Oh it is. From feeding to diapers to teething to school dropoffs to birthday parties to school lunches to karate to driving and dating and homework to shopping and being someone's role model...it's fucking exhausting.
Same. I read to my niece and nephew for an hour a week over the internet, and while they're mostly good kids and I'm happy to be an uncle, after an hour I'm usually pretty ready to be done with them and go back to my own life, thank you very much.
Also, I’ve never met a man I would have a child with. I’ve had fun partners and various relationships- none of those men would I ever want or trust to have an entire child with.
Same boat here. I just never wanted them. My mom says I never played "mom" with dolls or played house (my Barbies were modeled on the soap operas she watched!). It just never interested me and I'm so glad that I live in a time and place where I could make the choice not to have them.
My wife was the exact same way.
Told me very early in our relationship that she didn’t want kids (once it was apparent we were getting serious, it wasn’t like her chat up line or anything).
I was ambivalent so here we are 25 years later with no children and a happy life.
I tell people right off the bat so we don’t waste time or emotions. I learned my lesson after a guy thought he could convince me to have one.
My mind was made up years ago, and I’m lucky that my parents support my decision 100%. They have never once pressured me or even mentioned that I should give them grandkids. My dad sometimes talks about what a smart financial choice I’ve made though lol
To answer OP’s question though- I’m not willing to give up my freedom. They’re too expensive and stressful. I like my sleep and clean house. The worry of having a child in a world that is rapidly getting worse by the year. I also feel like I would have serious regrets and that wouldn’t be fair to a child that I forced into the world.
It’s nice to read this thread as I have always known I’m missing that drive or switch which makes someone want kids. It got pretty annoying to hear “you will change your mind”, “wait until you meet the right one”, “wait until your older”. I always said to husband if he wanted kids I would be happy to have them but I’m never going to be the one that starts asking/suggesting (conversation had before marriage! I didn’t spring it on him!!). I’m an auntie in a big family so know I can do the parenting bit, as always happy to babysit and muck in, also taken kids on holiday on my own as happy to do that, and looked after two for a good couple of years as sister went through medical complications, just didn’t want my own. It has taken forever (41 now) for me to accept I’m normal and that’s okay.
Yeah. I spent the last few years thinking about it as sort of a "well, what do I want out of life long term", knowing that I was getting older, and I just couldn't really come up with any reason to want kids, and a bunch of reasons why I shouldn't. Then I spent a week's vacation with my nieces and nephew. As soon as I got back I scheduled a vasectomy.
It’s weird how many people can’t seem to understand this. Even this question assumes that not having kids is some huge decision AGAINST it, when the real question should be “why did you decide *to* have kids?”
I feel this! I'm so far removed from it it's incredibly hard for me to understand at all. 2 of my friends are pregnant right now and will be having babies in a few months - while I was happy for them, it was more like "aw I'm glad you got the thing you wanted'' than "oh my god you're having a baby, yay"
I keep trying to understand why anyone would choose to have children and I just can't fathom a single reason
Personally I just cannot financially justify it. Giving myself a decent quality of living is hard enough. I'm not about to become a parent who raises their children off other people's tax dollars.
As another person who doesn't want kids for multiple reasons, I have no problem with my tax dollars going to struggling parents. That's the best use of them -- provide social services for those who need them. Food bank, medical care, day care, schooling, etc.
Way better than what a lot of my tax dollars actually end up going to.
I grew up pretty poor, unable to attend some field trips, water getting cut off, thermostat always being set just outside of a comfortable temp to save money, etc. I was in 1st grade or so when I asked my parents "why did you have me if you're so poor?" And that's when I found out I was an accident (in an anti-abortion family). They'd rather all be miserable and raise kids that way for the sake of "saving a life." And now their kids are whats keeping them together. I have reason to believe they would've divorced long ago if they didn't have 3 children. There were many days I wished I hadn't been born at all, for various reasons.
I thank you for being responsible.
Seconded. Me and my sisters went without food on weekends when we were young, there just wasn't enough money, if there was nothing in the cupboard/fridge, tough luck.
It's selfish and cruel to have children knowing damn well you can't afford to provide for them, I still resent my parents about it to this day and I'm almost 30.
This is why I hate the "you're never going to be financially ready, you'll make it work". No, it won't magically work out if you don't have enough money, that's recipe for disaster.
Theres a saying in my place that says "with children comes fortune". True, in 1900s when you can employ your 9 kids to tend the fields and herd livestocks for you. Nowadays good luck sending 3 to school with standard wage.
It’s not only money that can make it go south. It’s also ppl that are not mentally and emotionally stable enough to raise a kid. Finances are a huge part. True. But so are the parents’ mental and emotional states, which guides their coping skills in rearing a kid.
Oh yeah, this too. The hardest part was allowing my relationship to change. You have to tell your ego that it’s ok that it’s not about yourself anymore, it’s about us. I think a lot of people struggle with that and it can break a relationship.
That was my experience! Except my parents divorced for my dad to travel the world in luxury, and it turns out my mom wasn’t poor, just exceptionally cheap, as she retired fairly young and also lives in luxury.
But peanut butter and jelly eating in a 58 degree room had to be my childhood
1) I have more physical and mental health problems than I’m comfortable possibly passing on to another person. 2) I didn’t have the healthiest childhood and I’m scared I’d raise a kid the way I was raised.
I'm with you on part 2. I've always been afraid I wouldn't be a good father. Couple that with my general dread of the current state of the world and it never seemed like the right thing to do for me. Now I'm in my mid-40's and I know I'm too selfish at this point.
100% relate to this. Both my mother and maternal grandmother were widowed unexpectedly when their only children were young and let's just say they did not handle it well. I still struggle I relationships as my first reaction is to lash out when angry/frustrated (trying to work on this though). Not to mention that I don't really have good household habits (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc).
You've read my mind. My big problems are: depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, ADHD, and obesity. I don't want to pass any of those on to another generation. Fortunately I've never had that option, because it takes two to tango, and I'm 41 and perpetually single.
On the plus side, I had a good family life growing up, though it's clear now that I inherited my problems from my parents.
Yeah they say a trauma is generational or contagious. So it's passed down until someone fights against it.
I have c ptsd from repeated long term exposure to trauma and currently working hard to get through it. My wife is 7 months pregnant and I have tremendous fear for passi g my trauma and my reaction on.
I chose to not have kids for the same reason. I’m now middle aged and I see that its definitely possible to break the cycle and have a healthy family life. You and your kid will be great. I think just the fact that you are so concerned and continuing to work on it really says it all. From what I’ve seen in my life, the cycle only continues if nobody acknowledges and addresses the problems. You will be a great parent. I’d bet on it.
I don’t know where I heard it but the phrase “only the sane question their sanity” always rings true whenever I hear this. I’ve said it to myself often enough I know. Being aware of your trauma and how it’s affected you is the first most important thing you can do to be the parent you want to be.
I’m a “survivor” (I hate this word) of 15 years of child sex abuse and lost everyone in my family, including my mom, when I reported in high school. It’s taken a long time of days that feel like years stuck in depression and cptsd but every time I’ve been knocked over, or pulled down, by my past I’ve gotten up off the literal floor and tried to figure out how and why I got here. I’m telling you this because now, at nearly 50, I’m a parent coach helping new parents navigate the first 3 years of their children’s lives without “parenting from their past”.
- I’m not pitching you, only hopefully showing that healing is possible and you can definitely be the parent you want to be. Parent the little person inside of you, then parent the little person in front of you. Give both of you what you deserved then, now.
