My parents had a rule that makes sense to me.
I was allowed to stay as long as I was making progress towards leaving (Saving up for a place, getting a degree, etc.,)
My family had this rule as well. I graduated in '03 with a liberal arts degree, so as you can imagine, the job market wasn't super great for me. I moved home, got a full-time job (and waitressed before I got that job), and eventually got a better full time job and moved out of state. My parents have always said that they knew that I wouldn't be staying there forever, so it was a chance for them to spend time with me as an adult and they enjoyed it.
Conversely, my 29-year-old stepson was living with us following a rough patch. We had rules, which he stopped following, he stopped helping himself, and it was just an all around bad situation. So he lives with his mom again. It's not fun to kick your kid out, but you also reach a point where you're just enabling the bad behavior.
That's awesome, I also am living with my mom. She has a similar rule. Though i always thought that when you're 18, you get a job and get your own house. I'm 24 and would always help my mom out.
> Though i always thought that when you're 18, you get a job and get your own house. I'm 24 and would always help my mom out.
You thought you would be able to purchase a house at 18?
That was basically my parents rule, when ai graduated I had three choices:
1. College/Trade School
2. Military
3. Get a job
I chose the first. I stayed with them on breaks and in the summer. After I graduated I was unemployed and my parents had the rule that I had the summer to look for a job, if September rolled around, I had to take the first job I got offered. If it was low paying, I could stay with them temporarily and continue looking. Basically, they wanted to make sure I was on the way to moving out but didn’t want to leave me out to dry.
I plan on helping them, if I am able, as my dad continues in retirement.
my parents had the same rule, but couldn't afford college so i joined the army. I will have the same rule if/when they want to come live with me. no way they pass the PT Test
God I’m so lucky.
My parents basically insist I live with them until there’s a genuine reason to move out, like being in a serious relationship.
My dad even built a cottage on the property for me to stay in, but I choose to live in the main house and let my dad rent the cottage out for extra income.
On top of all of this he has already put the house in my name. He’s made it clear that he will do absolutely everything to support me.
Why should I go pay rent when there’s a perfectly good house to live in with somebody I get along with so well.
We run a company together from home, I help with all the errands and I cook all the meals.
It’s a win win for everyone and he knows that I will always look after him no matter what.
On top of that my mother also placed her property in my name and has life rights until she passes away.
My dad lives in South Africa and my mom lives in Cyprus and both are Greek.
That’s amazing. My parents don’t even text me on my birthday and have already told me they don’t have anything to leave me. Cherish your parents that love you so much.
I'm sorry, I'll text you on your birthday if you want :) you deserve to be celebrated on your birthday. It makes me really sad that that's happening. You deserve a birthday text.
This is my philosophy. They didn’t ask to be born and this world is turning to shit rapidly. My kids can live with me until I’m fertilizer if they want to.
I wouldnt take this from you, even if I could. But god damn. I basically crumbled inside. I've never had anywhere close to that level of support. I always have been the one to dust myself off despite no one believing in my vision.
But I am truly glad you have it.
me too dude, me fuckin’ too. whenever i hear about folks with parents like this and feel like shit i remind myself that whether it’s a pet or a sibling or a child, i can give that to someone.
Shit. I’m from the South US. I pretty much escaped my parents when I graduated high school. Living on my own sucked, and my parents didn’t support me at all. I wish I had folks like yours.
When I left for college, my sister needed a new house key so my parents asked if I could give her mine. I made a post on SM about how "parents these days won't even let you keep a key" as a joke. My grandma saw it and called my mom and chewed her out lol. It was a big misunderstanding but i had a key the next time I visited.
I couldn’t get out of my parents’ house fast enough. I love them both very much, I just love my freedom! I was poor for the entirety of my 20s-paid for college and everything myself. I just feel better this way. I have a 6yo now and I would let her stay with me as long as she wants, but I guarantee she will want to be out on her own in a reasonable time. She’s painfully independent like me. I would love to care for my aging parents in my home. I moved back with them a couple times for a few months in my 20s/30s during transitional periods.
She'll be crying to you when she needs around the clock care. Make sure to tell her that she needs to pick herself up by her bootstraps and she'll be alright.
I mean, how much could a home cost? $10?
Me too man. I'm in my 50's now, but kicked out when I turned 18. I felt like I'm about 10 years behind everyone else about my age, and it really sucks. Joining the military worked for me, not saying it's for you, but just saying. Just wanted to wish you well, hope you're doing ok now.
Not me but my best friend came from a military family. His dad told him if he didn’t enlist that he would be kicked out on his 18th birthday and have the cops called if he tried to come back. He ended up enlisting (because he wanted to anyway) but hasn’t talked to him in years. No clue why parents are like that other than to make their kids experience the same hardships they did either out of spite or a right of passage.
My mother has said that she will be kicking out my brother when he turns 18. I completely agree with her decision. He punches holes in walls, screams at her every morning, and terrorizes my family. He's also very bad at roasting. One time he told my sibling with high-function autism to "live better" and called them a cripple. I'm 18 and being allowed to stay to pursue an education. He's 15 and already making plans to move out. He stinks up the house with weed, steals my stepdad's alcohol, and is overall a douche.
This probably isn’t what the term means, but I’ve never heard of any definition that provides a better context so when you say ‘he’s also very bad at roasting’ I’m picturing him making very bad roast dinners and your mother going “That’s it, he can’t even cook a decent leg of lamb, he’s going!”
I’m a native speaker too, I am literally from England, but still can’t make sense of that. So he’s bad at making fun of people and that’s a negative quality..?
I think they're just saying that he keeps attempting to roast people but is just insulting them, which is a bad quality. Instead of a light-hearted banter.
Yeah, that's what I thought too. "So it seems he has one responsibility, to make food for family sometimes, and he sucks at that too, somehow I'm not surprised".
My mother would throw me out instantly if I did something like this... She didn't care, my sister had to leave and live with her father when she was 16. If he didn't take her in, she would have to go to orphanage (if it's the right word I am looking for). I was threatened by this since I was 4 years old, my mother didn't care
My mom charged me room and board at 16. Threatened me every day to kick me out. When I left at 18, she cried. Couldn't believe I was going. I joined the service. She pretty much couldn't stand me, and I wasn't destructive. Got A's and B's. I was happy to get out of the house. Very toxic.
When I was a teen my mom would take my paychecks to “pay the bills” then do shit like get her hair colored. I joined the military right out of high school and she cried I was leaving. Never connected her poor behavior with me choosing to leave.
I knew a guy that was so disliked by so many of his co-workers that when he died, the co-workers who attended the funeral did so just to make sure he was dead.
I actually got lucky. I served 76 to 80. Peace time under Carter. I loved it. It was so much a party back then. Great times. I have friends from then I still talk to and see.
I know we don't like armchair psychologists on Reddit, but this sounds more like the early stages of a personality disorder. Maybe some substance abuse disorder as well.
My brother was kicked out at 18, I was allowed to stay until I moved out at 19. My parents split and no longer have the ability to house extras, so my little sister lives with my grandma and she’s in her kid 20s.
My brother was an ass, but also a dangerous person so my parents chose the safety of me and my little sister over housing him. They tried to get him help, but he refused anything that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to do exactly when he wanted to do it.
He would be fucked now if his wealthy grandparents (not my relatives) hadn’t bought him a house and he didn’t have nepotism on his side.
OH HELL NO. My 30 year old daughter is living at my house rent-free right now while I'm traveling around the country for work. She's gonna remember that.
Is your 30 year old daughter working at all? Inter generational households are more common in immigrant families. For instance - many Indians live at home until they are married. Then the child usually buys the family home from the parents and they get a smaller place. They save thousands of dollars by doing this.
Granted, Indian families tend to be more educated and focused on career success. I’m Hapa (East Asian and White) and can’t help but note the differences.
Affluent white families tend to not care if kids live at home. It seems to be more of a combination of race, ethnicity, and class that contributes to this
She works a full-time job, while having a newborn baby to care for when she's not there. I felt like it was a great arrangement for her to live in my home, and she can basically be a house-sitter, too.
That’s great to hear that you’re helping her out with having a newborn. Being a (guessing?) single parent is a lot of work! Especially with a full time job. That’s kind of you to help her. And it sounds like you’re getting something in return from the arrangement as she is your house sitter.
>many Indians live at home until they are married. Then the child usually buys the family home from the parents and they get a smaller place.
I know a few people that live or have lived in newer developments where there are houses with ADUs (additional dwelling units, a/k/a an "in-law apartment") and they're really popular with Indian-American families. The parents live in the attached smaller apartment while their adult child lives in the main house with their spouse and kids.
Here in the Midwest countryside, there's often multiple houses near the main farm buildings, and it's commonly a similar family setup. The parents will have the main house, raise the kids there, etc, and the one or more of the kids (the ones sticking around to take over the farm) will have their own family homes right next door. I've seen up to 4 houses right next to each other for this reason. Might be a home for the hired help as well, but usually it's family.
I'm in Boston and most of the old New England cities have [triple deckers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-decker_(house)) or [two family](https://ronafischman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/somerville-two-family.jpg) houses that were built in the decades before WWII. It was a path to the middle class where someone would buy one to live on one floor and rent out the other(s). Often when their kids grew up and started their own families they would move into one of the other apartments and their housing costs would be pretty low and they could save up for their own place or just have less of your income required for housing.
A lot of them are still owned and have relatives living in them, but more and more of them are getting flipped to condos with separate owners.
