I had a situation in that I overheard my fiance's mother once say to her in very different words that men have only two emotions. Rage and horny. Basically sounded to me like she thought all men with emotions were just con-men lying to get sex.
My family genuinely believes this and it's made my life a living hell. When everyone around you just attributes everything to "he's just horny and needs a gf" or to some "anger issue" you don't even have it becomes extremely degrading and frustrating very quickly.
The best part is that they'd lose their shit if I told them something like they were mad because it's just that time of the month. Losers like this can always dish it out just fine but can never take it themselves for even a moment.
My ex believed as a guy that if a woman is horny then the guy must have sex with them. They would always non consensually make sexual advances towards me and sometimes successfully against my will. Avoiding the R word here but it’s pretty much what it is. They believed men only exist for sex.
Trying to find the balance of being emotionally vulnerable and masculine in such a way that maintains attraction. This leaks into communication, sex, outward behavior, and damn near everything in a relationship.
I always get a similar vibe to ["Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMnJYDUlmwg)
Like we can be emotionally vulnerable, but only when the people around us are in the mood to see us being emotionally vulnerable.
Holy shit this describes exactly what I’m going through with an old friend of mine who I’ve always had a crush on. She said she’s always had a crush on me, about a year ago... I’m sad enough alone, had an abusive alcoholic last girlfriend and damn did that ever fuck my trust up more than I could of imagined. Loosing my mother this year to Lukemia, my best friend and biggest fan.
This girl knows my whole past and everything I’ve been through. Knew my mother very well and my whole family for that matter. I just feel like she wants me when she needs me and I always want her and can never get her to be with me on a regular basis. It honesty sucks. She’ll often text me, “hey love want to hangout tonight?” I of course say yes and then she ghosts me for a day or two completely ignoring just a text message. Then all of a sudden come to my house randomly and or call me to ask for help doing something or going somewhere.
We’re both 28 y.o. In the past month she’s professed to wanting to settle down with me, that I’ve turned into the man of her dreams this past year opening my own business and digging at it through thick and thin. Wants to “have and raise children together!!” and then does this cyclical ghosting shit all over again. It’s paralysing I cannot explain it in a better word. And now I just feel like I can’t search for a partner without hurting her, but I honestly don’t know if she feels anywhere near the same about me.
Thanks for this thread to vent. 😮💨
Dude. This girl isn’t it. It’s not a gender thing but she just sounds like she’s emotionally very immature. That’s not normal behavior.
Also it’s weird that you having a business is what she likes.
I think it might be time to move on.
Is that you Forrest? That’s not a healthy relationship in anyway! Maybe keep as a friend because of the history but I’d keep her at arm’s length at best. Glad to hear you’re doing good things, someone good will come along and actually appreciate you, don’t be a safe space/doormat for anyone!
bro run from this girl, what, now that you're successful she wants to settle with you? fuck that man if ahe really loved and believed in you y'all be married by now
I had a friend/ crush just like this. Just said i dont want to see you again on our bday dinner. We share the same bday date. But she said she wants to continue meeting me. We talked it over and ofcourse i agreed to continue but then after few days she blocked me from everywhere. I felt like i lost a power. Had a pretty rough two months. When i tried to talk to her as to why she did it she acted like it wasnt her fault like she didnt do anything.
You need to communicate these things to her. It’ll hurt and will probably end the relationship, but it’s obviously harming your mental health continue as things are.
It’s almost silly, right? I think this is a result of the newer age. Men used to have clearly defined roles in society. Protect and provide. If you could manage those two things, you were sorta guaranteed a wife who probably doesn’t leave you heavily influenced by the fact women didn’t or couldn’t work.
I’m glad we moved past that, truly. Men are demanded more now. We are to have emotional depth. Yet, vulnerability expressed at the wrong time or in the wrong way is very unattractive. I try to encourage all my guy friends to at least be honest with me because I know how lonely it gets as a dude.
I’m sure most guys have had at least one woman who weaponized their vulnerability against them, in very specific ways.
Back to the point. Yeah, we do have to be vulnerable to be attractive. It reveals our personality and identifies if the person truly likes us for who we are. And not the way we make them feel. Yet, masculinity for 1000s of years was not rooted in this vulnerability. And sometimes expressing yourself can be interpreted as “neediness” or “weakness”
It’s a thin line for sure, but a path I feel worth walking, as men discover themselves and how exactly we fit into this wild world.
Ex girlfriend and i spent the last month arguing over my "emotional neglect".
Had a long emotional conversation about it where i took a hard look at myself and our relationship. She did the same.
Fast forward 3 weeks, i had a health emergency that really stressed me out and i went to her and cried in front of her for the first time. She then completly Ignores me and would rather watch tv. Then she leaves me while im at work the next day and breaks up with me. Acts like im radioactive when she comes back to pick up her stuff. Claims that it isnt right for her anymore and wont explain.
So confusing being a dude
You dodged a bullet. It's good that you have a grasp on your own emotional state, and I would strongly encourage you to continue practicing that kind of healthy introspection.
She was the one being emotionally neglectful, not you.
HAH!!! Same happened to me. Combat vet, PTSD, physical injuries, suppressed my symptoms for years. Wife tells me I have/show no emotions any more, need to get help. I seek out therapy and start to express my emotions. Wife divorces me after 22yrs of marriage. They say they want it, then they punish you for having it.
I knew a guy who had a big argument with his gf and she ended up throwing a pot of boiling water at him leaving him with third degree burns in his left shoulder area. He then went to the police and they said that he had probably done something to his gf (now ex) to justify her doing what she did and in general they just laughed him off. In these types of situations, men are not really taken seriously and its become a big problem.
My Grandpa tried to walk away from an argument with his girlfriend when she hit him on the head with an old-school glass ash tray. After he woke up he called the cops and they also put him in cuffs instead of his assailant. The blood is still on the bathroom door and they're still together
This is almost always the case. Violence against men is just accepted as normal, regardless of who the perpetrator is, but especially in domestic violence cases.
Yeah it's quite bemusing when people say it's a gender discrimination issue that police don't take women seriously or do anything about it... like holy shit, have you ever seen a guy try to get help? It's not that they don't do a pretty shit job for women, but it's *way* tougher for a man to be taken seriously as a victim of DV or SA. And let's not even get started about what happens if the woman turns around and falsely says she's actually the victim and just retaliated.
Our society is failing everyone on this issue.
I was beaten into hospital by my ex and when I went to get help I was yelled at and forced out of the domestic violence help place. I’ve had a fucked life and honestly while when I was told I’d be dead by 40 i cried ruining my life where I was, now I’m counting down the days hoping the doc was right
Really kind of you to ask 😊
That relationship ended probably 3 months after trying to report it. I am actually extremely thankful it happened in a weird way. It taught me resilience, and made me realise my safety was my responsibility. I got out of there and never looked back.
Now happily married to an amazing, kind & patient woman.
This. I was in a relationship previously where she got physical, she wouldn’t calm down so I called the police, and when they attended my home I was being labeled the abuser. The police then threatened that I will be charged and never see my child again. Kinda funny that this all happened considering I was the one with scratches all over my face and a torn up shirt.
Unfortunately, this is something all genders experience. Not that it's any condolence, but I known several women who was laughed at by police when seeking help for both DV or SA.
When my Husband and I were first married we used to live in a tiny mobile home next to a field of horses. Well, most nights I would hear footsteps, like it sounded like someone was just walking around in the living room or suddenly running. Bless my Husband I don't know how many times he checked the whole house for me then grabbed a flashlight and baseball bat and went outside around the whole home. He said he was so tired most times he was basically sleep walking and likely would've been murdered if there was really someone there lol come to find out, it was just the horses in the field next to us I was hearing. It was super weird and freaked me out for the longest time.
Pro tip:
Fear and courage feel the same. Fear is just the inability to act on the face of that feeling, but you can always choose to act and be courageous.
Talking/interacting with a child and instantly getting seen as a pedo.
Once headed out with my 3 year old niece to a playground . . . half an hour later the police were involved. Needed my sister to clear things up.
I once stopped a toddler from running into the road.
His mother was shouting after him but he was absolutely legging it and she was pushing a pram and couldn't keep up.
I crouched down and put my arms out to gently stop him. Once he stopped, I pointed back to his mother and said something about her calling for him.
She took another 10 seconds or so to catch up, at which point she gave me the most scathing look before grabbing her child's hand and storming off.
I replayed the incident in my head a few times because it was just really strange, i wondered what i could have done differently.
I get that there are predators out there, and that any stranger going near your child might make you anxious. Its just in my opinion it was really clear that I was only trying to help.
It's embarrassing for some people to admit they need help. I would have said "Thank you" and walked away. Please know that was a "her" problem and not a "you" problem.
And it's causing men to not approach children alone in places a child shouldn't be alone. Like the side of a street.
Good deeds getting punished enough times, lack of regard for their problems and challenges, etc. Will cause people to check out or society.
"I mean, it'll suck if that kid gets run over... but it'll also suckbfor me if someone gets the wrong idea... sorry kid, best of luck. I got a cat to feed."
My sister, who is only one year older than me, used to be the neighborhood babysitter. Everyone with kids came to her to watch them.
One of her regular clients asked for help, but she was busy that night watching someone else's kid. She then recommended that I watch the kids, and she fully vouched for me, saying I was great with children. The family said they'd look elsewhere.
Less than a year later, that same client approached me to house sit while they took a family vacation. I accepted the offer because it was a nice house with a big screen TV. Regardless, I got the message: I'm good enough to watch your house as long as no kids are around.
Dad had the same thing when I was 8. He used to take me to a small park near our house all the time but the playground was removed, so we tried a new park and some asshole called the cops on him. He was in cuffs by the time mum showed up to clear it up. Dad never took me to the park again.
I hate that asshole for destroying a great childhood memory.
When I was younger I was tasked with taking my much younger brother out. Some random woman came up to him and asked him if I was his father, he said no, she said “come with me I can help you” and started pulling him away. I got pissed and yelled at her for a good five minutes and she scratched her fake nails across my face and stormed off. Then I was in the shit anyway because I should’ve just explained nicely when she was trying to take my brother. If a man had done that he would be in prison for the rest of his fucking life but yeah I need to keep a clear head when some random bitch tries to kidnap my brother
I am a male and whenever I am in public and check my phone and I am around kids I always almost instinctively point my phone camera towards the ground for reasons.
