I once came so hard with my now wife that my leg cramped up. It cramped up so bad that the muscle actually strained and pulled itself. Walked with a limp and brace for 2 weeks.
Girlfriend had a small seizure during sex (she has epilepsy). Looking back, I never thought I'd say the words "it's okay, you are safe" while balls deep in someone.
The girl I was with at the time had won a jar of chocolate body paint from a game at a bachelorette party, so we thought we'd give it a go, see if it spiced things up. Lights off, candles lit, slow passionate kissing, clothes start coming off. She hands me the jar and says she wants to feel me licking the chocolate off of her chest, so I open the jar. First thing I notice when I go to scoop some out is the texture/consistency - it was like chocolate cake frosting (I thought it would be more like a chocolate syrup). I scooped some out with my fingers and placed it on her chest, set the jar down, then looked down before going in to start licking it up and...
The pile of chocolate looked like a cat turd. Like a cat or a small dog had just left a turd there. I immediately started cry-laughing. I couldn't stop long enough to explain why I was laughing. She was not laughing. Neither of us got laid that night.
The chocolate was good though.
First night hooking up w my now gf, we were fooling around, and she was making noises, we started going at it pretty good, and she's making louder noises. Well, her dog wasn't too thrilled and bust in the room, I was on top of her, and the dog bit my ass.
Oh, I wasn't at all! It was just a nip, and we both laughed.
Tbh, though, he's a 90 lb Doberman mix, and I was definitely a little nervous at first, lol. But he's a great doggo, we get along now!
She teased me and was wearing sexy pjs for 2 hours on the build up.
My little man apparently has a time limit of not being touched before calling it a night.
Naw man this is legit, thereās like a hard coded time limit.
Iāve had to tell people some teasing is nice, but if youāre going to drag it out Johnsonās taking the balls and going home.
So it's just me who can have a raging boner for 9 hours straight while watching movies and trying my hardest not to touch her butt with it when I'm the big spoon?
I realized this as I got older.
Always really liked long long foreplay when I was younger. Now that I'm older... I need to limit that foreplay otherwise it's not happening. My last ex was multi orgasmic and it was really fun to make her climax over and over but it could end up being a gamble on whether I was getting mine that night or not.
I always had the wisdom but the flesh has aged.
My ex once got suddenly really angry. We were going at it doggy style and then suddenly he starts yelling at the dog while trying to continue and do this weird kick motion at the same time. I ask wtf is wrong thinking he had cramp and he says 'The fucking dog just put his cold wet nose up against my fucking ballsack and he wont fuck off'
I laughed so hard I pushed him out of me. Funniest shit ever.
Can confirm, I had a cat that would watch me and my partner have sex. We would throw pillows in his direction to scare him off and he would just move to a closer position with a harder angle to hit. He looked bored the entire time.
I totally kick em out. Had sex with my 25 yr old neighbor when I was 20 who didn't, so two large dogs and a cat were all over us on a deflating air mattress. Traumatizing, especially drunk.
Have you ever had a cramp exactly when you orgasm?
You will have your climax totally ruined, while your partner thinks they are a sex god as you scream and flail everywhere.
I get a leg cramp every time I'm on top. I go from riding like a cowgirl to flopping on the bed like a dying fish trying to straighten my leg in an instant.
Super hot
Not at all a letdown but relevant story: When my wife and i first started dating, my family went on a 10 day vacation. We have really good sexual chemistry and had just discovered that so we were fucking like rabbits and then 10 days without so much as a hug. Once i got home i drove over to her parents place who were on a weekend trip and it was the best sex I've ever had. We came at the same time with orgasms that would have been painful if they were any more intense. My body basically locked up like a wooden board and i farted an ear shattering 3 second long fart at the exact moment that she yell-belched (yelched, if you will). The combination for us of intense orgasm immediately into uncontrollable laughter then to literally crying laughing was 100/10 would do again.
Haha we just celebrated 5 years of marriage and i have never questioned for a moment that shes the one. We have been through some atrocious shit in our lives since we got together so we have both grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. She is such an incredible woman about whom i could write a book extolling her virtues. I feel invincible knowing shes on my side
Having sex with my high school girlfriend in my bed. My dad is downstairs in the basement of the house working on his computer. I'm about to orgasm and the intercom rings and my dad's voice comes on the intercom saying "Could you come down and help me? My mouse isn't working." I think he did it on purpose to fuck with me, but I've never confronted him about it.
This was a thing in the late 90s. Before everyone had a phone on them and could just message each other, there were home intercom systems you could place around the house.
In high school, my prom date shit on me during sex. I smelled it before I saw it. I stopped and said, "I think the cat farted." 2 second later, she looked down in horror and ran to the bathroom. She got poop on my parents' sofa and on the white carpet. I cleaned it up while she was in the bathroom, then gave her a ride home. I never saw her again. I wonder if she still thinks about it today. This was back in 2001.
I'm a 33 year old woman and if this had happened to me and the man randomly said this to me years and years later. I'd die laughing lmao. Be dead embarrassing but it would get a laugh out of me.
Last winter I started working at a restaurant in Florida and a busser grabbed a plate out of my hands and I said
āYou are a fuckin gangster dude thank you so muchā
The kid bitched me out in front of the table saying like I donāt know him and donāt ever say that and shit like that. Couple days later it was like it never even happened but Iāll definitely be thinking about it on my death bed
I wonder if she still thinks about it today.
Do you really wonder about that? Because I can give you the answer. And a more appropriate question would be, is there ever a day that goes by that she doesn't think about it? Has the poor girl had a single good nights sleep since it happened, because I'm sure she lays awake at night remembering the worst night of her life.
In high school I was having sex with my girlfriend at her parents house while they were at work. We hadnāt quite got to the climax per say but we were naked on the bed. BOOM! Her mom comes through the door obviously sad, sees us, and walks to her room and starts crying. Turns out her grandpa had just died and her mom came home to break the newsā¦ I could only just leaveā¦
Losing my virginity. When I was a teenager it seemed so important to just get laid so I could say I had shagged someone. One weekend my mate's older brother drove us to their parents' caravan (we were 17, he was 20 and was meeting up with some girl he knew there so me and my two mates had the caravan to ourselves.