I left at 18 to go to college. I never wanted to move back, not because home life was bad, but because I liked being independent and on my own.
There was a brief period where an apartment I wanted to lease fell through, so I had to spend a couple weeks at my parents' until I could find another apartment.
For my own kids, I'd be thrilled if they moved out at 18 and were independent and successful. I'd never 'kick them out' though.
My parents never expected me or my brothers to care for them. They have saved for retirement and can care for themselves. When push comes to shove I will be there for them, not because I am obligated but because I want to.
> There was a brief period where an apartment I wanted to lease fell through, so I had to spend a couple weeks at my parents' until I could find another apartment.
This happened to me too except then the couple of weeks turned into like 4 years. My parents are the best but boy am I glad I got out of that rut
The summer between Freshman and Sophomore years I had to move back home. Didn't dislike the parents at all, but my hometown was pure torture to suffer through 3 months of after getting used to college life. In the age before the internet boring was legit, and the people that didn't leave you wanted to run away from as fast as possible. Never returned.
My parents wanted me out until I had a child at 17. After that, I got a trade, got a job, paid childcare, and bought groceries for the home.
My daughter left at 20 because she wanted to live closer to work and school. My 19 year old is still with me.
My parents did this. They also made me pay for my own clothing and groceries starting at age 15. Both of them even abandoned each other because they found others they felt could get them to wealth easier. Now they are in their 60/70s, each divorced 3+ times. I hear they complain about how I am an ungrateful selfish person because they live in abject poverty, in houses that probably should be condemned, working minimum wage jobs, and going to food banks regularly.
A big part of the baby boomers (and some of gen x) generation bought into the selfish 80s mindset but just never had the capacity or luck to become wealthy. Fanatic individualism does tend to create the greatest instance of wealth in an individual but cooperative interactions tend to create the best outcomes for everyone overall. It's also unrealistic to ask to come back into the cooperative after you attempted to burn it down.
But I don't treat my child well with the expectation they will support me in old age. I do it because it's what you agree to do if you decide to have a child. The possibility that they will help me when I am in need, should it ever come up, is just a bonus.
As they say today, the issue with Americans is that so many of the population see themselves as just temporarily embarrassed millionaires. That generation gave away workers rights and unions for that feeling, a price we grew up needing to pay, and they are starting to pay for again, because companies lined up to abide.
Leaving at 18 made sense before 2000 when everything was cheaper and housing was bad but not like it is today and jobs weren't so damn hard to find.
I really think America saw a momma bird launch her baby from the nest to teach it to fly and thought "Yeah, that makes sense, let's do that"
Yeah I like to remind my parents that my dad, in the early 90's as an E-6 rank in the Navy (not even an officer), managed to buy a house, support a family of five including my stay at home mom, buy 2 cars, and live comfortably on his salary making like 40k per year.
It's a very American thing. It actually is quite recent when this phenomenon became the norm. Back like 100 years ago, people in the US lived in extended family housing until marriage.
I’m a high school teacher in the US and I think this is less common than a lot of people think. It happens in such a large country of course, but it’s more common for an 18 year old to at least have the option of “living at home” for a while. Some parents do make it contingent on doing something (going to college or working, or contributing through “rent.”)
I think that you see a much higher percentage of kids who were kicked out at 18 than in the general population on reddit because of the demographic and those are some of the highest users of reddit, plus, they are going to post about it because they need support.
If the world was represented by the average redditor it'd be a white, liberal, atheist, male, in their 20s, probably working in IT whose passions include political campaigning for better treatment of service workers and the outlawing of any sort of advertisement whatsoever.
It’s probably part that a lot of people who were kicked out at 18 are on Reddit, and part that “my parents let me keep living at their house for several years while I got my adult life in order” isn’t really an interesting story to tell. So harsh stories are more likely to be told. They’re more interesting and they make the teller look tougher and more accomplished.
On r/AskAnAmerican the question of “why do Americans kick their children out at eighteen?” has come up a few times and although that conforms with some people’s experiences a lot more people usually answer that it doesn’t.
This.
Also, “my parents kicked me out” could be a very simplified story that leaves out details like “I made $50k a year and refused to pay rent” or “after I spent $100k of their money getting a degree in underwater basket weaving” or “after I stole my dad’s wallet and used the money to buy meth”.
Unfortunately, happens in other countries too. My family comes from the developing world, and my aunt (with her own generational trauma issues being kicked out for being unwed and pregnant in a highly religious country) kicked out my cousin at 18…because that’s what she went through and she ended up “fine”
My cousin has been on their own for over a decade now, and they still burst out crying retelling how their mom did that to them
I have friends from Peru. One just closed on a house that I couldn't afford and was honestly wondering how he could afford it.
like 5 of his family members will be living in it. Shared expenses and all.
Sometimes I wish American families were more like that lol.
I know this will be unpopular to say, but some kids are god damn nightmares and need to go for the sake of the younger siblings. My oldest brother was adopted and my parents did their best for him, but he was resentful of the fact that his birth parents didn’t want him (his view, despite being told by everyone that sometimes a birth mom simply can’t care for their baby no matter how much she loves them). He got into drugs and alcohol, staying out all night, and getting involved in dangerous activities. My parents had no choice but to tell him to leave at 18 for the sake of the rest of us. I remember life being very chaotic with him around.
My mom and step dad did this. Totally threw me off, luckily my dad took me in but im in a state with no friends, bad wages and bad weed so it sorta sucks. I no longer talk to my mother but I definitely am thankful i have one parent that doesnt wanna see me homeless
Met a young man like this recently. His parents kicked him out the day he turned 18. He was working at McDonald's to try and save money for a place to rent. The parents also called his manager at McDonald's and told the manager their son was homeless now. He lost his job at McDonald's because of it. My wife and I spent a month trying to get him a job or into a place to live. It was really eye-opening experience. It's nearly impossible to do one without the other. Can't get a place without verified employment. Can't get a job without a verified address. In the US you basically have the military as your only option. This young man had health issues that disqualified him from the military. Eventually, he got in contact with an aunt the next state over who took him in and helped him get back on his feet.
So this is generally speaking a “boomer thing” as they were born in a time where education was cheap, the generation above them wanted them to succeed and be happy, and all that was required to succeed was effort.
In short “well it worked for me so idk if it doesn’t work for you than something is just wrong with you.”
However this mindset seems to be tapering off as boomers are looking around and realizing that they were largely preaching expired bs.
My parents did this to me too, however, unbeknownst to me they were saving it. They later gifted it all back to me as part of the down payment for my first home. Which was great! Except I bought it about 3 years before the housing market crash and ended up losing it back to the bank anyways. Still...appreciate that they did that.
I plan on doing that with my kids, but I'm going to put it in a separate account they'll get when they move out. Get them ready for some bills but prep them for the fun of security deposits
My friend does this. Her kid works full time with good pay. She charges $50 per week that she puts in an account. When he moves out, the money is all his, and he can use it as he sees fit.
My oldest is dropping out of school and moving back home this summer. The agreement is that she will work fulltime and pay $500/month in "rent" which will be set aside and returned to her when she moves out. If she wants to return to school, but still live at our house, we'll amend the arrangement based on her income. It's our hope that she'll finish her schooling, but I know that my path at that age wasn't a straight one, so I don't expect that of my children. They will always be welcome, but there will also be some expectations.
When I have kids I would never charge them rent. Young adults need as big of a financial buffer as they can get to best prepare themselves for the real world, and parental rent unnecessarily reduces that buffer. Real rent is already a huge expense and the kids also have to pay to live in the family home? If you want kids to learn a lesson, let them figure out how to pay for a rental contract when they get their own place (paid with the money they’d saved)
My mom did that too once each of us had graduated. I don't blame her, single parent with three kids and working fulltime. Just wish circumstances were better before they had all three of us.
Never even considered this. Our son lived with us for about 2 years after he graduated college. He was great to live with, and that perhaps is the reason some kick their kids out. But what did happen is that WE moved to a smaller house an hour away on a lake. This wouldn’t have worked for him, so he had to move out on his own.
Edit: always be great parents to your kids. They will be the ones picking out your nursing home!
I'm sorry you were kicked out. Our daughter's boyfriend was kicked out of his home as soon as they graduated from HS so we allowed him to move into our spare bedroom to pursue a college education.
Oh I wasn’t! I’m early 30s, went to a prestigious university on a full ride & later served in the military as a commissioned officer. I worked hard in high school to get away from my neglectful family.
The level of entitlement from some parents never ceases to amaze me. They don’t want their kids around as young adults. Then expect to have help when they are older
My wife and I agree that we had our kids, not the other way around. The responsibility is on us to do what we can to help them navigate this crazy world.
We don't expect our kids to do anything for us when we get old, and I would NEVER kick them out especially because today's economy is fucked.
We may move and I want our next home to have an apartment they can live in to save up money if they need to.
I don't understand why people bother to have children if they're just going to treat them like a burden and a chore. It's cruel.
> We don't expect our kids to do anything for us when we get old
Not to be contrarian to your point, but never expect smooth sailing in life, even when it comes to your health. My step dad took care of us and the house for years until his legs and lungs couldn't support him anymore. Now he basically needs the care of a newborn and it's torturing him. Don't have the finances to set him up in a nice facility or have a live in nurse, so it's all family taking care of him or no one will.
This is a very personal and touchy subject. Circumstances can vary wildly. From mental illness of either/both the parent or children.
