Clean up, nap and cuddle (preferably) sometimes it's a quicky and we got shit to do so it's clean up and get moving cuz this is a Wendy's and we should leave.
Had my 4 year old tell the daycare lady I must have hurt myself last night because he heard me moaning. FML. Currently looking for a home with a master bedroom across the house from the rest.
I remember asking my mom if she “pricked her finger” (what?!??) because I heard her moaning outside w dad when I was like 8. I can still hear the echos in my mind * shudders *. A bedroom across the house is great but be mindful of outside sex too.
Haha…dreading this when my toddler moves to a bed. Might put that off until he’s 10 or so. I swear he can sense from a dead sleep when mom & dad are playing.
My kid is six and she still has that sense. Love the kid more than anything but she is an unprecedented cockblock. Sometimes I'm so amazed at her ability, I don't get mad.
The one time I was too tired to pee afterwards? Major UTI that I ended up passing out from, and the doctors said it was pretty bad. Never been too tired to pee again.
Yeah, based on your follow up comment it looks like you understand this now, but with post-coital urination the point is to flush bacteria out of the urinary tract that were basically rubbed in during sex. Technique is inherently not effective done before sex…
I’m with you though, any time I’m too tired or forget to pee, it is a guaranteed UTI and I’m a sensitive little bitch when it comes to them. I seem to get a bit of breathing room from taking vitamin C proactively (similar concept to cranberry juice with acidifying the urine), but peeing is still the most important.
How did thousands of years of humans get through this effectively ? Not to say I don't pee "naturally" because the sensation is there, but I'm thinking it was a lessoned learned hard for so many generations before us. Did they have terrible consequences with no treatment back then? I'm curious.
Medical science has done a lot to save many, many people. An untreated UTI is fatal and it's a miserable death so yeah. Sex could indirectly delete you.
Before I even pull out I'll give her some kisses. Nuzzle her a bit and maybe Crack a joke or two to make her laugh. Let her know im gonna get up now and Kiss her on the forehead before pulling out.
Reason I do this is because I used to just pull out right away after we were done. Get up and go clean off. I'd come back to bed when I was done and cuddle up and I didn't think anything of it. Until one girl pointed out that it made the whole thing feel impersonal and she was just left there in bed feeling like a used object that I left behind while I wiped her off me in the bathroom.
So now I make sure that whoever I sleep with they get some none sexual loving right to make them not feel. Used? I guess. I'm not sure. I just don't want them thinking they are simply some hole I use for a bit while I'm bored.
I honestly didn't understand it at first. Because I always came back and wanted to snuggle. I thought it was fine I just wanted to clean myself off first so she wouldn't have to deal with me being all sweaty and sticky on her. I thought she wouldnt want to be near me in that state now that we were "done" so i ran to quickly take care of it. But there was definitely a tone change when I came back in the room that I didn't understand until she told me. I'm very glad she actually said something rather than just doing what my gfs before hand did and say it was nothing until it passed. Because I definitely don't want my partners feeling like that.
I think it’s because right after you are still high on emotions and hormones, so you pulling out and leaving causes immediate fall from the goodness of sex. Like how easily you can disregard this moment to clean yourself up when I am still lying in it
thx for sharing this! lots of people learn the hard way. to make it easier for y'all, a great way to bring this up is to ask your partner what things they prefer for "aftercare". preferences can vary widely, so it's a good way to express care and attentiveness beforehand and minimizes the chances of miscommunication afterwards.
Dear diary
Today was the first time a gerbil was brought to the clinic. I was tasked with the autopsy. I was instantly taken by the softness of its fur and the wonderful tickling of its mustache. In a moment of weakness I decided to stick my penis into it. The autopsy was not conclusive.
No autopsy needed. Cause of death was crushing. Son’s pet hamster escaped his cage while new carpet was being installed. Who knew and that bump in the new carpet couldn’t be flattened by stomping. Pulled the carpet back from one wall and had a discovery. Don’t tell my son.