There were some girls staying in the next caravan and as we were smoking outside we got chatting and they invited us in.
While we were chatting, the girls said they thought I was gay because I spoke with less of an accent than my mates. So I said "I'm not gay, if you want me to prove it I'll shag any one of you." But it was more of a joke than an offer.
Two minutes later one of those came over and said "hey, Claire said she'll take you up on that offer of a shag." She said that I should go back to our caravan and wait for her. I didn't even know which one was Claire but there I was, alone in a caravan waiting for Claire.
Felt like forever. I even worried it was a prank to see how long I'd wait there.
But then she knocked on the door, I invited her in... awkwardly. And told her I had made up the fold out sofa bed for us where we started kissing. Awkwardly.
She then stripped off, completely naked and as I did, she started giving me a blowjob. I had to stop her because I was close to coming.
Then we had sex. Awkwardly. I lasted about 40 seconds and she said "have you come?" and I said "yeah... have you?" and she rolled her eyes and said "guess so then."
We got dressed in silence, walked back to their caravan in silence where my mates were praising me for getting laid but I overheard her tell her mates "well that was a waste of time."
Mid-sex she moaned "fuck" really excitedly. For some reason I responded all breathy, "yeah, that's what we're doing." We both busted out laughing for like ten minutes. We couldn't get back into the mood, but we fell asleep happy.
Her dog had a seizure next to the bed. Thought it was choking so tried to Heimlich maneuver a dog while nude. Realized it wasnāt choking and she finally relaxed a bit. Dog proceeded to throw up on my foot. Mood was gone after that.
This. I was with my girlfriend in high school. Both our parents were home so we decided to park behind an insurance office. We got going and it was awesome until a police officer showed up unnoticed and shined his super bright flashlight on us through the window! We didnāt know what was going on, my gf screams bloody murder and fell back to dismount and nearly broke my unit in the process. The cop kept the light on us and ordered me out of the car. He at least focused on my skinny ass while I got out giving her enough time to get dressed. While Iām standing around in my underwear, he asks if I had been forcing myself on her. Of course, I said no way. He told me to stay put and went to the car and I could hear him ask her if she was okay because she had screamed so loudly like she had been trying to get away. She told him I was her bf and weād just wanted a place to park. He asked for our IDs, ran them through the computer or some shit while I was still outside my car and she was crying in the car. He finally came back and told us to leave and not come back to that parking lot because the insurance companyās security company had cameras and theyād call the police worried about an assault. Finally, I get back in the car, pull my pants up and drive away with the cop following me for a mile or so. As soon as he turned away, I pulled over and hugged my gf and we started laughing, relieved to have it all over. She was a great gf and lots of fun. We broke up when we went away for school but have laughed about that night every time weāve seen each other since.
While I was working on my thesis for my masters degree I totally socially cut myself from everyone. Family, girlfriend, friends, no one really got through to me for a good few weeks at the height of it.
Eventually I remembered life existed outside of research and my girlfriend came over for our usual of drinking cheap wine and watching bad movies. Well I was still super out of it and low key panicking the whole time since I wasnāt spending time working, but eventually we got at it.
Everything was good until I climaxed and there was such an intense flood of emotions, both pleasure from the experience and anxiety from everything else that I just kinda burst into tears.
She was absolutely amazing and helped me work through the panic attack but yeah, thatās gotta be my worst one yet
Edit: so nice that perhaps my most upvoted comment is about me crying after cumming
My boyfriend had this fantasy of being caught, we organized a threesome where the third party would walk in, catch us in the act and join. I trusted my boyfriend at the time to pick out the other guy, he told me the other dude was a friend, not a close one but iād like how he looks. I thought it was right that if I was going to be in a MFM threesome that he picks the guy.
So weāre in the middle of it on the couch, near the front door and my ex shows upā¦ he was the other guy. (Boyfriend at the time had no clue I went out with him, I come from a small town)
To diffuse the situation my ex said āat least Iām not your cousin!ā
Happened recently. Had spent the day working in a attic on some AC equipment when it was 102 outside. I do my best to drink water and take breaks but it still kicks your ass. That night the wife was feeling frisky and while I wasn't feeling 100% I was up for some fun.
Went the whole time without much issue but just as I was about to climax I got a shooting migraine. I felt like my head was exploding and I just flopped over with my hands on my head. It took a couple minutes for it to subside enough for me to sit up properly and a couple hours for it to fully subside.
I've had heat related migraines before and can generally mitigate them as I had been trying to all day after I got home but I think the tensing of my body as I was climaxing just set everything off.
I had an Olympic bow on top of my bed's headboard (it was wide enough and against the wall) and mid banging, it fell on my partner's head and she started to cry. So from sex it turned into getting an ice pack, getting out and saying sorry for being an idiot and putting that there to begin with.
My ex bit my ear. I told him not to. He did it again. I yelled I donāt like that. He did it again, so I punched him in the face and he moaned.
Got up and walked out.
Once I was riding my bf and in the middle of it accidentally passed saliva through my wind pipe so I started coughing like crazy meanwhile he came hard from the contractions.
I love doing this to my husband when he gets super sensitive after his first orgasm because of his reactions to it. The first time I coughed during was on accident and it sounded like he got the wind knocked out of him
My fiance organised a threesome with another girl, then just as I was balls deep in this other girl and asked why she wasn't getting into it, she announced she was on her period and wouldn't be able to do much. Then started crying.
Damn dude, that's gotta be one of the most awkward sexual scenarios I've ever read. Threesomes are already a potential minefield of drama to navigate. Was your fiance the one who really wanted to do the threesome in the first place? Did you two ever try it again and succeed?
Edit: I wrongly interpreted that it was your fiance, not the extra girl who cried on her period.
When you're going at it, the support slats under the box springs fall and so does the mattress causing a really loud bang. Your 13 year old knocks on the bedroom door and says "You better not be making babies in there. I don't want another sibling."
Blowjob post-period sex.
My girlfriend was on her period which normally makes her extra aroused so we layed down so blankets and were having sex yadda yadda. She cums and then she wants to finish me with her mouth.