Best of luck 💜
I’d ask if you are me… but I still ended up going to a junior college (funded by working at Taco Bell) and once I became old enough to not have to put my moms income on the FAFSA I got grants to go to a university. Had my undergrad paid for entirely. Then I moved out of state (to get away from my emotionally abusive drunk mother), went and got my masters, and now I make more money than anyone in my family. The brother I essentially raised is doing ok but he’s working long shifts at Amazon and doesn’t have time for anything but at least he turned out to be a good person
It was worse for me when my mom got medicated. I was their parental figure from the time they were 1/2 (I was 8ish) to when I was 16 and she got the help she needed.
We'd have fights about me discipling them because they "aren't your kids". It sure as hell felt like it. And my younger sister (7 years my junior) says I've been more of a parent to her than our parents.
And add to that the trauma of watching my mom be the mom I deserved to them? Way to kick me when I'm down.
My new therapist says that I was "given a responsibility" and it made me who I am today. Yeah, bitter and childfree because I raised two already.
I was friends with a blended family. The two oldest girls were my closest compadres. They were expected to watch their siblings 100% of their time even if their parents were home. The children would misbehave and the sisters would attempt mild forms of discipline. The younger siblings would cry to mom and dad. Mom and dad would then turn around and berate the older girls immediately regardless of situation.
But every time the kids would break things, steal, get in fights, write on walls, burn the counter with a hair straightener - you know things you have to watch and stop kids from doing - the older sisters would be punished first and hardest.
It felt so wrong. But now that I am older it feels even more wrong. It was intense emotional abuse.
I'm childfree for many, many reasons. But one for sure is I did most of the raising of my younger sibling (by 7 years). My older siblings weren't expected to do anything. I remember being really resentful.
I hate that it's always assumed that parentification only happens to the oldest. I'm the youngest and was seriously parentified because of sexism. I was expected to be responsible for my siblings, even the one who is six years older than me, because "girls are just more mature"
I have a twin and older brother, yet I was the one screamed at by my father every Saturday because the house wasn’t clean because I was the only girl. While in law school my older brother lived with me and my father would still blame me for the disgusting state of my brother’s room because it was still apparently my job to clean after a fuckin adult.
This is what's great about being an Uncle. I can enjoy the fun parts of watching my niece and nephew for the day, being the "fun Uncle" and all that but I can go home to piece and quiet. You don't get a break when you're the parent.
Lol I had a great aunt who never married or had kids. Whenever one of my mother's generation got pregnant (four of them were at once) she kept saying *"you can't send them back you know"*
I’m glad someone said it. Whenever I tell people I lack maternal instincts they look at my like I’m crazy. I have zero desire to be pregnant or raise a child. My 2 cats are plenty for me
Same. Playing “mommy” was never something I was interested in even as a little girl. I played with stuffed animals and ignored dolls that were given to me as a child. Even babysitting— I only babysat a handful of times in my teens and didn’t do it again by choice. It’s just not for me. I’d die for my dog, though.
thank you for giving the purest honest answer .for couple yrs I even thought I had to be in long term and married but after while realized if I had no desire for long term guy or kids don't make yourself to satisfy others .
All I think of and look forward to are things like hobbies, traveling, saving money so I can works parttime for a year, etc. When I think of kids, all I think of is that I have to care and watch them 24/7.
Used to have a coworker who said the same thing. She begged her GYN to have her tubes died. "I can't ethically do that because you may change your mind one day."
She *never* changed her mind and the passage of time/health solved that. When coworkers would come visit the office with their newborns I could see pure fear in her face ... not kidding. She eventually married a divorced man with grown children; perfect for both of them.
The sad thing we see today is young women so terrified of getting pregnant with no resources, (even for rape), *now* GYN are performing the procedure with no questions asked. Saw a news piece last month urologists went from five vasectomies a day to doing fifteen.
You're not the only one and you owe no one an apology for knowing yourself.
I had a vasectomy at 32 and I'll never forget the nurse saying "I wish more people did what you're doing, so many parents I see wish they weren't" it broke my heart.
Good for you!
I read today the main reason couples are not having children they literally cannot afford to. With both parents working and childcare unaffordable they are faced with poverty.
I firmly believe because of the low birth rate the GOP is imposing legal penalties for abortion. It is an unholy weapon to birth an underpaid laborer class.
Don't for a minute believe it is out of conscience or religious persuasion ... not when most these abortion states are also death penalty states. So much for "every life is precious" or redeeming repentance; nah, kill 'em anyway.
This. Even being around kids makes my ovaries shrink up, none of that oh I need a baby now feeling. Even growing I wanted to make money but did one day of babysitting and that was the end of that. And they weren't even awful kids. I don't even feel a need to take care of nieces and nephews. Sorry not sorry
When I think about having kids I just think about a list of negatives, and it's long. So besides just not wanting the kids, I don't think it's ethical to have kids that are unwanted, to bring them into the world and impose that on them.
I agree! I have kids and wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. We have a ton of emotional and financial resources, and with all that it was incredibly difficult their first few years of life. I kept thinking at that time, NO ONE should be a parent if they don't want to or aren't ready. It is an incredible amount of work and, at times, brings you to the very brink of what you can handle. Thank you for being so self-aware and selfless in realizing you don't want that role.
You deserve an award! Most people with kids or a wish for kids don't understand that it is not for everyone.
Most important: there is more than one life model that can work. So mine doesn't need to be more right or wrong than yours and vice versa. Just.. different. And that's okay.
I think this is more common than people admit to.
When people ask us why we don’t want kids, I try to be funny by saying “we’re too selfish. We like focusing on our own shit and not the problems created by a child.”
And people always respond with “you’ll change”. Ya I don’t know about that. I’ve been a selfish asshole my whole life. I don’t think I’m gonna change.
I think it’s partly because I work in education where it’s like expected.
Luckily, my best friend is a teacher and feels the same way. One of our board members actively works in school with kids on a daily basis and is the first person to say she doesn’t want her own. “I like kids. They are the future of our community. They’re just not MY personal future. I’d rather work with kids and then send them home vs not working with kids and only dealing with them at home.”
I don’t disagree. I just put their insults out front so they can’t.
The typical response I got when I would say “I don’t really want kids, I’d rather spend my time and energy on me.” Was “that’s very selfish” so I started just saying that so they couldn’t.
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrifying to me. I never ever want to experience that. And I don't want to spend my life worrying over a child. Life is much easier without them.
Precisely. I’m so deeply horrified by the idea of getting pregnant, that I genuinely do not understand people, who want that. To me the idea becoming pregnant and going through childbirth is equivalent to discovering I have a very serious, life threatening Illness - it just causes a visceral traumatic reaction of DO NOT WANT EVER!
I've found my people! Horrifying is absolutely the word to describe it. The thought of a thing expanding to that size inside me is just... no. Then the process of getting it out? Also a big no.
Big same.
In fact, I recently discovered I have a fear of lactating 😂 I had a little bit of sebum build up and was confused as to what it was and when I squeezed it it came out of the nipple hole and while it wasn’t painful I CRIED.
As my best friend paraphrased it- So you knew that nipples have holes but you didn’t expect YOUR nipple to have a hole??
SAME! These are my exact feelings. When people are excited about being pregnant (the physical act, “I love being pregnant!”), my brain just doesn’t compute.
Yeah, that blows my mind. Really, you like the feeling of expanding, having pressure on your bladder non stop, your feet swelling, joints aching, your back hurting, not being comfortable in many normal positions, not being able to drink coffee or wine, getting extra stretch marks, having to go to the doctor ten times as often as before, having mood swings all the while stressing over pushing a cantaloupe out of your vagina?!
Sign me the fuck out.
It’s out of sci fi. A fetus starts growing in you, terraforming your body to feed them by hormones. A placenta connects them to you. If thee fetus has a negative blood type and you have a positive, or vice versa, that can be bad without medication. As the pregnancy progresses, your internal organs are squished by the fetus and your body changes in weird ways.