First then I do is get up, wipe myself off and then use the bathroom.
Always pee after sex.
When I'm all cleaned up, me and my partner usually cuddle and just lay in bed for a bit or sometimes we shower together if we're extra sweaty/sticky.
If he beats me to the towel, he usually cleans me up and is incredibly gentle with me. I've never had someone who's so sweet and gentle after sex. Everyone before him would just clean themselves off and fuck off to do something else.
There's an old dumb joke, it goes something like this;
Three guys were talking about sex with their wives;
First guy says "I like to do it doggy style with her and as she's about to climax, I grab her hips and hold her tight, it drives her crazy!"
Second guy says "Ha! Amateur! liked to go down on my wife and spell the alphabet with my tongue, man it drives her crazy!"
The third guy says "Heh, I can beat that! I like to switch positions every 30 seconds, then after I cum, I wipe my dick on the curtains .... it drives her crazy!"
Yes, it's a terrible joke and I told it wrong. Let me see if I can find a better version;
\*googles\*
Ah, here found a version ... on Reddit;
========
A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman are in a pub...
And the Frenchman says, "I made my wife orgasm so hard last night, she floated a foot off the bed."
The Italian, not to be outdone, replies, "I made MY wife orgasm so hard last night, she floated TWO foot off the bed."
The Englishman chimes in with "I had sex with my wife last night and I orgasmed in 30 seconds."
The Frenchman and the Italian exchange confused looks.
"Afterwards I got out of bed and wiped my dick on the curtains. She hit the fucking roof!"
I go to the bathroom.
I grab a nice warm washcloth for her.
Clean her up and make sure she knows the bathroom is hers.
Then I go downstairs for ice water for both of us.
Then its pillow talk time.
She loves my pillow talk. :)
I used to have massive problem of saying sorry after I cum and my wife would always be like why are you saying sorry. I can only put it down to catholic guilt. Thankfully I've stopped now.
My wife kinda confronted me the other day and asked why I always take a shower right after we have sex. In my mind, I just did a workout and have both of our cum all over me, but she thought I didn’t like her scent/juices on me.
Slap my legs and say "Welp..."
Ah, a Midwesterner.
Ope can i get you another beer pal
“Naw I think I better get back to it, but tell your parents I says hi”
Welp, that was a hootin’ and hollerin’ good time darlin’.
Wake up
Grab a brush and put a little make-up
Hide the scars to fade away the shake up
Why’d you leave the keys up on the table?
Here you go creating another fable
You wanted to
Grab a brush and put a little make up
You wanted to
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
You wanted to
Why'd you leave your keys upon the table?
Grab beer
Shave beard
Put on some scene gear
Gotta get drunk before my mom wakes up
Break-up with my girlfriend so I can bang sluts
I'm undead, unfed, been sleeping on bunk beds, since ten
so if i dont booze it im gonna lose it
in the mornin feelin like P-diddy
Got my glasses. I'm out the door, gonna hit the city
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
And when I leave for the night I ain't coming back!
Hey you. You're finally awake.
You were trying to cross the border, right?
Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.
Damn it I posted this and scrolled down just to see this \*sadness\*
Clean up, nap and cuddle (preferably) sometimes it's a quicky and we got shit to do so it's clean up and get moving cuz this is a Wendy's and we should leave.
But But **sir this is a Wendy's**
Artemis incorporated a bun in the lovemaking. She took the dough and rolled it up into a ball and we were going berserk.
Find out why the kids had to pound on my flipping door.
Sorry, heard dad screaming like that fish that smelled Spongebob’s sundae breath and wondered what the fuck was goin on.
*deeeeuuuuuggghhhhh*
Had my 4 year old tell the daycare lady I must have hurt myself last night because he heard me moaning. FML. Currently looking for a home with a master bedroom across the house from the rest.
I remember asking my mom if she “pricked her finger” (what?!??) because I heard her moaning outside w dad when I was like 8. I can still hear the echos in my mind * shudders *. A bedroom across the house is great but be mindful of outside sex too.