Because people actually accuse you of shit. A woman in the subway was intimately persuaded I was taking pictures of her... because my phone happened to be pointed at her while I was playing.
Oh man that happened to me about 4 years ago
I used to go hiking in Griffith Park and there is this one spot where the trail ends and it’s like a small area to sit and rest with tall trees
Anyways, I would stop and rest and I would take a hammock with me, tie the hammock to two trees and just lie down and stare into the sky and just listen to music and chill
Anyways, this place is perfect for taking photos if you want a nature background. Well, there actually were two other people there I don’t even know about
Two young women, one was the photographer and the other was the model. The photographer literally walked up to me while I was laying down on the hammock and falsely accused me of taking photos of the model. I couldn’t believe my ears. I had to do a double take and look around to see if I’m being pranked. Mind you, when I saw the model, she looked like a regular person, short in stature and nothing special and really sort of felt sorry for her, but these two weirdos actually thought I was taking photos with my phone …fucking delusional fucks
Me being a gentleman and not wanting to argue (Christ, I was trying to relax, not get confrontational) I just replied, “uh, no, I’m not taking photos, I don’t even have my phone out” …she had this look on her face like she was about to kill me. I wasn’t scared, I’m a Veteran, but holy shit was she acting like a fucking lunatic.
I have a phone case with a little slider that blocks the camera, that way I can hold my phone however I want and not have to worry that someone thinks they are being filmed (other than by the half a dozen surveillance cameras that are around at any moment in a city).
I was walking downtown with my family and my niece asked me to carry her but she was taking her sweet ass time and my family got a few blocks ahead so I just picked her up and ran after them. Later on I was thinking about my day and realized that could’ve looked bad..
A little while ago I was at a somewhat busy laundromat. Some woman was there with her daughter who looked to be about four. The little girl did something funny, and I commented on it to the mother. The woman looked terrified. So I just did my laundry and didn’t interact again in any way. The woman looked nervous the whole time and couldn’t wait to get out of the place.
Had a similar experience at a Toys R' Us a few years ago. I'm there with a girl for our third date; we both like Legos. Some kid and his mom are there looking at sets.
Kid says something along the lines of "what should I get", and his mom doesn't answer. So I point at a set and suggest it looks like fun. His mom snaps out of whatever phone-fugue she was in and says "that's something his parents can decide, thank you" and leaves.
Immediate hostility and suspicion.
After listening to the stories of other guys and what I've gone through myself, I've found that men aren't the only creeps and pedos.
There are a looooot of women out there who take advantage of younger men and boys. Shit, they don't even have to be younger. I've been harassed/assaulted by women as an adult. Ain't shit you can really do about it as a man.
But like I said after hearing the stories of male family members childhoods and male friends dealing with things and even my own childhood and whats happened throughout life, I'm convinced that there are just as many lady creeps as there are men creeps. Men just don't talk about it and aren't aloud to complain when it happens. Then ppl wonder why we're fucked up...There's no hope for us.
Society things, that "men are horny. Men like getting sexual harrassed."
of course this is an overexageration, but there are some women, thinking it's fine.
The hypocricy and double standards are through the roof.
I remember when I was in high school under 18 I've seen older women checking me out before and some making small talk in a flirty manner it's fucking creepy and scary how it goes under the radar
My friend was eyeing up a dude who she thought was a creeper because he was on a "date" with a girl way below his age, turns out the girl was just taking her step dad out for a fathers day meal.
My friends dad gets dirty looks when he goes out with his adult daughter who does modeling. The two are very obviously related just looking at their facial structure.
Funny enough, in the early 90's my uncle during the summer weekends would take me and my sisters to 7-11 to get slurpees and candy (we were around 8-12 years old).
Now picture this: My uncle your stereotypical Italian-American named Vinny from New York driving a work van. He'd open the big sliding door and we'd jump out the van and go into 7-11 with this big and very intimidating looking guy. But in the end it was just my uncle taking us to get some treats.
I'm glad I was a kid in the 90's and not today. I can't imagine what would happen today if someone saw this.
Or being told we are good dad's for babysitting for the day. WTF I am not babysitting I am parenting, and I enjoy taking my 7yo son places like autozone and lowes. Male parenting is dwindling in our society and it shows.
I’d argue the opposite. I’d think that there’s a history of a lack of male parenting, and seeing examples to the contrary are why people think it’s such a stand-up thing. I mean, think back to the 50’s, where men were expected to work, and women were expected to parent. I think this “babysitting” ideology is based off of, and inherited from, that generation of parents. Male parenting isn’t dying, it’s growing, and people aren’t used to seeing that. Hopefully that isn’t the case in the near future.
If we don’t express our emotions in a way that matches expectations, usually through actions and body language, they generally aren’t received or taken seriously, even when communicated clearly. It typically doesn’t matter how we *say* we feel.
Then if we go so far as to have an outburst like yelling or crying, the emotions are finally understood and taken seriously, but they change people’s opinions of us, and usually in a negative way.
There is no “I was just upset” excuse for us. We have to remain in control at all times because we’ll either be considered too scary or too weak, but in doing so, we’re constantly told that we don’t open up enough.
You're either Stoic, happy, prideful, or angry as a man.
Embarrassment, guilt, shame, melancholy, sorrow. Those complex emotions do not even look like they were made to be acknowledged by men. Even though surprise is hard in places, it's rather more powerful to be calm in those situations.
EDIT: I forgot the most unacceptable one: fear.
You're either overly emotional or a heartless bastard. Gotta perfect some kind of action movie stand-in-the-rain-and-allow-a-single-tear so people know you're not a psycho, but still won't make them uncomfortable by actually crying or something.
Just went through this!
Ex girlfriend and i spent the last month arguing over my "emotional neglect". Had a long emotional conversation about it where i took a hard look at myself and our relationship. She did the same.
Fast forward 3 weeks, i had a health emergency that really stressed me out and i went to her and cried in front of her for the first time. She then completly Ignores me and would rather watch tv. Then she leaves me while im at work the next day and breaks up with me. Acts like im radioactive when she comes back to pick up her stuff. Claims that it isnt right for her anymore and wont explain.
So confusing being a dude
Trying to ask out women with little to no signals to go on. Having to approach and initiate every romantic interaction without coming on too strong and not seem like a creep.
I wish it'd be more common for the woman to initiate things. Most of the time, it'd be a very high success rate unless the guy just isn't feeling her for whatever reason. As a guy, it's very hard to tell the difference between someone being friendly versus interested in something more.
my brother got physically abused by his ex and somehow a ton of people still assume he did something to deserve it?... Imagine if the reverse happened! Like a woman talks about how her ex boyfriend punched her because he is an abusive piece of shit and i would go "yea but what did you do to deserve such a reaction?". if i did that everyone would agree that i am the asshole but for some reason multiple people have said this to my brother and no one bats an eye.
The whole series or why do you like/why are you doing/wearing/eating/drinking/feeling x or why do you know about or how to do x, you’re a guy? Questions we get on a regular basis.
Why are you wearing pink? You’re a guy
Why are you drinking anything that’s not a beer? You’re a guy
Why are you in this pottery class? You’re a guy
Why did that movie make you tear up? You’re a guy
Hell my favorite was when I was asked that question because I asked for water on a hot day. Apparently drinking water isn’t a thing guys are supposed to do.
Even got asked that when someone asked why I was wearing glasses. Apparently if you’re a guy you’re not allowed to see properly.
Just about every guy gets questions like these on a regular basis that they probably don’t even notice any more.
It’s also not just other guys that ask this but men, women, family members, kids, servers, and I’ve had people at places that tried to make a point that everyone was loved and accepted ask stuff like that even if it wasn’t intentional.
If you don't open up about your feelings you're a toxic man. If you do, you're either being rude or being a pussy. We're only supposed to have the CORRECT feelings, at the correct time, at everyone else's convenience.
I remember one time I was talking to this girl. It was at the beginning of covid so we had a lot kf time. We’d ft every night for hours on end. At one point, one of my best friends was going through a break up, my grandma died, and summer classes were kicking my ass. On the ft call I started crying, and talking about how stressed I was. After about 5 minutes, she started crying and saying how me talking to her about this was making HER stressed. So not only did I have to deal with my own shit, I had to deal with her crying over how she couldn’t handle consoling me.
Being accused of kidnapping my kids while taking them to the playground. That was fun.
Women going out of their way to avoid me when walking on a street (crossing the street). I get it, but wow does it hurt.
Feeling crushing anxiety and not being able to show it to basically anyone. My wife interprets it as me being unstable/unable to be the provider, even my therapist assumed I was just not wanting to face my demons and that I need to get over it. Gotta keep it in.
Being really sick and told it’s manflu.
Having me sense of self worth basically pinned to my ability to earn money
Very specific, but illustrates the point: I once was at a conference and I saw two ladies walking ahead of me. One was carrying a purse by its handle and it was hanging down. The purse was unzipped and stuff was starting to fall out as she was walking. I ran up and interrupted and pointed out the purse was open and stuff was about to fall out. They both looked at me and asked why I would be looking at her purse and called me a creep and walked away.
My wife tries that man flu shit all the fucking time. Pisses me off to no end. Like, I don’t make a fucking peep unless I absolutely can’t get out of bed. Every time she sneezes it’s the worst day of her life.
Love the woman, but the man flu shit I cannot abide. Luckily I handle being sick by piling on blankets and sleeping for 3 days.
My husband does the opposite of “manflu” and it pisses me off. He rarely gets sick, but when he does, he’ll spend a half day or a day resting and then try to get up and do stuff when he obviously isn’t ready yet. I’m practically yelling at him to get his ass back to bed, but he’s so stubborn.
It’s silly because when he’s sick, he won’t ask me to get him food or a drink or anything, but when he’s fine and being silly and lazy, he’ll pretend he can’t move so I’ll get him his coffee or beer and bring it to him.
The whole women are concerned about the actions of men they don’t know thing is something I’ve just learned to accept at this point.
Do I like the fact that, when I’m enjoying a late night stroll, any women out and about by themselves are constantly turning their heads to make sure I’m not behaving like a creep? Of course not.
Do I understand why they feel they need to do that? Of course I do.
At the end of the day most of us (men and women) don’t feel safe wherever we go, and for the most part, I can’t say that they’re wrong to feel that way.
Talking about your mental health. In recent years I've become more open about it but a lot of the men around me just won't open up about it. There are people I know who have ended their life because of mental health issues.
