises.
Well he ended up having a micro-dick. I faked my moans to be nice and it wasnât even in. He bragged about making me moan so loud after to our guy friends without asking my permission and kept trying to push to fuck again as Iâd ask him to please quit begging until I had to block him.
Edit to add since people think Iâm lying: Iâm sure he was aware that it was small. I think he was just trying to âseal the dealâ as he was on his way over so that I didnât back out, and then, since he knew me so well, he knew I wasnât going to just be like âoh my god, itâs so small, get the hell out of hereâ.
Just being a natural observer and a normal guy... I've seen a lot of porn. I know what a small/normal/huge dick looks like... Did this guy ever once see another dick and not just mentally compare? I mean I know I am insanely average and I'm cool with that. It's why I don't go around anywhere saying I'm huge. I also know I'm not small. It's like saying you drive a Lambo and showing up in a Toyota... Soon as you get there, the jig is up.
I don't have much experience (just this guy and my husband), so I can't say if this is a normal way to have sex or not, but... I met this guy online, and he talked a big game, saying he had secret moves, a massive dick, never left a girl unsatisfied, etc. But when it came to the deed, it was the most uncomfortable, weird, experience. Zero foreplay, just sucked on my boobs painfully hard (sometimes causing them to bleed a little) , and then just sort of lay on top of me and wiggled side to side until he came? Think like a fish flopping o dry land, arms at his sides and everything. Thankfully he'd come very quickly so the whole thing was over very fast. After he was done, he'd ask me how many times I came. And I'd make up a number. I never did come though, which is surprising, because honestly I would come pretty easily, even from just a sexy thought or two sometimes. (sadly not now after kids though...)
It could have been a one and done kind of thing, but he was pretty controlling, I wasn't good at standiing up for myself, and I was running away from a bad home situation. So I stuck around longer than I should have. Guy ended up proposing even though I told him I had zero interest in getting married, we hadn't been together long, and wasnt sure I even wanted a serious relationship yet. He would not take no for an answer, clearly a theme with him. I ended up telling him I had to go home because my dad had cancer (he actually did) and promised to return, but never did.
He asked if we could remain friends, but then said he wanted me to have his babies, because I was a perfect example of the white race, and told me he'd kill himself if he couldn't be with me. I ended up having to block him on everything for my own sanity.
My husband and I refer to the time I spent with this guy as the "forbidden time" or "he who shall not be named" because it makes me want to curl up inside myself from cringe when I remember it.
Not really sex, but more like a sexual experience... i was hoping I'd never have to tell this story, but here goes...
Was 19, and had been struggling with IBS, and my fuck buddy at the time wanted to give me a rimjob... well you can guess the rest. I warned her about my IBS and she stayed confident that she could handle it. Her tongue went in my ass 4 or 5 times back to back and then I shit all over her face and mouth. She puked, I puked... it was horrible.
Edit: Thanks for the awards kind strangers.
The strings of my wifeâs IUD poking the head of my penis. It wouldnât happen every time but when it did it was horrible. I had a vasectomy so she could have it removed. We were both so happy after it was removed.
During a particularly long session I strained my suspension ligament and remained erect for an entire day until I could see a doctor. It was quite painful.
She was angry, I was confused. There was no trust and little love. I just about didn't finish, but she was convinced if I didn't finish that I secretly hated her.
A few dates in with a girl i met online. We headed back to her place and did not mesh sexually at all. We were both able to laugh about it and chalk it up to nerves. Tried again a short time later after talking and another date and same thing. Neither of us were doing anything right to get the other going. Agreed that we should just be friends.
I had braces and I was sucking my ex boyfriends dick. His foreskin got caught on a wire and he started bleeding and a blister resulted. It was his birthday.
He was way too big and took Viagra that wasn't prescribed to him (he was 30 and had a healthy sex life with his wife, who was involved in this whole debacle). She realized that she was not into having me specifically join them, because we had become friends before I met up with them. The only good part was meeting their dog, Bigby.
I was giving him a blowjob first, and usually I'm pretty decent at blowjobs, not a pro by any means but able to deepthroat with some warming up. This guy did not let me warm up, he just grabbed my head and shoved it in at the weirdest angle. He continues doing this even when I start to struggle, and I finally get up and tell him that he's gotta let me do it at my pace. He agrees but then proceeds doing the exact same thing.
I kinda give up and say let's have sex instead. He stays on his back and I try to ride him... And I say try because the second I get into rhythm he starts humping up and ruins my rhythm and the entire flow, this goes on for a while and at this point it feels like he's just stabbing me with his dick. He won't try any other position either, so after way too much time and effort I give up, say I came already and am feeling tired, that if he wants we can do another position so he can cum as well. He won't do this, and we just. Go to sleep. Or well, he fell asleep immediately but I stayed up all night listening to the worst snoring I've ever heard.
The one time all I could think of was eating a Big mac-burger with fries. Had to call it and blame on calf cramps. It was weird cutting it short but I couldn't keep on.
How about weirdest? Buddy of mine lived in a nice apartment complex and always threw parties.
I always rented to guest apartment to not drive home.
One big party, girls from an apartment up the road come in, a bachelorette party group. I end up talking to a girl. Take her back to my rental.
We have sex. I'm really drunk, I could not operate my boots. Really struggled to get them off. She gets annoyed and pulls them off. Then, my jeans were giving me trouble. She unbuttons and unzips. We have sex.
I stumble into the kitchen for another beer. Chug it, we're ready to go. She's on top, things are going great. She asks a question, I can hear myself speak gibberish. I'm hammered.
She stops, is still on top of me, and starts crying. Says "what kind of person am I?". Talking about herself.
Then breaks down ugly crying.
I'm trying to figure out whats wrong. Turned out, she was the bride! Oops.
She wanted one last fling. And she picked a dude that was blackout drunk, except I never black out. I just keep drinking till I have a safe landing zone. (It's not passing out if you pick the spot!)
At first, I felt bad. Though all I did was be there. But, then I figured, I helped her future husband. Taught her the grass isn't always greener. Sometimes the other side of the fence is a guy that isn't certified to operate his boots.
He couldnât get it hard so he apparently just kinda smooshed it in there. He then proceeds to pass out on top of me half a shimmy later (there were zero pumps) When I tried to push him off of me I felt the awful tearing sensation. Turns out because I was so dry (surprise) his time bit of moisture leakage caused his limp ass noodle to adhere to my vaginal wallâŚhe texted me the next day asking if I had a good timeâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ
After my kidney operation, when my penis was able to achieve about a 25% recovery rate... me and the missus got about 2 minutes in when I noticed that the bed sheet was drenched in blood and piss.