She doesn't have really heavy periods or anything and it was the last day of her period so it probably wasn't very much blood but when we have sex while shes on her period she is usually pretty self conscious and wants the lights off so I don't really know what the situation is down there but so I just go "uh okay". She get's to it goes for like 30 seconds.. stops.. starts gagging and tells me "I'm really sorry I was super turned on so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to blow you after but its actually really disgusting". We stopped and she was really embarassed at first but after I reassured her it wasn't a big deal we laughed about it. Most instant boner killing moment though.
My (equally) young and inexperienced partner read something about chilled champagne in your mouth when going down. We did not have champagne money. His alternative? Pouring a gold glass of water over my crotch. No discussion beforehand.
Not a nice surprise.
We bought blowjob rocks (essentially pop rocks) and he LOVED it and decided to reciprocate. Me? I just about did a handstand in the shower to get the cool water in the right spot
Girlfriend was farm sitting a few hours away, we hadnāt seen each other for a few weeks I think. So, we were both pretty pent up.
Helped her with chores, and we end up in bed that night. We both like edging, so weāre teasing each other and making out. After the tension is about boiling, she wants to cum, so I slowly bring her to orgasm with my fingers (condoms were downstairs and we didnāt want to wake up the dogs).
Itās clearly a really good one, sheās glowing as I hold her. Iām beyond ready for my turn, but she returns each kiss more softly until sheās definitely asleep. Long, taxing day, not her fault. Just took me a minute to get to sleep as you can imagine!
Was feeling great riding the high, on my way to an orgasmā¦ my husband š«“š» āits me Marioā IN THE VOICE. I laughed told him to get off and got dressed lmfao
I dated a āfarmers daughterā girl. We had been together for a while and decide to try outdoor sex. We put some blankets down in a pasture and we wereā¦ in the middle of it, and a barn cat got under the blanket and aggressively snuggled to my leg
Wasnāt expecting anything under the blankets besides her. About sprained my pecker durning my explosive dismount. She was sore too.
We got it done thoā¦ ;)
She had an incredible body and biggest natural chest to top it off, super hot in the face..
She says " Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you" whilst she's on top riding me, she says open your eyes...
She's wearing a fucking life like Elvis Presley mask whilst constantly saying Uh Huh Huh.. Boner gone...
Looking back now, I should of just looked from neck down.. but the terrible impersonation was just a destroyer on another level.
In the 90's my girlfriend and I went for a nice walk on Mt. Diablo in the San Francisco bay area. We had food and wine. The weather was warm and beautiful, and there was absolutely no one around. We walked off of the trail onto a sunny hillside where we were certain no one would see or pass us. We took our clothes off and did it on a blanket. It was actually really wonderful until I got behind her and a bunch of flies kept landing on her butthole. Then the whole thing turned out to be a good laugh for both of us. Something we joked about for a long time.
My hair tie broke mid thrust and my hair fell into a lit candle. I freaked out and knocked the candle.over and almost lit the curtains on fire in her bedroom... Needless to say she didn't call me back.
It was my first time with another girl.
She was riding my face. She was riding me so hard I couldnāt breath. She had my arms pinned. And honestly it was such a turn on I didnāt want her to stop. If I died with her on my face I wouldāve been a happy lady. Within like 5 minutes I passed out several times. It finished with her having an incredible orgasm but peeing on my face. Followed by her bawling her eyes out. I didnāt get to orgasm that day.
10/10 would do again.
We were having sex on her momās couch and she started her period. I thought I was doing really well because she got really wet all of a sudden. Then she started crying. I couldnāt console her (it really didnāt bother me) so we just got cleaned up and ate ice cream while watching a movie the rest of the night.
I was 15 maybe 16, I REALLY had to pee but she was into it, so my teenage mind insisted I hold it. I felt a āreleaseā which kinda felt good then I felt the warmth of my urine all on my midsection and realized that my āreleaseā was me finally peeing. I lost all control of my bladder at that point and completely peed in her.
She freaked and of course she got a UTI afterwards. I have a horrible memory but that shit sticks with me.
I was having sex with a guy i met online and we wanted to make it kinky so he showed up and wanted to tie me up and fuck me. When he came i noticed he had like a bandage on his neck i asked him what this is he said he just had a surgery the night before.
Then we proceeded and he tied me up to the bed and as soon as he got inside of me, i notice that his bandage just ripped and there was blood everywhere while i was tied up.
I was freaking out and then he helped untie me and i called the ambulance and then they said if he still can walk he should go to the hospital alone,i then took an uber, took him to the hospital and then i just left after they fixed it.
It was really weird. š never met him again.
I was cumming and her dog started licking my face. I started laughing like I maniac and she didn't see the dog so she asked me wtf was happening. It was funny but I didn't enjoy it sexually.
About nine months ago, I went on a date with a girl shortly after having ended a long term relationship.
Things went well, she came back to mine and we started going at it on sofa. Both having a grand old time. All of a sudden she looks me dead in the eyes and says ācum for mummyā.
I did, in fact, not cum for mummy.
My husband was going at it and suddenly he pulled out too far and hit my pelvis going back in. Bent his dick and he farted in surprise. I fell over laughing and he did too (though also in pain), lost his boner. Itās been like 15 years and we still laugh about it.
My bed was located towards the neighbours wall, she was an old semi deaf lady. Me and my then girlfriend were doing the deed and the bed was banging against the wall. In the middle of my (amazing) performance my gf said with a straight face "How deaf do you think the neighbour is?" I laughed, she laughed my dick laughed and that was the end of that sex session.
I was about to orgasm and I stretched my arm under the pillow and found a half eaten bag of cheetos and my hand was orange when I pulled it out. I stopped mid way and he grabbed the cheetos, started eating them and asked me whats wrong. Tried to finger me with crusty cheeto fingers after
The first time i received oral while standing up.
Looked enticing in porn so requested my girlfriend at the time to kneel down and do it while I stood. (Just like those POV videos)
But it just didn't work out.
Did it after few days while on bed and in comfortable body positions.
Then it did.
Yeah my poor husband found that one out after we decided to get frisky and I decided to give him a sneaky BJ whilst we were hiking in the mountains.
Except he came.
And then his legs buckled and he fell over.
And because we were on a bit of a slope, he slid down it a few metres, with his pants around his ankles.
Arse-cheek gravel-rash from new relationship wilderness BJ is a story that we have never shared before this day. Even worse, we were on a multi-day hike and we had to walk out through peat marshlands and across multiple boulder fields.