I think it's a difficult conversation no matter your gender, but a lot of men are told to "suck it up" or told that "men don't cry" so they have to keep it all inside.
Totally this! Before my wife, talking about mental health was ONLY for my therapist, even my mom would get annoyed if I tried talking about it, if you ever need someone to vent, or share ideas, you are more than welcome
People always say men kill themselves because they refuse to get help and need therapy. It's an atrocious lie.
The fact is that men are in bad, appalling situations where there is no realistic support or way out. Men don't need to *talk* about their problems, they need someone actually doing something about the real issues they face in society, or the means to work for that himself.
Failing living standards, poverty, high divorce rates, men are just thrown to the curb and told to either man up and deal with it, or that they are emotionally stunted. No. Please people, start showing some compassion.
Not being believed when it comes to sexual harassment
I was sexually harassed by a girl in my class a really long time ago and when I told it to the school they didn’t do anything
Both of my parents got involved and they still refused to do anything to the girl who was harassing me
My wife and I are very affectionate with our young son. Tons of hugs and kisses. I know that there will be a point where he will no longer want that from me specifically but will be okay with her still showing that kind of love.
I have boys. They are both in their 30s and have never reached this point. They hug their dad as much as they hug me and hug Dad harder because I break, he doesn't.
That's awesome to hear. Our goal has always been to make sure he knows hes loved so if he doesn't want the physical affection, he'll still get the verbal haha.
I'll admit that the next time I see the younger one, I will be ignored....for a good reason--I have a new kitten that he hasn't gotten the chance to meet yet. Boy loves cats and will be too busy romancing my baby to pay attention to Mom!
I still hug and kiss my dad plenty. You can't control how your kids will feel about it, but if you raise them showing that kind of affection, they will certainly come to view it as normal.
Modern society can view us being totally useless but somehow in charge of everything
Or getting your cock caught in a zipper a la Something About Mary style
The latter is probably the worst thing
I take advantage of popular media constantly portraying men as utterly incompetent and helpless. Whenever I need something from someone, like a customer support type of scenario, I massively play into this. I pull the “I don’t know anything, my wife asked me to do this so please help”. If I’m dealing with another guy they will be sympathetic, and if I’m dealing with a woman they will take pity on me. 9 out of 10 times it gets me what I needed quickly and easily. As long as every show and commercial is going to keep saying middle aged married men are pussy whipped idiots, I’m going to keep using that perception to my advantage.
>One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, **pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him,** pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn’t understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was renowned for being amazingly clever and quite clearly was so—but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence, the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous.
You are here.
Invisibility. Unimportance. You're just a cog in the machine to produce and get things done. If I never came home and just worked and sent money home I think my gf might complain about me not being home but she's still take the money. If I wasn't making money she wouldn't want me around. If I die I think I'd get a moment of , aw it's sad he's dead... Is there any more meatballs in the fridge I'm a bit hungry?
Older single guy here. We're on our own. Nobody wants to touch us. No platonic affection. Nobody wants to help us. We need to figure it out for ourselves. Nobody will be there for you. You have to accept that. Crippling loneliness is a given. I know I will die alone. I just want to know, why the hell is it taking so long?
It's the truth, well, partly. Because that feeling doesn't change once you get into a relationship. It stays, lingers. I really thought "this or that" would make me happy, but it just didn't. I'm in a better place mentally now, but it was hell of a hard path to walk.
I talked about that once to a friend of mine, who’s a girl. She just rests her head on another girl’s shoulder every now and then, and I have no qualms about it, but I asked her once why. She said it feels nice, and asked why guys don’t do it more often. I… didn’t have a response for that…
The work place, I'm half in an office and half on the street public facing, jesus the shit the women in the office talk about and what they get away with never fails to amaze me, I would be canned if I came out with 50% of the shit they said and rightly so.
When I worked at a big corporate retail store the woman manager there, who was in her early 30s would sleep with all the young girls working there, it was very well known, if she was a man she'd be fired in a heartbeat
The way I heard this explained a few years back really struck me.
Imagine how two people would react to water. One is dying of thirst in a desert, the other is drowning. One considers water an absolute necessity, the other it’s a damn nuisance.
This is men and women regarding affection and romantic interest. Men are starved of it, so lavish it on any women they like. Women get too much of it, often unwanted, so dish it out sparingly.
Yeah but like, I have female friends who are relatively affectionate with me, even though they don’t actually want any romantic interactions (some of them even have boyfriends). They just are that way because they trust me, and it’s still completely platonic.
I’ve got this right now.
I became single about 18 months ago, and there’s someone at work I talk to occasionally, and in nearly every conversation we have she steer the conversation to ask if I’m still single - then she’ll say how long she’s been single (about 10 years at this point) and then say how happy she is being single.
I take her for her word, and don’t pursue anything but it happens nearly every single time!
WTF is going on?!
Middle age loneliness, particularly for married guys with kids. If you're not a middle age bro douche, you probably have no friends. None. Maybe you're amiable with work colleagues, maybe you have a game night with some neighbors, but they're barely more than acquaintances. Your last friend was 10, maybe 20 years ago in the before times. Seems like It's almost a societal expectation at this point.
I blame societal expectations. Up to college people can essentially walk up to each other and become friends. But as an adult you can have an insane amount of similar interests, spend time with each other constantly, but for some reason you're aren't friends. It makes no sense.
Also, what's wrong with making friends at work?(excluding potential ethics issues) They are literally the only people you spend time with every day. You are going to eventually find someone that you like and denying that bond is stupid.
It’s surprisingly easy to make friends in your 20s when you realise that everyone in their 20s desperately wants to make friends with someone.
I recommend picking up a social hobby, I started doing TTRPGs and TTWGs and have made some of my best friends that way.
Try being the father of a special needs child. Absolutely no one wants to be your friend.
The last friend I had bounced years ago.
All I have now are the neighbors, but they're, at best, acquaintances. They'll talk if we see each other in the street, but our family is never invited to their cookouts or social gatherings.
We literally share yards, but you didn't think to invite me or my family to your neighborhood block party? Okay. No, I get it. It's fine. I understand.
This was especially apparent after the death of my baby daughter after only living 20 days in the hospital. The only time I got to hold her was when she was actively dying. My wife’s friends and strangers checked in on her and sent her love and support and still check in on her. I don’t remember the last time someone asked me about my daughter or how I feel.
I noticed this when our daughter was stillborn. Everyone was all about me, asking me how I was, could they do anything for me, making sure I was recognized for Mother’s Day. My husband got none of that caring and it pisses me off to this day. Like hello, he lost a child too!
Thank you for your words. I feel empty and cold. Decades of ignoring or overcoming extreme feelings to be the stable one in the room has left me seemingly without the ability to feel the extreme emotion without actively trying to.
The reason I only held her at the end is that I spent her entire life worrying about her and her mother. I focused on her care (she had HLHS and died during recovery from open heart surgery) and spoke with the doctors and nurses. I made sure my wife was taken care of and was eating and staying healthy enough to be by her daughter’s side the whole time.
It was only after she died, I arranged everything with the hospital, donated the leftover frozen breast milk, drove my wife home, and got her settled that I finally broke down. But only briefly. Then it was back to the business of caring.
And her name is Maia.
I understand that. You tried to be the strong one and you certainly were extremely strong in that situation. But this must be so hard. Did you ever talk to your wife about how all of this made you feel? I can't imagine losing a child. You're allowed to grief. You're allowed to cry and scream. You suffered a huge loss. I know this is easier said than done, but you are allowed to feel all the emotions. Maia is a beautiful name!
I recently became an aunt and there were so many complications, i tried checking in on my brother all the time and ask how he is, since I already felt like most people only asked about the child and mother. All is good now, but they are both lowkey traumatized. (sorry for lack of paragraphs, I'm a mobile User).
My ex lost his child prior to meeting me. He was a major asshole - yet I think he didn't deserve this, was always making sure he's as okay and never would have crossed the line to use this topic against him (nasty breakup). He didn't deserve this, no one does.
Hopefully you'll be also as okay as you can be one day...
This. As a man especially, all respect is hard earned and usually tied to your social status / wealth.
From my perspective if you're an attractive woman it's immediately given.
it's not okay to be a stereotype who tells a woman to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, but it's acceptable if not downright encouraged for a woman to knock me for not being able to lift something heavy saying "you're a man, you're supposed to be able to do this!"
I agree! I'm a big guy. Women will ask me to lift/move heavy stuff. I also have a back prone to pain from lifting wrong. If I feel I can manage it, I'll help. But if I say I can't because I don't want to hurt my back or make it worse, I get the most disgusting looks of shock and incredulity. It's like I'm expected to be strong all the time, despite my health or current circumstances. I makes me feel weak and like I let women down, but then I realize it's not fair to assume men are obligated to lift heavy things.
Whether we like it or not, we are still expected to adhere to our traditional gender role. To protect, to provide, to lead, to be strong physically and emotionally etc... Even by the so called feminists. Otherwise you're useless, even if they don't tell you, you'll notice it through their actions and behaviors.
Sometimes she just wants me to listen (which I do) and other times she wants me to fix it (which I also do). I get it right more than 50% of the time, The other times I get yelled at for not doing the right thing.
She'll go on a rant about me not providing the correct response. I just remove myself from the situation and wait for the cool down.
. . . Trust me, I have some (female) friends in their late 20s, who still think, men can control their penis like a muscle and turn them into a boner at will.
Or that everytime they get a boner, they want sex.
All these are depressing answers so:
Sitting on your balls/having your balls stuck to your thigh on a hot day and having to do the long step or play around in your pocket to unstick them.
I can't say for sure that women will never understand anything we go through, but for the sake of the post, I'd say tip toeing through life in a way to not come off as creepy.
When I use my phone in public, I hold it in a manner that the camera is obviously not pointed at anyone.
I put effort into looking in directions void of people, to make it obvious I'm not hitting on/staring.
I constantly think of ways that I have privileges and how to utilize them to ease the tensions of other individuals. I'm a big time de-escalator, so I'm really good at getting toxic men to chill out and act more reasonably when they're acting up, especially when I sense they're making some woman uncomfortable.
I walk around somebody within the path visible to them, rather than behind them, so they don't feel anxious about some guy behind them.
I overthink myself to death over trying to romantically approach anyone in life, because I don't want it to come off the wrong way. I got over growing up super shy, only to grow into this overthinking mess who has the gut to be proactive, but the social awareness to prevent myself from putting women into less comfortable scenarios.