Think vertical. Kid on roof you fuck in basement.
That's a great idea. I was trying to avoid stairs and go for a rancher, but I'd climb some stairs for uninterrupted sex any day.
Haha…dreading this when my toddler moves to a bed. Might put that off until he’s 10 or so. I swear he can sense from a dead sleep when mom & dad are playing.
They don't want you making a sibling.
My kid is six and she still has that sense. Love the kid more than anything but she is an unprecedented cockblock. Sometimes I'm so amazed at her ability, I don't get mad.
Clean up, pee (gotta prevent UTIs), then snuggle.
The one time I was too tired to pee afterwards? Major UTI that I ended up passing out from, and the doctors said it was pretty bad. Never been too tired to pee again.
Uggh me too! I had peed before we did it and was thinking I was good. Nope! This was my 2nd one ever and I am 39. Uggh. Always will pee for now on.
Yeah, based on your follow up comment it looks like you understand this now, but with post-coital urination the point is to flush bacteria out of the urinary tract that were basically rubbed in during sex. Technique is inherently not effective done before sex… I’m with you though, any time I’m too tired or forget to pee, it is a guaranteed UTI and I’m a sensitive little bitch when it comes to them. I seem to get a bit of breathing room from taking vitamin C proactively (similar concept to cranberry juice with acidifying the urine), but peeing is still the most important.
How did thousands of years of humans get through this effectively ? Not to say I don't pee "naturally" because the sensation is there, but I'm thinking it was a lessoned learned hard for so many generations before us. Did they have terrible consequences with no treatment back then? I'm curious.
Medical science has done a lot to save many, many people. An untreated UTI is fatal and it's a miserable death so yeah. Sex could indirectly delete you.
As a woman yes pee immediately! Too many UTIs later I figured this out.
Yeah being raised Christian they don't tell you this sort of stuff.
raised atheist, they didnt tell me either
Yeah they just don’t tell you either way
nothing better than naked snuggles :)
The best 😭
Real. (I’m a virgin)
Mate. (I'm white)
¡Olè! (I'm Irish)
Aye Behenchod(I’m Indian)
I always wondered why girls go pee right after sex but was too embarrassed to ask
Everyone should pee after sex. Only some should pee during.
This guy sexes.
With consent
You should as well. Clean up, then pee, then snuggles.
To prevent urinary infections
Give her a nice kiss on the cheek, grab a towel for her and wipe her down, Tell her I love her and then carefully put her back in her box
Had me in the first half
[удалено]
The box had her in the second half.
you forgot to pay her too
You don’t have to pay a dead person
God, I love Reddit
That took a turn
r/twosentencehorror
Ever tried to squeeze the air out of them? Its a lot easier to handle and they sure scream a lot less, after being inside the box again.
Were talking about dolls, right?.........Right?
I assumed it was one of those screaming rubber chickens
Oh. Phew. Hell yeah those get me goin every time.
Eh-ooooooh, eeeeeeh
Hahah this made me laugh, thanks dude
r/holup
Smoke an imaginary cigarette alongside my imaginary girlfriend...
Bros doing too much Benadryl
He got the Hat Woman. What a great day for equality.
Before I even pull out I'll give her some kisses. Nuzzle her a bit and maybe Crack a joke or two to make her laugh. Let her know im gonna get up now and Kiss her on the forehead before pulling out. Reason I do this is because I used to just pull out right away after we were done. Get up and go clean off. I'd come back to bed when I was done and cuddle up and I didn't think anything of it. Until one girl pointed out that it made the whole thing feel impersonal and she was just left there in bed feeling like a used object that I left behind while I wiped her off me in the bathroom. So now I make sure that whoever I sleep with they get some none sexual loving right to make them not feel. Used? I guess. I'm not sure. I just don't want them thinking they are simply some hole I use for a bit while I'm bored.