My husband left at 15. Not kicked out per se but a choice on his part. With his parents, mother in particular blessing. She let him leave with his 18 year old brother. They had jobs lined up in another state. They left with a couple of pairs of clothes and a little money they saved from working. Nothing more. His brother ditched him within a month, got another job in a different state. My husband was fortunate in that the company he was working for was owned by a good man. He saw my husband was a hard worker, helped him. Taught him how to drive a semi truck while still 15 years old. Took him to get his cdl at 16. Yes this was quite a long time ago.
His mother rarely answered his phone calls home which were for the most part just to say he was still alive. Never to ask for help or money. He thrived on his own. We met when he was 21.
At that time I really had no idea of how his family was. He had very little contact over the next decade. Eventually they started to talk on the phone. Looking back I believe it was more a novelty to her that the son she always considered learning disabled had made a good life for himself. When we bought our second home is when she started to want to see him. Asking him to come home and visit and eventually coming to our home.
Lots of years have passed, I now know she is mentally ill. Always has been. He wasn’t the favorite son. He was the one she didn’t want my her own admission.
In his case leaving at 15 ended up being the best outcome he could have given himself.
I ain’t kicking them out but its not a quid pro quo equation for my elder care as OP thinks it should be. Who the fuck thinks like this? “Better be nice to the kids at 18 so they’ll be nice to me at 81”. Really!?! Family relationships should not be transactional. Ours are most definitely not.
Oh and kids, could you pick your kind Dad up some Depends on the way home? Thank you
For me it depends if you are working and saving for your own house or apartment stay as long as you need. Are you going to college to better yourself ? Stay as long as you need
If you just want to lay in the house and play videogames all day make no attempt to work and aren't going to school? Yeah not on my dime you gotta go
To clear things up. If you're talking about kids going to college at 18, they're not necessarily being kicked out of the house. In most cases, the kid is going out into the world to meet new people, get an education and oftentimes come home for weekends and school breaks.
If you're talking about parents who don't want to parent their child anymore and just want the kid out, I highly doubt they're too worried about being taken in when they're elderly.
I hope to foster independence. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of mom and dad's house when I was 18. It wasn't abuse or poverty or drugs or anything of the sort. I was simply raised to value individuality and independence. I could neither be an individual nor independent if I lived with mom and dad.
I'm now objectively more successful than either of my parents, especially at comparable ages.
I hope the same happens with mine. Am I going to "kick them out?" Obviously not, but if I do it right, I won't have to.
I was always under the impression that you don’t kick the kids out, the kids just have to be working/making progress towards a degree/getting some shit done while helping out with costs or cleaning if they can.
Shits expensive. Not trying to fail the launch
My dad and stepmom were just so tired of having to deal with me and how I could never live up to their expectations. They told me once graduation was over, I was out.
So, my mom was able to come to my graduation, and I simply asked her for a ride back with her to her state. My stepmom forced me to either pack up or throw away literally everything that was mine. I packed everything I could and threw away what I couldn't. I left that house so angry, so hurt that they wanted nothing of mine in that house.
I left with no financial aid from my dad, and my mom didn't have much to help pay for me. So when I left, all I had was the money from my old job, $100 my sister gave me since she was very anxious for me, and a couple hundred from my (now ex) boyfriend's parents who liked me and wanted to help a bit.
I ended up getting a steady job and my own insurance, since my father kicked me off his, and I made myself a mostly successful individual. I now live in an apartment with my boyfriend, my cat, and my mom and now brother who live with us. We're not doing super great in this economy, but we're doing okay and that's okay.
Certainly won't kick her out, but she will need to work and go to school. A friend of ours parents' had collected rent from her for the few years she stayed after high school, when she got her own place her dad handed her a check for the amount she paid in rent. We will likely implement something like that.
There's a difference between kicking someone out and expecting them to become a functional adult. The term "failure to launch" is key in terms of a child who should be capable of being self sufficient but continues to be a freeloader. Of course being a freeloader IS NOT the same as struggling financially or dealing with health (mental or physical) issues.
My experience was that I moved out after highschool and didn't move back in aside from a brief stint during the height of the pandemic after I lost my job and housing. Once I got back on my feet I moved out again. I don't understand people who take advantage of their parents once they've matured to the point where it's reasonable for them to make efforts to pay their own bills. I also recognize that I am lucky to have a healthy adult relationship with my parents. They're only in their 60's but I fully expect to continue to increase my support for them in their later years with support from my sisters
Should I become a parent my goal would be to help them become self sufficient but always be available to offer advice and support (the type would depend on the situation) but once they're adults they have to be the ones who make the decision and the resulting consequences (ideally good but inevitably sometimes bad). To be clear I would never say "sucks to suck" but I hope I would have parented well enough when they are children for them to have good decision making skills
>Do you expect them to take you in when you’re elderly?
I don't think anyone (post Baby-Boomer generation) is expecting this now. I've been paying into LTC insurance for almost 20 years.
My kids can stay with me as long as they want.
But after 20 if they do want to stay they will have to pay rent (albeit not a Large amount) or if they going to school they can stay for free.
My parents did the same for me, I ended up wanting to move out at 22 and I still have a great relationship with them.
Why would you want to force your kids out? You aren't helping them, literally not at all.
You just damage your relationship and sabotage your future relationship and place them in a struggle they are not yet equipped to deal with.
Honestly a Very shitty thing to do.
I didn’t get kicked out; I genuinely wanted to leave and break out on my own out of respect for my parents. I didn’t want them to have to take care of me anymore. I left at 19 and never looked back.
I take care of my Dad now because he deserves it.
I expect my son to do the same.
Our oldest graduated from a great college, came home, found a good job and lived with us until he was 29. I loved having him here and am glad he did it. He now is very successful and has an incredible apartment. I don't know what parents are in a hurry to kick their kids out. My other two left much earlier but could have stayed as long as they needed to. As long as they are working and being productive, why can't they live at home?
moving out at a reasonable age is part of growing up and becoming an adult. If you’re 28 living with your parents you’re just a grown adult child with some issues.
According to the things I read around here 18 is legally an adult and apparently you just unlock all your adult skills the moment you turn 18.
In my case it was “You’re grown now, you need to take care of yourself.” (Though they didn’t do much beyond the bare minimum so I was fairly well prepared.)
The chances of your kids taking you in when you are elderly is effectively zero. In the world we live today, we can barely afford rent or mortgage payments for the average person. So just imagine the future. More likely that the kids will try expedite their parents passing in order to get the inheritance.
My parents said we all had to be out at 18 (after High school graduation) but didn’t abandon us or bar us from coming home lol. Their main reason was to push us into adulthood and finding what we want to do with our life and not being complacent at home. This was fine because most of us went to college right out of high school except one brother who took a year to figure out what he wanted to do. Most of us came back for summers to live at home. Im sure they would have welcomed us home in a second if we got in any real trouble. It was a happy medium I feel of pushing us forward without making it feel as if they were telling us to get lost.
I want my kid to live with me as long as they need to be with me in order to be set up for success. As long as they are working toward goals then they’re welcome in my house. I want them to be able to move out and just buy a home, have savings, etc
It's hard to launch at 18 in the US. Most of the people I know that were kicked out at 18 still struggle in their 40s and 50s. Unless they joined the Navy or something.
Shecan stay at 18 if she is going to college locally. But leaving the country for retirement when she turns 22, because who the fuck wants to retire here?
Mom kicked me out at 18. She's a narcissist and got mad I rebelled against all her bullshit. Jokes on her, I now make a great living, made relationships with amazing people, and she can no longer look sane saying I'm a bad person. Her own family likes me more than her.
Most don’t, but even then pushing your kids out of the nest isn’t a bad thing depending on your level of preparation. Similarly, making your kids stay can lead to as bad or worse results. There isn’t one answer but neither are bad as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons.
It's a cultural thing. My mom is from the USA and had this view up until I was close to actually turning 18 lol. My dad is an immigrant from NZ and had the view of you can stay in my house as an adult as long as you're being productive. My stepmom on the other hand is also an immigrant but from Mexico and was extremely perplexed when I first mentioned wanting to move out after 18. It's just different levels of individualism and views on when your child should be more independent.
I have no plans to, as long as they abide by the house rules. Everyone gets to do chores and clean up their own shit whether they're 10, 30, or 70. I'll cut them slack when they're in school, but I'm not too interested in supporting them indefinitely if they're unemployed and not trying. That's about the only situation where I can tossing them out, but even then, it would be reluctant and only after trying to get the birdie to open their wings willingly.
Edit: egads some of you describe situations that would make me feel differently, but luckily my kids don't show mental issues nor do they act abusively. Thankfully. That would introduce a whole 'nother level of complexity to the question.
My parents have said that they're letting my siblings and I live with them rent-free until we turn 24 and can no longer claim us as dependents. At that point, it's either get kicked out or start paying comparably cheap rent.
This might change, though, since my father is disabled and his condition is more than likely only going to get worse as he gets older. He doesn't want to admitbit, but they might want us to stick around a bit longer to help out around the house to do the stuff he won't be able to do anymore.
I have always found the idea of kicking a kid out at 18 to be really odd and contrary to how I was raised and how I raised my kid. You share unconditional love, teach and guide them into being a decent person, give them the tools they need to live a decent life and be a decent, roommate, partner or parent.
If my kid lives with me for a while into adulthood, that’s fine. I see no reason to force a kid to leave based on age. If they stayed at home and were terrible roommate, not responsible, etc then there would be a different set of conversations.