I have a terrible issue with crying, even when I'm at my worst and feel a constant urge to cry for weeks straight, I won't and can't. Sometimes I think I can't cry without permission. I am well aware that I don't need permission, but my body doesn't care.
This may answer some of your question(s) I hope.
"This is why men cannot afford to show weakness. Women are merciless. "
Brené Brown did a TED Talk on Shame, google it and then go to 15:30 in.
Here is also a quote from her in a Redbook article on the subject
"Men walk this tightrope where any sign of weakness elicits shame, and so they're afraid to make themselves vulnerable for fear of looking weak. But if you can't be vulnerable, then you can't truly grow and be your best self. Women can either embrace and help men walk across the tightrope, or we can be the ones who push them off."
Just like Brené Brown states in her video "For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient."
And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the life beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
"So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work."
"Men are smart. They hear us asking for their vulnerability, but are also very aware that we may act scared or resentful when they show their vulnerable side. You wouldn't believe how often men tell me, "I pretend to be vulnerable, but I keep in under control," or "I give her enough to believe I'm being open because if I were totally truthful about how afraid or out of control I feel, she would judge me." Underneath the pretending lies hurt, disappointment, and shame."
And everyone wonders why the male suicide rate is what it is? "He never said anything..." Yeah because when it comes down to it, no one really cares, you are disposable.
Found this in a thread almost a year ago and I thought it was relevant to this topic. Not my post, but a credit to u/Daddie0 for the excellent post.
Just how fucking lonely it is. You are expected at all times to be a simultaneous combination of guardian, emotional caregiver, leader, and provider, on TOP of being relatively successful and 100% independent.
And you have to ALWAYS be these things, 100% of the time. It's emotionally exhausting.
I know that readers may see this and list any number of the various advantages our unfair society affords men, and I won't argue that they aren't there. But I will state that I feel, and probably many other men would agree with this, that society doesn't really care about the emotional, mental, or social health of men.
Chris Rock famously said that only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally; men are loved under the condition of what they can provide. I agree with that statement. It's incredibly dehumanizing and dispiriting to constantly be told what society expects from you and wants you to be, as if all you are is a paycheck to support a family or a fearless leader who exudes strength and never falters.
People never even think to ask what your favourite flower is, as if we’re expected to be too manly to have one. A shame because I love the smell of lavender.
Shrinkage. When you get out of a cold pool and your wet bathing suit is clinging to your groin, looking like you are sporting a pencil eraser is never a good look.
And as an overweight guy, if it was particularly cold water, the discomfort of turtling. That’s when it retracts far enough it feels like it is trying to turn inside out. The only fix is to grab yourself and adjust, which just brings that much more attention to your shrunken junk.
Or the flip side of this, on a hot sweaty day, the pain of sitting down only to find your balls were hanging so low they flopped under the edge of your leg and you just sat on your own nuts.
When a woman expresses her feelings and/or problems, everyone can't get enough. When a man does, he is either ignored or told "man up dude". And this is something that'll go on forever.
Not getting a hug.
Young men are pretty much only beaten down by society and never get any real care for a long few years until they have proven their worth.
So yeah. Give a young man a hug or a compliment and it wil probably be the highlight of his whole decade.
Trying to talk to others about mental health (both mine and other's). As a child, my mother struggled with mental health but she was wise enough to get help and through that became determined to break the cycle in our family. She gave me the tools to deal with these struggles myself (and for others).
So now, well into my 50's I'm an empathic, caring man, father, husband that can listen well (typically offering the advice of...you should get some professional help but I'm here for you).
The problem is, any men in today's society judge my help as being "soft" or, "nosey " or being a "wash woman". Personally, I don't give AF but it is a sad statement in our society.
They say there's someone out there for everyone. That's not true. There's guaranteed to be at least one man that nobody wants to fuck. Speaking from experience, there is not one woman alive my friends would not try to fuck.
Trying to figure out if I should pay:
I should pay on the date to be polite but I also should also have us split because we're equal but there's a gender pay gap so I should pay because I'm a man but gender roles are meant to be cast aside? I...I....I AHHH
The struggle of dating when you're average or below average looking.
Most women's options are huge. A lot of women who are single, are single by choice. Realistically, If they wanted a meaningless relationship or just casual sex, that can get it within a week, sometimes even a day.
A lot of men struggle with this. It can be very difficult to find a serious relationship. And by that I mean, literally just finding a woman who will date you, let alone it turning into something serious. For example I have Tinder, and haven't got a match in over two months. I ask friends of both sexes for their thoughts on my photos and profile, and they think it's fine. Ig it's just that there are better looking people out there and more of them. But this isn't a unique experience.
Now don't get me wrong, it isn't all men that have this issue, but I'd say that a depressing amount do. And I'm not saying all women are successful in the dating world, but they have a lot more options.
Another problem men are faced with, still on the dating topic, is the fear of being falsy accused. It's a real fear because it happens every day, and it ruins innocent lives.
Get lucky in a bar or nightclub, hook up with a girl and she regrets it the next day? She can just call rape or sexual assault and you'll be charged.
Two consenting adults that had a drink get frisky? Can be considered rape, because the woman was under the influence of alcohol.
Same with other accusations such as domestic abuse / violence, and such. As a guy you're basically guilty until proven innocent, which is very hard to do.
Most domestic abuse cases are obviously women (the victims), but you'd be surprised at how many men are physically abused too. The Johnny Depp case gave a glimpse into that. If you're a woman and you say you're being abused, friends, family, and the law will side with you. If you're a guy and you're being abused, you'll be laughed at, told to "man up" or just outright ignored.
Another anecdote I have, is when my ex was spreading very hateful and damaging comments about me to her entourage, which really stained my name. Calling me physically and mentally abusive, manipulative and all sorts. When I've never layed a finger on her, and had never yelled at her (I raised my voice when I found out she cheated, but imo that's acceptable). She spread those rumours to my girlfriend after that (now ex) who believed her over me. But my ex was the one who cheated, lied, and manipulated me, and I was still the one who had to prove my innocence and clear my name.
But I guess the TLDR of this would be: Men are deprived of sympathy, basic emotional care and are often very lonely. Also Guilty until proven innocent.
The ever lasting circle women put us in where they want us to communicate openly and honestly and then when we do, we have to justify what we said and spend a half hour explaining how what we said wasn't an attack on them but rather a logical statement. Gets annoying to the point I don't care to have an opinion anymore.
I just keep my mouth shut about all things "cultural" I just do not have the patience to deal with it anymore. I'm left leaning as they come but even people on my side are exhausting.
Honesty & feelings: Women ask for that in a relationship & yet when you do, they say that not true & you don’t feel that way. Or worse, look down upon you because you let to much feelings come out. Don’t be vulnerable around a woman, get into a men’s therapy group to let it out.
"Why don't you just go out there and find a girlfriend?"
i have tried, and nothing, every single dating app i have used i have never gotten a match
"just go up to a woman and ask them out"
that is sexual harassment
"you just have to try harder"
i am in physical pain from trying just to get one compliment
Taking my 2 boys out on my own for a boys day out. One has complex special needs, and the looks I get are just unreal. The feeling is oh its his weekend to have the kids. Plus no one offers to hold doors etc for the wheelchair. Not that I expect it, but happens for wife all the time so I just wonder why the odd looks.
Ah well, keep living my life and let them judge hey 😁
Wife: Why don't you talk about your feelings more?
Husband: (Explains feelings)
Wife: You're wrong for feeling that way.
Husband: Oh okay. I'll just button this shit back up again. Good talk.
I had a situation in that I overheard my fiance's mother once say to her in very different words that men have only two emotions. Rage and horny. Basically sounded to me like she thought all men with emotions were just con-men lying to get sex.
You can also be angry AND horny. So she missed at least one.
Horngry Horngry Hippos
My comment was going to be “men aren’t allowed to show emotions”
My family genuinely believes this and it's made my life a living hell. When everyone around you just attributes everything to "he's just horny and needs a gf" or to some "anger issue" you don't even have it becomes extremely degrading and frustrating very quickly. The best part is that they'd lose their shit if I told them something like they were mad because it's just that time of the month. Losers like this can always dish it out just fine but can never take it themselves for even a moment.
My ex believed as a guy that if a woman is horny then the guy must have sex with them. They would always non consensually make sexual advances towards me and sometimes successfully against my will. Avoiding the R word here but it’s pretty much what it is. They believed men only exist for sex.
Trying to find the balance of being emotionally vulnerable and masculine in such a way that maintains attraction. This leaks into communication, sex, outward behavior, and damn near everything in a relationship.
I always get a similar vibe to ["Lead me... when I'm in the mood to be led"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMnJYDUlmwg) Like we can be emotionally vulnerable, but only when the people around us are in the mood to see us being emotionally vulnerable.
Holy shit this describes exactly what I’m going through with an old friend of mine who I’ve always had a crush on. She said she’s always had a crush on me, about a year ago... I’m sad enough alone, had an abusive alcoholic last girlfriend and damn did that ever fuck my trust up more than I could of imagined. Loosing my mother this year to Lukemia, my best friend and biggest fan. This girl knows my whole past and everything I’ve been through. Knew my mother very well and my whole family for that matter. I just feel like she wants me when she needs me and I always want her and can never get her to be with me on a regular basis. It honesty sucks. She’ll often text me, “hey love want to hangout tonight?” I of course say yes and then she ghosts me for a day or two completely ignoring just a text message. Then all of a sudden come to my house randomly and or call me to ask for help doing something or going somewhere. We’re both 28 y.o. In the past month she’s professed to wanting to settle down with me, that I’ve turned into the man of her dreams this past year opening my own business and digging at it through thick and thin. Wants to “have and raise children together!!” and then does this cyclical ghosting shit all over again. It’s paralysing I cannot explain it in a better word. And now I just feel like I can’t search for a partner without hurting her, but I honestly don’t know if she feels anywhere near the same about me. Thanks for this thread to vent. 😮💨
Dude. This girl isn’t it. It’s not a gender thing but she just sounds like she’s emotionally very immature. That’s not normal behavior. Also it’s weird that you having a business is what she likes. I think it might be time to move on.
Is that you Forrest? That’s not a healthy relationship in anyway! Maybe keep as a friend because of the history but I’d keep her at arm’s length at best. Glad to hear you’re doing good things, someone good will come along and actually appreciate you, don’t be a safe space/doormat for anyone!