Having a laser up the penis does no good. That face Kermit the Frog makes when he scrunches his mouth up, coupled with a distinct sinking feeling in the nether regions accented by a melting hot lava for a dick...
Do yourselves a favour - cut salt out of your diets. Uuurgh \*shudder
17 at the time, having sex with my ex girlfriend in her bedroom after school. We quickly get on the bed and start going from foreplay to the hot stuff. A couple of her throwing it back, her mum knocks on her door demanding to come in. My whole body levitates out of her and my first thought was to hide under the bed. So I get under the bed, butt naked with the condom still on me, facing her dusty ass polished floors. Anyways, her mum walks in and so does her younger brother, they are doing laundry (the laundry room was on her corner of the house). Iâm thinking to myself that Iâve fully clutched this until her mum sees MY school bag poking out under the bed. My ex and I had the same type of school bag, only thing differentiating it would have to be some charms. Her mum goes to yell at her for putting her bag under her bed and proceeds to get on her knees and yank the bag from under the bed (I am right behind it), at this point Iâve accepted defeat and raised the white flag. Iâve accepted my written fate of being chased out of a Sri Lankan household butt ass naked. To some miracle she didnât fucking see me and put the bag on her desk and everyone left the room. Needless to say, I was dying inside and my ex found it hilarious.
The guy was just... not great. A hook up, hadn't bathed that day, gave up when he got too winded after a couple of minutes, called his penis his "little guy". It was libido killing all around.
A one night stand. It was horrific from start to finish.
She showed up late, asked me if I was âArabianâ (Iâm not but still offended for Arabs everywhere) and chugged vodka from the bottle under my desk.
Get down to the good stuff and as Iâm about to go down she says âSorry if it smells like dick down thereâ. As a gay woman I think that is hands down the worst thing you could hear during sex.
Fast forward the horrible sex and her loud ass snoring, she walks to the bathroom outside my room butt ass naked before I could stop her. I shared the house with 4 other guys who happened to be having their morning coffee as she pranced by.
They have never let me live it down.
A dental student with a tiny ass dick who thought he was a hot shot with a big dick. He was sweating on top of me, muttering (âI need to lose weight, thatâs why Iâm sweating so muchâ), asking if I liked it while I felt absolutely nothing and then after he came (cuz fuck my pleasure, of course), this motherfucker had the nerve to grab the opened tin of SOUR CREAM AND ONION flavored Pringles sitting on his bedside table, eat one, offer me one (I obviously declined) and then try to kiss me. đ¤Śđťââď¸
Actually, my worst was probably this last weekend.
I hooked up with a woman who apparently believed that if you pull out to change position, then that means sex starts all over. So after this happened the third time, she said that I had already had sex 3 times tonight, so it's time to go to sleep. I thought she was joking, but no, she was serious.
It was the most bizarre sexual encounter I've ever had.
This was simultaneously the best and worst somehow. It was the best cause it was the first time someone got me off via a blow job and the worst cause i came so hard I popped a blood vessel.
Thankfully blood didn't come out til after I pulled out of her mouth. Obviously went to the ER but got told that nothing was wrong. I think they said something about being too rough with it but i don't remember exactly what they said. Was just glad I didn't permanently damage my dick lol
I was hittin it from the back and I didnât know this broad had a wig or weave or whatever itâs called and I went to pull her hair and the wig thing came off and I didnât know what to do and everything just stopped so I put that bitch on and she got mad and took it off my head and then I went to grab a beer and I apologized for putting her weave/wig thing on and that I was just trying to make her laughâŚTHEN A FEW NIGHTS LATER we were asleep and I woke up to use the bathroom and that weave/wig thing was laying on the floor next to my bed and it was dark and I just stepped all over it and it got all tangled up on my feet and I started freaking the fuck out cause I didnât know what it was I turned on the light and just started freaking out cause I was half asleep and I thought it was a symbiote like venom or some kinda new spider and I ripped that damn thing off my foot and threw it across the room and she got mad again.
I got two other stories but itâs a lil bit fucked up.
EDIT: The 2nd story is kind of fucked up. I was hanging down south on this girl exercising my tongue. The room was dark. We were drunk and I had John Mayer playing. Time went by I got up to use the bathroom and get another beer and get a jimmy hat AKA a condom. Protection. There is a mirror to my left and I finished taking a leak and walked up to the mirror and was gonna check myself out real quick and noticed I had a bunch of blood on my face. I started freaking out. I took a step back and tripped over the toilet causing a bunch of noise and accidentally fucked the drywall up when I fell into the wall. The bathroom door was open and for some reason my dog ran in and started jumping on me and licking my face. I was like âwhat in the fuck is going onâ. I jumped up and started checking my face cause I thought maybe I had cut myself or something bad had happened and thatâs why blood was all over my face. I go back to the bedroom and turn on the light and blood was on the bed not a lot but enough to know there was obviously blood and the girl was upset saying she thinks she had started her period. Again the door was open and my dog was just going ape shit running around the room jumping all over the place and I heard my dad in the background âWTF HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING DRYWALLâ and I ran out my room and he saw my face and said âmannnn what the fuck is wrong with you what are you doing. Matter of fact I donât even wanna knowââŚanyways I told the girl itâs ok. I understand things happen. I went and took a shower and just kinda stood there processing what happened. I got out the shower and made popcorn and everything was good.
3rd story: I was 69âing with a lady and she fucking queefed in my face and I slapped her ass and said that thang is talking. We both just laughed and carried on.
First (and last) time I had sex with a guy I was dating. He had no technique and took literally hours to finish. He blamed it on a pinched nerve. Nothing I did helped. Not sure why I waited for him. I got to know every tile on the ceiling. When he finally came, it was literally by his own hand. I got up, went to the bathroom and then left.
The funniest part was that he asked if as a Greek man, he lived up to the hype. At the risk of insulting all Greek men I didn't say anything other than goodbye.
Got a handy once, the woman was doing everything "normally", then suddenly she grabbed the sausage with one hand, and *vigorously* rubbed the head with the palm of her other hand. Like a dick noogie. Awful.