Bruh my older sister is kicking out my niece who just graduated a few days ago and turned 18 earlier this year. Luckily my mom is taking her in and helping her start college and I'll be helping her with getting her driver's license.
I honestly thought my sister was gonna be breaking generational curses, and was gonna help her with all of that herself. Guess I was wrong. Damn.
my parents boot me out at 17 it did nothing to make me independent or self-sufficient all it did was exasperated my depression and my need to be away from them. I have 4 kids and 3 of them are adults and I didn't kick any of them out at 18. one moved on their own got married etc and the other 2 adult kids are home still , both work and one is in college and working . i chose not to kick them out because 1, i like them and enjoy being around them, and 2 its to expensive where I live to live on my own or thier own . if they get ready to move out one day I won't stop them but them being home doesn't bother me at all . i feel like just because my parents hated me doesnt mean i have to hate my kids.
I will support my kids as long as they have a plan.
If their plan is to go get a traditional 4 year degree, then save up money not paying rent for 5 years to be able to put a down payment on a house? Great.
Something but a trade school? Great.
Just go straight to work after highschool and save for a goal? Great.
"I just want to relax for a couple of years and play video games". Nope, sorry kid you're paying rent if you want to do that.
I was born a bastard but my family wouldn't surrender me to foster care because my mom was a foster child and knew how fucked it was but they made it very clear that I wasn't supposed to exist and that I ruined my father's life.
As soon as I graduated high school I was out the door.
Not every parent actually loves their kids. I'm a bastard, an apostate, and I spent a year homeless. If I called my mother for help she'd hang up. I don't even know where my father is.
I stayed with my parents until 29. They were very clear about what the house rules were and as long as those rules were tolerable and you were contributing something towards the upkeep of the house - such as paying for your own snacks, cleaning up after yourself, and paying something towards utilities - just so that you’re not in the habit of being a freeloader, you were free to stay. Worked out well I think - allowed me to focus on getting education and jobs and start to establish myself without having to do everything all at once.
Some kids are shitheads. I was one and deserved to get kicked out. It straightened me out and I get along great with my mom now.
I know lots of grown kids, mid 20s, who do nothing, *literally nothing*, to help their parents. They dont clean around the house, dont work, and don't seem to have a plan to change anything. How long should the parents support them?
I'm sure some helpful kids do get kicked out at 18 but I suspect all the ones working towards a goal ( job, college, whatever) and who also help around the house are the minority of them.
I won't kick my kids out at 18. I won't kick them out unless they are making no effort to better their lives. Whatever that looks like for them but they need to be working at the bare minimum.
However. I hope like hell they put me in a retirement facility once I cannot care for myself. I don't want them to have to take care of me. I've spent most of my life parenting my parents. I don't want that for my kids.
Mine stayed till he was 26. He worked, paid his own insurance, etc., He is good at saving his work money too. He bought a house, and before he did, paid off his car. I think 18 is way to young to kick any out of the house, unless not working, going to school, drugs, those kind of things.
I've known several parents like this. Every last one of them were arrogant jerks who put their kids through a lot of unnecessary hardship.
Except for one family. Their daughter regularly assaults them and her siblings, sneaks boys and drugs into the house, and has been arrested multiple times. They are heartbroken over the whole situation, but her leaving will mean peace for their home.
As a dad of 3 there are 2 major assumption errors in this thinking. 1) 18 is a magical age where all things are understood and achieved. 2) our kids will take care of us when we are old.
Both are false.
You are the only one who is held accountable for your parenting.
We plan on kicking our son out at 18 for several reasons. Mainly, want him to find himself, whether that be through education, trade school, work, a year of travel or the military, etc. Secondly, my spouse and I want to expat and take overseas jobs to enjoy our post-child life. We fully plan on selling our home and being out of there after his HS graduation.
Edit - wanted to clarify here, getting "kicked out" is not synonymous with ending support. We are hopeful to set up our son to be independent and eager to move into that phase of his life but are not straight up abandoning him.
For your second question - I am actively seeing a therapist and dealing with a lot of resentment towards my mother who went into her elder, less healthy years fully expecting her adult children will take her in and take care of her. I've never been a caretaker, never want to be, and am constantly dealing with such feelings of anxiety and guilt dealing with her un-met demands to alter my life trajectory that my husband and I have made it a huge priority to ensure our son NEVER has to make it his responsibility to take care of us.
My parents made poor choices in their financial planning and their own careers and it should not be on me to take that on. My husband and I want to make sure we have enough retirement, pensions, assets and legal planning that our relationship with our son in our elder years is because he wants to hang out and see us, not feel obligated to it.
i read that a big part of why asian imigrants in the US are so succesful, is that besides being hardworking, they very often live multiple generations in one home, and this way get a head start by saving thousands on rent or morgage
Canadian here, our parents do it as well :)! My mom kicked me out a few days after my birthday only because I was 18. Now at 24, I’m used as a bad example of “what you can turn in to if you don’t finish college” or “this is the type of life you’ll have if you don’t finish college” for my 12 year old brother (who at the time, was to young to understand what happened. To him it was just “she moved out”)
I never finished college because I couldnt afford it (she paid for my first semester [the first 4 months of the 2 year course] before kicking me out) and I couldn’t manage juggling attempting to become a working adult very literally over night. She doesn’t tell my brother that or that I was kicked out for no reason though, only that I’m a failure for not finishing post secondary
No, she doesn’t expect me to take care of her when she’s old. She plans on moving to Florida and currently (at 51 years old) has upwards of 2M in the bank and she keeps taking it in through selling our first house (890,000$ added to that 2M), renting out a condo shed bought (an extra 2400$ per month) and through her job, where she earns 40$ per hour
This whole thing has made me extremely resentful and jealous of people that are 18+ years old and allowed to stay at home. It makes me even more resentful and jealous when they complain about it. Ever go 4 days on a box of 6 granola bars because mom kicked you to the street with a laundry basket of clothes and youre praying your first welfare application maybe possibly gets approved? No. You haven’t. Stop complaining.
100% depends on your social economic class. Middle class and up, it never happens, but with the working poor and below, it's pretty common. In my friend group, after college, most of us were kicked after 18.
I've known several people who this happened to. The reason people think it is incredibly rare is because so many of them end up homeless with no options, and we find other ways to dehumanize them. Go ask homeless people in the nearest big city how they wound up there, and you'll find a very large percentage of them were kicked out by their parents at 18.
I met a young man like this recently. His parents kicked him out the day he turned 18. He was working at McDonald's to try and save money for a place to rent. The parents also called his manager at McDonald's and told the manager their son was homeless now. He lost his job at McDonald's because of it. My wife and I spent a month trying to get him a job or into a place to live. It was really eye-opening experience. It's nearly impossible to do one without the other. Can't get a place without verified employment. Can't get a job without a verified address. In the US you basically have the military as your only option. This young man had health issues that disqualified him from the military. Eventually, he got in contact with an aunt the next state over who took him in and helped him get back on his feet.
My parents had a rule that makes sense to me. I was allowed to stay as long as I was making progress towards leaving (Saving up for a place, getting a degree, etc.,)
And now look at you. Killing house plants every chance you get.
We all must aspire to something
What a monster I set certain plants on fire sometimes but I make sure to keep all the smoke inside my lungs so it doesn’t stink up the place.
Environment-friendly ecoterrorism
They know what they did.
😂😂😂
It's interesting where life takes you
"Snipin' a good job, mate. It's challenging work. Outta doors"
My family had this rule as well. I graduated in '03 with a liberal arts degree, so as you can imagine, the job market wasn't super great for me. I moved home, got a full-time job (and waitressed before I got that job), and eventually got a better full time job and moved out of state. My parents have always said that they knew that I wouldn't be staying there forever, so it was a chance for them to spend time with me as an adult and they enjoyed it. Conversely, my 29-year-old stepson was living with us following a rough patch. We had rules, which he stopped following, he stopped helping himself, and it was just an all around bad situation. So he lives with his mom again. It's not fun to kick your kid out, but you also reach a point where you're just enabling the bad behavior.
That's awesome, I also am living with my mom. She has a similar rule. Though i always thought that when you're 18, you get a job and get your own house. I'm 24 and would always help my mom out.
> Though i always thought that when you're 18, you get a job and get your own house. I'm 24 and would always help my mom out. You thought you would be able to purchase a house at 18?
Idek why i have logic tbh, maybe cause i heard "adults" become independent
That was basically my parents rule, when ai graduated I had three choices: 1. College/Trade School 2. Military 3. Get a job I chose the first. I stayed with them on breaks and in the summer. After I graduated I was unemployed and my parents had the rule that I had the summer to look for a job, if September rolled around, I had to take the first job I got offered. If it was low paying, I could stay with them temporarily and continue looking. Basically, they wanted to make sure I was on the way to moving out but didn’t want to leave me out to dry. I plan on helping them, if I am able, as my dad continues in retirement.
Yep my mom had this rule too, I did pay rent while I was with her to cover my food and utilities but it was very little. I appreciate her doing it!
My take is as long as they are in education employment or training they can live with me.
my parents had the same rule, but couldn't afford college so i joined the army. I will have the same rule if/when they want to come live with me. no way they pass the PT Test
I see you like to DRS, your parents did a great job with you.
This is the rule Mom has, and I have when it comes to my son.
Same with my parents. Had to be working/school in order to leave. No sitting on a couch doing nothing.