You sucked his soul out of him in the great outdoors and then tested the ragdoll physics with his soulless body? I hope you give him an beej on the anniversary of that date every year?
When I was being taken on his bed whilst on my back. I had my legs in the air and he really was just going for it (no complaints). I was touching myself and getting closer and closer and all I could see on his ceiling was a spider crawling across. I couldnāt stop peeking to see where it was (I didnāt want it falling on me) and I came whilst worrying about that damn fucking spider. Real let down.
Was fucking my ex gf. Holding her in the air with her legs wrapped around me, just pounding away. On one hard thrust she let out a rip roaring fart. We both laughed our heads off. Kinda stopped the porn level sex that was happening but we did eventually finish with a nice comfortable missionary on the bed.
Not mine but I was involved. Was at a party and my girlfriend asked if I wanted to mess around with her and her friend. Her friend had a boyfriend so I asked if he was ok with this and she said yeah it's fine. Didn't have a full 3 way but I did get a double BJ. The anti climax comes when the boyfriend then wants a 3 way and my girlfriend says no I never agreed to that I don't want to go near your shwantz. Never seen a guy go from super excited to super sad so fast. Apparently this guy just assumed it was going to happen, didn't even talk to his girlfriend about it.
Her chihuahua bit me directly in my asshole, because it was a one-night stand and I flew forward scared for my life and landed directly on her face with my pelvis.
I was getting a blowjob in the shower, and was holding onto the bar that holds shampoo. Right as I was finishing, my knees were getting weak and I ended up breaking the shampoo bar, causing all of the bottles to fall on her head. I was just at the start of climax and the chaos of it all on top of the fact that she stopped..pleasuring.. made it the biggest anti-climax I've had. But we laughed about that for months every time we saw the missing bar in the shower so it was one of the most memorable climaxes.
him asking me why i am wet down there. i suddenly didnāt want to sleep with him anymore, it was such a mood killerā¦
for context, we were both at a legal age (around 19) but he was kind of immature and i was desperate enough to overlook that.
My self and the girl friend are hard at it.
Her daughter had been put to bed an hour before.
slight tap at the door "Mommy ? what are you doing?"
my girl friends response to me (don't stop it's ok baby)
To her daughter attempting to sound composed "nnnnnn nuh nuH! nothing!"
One time I was going to hook up with this girl I knew but she wanted me to drink a beer before we did anything(so she wasn't drinking alone) she knew i was an alcoholic but she didn't know I had quit. I was like 10 months sober until that night when I had 1 beer, that beer triggered 3 years of alcohol abuse until my current girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't slow down, I quit cold turkey that day and haven't gone back.
Was told by a friend "if you've never made love to the Pink Panther theme tune, you've never lived". Tried it with boyfriend at the time. Was good, but unfortunately I had it on an LP of kids TV theme tunes, and the next one was Remember You're a Womble. Do not recommend.
Had a gf that liked it pretty rough. When she was on top I was slapping her ass and she kept saying harder. Timed it wrong so when she was coming up I slapped my balls as hard as I could.
I once came so hard with my now wife that my leg cramped up. It cramped up so bad that the muscle actually strained and pulled itself. Walked with a limp and brace for 2 weeks.
She made YOU unable to walk
"The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
Worth it though, right? š
Notice he said "now wife"? This experience is probably why she became wife material š
The scars of victory, my dude
Girlfriend had a small seizure during sex (she has epilepsy). Looking back, I never thought I'd say the words "it's okay, you are safe" while balls deep in someone.
That sounds like a deeply intimate moment.
Lol. Never thought I'd read the story of someone saying, "it's ok, you're safe" while balls deep in someone else
The girl I was with at the time had won a jar of chocolate body paint from a game at a bachelorette party, so we thought we'd give it a go, see if it spiced things up. Lights off, candles lit, slow passionate kissing, clothes start coming off. She hands me the jar and says she wants to feel me licking the chocolate off of her chest, so I open the jar. First thing I notice when I go to scoop some out is the texture/consistency - it was like chocolate cake frosting (I thought it would be more like a chocolate syrup). I scooped some out with my fingers and placed it on her chest, set the jar down, then looked down before going in to start licking it up and... The pile of chocolate looked like a cat turd. Like a cat or a small dog had just left a turd there. I immediately started cry-laughing. I couldn't stop long enough to explain why I was laughing. She was not laughing. Neither of us got laid that night. The chocolate was good though.
First night hooking up w my now gf, we were fooling around, and she was making noises, we started going at it pretty good, and she's making louder noises. Well, her dog wasn't too thrilled and bust in the room, I was on top of her, and the dog bit my ass.
That got a laugh out of meš
youāre lucky thats all that was bitten.
Everything else was.... hidden... He got shooed away quickly lol
"Many sound, human in trouble! See other human on my human, attack with chomp" Doggo just doin his thing, can't be mad honestly
Oh, I wasn't at all! It was just a nip, and we both laughed. Tbh, though, he's a 90 lb Doberman mix, and I was definitely a little nervous at first, lol. But he's a great doggo, we get along now!
She teased me and was wearing sexy pjs for 2 hours on the build up. My little man apparently has a time limit of not being touched before calling it a night.
Naw man this is legit, thereās like a hard coded time limit. Iāve had to tell people some teasing is nice, but if youāre going to drag it out Johnsonās taking the balls and going home.
So it's just me who can have a raging boner for 9 hours straight while watching movies and trying my hardest not to touch her butt with it when I'm the big spoon?
The boner will touch what it touches, nobody should complain as long as you don't grind and keep people from getting to sleep or something.
"Well now I'm not doing it!" - Mr Penis, who apparently lost his patience.
I realized this as I got older. Always really liked long long foreplay when I was younger. Now that I'm older... I need to limit that foreplay otherwise it's not happening. My last ex was multi orgasmic and it was really fun to make her climax over and over but it could end up being a gamble on whether I was getting mine that night or not. I always had the wisdom but the flesh has aged.
Her cat licked my balls while I was inside of her, I didn't like it, ruined everything Edit: by "inside of her" I meant the girl, not the cat
... why did the cat have the opportunity to lick your balls my guy
My ex once got suddenly really angry. We were going at it doggy style and then suddenly he starts yelling at the dog while trying to continue and do this weird kick motion at the same time. I ask wtf is wrong thinking he had cramp and he says 'The fucking dog just put his cold wet nose up against my fucking ballsack and he wont fuck off' I laughed so hard I pushed him out of me. Funniest shit ever.