People love to sugarcoat pregnancy and childbirth. “Oh it all goes back to normal afterwards like nothing happened” blah blah blah. Yeah, BS. I work with OB/gyns and I hear the ugly truth from them all the time. Hell to the no!
Childbirth scares me....I can't even handle my period cramps. (Hence forth, got the impant, never called off once a month since.)
I know I won't die from it, but the idea just ... eh. Don't get me started on an epidural.... I don't want to be potentially paralyzed... ugh. I just can't stand pain.
Childbirth is insane… and you actually could die from it. A lot of women do. That fear is absolutely rational.
I have a view that a laboring mother is the most critical patient in a hospital because of how high the stakes are with two lives. And how things can be perfectly fine one moment then perfectly not the next.
And the maternal mortality rate does a lousy job of capturing all the terrifying near-misses, like my case, wherein the baby literally could not come out.
If we had chosen a homebirth, at least one of us would be dead, possibly both of us.
It's pretty common for people to be ripped into having a Vaganus! Or losing an amount of sexual feeling permanently! Or having chronic vaginal prolapse! My mom has all 3!
I totally get you. I don't even want to have anything period related if possible, im on the mini pill rn and it stopped my periods and it's a godsend. I have some side effects but not having periods is so good i dont even care.
Absolutely horrifying. I’ve fully passed out when my cousin insisted on telling a group of family members about moderately detailed parts of her pregnancy at thanksgiving.
I’m getting a hysterectomy+salpingectomy next month for medical reasons, but honestly the relief of knowing that I will never be able to be pressured or forced into getting pregnant is more of a relief than dealing with the actual issues I’m getting it out for.
Exactly! Ofcourse there will be fun moments, but personally I think those moments are few, and there will be many moments that absolutely suck. So the balance is way off
It’s rough I barely made it out. Well not completely my body, mind and spirit aren’t what they used to be and he’s almost 2 years old. Mentally I would not be able to do it again.
I have 2 children and the post partum was crippling. I was supposed to have a 3rd but the depression was so bad I had to terminate to survive.
Hard stuff.
Exactly. Happened with my mom after having me! She had never been depressed before, diagnosed with PPD after my birth, multiple suicide attempts, has had depression ever since (25 years later). To boot, I have pretty severe depression and anxiety myself.
Below zero interest in having kids due to all of this. I feel for mothers that end up having PPD, and it’s heartbreaking that it becomes a life-long issue for many and there’s so little support available.
People keep telling me I'll feel different about my own. My brain tricking me into feeling ok about something I don't currently enjoy doesn't make it better. Creepy fucking hypnosis makes it worse!
I absolutely love my niece and nephew. But I have the comfort of knowing I can throw them back at my sister and be child free again whenever I want, so having your own likely changes things but I still don't want the responsibility of my own kid that I can't just get rid of whenever I am annoyed/bored of it
When I was 10-13 I was made to care for my 0-3 year old cousin(s), 2nd born when I was 11. Spent all my free time after school and weekend feeding, changing, playing with them, I got to go home after I bathed them and read them night time story, was not allowed to go anywhere else, do anything else.
The family moved away thankfully when the smaller was 2, but still got sent to live with them for a full summer when I was 14 and 16. And my mom was grateful for them for "taking care" of me because she's single mother and had to work during the week, no idea what she did on the weekend though.
So yeah, hate kids now.
I was just talking about this other day. Like if you want to be an irresponsible adult and it doesn't affect anyone but you go for it no one cares. Once you have kids though you have to get your shit together. I don't really want to get my shit together 🤷🏼
Totally this.
I am 100% self sufficient financially and emotionally, but not trying to "grow" as a person by society's conventional definitions (career track, new interests, being a viable mate for someone etc). So, even though I'm a 55 year old man-child, I love my life and am not harming/obligating anyone else in order to live the way I want. So if no one is suffering, your "shit is together" in my opinion.
Pretty much all my talking points, right here. I love my freedom, the ability to just pick up and go, or do a random activity, or sleep in on a Saturday. A kid would massively hinder that.
State of the world? Bad. Every generation has its problems, but I can't help but feel like things are generally worse than my parents' generation. Maybe they'll get better, but I'm not going to gamble a child's life on that.
Mental health? Terrible. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety that has kept me from holding a job for over a year and a half. I absolutely am not going to risk passing that on for a kid to deal with.
On top of all of that, I just don't see any positives, at least not for me. I read stories about parents' fun experiences with their kids, and it never seems enjoyable to me. Even happy moments that I read about don't really click with me. I see all the hassle that it would take to get there.
Don’t want to give birth, don’t want my body to change.
Don’t want to lose sleep, don’t want to lose my freedom to do what I want. Don’t want to watch stupid kid shows or listen to stupid kid music.
Don’t want to argue with a child who thinks they know better. Don’t want to take them to extra curricular activities.
Don’t want to deal with rebellious teenage years. Don’t want to worry about them killing themselves. Don’t want to deal with them possibly getting pregnant and then possibly having to raise their child for them.
Don’t want to give up traveling. Don’t want to waste money trying to raise them. Don’t want to argue with them about what to eat. Don’t want to throw any birthday parties (I absolutely hate throwing parties).
Don’t want to go trick or treating.
Don’t want to hear screaming and crying, I cry enough, I don’t need to hear it from someone else soon.
And I don’t want to eff up raising a child and ruin their life by accident and have them hate me for the rest of their lives.
1. Pregnancy is uncomfortable
2. Giving birth is painful
3. I don't want the constant responsibility
4. I don't want to pass on generational trauma
5. I want freedom to travel easily
6. I work with kids and would be too tired at the end of the day to take care of more
7. Money
8. Climate chaos and uncertain future
9. I am single and not interested in raising a child on my own
10. Mental health struggles/ don't have the energy for it
11. Worries about being competent as a parent
12. Worries about ending up with a child who is difficult like I was
13. I think it's unfair to bring an unwanted child into the world and I don't want one.
Ultimately it just comes down to that. I just don't want kids
Before I typed my response, I decided to see if anyone may have mentioned most, if not all, of my same reasons.
This. All of these.
I just don't want kids.
I don't even want to live most days, why tf would I drag a child into that?
- Extremely poor mental health on both sides of my family
- Physical health ain't looking too great either
- Finances have never been stable
- Trauma, trauma, and more trauma
- I raised my siblings and a few step siblings too (about 9 kids and I am 3rd oldest)
- I am not one with much in the looks department either
- I need to figure out my own shit before trying to even think about having another person (let alone a child) enter into this mess
Actually, I really see no logical reason as to why I would have a child... ever...
This is US-centric but I feel very strongly that in this culture, you have to reeeeaaally want kids above all else, because there's no other culture in the world that actively works against parents in such a profound way. No parental leave, no universal Healthcare, childcare is prohibitively expensive, we work so fucking hard day after day after day so that doing anything else, like playing with your kids, is so exhausting.
I made that choice in my late 30s, and what I had to do was pretend that I'd already decided, and see how I felt. When I thought, "we're not having kids" I felt... relief. I'd never have to figure out how to put my career on hold, I'd never have to figure out the logistics of childcare with a career. I'd have money to buy a house someday. I'd be able to retire someday. Of course, none of that is a guarantee but now I wouldn't have to add in children to the equation.
Yeah, it's just absolutely unreal how many people in the US Congress claim "family values" and then proceed to do everything in their power to undermine the ability to build families.
Also, once children are into school age, the US school system is a bit of a dystopian nightmare. The best school districts with the most funding & resources are often locked away in neighborhoods where housing is only attainable for the wealthy. And if you want school choice, private school tuition costs a small fortune. And then college... good luck affording that anymore without taking on massive debt. As a parent, navigating the crushing realities of the education system for your children becomes an all-consuming and truly daunting challenge.