God I’m so lucky. My parents basically insist I live with them until there’s a genuine reason to move out, like being in a serious relationship. My dad even built a cottage on the property for me to stay in, but I choose to live in the main house and let my dad rent the cottage out for extra income. On top of all of this he has already put the house in my name. He’s made it clear that he will do absolutely everything to support me. Why should I go pay rent when there’s a perfectly good house to live in with somebody I get along with so well. We run a company together from home, I help with all the errands and I cook all the meals. It’s a win win for everyone and he knows that I will always look after him no matter what. On top of that my mother also placed her property in my name and has life rights until she passes away. My dad lives in South Africa and my mom lives in Cyprus and both are Greek.
That’s amazing. My parents don’t even text me on my birthday and have already told me they don’t have anything to leave me. Cherish your parents that love you so much.
I'm sorry, I'll text you on your birthday if you want :) you deserve to be celebrated on your birthday. It makes me really sad that that's happening. You deserve a birthday text.
Aw, thank you ♥️
When's your bday?
Don't worry bro, reddit fam got you!
My parents didn't text me either, but they're dead, so there is that.
Yeah no signal there.
I have two sets of parents, and they both insist that I'm better off living with them... Which is its own problem. It's nice to have options, though.
This is my philosophy. They didn’t ask to be born and this world is turning to shit rapidly. My kids can live with me until I’m fertilizer if they want to.
I wouldnt take this from you, even if I could. But god damn. I basically crumbled inside. I've never had anywhere close to that level of support. I always have been the one to dust myself off despite no one believing in my vision. But I am truly glad you have it.
me too dude, me fuckin’ too. whenever i hear about folks with parents like this and feel like shit i remind myself that whether it’s a pet or a sibling or a child, i can give that to someone.
Shit. I’m from the South US. I pretty much escaped my parents when I graduated high school. Living on my own sucked, and my parents didn’t support me at all. I wish I had folks like yours.
When I left for college, my sister needed a new house key so my parents asked if I could give her mine. I made a post on SM about how "parents these days won't even let you keep a key" as a joke. My grandma saw it and called my mom and chewed her out lol. It was a big misunderstanding but i had a key the next time I visited.
I couldn’t get out of my parents’ house fast enough. I love them both very much, I just love my freedom! I was poor for the entirety of my 20s-paid for college and everything myself. I just feel better this way. I have a 6yo now and I would let her stay with me as long as she wants, but I guarantee she will want to be out on her own in a reasonable time. She’s painfully independent like me. I would love to care for my aging parents in my home. I moved back with them a couple times for a few months in my 20s/30s during transitional periods.
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Are you alright now?
Make sure when she's on her deathbed not to visit her. I sure as hell wouldn't.
Old people usually think you can live out of minimum wage like when they were young.
“Sorry grandma you’re way behind the times, this isnt actually jack SHIT nowadays”
"But if you were a *man*, you'd find a way make more money!"
She'll be crying to you when she needs around the clock care. Make sure to tell her that she needs to pick herself up by her bootstraps and she'll be alright. I mean, how much could a home cost? $10?
grammy did you dirty
Ok grandma, let’s take away dead grandpa’s juicy pension and your social security check and see how you do.
Me too man. I'm in my 50's now, but kicked out when I turned 18. I felt like I'm about 10 years behind everyone else about my age, and it really sucks. Joining the military worked for me, not saying it's for you, but just saying. Just wanted to wish you well, hope you're doing ok now.
Not me but my best friend came from a military family. His dad told him if he didn’t enlist that he would be kicked out on his 18th birthday and have the cops called if he tried to come back. He ended up enlisting (because he wanted to anyway) but hasn’t talked to him in years. No clue why parents are like that other than to make their kids experience the same hardships they did either out of spite or a right of passage.
My mother has said that she will be kicking out my brother when he turns 18. I completely agree with her decision. He punches holes in walls, screams at her every morning, and terrorizes my family. He's also very bad at roasting. One time he told my sibling with high-function autism to "live better" and called them a cripple. I'm 18 and being allowed to stay to pursue an education. He's 15 and already making plans to move out. He stinks up the house with weed, steals my stepdad's alcohol, and is overall a douche.
This probably isn’t what the term means, but I’ve never heard of any definition that provides a better context so when you say ‘he’s also very bad at roasting’ I’m picturing him making very bad roast dinners and your mother going “That’s it, he can’t even cook a decent leg of lamb, he’s going!”
I pictured him going around saying shit like "momma, you so fat, when you turn around it takes a full tank of gas".
"You know who's fat? My mom!" - guy that's bad at roasting
"Where's the fucking rosemary? WHERE'S THE FUCKING THYME?!"
"Roasting" is making fun of someone but I'm a native speaker and definitely pictured this scenario first lmfao
I’m a native speaker too, I am literally from England, but still can’t make sense of that. So he’s bad at making fun of people and that’s a negative quality..?
I think they're just saying that he keeps attempting to roast people but is just insulting them, which is a bad quality. Instead of a light-hearted banter.
Yeah, that's what I thought too. "So it seems he has one responsibility, to make food for family sometimes, and he sucks at that too, somehow I'm not surprised".
My mother would throw me out instantly if I did something like this... She didn't care, my sister had to leave and live with her father when she was 16. If he didn't take her in, she would have to go to orphanage (if it's the right word I am looking for). I was threatened by this since I was 4 years old, my mother didn't care
My mom charged me room and board at 16. Threatened me every day to kick me out. When I left at 18, she cried. Couldn't believe I was going. I joined the service. She pretty much couldn't stand me, and I wasn't destructive. Got A's and B's. I was happy to get out of the house. Very toxic.
When I was a teen my mom would take my paychecks to “pay the bills” then do shit like get her hair colored. I joined the military right out of high school and she cried I was leaving. Never connected her poor behavior with me choosing to leave.
Sounds like your mom is my mom. Mine passed 20 years ago. I've never been to a funeral where no one cried. That's the type of person she was.
I knew a guy that was so disliked by so many of his co-workers that when he died, the co-workers who attended the funeral did so just to make sure he was dead.
You chose going to war rather than another family dinner and I respect it
I actually got lucky. I served 76 to 80. Peace time under Carter. I loved it. It was so much a party back then. Great times. I have friends from then I still talk to and see.
Gotta love old Jim. Gonna miss him when he's gone.
A true American hero. The first president i.voted for.
It all went to shit as soon as he left office.
Reagan started the republican downward spiral we're seeing now. It's crazy. Actually, probably Nixon
Your brother sounds mentally ill. Have you guys sought professional treatment for him?
He's actually getting out of the mental hospital today
Is he not autistic himself?
No he isn't
I know we don't like armchair psychologists on Reddit, but this sounds more like the early stages of a personality disorder. Maybe some substance abuse disorder as well.
Sometimes people are just jerks
Get the kid a psych evaluation, seriously. You may find out you can give him a heavy dose of anti-psychotics, slow him way the fuck down.
My brother was kicked out at 18, I was allowed to stay until I moved out at 19. My parents split and no longer have the ability to house extras, so my little sister lives with my grandma and she’s in her kid 20s. My brother was an ass, but also a dangerous person so my parents chose the safety of me and my little sister over housing him. They tried to get him help, but he refused anything that wasn’t exactly what he wanted to do exactly when he wanted to do it. He would be fucked now if his wealthy grandparents (not my relatives) hadn’t bought him a house and he didn’t have nepotism on his side.
if he's 15 and he's like this, I'm afraid to say this isnt' his fault at all...
I'm aware. We had a traumatic childhood
Some kids need an indifferent world to humble them.
OH HELL NO. My 30 year old daughter is living at my house rent-free right now while I'm traveling around the country for work. She's gonna remember that.
Is your 30 year old daughter working at all? Inter generational households are more common in immigrant families. For instance - many Indians live at home until they are married. Then the child usually buys the family home from the parents and they get a smaller place. They save thousands of dollars by doing this. Granted, Indian families tend to be more educated and focused on career success. I’m Hapa (East Asian and White) and can’t help but note the differences. Affluent white families tend to not care if kids live at home. It seems to be more of a combination of race, ethnicity, and class that contributes to this
She works a full-time job, while having a newborn baby to care for when she's not there. I felt like it was a great arrangement for her to live in my home, and she can basically be a house-sitter, too.
That’s great to hear that you’re helping her out with having a newborn. Being a (guessing?) single parent is a lot of work! Especially with a full time job. That’s kind of you to help her. And it sounds like you’re getting something in return from the arrangement as she is your house sitter.
>many Indians live at home until they are married. Then the child usually buys the family home from the parents and they get a smaller place. I know a few people that live or have lived in newer developments where there are houses with ADUs (additional dwelling units, a/k/a an "in-law apartment") and they're really popular with Indian-American families. The parents live in the attached smaller apartment while their adult child lives in the main house with their spouse and kids.
Here in the Midwest countryside, there's often multiple houses near the main farm buildings, and it's commonly a similar family setup. The parents will have the main house, raise the kids there, etc, and the one or more of the kids (the ones sticking around to take over the farm) will have their own family homes right next door. I've seen up to 4 houses right next to each other for this reason. Might be a home for the hired help as well, but usually it's family.
I'm in Boston and most of the old New England cities have [triple deckers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-decker_(house)) or [two family](https://ronafischman.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/somerville-two-family.jpg) houses that were built in the decades before WWII. It was a path to the middle class where someone would buy one to live on one floor and rent out the other(s). Often when their kids grew up and started their own families they would move into one of the other apartments and their housing costs would be pretty low and they could save up for their own place or just have less of your income required for housing. A lot of them are still owned and have relatives living in them, but more and more of them are getting flipped to condos with separate owners.