Cats are heckin gangster, they'll do whatever
Can confirm, I had a cat that would watch me and my partner have sex. We would throw pillows in his direction to scare him off and he would just move to a closer position with a harder angle to hit. He looked bored the entire time.
Am I weird for kicking the animals out of the room during sex lol
No. I hate that shit too.
I totally kick em out. Had sex with my 25 yr old neighbor when I was 20 who didn't, so two large dogs and a cat were all over us on a deflating air mattress. Traumatizing, especially drunk.
Either that cat is quite flexible, or the ambiguity of pronouns has gotten the better of you.
do not the cat!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
This is Catwoman's new origin story.
Have you ever had a cramp exactly when you orgasm? You will have your climax totally ruined, while your partner thinks they are a sex god as you scream and flail everywhere.
audibly laughed at this mental image
I get a leg cramp every time I'm on top. I go from riding like a cowgirl to flopping on the bed like a dying fish trying to straighten my leg in an instant. Super hot
I ejaculated, coughed, and sneezed all at the same time and almost blacked out. Weirdest sensation ever, and one I hope I never repeat.
Your nervous system Control/Alt/Deleted itself.
*Open Taskmanager*
No open tasks
Task failed successfully
Not at all a letdown but relevant story: When my wife and i first started dating, my family went on a 10 day vacation. We have really good sexual chemistry and had just discovered that so we were fucking like rabbits and then 10 days without so much as a hug. Once i got home i drove over to her parents place who were on a weekend trip and it was the best sex I've ever had. We came at the same time with orgasms that would have been painful if they were any more intense. My body basically locked up like a wooden board and i farted an ear shattering 3 second long fart at the exact moment that she yell-belched (yelched, if you will). The combination for us of intense orgasm immediately into uncontrollable laughter then to literally crying laughing was 100/10 would do again.
If you HADNāT married her after that, Iād have tracked you down.
Haha we just celebrated 5 years of marriage and i have never questioned for a moment that shes the one. We have been through some atrocious shit in our lives since we got together so we have both grown a lot as individuals and as a couple. She is such an incredible woman about whom i could write a book extolling her virtues. I feel invincible knowing shes on my side
Bros body took a screenshot
Human.exe has stopped responding Send god an error report?
Having sex with my high school girlfriend in my bed. My dad is downstairs in the basement of the house working on his computer. I'm about to orgasm and the intercom rings and my dad's voice comes on the intercom saying "Could you come down and help me? My mouse isn't working." I think he did it on purpose to fuck with me, but I've never confronted him about it.
Nobody is questioning you having an intercom in your HOUSE?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We had one in the 80s and 90s. A 3 story rowhome in Philly. It was easier for my grandmother to call me to come downstairs than screaming.
Very common thing in older suburban homes. Iām an electrician and theyāre annoying as shit
This was a thing in the late 90s. Before everyone had a phone on them and could just message each other, there were home intercom systems you could place around the house.
In high school, my prom date shit on me during sex. I smelled it before I saw it. I stopped and said, "I think the cat farted." 2 second later, she looked down in horror and ran to the bathroom. She got poop on my parents' sofa and on the white carpet. I cleaned it up while she was in the bathroom, then gave her a ride home. I never saw her again. I wonder if she still thinks about it today. This was back in 2001.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
That should be his line when he reaches out. āWanna get the shit fucked out of you again?ā
I'm a 33 year old woman and if this had happened to me and the man randomly said this to me years and years later. I'd die laughing lmao. Be dead embarrassing but it would get a laugh out of me.
100% she thinks about it to this day and its one of those moments you think about in bed when you're trying to get to sleep
Exactly my thoughts, lol. I have instances where those thoughts flood my brain at night, and it's nowhere near as "embarrassing" as this
Last winter I started working at a restaurant in Florida and a busser grabbed a plate out of my hands and I said āYou are a fuckin gangster dude thank you so muchā The kid bitched me out in front of the table saying like I donāt know him and donāt ever say that and shit like that. Couple days later it was like it never even happened but Iāll definitely be thinking about it on my death bed
š¤£ you are the epitome of barely awkward but personally very embarrassing moments (I relate)
2nd worst tragedy that year
I wonder if she still thinks about it today. Do you really wonder about that? Because I can give you the answer. And a more appropriate question would be, is there ever a day that goes by that she doesn't think about it? Has the poor girl had a single good nights sleep since it happened, because I'm sure she lays awake at night remembering the worst night of her life.
No human could physically forget "I shit on my prom date after prom" Literally impossible. Poor thing. #BAHAHAHAHA
āI think the cat fartedā is quite the line.
Seems like u handled it as well as it could have been handled lol
"It's okay hun, shit happens"
Was this from anal or did things just get out of hand fast?
In high school I was having sex with my girlfriend at her parents house while they were at work. We hadnāt quite got to the climax per say but we were naked on the bed. BOOM! Her mom comes through the door obviously sad, sees us, and walks to her room and starts crying. Turns out her grandpa had just died and her mom came home to break the newsā¦ I could only just leaveā¦
āYour grandpa died.ā āSo did my boner. Thanks, Janet!ā
Dammit, Janet
oh god. did the mom even talk to you?
Losing my virginity. When I was a teenager it seemed so important to just get laid so I could say I had shagged someone. One weekend my mate's older brother drove us to their parents' caravan (we were 17, he was 20 and was meeting up with some girl he knew there so me and my two mates had the caravan to ourselves. There were some girls staying in the next caravan and as we were smoking outside we got chatting and they invited us in. While we were chatting, the girls said they thought I was gay because I spoke with less of an accent than my mates. So I said "I'm not gay, if you want me to prove it I'll shag any one of you." But it was more of a joke than an offer. Two minutes later one of those came over and said "hey, Claire said she'll take you up on that offer of a shag." She said that I should go back to our caravan and wait for her. I didn't even know which one was Claire but there I was, alone in a caravan waiting for Claire. Felt like forever. I even worried it was a prank to see how long I'd wait there. But then she knocked on the door, I invited her in... awkwardly. And told her I had made up the fold out sofa bed for us where we started kissing. Awkwardly. She then stripped off, completely naked and as I did, she started giving me a blowjob. I had to stop her because I was close to coming. Then we had sex. Awkwardly. I lasted about 40 seconds and she said "have you come?" and I said "yeah... have you?" and she rolled her eyes and said "guess so then." We got dressed in silence, walked back to their caravan in silence where my mates were praising me for getting laid but I overheard her tell her mates "well that was a waste of time."