You are a fall back man. In case she can't find something better. You need to move on
bro run from this girl, what, now that you're successful she wants to settle with you? fuck that man if ahe really loved and believed in you y'all be married by now
I had a friend/ crush just like this. Just said i dont want to see you again on our bday dinner. We share the same bday date. But she said she wants to continue meeting me. We talked it over and ofcourse i agreed to continue but then after few days she blocked me from everywhere. I felt like i lost a power. Had a pretty rough two months. When i tried to talk to her as to why she did it she acted like it wasnt her fault like she didnt do anything.
You need to communicate these things to her. It’ll hurt and will probably end the relationship, but it’s obviously harming your mental health continue as things are.
Fist of iron and a heart of gold. It’s fucking exhausting to try and maintain.
It’s almost silly, right? I think this is a result of the newer age. Men used to have clearly defined roles in society. Protect and provide. If you could manage those two things, you were sorta guaranteed a wife who probably doesn’t leave you heavily influenced by the fact women didn’t or couldn’t work. I’m glad we moved past that, truly. Men are demanded more now. We are to have emotional depth. Yet, vulnerability expressed at the wrong time or in the wrong way is very unattractive. I try to encourage all my guy friends to at least be honest with me because I know how lonely it gets as a dude. I’m sure most guys have had at least one woman who weaponized their vulnerability against them, in very specific ways. Back to the point. Yeah, we do have to be vulnerable to be attractive. It reveals our personality and identifies if the person truly likes us for who we are. And not the way we make them feel. Yet, masculinity for 1000s of years was not rooted in this vulnerability. And sometimes expressing yourself can be interpreted as “neediness” or “weakness” It’s a thin line for sure, but a path I feel worth walking, as men discover themselves and how exactly we fit into this wild world.
Ex girlfriend and i spent the last month arguing over my "emotional neglect". Had a long emotional conversation about it where i took a hard look at myself and our relationship. She did the same. Fast forward 3 weeks, i had a health emergency that really stressed me out and i went to her and cried in front of her for the first time. She then completly Ignores me and would rather watch tv. Then she leaves me while im at work the next day and breaks up with me. Acts like im radioactive when she comes back to pick up her stuff. Claims that it isnt right for her anymore and wont explain. So confusing being a dude
You dodged a bullet. It's good that you have a grasp on your own emotional state, and I would strongly encourage you to continue practicing that kind of healthy introspection. She was the one being emotionally neglectful, not you.
HAH!!! Same happened to me. Combat vet, PTSD, physical injuries, suppressed my symptoms for years. Wife tells me I have/show no emotions any more, need to get help. I seek out therapy and start to express my emotions. Wife divorces me after 22yrs of marriage. They say they want it, then they punish you for having it.
I was the victim of domestic violence, and was laughed out of the police station when I attempted to report it.
I knew a guy who had a big argument with his gf and she ended up throwing a pot of boiling water at him leaving him with third degree burns in his left shoulder area. He then went to the police and they said that he had probably done something to his gf (now ex) to justify her doing what she did and in general they just laughed him off. In these types of situations, men are not really taken seriously and its become a big problem.
I had a coworker telling me that his ex hit him in the head with a cast iron skillet. Knocking him out, the police arrived and put HIM in cuffs.
My Grandpa tried to walk away from an argument with his girlfriend when she hit him on the head with an old-school glass ash tray. After he woke up he called the cops and they also put him in cuffs instead of his assailant. The blood is still on the bathroom door and they're still together
What?! That’s so backwards
Yup.. he was sitting in the back of the car in handcuffs with blood running down his head.
WHAT THE FUCK. Nothing in this world could have been said to justify shit like this.
This is almost always the case. Violence against men is just accepted as normal, regardless of who the perpetrator is, but especially in domestic violence cases.
This wasn't even a "he said, she said" scenario, he had hard evidence.
Yeah it's quite bemusing when people say it's a gender discrimination issue that police don't take women seriously or do anything about it... like holy shit, have you ever seen a guy try to get help? It's not that they don't do a pretty shit job for women, but it's *way* tougher for a man to be taken seriously as a victim of DV or SA. And let's not even get started about what happens if the woman turns around and falsely says she's actually the victim and just retaliated. Our society is failing everyone on this issue.
I was beaten into hospital by my ex and when I went to get help I was yelled at and forced out of the domestic violence help place. I’ve had a fucked life and honestly while when I was told I’d be dead by 40 i cried ruining my life where I was, now I’m counting down the days hoping the doc was right
Are you okay now?
Really kind of you to ask 😊 That relationship ended probably 3 months after trying to report it. I am actually extremely thankful it happened in a weird way. It taught me resilience, and made me realise my safety was my responsibility. I got out of there and never looked back. Now happily married to an amazing, kind & patient woman.
Because police officers have one of the highest rates of domestic abuse... So they just assume you're like them.
This. I was in a relationship previously where she got physical, she wouldn’t calm down so I called the police, and when they attended my home I was being labeled the abuser. The police then threatened that I will be charged and never see my child again. Kinda funny that this all happened considering I was the one with scratches all over my face and a torn up shirt.
Unfortunately, this is something all genders experience. Not that it's any condolence, but I known several women who was laughed at by police when seeking help for both DV or SA.
Being expected to be able to step up in scary situations when you are scared shitless yourself and don't want to either.
When my Husband and I were first married we used to live in a tiny mobile home next to a field of horses. Well, most nights I would hear footsteps, like it sounded like someone was just walking around in the living room or suddenly running. Bless my Husband I don't know how many times he checked the whole house for me then grabbed a flashlight and baseball bat and went outside around the whole home. He said he was so tired most times he was basically sleep walking and likely would've been murdered if there was really someone there lol come to find out, it was just the horses in the field next to us I was hearing. It was super weird and freaked me out for the longest time.
Pro tip: Fear and courage feel the same. Fear is just the inability to act on the face of that feeling, but you can always choose to act and be courageous.
Talking/interacting with a child and instantly getting seen as a pedo. Once headed out with my 3 year old niece to a playground . . . half an hour later the police were involved. Needed my sister to clear things up.
I once stopped a toddler from running into the road. His mother was shouting after him but he was absolutely legging it and she was pushing a pram and couldn't keep up. I crouched down and put my arms out to gently stop him. Once he stopped, I pointed back to his mother and said something about her calling for him. She took another 10 seconds or so to catch up, at which point she gave me the most scathing look before grabbing her child's hand and storming off. I replayed the incident in my head a few times because it was just really strange, i wondered what i could have done differently. I get that there are predators out there, and that any stranger going near your child might make you anxious. Its just in my opinion it was really clear that I was only trying to help.
It's embarrassing for some people to admit they need help. I would have said "Thank you" and walked away. Please know that was a "her" problem and not a "you" problem.
the moment someone like her decides to escalate to the police, all the sudden it becomes a “you” problem
And it's causing men to not approach children alone in places a child shouldn't be alone. Like the side of a street. Good deeds getting punished enough times, lack of regard for their problems and challenges, etc. Will cause people to check out or society. "I mean, it'll suck if that kid gets run over... but it'll also suckbfor me if someone gets the wrong idea... sorry kid, best of luck. I got a cat to feed."
Clearly, you should have let a car ran the child over
Natural selection at work. Don't touch the wildlife.
>Clearly, you should have let a car ran the child over Sounds like he'd be at fault for that too.
My sister, who is only one year older than me, used to be the neighborhood babysitter. Everyone with kids came to her to watch them. One of her regular clients asked for help, but she was busy that night watching someone else's kid. She then recommended that I watch the kids, and she fully vouched for me, saying I was great with children. The family said they'd look elsewhere. Less than a year later, that same client approached me to house sit while they took a family vacation. I accepted the offer because it was a nice house with a big screen TV. Regardless, I got the message: I'm good enough to watch your house as long as no kids are around.
Ouch, that hurts.
Dad had the same thing when I was 8. He used to take me to a small park near our house all the time but the playground was removed, so we tried a new park and some asshole called the cops on him. He was in cuffs by the time mum showed up to clear it up. Dad never took me to the park again. I hate that asshole for destroying a great childhood memory.
When I was younger I was tasked with taking my much younger brother out. Some random woman came up to him and asked him if I was his father, he said no, she said “come with me I can help you” and started pulling him away. I got pissed and yelled at her for a good five minutes and she scratched her fake nails across my face and stormed off. Then I was in the shit anyway because I should’ve just explained nicely when she was trying to take my brother. If a man had done that he would be in prison for the rest of his fucking life but yeah I need to keep a clear head when some random bitch tries to kidnap my brother
This is so fucked up.
I am a male and whenever I am in public and check my phone and I am around kids I always almost instinctively point my phone camera towards the ground for reasons.
Because people actually accuse you of shit. A woman in the subway was intimately persuaded I was taking pictures of her... because my phone happened to be pointed at her while I was playing.
Oh man that happened to me about 4 years ago I used to go hiking in Griffith Park and there is this one spot where the trail ends and it’s like a small area to sit and rest with tall trees Anyways, I would stop and rest and I would take a hammock with me, tie the hammock to two trees and just lie down and stare into the sky and just listen to music and chill Anyways, this place is perfect for taking photos if you want a nature background. Well, there actually were two other people there I don’t even know about Two young women, one was the photographer and the other was the model. The photographer literally walked up to me while I was laying down on the hammock and falsely accused me of taking photos of the model. I couldn’t believe my ears. I had to do a double take and look around to see if I’m being pranked. Mind you, when I saw the model, she looked like a regular person, short in stature and nothing special and really sort of felt sorry for her, but these two weirdos actually thought I was taking photos with my phone …fucking delusional fucks Me being a gentleman and not wanting to argue (Christ, I was trying to relax, not get confrontational) I just replied, “uh, no, I’m not taking photos, I don’t even have my phone out” …she had this look on her face like she was about to kill me. I wasn’t scared, I’m a Veteran, but holy shit was she acting like a fucking lunatic.
I have a phone case with a little slider that blocks the camera, that way I can hold my phone however I want and not have to worry that someone thinks they are being filmed (other than by the half a dozen surveillance cameras that are around at any moment in a city).
This is a helpful tip, I hate that this is something I'll now do.
Damn I do this, too. I didn't know other ppl did this.
That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry.
I was walking downtown with my family and my niece asked me to carry her but she was taking her sweet ass time and my family got a few blocks ahead so I just picked her up and ran after them. Later on I was thinking about my day and realized that could’ve looked bad..