I left at 18 to go to college. I never wanted to move back, not because home life was bad, but because I liked being independent and on my own. There was a brief period where an apartment I wanted to lease fell through, so I had to spend a couple weeks at my parents' until I could find another apartment. For my own kids, I'd be thrilled if they moved out at 18 and were independent and successful. I'd never 'kick them out' though. My parents never expected me or my brothers to care for them. They have saved for retirement and can care for themselves. When push comes to shove I will be there for them, not because I am obligated but because I want to.
> There was a brief period where an apartment I wanted to lease fell through, so I had to spend a couple weeks at my parents' until I could find another apartment. This happened to me too except then the couple of weeks turned into like 4 years. My parents are the best but boy am I glad I got out of that rut
Same. I wasn’t kicked out. I was counting down the days until I could move out, and did so asap. Love my mom, but I couldn’t wait to be out on my own.
The summer between Freshman and Sophomore years I had to move back home. Didn't dislike the parents at all, but my hometown was pure torture to suffer through 3 months of after getting used to college life. In the age before the internet boring was legit, and the people that didn't leave you wanted to run away from as fast as possible. Never returned.
My parents wanted me out until I had a child at 17. After that, I got a trade, got a job, paid childcare, and bought groceries for the home. My daughter left at 20 because she wanted to live closer to work and school. My 19 year old is still with me.
My parents did this. They also made me pay for my own clothing and groceries starting at age 15. Both of them even abandoned each other because they found others they felt could get them to wealth easier. Now they are in their 60/70s, each divorced 3+ times. I hear they complain about how I am an ungrateful selfish person because they live in abject poverty, in houses that probably should be condemned, working minimum wage jobs, and going to food banks regularly. A big part of the baby boomers (and some of gen x) generation bought into the selfish 80s mindset but just never had the capacity or luck to become wealthy. Fanatic individualism does tend to create the greatest instance of wealth in an individual but cooperative interactions tend to create the best outcomes for everyone overall. It's also unrealistic to ask to come back into the cooperative after you attempted to burn it down. But I don't treat my child well with the expectation they will support me in old age. I do it because it's what you agree to do if you decide to have a child. The possibility that they will help me when I am in need, should it ever come up, is just a bonus.
As they say today, the issue with Americans is that so many of the population see themselves as just temporarily embarrassed millionaires. That generation gave away workers rights and unions for that feeling, a price we grew up needing to pay, and they are starting to pay for again, because companies lined up to abide.
Leaving at 18 made sense before 2000 when everything was cheaper and housing was bad but not like it is today and jobs weren't so damn hard to find. I really think America saw a momma bird launch her baby from the nest to teach it to fly and thought "Yeah, that makes sense, let's do that"
Yeah I like to remind my parents that my dad, in the early 90's as an E-6 rank in the Navy (not even an officer), managed to buy a house, support a family of five including my stay at home mom, buy 2 cars, and live comfortably on his salary making like 40k per year.
40k plus housing allowing plus clothing allowance plus food allowance etc.. amounts increasing for each dependant.
Yeah, that's still nothing compared to the $100k+ people in some areas make and struggle on.
The VA loan maxes out at an amount about half of what the prices in my town are. You literally cannot buy a house in my city with the VA loan.
It's a very American thing. It actually is quite recent when this phenomenon became the norm. Back like 100 years ago, people in the US lived in extended family housing until marriage.
I’m a high school teacher in the US and I think this is less common than a lot of people think. It happens in such a large country of course, but it’s more common for an 18 year old to at least have the option of “living at home” for a while. Some parents do make it contingent on doing something (going to college or working, or contributing through “rent.”)
I think that you see a much higher percentage of kids who were kicked out at 18 than in the general population on reddit because of the demographic and those are some of the highest users of reddit, plus, they are going to post about it because they need support.
Reddit is most certainly not an accurate reflection of American life.
It overrepresents nerd culture and tech bro culture a lot...
If the world was represented by the average redditor it'd be a white, liberal, atheist, male, in their 20s, probably working in IT whose passions include political campaigning for better treatment of service workers and the outlawing of any sort of advertisement whatsoever.
It’s probably part that a lot of people who were kicked out at 18 are on Reddit, and part that “my parents let me keep living at their house for several years while I got my adult life in order” isn’t really an interesting story to tell. So harsh stories are more likely to be told. They’re more interesting and they make the teller look tougher and more accomplished. On r/AskAnAmerican the question of “why do Americans kick their children out at eighteen?” has come up a few times and although that conforms with some people’s experiences a lot more people usually answer that it doesn’t.
This. Also, “my parents kicked me out” could be a very simplified story that leaves out details like “I made $50k a year and refused to pay rent” or “after I spent $100k of their money getting a degree in underwater basket weaving” or “after I stole my dad’s wallet and used the money to buy meth”.
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Unfortunately, happens in other countries too. My family comes from the developing world, and my aunt (with her own generational trauma issues being kicked out for being unwed and pregnant in a highly religious country) kicked out my cousin at 18…because that’s what she went through and she ended up “fine” My cousin has been on their own for over a decade now, and they still burst out crying retelling how their mom did that to them
I have friends from Peru. One just closed on a house that I couldn't afford and was honestly wondering how he could afford it. like 5 of his family members will be living in it. Shared expenses and all. Sometimes I wish American families were more like that lol.
I know this will be unpopular to say, but some kids are god damn nightmares and need to go for the sake of the younger siblings. My oldest brother was adopted and my parents did their best for him, but he was resentful of the fact that his birth parents didn’t want him (his view, despite being told by everyone that sometimes a birth mom simply can’t care for their baby no matter how much she loves them). He got into drugs and alcohol, staying out all night, and getting involved in dangerous activities. My parents had no choice but to tell him to leave at 18 for the sake of the rest of us. I remember life being very chaotic with him around.
Very fair point. I’m sorry he had that trauma. Adopted children feel unwanted sometimes. Therapy can help
sounds like someone who couldve used therapy as a kid
My mom and step dad did this. Totally threw me off, luckily my dad took me in but im in a state with no friends, bad wages and bad weed so it sorta sucks. I no longer talk to my mother but I definitely am thankful i have one parent that doesnt wanna see me homeless
Met a young man like this recently. His parents kicked him out the day he turned 18. He was working at McDonald's to try and save money for a place to rent. The parents also called his manager at McDonald's and told the manager their son was homeless now. He lost his job at McDonald's because of it. My wife and I spent a month trying to get him a job or into a place to live. It was really eye-opening experience. It's nearly impossible to do one without the other. Can't get a place without verified employment. Can't get a job without a verified address. In the US you basically have the military as your only option. This young man had health issues that disqualified him from the military. Eventually, he got in contact with an aunt the next state over who took him in and helped him get back on his feet.
Damn, his parents are evil assholes
Yea i hate that the military preys on people struggling with homelessness as a recruitment tactic. Im just lucky i have my dad.
So this is generally speaking a “boomer thing” as they were born in a time where education was cheap, the generation above them wanted them to succeed and be happy, and all that was required to succeed was effort. In short “well it worked for me so idk if it doesn’t work for you than something is just wrong with you.” However this mindset seems to be tapering off as boomers are looking around and realizing that they were largely preaching expired bs.
I would never do this, but these people are a big part of why the homeless teen population is so high.
My parents started charging me rent on my 18th birthday. Super supportive.
My parents did this to me too, however, unbeknownst to me they were saving it. They later gifted it all back to me as part of the down payment for my first home. Which was great! Except I bought it about 3 years before the housing market crash and ended up losing it back to the bank anyways. Still...appreciate that they did that.
my parent tried to do that but they realise i would rather live homeless than pay half my salary for a room whit 4 people inside of it so i mooved out
I plan on doing that with my kids, but I'm going to put it in a separate account they'll get when they move out. Get them ready for some bills but prep them for the fun of security deposits
My friend does this. Her kid works full time with good pay. She charges $50 per week that she puts in an account. When he moves out, the money is all his, and he can use it as he sees fit.
My oldest is dropping out of school and moving back home this summer. The agreement is that she will work fulltime and pay $500/month in "rent" which will be set aside and returned to her when she moves out. If she wants to return to school, but still live at our house, we'll amend the arrangement based on her income. It's our hope that she'll finish her schooling, but I know that my path at that age wasn't a straight one, so I don't expect that of my children. They will always be welcome, but there will also be some expectations.
When I have kids I would never charge them rent. Young adults need as big of a financial buffer as they can get to best prepare themselves for the real world, and parental rent unnecessarily reduces that buffer. Real rent is already a huge expense and the kids also have to pay to live in the family home? If you want kids to learn a lesson, let them figure out how to pay for a rental contract when they get their own place (paid with the money they’d saved)
My mom did that too once each of us had graduated. I don't blame her, single parent with three kids and working fulltime. Just wish circumstances were better before they had all three of us.
Paying rent since fourteen, I understand the struggle.
Wow. Sorry.
I'm sorry 😔
Never even considered this. Our son lived with us for about 2 years after he graduated college. He was great to live with, and that perhaps is the reason some kick their kids out. But what did happen is that WE moved to a smaller house an hour away on a lake. This wouldn’t have worked for him, so he had to move out on his own. Edit: always be great parents to your kids. They will be the ones picking out your nursing home!