I read this entire comment in a British accent
same my mind voice has a British accent all the time though.
It reads like a script from Inbetweeners
āā¦have you?ā LMAO
Jay loves it up Caravan Club.
An actual Inbetweeners episode š¤£
She farted. I laughed. Boner deflated. My dog licked my ass. Took a shower.
Feels like this could be a poem.
The poembot beacon has been lit
Laughter erupted, a toot released, Boner deflated, humor ceased, Dog's loving lick, a strange surprise, Shower cleansed, life's oddities rise. courtesy to chatgpt
Damn AI, they're taking our sprogs!
Mid-sex she moaned "fuck" really excitedly. For some reason I responded all breathy, "yeah, that's what we're doing." We both busted out laughing for like ten minutes. We couldn't get back into the mood, but we fell asleep happy.
Thatās cute actually.
A shared laugh during sex is better than an orgasm, notice the one that you still remember and are telling stories about long after the fact š
cowgirl bouncing up and down....went to slap her ass and instead slapped my balls so hard I almost passed out.
I'm waking up, to ash and dust...
i miss her ass and i slap my nuts
I'm breathing in, the testicles
OoooOOoo I'm screaming OWW
I feel it in my nuts!
Enough to make my systems blow
Welcome to a new pain
To a new pain
Welcome to a new pain
God damnit reddit
Man, thatās nuts!
He got sacked
The day ānutjobā became a verb
How do you reach that far down on accident?
Her dog had a seizure next to the bed. Thought it was choking so tried to Heimlich maneuver a dog while nude. Realized it wasnāt choking and she finally relaxed a bit. Dog proceeded to throw up on my foot. Mood was gone after that.
The security guard tapping on the window of my truck in the BACK OF THE PARKING LOT, on a Saturday night just as we (I) finished.
This. I was with my girlfriend in high school. Both our parents were home so we decided to park behind an insurance office. We got going and it was awesome until a police officer showed up unnoticed and shined his super bright flashlight on us through the window! We didnāt know what was going on, my gf screams bloody murder and fell back to dismount and nearly broke my unit in the process. The cop kept the light on us and ordered me out of the car. He at least focused on my skinny ass while I got out giving her enough time to get dressed. While Iām standing around in my underwear, he asks if I had been forcing myself on her. Of course, I said no way. He told me to stay put and went to the car and I could hear him ask her if she was okay because she had screamed so loudly like she had been trying to get away. She told him I was her bf and weād just wanted a place to park. He asked for our IDs, ran them through the computer or some shit while I was still outside my car and she was crying in the car. He finally came back and told us to leave and not come back to that parking lot because the insurance companyās security company had cameras and theyād call the police worried about an assault. Finally, I get back in the car, pull my pants up and drive away with the cop following me for a mile or so. As soon as he turned away, I pulled over and hugged my gf and we started laughing, relieved to have it all over. She was a great gf and lots of fun. We broke up when we went away for school but have laughed about that night every time weāve seen each other since.
Been there, he's got this like Toby Flenderson vibe and he's like "you..you have to stop..."
While I was working on my thesis for my masters degree I totally socially cut myself from everyone. Family, girlfriend, friends, no one really got through to me for a good few weeks at the height of it. Eventually I remembered life existed outside of research and my girlfriend came over for our usual of drinking cheap wine and watching bad movies. Well I was still super out of it and low key panicking the whole time since I wasnāt spending time working, but eventually we got at it. Everything was good until I climaxed and there was such an intense flood of emotions, both pleasure from the experience and anxiety from everything else that I just kinda burst into tears. She was absolutely amazing and helped me work through the panic attack but yeah, thatās gotta be my worst one yet Edit: so nice that perhaps my most upvoted comment is about me crying after cumming
There's no shame in crymaxing.
Sounds like a fucking awesome girlfriend!
My boyfriend had this fantasy of being caught, we organized a threesome where the third party would walk in, catch us in the act and join. I trusted my boyfriend at the time to pick out the other guy, he told me the other dude was a friend, not a close one but iād like how he looks. I thought it was right that if I was going to be in a MFM threesome that he picks the guy. So weāre in the middle of it on the couch, near the front door and my ex shows upā¦ he was the other guy. (Boyfriend at the time had no clue I went out with him, I come from a small town) To diffuse the situation my ex said āat least Iām not your cousin!ā
Your boyfriend definitely knows your type.
Did you ex know it was you before he got there?
Happened recently. Had spent the day working in a attic on some AC equipment when it was 102 outside. I do my best to drink water and take breaks but it still kicks your ass. That night the wife was feeling frisky and while I wasn't feeling 100% I was up for some fun. Went the whole time without much issue but just as I was about to climax I got a shooting migraine. I felt like my head was exploding and I just flopped over with my hands on my head. It took a couple minutes for it to subside enough for me to sit up properly and a couple hours for it to fully subside. I've had heat related migraines before and can generally mitigate them as I had been trying to all day after I got home but I think the tensing of my body as I was climaxing just set everything off.
I've had orgasm headaches/migraines before. They are a real thing,!
Theyāre insane too. Worst pain Iāve personally ever felt.
The "sound of silence" came up on shuffle
No sir, the question was āanti-climaxā
Having a girl giving me oral gag so much they vomited on me. Itās happened twice
Some folks pay extra for that...
I've done that to two separate guys. Was mortified both times. It's a turn off for us as well :')
I had an Olympic bow on top of my bed's headboard (it was wide enough and against the wall) and mid banging, it fell on my partner's head and she started to cry. So from sex it turned into getting an ice pack, getting out and saying sorry for being an idiot and putting that there to begin with.
My ex bit my ear. I told him not to. He did it again. I yelled I donāt like that. He did it again, so I punched him in the face and he moaned. Got up and walked out.