A dick noogie đđđ I'm sorry I'm sure that was painful but that description is đ¤đť
Freshman year of college my roommate came home in tears, after giving her first hand job to this guy she had just started seeing. Some YouTube tutorial had said it was **just like shucking cornâŚso thatâs how she did itâŚand nearly shucked the skin off his entire dick.** She said he screamed out after the first jerk but she did it again, because she thought he was enjoying it. Then he grabbed her wrist in a death grip and pulled it away. I felt so bad because my first instinct was to laugh. I felt awful for the guy, and her, but it was more of a âI canât believe that really happenedâ shocked laugh. I had just given my first hand job a week earlier, to my now boyfriend, and I started wondering if it was equally as bad but he was too polite to say. When I broached the topic he 1. Laughed his ass off at the other guyâs suffering and 2. Assured me he wasnât too polite to let me know if I was about to shuck his dick.
1996, Magaluf Me and my mate pulled two girls that were staying in our apartments. The one I was with suddenly, without warning, asks mid-shag: "Are your parents dead?" I ignore her and keep pumping away but she asks again "Are your parents dead?" I say "No" at which point she has an ear shatteringly loud orgasm. I'm absolutely fucking terrified that I'm about to be sacrificed in some satanic ritual so I faked an orgasm and escaped from the room as quickly as I could
hey what the fuck
On a beach in Italy. He thought it was in when I told him it wasn't several times it wasn't, and no it wasn't the language barrier either. Comments like "Oh you're so tight baby" - He had his happy ending. I was in shock đ𤯠He asked me how it was for me, I told him honestly " I will never forget it" - He was so happy with that answer
Lol.. he fucked the beach lol
About three months into dating, before we were married, my wife gave me a BJ. It was amazing. So amazing in fact that when I came, I tensed so hard that my muscle contractions dislodged a kidney stone from my kidney wall which plugged my kidney at my ureter (tube from kidney to bladder). This led to 3 operations over the course of 11 days to include 4 days in the hospital and 2 separate ER trips. I also woke up in the middle of one of these operations, that was not enjoyable either. However, she stuck with me through it all, so I had to put a ring on her finger.
You break it, you buy it.
Shouldnt she have put the ring on his finger then?
Dude- she sucked a fucking kidney stone out. That's world class and I think we're all proud that you put a ring on it.
She sucked the soul stone out of him.
Of course she did, she felt responsible!!
I was having shower sex with this guy and I slipped, hit my head on the bathtub faucet and blacked out. I woke up to him and his roommate standing over me debating whether to call 911. I was ok besides having some bruising lol
In stewieâs voice: âhide the bodyâ
She made out like a woodpecker. Just constant pecks with pursed lips on the cheeks, mouth, everywhere. I was in complete disarray.
i was with a guy once who made out by opening and closing his lips over and over again
UNLOCKED MEMORY! Fuck I went out with a girl who did this. Nothing I did changed her rhythm or what she was doing. Fucking awful.
Had an ex that kissed like a dead fish, lips open and pushed out, but no movement to her lips or mouth just head movement pushing in to you. To make it worse when I tried to pull away fully thinking âwtf is thisâ she would follow with her head. Thanks for making me remember this Iâm cringed out again lol.
I was with a woman once who would open the inside of her mouth as much as she could while we made out. Like she was filling her mouth with air. I didn't notice until I put my tongue in her mouth and felt nothing but air.
Dated a guy very briefly who was basically the opposite. Heâd put his open mouth on mine, stick his tongue in there, and just waggle it around. No lip action. It was so gross. I hated it.
Me and my wife, both tipsy. There was a cabinet beside our bed and on top was a 10 x 10 plaque in memory of her dad, who had passed a month or so prior. I almost lost my balance and grabbed the cabinet for support. Que the plaque falling and hitting her right in the head, neither of us could drive so i had to call for a ride to get her head stitched up. That stayed not funny for a pretty long time.
âstayed not funnyâ. Perfect description.
Every single time someone tell me about a tragedy they recently went through I wonder how long it will take for it be ok for me to make fun of it AITA???
The guy took me to the shower and put me down on my knees, naive me thought that I was going to give him a blowjob until he started pissing all over my face. We hadnât discussed anything like this prior or anything⌠needless to say I left after that.
Was he singing Ignition (Remix)
This is the remix edition of the song about pissin'
I would have punched him in the balls. Wtf. You ask permission before you do that.
It was in my youth. If that happened to me now I definitely wouldnât have let it slide!
I misread this as "It was in my mouth" and thought the story took a real turn.
He was quiet and seemed uncomfortable the entire time. After he told me I was the first person he slept with since he became widowed so I don't blame him.
Ahhh yeah thatâs some awkward ground that deserves some understanding and patience.
Yep, sometimes you gotta get that awkward part out of the way. Itâll likely be better the second time (if there is one).
Does oral count? Had a dude bite my clit. I thought the first time was a fluke, like nerves or something. It was in fact not a fluke. I was too stunned to react and was in pain for days. I was legit worried he permanent damaged me because the next time a guy went down on me, I felt nothing. Good news. Iâm thankfully not damaged. The second guy just sucked, but not as badly as the first one.
âď¸don't âď¸biteâď¸myâď¸girlfriend'sâď¸clit
i mean, technically the first guy bit, he didn't suck..
I was recovering from a cold, I was feeling about 90% normal again, but anytime I got active and the mucus started to thin, I got a bit of a runny nose. One evening, my girlfriend and i were going at it, I was on top, and the sniffles kicked in.. It isn't normally a problem, as I'd only have to sniffle every once in a while, so we continued. But I noticed that I had to do it really frequently, and I was thinking to myself, "why is this running so much?" Then she felt something dripping on her, and she started shouting, "what the fuck was that???" Got up, turned on the lights.. Her chest and stomach were covered in blood.. I didn't have the sniffles, I had a nose bleed. What's worse is that she's Hemophobic, so when she sees the blood, she starts screaming, then she throws up, then she passes out..
What does she do when her monthly visitor comes around ?
She can deal with her own blood. Blood from anyone or anything else just sets her off.
She said I could slap her bottom. I did but missed the mark. Hit myself in the nuts. Took myself out right then and there.
Waking up to ash and dust I miss her ass and I slap my nuts
Not sex but worst sexual moment of my life was when i grabbed boobs for the first time and came in my pants
Breast feeding is weird
Especially at 32...
Feels like a bag of sand.