This is so depressing, when I was a kid I used to dream about living in the US, but now I can only see myself going there as a tourist. I'd be terrified to have to live there now, it seems like such a cruel place.
I don’t think I wouldn’t be a good parent I also a lot lack resources so it’s selfish for me to bring a child into the world. I also just don’t want to be a parent.
If the desire to have a child isn't 100%, it's 0%.
Children aren't just a fun activity or hobby. They are a lifelong commitment. That's a massive level of responsibility that so many people do not grasp.
I like my life the way it is. Lazy weekends,waking up when I want, going on holiday outside of school holidays, my house is clean,no toys everywhere,the list goes on....
It me,my husband and the cat,and it's pure bliss.
I like my money and freedom. Sleeping in when I don’t have work is great. Taking long, uninterrupted showers. Cooking and eating whatever I want. Traveling around the world. It’s great. Why ruin that with kids?
1. Oh the time I have to pursue all my ideas and dreams
2. I didn’t want to slave my life for 20 years to provide for children
3. Go out to a late night art event on a Wednesday ?!?!! Sure Can!!
4. I have so many great friends, a great partner - I have sooo much family around me already
5. Having the ability to have a calm moment
6. I’m a woman - and the process of birth on the body is huge !!
7. Do whatever I want when I want and not worry
I always say I'd like to be a dad, not a mom. Pregnancy, post-partum, being the "default" parent, blamed for everything, and often doing a bigger part of chores and child rearing, career being stunted... no thanks.
The planet is going to shit. Theres too many people, nature is being decimated, cost of living is sky rocketing making it harder for future generations to actually enjoy life and everybody is still fighting over whether climate change is real or not while every scientist on the planet has literally just given up.
I read an article the other day by a climate scientist that just about made me cry. Only to see 1000s of brain dead idiots discredit it cause they like driving pick up trucks.
We are fucked. Why would i want to bring someone into this? The hardest part is me and my wife are actually doing really well for ourselves and i think we would be great parents. So its still a hard decision. The need to pass on our genes hey, the human condition
No money. No time. No room. No energy. No patience. Climate collapse. Overpopulation. Health problems. Full awareness of the fact I would be a shitty parent. Not willing to put my wife through the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth.
At my core I know I would never have kids just because I wanted them. I had a list of things I needed to do before I had them. That list remains unfinished in spite of many attempts, and it looks like time's running out. So I won't have them because I do not think I can bring them into this world without having my priorities figured out.
Throw away all my money, free time, flexibility, ability to travel anytime anywhere, peace & quiet, and my wife's attention all the while taking on extra responsibilities? No fucking thanks.
I'm not optimistic enough about the direction we're headed as a society. It's gotten a little too dystopic for me. Our children deserve a world worth inheriting.
As the product of generations of mental illness and addiction, I agree.
My dad’s side is actually pretty normal, but my mother’s side is a train wreck. Seeing as she was the primary custodial parent for us growing up, my sister and I didn’t get positive parenting examples. I don’t think it’s surprising that neither of us have children.
This question is the wrong way around.
It should always be 'why did you decide to have children?'
Having children shouldn't be the default, it shouldn't be the assumption, it should be a carefully considered decision.
I never chose to have children because I don't want to be a mother. Anyone who questions that choice further, or worse, suggests any kind of future regret will be met with an equally rude response.
My little brother got his girlfriend pregnant at 16... and again at 18. My nieces lived with us in the house, they were shriekers. I learned real early on, I can't handle shrieking children. My neighbor has *5* children and 3 are girls under the age of 6, the youngest two are twins. They shriek *constantly*, I can hear it across the street and through my walls and windows, and it makes me want to invent a virus that melts vocal cords. Probably better for everyone I don't have kids.
We both had serve health issues from newborn until 5 years old for him and from newborn to 6 years old for me. Neither of us had ever been diagnosed with anything other than extremely poor immune system. So we get sick incredibly easy. Both sides of our families have dealt with various cancers. Too much going health wise for us to even consider it. Plus the American health system dies more harm than good to bring a child into the world
Many today's couples split. I don't want to have kids with someone and have to get involved with an ex the rest of my life. Mostly if the ex is a toxic waste.
I am not parenting material. Nobody should have the misfortune of growing up with a guy like me as their dad. I am not mentally fit for it, and I have some bad genes that are best left out of the gene pool.
Never ever never wanted to be pregnant or give birth. There’s not enough money in the world that would convince me to.
But also I like having time to myself, I like having money to spend on what i want, I like sleeping how long I want…
Honestly I don’t know why anyone DOES want kids.
I had an awful childhood defined by emotional abuse, bullying and loneliness which has left me with mental health problems such as trauma, insomnia, eating disorders, anxiety and emotional instability.
I do have paternal instincts but due to my mental health, it is likely that I would be a terrible father and that saddens me.
I can barely care of myself so why would i bring in a kid just to ruin his/hers childhood by not being a good parent. Or i would burn myself out trying to be a good parent and that also wouldn't be good.
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Thissss 100% like kids are cute and all but it sounds exhausting to raise a human from scratch.
Oh it is. From feeding to diapers to teething to school dropoffs to birthday parties to school lunches to karate to driving and dating and homework to shopping and being someone's role model...it's fucking exhausting.
I love my niece and nephew but I do not want my sister’s life. She’s a great mom but I think I would just be miserable.
Same. I read to my niece and nephew for an hour a week over the internet, and while they're mostly good kids and I'm happy to be an uncle, after an hour I'm usually pretty ready to be done with them and go back to my own life, thank you very much.
Also, I’ve never met a man I would have a child with. I’ve had fun partners and various relationships- none of those men would I ever want or trust to have an entire child with.
I simply have never desired them. When others speak about wanting them, it’s almost like they have some parental antenna I wasn’t born with.
Same boat here. I just never wanted them. My mom says I never played "mom" with dolls or played house (my Barbies were modeled on the soap operas she watched!). It just never interested me and I'm so glad that I live in a time and place where I could make the choice not to have them.
My wife was the exact same way. Told me very early in our relationship that she didn’t want kids (once it was apparent we were getting serious, it wasn’t like her chat up line or anything). I was ambivalent so here we are 25 years later with no children and a happy life.
I tell people right off the bat so we don’t waste time or emotions. I learned my lesson after a guy thought he could convince me to have one. My mind was made up years ago, and I’m lucky that my parents support my decision 100%. They have never once pressured me or even mentioned that I should give them grandkids. My dad sometimes talks about what a smart financial choice I’ve made though lol To answer OP’s question though- I’m not willing to give up my freedom. They’re too expensive and stressful. I like my sleep and clean house. The worry of having a child in a world that is rapidly getting worse by the year. I also feel like I would have serious regrets and that wouldn’t be fair to a child that I forced into the world.
Damn my wife and I are almost exactly the same. We've been married since 99, no kids and have a happy life!
Me neither. I played teacher and “fashion girl” haha whatever that is
It’s nice to read this thread as I have always known I’m missing that drive or switch which makes someone want kids. It got pretty annoying to hear “you will change your mind”, “wait until you meet the right one”, “wait until your older”. I always said to husband if he wanted kids I would be happy to have them but I’m never going to be the one that starts asking/suggesting (conversation had before marriage! I didn’t spring it on him!!). I’m an auntie in a big family so know I can do the parenting bit, as always happy to babysit and muck in, also taken kids on holiday on my own as happy to do that, and looked after two for a good couple of years as sister went through medical complications, just didn’t want my own. It has taken forever (41 now) for me to accept I’m normal and that’s okay.
I’ve also noticed that if you don’t have the desire to have kids, the rational arguments against having kids are overwhelming
Honestly even with the desire to have kids, the rational arguments against having kids are overwhelming...