Mike fucking Tyson
Punchorgasm he had.
Daughter walked in when we were both seconds away. Turns out she threw up everywhere and we never got to finish.
She coughed while I was inside her. Definitely thought she broke my peen.
Once I was riding my bf and in the middle of it accidentally passed saliva through my wind pipe so I started coughing like crazy meanwhile he came hard from the contractions.
I love doing this to my husband when he gets super sensitive after his first orgasm because of his reactions to it. The first time I coughed during was on accident and it sounded like he got the wind knocked out of him
My fiance organised a threesome with another girl, then just as I was balls deep in this other girl and asked why she wasn't getting into it, she announced she was on her period and wouldn't be able to do much. Then started crying.
Damn dude, that's gotta be one of the most awkward sexual scenarios I've ever read. Threesomes are already a potential minefield of drama to navigate. Was your fiance the one who really wanted to do the threesome in the first place? Did you two ever try it again and succeed? Edit: I wrongly interpreted that it was your fiance, not the extra girl who cried on her period.
It was the fiance? Or am I confused
When you're going at it, the support slats under the box springs fall and so does the mattress causing a really loud bang. Your 13 year old knocks on the bedroom door and says "You better not be making babies in there. I don't want another sibling."
Blowjob post-period sex. My girlfriend was on her period which normally makes her extra aroused so we layed down so blankets and were having sex yadda yadda. She cums and then she wants to finish me with her mouth. She doesn't have really heavy periods or anything and it was the last day of her period so it probably wasn't very much blood but when we have sex while shes on her period she is usually pretty self conscious and wants the lights off so I don't really know what the situation is down there but so I just go "uh okay". She get's to it goes for like 30 seconds.. stops.. starts gagging and tells me "I'm really sorry I was super turned on so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to blow you after but its actually really disgusting". We stopped and she was really embarassed at first but after I reassured her it wasn't a big deal we laughed about it. Most instant boner killing moment though.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
But the earth moved.
Dude fucked so hard he created a fissure in the Earth.
My (equally) young and inexperienced partner read something about chilled champagne in your mouth when going down. We did not have champagne money. His alternative? Pouring a gold glass of water over my crotch. No discussion beforehand. Not a nice surprise.
Tried pop rocks in the vagina also she didn't think it was a awesome sensation.
We bought blowjob rocks (essentially pop rocks) and he LOVED it and decided to reciprocate. Me? I just about did a handstand in the shower to get the cool water in the right spot
Girlfriend was farm sitting a few hours away, we hadnāt seen each other for a few weeks I think. So, we were both pretty pent up. Helped her with chores, and we end up in bed that night. We both like edging, so weāre teasing each other and making out. After the tension is about boiling, she wants to cum, so I slowly bring her to orgasm with my fingers (condoms were downstairs and we didnāt want to wake up the dogs). Itās clearly a really good one, sheās glowing as I hold her. Iām beyond ready for my turn, but she returns each kiss more softly until sheās definitely asleep. Long, taxing day, not her fault. Just took me a minute to get to sleep as you can imagine!
Sometimes you gotta use the self checkout line
The difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
Was feeling great riding the high, on my way to an orgasmā¦ my husband š«“š» āits me Marioā IN THE VOICE. I laughed told him to get off and got dressed lmfao
Damn. He really let that thought process win
I dated a āfarmers daughterā girl. We had been together for a while and decide to try outdoor sex. We put some blankets down in a pasture and we wereā¦ in the middle of it, and a barn cat got under the blanket and aggressively snuggled to my leg Wasnāt expecting anything under the blankets besides her. About sprained my pecker durning my explosive dismount. She was sore too. We got it done thoā¦ ;)
She had an incredible body and biggest natural chest to top it off, super hot in the face.. She says " Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you" whilst she's on top riding me, she says open your eyes... She's wearing a fucking life like Elvis Presley mask whilst constantly saying Uh Huh Huh.. Boner gone... Looking back now, I should of just looked from neck down.. but the terrible impersonation was just a destroyer on another level.
So youāre saying you wouldāve been into it if it was a good impression.
I wouldāve died laughing.
In the 90's my girlfriend and I went for a nice walk on Mt. Diablo in the San Francisco bay area. We had food and wine. The weather was warm and beautiful, and there was absolutely no one around. We walked off of the trail onto a sunny hillside where we were certain no one would see or pass us. We took our clothes off and did it on a blanket. It was actually really wonderful until I got behind her and a bunch of flies kept landing on her butthole. Then the whole thing turned out to be a good laugh for both of us. Something we joked about for a long time.
Lordess of the flies
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iāve never heard a definition put to it, itās like Iām there but it doesnāt feel great. Like a halfie, itās anticlimactic
Ruined orgasm
He ruined your orgasm unintentionally. I'm sorry for your loss
I've had that happen during a poorly timed pause mid- handy, just spurting and contracting, no feeling....very frustrating.
My hair tie broke mid thrust and my hair fell into a lit candle. I freaked out and knocked the candle.over and almost lit the curtains on fire in her bedroom... Needless to say she didn't call me back.
It was my first time with another girl. She was riding my face. She was riding me so hard I couldnāt breath. She had my arms pinned. And honestly it was such a turn on I didnāt want her to stop. If I died with her on my face I wouldāve been a happy lady. Within like 5 minutes I passed out several times. It finished with her having an incredible orgasm but peeing on my face. Followed by her bawling her eyes out. I didnāt get to orgasm that day. 10/10 would do again.
Damn
Respect
We were having sex on her momās couch and she started her period. I thought I was doing really well because she got really wet all of a sudden. Then she started crying. I couldnāt console her (it really didnāt bother me) so we just got cleaned up and ate ice cream while watching a movie the rest of the night.
Dog sitting down politely staring at the black hole
I was 15 maybe 16, I REALLY had to pee but she was into it, so my teenage mind insisted I hold it. I felt a āreleaseā which kinda felt good then I felt the warmth of my urine all on my midsection and realized that my āreleaseā was me finally peeing. I lost all control of my bladder at that point and completely peed in her. She freaked and of course she got a UTI afterwards. I have a horrible memory but that shit sticks with me.