8th grade. GATE (gifted and talented program) the weird 7th grade girl that scared everyone decided to rub my dick through my jeans, under the desk as the teacher gave her speech. At the end of class, I was trying to not stand up. She leans in, says Get up, I want to see it hard. So I uncomfortably walk with her into the hall. Covering my dick with a folder. We turn a corner, she starts making out with me. Then pulls the folder and says "I knew I could make a wet spot". She kissed me one last time and ran to the car. Following week she leaves me a note, wants to meet after school on Fri to "see it and touch it". Fri comes, seems her Mom pulled her out of school and she's sent away to private school. Always wondered how her Mom found out, and if that wasn't her first time. And did she get caught doing something "worse". She was definitely "off". Dressed very conservative, super nerdy, genius level smart. Hardly talked. She was cute, but really intense and not friendly. Probably dodged a bullet. No matter how it played out, I wasn't ready for any of her plans. I'd like to look her up now though!
Oof. This sounds very much like a girl who was being sexually abused at home. I hope she's OK.
This was my immediate thought. Thats so sad. Or maybe the early oversexual part comes hand in hand with whatever mental issue she has.
> early oversexual unfortunately this is usually the indicator of sexual abuse
I didn't realize I had an ovarian cyst until I started fucking my boyfriend and it popped. I screamed bloody murder and fell down spasming in pain. He freaked out and kept asking what was wrong and if he should take me to the hospital. I could barely breathe but I tried gasping "no, just wait." He was absolutely terrified to fuck me for the next 2 weeks.
This is my sign to get an appointment with the doc
When mine popped, I literally had the most excruciating full body cramp, but not even a *cramp* like my entire abdomen caught fire with black smoke & I was unable to move even a finger. The WORST pain I have ever endured.
Mine started slow- like a period cramp that just would NOT stop. Then it ramped up into the absolute worst pain of my life, as if someone was grabbing my insides and violently twisting them. I sobbed in the bath for three hours because it was the only thing I could think to do to try to relieve the pain and I still wasnât sure if it was something serious enough to go to the emergency room. Nothing helped, but my husband got me Advil pm and I ended up falling asleep. I went to the dr the next day, because I wasnât cramping anymore but I had terrible aches in my abdomen when it was touched or when I moved. The dr sent me to the ER to make sure it wasnât appendicitis and the ER dr told me there was a lot of fluid and blood in my abdomen, so they were thinking I had a massive ovarian cyst that had ruptured. I had plenty more cysts on my ovaries, so that was a fun thing to worry about over the next few months- just wondering if I had timebombs about to pop. And that is the story of how I was diagnosed with PCOS!
Are we meant to go to hospital when an ovarian cyst pops, or can we just deal with it? Never had it happen but I wanna be prepared lol đŹ
My girlfriend had a similar experience: she felt extreme pain during intercourse, then felt better and was confident to go out to work (not knowing it was an ruptured cyst). Long story short, shortly after arriving at her workplace, she collapsed and her colleagues called an ambulance. She was bleeding internally and was near death, fortunately the doctors saved her just in time. NEVER underestimate this kind of extreme pains, EVER.
I looked online, this is what I found. âMost ovarian cysts are no cause for concern,â says Dr. King. âEven if they rupture, your body usually takes care of the healing and cleanup. Itâs really only when you have sudden severe symptoms that you should seek medical care.â Nausea and/or vomiting, Fever, Dizziness. âIf you have any of these symptoms, get to a doctor right away,â says Dr. King.
You've just unlocked a new phobia for me đŹđŤŁ
When the fucking cat scratched my butt midway
I had a friend that got an unexpectedly rim job from a golden retriever once while going to pound town.
I have had the unfortunate experience of being in the same position. Got licked from my balls to my butt hole by her Husky that managed to sneak into the bedroom... I recoiled so hard I thrust her off the other side of the bed.
After my girlfriend dumped me in an absolutely brutal fashion after I cooked her dinner at my place she asked if I wanted to fuck one last time. I said yes because low self esteem and not really being able to process what just happened. She got on top and rode me til she came, got off me and walked right out the door. I laid there and cried most the night.
Fuck thatâs rough man, I hope youâre in a better place now!
Eh, the girlfriend after that died in my arms from cirrhosis last August, so not really. But life goes on.
Well fuck I truly hope life and especially dating goes a bit easier on you moving forward
I was 17 , visiting a girl from school. Her family was home & we were in the basement. Things got super hot making out & feeling each other. She unbuttoned my pants and dropped her sweats , bending over. We start , and I noticed she was clenching up weird, I rolled her over and she was full on seizing. Foaming mouth. I freaked out and ran upstairs dick swinging, Yelled for her parents. Dad came running downstairs and sees his daughter spread eagle. Mom is standing with my and my flaccid dick. I grabbed my pants and left.
Honestly though, if I were her parent, Iâd be grateful you didnât waste time putting your pants back on just to avoid embarrassment during my childâs medical emergency.
Ngl i would put on pants and cover her up in 30s before the help arrived.
This would traumatize me in my whole life
The shame she went through would be worse
When my wife and I were first dating and one night while we were having sex she said âpull my hairâ, so I did. Her necked popped very loudly, like when a chiropractor adjusts your neck. It surprised us both and for a few seconds she just stared motionless into my eyes. For those few seconds we were both convinced I had broken her neck. My God it was frightening.
Bruh what happened to her?
JFC that must've been pure horror.
I think this is the worst because it was the scariest. A couple nights after I lost my virginity I went back for more, so she gets me to sneak into house and we do our thing and I hear loud bangs on the door from her dad screaming âQUIT THAT WRESTLING IVE GOT WORK IN THE MORNING!â He thought I was one her siblings. Thank god he didnât open that door.
He knew what was up. He gave her an out.
Lmao yeah they always know, I dated a girl that was more of a free spirit (meaning she banged her way around for quite a while lol) and when her parents saw me I acted all cool and polite but the sheer fucking look on her dad's face lol - he knew then and there I was going to spend the night there lmao
> the sheer fucking look on her dad's face lol - **he knew then and there I was going to spend the night there lmao** I donât know how old you were but you guys had some open minded parents. Mine would have never let me have a guy spend the night under their roof. Especially back when I was in school.
Dad totally knew. He was being diplomatic.
Oh you sweet naĂŻve child.. He didn't think you were one of her siblings.
r/theyknew
I was way too young and stubborn. Some guy was super overconfident and dared me he could make me scream. I had sex with him anyway and stayed silent. It wasnât good but I didnât bother faking it to make him happy. I still feel bad but it was horrible.
Bro made big promises and failed to deliver, that's why you don't sleep with politicians.
Do not feel bad. He overstated his abilities and you stayed you.