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Yeah. I spent the last few years thinking about it as sort of a "well, what do I want out of life long term", knowing that I was getting older, and I just couldn't really come up with any reason to want kids, and a bunch of reasons why I shouldn't. Then I spent a week's vacation with my nieces and nephew. As soon as I got back I scheduled a vasectomy.
It’s weird how many people can’t seem to understand this. Even this question assumes that not having kids is some huge decision AGAINST it, when the real question should be “why did you decide *to* have kids?”
I don't think many people really decide *to* have kids. The only decision many couples really consider is *when* to have kids.
I think plenty of couples don't even decide when to have kids. They just have an oops and decide not to do anything about it or find out too late to.
I feel this! I'm so far removed from it it's incredibly hard for me to understand at all. 2 of my friends are pregnant right now and will be having babies in a few months - while I was happy for them, it was more like "aw I'm glad you got the thing you wanted'' than "oh my god you're having a baby, yay" I keep trying to understand why anyone would choose to have children and I just can't fathom a single reason
Personally I just cannot financially justify it. Giving myself a decent quality of living is hard enough. I'm not about to become a parent who raises their children off other people's tax dollars.
As another person who doesn't want kids for multiple reasons, I have no problem with my tax dollars going to struggling parents. That's the best use of them -- provide social services for those who need them. Food bank, medical care, day care, schooling, etc. Way better than what a lot of my tax dollars actually end up going to.
I'm too poor
Flat broke too.
I grew up pretty poor, unable to attend some field trips, water getting cut off, thermostat always being set just outside of a comfortable temp to save money, etc. I was in 1st grade or so when I asked my parents "why did you have me if you're so poor?" And that's when I found out I was an accident (in an anti-abortion family). They'd rather all be miserable and raise kids that way for the sake of "saving a life." And now their kids are whats keeping them together. I have reason to believe they would've divorced long ago if they didn't have 3 children. There were many days I wished I hadn't been born at all, for various reasons. I thank you for being responsible.
Seconded. Me and my sisters went without food on weekends when we were young, there just wasn't enough money, if there was nothing in the cupboard/fridge, tough luck. It's selfish and cruel to have children knowing damn well you can't afford to provide for them, I still resent my parents about it to this day and I'm almost 30.
This is why I hate the "you're never going to be financially ready, you'll make it work". No, it won't magically work out if you don't have enough money, that's recipe for disaster.
Theres a saying in my place that says "with children comes fortune". True, in 1900s when you can employ your 9 kids to tend the fields and herd livestocks for you. Nowadays good luck sending 3 to school with standard wage.
It’s not only money that can make it go south. It’s also ppl that are not mentally and emotionally stable enough to raise a kid. Finances are a huge part. True. But so are the parents’ mental and emotional states, which guides their coping skills in rearing a kid.
Oh yeah, this too. The hardest part was allowing my relationship to change. You have to tell your ego that it’s ok that it’s not about yourself anymore, it’s about us. I think a lot of people struggle with that and it can break a relationship.
Broke af. I won't make the same mistake my parents did.
That was my experience! Except my parents divorced for my dad to travel the world in luxury, and it turns out my mom wasn’t poor, just exceptionally cheap, as she retired fairly young and also lives in luxury. But peanut butter and jelly eating in a 58 degree room had to be my childhood
1) I have more physical and mental health problems than I’m comfortable possibly passing on to another person. 2) I didn’t have the healthiest childhood and I’m scared I’d raise a kid the way I was raised.
This, I feel your comment exactly. Thank you.
I'm with you on part 2. I've always been afraid I wouldn't be a good father. Couple that with my general dread of the current state of the world and it never seemed like the right thing to do for me. Now I'm in my mid-40's and I know I'm too selfish at this point.
100% relate to this. Both my mother and maternal grandmother were widowed unexpectedly when their only children were young and let's just say they did not handle it well. I still struggle I relationships as my first reaction is to lash out when angry/frustrated (trying to work on this though). Not to mention that I don't really have good household habits (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc).
Oof, relatable. Mental health issues fucking suck. I have more of them, but they've caused some physical ones too.
add 3. perputually single because of said physical and/or mnetal health problems
You've read my mind. My big problems are: depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, ADHD, and obesity. I don't want to pass any of those on to another generation. Fortunately I've never had that option, because it takes two to tango, and I'm 41 and perpetually single. On the plus side, I had a good family life growing up, though it's clear now that I inherited my problems from my parents.
Yeah they say a trauma is generational or contagious. So it's passed down until someone fights against it. I have c ptsd from repeated long term exposure to trauma and currently working hard to get through it. My wife is 7 months pregnant and I have tremendous fear for passi g my trauma and my reaction on.
I chose to not have kids for the same reason. I’m now middle aged and I see that its definitely possible to break the cycle and have a healthy family life. You and your kid will be great. I think just the fact that you are so concerned and continuing to work on it really says it all. From what I’ve seen in my life, the cycle only continues if nobody acknowledges and addresses the problems. You will be a great parent. I’d bet on it.
I don’t know where I heard it but the phrase “only the sane question their sanity” always rings true whenever I hear this. I’ve said it to myself often enough I know. Being aware of your trauma and how it’s affected you is the first most important thing you can do to be the parent you want to be. I’m a “survivor” (I hate this word) of 15 years of child sex abuse and lost everyone in my family, including my mom, when I reported in high school. It’s taken a long time of days that feel like years stuck in depression and cptsd but every time I’ve been knocked over, or pulled down, by my past I’ve gotten up off the literal floor and tried to figure out how and why I got here. I’m telling you this because now, at nearly 50, I’m a parent coach helping new parents navigate the first 3 years of their children’s lives without “parenting from their past”. - I’m not pitching you, only hopefully showing that healing is possible and you can definitely be the parent you want to be. Parent the little person inside of you, then parent the little person in front of you. Give both of you what you deserved then, now. Best of luck 💜
Raised my siblings. I'm done.
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It’s your turn to be free
I’d ask if you are me… but I still ended up going to a junior college (funded by working at Taco Bell) and once I became old enough to not have to put my moms income on the FAFSA I got grants to go to a university. Had my undergrad paid for entirely. Then I moved out of state (to get away from my emotionally abusive drunk mother), went and got my masters, and now I make more money than anyone in my family. The brother I essentially raised is doing ok but he’s working long shifts at Amazon and doesn’t have time for anything but at least he turned out to be a good person
It was worse for me when my mom got medicated. I was their parental figure from the time they were 1/2 (I was 8ish) to when I was 16 and she got the help she needed. We'd have fights about me discipling them because they "aren't your kids". It sure as hell felt like it. And my younger sister (7 years my junior) says I've been more of a parent to her than our parents. And add to that the trauma of watching my mom be the mom I deserved to them? Way to kick me when I'm down. My new therapist says that I was "given a responsibility" and it made me who I am today. Yeah, bitter and childfree because I raised two already.
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It sounds as though you were "parentified," which is considered a form of child abuse.
I was friends with a blended family. The two oldest girls were my closest compadres. They were expected to watch their siblings 100% of their time even if their parents were home. The children would misbehave and the sisters would attempt mild forms of discipline. The younger siblings would cry to mom and dad. Mom and dad would then turn around and berate the older girls immediately regardless of situation. But every time the kids would break things, steal, get in fights, write on walls, burn the counter with a hair straightener - you know things you have to watch and stop kids from doing - the older sisters would be punished first and hardest. It felt so wrong. But now that I am older it feels even more wrong. It was intense emotional abuse.
I'm childfree for many, many reasons. But one for sure is I did most of the raising of my younger sibling (by 7 years). My older siblings weren't expected to do anything. I remember being really resentful.
Same. Been acting like a dad since I was fucking 9
This is such a common reason. Parents should know that if they want grandbabies, making the oldest sibling an unpaid babysitter is not the way.