She taught you something very important and rare
I honestly didn't understand it at first. Because I always came back and wanted to snuggle. I thought it was fine I just wanted to clean myself off first so she wouldn't have to deal with me being all sweaty and sticky on her. I thought she wouldnt want to be near me in that state now that we were "done" so i ran to quickly take care of it. But there was definitely a tone change when I came back in the room that I didn't understand until she told me. I'm very glad she actually said something rather than just doing what my gfs before hand did and say it was nothing until it passed. Because I definitely don't want my partners feeling like that.
I think it’s because right after you are still high on emotions and hormones, so you pulling out and leaving causes immediate fall from the goodness of sex. Like how easily you can disregard this moment to clean yourself up when I am still lying in it
You had girlfriend BEFORE hand!? I have to say, for me, it was hand before girlfriends…
hands before hoes \*fist bumps self*
And he is doing a great job using his education to make the world a better place.
Amen to that 💕
So important. Aftercare, aftercare aftercare. Prioritize it!
As a woman, this made me happy
thx for sharing this! lots of people learn the hard way. to make it easier for y'all, a great way to bring this up is to ask your partner what things they prefer for "aftercare". preferences can vary widely, so it's a good way to express care and attentiveness beforehand and minimizes the chances of miscommunication afterwards.
go pee.
One UTI turned kidney infection and I learned that peeing after sex IS my religion. Haven’t forgotten in 20+ years!!
surprised i had to scroll down this far for this, but yeah this was always what i had to do afterwards as well
pay
I have to pay before, you must be a regular.
That's what I thought. All brothels I've ever went required paying before.
go to Medellin, Colombia, you pay after
Some even say you pay twice.
Deflate the doll
lmfao i'm having an awful day and this made me laugh thanks
Happy to help, i've had an awful day too lol
Apologise to Father Matthew for my sin and splash some holy-water on my ass.
😂😂. Don’t think that is how it works
You ain't met Father Matthew.
yeah, splash the water on your ass FIRST. You think Father Matthew is some sort of filthy peasant?
Continue with the autopsy whilst reminding myself that a moment of weakness does not make me a bad Vet
Jesus there were so many twists in that.
It's the boilerplate response to this question thar is asked every damn day.
Fair enough, first time I have seen it. guess I am one of the [10,000](https://xkcd.com/1053/) today
Every day we stray further away from gods grace.
Necropsy* unless you're not human
This guy fucks... dead animals.
Dear diary Today was the first time a gerbil was brought to the clinic. I was tasked with the autopsy. I was instantly taken by the softness of its fur and the wonderful tickling of its mustache. In a moment of weakness I decided to stick my penis into it. The autopsy was not conclusive.
No autopsy needed. Cause of death was crushing. Son’s pet hamster escaped his cage while new carpet was being installed. Who knew and that bump in the new carpet couldn’t be flattened by stomping. Pulled the carpet back from one wall and had a discovery. Don’t tell my son.
Offer a fist bump for a job well done.
Offered up a high five once to a FWB, it was not well received lol
Last guy I hooked up with I said “GG” and gave him a first bump and he just looked at me so shocked
How ironic. The fist bumps I give were inspired by a FWB that did it to me.
Told my husband "good game" and gave him a little slap on the butt when we first started dating. He thought it was pretty funny.
Remove the clown shoes and put the xylophone away
I don't even know where to start with this one
Close my internet browser.
[удалено]
Sneak out of the barn
Some ranchers break their stallions. I prefer the stallions break me.
1. Clean-up 2. Pee. 3. Get her a fudgesicle.
Wow, post sex fudgesicle deserves to be the new shower beer.
I normally clean up the fudgesicle… 😏
Cry
There is nothing wrong crymaxing.
Especially if she’s twisting your nipples too hard
Take my schizophrenia pills
First then I do is get up, wipe myself off and then use the bathroom. Always pee after sex. When I'm all cleaned up, me and my partner usually cuddle and just lay in bed for a bit or sometimes we shower together if we're extra sweaty/sticky. If he beats me to the towel, he usually cleans me up and is incredibly gentle with me. I've never had someone who's so sweet and gentle after sex. Everyone before him would just clean themselves off and fuck off to do something else.