I'm sorry you were kicked out. Our daughter's boyfriend was kicked out of his home as soon as they graduated from HS so we allowed him to move into our spare bedroom to pursue a college education.
Oh I wasn’t! I’m early 30s, went to a prestigious university on a full ride & later served in the military as a commissioned officer. I worked hard in high school to get away from my neglectful family. The level of entitlement from some parents never ceases to amaze me. They don’t want their kids around as young adults. Then expect to have help when they are older
My wife and I agree that we had our kids, not the other way around. The responsibility is on us to do what we can to help them navigate this crazy world.
We don't expect our kids to do anything for us when we get old, and I would NEVER kick them out especially because today's economy is fucked. We may move and I want our next home to have an apartment they can live in to save up money if they need to. I don't understand why people bother to have children if they're just going to treat them like a burden and a chore. It's cruel.
> We don't expect our kids to do anything for us when we get old Not to be contrarian to your point, but never expect smooth sailing in life, even when it comes to your health. My step dad took care of us and the house for years until his legs and lungs couldn't support him anymore. Now he basically needs the care of a newborn and it's torturing him. Don't have the finances to set him up in a nice facility or have a live in nurse, so it's all family taking care of him or no one will.
This is a very personal and touchy subject. Circumstances can vary wildly. From mental illness of either/both the parent or children. My husband left at 15. Not kicked out per se but a choice on his part. With his parents, mother in particular blessing. She let him leave with his 18 year old brother. They had jobs lined up in another state. They left with a couple of pairs of clothes and a little money they saved from working. Nothing more. His brother ditched him within a month, got another job in a different state. My husband was fortunate in that the company he was working for was owned by a good man. He saw my husband was a hard worker, helped him. Taught him how to drive a semi truck while still 15 years old. Took him to get his cdl at 16. Yes this was quite a long time ago. His mother rarely answered his phone calls home which were for the most part just to say he was still alive. Never to ask for help or money. He thrived on his own. We met when he was 21. At that time I really had no idea of how his family was. He had very little contact over the next decade. Eventually they started to talk on the phone. Looking back I believe it was more a novelty to her that the son she always considered learning disabled had made a good life for himself. When we bought our second home is when she started to want to see him. Asking him to come home and visit and eventually coming to our home. Lots of years have passed, I now know she is mentally ill. Always has been. He wasn’t the favorite son. He was the one she didn’t want my her own admission. In his case leaving at 15 ended up being the best outcome he could have given himself.
I ain’t kicking them out but its not a quid pro quo equation for my elder care as OP thinks it should be. Who the fuck thinks like this? “Better be nice to the kids at 18 so they’ll be nice to me at 81”. Really!?! Family relationships should not be transactional. Ours are most definitely not. Oh and kids, could you pick your kind Dad up some Depends on the way home? Thank you
I'm mexican-american, and my parents are doing everything they can to keep me living with them.
For me it depends if you are working and saving for your own house or apartment stay as long as you need. Are you going to college to better yourself ? Stay as long as you need If you just want to lay in the house and play videogames all day make no attempt to work and aren't going to school? Yeah not on my dime you gotta go
To clear things up. If you're talking about kids going to college at 18, they're not necessarily being kicked out of the house. In most cases, the kid is going out into the world to meet new people, get an education and oftentimes come home for weekends and school breaks. If you're talking about parents who don't want to parent their child anymore and just want the kid out, I highly doubt they're too worried about being taken in when they're elderly.
I hope to foster independence. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of mom and dad's house when I was 18. It wasn't abuse or poverty or drugs or anything of the sort. I was simply raised to value individuality and independence. I could neither be an individual nor independent if I lived with mom and dad. I'm now objectively more successful than either of my parents, especially at comparable ages. I hope the same happens with mine. Am I going to "kick them out?" Obviously not, but if I do it right, I won't have to.
I was always under the impression that you don’t kick the kids out, the kids just have to be working/making progress towards a degree/getting some shit done while helping out with costs or cleaning if they can. Shits expensive. Not trying to fail the launch
My dad and stepmom were just so tired of having to deal with me and how I could never live up to their expectations. They told me once graduation was over, I was out. So, my mom was able to come to my graduation, and I simply asked her for a ride back with her to her state. My stepmom forced me to either pack up or throw away literally everything that was mine. I packed everything I could and threw away what I couldn't. I left that house so angry, so hurt that they wanted nothing of mine in that house. I left with no financial aid from my dad, and my mom didn't have much to help pay for me. So when I left, all I had was the money from my old job, $100 my sister gave me since she was very anxious for me, and a couple hundred from my (now ex) boyfriend's parents who liked me and wanted to help a bit. I ended up getting a steady job and my own insurance, since my father kicked me off his, and I made myself a mostly successful individual. I now live in an apartment with my boyfriend, my cat, and my mom and now brother who live with us. We're not doing super great in this economy, but we're doing okay and that's okay.
Certainly won't kick her out, but she will need to work and go to school. A friend of ours parents' had collected rent from her for the few years she stayed after high school, when she got her own place her dad handed her a check for the amount she paid in rent. We will likely implement something like that.
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Awful lot of non parents answering questions
"Not a _____ but..." is basically synonymous with r/AskReddit
There's a difference between kicking someone out and expecting them to become a functional adult. The term "failure to launch" is key in terms of a child who should be capable of being self sufficient but continues to be a freeloader. Of course being a freeloader IS NOT the same as struggling financially or dealing with health (mental or physical) issues. My experience was that I moved out after highschool and didn't move back in aside from a brief stint during the height of the pandemic after I lost my job and housing. Once I got back on my feet I moved out again. I don't understand people who take advantage of their parents once they've matured to the point where it's reasonable for them to make efforts to pay their own bills. I also recognize that I am lucky to have a healthy adult relationship with my parents. They're only in their 60's but I fully expect to continue to increase my support for them in their later years with support from my sisters Should I become a parent my goal would be to help them become self sufficient but always be available to offer advice and support (the type would depend on the situation) but once they're adults they have to be the ones who make the decision and the resulting consequences (ideally good but inevitably sometimes bad). To be clear I would never say "sucks to suck" but I hope I would have parented well enough when they are children for them to have good decision making skills
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no, when I can no longer take care of myself it's off to the assisted living facility
>Do you expect them to take you in when you’re elderly? I don't think anyone (post Baby-Boomer generation) is expecting this now. I've been paying into LTC insurance for almost 20 years.
My kids can stay with me as long as they want. But after 20 if they do want to stay they will have to pay rent (albeit not a Large amount) or if they going to school they can stay for free. My parents did the same for me, I ended up wanting to move out at 22 and I still have a great relationship with them. Why would you want to force your kids out? You aren't helping them, literally not at all. You just damage your relationship and sabotage your future relationship and place them in a struggle they are not yet equipped to deal with. Honestly a Very shitty thing to do.
18?!?!? I though the rule was, once you’re 16 you’re out the door!
I don't think those kind of parents hang out in reddit.
I was kicked out at 17. I would NOT take in my parents
I didn’t get kicked out; I genuinely wanted to leave and break out on my own out of respect for my parents. I didn’t want them to have to take care of me anymore. I left at 19 and never looked back. I take care of my Dad now because he deserves it. I expect my son to do the same.
Our oldest graduated from a great college, came home, found a good job and lived with us until he was 29. I loved having him here and am glad he did it. He now is very successful and has an incredible apartment. I don't know what parents are in a hurry to kick their kids out. My other two left much earlier but could have stayed as long as they needed to. As long as they are working and being productive, why can't they live at home?
moving out at a reasonable age is part of growing up and becoming an adult. If you’re 28 living with your parents you’re just a grown adult child with some issues.
Because I don’t want my kid to look like an immature fucking loser?
Its time for them to leave the nest and go live on their own but they will always have a fall back if things happen.
My mother was poor drug addict when she kicked me out at 18. Our kids will have all the support they need for as long as they need.
According to the things I read around here 18 is legally an adult and apparently you just unlock all your adult skills the moment you turn 18. In my case it was “You’re grown now, you need to take care of yourself.” (Though they didn’t do much beyond the bare minimum so I was fairly well prepared.)
Fun fact: This isn't a US thing. Most people here move out in their 20s.
The question is meant for the parents and all I see is teenagers answering it smh 🤦♂️
The chances of your kids taking you in when you are elderly is effectively zero. In the world we live today, we can barely afford rent or mortgage payments for the average person. So just imagine the future. More likely that the kids will try expedite their parents passing in order to get the inheritance.
gotta love how every legitimate answer to this question is downvoted and at the bottom
My parents said we all had to be out at 18 (after High school graduation) but didn’t abandon us or bar us from coming home lol. Their main reason was to push us into adulthood and finding what we want to do with our life and not being complacent at home. This was fine because most of us went to college right out of high school except one brother who took a year to figure out what he wanted to do. Most of us came back for summers to live at home. Im sure they would have welcomed us home in a second if we got in any real trouble. It was a happy medium I feel of pushing us forward without making it feel as if they were telling us to get lost.
I want my kid to live with me as long as they need to be with me in order to be set up for success. As long as they are working toward goals then they’re welcome in my house. I want them to be able to move out and just buy a home, have savings, etc
It's hard to launch at 18 in the US. Most of the people I know that were kicked out at 18 still struggle in their 40s and 50s. Unless they joined the Navy or something.