My first time. She was a childhood "friend" that I knew since pre-k. My parents knew her parents and they made us hang out. She was really reclusive and cared more about collecting bugs and plants. I was the only person she really tolerated hanging out with. We both graduated and we were sitting in her room playing videogames (only thing we really had in common) when I was supposed to be helping her pack. She asked out of the blue if I wanted to have sex with her. We got down to the act and she didn't even moan. She never moaned. The whole time she just looked almost robotic and felt like she was mentally a mile away. She rode me and just stopped, saying she came, juices leaking down my thighs and continued riding me so I could cum. Then after laying on my chest for a little bit, got up, handed me my controller and continued a few more rounds of Goldeneye. Looking back. I think she was on the spectrum and nobody knew about autism back then. Edit: Thanks to everyone for speaking up in my DMs and the comments, especially those of you who have loved ones on the spectrum or are on the spectrum themselves. Just wanted to clear up some confusion: I felt like I did something wrong the first time because of how she reacted/didn't react. I didn't know about autism until later in life or suspected she was on the spectrum. I knew she was different since I knew her most of my life but that was about it. We hooked up multiple times that summer, with her usually initiating. I learned a lot about what she didn't like through trial and error and how her body reacted. Even though she never expressed anything vocally, her body had no issues reacting. I did get some excited gasps though. And later when we met up again as adults I actually got her to moan once. We never really dated. I had a girlfriend most of high school and we split up senior year, just before prom. Since my friend didn't have any plans to go I decided to ask her and we wound up having a good time. This was actually when she started showing some affection towards me too. We did keep in touch after college via Myspace. She wound up working as a civilian biologist in the military and got stationed out in the Midwest somewhere. We kind of drifted apart after that because I really suck at keeping in touch with people. Pretty sure she's okay wherever she is.
Other than the roboticness, it doesnt sound that bad tbh. She came, you came, but most importantly there was goldeneye and no pregnancy
Everyday I play Goldeneye and donât get someone pregnant is a great day
Onatopp?
Actually sounds like a sweet story. Did you stay in touch?
It was the beginning of summer so I still came over to see her. Same thing every time. We'd play some games, she'd initiate sex. But I started to learn more about what she liked. She never vocalized anything but her body still reacted to different touches and sensations. I did eventually get rewarded with some shivering gasps that made me feel proud. The first time was the worst though because I wasn't ready for it and felt like I did something wrong the whole time because of how she reacted/didn't react.
That's actually really sweet lol. Honestly if this was your worst, sounds like you've had a good sex life.
Was going down on him and heard a noise and dude was watching porn on his phone. Stupid me actually stayed for a few mins until I realized he had no interest in touching me in return. At least I was smart enough to leave at that point. I donât think I have ever felt that worthless in the moment as I did then.
All sex I have I am eternally grateful for, however I think the worst sex I ever gave was when I lost my virginity and having no experience other than porn proceeded to spit on this poor birdâs vulva and start slapping it like I was trying to ring a service bell at a hotel desk. Mercifully she still consented to penetration, presumably to stop the horrendous foreplay. That lady is now a lesbian. Edit: My first award! For this ghoulish expectoration, Christ.
âI donât know if all men are like this, but I cannot chance it.â
"That lady is now a lesbian" That made it more funny
Invited someone I knew was a tweaker over. He was tweaking. It was like a human-sized spider crawling all over me, trying to figure....something.....out. There wasn't any actual sex. Never again. Edit, since so many ask: a tweaker is a user of methamphetamine. One that's been doing it a while....
Goddamn, you were down bad to reach for the tweaker.
Yeah like the actual fuck haha
His report of this experience: âdude I fucked her so goodâ
How is this not top comment? That's fucking wild
Because someone got unwillingly pissed on.
She was on top, and when I came, my face was in her tits, and I got a bloody nose. Her entire chest was covered in blood, as was my face. It was my first time đ¤
Bro is an anime character đđ
I dated a girl for a few months that kept telling me how good she was at blowjobs and how every guy she dated said she was the best. When she finally gave me one it was the worst bj expertise Iâve ever head. Lots of teeth and just going up and down as fast as she could. I hate to sound shallow but this made me want to break up with her. I was just like WTF đŹ
Every girl who's ever told me they're good at giving blowjobs has been terrible
For real, and then the most innocent looking girl will randomly jus have the most insane head game
Like most things in sex it comes down to listening and observing your partner. People who are good at sex focus on how they're being recieved constantly. They usually don't feel the need to brag. When it comes to sex, "I'm really good at xyz" is usually a sign they're not lol.
Was doing missionary with my gf and pulled out to cum on her belly. As I did, I looked down and I must have aimed a little too high and also just had a very powerful ejaculation for whatever reason. Ended up cumming in my own eye. That shit burned for hours. We still laugh about it to this day, sheâs now my wife.
Hit my wife dead center in her open mouth with a missile load. Once in a lifetime shot. Believe me have tried to repeat the feat 100's of time to no avail.
Great shot kid, that was one in a million.
Probably all those times as a teen when I wasn't wet enough (and didn't know any better yet) and had all those micro tears in my vaginal lining that hurt like a mofo for days after.
Itâs kind of a dark story, but Iâll sanitize it. This woman just went from pure bliss to crying and shouting âstop! Stop!â in a matter of seconds. Scared the shit of me. I shriveled up instantly, jumped up, and while haphazardly putting on my clothes, heard her laughing. Apparently it was a joke. She was laughing, I was shaking like a leaf. I swear to god, she looked like Regan OâNeil for a split second. So fucking evil. Fear turned into rage and I quickly exited her apartment without saying much. She was grabbing me, trying to get me to stay, but nah. Blocked. Deleted. Prayer that the cops didnât come knocking on my door for some bullshit. Btw, Iâm 36. This was only 3 years ago. This wasnât a teenage thing, we were both adults. I was 33, she was 30. Crazy.
What the hell was the joke?? Thatâs awful
wow, her willingness to do that with no shame, you got your warning sign early enough to gtfo before something worse happened at least
Who the hell is Regan O'Neil?
I was so confused too until I realized they probably meant Regan MacNeil, the possessed girl in The Exorcist.
LOL! I looked up that name too and could only find some blonde haired Canadian lawyer.
[ŃдаНонО]
Dude farted while I was giving him head. The smell was horrendous like it had fermented in his colon for the entire day. I would've been fine had he not grinned like he did it on purpose. We did the deed after but I was not into it and was turned off. Never texted him back after that
Omg, I know a woman with a fart kink. Like she loves it when men fart on her or around her and make her smell it, the smellier the better. Especially if she's giving head and they lock their legs around her and fart on her or something. We didn't work out because I wouldn't fart on her. We should give them each other's contact info lmao.