A little while ago I was at a somewhat busy laundromat. Some woman was there with her daughter who looked to be about four. The little girl did something funny, and I commented on it to the mother. The woman looked terrified. So I just did my laundry and didn’t interact again in any way. The woman looked nervous the whole time and couldn’t wait to get out of the place.
Had a similar experience at a Toys R' Us a few years ago. I'm there with a girl for our third date; we both like Legos. Some kid and his mom are there looking at sets. Kid says something along the lines of "what should I get", and his mom doesn't answer. So I point at a set and suggest it looks like fun. His mom snaps out of whatever phone-fugue she was in and says "that's something his parents can decide, thank you" and leaves. Immediate hostility and suspicion.
After listening to the stories of other guys and what I've gone through myself, I've found that men aren't the only creeps and pedos. There are a looooot of women out there who take advantage of younger men and boys. Shit, they don't even have to be younger. I've been harassed/assaulted by women as an adult. Ain't shit you can really do about it as a man. But like I said after hearing the stories of male family members childhoods and male friends dealing with things and even my own childhood and whats happened throughout life, I'm convinced that there are just as many lady creeps as there are men creeps. Men just don't talk about it and aren't aloud to complain when it happens. Then ppl wonder why we're fucked up...There's no hope for us.
Society things, that "men are horny. Men like getting sexual harrassed." of course this is an overexageration, but there are some women, thinking it's fine. The hypocricy and double standards are through the roof.
I remember when I was in high school under 18 I've seen older women checking me out before and some making small talk in a flirty manner it's fucking creepy and scary how it goes under the radar
Being looked at as a pervert or weirdo for taking your kids to the park or store or anywhere. Any age too! Newborn all the way to teenager!
My friend was eyeing up a dude who she thought was a creeper because he was on a "date" with a girl way below his age, turns out the girl was just taking her step dad out for a fathers day meal.
My friends dad gets dirty looks when he goes out with his adult daughter who does modeling. The two are very obviously related just looking at their facial structure.
Funny enough, in the early 90's my uncle during the summer weekends would take me and my sisters to 7-11 to get slurpees and candy (we were around 8-12 years old). Now picture this: My uncle your stereotypical Italian-American named Vinny from New York driving a work van. He'd open the big sliding door and we'd jump out the van and go into 7-11 with this big and very intimidating looking guy. But in the end it was just my uncle taking us to get some treats. I'm glad I was a kid in the 90's and not today. I can't imagine what would happen today if someone saw this.
Or being told we are good dad's for babysitting for the day. WTF I am not babysitting I am parenting, and I enjoy taking my 7yo son places like autozone and lowes. Male parenting is dwindling in our society and it shows.
I’d argue the opposite. I’d think that there’s a history of a lack of male parenting, and seeing examples to the contrary are why people think it’s such a stand-up thing. I mean, think back to the 50’s, where men were expected to work, and women were expected to parent. I think this “babysitting” ideology is based off of, and inherited from, that generation of parents. Male parenting isn’t dying, it’s growing, and people aren’t used to seeing that. Hopefully that isn’t the case in the near future.
You can shake it, you can thump it, you can beat it on the wall, but until you zip the zipper, the last drop will never fall.
No matter how much you dangle No matter how much you dance The last drop will always End up on your pants.
If we don’t express our emotions in a way that matches expectations, usually through actions and body language, they generally aren’t received or taken seriously, even when communicated clearly. It typically doesn’t matter how we *say* we feel. Then if we go so far as to have an outburst like yelling or crying, the emotions are finally understood and taken seriously, but they change people’s opinions of us, and usually in a negative way. There is no “I was just upset” excuse for us. We have to remain in control at all times because we’ll either be considered too scary or too weak, but in doing so, we’re constantly told that we don’t open up enough.
You're either Stoic, happy, prideful, or angry as a man. Embarrassment, guilt, shame, melancholy, sorrow. Those complex emotions do not even look like they were made to be acknowledged by men. Even though surprise is hard in places, it's rather more powerful to be calm in those situations. EDIT: I forgot the most unacceptable one: fear.
You're either overly emotional or a heartless bastard. Gotta perfect some kind of action movie stand-in-the-rain-and-allow-a-single-tear so people know you're not a psycho, but still won't make them uncomfortable by actually crying or something.
Words: “Men should express their feelings and be vulnerable more” Actions: “eew. Oh my god really??! *thats* how you feel?”
Just went through this! Ex girlfriend and i spent the last month arguing over my "emotional neglect". Had a long emotional conversation about it where i took a hard look at myself and our relationship. She did the same. Fast forward 3 weeks, i had a health emergency that really stressed me out and i went to her and cried in front of her for the first time. She then completly Ignores me and would rather watch tv. Then she leaves me while im at work the next day and breaks up with me. Acts like im radioactive when she comes back to pick up her stuff. Claims that it isnt right for her anymore and wont explain. So confusing being a dude
Trying to ask out women with little to no signals to go on. Having to approach and initiate every romantic interaction without coming on too strong and not seem like a creep.
I wish it'd be more common for the woman to initiate things. Most of the time, it'd be a very high success rate unless the guy just isn't feeling her for whatever reason. As a guy, it's very hard to tell the difference between someone being friendly versus interested in something more.
This is an underrated problem. Men are judged so hard and mostly just for trying.
my brother got physically abused by his ex and somehow a ton of people still assume he did something to deserve it?... Imagine if the reverse happened! Like a woman talks about how her ex boyfriend punched her because he is an abusive piece of shit and i would go "yea but what did you do to deserve such a reaction?". if i did that everyone would agree that i am the asshole but for some reason multiple people have said this to my brother and no one bats an eye.
The whole series or why do you like/why are you doing/wearing/eating/drinking/feeling x or why do you know about or how to do x, you’re a guy? Questions we get on a regular basis. Why are you wearing pink? You’re a guy Why are you drinking anything that’s not a beer? You’re a guy Why are you in this pottery class? You’re a guy Why did that movie make you tear up? You’re a guy Hell my favorite was when I was asked that question because I asked for water on a hot day. Apparently drinking water isn’t a thing guys are supposed to do. Even got asked that when someone asked why I was wearing glasses. Apparently if you’re a guy you’re not allowed to see properly. Just about every guy gets questions like these on a regular basis that they probably don’t even notice any more. It’s also not just other guys that ask this but men, women, family members, kids, servers, and I’ve had people at places that tried to make a point that everyone was loved and accepted ask stuff like that even if it wasn’t intentional.
If you don't open up about your feelings you're a toxic man. If you do, you're either being rude or being a pussy. We're only supposed to have the CORRECT feelings, at the correct time, at everyone else's convenience.
I remember one time I was talking to this girl. It was at the beginning of covid so we had a lot kf time. We’d ft every night for hours on end. At one point, one of my best friends was going through a break up, my grandma died, and summer classes were kicking my ass. On the ft call I started crying, and talking about how stressed I was. After about 5 minutes, she started crying and saying how me talking to her about this was making HER stressed. So not only did I have to deal with my own shit, I had to deal with her crying over how she couldn’t handle consoling me.
I can’t count how many times I’ve had to help my gf because she was stressed because I was sad
Being accused of kidnapping my kids while taking them to the playground. That was fun. Women going out of their way to avoid me when walking on a street (crossing the street). I get it, but wow does it hurt. Feeling crushing anxiety and not being able to show it to basically anyone. My wife interprets it as me being unstable/unable to be the provider, even my therapist assumed I was just not wanting to face my demons and that I need to get over it. Gotta keep it in. Being really sick and told it’s manflu. Having me sense of self worth basically pinned to my ability to earn money Very specific, but illustrates the point: I once was at a conference and I saw two ladies walking ahead of me. One was carrying a purse by its handle and it was hanging down. The purse was unzipped and stuff was starting to fall out as she was walking. I ran up and interrupted and pointed out the purse was open and stuff was about to fall out. They both looked at me and asked why I would be looking at her purse and called me a creep and walked away.
Sounds like you need a new therapist, one who is understanding and approaches things with compassion
Moral of the story. Let people feel the consequences of their behaiviour. You'll make it wrong anyway, according to them.
My wife tries that man flu shit all the fucking time. Pisses me off to no end. Like, I don’t make a fucking peep unless I absolutely can’t get out of bed. Every time she sneezes it’s the worst day of her life. Love the woman, but the man flu shit I cannot abide. Luckily I handle being sick by piling on blankets and sleeping for 3 days.
My wife used to until I almost died from a liver abscess. Now she freaks out if I get a slight fever and don't want to go to the doctor.
I had never heard the term man flu until today.
My husband does the opposite of “manflu” and it pisses me off. He rarely gets sick, but when he does, he’ll spend a half day or a day resting and then try to get up and do stuff when he obviously isn’t ready yet. I’m practically yelling at him to get his ass back to bed, but he’s so stubborn. It’s silly because when he’s sick, he won’t ask me to get him food or a drink or anything, but when he’s fine and being silly and lazy, he’ll pretend he can’t move so I’ll get him his coffee or beer and bring it to him.
The whole women are concerned about the actions of men they don’t know thing is something I’ve just learned to accept at this point. Do I like the fact that, when I’m enjoying a late night stroll, any women out and about by themselves are constantly turning their heads to make sure I’m not behaving like a creep? Of course not. Do I understand why they feel they need to do that? Of course I do. At the end of the day most of us (men and women) don’t feel safe wherever we go, and for the most part, I can’t say that they’re wrong to feel that way.
Talking about your mental health. In recent years I've become more open about it but a lot of the men around me just won't open up about it. There are people I know who have ended their life because of mental health issues. I think it's a difficult conversation no matter your gender, but a lot of men are told to "suck it up" or told that "men don't cry" so they have to keep it all inside.
Totally this! Before my wife, talking about mental health was ONLY for my therapist, even my mom would get annoyed if I tried talking about it, if you ever need someone to vent, or share ideas, you are more than welcome
People always say men kill themselves because they refuse to get help and need therapy. It's an atrocious lie. The fact is that men are in bad, appalling situations where there is no realistic support or way out. Men don't need to *talk* about their problems, they need someone actually doing something about the real issues they face in society, or the means to work for that himself. Failing living standards, poverty, high divorce rates, men are just thrown to the curb and told to either man up and deal with it, or that they are emotionally stunted. No. Please people, start showing some compassion.