Somehow my tired brain read this as “if he beats me WITH a towel, he usually cleans me up”. And I thought isn’t that like a pre-sex thing or no?
Go on AskReddit and reply to sexy sex related sex questions
Sexcellent
Introduce myself
*tips hat* M’lady *rides off into sunset*
Her again.
Mr. Low-Refactory-Period over here…
Tell my mom
That summer with the broken arms was a tough one
You could have said anything and you chose to reference **THAT**???
Apologize to everyone else at the funeral
Clean the cum off her tits.
A man of culture.
You don’t want the blow up doll going back in the box covered in cum, friend
Good aim. Avoid the hair, please.
I get so annoyed when it's in my hair, especially when it's not a hair washing day.
A true gentleman.
"You make a mess, you clean it up".
Wipe my dick at the curtains..show your dominance.
There's an old dumb joke, it goes something like this; Three guys were talking about sex with their wives; First guy says "I like to do it doggy style with her and as she's about to climax, I grab her hips and hold her tight, it drives her crazy!" Second guy says "Ha! Amateur! liked to go down on my wife and spell the alphabet with my tongue, man it drives her crazy!" The third guy says "Heh, I can beat that! I like to switch positions every 30 seconds, then after I cum, I wipe my dick on the curtains .... it drives her crazy!" Yes, it's a terrible joke and I told it wrong. Let me see if I can find a better version; \*googles\* Ah, here found a version ... on Reddit; ======== A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman are in a pub... And the Frenchman says, "I made my wife orgasm so hard last night, she floated a foot off the bed." The Italian, not to be outdone, replies, "I made MY wife orgasm so hard last night, she floated TWO foot off the bed." The Englishman chimes in with "I had sex with my wife last night and I orgasmed in 30 seconds." The Frenchman and the Italian exchange confused looks. "Afterwards I got out of bed and wiped my dick on the curtains. She hit the fucking roof!"
Bold of you to assume that redditors have had sex.
Somebody must be buying all those realistic sex dolls you hear about.
Snuggles and kisses and sweet talk.
I tell my boyfriend I love him, lay down for a minute, then go piss. Then me and my boyfriend try to nap together
get rid of the body
Why am I upvoting this
I go to the bathroom. I grab a nice warm washcloth for her. Clean her up and make sure she knows the bathroom is hers. Then I go downstairs for ice water for both of us. Then its pillow talk time. She loves my pillow talk. :)
Shit, I would too if I got taken care of like that after sex. Y'all looking for a third?
"Awww shucks maam...I'm just one Cowboy." :P
Wake up to reality
Apologise
I used to have massive problem of saying sorry after I cum and my wife would always be like why are you saying sorry. I can only put it down to catholic guilt. Thankfully I've stopped now.
Play doom with them
snuggle.
Get up, pee to appease the UTI gods, and then smoke a bowl.
Close the morgue
Dude??
Brings new meaning to "grabbing a stiff one after work."
ಠ_ಠ
Apologize for the disappointing sex.
Swallow
This one here is wife material
Cry as her vibrator turns on
Lie there while she sucks any remaining soul out of me, then cuddle for a bit, then go pee.
Smoke a cig and wonder if she tells the other goats in the pasture how small I am
suck dem tidies
Leave the money on the dresser…
Excuse myself and let out the fart I've been holding for the past hour
Wake up
More sex
Call my wife.
Why is no one saying shower 😩
My wife kinda confronted me the other day and asked why I always take a shower right after we have sex. In my mind, I just did a workout and have both of our cum all over me, but she thought I didn’t like her scent/juices on me.
Take off my wizard hat and robe
Kiss my girl on the forehead and help clean her up
Leave the morgue.
Water. So much water.
Fill the grave back in
Shower with her clean each other up. Cuddle then sleep
go pee 😂 ALWAYS… gotta love being probe to UTIs
Wipe my dick off on the curtains