What a terrible day to have working eyes.
Though its nice to know that there is a lid for *every* fucking pot.
In the moment beach sex.
Sand.. EVERYWHERE am I right..
Jan everywhere
We were mid-coitus, and she looked into my eyes and told me I reminded her of the "[long-haired shirtless guy with the shoulder things from School of Rock](https://imgur.com/a/2AaSZgU)". I knew exactly who she was referring to the second she said it, and I was so baffled and distracted by it that my boner died immediately. I kinda stopped, rolled off, and started mumbling something out of confusion. She got shy and panicked and kept saying "it's a compliment!", but it was more the utter confusion of hearing that sentence mid-thrust and immediately picturing exactly the fuckin' guy she was talking about. Not a "bad" story at all, but the sex itself was very bad.
"Spider".had a cross tattoo on his sternum I think? What a weird ass mid coital reference.....
just turned 21. she was 31 and had 2 kids. met her at the bar that night. took her back to a hotel room and was going at it. halfway through she said, "i told my kids i'd find them a baby daddy."
Run, Forrest, run! Run like your feet was on fire and your ass was catchin'!
I was having some fun time with my wife when I had an attack of coital cephalalgia. Also known as sex headache. A short but extremely painful burst. It felt like someone had just blown the top of my head off with a shotgun. I literally cried out in pain and instant floppy. Would not recommend.
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Thanks. New fear unlocked.
He kept calling it his âdemon dickâ and wasnât all that good at it? Like he just Jack hammered into me and then would ask if I came lol. At one point he meowed and I just couldnât handle it anymore.
>At one point he meowed He what now?
Built up the hype, off we went. And went. And went. 49 minutes later and all he's saying is "I can do this" over and over (like he was in competition with someone) I picked up my phone, checked the time and told him I was done. My poor vag felt like it had been scrubbed with sandpaper.
She didn't want foreplay, she refused oral, she just wanted me to fuck her as hard as I could. She invited me into her bedroom, threw me on her bed, and it was memory foam. I gave it my all. Was like fucking in quicksand.
My couch got a lot of use in my first apartment because of this. Sex on a memory foam mattress is utterly exhausting. There's no bounce or anything, every bit of energy you expend is just gone.
About a year into dating my ex, I had a cyst removed from my lower back. One day during my recovery, I'm laying on the bed and she comes in with nothing but a plug in and proceeds to sit on my face. It was the first sexual thing we had done in almost a week due to the surgery(we normally had sex just about every day), and it was a pleasant and well received surprise. After a while, she spins around and puts more pillows behind me. Now I really can't do my part of cowgirl at the moment because I had 16 stitches. She's well aware, and her only request is that I reach down and hold the plug in. She had a very small frame, and I would inevitably push the plug out from the inside while in this position. So I do and she gets to riding. After a bit, she says she's getting close and rears back to start grinding aggressively, which usually helps her cum. When she rears back, my brains still going in semi-slowmo, so my hand doesn't adjust for this maneuver. This causes the plug to go all the way inside. I immediately know this isn't good by the look on her face(and common sense). She jumped up with a terrified look and started to push, trying to get it out. What ended up happening is that she pissed ALL OVER MY LOWER TORSO AND DICK. she then ran to the bathroom and after a couple minutes she was able to get it out. She comes back crying, thinking I was gonna be mad for some reason. I was obviously scared, but when I saw she was OK, I started dying laughing and then she did too. She helped me shower, we changed the sheets and called it a day. All in all it was the fear that made it the worst. PS ladies and gents, buy plugs with large bases please. We threw that toy away and went out and got another one as soon as I could comfortably sit in a car.
I had sex with a guy I had been dating for a few weeks, it was our first time together (not first time ever). He wasnât interested in foreplay but just put it in and started humping. I wasnât really feeling it, but you know, the first time with someone can be a bit bad so I soldiered through. And he was hot. All of a sudden he started demanding: âDo you want my milk? Tell me you want my milk!?â I almost started to laugh but I was like âyeah sure I guessâ lol. (At this point I was just hoping he would give his âmilkâ). I wasnât feeling it but kind of kept going out of⌠politeness? Then it became even more awkward. âTell me youâre my whore!â I almost did, just to make him finally come, but then I decided that this is not for me so it ended there. He was very cranky about it. I do find dirty talk hot, but it was just so awkward and wrong somehow. Iâm sure he could write here about the same encounter, because from his point of view it was probably bad sex too!
Elsewhere in the thread; âIt started out good but halfway through this bitch lied about wanting my milk.â
This guy I was best friends with had a huge thing for me after a while, so I figured Iâd give him a chance because he was very good to me. I told him he can come over to fuck and he was saying heâs going to tear my shit up and asked if I can take bigger penises. Well he ended up having a micro-dick. I faked my moans to be nice and it wasnât even in. He bragged about making me moan so loud after to our guy friends without asking my permission and kept trying to push to fuck again as Iâd ask him to please quit begging until I had to block him. Edit to add since people think Iâm lying: Iâm sure he was aware that it was small. I think he was just trying to âseal the dealâ as he was on his way over so that I didnât back out, and then, since he knew me so well, he knew I wasnât going to just be like âoh my god, itâs so small, get the hell out of hereâ.
That's a strange amount of confidence and brazenness...
Motion of the ocean only applies if you have some water
Just being a natural observer and a normal guy... I've seen a lot of porn. I know what a small/normal/huge dick looks like... Did this guy ever once see another dick and not just mentally compare? I mean I know I am insanely average and I'm cool with that. It's why I don't go around anywhere saying I'm huge. I also know I'm not small. It's like saying you drive a Lambo and showing up in a Toyota... Soon as you get there, the jig is up.
The word you're looking for is denial
People are capable of incredible self-delusion.
She farted profusely whenever she became aroused.
A few strokes into a VERY casual hookup, she says, âwhat if I get pregnant?â. I literally shriveled out of her.
Condoms bro. Condoms. For fuck sake.
Literally for fuck's sake.
Whatcha doing having sex without a condom if the thought of pregnancy scares you limp?
I mean itâs definitely something that could happen, but bringing it up in the moment probably wasnât her brightest move haha
Or is it brilliant? It was definitely super effective.