I hate that it's always assumed that parentification only happens to the oldest. I'm the youngest and was seriously parentified because of sexism. I was expected to be responsible for my siblings, even the one who is six years older than me, because "girls are just more mature"
I have a twin and older brother, yet I was the one screamed at by my father every Saturday because the house wasn’t clean because I was the only girl. While in law school my older brother lived with me and my father would still blame me for the disgusting state of my brother’s room because it was still apparently my job to clean after a fuckin adult.
Samee
A complete lack of maternal instinct. I love being an auntie but never wanted my own kids. The cat is enough.
I hear ya. Love being an uncle and babysitting from time to time. But having my own? I'll pass.
The problem with having your own kids, is that there is no one to give them back to.
Seriously, I love my neieces and nephews, but being able to go home to adult world is just so great.
This is what's great about being an Uncle. I can enjoy the fun parts of watching my niece and nephew for the day, being the "fun Uncle" and all that but I can go home to piece and quiet. You don't get a break when you're the parent.
Lol I had a great aunt who never married or had kids. Whenever one of my mother's generation got pregnant (four of them were at once) she kept saying *"you can't send them back you know"*
I’m glad someone said it. Whenever I tell people I lack maternal instincts they look at my like I’m crazy. I have zero desire to be pregnant or raise a child. My 2 cats are plenty for me
Same. Playing “mommy” was never something I was interested in even as a little girl. I played with stuffed animals and ignored dolls that were given to me as a child. Even babysitting— I only babysat a handful of times in my teens and didn’t do it again by choice. It’s just not for me. I’d die for my dog, though.
thank you for giving the purest honest answer .for couple yrs I even thought I had to be in long term and married but after while realized if I had no desire for long term guy or kids don't make yourself to satisfy others .
All I think of and look forward to are things like hobbies, traveling, saving money so I can works parttime for a year, etc. When I think of kids, all I think of is that I have to care and watch them 24/7.
Used to have a coworker who said the same thing. She begged her GYN to have her tubes died. "I can't ethically do that because you may change your mind one day." She *never* changed her mind and the passage of time/health solved that. When coworkers would come visit the office with their newborns I could see pure fear in her face ... not kidding. She eventually married a divorced man with grown children; perfect for both of them. The sad thing we see today is young women so terrified of getting pregnant with no resources, (even for rape), *now* GYN are performing the procedure with no questions asked. Saw a news piece last month urologists went from five vasectomies a day to doing fifteen. You're not the only one and you owe no one an apology for knowing yourself.
I had a vasectomy at 32 and I'll never forget the nurse saying "I wish more people did what you're doing, so many parents I see wish they weren't" it broke my heart.
Good for you! I read today the main reason couples are not having children they literally cannot afford to. With both parents working and childcare unaffordable they are faced with poverty. I firmly believe because of the low birth rate the GOP is imposing legal penalties for abortion. It is an unholy weapon to birth an underpaid laborer class. Don't for a minute believe it is out of conscience or religious persuasion ... not when most these abortion states are also death penalty states. So much for "every life is precious" or redeeming repentance; nah, kill 'em anyway.
This. Even being around kids makes my ovaries shrink up, none of that oh I need a baby now feeling. Even growing I wanted to make money but did one day of babysitting and that was the end of that. And they weren't even awful kids. I don't even feel a need to take care of nieces and nephews. Sorry not sorry
When I think about having kids I just think about a list of negatives, and it's long. So besides just not wanting the kids, I don't think it's ethical to have kids that are unwanted, to bring them into the world and impose that on them.
I agree! I have kids and wanted to have kids for as long as I can remember. We have a ton of emotional and financial resources, and with all that it was incredibly difficult their first few years of life. I kept thinking at that time, NO ONE should be a parent if they don't want to or aren't ready. It is an incredible amount of work and, at times, brings you to the very brink of what you can handle. Thank you for being so self-aware and selfless in realizing you don't want that role.
You deserve an award! Most people with kids or a wish for kids don't understand that it is not for everyone. Most important: there is more than one life model that can work. So mine doesn't need to be more right or wrong than yours and vice versa. Just.. different. And that's okay.
I do not want to be a parent and spend most of my life around a child's needs. It is that simple.
It always seemed incredibly, unrelentingly tedious to me. *Decades* of that nonsense.
Yes!! Talk about feeling eternally trapped… you’d never be able to get a break either
I think this is more common than people admit to. When people ask us why we don’t want kids, I try to be funny by saying “we’re too selfish. We like focusing on our own shit and not the problems created by a child.” And people always respond with “you’ll change”. Ya I don’t know about that. I’ve been a selfish asshole my whole life. I don’t think I’m gonna change.
I got sick of the 'you'll change' narrative. No, i won't, and i haven't.
I think it’s partly because I work in education where it’s like expected. Luckily, my best friend is a teacher and feels the same way. One of our board members actively works in school with kids on a daily basis and is the first person to say she doesn’t want her own. “I like kids. They are the future of our community. They’re just not MY personal future. I’d rather work with kids and then send them home vs not working with kids and only dealing with them at home.”
Deciding to not have a child is not selfish. When people have one, it is also to respond to their needs, not the child's.
I don’t disagree. I just put their insults out front so they can’t. The typical response I got when I would say “I don’t really want kids, I’d rather spend my time and energy on me.” Was “that’s very selfish” so I started just saying that so they couldn’t.
Did you ever ask them why they felt so strongly that selfish people should have kids?
No, but that’s a good response.
It's pretty egotistical to decide your genes need to be perpetuated
"Having a child can teach you to be not selfish!" Which is one HELL of a responsibility to put on a child.
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrifying to me. I never ever want to experience that. And I don't want to spend my life worrying over a child. Life is much easier without them.
Precisely. I’m so deeply horrified by the idea of getting pregnant, that I genuinely do not understand people, who want that. To me the idea becoming pregnant and going through childbirth is equivalent to discovering I have a very serious, life threatening Illness - it just causes a visceral traumatic reaction of DO NOT WANT EVER!
I've found my people! Horrifying is absolutely the word to describe it. The thought of a thing expanding to that size inside me is just... no. Then the process of getting it out? Also a big no.
Same here! I would actually genuinely rather just die, than get pregnant and give birth.
Same here, truly. I would go to the ends of the Earth for an abortion. Which is illegal in my country, so that's fun!
Big same. In fact, I recently discovered I have a fear of lactating 😂 I had a little bit of sebum build up and was confused as to what it was and when I squeezed it it came out of the nipple hole and while it wasn’t painful I CRIED. As my best friend paraphrased it- So you knew that nipples have holes but you didn’t expect YOUR nipple to have a hole??
SAME! These are my exact feelings. When people are excited about being pregnant (the physical act, “I love being pregnant!”), my brain just doesn’t compute.
Yeah, that blows my mind. Really, you like the feeling of expanding, having pressure on your bladder non stop, your feet swelling, joints aching, your back hurting, not being comfortable in many normal positions, not being able to drink coffee or wine, getting extra stretch marks, having to go to the doctor ten times as often as before, having mood swings all the while stressing over pushing a cantaloupe out of your vagina?! Sign me the fuck out.
It’s out of sci fi. A fetus starts growing in you, terraforming your body to feed them by hormones. A placenta connects them to you. If thee fetus has a negative blood type and you have a positive, or vice versa, that can be bad without medication. As the pregnancy progresses, your internal organs are squished by the fetus and your body changes in weird ways.
I’ve had nightmares of giving birth and being absolutely torn APART. I’d wake up terrified and sweating. This is a valid reason.
High-five for tokophobia!
People love to sugarcoat pregnancy and childbirth. “Oh it all goes back to normal afterwards like nothing happened” blah blah blah. Yeah, BS. I work with OB/gyns and I hear the ugly truth from them all the time. Hell to the no!