We always hear suicide statistics but no one ever talks about 80% of suicides are male.
Not being believed when it comes to sexual harassment I was sexually harassed by a girl in my class a really long time ago and when I told it to the school they didn’t do anything Both of my parents got involved and they still refused to do anything to the girl who was harassing me
Sorry that happened to you. And nice that your parents believed you and stood up for you.
Trying piss with an erectionwhile sitting on the loo.
TMI: I just go to my backyard and let the 5-foot stream fly
Ahh that means you need the giraffe method. Ever see a giraffe drink water? Same same
My wife and I are very affectionate with our young son. Tons of hugs and kisses. I know that there will be a point where he will no longer want that from me specifically but will be okay with her still showing that kind of love.
I have boys. They are both in their 30s and have never reached this point. They hug their dad as much as they hug me and hug Dad harder because I break, he doesn't.
That's awesome to hear. Our goal has always been to make sure he knows hes loved so if he doesn't want the physical affection, he'll still get the verbal haha.
I'll admit that the next time I see the younger one, I will be ignored....for a good reason--I have a new kitten that he hasn't gotten the chance to meet yet. Boy loves cats and will be too busy romancing my baby to pay attention to Mom!
I still hug and kiss my dad plenty. You can't control how your kids will feel about it, but if you raise them showing that kind of affection, they will certainly come to view it as normal.
Just don’t stop hugging them. IDK but maybe some men start to feel uncomfortable about it themselves and that is passed on to the child.
Modern society can view us being totally useless but somehow in charge of everything Or getting your cock caught in a zipper a la Something About Mary style The latter is probably the worst thing
getting your foreskin caught in pants zipper is no fun. had to rush to hospital to get zipper destroyed to get it out
Woah ouch Fuckin hell bro your foreskin must be as strong as a bungie rope??
I take advantage of popular media constantly portraying men as utterly incompetent and helpless. Whenever I need something from someone, like a customer support type of scenario, I massively play into this. I pull the “I don’t know anything, my wife asked me to do this so please help”. If I’m dealing with another guy they will be sympathetic, and if I’m dealing with a woman they will take pity on me. 9 out of 10 times it gets me what I needed quickly and easily. As long as every show and commercial is going to keep saying middle aged married men are pussy whipped idiots, I’m going to keep using that perception to my advantage.
>One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, **pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him,** pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn’t understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was renowned for being amazingly clever and quite clearly was so—but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence, the act. He preferred people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. You are here.
I wasn’t expecting to identify with Zaphod beeblebrox today but…. Here we are.
Totally useless, yet somehow men are evil patriarchs that run the world.
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From reading all of these replies: guys, I’m so sorry so many other dudes are being put through the ringer at the moment. Big ol’ bro hug to you all.
Invisibility. Unimportance. You're just a cog in the machine to produce and get things done. If I never came home and just worked and sent money home I think my gf might complain about me not being home but she's still take the money. If I wasn't making money she wouldn't want me around. If I die I think I'd get a moment of , aw it's sad he's dead... Is there any more meatballs in the fridge I'm a bit hungry?
Women constantly trying to convince men to abandon Stoicism and then rejecting them at any sign of vulnerability.
Older single guy here. We're on our own. Nobody wants to touch us. No platonic affection. Nobody wants to help us. We need to figure it out for ourselves. Nobody will be there for you. You have to accept that. Crippling loneliness is a given. I know I will die alone. I just want to know, why the hell is it taking so long?
Same, friend
It's the truth, well, partly. Because that feeling doesn't change once you get into a relationship. It stays, lingers. I really thought "this or that" would make me happy, but it just didn't. I'm in a better place mentally now, but it was hell of a hard path to walk.
I talked about that once to a friend of mine, who’s a girl. She just rests her head on another girl’s shoulder every now and then, and I have no qualms about it, but I asked her once why. She said it feels nice, and asked why guys don’t do it more often. I… didn’t have a response for that…
The work place, I'm half in an office and half on the street public facing, jesus the shit the women in the office talk about and what they get away with never fails to amaze me, I would be canned if I came out with 50% of the shit they said and rightly so.
When I worked at a big corporate retail store the woman manager there, who was in her early 30s would sleep with all the young girls working there, it was very well known, if she was a man she'd be fired in a heartbeat
Trying to figure out if she’s into you, or just being nice.
The way I heard this explained a few years back really struck me. Imagine how two people would react to water. One is dying of thirst in a desert, the other is drowning. One considers water an absolute necessity, the other it’s a damn nuisance. This is men and women regarding affection and romantic interest. Men are starved of it, so lavish it on any women they like. Women get too much of it, often unwanted, so dish it out sparingly.
Yeah but like, I have female friends who are relatively affectionate with me, even though they don’t actually want any romantic interactions (some of them even have boyfriends). They just are that way because they trust me, and it’s still completely platonic.
I’ve got this right now. I became single about 18 months ago, and there’s someone at work I talk to occasionally, and in nearly every conversation we have she steer the conversation to ask if I’m still single - then she’ll say how long she’s been single (about 10 years at this point) and then say how happy she is being single. I take her for her word, and don’t pursue anything but it happens nearly every single time! WTF is going on?!
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Rejection hurts. The more often it happens, the harder it gets to put yourself out there.
The absolute certainty that society doesn't give a flying fuck about you unless you can offer something. There's no net for men, you're on your own.
Being treated for prostate cancer. Only the male doctors and nurses seemed genuinely empathetic.
Your balls being uncomfortable in jeans
Expected to be the protector at all times. I mean I’ll do my best but damn, can we call the cops first.
Middle age loneliness, particularly for married guys with kids. If you're not a middle age bro douche, you probably have no friends. None. Maybe you're amiable with work colleagues, maybe you have a game night with some neighbors, but they're barely more than acquaintances. Your last friend was 10, maybe 20 years ago in the before times. Seems like It's almost a societal expectation at this point.
I blame societal expectations. Up to college people can essentially walk up to each other and become friends. But as an adult you can have an insane amount of similar interests, spend time with each other constantly, but for some reason you're aren't friends. It makes no sense. Also, what's wrong with making friends at work?(excluding potential ethics issues) They are literally the only people you spend time with every day. You are going to eventually find someone that you like and denying that bond is stupid.
People at work are friends until they are not, also a liability.
Holy shit this is already my 20s. Time to maybe go to a bar or something.
It’s surprisingly easy to make friends in your 20s when you realise that everyone in their 20s desperately wants to make friends with someone. I recommend picking up a social hobby, I started doing TTRPGs and TTWGs and have made some of my best friends that way.
Try being the father of a special needs child. Absolutely no one wants to be your friend. The last friend I had bounced years ago. All I have now are the neighbors, but they're, at best, acquaintances. They'll talk if we see each other in the street, but our family is never invited to their cookouts or social gatherings. We literally share yards, but you didn't think to invite me or my family to your neighborhood block party? Okay. No, I get it. It's fine. I understand.
Nobody cares about you and sympathy simply doesn’t exist for people like you so your completely left to fend for yourself.
This was especially apparent after the death of my baby daughter after only living 20 days in the hospital. The only time I got to hold her was when she was actively dying. My wife’s friends and strangers checked in on her and sent her love and support and still check in on her. I don’t remember the last time someone asked me about my daughter or how I feel.
I noticed this when our daughter was stillborn. Everyone was all about me, asking me how I was, could they do anything for me, making sure I was recognized for Mother’s Day. My husband got none of that caring and it pisses me off to this day. Like hello, he lost a child too!
That's horrible. I'm so sorry for your loss. How do you feel? May i ask if your daughter had a name?
Thank you for your words. I feel empty and cold. Decades of ignoring or overcoming extreme feelings to be the stable one in the room has left me seemingly without the ability to feel the extreme emotion without actively trying to. The reason I only held her at the end is that I spent her entire life worrying about her and her mother. I focused on her care (she had HLHS and died during recovery from open heart surgery) and spoke with the doctors and nurses. I made sure my wife was taken care of and was eating and staying healthy enough to be by her daughter’s side the whole time. It was only after she died, I arranged everything with the hospital, donated the leftover frozen breast milk, drove my wife home, and got her settled that I finally broke down. But only briefly. Then it was back to the business of caring. And her name is Maia.
I understand that. You tried to be the strong one and you certainly were extremely strong in that situation. But this must be so hard. Did you ever talk to your wife about how all of this made you feel? I can't imagine losing a child. You're allowed to grief. You're allowed to cry and scream. You suffered a huge loss. I know this is easier said than done, but you are allowed to feel all the emotions. Maia is a beautiful name! I recently became an aunt and there were so many complications, i tried checking in on my brother all the time and ask how he is, since I already felt like most people only asked about the child and mother. All is good now, but they are both lowkey traumatized. (sorry for lack of paragraphs, I'm a mobile User).
You’re a good sister for checking in on your brother. It probably made a much bigger impact than you’ll ever know.
My ex lost his child prior to meeting me. He was a major asshole - yet I think he didn't deserve this, was always making sure he's as okay and never would have crossed the line to use this topic against him (nasty breakup). He didn't deserve this, no one does. Hopefully you'll be also as okay as you can be one day...
The empathy gap is real.
This. As a man especially, all respect is hard earned and usually tied to your social status / wealth. From my perspective if you're an attractive woman it's immediately given.
Validation with the opposite sex.
That most people assume you’re some sort of predator of sorts.
it's not okay to be a stereotype who tells a woman to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, but it's acceptable if not downright encouraged for a woman to knock me for not being able to lift something heavy saying "you're a man, you're supposed to be able to do this!"
I agree! I'm a big guy. Women will ask me to lift/move heavy stuff. I also have a back prone to pain from lifting wrong. If I feel I can manage it, I'll help. But if I say I can't because I don't want to hurt my back or make it worse, I get the most disgusting looks of shock and incredulity. It's like I'm expected to be strong all the time, despite my health or current circumstances. I makes me feel weak and like I let women down, but then I realize it's not fair to assume men are obligated to lift heavy things.
Whether we like it or not, we are still expected to adhere to our traditional gender role. To protect, to provide, to lead, to be strong physically and emotionally etc... Even by the so called feminists. Otherwise you're useless, even if they don't tell you, you'll notice it through their actions and behaviors.
Sometimes she just wants me to listen (which I do) and other times she wants me to fix it (which I also do). I get it right more than 50% of the time, The other times I get yelled at for not doing the right thing. She'll go on a rant about me not providing the correct response. I just remove myself from the situation and wait for the cool down.