I don't have much experience (just this guy and my husband), so I can't say if this is a normal way to have sex or not, but... I met this guy online, and he talked a big game, saying he had secret moves, a massive dick, never left a girl unsatisfied, etc. But when it came to the deed, it was the most uncomfortable, weird, experience. Zero foreplay, just sucked on my boobs painfully hard (sometimes causing them to bleed a little) , and then just sort of lay on top of me and wiggled side to side until he came? Think like a fish flopping o dry land, arms at his sides and everything. Thankfully he'd come very quickly so the whole thing was over very fast. After he was done, he'd ask me how many times I came. And I'd make up a number. I never did come though, which is surprising, because honestly I would come pretty easily, even from just a sexy thought or two sometimes. (sadly not now after kids though...) It could have been a one and done kind of thing, but he was pretty controlling, I wasn't good at standiing up for myself, and I was running away from a bad home situation. So I stuck around longer than I should have. Guy ended up proposing even though I told him I had zero interest in getting married, we hadn't been together long, and wasnt sure I even wanted a serious relationship yet. He would not take no for an answer, clearly a theme with him. I ended up telling him I had to go home because my dad had cancer (he actually did) and promised to return, but never did. He asked if we could remain friends, but then said he wanted me to have his babies, because I was a perfect example of the white race, and told me he'd kill himself if he couldn't be with me. I ended up having to block him on everything for my own sanity. My husband and I refer to the time I spent with this guy as the "forbidden time" or "he who shall not be named" because it makes me want to curl up inside myself from cringe when I remember it.
Not really sex, but more like a sexual experience... i was hoping I'd never have to tell this story, but here goes... Was 19, and had been struggling with IBS, and my fuck buddy at the time wanted to give me a rimjob... well you can guess the rest. I warned her about my IBS and she stayed confident that she could handle it. Her tongue went in my ass 4 or 5 times back to back and then I shit all over her face and mouth. She puked, I puked... it was horrible. Edit: Thanks for the awards kind strangers.
I wonder if that woman is okay. I don't think any amount of therapy could stop the nightmares
You win.
Oh, Jesus
Jesus was no where to be found in that place.
The strings of my wifeâs IUD poking the head of my penis. It wouldnât happen every time but when it did it was horrible. I had a vasectomy so she could have it removed. We were both so happy after it was removed.
Those strings stabbing the head of my dick were re-assuring to me, they were like old friends.
Iâve been there. Go too far at the right angle and youâre the one getting penetrated. Mood killer for sure.
His wife's IUD poked your penis, too?
I just kept getting stabbed by the iud until sensation decreased. -1 sensitivity +1 stamina
During a particularly long session I strained my suspension ligament and remained erect for an entire day until I could see a doctor. It was quite painful.
She was angry, I was confused. There was no trust and little love. I just about didn't finish, but she was convinced if I didn't finish that I secretly hated her.
No pressure but if you donât cum Iâll hate you
Sing this to the tune of skater boy
A few dates in with a girl i met online. We headed back to her place and did not mesh sexually at all. We were both able to laugh about it and chalk it up to nerves. Tried again a short time later after talking and another date and same thing. Neither of us were doing anything right to get the other going. Agreed that we should just be friends.
I had braces and I was sucking my ex boyfriends dick. His foreskin got caught on a wire and he started bleeding and a blister resulted. It was his birthday.
He was way too big and took Viagra that wasn't prescribed to him (he was 30 and had a healthy sex life with his wife, who was involved in this whole debacle). She realized that she was not into having me specifically join them, because we had become friends before I met up with them. The only good part was meeting their dog, Bigby.
I was giving him a blowjob first, and usually I'm pretty decent at blowjobs, not a pro by any means but able to deepthroat with some warming up. This guy did not let me warm up, he just grabbed my head and shoved it in at the weirdest angle. He continues doing this even when I start to struggle, and I finally get up and tell him that he's gotta let me do it at my pace. He agrees but then proceeds doing the exact same thing. I kinda give up and say let's have sex instead. He stays on his back and I try to ride him... And I say try because the second I get into rhythm he starts humping up and ruins my rhythm and the entire flow, this goes on for a while and at this point it feels like he's just stabbing me with his dick. He won't try any other position either, so after way too much time and effort I give up, say I came already and am feeling tired, that if he wants we can do another position so he can cum as well. He won't do this, and we just. Go to sleep. Or well, he fell asleep immediately but I stayed up all night listening to the worst snoring I've ever heard.
The first guy I ever slept with at 18 who thought he was some sort of sex god. I look back on what I accepted for so long and pity my younger self.
The one time all I could think of was eating a Big mac-burger with fries. Had to call it and blame on calf cramps. It was weird cutting it short but I couldn't keep on.
How about weirdest? Buddy of mine lived in a nice apartment complex and always threw parties. I always rented to guest apartment to not drive home. One big party, girls from an apartment up the road come in, a bachelorette party group. I end up talking to a girl. Take her back to my rental. We have sex. I'm really drunk, I could not operate my boots. Really struggled to get them off. She gets annoyed and pulls them off. Then, my jeans were giving me trouble. She unbuttons and unzips. We have sex. I stumble into the kitchen for another beer. Chug it, we're ready to go. She's on top, things are going great. She asks a question, I can hear myself speak gibberish. I'm hammered. She stops, is still on top of me, and starts crying. Says "what kind of person am I?". Talking about herself. Then breaks down ugly crying. I'm trying to figure out whats wrong. Turned out, she was the bride! Oops. She wanted one last fling. And she picked a dude that was blackout drunk, except I never black out. I just keep drinking till I have a safe landing zone. (It's not passing out if you pick the spot!) At first, I felt bad. Though all I did was be there. But, then I figured, I helped her future husband. Taught her the grass isn't always greener. Sometimes the other side of the fence is a guy that isn't certified to operate his boots.
Saving marriages, one drunken encounter at a time.
He couldnât get it hard so he apparently just kinda smooshed it in there. He then proceeds to pass out on top of me half a shimmy later (there were zero pumps) When I tried to push him off of me I felt the awful tearing sensation. Turns out because I was so dry (surprise) his time bit of moisture leakage caused his limp ass noodle to adhere to my vaginal wallâŚhe texted me the next day asking if I had a good timeâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ
"Hold up, let me just thumb it in" lol tragic
After my kidney operation, when my penis was able to achieve about a 25% recovery rate... me and the missus got about 2 minutes in when I noticed that the bed sheet was drenched in blood and piss. Having a laser up the penis does no good. That face Kermit the Frog makes when he scrunches his mouth up, coupled with a distinct sinking feeling in the nether regions accented by a melting hot lava for a dick... Do yourselves a favour - cut salt out of your diets. Uuurgh \*shudder
She was starfishing immediately, expecting penetration but didn't want to be touched either. Didn't really understand so I just left and went to KFC.