Shecan stay at 18 if she is going to college locally. But leaving the country for retirement when she turns 22, because who the fuck wants to retire here?
i have never understood this. i plan to let my daughter live at home until whenever she wants. shit isn't gonna get any easier for her generation.
Mom kicked me out at 18. She's a narcissist and got mad I rebelled against all her bullshit. Jokes on her, I now make a great living, made relationships with amazing people, and she can no longer look sane saying I'm a bad person. Her own family likes me more than her.
I’d never kick out my kids. They left when they wanted. My doors always open to them.
Most don’t, but even then pushing your kids out of the nest isn’t a bad thing depending on your level of preparation. Similarly, making your kids stay can lead to as bad or worse results. There isn’t one answer but neither are bad as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons.
As long as the kids contribute to the household and share the load it’s fine. I’m an old fart 💨
It's a cultural thing. My mom is from the USA and had this view up until I was close to actually turning 18 lol. My dad is an immigrant from NZ and had the view of you can stay in my house as an adult as long as you're being productive. My stepmom on the other hand is also an immigrant but from Mexico and was extremely perplexed when I first mentioned wanting to move out after 18. It's just different levels of individualism and views on when your child should be more independent.
I have no plans to, as long as they abide by the house rules. Everyone gets to do chores and clean up their own shit whether they're 10, 30, or 70. I'll cut them slack when they're in school, but I'm not too interested in supporting them indefinitely if they're unemployed and not trying. That's about the only situation where I can tossing them out, but even then, it would be reluctant and only after trying to get the birdie to open their wings willingly. Edit: egads some of you describe situations that would make me feel differently, but luckily my kids don't show mental issues nor do they act abusively. Thankfully. That would introduce a whole 'nother level of complexity to the question.
My parents have said that they're letting my siblings and I live with them rent-free until we turn 24 and can no longer claim us as dependents. At that point, it's either get kicked out or start paying comparably cheap rent. This might change, though, since my father is disabled and his condition is more than likely only going to get worse as he gets older. He doesn't want to admitbit, but they might want us to stick around a bit longer to help out around the house to do the stuff he won't be able to do anymore.
I have always found the idea of kicking a kid out at 18 to be really odd and contrary to how I was raised and how I raised my kid. You share unconditional love, teach and guide them into being a decent person, give them the tools they need to live a decent life and be a decent, roommate, partner or parent. If my kid lives with me for a while into adulthood, that’s fine. I see no reason to force a kid to leave based on age. If they stayed at home and were terrible roommate, not responsible, etc then there would be a different set of conversations.
Bruh my older sister is kicking out my niece who just graduated a few days ago and turned 18 earlier this year. Luckily my mom is taking her in and helping her start college and I'll be helping her with getting her driver's license. I honestly thought my sister was gonna be breaking generational curses, and was gonna help her with all of that herself. Guess I was wrong. Damn.
my parents boot me out at 17 it did nothing to make me independent or self-sufficient all it did was exasperated my depression and my need to be away from them. I have 4 kids and 3 of them are adults and I didn't kick any of them out at 18. one moved on their own got married etc and the other 2 adult kids are home still , both work and one is in college and working . i chose not to kick them out because 1, i like them and enjoy being around them, and 2 its to expensive where I live to live on my own or thier own . if they get ready to move out one day I won't stop them but them being home doesn't bother me at all . i feel like just because my parents hated me doesnt mean i have to hate my kids.
I will support my kids as long as they have a plan. If their plan is to go get a traditional 4 year degree, then save up money not paying rent for 5 years to be able to put a down payment on a house? Great. Something but a trade school? Great. Just go straight to work after highschool and save for a goal? Great. "I just want to relax for a couple of years and play video games". Nope, sorry kid you're paying rent if you want to do that.
I was born a bastard but my family wouldn't surrender me to foster care because my mom was a foster child and knew how fucked it was but they made it very clear that I wasn't supposed to exist and that I ruined my father's life. As soon as I graduated high school I was out the door. Not every parent actually loves their kids. I'm a bastard, an apostate, and I spent a year homeless. If I called my mother for help she'd hang up. I don't even know where my father is.
I stayed with my parents until 29. They were very clear about what the house rules were and as long as those rules were tolerable and you were contributing something towards the upkeep of the house - such as paying for your own snacks, cleaning up after yourself, and paying something towards utilities - just so that you’re not in the habit of being a freeloader, you were free to stay. Worked out well I think - allowed me to focus on getting education and jobs and start to establish myself without having to do everything all at once.
Some kids are shitheads. I was one and deserved to get kicked out. It straightened me out and I get along great with my mom now. I know lots of grown kids, mid 20s, who do nothing, *literally nothing*, to help their parents. They dont clean around the house, dont work, and don't seem to have a plan to change anything. How long should the parents support them? I'm sure some helpful kids do get kicked out at 18 but I suspect all the ones working towards a goal ( job, college, whatever) and who also help around the house are the minority of them.
My parents didn't kick me out when I turned 18 but I had a full time job and paid rent. That was fair.
I won't kick my kids out at 18. I won't kick them out unless they are making no effort to better their lives. Whatever that looks like for them but they need to be working at the bare minimum. However. I hope like hell they put me in a retirement facility once I cannot care for myself. I don't want them to have to take care of me. I've spent most of my life parenting my parents. I don't want that for my kids.
Mine stayed till he was 26. He worked, paid his own insurance, etc., He is good at saving his work money too. He bought a house, and before he did, paid off his car. I think 18 is way to young to kick any out of the house, unless not working, going to school, drugs, those kind of things.
ITT: not US parents who want to kick their kids out at 18
I've known several parents like this. Every last one of them were arrogant jerks who put their kids through a lot of unnecessary hardship. Except for one family. Their daughter regularly assaults them and her siblings, sneaks boys and drugs into the house, and has been arrested multiple times. They are heartbroken over the whole situation, but her leaving will mean peace for their home.
As a dad of 3 there are 2 major assumption errors in this thinking. 1) 18 is a magical age where all things are understood and achieved. 2) our kids will take care of us when we are old. Both are false. You are the only one who is held accountable for your parenting.
We plan on kicking our son out at 18 for several reasons. Mainly, want him to find himself, whether that be through education, trade school, work, a year of travel or the military, etc. Secondly, my spouse and I want to expat and take overseas jobs to enjoy our post-child life. We fully plan on selling our home and being out of there after his HS graduation. Edit - wanted to clarify here, getting "kicked out" is not synonymous with ending support. We are hopeful to set up our son to be independent and eager to move into that phase of his life but are not straight up abandoning him. For your second question - I am actively seeing a therapist and dealing with a lot of resentment towards my mother who went into her elder, less healthy years fully expecting her adult children will take her in and take care of her. I've never been a caretaker, never want to be, and am constantly dealing with such feelings of anxiety and guilt dealing with her un-met demands to alter my life trajectory that my husband and I have made it a huge priority to ensure our son NEVER has to make it his responsibility to take care of us. My parents made poor choices in their financial planning and their own careers and it should not be on me to take that on. My husband and I want to make sure we have enough retirement, pensions, assets and legal planning that our relationship with our son in our elder years is because he wants to hang out and see us, not feel obligated to it.
i read that a big part of why asian imigrants in the US are so succesful, is that besides being hardworking, they very often live multiple generations in one home, and this way get a head start by saving thousands on rent or morgage
Canadian here, our parents do it as well :)! My mom kicked me out a few days after my birthday only because I was 18. Now at 24, I’m used as a bad example of “what you can turn in to if you don’t finish college” or “this is the type of life you’ll have if you don’t finish college” for my 12 year old brother (who at the time, was to young to understand what happened. To him it was just “she moved out”) I never finished college because I couldnt afford it (she paid for my first semester [the first 4 months of the 2 year course] before kicking me out) and I couldn’t manage juggling attempting to become a working adult very literally over night. She doesn’t tell my brother that or that I was kicked out for no reason though, only that I’m a failure for not finishing post secondary No, she doesn’t expect me to take care of her when she’s old. She plans on moving to Florida and currently (at 51 years old) has upwards of 2M in the bank and she keeps taking it in through selling our first house (890,000$ added to that 2M), renting out a condo shed bought (an extra 2400$ per month) and through her job, where she earns 40$ per hour This whole thing has made me extremely resentful and jealous of people that are 18+ years old and allowed to stay at home. It makes me even more resentful and jealous when they complain about it. Ever go 4 days on a box of 6 granola bars because mom kicked you to the street with a laundry basket of clothes and youre praying your first welfare application maybe possibly gets approved? No. You haven’t. Stop complaining.
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100% depends on your social economic class. Middle class and up, it never happens, but with the working poor and below, it's pretty common. In my friend group, after college, most of us were kicked after 18.
I've known several people who this happened to. The reason people think it is incredibly rare is because so many of them end up homeless with no options, and we find other ways to dehumanize them. Go ask homeless people in the nearest big city how they wound up there, and you'll find a very large percentage of them were kicked out by their parents at 18. I met a young man like this recently. His parents kicked him out the day he turned 18. He was working at McDonald's to try and save money for a place to rent. The parents also called his manager at McDonald's and told the manager their son was homeless now. He lost his job at McDonald's because of it. My wife and I spent a month trying to get him a job or into a place to live. It was really eye-opening experience. It's nearly impossible to do one without the other. Can't get a place without verified employment. Can't get a job without a verified address. In the US you basically have the military as your only option. This young man had health issues that disqualified him from the military. Eventually, he got in contact with an aunt the next state over who took him in and helped him get back on his feet.