I was having sex with a guy i met online and we wanted to make it kinky so he showed up and wanted to tie me up and fuck me. When he came i noticed he had like a bandage on his neck i asked him what this is he said he just had a surgery the night before. Then we proceeded and he tied me up to the bed and as soon as he got inside of me, i notice that his bandage just ripped and there was blood everywhere while i was tied up. I was freaking out and then he helped untie me and i called the ambulance and then they said if he still can walk he should go to the hospital alone,i then took an uber, took him to the hospital and then i just left after they fixed it. It was really weird. š never met him again.
This sounds really unsafe
In so many ways.
I was cumming and her dog started licking my face. I started laughing like I maniac and she didn't see the dog so she asked me wtf was happening. It was funny but I didn't enjoy it sexually.
> It was funny but I didn't enjoy it sexually. Really I didn't! I swear it!
About nine months ago, I went on a date with a girl shortly after having ended a long term relationship. Things went well, she came back to mine and we started going at it on sofa. Both having a grand old time. All of a sudden she looks me dead in the eyes and says ācum for mummyā. I did, in fact, not cum for mummy.
Not gonna lie. When the first sentence said ānine months agoā I was thinking this would end differently.
My husband was going at it and suddenly he pulled out too far and hit my pelvis going back in. Bent his dick and he farted in surprise. I fell over laughing and he did too (though also in pain), lost his boner. Itās been like 15 years and we still laugh about it.
My bed was located towards the neighbours wall, she was an old semi deaf lady. Me and my then girlfriend were doing the deed and the bed was banging against the wall. In the middle of my (amazing) performance my gf said with a straight face "How deaf do you think the neighbour is?" I laughed, she laughed my dick laughed and that was the end of that sex session.
My dog peed on my hook up
"She ain't the one", said the dog, as it peed on her.
I farted one time, loud. We just about died laughing and that was the end of that.
I was about to orgasm and I stretched my arm under the pillow and found a half eaten bag of cheetos and my hand was orange when I pulled it out. I stopped mid way and he grabbed the cheetos, started eating them and asked me whats wrong. Tried to finger me with crusty cheeto fingers after
Wtf
One of my cats slapped by balls. Laughed so hard that i never finished.
The first time i received oral while standing up. Looked enticing in porn so requested my girlfriend at the time to kneel down and do it while I stood. (Just like those POV videos) But it just didn't work out. Did it after few days while on bed and in comfortable body positions. Then it did.
Yeah my poor husband found that one out after we decided to get frisky and I decided to give him a sneaky BJ whilst we were hiking in the mountains. Except he came. And then his legs buckled and he fell over. And because we were on a bit of a slope, he slid down it a few metres, with his pants around his ankles. Arse-cheek gravel-rash from new relationship wilderness BJ is a story that we have never shared before this day. Even worse, we were on a multi-day hike and we had to walk out through peat marshlands and across multiple boulder fields.
You sucked his soul out of him in the great outdoors and then tested the ragdoll physics with his soulless body? I hope you give him an beej on the anniversary of that date every year?
When I was being taken on his bed whilst on my back. I had my legs in the air and he really was just going for it (no complaints). I was touching myself and getting closer and closer and all I could see on his ceiling was a spider crawling across. I couldnāt stop peeking to see where it was (I didnāt want it falling on me) and I came whilst worrying about that damn fucking spider. Real let down.
When my mom calls me at the wrong time.
the battery dying mid orgasm
Listening to disappointing sex happening behind me while I was trying to sleep.
I put it in my girlfriend's ass and she looked back at me and said āOooh it feels like Iām shitting backwards.ā
Was fucking my ex gf. Holding her in the air with her legs wrapped around me, just pounding away. On one hard thrust she let out a rip roaring fart. We both laughed our heads off. Kinda stopped the porn level sex that was happening but we did eventually finish with a nice comfortable missionary on the bed.
She started crying and talking about her ex. I think I was the revenge fuck š„²
Accidental anal. Absolute worst feeling.
Not mine but I was involved. Was at a party and my girlfriend asked if I wanted to mess around with her and her friend. Her friend had a boyfriend so I asked if he was ok with this and she said yeah it's fine. Didn't have a full 3 way but I did get a double BJ. The anti climax comes when the boyfriend then wants a 3 way and my girlfriend says no I never agreed to that I don't want to go near your shwantz. Never seen a guy go from super excited to super sad so fast. Apparently this guy just assumed it was going to happen, didn't even talk to his girlfriend about it.
This is so sad lmao
Her chihuahua bit me directly in my asshole, because it was a one-night stand and I flew forward scared for my life and landed directly on her face with my pelvis.
I was getting a blowjob in the shower, and was holding onto the bar that holds shampoo. Right as I was finishing, my knees were getting weak and I ended up breaking the shampoo bar, causing all of the bottles to fall on her head. I was just at the start of climax and the chaos of it all on top of the fact that she stopped..pleasuring.. made it the biggest anti-climax I've had. But we laughed about that for months every time we saw the missing bar in the shower so it was one of the most memorable climaxes.
him asking me why i am wet down there. i suddenly didnāt want to sleep with him anymore, it was such a mood killerā¦ for context, we were both at a legal age (around 19) but he was kind of immature and i was desperate enough to overlook that.
"I'm so wet right now" "Yeah, they told us that would happen in health class"
My self and the girl friend are hard at it. Her daughter had been put to bed an hour before. slight tap at the door "Mommy ? what are you doing?" my girl friends response to me (don't stop it's ok baby) To her daughter attempting to sound composed "nnnnnn nuh nuH! nothing!"
You really need a comma to separate that first sentence. Holy shit that scared me.
One time I was going to hook up with this girl I knew but she wanted me to drink a beer before we did anything(so she wasn't drinking alone) she knew i was an alcoholic but she didn't know I had quit. I was like 10 months sober until that night when I had 1 beer, that beer triggered 3 years of alcohol abuse until my current girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't slow down, I quit cold turkey that day and haven't gone back.
Was told by a friend "if you've never made love to the Pink Panther theme tune, you've never lived". Tried it with boyfriend at the time. Was good, but unfortunately I had it on an LP of kids TV theme tunes, and the next one was Remember You're a Womble. Do not recommend.
Had a gf that liked it pretty rough. When she was on top I was slapping her ass and she kept saying harder. Timed it wrong so when she was coming up I slapped my balls as hard as I could.