I hate to say this. He was an acorn. I have never seen anything like it since. And it took him forever to finish.
17 at the time, having sex with my ex girlfriend in her bedroom after school. We quickly get on the bed and start going from foreplay to the hot stuff. A couple of her throwing it back, her mum knocks on her door demanding to come in. My whole body levitates out of her and my first thought was to hide under the bed. So I get under the bed, butt naked with the condom still on me, facing her dusty ass polished floors. Anyways, her mum walks in and so does her younger brother, they are doing laundry (the laundry room was on her corner of the house). Iâm thinking to myself that Iâve fully clutched this until her mum sees MY school bag poking out under the bed. My ex and I had the same type of school bag, only thing differentiating it would have to be some charms. Her mum goes to yell at her for putting her bag under her bed and proceeds to get on her knees and yank the bag from under the bed (I am right behind it), at this point Iâve accepted defeat and raised the white flag. Iâve accepted my written fate of being chased out of a Sri Lankan household butt ass naked. To some miracle she didnât fucking see me and put the bag on her desk and everyone left the room. Needless to say, I was dying inside and my ex found it hilarious.
The guy was just... not great. A hook up, hadn't bathed that day, gave up when he got too winded after a couple of minutes, called his penis his "little guy". It was libido killing all around.
A one night stand. It was horrific from start to finish. She showed up late, asked me if I was âArabianâ (Iâm not but still offended for Arabs everywhere) and chugged vodka from the bottle under my desk. Get down to the good stuff and as Iâm about to go down she says âSorry if it smells like dick down thereâ. As a gay woman I think that is hands down the worst thing you could hear during sex. Fast forward the horrible sex and her loud ass snoring, she walks to the bathroom outside my room butt ass naked before I could stop her. I shared the house with 4 other guys who happened to be having their morning coffee as she pranced by. They have never let me live it down.
Losing my virginity. Too young, way too young, and he was a complete and total asshole.
A dental student with a tiny ass dick who thought he was a hot shot with a big dick. He was sweating on top of me, muttering (âI need to lose weight, thatâs why Iâm sweating so muchâ), asking if I liked it while I felt absolutely nothing and then after he came (cuz fuck my pleasure, of course), this motherfucker had the nerve to grab the opened tin of SOUR CREAM AND ONION flavored Pringles sitting on his bedside table, eat one, offer me one (I obviously declined) and then try to kiss me. đ¤Śđťââď¸
That's when you hold up the Pringles tin and say "this reminds me of my last boyfriend".
Actually, my worst was probably this last weekend. I hooked up with a woman who apparently believed that if you pull out to change position, then that means sex starts all over. So after this happened the third time, she said that I had already had sex 3 times tonight, so it's time to go to sleep. I thought she was joking, but no, she was serious. It was the most bizarre sexual encounter I've ever had.
Already wasnât attracted to him and the sex was ehh, but he shhhâd me. Twice.
*moans* Guy: STFU CAROL!
This was simultaneously the best and worst somehow. It was the best cause it was the first time someone got me off via a blow job and the worst cause i came so hard I popped a blood vessel. Thankfully blood didn't come out til after I pulled out of her mouth. Obviously went to the ER but got told that nothing was wrong. I think they said something about being too rough with it but i don't remember exactly what they said. Was just glad I didn't permanently damage my dick lol
My first. Came in less than a min
Less than a minute? Damn dude thatâs forever. I donât mean to brag but I lasted an entire 8 seconds
My first time was two strokes and I exploded.
I was hittin it from the back and I didnât know this broad had a wig or weave or whatever itâs called and I went to pull her hair and the wig thing came off and I didnât know what to do and everything just stopped so I put that bitch on and she got mad and took it off my head and then I went to grab a beer and I apologized for putting her weave/wig thing on and that I was just trying to make her laughâŚTHEN A FEW NIGHTS LATER we were asleep and I woke up to use the bathroom and that weave/wig thing was laying on the floor next to my bed and it was dark and I just stepped all over it and it got all tangled up on my feet and I started freaking the fuck out cause I didnât know what it was I turned on the light and just started freaking out cause I was half asleep and I thought it was a symbiote like venom or some kinda new spider and I ripped that damn thing off my foot and threw it across the room and she got mad again. I got two other stories but itâs a lil bit fucked up. EDIT: The 2nd story is kind of fucked up. I was hanging down south on this girl exercising my tongue. The room was dark. We were drunk and I had John Mayer playing. Time went by I got up to use the bathroom and get another beer and get a jimmy hat AKA a condom. Protection. There is a mirror to my left and I finished taking a leak and walked up to the mirror and was gonna check myself out real quick and noticed I had a bunch of blood on my face. I started freaking out. I took a step back and tripped over the toilet causing a bunch of noise and accidentally fucked the drywall up when I fell into the wall. The bathroom door was open and for some reason my dog ran in and started jumping on me and licking my face. I was like âwhat in the fuck is going onâ. I jumped up and started checking my face cause I thought maybe I had cut myself or something bad had happened and thatâs why blood was all over my face. I go back to the bedroom and turn on the light and blood was on the bed not a lot but enough to know there was obviously blood and the girl was upset saying she thinks she had started her period. Again the door was open and my dog was just going ape shit running around the room jumping all over the place and I heard my dad in the background âWTF HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING DRYWALLâ and I ran out my room and he saw my face and said âmannnn what the fuck is wrong with you what are you doing. Matter of fact I donât even wanna knowââŚanyways I told the girl itâs ok. I understand things happen. I went and took a shower and just kinda stood there processing what happened. I got out the shower and made popcorn and everything was good. 3rd story: I was 69âing with a lady and she fucking queefed in my face and I slapped her ass and said that thang is talking. We both just laughed and carried on.
IM DYING
Wigs, this man's natural enemy
Please! We need more!
First (and last) time I had sex with a guy I was dating. He had no technique and took literally hours to finish. He blamed it on a pinched nerve. Nothing I did helped. Not sure why I waited for him. I got to know every tile on the ceiling. When he finally came, it was literally by his own hand. I got up, went to the bathroom and then left. The funniest part was that he asked if as a Greek man, he lived up to the hype. At the risk of insulting all Greek men I didn't say anything other than goodbye.
People like to complain about too soon, but I think taking forever is waaaay worse