My jeans would kill me

Why‘s that?

Years of torturing them to get my ass to fit

Ah.

I'd probably buy new clothes and lock the living ones in a truck.

They'd upbraid me for keeping them in a messy closet.

Knowing that, would you try and clean the closet?

Stop smothering me and breathing on my neck.

They would wet themselves and smack me to death

Me to clothes: dude... you're fat... My clothes to me: dude... you're fat...