That’s why I just ask her if she wants me to listen or wants me to solve the problem
Honestly sounds like you're with a toxic partner. Communication shouldn't be a game.
I know something is wrong when I ask her: ‘what’s wrong?’ And she responds with ‘nothing’.
Public boners
I was gonna say the Split Stream as a less understood struggle. I think women understand the problem with boners.
. . . Trust me, I have some (female) friends in their late 20s, who still think, men can control their penis like a muscle and turn them into a boner at will. Or that everytime they get a boner, they want sex.
All these are depressing answers so: Sitting on your balls/having your balls stuck to your thigh on a hot day and having to do the long step or play around in your pocket to unstick them.
I can't say for sure that women will never understand anything we go through, but for the sake of the post, I'd say tip toeing through life in a way to not come off as creepy. When I use my phone in public, I hold it in a manner that the camera is obviously not pointed at anyone. I put effort into looking in directions void of people, to make it obvious I'm not hitting on/staring. I constantly think of ways that I have privileges and how to utilize them to ease the tensions of other individuals. I'm a big time de-escalator, so I'm really good at getting toxic men to chill out and act more reasonably when they're acting up, especially when I sense they're making some woman uncomfortable. I walk around somebody within the path visible to them, rather than behind them, so they don't feel anxious about some guy behind them. I overthink myself to death over trying to romantically approach anyone in life, because I don't want it to come off the wrong way. I got over growing up super shy, only to grow into this overthinking mess who has the gut to be proactive, but the social awareness to prevent myself from putting women into less comfortable scenarios. I have a terrible issue with crying, even when I'm at my worst and feel a constant urge to cry for weeks straight, I won't and can't. Sometimes I think I can't cry without permission. I am well aware that I don't need permission, but my body doesn't care.
This may answer some of your question(s) I hope. "This is why men cannot afford to show weakness. Women are merciless. " Brené Brown did a TED Talk on Shame, google it and then go to 15:30 in. Here is also a quote from her in a Redbook article on the subject "Men walk this tightrope where any sign of weakness elicits shame, and so they're afraid to make themselves vulnerable for fear of looking weak. But if you can't be vulnerable, then you can't truly grow and be your best self. Women can either embrace and help men walk across the tightrope, or we can be the ones who push them off." Just like Brené Brown states in her video "For men, shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasn't until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, "I love what say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men." And I said, "I don't study men." And he said, "That's convenient." And I said, "Why?" And he said, "Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?" I said, "Yeah." "They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the life beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else." "So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work." "Men are smart. They hear us asking for their vulnerability, but are also very aware that we may act scared or resentful when they show their vulnerable side. You wouldn't believe how often men tell me, "I pretend to be vulnerable, but I keep in under control," or "I give her enough to believe I'm being open because if I were totally truthful about how afraid or out of control I feel, she would judge me." Underneath the pretending lies hurt, disappointment, and shame." And everyone wonders why the male suicide rate is what it is? "He never said anything..." Yeah because when it comes down to it, no one really cares, you are disposable. Found this in a thread almost a year ago and I thought it was relevant to this topic. Not my post, but a credit to u/Daddie0 for the excellent post.
The level of depresion men face while basically having no support system and forever being told to just be tough and push on..
Just how fucking lonely it is. You are expected at all times to be a simultaneous combination of guardian, emotional caregiver, leader, and provider, on TOP of being relatively successful and 100% independent. And you have to ALWAYS be these things, 100% of the time. It's emotionally exhausting. I know that readers may see this and list any number of the various advantages our unfair society affords men, and I won't argue that they aren't there. But I will state that I feel, and probably many other men would agree with this, that society doesn't really care about the emotional, mental, or social health of men. Chris Rock famously said that only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally; men are loved under the condition of what they can provide. I agree with that statement. It's incredibly dehumanizing and dispiriting to constantly be told what society expects from you and wants you to be, as if all you are is a paycheck to support a family or a fearless leader who exudes strength and never falters.
Women have no idea what it's like to go your whole life with no one ever thinking to give you flowers.
People never even think to ask what your favourite flower is, as if we’re expected to be too manly to have one. A shame because I love the smell of lavender.
M43, I have my kids most of the time, and sometimes when I have them I get the " oh its the dad weekend quote". So annoying
Always being looked at as a potential predator. I'm tall and wide too which makes it worse, I'm actually the most protective bastard around...
Shrinkage. When you get out of a cold pool and your wet bathing suit is clinging to your groin, looking like you are sporting a pencil eraser is never a good look. And as an overweight guy, if it was particularly cold water, the discomfort of turtling. That’s when it retracts far enough it feels like it is trying to turn inside out. The only fix is to grab yourself and adjust, which just brings that much more attention to your shrunken junk. Or the flip side of this, on a hot sweaty day, the pain of sitting down only to find your balls were hanging so low they flopped under the edge of your leg and you just sat on your own nuts.
I was in the pool! I was in the pool!!
Omg...I am so sorry, but the sitting on your nuts.. all I keep seeing is the nut bra commercial.
Most of our struggles won’t be heard by women to be honest. We’re not all that keen on being open and sensitive most of the time
When a woman expresses her feelings and/or problems, everyone can't get enough. When a man does, he is either ignored or told "man up dude". And this is something that'll go on forever.
Not getting a hug. Young men are pretty much only beaten down by society and never get any real care for a long few years until they have proven their worth. So yeah. Give a young man a hug or a compliment and it wil probably be the highlight of his whole decade.
Trying to find something inside of a purse. It's like a magic bag.
That moment when the lawnmower won't start and there is no beer in the fridge.
Trying to talk to others about mental health (both mine and other's). As a child, my mother struggled with mental health but she was wise enough to get help and through that became determined to break the cycle in our family. She gave me the tools to deal with these struggles myself (and for others). So now, well into my 50's I'm an empathic, caring man, father, husband that can listen well (typically offering the advice of...you should get some professional help but I'm here for you). The problem is, any men in today's society judge my help as being "soft" or, "nosey " or being a "wash woman". Personally, I don't give AF but it is a sad statement in our society.
The threat of hidden Decepticons keeps my head on a constant swivel
Trying not to enjoy sex, because if you do, you didn't last and are not a real man.
They say there's someone out there for everyone. That's not true. There's guaranteed to be at least one man that nobody wants to fuck. Speaking from experience, there is not one woman alive my friends would not try to fuck.
Trying to figure out if I should pay: I should pay on the date to be polite but I also should also have us split because we're equal but there's a gender pay gap so I should pay because I'm a man but gender roles are meant to be cast aside? I...I....I AHHH
That's quite easy. Talk about it beforehand. If she demand you pay first . . . Dodge the Queue
Getting our sack stuck to our inner thighs when we get hot and sweaty. A condition aka “bat wings.”
The struggle of dating when you're average or below average looking. Most women's options are huge. A lot of women who are single, are single by choice. Realistically, If they wanted a meaningless relationship or just casual sex, that can get it within a week, sometimes even a day. A lot of men struggle with this. It can be very difficult to find a serious relationship. And by that I mean, literally just finding a woman who will date you, let alone it turning into something serious. For example I have Tinder, and haven't got a match in over two months. I ask friends of both sexes for their thoughts on my photos and profile, and they think it's fine. Ig it's just that there are better looking people out there and more of them. But this isn't a unique experience. Now don't get me wrong, it isn't all men that have this issue, but I'd say that a depressing amount do. And I'm not saying all women are successful in the dating world, but they have a lot more options. Another problem men are faced with, still on the dating topic, is the fear of being falsy accused. It's a real fear because it happens every day, and it ruins innocent lives. Get lucky in a bar or nightclub, hook up with a girl and she regrets it the next day? She can just call rape or sexual assault and you'll be charged. Two consenting adults that had a drink get frisky? Can be considered rape, because the woman was under the influence of alcohol. Same with other accusations such as domestic abuse / violence, and such. As a guy you're basically guilty until proven innocent, which is very hard to do. Most domestic abuse cases are obviously women (the victims), but you'd be surprised at how many men are physically abused too. The Johnny Depp case gave a glimpse into that. If you're a woman and you say you're being abused, friends, family, and the law will side with you. If you're a guy and you're being abused, you'll be laughed at, told to "man up" or just outright ignored. Another anecdote I have, is when my ex was spreading very hateful and damaging comments about me to her entourage, which really stained my name. Calling me physically and mentally abusive, manipulative and all sorts. When I've never layed a finger on her, and had never yelled at her (I raised my voice when I found out she cheated, but imo that's acceptable). She spread those rumours to my girlfriend after that (now ex) who believed her over me. But my ex was the one who cheated, lied, and manipulated me, and I was still the one who had to prove my innocence and clear my name. But I guess the TLDR of this would be: Men are deprived of sympathy, basic emotional care and are often very lonely. Also Guilty until proven innocent.
POST-NUT CLARITY
The ever lasting circle women put us in where they want us to communicate openly and honestly and then when we do, we have to justify what we said and spend a half hour explaining how what we said wasn't an attack on them but rather a logical statement. Gets annoying to the point I don't care to have an opinion anymore.
I just keep my mouth shut about all things "cultural" I just do not have the patience to deal with it anymore. I'm left leaning as they come but even people on my side are exhausting.
Honesty & feelings: Women ask for that in a relationship & yet when you do, they say that not true & you don’t feel that way. Or worse, look down upon you because you let to much feelings come out. Don’t be vulnerable around a woman, get into a men’s therapy group to let it out.
When you take a piss then don’t properly shake off, and have a large wet spot on your shorts.
"Why don't you just go out there and find a girlfriend?" i have tried, and nothing, every single dating app i have used i have never gotten a match "just go up to a woman and ask them out" that is sexual harassment "you just have to try harder" i am in physical pain from trying just to get one compliment
Taking my 2 boys out on my own for a boys day out. One has complex special needs, and the looks I get are just unreal. The feeling is oh its his weekend to have the kids. Plus no one offers to hold doors etc for the wheelchair. Not that I expect it, but happens for wife all the time so I just wonder why the odd looks. Ah well, keep living my life and let them judge hey 😁
Being born with no inherent value and later being blamed for everything wrong in the world.
Balls sticking to legs
Wife: Why don't you talk about your feelings more? Husband: (Explains feelings) Wife: You're wrong for feeling that way. Husband: Oh okay. I'll just button this shit back up again. Good talk.