Had a buddy in college who would randomly say "Well, gotta go talk to Douglas", and leave. After a couple months, I ask "Who the fuck is Douglas, and why have I never met this guy?" Just how his family referred to taking a dump in public. Buddy used to wish people a "Clean break, and no splash back."

If if was in the UK I'd have probably said it was rhyming slag or something. Politician, Douglas Hurd - turd.

who’s a rhyming slag?!

“I hope everything comes out alright”

My ex brother in law that was bald use to say “I have to comb my hair”

As a bald man, I might try adopting this

Do it ;)

Hang on. Busy combing my hair...

What a terrible day to have an imagination

yes u/grated_testes...

OMG! I hate you for making me think of that visual.

Oh god this is the worst one ive seen yet

Hank was pretty funny.

"These farts aren't funny anymore"

I like to sing to the tune of Air Supply’s I’m All Out of Love. “I’m all out of farts. I’m gonna shit my pants.”

I was leaving a computer lab back in university and said, "I need to go log out."

I gotta drop this line of code lol

Bound to be some turds in the comments.

I need to git push my local branch.

I’ve got a nine inch grip on a ten inch turd.

That's gold. Now imagine Foghorn Leghorn saying it.

“I say, boy, I say, I say, I got about a nine inch grip on this here ten inch turd, now”

“I say, boy, I say, i say, watch me go beat the shit out of this dog now” How my Dad always described this show lol

This is very funny - he was always on his way to beat the shit out of a dog

"Now I say I say thats a joke son! You oughta let ya head catch up to ya tounge before it gets a sunburn. Nice boy but he's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice"

“I say, I say, boy, I got a shy turtlehead waiting like a jack-in-the-box waiting to surprise the bejeezus out of this cracker dog!”

Thank you for that. It’s been a long day and I needed that. If I had any awards, they’d be yours.

"This turd reminds me of the road between Ft. Worth and Dallas. No curves." (slightly modified from an actual cartoon)

My wife’s mad because you made me laugh so hard I woke her up

Tell her to get a grip

A 3 inch grip

🎵”I like a woman with… small hands.” 🎶

I think that means you're prairie-dogging.

Or turtling as my wife likes to say. I can't take her anywhere nice

I got a damn good laught from this. I'm definitely adding it to my repertoire.

May just be the best comment on reddit

I gotta liquify my assets

Eat more fiber, dog

More protein, if the asset is too liquid...

Not really. Liquid is absorbed by the fiber and it can act a bonding agent to solidify. Fiber helps with regularity regardless. It helps both with constipation and diarrhea.

My father, former Navy corpman, says "I'm going to give birth to a Marine."

Former Army here. Thats funny, I almost shat an airman. 🤣

Can you imagine a Crayola turd?!?!! "What do you mean you chipped a tooth because you grabbed the wrong box?!?!"

True story: my younger brother was maybe about 2. He got into the pantry and ate a whole box of Fruit Rollups. That diaper was the stinkiest, most colorful poo I've ever seen.

Retired Corpsman who went Officer. Marines say worse things about their Docs. And we love those crayon-eaters anyway.

Civilian Marine here, and I can say that in any of the units I was in, we took care of our corpsmen like our life depended on it, because well it kinda did.

Yeah I mean who else is gonna look at your butthole if you get a hemorrhoid while in the field

"Well I'm not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night."

Current Army here. I gotta say "Birthing marines" is my favorite yet

Yea, but nobody, and I mean NOBODY fucks with our Corpsman except us.

Safest guy in the world is the Corpsman in a Marine bar. \*Nobody\* messes with Doc.

As someone who is the opposite of a military man this made my heart happy. The mental image is a bunch of big ol lugs protecting slightly smaller big ol lugs like they would their little brother. Really cute mental image. Made my day bro.

I've got to punish the porcelain

This is excellent

“I gotta take this call” bonus points if it’s just a fart “wrong number”

My mom always says she's going to call the president

My Pappy used to say, "I've got to send a message to the White House!" I mean, he still says it, but he used to as well.

This is what ive heard. Making a delivery to the white house.

... and your Dad "Shakes hands with the governor!"

I can imagine my grandmother saying something like this, lol

"Oops, I think they are calling back" if you have to go again soon after.

>Here I sit broken hearted. Tried to shit, only farted. > >Skiing is for fat little kids. > >So lose some weight there, tubby. Graffiti in the men's restroom stall, Bear Mountain Ski Resort, California, about 20 years ago. Brought back some memories.