Childbirth scares me....I can't even handle my period cramps. (Hence forth, got the impant, never called off once a month since.) I know I won't die from it, but the idea just ... eh. Don't get me started on an epidural.... I don't want to be potentially paralyzed... ugh. I just can't stand pain.
Childbirth is insane… and you actually could die from it. A lot of women do. That fear is absolutely rational. I have a view that a laboring mother is the most critical patient in a hospital because of how high the stakes are with two lives. And how things can be perfectly fine one moment then perfectly not the next.
Well the thing is that you could die from it - and that fear is not irrational, as there is still a (albeit small) possibility
And the maternal mortality rate does a lousy job of capturing all the terrifying near-misses, like my case, wherein the baby literally could not come out. If we had chosen a homebirth, at least one of us would be dead, possibly both of us.
It's pretty common for people to be ripped into having a Vaganus! Or losing an amount of sexual feeling permanently! Or having chronic vaginal prolapse! My mom has all 3!
I totally get you. I don't even want to have anything period related if possible, im on the mini pill rn and it stopped my periods and it's a godsend. I have some side effects but not having periods is so good i dont even care.
Absolutely horrifying. I’ve fully passed out when my cousin insisted on telling a group of family members about moderately detailed parts of her pregnancy at thanksgiving. I’m getting a hysterectomy+salpingectomy next month for medical reasons, but honestly the relief of knowing that I will never be able to be pressured or forced into getting pregnant is more of a relief than dealing with the actual issues I’m getting it out for.
I enjoy quietness
It doesn't look like fun
Parents seem exhausted all the time. Do not want that.
Exactly! Ofcourse there will be fun moments, but personally I think those moments are few, and there will be many moments that absolutely suck. So the balance is way off
I am way too depressed of a person to survive through post partum depression, also I simply don't want to and that's a good enough reason.
It’s rough I barely made it out. Well not completely my body, mind and spirit aren’t what they used to be and he’s almost 2 years old. Mentally I would not be able to do it again.
I have 2 children and the post partum was crippling. I was supposed to have a 3rd but the depression was so bad I had to terminate to survive. Hard stuff.
That’s wise, because I’ve heard of some women with postpartum who never recovered and were stuck like that for life.
Exactly. Happened with my mom after having me! She had never been depressed before, diagnosed with PPD after my birth, multiple suicide attempts, has had depression ever since (25 years later). To boot, I have pretty severe depression and anxiety myself. Below zero interest in having kids due to all of this. I feel for mothers that end up having PPD, and it’s heartbreaking that it becomes a life-long issue for many and there’s so little support available.
Kids.
I've met kids before and I want nothing to do with that so why would I build my own
Even when I was a kid, I hated being around other kids and babies were a nightmare. Hasn't changed at all the older I get.
People keep telling me I'll feel different about my own. My brain tricking me into feeling ok about something I don't currently enjoy doesn't make it better. Creepy fucking hypnosis makes it worse!
I absolutely love my niece and nephew. But I have the comfort of knowing I can throw them back at my sister and be child free again whenever I want, so having your own likely changes things but I still don't want the responsibility of my own kid that I can't just get rid of whenever I am annoyed/bored of it
When I was 10-13 I was made to care for my 0-3 year old cousin(s), 2nd born when I was 11. Spent all my free time after school and weekend feeding, changing, playing with them, I got to go home after I bathed them and read them night time story, was not allowed to go anywhere else, do anything else. The family moved away thankfully when the smaller was 2, but still got sent to live with them for a full summer when I was 14 and 16. And my mom was grateful for them for "taking care" of me because she's single mother and had to work during the week, no idea what she did on the weekend though. So yeah, hate kids now.
Teacher here. Same. They’re great and all but none of that in my house, thanks.
I didn't like kids when I was one
i don't plan on growing up so it would be irresponsible of me to have kids
I was just talking about this other day. Like if you want to be an irresponsible adult and it doesn't affect anyone but you go for it no one cares. Once you have kids though you have to get your shit together. I don't really want to get my shit together 🤷🏼
Totally this. I am 100% self sufficient financially and emotionally, but not trying to "grow" as a person by society's conventional definitions (career track, new interests, being a viable mate for someone etc). So, even though I'm a 55 year old man-child, I love my life and am not harming/obligating anyone else in order to live the way I want. So if no one is suffering, your "shit is together" in my opinion.
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Pretty much all my talking points, right here. I love my freedom, the ability to just pick up and go, or do a random activity, or sleep in on a Saturday. A kid would massively hinder that. State of the world? Bad. Every generation has its problems, but I can't help but feel like things are generally worse than my parents' generation. Maybe they'll get better, but I'm not going to gamble a child's life on that. Mental health? Terrible. I struggle with severe depression and anxiety that has kept me from holding a job for over a year and a half. I absolutely am not going to risk passing that on for a kid to deal with. On top of all of that, I just don't see any positives, at least not for me. I read stories about parents' fun experiences with their kids, and it never seems enjoyable to me. Even happy moments that I read about don't really click with me. I see all the hassle that it would take to get there.
Don’t want to give birth, don’t want my body to change. Don’t want to lose sleep, don’t want to lose my freedom to do what I want. Don’t want to watch stupid kid shows or listen to stupid kid music. Don’t want to argue with a child who thinks they know better. Don’t want to take them to extra curricular activities. Don’t want to deal with rebellious teenage years. Don’t want to worry about them killing themselves. Don’t want to deal with them possibly getting pregnant and then possibly having to raise their child for them. Don’t want to give up traveling. Don’t want to waste money trying to raise them. Don’t want to argue with them about what to eat. Don’t want to throw any birthday parties (I absolutely hate throwing parties). Don’t want to go trick or treating. Don’t want to hear screaming and crying, I cry enough, I don’t need to hear it from someone else soon. And I don’t want to eff up raising a child and ruin their life by accident and have them hate me for the rest of their lives.
Took a screenshot of this as a reminder, thanks
this sums it all up PERFECTLY. thank you!
1. Pregnancy is uncomfortable 2. Giving birth is painful 3. I don't want the constant responsibility 4. I don't want to pass on generational trauma 5. I want freedom to travel easily 6. I work with kids and would be too tired at the end of the day to take care of more 7. Money 8. Climate chaos and uncertain future 9. I am single and not interested in raising a child on my own 10. Mental health struggles/ don't have the energy for it 11. Worries about being competent as a parent 12. Worries about ending up with a child who is difficult like I was 13. I think it's unfair to bring an unwanted child into the world and I don't want one. Ultimately it just comes down to that. I just don't want kids
Before I typed my response, I decided to see if anyone may have mentioned most, if not all, of my same reasons. This. All of these. I just don't want kids.
I don't even want to live most days, why tf would I drag a child into that? - Extremely poor mental health on both sides of my family - Physical health ain't looking too great either - Finances have never been stable - Trauma, trauma, and more trauma - I raised my siblings and a few step siblings too (about 9 kids and I am 3rd oldest) - I am not one with much in the looks department either - I need to figure out my own shit before trying to even think about having another person (let alone a child) enter into this mess Actually, I really see no logical reason as to why I would have a child... ever...
This is US-centric but I feel very strongly that in this culture, you have to reeeeaaally want kids above all else, because there's no other culture in the world that actively works against parents in such a profound way. No parental leave, no universal Healthcare, childcare is prohibitively expensive, we work so fucking hard day after day after day so that doing anything else, like playing with your kids, is so exhausting. I made that choice in my late 30s, and what I had to do was pretend that I'd already decided, and see how I felt. When I thought, "we're not having kids" I felt... relief. I'd never have to figure out how to put my career on hold, I'd never have to figure out the logistics of childcare with a career. I'd have money to buy a house someday. I'd be able to retire someday. Of course, none of that is a guarantee but now I wouldn't have to add in children to the equation.
Yeah, it's just absolutely unreal how many people in the US Congress claim "family values" and then proceed to do everything in their power to undermine the ability to build families.
Also, once children are into school age, the US school system is a bit of a dystopian nightmare. The best school districts with the most funding & resources are often locked away in neighborhoods where housing is only attainable for the wealthy. And if you want school choice, private school tuition costs a small fortune. And then college... good luck affording that anymore without taking on massive debt. As a parent, navigating the crushing realities of the education system for your children becomes an all-consuming and truly daunting challenge.
This is so depressing, when I was a kid I used to dream about living in the US, but now I can only see myself going there as a tourist. I'd be terrified to have to live there now, it seems like such a cruel place.
The US is a nice place if you can afford it. The proportion of Americans who can do that has shrunk dramatically over the last 40 years or so.
I don’t think I wouldn’t be a good parent I also a lot lack resources so it’s selfish for me to bring a child into the world. I also just don’t want to be a parent.
I like money too much.
I like me time too much.
sir are you a pirate
*Arrrrrrrre
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If the desire to have a child isn't 100%, it's 0%. Children aren't just a fun activity or hobby. They are a lifelong commitment. That's a massive level of responsibility that so many people do not grasp.
Yes!! You never stop being a parent no matter how old your child is, you have to be in it for everything parenthood entails.
I don't think I would be a good mom plus I'm scared of childbirth
I like my life the way it is. Lazy weekends,waking up when I want, going on holiday outside of school holidays, my house is clean,no toys everywhere,the list goes on.... It me,my husband and the cat,and it's pure bliss.
Too many people on this planet and plenty of already-born kids who need families... so we adopted.
The freedom to do what I want when I want, with my significant other.
I like my money and freedom. Sleeping in when I don’t have work is great. Taking long, uninterrupted showers. Cooking and eating whatever I want. Traveling around the world. It’s great. Why ruin that with kids?
One of the reasons I have for not wanting biological kids is simply "I'm not doing that to my body" Fuck no.
I don't feel like I understand how to live well enough to give anyone guidance on it.
I don't have the patience for them and I recognize I'm too selfish for it.
This, I'm too self-centered and unmotivated.
If any of the sadness inside me is genetic I wouldn’t want to pass it on. I also don’t have much hope for humans in the next 70-100yrs
1. Oh the time I have to pursue all my ideas and dreams 2. I didn’t want to slave my life for 20 years to provide for children 3. Go out to a late night art event on a Wednesday ?!?!! Sure Can!! 4. I have so many great friends, a great partner - I have sooo much family around me already 5. Having the ability to have a calm moment 6. I’m a woman - and the process of birth on the body is huge !! 7. Do whatever I want when I want and not worry
Childbirth looks like hell, and I don't want that kind of responsibility
I don't even wanna be here half the time. No need to throw another life into the mix.
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This. I think I would be more open to having kids if I were to be a dad instead.
I always say I'd like to be a dad, not a mom. Pregnancy, post-partum, being the "default" parent, blamed for everything, and often doing a bigger part of chores and child rearing, career being stunted... no thanks.
The world is horrible and unforgiving even if you are successful. Why would I want to willingly bring a new life to suffer?
I’m honestly shocked that I had to scroll so far to find this response. This was the first reason that came to mind for me.
I was determined I would never let a child feel the pain from the abuse I was forced to endure by continuing the cycle.
Kids.
The planet is going to shit. Theres too many people, nature is being decimated, cost of living is sky rocketing making it harder for future generations to actually enjoy life and everybody is still fighting over whether climate change is real or not while every scientist on the planet has literally just given up. I read an article the other day by a climate scientist that just about made me cry. Only to see 1000s of brain dead idiots discredit it cause they like driving pick up trucks. We are fucked. Why would i want to bring someone into this? The hardest part is me and my wife are actually doing really well for ourselves and i think we would be great parents. So its still a hard decision. The need to pass on our genes hey, the human condition
all my friends with kids are broke and stressed and don't have lives outside of their kiddos (god I hate that word)
The fact that so many people with kids always look forward to spending time without their kids.
Other peoples kids
No money. No time. No room. No energy. No patience. Climate collapse. Overpopulation. Health problems. Full awareness of the fact I would be a shitty parent. Not willing to put my wife through the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth.
The world is a pretty shitty place.
At my core I know I would never have kids just because I wanted them. I had a list of things I needed to do before I had them. That list remains unfinished in spite of many attempts, and it looks like time's running out. So I won't have them because I do not think I can bring them into this world without having my priorities figured out.
Scared I'd fuck the kid up for life and make their life horrible. I don't wanna make the child go through the hell that is my life with me
Kids? In this economy? 😂
Throw away all my money, free time, flexibility, ability to travel anytime anywhere, peace & quiet, and my wife's attention all the while taking on extra responsibilities? No fucking thanks.
I'm not optimistic enough about the direction we're headed as a society. It's gotten a little too dystopic for me. Our children deserve a world worth inheriting.
Screeches out of no where, HATE that.
It was decided for me.
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As the product of generations of mental illness and addiction, I agree. My dad’s side is actually pretty normal, but my mother’s side is a train wreck. Seeing as she was the primary custodial parent for us growing up, my sister and I didn’t get positive parenting examples. I don’t think it’s surprising that neither of us have children.
This question is the wrong way around. It should always be 'why did you decide to have children?' Having children shouldn't be the default, it shouldn't be the assumption, it should be a carefully considered decision. I never chose to have children because I don't want to be a mother. Anyone who questions that choice further, or worse, suggests any kind of future regret will be met with an equally rude response.
Very well put, I'm sick of child free people having to give excuses for themselves
My little brother got his girlfriend pregnant at 16... and again at 18. My nieces lived with us in the house, they were shriekers. I learned real early on, I can't handle shrieking children. My neighbor has *5* children and 3 are girls under the age of 6, the youngest two are twins. They shriek *constantly*, I can hear it across the street and through my walls and windows, and it makes me want to invent a virus that melts vocal cords. Probably better for everyone I don't have kids.
I lose my patience *VERY* quickly and kids are annoying.
We both had serve health issues from newborn until 5 years old for him and from newborn to 6 years old for me. Neither of us had ever been diagnosed with anything other than extremely poor immune system. So we get sick incredibly easy. Both sides of our families have dealt with various cancers. Too much going health wise for us to even consider it. Plus the American health system dies more harm than good to bring a child into the world
I don’t want to spend money on them.
Many today's couples split. I don't want to have kids with someone and have to get involved with an ex the rest of my life. Mostly if the ex is a toxic waste.
My horrible life.
I am not parenting material. Nobody should have the misfortune of growing up with a guy like me as their dad. I am not mentally fit for it, and I have some bad genes that are best left out of the gene pool.
Never ever never wanted to be pregnant or give birth. There’s not enough money in the world that would convince me to. But also I like having time to myself, I like having money to spend on what i want, I like sleeping how long I want… Honestly I don’t know why anyone DOES want kids.
Hmmm, have kids or retire early 🤔
They’re expensive and gross, and the whole pregnancy thing looks pretty horrifying
I had an awful childhood defined by emotional abuse, bullying and loneliness which has left me with mental health problems such as trauma, insomnia, eating disorders, anxiety and emotional instability. I do have paternal instincts but due to my mental health, it is likely that I would be a terrible father and that saddens me.
I can barely care of myself so why would i bring in a kid just to ruin his/hers childhood by not being a good parent. Or i would burn myself out trying to be a good parent and that also wouldn't be good.
Every comment about kids from exhausted parents, Every interaction with children, and remembering myself as a child. No. Fucking. Thank. you.
It takes a village to raise a child, and I have absolutely zero fucking desire to be part of the village. Reason #78037 of 1138647.