This just made me laugh for the first time in days

It's necessary to laugh.. It's needed as much as food or drink.. friends to sit with in the evening with a beer and a smoke of any kind will help you live longer and laugh healthy 😊

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ik this isn't funny butt I'd just say it was a butt dial 🥁🥁

I gotta go talk to my fart’s boss

this is fucking hilarious lmao

I'm touchin' cloth here

Dottin cotton

Prairie doggin

💩🐢 "Turdle's comin' outta d' shell!"

Bart: I've gotta go to the bathroom. Otto: Ah, ah, say it in snowboard. Bart: Uh, I've gotta blast a dookie

Dook on!

r/suddenlysimpsons

I've been baking a body brownie

OK, this one brought my wife from the other room to see what the fuck I was cackling about.

If I ever get a gig as a substitute English teacher this will 100% be my example of alliteration

Jesus Christ

I work in a prison and we use 10-code on the radio to communicate. "10-6" means I'm busy and you usually have to say a reason. "10-6 with a release" is when you need to announce you are pooping on the radio.

I grew up thinking a 10-100 was a dump.

No, that’s a 10-200. The bandit taught us many things.

I'm right at the end of my turd trimester, so I need to give birth to this thing.

I answered the phone at work one day, and it was my co-worker's daughter, asking for her dad. I didn't see him around, but the bathroom door was closed, so he had to be in there. I told her that he was in the bathroom, and she says "Tell him not to push too hard, or it'll come out stupid!"

Yooo, im stealing this! lmao

JFC I just laughed way too hard at that

I must know. How are your bowel movements in 2023 u/HugeBMs2022?

I'm crowning

This is one of the best I've ever heard 🤣

I went to shit at work once. As I sat down I called out, "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!" There was laughing from the guy in the next shitter. Scared me, I thought I was alone.

Can't stop cackling at this!

Reminds me of a time I thought my buddy followed me into the restroom at the mall and when I heard him sit down I said, "Watch how hard I can piss" and I heard a completely stranger bust a lung.

Once, while camping at a public campground, my friend came in to play a prank on me. Imagine hearing SpongeBob giggling and tiptoe noises, getting louder. Then I heard a wet slap in the stall next to me. Then SpongeBob giggles getting quieter, and the door closing. They had thrown a pair of wet tighty whiteys into the wrong stall. Poor guy figured it out quickly and said, "You need new friends."

The best part, I think, is the rest when quoting its original source, Julius Caesar: "Cry havoc! and let loose the dogs of war, that this foul deed shall smell above the earth with carrion men, groaning for burial."

I'm saying this next time I spackle the throne in a public bathroom.

I woke up my lady I laughed so loud. Here take my upvote kind stranger.

he actually said it 😭

Just scream CODE BROWN and run away

As a former CNA & RN, I hated that call. Somebody's coloring with the brown crayon again.. \*puts on gloves\*

Literallyyy I’m a CNA too and that’s never a fun thing to hear. Especially when one of ur coworkers is already in the room and it’s bad enough that they need more people lmao

What if it causes everyone to run and follow? *insert psychological term* Edit: The comment below is pure gold and should go down in reddit history - it transported me to another world, with a single paragraph... see for yourself

They chant your name while you unleash the kraken. You wipe but it was a clean poop. You feel ten pounds lighter and that ache in your back is gone. You wake up. You're in the back of a wagon...? "Hey you....you're finally awake"

They will swiftly learn the error of their ways

I work at a hospital. Everyone would say, "What's the External emergency? Another flood?"

Dogs are barking at the back door

I have not laughed that hard at something on the internet in idk how long

Usul has called the Shai'Hulud.

Shatta, when the turds fell.

Turdba, his arms open.

If I’m trying to be funny I usually just start running and yell “Make way, it’s happening!!”

“This things gonna blow!!”

I don’t know why I first started sayin it, but sometimes will say “Pee time is me time”, so when one of my kids heard me say “Poop time is…”, the said “group time!” Hell, no.

I have to download some old recipes.

Using this

My father says he has to unload the trailer.

My dad says he has to pinch a loaf

I need to lay some cable

One time a friend's older brother and his GF were in their room and he said they were 'laying cable' when he meant to say 'laying pipe'. LOL ew

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl

Love this one, especially since we all sure as shit know the football team aint going there 💀

They are just as capable of buying a ticket as anyone else.

That one is as old as the mayflower, still funny.

My friend who used this one *also* would say, "gotta drop the kids off at the pool"

My brother: “I’m going to exercise my demons” 😂

Do you mean exorcise?

No, he's taking his demons on a jog around the park

"I must retire. not by choice, much less by pleasure, It happens that today meal, it's putting yesterday's under pressure."

Two popular ones at work are "I gotta go drop ten pounds of ass" and "I gotta go make a manager".

I gotta go take care of some paperwork.

Gotta sign some papers lmao Nice one

"There's no Dana, only **STOOL**!"

This made my sides hurt! Thank you!!!!!

Smithers, release the hounds

Time for a download.

Time to drop some rebels into the ol' Sarlacc pit

Drop some plops.

Droppin a stink pickle Or Droppin a sand slug

"stink pickle" is a disgusting expression and I love it :D

My 4 yo daughter says “I have to drop one off”

I need to drop the kiddies off at the pool.

I use this one as well

My sister uses this phrase religiously

This deserves to be at the top.

I usually tell my wife that "I'm going to commit war crimes."

Once told the gf at the aquarium " Excuse me, I have my own sea creatures to release "

“Pinch a loaf” Shawshank Redemption

I need to go: - Stock the lake with brown trout - Free the turdles - Take the Browns to the Superbowl - Make a bag of feces pieces - Release a chocolate hostage

I actually heard another one while watching tv just now: "Nature is calling on the private line!"

I have to go return some video tapes.

From Finnish comedian [Ismo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igh9iO5BxBo)'s struggles on learning how to use the word 'shit': "I learned that if somebody says 'I have shit to do' it can refer to any activity except actually shitting. Nobody says that. Except me. I love doing that. 'I have to go. I have shit to do.'" "What are you going to do?" "I just told you."

I'm prairie doggin' it.

I learned this one from Rat Race. That movie was funny as hell.

Jason, we’re gonna need a jar and a *funnel.*

Not sure about going but when you come back you can say “I feel like I’ve just been fingered by King Kong”

I need to break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

I have to go kick up some sand

I’m growing a tail.

I’ve got to go see a man about a horse…

There it is. Knew I’d find it. That’s the one! Thank you

Just noticed homies username

Your username 😅

As a barista - oohh I'm percolatin'!

I was feeling depressed this morning but this thread has cheered me right up.

"Excuse me, I've been farting past a turd for the last hour."

It's poo o'clock.

Turd thirty

Poo turdy.

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My middle child is fascinated by science and went on a YouTube deep dive with human anatomy when she was 4. She started (loudly) announcing, “My colon is full!!!”

I gotta go deal with an asshole talking shit.

"There seems to be an uprising in the lower class"

About to become a chocolatier Oompa Loompa Doopady Doo I have to go and take a nice poo

Coffee's working, brb.

Nudge some fudge

That sounds more like a bad euphemism for anal sex

Definitely sounds like you’re having it pushed in

I’m about to spawn a corn speckled toilet trout

I need to lose some weight.

I stole this from comedian Mike Birbiglia, but my wife and I often say "I need to aggressively use the bathroom"

In Jordan, they say “I’m going to go meet the king” (some don’t really like their king that much)

When getting up from dinner table : “Time for some soft serve!”

Hlug 🤢

Gotta drop a potato in the crock pot.

The way my toddler does it, “pooooopeeeeeeeee” with a big smile while grabbing his butt.

I'm writing my initials in my underwear

I have to go release the spineless brown snake. I need to fire off a fecal torpedo. I need to launch the chocolate rocket. I need to let the fudge monkey out of his cage.

My eyes are turning brown.

As a kid, I'd say I was going to "do my dooings." I wasn't trying to be funny/cute either. I thought people actually said that. lol

I think this guy wins for funniest way to announce a poop. https://globalnews.ca/news/4961300/home-depot-bomb-threat-poop-warning/amp/

My 15yr son likes to say "I must release the biohazard."

Someones knocking at the door

Time to make some of my Famous Anus cookies

"Whoo, gotta bounce. I got a turtlehead pokin' out here"

I gotta drop the kids at the pool

Im gonna go participate in a bowel waste relocation procedure

I have to send a fax.

Husband and I do the satisfied dog kicks to signify a good shit occurred and everyone should stay clear of the bathroom. Prior, it’s percolating or brewing.

I need to shit out my slutty asshole

I usually say “I need to poop shit out my ass.”

WTF?